World Wide Web Fights presents

WWWF Logo by Dan Willis

The Setting

It's a hot summer's afternoon in New York's Central Park. Thousands of shirtless teenagers stand shoulder to shoulder amidst the odors of sweat, pot, and Reduced Fat (tm) snacks. The final, searing chords of a blinding rendition of "Cat Scratch Fever" hang in the air like a thick fog as the crowd lets up a mighty roar. What event makes this odd scene possible? It's Lotsamethuselah '96 (tm), the annual world wide tour of aging hard rock and heavy metal stars!

The emcee, Dr. Johnny Fever, steps up to the microphone. "Sorry, fellow babies, but there's going to be a slight delay." Boos fill the park. "Apparently, Spinal Tap's drummer blew up, so they won't be able to perform today." More boos. "It'll be a few minutes before Grand Funk Railroad can come out, so in the meantime I've got some backstage passes to give away." For lack of a better idea, Fever throws the passes into the mosh pit right in front of the stage. A melee ensues, which quickly diminishes into four people fighting for the two passes.

"Let go, dude. I totally need those passes to hang with Iron Maiden!"

"Right! As if! I'm going to see Aerosmith!"

Fever, observing the stalemate, says, "Looks like we got a problem, babies. How do you suggest we settle the winner?" First faintly, and then louder and louder the crowd begins to chant: "Tag-team, tag-team, tag-team." A circle forms with Bill and Garth being ushered to the sides. Ted and Wayne remain in the middle to begin the tag-team battle for the passes.

So, Steve, who ends up face down in the mud and who gets to shoot-the-shit with the surviving members of Blue Oyster Cult?

Wayne and Garth, Wayne's World Bill and Ted, Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure

Wayne & Garth


Bill & Ted

The Commentary

STEVE: There are a lot of variables in this match, so it's a tough one to decide. Factors such as George Carlin, telephone booths, Tia Carrere, and the AMC Pacer (tm) could all come into play and seriously affect the outcome. However, in the absence of any external aid, I have to side with Wayne & Garth. There are numerous reasons for this.

Let's face it: Bill and Ted are both clueless and wimpy. All they do is sit in their garage and dream about rock stardom. They have no aggressiveness or physical ability. They are so dense as to not be able to pass high school history. The only reason Bill and Ted ever succeeded at anything is because they had help from the future. On the other hand, Wayne and Garth are much more aggressive and can stand on their own two (4?) feet -- they actually have instruments and attempt to play them. They have actually been in bars and have seen bar room brawls. They have a much clearer concept of what fighting is about. Wayne & Garth always persevere because of their own efforts.

As an aside, one question which continually has been entering my mind involves allowing external influences: Telephone-booth induced time travel vs. The "alternative ending". For example, if Wayne & Garth win, then Bill & Ted could go back in time and arrange it so W&G would lose instead. However, if Wayne & Garth then lost, a second outcome could be added to the match so that Wayne & Garth won after all. As you can see, we are then put in a paradoxical loop, and the outcome can never be decided. Kind of reminds me of a Star Trek episode.

BRIAN: Unable to find any logical explanations to back-up your clearly pre-existing W&G bias, you resort to confusing Warp-in-the-Space-Time-Continuum (tm) discussions in an attempt to cloud the issue. Well, I will not be distracted! And neither will our overly astute viewers. Bill and Ted are gonna romp in this one. I see Ted and Wayne as about a draw at first: they knock each other around for awhile and then look for a replacement when they get tired. Then enters Garth. Game, Set, Match. Are we forgetting how completely inept Garth is at practically anything, aside from playing drums? Only men survive in the mosh pit; and while a lot of people are more manly than Bill, Garth wouldn't have a prayer against Shaggy.

And let's face it, Bill is pretty fanatical about his music. He really wants to see Iron Maiden (tm). And no little punk is gonna stand in his way. This is a guy that travelled all over time just to pass a class! Don't you think he's willing to do a Piledriver (tm) or two on Garth for something much more valuable? Let's face facts, Steve: a chain is only as strong as it's weakest link. And Garth is as weak as they get.

STEVE: First of all, you seriously underestimate Garth. True, he may be a bit goofy, but there is a lot of pent-up RAGE (tm) hiding beneath the surface. He is undoubtedly a wiry and wily bastard, and will easily defeat either Bill or Ted. Plus he also has those drumsticks as weapons. Second, I don't think Bill & Ted are that desperate to see Iron Maiden. All they really care about are the Wyld Stallyns (tm). On the other hand, Wayne & Garth completely idolize other rock groups, and would go to any lengths to see them. Do I have to bring up the "I'm not worthy" bit? We have seen to what lengths they will go to see their idols -- even drive to Milwaukee (cringe) if need be.

The way I see it, Wayne will beat on Ted for a while. Eventually Ted will be reduced to a heap on the ground. Growing tired of this, Wayne will tag off to Garth, who will also enjoy kicking Ted while he's down. In his Moment of Glory (tm), while showboating to the mosh-pit crowd, Ted will sneak off and tag Bill. Bill comes in with a surprise hit on Garth. The pent-up RAGE (tm) bursts forth, and Garth sends Bill back to the stone age river (figuratively, not literally). With both foes defeated, Wayne & Garth claim their prize and mingle with the Lotsamethuselah (tm) stars.

BRIAN: It's seems that you wield The Rage (tm) as if it were a trump card. As if nothing can defeat it. Now, with your patented overuse, The Rage (tm) has become a shadow of it's former self, joining other inappropriately overused words and phrases such as "extremists," "best-ever," and "I deny any wrongdoing." Well, I for one can take no more! Excuse me, but Garth with The Rage??!! I don't think so! The guy just grew pubes last year! Anyone who's that scared of Wayne's impression of The Leprechaun (tm) can't have The Rage! And even if he did have any Rage, it was long since released after he got to know Kim Basinger (Biblically speaking). If anyone DOESN'T have The Rage, it is Garth (and Mary Poppins).

Garth is useless. While Wayne has shown he can fight somewhat, that was against some old guy and was over a woman! (And what a woman! Schwing! (tm)) No way Wayne gets that worked up over Aerosmith, whom he and Garth have met and partied with on SEVERAL occasions. Heck, they were even in his basement once. Bill & Ted, on the other hand, while they have hung with So-Crates, have yet to meet their true idols: Iron Maiden, KISS, Metallica, et al. It is these bands that they have longed to meet (not Wyld Stallyns! They ARE Wyld Stallyns (tm)). Their motivation will be the strongest. Those passes will be theirs. Oh, yes! They will be theirs.

