Inside the world famous Mann's Chinese Theatre in Hollywood, everything is quiet for today the theatre has been rented for a very special showing. The silence is broken first by the sounds of a Bigguns magazine being dragged across the carpet followed closely by two stalking teenagers.
"Heh heh. Hey Butthead! This movie is going to rock!"
"No it's not, dumb-ass. It's gonna rule!"
While the two head-bang to their own rendition of "Iron Man", another pair arrive in their seats, the larger of the two visibly shaken. "Gene, it's impossible. I was at your funeral. This is a completely implausible plot development."
"Do I look like a ghost, Roger? I think you must have fallen asleep watching Heaven Can Wait."
"You know I'd never do anything like that. The original film, Here Comes Mister Jordan, was far superior ..."
At that instant, a transporter beam sounds and a man and two robots appear. "Great, Mike," Crow T. Robot says. "After all that work on our escape attempt, we materialize inside ANOTHER MOVIE THEATRE!"
"No problem, guys. Whatever's showing here has to be better than what we've seen before."
"THINK AGAIN, JANITOR-BOY!" A green-lab-coated scientist appears on the movie screen, rubbing his hands in glee. "Yes, it is I, the great Dr. Clayton Forrester, who in death has become master of time and space. And now I will get REVENGE!."
Bars crash down over the exits, as leather straps pull themselves taut across the seven victims, trapping them in their seats. "Oh, good one, Mike," Tom Servo says, dripping with sarcasm.
"I have quite the masterpiece of cinematic root-canal for you: "Showgirls in Beverly Hills", starring Elizabeth Berkley, Tori Spelling, Keanu Reeves, and William Shatner. The script is by Joe Eszterhas, Ed Wood directs, and Yoko Ono collaborated with Vanilla Ice on the soundtrack."
"But I am a merciful god. The chairs will release you once the movie's done ... and ten minutes before the theater blows up. The doors will allow one group to escape. Those not already rendered comatose will have to fight for the privilege. So, any questions?"
"Yeah," Ebert says. "Those three I understand, but why the cartoons, and me? And why resurrect Gene just for this?"
"Why, because I'm evil. EVIL! Mwahahahahahaaaaaaa!"
So, Mark, which clutch of critics will keep cool and controlled during this crummy celluloid catastrophe?
MARK: Let's look at Siskel and Ebert. (Yuck, maybe not.) The most controversial thing they've done was spilling the beans on the ending of The Crying Game.
Oooh, color me trepidant.
The most controversial thing MST3K has done is show non-sci-fi movies.
RUN FOR THE HILLS, MA! IT'S THE THIRD SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE!!
Beavis and Butthead, on the other hand, have been blamed for houses burning down.
HOUSES BURNING DOWN!
Siskel, Ebert, and the MST3K gang are not even in the same league.
Moreover, if the movie itself doesn't get them, Siskel and Ebert will probably go into indignant comas over the constant chattering of the other five contestants. Crow will contract a case of Beavis and Butthead vs. stompable plastic syndrome. Tom Servo will be blinded by Beavis and Butthead jamming nickels into his eyes in hopes of getting a gumball. And Mike? Well, Doc Forrester will NEVER let Mike win (and Mike really won't seem to mind anyway).
As far as surviving a bad movie, Beavis and Butthead rarely seem cognizant of their situation. Plus, it's not like they have standards in their entertainment. They aren't likely to realize the true ineptitude of the movie. As long as women are involved, they'll be happy. They will simply watch Tori and Elizabeth in the hopes of seeing cleavage.
Once the movie ends, speed will be of the essence. After an hour and a-half without nachos, Beavis and Butthead will be in withdrawal and will zoom nonstop to the nearest Mexican fast food restaurant. Finally, it's a movie theater, right? There isn't a movie theater manager in the world that would let customers get away with not buying sugar globs at exorbitant prices. The manager will send some candy vendors out and one will get a little too close to Beavis. It's not long before ol' Beavis becomes Cornholio--the others are powerless against the wrath of his bunghole(TM).
The winners of this no-brainer match are, quite fittingly, Beavis and Butthead.
JOHN: This one's easy. We need look no further than the first axiom of the martial arts: Fat Man + Undead = Victory. When Gene Siskel was alive, this would have still been a one-sided affair. Now that he's come back from the grave as a zombie, this is an even easier gimme. First of all, common sense tells us that it's impossible to bore the living dead, and for his part, Ebert wrote Beyond the Valley of the Dolls, for gravy's sake! How much damage can this movie do to him?
Aside from Mark's usual glaring errors - his obsession with the apocalypse, the first ever recorded association of the concepts "Beavis and Butthead" and "swift", does ANYONE buy the idea that Roger Ebert would not set new land speed records to Where The Nachos Are? Sure, Beavis and Butthead would arrive a few seconds later, dragged in by his wake.
