World Wide Web Fights presents

WWWF Logo by Dan Willis

The Setting

East bound and down, loaded up and trucking, we're gonna do what they say can't be done... On a hot summer afternoon, Ponch & Jon see a black blur speeding through the West side of Los Angeles. It's the Bandit! He's transporting a car full of illegal tuna-safe dolphin from the beach to Las Vegas. He's got to make it there in two hours or the deal is off! Ponch and Jon must catch him before he reaches the state line. (They, unlike Buford T. Justice, realize they have no power outside of their jurisdiction.) Both parties have CB's and can call for back-up or help from other vehicles. Does justice prevail, or does the bad guy drive off into the sunset with Sally Field?

The Bandit, Burt Reynolds L.A. Freeway CHiPs, Ponch and Jon

The Bandit



The Commentary

STEVE: This match-up is certainly a tough one! Ponch and Jon are California's finest, and always seem to get their man in the end. Bandit on the other hand always seems to find the way out somehow (just like Kirk). However, I'm going to have to go with Bandit. Since the CHiPs boys are working under a time constraint, there will be inevitable problems. They always require at least an hour to catch the bad guy, a luxury they might not have in this scenario. Also, it'll be very easy for 'ol Burt to detain Ponch and Jon. All he has to do is swerve wildly on the Freeway. Cars behind him will lose control, and form a huge heaping pile of wreckage and carnage. Of course, Ponch and Jon will have to stop and rescue the trapped motorists. Then, just as they free the motorists, the whole pile goes up in a huge fireball. By this time, Burt is miles away, heading to Vegas with his payload, and he will still have time to stop off at an All-You-Can-Eat wedding chapel and get married to Sally.

BRIAN: I can't believe you fell for one of the oldest plots in television, Steve! Of course Bandit is going to cause a lot of trouble in L.A. (I doubt it will be as severe and sadistic as you suggest. Bandit is actually a very deep and caring guy.) And, of course, the CHiPs boys will have to stop and help. But that's early in the show. Was there ever a CHiPs episode where the bad guy didn't just barely get away from Ponch and Jon in the first 20 minutes? NO! Ponch & Jon have to have their own lives and the lives of others risked before their capturing of the Bandit in the end is theatrically complete. They have to get the rage/personal vendeta, otherwise there's no program! From watching CHiPS and Smokey & the Bandit I-VII, we know this has to come down to the wire, somewhere very, very close to the California/Nevada border.

Bandit will get a lead in L.A., but then he'll get cocky. Stop off at a truck stop. Get some lunch. Ponch & Jon will catch up.

Out in the desert, there aren't as many cars to create diversions. Out in the desert, there's nowhere to hide. Out in the desert, no one can hear you scream!!!

STEVE: Brian, maybe you can hear me scream this: WRONG! You're forgetting that the bad guys which Paunch & Jon catch are always repeat offenders. They hang around the area, and commit the same crime over and over. Of course they're going to get caught! Even the "Half" from Cop-and-a-Half could catch them. (Maybe that last comment was a bit low...) Once the CHiPs boys stop, they're never going to catch Bandit, as he'll be flying along at 100 MPH through the desert. And if, by some chance, they did manage to catch up to him, he'd be on the CB to his truckin' buddies:

Bandit: Breaker one-nine, this is Bandit, I got a few smokeys on my tail.

Trucker: No problem, Bandit. You can sit in the rockin' chair until the Nevada line.

Bandit: Ten-four good buddy!

Bandit then rides in complete safety until the Nevada state line. For those of you who don't know what the Rockin' Chair is, well, then I guess you're not quite as pathethic as I am. Watch that Bandit run!

BRIAN: First of all, Steve, you owe an apology to me, to Ponch, to Jon, to Michael Dorn (yes, that Michael Dorn - he was a semi-regular on CHiPs), and to law enforcement personnel everywhere for comparing the "Half" from "Cop and a Half" to the California Highway Patrol! Can "Half" run down speeding white Broncos? Does "Half" have the follow through on his billy club swing? I don't think so!

Anyway, sure the criminals in most of the old CHiPs shows were morons just asking to be caught. But who's the only guy that ever chased the Bandit? Buford T. Justice??!! Not exactly Wyatt Earp there! Don't even get me started on his nephew. Neither Ponch & Jon nor the Bandit have been pushed to the limit -- yet. In the deserts of southern California, the limits will be tested, and somebody will buckle. I say it's the Bandit.

Besides, considering the CHiPs are involved, all they have to do is get the Bandit to run off the road for a second. For wherever he does run off the road, there's going to be an abandoned green 1977 Pinto just waiting. BOOM!! End of story.

The Results

Bandit (531)


CHiPs (337)

The Bandit spends some time on The Vegas Strip (tm)

Elvis tombstone

The VR server is no more. After our computer crash, some of the source code was lost forever, and our computer science friends who programmed it have graduated now. We will surely miss this once integral part of WWWF Grudge Match. And while the vote totals for this match were not affected, most of the viewer responses were lost.

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Voter Comments

Our computer system took a major nose-dive last week, taking the Grudge Match with it.
The vote totals wre unaffected, but most of your responses were lost!
That's why this response file is so short. - Steve

Bandit will meet his contact, Takleberry, at the Blue Oyster Bar. Tak will slip Bandit a piece of papaer explaining where the canned dolphin can be found. Bandit slips out of the bar not quite unnoticed.

