"Just one more stop. Then I'll have sth-sold enough to take you all to Cancun via Albuquerque."
"Okay, Daffy, but make it snappy. Yosemite Sam has been sitting on Foghorn's lap for an hour now!"
"I hates road trips, ya overgrown Christmas dinner!"
"Okay, okay. Sheesh! Hey! Here'sth a house. Pull over, Bugs."
Donald Duck rises from the couch where his three nephews are sitting and answers the door .
"Good afternoon, fine duck! Daffy'sth the name, ACME Anvils is the game! You look like a duck who could use our Super-stupendousth, state-of-the-art, Model S-17 Anvil 3000-perfect for blacksmithing, goldsmithing, and dropping on enemies-sth!"
"But, sir! When you purchase an anvil from ACME, you also receive a free umbrella to protect from having thisth or other anvils-sth from falling on you or loved ones-sth!"
"NO! IDONWANIT! NowLeaveMeAloneAndThtopThpittingOnMe! oick. Ragle begla guk!"
"I can't understand a sth-single word you're sth-saying, sth-sir!"
"ACK! I said NONONONONONONO!"
Within seconds, a soaked Donald and a frustrated Daffy have given up the first resorts in communication and have jumped to the last resort: physical confrontation!
So, Brendan, which of these daring ducks will dominate this Dagwoodian duke out!
BRENDAN: First I would just like to say what a pleasure it is to be working with you Mark, and now I hope you'll prepare yourself for a sound butt thrashing as I prove why Daffy Duck is going to win.
Daffy, being a Warner Brothers cartoon, is use to working with guns, dynamite, Acme brand anvils (tm), and other instruments of destruction. He knows how and even enjoys working with these items and won't hesitate to employ them on his hapless opponent. Donald on the other hand is strictly Disney, which is going to severely tie his hands. Disney is far too sanitized now to let one of their most noted characters break out the heavy hardware, adverse affect on impressionable children and all that.
Thus even before the fight begins, Daffy already has a huge advantage.
Now lets look at past experience. True, Daffy doesn't exactly come into this matchup with an exemplary record, but look who he is usually fighting, Bugs Bunny. Just as there is no shame in Lex Luthor losing to Superman, there is no disgrace in Daffy being defeated by the almighty uberbunny. Especially when compared to Donald's record of repeated humiliations coming from an overgrown mouse, his own nephews, and a pair of chipmunks.
Finally there is the fact that Daffy is a well known crack addict which unless Ronald and Nancy Reagan have lied to us, means that he is both psychotic and has the strength of ten ducks. Now lets look at Donald, clad in his adorable little sailor suit, also known as, the official uniform of mama's boys everywhere. A mama's boy vs a well armed drug crazed lunatic, how can there be any doubt who will win?
MARK: Might I also say what a pleasure it is to work with you, Brendan. I can say with hyperbole that there was no one with whom I would have wanted my first match to be against. Now, enough with the shallow, insincere salutations. Let's get back to the match at hand.
Ronald and Nancy Reagan lying to us? No way! Next you're going to tell me that Bill and Hillary Clinton have had a tiff with the conservative right. If Daffy's destiny is based on Reagan's integrity, then Donald might as well start his victory dance now, 'cuz Ronnie got none! (What was the line? "Just say 'NO' to the needy"?) And let's not forget that you're claiming his drug use will make him a better fighter. It's not steroids; it's crack. If Daffy survives the cardiac arrest, he'll need another hit in a matter of minutes. Unless Donald has some cash in that "mama's boy" suit of his, Daffy won't have thing one to do with him.
If we're going to mention the powerful Warner Brothers' arsenal, shouldn't we also mention that this arsenal includes rifles with barrels which can be easily tied in a bow? These aren't exactly dependable weapons. In fact, quite often Wile E. Coyote's gadgets blow up in his face while he's checking to find out why they didn't blow up in Road Runner's face. I'd enter armed combat with a water pistol before I'd take anything from Warner Bros.
