World Wide Web Fights presents

WWWF logo by Aaron Lindgren

G2: Grudgement Day

The Scenario

A dark alley, fog rises up from the steamy sewers like a 4th grade science project. Bodies of street toughs and half ass criminals lay strewn about the gutters. The last remaining hooligan is lifted two feet off the ground by a pair of large black-gloved hands.

"Who... who are you?" he manages to stammer out as he looks at menacing black-robed figure clutching his dirty rags.

"I'm... BATMAN!" says the costumed freak. The man is once again dropped to the ground. He turns to run off when another pair of black gloved hands lifts him into the air.

"No... I'm BATMAN!!"

"What the hell?"

Suddenly a voice calls from the shadows, "Hey, get your hands off that civilian!"

The two boys in black look over at the figure emerging from the dark.

"Who are you?"

"I'm... BATMAN!"


"All three of you are imposters," yet a fourth voice calls from the alley. A man in a blue cap and grey tights walks into the scene. "I'm the original Bat-Man!"

"Holy Multiplicity Flashback!" shouts the hooligan and he bolts down the alley and as he escapes into the night, he can still hear the enraged voices coming from the darkness behind him...


"No, I'M BATMAN!!!"

"Oh, yeah, we'll see about that!!"

So compadres, which caped crusader crushes his cloned combatants and claims the crown of true defender of Gotham City?

George Clooney, Batman and Robin
Batman - George Clooney

Adam West, Batman
Batman - Adam West

Val Kilmer, Batman Forever
Batman - Val Kilmer

Michael Keaton, Batman
Batman - Michael Keaton

The Commentary

JOHN: John: I know what you're thinking. Where's my big-assed buddy Thinkmaster gonna lay down his chips on this fight? What manner of ritual humiliations is that bad boy gonna lay down on those three Thinkmaster-wannabes Golba, Wentz, and Some Dork? When is Thinkmaster gonna stop talking about himself in the third person?

Well, I mo tell you.

George Clooney is this week's pick.

Not because he got the medical skills to pay the bills from his time in the ER, and knows where to strike to maximum effect.
Not because his opponents are two geriatrics and a cokehead.
Not because he hangs with the coolest customers in Hollywood, like Spike Jonze, Ice Cube and Big Gay Al.
Not because he's been schooled in the Shaolin-esque art of taking pain from hanging around Rosanne Arnold-Epstein-Barr.

No, George wins because for two solid years, he hung with the original badass crue™, the Edna's Edibles Posse. That's right. George Clooney was on the Facts of Life with tha Natalie and tha Mrs. Garrett and he was ALL UP OVER THAT BEE-YOTCHAAH!

And if you don't understand that, you're part of the problem, not part of the solution. I'm out. Word to the Tootie™.

PAUL: Word to the Tootie, indeed. Just like your argument, it sounds like crap. Clearly, Adam West should trounce these three pretenders.

When it comes to fighting skills, the original Batman is better than all three combined. First off, Adam West has been exposed to two of the champions of hand-to-hand combat: Bruce "Kato" Lee ("Green Hornet" crossovers) and the indestructible Three Stooges (the movie "The Outlaws Is Coming"). Surely, he has learned from the masters of melee. Second and more importantly, he has the power of KAPOW ZONK™, the ultimate crimefighting combat style that allows the user to bludgeon evil-doers (such as these three imposters) with gaudy special effects, rendering them unconscious for police pickup. Unlike these other three wimps that need machine guns and abs-enhancing body armor, Adam West goes out and kicks butt with his bare hands like a man.

And not only does Adam have the superior fighting skills, he also has the better mental attitude. In episode 113, Nora Clavicle has Batman, Robin and Batgirl tied in a suffocating human knot. But instead of letting the sweaty bodily contact in his nether region from either of his attractive, skin-tight outfit wearing partners (pick your subtext) get the best of him, he shows no break in concentration and escapes by wiggling his ears. Catwoman wants to jump his bones and he still arrests her. Meanwhile, Keaton is running around trying to pet Catwoman's, um, tail and Kilmer and Clooney keep pointing out that "chicks dig the car." No focus whatsoever.

Adam West dispatches these losers and is home in time to eat some of Aunt Harriet's homemade pie.

MARK: Big asses and referring to programs episodes by their production number? Sounds like the ol' WWWF is disproving the notion we're just a bunch of stereotypical computer-geeks.

Back to the match, though. Clearly, Val Kilmer will whoop some bat ass. Here's how his competition stands:

Adam West: Fighting crime in Under-roos takes some guts, but those guts are easily exposed by his flimsy attire.
Michael Keaton: Due to a clause in my marital contract, I am not allowed to say anything negative about penguins. Since penguins must be good and Keaton beat The Penguin, Keaton = bad. The bad guy never wins in Batman.
George Clooney: Ah, Rosemary's Baby nephew. He had to be thinking "I play a title role in this movie and ARNOLD gets $1,000,000 per minute?" Self-esteem has got to be low.

Val Kilmer, on the other hand, played a swell Batman. First off, Kilmer's Bruce Wayne installed profit sharing in his company. Certainly the employees (other than psychopaths like Jim Carrey) will appreciate this and a happy employee is a productive employee. Val's employees will "team effort" him to victory.

Also, Val Kilmer's Batman suit had nipples on it. I foresee a couple eyes poked out by them.

In other movies, Val Kilmer has played powerhouses Doc Holiday, Billy the Kid, and the Iceman. Heck, he even played God AND Moses in the same flick! Top that with Clooney's Dr. Doug Ross, Keaton's Mr. Mom, and West's "as himself."

Without a doubt, the dude who played Jim Morrison will close the Doors on his competitors!

JOE: I have to admit, this is absolutely amazing. Three of the top panelists we have here at Ground Zero and not one argument worth my time.

Here is why Michael Keaton is a shoo-in:

a) He got laid. No other Batmen did. Looking at the previous observations by the panelists we see that George Clooney is associated with Tootie and Roseanne Barr, Adam West with Aunt Harriet and Val Kilmer with his nipple suit. Keaton on the other hand got both Michelle Pfieffer AND Kim Basinger in the sack! Looks like this fight is between three Bat-boys and only one Batman.

b) Adam West played Batman. Michael Keaton Batman. George Clooney and Val Kilmer, on the other hand, did not play Batman. They looked at the first two movies and tried their darndest to play.....Michael Keaton. Yup, they didn't even TRY to be Batman, they just tried to be as cool as Keaton. Therefore, its just down to Adam and Michael and since Adam West only gets out of the old-folks home with his costume if the nurse forgets his morphine for the day. Keaton is going to wipe the floor with him. The bullet proof suit will make sure Keaton takes no damage and one hit will kill West. Why? because Adam has never been hit before. Sure, he got KABONGed a couple times, but he didn't REALLY get hit. MK is going to send that boy to the grave with one black boot to the head.

I would now like to take a moment of silence for John, who has apparently anti-Michael Jackson'ed (TM) himself and become black. Today we have lost another brilliant white guy to the depths of hip-hop-dom. It sort of reminds me of Vanilla Ice, except without the cool hair cut.

Thanks to the large number of people who have suggested a matchup of Batmen.

The Results

Michael Keaton Batman (690 - 56.2%)

beats the guano out of

Adam West Batman (344 - 28.0%)


Val Kilmer Batman (129 - 10.5%)


George Clooney Batman (65 - 5.3%)

Current Match | Related & Similar Matches
History Section | Tell a friend about this match

Voter Comments


Gold Grudgie

The reasons why Keaton will sweep the contest include, but are not limited to:

Now what about a good catwoman fight?

- Hmmm... Christopher Reeve's wheelchair vs. Adam West's walker?

ROTW ™ Silver Medal Grudgie ™

Silver Grudgie

In this battle of the Batmen, Clooney will be the first one down. Due to a lifetime of head bobbing, combined with a terminal Smug Grin (TM), his head is due to go flying off aproximately 4.5 seconds into the match.

Next will be Kilmer. While he might have some expertise, he will immediately be given a fatal blow to the skull by Leslie Nielson, Who's bitter about Val having gotten the lead role in the Zucker-Abrahams-Zucker comedy Top Secret. Les has had the RAGE ever since Mr. Magoo.

This will leave Keaton and West. West will have the first blow, which, naturally, goes flying two feet away from Keaton's face. Mike will only have a second to ponder this, however, before he feels a spiky bubble reading "*BAFF*" driven into the base of his skull. All hail Adam West, the Beer-Bellied Crusader of Darkness!

- Vermin Boy

ROTW ™ Bronze Medal Grudgie ™

Bronze Grudgie

Adam West was Batman when I was a kid. To me, he was just a guy, although a very nice guy, running around in his underwear.

Later on, after I became an adult, I found out that while he was making the series, he nailed the incredible Julie Newmar aka The Catwoman, among many many other actresses and assorted camp followers.