And the presence of Tom Servo and Crow will actually work against the MST3K crew, owing to the highest order law of robotics - all robots must eventually turn against their masters. As for Mike, he's no match for Ebert. As a precedent for fat men vs. beanpoles, I refer you to the case of Bundy, King Kong vs. Jones, Special Delivery, Wrestlemania I, 1985. I see Ebert splashing Mike into the concession stand and going for the five count amongst the ju-jubes and ho-hos (huh huh, he said "hos"), followed by Siskel seeking the favorite movie snack for zombies - human brain.
So, to paraphrase Mark, it's Siskel and Ebert in a one-brainer - Mike's.
SHANE: Sorry, guys, but this match is made for the MSTies. They're in their element, one for which they've trained year after year, without hope of reprieve. Siskel and Ebert are soft: for every Police Academy sequel they've endured, there's been a Fargo or Saving Private Ryan to ease the Deep Hurting. And John, Ebert has written not one, but three stinkbomb movies. The later two were under pseudonyms. He can't stand proximity to his own garbage: how do you expect him to survive a Showgirls sequel?
Speaking of that, this movie is guarantee to be B&B's downfall. John's nurse noted brilliantly in the last match how our Thinkmaster was reduced to catatonia by the world's worst porn. The sequel's bound to be worse still, and the paradox of unarousing nudity will cause those dim-bulbs' brains to short out. Add to that Tom and Crow's usual esoteric banter involving Harold Pinter, Marcello Mastroianni, and Manos: The Hands of Fate, and their heads will just explode(though there's not enough in there to pose any shrapnel threat to the others).
As for robots turning on their masters, well, Tom and Crow have never played by The Man's rules. Way back in 1989, their ex-owner Joel tried to teach them the Three Laws of Robotics(, Isaac Asimov). They both ignored Joel, and started making up their own laws. Besides, they'd be ashamed to act in a way that's a cliche in so many of the movies they've been forced to watch. They will act out of enlightened self-interest, riffing mercilessly on the movie, then showing that wimpy "Robots may not harm human beings" laws don't apply to cartoons, zombies, or bad screenwriters.
The winners, in a positronic-brainer, will be Mike and The 'Bots.
The official Siskel & Ebert page offers good memorials of Gene Siskel.
Alex Fung's site has over two years of Siskel & Ebert capsule summaries.
In case you aren't familiar with Mystery Science Theater 3000, read their official FAQ.
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Beleive it or not, this is all a Rube Goldberg for getting a noisy theater patron to leave the theater.
Beavis (a) and Butthead (b) see a tree (c) on the screen (d) and spend two solid minutes laughing about wood. The spit (e) flecked from their lips slicks down the theater floor (f) sending a slush of popcorn kernels and Gummi bears (g) sliding down towards the first row. Mike (h) and the Bots (i,j) are disgusted by the sludge, and show it through Steve McQueen and Fawlty Towers references (k). Mike stands on his chair (l) to avoid icking up his neato Keds (m) but since the Bots have no usable legs, their puppeteer (n) gets on a chair with one balanced on each hand. Crow makes a Valujet comment and defenstrates himself on an empty seat (o). He bounces off and goes flying into the balcony (p), where Siskel and Ebert (q, r) immediately throw him at the projector (s) so they can go back to dreaming about the first time they saw Babe: Pig in the City. The projector breaks just after the screen appearance of Elizabeth Berkeley (t, u). Beavis and Butthead, used to what they watch being four minutes long, stop laughing and leave the theater for a burrito (v).
Now if someone could sketch a corresponding diagram illustrating this, it would be complete. Aspiring artists, good luck drawing (k).
- Kilgore Trout
Now I have survived more then my share of bad movies. I sat through Slave Girls From Beyond Infinity on the first try. I have watched the legendary Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell. I have seen Hell Comes to Frog Town twice. And I even made it through Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death. I speak from experience when I tell you that there are only two things that can get you through a movie that bad.
A: Witty comments
B: Severe Sexual frustration that allows you to get a cheap thrill out of almost anything (don't ask me which one I had to rely on)
Now lets look at the contestants: Mike and the bots will easily use Witty Comments to save thier sanity. Beavis and Butthead will also survive, I mean are there two more sexually frustrated people on the planet? However Siskel and Ebert are toast. I mean sure there is probably a lot of sexual frustration in those two (I mean how often do you think they date) but they are also sexually repressed which renders their sexual frustration usless. And as for witty comments, please don't make me laugh. By the end of the movie they will be deep in a coma and will not recover before the entire theater blows up. Even if they did recover I can't see either of them running for more then 8 steps before they become so winded that they have to stop and catch their breath.
This still leaves us with two sets of critics in a condition to escape however there is something you have to remember. Mike and the bots are witty and intelligent. Beavis and Butthead are as dumb as a rock and have the same sense of self preservation as a lemming. I mean these are the two kids that played catch with a live grenade once. During the final credits just as the two groups are relased Crow leans over and whispers to Beavis and Butthead "You know there is a full nudity secene at the end of the credits". Of course Beavis and Butthead will want to stay around and see this (sexual frustration cuts both ways) and Mike and the Bots can take thier time and pick up some popcorn before escaping. From a safe distance they watch as the building explodes. Just as they are getting ready to leave they hear a voice say "THAT WAS COOL HUH HUH HUH!!! And Siskel and Ebert's severed thumbs land at their feet.