On the other hand, Donald should be on tranquilizers. When he goes berserk, he really goes berserk. They should have news bulletins when he has one of his patented tantrums so the public is informed on a) what the Richter Scale registered, and b) the dollar amount in damage. If Donald were up against the Tasmanian Devil, it might be a close contest. However, Donald is going against Daffy "Excuse Me While I Find My Beak" Duck. Since Donald isn't on medication, Daffy be doomed! Stick THAT in your vial and smoke it!
BRENDAN: A noble effort on your part Mark, entirely hopeless and foredoomed of course, but a noble effort none the less. First of all, I will remind you that Ronald Reagan was once an actor. Now being an actor may not provide much preparation for guiding economic policy or masterminding the downfall of evil empires, but if my high school drama department was anything to go by, it definitely teaches you a lot about illegal drugs.
And while the crack might not make Daffy stronger, it will definitely make him more intense, as well as take away little things like inhibitions and feelings of pain. We're talking unstoppable drug enhanced killing machine here!!!
And yeah, Warner Brothers weaponry can occasionally be somewhat unreliable, but once Donald starts ranting and raving he won't be able to think clearly enough to mastermind the infamous turn the gun into a bow trick anyway. (And even if he could, Daffy still has an arsenal of anvils, which are the one Warner Brothers weapon that always work)
Then there is Donald's so called rages (which really just consist of him jumping up and down a lot and muttering incoherently). You hit it exactly on the head there when you referred to it as a tantrum, that's all it is, a mama's boy throwing a temper tantrum, loud and obnoxious to be sure but hardly dangerous. All these fits prove is that Donald is in serious need of a timeout, I'm sure Daffy will be happy to give him a permanent one.
MARK: How did a match pitting together two ducks with speech impediments end up with so many references to the "Great Communicator" (read "big con artist")? A note to the Ground Zero fans: Brendan and I are saving our best Daffy/Donald material for the big Clinton vs. Reagan match. Stay tuned. Anywho, I have to concede the drug arguments to you, as you obviously have more experience with them than I.
However, I cannot let you off so easy with your other arguments. Sorry, but WB anvils are as inadequate as any other Warner Brothers weapon. All they ever do is make the victim skinny (instant Slim-fast, baby) or turn the victim into the accordion section of the local rag-time band--harmful only to the people in the audience. Sticks and stones are more dangerous than any WB weapon.
Yes, temper tantrums usually are loud and obnoxious. That's why people tend to avoid the children having them. As would Daffy. However, if Daffy is appropriately named and he does hang around for a whoopin', he will learn your claim that temper tantrums aren't dangerous is very incorrect. Apparently you have never been hit in the noggin by a little wooden block, leaving the imprint of a big "H" on your forehead. Yes, temper tantrums are often dangerous. Those toddler arms may be small, but they move fast. As do the projectiles launched from those arms. Fast and furious is the name of the game and Donald's tantrums, if nothing else, are fast and furious.
The final nail in Daffy's coffin comes from Coolio. In "Ghetto Cartoon," Coolio refers to Donald as a "G" and claims Donald has "big time respect, from the West to the East." Funny, Coolio doesn't even MENTION Daffy in the entire song--indicating to me that Daffy is in no way a player ( tm ). Since Coolio is exponentially more street-wise than I am, I have to think he knows what he's talking about. Donald will make short work of Daffy. Short work, indeed.
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As a parent of a six and four year old and relentlessly explioted by the Disney corporation, I hope that Daffy hangs Donald with his own intestines.
<<Psychiatric log, Day one>>
Well, today we were able to acquire two test subjects. It was actually rather easy as they were both laying unconscious in front of a house. It appears that they had been severely fighting. Neither is able to remember the circumstances that caused his unconsciousness. It will be interesting to postulate these circumstance based on a psychoanalytic examination of the subjects.
<<Psychiatric log, Day two>>
I must say, we could not have found two richer sources of psychological maladjustment. Subject A, the focus of today's experiments, is prone to aberrant behaviour, which he probably resorts to as compensation for a severe lisp. He is antagonistic, but indirectly so. When confronted, he simply accuses me of being "dethpicable" (sic). His aberrant behaviour includes impersonation of a rabbit (probably indicative of an indentity disorder). It also includes more severe behaviour, such as maniacal bounding and laughter. This may be the manifestation of Subject A's fear of abandonment.
