World Wide Web Fights Presents
What is Grudge Match?
What is Grudge Match?

The Scenario

"Excuse me?"

The blond-haired boy, working inside the repulsor's access port on his podracer, takes his head out to look around. The desert sands are empty. He goes back to work.

"I say, up here!"

He looks up, and gets a shock. There is a human boy, about twelve standard years old and dressed in a scarlet robe, hovering over his head on a broomstick with the name "Firebolt" written across it. "Wizards! How do you do that?"

The other lad shrugs. "Magic. Listen, I wonder if you can help me. My name's Harry."

"I'm Anakin." Fusing one last connection, he climbs out of the access port.

"Well, Anakin, I'm not supposed to be on this planet. Draco Malfoy pulled a prank on me with an Apparition spell. Made a Portkey out of the Golden Snitch during a Quidditch match. Now I have to get the Snitch back if I'm ever to return to Hogwarts."

Anakin hops into the pod resting on the ground. "You must be from another planet. You aren't making any sense."

Harry breathes a sigh. "I need to find a small golden ball with wings on it. It floats."

"Oh, so that's what it was. I used it to replace the blown levitator coil in my podracer." Anakin powers up, and his pod rises off the ground. "It works! Now I'm sure to win the big race. Yippee!"

"What?" shouts Harry, before choking on the cloud of dust from Anakin's receding podracer. "You little git, come back with that Golden Snitch!" He draws his wand, and spurs his broom into pursuit.

So, Dave, which wiz kid will wind up the Golden Boy today?

Anakin Skywalker, The Phantom Menace
Anakin Skywalker


Harry Potter
Harry Potter, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone

The Commentary

DAVE: Anakin Skywalker does not impress me. Sure, he won an important pod race, but so what? That was, by his own admission, the first and only time he ever finished a race! Sounds like a pretty crappy record to me. Harry Potter, on the other hand, is a proven winner. Apart from one instance in which nearby Dementors caused him to faint, Harry has never failed to capture the Golden Snitch for his team. Not only has Harry racked up the Quidditch wins, he also outmaneuvered a dangerous Hungarian dragon during an international magic tournament. Needless to say, this tournament was eventually won by... you guessed it... Harry Potter. So let's review, shall we?

Anakin Skywalker - One win, many losses
Harry Potter - One loss, many wins

Putting Harry in a situation where he needs to acquire the Golden Snitch means the outcome is certain. This is simply what Harry does best. He may be in perpetual trouble in Potions class, and he may not have the gifts for Divination, but when he mounts his world-class Firebolt broomstick, he is unbeatable.

The fact that the Snitch is currently a component of Anakin's pod makes no difference. Harry can use any number of spells to stop Skywalker. Following that, he can just reach in and take the Snitch, and I guarantee you that puny Skywalker won't have a whole lot of say in the matter.

At the end of the day, Potter will be safely returned to Hogwarts, while Ani will have to console himself with the theme song of his red-haired namesake: "The sun(s) will come out... tomorrow..."

SHANE: It's apt that you mentioned a red-headed stepchild, Dave, since I'll be beating you like one now.

Using taunting nicknames against Anakin may make you feel better, but he's too mentally tough to be affected. Slavery will do that for you. Name-calling seems more likely to wound the puny, bespectacled Harry, as we've seen more than once in his books. Indeed, given the reputation of British boarding schools, I'm surprised he hasn't suffered far worse from Hogwarts's bully-boys, although Harry Potter and the Knockwurst of Molestation probably wouldn't sell well in the children's department.

Now, Harry's usually superb at catching the Golden Snitch, but that's when it isn't moving at 600 miles per hour. A podracer can do that, while Harry's broomstick gives out at a quarter of that speed. Sure, Harry can try any spell he wants to stop Anakin, but he's facing something he's never encountered before: the awesome latent might of the Force. The moment Anakin finds his racer immobilized by an Impedimenta spell, his anger will bring a Hulk-like surge of power he never knew he had. If Harry's lucky, his wand will get Force-snapped at a hundred yards, and that'll be that for his magic. If he's unlucky, it'll be his neck. (Hey, Darth had to practice on someone.)

Besides, Harry's successful adventures usually spring from illicit assistance. He sneaks around Hogwarts in an Invisibility Cloak, using a proscribed Marauder's Map given to him by Ron's rebellious twin brothers. He even used unfair advantages in the Triwizard Tournament you mentioned, including against that Hungarian dragon. (And please, nothing Hungarian scares me, except the Gabor sisters.) With no friends around to cheat for him, his wand and his wits will be no match for speed and the Force.

Hope Harry likes knockwurst.

DAVE: The only thing less comprehensible than your arguments is your phallic obsession with meat. See a therapist.

Don't forget that Harry is atop a Firebolt, the Lamborghini of broomsticks. Anakin is still riding a piece of crap pod put together from used parts. He may as well be riding a 1978 AMC Gremlin. The nimble Potter will catch him easily. And your "latent force" idea is a bit of inspired nonsense. However, thank you for acknowledging that Anakin still has no idea how to actively wield the Force.

Besides, compared to magic, the Force isn't too impressive. Anything that can be accomplished with the Force can also be accomplished through Magic. Plus a whole lot more. Harry can just say "Accio Snitch" and it will fly right into his hand. Or, safe from reprisal from the Ministry of Magic, he can hit Anakin with the Imperio Curse and force him to hand it over. The possibilities are endless, but the outcome is the same. Harry's getting that Snitch.

Sure, Darth Vader had to practice on someone, but not Anakin Skywalker. This is a boy who repeatedly says "Yippee!". This is a boy who actually saved Jar-Jar Binks from a messy death at the hands of Sebulba. That is unforgivable.

Harry has defeated Lord Voldemort (sorry, You-know-who) on four separate occasions. I think he could probably take Darth Vader if he had to. Young Anakin should present no problem.

There is much fear in Anakin, and with good reason.

SHANE: Errrrrrr ...
Ahhhhhhh ...
Ummmmmmm ...

You got me, Dave. I can't do it. I cannot defend the person who saved Jar-Jar's life. Abetting such evil would render me contemptible beyond salvation. I won't do it. You can't make me! I don't care about years of match format precedent! I refuse to turn to the Dark Side! You'll never take my freedom! KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!

What good is this Force thing, anyway? Anakin's got it oozing out of his ears, but he never uses it to, say, free himself or his mother from bondage, or even to get himself a better haircut. Harry uses his magic all the time to save his friends, thwart evildoers, and just for good old-fashioned mischief. Compared to that practical aptitude, Anakin's just another Muggle.

I can see it now: Anakin revving away at full speed, only to have Harry cast a quick "Diffindo" to open the access port, and a Severing Charm to break the Snitch free. The pod loses levitation capacity, and Anakin augers into the rocky desert ground at 600 klicks. Sic semper Jar-Jar lover. Aaaaaaaaaaaah. The evil's draining from my soul already. Feels like a good Swedish massage. Higher, Ingrid, higher ...

Thanks for rescuing me from eternal perdition, Dave. I owe you one. (Whew! Can't believe what a close call I just had ...)

Related links for further research

TheForce.Net -- "Your daily dose of Star Wars." The top SW fan site on the web! Just about everything you could want: news, rumors, multimedia, discussions, and more. There's also the Humor Section, headed-up by one of our most high profile fans, Chris "Jedi" Knight.