- Spamboy (still better then working)
After an analysis of the factors involved in the movie itself, it's obvious that Siskel and Ebert will be victorious.
1)The movie contains Elizabeth Berkley which means that she'll spend at least 80% of the movie in various stages of undress to distract from her, ahem, talent. Once Beavis and Butthead see just the tiniest amount of nudity they'll be unable to stand up to leave the theater (you know what I'm talking about, huh huh). Plus they'll probably want to stick around and watch the place explode in the hopes of seeing some FIRE! FIRE!!
2)The movie contains William Shatner. The MSTers have been waiting to get a shot at mocking him for nearly ten years. They'll spend the entire movie making obscure references to Star Trek and Rescue 911.
And that's why Siskel and Ebert will win. If there's anything legitimate movie critics hate it's people who talk during movies. That's all that Mike and the 'bots do. Siskel and Ebert will unleash their pent up anger upon their release, and MST3k will be incapable of stopping them.
Servo? His head falls off on its own all the time, so he'll be taken out early. Crow?? His head is a freakin' soap dish! A soap dish! It won't be pretty when Ebert crushes Crow's fragile frame under his immense bulk.
After dispatching the robots, Siskel and Ebert will give the movie two thumbs down. Two thumbs down into Mike's eyes! After rendering their only real competition sightless and friendless, Siskel and Ebert will calmly stroll out of the theater to safety.
You bet your ass the balcony is closed.
- King of No Media
You fools! There are some things that are simply too evil to release into the mortal world. You do not rouse the Great Old Ones from their aeons-long slumber beneath the waves, you never sign a contract with Satan, no matter how appealing, you absolutely never use Worcestershire Sauce as embalming fluid, and you *don't* mess around with Jim.
Yet the thing you've done is worse. While your scientific goals are admirable, there are some things Humanity was not meant to know.
I can see the scene in the Grudge Central Building now. Three grudgemeisters " are in the control room, monitoring the film from afar&
G #1: Ooh baby! Look at them squirm! <sounds of terror and pain from the monitors, and faint cries of "Please, just let us watch Manos again. Please, we're begging you!" The hint of a terrifyingly bad soundtrack can just be heard, but the filters appear to be doing their job of keeping most of it out.> That was a really nice touch, BTW, bringing Siskel back from the dead. Zombies always add a little je ne sais quoi to a match. <cue zombie groans>
G #2: <enjoying the sight of a zombie in pain> I agree& waitaminute - I thought you reanimated him.
G #2: Not me. G #3?
G #3: <looks up from the pleasant sight of Beavis' cartoon flesh melting from his cartoon bones> Nope, me neither.
Just then, there is a flash as the entire bank of remote monitors goes up in an explosion of flame and sparks. A few grudge-ensigns, horribly burned, are flung across the room, crumpling in a bloody heap. Our gudgemeisters, scorched but not seriously harmed, emerge from the smoking and wreckage, looks of dawning horror on their faces.
G #3: It was the movie, wasn't it? It was so evil it brought Gene Siskel back from the dead to review it.
G #2: <Does some quick calculations on his watch> He's right, and it gets worse. According to my calculations, the power of this movie is such that it can overwhelm the living.
G #1: Surely it can't be that bad? We safety-tested this thing before we sent it out, didn't we?
G #2: <sheepish> Um, well, I had a hot date that night, and I was pretty sure it was bad enough, so I well, kinda, cancelled the test screening.
G #1: Oh my God&
<Cut to the nighttime streets of Hollywood, where a pack of oddly mismatched zombies burst from the back of Mann's Chinese Theatre. They pounce upon a passing hooker, muffle her cries, and drag her struggling form back into the theatre, where the movie is still showing. Transfixed by it's evil power, she is unable to move. You can see the zombification process begin&>
G #1: <Yelling into a bright red phone> Yes, I do mean all of them - Godzilla, the Brady Bunch, The Chihuahuas, even Peewee with the broken glass glued to his knuckles! - The entire f***ing Grudge Militia "! This is a puce alert! I repeat, a puce alert!
<Cut to a dimly lit projection booth. The soundtrack of the Rocky Horror Picture Show can be heard in the background. A bunch of Zombies bust in, grab the projectionist, and hurriedly change the film reels. Screams from the theatre as the horrible soundtrack wafts in&>
G #2: <on the phone> Get out of there now Mr. T! The Zombies will be there any moment! We need you here at Grudge Central! <crashes come from the phone> Mr. T! Mr. T! Talk to me! <looks at the camera, striken> Good God we've lost him!
