"Hey Brain, this television news show here just said that 90% of the world's computers use Microsoft (tm) products! Narf!"
Brain's ears perk up and an evil grin appears across his face: "Pinky, Are you pondering what I am pondering?"
"I think so, Brain, but hasn't the world had enough of Tony Danza in a situation comedy?"
Brain slaps Pinky and explains. "If we could take over Microsoft, then we could control 90% of the world's computers, and thus, THE WORLD!" Brain hurries off to work out the details of tonight's project.
Unbeknownst to Brain, another attempt is being made at taking over Microsoft, and thus the world. However, this attempt comes from within Microsoft itself. Enter Dogbert, management consultant. Dogbert, who has finally decided the the world is worthy of him as a ruler, has spent all night drawing up new org charts, project flowcharts, and management policies. With these new materials, and the current non-existent management skills of Microsoft, the takeover of the world is at hand!
So Brian, which of these cartoon characters bent on world domination will succeed?
Brain, however, is obsessed with taking over the world. He does it "every night". And despite Dogbert's repeated failures, Brain has taken over the world many times. Remember when he built Chia Earth (tm)? He ruled the old Earth for quite a while before it was destroyed by a comet. And after the production and release of Brain's Song, he temporarily grasped control of the world, right before becoming a laughing stock. True, he never keeps control of the world, but that isn't the point here, is it? He will take over Microsoft (tm) and then rule the world for 60 seconds until he loses everything when the mother of Bill Gates' love child sues the company for 80 billion in child support and wins.
And let us not forget about The Brain's incredible powers and abilities. He's appeared in biblical times, medieval England, the future, and several times and places in between. He constructed the aforementioned life-size paper mache replica of Earth. He bested Little John with the buck-and-a-quarter quarter staff and Robin Hood at archery. With these kinds of abilities and traveling powers, no task is too Herculean for Brain and his adequate cohort, Pinky. What resources does Dogbert have? Ratbert? Dogbert gives up and starts licking himself as Brain seizes control of Microsoft's Board of Directors.
STEVE: The reason Dogbert hasn't, as you say, "made it to the next level" is because he simply hasn't put his mind to it yet. The world simply wasn't worthy of his domination. Now that this fact has changed, there's no stopping him. And the Brain's obsession with world domination is his downfall. History has shown us time and again that those obsessed with world domination always fail. Examples include Lex Luthor, Khan, and Ernst Blofeld. They have repeatedly lost, primarily due to the blinding influences of their obsession. If they could take a step back, and look at things with broader perspective, they usually could have averted their downfall. The Brain will be like a horse with blinders on, and won't be ready for Dogbert's competition, leading to his predictable loss. In fact, has The Brain ever experienced any competition? I don't think he can stand up to it. That's why he always hangs out with Pinky.
Of course, the painfully obvious reason why Dogbert must win is that The Brain always screws things up in the end. The examples you cite in which The Brain takes over the world for 60 seconds is meaningless and counts for diddly-squat. For effectual control, it must remain indefinitely. Of course, The Brain is somehow always denied control of the world, or has it taken away at the last minute. It's as predictable as Gilligan not getting of his island, or as Wile E. Coyote not catching the Road Runner. Dogbert has no such curse to hinder his plans. As a matter of fact, he always seems to achieve what he sets out to do, no matter how ludicrous. He hasn't put his mind to it yet, but when he does, it will be painfully simple for him to exercise complete control over the mindless drones in Microsoft.
BRIAN: I didn't realize that you'd started drinking in the mornings again, Steve. Regardless, where in the scenario is anything said about "effectual control" of the world? The race here is to take over Microsoft and thus the world; there are no restrictions on how long you most rule the world. And, as discussed, Brain has conquered the world several times already.
And then you try to tell us that Lex Luthor, Khan, and Ernst Blofeld failed due to the "blinding influences of their obsession"??!! No, Steve, they failed because they went up against Superman, The Federation, and James Bond! The Brain has no such annoying all-powerful do-gooder counterpart, and thus will not suffer the same fate as these other classic villains. And to say that the reason Dogbert has not made it to that next level is because he never really wanted to is an awfully convenient argument, Steve. Yeah, and Michael Jordan never made it to the Majors because he didn't want to play in a dome.
And considering this is a race, time is of the essence. The Brain has his own show. Thus, he will be able to use 80% of his time to do his work, the other 20% going towards commercials and those grating pre-pubescent WB! (tm) hosts. Dogbert, however, is but a small player in the Dilbert universe. Dilbert and Dilbert-related story lines will dominate 90% of the time for Dogbert, if he's even allowed to appear. Thus, left with a meager 10%, Dogbert will barely have a chance to compile a plan before The Brain has conquered and already lost control of the world. Twice.