The Results

Harry Potter, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone

Harry Potter (5227 - 50.4%)

witch slaps

Anakin Skywalker, The Phantom Menace

Anakin Skywalker (5137 - 49.6%)

Not only did the vote total shatter the
record (despite 300 getting tossed due to vote stuffing), but our server groaned beneath the strain of over 400K worth of comments¹, another record. Luckily, we got Hermione to use a "Pugnus Ferreus"² spell on the file to cut it down to size. Thanks for the incredible response.

¹402.6K to be exact
²Latin for "Iron Fist"™

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Voter Comments


Harry and Anakin fly through the air, ready to battle it out for the coveted bauble. But before either Force or magic can fly, two figures suddenly shimmer into view in front of them, bringing the chase up abruptly--none other than Yoda and Professor Dumbledore!

"Fight you should not," croaks Yoda. "Work together you must, if bright future you want."

"Oh, my, yes," says Prof. Dumbledore. "If you work together, you can travel to a land where you will be rich and powerful, your every wish will be fulfilled, and millions of kids will adore you."

"Wow," sighs Anakin, visions of freeing his mother dancing in his head.

"Where is this wonderous place?" asks Harry.

"Hollywood it is," replies Yoda.

"All you have to do is let us have the Golden Snitch for a moment to redirect its focus," says Dumbledore, "and you can be off to sunny skies, limousine rides, and sweet marketing deals."

Anakin and Harry look at each other and nod eagerly. Anakin sets down the pod racer, rips out the Snitch, and tosses it to Yoda. He and Dumbledore do that voodoo they do so well, and soon a magic- portal-thingie opens up.

"Step inside," says Dumbledore. "Your future awaits you."

The boys leap into the portal--but instead of being deposited in Tinseltown, they fly off to realities unknown, never to be seen again!

As the portal closes, the figures of Dumbledore and Yoda suddenly remove their masks, revealing the horrifying visages of--


"Serves them right," growls Mary-Kate.

"Yeah--try to horn in on our multi-million-dollar cute-kid industry, will they?" replies Ashley.

Laughing maniacally, their figures shimmer and disappear, leaving only a lone pod racer sitting in the desert.

- This bleak view of Evil triumphant brought to you by Bookworm

Silver Grudgie ROTW Silver Medal GrudgieTM

Sigh. Guys, I take no more pleasure than you do in watching Star Wars win again, but your arguments in favour of magic, much like a European, won't wash. The basic uselessness of magic has been proven again and again in pop culture, which teaches us this basic lesson: Any really important magic spell you cast will backfire and have some sort of wacky unintended consequences. Samantha's latest zap accidentally ruins Durwood, er, sorry, Darrin's latest ad campaign. Jeannie blinks her master into a heap o' trouble with Dr. Bellows. Alexandra in the comic-book version of Josie and the Pussycats (remember that? for your sake, I hope not) finds that those long tails and ears for hats will undo all her stupefyingly unimaginative magical trickery. Clearly, nothing magic can be of any use, with the possible exception of Dick Clark's eternal life potion.

Now, about this Force thing: It may be tough to get a handle on, but it's a rugged, rough-n'-ready kind of power: Unpredictable, unregulated, individualistic. Magic, on the other hand, is (as Dave points out) strictly regulated by a bureaucratic institution known as the Ministry of Magic. Since the Harry Potter books are written by an English single mom, it's no surprise that they favour government regulation of even the fantasy world. Now, let me ask you this: What is more in keeping with the spirit of the Grudgeverse: Rugged individualism, or some overstaffed institution competing with the Ministry of Silly Walks (tm) for federal money? This is like John Wayne vs. the National Endowment for the Arts. The victor is Anakin, and Harry goes looking for a government grant to get him home.

- Captain Corcoran

Bronze Grudgie ROTW Bronze Medal GrudgieTM (tie)

Well, at first glance, it does appear that Potter has the upper hand. He has the advantage of Magic, and the skill to use it, skill. Ani only has the latent Force powers, and his association with both Jar-Jar Binks and Midichlorians seems to spell his doom. But Anakin does have one thing on his side.


Let's say that Harry casts an immobilization spell on Anakin, and takes back his Golden Snitch. Suddenly, a gap in the Space/Time continuum will appear, allowing Harry to see what would happen because of that:

Anakin will lose the Boonta Eve Race, stranding himself and the Jedi entourage on Tatooine, where he will never become Darth Vader.

This means that the later movies (Episodes 4-6) never happened, and will retroactively be eliminated from history.

Harry will instead see that Hollywood never learned how to make a huge success from a single film franchise, and be taken aback at what the film industry instead puts out. Feature length nature documentaries about moss. "Artistic" films about the aesthetic appeal of a suede jacket. Three's Company: The Movie. Films starring Carrot Top and Tom Arnold. And what's worse for Harry, his movie will never be made in this blear future, leaving him without a merchandising machine and preventing hundreds of potential fans from discovering him.

Faced with this disturbing future, Harry agrees to let Anakin borrow the Golden Snitch for the duration of the race. Afterwards, Anakin gives him the Snitch, and asks if Harry could cast a spell on his career to make sure that he always has work. Harry tells him that he can't work miracles.

- Mason Moessmer

Bronze Grudgie ROTW Bronze Medal GrudgieTM (tie)

As we all know, Harry's archnemesis, Lord Voldemort, derived his name from this transposition of his original name.

Tom Marvolo Riddle
I am Lord Voldemort
Let's move the letters around a bit more, shall we?
I'm Vader - motor doll

Since we all know The Phantom Menace was nothing more than a big toy commercial, the "motor doll" in question must be none other than young Anakin Skywalker himself. Not surprising, given the other comparisons between Vader and Voldemort.

In four books, Harry's gone 2-0-1 against Lord Voldemort. It'll be 3-0-1 after this Grudge Match(TM).

- Dan McD.

Rather good tactic to suddenly change sides, Shane. Now lets see how well "Annie" does with just the SW fan boys on his side, and all the non-fanatics who read Shane's conversion and Dave's arguments all vote against him. Let's face it, a character that in his prime couldn't beat an old teacher (see Vader v. Obi-Wan for that info) certainly can't beat a flavour-of-the-month main character. (And what sort of male goes by the name of Annie anyways?) Although I dislike Harry Potter (you try practicing Wicca and ignoring all the idiots who ask you if you're a Muggles-friendly wizard or not when one thing's real (Wicca) and the other is fiction (Potter) without going nuts), it looks like, in all fairness a SW loss to me.

- Non-fan of Harry Potter, yet voted for him because of dislike for SW vote stuffing.

At first, it would appear that Harry's greater training would give him the win here. However, Anakin's got an advantage that Harry simply can't match: he doesn't have to follow the rules.

Why was Harry chasing the Snitch in the first place? To win a Quidditch match to score 150 points toward the inherently arbitrary contest between the wizard dormitories, of course. But to actually win, he has to obtain the Snitch according to the rules of the game . Think! If Harry was allowed too use a Rigor Mortis spell to dissuade the other people competing for the Snitch, wouldn't this have occasionally occurred during the course of a match during the book or movie? Harry isn't going to risk getting caught cheating, because he knows the rest of Gryffindor would then proceed to give him Magic Swirlies in Myrtle's toilet ad infinitum for killing their chances of winning the coveted Cup.