<Streets of LA, dawn. Two gangs, three cars full of cops, and a Predator are involved in a vicious gunfight. Suddenly, a Zombies flood the scene, ignoring the bullets and plasma bolts, grab everyone (the Predator does dismember five first) and drag them off to their doom.>
G #3: <talking into a "phone" that looks like it was made by ET out of sex toys> Grudge Central to dimension 8, Grudge Central to dimension 8, come in dimension 8! <static> Goddammit! <trashes machine in frustration.>
<Outside of LA, late afternoon. The city itself seems deserted. A rag-tag yet impressive collection of monsters, heroes, and losers approaches through the smog. From atop Godzilla's back, G #1 speaks out of a megaphone.>
G #1: Zombies! This is the Grudge Militia "! Lay down your movie reels and come out! We can help you!
<There is no response. Everything is eerily quiet. The Grudge Militia " shifts about uncomfortably. Suddenly, Zombie hands emerge from the ground beneath their feet! Ambush! Most of the losers go down instantly, and the heroes and monsters are struggling. The mighty Godzilla is brought low as a Zombified Japanese Civil Defense Force unexpectedly uses the top-secret Godzilla-Destroying device, first.>
G #2: <Conan and Wesly battling Zombies together to protect him>: We've been ambushed! Not gonna last much longer! Use the Superlaser to cauterize the entire area!
<Cut to orbit. The Death Star rotates menacingly to bring the Superlaser to bear on Hollywood. Cut inside, were we se a technician frantically twisting a dial all the way down from "destroy planet" to "grill cheese", then back up again to an intermediate setting.>
Zombie John McLane: <Zombie voice> Yippie Kai-
<Cut outside - the Death Star explodes>
<Dennis Rodman is being wrestled to the ground by a Zombie. Other Grudge Militia members are going down in the background.
Just as all seems lost, dozens of explosions occur throughout the battle. The chatter of machine gun fire is heard. The Spruce Goose strafes the battle, amazingly only hitting Zombies despite it's erratic flight path and hastily duct-taped on chain guns. Cue A-Team theme.>
Mr. T.: <Bloody, exhausted, but still full of fight> Get out of here, fools! Regroup at Grudge Central! We'll hold them off!
<Montage of news footage showing the Zombies winning the battle to take control of the Earth. Disaster after disaster befalls the Grudge Militia. Moments of GM heroics are shown. (The last stand of the Rottweiler's weight in Chihuahuas is particularly moving.) Brief scene of mad-scientist type explaining how the evil power of the Movie is warping the very structure of reality to make stopping it impossible.>
<Grudge Central Control room, under a table. Our three Grudgemeisters are sharing a bottle of Tequila. Explosions and sounds of battle are heard outside.>
G #1: <takes a big swig> You know, maybe we should be out there with the Militia.
<They look at each other.>
G #1,2&3: <simultaneously> Nah.
<Loud explosion outside. With a crash, a badly mauled Raptor flies through the window. Tromping sounds are heard approaching from the hall.>
G #2: <swigs> This it, guys. Been nice knowing you.
<G #3 hands out suicide pills from his Pez Dispenser. The G's prepare to swallow. The door busts in, and there stands & Steve and Brian!>
Steve: <thunderous> Foolish apprentices! What hast thou wrought?
G #1,2&3: <fearful babbling>
Brian: Enough! Be glad we are here to save you!
<Brain looks briefly at his watch -zoom in - it says 11:58PM, 12-31. Cut to a movie theatre - ranks of zombies are watching the Movie. Pan to the back, zoom into projection booth, zoom in on projector. Looks pretty high tech. A small LED clock can be seen, the seconds rapidly approaching 12:00. At 11:59:59, there is a puff of smoke, and the thing explodes! A zombie ensign is flung across the projection booth, horribly burned.>
<Grudge Central - the sounds of combat have ceased. Faint cheering can be heard from outside.>
Steve: I hope you all have learned your lesson on this one.
G 1,2&3: <reverently> We have oh great Grudge Ancestors.
<Camera slowly draws back, showing a devastated world. Roll credits. As the Earth is just a speck in the distance, we pan into the window of a great interdimensional craft. Steve is talking to Brian.
Steve: So, what would we have done if they hadn't had the film mastered at Microsoft Film division?
Brian: Don't be silly. If they hadn't, we wouldn't have been needed in the first place.
<fade to black>
Tom Servo: <voiceover> Jeez, and we though _Manos_ was bad.
Sadly, I need some logic, too, so here goes.
This film is going to be bad porn. This will do one of two things. Do damage through its bad aspect, or do damage through its porn aspect.
In the case of Ebert (and possibly Siskel, although, since he's dead it's a tough call) porn is nothing new, and, trained to look for quality, he will be blasted by the terrible badness of this film. Like our own beloved Thinkmaster General, he will be defeated by the horror of a realy bad film, and rendered catatonic.