The Results

Wayne & Garth(646)


Bill & Ted (581)

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Voter Comments

Response of the Week (tm)

I'd give Wayne & Garth the edge just because their sequel wasn't totally bogus, but I think the whole thing's gonna go another way. The fight will degenerate into a lot of trash talking, like every fight, and once the "your mother" this and "yeah, your mother that" comments start getting thrown around, it's gonna come out that both Bill and Garth's moms are totally hot...Ted and Wayne'll start describing every curve, every nuance, of the yummy mummies in question, and after enduring the taunts of their confreres silently for years, Bill and Garth, no longer alone in their shame, will finally have the courage to stand up and say, "You bastard, that's my $#@%%%$@$ MOTHER you're talking about!" Talk about the Rage (tm). Ted and Wayne don't stand a chance. After all, you gotta draw the line at mom.

- Denis McGrath

ROTW(tm) Silver Medal Winner (tm)

You want to know who'll win? I'll TELL you who'll win: Bob and Doug McKenzie.

That's right, the ORIGINAL loser duo with their own cable show and idiosyncratic slang (remember hosing, anyone?) have the RAGE (tm) in SPADES. They've been canned. They're out in the cold. They've been split up, with Bob (Rick Moranis) appearing in endless "Honey..." Disney pap and Doug (Dave Thomas) in GRACE UNDER FIRE, for the love of God.

They've watched the parasitic ripoff merchants Bill, Ted, Wayne and Garth grow fat on the money of the young-white-male-couch-potato market THEY carefully cultivated. They've heard "Excellent!" and "Shyeah, right!" rob "hosehead" of a place in the Shorter Oxford Dictionary. It's PAYBACK TIME. No sooner will the match begin then the McKenzies will jump into the ring and start braining people with microphone stands.

Then again, they probably couldn't get the bus fare from Canada together, so what the hey, I'll vote for Bill & Ted.

- Robin Shortt, Australia

ROTW(tm) Bronze Medal Winner (tm)

Put quite simply: the entire multiverse is on Bill and Ted's side. God. Satan. Death. The past. The future. EVERYONE likes Bill and Ted. Who do Wayne and Garth have? The residents of Aurora, the toughest of which appears to be Al Bundy. Bill and Ted by a landslide.

- The Hudsons

Right from the bell, Wayne and Garth come out fighting : they manage to give quite a beating to Bill & Ted, killing them. But as we know, this cannot stop the two. They challenge the reaper to a game of foosball, and win a convincing 12 - 3 match. The reaper, takes them back to earth just as Wayne and Garth start to go backstage. In their haste, they forget to realize that Bill and Ted are now alive, and ready to kick butt, with the help of Napoleon, Genghis Khan and the reaper. Napoleon, though is swept up by the mosh pit, as is the reaper, and in the confusion, Genghis overhears that "Twinkies" are being served in the party backstage. Genghis gets Mongolian on Wayne and Garth's ass (and their attempt to beat the reaper at a game of street hockey is inept at best), so Bill and Ted come away the winners.

- Ted K

Wayne and Garth will win, because they are big hockey fans. Anyone who patronizes Stan Mikitas's Doughnuts and wears a Blackhawks shirt has observed one of the biggest cementheads, who usually led the NHL in penalty minutes, Keith Magnuson. They've learned how to fight by studying those master brawlers--hockey players. Bill and Ted wouldn't know how to counterattack when Wayne & Garth slam them into the turnbuckles, just like slamming Gretzky into the boards. Bill and Ted are clueless, athletically. They had Joan of Arc, a feisty wench, doing aerobics, for crying out loud!!

After a two minute penalty for high-sticking, Wayne & Garth (who play without helmets, obviously) knock out Bill & Ted by undercutting them at the knees, then falling on them, with a pin to the mat.

- lynnmh

Bill and Ted will start out strong,but half way through the fight Missy will walk by. Ted will then be distracted and start talking about how he asked Missy to the prom. Bill will be Pummeled in mid "Shut up b--". Wayne and Garth will now be free to remove the ticket from Ted.

- Ryan P Kelly

"...huh huh huh, those guys fight like girls."
"Yeah, kick him in the nads, heh heh heh."
"They're wusses...I bet you could even kick their ass, Beavis"
"Shut up, Butt-Head, or I'll kick your ass!"
"Settle down, Beavis...Woah, back stage passes!" (Butt-Head picks up the
passes that are being ignored by the combatants, and they walk back
"Heh, heh, heh, cool we can go meet Lita Ford!"
"Yeah, we're gonna score." 
- Daniel Gardner
Brian seems to keep going on about how Garth is the weakest one in the ring, but need I remind you that he goes to shows armed. Lest we forget the electro-shock prod utilized at the metal club in WW1. He took out that big bear at the bar with one tap. Even if he doesn't have that with him, I think that Wayne is a competent enough fighter to take out Bill and Ted. He may have been fighting an old guy in WW2, but that guy was right out of Mortal Kombat. I mean, those aerial maneuvers were just incredible. He even has the ability to dub his own voice. (which I think would be more than enough to keep B&T entertained (distracted) as he kicks the crap out of them) Hands down, it's Wayne and Garth that emerge victorious, barring any interference on the part of the previously mentioned Rufus.

- Ian

If we're going to look at the subject of RAGE(tm), Bill S. Preston should be the one just FULL of rage. Sure, Wayne and Garths' careers have been on a downturn ever since the first wayne's world film, but that's par for the course for SNL people. Bill, on the other hand, has had to watch his best pal Ted go on to huge moviestardom...he kicked Dennis Hopper's ass, hung out with Henry Rollins, he even got to become a Good Robot Him! Bill....Bill got a show on MTV for about ten minutes. Oh, he is filled with RAGE(tm). Never mind the fact that Bill and Ted both had a comic book written and drawn by Evan Dorkin, creator of Milk & Cheese, who are the very dairy embodiment of RAGE(tm). And if you're going to use the sexual tension RAGE(tm) arguement, I have one word: MISSY.

- Chris Eckert

Bill and Ted already beat Death! (OK, it was at Battleship, but still, that's more impressive than defeating Rob Lowe).

Ultimately, I think that Wayne, Garth, Bill and Ted would talk to the security guard (who looks strangely like Chris Farley) and manage to all get backstage.

- Rick

After about 35 seconds of careful consideration, I had to side with Bill & Ted. Why? They did Loser Gen-Xer first, long before Wayne & Garth ever saw the light of day on SNL. They are on a first name basis (so to speak) with the Reaper, a past WWWF winner. They are fated to bring peace on earth via Wyld Stallyns (tm), and won't let 2 goofballs from the midwest stand in the way of those free passes. And, as was pointed out, there is the matter of the time machine. If they lose, Ted can remember to go back in time and get Tonya Harding to whack Wayne & Garth across the shins prior to the match.