<<Psychiatric log, Day three>>
Subject B, the focus of the day, also has several key issues. The most noticeable psychological feature of Subject B is that he is prone to severe rages, probably induced by his inability to communicate. I won't even attempt to describe his form of speech disorder; I believe it defies categorization. It should also be noted that Subject B becomes extremely embarassed when asked to remove his shirt, even though he regularly wears no pants! Furthermore, he appears to have some sort of fetish for sailor garb, and nautical trappings, perhaps indicating some prior psychosexual torment.
<<Psychiatric log, day four>>
Both subjects are still suffering from acute amnesia. I, however, have been able to reconstruct their histories, and the events that led them both to me. Subject A, judging by his fascination with anvils, was a blacksmith whose wife didn't like being sprayed with every pronunciation of the letter /s/. She left him, and he has suppressed this memory by acting in a manner I could only describe as "daffy". Subject B, though dressed as a sailor, does not actually possess the communicative ability to work for the Navy. Accordingly, I have deduced that he is a former member of the Village People, who was booted out when his singing voice began to eclipse that of the group's founder (the cop, if I'm not mistaken). The shame he endured as a result of this caused him to remove his pants as a self- inflicted punishment, yet he keeps his shirt as a reminder of better times. He has not been able to find another career because of his uncontrollable rage.
That being said, it is clear to the psychiatric researcher that Subject A must have soundly thrashed Subject B before they were both acquired for this experiment. I mean, the Village People? Subject A's motives for violence were completely understandable. In the next several weeks, I will be sending Subject A to other surviving members of the group, so that he can bring them to me. And with the Village People as my loyal army, I'll take over the world!!!!!!
- 1/2 Nelson
Your comments cause one to wonder if, even as a kid, you have ever been in a fight before. Can you name even one successful fighting style that involves jumping up and down and circling your fist over and behind your head? Daffy should have no problem taking advantage of that opening. It seems clear to me that Donald is 'all hat and no cattle' when it comes to settling things 'Ducko a Ducko'.
1) Toons can't be killed
2) Donald and Daffy never win
What this is going to come down to is: Supporting Cast (TM). Who has the better (and meaner) supporting cast? Warner Brothers. Period. Once the fur er.. feathers start flying, the main characters are going to come out of the woodworks to back these two up. So who's going to win the battle for the ducks?
Bugs vs. Mickey: Bugs. No way the uberbunny loses. Ever
Elmer vs. Goofy: Elmer (gun). Goofy gets bagged and tagged in the trophy room.
Sam vs. Huey, Dooey and Looey: Sam. BANG BANG BANG...
Taz vs. Daisy, Minne, and ALL the other background characters: TAZ.
Leghorn never gets to throw a punch, so he'll go over and tie Donald up, paint his tounge green, pluck all his feathers, and then tar and re-feather him.
What has Donald Duck got? Mickey Mouse? Wimp. Goofy? Stupid. Pluto? A big, dumb dog who can't even talk. Uncle Scrooge? Some possibilities there: cantankerousness plus the ability to swim through a bin of gold coins as if it's water plus he's a world traveler. . . . But it's not enough against the Warner juggernaut. Looks like a virtual gotterdammerung for Disney, until . . . who can this be, driving up to Donald's house in a stretch limo? It's that irritating but utterly ruthless corporate weasel Michael Eisner, with all of his lawyers!!! The Warner characters are dead meat before they can pull off a single gag. . . .
Note: Just for clarification, it was Brendan --not Mark-- who accussed Reagan of using illegal drugs. - Eds.
Now, drawing from past Classic Grudge Matches (tm), we see that each conglomerate has won one battle (Microsoft vs. Disney, Taz vs. Paul Bunyan) . One could also conclude this is a battle of Good (WB) vs. Evil (Disney). The Mouse (tm) is PURE EVIL! Not even Satan himself could withstand the wrath of The Evil Rodent Empire (tm)! As a tyke I grew up with WB Cartoons, but I can't see them overcoming the most Evil and Totalitarian Regime our planet has thusfar seen. If Daffy thinks he can topple The Mouse, then he is, in the words of Foghorn Leghorn, "About as sharp as a bowling ball, and half as bright." (tm)
- Adam B.