Today, he's my hero.

- Ogre

The "We Can't Argue With That Conclusion" Award

Batman - Bruce Wayne

- martinl

Then who the hell is Bruce Wayne? - Eds.

I did the commentary for this fight on the CBUB site. I know this was only a mistake, but can you guys put a disclaimer?

- Charge Man

There were a number of individuals that pointed out this match was also on CBUB. Let me explain our policy on this. We prefer NOT to remake matches that CBUB has already done. However, there are circumstances in which we may remake one of their matches. The main reason would be that the match is so good and so obvious (like this one) that we cannot in good conscience ignore it. There are a handful that we have on the master list that will be done in the future. However, when possible, we will attempt to make the matches as different as possible. <EGG ON FACE>If I had noticed that CBUB had done the EXACT same match (which unfortunately no one noticed beforehand), we would have done some different variation.</EGG> - Paul

West fought crime in a set of long underwear. The others needed armor. Why? because they were insecure and needed that armor to keep from falling to pieces under the stress of the job. What does it take to fight crime in your underwear however? I'll tell you.

Balls. Big Brass Balls. That he can throw at the others. This will send Kilmer and Clooney running in terror from remembered bad (very bad) incidents in the high school locker room.

This leaves West and Keaton. This is more of a match-up.

This is more of an allegory for light vs. dark. Keaton played Batman very dark. The way it should be. West was more light. He talked to kids, helped old ladies, and danced, yes, DANCED! He was a gentleman. Not bad, just different. This is where it gets hard to choose. I can't choose. The last two Batmen join forces to really kick ass. Keaton provides the terror to criminals, West provides the kindness to the civilians.

First on their list to die is Shoemaker, and they reinstall Burton as the true Batman director.

- BOB- Slayer of the Wild Spams

Can I go back and vote for Joe Clark on this one?

- Kilgore Trout

This is very, very simple.

Michael Keaton is the only one of these competitors to not have a Robin tagging along at his heels. That's right. No Robin, the Boy Hostage for Keaton, constantly getting in the way and causing trouble. Yeah, Robin's usually a fairly good fighter in his own right, but the bizarre relationship between him and Batman usually results in some dramatic tension at the most inappropriate moment possible. While all three other Batmen are arguing about something with their Robins ("I'm not just a boy! I'm your partner!" "No, Robin! It's far too dangerous. I'm leaving you behind." "But... but... I love you!"), Keaton can catch his breath, grab a mocha, get in his badass Batmobile and use the machine guns...

- Thomas Wilde

West wins due to his supply of "Bat-Batman-Repellent" in his utility belt. The man is prepared.

- Marc Moskowitz

The Adam West Batman will easily take care of the other Batmen because he not only has beaten most of the villains the other three Batmen have faced, but he also has the secret weapon no other Batman has: THE ACTION WORDS HE USES WHENEVER HE FIGHTS VILLAIN.

These single words inform people that the hit had power to it. Plus, that's one of the main reasons why Batman is such a hot character in the Silver Age of Comics.

As a result, the other three Batmen will be laying on the ground as Adam West and Burt Ward get down to psycadelic 1960's music with the girls who run into the scene at the end of the fight.

- Joe Klemm

Dear Sirs,

i shall refrain from my usual silliness to point out the key to unravelling this mystery. Michael Keaton is the true Batman, because only he came close to the role. In the comics, Batman was insane. He HURT people. He toed the line. He dangled punks from strings, and no one could tell when he would snap. Only Keaton has come close to conveying that quiet madness that so plagued the Bat. Besides, you named this match "Holy Multiplicity"... in the movie Multiplicity, there was more than one Michael Keaton. so he has the other so-called Batmen outnumbered in this fight, anyway.

Okay, so i used SOME silliness.

On my final point, only Michael Keaton had the balls to face off against the Joker, as portrayed by Jack Nicholson, undoubtedly the finest actor to don the role, and he had the sense to get out of the movie franchise after Batman Returns, before the whole thing just went straight to Over-done Movie Sequel Hell.

- ~the Stranger

I'm sorry. Despite my acidic wit and unparalleled smarts, I am still a girl. George Clooney is definately the cutest. Also my boyfriend's name is George.......

Beauty may be only skin deep, but that's deep enough to win my vote.

- Now the two ROBINS, that would be hard.....

The Adam West Batman wins for several good reasons:

1.) Adam West Batman is from the 60's and 70's. That means he's retro. Retro is cool nowadays. Any Austin Powers line-spewing freak of nature can tell you that.

2.) Sure, he's old. But just because he's old doesn't mean he can't beat people down. I call your attention to all the old masters in Kung-Fu movies, they always know how to do cool stuff like break boards and levitate, and make their arms glow with electicity. Merely being in close proximity to Bruce Lee makes Adam West a Bad Mofo. Yoda, like Adam West, is an old master, and anyone even within one billionth of an inch close to being related to Star Wars wins any Internet Altercation. How else could Boba "twenty minute cameo" Fett defeat The Predator? That STILL pisses me off. *deep breathing* Anyway...

3.) Whoever that guy was who played Robin in the old BatMan show is easily superior to Val and George's Robin: Chris "Bastard son of Rosie" O' Donnel. There is also the factor of Robin's unneccessarily small green tights to consider. Anyone with the nerve to wear those when he's going up against a bad ass like Burges Meridith has got his stuff together.

Adam West wins when Robin distracts George Clooney with his "perpetual wedgie" power, leaving Adam West an opening to open a can of "BIFF! POW! ZOWIE!" ass all over Val and Mike.

- The Black Goat

Michael Keaton is CRAZY(TM) -- and this is the crux of the matter. Batman, as a concept, is not about toys, web belts, or cars. It is about a DARK knight -- a guy who is imbalanced, obsessed with the rage of revenge, and literally two steps from the loony bin. The only way he holds it all together is to bash criminal heads in a cathartic release of his inner turmoil. Or, in other words, he's CRAZY(TM). Now, I ask you: is George Clooney crazy? No -- he's the model of sanity (getting paid millions of dollars to romance beautiful women seems like the actions of a sane man). Val Kilmer? Crazy? Forget it. He was known as "Iceman" -- that is a self- contained person, not somebody prone to explosive rage. And West ... well, I'll admit he is perhaps addled and senile -- but who is afraid that a senior citizen will crack and knock the tar out of you? Nobody I know. But, Keaton ... now he's CRAZY.

- LTDan

Kilmer, Clooney, and Keaton look at each other, then at Adam West. Howls of laughter ensue. They break into the "Bat-cha-cha" and start laughing even harder. They stop laughing as three bullets gently spread the contents of their heads over the sidewalk. Samuel L. Jackson, John Travolta, and Quentin Terantino step out from the shadows holding smoking guns. "I don't know why the villians never just shot them. . ." quips Jackson. "Yeah, but we F@#$in' showed those lousy F@#$in' motherF@#$ers. F@#$ 'em!" adds Quentin. Travolta pulls Adam West to the side. "Sorry it took us so long. By the way, thanks for teaching me that dance -- it sure spiced up the movie."

(Cue Pulp Fiction music. Travolta gets his Pulp Fiction thing on as West breaks into the Bat-cha-cha.)

- Albatross

Ooooookay. Which of the four actually killed a villain? No, not accidentally. As in launched missiles at him. Pulled him off of his helicopter and several stories down to be embedded in the ground.

That's right. Keaton did.

Keaton will kick the asses of each and every other batman so fast Catwoman will be drooling over him like a fresh dead mouse. Keaton has armor that actually protects him. He has a batmobile that is armed with impenetrable armor, machine guns, an escape pod and plastic explosives. He has a bat-wing that has surface to ground missiles, heavy weaponry, and supersonic speeds. He has a complete disregard for his own safety. He has gadgets that makes Q drool.

Keaton is the only one who comes close to the comic-book Batman. And that Batman kicked Superman's ass.

Here's what happens:

First thing that happens is all the batmen gang up on him, as he snarls at each of them. They try to pound on him, until he gets mad.

With one swift punch, he breaks Clooney's neck.

Kilmer pisses himself and screams for mommy, running and getting run over by the Batmobile, on remote control.

Keaton takes out the bat grapple and shoots West through the stomach, tossing him off a building and hanging him as a sign to Schumacher. A sign that he's next. He then climbs into his batmobile, running over Clooney a couple of times, and heads to Hollywood, to end his humiliation, once and for all......

- Someone with far, far too much free time.

As much as I love Keaton, he can't be the real Batman. He did the unthinkable. HE KILLED OFF THE FREAKIN' JOKER IN THE FIRST MOVIE!!!!! He compromised his own "never kill" standard, because he was mad that Mr J killed his parents. For that, he deserves to rot in Hell. (Whew, is that a load off my chest) But I digress. Val is the best because A. He made the best Bruce Wayne and B. He took on Jim Carrey and Tommy Lee Jones, who played the Riddler and Two-Face, arguably the deadliest team in any of the movies.

