"Hello everyone, and welcome back to the Rolanda show. Today we've been talking with our three very special guests: two bona-fide princesses and a real life rags to riches girl. Princess Snow White, Princess "Sleeping" Beauty, and the newly crowned Princess Cinderella have all been telling us what it's like to Live Happily Ever After (tm).
"But so far, we've just been taking THEIR words for it. Wouldn't the studio audience love to hear the husband's side of the story?" After the cheers and the hoots die down, Rolanda turns to the side camera and says, "What these ladies don't know is that while they think they've all got themselves their own Prince Charming, they're all actually married to the SAME GUY!" Ro looks to the stage entrance and says," O.K, Prince Charming, come on out!"
As the prince strolls out, he stops in fear and disbelief as he realizes he's been tricked: this isn't a show about dealing with hemophilia and venereal disease. Sleeping Beauty turns and says, "Hi, Honey" and is instantly struck in the face with a wooden clog and a glass spike heel and knocked unconscious. Once again, only a kiss from Prince Charming (tm) can awaken her, but he's got other things to worry about.
As she hits the floor, two voices cry out in unison, "That's not your husband!" Snow White and Cinderella turn and scowl at each other. They've worked too hard to Live Happily Ever After (tm), and neither will let some pretty-girl, fairy-tale bitch get in her way.
Rolanda, quite insincerely, says "Now, ladies. Let's calm down and sit down and discuss our feelings." She's instantly hit with a chair across the bridge of her nose. The cat fight will go on, to the delight of the studio audience.
So, Brian, which child-cherished chick challenger champions chastising, choking, checking and chopping to choose cheating Charming?
If you look at just the physical match-up, it has to be a push, just like any one-on-one match-up of Disney divas would be. That's because Snow White, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Alice, Ariel, Belle, Jasmine, Pocahantas, Esmerelda, and Megara are all EXACTLY the same aside from the rotating hair color that doesn't fool anybody over 7. They are all born from the Heroine/Damsel-in-Distress Mold (patent pending) used annually in the Disney Movie Formula (c) at the Disney Movie-Making Factory (tm).
So we must go beyond the Tale of the Tape (tm) and look to other factors, namely training and life experience. What has Cinderella experienced? She was constantly put down by her mean but hardly physically imposing step-family. And they were just three lazy women. What kind of role model is that? Her only friends were mice, most of whom were so out-of-shape that they couldn't defeat a dust bunny. Snow White, on the other hand, was raised in the hood. Taking care of seven tough miner-types is enough to keep any woman in a fighting trim. But who were these dwarves? A group of little people out in the woods? What were they up to? Well, to quote Keenan Ivory Wayans: "When you've got more than 5 midgets, that ain't a family, that's a gang!" Can't you just envision Doc & Co. running around in their size 3 Raiders jackets, their little dwarf switchblades flashing? And, last time I looked, I didn't see any female dwarves running around. Snow was probably fighting those little perverts off at every turn, just like Tim Robbins in Shawshank. Clearly, Snow has grown up street smart, and she'll know how to win a fight, especially when up against someone as soft and sheltered as Cindy.
STEVE: While you've got the time-frame of the conflict correct, and the Disney factor is undeniable, your choice of outcome is obviously short-sighted.
We have to delve into Cinderella's past to understand why she will definitely win this match. She started with nothing. All she did was work, work, work for her step-family. The work made her back strong, her arms like iron, and her demeanor like that of a savage beast. She was in a pit of despair, with not much reason to live. Then, one fateful night, it all changed. She met Prince Charming. There was light in her life again. She had hope and reason to live. Now, Snow White is trying to take it all away from her. With Cinderella's only source of happiness in jeopardy, her fear of her reverting to her former lifestyle will trigger a change. It will bear a remarkable similarity to David Banner after an accidental overdose of gamma radiation. This threat to her will bring out years and years of pent-up Rage(tm). This is no ordinary Rage(tm), but compressed, aged, festering rage from years of toil and hardship. She will avoid going back to her old lifestyle at any cost. And she will back up this rage with her hardened physique.
Meanwhile, Snow White has grown soft from years of being waited on by seven servants. All she does is sing and dance. She'll be destroyed so quickly that the network will need Super Slo-Mo(tm) to see what happened. Cinderella walks away with Prince Charming, and Snow White is left face down on the stage, with a glass slipper imbedded in her skull.
BRIAN: Do you actually know who either of these people are, Steve? Your statements have stretched the limits of reality so far I'm beginning to think you're just making stuff up. Actually, that would explain a lot of things. Hmm...