If Harry actually uses those nifty powers of his, he loses the match instantly.

Since Harry is effectively stripped of his powers, that leaves the two vehicles as the only consideration left. That, and can Harry even disassemble a podracer enough to extract the Snitch? But anyway, podracers don't go slower than 300 kilometers per hour. Broomsticks don't go faster than a few dozen kilometers per hour. Work that out on your fingers.

-The Kobold Overlord

Just like Dave mentioned ever so thoughtfully, what does the force have against magic? Sure, Anakin could use the force to make something fly around. But with magic young Potter could just go ALAKAZOOM and *poof* poor little Anakin boy is a heap of dust on the ground with his eyes blinking, like in those delightful cartoons you always see but never know what it's called.

So in conclusion, there's no doubt about it that Harry Potter wins this match.

- Mark Appleyard

The winner? Watto, who, after selling tickets to the thousands upon thousands of drooling fanboys, is able to buy and sell the Snitch ten times over.

- Vermin Boy

Let's look at this logically:

Harry Potter is destined to defeat Lord Voldemort, who is essentially a rip-off of Darth Vader.

Anakin Skywalker is destined to become ... Darth Vader.

Warsies versus Potterites, now there's a hard fight to call. Both factions have a large number of pathetic overgrown children on their side, but the Warsies have that toxic body odor working for them . . .

- Don "King" Milliken

While both characters are obnoxious brats, I'm going to have to side with Anakin on this one for several reasons.

First, there are the characters themselves. Harry Potter is, despite his magic abilities, a mere schoolboy and will always be for as long as Ms. Rowling keeps writing those books. In other words, a geek. On the other hand, we have Anakin Skywalker. Though he appears to be just some kid who worked in a junkyard, we all know that he is going to wind up getting Queen Amidala (who was played by Natalie Portman, an actress with a huge Internet fan following). Given the general tendency for dateless geeks to lose in Grudge Matches(tm), this alone should guarantee Anakin's win. But, wait, there's more.

It was established in "Phantom Menace" that a racing pod can go at a speed of about 600 kph (about 372 miles per hour). Also, racing pods are streamlined and equipped to keep their occupants in them at these speeds. Then we have Harry's broom. While it might be possible for it to go at that speed, it is not possible for Harry to hang onto it when it does. The aerodynamic forces would pull him off the broom, maybe ripping off his fingers in the process, and drop him to his death on the desert below. Also, since he would be trying to hold on with both hands, there would be no way for him to work his wand when he gets into spell range (as known from role-playing games, magic spells do have ranges, usually measured in feet).

Finally, we have the creators of the characters. Anakin Skywalker was created by George Lucas, head of a corporate empire and somewhat ruthless in his business dealings. Harry Potter was the creation of J. K. Rowling, who, while becoming rather wealthy from the books, lacks the corporate instincts of George Lucas. As seen in the past, being a leader in business helps in Grudge Matches(tm).

How this match will go will be that Anakin will take off in his pod, with Harry trying to pursue. As the pod accelerates, the distance between Anakin and Harry will increase. Harry will use his magic to attempt to close within spell range. However, the broom will soon go too fast for Harry as, first his glasses get pushed into his eyeballs, then he himself is torn from the speeding broom only to end up as a corpse with broken bones drying out in the Tatooine suns.

- The Demented Astronomer

Seeing how much an annoying prick Anakin is, George Lucas realizes that he needs to inject some juice into the prequels before the Star Trek vengeance jihad come calling, so...

After a 10 minute CGI-saturated chase scene, Harry becomes so annoyed at his bowl-haired opponent that he decides to use the spell that his prime foe once tried to use on him - Avada Kedavra, the kill curse. Obviously Anakin couldn't survive the spell, but power that evil pushes Harry over the edge...

Darth Sidious, meet your new apprentice. Besides Harry deserves the kissy-kissy with Amidala after his lack of success with Cho Chang.

- Your Mom

It's obvious that Skywalker is outwitted here. Potter will snatch that "snitch" thingy while Anakan is preparing to ACH....


- Matthew J.D. Moir

Star Wars Episode III: Anakin & the attack of the flying Wiz.

Deep into the heart of darkness, where no decent creature can live (Skywalker Ranch):

GEORGE: I have a new idea for Ep 3, instead of making a movie with a actual point to it and not sugar coating it for young kids, I have decided to merge the 2 greatest powers in the literary world in one film. I purchased Harry Potter's rights yesterday and had written a screen play by midnight.

(Hands over Script)

RICK: But this is on a cocktail napkin, and Star Wars is spelled wrong!

GEORGE: Look, this is our new project, Anakin will steal Potter's globe thing thus making him evil. Potter will team up with Jar Jar Binks and Obi Wan to retrieve this artifact and whomp on Anakin's ass. Joining Anakin will be 2 new characters Crankbot, a delightful old droid and K. Ill Me, a old Sith who previously taught Qui Gon. The Queen will be torn between her love of Anakin and the new guy Potter. It will end with a giant battle with bots, transformers, Jedis and yes even a rhombus. What do you think?

RICK: I never thought I would pray for another STAR TREK MOVIE!!!!

- Shaun the Other White Meat

Look, I don't give a gluteus rodentus about that poncy British kid and his irritating over-enunciating child actor friends. We've seen what happens to poncy Brits in the Star Wars universe: they get shot and shoved in Chewbacca's backpack (harmed, yes, but not defeated.) C3P0 proves over and over you can't kill poncy Brits in the Star Wars universe, no matter how irritating. (Peter Cushing doesn't count, 'cause he's not poncy, he's a bad-ass. He's such a bad-ass Vader's his bitch in the whole first movie.)

This one comes down to, 100 percent, whether Anakin circa Phantom Menace has enough Vader in him to do anything mean to anybody. And that answer is no.

Why? Because he talks like Shirley Temple, that's why. Because he's like four years old. And because George Lucas went and blew it for himself by EXPLAINING THE FORCE. Before, we could all take it for granted that The Force was just, um, there, like magic and stuff. But NOOOOOOOO, Lucas likes to have a big reveal in his flicks, no matter how bad (like the Luke & Leia sibling thing), so he throws in Liam and his toxicology report on Anakin, telling us The Force is actually sub-nuclear magnets or nanites or midgets or some crap.

So basically, Harry has the power of the unknowable universe on his side and Anakin has dust mites. Harry waves his wand around and Anakin's pod turns into a flying 16 ton weight. Anakin crashes into the desert where he's quickly pummeled by a wide assortment of racial caricatures (I'm thinking Sand People in sombreros backing over him in their '78 El Camino, with their walrus honking digitally replaced with them screaming, "HEY VATO! HEY VATO!"). Then Lucas can come and tell us their is no racist undertone and he planned it all along. Meanwhile, Harry's wormholed back to his comfortable pretty-white-people-with-no-actual-problems Chris Columbus world.

- iAiI Es el loco del televicion!

Potter is just too wishy-washy to win. He doesn't possess the killer instinct needed to magic the Snitch out of the speeding pod-racer (It's going 600 mph. Anakin's gonna die if it breaks) Anakin, on the other hand, will just use the Force to cut off Harry's breathing Vader-style.

While I agree that saving Jar-Jar was unforgivable, that is STILL a factor in Anakin's favor. We already know that Anakin can withstand the awesome annoyingness force that IS Jar-Jar Binks, but Harry can't even face Dementors without passing out. How's he supposed to withstand a tirade of annoying conversation from the Gungan?