- sandra

Wayne looks at Garth..."How totally uncool, Garth. Let's get em!"
Garth looks at the camera worriedly and says "I don't know man, what if we get in the fight and I hurl?"
"No sweat, muchacho. You won't have to blow chunks."

Bill and Ted look on in stupified amazement as Wayne sets up his elegant Flying Crane manuever. "Bill, I think we're about to get our butts kicked!" says Ted in an awed voice. "No way, dude!" says Bill. "Way," says Ted. "Let's get outta here! RUFUS!" Bill and Ted shout together. Suddenly, miraculously, a telephone booth pops up out of the sidewalk, and Bill and Ted rush into it and disappear into a cloud of smoke, leaving the tickets to flutter to the ground. Wayne rubs his knuckles on his shirt and smiles. "Piece of cake."
"What geeks," says Garth, and grabs the tickets.
"Look out Aerosmith. Here we come! We're not worthy! We're not worthy!" Wayne begins to chant......

- jfris

Wayne has the experience of Marrying an Axe Murderer, no doubt picking up invaluable survival skills in the process. However, Ted has dealings with (a) mad bombers (b) buses which can perform leaps even the Dukes of Hazzard would shy from (c) surfing bank robbers (d) the undead (admittedly, he loses points for his accent) and (e) cyberthugs who wish to pick his brains. Clearly, experience favours Theodore "Jacking-in-to-creatures-of-the-night-at-55mph, Dude" Logan.

- John Hunter

Bill and Ted are surfer dudes, and their only physical activity is the playing of air guitar...Wayne and Garth, on the other hand, are HOCKEY PLAYERS!! (Granted, it's only street hockey, but hockey nonetheless) Wayne would have Bill's shirt up over his head in no time, rendering Bill defenseless to Wayne's pummelling. And any protests by Ted would be met with a patented Bob Probert elbow to the mouth by Garth. So the hockey skills (not to mention the fact that W & G are Blackhawk fans - Chelios, Probert, Roenick...) Give W & G all the brawling skills they would ever need against B & T (B & T are probably Mighty Ducks fans).

- Wade Buehler, Berwick, PA

Hell [W&G] probably couldn't take on the poor king Midas let alone DEATH! Nope i say B&T easily.

- Anonymous, University of Michigan

Who, in their right mind, would get into a brawl to impress two nappy '80's chicks like B&T's women? Not even B&T.

B&T COULD (and probably would) use their phone booth to meet their idols anytime they wanted--no pun intended. They have no logical reason to fight (not that they're noted for their skills of mental reasoning). W&G have to get tickets, passes, etc. to see their idols. They HAVE a reason to fight!

- Hilary Blythe Fraser

Wayne and Garth will win, due in part to their rebellious attitude towards authority. A disgruntled police officer, fed up with "I smell bacon" jokes, will finally snap. In this demented state of mind, he will rig a city bus to explode if it goes under 50 mph. Upon hearing of this, Ted will run off to save the helpless citizens, leaving Bill to be pounded by Wayne and Garth.

- Brian Rush

Garth and the Amazing Portable Cattle Prod in 5 seconds.

- Rajski

If I must chose a winner, it has to be Bill & Ted. Wayne & Garth just don't have the necessary desire to go to the concert in reality. They'll be content to just sit on their couch, wave their hands in front of their faces and chant, "Duhduleedoo-duhduleedoo-duhduleedoo-duhduledoo"(tm), and just fantasize about the concert. Meanwhile, Bill & Ted will settle for nothing less than the real thing. Of course, the most plausible scenario is that Wayne and Ted will realize what losers their respective sidekicks are and will just nab the tickets and go to the concert together. Alas, a new American Icon Pair (tm) will be born.

- D.T.B.

w&g will definitely win because Tia Carrere might sneak Wayne one of those laser rifles she smuggled from the Deadalus Encounter.

- John Moore

Never mimd the two idiotic duos (TM); this match, like most others before it will be decided by the always unpredictable "Babe Factor" (TM). Think about it: Would any of the four fighters really make an all-out effort to win? NO. After a few minutes they would tire out and get bored, just like everyone should on the infamous MTV generation.

Next on the tag-team roster is Cassandra vs. the two princesses. Need I say more? Cassandra, the (schwing) BABE!! has kicked two party animals's butts just because they spilled their drinks at her (or something like that), while all the princesses can do is scream and faint.

Cassandra, by walk-over, after the "guys fight" (TM) which lasted about ten minutes.

- Carlo Dezerega

This will be Bill and Ted, without a doubt. Anyone who has died, gone to hell, Melvined (R) Death, and then mugged people in Heaven, is not going to be pushed around by the likes of Wayne and Garth. Wayne and Ted may be fairly evenly matched, but Garth will succomb to Bill S. Preston, Esquire. Besides, Bill and Ted aren't completely unfamiliar with bar brawls. They managed to tangle with some pretty mean dudes in the old west while rescuing Billy the Kid, not to mention the armored knights and the Royal Ugly Dude (R) from the Middle Ages. True, these fights were fairly one-side against our boys, but Wayne and Garth would not have been any better in these confrontations.

Bill and Ted take it in 30 minutes.

- Tim Chesson

Dearest Cornell students,

I currently live in a suburb of Milwaukee and am quite dissatisfied with the little (cringe) remark.

- Tim Getschow

The key to the fight is creativity. Wayne and Garth have never been creative. Bill and Ted on the other hand have that 'creative spirit'(tm) which has helped them on many occasions. Building 'good robot uses'(tm) to whomp on the 'bad robot uses'(tm), pulling figures from history for a history report, giving Death a millie to escape, and on and on and on and on, longer than the Energizer Bunny.

Even if outside influences are taken away officially, and I don't see how the Dr. could do that, Bill and Ted will come up with a way to fannagle those outside influences into the fight.

Bill and Ted win in 1.4 seconds.

- Mark

No self-respecting chick would boff Wayne, Garth (aah!) or Bill....but most would consider giving Ted a class in chandelier 101...major potential.

- Via™

You know, it all really boils down to one thing: who in God's name could really be that excited about seeing Aerosmith in person? The match goes to Bill and Ted out of desperation.

- Paul D. Jones

Let's take a good look the past accomplishments of this match up. Bill & Ted made 2 movies. They successfully navigated through time with only a phone book to help them. They composed music that inspires people in the future to form a perfect society. They even beat death... more than once I might add. Now Wayne & Garth--they made 1 movie. That's right, ONE! Anyone who has seen Wayne's World 2 and has a clue must realize that it had to have been made with out-takes from the original. Second, they had their own television show... Ya right, as if. Their television show was nothing more than time filler between Deep Thoughts and The Weekend Update on NBC's Saturday Night Live. With these facts in mind how could anyone doubt that Bill & Ted would devour Wayne & Garth.

