Deep inside the halls of Grudge Match University (specially created for Joe, so that he won't have to get a real job and can stay in college forever), Co-Deans Brian and Steve sit down with a glass of Brandy to discuss the state of the college.
"Brian, we've been deans of this college for how long now?"
"Ever since Brendan had to 'teach' a certain responder a 'lesson'."
"Right... and in that time we have noticed that of the 137 fraternities on campus only two have continuously upheld the codes of honor that we at the Grudge Match have treasured since even before Celebrity Deathmatch(TM) ripped us off. Those being recklessness, complete disregard for anything remotely tasteful and wacky pranks, especially ones including animals or jock straps.
"Delta House, with leading members Otter, Bluto and Boone spend their days in a never ending alcohol-induced daze, partying constantly, taking road trips and nailing the other frat's cheerleader girlfriends. Also, I think Karen Allen is sleeping with Donald Sutherland, her English instructer, and Dr. Wentz, her Home Ec. professor.
"The Tri-Lambdas, leading members Louis, Booger and Gilbert, seem to be your everyday placid Nerds, but they have a mean streak longer than a reponse file from a Star Wars Match. The moment the Jocks began picking on them, they turned into sadistic maniacs. Also, they got pretty angry when John and HotBranch! superglued their calculators to their desks."
"This IS serious, Steve, we can't give both houses the award for Fraternity of the Year."
"Don't worry, Brian, I have a plan. There is a little known codicil in the GMU Constitution that states that for any reason we can have two school clubs go at it head-to-head in a battle royal and put the results of the fight up on the web as a Grudge Match (TM ... oh wait, we own that one)."
"No, but as we are the deans of this college, we can make up anything we want. We will put them on the double-secret honor roll and have them battle against each other. The goal will be to kick the other's Fraternity house off campus, either by cunning or physical violence. Any and all pranks, parties and panty raids are welcome. Dr. Golba has already agreed to help with the latter."
So, Jeff which Greek group will gain the grand prize by getting the other gang's guys to vacate Grudge Match U?
JEFF: Well, despite their dimunutive physical stature, I believe the Tri-Lams will come out on top here. This is the age of techlology, and the Tri-Lams have technology on their side. Which house is more likely to have acess to the internet? Which house is more likely to have archived the contents of alt.shennanigans? Which house is more likely to browse the www.makeyourownbomb.com websight? When the Deltas go to make their plans, the tri-lams will have it captured on video tape. When the Deltas hit on the cheerleaders, only then will they realize their water supply has been spiked with a dysfunction inducing medication. When the Delta's throw their toga party, only then will they realize their stereo can only play Spice Girls CDs. They are just totally outmatched intellectually here, and no amount of vomiting and horse killing is going to dig them out.
Of course, Erik Stratten seems somewhat intelligent -- at least smart enought to surf all of the internet porn sites. He is the only one that can call the Deltas to action, and I submit that he has two fatal (in this case, literally, fatal) flaws: 1) He has a habit of hitting on the Southern girls, and 2) He has a habit of hitting on the dean's wife. Well, Brian's wife is both a Southern girl, and the dean's wife. If I know Brian, and I think I do, before too long Mr. Stratten will find himself waking up in Tiujuana, covered in taco sauce, staring into the hungry eyes of 5000 Chihuahuas.
I think it was Sun Tzu who said in The Art of War, "Appear strong where you are weak, appear weak where you are strong, and never, ever, go to battle with an army of drunken toga-wearing slackers."
Joe: I'm going to have to disagree, Jeff. The Romans were a bunch of drunken toga-wearing slackers and their reign of terror lasted hundreds of years. Delta House is ready to carry on that tradition. Boone will recognize Otter's flaw of hitting on the dean's wife and make sure Eric is occupied by a constant stream of sorority girls. The guys the nerds really have to watch out for are Bluto and D-Day. They are sneaky and destructive. Remember the Tank they made out of Flounder's car to trash the parade? I can see the headlines now: "13 Dweebs die when Tri-Lamb House is Flattened by Monstrous Black Car with Turret. Authorities are Baffled." Lastly, Delta has a secret weapon: Kent Dorfman. This doesn't seem like a very powerful weapon, but consider the opponent. Kent is the perfect undercover agent. Imagine this scenario: "Hi, My name is Kent Dorfman and I wanna pledge tri-lamb." "Dorfman?! Your name is DORFMAN?! Well, come on in!" After that Delta House will know everything the pencil necked geeks do and be able to counter it beforehand.
I realize the Nerd Herd has Booger who is a party animal and would fit in nicely at Delta house, but as soon as he uses the word "nerd", which happens about 7000 times every movie (apparently its the tri-lamb version of "smurfy") he will be crammed into a shopping cart with Larry's passed out high school girlfriend and left in Steve's parking spot. It is doubtful the rest of the geeks will even attempt to battle against the Animal House, the internet has already taken over their existence. They might have alt.shennanigans archived but they will spend all their time in discussing the difference between Star Trek captains and wasting their life in alt.starwars.imaloserbecauseiknowthenameof. thepitBobaFettfellinto.andheclimbedoutinthebooksIswear.
I'm sorry, but downloading 3 Terabytes of .mp3's every night is not going to protect them against an onslaught of drunken frat boys throwing beer bottles at them while moaning incoherantly to the tune of "Louie Louie."