On reflection, I changed my mind. Looking at the personalities of the two characters, the most likely scenario is that they will become best friends and go off to play happily together, hopefully letting Jar-Jar borrow the podracer and crash, instantly killing him.

- Superfraggle

Harry Potter could not take Darth Vader, you lying, dirty, rotten, filthy, stinking, soul-less, vile, asinine, moronic, twisted, mal- nourished, dim-witted, lock-jawed, ergonomic, rabbit-humping, pie- baking, scurvy-ridden, buck-toothed, lice-infested, cell phone- carrying, knicker-wearing, cow pie-eating, toe-sucking, monkey- loving, belly-button lint-saving, contemptible, Hungarian, magic- casting, XP-seeking, MP-hoarding, EQ-scavenging, Milli Vanilli- supporting, Vanilla Ice-rapping, broom-riding, wand-wielding, potion- mixing, X-Box-playing Brit-lover!

The Darth-Vader-Could-Take-Any-British-School-Boy Jihad (tm ) (There is no Jihad!(tm))

- Saru-Kun

[Hey, take that back about Shane! - Dave]

It seems to me that some major points were overlooked here.

  • Note that Darth Vader choked a number of Imperial officers and what did they all have in common? They were basically British. He has an easy time choking them and in fact he enjoys it.
  • This fight is occurring on Tatooine. Advantage Anakin. This is his home turf. He'll just swing that pod over by some Sandpeople and they'll shoot that S.O.B. out of the sky. He won't even have to get his hands dirty.
  • No more of this B.S. about Anakin not knowing how to use the Force. He uses it without even trying. He has Jedi reflexes and he can fly through a swarm of Trade Federation fighters, I think he can take out a kid on a broom.
And I'm not even counting in the intangibles here. This little bastard showing up in the galaxy is definitely going to be noticed. There will be an army of Jedi out to get that little Brit the second they feel that disturbance in the force. I'd put my money on the one with the lightsaber over the one with the broom any day. The only one who would get a bigger beating for showing up in the galaxy is the crew of Star Trek and we know what would happen to them.

- Brian, Cincinnati

Well, let's look at the actors behind these characters. Daniel Radcliffe (Harry Potter) has confidence that there will be sequels to his movie. On the other hand, Jake Lloyd (Anakin Skywalker) knows that the Star Wars prequels will go on without him, since he's too young to play a teen Anakin. Now, Jake must be pretty pissed, what with having to face a future sure to be filled with drugs and despair (what child star hasn't faced them?) while Daniel gets a few more years of stardom. Looks like Jake might have the RAGE(TM) on his side.

Anakin in 41 seconds.

- the Amazing Rando

Please. If we look at this critically, Harry will most definitely triumph.

Latent mystic abilities: Prior to training, Harry was able to make things teleport, remove them from existance, and regrow hair to overcome bad haircuts. Anakin had good reflexes. Oooh, reflexes.

Mandatory CGI creatures: Harry had Fluffy, a 20-foot-long, three headed dog, Norbert, a dragon that could breath fire before it was ten minutes old, a centaur, shapeshifters, and unicorns. Anakin had Jar-Jar Binks. No contest here.

Parental figures you must rebel against: Harry had a cousin who got wider than he was tall and an aunt and uncle who didn't even give him a proper bed. Anakin was a spoiled brat.

Schooling: Harry attends Hogwarts, the magical equivalent of Oxford or Cambrdige. (Don't believe they're good schools? Ask Mr. Hawking.) Anakin, again, had his mother, who is most likely a prostitute.

Money: Harry has enough gold to buy and sell Microsoft three times over and still make a profit. Anakin couldn't even buy a thermos.

Insults: Harry can call people 'muggles', 'mudbloods', 'gits', 'squibs', or just plain bastards. Anakin would probably faint after hearing the word 'pud'.

[There will be a brief pause in the response, as Shane has just fainted.]

Royalties factor: Harry Potter is predicted to be a bigger franchise than the entire Star Wars franchise. That INCLUDES toys, mugs, comics, spin-offs, backpacks, novels, box-office receipts, and props sold on e-bay. C'mon, how can Anakin beat someone he'll lose to?

Acting ability: Daniel Radcliffe is listed at the top of his most recent movie's casting list and will be in future movies. He also was in movies prior to Harry Potter. Jake Lloyd is listed at fourth place and the only stuff he's been in since are video games where his voice is needed.

Finally, Confidence in Masculinity: Harry is self-confident enough to wear a pointy hat and ride around on a broomstick. Anakin is so insecure he's hitting on girls before he's hit puberty.

Any more questions?

- Rainwoman

I'm sorry, guys, but I've got to go with Anakin on this one. If you just look at the pictures you've posted of the two boys I think you'll see why: even though Harry's skills are more developed than Anakin's, Harry is basically a pansy waiting to get whupped (you'll notice that Draco Malfoy is also a pansy waiting to get whupped-- that's why Harry can beat him so easily). By contrast, Anakin's a little thug just itching for a fight (don't believe all the nice things the older ladies say about him--he acts sweet so they won't notice when he deals spice to the other guttersnipes for pocket money).

I mean, if you look at Darth Vader later in life, it's obvious that he still wants to be seen as the long-suffering good guy even while he's squeezin' windpipes. Anakin has that deep-seated evil that make him think he's doing you a favor when he cuts you in half.

Finally, I've a strong suspicion that magic won't work on Tatooine if you're still relying on bastardized Latin for your incantations. Harry's going to need to learn some Huttese or Old Tusken before he gets that wand working properly again, I think.

And in the meantime, Anakin's going to be showing Harry all the things a wicked boy can do with a pair of hydro-spanners and jumper cables....

- Jumbo the Hutt

Postulate 1. Harry Potter is not omnipotent, otherwise he would be back home, instead of at the other end of the universe.

Postulate 2. Q (from Q vs. Emperor Palpatine) is omnipotent.

Pstulate 2.5. Emperor Palpatine is greater than Q (Precedent!)

Postulate 3. Anakin Skywalker is equal to Darth Vader.

Conclusion. Harry is less great than Q, who is in turn less great than Emperor Palpatine. Because Anakin Skywalker is equal to Darth Vader, and Darth Vader is greater than Emperor Palpatine, this means Anakin is grater than Emperor Palpatine. Therefore Anakin Skywalker will win.

- Tez

Okay, nice and simple this time:

Point 1 of 2: Both are small, annoying children with floppy hair. One grows up to be one of the most feared and respected Imperial Lords in history, making out and having twin babies with a queen. The other, as far as we know, hasn't yet grown up at all.

I know which one I don't want to p*ss off.

Point 2 of 2: At a recent Star Wars exhibition, my friend got down on his knees and bowed at the foot of the Darth Vader costume. With the youth of today go and show respect in front of a small boy with big glasses and a scar?

Not a chance.

- Si (Footballius Hooliganius)

OK, in 30 or 40 years, this would be a match, but as of now, little Ani's toast. Granted, both are novices at their fields, but Ani is just a little turd. This is the kid who was referred to as "Maniken Skywalker" due to his horrendous (and boy, do I mean horrendous) acting. Maybe if Lucas had been an intelligent man and hired Haley Joel Osment, Episode One would not have been marred by this poor 9-year-old saddled with lines for 20-year-olds.