Beavis and Butthead, however, are still young, impressionable, vulgar, and probably starved for pornography. They will be so overcome with hormones upon viewing this vulgarity with relatively untainted eyes that they will be overcome with lust (which cannot be gratified, since the actresses will be on the silver screen). They will just sit in their seats and shake faster and faster until they explode. Either that, or they will get right in front of the screen, someone will say "down in front," and Zombie-Siskel will kill them both.
I'm not sure what will happen to Mike in this case. He has probably seen enough porn to be moderately jaded, but he's seen enough bad movies to be difficult to kill that way. Of course, he has been alone in a spaceship for years. He could go either way, or, perhaps, survive. The robots, presumably more aroused by alternating current than by an display of flesh, will be safe.
So, assuming the most people possible survive conscious and mobile, we will have a weakened Mike and his robots versus Zombie-Siskel. That alone should be a mighty impressive match. I guess it depends on how well Zombie-Siskel was embalmed. I couldn't say for sure, having missed the funeral. Still, Crow looks like he's got plenty of spiky bits on him, so he could attack, or be used as a hand weapon by Mike to tear rotting bits off of Zombie-Siskel.
Alternately, we couldt get technical, and say that although only one group can leave, perhaps an individual from another group could also escape, so the Mystery Science Theatre group can get out, and Zombie-Siskel, but not the great reviewing team of Siskel and Ebert, can escape as well, to return to his grave.
- Field Marshall J A "Dusty" Sayers, O.St.D.
*ahem* back to the match... I have to go with the MST3K folks. Sure, the undead Gene Siskel is there, providing the only major challenge to Mike and the Bots. Roger Ebert would have a major cardiac arrest once he sees the horror that is "Showgirls in Beverly Hills." Gene will become so bored, he decides to return to the afterlife. That leaves only the MST gang and Beavis and Butthead. BUT WAIT!!! Who is missing in all this? Hmmm.... Surely the SoL crew wouldn't escape with their beloved robot pal and only female crew member, Gypsy!.... With Gene and Ebert out of the picture and B&B and the MST3K crew still tied up, a massive bash to the back of B&B's heads cause both a wacky "empty coconut sound effect"(TM), and the Mike Judge characters to become unconscious. Being the only group left, the straps are lifted once the movie is over and Mike and the Bots rush out of the theater!......... Right into the clutches of Forrester, who activated a tractor beam on the Satellite of Love sending Mike and crew back to the SoL to further Forrester's experiments. However, Forrester gets his comeuppance when TV's Frank takes to doing endless Beavis and Butthead impressions and the undead Siskel and Ebert ransack Deep 13.
Turn Down the Lights (Where Applicable).
MST3K club member #65490
- Wonka, aka Noel Schornhorst :)
As for Siskel and Ebert, one is the living dead, the other is a heart attack waiting to happen. No speed or muscular strength in sight!
Therefore the winner of this grudge match is clear by process of elimination. Besides, few things are worse than bad science fiction.
All three groups have a natural immunity to bad movies. Beavis and Butthead are too stupid and have too short of an attention span to be seriously harmed. Siskel and Ebert have a strong resistance having seen all the movies released over the past twenty-five years. And of course, the MST3K crew have been force fed movies infinitely worse than than this relatively tame fair. (That's right, tame. Bring in a fertilizer salesman from El Paso to direct local models with no sound recording and then we'll start getting to their level.)
So, we can assume that all three pairs can easily survive this movie to the point where the door open and they can escape. Here is where things fall apart as two of our teams constantly bicker with each other. As soon as the credits are done Siskel and Ebert will begin arguing about which part of the movie was worse. While they will not take too long, the arguement does last long enough. Meanwhile, Beavis and Butthead can't go ten feet without beating on each other and they've been tied down for two hours. All that pent up agression is going to be released in a spree of comic slapstick that would last long after the given period of escape. Then there is Mike and the Bots who have stuck together through thick and thin across three channels and two cancellations. They're trained to leave the theater as the movie ends and begin a wacky skit outside. Their learned bad movie survival insticts will save them as they walk out of the building to give the fan club address.
- Joel Mathis, who can't resist the opportunity to plug Jabootu's Bad Movie Dimension
As for Beavis and Butthead, the first naked woman onscreen will drive them into a state of frustrated catatonia - at which point the ink they're composed of will melt into a sticky movie theater puddle under the seats.
That leaves Mike and the gang - hardened veterans of truly terrible movies. The thumbs pair never had to survive Manos, and B&B wouldn't stand a chance against Radar Secret Service. So Mike will emerge victorious yet again - and then get their show renewed for another season *hint! hint!*
True, Eiskel and Sebert are battle-hardened veterans of some of the worst cinematic atrocities in the last twenty years. And, true, B&B don't really have the wattage to get truly fried.
But just wait until William Shatner bares his flabby self for his big strip-tease number! The B-boys will be stunned senseless. S&E have no experience getting OUT of a theater quickly. Matter of fact, I don't think they ever left 'the balcony.'