JEFF: Joe, did you even WATCH Animal House? There is no way that anyone in the Delta Tau Chi house is going to get any girls -- much less sorority girls -- to go out on a blind date. The only Delt that had any magnetism was Erik "I used to touch Fawn like this" Stratten himself, and we know where his eyes are going to wander. Sure, Blutowsky and company might try their luck at one of the more desperate sororities, but the Omega "Moo's" are most definitely on the Tri-Lams' side here. Oh, I am quite certain that very soon Erik will be deciding whether to try to defuse the Death Star chain reaction or to go mano-a-mano with John McClane for that last TIE fighter.
And the car? The car was scary looking, but it was basically only a Buick with a turret. I am sure with their video surveillance forewarning, the Tri-Lams' will be able to put up enough concrete barricades and steel posts and other passive restraints to keep the killer Skylark at bay. In the mean time, in a war of attrition, the Tri-lams can blast the Delta house with recordings of Booger's belches, with full reverb, set to the ghostly melody of an electric violin. And if they choose a more direct attack? Well, it's amazing what you can do with some stolen nitric acid and tolulene, powdered aluminum and rusty nails, and maybe a bottle of liquid oxygen.
As for the drunken horde theory: I did not see the Delts winning any fights in the movie. What I saw consisted of an awful lot of sneaking around looking for (or at) girls and, when confronted, a lot of running away -- running away from bars, running away from angry supermarket executives, and running away from gun-toting ROTC leaders. About the only thing the Delts are good at is drinking. Look, I will be the first to admit, a pack of incoherent, howling and drunken frat boys can be a fearsome sight; but with a little planning, some fireworks, and posters of Pamela Anderson Lee and Spuds Macenzy in appropriate locations, the frat horde, much like a herd of cattle, can be easily stampeded off of a cliff or into the local Army recruiting station. I am sure they can sing "Louie-Louie" just as incoherantly in Vietnamese.
Joe: Can't get any girls? Now who's not watching the movie, Jeff? You don't even have to watch ALL of it. Just the first five minutes, there are girls everywhere at the party in the OPENING of the movie. And how about the toga party, there was enough girls there for some loser fruitcake with a guitar who can't sing as well as my pig (Morty) to be surrounded by three beautiful young women. As for the Nerds, the Omega "Moo's" will be on the Tri-Lambs side for about 5 minutes until Eric Stratton steps into the room, at which point they will all be taken out of the equation.
You are darn right the car is scary looking. I know a lot of nerds, most of whom can't sleep without a nite-lite, the mere sight of the Deathmobile(tm) will cause the Tri-Lambs to piss their pants. The car put the fear of God into an entire town, a few nerds won't be able to withstand its powers. Booger's belches wont have any effect on the members of Delta Tau Chi, either. Their diet consists entirely of beer, Bluto downed a whole bottle of whiskey in one gulp and remember the cafeteria scene? They have got to be used to horrendous smelling burps.
There is no way the Nerds can defend against the offensive power of Animal House. Concrete barricades? Steel posts? Yeah right. The entire Tri-lamb house couldn't life a bag of concrete together much less mix it and build a barricade. If that wasn't enough, Animal House was the first appearance of Kevin Bacon. Via "Six degrees to Kevin Bacon" - the Deltas have the ability to call on ANYONE for help, Luke Skywalker included. (Mark Hamill - Harrison Ford - Karen Allen - Kevin Bacon).
Animal House (675 - 55.9%)
Revenge of the Nerds (532 - 44.1%)
The Nerds prove little resistance for Bluto and his "Double Secret Townsend Shiver"
Truly we have a challenging match here. In one corner, a house of genius-like nerds, and in the other a house of double y-chromosome drunkards. As a fraternity guy myself, I have to think about this one in a druken stupor. Let me get some bourbon....
Now that I'm back and lubricated, I will attempt to analyze our combatants.
Pictures: The Nerds are all posing in sweaters, and look like the fraternity house of the 50's (with the exception of a black brother). Animal House brothers look as though they just took their house from the Germans in a titanic battle. Delta Delta Delta 1, Tri-Lamb 0.
Dirty Tricks: The nerds are masters of electronics, demolitions, and surveillance. Against any normal fraternal foe, these would be unstoppable advantages. The Delts, though, destroyed a fraternity administration, leveled a home-coming parade, and generally sowed a path of destruction second only to the Mongol Hordes. Delta House 2, Tri-Lamb 0.
Women: The Nerds got the Tri-Moos. The animal house guys played the age range from statutory to the dean's wife. Delta Hous 3, Tri-Lamb 0.
Housing: Looking at the Nerd's house, it looks like the Golden Girls live there. Look at the Delta House: A wasteland of garbage and decay. The perfect breeding ground for the viscious frat-guy. Delta House 4, Nerds 0.
Agression: One of my house's Alumni wrote Animal House, and based it on our Dartmouth Chapter. As a current brother, I will attest that my brothers randomly destory furniture, curse passerbys, start fights at parties, crash other house's parties, direct out-of-town visitors to the local gay bar, drink malt liquor on the porch, and set the mud on fire (last weekend, don't ask). When it comes to destruction, the nerds don't have a chance. Delta House 5, Nerds 0.
Alcohol: Ever see those Guiness For Strength Ads? All frat guys drink before engaging in combat, and it will be the same in this battle. The only difference is that the Nerds will be drinking wine coolers and the Delta House will drink fifths of Jack Daniels. Delta house gets a point for being more liquored up, and being able to handle it. Delta House 6, Nerds 0.
Here's how I see the fight progressing: Everyone get's drunk. The nerds plant surveillance systems around the Delta House, and pull dirty electronic pranks on them. The Delts will be demoralized at first, as the administration will clearly side with the Nerds. Then, Bluto will get up and remind them to fight on, "was it over when the German's bombed Pearl Harbor?" Realizing that being true frat guys means mindless destruction heedless of consequences, the delts will gather up a supply of bricks, boards, 2X4s, and a converted deathmobile(TM), and proceed to open up a tub-o-whoop-ass on the nerds. Victory will easily go to Animal House, as they will excel in this kind of fight, vs. the prank war that the Nerds love to fight.