STEVE: If you seriously believe that The Brain has "conqered the world several times already", then I suppose you also believe that Gilligan has escaped his island several times too. Sure, they got on the raft and headed out to sea, but it sank just as they were leaving the lagoon. Sure, technically they left the island for a few moments, but in effect, they might as well not have bothered. In my book it doesn't count, plain and simple.
Your points about speed are correct (except for your exaggerated 10%), but you've left out a few important facts which drastically alter their relative speeds. First, the majority of The Brain's experience in days past entailed only a small portion of a larger show (Animanics) in which to do his work, just as with Dogbert now. And like Dogbert, sometimes he didn't even appear at all. Sure, he has his own show now, but so now does Dogbert have his own outlet: Dogbert's New Ruling Class. Thus that argument is a wash. Second, we see the Brain almost enirely in reruns. He isn't often seen doing anything new these days. And even when he is doing something new, it's only on a weekly basis, not daily. Dogbert is as fresh as today's newspaper, possibly even fresher since he motors along on the internet as well. The result: Dogbert takes over Microsoft, then The World (tm), and as ruler, has Acme Labs (tm) bulldozed to the ground.
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"Eureka! I have calculated the formula for the 'Take Over The World Formula' (TM) out on the computer! Now all we need to do is print it so we can create the formula!"
Suddenly, a Windows (TM) 95 (TM) dialog box appears on the Brain's computer as he clicks on "Print."
This program has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down. If problem persists, contact your vendor.
"NO!!!!" The formula is lost forever.
"Yes! I've accessed Microsoft's computer system! Now to make one little change."
CEO:William H. Gates III
Dogbert clicks on it.
Dogbert clicks "OK", and a dialog box appears.
There is not enough memory to perform this task.
Another victory for the corporate giant known as Microsoft!
- Nathan of Borg
Dilbert: I was going through your room and I found this wig... Dogbert: So. My secret is out. I was saving millions in taxes by legally declaring myself a dog. No matter. Plan B. Dilbert: What are you doing with my birth certificate? Dogbert: As per our agreement, we have now swapped identities, for tax puposes only. By the way, you owe $234,345,895 in back taxes. Dilbert: Agreement? What agreement!?! Dogbert: You must really read the license agreement on your software before opening it.A no-Brainer.
- John Hunter
Anyway, Snowball already took over the world by controlling Microsoft, and the Brain wouldn't want to recycle a plan used by his arch-nemesis.
- The Imperial Master of Depravity, DNRC
In the meantime, Dogbert is finding that BG is even easier to dominate than the Pointy Haired Boss (TM), and quickly takes over the MicroSoft Control center. However, he finds that even St. Dogbert has trouble exorcizing the Demons of Stupidity that constitute its Win95 OS. Luckily for him, P&B are sidetracked on the way there by Pinky realizing he's Gay (big surprise there folks) and having a torrid affair with Ratbert, while Brain gets sidetracked admiring Dilbert's software. He makes a quick attempt at world domination using Dilbert's `Take over the World' software beta, but is stopped by bugs and the firewall...
In the meantime, Dogbert has exorcised Win95, only to discover that the world has already been taken over by the Garbage Man, who did it 25 years ago as a grade school prank. Since he likes Dogbert, he hands over the reins of power. Db is seen collecting garbage the next day, while the Garbage Man moves to Tahiti. Oh, and P&B are involved in a ridiculous accident involving Alice, Wally, the PHB, catbert, Yakko, Wakko, Dot, Hello Nurse, and Slappy the Squirrel just before their plan to take over by impersonating the grumpy secratary bears fruit.
Dogbert also has the aforementioned New Ruling Class to back him up. The brain has only Pinky, so even if you give the Brain a break and consider him Dogbert's equal the conquest still goes to Dogbert who's dominant in his element.
- Lord High Commander of Paper Clips, DNRC
Secondly, there's the great tradition of evil geniuses and/or criminal organizations bent on world domination named after body parts (The Claw, The Hand, The Foot, etc). Here, we have not one, but two such individuals working in unison (granted, Pinky is not the most intimidating body part, but then The Brain has more intelligence in his left pinky than Pinky does in his entire brain, so it balances out). I don't have a Dogbert on my body, and I'm reasonably sure that most others don't either (unless an over-zealous fan got him tattooed there). 1 Point for Pinky and the Brain.
Thirdly, the precedent has been set in the past that Microsoft can be defeated by toons. Now, even the most base cartoon buff can tell you that WB toons are a hell of a lot tougher than Disney toons (Heck, an anvil to the head would probably kill Mickey). So if Disney can beat Microsoft, P and the B sure can. 1 Point for Pinky and the Brain.
Final Score: Pinky and the Brain: 3, Dogbert: 0
I rest my case.