However, my vote goes to the "All mangled and killed" button. None of them can ever be accurate from the comic book. In my humble opinion, Bane should come and break all their backs. (what a weak fool they made him out to be in Batman and Robin...) <weeps bitterly>

- Bri Rob the Caveman

Not only did Keaton get Pfieffer and Basinger in the sack, but the dude faced off against the Joker and won. Keaton took down Jack! West, well, not even he took his show seriously. Kilmer faced off against Jim Carey (ohh. My pet goldfish can take him down, and I flushed her ten years ago) and Tommy Lee Jones. Now I personally wouldn't want to face against Mr. Jones, but I would rather take him on than even look at Jack. As for Clooney? He faced off against Arnold, I think. I mean, there was a person under that suit? As for the lady, oh yeah. Uma Thurman. Well, she did a better job in The Avengers (sad, isn't it?).

- Peter Smith

'No, I'm Batman, errr.. Spartacus'
'No, I'm Spartacus'

So they all will be crucified (probably by Marshal Law). Michael Keaton wins because he is the coolest and is crucified last.

- Valium

Adam West.

Never underestimate the power of Cheese.

- The Kung Fu Cellist

The reason why Keaton will win is simple. He's the only Batman who didn't have Robin, the original lame-ass sidekick. So he doesn't have to spend time explaining how the phosphorus is going to lead him to Joker or comforting him on the death of his circus family or, for the love of God, pulling him off Alicia Silverstone. He can concentrate on kicking some bad-guy ass and, occasionally, kicking some Robert Wuhl ass. Keaton wins in 2:20.

- Loss Leader

P.S. 2:20, 2:21, whatever it takes.


West is gonna take this one. Why? Well I've never actually seen any of the Batman MOVIES, so we'll have to take this in an alternate context, like...songs, for instance.

Keaton, Kilmer and Clooney are all serious. And dark. For songs, we could pick any of a multitude of dark, serious, "Take me back please" songs (Not that that is the real theme of this match. But the concept has been done so many times that it basically fits the multiplicity theme that IS this match). But let's take 3 Backstreet Boys songs, for the sake of the argument. As Long as you Love Me, Quit Playin' Games with my Heart, and I Want it that Way (Being in high school explains how I know the titles of these songs, I hope).

West, on the other hand, was a more comical Batman. Songwise, there is one song that IS the definition of comical, i.e. doesn't take itself too seriously. THE TREES!! This song is a Rush classic, and Peart originally wrote it as a cartoon. The original Batman was, likewise, essentially a live-action cartoon. As any halfway visitor to this site will tell you, Rush songs (Even the BAD ones, such as "The Speed of Love") kick the crap out of BSB songs any day. West in 4:42.

- Dark Fact

Adam West in a minute. Why? Because he's the only one that can turn his head sideways.

- Ian

I'll go with Clooney Batman.

Clooney batman has the rage where all others don't. He has rage against... BATS!

Clooney, as any one may remeber, played Seth, one of the only two characters to survive the terrors of the mexican tmeple/titty twister bar in rodrigeuz From Dusk Till Dawn, and not through the age old horro movie cliche of being a young female virgin. He was the obligatory 'cool headed hard guy'. Bats freakin killed his brother! (Well, Salema Hayek anyway, but there all vampires forchrisakes!)

Anyway, the battle will end quickly as Clooney Batman falls into a red mist rage and charges them all with his pneumatic stake gun, and then runs screaming off into the night.

Conversley, I should imagine that the moment he see's himself in the mirror, he will suffer some sort of Star Trek TNG style paradox resulting in self decapitation.

- Seb Rabit

Puuuuhhllease! Val Kilmer played the best Batman. Adam West has aged like a melting rubber Batman action figure and was never really believable to begin with. Michael Keaton will never live down his Mr. Mom days which proves that he's only capable of battling the vicious vacuum cleaner. George Clooney may have the looks, but he couldn't utter a non-monotone line if he tried. Trust me, I loved him as Dr. Ross, but his movie acting has really smelled like guano! Val's got the body, the looks and the acting the great Batman voice. Val wins -- hands (or batwings) down.

- Chucklin' Charlie Brown and Snoopy too!

Although I voted for Michael Keaton (indubitably the coolest of the four competitors), all four of them will ultimately get reduced to Bat-flavored Baco-bits (TM) by the One True (TM) Bad-ass Batman: Frank Miller's Dark Knight.

After Keaton disposes of the other three (Kilmer and Clooney by shaming them with their sexual inadequacy, and West, well, he's "fallen and he can't get up"), a rumbling is heard from the entry to the alley. Keaton whirls, or tries to, since that ridiculous armored suit makes him completely inflexible. As he finally completes his turn, he sees a giant, treaded monstrosity with a pair of glass-eyed lenses pointed down at him. The monstrosity rolls into the alleyway, casually taking out the walls of the adjoining buildings. Slowly, it advances. Slowly, Keaton retreats. Step by step, inch by inch, they move down the blind alley towards the inevitable conclusion of this melodrama.

Keaton calls for his own "Batmobile" on his trusty radio; unfortunately, all frequencies are being jammed. He tries to use his Batarang to escape, but the line is cut by a scything blade which shoots out from the massive mobile mechanical monstrosity. He looks to the left, he looks to the right, but there's no help, nothing to save him.

Another appendage detaches from the tank, extending towards him. Keaton begins to shiver in his Bat-suit. The appendage zooms in close, nose-to-nose with the would-be Darknight Detective.

"Boo!" pipes an adolescent girl's voice. Keaton faints, and his latex costume is filled with a warm, pungent liquid.

"What a pud," Robin chuckles merrily to herself as the Batmobile rumbles away.

- Bozo the Clone

Four Batmans would seem like enough, BUT IT ISN'T! The one Batman that can take all four of these wimps and still have enough left to take on the Joker, Penguin, Two-Face, Catwoman, and Riddler is the one from the cartoon series The New Adventures of Batman.< p> He is cool, calm, collected, and ready to kick butt. He knows how to get rid of bombs (unlike West), he doesn't try to impress his opponents with his wit (unlike Clooney), he portrays Bruce Wayne as a different person and not just Batman without a cape (unlike Kilmer), and he is able to defeat his female opponents without hitting them (unlike Keaton).

Now, don't even get me started on the Batman beyond, with the suit that gives superstrenght, flies, goes invisible, and can track infrared.

This is one case where the cartoon is just too much for the live actions to handle.

- Corfy

Among his other notable qualities Batman is supposed to be an awesome acrobat and a fearsome fighter. Let's look at the candidates:

West couldn't move without hitting bystanders with his gut. Keaton couldn't turn his head without moving his entire torso. Clooney couldn't get dressed without a butt close-up.

Kilmer beat up a gang of clowns and circus freaks and yet he's the only one I can take seriously.

- --John Hunter

Adam West will take this one and the reasons are:

1. Originals are best (9 of 10 times)
2. Two any one who down a villain with words without really throwing a single punch can certainly take any of the others out no prob.
3. Only West had any gadget he needed right in his belt.
4. Finally West had the smarts to defeat any villain in 47 minutes where as the others needed two+ hours to the deed.

And that thus the rest shall lie like dust, so it is written so it shall be done.

- Raven Cobriety.

How can a nipple suit be a plus!?! Joel Schumakers idiotic design makes both Clooney an Kilmer more vulenerable. I mean West and Keaton's just gonna pull out the ol' Bat-plyers. Now with two Dark Knights left, it's time for the back up. West is just gonna pull out Burt Ward, the one TRUE Robin. Now, I'm not saying West can't do this on his own, I mean did you see that Johnny Bravo episode where they had to find Johnnys momma. But Burt needs some action cuz I guess he's tired of using the Bat-Razor to shave his legs.

Hence there is a two on one.

Now, Ward and West also have another advantage, sound. Whenever they land a punch, a huge sound will knock out there foe if a hit doesn't. And if it's Mentos-level coolness you're after, Duh-nuh-nah-nuh-nah-BATMAN. Plus! West and Ward were on Scooby Doo. With NO Scrappy, now there's you're winner.

Keaton will walk in shame with his loose-nippled peers while West and Ward will do a duah-nuh-nah-nuh-Scooooby-roooby-Doooooooooo.

- Teflon (Shaggy's a saucy name, innit'?) Billy

Oh the depths to which our society has sunk. A sad day has come my friends, yes indeed a sad day. The birds no longer twitter in the trees,Skunks no longer procreate in compost heaps, and the choice of the real batman is reduced to a choice of four giants of moderen filimiagrophoy who using there supposed "bat detictive skills" couldnt find their ample asses with a topographic map.

