Steve vs. Brian Responses -- Part II

Here is a collection of responses that otherwise would probably not have been posted due to errors, "stretching things a bit" (even for us), similarities with other responses, non sequiturs, length, "hypercreativity", etc. But given the high quality of responses for this match, and given the limited material there was to work with for Steve vs. Brian, we eased up a bit. These are all funny and/or "interesting" in one way or another.
To think that Luther would let either win... let's see, a criminal mastermind versus two college dweebs? I can't imagine that he would permit the "winner" to return to the real world. Let's suppose that Steve emerges the winner (to pick randomly). Then what? Is Steve miraculously transported back to the real world, to bask in his newfound glory and doubled profits? To not quote Descartes, I think not. More likely: Luther, in a fit of psychotic genius, uses the winner as bait. For whom? None other than the publishers of THE BOOK. Why? Right now, Luther's embarrasment is only viewable by those few thousand web geeks who choose to swing by the site. On the other hand, once THE BOOK is published, Luther will be pushed into the limelight, his antics available to MILLIONS of people. Who did Luther lose to? Ricardo Montelban, for God's sake! Who wouldn't want to keep that private? Face it, you two: you're only pawns to a much greater game. WWWF Part 2: Luther vs. Border's books.

- Josh Moses

Luthor isn't actually in the Grudge Match Book (tm). Of course, Lex never was one to fully scrutinize his plans ahead of time... Regardless, a funny thought.

Nobody loses, and nobody wins. Let me explain.

As the battle starts, little do either Brian or Steve know that Lex Luthor is controlling the fight, making sure it will last a long long time. Three days have passed in an epic battle, with the opponents winded, and undamaged.

All the while, Khan is angered at Lex's refusal to let him control for a few minutes. So, in a repeat of the grudge match that sent them to the 8th dimension, Khan kills Lex Luthor, and takes control of the machine. Luthor is now in the 9th dimension.

Suddenly, a temporal gateway open, and Captain James T. Kirk arrives, from a future Grudge Match, and takes on Khan. After spouting a lot of shakespeare, Khan rips Kirk's shirt. The resulting release of flab propells Khan 200 feet in the air, and he falls to the ground dead, himself now in the 9th dimension.

Captain Picard comes through the temporal gateway, grabs Kirk, and goes back into it. This creates a power struggle the likes of which noone has ever seen. The red shirted ensigns take on Stormtroopers, and although not a single one of them actually hit anything, they all fell dead.

Many other battles take place, and while Luthor's machine changes hands many times, noone ever gets a chance to control Steve and Brian's actions, so they continually circle each other for hours.

Finally, the end battle. Obi Wan Kenobi and Darth Vader square off for control of the device. They fight for hours when, in a surprising upset, old Obi Wan soils his depends, and the distraction was all Darth Vader needed to cut him down.

Not wanting to take any chances, Vader boards a shuttle and heads for the Death Star. The fighting has resumed, and Steve and Brian are still going at it, but not inflicting any damage. Vader is controlling the match from his quarters on the Death Star.

As the fighting continues, A shuttlecraft lands, and John Maclaine jumps out, and with a murderous rage, runs towards the two fighters, wanting to take them both out. His timing was slightly off, as a great explosion filled the sky as the Death Star exploded, taking the device with it.

The look on Maclaine's face told all. Steve and Brian were pulled back to their own dimension, and before Maclaine could even utter one dirty word, debris from the Death Star sent him to the ninth dimension too.

Steve and Brian apologized to each other, and then proceeded to configure their web server to point to the 9th dimension.


Wanting to gain an edge as quickly as possible, Brian roars into the match like a whirling dervish, fists flying everywhere, most shots intended simply to keep Steve off guard. His strategy is a good one: to strike fast and strike hard, not giving his legions of enemies the time they need to tip the scale in Steve's factor. To his utter horror, one wild swing connects, sending Steve's jaw 120 degrees, and his brass knuckles 120 yards away. Why horror? Because he's drawn first blood in a Grudge Match. He has now stepped into the shoes of the antagonist, since the screenplay always calls for a Rousing Comeback (tm)! All Steve has to do is find an inventive way to even the odds, and Brian's done for!