- Blimpy the Lactose Intolerant Cat
Pinky? He goes into marketing.
1) Brain simply wants to rule the world. Nice, but hardly ambitious. Dogbert wants to enslave the human race, which is much more devious. Brain would have to fight hostile humans. Dogbert, being an expert leader, would make humans do, and enjoy doing, whatever he wanted.
2) Brain works alone. Pinky could hardly be considered a willing partner. Pinky has no desire to rule the world.
Dogbert, should he need backup, could call in Catbert, who served as an evil Human Resources Director. Ratbert, as a downsizing consultant, could run cover. Even Dilbert would assist, since he's full of rage (tm) toward bosses and the corporate world in general.
3) While Brain's schemes are clever, his spohisticated frontal attacks would be easily detected by a place like Microsoft, which operates under a Siege Mentality (tm) anyway. His assualts would quickly be turned back.
Dogbert would erode Microsoft's internal structure by creating a reverse org chart that would put Bill Gates at the bottom and tech support intake workers at the top. Thus "empowered," the Microserfs would contribute to the corporate chaos. Dogbert would set up Dilbert as a dummy CEO. Dilbert would have all the money and attention he could want, and could care less if Dogbert enslaved the human race.
- Capt. Rage (tm) Forder
Pinky and the Brain by a mile! The reason, this is the first believable plot that they've ever had! I'd have to say that taking over Microsoft is much easier than building a giant clothes dryer and zapping everyone with static cling. (Don't ask me how I know, it's a long story). The following is how I figure it will go.
Brain uses his robotic suit to get an entry level position at Microsoft. After discovering Dogbert's plot to take over the company, Brain sends Pinky to lure him into the supply closet. Pinky will of course get side-tracked when he sees a vending machine and looks for some Junior Mints(tm) (I've never seen him eat these, but everybody loves Junior Mints). Brain will of course hurt Pinky for this and go find Dogbert himself.
Brain will lock Dogbert in the supply closet in the basement of Microsoft, where he will be found years later by tourists visiting the capital of Brainania (which is another story all together). Now, continuing with how Brain will take over Microsoft and then the world.
Brain will find Bill Gates and start talking with him while Pinky is allowed to jump around randomly on his computer's keyboard until it explodes as if in some cartoon (hmmmm...). In the confusion, Brain decks Bill, who couldn't defend himself even if Brain didn't sucker punch him. Now, it's a well known fact that there was a hamster that impersonated Bill before, Snowball. Brain will simply build a suit similar to this and impersonate Bill Gates, giving him full control of the company.
Brain will then release a piece of software from the company that will give him instant access to any computer in the country that is hooked up to the internet. Once Windows Brain(tm) has been installed in all the homes of Microsoft software users, Brain will run a program that will cause the Start Up files of all the computers to display a text message telling them to elect Bill as the leader of the world. Now, since this message appeared magically, the people will be amazed and consider it. Still, Brain being a genius and all, will have put this message in other things so that the subliminal messages get so overwhelming that people give in all over the world.
Now I'd like to say now, the fact that I have a mouse in a large mechanical suit pointing a particle accelerator at my head has nothing to do with my decision. Viva' Pinky and the Brain...err...The Brain and Pinky...
- Chris Csont
And of course, there is Dogbert's ace in the hole: his number one, his right hand, I'm talking about evil HR director Catbert, who is every bit as ruthless, every bit as cunning, and even more sadistic that Dogbert! And who, I might add, is a CAT. Pinky and the Brain are your basic RATS. Put it together, people!
We'll be seeing Dogbert courtside at Sonics games by round 2 of the playoffs.
- Lionel Hutz
However, Pinky and the Brain have no idea this is going on. Their plan is to take over Microsoft, regardless of who owns it. And as their plans usually take some time to execute, by the time they begin, Dogbert will already have control of Microsoft, and it will be Dogbert they are attempting to overthrow. The question is, can they do it?
The Brain has broken into Microsoft to begin executing his plans. Knowing that Pinky will ruin his plans every time, he has tied Pinky to the copy machine so that he can't interfere. The Brain is busy using the mainframe at Microsoft to break into the world's banks to create an account with enough money to buy the controlling shares of Microsoft. Pinky is busy occupying himself by making multiple copies of his face. However, when the copier runs out of paper, Pinky frees himself and turns his attention to the computer terminal where the Brain is sitting. "What does this button do, Brain?" "No, Pinky, don't. . .!" Too late, the Brain's plans are ruined as the stolen funds are transferred into Mr. Belvedere's account. Foiled once again, Pinky and the Brain return to ACME Labs, and Dogbert retains control of Microsoft and therefore the world.