Having raised his eyes from his drink just in time (he was drowning the sorrows of his recent breakup with the Nanny), Ponch witnessed the exchange between Takleberry and Bandit. Realizing that something fishy was going on despite lacking any hard evidence, Ponch offers to pay for his bill. But the bartender, recognizing a cute cop when he sees one, refuses to accept Ponch's money; so Ponch buys a round for the house and tips his helmet to the bartender. After rousing John from a tequila coma, California's two finest highway patrolmen head out without any authorization from their superiors.

Just outside the La Brea tarpits, Ponch and John spot Bandit's vehicle and the game is afoot! Naturally, it's rush-hour and the freeways are blocked tighter than a frog's behind in water, but that matters not one bit, since Bandit is getting traffic guidance (and lecherous looks) from the Flying Nun. Ponch and John easily manuever through the traffic despite being on Harleys that are wider than most Honda Civics. The chase moves from the freeway to the LA sewer system, where two cyborgs are chasing each other in a fight for posession of a snot-nosed brat. In a geograpically impossible cut, the scene suddenly changes to Lombard Street in San Francisco: Ponch and John look like parallel slalom skiers while Bandit barrels through all the barricades and flower gardens.

Almost two hours have gone by and CHiPs are running out of time: the Nevada border is just over the horizon and Bandit looks to be making a clean getaway. All is not lost, a freak happenstance of nature has made the sun set in the east on this night and Ponch reveals his teeth with a winning smile. The reflection of the sun off Ponch's teeth is aimed at Bandit's gas tank. Bandit is unaware of the impending danger and dies in a greusome fireball mere yards from the Nevada border. It should be noted that the only surviving item in the vehicle was Burt's rug.

At the funeral, Loni Anderson is inconsolable - her Butie-wurtie is no more. She makes a vow during the eulogy that she will stay away from dangerous car-driving types. She elopes with Les Nessman on the way to Bandit's wake.


Well, the Bandit sets off and gains an early lead via the pileup on the freeway method (this is not brutal, it is a proven fact that no matter how horrendous the crashes are in S&TB movies, the worst injury is always a bit of a headache. They use the same vehicles as A-Team bad guys.) Ponch and Jon then get Michael Dorn to call his buddies on the Enterprise, but they start spouting the usual non-intervention Prime Directive crap, so that was a bit of wasted time for the lawboys. However, the Bandit has been sidetracked by some cute kid/animal and despite the huge rush, must stop and help. As the cops close in, Burt calls in his trucker pals for the grand finale chase accross the desert, along with the entire highway patrol. Just as everyone bar Burt, Ponch and Jon have crashed and are looking for the paracetamol, the State line is getting closer. On the line is Burt's old pal, Dom de Luise, who tells them the whole thing has been a candid camera stunt. All three forget their differences and attack Dom. In the ensuing fight, they go over the state line, so the Bandit gets away from Ponch and Jon. This is little consolation since all three are immediately arrested for murdering Dom.


I see this as a very close contest, not decided until the final minute when someone cracks a joke causing Ponch and John to smile reflecting the sun's rays directly into the bandits eyes. This will cause him to crash in a horrible sadistic way.


Let's face it: this one is too close to call. The Bandit went fast;
the Chipsters went fast. The Bandit flew off the end of ramps, the
Chipsters flew off the end of ramps. The Bandit had cheesy 70's
disco music; Chips had cheesy 70's disco music. The Bandit was a
dweeb; the Chipsters were dweebs.

I think this calls for a tie breaker. Here we use past WWWF
grudge matches to help calculate the tie-breaker:

[1] The Bandit (Burt Reynolds) is really bald. Lex Luthor is
    bald. Lex lost. [Chips +1]
[2] Paunch and John rode bikes. Pee-Wee Herman rode a bike. Pee-Wee
    lost. [Bandit +1]

[3] The Bandit's main squeeze, Sally Field, is also Forrest Gump's Mom.
    Forrest Gump won. [Bandit +1]

[4] The Bandit made it with both the Bionic Woman and Wonder Woman.
    The Chipsters never got that lucky. [Bandit +2]

[5] The Bandit made it with both Colonel Blake and Colonel Klink.
    The Chipsters never got that unlucky. [Bandit -2]

[6] The Bandit is an overweight, out of shape, bald man who can't act.
    William Shatner is an overweight, out of shape, bald man who
    can't act, but nonetheless commanded the Enterprise. The Enterprise 
    was clobbered by the Death Star.  [Chips +1]

[7] The Bandit (Burt Reynolds) starred in _Cop and a Half_ with 
    Gary Coleman - or was that Webster? Okay, forget that one. [Tie]

[8] The Chipsters wore mirrored sunglasses. The Terminator wore mirrored
    sunglasses. The Terminator kicked ass. [Chips +1]

Final Score: Chips +3,  Bandit +2

Chips win! Chips win! Chips win! Chips win!


You all are bootleg! I can't decide whether to scorn you forever or 
respect you for putting the Bandit on the Web before I did. I guess 
you'll get the respect. Be assured there will be a link to my homepage!

First off, The Bandit or Ponch... Puh-lease... 
2nd: Snowman vs. John Baker... Wild Turkey vs. White Bread. Let me just 
ask you. Which one "oughta be in Nashville"? I thought so...

3rd: Oscar credibility brings the Bandit down in the form of Frog's 
cinematic performances. (Making the score 2-1 Bandit...still close)

4th and final point that THRUSTS the Bandit to the lead...


If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

KITT v. Herbie
The 2nd Annual WWWF Road Rally
Men in Black v. Mork

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