- Kay AcKerson

In this contest, the only relevent factor is whose ability to manipulate the outcome of the movie is more powerful. I.E.:

The time traveling phone booth VS. Multiple plot outcome selection.

To the Ring. Ted: "After we win, we setup the tranquizer gun to shoot Wayne just as the opening bell rings! Yaaaaaa! (Air Guitar (TM) fill in here). Bell rings, Wayne's out cold, Garth falls to Bill & Ted in 20 seconds (even with 2:1, B&T still need time for their hits to take effect).

But Wait! Suddenly were back to Wanye's basement! Dodldodldodldodldodloot. W: "Wow that ending really sucked!" G:"Yeah! It blew big chucks!" W:"It was a total chunks onslaught!" G:"Chunkasaurus Rex!" ...(Ad Nauseum) W:"Lets see the totaly cool ending! Dodldodldodloot......"

Back to the ring... The trank gun misfires and explodes. Ted: "Whoa dude! It totaly misfired and exploded!" Bill: "Yeah Dude! Lets set up a garbage can to fall on Garth's Head!" Can falls on Bill instead and he becomes totaly disoriented. Wayne suddenly begins speaking in Dubbed Kung-Fu Movie-eesse, and unloades a can of WhompAss (TM) on Ted. W&G in 7 seconds.

But wait! Seeing defeat of his idols, Carlin travels to Wayne's basement, with his telephone booth containing Ozzy Ozbourne, Aerosmith, KISS, Alice Cooper, and Claudia Schiffer (SHWINGG!). Carlin explains the entire premisies of the B&T movies, and that all of these people will be W&G's personal slaves for a day IF they throw the fight. W&G graiciously accept the bribe.

Return to Ring: Wayne falls to Bill in 2 Seconds. Victory for BILL & TED!!!!!!!

- Kevin G.

FIRST, if you remember the first Bill & Ted movie, the part where they were in medieval England, I believe. In that scene, Bill thought that Ted was killed by this evil knight. In response, Bill was able to defeat that knight! And if Bill can do that, he AND Ted could surely beat the schwing out of Wayne & Garth!

SECOND, Bill was a vampire ("The Lost Boys"), and he could surely suck the blood out of Garth, who was a scared, amnesiac detective. ("Clean Slate")

- Victor C. Gonzales, El Monte, California

Bill and Ted don't even stand a chance. Match goes as follows: Wayne invites both opponents into the mosh-pit as the bell rings. Wayne then allows B&T to corner him in the W&G corner. Suddenly, Wayne and Garth start waving their arms and emitting "do-do-do"(tm) noises. The high school duo's vision blurs as the Wayne's World(tm) Dream Sequence(tm) takes over their bodies. Their thoughts become occupied with the sexy brunette in 5th period chemistry amidst troubling thoughts of Garth's "package"(tm). Wayne and Garth spend the night and next day partying with the rockers. After the concert, the janitor notices Bill and Ted lying on the floor in the fetal position, nudges them awake with his broom and calls security to throw them out. They schlump home with nothing but a headache and the still troubling thoughts of Garth's "package"(tm).

- Mitch

Wayne and Garth will win- they will use the Scooby-Doo ending, pulling off the masks on Bill and Ted, and finding that they are really shrivelled up old ladies who are working with Pinky and the Brain in Brain's latest plot to take over the world.

- Keith Pepin

Three words : homemade gigawatt tazer

- Ian Kennedy

Obviously, the most important factor has been overlooked - conditioning. W&G from more extreme Northern climates, will enter with superior resistance to the elements. B&T...Southern California, probably? Not! W&G, with their hockey background and experience, will deliver and absorb punishment on the two gnarly time travellers. W&G are winners going away.

- Milton C. Johns

Bill hits Garth in the stomach. Garth "herls" on him. It's between Wayne and Ted now. Ted punces Wayne, and exclaims, "Your numbers up dude!" Wayne comes back up and kicks him with a cry of, "Yeah , and later on monkies are gonna fly outta my butt!" Ted gets back up and the two fight for quite along time untill Wayne says, "I give up." "Alright!", screams Ted. "NOT!!!" Wayne grabs Ted. Wayne says, "It's time you left Ted. Didda-la-lo Didd-la-lo." and Ted dissapears. 'EXCELLENT!!!", Wayne and Garth scream. "Don't worry Bill", says Garth. "You put a great fight." "I did?!" exclaims Bill. "FISHED IN!!!" Wayne and Gath scream. They then go off to party.


Let's look at the head-to-head competition. On one side, we've got Tia Carrere and Kim Basinger. On the other side, you have Sondra Bullock. And that's going to an outside flick. Granted, Sondra's very cute, but can she stack up to both Tia and Kim? I don't think so. Therefore, Wayne and Garth win.

It's Bills fault. If he had a Hollywood babe on his side, it could even things out. If I were his agent for this fight, I'd suggest picking up someone like Jamie Lee Curtis. We already know she stacks up well against Tia Carrere. That would leave Sondra vs. Kim and I think most people on the net would go with speed in that match-up.

- Stephen L. Schultz, Rochester, NY

Should anyone doubt that Garth has no RAGE (tm)? "Who's hurting you Mister Donut Man?! REE! REE! REE! REE!" (tm) This in itself is not enough to vanquish Bill 'n' Ted, but if Stan Mikita should show up to protect his loyal customers, the Wyld Stallyns (tm) will get Horse Whipped (tm). Party Time! Excellent! (tm)


Well - first of all, Have you ever noticed a strange resemblance between George Carlin and "Dr." Johnny Fever (tm) (aka: John Caravella, Johnny Sunshine, etc (tm))? I think they're the same person (like Michael and LaToya (AND Tito)). Why do you think George Carlin was never a guest on WKRP in Cincinnati (tm)? Coincidence? I think not!

For George Carlin to help our Wyld (tm) duo, he would compromise his alter ego, mild mannered (read: comatose) disc jockey, Johnny. In fact, certain industry (tm) insiders tell me (I hear them, really!) that George Carlin's album "What Am I Doing In New Jersey?" (tm) was originally to be called "What Am I Doing In Ohio?" but was thought to be a little too close for the CIA (tm) not to notice.

Furthermore, Spinal Tap's (tm) new drummer(s) was none other than "Station!" (tm) who blew up before finishing Bill & Ted's (tm) "Good robot mosh-fighter us's" (tm).

Not even Death (tm) can save them now.