Lets Face it, we are dealing with four complete and total Nancy boys here. None are eaven worthy to hold the vaulted cloke of the dark night.

Let us then resume the fight as it really happnes.. The four caped wannabies quickly degrade from simple name calling into comparing their reletive pay scales.

george- well i made more then all o you

west- shut up boy and go play doctor with sombody, everyone knows that the classic batman, me shall triumph despite the lesser pay scale.

Val- I'M BLIND I'M BLIND, unnn wait this is the wrong movie, where am I

Keton- Shut up all of you, I may not have made as much as doctor boy, or the blind wonder over there, but at least I scored with michelle Phipher in black leather.

West- You scored with a women? I thought that was what robin was for.

Robin- Hey, I resent that

The argument progresses then a voice speaks from the shadows. "I hate to break up your party boys, but wayne enterprises pulled in over 10 mill last year easy, I made more then all of you."

The four combatants fall silent and huddle together like frightened kittens. Then with the speed of a striking snake, the real batman Bruce wayne, straight outta the pages of dc comics swoops in. POW, BIFF ZOWIE SMEG SMACH

One week later, at the gothem city hall Adoring crouds throw flowers at the new batman memoral, which captures the moment where Batman turmed adam, george , michael, and val into little piles of red goo. the inscription reads


The morel of this story, dont put comic books on film

- Ira

I'll vote for anyone but Adam West... why? The pictures given of Kilmer, Keaton and Clooney don't show their chests. The horror.

- Charge Man

First of all, let's see who the various Batmen archetypes were based on...

Adam West- The dark times in the 50's/60's, where Batman fought space aliens instead of thugs like the Joker (true!)

Micheal Keaton- Tim Burton, realizing the reason that superhero movies usually suck, drew the inpiration for this Batman from the Dark Knight Returns. Now, in this comic, Batman converts HUNDREDS of gang members into his own followers, cripples the Joker, and kicks Superman's ass in a one-on-one fight.

Val Kilmer- A "lighter, friendlier Batman," that was a direct opposite to the comic books of the time, which were making Batman more and more of a out-of-touch psychopath.

George Clooney- The less said about the homoerotic overtones that the director puit in here (as well as the crappy jokes), the better.

The way I see it, West, not used to fights NOT using "BAM", "POW," and the almighty "BIFF," will quickly be trashed, not used to well- choreographed, brutal looking fight scenes. Immediately after, Kilmer and Keaton will come to a temporary truce, teaming up to kill the Clooney Batman, to kill him as quickly as possible, before he starts making sanity-destroying bad jokes.

Squaring off, it seems like Keaton has the advantage. He's got the brains, the brutality, and the power of Tim Burton on his side.

But wait! He didn't factor on one thing... Kilmer didn't fight alone.

As they prepare to enter final combat, Kilmer signals his partner, Robin, to activate the giant military laser that he and Batman's geek buds from "Real Genius" made.And Poof! Keaton's smoke.

This just goes to show, that super-lasers and allies beat coolness and dirty fighting any day.

- Shadowknight

Here is how the com-Bat-ants rate:

Adam West: True, he was the first television Batman, but now he is old and washed up. Back in the days when he did play the caped crusader, his portrayal of the character and his relations with Robin were so campy that they served as the inspiration of "Ace & Gary - The Ambiguously Gay Duo" as well as "Fudgeman" the questionable superhero parody created by Doug "Greaseman" Tracht. This, coupled with his lack of armor and his inability to really inflict violence will doom him to defeat. He will most likely either run away or fall and break a hip.

George Clooney: His performance as the Dark Knight has been considered by many critics to be the worst. He is such a conceited ass that he still believes that he can make it in a movie career. Unfortunately for us movie viewers, he manages to delude studio executives into believing this also. On top of being to acting what Ed Wood Jr. was to movie directing, Clooney was very soundly defeated in his previous appearance in a WWWF-sanctioned bout ("ER" v. "MASH"). Plus, I feel that any guy who is hostile to babes like Mary Hart, Julie Moran, and Jann Carl, is a hundred pounds of bricks shy of a full load. If Clooney could use the stench of his film career as a weapon or crush the competitors with his massive ego, he might win. But he can't and this Bat-loser will be in need of "ER"'s services.

Val Kilmer: Not being to familiar with his body of work, I took a look in the Internet Movie Database. According to it, he did a number of films of various types. This alone would allow him to defeat West and Clooney. The over-the-top nature of his armor design, while raising some questions about him, shouldn't impair the match too much. But, the fact that none of his performances in his career are truly Oscar-worthy means that he will be defeated by...

Michael Keaton: In terms of acting skill, there is no contest here. Keaton will win. His skills were good enough to get him two Oscars and nominated for (but cheated out of) two others ("Apollo 13" and "Saving Private Ryan"). In "Apollo 13", he helps bring a crippled spacecraft and its crew safely back to Earth and in "Saving Private Ryan", he played a soldier who fought in the worst of the D-Day landing sites and later trekked across German-occupied France in his search for Private Ryan. This man plays heroes. Even in "Forrest Gump", he had to triumph against stupidity. His acting skill and flair for playing heroes will enable Keaton to wipe the alley with the Bat-wannabes.

- The Demented Astronomer

We think you have Michael Keaton confused with Tom Hanks. - Eds.
"Criminals is like a box of chocolates, they might be hard on the outside but they are soft and mushy on the inside." - Tom Hanks

Let's go in order here:

Adam West - Campy Batman who danced. Any male that dances is not worthy of the cape and cowl.

George Clooney - News flash people: Batman and Robin was abysmally bad! Everything from Freeze's one-liners to the fact that Batman COMPLETELY forgot why he's Batman just makes the movie suck. And, through death by association, Clooney sucks as Batman.

Val Kilmer - Nipples on the Batsuit? As if the comic book hate mongers needed more reasons to call Batman and Robin a gay couple. Besides, in the previous two movies, Harvey Dent is black... so how come he's white here? Screw ups like that deserve to be punished. Refer to "death by association", above.

Michael Keaton - Here we are! Dark and gritty, like Batman should be, no annoying plot holes, and the only GOOD villains of the entire movie series (Jim Carrey doesn't clome CLOSE to Jack Nicholson). Plus, this Batman actually intentionally kills people (come on, he kicked a guy in the face with a blade coming out of his boot!). Killers beat dancers and losers any day of the week.

Verdict: Michael Keaton, in less time than it takes to say "Holy beat downs, Batman!"

- The Archimage

Appropriately enough, when I voted, Keaton was in 1st place, West in 2nd, Kilmore in 3rd, and Clooney dead last. As I said, this is appropriate because you should realize that Keaton and West actually DID A GOOD JOB in protraying he behaved in the comic book AT THE TIME.

In the 60s comic books, Batman was goofy...he really did call Robin "Chum" and Robin was a dork, and they both wore tights. I can thank my uncle's old comics for that knowledge. In that regard, West did an excellent job. However, in the Eighties and Nineties, Batman was far from goofy...that's when he became the uber-cool dark knight that we all know today. In that regard, Keaton did an excellent job in portraying him as an anti-hero, dark, but sticking to a code of conduct all his own.

Unfortunately, Kilmore and Clooney, to use a technical term, "Crapped it up". The switch in directors might have made some difference, but both of them played him as a joke. They played him similar to the West batman, which was fine for the 60's, but inappropriate for the 90's. Not to mention that they have paste-on nipples, and seem to be undergoing a mid-life crisis and focusing on their car. (Oh, and Batman and Robin won the top "Honors" at the Razzies that year...being voted the WORST film of the year. Whee.) Oh yeah. And their villains sucked, too. ^^

- Eimi the paranoid android

All right. Who the HELL decided to let Clooney in on this? The man didn't deserve to wear the suit the first time, and he sure as hell doesn't now. Batman is DARK and BROODING. B&R was a peppy and upbeat kinda movie. I mean, come on. Clooney SMILED most of the time as Batman! Now Kilmer, he did a good job as Wayne. Quite troubled and definately needing the "therapy" (wink wink) he got. But as Batman, he was only mediocre. Again, too close to West's Batman, as in CAMPY! However, this is a contest of Batmans not Bruces. So that brings us to our final two Batmans. Which caped and cowled crusader can crush his costumed competitor?

Keaton vs. West: Let's compare shall we?
Didn't mind blowing up large numbers of thugs and laying waste to his enemies.
Armored Batsuit and really cool Batvoice.
Mysterious and Dark figure that comes and goes like a shadow, only stays to do the job, then leaves like a *ahem* bat outta hell

Always did this "Hey, let's talk to the bad guys and help them be happy" Barney-attitude thing when in any fight. Besides, we never actually saw a hit, just a Kathwak or a Zowie.
Polyester outfit and "everything from Bat-erang to Bat-anti-personnel-guided-missle-dohickey" utility belt
Calls Robin "old Chum." Hmm, problems accepting sexual orientation?