Anyway, since when was Snow White "waited" on by seven "servants"? She had to clean up after 7 men. Cindy only had to clean up after 3 women. Using the Martha Stewart gender cleaning formula, that means that Snow White had to do 72/3 = 16.3 times as much cleaning as Cinderella (NOTE: this ratio increases by a factor of 2.4 during football season). Thus, if Cindy has "arms like iron", then that makes Snow White Hulk Freaking Hogan (tm). If Cindy is like a "savage beast", then Snow White is like a room full of Disney Lawyers (tm) after they read this match.
And let's consider allies. Snow has 7 pick-axe wielding maniacs on her side. And they're most likely in the studio audience to lend moral support and to work out the lyrics to "Whistle While You Crush Some Skulls." All Cindy has, aside from the useless mice, is that Fairy Godmother. But I imagine she's a bit feeble now. After all, all she could really do then was some simple pumpkin-based party tricks, and those only lasted for a few hours. She clearly was losing her powers then; 50 years later, her magic has run dry. And let's consider what she did for Cinderella: she hooked her up with a man that had already been married to Snow White for 13 YEARS. Despite her pleasant demeanor, I don't think she had Cindy's best interests in mind. I don't know what her sinister agenda is, but expect Cindy to get the business end of any powers she might have left.
The two start scrapping, and after she pins Cindy, Snow starts singing a happy tune. The stampede of happy forest critters that come in to listen crush Cindy to a bloody pulp under their hooves. Then the dwarves grab Prince Charming and go mining for vital organs.
STEVE: ZZZzzzzzz... Oh?! Are you done? I fell asleep after your long-winded, purposeless rantings. Let's see - First of all, it's obvious you alter your math to suit your own purposes, but you neglect some significant factors. First of all, the're dwarves. They're really only half a man at best. Second, evil housemates always create more mess than good ones, by a factor of ten. I have years of personal data to back that up with. Therefore, using your formula, we have Snow White doing (7/2)2/(3*10) = only 41% of the work Cinderella does. With all that extra time, she probably sits on the couch watching game shows and munching potato chips, losing any competitive edge she might have.
And of course, we all know that a fight is not all physical, but mental as well. Any fool knows that Cinderella is the smarter of the two, and thus has the mental edge. This is clearly evidenced by the fact that Snow White was dumb enough to accept a poisoned apple from a strange old woman, who was obviously the witch in disguise. Snow White is about as sharp as a bowling ball, and half as bright (thank you Foghorn).
Cinderella leaves with Prince Charming, but after a few months, Prince Charming decides she's not his type. He leaves her, never to be seen again. It is rumored that he became a willing tenant in the Wicked Witch's dungeon.
Thanks to Andrew Crippen for this match. Other people suggested it as well, but it was his scenario that sold us.
Current Match |
Related & Similar Matches
History Section | Tell a friend about this match
"Now that we've had a chance to calm down, ladies", the Ro-bot continues, talking more to the camera than to the two women who have been roped and duct taped to their chairs, "we'd like to hear which one of you would feels she is the more deserving to spend an all-expenses paid romantic weekend away with the Prince at the Decatur, Illinois Holiday Inn." Rolanda pauses. "Audience's choice, of course".
Once the screaming and woofing from the audience has died down, Rolanda turns to the two women. "Well, Cinderella? Why should it be you?"
"Well, as hard as this is to believe, I still do love him. And I think he still loves me...", admits Cinderella, her eyes full of tears.
"That's not what your step-mother thinks... let's bring her out!". And Cinderella's step-mother emerges from the backstage area. She is much fatter than we remember, dressed in jeans four sizes too small for her, and wearing a t-shirt which declares "I'm not a bitch, I'm the bitch and that's Ms. Bitch to you.". Her hair has been teased to the point of brittleness.
"Honey, I have told you that that man is a no-account piece of trailer park trash." the wicked step-mother declares. "I swear, ever since your pappy was killed in that moonshining explosion, I've had to tell you how to sit up straight... Look at me when I'm talking to you!"
"Can I just say something here?" interrupts the Prince.
"You shut up, bitch." replies the step-mother, wagging her index finger, "or I am gonna come over there and rip off your (expletive) with my (expletive) and use it to paint my (long string of expletives deleted)." The audience roars its approval, several audience members rising with shouts of encouragement.
"Rolanda?" Snow White interjects, "this is why I should be with the Prince, because my love for him has been eternal, and as pure as the driven snow. Just like my name."
Rolanda smirks, "Well we have several former live-in boyfriends who might disagree! Boys?" Out come the seven dwarves, dressed in the latest metal chic, and featuring terrible dental work.
"Yeah Rolanda," opens Doc ofter sitting down, tossing his shouler-length blonde hair over his Megadeth t-shirt. "We thought we had it goin' on with Snow over there, but one day we come home from the mines and she is just gone - no goodbyes, no 'thank yous'. She even skipped out on two months back rent, dammit. Far as I'm concerned, she can have that pretty boy."