- Nick Bucci

Even if, somehow, bill & ted came up with some way of foiling chop-socky campbell, garth would come off the sidelines and wreak havoc. how? rearrange "The Rage!" and you get "EE! Garth". it's predestined. Wayne & Garth are hanging backstage waxing on the origins of Methuselah with none other than Molly Hatchet (featuring one original roadie!)

- gwymer

This battle comes down to one of upbringing. Wayne & Garth are from Aurora, Ill. A do nothing, middle of nowhere, the most exciting thing to happen around here is the rocking chair festival, butthole suburb. Bill and Ted on the other hand hail from that giant bastion of urban decay called southern California. There really is no such thing as a suburb in southern California, it is one giant crime ridden cesspool. While Wayne & Garth were busy playing one on one street hockey and dodging the UPS (tm) truck, Bill and Ted were getting into a brawl with some homeboys down at the Circle K (tm). Wayne and Garth go crying back to their comfy beds and public access tv studio, while Bill and Ted go party with Iron Maiden. "Most excellent, dude" (tm).

- Colonel Kilgore

The match begins with the two tough guys, Wayne and Bill. Before the rumbling begins, Bill is distracted by Wayne's mom, who has shown up to see Winger. Bill quickly turns on the charm and asks her to the prom(tm). Tia Carrere hits the stage to watch, and Wayne goes into a dream sequence (dedeledeldu, dedeledlu), and is lost for the duration of the match.

So Garth and Ted are left to duke it out. Since it is clear that neither of these 2 could possibly fight to save their soul, the match must be settled in another way--a thumb war. Garth, a power drummer, is ready and takes out Ted, a horrid guitarist, for a quick 3 count.

Garth nabs the passes, gives one to dream girl(tm) and heads backstage.

- josh

[camera zooms in to a buck-toothed creep with a bad haircut while last riffs of `Whole Lotta Love' fade out]

DL: "We're back! Woo-hoo! Ha! Eeeeyyyyaaahh! Anyways... Paul, have I told you how wonderful you look in that dress tonight?"

PS: "No, but thank you, Dave."

DL: "And that Minnie Pearl hat? with the price tag? Perfection! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a very, very special guest for you now. Hes has been doing comedy since... Since when Paul?"

PS: "Uh..."

DL: "Never mind since when. He has been making generations of us laugh. Please welcome to the frosty Ed Sullivan Theatre, George Carlin!"

[audience claps and hoots maniacally as Carlin reaches his spot]

GC: "Many years ago, I did a bit that got me in a lot of trouble with network executives. Since my career has been sagging lately, I thought I'd piss off a few people again."

[audience laughs inappropriately]

GC: "Here are the seven words you can't say on television:"

[network censors ready their fingers to bleep out anything emanating form Carlin's mouth]

GC: "Wayne and Garth declared Grudge Match winners."

DL: "That's all the time we have for tonight! Good night folks!"

[Schaeffer and the band cover a Wyld Stallyons song while Carlin shuffles off stage muttering to himself about Scooby-doo endings, the lack of blue food, and how he wants to find the time travelling phone booth]

- HotBranch!

I'm sorry to say Wayne and Garth loose to the time traveling Bill and Ted. If it were not for Rufus this would be one big paradox of time travel and alternate endings with Bill and Ted being too stupid to know how to stop them. When Rufus their contact from the future shows up, he gives them an idea. Bill and Ted go forward in time and attack Wayne and Garth as they are going to die of old age in the future. They bring the corpses back in time and show wayne and Garth their eventual fate. Garth freaks out thinking this battle will rage until old age and panics running away, Wayne follows him trying to calm him down. Bill and Ted win only because of Rufus, without him the slightly smarter Wayne and Garth would find a way to win.

- Joshua Jarvis

Wayne and Ted face off. They bow to each other a few dozen times, maybe even knocking heads a few times like 2/3 of the Stooges. Then Garth yells from the sidelines "Hey Wayne! These guys are WYLD STALLYNS!". Yes, Bill and Ted finally got a most bodacious band together at the end of their Bogus Journey, with the aforementioned Grim Reaper laying down a killer bass line. Wayne and Garth fall to their knees proclaiming over and over "We're not worthy! We're not worthy!". Meanwhile the rest of the dancers in the mosh pit crowd in. W&G get heinously trampled like a bunch of British soccer fans at a Who concert. Bill and Ted rip off a most triumphant lead on air guitar, high five each other and yell "NOT BAD!". Backstage awaits!

- J Patrick Hester

Wayne and Garth have this one hands down. Ignoring such issues as Rage (tm), the Time Travel vs. Alternate Ending loop, and even either pair's desire to see their androgynous heroes in all their backstage glory and make-up, Garth and Wayne still win.

Steve is right, but he failed to mention Wayne and Garth's strongest points: ingenuity and a passion for foreign objects, respectively.

Remember, Wayne learned Cantonese in less than 10 movie minutes (which is approximately 1.35 days), and even masterminded the rescue of his girlfriend and her band from one of Satan's prettiest minions: Rob Lowe. If Wayne can outwit the EVIL ONE, Bill and Ted are mere child's play.

Then there is Garth's bar fight at the Gas Works. Granted he is a wimp, but with or without the Rage(tm), he is not one to merely hold a grudge but to act on it as well. (Recall that stun gun?) Within seconds of either Bill or Ted realizing what is going on and subsequently taking a swing at Garth, Bill or Ted will be knocked senseless with some sort of foreign object (perhaps even the venerable Dr. Johnny Fever, babies), and that will be that. Remember the Golden Rule of Wrestling: He who wields the foreign object is invincible.

- Bill Moreno

Wayne gets frustrated when he discovers that his subtitled/dubbed kung-fu/karate is ineffective against an opponent that cannot only see the future but can travel to any point in time and study with Bruce Lee. With no other options available, Wayne and Garth decide to go for the sucker punch. With the Wayne's World stage crew backing them up, they perform an even worst rendition of Y-M-C-A than they did in their last movie as Wayne looks to use the diversion to spear Bill with a hockey stick, Eric Lindros style.

Unfortunately, they forgot they are at a hard rock and heavy metal concert. We're talkin' real RAGE(tm) here. Faster than you can say, "WE'RE GOING TO TOTALLY KICK YOUR ASS, BOGUS DISCO DUDES!!!", Bill, Ted, the mosh pit, the rest of the crowd, the roadies, the security guards, Metallica and Iron Maiden themselves pounce on and beat the living daylights out of the infidels.

In the resulting riot, everyone forgets about the tickets except for a couple of braindead teenagers. Yes, the undisputed tag-team champions Beavis and Butthead head backstage to "score" with the groupie chicks. Unfortunately, the first girls they make a pass at are actually the band Poison (an understandable mistake). But that is a story for another day...

- Paul Golba

>While Garth may be as effective as a condom on a stick when it comes to fighting he can put his brilliant tactical mind to use.