This is the kid whose reaction to Natalie Portman is "Are you an angel?" Now this is a fine (and perfectly fact-based, if I may say so myself) line, but he delivers it as if he was talking to a mall Santa Claus.

This is the kid who says "Qui-Gon, sir, what exactly are midichlorians?" in a tone reserved for the legions of Jimmy's and Sally's that Mr. Wizard frequently makes science fodder out of. Hell, slap some curls on him and he's Shirley Temple.

In conclusion:
Old Ani (Darth Vader)- Really Badass, and thus the victor
Young Ani - Brainless and Saccharine, and thus the poor, luckless loser

It's time for Harry Potter to bring some Balance to the Force with Extreme Prejudice

- Tracer

Legend has it that Harry's body is still located in the concrete foundation of Jabba the Hutt's palace due to his failed interference in a pod race.

- They Might be Matt

Sure, Harry may be a wizard, but have you ever seen Star Wars: Episode I? Anakin can make whole audiences disappear.

- Spooner

The question here is not "will Skywalker beat Potter?" It's "what twisted experiment are Shane and Dave conducting on their loyal WWWF fans?"

I smell another Jaws/Flipper experimental match here gentlemen. Clearly, Potter versus nine year old Skywalker is a total mismatch. Potter knows how to work all kinds of magic spells, but Skywalker has had no formal Jedi training yet. Sure he's strong with the Force, and can see things before they happen, but that's a long way away from choking someone, or using a mind trick, or ripping something out of a person's hand. On a level playing field, 12 year old Harry beats 9 year old Anakin every day of the week and twice on Sunday.

But then again Dave and Shane, you knew that, didn't you? You've setup an obvious mismatch as some sort of sick, twisted experiment on us, your loyal fans. We've seen this before, with the aforementioned Jaws/Flipper match and with the Virtual Reality Simulator(tm), and those are just the two that we know about! What other tests and pseudo-scientific experiments have you run on us over the years? Since we, the test subjects, have not been informed that there is an experiment taking place, these tests are illegal! Grudge Match is just a giant laboratory for you, and we're the guinea pigs!

What's the object of this diabolical experiment? Well, if your track record is any indication, the answer lies in the commentary, which is clearly slanted towards Potter. In Jaws/Flipper, the commentary was slanted towards Flipper to see if the plucky dolphin would get more votes than the insatiable shark. In this case the commentary has been slanted towards Potter in order to see if anything (other than John McClane) can defeat the power of Star Wars in a Grudge Match.*

I for one was not fooled by this shameless and illegal experimentation, and voted for Skywalker as a way to throw a monkey wrench into your results. I am confident that my fellow fans have also seen through you and will vote accordingly. The match goes to Anakin.

*Note: I am aware that the Ewoks, C3PO and Leia have all been defeated in previous matches, but in those matches the "power of Star Wars"(tm) was not a factor: Ewoks and C3P0 do not posses the PoSW (much like Jar Jar), while the triple threat aspect of Leia's match negated it. Since the PoSW was not a factor in those matches, but is a factor in this one, I have discounted them.

- Michael Lyle

Anakin on this one, Dave. First of all, this is a race. That damn podracer of his is neat-o keen-o when it comes to intergalactic dragracing.

Second, Harry Potter is from England. Did you notice that, on all of the Star Wars movies, the English guy gets his ass kicked? All of the Imperial Nazis on the Death Star spoke with clear accents, and they all ended up as little specks of dust around Yavin.

Third, Harry Potter is the Anti-christ. His popularity is rising, and I have no doubt that his bid to be king of the world (with his wife, Leo deCraprio, by his side) is coming soon. Anakin is the chosen one (as he does defeat the Emperor and bring balance to the Force), and he must therefore complete his final challenge.

In conclusion, screw Wizardry. The Force rules over all, baby.

- Mr. Floppy - I hate that little turd, the one They call Potter. could you tell?

Being a big Star Wars fan, my first instinct was to vote for Anakin. But then I realized that he's not Darth Vader yet, so none of his Vaderness could be used in judging this contest.

With this in mind, I looked at the merits of both contestants. Harry Potter has some magical ability, and some magic items. Anakin Skywalker can only unconsciously use The Force for luck-boosting, but he has the technology advantage with his pod racer and any goodies he could make from stuff in Sebulba's shop.

They appear to be evenly matched, so it seems the deciding factor will be the boys' allies. Anakin has only Young Obi-Wan, since the Jedi Council was against Ani becoming a Jedi. Since he was played by Ewan McGregor, that means he can get back up from his friends from Trainspotting.

Harry Potter, on the other hand, shares his name with Colonel Sherman T. Potter of the MASH 4077. By Grudge Match logic, that must mean they're related. Naturally the old Colonel would be happy to help his young relative. Now Colonel Potter fought in WWII, which means he could on the help of his fellow veterans to give their aid. Fellow veterans such as Captain America and Nick Fury, which means The Avengers and SHIELD aren't far behind.

So in the end, Harry Potter gets his Golden Snitch back, with the help of The Earth's Mightiest Heroes. Anakin, meanwhile, is left bitter by his defeat, and his resentment becomes the first step on his path to the Dark Side.

- Acostus, Devourer of Threads

Did I just totally lose touch with reality, or did I accidentally click on the consolation bracket for the TOC? Talk among yourselves while I check the voting totals....... Star Wars is winning again! Damnit, Damnit! Damnit! Both commentators agree on the outcome and Star Wars is winning AGAIN! Don't get me wrong, I loved the original trilogy, but come on! Are we going to have to wait until a Rottweiler's weight in dead storm troopers and a fuzzball from Chewie beats the English Soccer Hooligans and NATO in a tag team match before something is done? Is a signed affidavit from an Actual Girl saying that you have at some point actually been on a date going to have to be a requirement to be allowed to vote on potential fanboy laden matches? I hereby volunteer to be a contestant in any future Grudge Match, because now I have The RAGE.

- Jhughes

What do Harry Potter fans do with their free time? Read books, hang out with friends, go see the Harry Potter movie a time or two-- normal stuff.

What do Star Wars fans do with their free time? Spend hours on the Internet, searching for anything to do with Star Wars and blindly supporting it.

I mean... Anakin Skywalker? Anakin "Yippee!" Skywalker?! I know Darth Vader. Darth Vader was one of the greatest villans of all time. And Yippee is no Darth Vader.

- Wakefire, who should spend less time on the Internet

So Potter has a stick that can create sparks that he thinks is magic. Big deal. So he has a broom that can fly through the powers of the Force. Yet again, big deal. His mind is bogged down by his own conventions and he'll never be able to utilize this power to its full potential. Whatever power he manages to exercise will be negated by the strength of Anakin's mind. Anakin was conceived by the Force. Was Harry conceived by "magic"? I think not, that stupid scar on his head notwithstanding.

If that doesn't convince you that Harry is out of his league, this should: notice that he is chasing a podracer on his broom. Is he insane? The mean speed of a podracer ("mean" here can be defined as either "average" or "vicious") is 600 km/h. And this isn't the Dune Sea we're talking about here: Anakin's track runs right through Beggar's Canyon! If Harry, by some miracle, manages to match Anakin's speed, he'll likely become a very close friend of some faceless canyon wall, as he doesn't have "reflexes of a Jedi". Tusken Raiders and Jawas will have his remains stripped in hours.