Rolanda is with a female audience member on the remote mike. "Yeah, I gots a question for Ms. White? Why would you be leavin' so many fiiiiine pieces of man for this sorry white bread specimen?". The audience howls in agreement.
As the show progresses, Rolanda brings out a family therapist, who ends up throwing up her hands and suggesting that the situation is irreconcilable. The audience concurs, and sends the wicked step-mother and the seven dwarves on the weekend getaway together. Cinderella, Snow White and Prince Charming move to Utah and in short order are scheduled on a Jenny Jones special on polygamy gone wrong.
- Thinkmaster General
Sleeping Beuaty - Narcaleptic
Cinderella - Gold Digger
Snow White - Fairest in the land
Prince Charming - Rich, pretty, and shallow.
No question Prince Charming will choose Snow White to (continue to) be his wife. But frankly, they're all desperate for him. I'm sure he could keep the others as mistresses and they'd feel lucky for it. The Prince will want a little diversion from Snow White's oppressive purity occasionally (Sin-derella?). Why else would he get married three times in the first place. He's a incorigible playboy. They'll have to accept that. Sacrifices must be made when trying to bag royalty.
- Zeebopazod - the Psychoanalyst
With the prize of the Prince gone, the psychological edge of the match falls heavily to Snow White. When Snow White was banished to the forest, she found a job, made some (little) friends, and established herself as a healthy independent individual.
Cinderella, on the other end, spent her time in despair and waited for "her prince to come" and save her. She was so pathetic self help books named a syndrome after her. Also the only other man in her life (her father) let her down too. After her mother's death, he re-married and allowed his new family to stomp all over his daughter. Consequently, once the prince goes down, Cinderella will again collapse in despair.
Snow White easily dispenses of Cinderella. She then starts her new life by rejoining her seven little friends and performing a hostile takeover of the Keebler Elves tree. They live happily ever after munching on Fudge Strip Cookies and enjoying 75% of the profits.
The Evil Queen: Struck by lightning, fell off a cliff, huge boulder landed on top of her.
Wicked stepmother/sisters: Closest thing to revenge Cindy got was their undying hatred and jealosy. (Although the written versions, they inflicted some foot mutilation on themselves, this is the Disney version.)
So here's how things go: Cindy's jealosy powers (and younger, if still ancient body) entice the Prince to choose her. Anybody else would die of a heart attack under that kind of stress at that age, but not Snowy - that bitch couldn't feel a hostile emotion in the middle of a Nazi Death Camp (TM).
Then Snowy's powers kick in - a studio light falls on Cindy, crushing her skull and setting her fairy dress aflame. Some doofus from the wings rushes in with a bucket of liquid to put out the flames, but it turns out to be 100 proof grain alcohol (now what was Rolanda gonna do with that?) instead of water, and sets the entire stage aflame.
The geriatric prince rescues Snow White, hidious old crone that she is, as the studio burns around Cindy and Sleepy. He knows the score...
If you want RAGE(tm) than look no farther than the afore mentioned Disney Villains, sidekicks , thugs, and assorted Riff-Raff(tm) They have been forced to either serve as comic relief (Iago, Percy, Timon & Pumba) or are killed in various grisly ways (thro wn off of roofs, impaled, trapped inside lamps, stabbed to death)
Once these dastardly feinds see the goody-goody princesses that CONSTANTLY steal the spotlight tearing into each other, they all unhinge. They use their assorted evil fanatisms to stomp, tear, and stab the Girls into a bloody mess that resembles a grease stain. Snow White only wins because her tiny little troop of Lackeys carry her out of the studio. (but she DID suffer two broken legs and lost an eye.)
After the carnage, The Disney Villains, sidekicks, thugs, and assorted Riff-Raff(tm) start making THEIR kind of movies. (Natural Born Killers, Pulp Fiction, Chopper Chicks in Zombie Town)
They Lived happily ever $%*@!'n after
"The sneaky brats have the edge, because nice chicks with the need to please will never be good enough for a guys with a choice."
Knowing enough to play "possum", Snow White collapses. "Mah GOODnes
GRACious! Who knew the girl possessed such ... OvahWHELmin'
"What are you talking about?" says Cinderella. "I hardly even touched you! Why are you talking with that accent?"
Knocking Cinderella over, Prince Charming runs to Snow White's side. "Snow! Snow! Speak to me!"
"Mah Prince!" says Snow white, reaching for his face. "Who is the fairest one of all?"
"YOU ARE!" sobs Prince Charming, "YOU AAARRRE!"
"Mah Prince!" says Snow White, even fainter. "Who's getting that lovely clock left by your Grand-mama, me or your Mother?"
"YOU ARE!" sobs Prince Charming, "YOU AAARRRE!"