>Both Wayne and Garth possess more than a double digit IQ. When we look at two of the most intelligent people in the world and see how they did on the wrestling circuit I think you'll know what I'm getting at. I am, of course, talking about the one and only Hulk Hogan and Macho Man Randy Savage.

>Finally, Wayne and Garth have Cassandra who is the Miss Elizabeth of this tag team.

Here's what's going to happen:

Ted and Wayne start eyeing each other up. Ted invites Wayne to get into to infamous wrist lock grip that so often starts off great wrestling matches such as this. Foolishly Wayne accepts against the advice of Garth who is screaming tactical directions from the ropes. Wayne shrugs off Garth's dribble as nothing - he can handle it on his own, he doesn't need Garth. He moves closer to Ted and begins to raise his hands. Quickly Ted stamps on Wayne's foot, and as wayne bends down to clutch his foot Ted delivers a forearm with blistering accuracy to his face. Wayne is now on the mat stunned. Bill is busy shouting on the sideline to Ted - he wants a piece of the action. Ted moves over to Bill and tags him. Bill climbs into the ring and they prepare for the double team. Ted climbs onto the ropes to get onto Bill's shoulders. Quick as a flash Cassandra grabs Ted from behind and throws him off the ropes and onto the thinly padded concrete floor. Having completed her mission successfully she hurriedly returns to her corner. The reff somehow missed this entire thing and lets the match continue. Bill stomps towards Wayne, (who has now realised how stupid he was for not wanting Garth's help and has made up with him, making the whole friendship stronger than ever), and dives on top of him. Just before he lands Wayane rolls miraculously out of they way and Bill lands flat on his face. Wayne gets himself up and casually stamps on the back of Bill's head two or three times. With Bill momentarily stunned, Wayne moves to tag Garth stopping briefly to to acknowledge the crowd's applause. He tags Garth and they go for the double team. While Wayne grabs Bill and incapcitates his arms and legs, Garth's repressed sexuality shines through as he bites down on Bills testicles. Screams of pain shoot from Bills mouth. At this stage the reff has paused for a bite to eat and doesn't see any of this happening. Wayne returns to the corner and starts to make out with Cassandra while Garth starts going completely spastic and gets all the kicking he can in before Bill comes to. Hearing his buddies yelps of pain Ted picks himself off the floor and runs to the rescue. He leaps into the ring and rips Garth's head off. The reff is asleep and Wayne and Cassandra are in the middle of some big lovin'. Ted throws his wasted buddie on top of Garth's lifeless, headless body and tries to wake the reff. He wakes the reff and shows him the ring, the reff jumps in and starts the three count. ONE, TWO, THR.... He stops when he notices that part of Garth is touching the rope, albeit his head which is not attached to his body but for all intents and purposes it is PART of his body, therefore he can't be counted out. In a rage, and due to his lack of IQ, rather than moving the head, he throws Garths body over the ring. Interrupted by the body of his pal landing on him, Wayne, naked and sweating, withdraws, tags his buddies hand, and returns to the ring. He exacts his revenge with a blistering show of speed and strength. Getting Ted into a full nelson he breaks both his arms then does a textbook Suplex and leaves him choking for breath on the mat. Just for fun he picks up Bill and Pile Drives the shit out of him. He lies over the top of the two of them, making sure their not touching the ropes and the reff counts them out.

The crowd is ecstatic, Wayne is naked, Bill is unconscious, Ted is writhing in agony but thinking that maybe he should try something serious or even play in a band, Garth is dead, and Cassandra is pregnant. But there is triumph in the air. The death of Garth is certainly upsetting but atleast it solved the problem of whether it would be him or Cassandra that went backstage with Wayne.

Wayne and Garth without a doubt.

- Mr Happy Pants

I recently had occasion to attend an Iron Maiden concert. Allow me to relate the goings on to you.

First, the concert organizers jammed 7500 primarily young males into half a hockey arena, the vast majority of whom were stoned and\or drunk. The band arrived and with only passing reference to the crowd, began playing. Shortly after the concert began, a fistfight began in an isolated corner of the arena. With a contagion matched only by the deadliest of viruses, other fights started erupting around the arena. Soon, slam dances and mosh pits turned in to free for alls, with the losers in the tilts being carried out on canvas stretchers before mostly disinterested concert-goers (including myself). I clearly remember one fight being waged with a chair which had been formerly bolted to the concrete. During the action, the band continued with its set, its only concern seemingly being to goad the audience into making the sign of the devil.

As the meagre security entourage quickly exceeded its capabilities in handling the violence, the concession workers from the beer table were forced into action to prevent further damage to the arena and as an afterthought, to other Iron Maiden fans. This was followed by an immediate stampede to the newly-christened "free beer table", during which the small and infirm amongst the crowd were crushed. On stage the band wound up the evening by feigning electrocution of a 30 foot tall dead man (tm). The volcanic crowd discharged into the night, tipping over cars and accosting any female passers-by.

Now, this was just an ordinary concert, featuring average Iron Maiden fans. The possibility of what diehard fans could do for face time with Maiden is truly horrifying. The backstage pass prospects would awaken a crude and base savagery in these people, who would subsequently render all opponents into their constituent elements, and probably discorporate themselves in the ensuing blood lust.

Bill and Ted in a walk.

-Thinkmaster General

In fact, neither contestant has the Will (TM, Nietzsche), the RAGE (TM, Steve), or even the _ability_ to fight effectively. None have scrapped it out viciously with any opponent; Garth's only victory was due to his handy abilities as a tech-wizard to craft a cattle prod (more on this later.) By themselves, the four would end up taunting each other ("Shaaah, As if!" "Bogus, dude!" "Ex-squeeze me? Baking Soda?") and making silly hand gestures (the air guitar riff and the hair behind the ears, respectively).

This leads to a match-up of Other Factors. When two great football teams compete, real clever newspapers put lists of offense, defense, special teams, pass rush, etc and rate the victor. Let's steal this idea.

Mode of Transport: W&G: AMC Pacer B&T: Time-travelling phone booth Analysis: While the time-travelling phone booth is certainly formidable, the AMC Pacer has also shown the ability to withstand the vagaries of time, staying as classic today as it was the day it was built back in the 70's. Future generations will use Pacers to colonize Mars. Winner: Toss-up.