Steve looks around frantically for another weapon, but sees only chihuahuas and red shirts. The chainsaw looks promising, but it's got Pretty Boy Wesley's karma, and Barney's blood, all over it. No dice. Brian, in the meanwhile, has accepted his fate, and is determined to give Steve the pounding of his life before he loses. If he's lucky, he'll get the "Alternative Cinema" Grudge Match ending where both fighters die. Pressed for time, Steve grabs a long metal rod to club Brian with... but it's actually the switch for the Transportrix 2000! Lex Luthor yells, "NOOOOOO!!!" as Steve tries to pull it...

Whammo! The machine creates another Brian and Steve in the alley, formed from the Transportrix's memory cache. But they're bizarre, imperfect, duplicates...

"Me loves you, Bizarro-Steve. Now live!" grunts Bizarro-Brian, as his white, chalky fists pummel the ground, opening huge cracks for Bizarro-Steve to fall into.

"You gonna win, Bizarro-Brian. Me am worse fight-guy than you," shouts Bizarro-Steve, as he lifts up a building to smash over Bizarro-Brian's head.

(Note: Brian and Steve have no superpowers, so their Bizzaro doubles do. Makes perfect sense.)

Meanwhile, the Grudge Matchers of days gone by are caught in hysteria as the landscape deteriorates around them. RuPaul accuses Samantha and/or Jeannie of messing up the whole thing, and the two witches suddenly find themselves staring down the business end of a Garden Weasel (tm). And a Battle Royale ensues! The Battle Royale to end all Battle Royales, as the combatants not already destroyed in Bizarro-Steve's and Bizarro-Brian's rampage start tearing each other apart!

In the fracas, the Transportrix 2000 is blown to bits! Possibly because it was in the path of a thrown lightsabre, or possibly because Tim Taylor was standing too close to it, but blown up it is, cutting off the energy field necessary to keep an individual 5 dimensions removed. Brian and Steve find themselves hurtling through interdimensional space, landing back in Cornell. All's well, but was it a tie? NO! Don't forget, Steve's jaw is still busted, and he still doesn't have any weapons, while Brian has now risen to the rank of Villain That Returns For The Sequel (tm). Steve may yet win the war, but Brian's won this battle on points. Plus, he's got Webster's brass knuckles with him -- a fine addition to the Grudge Cave.

- The Dentman

The deciding factor here is going to be Satan. Obviously Brian and Steve are so evenly matched that they're going to be fighting until hell freezes over, and the Devil, who moved out of the first Hell, New England, to get away from cold weather, won't be very happy about this. Satan will show up and kill Steve with his trident because Steve in the now famous Microsoft Vs. Disney match identified him with Bill Gates, and as everyone knows, even the Devil isn't that evil. Winner: Brian.

But it isn't over. Brian, depressed by the loss of his friend and co-author, will vow never to write another Grudge Match and Lex Luthor will laugh fiendishly at the success of his horrible plot. But then, Lex Luthor himself will be transported to the Rancor Pit in Jabba's Palace, covered in chocolate chips, and faced with the last person he ever expected to meet: Steve! Yes, this was all a scheme of Brian and Steve to obtain Luthor's Transportrix 2000, and it was really Steve's clone the Devil killed. Brian and Steve will laugh at the horrors and dreadful match-ups they can now accomplish and abandon Luthor to his fate. "But why am I covered in chocolate chips?" Lex wonders. Then the great Rancor gate opens, and a loud voice booms out, "ME WANT COOKIE!" Luthor screams before he is devoured by a ferocious Cookie Monster. Winner: Not Lex Luthor.

- J. Insler

There I was, at my computer reading another grudge match. This one I was finding most amusing. I laughed out loud when I read the final reason that Steve gave. What a crock! Then, a hard pounding knock shook my door. I sat up quickly, surprised. I opened the door.

