The first night, amidst their first restful sleep in months, they are awakened by loud noises and spooky laughter coming from the farmhouse down the road. Unable to sleep, they get up and look out the window. "Looks paranormal," mutters Ray out loud, "better get the equipment." So the four of them walk down to the house and pound on the front door. It is answered by a wildly-dressed, raucous ghost bearing an eerie resemblance to Michael Keaton.
"May I help you?"
"Yes", Venkman answers, "We're trying to get some sleep -- could you please keep it down?"
"You know, I'd really like to." Suddenly Beetlejuice's head spins around several times and he wails with laughter. "But unfortunately, its Showtime! Muahaahaaahaaheeheehee!"
"Hey, I know who you are," notes Egon. "You're that level 2 poltergeist I've heard about. Well, all we have to do to get rid of you is-" CLANG! A metal plate slaps over Egon's face.
"Didn't your mother tell you not to talk to strangers?" quips Beetlejuice.
"Fire 'em up, boys," says Venkman. "It's time to show this ghost who's boss around here."
So Brian, will the ghostbusters be able to put away Beetlejuice, or will they become four more casualties of this above-average apparition?
And let's talk firepower. The Ghostbusters are wired from head-to-toe. What does Beetlejuice have? A Zagnut (tm)? Let's talk know-how. Venkman and company successfully wired the Statue of Liberty using ecto-plasma and Jackie Wilson. Beetlejuice has successfully turned some parlor furniture into little creepy crawly things. Look at it this way, Steve: Ghostbusters defeat 200-ft tall confectionaries; Beetlejuice gets eaten by 100-ft worms. Is it just me, or is Beetlejuice outclassed across the board here? Within five minutes, Beetlejuice finds himself taking a number from Kurt Cobain (tm) after the Token Ghostbuster (tm) slams the trap shut.
STEVE: Oh yes, the Ghostbusters have defeated Gozar and Vigo, but I'm just not impressed. These spirits are ancient! It's like sending the Navy Seals against a tribe of cavemen! The Ghostbusters did win, but they were fighting spirits who haven't seen the light of day for hundreds of years. They didn't know technology, and they didn't know how things get done in today's New York. Beetlejuice, however, gets around, and he knows what to expect. He's not going to dilly-dally around while they fire up their particle beams. He'll take aggressive action and steal or destroy their techno-toys before they know what's up. The Ghostbusters without their technology are in for a world of hurt. Beetlejuice is somewhat sadistic, and will definitely make them pay for any attempts to put him away.
And of course we have the home turf advantage in favor of Beetlejuice. The Ghostbusters are truly out of their element in the country. Without buildings, cars, and hot-dog stands around to accidentally blast or slime, they're just not going to know what to do. Open spaces? They'll get all phobic and yearn for the enclosed canyons of New York City. In addition, they're just plain exhausted. They haven't had much sleep, and study after study has shown that performance decreases when workers are tired. These two factors are the beginning of the end for the Ghostbuster team. Soon the Ghostbusters will have their own personal copy of "The Guide to the Afterlife" (tm).
BRIAN: Hold on a second, Steve. Looks like I need to educate you a bit on the nature of the supernatural. See, in the afterlife, you improve with age. Remember how all those Poltergeist/Amityville type houses are always built on ancient burial grounds? No one would be scared of a house built on a burial ground from the late 50s. And what is the source of all those problems on those late-night Skinemax (tm) horror flicks? It's always an ancient evil, never a hip, nouveaux evil. Why? Cause there's no such thing as a new evil. This is actually demonstrated quite clearly in Beetlejuice: Geena Davis and Alec Baldwin are clueless what to do at first, but they learn with time. Thus Gozar and Vigo know all the tricks of the trade, yet were still defeated by the Ghostbusters. Beetlejuice, while quite a showman, is the New Ghost on the Block (NGOTB) (tm) in comparison, and won't have anything the 'Busters haven't seen before.
And let's not forget that Beetlejuice's most powerful and effective tool was his coolness. Well, unfortunately for him, he was cool in the 80s, and last time I checked this was the 90s. Beetlejuice's sequel-less coolness has faded and withered, his wit has become dry and predictable, and his carnival routines have become tired and ordinary. The Ghostbusters, however, with another sequel coming soon to a theater near you, are still cool. But even if they weren't, it wouldn't matter. When you've got as much fire power as they do, you don't need cool. The self-proclaimed "Ghost With the Most" will soon become the "Ghoul with the Drool".