Babes: W&G: Tia Carrere and Kim Basinger B&T: The Princesses Analysis: Putting aside the rather astonishing assets of Tia and Kim, the Princesses remained pure until their wedding night. Winner: W&G

Rock Band of Choice: W&G: Aerosmith B&T: Iron Maiden Analysis: Have any of these guys made a good tune since the 70's? "Jamie's Got a Gun" is the deciding (negative) factor. Winner: B&T

Movie Tunes: W&G: Bohemian Rhapsody (Queen) B&T: God Gave Rock and Roll to You (KISS) Analysis: Overplayed cool song vs. Underplayed Weak Ballad KISS is Touring, Queen isn't. Winner: B&T

Hobby: W&G: Street Hockey ("Car!" "Game On!") B&T: Sitting at the Circle K ("Something is amiss at the Circle K.") Analysis: I love them both. Winner: Too Close to Call.

Home Town: W&G: Aurora, Illinois B&T San Dimas, California Analysis: Lame suburbs, both. San Dimas is the farthest place from the ocean in all of Los Angeles. Aurora is closer to Joliet than Lake Michigan. Winner: Either place could spawn a Sartre play. Tie.

Tech Abilities: W&G: Garth can spot-weld a space shuttle from a vacuum cleaner. B&T: Can chew gum to hold together antenna. Analysis: Cattle Prod vs. Robots of Selves... Winner: W&G

Mothers: W&G: Typical midwestern housemom B&T: Missy Analysis: "Remember that time you asked your mom to Prom?" "Shut up, Ted!" Winner: B&T

Special Friends: W&G: Ed O'Neil, Rob Lowe B&T: George Carlin, Death Analysis: While Mr. Carlin was funny IN HIS PRIME, his FOX show is the least funny thing to happen on TV since the Kennedy Assassination. Meanwhile, Married With Children just keeps rolling on like Facts of Life. And, who can forget Rob Lowe's most memorable appearance, in that special film he made in his hotel room at the Republican Convention? Winner: W&G

Real World Actors: W&G: Dana Carvey = lame movies and failed TV show (not just SNL) Mike Myers = lame movies and failed TV show (SNL) B&T: Some loser who can't act, and Alex Winter. Analysis: The Scottish Guy has it (If it's no Scottish, it's crap!) Winner: W&G

Overall: W&G in a squeaker. At least, until they do another lame sequel. However, if either of these pairs of guys comes up against Beavis and Butthead, I'm betting on the dudes who know Cornholio!

- Jon Hodapp

I voted for Wayne & Garth over Bill & Ted. In your analysis, you completely missed the Cancon Factor. Mike Myers who plays Wayne (you do realize that these characters are really actors, right? Or am I spoiling the fun and should just quietly and politely go away? Sorry) and Keanu Reeves who plays Ted are both Canadian.

Factor out the Americans, and while Keanu works out more, Mike is more adept at the sneaky fighting shit, such as hitting Keanu with a hockey stick when he isn't paying attention. Plus the Wayne's World movies are better than the Bill & Ted Movies. And That's A Fact!

Most Americans like to think that Canadians are too polite (sorry, but it's true) but when it comes down to crunch in defending what believe in, ass-kicking suddenly surfaces all-dressed to go. Don't forget Wayne is also a serious Martial Artist and if hockey doesn't teach much, it does instill a certain prediliction for underhanded and quick violence.

Wayne & Garth have the lock since they play street hockey, while the best Bill & Ted can do is play air-guitar (and not very well either).

- Jim

Garth jumps Bill before the bell...Ted, knowing that his most excellent partner would be cornholed before the match even started would travel back in time, seduce Garth's Mom when she was only 15, thereby stopping her from giving birth to the Pube-less one... Therefore, it would create a two-on-one and, as we all know, a Garth-less Wayne is a powerless Wayne... Another possible scenario: Wayne starts off, and him and Ted are fighting pretty heavy, but, alas, the Time Traveling Bill goes back in time to 1979 as the prized Mirth-Mobile (tm) was just rolling off the assembly line...quickly, he buys the vehicle, and destroys it by driving it off the side of a building...quickly opening up a hole just underneath the falling automobile, and aiming it directly for, you guessed, Wayne's-vulnerable-to-heavy-objects head (tm)...What poetic justice, being destroyed by his own vehicle... So you see, there is NO WAY that Wayne and Garth can triumph...especially to see Aerosmith (yuck!)

- Jonathan Maness

Wayne and Garth, both completely unarmed, face off against Bill and Ted. Bill is standing in the time booth, ready to go back and fix the fight, and Ted has overloaded his brain 1k beyond its normal 4k capacity, so he can control the robotic Bill and Ted that were made from household junk in their second movie.

The fight begins, and Ted raises his arms into the crane fighting position and approaches Garth. "You're confronted by two robotic us-es that can rip you limb-from-limb. What do you do? What do you do?"

Garth backs away nervously, frantically searching his tv-filled memory for a way to fight the robotic menace. Cautiously, he asks Ted, "W-well, suppose I told you that everything I say is a lie?"

"Yeah, so?" answers Ted.

"W-well, I'm lying right now!"

This logical paradox immediately begins to overwhelm the already overloaded brain of Ted, and steam starts pouring out of his ears. "If everything you say is a lie, then you can't be telling the truth, but if you say you lie you're telling the truth, but... Norman! Coordinate, dude!" A second later, the robotic Bill and Ted slump lifelessly, and the real Ted freezes into permanent stupefication.

Garth mutters to himself, "Captain Kirk, eat your heart out!"

Meanwhile, Wayne and Bill are waging a battle that could rip apart the very fabric of reality, if hypothetical battles like this were real. Bill repeatedly goes back in time to rig the fight for his victory, only to have Wayne reverse the result with his wavy-hand alternate ending magic. At a standoff, they finally recognize that the only way to end the fight is the old-fashioned way, with fists. Wayne, an experienced kung-fu fighter, jumps into a fighting stance, and gets ready to finish off Bill. Suddenly, Wayne's fate is in question as Death tosses his sickle to Bill, who prepares to slash Wayne.

Taking advantage of Bill's monumental stupidity, Wayne comments, "You idiot; it's not even loaded!" Confused, Bill stops to look at the point of the blade. With a single kick, Wayne plunges the blade into Bill's eye up to the hilt, killing him and ending the battle.

Wayne struts and Garth grins as they walk over to collect their passes. As they savor the feeling of holding the passes, Wayne looks at his, and exclaims, "Hey, these aren't Aerosmith tickets; they're for Kraftwerk!"

Dieter and the Sprockets Dancers jump out from the sidelines, and Dieter says "Now is the time on Wayne's World when we dance!"

- Michael Kieras

No matter who wins the primary votes, Bill and Ted will just get into their phone booth, go back in time, and record more votes for themselves!

oh yeah... almost forget..

B E E X C E L L E N T T O O N E A N O T H E R ! ! !

- Raoul Legreen

This has got to be one of the closest fights since the historic Kennedy/Yeltsin drink-off. The way I see it, this fight is going to be decided based on one critical factor: Allies!