Snow White gets Prince Charming. Cinderella gets an eating disorder.
- Michael Leung
Sure, Cinderella's bit was almost perfectly assimilated into a Disney Disasterpiece™, except a few minor points (she didn't know the mice, etc. etc.)
Snow White, though, there's a chick with a 'tude. You think the witch fell off a cliff in a lightning storm? Oh, no. She survived and was invited to the wedding. You know what that twisted bitch Snow "I Can't Believe I'm a Psychopath" White came up with for revenge? She had her just-a-bit-more-evil-than-Cindy's-stepmother-but-not-quite-so- evil-as-to-deserve-THIS stepmother clad in red hot iron shoes and made to dance until she died of fatigue and pain.
I tell you, Snow White is NOT some candy-assed lovey dovey tusheytit princess. You fuck with Snow White, and you are in DEEP. She calls upon the power of the EGAR™, that twisted facsimile of the RAGE™ for only the truly sick, to dispatch Cinde "I Actually Kept a Cruel Nickname Like Cinderella" Rella with EXTREME prejudice. No-Show Snow probably snuck an Uzi onto the set for just such an occasion.
After the bloodbath, Snow White identifies (that's right, terminator brackets and binhexed stats on an infrared eyepiece IDENTIFIES) the bippity boppity bitch who spirited away her beau when those creeps at disney were at a loss for new writers and/or pansy names like Prince Charming. Not only was the glass-footed and glass-jawed Cindy not gonna squeeze HER Charmin', no Jenny Craig abusing fairy reject is gonna help her. Snow White gives the signal to Don Doccini stationed in the rafters and he picks the Godmother off with an assault rifle.
End of story. Don't mess with Snow White.
Anyone who remains convinced that she rode a "magic" pumpkin to the ball and has a "fairy godmother" flying around her head has dropped more tabs than Timothy Leary.
She probably spent that "fateful" evening mumbling along to "Inna Gadda Da Vida".
Therefore she never met Prince Charming and her claim on him is null and void.
But acid freaks always win...(I cite Iron Butterfly [see above] and Monster Magnet's "Nega-Sonic-Teenage-Warhead")
- Brian Kutner
- Joe Klemm
Having never worn anything close to heels before, Cinderella was
able not only to dance in painfully ungiving glass high heels, but
after several hours of this, was able to RUN the entire length of
the palace including several flights of stairs.
With legs, calves, and feet of steel like that, she not only literally
kicks the snot out of Snow White, but the Dwarves will be so
distracted by those gams that they won't even be able to help out!
- The Mad Statistician
To end up as a princess, Cinderella had to do one thing: be home before midnight. She couldn't get it done. Choker. She's just fortunate to have hooked up with the horniest prince in all Disney, or she would still be cleaning chimneys. Basically, she had a job, had a place to live, was in no real danger. She just wasn't screwing a prince. Well, cry me a river, you spoiled little baby. Life just sort of sucks like that, most of the time.
Anyway, Snow White would [rout], and ship Cinderella off to the dwarf-porn industry, where she belongs. - Clark Moore, Florida State University (as told to RSFC)
With that, Cinderella breaks her other glass slipper in half, slashes both Snow White and Prince Charming, is put on trial, successfully pleads temporary insanity (although the judge wasn’t certain where the "temporary" fit in), and spends 3 weeks in a mental institute before being discharged with honors.
Today, Prince Charming and Snow White are buried next to each other in a mausoleum out back of the trailer court they had called home. Doc Kneck, after a severe hand-slapping (TM) by the American Psychiatric Association, has written another book—"Infidelity in Animation"—and sees patients three days a week under the name Ward Disno. The seven dwarfs have their own daytime talk show, The Dwarfs, with the slogan, "an emotion for any commotion." Rolanda was sentenced to 20 years as an accomplice to murder. And Cinderella has turned tragedy to triumph. Retired on money received from book and movie-of-the-week deals, she is currently on tour with OJ, making sure there are NO murderers hiding out on ANY golf course in this great land of ours.
- Mark Wentz
- TX WAR EAGL
- LlamaFett- M.Kendall@m.cc.utah.edu
So, Cinderella has Snow White on speed and constitution. The only thing left is for SW to start ear chomping...
- Non-linear Lunkhead
Cinderella, on the other hand, had to perform hard work for years. Any beauty she had was a result of good genetics and natural self-care. Anyone who can work as hard as she did without break for years and still look as good as she did is one tough cook ie.
Hell, Snow White couldn't even stand up against Rose Red and forced Disney to cut her traditional partner from the movie for fear of Rose stealing the show.