"What is it that you find so amusing, Mr Désaulniers?" he asked me. He was a large man, dressed all in black. He looked like Jesse "The Body" Ventura, and had his deep, harsh voice.

I found myself apologizing. For what, I don't know. Another even bigger man stood behind him. I found myself backing up into the room again. I wasn't sure why, but I felt as though I was 5 years old again.

"When someone laughs, sir, it is because they are amused. Or perhaps uyou are going mad. Is that it? Are you insane? Do you want to be?"

Their questions pounded into me, leaving me unsure if I was sane or not. I stumbled about, trying to make sense of what was happening. I found myself sitting in a chair in the corner, with them standing over me....It seemed as though I was interrogate d for hours. They asked of me the strangest questions, and seemed to be pleased with my answers, as though they were important, or monumental. Then they left as quickly as they came, the door closing itself behind them. As I found myself suddenly alone , I knew there was something that I had to do..........

I turned to my computer, and clicked on "Brian".......

- Jappy [I think I found a microchip in my spine]

As the two combatants begin to sum up their friend-suddenly-turned-adversary (™ and © professional wrestling), a small flaw is discovered in Lex Luthor's machine. There is always a flaw in his machines that allows Superman to circumvent their function, thereby indicating that Luthor is incapable of building a machine that can always function as intended. Only Stimpy is capable of such a feat, or need I remind you all of the Happy Helmet™? True, Ren destroyed it, but he's a chihuahua of exceptional enough willpower to be able to destroy the Happy Helmet.

Steve and Brian are unexpectedly brought to the lair of the 8th Dimension Combatants Local 42 (they've unionized, ya know) as their places are switched with those of two random 8th dimensioners. It turns out there was a gltich in Luthor's machine that caused locational instability. "Oh, dear!", Niles exclaims as he is put face-to-face with a Predator. As quickly as he appeared, Niles vanishes and is replaced by Howard Stern.

This spectacle continues. Predator is replaced by the Minnesota Vikings, Howard is replaced by Mr. T, William Wallace replaces the Vikes, and both are simultaneuously replaced by an Alien and Wesley Crusher, who is immediately killed by said Alien. The Grim Reaper appears in place of the Alien and curses to himself for being too late. He is consoled by the fact that Kenny appears, despite not ever having yet been a combatant in The Grudge™ and Death gets to kill him again. The two are then replaced by a rottweiler and Ren. The rottweiler perks up at the chance for another meal. Ren is heard to utter "Luthor, you fat, bloated eediot!! You should have stuck to coacheeng basketball!!"

Before the rottweiler can eat Ren, the two are replaced by Michael Jackson and the HAL 9000. "My programmer taught me a song, Michael. Would you like to hear it?" "Sure, HAL, sing it for me. Shamon!! HOO-hoo!" HAL begins to sing Daisy, Daisy and Michael becomes so enamored with his singing that as soon as they are replaced by Obi-Wan Kenobi and the fat Elvis, Michael gets HAL a contract with Motown. Elvis says, "Damn, where is that little freak?", upon the utterance of which Michael reappears (he did the contract thing over the phone) and Elvis quickly crushes him beneath his fat. E promptly eats another 16 peanut butter an' 'nanner sandwiches.

Meanwhile, a sympathetic Stimpy sends Steve and Brian back to our world, and shortly afterward the 8th dimension is thrown into total chaos. Past Grudge Matches continue to overlap. Steve and Brian can sleep soundly, knowing that the 8th dimension is still in enough turmoil to keep them busy enough to write another book.

- Nick Zachariasen

By the Goddess...the situation i now find myself in could only be topped in the amount of gut-wrenching anxiety i feel if i had to make the same choice about my beloved parents. To choose! You ask us to choose! How dare you?! When i stumbled over this site, i felt as if i had been burrowing through a trash heap the size of rhode island, and suddenly! A shine of tooled silver and gold lances through my retina! Encrusted gems and precious metals, a shield, such that Achilles could never hope to bear! All of the Grudge Matches that ever were, and that ever will be, engraved upon its surface! I can only experience a nuance of the divinity that created this shield, and i see it through only two people--the very two who are asking me to end this vision, this beauty.

