Where Useless Advice Breeds Counseling

Do you need advice? Advice that only a person pretending to be a celebrity
could answer for entertainment purposes only?
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Dear Grudgeline,
I've decided to devote my time to becoming a martial artist who can leap from mountain crag to mountain crag. However, before I really start practicing, I should probably find a mountain. Yet no mountains exist in my portion of Indiana. What on Earth am I going to do?
-Affy Person

Dear Affy,
Oh, my friend, I, too, am a hoosier. Mighty proud to say, mighty proud to say. Indiana has many fine qualities but mountains isn't one of them and that's your delay. But what Indiana has plenty of is room for trouble.
Oh, we've got trouble. Right here in Indiana. With a capital T which rhymes with C and that stands for crag.
See, my pal, what you've got to do is find some molehills. When you've got those molehills, build them up; then you've got mountains.
Does the U's basketball team have any weaknesses? Is Indianapolis just too darn big for its britches? Do the Colts have a defense? Is Chicago spilling over into your great state? Are there just too many Kentuckians for your taste lining the boarder in Louisville and you can't do anything about it because you can't pronounce Louisville to complain? Too many college kids running around? Is the landscape too flat?
Oh, my dear Affy, from my vantage point I see nothing BUT mountains!
Yes, we've got Mountains. Right here in Indiana.
-Professor Harold Hill

Dear Grudgeline,
You get the picure right?

Dear Bored,
It has been said I know better than most why
Yes, I know why the caged bird sings
Is it lack of knowledge or lack of imagination
That I don't understand a wild bird's mourn
What's worse, you see, is the free bird that hides
Hides in bushes, shrubs, or branches
It is obvious to all with sight even some with blind
You built your cage and built it tight
You enclosed yourself with your own boreds
But I have yet to hear your song

-Maya Angelou

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