- Warren Von
Now, as far as the throw-down goes, I'm afraid that Snow White has it all over Cinderella. The way a character is drawn (defacto) creates the assets and liabilities they have to work with. (I'm not bad - I'm just drawn that way - Jessica Rabbit) Snow White is drawn in a 30's red-round-cheeked big, healthy, girl style that reminds you of Dick & Jane and Cinderella has that late 40s-early fifties painfully thin, mannish, woman sort of thing going on. A stomp on Cindy's delicate little glass-slipper-wearing dainty toes with Snow's hiking boots, followed by the Patented Right-Cross Poison-Apple Punch and it's Cindy's turn to take that twenty-year nap.
Within two minutes, Snow's whistling while she works on the Prince. The tabloids will call her Snow White Bobbitt.
- Web Pilgrim
Just think about it, seven grown men who sing kitchy little work songs. Some, like Grumpy act all gruff and manly, obviously trying to conceal their feminine nature. And remember that despite Snow White being both attractive and the only woman for miles in any direction, none of the dwarves ever tried to get in bed with her.
So what does that leave us with:two bitchy Disney clone women vs seven testosterone charged pick-wielding homosexual dwarves who hunger for some of Pooncy Prince Charming's virgin butt. No contest.
The only real options he has now are the two chicks who got knocked out at the beginning of the fight, Sleeping Beauty and Rolanda. Of course, Rolanda was raised in Harlem so when she wakes up she is going to kick all hell out of both Snow White and Cinderella just for getting pissy on her show. In that case, Charming bends down, kisses Sleeping Beauty, and takes her back home to his castle.
As soon as Snow White and Cinderella realize Prince Charming took off with Sleeping Beauty, they will realize all men are scum and become lesbians. This will delight all the gay people that go to Disneyland and piss of the Baptists even more. They won't only boycott Disney because of the whole "Baptists don't like gay people going to Theme Parks" thing, but they will also boycott anything that even associate themselves with Disney products, such as the Grudge Match. I guess that means we won't have to worry about any more people from Georgia Tech Spamming votes for Mel Gibson, now does it?
Oh, man, am I ever going to get flamed for this one...
- Some Dork
Truth be told, though, Snow White threw the match, as she had gotten tired of her husband's sexual dysfunction. You know the one; she sang about that, too. (Think a moment. It'll, er, occur to you.)
- Call me Shane
For all the grand pontificating, Steve and Brian forgot one critical factor: weaponry. As American Maid(tm) will testify, nothing is more deadly then a well used shoe. And what sort of shoes do each of our dueling princesses have?
Cinderella has the Glass Slippers of Shattering Death(tm), very effective weapons as they decompose on impact into thousands of Mirrored Fragments of Doom(tm), quickly slicing skin and muscle alike. Unfortunatly, each can only be used once and they aren't always fatal. Worse yet, the one which impacted on Sleeping Beauty's nose is now unavailable. Cinderella only has one shot!
Snow White on the other hand, has the Wooden Clodhoppers of Pain(tm). With each one weighing nearly 5 pounds, they HURT. So whether hand-held or worn, the Clodhoppers can repeatedly inflict heavy blows, reducing even the toughest princess to a pile of red goo.
So Snow White, although injured from the glass in her arm, manages to pummle Cinderella into a red paste. The splatters of blood on Snow White's beautiful pale skin delight the studio audience and those at home.
- Nicholas Weaver
Why, you ask?
Because despite docile looks Snow White is actually the head of a Columbian drug cartel, with international connections. A "hit" will be put out for "Little Ms. Cindy" right after the show. Snow White knows enough not to kill in front of a live studio au dience of witnesses.
How do we know Snow White is the head of a cartel? Look at the names of her "dwarves." Dwarves! Ha! Actually they are the enforcers, smugglers, and distributors for her organization. Just look at the names of the dwarves:
Doc--The supplier for the organization. Perhaps cooking up a load of crack with his expertise drugs. Can we say illegal perscription drugs?
Sneezy--Cocaine has destroyed the cartilage in Sneezy's nose, hence his tendency to sneeze, and from that his street name.
Grumpy--What's the matter, can't get your fix?
Bashful--A "recreational" user
Dopey--need I say more
AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST
Snow White herself. Snow White. A Cocaine reference as clear as day, you blind fool!
Snow White: 1
in a ruthless drug hit over a boyfriend. Can American Television get any worse? Nevermind I guess we have the Jenny McCarthy show already...
Note: I fully support the brave men and women of law enforcement that attempt to stop the production and use of illegal narcotics in this country.
- David Handoga, somewhere in Florid
- 1/2 Nelson
Snow White- In the Disney version, the Witch falls off of a cliff. In the Grimm version, she is invited to the wedding of White+Charming, where she is given a pair of magic shoes and asked to dance. But once she starts, she can't stop, and keeps dancing u ntil she bursts into flames and her feet a burnt into stubs.