No!! Neither shall be victorious over the other! Brian and Steve have called all of these losers from the wastelands of pop culture and mass media, and they can vanquish them! Lex Luthor is the leader of this motley crew, and that essentially makes the entire gang another Legion of Doom. And they are sitting ducks, crowding around the round table in the Hall of Doom, chihuahuas nipping at everyone's heels, Darth Vader breathing harder than normal trying to maintain his Force-based influence on the baseball-sized Death Star in this hand. They all gaze at the moniter, awaiting the moment of fate. A murmur like a Mack truck (TM) ripples through the room.

Luthor floats high above the heads of the others (courtesy of his anti-gravity belt), his hand working with anticipation upon the lever jutting from the wall, containing the destiny of his most hated nemises. "And so it begins!" He viciously yanks down on the lever, and the Hall of Doom shudders with the activation of the fusion generators. The alley shown on the monitor begins to phase away with the colliding of dimensions, colors blending into grey, spreading from a central point of blinding white. Suddenly, the white core sucks up the mistlike grey and splits into two, each ball of light flying to opposite ends of the alley. Luthor grins tightly, sweat beading on his bald pate. The New Legion of Doom stares, dumbfounded. The two lights snap into human form, become eight- dimensional, light fading to flesh.


A monitor blinks awake from the brick wall of the building beside them. Luthor leers evilly from within the Hall, knowing his plan has come to fruition. "I have no need to introduce myself, or my compatriats," Luthor sneers as the camera pans across the impossibly crowded room. "I must congratulate you on your penchant for making enemies. Now you must pay. Fight!!"

Brian straighens his back, narrowing his eyes. "I think not." Buttons fly to the pavement as he tears his experiment-stained labcoat off, revealing a heavily muscled torso, red cape snapping out around him, and a huge hammer in his equally huge hand.

Steve crouches and clenches his fists, an angular toothy grin slashing his face. Air whirls around him, picking up dust and debris from the alley floor. When the air clears, Steve's pupil-less eyes lock with Luthor's. "You have picked the wrong day."

Luthor suddenly realizes the flaw in his doomed plan. Travelling to the eigth dimension has endowed Brian and Steve with fearsome powers-- Brian becoming Thor, the Asgardian God of Thunder, and Steve becoming he who controls all matter, Molecule Man. "Oh shit," Luthor says as the pair fly up out of the alley. "Quickly! We must fortify the Hall! To your posts!" His words echo uselessly over the crowd--they are packed shoulder to shoulder, no room to move. Luthor screams in rage as the former contestants jostle each other ineffectively.

His shouts are ceased by a shattering explosion erupting from the south side of the Hall. Brian, led by his mighty Hammer, rips through the adamantine hull of the structure. All of the Stormtroopers and red-shirted ensigns die instantly. "Your reign of tyranny ends here, Luthor!" Brian bellows with the lungs of gods.

"A bit dramatic, that," Steve quips as he phases through the hull into the room, molding a few hundred adamatine missiles the size of bowling balls from the walls and hurling them into the crowd. Everyone above five foot three is beheaded, except for Darth, who manages to throw up a force shield, even though burdened with the aforementioned Death Star.

Brian turns to face the mastermind of the operation. "Give up, Luthor. Your plan has failed. Return us to our home." Luthor slowly backs away from Brian, hoping that the Thunder God will be paying more attention to the funny hand animals he is making, rather than the large 'EXIT' sign flashing just behind.

"No, wait! This is fun!" Steve grins as he turns all the chihuahuas into cupcakes.

Darth Vader lays motionless on the ground, his legs reformed into club sodas. He still grips the Death Star, but he feels his control over it weakening. Darth watches Brian advance on Luthor, and Steve change Mr. T into a horseshoe, and he knows that the cause is lost. He lets the Force slip away...