STEVE: I have to disagree with your neanderthal analysis of ancient versus modern evil. Of course no one's concerned about building houses on top of "burial grounds" from the late 50's. The "grounds" are still there! The cemeteries are there in plain sight, and if you built a house there you bet the children of the people buried there are going to pay you a visit. In fact, no one has actually built their new condo over a modern cemetery, so you really don't have any facts to base this on. If it were in fact to happen, who knows what kind of apparitions would appear? I bet that the departed soul of the demented old lady who lived down the street (the one where your ball or frisbee always accidentally ended up in and you were afraid to get it out of her yard) would make Vigo look more like Casper the Friendly Ghost.
To even hint that Beetlejuice's primary tool was his coolness is juvenile. Beetlejuice is not cool. We're talking about an actor that was just coming off of Mr. Mom, arguably one of the uncoolest roles ever. No, Beetlejuice's most effective weapon is his zaniness. The pure, unbridled energy coming from him is unlike anything ever seen by the Ghostbusters. All the head spinning, bouncing, yelling, screaming, bright colors, and loud noises will befuddle the Ghostbusters. He's really something of an Evil Clown (tm), which is second only to Bob Saget in the heirarchy of nightmarishly evil creatures. A ghost of this magnitude has never been seen by the Ghostbusters, and they are going to be put out of business forever.
Thanks to Vincent P. Mondaro and Jen Martin of Seton Hall University for this idea.
Additional thanks to Shane "Call Me Shane" Tourtellotte, Paul "Hotbranch!" Branchaud,
Paul Golba, and John "Thinkmaster General" Hnatyshyn for helpful technical support.
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Taking a cue from your Shaft analysis, just look at the Ghostbuster Theme song. If there's something strange in your neighbourhood, who you gonna call? Ghostbusters! Nowhere in this simple yet true mission statement do they say "If there's something strange in your exclusively urban neighborhood, etc". This clearly demonstrates the all terrain capabilities of the Ghostbusters. The song goes on to tell us that if there's something wierd and it don't look good, who you gonna call? Ghostbusters! Beetlejuice is something wierd, and he certainly never struck me as being good looking, therefore the Ghostbusters are ideally suited to deal with him.
The final bit of wisdom to be gleaned from the theme song is that the Ghostbusters ain't 'fraid of no ghost. Ignoring the double negative, the GB's obviously will have no problem dealing with Beetlejuice. Having the business end of four high power nuclear accelerators shoved in his face will be more than enough to unhinge Beetlejuice, who'll go down with a whimper.
BJ : [now wearing a Hawaiian shirt and shorts] Cool! You
brought the drinks. You know, I just LOVE mixed drinks at parties.
Let's see, what do we have here: Vodka, Tequila, Schlitz and Jolt
Cola. Mmmmmm. There's just one thing missing...
Peter : [worried] Um, what's going on, Ray?
BJ : OH!, of course! I forgot the worms. [He pulls one out of his ear and throws it in the beer glass] Fortunately, I always carry a few along in case of an emergency - like booze. I know this great dive between heaven and hell - the drinks are warm but it's always happy hour. HAHA! They call this drink the 'Dead Lift'.
Winston : $%@#! He's drinking the whole thing...
BJ : BBBUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPP! [The Ghostbusters are knocked over backwards] Oops, pardon me. What kind of host am I? How about some entertainment?
[Really bad dance music starts playing in the background. Peter is forced to do the macarana while Egon & Ray do the lambada, the forbidden dance. Winston is breakdancing, mainly on his head and shoulders. Beetlejuice is now wearing a bright white leisure suit and is disco dancing.]
Ray : Egon, we need your help! Can you communicate?
Egon : MMWPH!
Winston : OUCH! WHAT? OUCH!
Ray : Peter, we need a diversion.
Peter : Hey, what's your name, this party is DEAD! Where's the girls?
BJ : OH YEAH... DON'T GO ANYWHERE, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK!
[Beetlejuice disappears. The Ghostbusters stop dancing and huddle up. Egon still has the clamp over his mouth.]
Ray : Egon is using sign language... he says 'IGNORE him.'
Winston : How do we do that? He just used my head to clean the floor. [Beetlejuice reappears]
BJ : Oops! Sorry guys. No good on the ghostettes - Casper throwing a KILLER party in limbo. People are just DYING to get in there...
Peter : [whispering] Follow my lead... [aloud] You know I love you all like brothers, but we have to come up with someone new to sing our theme song.
Winston : But what's wrong with Ray Parker Jr?!