Don't mess with Uncle Sam.
- The truly demented one
He finally gets out to see what's keeping Daffy, sees the ducks in a fight to the death, and makes his decision. Donald is way too much of a goody-goody for Bugs, so he snaps his fingers, flattens the sailor-suited mouse minion, gets his woozy signature on the anvil bill, and rides off into the sunset.
Moral: never delay Bugs Bunny.
- Denis Moskowitz
On the other hand, Donald has plenty of support. Here's a list of helpers:
1. The three nephews: Huey, Louie, Dewey. They always look up to Donald, and will help him whenever he gets in a crazy situation (almost every 15 minutes). They, as they often do in the cartoons, get behind the lines and, with their big brains (Why do you think they have always outsmarted the Beagle Boys?), construct a Duck-Sucker that will hold Daffy prisoner in a vacuum with all the filth. If that doesn't work, there is another family member to look up to:
2. Uncle Scrooge, the richest duck in the land! He can buy practically anything he wants to. Even though he considers Donald a bit of a whacked-out psycho (and doesn't exactly like spending money), the nephews will convince him to help. He'll use his all-universe-reaching communicator (borrowed from Gyro Gearloose) to call the Monstars from Moron Mountain. They, eager to get revenge on the Looney Tunes and Daffy for their defeat in The Ultimate Game (from Space Jam) will gladly help. Once they get to the scene of the fight, they will all say, in unison, "Ooooh! It's the Duck! Let's crush him!" They'll all run toward Daffy, who by now has his bill fallen to the ground and his Looney Tunes friends running away like scaredy-cats. Daffy is totally helpless now! Unfortunately, as the Monstars stomp and crush Daffy into the ground, their big feet will cause the whole house to collapse on them. It looks like there will be no survivor of this Grudge Match. But luckily, Launchpad--another one of Scrooge's pals, will swoop in on his airplane and pluck Scrooge, the nephews, and Donald out of there faster than you can say, "Wanna fight?"
Donald by a nose (or bill, in this case).
- -Da Bull
1) Whenever Daffy faces an unflappable opponent, like Bugs Bunny, he comes apart at the seams. When he faces a flappable opponent, like Porky Pig or Elmer Fudd, his hoo-hooing antics drive them bonkers. Donald Duck is so flappable, you could dress him in red, white and blue, and fly him on the Fourth of July. He's the perfect opponent for Daffy.
2) Affirmative action. This match is obviously occurring in California(Toontown, right outside L.A.), but the courts are holding up Prop 209, so "this little black duck" will have the force of legal preferences on his side, insuring victory.
3) Daffy can fly, as we've seen in several shorts, and thus represents air power. With his sailor's suit, Donald plainly represents sea power. For historical perspective on who wins a battle of air power versus sea power, look up "Pearl Harbor" in your Funk and Wagnall's.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to banish the image of Yosemite Sam sitting on Foghorn Leghorn's lap from my mind somehow.
- Call me Shane
- Blimpy the Lactose Intolerant Cat
Now when Bugs came along, Daffy, not having a union to back him up, reluctantly took the role of straightman lackey to Bugs Bunny's zaniness. So don't let his more recent (last 40 years recent) calamities fool you, that crack smokin naive has the Rage(tm) in him and since Bugs is not here to act as the Big Cheeze, Daffy can be his old crazy self (pimp slapping Donald into the 70's) and lay so much woop-ass on old Donald that Uncle Scrooge is going to have to invest heavily in cryogenics for Donald in wait for a cure for how to remove a 20 ton anvil out of one's ass.
Donald is a Disney toon. Hmmm... so were Bambi's mother, Simba's father (James Earl Jones, none the less), and:
No one fights like Gaston,
Douses lights like Gaston,
In a wrestling match nobody bites like Gaston.
For there's no one as burly and brawny.
As you see I've got biceps to spare.
Not a bit of him scraggly or scrawny,
And every last inch of me's covered with hair.
...and Gaston copped a pasting from the Beast and fell to his doom. Even Hercules(tm, Disney version) would be hard pressed to come out the better in a scrap with Daffy.