And even if, after the race, Anakin has pity on the poor little English wuss (no soccer hooligan, he) and returns the Golden Whatever The Heck That Thingamajigger Is, it'll already be too late. Tatooine is a very dangerous place. What do you think the local toughs will make of a prissy little fellow who galavants about town, showing off his powers and acting like a superior? I'll tell you what they'll make of him: dead meat! Harry may be able to turn Womp Rats yellow, but fat lot of good that'll do him when Jabba sends every thug in the vicinity after the troublemaker.

This is an uncaring universe Harry has entered: in his universe, people without magical powers are stupid, worthless and cruel. But on Tatooine, characters without connection to the Force can still kick butt (Boba Fett, anybody?).

Star Wars as a whole will no doubt be remembered as a cultural icon for generations. Harry Potter is being praised for "reviving literacy among young people", but that shows more what the readers are like than the books. Yes, Harry's movie has a record box office gross. But in five years when he's just another fad in the trash can, people will be wondering why he was even pitted against a Star Wars character.

And one more thing: Anakin rescued Jar-Jar, but not from any life- threatening situation. Qui-Gon, after all, was the one who saved him from certain death in the swamp, was saddled with a life-debt and was summarily killed within a week. Justice is swift indeed.

- Oxymoron (Cool Guy from Manitoba) - "Harry Pothead: The Sorceror's Stoned"

Personally I wouldn't give a wooden knut for Anakin's chances against Harry, and here's the main reason why:

Harry has The Clout(tm). This is a mythical force that powers him and is spurred on by the sales of over 10 million books worldwide that spur his success. Not only that, but think about it, he drew 25 000 fans to the SkyDome in Toronto to hear the author of his stories read! Now that's impressive. He has single-handedly revitalized the publishing industry and saved thousands of children from illiteracy.

Anakin has done what? Blown up a droid control ship and saved a planet? Big whoop. He's only done it once, and even then he got lucky by pushing the "Fire" button at the right time. Harry has defeated Voldem-sorry, You-Know-Who on four separate occasions, saving the world from his diabolical machinations by using his smarts and his training in the magical arts. Anakin did it through dumb luck. He even says "Oops" after he blows up the power core inside the droid ship (check it out, it's there!)

I think it would be fair to say that magecraft and wizardry out-do the Latent Force, and when you troika magecraft and wizardry with The Clout(tm), you have a nigh unstoppable force.

One "Accio Snitch" later, and Anakin goes for a dirtnap and Harry returns to Hogwarts to kick Malfoy's butt.

- Nik Furie, Defense against the Dark Arts Professor

Nobody, but nobody makes Darth Vader look like a pansy. It's in the Constitution, you know. In fact, I'll read the excerpt: "Article VI, Section XXII - under no circumstances will any Dark Lord of the Sith be portrayed as a whiny, wimpy little brat who would like to marry a hot chick twice his age." In fact, I believe it was the 1797 Supreme Court case of "Saunders v. Salisbury" that made it so. Episode I-era Anakin Skywalker is just plain un-American. Hey, while I'm at it, how about Article V, Section X - "Any and all crazy lizard men will be tried before the Senate to determine a public hanging." Man, I tell you, those American forefathers really had their finger on the pulse of America!

- Charge Man

Let's get to the point, folks.

Ani, 8, is looking at women, and obviouly is going to get the first chick he wants. (And rich, no less!!)

Harry, 11-ish (Forgive me, I'm only a spectator in this fad.), surrounded by girls, his age, all on an island, and not even a single creatively used Magic spell!

Satisfaction says the action, folks. The Slave takes the Mage.

- God I am so lonely.....

Despite the pitiful performance of that sappy commentator Shane, this battle is Anakin's. There are a couple of points which Shane failed to touch on, this obviously the work of the Dark Arts I have no doubt that Dave is engaged in. They are as follows:

1) Anakin is the only human who can pod race. There is a reason why Anakin is the only human who can race a pod. Anakin has unreal reaction times, due to the Force guiding his actions before he needs them. If Anakin is the only human who can race a pod, that means Harry Potter can not, which means he has never gone as fast as Anakin, which means he'll be choking when Anakin races down any nearby canyon or gorge.

2) Anakin can "see things before the happen." Come on Shane, midichlorians(tm)! His midichlorians are off the scale! Nothing Harry does will take Anakin off guard. Of course Anakin knows that Harry will try his spells. But as we all know, there is a distance limit on spells. Harry is toast.

3) Anakin is a slave at this point. If Harry, tries to mess with a slave, Jabba the Hut will lay the smack down(tm) on him.

So in this face off, I give it to Anakin by a mile... probably a lot farther than that.

- Sam Danger

You can't defend someone who saved Jar-Jar's life? I can.

Sure, the little bastard looks like a pathetic Macaulay Culkin wannabe now, but you can already see the seeds of hatred and anger and pure evil within this little boy. Of course he saved the poor idiot Gungan's life. It's all part of the plan. Think about it. What could Sebulba have possibly done to him? Nothing that Darth Vader wouldn't be able to do, only a million times worse. That's right; Young Anakin's saving Jar-Jar for himself. He knows that when he's a great big powerful Force-user, he and he alone will be able to deal with the gibbering moron properly. Oh, he'll get his, yes he will...

But to eventually get to the point where he's able to deal out the appropriate torture, he will have to get off this planet and get some training. And that means winning the podrace, and that means not letting Harry Potter get that Snitch. If he loses that race, he'll never get the chance to give Jar-Jar his rightful punishment. All Harry is motivated by is some stupid little sports event. There's always next game if he loses. But Anakin, Anakin is driven by the desire, nay, the basic human instinct to KILL JAR-JAR BINKS. And to quote Hammer, that's a beat (uh!) you can't touch. Harry is NOT getting that Snitch, and if he's not careful, he'll end up with Anakin shouting "Yippee!" over his nearly headless corpse.

- Infraggable Krunk

Thanks for clearing things up for me guys; before you did this match I thought Quidditch and Hogwarts were social diseases.

- Mr. Silverback- Sergeant-at-Arms for the Committe to Eliminate Gungan Slapstick.

For shame, Shane... hoodwinked by a simple remark...

A GOOD Grudgie Commentator would have replied in a way to make Harry seem even more evil (Yes, it's a tough shot, but there are ways to get around the 'Jar-Jar' shot).

And Dave, considering Shane's gullibility, that was a really LOW shot...

Yeesh, what's GM coming to?

- X-Dude

Seeing that I hate both parties involved, I move for "All picked off by Tusken Radiers who were camping out last night."

Hey, It's the only thing I could come up with. Sue Me.

- Bastard Lord Cobrafire

Since the kid who played Anakin was more wooden than Harry's broomstick, the little wizard kid has a lock on it.

- Bowie Hawkins


Harry: I ride a cool broomstick. You ride a piece of crap.
Anakin: I can speak English and Huttese. You talk a dork. And you sound like a girl.
Harry: At least I can GET a girl.
Anakin: Oooh, Britney Spears. Big deal...everybody's had her.
Harry: No, geek! That's the OTHER Harry...and it's his brother trying to bag Britney, not him.
Anakin: Yeah right, whatever gets you through the night, four- eyes.
Harry: Y'know, you really shouldn't be one to talk. At least I'm not dating Harley Quinn!
Anakin: What'd you call my woman?
Harry: You heard me -- CLOWN GIRL! She's so goofy-looking, she makes the Spice Girls ...look......normal...wh- what are you doing to me?
Anakin: Snapping your nerdy little neck in two...just like I did your idiot broomstick.