As for Mr. Belvedere, he starts his own network with his new-found wealth which runs nothing but old sitcoms that never should have happened in the first place. His own series runs four hours every day.
- Kathy and Miranda
- The Commissioner of Strength
Yes, we shall grow fat on the fruits of your labor. Brian, you silly, silly man.
- Kilgore Trout
- Ned Brekelbaum
Now let's take a look at Brain's associates:
- Denis Moskowitz (yes, that Denis Moskowitz)
1.Technolgical Prowess (advantage Brain)
Here the Brain is definetly superior to Dogbert. However, Dogbert can call upon both Dilbert and the World's Smartest Garbageman to help him out, who if not equal to the Brain's capabilities do have a fairly impressive track record of their own. Besides, in a campaign to take over Microsoft, this capability is really not that important.
2.Personal interactions (advantage Dogbert)
The Brain really doesn't understand the way people think. He is always straightforward with people (actually I am a lab mouse engaged in a complex plan to take over the world) and speaks in complex scientific terms which people will not understand. Yes, he has Pinky to help translate what he says, but having to depend on Pinky for anything is a serious liabilty. By contrast Dogbert is an expert on human interaction, and the corporate culture. He understands how to manipulate people far better than the Brain does, and will be able to use that ability to effortlessly rise to the top of Microsoft.
3.Ruthlessness (advantage Dogbert)
The Brain has always avoided violence, except as a last resort. Even when he went up against the dreaded Snowball (yes the Brain has had competition before), he wasn't willing to fight Snowball until well after Snowball had already taken over the world. Dogbert will not have this problem. He will be perfectly willing to take out the Brain early on in the competition, either by using one of Dilbert's death dealing inventions that Dilbert just left around the house trusting Dogbert not to abuse, or sending Bob the Dinosaur after our favorite lab mice.
4.Allies (advantage Dogbert)
Pinky is not nearly as useless as people might think, (it was Pinky afterall that finished off Snowball, and as already mentioned his ability to communicate with the common man is something the Brain really needs) However, he is at best an unreliable ally. Dogbert on the other hand, can send Ratbert to spy on Pinky and the Brain, use Dilbert and the Garbage Man for their technolgical capabilities, use the Dinosaurs and Catbert as ruthless enforcers, and he has lots of contacts in both the business and political world he can call upon. Besides, all Dogbert has to do is take out Pinky, and he will cripple the Brain's capability to win (aside from Pinky's dubious talents, the Brain is deep down rather fond of him, and would take his loss fairly hard) The Brain on the other hand can strike at Dogbert's friends, and while it might get Dogbert mad, it won't have nearly the effect on Dogbert that losing Pinky would have on the Brain.
The Brain is a formidable adversary, but he is outclassed in this race to take over the world (although I think that after Dogbert does take over the world, the Brain will be the one to knock him out of power, since we know neither Dogbert or the Brain can hold onto power once they get it, and the Brain has a pretty good track record at overthrowing other would be dictators)
- Brendan W. Guy
Brain: has access to multitudes of scientific knowledge, can travel anywhere within the world and BACK again in a single evening, can design any kind of gadget, has accomplished cloning technology, can open any lock with his tail, almost won the biggest prize in Jeopardy history, and does a really good Orson Welles imitation. Not afraid of hard work or long odds.
Dogbert: has great control over the corporate world and knowledge of computers (he's in his element here), runs a tech support desk, large ego to back up his activities. Does passable imitation of Gilly Bates.
Point to: Brain (for versatility and preparedness)
Brain: Pinky, and a bad track record. A small mouse. Not known for his expert use of computers.
Dogbert: No skills outside of the corporate or computer realms. Might conquer the world but would balk at actually having to WORK at controlling it, thus relying on lackies who would throw him in the pound at the first opportunity. A small, ugly dog with delusions of grandeur who hasn't the travel or practical experiences a world leader needs.
Point: Brain (that he even gets out of the LAB with Pinky is good enough...)
Brain: Engineering, Technical, Carpentry, Disguise, Science, Songwriting, Vast General knowledge.
Dogbert: Expertise with Microsloth corporate practices and master manipulator. housebroken.
Point: Dogbert (He knows Microsloth!)
Brain: see skills. Also knows several languages, has incredible general knowledge, and has passed for human many times.
Dogbert: Computer technical knowledge, ins and outs of Greedy Computer Company Inc. (tm) Knows how much crap people will take to keep their jobs and lives intact.
Point: Dogbert (If a slimy thieving idiot like Gilly Bates can take over the world with crappy Bugware, Dogbert could do it, too)
Brain: Actually SUCCEEDED in conquering the world several times, losing it only to circumstance or to Pinky's antics.
Dogbert: Never conquered much of anything except his employees (not even his own unmerited ego).