- Fat Drunk and Stupid is no way to go through life, but a great way to go through college.
Wow! This matchup has all the potential thrills of college itself! After running the scenario through, and generating a myriad of possible outcomes via the Grudgeinator-5613(tm), the ensuing battle was found to be 96.424% identical to college itself...craptacular(tm).
Since the Grudgeinator-5613(tm) has been (dare I say) *perfect* up to now (ok ok ok...this is it's first attempt), I will simply relate the results prognosticated.
After bailing Otter, Bluto and Boone out of jail, Delta house drunkenly surmizes that the Tri-Lambdas are responsible for their arrest(note: it really isn't important that urinating on fire hydrants while playing "dog" landed them in jail..).
In a DRUNKEN-RAGE(tm) Delta surrounds the Tri-Lambda house in a scene that is vaguely frankensteinesque. Five minutes later the house is engulfed in flames....Only then does Delta house realize they are burning the wrong house. This scene then repeats itself 3 times until the right house is finally ablaze (along with 1/3rd of the greek village).
The next day leads to the arrests of Delta house. Since they were so stinking drunk they cannot remember anything, they pass the lie detector tests and all returns to it's semi-charred existance. about the same time, the tri-lambs are lured into industry by various dot com companies. Delta house is the victor.
The Grudgeinator-5613(tm) also included details about plaid elephants, cross country chess and silly putty...but I edited that part out.
PLAGIARISTS!!! Despite the pending lawsuit (I don't care what those lawyers say, if you get academic credit it's not a sweatshop) Grudge Match U. enjoys a sterling reputation, and here you are about to sully it! Consider: At it's core, this match is...
Oversexed, dope smoking, draft dodging, law breaking, hedonistic baby
boomers who use armored vehicles to "solve" their problems
This match was featured in my local newspaper recently, only they called it "The Clinton Administration vs. Microsoft." Of course, if I were head football coach, I'd be much too busy going on recruiting trips to Conzumel and Jamaica to tell anyone about this...
- Coach (ahem) Silverback- Suit up Devin and Vlad, the GMU Fighting Hooligans are going to the Rose Bowl.
I'm not impressed with the DeathMobile. The Nerds have an armored personnel carrier!
- Steve (a different Steve)
Animal House gets girls, and has comedy of the level of the three stooges. Nerds comedy is something like sniffing airplane glue in that overexposure will certainly affect you (I'm pretty sure there's nothing that can kill the mood with a woman like suggesting watching any of the Nerds movies, much less admitting that you've seen one. Even better, do their laugh. That'll get the women running for you). Now, not only is Animal House still cool, but look at PCU and Dead Man On Campus! Both are takes on the college life that Animal House portrayed. Noone pays homage to the Nerds. Also, lets look at the futures of all of these men. All the guys in AH had cool futures, whereas the Nerds probably all end up being programming bitches for Bill Gates, locked in a room where their laughter can't harm anyone else.
I am voting for Animal House for a few reasons 1)Belushi 2) The Beer Immunity theory where 6 cans of Milwaukee's Beast (yes Beast not best) will make a man invulnerable to any hits 3)That beautiful Corvette.
Now hopefully my vote will cancel out at least one of those dorks that voted for Maul last week and will vote for their brothers in tri lamb. Damn geeks.
- Matthew a disgruntled Scotsman at Cornell
The Nerds will beat the heck out of the guys in Animal House. Two points can be used to lead to this point.
1. If you've seen the Revenge of the Nerds films, you realize that no matter what the jocks do the nerds,the Tri-Lams will always get the last laugh at the end. Once they realized that they can't stop the nerds, they eventually join the crew as well. Just look at Ogre (in Nerds in Paradise) and the head jock (in Nerds III) for an example.
2. The only person IMO for the nerds to worry about when it comes to the Animal House crew is Bluto, and sadly, he is up there with other SNL greats like Phil Hartman and Chris Farley in that great comedy hall in the sky.
- Joe Klemm
You gotta be kiddin' me.
You seriously believe that any nerd can stand up to the power of Delta?
I believe that Delta will win, and I wish that Bluto Blutarsky was a U.S. senator, as depicted in the end scene of Animal House (Vote Bluto! A drunken, sexist slob in the Senate we can be proud of!). Once D-Day rides through the Tri-Lambda house on his chopper, the nerds will run to their mommies, who still do their laundry for them.
For further discussion, I place to the floor the pictures presented for this match. I ask the public - who would you rather be seen with? I thought so.
Now excuse me while I smash a guitar to the tune of "Shout"
- Tracer "I used to touch Fawn like this" Malone
Much like M*A*S*H, the Delta's have this one in the bag due to a decidedly odd time loop.
As any REAL National Lampoon fan knows, Animal House is, in fact, a sequel of sorts to Doug Kenney & PJ O'Rourke's 1964 High School Yearbook Parody, chronicling Larry Kreuger's (And Fridge Pepperidge's) years at C. Estes Kefauver Memorial High School. Animal House was made in 1974. That's ten years between high scool and college, but they don't seem to have aged accordingly. Obviously, the Deltas have mastered time travel, and can therefore keep going back collecting more of themselves. Can you imagine an army of Blutos? Neither can the nerds, and that will be their downfallk.