As if this isn't enough, there's also the cool factor. He who controls THE RAGE(tm) is more capable than he who succumbs to it. Donald's tantrums, caused by events so trivial as not being able to open a child-proof bottle cap, are obvious indications of his weak will. Daffy, even after being duped by Bugs not once, but time and again, into getting Elmer to blast him with a shotgun, controls his anger with nothing more than a "You're despicable." Rest assured that when Daffy really wants to get physical, his steely determination (witness Robin Hood Daffy: "Yoicks, and away!" THUD "Yoicks, and away!" THUD "Yoicks, and away!" THUD, etc) and iron hard will (not to mention head) will serve him well.
Daffy v the Coyote, now there's a fight ...
Past -- Disney kills Microsoft, in the Original Grudge Match, demonstrating it's power to wipe out villainous corporations, much less WB.
Present -- Quest for Camelot, a Disney imitation by WB, really really sucks, uh...so I've heard, yeah. (Whew covered that one up.) Disney currently has no crappy movies trying to imitate WB.
Future -- Well in the future, Disney will still own ABC and Warner will still own WB.
So I guess it is more past-present-past, but still Disney will kick the crap out of Warner, hence, Donald will destroy Daffy
- Captain Noonan
- TV's Colin
"Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?"
"I think so Brain, but if we write a fouth book to the Star Wars trilogy, wouldn't it be a fourlogy?"
"That's already been done, and the word is quadrology. But back to tonights plan. With the recent leaps and bounds that my investments have made, I am now behind only Scrooge McDuck and Bill Gates in the race to be the richest being in the world!"
"Egad Brain, Now I can buy a billion tons of cheezits!"
"As usual, you only see your stomach, Pinky, Tonight, Daffy Duck will try to sell some anvils to Scrooges nephew Donald. I plan to hypnotize Scrooge to buy them all, running him bankrupt and making my stock in Acme Anvils soar! YESS, Pinky, global domination could well be at hand!"
Now that that's out of the way, we return to where the intro left off. Just as Donald orders Daffy off his property, Uncle Scrooge walks up. "Donald, I need to buy lots of anvils to secure mah money bin!"
"You've justh come to the right plathe bub. I'm Daffy Duck and I represent the Acme Anvil Company of Wala Wala Washington, and I hear you need Anvils."
"Aye, but how do I know that they're the best quality for the lowest price?"
"Here's a little demonstration."
Within minutes, Donald is deluged with dozens of denting delights, dumped on him by the diabolic Daffy Duck.
"Sold! Now mah money bin is safe and secure!"
With that, Brains profits soar, and Daffy heads for his destination with the WB gang in tow to celebrate his victory.
Meanwhile back at Acme Labs, The Brain celebrates the success of his plan and his eclipsing of Bill Gates. He foolishly allows Pinky to order the snacks. Pinky blows the whole profit on cheezits. When the snacks arrive, The brain discovers that they were made by one of Scrooge McDuck's companies, undoing his brilliant scheme.
"Come Pinky, We must prepare for tomorrow night"
"Why? What're we gonna do then--I know, eat all those cheezits!"
"Good Idea, you do that while I try to take over the world!"
- L. Fitzgerald Sjoberg
How could this match up even have a dispute... what do we have... two ducks and no verbal communication. At this point irrelevent. What is relevent is how Daffy is going to mop the floor with Donald.
Look at Daffy. A: He's a psychopath... especially in his early years before apparently going on lithium (WOOHOOWOOHOOWOOHOOWOOHOO!!) Anyone in their right mind would back away in terror of this bird... hell, when he's really loopy he looks like a poultry version of CUJO!! B: He's bulletproof / shock absorbant. How many times has Elmer blown a double load of buck shot THROUGH Daffy's head only to swap the position of his bill?
Now we have Donald... sure he's all american... he's a sailor! He can curse with the best of them! But it is rapidly apparent why he no longer serves the armed forces... honorable discharge? I think so... this duck is worthless. Look at his record... nothing but potato peeling and deck swabbing. And we all saw the embarrassments at hand when dealing with Chip n Dale. God, he can't even handle two rodents! Some might even say Donald has the tantrum advantage. Yes, we've all seen him go into that raving frenzy flailing his fists and judo kicks every where. But when he comes down from this fit... what's his new situation. Helplessly entagled in a knotted rope / ribbon / springy thing.