As the fight gets under way, Wayne uses the patented head-banger's whip-lash hair (tm) to get the better of a clueless Bill. Soon, scarred by near-dangerous flesh wounds, Bill tags out.

Wayne winds up to start thrashing Ted, but suddenly suffers from a violent neck-muscle-spasm and is forced to tag out. Garth climbs into the pit, and starts to make threatening-sounding noises and inhuman faces. Ted rips off his plaid shirt (worn as a belt) and wraps a convenient piece of soap in it. Ted, armed with his deadly make-shift weapon, is on the verge of totally soaping Garth!

Just then, though, the tide turns! Voices ring out from the far edge of the pit:

	"Uh, Yeah, uhhuh, clobber his sorry bunghole."

That's right, its none other than Beavis and Butt Head. A gasp goes up from the watching crowd, and Johny Fever starts looking for a place to hide. Clearly, Beavis and Butt Head are going to be a most destructive factor here.

Bill, recovering slightly from his wounds, approaches Beavis and Butt Head, and after several minutes of intense negotiations*, they sign a leagally binding treaty. From here, the fight gets so twisted (sister) that I would not care to speculate on the exact couse of events.

In the end, it turns out that Ted and Bill find that Beavis and Butt Head are really a liability, and Wayne and Garth most triumphantly thrash Bill and Ted.

* For the record, here is an excerpt from the negotiations:

	Beavis: "I AM BUNGHULIO!"
	Bill: "Bitchen, dude."
	Butt Head: "Shut up, butt munch. "
	Beavis: "OWWWWW!"
	Bill: "Bitchen, dude."

- mmiller
Bill and Ted don't have a prayer. Here's the scenario: Wayne and Ted a are going at it, the match going fairly evenly until they start to get tired. Wayne throws Ted down onto the ground, but Ted reaches out with his arm and makes a grab for Wayne's leg, causing him to fall over backwards. Wayne and Ted then proceed to continue fighting (still on the ground) until they are both easily mistaken for a pair of possums who lost a game of 'chicken' with a semi. Tired and bleeding, Wayne reaches out and tags Garth, who jumps into the ring, fresh and ready to pound Ted (as much as a goofball like Garth can, of course.) Ted, who although normally would be able to handle Garth in no time flat, is simply too much of a mess to fight him. He reaches out to tag his partner Bill...and his hand reaches only air. What's going on?, he wonders. To his dismay, he'd forgotten that he and Bill had been out of the limelight for too long. The public had forgotten them, but still remember Wayne and Garth! Wayne and Garth are easily the more popular! In clear violation of the rules, the crowd is holding Bill too far from the ring to be tagged! The referrees are helpless to do anything, being the victims of a bizarre 'accident' involving rope, duck tape, and a Greyhound Bus. Unable to get out, and unable to fight, Ted is defeated within 5 minutes after Garth entered the ring.

- mrl

WAYNE? BILL? HA HA HA Ooooooh that's funny. Y' see, these pathetic pairs are both gonna lose. Y'see, while they're rumblin' in the mosh pit, a Dark Cloud[TM] is going to descend from the back rows.... (Queue ominous music)

FIRST FIGURE: 	Hey ya hoser, that was a nice shortcut, eh?  Only
		took us twice as long to get here.
SECOND FIGURE:	If ya don't like th' way I drive, maybe we should take
		yer car next time, eh?  I hope we can push't fast 
FIRST:		Pipe down, eh?  These seats are bad 'nough without yer
		cat-stranglin' voice drownin' out the music.
SECOND:		But lookee there.  Seems there's a couple passes up fer
		grabs in the front rows there.  Those hosers're fightin 
		fer 'em.
FIRST:		What a buncha wimps.  Lessee if we can get them passes, 
And so begins the Charge of the Hosers upon the mosh pit. Bill, alas, is the first to fall. Waiting for a tag from Ted on the sidelines, he's also blocking the Dread Hoser's path to the rest of the crew. He gets steamrolled so bad that the cleanup crew needs a jackhammer to scrape 'im off the floor. Wayne, concentrating on Ted's next strike, unfortunately had his back to the onslaught. He dies quickly from an astonishingly brutal series of kidney punches. Ted has a split second to flee while Wayne falls, but is too paralyzed by terror. He gets his nose punched up into his frontal lobe. Fortunately, he never used that particular lump of nuerons, so he doesn't die until his heart gets carved out by a broken Milwakee's Best bottle.

Garth, alas, does his best to fly from this unlooked-for horror, but the other moshers won't let him escape, hoping to appease the Dread Hosers with this final sacrifice. Garth meets his death with his eyes open-- and pried from their sockets by a used toothpick.

The rest of the mosh pit, overjoyed to see Keanu Reeves dead, quickly cede the passes to the newcomers in a mix of terror and delight. Our good hosers, however, are woefully disappointed-- they thought this was the Styx reunion concert.

Never mess with someone whose hat has earflaps, --Rosencrantz

Bill and Ted have are at a crazy, young, fast age that would get their hearts on those passes and would demolish Garth and Wayne. Garth would run away at the sight of violence which would mean that it would be a two on one situation and eventually would win.

Bill and Ted win easily with a double close-line finished by a couple of elbows that would make Wayne piss his pants and start crying.

- Mikolajczyks

Well... In Waynes World 2 you'll remember that Wayne went one on one in hand to hand combat with cassandras father and did a fairly good job of it. If Wayne starts laying on those moves again Bill & Ted will be in pain. And don't forget the handy tool-belt hidding in the back of the Garths car.

- Peter Aden

Hey WWWF Dudes !!!!!,

Bill and Ted :...It's US dudes !!....Bill and Ted, and we are  Sytmied !! 

Bill:...How could this be happening?

Ted:...What Bill? 

Bill:...Ted Man !....We're losing !!

Ted:..NO Way !!..

Bill: ... Yes Way !!, and that means NO Iron Maiden tickets !!...

Ted:... this is.. is...ah, most non-triumphant ! How could this be happening?

Bill:...I just said that!!


Bill:..."how could this be happening"...

Ted:...Hey ! maybe we should "Melvin" them...ah...what's their names?

Bill:..Wayne and Garth, and Garth looks like he's been Melvined for life... could we not beat that wussie?... Ted,  we need time , we need the ..Booth....

Ted:..ah !! the "Booth"...

Bill:..this is most, most Heinous....

Ted:.....yeah, Totally non-Excellent.... 

- BSPrstnESQ

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Pee-Wee Herman v. Gilligan
Academy Awards: Worst Actor (with Keanu)
Gumby v. Mr. Bill

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© 1996, WWWF Grudge Match; © 2000, Dragon Hamster Productions, LLC