Cinderella- In the Disney version, the sisters get off more or less free. In the Grimm version, they pretend to be Cinderella by cutting off part of their feet so that they fit the slipper. Charming notices the blood. Then they come to the wedding, where they have their eyes pecked out by pigeons.
This obviously gives us a whole different take on the fight. White has the shoes of death, which she offers to Cinderella. Cinderella already has a pair, and is somewhat wary of strange footwear, so she declines. The slashed-up-foot technique is unavailable to Cinderella, since it involved self mutilation of the part of the sisters, but the birds remain a good ploy. She sends them after Snowy, whose dwarves are unable to reach high enough to stop an air based atta ck. Snow White loses both eyes, her nose, and her eyebrows. This match goes to Cinderella.
- Collin "Grimm" Trail
All that aside, however, I have to vote for Cinderella by reason of the supporting cast. Suppose you're in charge of set security. From one direction seven dangerous-looking men with pickaxes approach the stage. From the other direction comes a harmless-looking old woman. Who are the guards going to stop? The dwarves, of course. Meanwhile the fairy godmother reaches the melee unmolested. And despite Brian's malicious allegation, she really _does_ have Cindy's best interests at heart; it's just that she's not a very skilled fairy. Snow White will recover from being turned into a pumpkin in a few hours; but by that time, the show will be over, and Cinderella will have won.
- Jeffrey Kolb, Hamilton College
Despite Brian's unfair manipulation of real time in a match obviously located in a non-linear "fairy tale" timeline, Snow White is just a kid. She's like, 13, or something. Cinderella on the other hand, is a grown women. Just compare their figures for a moment. It becomes obvious. Then look at height. Snow White is short enough that she could live in a DWARF's house comfortably. And if she isn't, living in that dwarf house must have caused here severe back problems, which would also be to Cindy's a dvantage.
This tale is of two Disney cartoons,
Who were dealt lives of ill opportune.
Both escaped their sorrow and strife,
By becoming a prince’s wife.
Appears they've married the same royal buffoon.
The first girl was named Snow White,
who made a mean queen feel uptight,
Dumped in a forest alone,
Her reputation became known,
For helping seven wee men feel all right.
Meanwhile, a girl named Cinderella,
Was living in her own private hella,
With her stepmother a bitch,
she used the voodoo of her witch,
To hypnotize the kingdom's richest fella.
A legendary battle of princesses will ensue,
And be broadcast "only on pay-per-view."
They'll put up a fight,
But after many ear bites,
They'll soon be yesterday's old TV news.
The prince will watch and be disagreeable,
At his two bickering brides of regal.
The attorneys have intervened.
His vaults will soon be cleaned.
He's screwed... because polygamy is illegal.
While Brian's clever use of the Men's Messiness Sqared(TM) theory was a brilliant insight, Steve correctly inferred that dwarves make only half as much mess as, shall we say, "standard" men. He continued on to say that "evil housemates make 10 times as much mess as good ones". While this is also true (lending creedence to Steve's formula of (7/2)^2 / (3*10) = .408), Steve forgot one important factor:
Furry Woodland Creatures.
We all saw the boundless amount of Furry Woodland Creatures that plagued the Dwarves Cottage, and to an extent, Evil Stpemother's House. Mice, squirrels, birds galore....even a deer or two. After considering this added information, we see that a new variable is added to the mix, and it does not favor Cinderella. While she certainly had her problems with rodent and avian life, it came nowhere close to the sheer onslaught of nature's populace that pervaded the Dwarven abode. Snow White was subject to approximately TWENTY-SIX TIMES the amount of wildlife-related effort that Cinderella was. (Watch the tapes... rabbits, racoons.... its all on video). Animal-mess (thankfully) requires only half the effort to clean that human female Mess does (and only one-quarter that of Man Mess).
Processing this added information, we come to this formula:
(7/2)^2 Man "Mess" divided by the Dwarven denominator
(26/2) Snow White's Furry Woodland Creature "Mess"
(3*10) Woman's "Mess" multiplied by the Evil Housmate Factor
(1/2) Cinderella's minimal Furry Woodland Creature "Mess"
[(7/2)^2 + (26/2)] / [(3*10) + (1/2)] = .827
or Snow White does less than 83% of the work Cinderella does.
Therefore we see that Steve was indeed correct, even though his calculations were a little off. Whether this would be enough to allow Cinderella to triumph over Snow White in a battle to the death is something i must leave up to someone more qualified than me.
It's clear that Snow White would not just win the cat fight. She'd use mining techniques learned from the Dwarves to prevent Prince Charming (tm) from producing any lying little cheats like himself. Then she'd walk out of the studio alone and leave him bleeding on the stage.