Brain: The folks who brought you the Animaniacs - an obviously gifted bunch who understand the attractiveness of chaos theory and animation history, and who would do a much better job with a conquered planet.
Dogbert: Not even animated - drawn by an escapee from a cubicle who SEEMS to be criticizing the corporate world but is only too happy to be rich and powerful and have his name plastered everywhere. He'd just rename the world "Earthbert" and redraw everything into second-rate line art.
Point: Brain (Scott Adams is overrated)
Episode Plot - P&B's Plot to take over the world is disrupted by a small ugly dog dressed as a Microsloth CEO who reveals the plan to Gilly Bates, but is in turn defeated by a Big Fat Orange Cat who assaults the small dog and kicks him out a 30-story window. Mr. Bates combines the two sets of plans and conquers Earth himself.
- The Bunyip
Intellect-- both mice are smart in their own ways. Brain has enormous skills in engineering, politics, and other egghead stuff. Pinky covers anything artistic, creative, or requiring leiderhosen. In a sense, they could represent the right and left sides of the brain. Dogbert has high intellect, but also has a high amout of disinterest. He has mood swings similar to Mr. Burns. One minute, Dogbert will try to take over the world, the next minute, he's on the Death Star with Dilbert and Bruce Willis. Score 1 for Pinky and the Brain, since Dogbert's likely to become disinterested.
Competition: Oh Steve, how could you forget Pinky and the Brain's greatest nemesis, Snowball? They have had competition before, but barely came up even. This makes little difference in scoring, however, since Dogbert has similar intellect and is so much bigger than the mice. "Gee, Brain, whaddya wanna do *SQUISH*" Dogbert gets the point here.
Owners: The ACME labs people and Dilbert are both pretty incompetent when it comes to keeping their animals in check. It's a tie here.
Helpers: While Dogbert could probably bend Dilbert and Ratbert's minds to do his every whim, Pinky and the Brain can deal with that. Pinky will contact his old pal, Billy to deal with Dilbert (see the 4-1-97 Dilbert strip), Brain will contact an agent of his own to deal with Ratbert. The agent is: Boo, James Boo, who recently survived a scrape with one Illinois Smith in the search for some egg or something (that's best left for another story). Catbert appears and tries to make a mouse meal, but the Warners show up in their obligitory cameo appearance and flatten Catbert and Dogbert with an Anvil. Brain then dons his robot suit and enters Microsoft to take over. Unfortunately, Bill Gates turns out to be Brain's arch-enemy, Snowball, in a giant robot suit of his own.... Anyhow, another point for the rodents.
P&B=2pts. Dogbert=1 pt. Poit! Egad! Pinky and the Brain will eventually take over the world, unless they meet Danger Mouse and Penfold.... NARF!!
- Noel Schornhorst
What did the Brain see in Gates' office that made him turn tail and run? A giant, mechanical suit, with a big empty space inside the head. A suit that looks remarkably like Bill Gates. A suit that belongs to none other than the Brain's arch-nemesis, Snowball the hamster. The fiendish hamster has already taken over Microsoft, so Brain wisely decides to let Dogbert and Snowball slug it out.
Meanwhile, the Brain decides to take another approach to world domination. He doesn't know who will win the fight between Snowball and Dogbert, but he does know who will lose: Microsoft itself. So Brain decides to steal the market away from Microsoft while his rivals are busy fighting among themselves.
Before the next commercial break, Brainsoft is formed, with it's new Brain-dows 97 (tm) software sweeping the world. As the Brain foresaw, the battle between Snowball and Dogbert was brutal and apocylaptic - until, that is, Dogbert realized that his opponent, clever and ruthless though he was, was still just a rodent, and brought in Catbert to catch and eat Snowball. Unfortunately, it was too late for Microsoft - Brainsoft and Brain-dows 97 (tm) ruled the marketplace, and the world.
Until, that is, Pinky stumbled upon a locked room deep within Acme Labs, containing a cryogenic freezer. With a "Narf! I wonder what this does?", the real Bill Gates was released from his frozen imprisonment. Making his way to a computer, Gates boots up Brain-dows 97 (tm) and begins surfing the web on the Brainsoft Look-at-stuff-on-the-Internet-thingy (tm) (the Brain let Pinky name most of the Brain-dows 97 (tm) features). Gates sees the horrible condition of his Microsoft and makes his way to his headquarters. Rallying a few Microsoft employees who realize that the only way to make their stock options valuable again is to follow Gates, they manage to overthrow Dogbert, who Gates sends to the dog pound (where, unable to use his cunning and ruthlessness among plain old, non-verbal dogs, he's put to sleep 7 days later).