- Vermin Boy
It's very simple. John Belushi is the second coming of Jesus wrapped up in a beer gut and a smattering of voyeurism. You want to talk about learning other people's plans? A little ladder never hurt anyone! With a couple'a dozen young men so smashed out of their puny noggins that they could walk through fire without feeling the slightest bit of heat, the poor nerds would be fleeing in terror from the smell of stale beer and goat feces. You really can't beat the sheer stylieness of a fishtank fashioned out of a mermaids breasts can you?
I gave Animal House a consolation vote, since they're eventually gonna end up working for the nerds.
"Ever since Brendan had to 'teach' a certain responder a 'lesson'."
Finally! A showdown between Brendan and The-Mental-Hospital-Escapee- Whose-Name-We-All-Know.
When is this fight going to be broadcasted? Will it be violent? More importantly, besides me does anyone care? Find out next weel on Ripley's believe it or not!
And as for this match, to quote Metallica, "Kill 'em all".
- Boba Foot
Er... I think the Deltas already have done. That symbol in the Tri Labda sign is not a lambda, but a capital delta. Hence the Deltas must ahve already won. Cuh, that is what happens when Americans try to use classical languages.
- Seb Rabit
This takes place at Grudge Match University: GMU
This is but a single pen-stroke short of GNU's Not Unix: GNU
GNU is an undeniably nerdy organization, so "Revenge of the Nerds" wins by home field advantage.
- ((GNU's Not Unix)'s Not Unix)'s Not Unix ==> Error: too much recursion
Everything is fine and well, until David Spade and the rest of the Order of the Ball and Shaft from Port Chester University show up. Faced with something both sides can agree to hate, in this case overblown khaki-wearing conservatives, both sides unite to kick that four foot midget's behind. That'll teach him for making Just Shoot Me.
I originally wanted to side with the nerds in the idea that brains over beerbelly's win every time. But, I didn't take into account until just now that, quite frankly, the Delta's are too stupid to quit. Sure, they can pull it together at the last minute, and they fight dirty, but all those slight advantages are nothing to the BIG one. They're just TOO fuckin' stupid to give up. The nerds will eventually give up and just not care. But the Delta's will live on.
- Loco Poco
(Sung to the tune of "Hail Hail Hail to Old Notre Dame")
Hail, hail, hail to old Grudge Match U
We never falter, we never fail
Hail, hail, hail to old Delta House
GMU taught us lessons today:
- Charge Man, Grudgology 101
All right, class, sit down, we shall now discuss the fate of the Deltas and the Tri-Lambdas.
*Devin notices Paul G. attempting to sneak out of class and promptly zaps him with a taser.*
You kids just REFUSE to listen, eh? Well, Deans Steve and Brian have left me in charge of the Psychology Dept., so PHNAW!
Anyways, back to the lesson, RIGHT MR. WENTZ?!?!
*Mark wakes up from his afternoon nap.*
Much better. Now, where was I? Ah yes, Nerds vs. A Real Fraternity.
Now on the one hand, we have a group of men with IQs higher than the population of Albequerque fighting...drunken men wearing bedsheets.
Logic shows us that the TriLambdas got an easy win.
Logic is our enemy, class. Remember that.
See, even though these "Nerds," as crude men put it, may be able to set up surveilance and make jockstraps feel like burning hot coals, they're fighting men NO ONE wants to see naked. Honestly, none of that crew could. Well, maybe one fellow, but his vote's overruled.
Moving on, they, as of yet, have no reason to fight. Thus, they will try to settle things peaceably with our Delta friends.
They'll meet John Belushi in the Bluesmobile, now with a turret. Come on, Jake Blues in a frat house? HOW can they lose? How?
In conclusion, I cast my vote for a certain House Of Animals. I suggest you do the same.
Your assignment is a 3-page paper on how to eliminate Brendan W. Guy. The best entry will be put to use.
You are dismissed.
- Prof. Devin, a Mental Hospital Escapee
The difficulty with nerds is this: plans. I am a member of a drunkeness fraternity, and I know one thing from that experience. A drunk and belligerent fraternity lad is a force to be reckoned with because hee will always act in an entirely irrational manner. Who was it who said "to best surprise your enemy, act irrationally; or better still, act self destructively?" Whoever said it, he knew what he was talking about. Nerds will never see it coming.
Plus, animal house will create an alligance with the guys from pcu, who aren't so dumb. When the nerds are vanquished, animals will get the PCUs drunk, put them in the back of a "borrowed" school bus, drive them to mexico, remove the transmission and leve them there. Bwa-ha-ha!
At first glance, the two fraternities seem equally matched. However, there are some factors which give Delta House the edge.
It was brought up that the Nerds have a superiority in terms of their computer and Internet skills. However, this advantage is easy for the Deltas to counter - simply visit the Nerds frat house late at night and cut their phone and cable lines. Their computer advantages will evaporate, again proving Scotty's maxim about the ease of stopping up complicated plumbing. On the other hand, the tactics of the Deltas rely less on easily disrupted technology, so the Nerds would have a harder time to sabotaging their rivals.
The movie "Animal House" offers an important clue as to the real reason why the Deltas would win. In the film, they build a tank out of a car and use it (as well as other common everyday items) to wreak havoc on their enemies. Where else have we seen this tactic? On just about every episode of the "A-Team". And who did most of the tank-making and weapon-making on the "A-Team"? None other than B.A. Barracus, played by Grudge Match Mascot and hero Mr. T. Despite having the "A-Team"'s Face's skill at getting lovely girls, the Nerds show little if any of Mr. T's abilities to work with common items. The closest thing they did in that regard was in "Nerds in Paradise" when they restored that old Army amphibious vehicle to get off that island. Which is a more impressive display of Mr. T-type skill, fixing an old Army vehicle to escape an island or turning a car into a tank and using it to totally trash your enemy's parade? The Deltas are more in the spirit of Mr. T and therefore will win any Grudge Match against the Nerds. I pity those fool Nerds!