If Daffy can't straight out kick the living you know what out of Donald, then no doubt by the end of thirteen rounds, Donald will be reduced to a blabbering comotose psychotic state enduced by Daffy's... well, daffiness!
- sinazucar (jd)
First of all their physical strength, size, bad pronounthiathion etc. are comparable.
Secondly weapons of any kind esp. those made by ACME do not have any permanent effect on cartoon characters. Proof: Any Wile E. Coyote- or Tom & Jerry-show. So there is no real advantage for Daffy using ACME's weaponry at all.
So it comes down to supporters. What allies did Daffy ever have? None that I can remember. Granted, most of Donald companians are goofs (Mickey, Goofy (sic!), his nephews, ...), but he has one allmighty ally noone can argue with: Scrooge McDuck! He will simply buy Warner Bros. and Daffy gets fired.
- Andreas 'Toni' Mang
Sorry Daffy, better save an anvil to use as your tombstone on this one, kid.
- Crazy Robbie's Used Joke Emporium
The Result: Daffy wins, Disney sues, Disney loses, and Gates buys it.
- Oh. There it is
Mark, Mark, wonderful Mark!
Look to him when all is dark!
He'll guide you correctly,
He'll lead you directly
To the winner-to-be!
He votes Donald and I must agree.
Donald has nephews three
Who, as I'm sure you can see,
Will help beat the Daff;
They are surely riff-raff.
Bad to the bone and ready to fight,
They will multiply Donald's might.
Donald slobbers more than his foe,
Who in water prefers to row.
Daffy's not a great swimmer;
he has not a glimmer
of hope when facing the spit
that Donald is sure to emit.
A peek at Donald's wardrobe
Shows he's traveled the globe
In the Navy--a Force Armed;
Daffy will surely be harmed
For Donald is trained in combat
And Daffy will beg for a hardhat.
I've given three reasons sound
That Donald is going to pound
His enemy, the incredible wimp.
Daffy will pray to be left with a limp.
Mark showed intelligence great;
This match does not merit debate.
- Longfellow's wench
- Bill Nye
- Weenie the Great
- Nick Zachariasen
First, he WILL have the rage. Wouldn't you if you constantly got fired by a rich older uncle while getting broiled, roasted, iced and otherwise mangled 'n mutilated by three little pre-pubesent pukes?
Ohhhh yes, he will be ready. And don't let that little mommas boy costume fool ya!
For example, all the _really_ great fighters have their vices. The knights of old had thier womanly hair and maid's silk, any wwwf wrestler worth his salt has AT LEAST three ear-rings, and for gods sake, take a look at Mr. T!
Need i go on? No. -
Note: NO SOUP FOR YOU!!! ( TM ) - Eds.
- used to using available material to his advantage.
- has access to expedient ACME delivery service.
- Lunatic behavior tough to predict.
- weak beak.
- ACME products often flawed.
- Looses to rabbits and mice.
- Navy training. (as seen on duck tails)
- Experience working on an aircraft carrier. (see above)
- Has the RAGE (TM.)
- Experience with children.
- Looses to chipmunks and bears.
- Temper tantrums.
- Not used to using his environment to his advantage.
I'm sure many of you will see Daffy as a clear win, the victory is not that obvious however and the battle has the potential to go either way. You see, despite Daffy's ACME experience his true weakness is his protagonist status. The situation makes him a looser. The rule of warner brothers is that the instigater never wins. Donalds Navy training will give him an advantage but not a win. How can they both loose? Well you see ..... this battle lasts well into DUCK SEASON!
And Donald has the Disney Legal Department on HIS side. Even Daffy isn't daffy enough to cross THAT force of nature!
- Kim Metzger
Killer : Duck Dodger of the 24th and a 1/2 Century
Place : Consevatory
Weapon : Acme (tm) Disintegration Ray
- --John Hunter
- Bri Rob the Caveman
first of all, Donald is obviously a thug. I can see him down on the west side hanging with his homies Coolio, Dr. Dre, and Ol' Dirty Bastard. Who does Daffy have for Backup? Elmer Fudd?