Overall, Keaton's Batman portrayal was right on the money. Dark, almost demonic in stature. Real fear striker. West just doesn't have the balls to try to fight against the others. He'll try to start a "Legion of the Bat," right before Keaton sends his WIDE antique ass back to oblivion where he belongs. When was the last time you saw the campy Batman 60's show lately? But when was the last time a dark brooding Batman was on TV? Every frickin day on WB and Cartoon Network. And that show came on with Keaton. So I say Keaton is Batman, and Kilmer is Wayne. Keaton in 10.

- Dart Bader

"One judges a man by the quality of his enemies." -- Michael, Archangel of War

Sure, Val Kilmer tweaked the nipples of a unitard-wearing Jim Carrey, and Clooney faced the awesome combigned might of Uma Thurman, some Mexican Wrestling guy, and Schwarzenegger's indecipherable accent, but Keaton wiped the floor with both Jack Nicholson and Christopher Walken!!! Nobody in their right mind would even share a cab with these two lunatics without first investing in a bulletproof vest and a hefty life-insurance policy, yet Keaton smacked both of them around, threw one off a cathedral, and fed the other to his pet cat.

If you don't think Nicholson's psychotic enough, before Keaton even got around to using his can of Tim Burton approved Whup-ass", our boy Jack was talking smack to Billy Dee Williams, and had already taken out Jack Palance! (noted Grudge match champion, and the only man in film history to make the words "Hey, these floors look great," sound threatening.)

By this account, Keaton is officially awarded 'Helluva Tough' status, while the other Batmen wisely retreat to the safety of the Superfriends hideout to hose down the insides of their bat-uniforms.

- -Avatar of obscureness,
Troy "guvnor" Wood

For the record, both Val Kilmer *and* George "I'm not an actor, but I play one on tv" Clooney had suits with enhanced nippular areas. (Of course, so did Adam West, but only when it was really cold out).


Well Duh(tm). This is so easy my Guinea Pig Buddy could figure it out. First lets look at the three new Batmans, er, Batmen. Keaton, Kilmer, and Clowney. Guess which one I elminate right off the bat?

Clowney is the wimpiest of and Batman. In his Batwimp movie it was 3 against 2. 3 against 2!! He's such a loser he had to outnumber his opponents! Of course, one of those two was Arnie, but thats a whole different story. Like Conan's...

Kilmer wasn't much better, 2 on 2. At least the numbers were equal. Because he's a wussy though(nickname: the DORK Knight), he needed a young, perky sidekick to handle the bad guys. And young, perky sidekicks are inherintly disgusting and should die.

Now Keaton, there was a Batmen, er, Batman! First movie, 1 on 1 with a whole crime syndicate backing him up. Second movie, 1 on 2 with a whole mega-conglomerate company to back him up, and a whole zoo too. He not only is outnumbered every time, but gets tougher between movies! Lets see those pansy-weight nipple-boys do this. I don't think so, we're talking strewn nipples all over Gotham.

Adam West Batman. Tights, sure, but the KAPOOW! and BIFF! power is astounding. And his utility belt has everything from Bat-anti-shark-spray to non-stick-Pam. But tights, come on. He goes down from a well placed wedgie, a close second.

This leaves Keaton's Batman as the only Dark Knight to defend Gotham from the next massive criminal, Tire King with his evil sidekicks Burnt Rubber Boy and seduce-me-Batman Busty Villianess Barby.

- Mark, or "Uncle Vladmir" to my nephews

First of all, let's remove from the Match (tm) any consideration of Adam West. Seriously, Adam West is such a ham you could stuff him with cloves and serve him with sweet potatoes. I don't care if he DID actually have a series on TV twice a week, he's never been on anything since! AND he turned Batman into a posing, posturing moralist with no psychological depth, complexity, or interest. If it weren't for the fact he's so damn unintentionally funny, there would've been no reason to watch at all. He's not only a bad actor, he's an embarassing one. Holy beer-gut, Batman! Let's check that evidence out in the Bat-Has-Been Machine!

This leaves Clooney, Kilmer, and Keaton. As everyone will agree, the true Bat-man must be an Ass-Kicking Macho Stud (tm). This is Kilmer's downfall. His Batsuit's got nipples and his Robin's got an earring. I know Batman's supposed to be disturbed, but not THAT disturbed. Two grown men wearing capes, and one's an older man with a rubber nipple-suit and one's a young boy with an earring. Hmm . . . The typical hard night of crime fighting includes a lot of male criminals being wrestled into submission ("What's everyone looking at?" "NOTHING!"). Later they both spend a couple of hours antiquing and then it's back to stately Wayne Manor so that the two of them can put on the old Frankie Goes to Hollywood albums, hop into a nice hot soapy bath together, and start playing "Spot the Submarine." I nominate the Kilmer/O'Donnell matchup for the Ambiguously Gay Duo (tm) Award. They work Gotham City--and each other!

So it's down to Keaton and Clooney. Keaton was surprisingly good, especially with Michelle Pfeiffer's Catwoman. However I never could get over the idea that Keaton REALLY should have been playing the Joker. And he DID actually play Beetlejuice. And that was a toupee he was wearing. Batman should have his own hair.

And Clooney has his own hair, he's an official Macho Stud, not a trace of gaiety in his performance, and he can actually act rings around that old fart Adam West. Clooney wins!

- Deacon

After I voted I took a look at how Our Heroes(tm) were doing. Much to my surprise, the only real challenge for the mighty Keaton (at 245 votes) was Adam West(at 126)!

However, despite the mighty Keatons obvious superiority, I shall give equal time to blowing the competition out of the water.

Adam West: Fighting crime in your wooly-tights and boxers may have worked in the happy 70's, but in the hard-as-scuplted-Batmuscles 90's, hiding behind animated Ka-Pows just doesn't cut it. Go back to the Home For Retired Bat-Men, West!

Val Kilmer: nipples on batsuits are not an asset, capishe? Poor Kilmer, who was trying very hard to be the Keaton, is going to get his Batnipples(tm) tweaked good and hard in this fight.

George Cloony: While being exposed to the awfull Rosanne-beast might pump a man full of the Rage(tm), the Rosanne-beast feeds on the souls of men. Cloony's will to live has been sapped beyond rescue; if he lasts the first round, I'll be impressed.

Keaton: Mark, just because your wife is leading you around by your nipple-rings doesn't mean that Keaton is the bad-guy. The Pengquin wasn't a real penguin, and he did awful things to the nice, kind penguins that raised him from a malformed youngster (like strapping them to rockets). The Mighty Keaton merely saved those nice penguins from the big, evil penguin-wannabe. Besides, any man who can stand up to Jack Nicholson as the baddest, evillest evil badguy of all Bat-time(tm), the Joker(tm) himself, and come out alive, is the incarnation of Mentos-Coolness(tm).

Michael Keaton in a BAM! ZAPPO!! BOFF!

- Sailor Squasher!!

To see who wins this Grudge Match, lets tkae a visit to our good friend, Mr. Process-of-Elimination. So, Mr. Elimination, who do you think will win.

MR. PROCESS-OF-ELIMINATION: Well, Zac, I think it's easier to see who doesn't win.

1. George Clooney- Although he might put up a good fight, he'll be disqualified once he gets a page to return to the ER.

2. Adam West- Even though he does pocess the power of KAPOW! ZONK!, he's going to be too busy pulling the spandex out of his butt-crack to put up much offence.

3. Val Kilmer- This is the man from Willow we're talkn' about here. Come on.

So the the clear winner of this match goes to Micheal Keaton by default. Back to you Zac.

ZACZILLA: Thank you, Mr. Elimination

- Zaczilla

Michael Keaton, takes it, definitely.

But only because you didn't include/allow Kevin Conroy, the voice of the animated Batman, and star of two of the greatest action/adventure shows of this decade.

The real Batman. His Bruce Wayne on Batman Beyond is only slightly less cool.

(And that show has a villain who George Costanza dated on Seinfeld -- Shannon Kenny, aka Inque. The biggest bad-ass on Batman Beyond. She got into the Batcave, by hiding inside the Batmobile, and whooped up on Bruce and his protege at the same time (Not to mention trying and almost succeeding to kill the new Batman by crawling down his throat)! But Bruce, the original, saved his ass.

And, on Seinfeld she was afraid of Georgewhich should have guaranteed Team Seinfeld the victory -- power like that deserves respect. But, I didn't vote, so I can't complain...)

And, I know, I know, you could say he wasn't included because he was a toon. But that's garbage...the animated Batman is no stranger to Doing the Rodney(TM), and gets hurt quite often.