After taking back Microsoft, Bill Gates plots a strategy to ruin Brainsoft - but he doesn't have to. Only minutes before the Grudge Match is scheduled to end, a previously unnoticed bit of code in Brain-dows 97 (tm), the "Poit! Zort!" subroutine, causes every computer equipped with the software to crash, ruining Brainsoft and restoring Microsoft to its place as ruler of the world.
So, Pinky and the Brain don't get the world, but they do manage to survive, unlike Dogbert, and thus win by a TKO.
- James DiBenedetto
Brain, on the other hand, can and will go toe-to-paw with heavies. He's kidnapped world leaders and defeated comic-book heroes, for crying out loud. And, once again, the scenario determines the winner. Brain HAS conquered the world repeatedly, and the g oal is to conquer, not conquer and keep. Experience counts, even in Grudge Reality (TM).
One other thing: Brain ran a presidential campaign that mobilized the American electorate. Before his rodent origins were revealed, he had already proven that he could tame THE APATHY (TM), a force previously documented as the most powerful in The Grudg e (more powerful than THE RAGE (TM)). Dogbert could harness THE RAGE if he were dealing with morons, but he's not. Therefore, through some form of transitivity, Brian wins. QED.
- Phil, ex-Microsoft employee (the Illuminati have a better dental plan)
Who can save the worlds desktops from being ruled by the evil, plotting genius Dogbert!?! Why, the Mac users will save our world, by providing an alternative to Microsoft's reign of desktop devilry. This of course means that half the population will be driven insane by random computer freezing. Oh, well. Maybe it's back to the stone age for a few thousand years, then someone will combine a decient computer with a decient OS!
Dogbert meanwhile streamlines a managing technique to turn regular workers into cult activists who view there bosses as the enlightened link to Bill (aka Heaven) Gates as they devote themselves whole heartedly to there cubicles and life without some "insignificant" body parts. Upon entering the Microsoft building he immediately realizes Bill beat him to it.
But as Pinky and the Brain fall back to another night, and another plan, Dogbert is smart enough to simply sell it to Bill anyway. Bill, sold on the fact it will increase his domination, and never being good at distinguishing antiquated stuff already in use, buys into the plan whole heartedly. (Several possibilities diverge at this point, all with the same conclusion, Dogbert plays Bill as easily as Dilberts Manager.)
Brain meanwhile invents an automated petter, and laughs meniacly as he plans to put it in use....
- Michael, (in the DRC as Commentator of commentators)
Dogbert will try to work through the managers, laying down policies and expecting his underlings to competently carry them out. P&B will do something clever, like put saltpeter in the drinking water and then blackmail the male contingent of Microsloth with embarassing pictures.
Okay, so Pinky and the Brain started out as bit players on the
But wait! Where is the TV show? Where can Dogbert go to implement
subliminal advertising upon the weary beer swillers of America?
Pinky and the Brain win, by the Opiate of the Masses (TM)
Alex: "You get to choose the next category, Brian."
Brain: "That's *Brain*, Alex."
So how long have you been working with a laboratory mouse, Steve, and not noticed?
- Buzz the Danger Bee >8)
And what does Dogbert do in the meantime? Astoundingly, he abandons Microsoft, and makes a play for Disney. Off-point as this scheme is, he shows remarkable success. The Baby Dogbert plush figure he puts on the market causes stampedes at every major toy store on the continent. Once Tickle Me Dogbert comes out, Disney can resist no longer. They MUST have this money machine, and gladly surrender control of the board to Dogbert to add his likeness to their line of parent-pauperizing merchandise.
All well and good, but Dogbert still loses, right? WRONG!
Dogbert knows legal precedent, specifically, Disney v. Microsoft v. Cliff Hoffa(chronicled on this site). He immediately launches a hostile takeover of Microsoft, confident he can defeat them in megacorporate battle to the death. Pinky, who is by now universally accepted as Gates, hears about Dogbert's maneuver, and assumes this is part of The Brain's takeover plan. He gladly hands over the reins.
What of The Brain in all this? He's been busy pitting his mind against the Gates mansion computer. He's just beaten it three times straight at four-dimensional chess when he hears the news. His last-ditch attempt to stop the takeover fails when the mansion computer, sore loser that it is, refuses to let him out of the house either.
Within months, Dogbert's Windows 98(tm) runs every computer on Earth ... and so does he. Mwhahahahahaha...!
- Call me Shane
According to the incredible Animal Planet television network, a dog normally would tear a couple of mice limb from Looney Tune limb. However, Dogbert is a comic strip. Therefore he is frozen in time for three to six motionless panels. Pinky and the Brain are animated characters and have movement. The result: The partners in world domination beat the complete bejesus (tm) out of the lifeless mutt, and sell his rotting carcass to Oscar Meyer (insert your own hot dog joke here).