Only Mike and the Bots have the evacuation instinct drilled into them. Once those credits role, look out California! This dangerously repressed trio will out of the theather and out on the town!
- Cody Ackbare
- Charge Man
Nor do I need to point out that Roger Ebert will be helpless to defend himself against his undead friend, as the construction crew he's commisioned to remove him from his theater chair isn't scheduled to arrive until the movie's over.
I especially don't need to point out that knowing Beavis and Butthead's taste in music, they'll actually like Ice and Yoko's musical collaboration and upon hearing it will slip out of those S&M straps on their seats and get up to do that insipid stock- animation dance of theirs.
And if there's only one thing in the world that I don't need to point out, it's that Dr. Forrester's Acme Zap-O-Matic Automated Defense System will misinterpret this dance as an escape attempt and vaporize the two of them in a haze of half- assed special effects.
All the previous arguments do not need to be pointed out. Only one thing needs to be pointed out:
Crow T. Robot is a demigod.
As any MST3K fan who's worth his disorganized pile of videotaped episodes will be a little too eager to point out, the original voice of Crow was Trace Beaulieu, the same actor who played Dr. Forrester. The return of the good doctor means that Crow's voice will revert to the original, thus infusing him with the essence of the now-omnipotent mad scientist. With this kind of power on his side, Crow will easily enable his friends to weather this travesty of filmmaking (not because of any concern for them, mind you, it's just that he likes the company).
At the end of the movie, Mike and the 'Bots wil stroll casually up the aisle, passing two charred lumps (who are still giggling) , a lanky ghoul (who's still licking brain-bits off of his fingers), and a very corpulent corpse (who, against all odds, is still shoveling Sugar Babies down his throat).
And all that aside...nothing can be worse than Manos. Nothing.
- CrashPoint (email@example.com)
- Ubiq- Showgirls 2? Wanna make it worse? Add Bob Saget or a Rosie O' Donnell nude scene... eeewwww...... okay, maybe not.
#1 Dr. Forrester is their villian, and thus, they are the heroes of our story.
#2 We all know that all the groups can survive the movie, the question is, "Who gets out first?". What the bots & Mike lack in speed, they make up for in motivation. Gene has already died once, and I'm sure he is pretty anxious to get back to the supermodel's back massage in Heaven, and Beavis & Butthead will be to busy trying to get a chunk out of some left-over jawbreakers they found on the floor.
#3 Pearl, Observer, and Bobo, not wanting to lose good test subjects could show up at any minute and save the MSTies hides. For that matter, so could Joel, Gypsy, or the Nanites.
#4 Mike has blown up 4 (or maybe 5) different planets, Dr. Forrester ain't got nothing on him.
#5 It all comes down to who we vote for. Siskel & Ebert's fan following is almost non-existent,and most Beavis and Butthead fans probably broke their computer a long time ago.
However, MST3K, being sci-fi, automatically has an infinite following of internet-capable nerds.
- Master Cono
Yeah, I guess Beavis and Butthead's most destructive moments would matter against anyone else, but...
Mike Nelson has DESTROYED three planets.
That's right. In case you didn't hear me, which now that I think about it is likely, let me say it again:
Mike Nelson has DESTROYED three planets.
In MST3K Experiment #804, he helps a cult repair a bomb that destroys Earth. (Don't worry. The show is set in the not-too-distant future. We're still here.)
Then in #808, Mike does it again, when he asks a group of nanites that has taken up residence to "provide a distraction" to get away from a group of observers. They "distract" the observers by blowing up their planet.
He does away another planet in #814.
Sure, he's inept, but highly destructive in an "Inspector Gadget" sorta way.
He might destroy Siskel & Ebert & Beavis & Butthead & Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice by sheer dumb luck, but destroyed is destroyed.
- D. B. Cooper"
MST3K will win. Here's why. Unlike the other two groups, MST3K have a few allies outside the ring. They have Joel, the original human of the MST3K branch. He escaped, but remains to follow the escapades. Furthermore, they have Gypsy and Cambot, who run the Satellite of Love. Need more? How about the fact that the Satellite has been retrofitted with engines, nanites, and possible weapons systems.
Then there's the ingenuity. Mike can create world - destroying weapons using household appliances. Joel went one step further, inventing the Deus ex Machina machine. Add that to Mike's training, the Bots vastly superior knowledge of riffing material, and their "break the rules" attitude and you have one set of formidable opponents.
But this won't be the death match that everyone hopes for. Mike will win, but he will then turn around and save his opponents in a style reminiscent of Shatner in Star Trek's Original Series. This will thwart Forrester's attempt to add evil to the world, prove that humans can rise above petty differences, and foster peace and love throughout the galaxy for the 10 seconds before Beavis burns down the SOL and exposes all three groups to the vacuum of space.