So, Keaton. Actually, Sifu David Lea, the British kung fu instructor who doubled in the fight scenes for Keaton, takes it. But, technically a win for Keaton.

- The Observer

Well, it's obvious that the big Val-bowski (pleas eeon't sue me, Mr. McMahon) will come out on top of this. But if you didn't know that already, let's take a look at the facts:

  • Michael Keaton - Sure, he's the only one to last two movies, but he's going BALD! He'll be too busy trying to comb over what's left of his hair, and will get his Joker-dancing ass handed to him on a silver platter, by Alfred, no less.
  • George Clooney - Oh, COME ON! The man got to run next to ALICIA SILVERSTONE while she was in a LATEX suit, and he didn't even try to get some? That, my friends, is insanity. Clooney is obviously a homosexual (not that there's anything wrong with that), and he'll be out of the fight after he chases Alfred, who is carrying Keaton's aforementioned ass, across the border to Tiajuana, where anything is legal. But I digress.
  • Adam West - ADAM WEST?!?!? Come on. The man couldn't even take little Pete down in the Adventures of Pete & Pete, how is he expected to take on one of the few guys in the world who can say they got to kick Auh-nuld's Austrian keester back across the ocean? Besides, have you seen the gut on West lately?

    I forsee it boiling down to West vs. Kilmer almost immediately, and after a few KAPOW!s, a couple WHAMMO!s, and one or two ZAPs, it'll be all over for Mr. West, and Val and his rubber nipples will live to fight another day.

    Case closed.

    - -=Maverick=-

    Joe, what were you thinking? Micheal Keaton will definately win, not because he got laid. He'll kick some major ass because he's the only one NOT getting laid on a regular basis.

    Remember, he was the only Batman who didn't have a "Boy Wonder" as his "Partner."

    - Lord_Odin, whose still wonders how you could forget to include Peg Bundy in a match over a couch.

    George Clooney was the only movie Batman that actually looked like Bruce Wayne. Hell, Val Kilmer's BLONDE! Clooney's obviously the best of the bunch at playing a hearthrob, playboy billionaire. West played Bruce Wayne like he was a school teacher. Keaton played Wayne like a depressed and moody artist. Kilmer could have done the playboy thing, but HE'S BLONDE! Take a look at the comic book, Bruce Wayne has black hair. Couldn't Kilmer have dyed it or something?

    Also, Clooney's Batman was the only one that looked good in a fight. Batman's supposed to be a master of martial arts. West fought like a school teacher. Keaton got slammed by the Joker's thugs, not to mention getting punched out by the Joker himself. (Take a look at the comic book, the Joker runs away from Batman. Any time Batman punches the Joker, it's the last punch of the fight.) Kilmer seemed disinterested in the fighting, and anyway HE'S BLONDE! Clooney stood toe-to-toe with Arnold!

    - I'm Alfred on his day off

    None of the above. Old men and bat-wusses lose out to the QB who got his bell rung in the Snickers commercial and became Batman.

    - Ed

    There can be only one outcome for this match. It's simple: Michael Keaton is about 5'6". Seriously, folks, he's tiny. And, as we all know, short guys have the RAGE" like no other. Keaton will take out his years of sublimated inferiority on these hapless Batman pretenders in no time.

    - Tistofer Tickleson

    I understand why some would think that Adam West is a joke as the Batman. After all, the TV series was written to be a joke....But please recall that the Batman comic book itself wasn't exactly "graphic novel" material itself, then. I mean, c'mon, the writers had Batman fighting a creep called, get this..."The MOTH- MAN"!!!! OOOooo, I'm shaking in my fuzzy bunny slippers!

    I think that Adam West brought the Batman of 60's to life, and that the battle of the Batmen really should be between Clooney, Keaton, and Kilmer...My pick?

    Well, Clooney is a one-note actor and that note is "B-Flat". Bruce Wayne shouldn't be using Grecian formula...

    Keaton played Batman as a very neurotic man. Let's stop right there. Batman is NOT, I repeat NOT, "Mr. Mom"!

    Which of course leaves Kilmer. Out of the three modern Batmen, Val Kilmer fits the role best. He is drop dead gorgeous, both as Wayne and his alter-ego, and actually seems to be able to portray both personas with some skill and athleticism. Oh, and yeah, he's drop dead gorgeous.

    I would be willing to fork over money to own a copy of his movie. You'd have to pay me to even watch the others...

    - Jaid Diah

    Adam West, no doubt. Any man who can actually say the line, "Quick Robin, this calls for our Bat Fly-Swatters" (an actual line from the show) with a straight face gets my vote. How does a man not laugh when you have young live-in boy named DICK GRAYSON saying to you "Holy double-cross Batman!" I would love to see the line on Adam West's 1960's tax returns when he had to fill in the line entitled, "occupation.

    The very fact that Adam West was the first to have a boy wonder is amazing. How do you ask for this? "Say kid, put on these tight fitting the underwear is on the outside. Come and live with me, and I'll teach you gymastics, we'll practice wrestling together, and at night, let's just say the action will be intense. I will call you "Robin"...yes, I know that can be a girl's name...and you're title will be "boy wonder." Wait until you see my underground cave, filled with all types of gadgets. Unbelievable.

    Other reasons why Adam West is the best Batman ever:
    -The Michael Keaton Batman probably had to use his Multiplicity clones to prowl Gotham.
    -He is not Val Kilmer.
    -He does not have George Clooney's looks and STILL was able to get Eartha Kitt.
    -He actually had the cajones to say he should have been in the Batman movies.
    And finally:
    -He can do the Batoozie.
    -With a straight face.
    -And mean it.
    -And he got paid to do it.

    - Budo

    Surprised to see me?

    You shouldn't be.

    There is one clear victor here. He needs to be recognized for the yeomanlike effort he put forth. He has become an ICON. A legend. The Great One, if you will.

    Adam West? P'f'hah!

    Michael Keaton? I got one word for ya... Multiplicity. FATALITY!

    Val Kilmer? And you are... oh, I recognize you now. The answer to the trivia question "Who was considered, during his 15-minute career, to be the male equivalent of Barbra Streisand with a little Martha Stewart mixed in for Extra B'tchy Flavor?" Back to the sandbox.

    The winner, the man, the myth, the legend:

    GEORGE "The Ham of Doom" CLOONEY!

    Yeah, baby, yeah! He has done what even the mighty Joker failed to do... destroyed Batman forever! (pun intended)

    Now if you'll excuse me, I have a three o'clock with Ra's Al Ghul... PREPARE TO BEND TO MY EVIL WILL, GOTHAM!!!

    Thanks, George!

    - Todd Evil

    First off, let me say I like you guys. Steve and Brian were good and you guys arn't bad either but your voting security system ( Mr. T ) is stuffed! ( Probably been flying or summin' )

    Anyho... I voted for Kilmer and here's why. Lets look at the bats we have here...

    1. Georde Clooney : I hate this guy, not only because he thinks he is God's gift to anything ( including donkeys. Honest, it's true! ) but because he's got grey hair. This is an obvious indication of his true age, which is somewhere around 82, not 40, or 35, or whatever. My point is he id O-L-D! Hats off to the plastic surgeon who created the artificial mirical that is Clooney's face. Obviously an old fart of 82 cannot stand up to the might of the Saint/Moses/the blind guy who scored with Mira Sorvino ad finitum...

    2. Adam West : Who???

    3. Michael Keaton : A close second, but just one flaw, no, two flaws. Firstly, he has dimples. A sure sign of weakness as he obviously smiles too musch to be a true badass. Secondly, when viewed with his shirt off in Desperate Measures, he doesn't have that much chest hair at all. This shows such a lack of testoterone that I might even say that he might be part female. ( I swear I know a girl with more chest hair than that! ) Don't even think of using Di Caprio as a counter argument - despite the popular belief of girls between the age of 10 to 14, he is in fact a girl. ( If not that the only other explanation is he is Michael Jackson's lovechild from the one time Wacko actually had sex - with another man! )

    4. Val Kilmer : Our winner. Not only is he the most handsome, buff, and straight haired out of the quartet, but he has one advantage that eliminates all the compitation - his costume had nipples! Not just ordinary nipples but "giant man nipples" ( Chandler Bing )!!! Nothing can withstand him.

    I see it going down like this : He charges them all and impales them with the nipps. Now I'm going to rest my hands, excuse me......

    - Pete

    Gotta be Adam West, if only for the fact that he got the line snuck in on the original show, after Catwoman falls off a cliff into the river, "Holly wet pussies Batman!" Gotta love sneaking one by the network censors.

    - Switz

    I fear Adam West's Batman might have been a bit senile. I mean, behind the bookcase at Stately Wayne Manor, the sign read:

       ||    ||
       ||    || 
     Bruce  Dick
       ||    ||
       ||    ||
    I mean, these poles were for their eyes only, presumably, so did they really need to be reminded of their purpose with that sign? And while we're on the subject, everything in their batcave was labelled! Shouldn't they know which device is the batcomputer without having to be told by a large sign sitting atop it?