- Kathy Jeppson & Tracy Parizek
Also, there is the psychological factor to consider. lest we forget, Snow was an innocent victim of the machinations of an evil witch. Cinderella WAS the evil witch! She lied, cheated, broke the laws of physics itself just for a choice piece of ass! What will she do with her life on the line? You bet! Whatever it takes. Snow just doesn't have the heart to go the distance. She's a born victim, a loser, a lightweight.
- Delbert P. Sweeney, Esq.
Snow White became a fugitive at 14, and was rescued and married the same year. She's had nothing but pampering since then. Cinderella, orphaned and enslaved before she was ten, spent until she 19 as a slave in her step-mothers' household before she was spotted across the room by trigomistic Prince Charming.
Snow White was spoiled beyond her years BEFORE marrying the prince; Cinderella at least had to use her brain and skills a bit before marrying back into luxury.
I think it's clear...Cinderella has the brains, the brawn, and the will to sweep the floor with Snow White, before moving on to her "loving" husband. She'll knock him cold, sue for divorce, start her own cozy little kingdom, and become the Camille Paglia of late medieval times.
- Ben & Mariellen Menix
SLEEPING BEAUTY: I know she is already unconscious, but it's not like it makes a difference. The most surprising thing about this tale is the title character does absolutely nothing for the entire story except prick her finger. She's born, she's cursed, she falls asleep for a hundred years, she wakes up and lives happily ever after without her lifting a finger. Heck, the fairies even make her beautiful, charming and witty so her genetics don't even matter. The princess can be replaced by a potted plant (or Tori Spelling in a pinch) without affecting the story much.
Then for the final disgrace, in some lesser known versions of the story the hormonally excited prince cannot get the princess to wake up so he (I SWEAR THAT I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP) rapes her while she is asleep, leaves her pregnant with twins and forgets the whole thing. Then to top it all off, after she discovers what happened, she gladly becomes his mistress. So much for the Rage(tm) over the prince's infidelity. And anyway, if the prince survives this fiasco, he may decide an unconscious princess might not be such a bad idea, if you know what I mean.
SNOW WHITE: First off, how stupid is Snow White? In the original fairy tale, she falls for the "disguised evil queen with the poisoned object" bit not once but THREE times. I mean, most people after being murdered once get a bit paranoid. People get downright anti-social after it happens again. But not Snow White! "Sure, let me eat that rather ordinary apple. The only visitors I've had here have tried to kill me but you couldn't possibly be a danger. Oh, and while you're here, could you sell me some Lawn Darts and a one way ticket to Miami on ValueJet." Cinderella will only have to offer her that harmless looking cyanide and razor blade cupcake and watch Snow White keel over.
However, her childish behavior starts to make sense once you read the Brothers Grimm version. Snow was SEVEN YEARS OLD when she was poisoned and lapsed into a coma. This leads to two disturbing conclusions: (1) the prince married a seven-year-old (NOTE: this might explain Michael Jackson's fascination with Disneyland) or (2) the prince married a teenager with the IQ of a seven-year-old. In either case, she is much more interested in dolls than the prince and has no attention span or fighting experience.
CINDERELLA: She is the only one with any real ability. Forced to be a lowly servant and sleep by the ashes (hence, 'Cinder'-ella) in order to stay alive, she still bags the prince. And unlike the other two princesses, she actually has to work for it, winning the prince with her natural beauty and charms while fooling her entire family and everybody else. True, she needed the help of a fairy godmother, but all she did was level the playing field. To lessen her achievement would be like saying David cheated to defeat Goliath because he had God on his side. Get Real!(tm)
The real key is that Cinderella is not above using violence to end this dispute. In the Brothers Grimm tale (unlike the sanitized Mother Goose/Disney one), her stepsisters are punished by having their eyes pecked out by pigeons and this was after they cut off toes to make that slipper fit and bled all over the place. Now combine this with the fact in this version Cinderella was able to command the birds to help her, this could result in a scene that would scare Alfred Hitchcock. But then again, if birds slaughtered Rolanda and her studio audience, it might be the most worthwhile episode in the show's history. Due to her superior skills and for good taste on television, Cindy is the clear winner. She dumps the prince and makes millions as the new host of Rolanda (deceased).
NOTE: Afterwards, Prince Charming is convicted of rape, child abuse and two counts of bigamy and spends Happily Ever After(tm) in prison getting intimate with his cellmate "Bubba" and a magic bar of soap.