- The Demented Astronomer
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm guessing the top demographic for the Grudge Match is comprised of male college students with a lot of internet access. In fact, at what point in Steve's and Brian's lives was the site started? And weren't they *engineering* students?
Methinks this match might be hitting a little too close to home...
That being said, my vote goes to a third alternative. An alternative that combines the party-animalness (TM) of Tau Delta Chi, and the brainpower of the Tri-Lambs. Of course, I refer to those rowdy members of Chugalug House. Fresh off their exploits in "School of Hard Knockers", Chugalug House will be unbeatable. The new U.S. Secretary of partying-down, Corey Masterson, undoubtedly has the firepower to get rid of the the Nerds and Animal House. And with Nerdlinger (AKA Mark Wentz, see Van-Damme vs. Seagal) in tow, surely Brian "Dean Bitterman" Wright will be pushed off the window-ledge of sanity as well.
- 1/2 Nelson
If a person who kills his/her spouse and gets off because it was due to multiple personalities possessing the killer, then I should be allowed to vote several times, because I have billions of voices inside of my head, and they all say that The Nerds will get their asses handed to them no matter whom they are faced off against.(I've never even seen Animal House, and I'm still voting for them.)
- "Blackhole" Flagg
Dean Wormer said "Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son."
That's strange... Seems to be working for me.
Besides, Anthony Edwards was one of the nerds. The same Anthony Edwards who is on ER, a previous WWWF loser.
We're forgetting about the most fearsome and most richest person in the world. BILL GATES! He was a nerd and will probably spend a few 50 million (Which to him is about 10 bucks) for a strong military force. As te Animal House guys line up a nice little infantry force pulls up...............
Well, folks, to determine this match, all one has to do is look back into the depths of History. (tm)
French army vs. English Soccer Hooligans.
One side has technical superiority, but they're a bunch of wusses. The others are royally shitfaced, and pissed off.
Don't get me Wrong, revenge of the Nerds is one of my all time favorite movies but...
I Say Animal House all the way. Sure the Nerds have brains enough to handle jocks, but jocks are predictable, and stupid. When it comes to Animal house, or ANYTHING to do with National Lampoons, you have just stepped in a hot steaming pile of Insanity. Then Nerds dont stand a chance.
Doesn't Dean Wermer play the voice of Crimeboss Rupert Thorne on the animated Batman series? I'm thinking when Batgirl shows up, they all be moving to Gotham City.
Easy victory for the Tri-Lambs. Why?
As one might recall from Animal House, Delta House was not the most integrated of fraternities. Of course, that's like saying 'not the most integrated of World Church of the Creator serices', given the traditional honky level of your usual frat.
And yet, this is Delta House's undoing- the 'Brotha Factor'(tm). As shown in their complete ineptitude in the black bar, the Delta House members are unable to deal with African-Americans standing against them. They run from the black bar higgledy-piggledy, not even willing to fight for the most important thing in a fraternity member's universe - GETTING LAID.
The Tri-Lambdas have a Brotha Factor superior to Delta Tau Chi, beginnign with Lamar. Sure, the chapter's only black member may be a bit of a poof- especially given his Prince moves on stage in the infamous 'rap' scene. But to borrow a quote from some forgettable ABC sitcom: "Yes, I am a gay man. But I'm also a black man, so I will kick your behind." Lamar will start off hypnotizing the Delts by breakdancing, and then begin the smackdown.
What's more, the Delta Tau Chis have no known other chapters to back them up- while the Tri-Lambs have a nationwide network of chapters, who show up as convenient Deus Ex Machina, right on time, every time. A nationwide network of a Traditionally Black Fraternity. If the Deltas ran yelling from only four black men in a bar, how do you think they'll do against the impeccable Cool(tm) of a dozen shades-wearing Black-leather-jacket-clad Tri-Lambdas from nearby Grudgment State?
This match will be done with ina matter of minutes, after which, the Tri-Lambdas white and black will steal George Clinton from _PCU_ for the victory party. As proper nerds, they'll all make those MP3 bootlegs Joe was talking about, and swap them for 'Louie Louie' on Napster. Flawless Victory, Lambda Lambda Lambda!!
- The Mystic Mongoose, aka Robert W. Armstrong
There are many, many reasons to support either side. So many, indeed, that I'm not even going to bother with them, which may be the first time ever. For there is one obvious, overriding factor, that everyone acknowledges:
The T Factor.
Everyone knows that, when your Band of Nameless Thugs, who for the last several years of off-screen time have been hassling the local citizens of the American Heartland, are suddenly beaten up by a crack commando unit who escaped from a maximum security military prison after being sentenced for a crime they did not commit, it is a dumb idea to take your Whole Gang and hope to scare them off. Your only hope is to sell off all your vehicles and inflammable materials, and turn yourself over to The Police Cars Which Appear In The Final Action Scene.
Any crowd who, when defeated, go and buid a tank out of an old vehicle, must be friends with Mr. T. No way could Bluto have got into any college, even Faber, without the help of a Youth Centre and some Milk. Who are the Nerds going to call on? Tom Cruise, aka Tom "Far and Away" Cruise?
And death to whoever votes against John Belushi, so recently after the twentieth anniversary of his all-too-early demise.
- "Howling Mad" beats "Top Gun" any time...
Frankly, and personally, both groups scare me.
- Megan L.