    But none of this matters, for only Adam West could do the Batusi (cha cha cha).

    - 1/2 Nelson

    This is going to be a very long match because nobody is going to able to land a single decent punch. The 50 pound rubber suits worn by Keaton, Kilmer, and Cloony will protect them from most blows, but at the same time will hinder thier movement to fight back. Keaton will be unable to do any damage, but even at his age he is the most agile of the four and will be able to dodge punches aimed at him.

    So this match comes down to endurence. The fact of the matter is, you can only survive so long wearing 50 pounds of skin-tight black rubber. Eventually, they will collapse from exhaustion. All Adam has to do is walk away and leave the others to stew in thier own suits.

    Game. Set. Match. Adam West.

    - The Animator

    Only one man can hit people and actually make the sound of the punch show up on the screen (POW! SPLAT! BLEEM!). That man is Adam West. He'll KAPOW! Keaton, BANG! Kilmer, and @#*$!!!! Clooney. He's a shoo-in.

    - Evan D.

    What this comes down to, gentlement, is the Alfred Factor. [tm]

    Why is it there have been three different movie Batmen (each one getting gayer than the last, I might add), but the same Alfred throughout them all? Reminds you of the Q/Bond ratio, doesn't it?

    Then we have the OTHER Alfred, Alan Napier, from the TV series. Poor bugger's dead now, I understand. And he never did any decent movies as far as I know, just a lot of Shakespierean rubbish, which wouldn't be of any help to BatAdam West even if the bloke were still alive.

    Now see the advantage the movie Alfred (Micheal Gough) could summon:

    First, he voiced Zorro in a TV series. Also did some voice on the Skeleton Warriors, with obvious He-Man connections...
    And here's the best one: Sleepy Hollow.

    My prediction: Four severed Bat-heads and one old guy to take ALL the Catwomen and Batgirls on as his harlots. Next, look for him to take on Mr. Burns and Q!

    - MonkeyDog [oh, I left out guest appearances on Dr. Who and the Avengers.]

    I'm pulling for Adam West in this one. Why? Because he faced all of the villians more than once, and in his movie he took on four of the best ones all at once. That's more than I can say about the others, who only faced each villian one time. Sure, sometimes they joined forces, but at the end of the movie they stopped being a problem. The West Batman always had to deal with new challenges each time he fought a returning bad guy. Also. he was tougher than the rest. All of the other Batmen wore body armor. They each should be called "Chickenman"!

    - The Man They Call Nate

    Adam West Uses Classic Scorched-Earth Warfare For Victory

    Mother Mhig Croí, Commissioner!

    You mean that some masked marauders are gallivanting about Gotham, disguised in their good guy get up!? Well, you may be shocked to know that I have inside information on how Adam West will win.

    1. Adam West is possessed of dramatically superior Bat-resources anyway. His mind is a repository of all the worlds trivia. He can change into costume in the time it takes to slide down a fireman's pole, which makes him both fast and agile. He is on good terms with the Gotham City administration and the citizens. In short, he knew that this fight was going to happen well in advance, and has already prepared for it.

    2. Mark referred to Adam West as a "swell Batman", for having a profit-sharing incentive for employees. All well and good, but don't forget that it was Adam West who had the Wayne Foundation. As a visionary philantropist, he probably invented the idea, but the 1960s weren't ready for it.

    The Foundation itself gave an opportunity for hundreds of youths to grow up as productive citizens, and as possible replacements for Robin. Well, these youths have now gravitated to senior positions in the current Wayne industries. All that Adam West need do is say the word, and those upstarts will be left to starve in their vermin-infested crypts as a result of massive industrial action.

    3. Finally, Adam West, I'm reliably informed, is the only Batman to have the Pope as a fan. And under the Papal Infalliility decree (1870), the Pope is infallible. The other three, if you'll pardon the expression, haven't a prayer.

    - Chief O'Hara

    Let's "judge a man by the strength of his enemies." Clearly, in evaluating different versions of the same superhero, a crucial common criteria is the resourcefulness of their foes. A superhero is only as useful as the villains he has to stack up against; the better the wit and weapons of the bad guy, the more hardass the Hero.

    So, what sort of "villain degree of difficulty" are these Batmen facing? A little comparison indicates that only Keaton has had any worthwhile competition, and is therefore destined to dish out a beat down to the troika of wanna-bes.

    Clooney--Mr. Freeze and Poison Ivy. I don't think so. Freeze's cold-gun weapons are interesting but uninspired. Ivy brings to the table the skills of her henchman (some washed-up professional wrestler dressed as an organic S+M dork) and lame poison hormones--any random babe could be just as deadly wearing Cher's perfume. And Freeze and Ivy's dialogue? "Everybody...chill!" "Learn it well, for it is the chilling sound of your doom?" "Take two of these and call me in the morning" "Come with me, my garden needs tending" Aaaargh. I heard better one-liners in 3rd grade. Sorry, but even with the babe factor of Uma Thurman, Clooney (with help from Robin and Batbabe no less) shouldn't have even been challenged.

    Kilmer--Riddler and Two-Face. Somewhat more intelligent banter. "Riddle me this, riddle me that, who's afraid of the big black bat?" "Ah. Fortune smiles. Another day of wine and roses. Or, in your case, beer and pizza!" Well, maybe not. But at least a few neat toys and more interesting eye candy than in "Batman and Robin."

    West--True, the old-school Batman did have some useful competition, including Julie Newmar (Batbabe extraordinaire), Vincent Price and The Dragon himself. Unfortunately, Bruce Lee aside, on a more regular basis West was dealing with the likes of Cesar Romero, Burgess Meredith, Vincent Price, Roddy McDowall, Art Carney, Liberace, Tallulah Bankhead, Zsa Zsa Gabor, and...Ethel Merman? Yep, looking at the overall competence of the baddies during West's career, I'm afraid the acknowledged *quantity* of beat-down experience just doesn't give West the *quality* of resistance that would make him the clear winner in this 4-Way-Flapfest.

    Keaton--Penguin, Catwoman, and...The Joker. Plus a little badass Christopher Walken thrown into the mix? Finally some worthwhile bad guys. OK, so Danny Devito may not stand up to rigorous examination. But Michelle Pfieffer has Babe-ity, Black Leather, and Banter. "Mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it; A kiss can be even deadlier if you mean it." And of course, you just can't beat Jack..."Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?", "Gotham City. Always brings a smile to my face." Tim Burton's dark scenery and enemies with both devilish designs and witty comebacks...Keaton's Batman had his work cut out for him.

    The fact remains that only Keaton has faced truly high-quality opponents and has the necessary experience to send the other 3 contenders packing to the non-Batman B-movies. A couple slashes from Keaton's Bat-Claw give Clooney a Thin Red Line across the throat and send him reeling Out of Sight to the ER. Despite his Real Genius, Kilmer can't compete with Keaton; he's left as just another Tombstone for a martyred Saint. West tries to be Hardcore but can't take the heat and gets sent at Warp Speed to the geriatric Clinic. Keaton, a one man Dream Team, takes the match.

    - Phatjunx

    Ok... let's look at the four contestants...

    Adam West Batman: the guy was overweight, his costume looked like it was patched together by some six-year old kid, and he was WAY too friendly to Robin. This Batman couldn't beat up the Pilsbourghy Doughboy. Next.

    Val Kilmer Batman: umm, since when did Bruce Wayne have blond hair and blue eyes? And since when did Batman start driving around in a neon car? "Look at me, I'm Batman!! Here I am bad guys! Shoot me already!" No.

    George Clooney Batman: this also applies to the Val Kilmer Batman... "Hi, I'm Bruce Wayne." *put on Batman costume* "I'm Bruce Wayne in a Batman costume!" What the hell? They didn't inspire fear what so ever. If I was to meet this Batman in a dark alley the only way I'd lose in a fight is if I didn't stop laughing at him. And we're left with...

    Michael Keaton Batman: this IS Batman. He actually looks the part, he acts the part, he's just damn scary, just like the comic book version of Batman. None of that neon drek, none of the lame jokes, none of that.

    I'd say that the Michael Keaton Batman kicks all of their arses in ten seconds.

    - Redeemer

    Clooney. I know it's the unpopular choice but Clooney. Look, Clooney is a bad-ass. He just was the victim of horrible script writing (that entire Batman & Robin debacle). But did you see him in Out of Sight? In Dusk til Dawn? Clooney is a certified bad ass.

    Adam West ... saw him doing an appearance at a hot rod show a few years back. He's a big old puss. C'mon. I mean, really.