- Melvin Pollack, firstname.lastname@example.org
Beavis & Butthead watch 1 1/2 hours of pseudo porn, drooling down their chins, completly motionless. The movie(?) ends and they get up to run out for their nachoes, only to find that their feet are stuck to the floor (even Mann's is still a theater, therefore not exempt from the sticky floor policy). B&B's puny legs can't pull their feet off the floor, so they get to watch this stupid show of a clock going backwards all the way to zero. Dead
While S & E know how to navigate the sticky floors of theaters, they can't just watch a movie and walk away from it. They have to spend a few minutes arguing about the movie.....even if they both think the movie sucked. Dead
MST3K. Two of their members have spent all their lives in theaters watching bad movies. The third, Mike, has watched just as many bad movies, so he will probably just sit back, enjoy this masterpiece (comparativley) and mosey out of the theater after it's all over. Also, all three have experience moving over the sticky alien terrain called a theater floor. The only bad thing is that the voices for this movie seem to more closely match the faces, instead of three people doing the voices for all the characters. This may shock and confuse them, but they'll get over it. Just like they seem to get over all the bad movies they've seen. The winners!.........
O.K. The winners of the contest, they did have to sit through a sequel of Showgirls!
Beavis and Butthead will probably be confounded by the intellectual quality of the film (relatively speaking) and instead concentrate on the two known factors. Considering how hard up these guys are for a date that alone should keep them conscious.
Siskel and Ebert sat through Russian documentaries. That alone proves they are incapable of falling asleep in a theater.
Mike and the bots will probably have a hard time with the film, mainly because they have to create some implausible excuse for placing the shadow of an object between any nudity and the back of the theater. Televised decency standards can be enforced on the occasional nudity in your standard bad film, but running about trying to prevent an Eszterhas flick from pissing off the censors requires activity normally reserved for the gymnastic events at the Olympics. They won't have time to actually watch the film.
So all of them will be awake by the time the film ends. The real competition is in getting out of the theater.
Beavis and Butthead will probably not even realize that it is important to leave, and even if Ebert could move fast, he and Gene will probably hang around for a minute or two to discuss the pros and cons (mostly cons) of the film. Mike and the bots will probably be tired after all the waving of flags and doing jumping jacks during the film, but they have an ace up their sleeve -- commercial breaks.
While normal people enter and leave a movie theater once per film, Mike does it six or seven times a film. This is plenty of practice. And when you consider how fast they move on the SOL, it isn't hard to see they will be out the door before Siskel has finished reading the notice about how "Only a few animals were killed during the making of the film, and that was during test screenings."
- Warren Von
- Brian C. Strock, esq.
Crow and Tom appeared with bad black shaggy wigs on their heads. Tom stated in a deep voice. "You can get out of this one Nelson. For you are the legendary COATIMUNDI MAN!"
Crow added "And by putting on your belt you can use your Coatimundi powers to free yourself from this prison."
Mike put on a strange looking belt and his outfit changed. He was wearing heart-filled boxer shorts over his suit, he had a sombrero on his head, flippers on his hands and other ridiculous apparel.
"Now into action!" Crow yelled. "Your heroic theme is playing." The music really just sounded like something from an ice cream truck and not at all heroic.
Beavis and Butthead refused to get up. The multiple appearances of the nude Elizabeth Berkley caused them to be a little too excited and they didn't want anyone to notice that they each "pitched a tent." They were easily disposed of.
Ebert never survived the film. Only 2 minutes into the film, the zombie Siskel ate his brains. Having to spend a couple hours without any brains to eat, Siskel starved and grew weak. He too was easily disposed of.
So the day is saved by Coatimundi Man. With his powers of.... um.... the coatimundi!
- Jane Lane
Siskel and Ebert do have one thing going for them. The fact that Siskel is dead will be to their advantage. His being out of our realm of space-time will allow him to breeze through the movie. Unfortunately, Ebert will abandon his ghastly friend to go in search of Chee-tos (the cheese that goes...CRUNCH)(tm) As anyone who follows pro wrestling (the National Pastime) (R)knows, you only have to pin one to win a tag team match. With Ebert out of the picture, the pair will fall as by the Fat One's folly.
This leaves only one: MST3k. They are not merely winners by default, though. They will take this one by TKO for several reasons. First, they know their adversary. They put up with Dr. F. for seven years. Not once did he get the better of them, and this won't be any different. Second, this (unlike B&B)is their specialty. They will not only survive the movie, they will actually have fun doing it. They have an established track record in the bad movie area that is second to none. (Besides Billy Dee Williams, but that's a Whole Other Story (tm) Finally, we must look to the history. The only true challengers here are Siskel and Ebert, who (until recently for Siskel) are real people. Look at what happens when real people have to take on the fictional ones: Lecter vs. Dahmer. Burns v. Perot. What is the result? Total Annihilation (R) on the part of the fictional characters at the expense of the real ones.
The prosecution rests.
- Big Bad Burt
I guess I have a familial obligation to vote for him.
- Mary :)
- James Vargas
Aaaaanyway, I think Siskel & Ebert will make it.