Neither will win the fight, as the local bar next to both dorms starts a sale that gives away free beer to any gay couple that has a jock/nerd combination. The two groups will unite, and drink themselves to death, which is what going to college is all about(excluding sex and drugs, because they both give you AIDS). Sheesh! If any of you actually attended college, you would know that.
- Beech Fuhkr
OK folks, it's time to look at the facts:
Nerds had sequals. Granted, some people may argue this is a point in their favor, but I see them as a weakness. I mean, why can't they get their point across the First Time (tm)?
Animal House showed they could handle their liquer (tm). Nerds had to rely on non-existant chemical aids (tm). Weed, by the way, can be handled by anyone. If you don't belive me, visit WSU.
Animal house also picked up women without major facial deformaties or oders of unknown origins. Nuff said (tm).
- Patty the Grate
This match was intresting. But, since I didn't see any of the movies I just randomly voted then went to bed.
- Futile "resistance is and always will be a Thong Song"
Animal House has a secret weapon in the form of Flounder, more recently known as Vir Cotto, assistant to Babylon 5's Ambassador Londo Mollari and now emperor of Centauri Prime. While when we originally saw Flounder he was a mere novice at the art of boozing, partying, and babe-chasing, several years spent under the influence of Londo, AKA Mr. "Party Till Your Hair Stands Straight Up", must have vastly increased his skills in these areas, as well as lessons in covering them up from the authorities given he was probably the guy required to make sure Londo came out with his ambassadorial dignity intact after his latest bash. Given at the end of the series we see him gleefully cavorting with multiple women simultaneously and capable of drinking like a fish, he obviously learned his lessons well. And as for skills in being cunning and using physical violence - whoa boy! After Londo, he's probably forgotten more about sneaky ways to crush your foes than the Nerds could learn in a thousand years of searching the Internet for anarchist sites. And as emperor of Centauri Prime he's quite capable of having his plans carried out; I'd love to see the Nerds stand up to having their computer keyboards laced with 50 million contact poisons by hired assassins or Centauri battlecruisers commencing mass driver bombardment of the Tri-Lamb's house. Needless to say, the Nerd's heads will undoutedly wind up stuck on pikes as a warning to the next ten generations that messing with Delta Tau Chi comes at too high a price. Unless of course the Nerd's knowledge of sci-fi warns them in time to think twice about messing with the Hair-Boy...
- "Mad Dog" Mike
The nerds take it. I don't understand how you could even consider it a contest. How can you compare a bunch of stupid slobs to a bunch of before-their-time genuises. That's not even counting the Ted McGinley factor. They defeated Al Bundy's next door neighbor, Jefferson D'Arcy. Anyone who can one up the man who lived with Marcy D'Arcy and next to the Bundys have gotta be considered lethal.
- The Rock
The Nerds must win, primarily because I am a nerd. I could tell you the names and purposes of the 46 human chromosomes, the proper word for 'belch'(it's eruct if you're wondering), the meaning of time, the universe, life, and a few darker more sinister things.
Nerds, it is a proven fact, have entered into an alliance with Satan. Our ungodly intelligence is a product of Beelzebub's power. During several top secret meetings of the Nerd Council(who will undoubtedly kill me for revealing this) our complete and utter takeover of the world was plotted, the first step of course being the elimination of all college fraternities that do not completely submit to our superiorety. This 'Animal House" must be the first to perish.
They must fall before we may bring the world under a haze of putrid yellow smoke. Our armies shall sweep across all nations! The Reign of the Nerds shall be unending! Purify yourselves and make peace with whatever gods you believe in! Appease us and you shall live, resist and you shall be liquified!
- Sauron, Envoy of the Nerds
The nerds are going to take this match, but not for the reasons you might think. This seems like a stretch, after all: The nerds have all the disadvantages...No physical prowess, tons of enemies who have LOTS of physical prowess, an addiction to computer porn (All nerds have it)...screwed, right? Wrong.
The match begins as Booger realizes that every single person on the opposing side are exactly like him...in fact, he is the epitome of everything they hold to be good and holy, and is worshiped by Animal House as a god. Unperturbed, half the Tri-Lams charge headfirst into the battlefield while the other half just kind of falls into a fetal position, as is their instinct when a combat situation arises.
Just as defeat seems imminent for our nerdish heroes, who should appear over the horizon line? The Lamda Mu's!!! Yes, the Tri-Lam's sister sorority, full of pudgy and nerdy college broads who couldn't get laid on a street corner in Time Square, heard about the match and decided to use their own bizarre version of cheerleading to help the Tri-Lams out. Animal House sees, this, and because they're Just That Drunk (And the Lamda Mu's are Just That Horny), they begin to successfully hit on, and score with, the Lamda Mu's. The Tri-Lams try to stop this free love fest, but give up after their never- receeding hormones kick in and run home for a fix.
The next morning, the Animal House crew wakes up, severly hung over, and looks around in a classic scene that never deteriorates in value no matter how many times we see it. They realize what they've just done (more like WHO they've just done), and decide that they cannot live with themselves any longer...
The Tri-Lams win by default, and celebrate with a round of missed high-fives and annoying, nasal laughter.
- Brian C. Strock, nerd for life
FACT: Revenge of the Nerds is from the 80s.
FACT: Animal House is 70s fare.
Pretty damned obvious who this goes to.
Going by the potential allies in this situation, this is not just a Grudge Match (TM), but a religious Jihad. Let's look at what type of allies the two can bring up:
Nerds: being sponsored by a black Fraternity, they can call on Shaft, who, unfortunately, will be housed in a mental hospital after the amount of mockery he's gotten for still wearing 70's fashions. Being Nerds, they can summon all of Silicon Valley. Which in this case, with no real computer work to be done, are utterly useless. (I would include Bill Gate, but due to legal actions by the government, the Great Lord of Darkness is incapacitated).