The next target is Mr. Gates himself. The superior intellect of the Brain develops a shrink ray and zaps Mr. Moneybags down to his size. Since the two mice have spent their lives in the raw, hard environment of a steel cage (tm), they are incredibly street tough. Brain overwhelms the computer nerd in a blazing fury of sharp, piercing bites and vicious punches. With the young entrepreneur struggling for his last breath, Pinky comes up a finishes him with a swift kick to the nads (similar to the first Conan movie, when the wussy sidekick stabs the vicious monster after Conan's done kicking ass).
True to their nature, the duo relinquish control of the world after they discover they have taken over a company that produces inferior products. "I wonder what the makers of Macintosh are doing tonight, Brain? NARF!"
- THE REV.HOLY SCHMIDT, KALAMAZOO, MI
In this case, Pinky and the Brain have a definite advantage to being the head of Microsoft. The Brain and his coolest of cool sidekick, Pinky take over the world every night. They have achieved this goal a number of times, but it inevitably is taken from them or they give it up. The taking of Microsoft is obviously just part of The Brain's newest, most ruthless scheme to take over the world. The Brain must take over the world in one night, meaning the taking of Microsoft can only take a few hours.
Dogbert, however, will devise a long, subtle, marketing strategy that will take over Microsoft in a matter of weeks. He cannot make one that takes less than that, for fear of the comic strip running out of ideas.
The way I see it, the Brain takes over Microsoft in a few short hours, and wins the Grudge Match, and uses his new position as the head of Microsoft to take over the world. Days later, Dogbert emerges and takes the company from the Brain's grasp, and then takes over the world himself, just because it is the next logical step. Brain is tossed out and shipped back to Acme Labs, to dream up his next dubious scheme to take over the world. Meanwhile, Dogbert goes on to bigger and better things, like helping John McClane take over the Death Star.
(Note: Brain still wins because he took over Microsoft first)
- Some Dork
- Sunita Bhatia, firstname.lastname@example.org
"What are we gonna do tonight, Brain?"
"The same thing we do every night, Pinky. Try to...AAAAGGH!"
[Pinky and the Brain are eaten by Catbert]
"Finally, the world will be mine! MINE! [diabolical laughter]"
"Uh, Dogbert? The head of the SEC is on the phone. He says you're looking at thirty years for insider trading. Apparently, they were tipped off by some mouse..."
The third scenario is the messiest. Brain calls in all of his allies
from the world of animation, Dogbert his allies from the printed
comics. As you might have guessed, it turns into "Calvin vs. Bart,
Part II." And the end result of all this chaos? The country plunges
into The Great Depression, Part II. Not only do Brain AND Dogbert end
up in federal prison, but so do Pinky, Ratbert, Jason Fox, Mr. Burns,
and every megalomaniacal cartoon/comic-strip character caught up in
their insidious conspiracies.
WINNER: NONE (Bill Gates maintains control).
(There is a possibility of a fourth scenario: Dogbert and Brain team up...but this one is too unlikely...and too terrifying...to contemplate).
Of all these scenarios, however, I must go with the first. Dogbert would certainly go with the quickest and most reliable solution. Better join the New Ruling Class while you still can!
- Dale "Geoduck" Abersold
- Doug Turnbull
Why? He uses naive technological people to circulate his evil plots,
and other people follow like sheep because, of course, technology is
the way of the future and the people who design it would
never lie, right? ;-)
Meanwhile, for all his mental exercise, Brain has three things going against him.
- Czin'r McTavish
- Thinkmaster General
The Brain, being a mad scientist, figures if he can gain control of Bill Gates' mind, he can "persuade" him to sell all his stock for cheese. He quickly pulls out his Brain-Cuffs (tm) that he has conveniently been working on for the past three months, grabs Pinky and stowaways on a flight to Seattle. They easily avoid the security system by going through the air ducts and have Bill Gates under their power within minutes. He sells his entire company for three Kraft Singles (tm) and a bag of Chuck E. Cheese (tm) tokens.
Dogbert, being a business consultant, figures that if Microsoft's stock price plummets because of internal havoc, he could take the small fortune he's accumulated by ripping off Dilbert's company and buy a controlling interest cheap. Dogbert immediately begins "reorganizing" with disasterous results. Catbert, the new head of human resource management, has been "reassigning" everyone who defies his leader's orders while Ratbert has half the programmers in therapy. The company ceases to function by lunch.
Meanwhile, the Brain is making final preparations to take over the
world when Pinky interrupts him. "Brain, you should see what's on the
"Ah, so the world's leaders have announced their capitulation to the superior intellect!"
"No, it just said Microsoft's stock just dropped to 1/8. NARF!"