And so begins young Anakin's path to the Dark Side...and young Harry's path to the Other Side.

Rowling and Lucas, eat your hearts out. ;-)

- The Genius Formerly (and Still) Known as Eddie

No, no no... You've got this whole "defending Jar-Jar" thing backwards!! It says a whole lot about his incredible bad-ass ass- kicking powers (if not his wisdom or intelligence), that he takes the most despised character in the multiverses and says "he's under my protection!" I mean look at the Battle Droids. They took him prisoner rather than just shoot him on the spot, *because they didn't want to face the Wrath of Anakin*!!! That's why He'll win... he's just that cool!! Oh and his Podracer is like 100x faster than that broom could ever *dream* of going...

- Nobody

[While weighing the pros and cons of Skywalker and Potter, I realized that Anakin is the subject of a Weird Al Yankovic parody. Not wanting poor Harry to feel left out, I decided to help out by writing my own Potter parody using U2's Elevation. Here goes:]


Trapped in the cupboard
His uncle flipped his gourd
Needs someone to liberate him
Coming through the mail
Coming down like hail
Some posts, to Harry from Hogwarts

He's got no wand control
He's struggling like a foal
Trying to learn
Ride a broom, chase a goon,
As a Seeker he would really zoom!
Make room,

A hat,
Decides where Harry sat
Gryffindor is where it's at.
Maybe they'll win the big award

Explain how is Quiddich played
With four balls, but one evades
Harry wins with

That Ron,
Man, his game is "on."
Beat the troll in the john
Nasal slime evacuation
Wizard's chess? Ron is just the best
He just beat the dungeon test
But got
A Concussion

Good! Harry's gotten out of the bed
With scraps and bruises on his head
Hurt saving the school

A train,
Ticket to go home
Hagrid's sad 'cause he's alone
Engines drone
By the bye, Snape is a good guy
Even though he looks very sly
No lie!


- Mark Wentz

Hm... this is a tough choice... Jar-Jar lover vs. British. Hm... Let's check logic on this one.

Star Wars can't lose. While a modification of the Star Trek can't win philosophy, it doesn't quite stand up to the laws of logic. Given:

Star Trek can't win.
Star Wars always defeats Star Trek.

It is not proper logic to assume that since P is true and If Q then P is true, that Q must be true. If P is true, it makes the conditional completely true no matter the value of Q. Therefore, the idea that Star Wars can't lose does not hold up.

British Soccer Hooligans are tougher than the French Army. This has already been accepted as fact. Harry Potter has British in his blood. He's a Quidditch hooligan. That should automatically make him stronger than the French Army.

If two armies have the same tactics, they are probably of equal effectiveness. That one should be self-explanatory, the same tactic used by one army against an opponent will yield the same or better results if another army does the same thing.

Both the French Army and the Stormtroopers used the "surrender and/or die" tactic, and as such, are of equal effectiveness. It's true. The Stormtroopers are the Star Wars equivalent of the French Army, only in white plastic.

Darth Vader led the Stormtroopers. Even with his powers of the Force, the Stormtroopers sucked anus and he ended up biting the big one, all because of a soft spot for his kid. Kinda sad, in my opinion. You didn't see Patton throwing FDR over a railing cuz his son guilt-tripped him.

Anakin Skywalker is Darth Vader. Undisputed fact.

Harry Potter is British, Anakin Skywalker is the closest to French, therefore Anakin will lose. Because of his proximity to even being remotely French (while we're on that, isn't the new kid who's playing Anakin Canadian? That does it right there), Anakin Skywalker will never be able to rise above his reputation as "wimp," "loser," and even "limp-wristed frogboy." Harry Potter's hooliganism will reign supreme. Q.E.D.

- Boden-san, logically delicious

I don't know a whole lot about either opponent, so I'll rely on a nearly-forgotten Grudge Match Vocabulary Word(TM): Mentos-level coolness(TM). Anakin has a pod racer, and pod racing is as exciting as we wish car races could be. Harry rides a broom. It may be a magical, superpowerful broom, but it's still a broom. You just can't look cool sitting there on a broom. Mentos-level coolness saves the day for Anakin.

- The Kleptomaniac

Very simple really. Small child in racing pod, against small child on broomstick with MAGIC WAND:

*zoom* (Anakin)
*zoom* (Harry)
*fireball* (Harry)
*boom, crunch, splat* (Anakin)

Harry lands, collects weird golden ball thing, returns to Hogwarts, wins at Quidditch.

Anakin becomes a small greasy smear on the side of an exploded pod, apart from his left leg, which is picked up by a Jawa and sold as a toothpick to Jabba the Hutt.

Shame :)

- Ragnorak

Since this is a head-to-head competition, I'm going to negate all outside influences like friends, protectors, and enemies. I'm going with Anakin on this one.

So, stripped down to themselves, what have they got going for them?

Simply put, he's got the right stuff. Aside from being conceived by the Force, he's a genius pilot at near-supersonic speeds, and is a genius mechanic. As I'm a Mechanical Engineering major, I have to respect his skills. There are thousands of engineers who have spent lifetimes designing and building a mobile, interactive, bipedal humanoid droid. Anakin did it in his free time as a child. He built his own POD RACER with old junk parts that clearly has mad speed, better than that of his wealthier, sponsored competitors. He was able to make repairs to his pod while piloting his racer through twisting passages at six hundred miles per hour. Does Harry even know what makes his broom work? Forget the Force. Forget quirky friends and scary enemies. Anakin has mad engineering skills that modern man can only dream of.

To compare, Harry is a student of magic, and not a particularly good one. Hermione clearly puts his knowledge to shame, and he undoubtably gets breaks from his professors. Oh yeah, He's also good at Quidditch. When does the snitch move at six hundred miles per hour? If he tried to catch that, he'd get his hand torn off.

In spite of all his annoying "yippee's", his whining, and his saving Jar-Jar's life (he was just talking trash to Sebulba, give him a break), Anakin is an engineering genius, or in other words, a brilliant nerd. Harry is, essentially, a brave Quidditch jock. Nerds always beat jocks in competitions that actually matter.

- Hey, this during a Physics lab! Uh oh, here comes the TA!

Well, I think that they will both lose. I am incredibly Anti-Potter, and anyone who saves Jar-Jar intentionally deserves to die. Our good friend Darth Maul will be on the scene, and with a quick flick of the wrist, both our young lads will be double light saber stew. The end. Game over. There will be dancing and rejoicing in the streets.

- Oh Yeah, they both lose!!

A chase? Well, let's look at what the little pests are flying.

Face it, Anakin's pod racer is a piece of junk. All pod racers are pieces of junk; there's probably something in the league rules requiring them to be made out of discarded parts and scrap metal - which keeps the crash rate up around 98% and race attendance high. Those things are such lemons that anything will cause a high-speed smashup - inattentive steering, loose screws, shorts, sabotage, wind, potshots, bugs hitting the windshield, etc. If you stare at one too hard it'll probably fall apart from the strain.