BJ : Um, guys...
Peter : Well, he's fine but I think we need to stretch our musical horizon. I was thinking more along the line of Roy Orbison.
BJ : HEY GUYS!
Ray : But he's dead.
Peter : Yeah, but that's a plus in our type of work...
BJ : [pops up in the middle of the huddle dressed like Elvis] How about me! I can knock 'em DEAD. Watch this: ~/OoOOoo, BabY YoU, yoU GOt wHAt I NeEd/~
Ray : NOW!
[The Ghostbusters dive for cover as Ray opens the ghost trap. Beetlejuice gets sucked in.]
Egon : I KNEW IT! Beetlejuice has such a severe need for
attention, if deprived long enough, he makes mistakes.
BJ : HEY, CAN'T WE TALK THIS OVER?!
Winston : Not now. It's Miller (tm) Time!
BJ : YOU GUYS DON'T KNOW HOW TO PARTY! LET ME OUT AND WE'LL HAVE A GREAT TIME! [silence] LOSERS! NICE #$%@^#* GHOST TRAP! HONK! HONK!
- Paul Golba
Vinkman wakes up...he realizes that once again, the poltergeist has vanquished his mighty team of spectral terminators. But how did Beetlejuice cram that goat in there? This time, however, they will not cross the streams. Oh no, they most definitely will NOT cross the streams...
Vinkman wakes Egon and says, "About that level 2 poltergeist we're scheduled to clean up today, how about this time we realign the warp core conduits so the streams can polarize a different tachyon frequency? (gratuitous Star Trek techno-babble reference(tm))
Egon replies,"Um, sure Peter, but how did you learn so much about paranormal particle physics in one night? And what do you mean by 'this time.'"
"Oh, um, never mind about that. Bad Chinese food. Can it be done?"
"Yeah, uh, sure Peter..."
"You are SO much the man! And, by the way, Egon: watch out for the goat..."
Yes, thought Vinkman, by the powers of Groundhog Day(tm), he will defeat "The Beetlejuice" oh yes....
Those Nuclear Accelerator Gizmos On Their Backs. If they can roast a rampaging 200-foot sugar-based snack food, they can certanly take care of a dead guy with a bad makeup job.
The Ectomobile What's Beetlejuice got for transportation? Nada, if I remember the movie correctly. The ectomobile's got all kinds of gadgets on there. Doesn't matter what they do, they're gadgets. When you've got gadgets versus a lack of gadgets, gadgets will win.
- DJ Scotty G
"Quick, Winston, get the trap under him!"
"I thought you had the trap, Ray!"
"He's breaking free. We'd better go to Plan B."
"What's Plan B?"
"Run for it!"
They bolt through the door. Beetlejuice cruises after them, but a small box on the threshold opens, and he is irresistably sucked inside. The trap closes, and Peter steps out of hiding, pumping his fist.
"Now that the job is done, I get the gratitude of the hot, black-clad babe upstairs, while you, Winston, and Egon head back to -- Egon? Where are you, Egon?"
One floor above, a raven-haired beauty checks out her visitor. "Smart, yet quiet," she says, tracing a sensuous finger across the metal plate on Egon's mouth. "Kinda sexy. Stick around. I'll go find a can opener."
- Call me Shane
- Brian J. Prisco (The Other White Meat)
Beetlejuice gives Winona Ryder a call, and she arrives in a flash of light. When Venkman sees her, his jaw drops and he spends the rest of the scene trying to get her into bed. Ray and Egon try to use their proton beams on Beetlejuice, but he'll nimbly dodge and trick them into crossing the beams. Life for them will stop instantaneously and every molecule in their bodies will explode at the speed of light.
Leaving Tully one-on-one against the monster. As Beetlejuice advances on him, and in his darkest hour, Rick Moranis will pull this one out. He bursts into song, "Suddenly Seymour, is standing beside you..." Beetlejuice, momentarily confused, will gawk as Moranis slips on a ring and uses the Schwartz to give Beetlejuice a pain he hasn't felt since he was alive. Then he'll whip out the shrink ray, and voila, "Honey, I Shrunk Beetlejuice." As he steps on the miniscule ghoul, he'll recite the key phrase: "Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, ya hoser!"
"We came, we saw, *I* kicked its ass!"
Unfortunately I am forced to retract my previous vote due to the fact that the 'quick, grisly death' was my own, when I told my WIFE I voted for Beetlejuice instead of the Ghostbusters. Thus I am determined to say that the Ghostbusters, all of them bachelors, would have easily beaten the wanting-to-get-married-and-thus-inherently-flawed-and- unstable-and-prone-to-suicidal-tendencies Beetlejuice.