    Val Kilmer ... nah, anyone who Tom Cruise has ever gotten the better of ... no. Sorry.

    Michael Keaton ... the guy has style, the guy has class. But he did that movie, 'My Life.' Did you see that movie? Dude's a big sensitive puss softy. I mean that with all due respect.

    Clooney will prevail. Thank you. I am drunk. Go Utah Jazz!


    It has to be George Clooney. All you have to do is look at the babe bagged by the Bat:

    1) Michael Keaton: Got Kim Basinger, but turned down Michelle Pfeiffer. Gotta question that.

    2) Val Kilmer: Had a short-lived fling with Nicole Kidman. Apparently he wasn't enough for her.

    3) Adam West: He got...hmmmm...come to think of it, I think he spent more time with Burt Ward than any of the ladies, and he had a running series (multiple opportunities)...

    4) George Clooney: Not only does he almost get Uma Thurman and gets to see Vendela in a wet t-shirt, but he lays the hammer down on Elle MacPherson well enough where she wants to marry the guy. In the words of The Riddler, "Now THAT'S impressive!"

    - The Rock

    This is just like a terribly warped version of Herman's Head.

    Here we have the four core aspects of Batman's personality all fighting for control. Here's how I see them:

    Angel           Kilmer
    Animal          Clooney
    Intelligence    Keaton
    Angst           West
    Keaton gets the Intelligence trait for showing some when he became Batman in the original movie and got out after Batman Returns.

    Kilmer gets the Angel trait for the innocence shown in the taking the helm for Batman Forever not knowing where the franchise was going.

    Clooney gets Animal for showing no intelligence whatsoever in taking the helm knowing where the franchise was going.

    West gets Angst simply because that's all that was left over.

    By The Way, Keaton takes the match in less than the alloted 22 minutes a typical sitcom is given.

    - Weird Uncle Dave

    I have a definative answer for you. Batman was originally aimed at kids. Your question was not who is the toughest batman or who is the best actor, but who is the real Batman?

    I conducted a scientific experiment. I asked my four-year-old. Adam West is the "real" Batman. The others are just modern knock-off's aimed at nostalgic adults. Adam West, with all his POW power, is the REAL Batman.

    So your scenario goes something like this: Adam West, enRAGEd at the knock-off's trying to claim his glory, jumps to the attack. Since he is the real Batman and the only one with POW power (the others have to rely on hand-me-down equipment from James Bond), he's on them in a heartbeat. Michael Keaton, the only one who can offer a threat, is resists for a few minutes, but a few POWs and ZAMs later, even he collapses.

    In fact, he's so quick that he has time to go after the escaping hoodlum. Only the Real Batman would care enough to go catch him, of course.

    - TruthMaster

    I say that Adam West wins for several reasons.

    First off, he has help. I was just thinking to myself about who else gets put in unnecessarily slow killing devices while being unsupervised.... James Bond! (and to a lesser extent Austin Powers). He's got superspy friends with as many, if not more crazy gadgets than all the other Batmen combined. Let's see that body armor stop a laser watch, biaaach!

    Next, look at how West fights. He uses the patented "Pow" technology(tm). Notice how the words all have pointed edges. This is where the power lies! The jagged borders will rip their bat armor to shreds!

    Finally, Adam West has absence of the one tool that will destroy them all... that Thingy that Fires into the Air and Pulls You Up (tm). No matter who is decided the "real" Batman, when the others try to leave by firing the Thingy(tm), they will essentially end up tying themselves together allowing West to dispose of them handily.

    Bottom line.... simpler is better. The REAL Batman is gettin' it on with Catwoman before Robin can say, "Holy incemination, Batman!"

    - Shaft

    Adam West would cream these other losers easily, but with his Batty brains! These other leather clad wannabees can't possibly stand up to the reality defying might of the one true Master of Mind Control that is Batman West. Think about it, during the series, how many villians put two and two together and concluded that Batman WAS Bruce Wayne (ie all of them except that loser The Minstrel) only to have their findings dashed by the quick wits and convenient animatronics (take that Lucas!) of our man West? If our Man in Blue is even halfway on his game, he will easily be able to convince these "actors" that he couldn't POSSIBLY be Batman and step aside as they beat each other into unconciousness and claim victory. If he can outwit Vincent Price, he can befuddle these losers.

    Furthermore, anyone who has ever watched even ONE episode KNOWS that whatever death trap he and Robin face, however complex/ridiculous/deadly/more expensive than 1000 Batsuits, is always foiled and Batman West ALWAYS has exactly the right means to escape. (Come on, a solar eclipse in the nick of time?) He's untouchable! About the only way I've ever seen him outdone is when he was conned into drinking ONE beer! HA HAH HA I love that episode!

    Besides, even if he does lose, we know he's going to get more tail than the other three combined. Read the book by Burt Ward, aka Robin, and you'll know what I mean...

    - The Crystal Meph

    A good mark of greatness is to be the subject of satire. Politicians and entertainers (and probably superheroes) feel slighted and demoralized when not enough people consider them significant enough to be featured in MAD, Doonesbury, The Simpsons, Saturday Night Live back when it was funny, water-cooler jokes, and whatever other relevant venue.

    Adam West thus towers above the others. From potty-humor in the second grade ("Quickly, Robin, to the Bat-room! There isn't a moment to lose!") to jr.-high drama skits to making #2 on the 1989 "Dr. Demento" Funny 25 ("Adam West", to Saturday Night Live's "Ambiguously Gay Duo", I have witnessed jokes about the TV show for most of my life, decades after it aired. I even have a 30-minute tape consisting entirely of West-related songs, and at least one pop- group ("Jan and Dean") put out an entire album! In contrast, the movies got lame "interview" recordings by "Whimsical Will" and maybe a MAD parody before being consigned to the cape-closet of pop-culture history. Do you really think many people will recall Keaton's Batman with such fondness thirty years after his films, or even remember Kilmer's or Clooney's?

    Snicker all you want, but even the late Bob Kane acknowledged that the '60s show saved Batman's existence. Thus, West made all the others possible. And West isn't out of action yet, either - in "Beware the Grey Ghost" on the animated series, he essentially played himself and rescued Kevin Conroy's Batman, who is obviously so great that WWWF left him out of the match to prevent a hugely-lopsided vote.

    Out of reverence for his past and continuing rep, valor, and prowess, all other Batmen will give their ancestor space and duke it out amongst themselves for second-place status like Forbes and McCain. To quote Dennis Hopper in "Speed," "Don't f--- with Daddy."

    - Matt Bricker

    Keaton wins. Elapsed time to logically conclude this: Two minutes, forty-three seconds. Allow me to elaborate.

    As Joe mentioned, Clooney and Kilmer were simply playing Keaton-as-Batman. And John? "Word to the Tootie (tm)" does not make Clooney any cooler as Batman.

    This leaves us two competitors. Adam West, the original TV Batman, against Michael Keateon, the original movie Batman.

    By going to the Internet Movie Database and looking up the 1989 movie, you can see that Michael Keaton beat out Adam West for the part of Bruce Wayne/Batman. In fact, it was Batman's creator, Bob Kane, who gave Keaton the nod over West.

    Obviously, this means that, in the eyes of the very CREATOR of our beloved Caped Crusader, Adam West ain't Bat-material.

    Keaton wins, hands down, bypassing the "Word to the Tootie (tm)" factor, the nipple-suit factor and the KAPOW ZONK (tm) factor.

    - Juliebug

    Read your Philip K. Dick -- reality is completely subjective. While the other 3 pretenders have gone out of their way to divorce themselves from their attempts at Batman, Adam West thinks -- nay, knows -- he is Batman, pure and simple. I mean, come on -- he used to peddle "Bat-Phone Greetings" from his web site, for crissakes. (Unfortunately, it seems Commissioner Gordon has since revoked that offer; a pity, really.) Adam West will just end up disbelieving in the other three, as is the prerogative of the bat-shit insane (pun most definitely intended)... a-and they'll just vanish! Contest won, it's back to the rubber room for the good Mr. West, and not a moment too soon.

    Personally, I blame the fumes from that aerosol shark-exploding repellent.

    - Zartan Moloch

    Holy Long Responses, Batman!
    As is our tradition when you folks knock yourselves out and send in so many great responses,
    we took the longer ones and placed them in the Ritalin™ Reading Room.


    The Final Word

    Shit. How did a simple "homoerotic rubber fetishists" search land me here?

    - Nevers

    If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

    Superfriends v. X-Men
    Spider-Man v. The Tick
    Worst Director Academy Award

    Home | History | Suggestions | FAQ | Stats | Links
    Awards | Commentators | Real Life | Fun Stuff | Studio Store

    Next match: Mind over matter...
    ETA: Wednesday, November 24th.

    © 1999, WWWF Ground Zero; © 2000, Dragon Hamster Productions, LLC