So while Anakin has to use all The Force he can muster just to keep his racer from falling to bits, Harry's broom is so easy to use and reliable that the young Wizard is perfectly capable of working spells while flying. All Harry has to do is levitate or hex any random bit of the racer and - Anakin's sitting in a pile of scrap while Harry soars after the liberated snitch.

Harry in 30 seconds.

- Ellery Lake

I have to choose between voting for Anakin Skywalker and Harry Potter? Where's the 'Both Hit an Inconvenient Rock Formation and Splat' option?

- Kerai

To begin with: There is nothing wrong with meat OK! Don't make me get out my salami!

Now that that's over with, on to the commentary. Essentially this is not a battle between boys, but between movies. How to determine the end of the match you may ask. Fear not child, for I know the answer. Let's make a contrast between who the competitors can call upon for help.

Anakin: Has a lunchbox with wheels (R2-D2), a half-assembled cyborg, whose heterosexuallity is very questionable (What am I saying, he's gay damn it), Obi-Wan Kenobi and of course Qui-Gon. (The princess does not count, because her peculiar dresses and hairstyles would surely get stuck in air-intake for a podracer or something). Tons of Star Wars fan-boys that would commit suicide at this child's command, in other words throw themselves on Harry. I mean, what's the little guy gonna do against a bunch Jabba the Hutt doubles?

Harry: Ron Weasley, the name says it all. Hermione, a name that can't be pronounced. Dumbeldore, a frail, brittle stick facing a hurricane. The guy looks like he's gonna have five heart attacks at the same time and then die of both leprosy and liver cancer. Tons of rabid children, who could easily tear any opponent up with their braces. And last, but not least Prof. McGonagall. Wait a minute. Make that the least.

In the end the winner will be....... Jar-Jar Binks!!! That's right. After all the criticism that he has endured he'll surely snap and kill both Harry and Anakin, then ritually committing suicide. It would be a very great mercy to the masses of sane people.

- Bratwursts4ever

This is a high-performance pod-racer, not a Ford Tempo. You don't just leap into it and drive indefinitely, you need extensive preparation and well-equipped pit-stops, neither of which apply in this scenario. All Harry has to do is fly up to a high altitude and monitor Anakin until the kid's vehicle breaks down, then zoom in for a confrontation.

Assuming we aren't allowing cooperation, Potter must take this one for the simple fact that he has more training for his supertalents. The wizard attends Hogwarts, whereas the Jedi-to-be is a mechanic's assistant and pilot. I don't mean to insult trade-school graduates (partially because I don't fancy having my head beaten in with plungers), but machinist training does not qualify one for the front-lines. If this were a Ben-Hur-style pod-race requiring tight maneuvers (in which Harry couldn't simply fly above the obstacles) or the entrance exam for Meineke servicemen(and not just repeating "I'm not going to pay a lot for this muffler!"), the salvage-shop apprentice would take it, but the Hogwarts student is better educated for this straight-out fight. Stay in school, boys and girls.

- Matt Bricker

And naturally, everyone will get confused with Anakin yelling, "Wizard!" every five minutes...

- Peter Tutham "I love Star Wars and Harry so I can't say anything bad about either!" *Implodes*

Ok, this one's easy. Let's compare. Anakin Skywalker: grows up to be a Dark Lord. Harry Potter: has beaten a Dark Lord. Three times. Once while still in diapers. Not to mention the fact that he's faced magical beasties the likes of which Anakin has never seen!

So Anakin's been raised in slavery - Harry lived in a cupboard for ten years. With spiders! And now, every time life starts to look bright, some wiseass Dark Lord comes along and screws things up. There's got to be a lot of Rage (tm) there!

Simply put, the match will go like this. Harry casts a spell on Anakin's PodRacer, causing it to fall out of the sky and onto Jar-Jar Binks. Anakin hops out with his own homemade lightsaber and rushs at Harry, who laughs and say "Petrificus Totalus" which causes Anakin to fall over, frozen stiff. With a flick of his wand, the Snitch flies out of the machine and into his hand.

Harry Potter wins, hands down.

- Kate the Shrewd

Harry Potter vs. the kid from Jingle All the Way? Please, this fight is more lopsided than Britney Spears after her surgeon applied his handiwork.

- Kujan

Clearly this match is impossible for Anakin to win: if Harry doesn't get that snitch then he's stuck in the Star Wars galaxy, long long ago, for the rest of his life. This cannot happen, as J.K. Rowling is making far, far too much money to suddenly stop writing the books. However, if Harry does return home this will allow Mr. Lucas to make yet more ludicrously awful films and rake in the money. Clearly this benefits both multi-millionaires, and the way that benefits most rich people almost always prevails.

- Mark Taylor (

Can I just say that I really don't like you for putting two of the absolute worst pop culture icons in my head. I hope you suffer a really bad date and she orders the lobster......

- Milo Bllom

Harry Potter has some secret and not-so-secret weapons that blow baby Anakin outta the water:

1. The aforementioned lack of association to Jar-Jar (the devil) Binks.

2. Power. Baby Anakin may have the force coursing through his veins, but it hasn't manifested itself yet-- not to any useful degree anyhow.

3. Experience. What's baby Anakin done? At this point, he's still generally inexperienced. Although he has some powerful friends, they're way off in the stands. What can they do? Besides, other than belting out "yippee" a LOT, he hasn't done much of anything at this point-- let alone win, well... anything.

4. Maneuverability. Those pod-things looked darn cumbersome. They had about a gajillion parts that could fizzle out/fall off. All Harry needs is a broom. He can therefore fit through tunnels/crevaces and take shortcuts whereas Anakin can not.

5. Tragedy. Never underestimate the power of hardships in stories. The more oppressed individual generally prevails (in non-tragedies, anyways). Poor Harry was hated by nigh everyone until his 10th birthday and was treated absolutely horribly. Anakin, meanwhile, was a slave, true, but despite that, he was treated with a fair amount of occasional decency and he at least looked like he was fed and he had his mom for comfort. Harry had nuthin'. Not even a fey sounding droid held together by wires and duct tape.

6. Likeability. Nearly everyone I know thought li'l Anakin was annoying as all-get-out. I agree. I thoroughly enjoyed Harry Potter and thought the actor was MUCH less irritating.

7. Glasses. Junior Petite Anakin will become the scourge of Jedi everywhere, true, but right now, he's on the side o' angels. No true good guy would ever hit someone with glasses... not if they don't want a hiney woopin' in front of the Jedi masters, that is.

So, anyhoo, I see it panning out thusly: Harry helps Anakin out so that the race ends as quickly as possible. Anakin wins the race and promptly loses a hand or something. Harry snatches back the snitch and is taken back to Hogwart's in time to reveal that he'd caught the golden snitch and that the Quidditch match is over (since it can't end until the snitch is visibly caught) scoring another victory for Gryffindor. Draco Malfoy gets his though, thanks to a spell performed by Ron and Hermione, he's sent to live as Jar-Jar's personal servant for the next 5 months.

- Noel "Hufflepuff" Schornhorst


Let's just pray Michael Jackson doesn't catch wind of this match, shall we?

- my name is Kenny

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Jeannie v. Samantha
Calvin v. Bart
Other Star Wars based Grudge Matches

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Next Match: Parry! Dodge! Spin!
ETA: Monday, December 3rd, 2001

© 2001, Dragon Hamster Productions, LLC