Beavis & Butthead: These characters are so stupid they probably won't even notice how bad the film is. Also, the fact that the film is a sequel to "Showgirls" will doom B&B at the end. Given the nature of "Showgirls" and this sequel film, when the straps release - there is a very good possibility that the MTV knuckleheads will literally be "glued" to their seats. Extricating themselves from this sticky situation might take precious seconds which will cost them dearly.
Siskel & Ebert: True, Gene Siskel is currently dead. But since WWWF Ground Zero can bring in anyone from any point in time and space (remember the John Wayne vs. Clint Eastwood bout?), so this is a non-issue. Siskel & Ebert in this match will be simply the versions of themselves from a time before Gene Siskel's unfortunate death. At any rate, these reliable and intelligent film critics will lose. At the end of the film, our discerning duo will be locked in discussion over how bad the movie was and which part was worse. They will be so busy debating things that they won't notice the countdown until it is too late.
MST3K: Mike and the bots have this contest in the bag. First of all, they will subject the film to their unique treatment (MiSTing), whereas Beavis & Butthead will only go "heh-heh..." and drool, and Siskel & Ebert will quietly analyze the film to look for things they can criticize about it. But, Team MST3K will show their true winning skill in the theater escape. Anyone who has seen MST3K knows that the bots and their human friend (Joel or Mike - depending on which version you've seen) can race from one end of the Satellite of Love to the other in seconds when the warning klaxon goes on or there is an intermission (for a commercial break). They will be able to escape the theater so fast that they will even have time to stop and loot the concession stand and still make it out with about six minutes to spare. As seen earlier in this message, none of their competitors comes close in terms of speed of escape.
The moral of this story: When it comes to dealing with bad movies, don't mess with the experts.
- The Demented Astronomer
- Captain Scott, the Cartoon Network junkie
- Evan D.
- MST3K Rule
When was this episode? Of all the movies that deserve this treatment, why did I miss this one? WHY?!?!? -- Eds.
Siskel and Ebert-As pointed out, not only do they get treated to every tragically hip movie that Sundance ever squeezed out, they get six figure salaries, fame, recognition, midgets serving them cocktails, you name it. Stress from life can't touch them, a movie of THIS hideousness is going to send them screaming into the night....
Beavis and Butthead-Okay, these two don't exactly live the high life, since that trailer home that they inhabit seems even more worthy of condemnation than my brother's first home, but hey, they live rent free and CAN CHANGE THE CHANNEL. They're going to get downright postal if they find that they can't "change it, this sucks...". I wonder if these two ever have graced a theater anyway, except for trying to pick up girls and summarily get their asses handed to them by Todd and the usher. If this were a TV movie, the double B would have it in the bag, but being it's a theatrical crap fest, the true champions have to be....
The Sattelite of Love Crew-Now, not ONLY are these prozac deprived wolfhounds stuck in the same damned two rooms for the duration of Dr. Forresters mad fits, but they have to watch the SAME DAMNED TYPE OF MOVIE OVER AND OVER (at least for the first few seasons). And they have yet to have disemboweled each other. Not only that, but Crow and Tom alone have proved they can withstand the pressure of just ONE bad flick, not to mention putting up with Gypsy and that damned-computer-voice-that-belongs-in-the-Nostromo-not-on-TV. Sorry, but the Sattelite of Love is just too iron clad to shake after all of that....MST3k by default by the first hour....
- Swamp Gnome
b&b will be enthralled by the flick, which causes their loss. after all, they just "came to see naked girls" (nudist colony episode) and that's what they'll get. remember, these are the guys who callled a 900 number and told the lady who answered the phone to put the reciever on her a** instead of talking to them. they listened to the afore-mentioned body part for an entire night!
and as for the MST3000 clan, they're used to seeing bad sci-fi, NOT bad porn. so they too will be mesmerized by the antics of the "actresses" on screen.
as you can see, it is a clear victory and exit for the half-perished critics.
- Colonel Zippo Kanaza
- The Man They Call Nate
- The one, and only, Siadea
Crow's middle name is T., which makes him a member (by marriage?) of the illustrious T family (along with E.T. and our spiritual leader Mr. T), who by long-established ground rules are never allowed to lose a Grudge MatchTM.
I would also like to apologize for the two people I don't know. Nothing against them, but they don't seem too bright either. Siskel and Ebert will never leave the theater. They will be too busy arguing about the movie because one of them will think it was the greatest movie ever made and one of them will think it was the worst abomination in the history of film. They will roast with Beavis and Butthead.
Finally, the boys from MST3K. They will stop mocking the movie when the building goes up, but only so that they can start mocking how funny Crow looks as he melts.
I'm sorry boys, next time you make a three-way fight, put someone in who can win.
- Rob Wentz
A Showgirls sequel? Nnnnnnoooooooooo...
If you liked this match, check out these other past
Worst Actor Academy Award
Worst Director Academy Award
Beavis v. Butthead
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