- Paul Golba
Yes, you read it right, he needs her to rescue him because Prince Charming couldn't rescue a helium balloon from the grip of gravity. Prince Charming, riding his horse, gallantly going out and rescuing damsels in distress? Baloney. Snow was on her way to being the chief of the AFL-CIO after rising through the ranks of the United Brotherhood of Mine Workers. The Wicked Witch was a high-ranking management drone who wanted to make Snow another Jimmy Hoffa, but poisoned apples are easier to grab than several pounds of concrete pre-mix. Sleeping Beauty had started a textile and clothing line rivaling anything that Cheryl Tiegs and Kathy Lee Gifford could put out, before she was caught napping and had a clumsy accident with a spinning wheel and stick pin. And Cindy was spear-heading a dual attempt to garner respect for the downtrodden in her corner of the kingdom. The only reason she went to the ball at all was because as the president of the local chapter of P.E.T.A. and founder of the Support Group for Domestic Workers she had to go to the ball to distribute flyers, start a riot, and generally create a public nuisance and embarrassing circumstance for the royalty. Cindy talked so long to her dance partner about animal rights and domestic abuse cases that it took him three hours to tell her that he was the prince. Embarrassed to be seen dancing with a member of the oppressive ruling class, Cindy dashed out so fast it made the Prince's head spin. But back to the story at hand.
Sleeping Beauty wakes up again, sees Charming, and starts beating him with her natural-fiber hand-woven purse. "You bastard! You promised me a life away from all those inquiring cameras and nosy reporters who wanted to know about my business practices involving forced child labor, and then you convince me to be on this show, saying it will show my commitment to marriage and family values. You hypocrite! If you ever darken my doorstep again I'll pierce your worthless hide through with a thousand darning needles!"
"Not until I'm done with him!" shouts another voice from the audience, and Rapunzel, her red hair done up tastefully in a French twist, bounds onstage wielding a wooden hairbrush. As she throws Charming across her knees and smacks the small of his back with the brush, she yells, "Twenty years ago you ride up to my tower, convince me that you're going to take me away from all this, pull and climb on my hair so that you can get your lard-butt self into my panties, and get me knocked up. Then when my Mom found out and threw me out, dumping me in some God-forsaken part of the kingdom, did you try to rescue me? No, you only wanted to find me so my tears could heal your eyes after Mom scratched them out and tossed you out of the tower. You made some stupid excuse that you'd send for me when times got better. Well listen, bucko, I don't need your so-called help anymore. In case you hadn't heard, I opened up a chain of high-class salons and the twins and I are doing very well, no thanks to you."
"You own R-and-R salons?" asks Sleeping Beauty, "I go there all the time! It's so relaxing, after a hard day's work." Prince Charming, now a pile of bruises and welts, is dumped uncermoniously onto the floor. "I love the fact that you use animal-free and cruelty-free products!"
"Yes, and our hair stylists and nail artists are all licensed and unionized," replies Rapunzel. At these words, Cindy and Snow pause in their quest to tear the other to pieces. "Did you say cruelty- free?" "A Pro-Union corporate stance?" "We love you!" as they embrace Rapunzel.
"Hey, hold it, you gals are a mess. Especially you, Cindy." Indeed, Cindy, while having the advantage of spike glass heels, has been torn up rather badly by Snow. "How about we spend the afternoon at the R-and-R on Majestic Drive? My treat, and you two could sure use it," offers Sleeping Beauty.
- Sunita Bhatia , email@example.com
However Brian, you are not without error. It is a serious mistake to believe that the seven holy terrors will side with their one time domestic partner, Snow White. After risking their necks to save Snow White from the wicked queen, building a golden coffin to house the sleeping girl, and keeping daily vigil over her to protect her and take care of her, she runs off with the first rich, pretty-boy prince that comes alone with nary a "so long and thanks for all the flowers" to her 'friends'.
Oh no, these dimunitive fireballs will be looking for an opportunity to get back at this hussy, and this situation is just what they were looking for. Just as Snow White starts to grab the hair of Cinderella, a keenly-edged battle axe the size of a volkswagon will flash as if from no where, and Snow White's head will hit the floor with a sickeningly wet thud. As her brain uses up the last bit of oxygen before turning off completely, a look of complete unbelief will cross her once beautiful face.
Cinderella will hire the seven as her personal bodyguards and will send one each night to her husband's chambers to kick the crap out of him for humiliating her on national television.
...and they lived happily ever after.
1) Cinderella had to work for her step-family all her life, while Snow White had to do it for a couple months at the most. Cinderella had muscle build up a long time in the making.
2) It's a fact, if you watch the movie, that Snow White cries more. So she's a sissy. I don't care if you're the size of Arnold, if you cry cause you can't get out of the forest then you ain't gonna be able to kick anyone's ass. You'd probable end up on the floor curled into a ball.
Kick my vote over to Cinderella. Snow White's a wimp!
If you liked this match, check out these other past
Microsoft v. Disney
Martha Stewart v. Kathie Lee Gifford
Imelda Marcos v. Leona Helmsley
Awards | Commentators | Real Life | Fun Stuff | Studio Store
© 1997, WWWF Grudge Match; © 2000, Dragon Hamster Productions, LLC