Animal House: First of all, ignore Kevin Bacon. He HATES the Nerds, and EVERYONE is Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, and thus make this too unfair. They could probably get various SNL members, but due to ALL of their careers being on a downslide, are equally uselss as the silicon valley nerds.
As we all know, Belushi was a Blues Brother, who was on a mission from god. Since he and his comrades in arms are fighting for possession of the "Holy Land", they will find like fanatics to remove the infidels, or nerds, from the land. (As we all know, anyplace where you can get sex, booze, and not have to deal with The Real World (Season 5) is a place you DON'T want to leave).
However, history showed that after initially kicking the arabs out of Jerusalem successfully, the christians were NEVER able to hold onto or recapture Jerusalem. History has also shown that after getting initially beat, the Nerds become unbeatable. At the same time, with the nerds NOT having any religious backing like Belushi, I expect god to ZOT them on the spot after they defeat one of his chosen warriors. Who actually won, in this case, is up to you.
What you seem to have disregarded is this... The Animal House people have a great deal of sympathy and support. There are a whole buncha nerds out there, most of whom have access to the Internet(tm). Now before Jeff leaps on my response and says that I just proved the nerds would win, (In honerable Grudge Match commentator fashion) Let me point out one simple fact about nerds. They all wish that they weren't nerds. They Idolize people like Animal House, and will therefore support them. Most Likely the Nerds (capital n this time.) will leave simply because their Heros tell them to.
However, they have their revenge.
They call upon the mightiest Nerd ever, BILL GATES. As soverien of the internet(tm) he simply deletes Animal House from Dimension 8. And the Nerds win by default.
I think the overall stupidity and bluntness of Delta Tau Chi will prevail in this one. The Nerds deal mainly in High-Tech and Psychological Monkey Torture. The Deltas, for all of their glory, are morons who wouldn't understand the cerebral onslaught of the Tri- Lams. Mainly, the Nerds profess their superiority by bedding their opponents girlfriends which leads to exchanges like:
Booger: Ha Ha Boone I got Katie in the sack heh heh...URK!! (Booger starts picking up his teeth and bits of his face after the JD bottle was smashed over his head)
Gilbert: Tee Hee! We got those foxy KAK girls on tape in their undies...We So Naughty!(TM)...oh wait HEY!! Who is that slovenly looking fellow dancing with Betty with her panties on his head?
No no no my Grudie friends...upon hearing that they must evacuate another fraternity from a house the Deltas will just plow on in there and the Nerds will scamper away screaming. They will plot revenge but by then, their Mommies and Daddies will be moving their skinny butts back home.
- Brian (There Is No Akhamed)
According to my linguistics textbook, the word "nerd" was created by Dr. Seuss.
This has no bearing whatsoever on the match, I just thought it was cool.
okay I am a big Animal house fan for starters and being a nerd as well I found it a tough decision to make but I feel the nerd's would clean house on this one.
It Basically boils down to brains and brawn (sure it would start out to be a prank war but when the Tri lambs mess with the Delta house's Beer (which I mean come on it's bound to happen) The deltas are gonna go on the war path. no prank will satisfy they now not drunken hoard. they only way they feel avenged is to destroy Destroy DESTROY HA HA HA HA HA HA HA (sorry I got caught in the moment) ) the Nerds clearly have the advantage in the Brain versus Brawn Department I mean they tried and won like five movies that way.
The Deathmobile (Tm) although a very cool car would be removed from play by the TANK yes thats right TANK that the nerds found in Nerds two nerds in paradise. While the Deathmobile (Tm) is scary and has a turrent built on it the TANK out weighs it and has a real turrent that wasn't built by some guy in a garage (Who if the rest of the Deltas were any example was also very drunk).
And finally we come to the muscle Department with commerce being what it is today and the Nerds being who they are the muscle (besides the whole ogre thing which I won't get into) can be worked around by one stealing money with a worm virus from a major corporation two transferring the money into a bank account three hiring contractors to do all the work. OR they could just reroute some city matence to build a highway through the Deltas home. either or you know..
So in closing The Deltas although a scary drunken horde they are would soon a dried up sober hung over hopelessly defeated horde.
- Josh The Ominous Bone Crunching Black Gauntlet OF DOOM
Looking at the news these days, I see that the Deltas are still taking Nerd-names. Senator Blutarsky's Anti-Trust team are already taking down Bill Gates, who we all know must have been a Tri-Lambda. Neither Carrie Fisher nor Janet Reno can resist the Eyebrows of the late, great Mr. John Belushi.
- P.J. Barragry
ok, so let's weigh our contestants:
1) animal house has guys who can down an entire bottle of jack(tm) in one pull.
2) i've never seen revenge of the nerds.
3) jack daniel's is my favorite drink. (whether in coke, or straight)
clearly, animal house comes out on top.
- d. "when you've known him as long as i have, you call him john" g.
I presume that since Tri-Lam and Animal House are the *most* favored frats at Grudge U., the one that gets kicked off prob. will because it behaves like a model frat house would at a more normal college.
I only know these frats by reputation. But I have heard their histories in part. I understand that Tri-Lambda can behave well if it is not provoked by "jocks," though its revenges go to legendary extremes when it is. I also know that the Animal House never behaves well, ever; that's why it is called Animal House. All Animal House has to do is figure this out, and then get all houses, esp. jock houses, to direct pranks everywhere *except* at Tri-Lam. Of course, that may take a while.
Animal House in 14 years.