At this very moment, Dogbert storms the office with Robert. After a couple of Flying Megawedgies (tm) by the dinosaur, the Brain sells the company to Dogbert for $6.66 in lottery tickets.
Dogbert rules the world within a week and is crowned Grand-Poobah Emperor of the Solar System (tm). Pinky and the Brain become the beta testers for WindowsMazeBert 2000 Plus! (tm). Bill Gates moves to Bhutan and becomes a monk.
- Paul Golba
Let's put aside, for the moment, that Bill Gates is the ultimate pointy-haired boss and, as such, would be easy prey for Dogbert. Your claim that The Brain will have control of Microsoft for a mere 60 seconds is your ultimate downfall.
When is the last time that a Microsoft product ever loaded in under a minute? NEVER! That's when!!!
Since The Brain can't load WorldDomination97 for Windows95 in under a minute, he will lose. Simple as that.
Scratching. All Brain needs to do is have Dilbert (or anyone) start scratching Dogbert. He loves it. He'll be paralyzed. Granted, he'll be pissed when it stops, but it should give Brain plenty of time to get his work done... even with Pinky.
(After all--Dogbert has Ratbert to offset the Pinky liability)
- That Kurt Guy
So here's how it would go:
Dogbert will assemble a crew of corporate raiders. They will review the computer market and set up a dummy holding corporation. Dogbert and his staph will develop a complex business plan for isolating Microsoft, weakening its market position. The plan will then call for the dummy holding corporation to slowly buy up chunks of MS Stock[tm] and then go bankrupt. This will cause a sharp decline in the price of the stock and Dogbert will then be able to buy up the dumped shares and reestablish Microsoft's market position.
The business plan will be sent to a professional printer for leather binding, an advertising firm will be hired to develop a full-color, multimedia presentation. All of this will be filed and the staff will go home, turning out the lights behind them. End of story.
Meanwhile, Brain will dress up as a doctor and set up a pediatric clinic. Hanging out in pediatric bars at lunch he will hint that he is the doctor for Bill Gates' son and that he may have the flu. The half inebriated pediatricians will rush to the phones and call their brokers. Word will spread like wild fire, and by the end of the day, Microsoft stock will have lost 90% of its value.
Brain buys up the devalued stock, appoints himself Absolute Dictator of the Board, and hires Pinky as President.
At the first Board meeting. Pinky sits in his place next to Brain, and open his Apple Powerbook to keep notes on the meeting. The beating is severe, and they are both thrown from the building (through the window).
Brain: "Yet, I retain ownership of my stock, and that will
come in handy tomorrow night."
Pinky: "What are we going to do then, Brain?"
Brain: "The same thing we do every night - Try to take over the world!"
....so my vote goes to Pinky and the Brain, but only until the first board meeting.
- YHS RAY
It's almost too pathetic to think about.
- Josh Gillman
- Steve Baker (email@example.com)
After all, we're talking about taking over the world by taking over a corporation. When was the last time the Brain did anything in the corporate world besides having noxious chemicals squirted into his bloodstream?
Dogbert, on the other hand, will have MS eating out of his paw in seconds. After all, he can simply wrap a piece of liver around himself and convince them to surrender quietly to his "external brain pack."
Meanwhile, the Brain will be trying to scrape Pinky off the floor after some random large object rolls over him. When was the last time Dogbert got flattened? And he has enough sense to make Dilbert stay at home out of his way.
To summarize, Dogbert has the advantage of experience manipulating Dilbert and his clueless corporate friends, while the Brain only has experience getting squashed.
Get ready for Catbert's new HR policies, the DNRC is gonna roll the Brain, Microsoft, and the world.
It is important for no one to realize he is in power, though. People in power are put under the proverbial microscope and scrutinized heavily. Scrutiny leads to fault finding. Fault finding leads to less popularity. Less popularity leads to less power. Dogs are not so heavily scrutinized. So as long as people just look at Dogbert as a dogwho happens to be able to talk, convince CEO's that a dog can give good consultations, and cash checkshe won't be scrutinized and he will continue to rule the world.
All hail the omnipotent and benevolent Dogbert! Long live Dogbert!
- Izzy Dazzlynn
- Rico Suave
If there is a forfeit on the Dogbert vs. P&B contest the only thing proven is that you are not taking this seriously and any book that you want to write will be full of shit. You say we can only vote once an hour, so dogberts fans are voting ONCE an hour. Thats what you wanted right, to get people riled up for their sides. Well we're voting and winning and thats bad? If you forfeit, you only prove that you don't care about what your site is supposed to be about. What a shame.
- Rob, social engineer
And just for the record, he did give us permission to use this in the "full of shit" book.
If you liked this match, check out these other past
Dilbert v. Drew Carey
Calvin v. Bart
Khan v. Lex Luthor
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