Brian's godlike senses feel a shift in the energy flow of the room, and he snaps around to see the Death Star fall from Darth's hand. In seconds, Brian swoops down and snatches Steve from making his line of fashion wear from Colonel Sanders' hair, and sweeps his Hammer around and around, creating a magical vortex to carry them far from that place of Doom. They reappear in space, and look towards the Earth of eight dimensions, where the Death Star has regrown to full size on the surface of the planet.

"Crap!" Steve yells. "Now how are we going to get home? Luthor's machine was our only chance!"

"Perhaps not the only chance," Brian replies. "We have a whole universe to search..."

No, this is not an end...but a beginning.

- Telperion

Apparently, one of our past Guest Commentators (tm) still has some unresolved issues...

Still feeling the pain of losing the battle between Deep Space Nine and Babylon 5, Darren runs into the evil corridors of the University of Alberta Earth and Atmospheric Sciences Department in search of his arch rival... Kurt! He rounds every corner of t he Geology department searching for the little twerp, checking every closed door along the way, and just when he thinks his little nemisis has ran away from him once again... a luminous being steps out from behind the Devonian rock exhibit. It is Lex Lu thor!

DARREN: What the hell do you want Lex? I thought you got your ass whooped.
LEX: HA HA HA! Don't be so sure. I have a proposal for you Darren. One which I think you will like greatly.
DARREN: Yah, what?
LEX: How would like to kick Kurt's ass?
DARREN: I'd love it!, What's the catch?
LEX: I've transported him to the 8th dimension, where the two of you will have to fight, and only the survivor will be able to return!
DARREN: Let's get it on!

Instantly Darren is transported to a dark alleyway adjacent to where Brian and Steve can be heard going at it(fighting that is). At the end of the alley... is KURT!

KURT: Why am I here?
DARREN: Because it's time for me to kick your ass!
KURT: What the hell for? Are you still bitter about your sissy DS9 losing to my superior B5?
DARREN: You are soooo dead! There can be only one!
KURT: Oooo! Nice highlander come..[WHAM]
Kurt's head is chopped off by a sword which Darren was carrying with him at the university! Kurt loses! Darren wins!

The end! Now change the tally!

- Darren

Finally, here are some people that REALLY couldn't think of anything to say about Steve vs. Brian. But, like we said, we're granting leeway this week...
Steve would win 'cause The Lord Darth Vader is in the room, and is pissed off for his treatment in McClane v. Death Star...

I said WOULD win. But he won't. You see, they sealed the match the moment they mentioned what it would be. In the prelude comment, they said "There can be only One". Dang straight. This is Conner v. Duncan. They've been itching to get each other ever since Duncan took Kronos out.

Unfortunately for Duncan, he is strongly outmatched in the Babe Factor. A simple viewing of any Highlander movie, versus any Highlander episode will show that. In the movies, we have Conner : "I am Conner MacLeod of the Clan MacLeod. And I cannot die." Cut to - the bedroom. In the episodes, we have Duncan - who doesn't even have the sense to take up Amanda on her offer to play house for 80 years.

In the fighting though, there will be a lot more competition. We have Conner, who has killed the Kurgan, 2 punko immortals, General Katana (the name says it all), and Kane. Then there is Duncan. He's killed two of the four horsemen of the Apocalypse, his own student Richie, an old friend of his who was a Schizo, and too many more to count. This proves that they both have the talent, although Duncan has a leg up on Conner for killing his own friends.

Housing - well, both are antique dealers, so that evens out part of it. Duncan owns a barge in Paris, while Conner owns an oil camp in the desert. Advantage - Conner, for oil prices.

On the other hand, I'm sick and tired of seeing Conner win and be the only One, become a mortal again, and go through everything all over again in the next movie. Can't he make up his mind?

Final battle - Duncan wins because he doesn't have any problems with killing friends or family members. However, right after being Quickened, he has an irrisitable urge to walk up to the nearest woman and say "I'm Duncan MacLeod of the Clan MacLeod. And I cannot die."

Sad to say, the woman was Conner's girlfriend, and she slaps him in the face.