- Artless Dodger
John Belushi is a Roman God. There is no beating a Roman God. People may argue that Anthony Daniels has more than beaten him out in popularity, what with ER and everything. But remember, Daniels didn't start out a nerd, but a slacker in "Fast Times at Ridgemont Hight". That Daniels would have fit right into the party crazed, orgy motivated crowd at the Delta House. And Daniels was smart enough to bail out of the Nerd's sequels after the second one. Of course, if you look at the track record of both the casts, you find a stunning slip towards made for TV movies: Tim Matheson, Tim Busley, Robert Caradine, Stephen Furst....not exactly headliners... And Belushi is a Roman god. There is no beating a Roman god.
- Chris Zaczek
The overall contest would be a wicked, campus wide rollicking good time (with many a scantilly clad lass) if, and only if, the nerds hadn't made a part II and III... The Animal House boys showed the restraint and (dare I say) good taste to allow their masterpiece to stand alone, unsullied and glorious. Their victory is assured.
I voted for Animal House, because they have girlfriends. The Nerds never have, and never will-they spend all their time in "Star Trek" chatrooms trying to find pictures of Jeri Ryan nude . . .
- +++The Prophet+++
As some of you may know, semester finals are coming up, and Tri-Lam, being nerds, will have already been studying for weeks in preperation. They'll be too busy with their noses in the books, that they would realize the Animal House ripp through their house withtheir Monster Black Truck.
I'd feel like a bit of a traitor if I didn't go with the nerds on this one. Highschool sucked for us. Junior high was worse. Even elementary school was pretty miserable. College is our only sanctuary from the eternal torment, the only place where WE can laugh at THEM! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Okay, maybe I'll have more luck in grad school...
- Eric Zawadzki
One of the many pending threats against Microsoft and related computer monopolies by the government is a bill to abolish future breeding grounds of technological strongholds. Thus, the nerds' heads are already on the chopping block.
If you have a problem with it, take it up with Senator Blutowski.
- Kilgore Trout
I'm sorry folks, this isn't about Kevin Bacon or McGyver or "We're on a mission from God" or Bill Gates this is about real life.
And I ask, What the $#@*&!! are the Tri-lams going to do to Delta house that isn't worst than what they ALREADY do to themselves?
Hack into the dean's computer and change their grades from an "F"?
Trash their frat house?
Flame them in chat?
Have you ever seen a nerd around someone like D-Day or Bluto IN REAL LIFE? It's like watching Chihuahuas around Rottweilers. They whine, scratch, then pee on themselves.
Animal house could destoy them with out even thinking (which is pretty much the idea with the deltas).
Get them drunk, leave them in a room with a real woman or take them for a ride to meet "Real Black People" and nerds self destruct.
And the Deltas do all of the above (to varying degrees of sucess)
- Darth Brooks - Scaring The Piss out of Nerds on a Daily Basis
in the long run, nerds always win. always. they also have an intimate knowledge of long range offensive weapons. don't ask me how i know this
It all boils down to the God factor. I'm all but an athiest myself, but I just could not bring myself to argue, as much as I wanted to, for the Tri-Lams. Not after seeing the sheer firepower brought in by just two of the Deltas. Blutowski and D-Day. Why D-Day? Because there is a better than average chance that he is God.
Blutowski, is of course, "Joliet" Jake Blues. Jake was on a Mission From God. D-Day (Al, the Bartender on Quantum Leap) is God. Jake and God are fraternity brothers. God gave Sam Beckett his 'Missions' for several seasons. Witness also that D-Day was Jack Dalton, a Close Personal Friend of MacGyver. Yes, he was also a Trek captain, but you have to give the almighty -some- room for error.
Yes, the TriLams have the power of McClane associated with them through Booger's internship later in life at a detective agency, but the drag of George Clooney will easily mess with McClane's Mentos Level Coolness(tm) factor, giving him no chance in a contest with the almighty power of God.
I want to see a McClane vs. God match to settle that score, but until I see good arguments about that, I've gotta give my vote to the power of the Blues, and Missions from God.
Geez. What kinda atheist am I here?
- Datsun Q. Wanderer
Which to choose... Unintelligent pickle-brained drunken jerks or up and coming technocratic geniuses?
Ok, the nerds would definatly lose if it came down to a fistfight, there's no question there. However, I think Joe's forgetting the Bill Gates TM factor.
Bill Gates, software tycoon and monopolist, is said to be the richest man in the world. And just how did Bill Gates become the monopolist tycoon he is?
By being a NERD of course!
Just tell me, how many unintelligent pickle-brained drunken guys do you know of who are worth over $1,000,000,000?
The nerds will win for the mere fact that they probably all work for major computer companies in high level (and high paying) positions.
As we all know, money can buy everything but Love. That includes a win over a bunch of unintelligent pickle-brained drunken jerks with no work ethic.
Animal House has to win! Three reasons...
A) Drunk people do the unthinkible, leaving the Nerds defenseless against instant tactics
B) The beer they have would be great fire fuel to burn any plans the Nerds had against them
C) Who would outsiders help out more? Nerds or Party animals?
Nerds will win beyond the shadow of a doubt. They have the intelligence to build a battle-van that would put the A-team to shame. They are more resourceful then mcguver. I am a nerd, (I have the membership card and everything), and believe me no matter how bad it looks we always deafet those damn jocks in the end. As for women, they do prefer thoughtful, caring, chivalrious, man instead of those beer-swilling, steriod-pumped, brain-dead, jocks. Last but not least every one knows that nerds have the complete support of the Brothas, (as in "gonna bust a cap in your ass"), and other minoreties.
"Sodomize the match - I want to enroll in GMU."
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