Besides, when he had children, they would demand that he be nothing BUT the K-mart kiddie Carousel.... no pythons, no sandworms, nothin; just that music echoing forever, forever, forever.
- Happily Married.....really....
- Gozer the Barbarian
and poof! the plate leaves Egon's mouth and they all go back to have a restful night. that is until they go to their next to on thier vacation... Whipstaff Manor and Casper, the Friendly Ghost, and his uncles - Stretch, Stinky and Fastso (insert obligatory Ghostbusters music here)
- Vinnie Mondaro
1. Winona Ryder. Sure, Beetlejuice doesn't get the girl, but you have to appreciate the effort. To imagine, Bill Murray goes gaga for Sig. Weaver? She's got the figure of Kate Moss after fasting for lent. Either his eyesight is terribly poor or Venkman's got a poor grip on reality.
2. The Sequel Factor. I think it goes without saying that the quality of a movie in a series decreases in inverse proportion to it's relative position in said series. Assuming that this match was being filmed, then it would be the first sequel for Beetlejuice, but the second for the Ghostbusting team. Even if it only sucks half as bad as Ghostbusters:II, that's still worse then Keaton in "Gung Ho".
(apologies to Harold Ramis)
- Joe Valenzuela
Fight prediction: the fat, wheezing trio go down in 10 minutes before the might of Beetlejuice.
But this time, it's not going to happen. There's just no way that Beetlejuice can hold up against the Ghostbusters. Reasons:
1) Special Powers
True, Beetlejuice has special powers, but so did Vigo. The 'Busters didn't even need to break a sweat. Well, i guess Akroyd did.
2) Special Weapons
The 'Busters have weapons specifically made for busting ghosts, i.e. busting Beetlejuice.
3) The Ghostbusters Theme Song
The song specifically states that the Ghostbusters "ain't afraid of NO ghost". it doesn't say they "ain't afraid of no ghost except Beetlejuice". Therefore, BJ has lost the element of fear, the only advantage he may have had.
4) Rick Moranis
Rick Moranis isn't around to screw stuff up, so the 'Busters will have even LESS trouble than they had with anyone else.
5) Beetlejuice Himself
After seeing that the current match-up is so unfairly slanted against him, Michael Keaton will refuse to play Beetlejuice, and the studio will be forced to cast Val Kilmer as "The NEW Beetle- juice". Val will of course be even wimpier than the original BJ.
In the end, nobody but Ernie Hudson even needs to suit up.
With that kind of firepower, do you think Beetlejuice has a chance?! Uh-uh, baby... "The Ghost with the Most" is gonna be "The Ghost turned to Toast!"
- Chris Knight
You get the picture. Ghostbusters, 90 minutes.
- Dave C.
However, when Bill Murray finally arrives (having been delayed by an elephant and a box office as sluggish as Harold Ramis's for STUART©), the comedy dream team will finally be together again (minus Dan Akroyd, who's off pretending John Belushi's still alive and singing "She caught the Katy") All of the movie going public will cheer and celebrate as Bill and Harold compete against Beetlejuice on the second day of February.
Having to fight the battle a second time will be okay for Beetlejuice, but the third time, he will be replaced by Val Kilmer, who will mistake the Ghostbusters for lions, zulus, and Michael Douglas. Even after the Val Kilmer Beetlejuice defeats the Ghostbusters, it will have to happen again, and the George Clooney beetlejuice will be wondering how in the world he could possibly hope to bed Michelle Pfeiffer on this ONE FINE DAY.
The ghostbusters take advantage of George Clooney's confusion, and along with Michael Crichton and NBC, the ghostbusters put Beetlejuice out to pasture.
A new comedy called GROUNDHOGJUICE starring Bill Murray and directed by an energized Harold Ramis breaks new box office records. ER features a new actor, CHEECH MARIN, to replace George Clooney on thursday nights. Val Kilmer does an unsuccesful movie as a GOOD COP, while Michael Keaton stars in HEAT II.
And the Los Angeles House of Blues™ collapses on Dan Akroyd whens he runs out of chicken wings and begins to eat support pillars in the building designed like a Bayou shack.
The only chance Beetlejuice would have is if he was able to get Winona Ryder to stride across the scene in front of Peter, but even then he would still have the two "science geeks" that don't pay attention to women to deal with.
- Donnie Sewell
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