- Asmkronos

The winner of your pathetic little tet-a-tet will be none other than Montgomery J. Burns. There is no way that a hen-pecked, senile dullard who can't even buy his way off a deserted island can possibly outmatch the sinister machinations of Springfield's most notorius buisiness mogul. In a battle of the wealthy, Mr. Howell is sure to loose. Next time, try a real match, like Daddy Warbucks or Bill Gates.

In addition, the Taco Bell employees, charged with producing a positively dizzying array of menu items, obviously have the flexibility of thought to assemble the defelctor grid. Those pathetic McDonalds drones need special training to tie their shoes, there is no way they could ever hope of following even simple assembly instructions, never mind dealing with the horribly complex intricacies of macro-quantum effects.

The key factor in this bout, however, is that Jay will no doubt pine away for his lost partner. Sure, he has The Rage(TM), but without the trench-coated dwarf to act as a repository for his madness, his irrationality will eat away at his effectiveness in the perils of the cavern. Meanwhile, being truly intelligent, and possibly imbued with spooky, Lucas-inspired powers, Silent Bob will easily best his erstwhile partner, impaling his scrawny frame on a convienient stalactite.

To sum it all up, Papa Smurf will have an easy victory over Mae West, despite her advantage of canned artichoke hearts, and hence Mr. Burns walks away with Captain America's shield. All too easy.

- SoupIsGood Food

As the fight begins, Steve kicks the puny insignificant brass knuckles across the dank and verdant floor of the alley. He doesn't need them. Grinning at Brian across the grim emotionally wrung passage baboons squeal and jostle each other in a stampede to get out of the way. Steve pulls out the latest top-secret central Asian technical know-how, his superior anterior alto genetic-vastonenator. The audience gasps! The genetic-vastonenator: a vicious and unsanitary weapon developed by... developed by...oh, who was it... perhaps... SATAN?

No. No, no no, extremely foolish silly-headed audience with bunny-rabbit ears (although such an audience might think so.) The vastonenator was not developed in the research laboratory of the Evil One in the bowels of eternal damnation where tongues of flame lick at the tender loins of tiny baby doves cooing in the morning breeze like tinkling Japanese wind chimes. Nor was it part of the devious plot of the late Roman emperor Gaius Julius Caesar Germanicus to corner the market in shiny metal objects. (Neither can it be traced back to either the Johnson or the Kennedy administration, although some researchers associated with the freeze-dried food division of Kentucky Fried Chicken® were rumored to have developed plans for a similar device to compete with Tsetse Fly Day® in Arlington, West Virginia.) No, the superior anterior alto genetic-vastonenator was rendered by the Allied Combat Squadron Commandant of the Republic of Kazakhstan in a fit of Rage®, in cooperation with state and local officials who had developed this system in the event of an actual emergency deathmatch between Steve and Brian. In the event of an actual death-match (such as this one) the officials in our local area will notify combatants of split-second news and official authorization for use of genetic weapons. Brian's only half-hearted attempt at defense is to pull his Swiss army mirror out of his kangaroo pouch to reflect the force of the blast back at Steve, but alas he is too late...Steve blasts Brian in the genes and splatters him into a dazzling pool of throbbing euglena; the audience goes wild! Immediately the CIA, (in clandestine cooperation with the Non-allied Tropical Sheep Fever Column) detect the blast that has decisively eliminated Brian. They swoop down with their poisonous beaks and razor sharp talons, stealing the gene-gun while orgasmically rending Steve into a warm protoplasmic smear of pure beige ecstasy. The audience bursts into laughter as Lex Luthor runs out into the steaming alley, tearing the shirt from his breast. "Come back and mutilate ME!!" he wails as the tears stream down his face, but the sheep are relentless. Neither they or the CIA agent, whose leathery wings span the sky, are going to bestow another multiple meta-orgasm today. Especially since they know Luthor isn't even in the union.

Final Score:
Steve/CIA 1
Brian/Luthor 0
Caligula/Cubs 12

- Cthotic Imperator Sutekh 9

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Gary Coleman v. Webster
Khan v. Lex Luthor
A Rottweiler v. A Rottweiler's weight in Chuihuahuas

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