Also, weapons on both sides are obviously weak. Guns that can be tied decoratively and little tiny swords good only for spreading butter are not important. This battle will come down to a hand-to- hand slugfest. Donald obviously has the edge there. First of all because of his abuse of PCP in the seventies, Donald cannot be killed by conventional means. Secondly, Daffy is weak in the Slobber- knocker department. One punch and his beak is either on the other side of his head or on the ground. This takes "glass jaw" to a whole new level. Donald will destroy Daffy, and then go on to take Mike Tyson by disquallification on the third round when Mikey got hungry for "Duck Nuggets"
- Duck Nugget
Sure, Disney owns everything Microsoft, NEC, and the Illuminati don't, but that's all a long reach for bringing in assistance. Daffy can just go straight to The Man(tm) with his face plastered all over his Starfury.
A rather upset Daffy gets on his ACME Babcom unit and asks Michael Garibaldi for help. With a little nudge from Draal and The Machine on Epsilon III, Garibaldi and his Daffy-painted Starfury swoop in for a strafing run.
Scrooge McDuck might have some funky robotic toys, but he's a -Scrooge-. No chance Donald can wheedle some out of Scrooge before Draal can zap Garibaldi in for the assist, toonified if necessary.
"Th-ay, who'the that? Outta my way, th-ailor boy."
And thus the battle is decided. When Daffy catches a glimpse of a femme fatale such as Daisy Duck, he is fated to follow the same Warner Brothers script that all their characters must obey when horny - their eyes bulge out, their tongue rolls out of their mouths and hits the floor, and they bounce around the room on their head, inverted, yelling "Woo hoo" (or, under certain circumstances, "Woo woo"). For the love of God, these guys get aroused looking at Bugs Bunny in drag, this is a real live female duck here.
Meanwhile, the festering, steaming, fetid Cauldron of Rage known as Donald looks upon this display and his eyes narrow to hateful slits. While Daffy trampolines around the room, Donald seizes a paring knife and slits Daffy's cheating neck from ear to ear.
Rage seasoned with the bitter spice of jealousy - an unbeatable combination. Never underestimate the savagery of Disney.
- Thinkmaster General
- The Commenter
Mickey talks like a eunuch and is completely pussy-whipped by his wimpy girlfriend Minnie. Bugs is a bachelor, and like most rabbits a stud. Mickey loves family values and wears red shorts. Bugs wears no clothes, except when he's cross-dressing (Silence of the Lambs, anyone?). Mickey gives Minnie flowers as she giggles. Bugs lustily kisses Elmer Fudd despite his protests.
Clearly, Mickey is suburban white-bread and Bugs is a dangerously violent homosexual with nothing to lose. By using Bugs and Mickey as the respective benchmarks of toughness in the Warner and Disney empires, it's easy to see where their runner-ups fall: the irascible Daffy must be much tougher than the perturbable Donald to have survived this long against Bugs.
Victory goes to Daffy.
P.S. The fact that all of Daffy's friends are waiting in the car outside Donald's house also can't hurt.
- -- Whit
Here's my logic...
Donald duck is a sailor on leave. (hence the suit) Everyone knows that only two things keep a sailor on leave in control: sex and liquor.
We know that Donald doesn't get any sex because he doesn't have the cassanova appeal that attracts women.
We also know that Donald doesn't get liquor because he can't buy any. His sailor suit makes him look like a cute little boy, making it impossible to get any liquor from anyone.
Because Donald doesn't have the sex nor liquor, he'll be filled with the Rage(tm). His hidden sailor strength(tm) will emerge and his start his Temper Tantram Dance O' Death (tm) (*note: the one where he hops on one leg and swings his opposite arm in circles). Daffy will lose once Donald gets his fists a'swingin'.
- Everyone's Favorite Wolfy
- The King of Tonga
If the fight starts to go bad for Daffy, Bugs will put on a dress, long eyelashes and bright red lipstick and bat his eyes at Donald. This will cause Donald's jaw to drop and his eyes to pop out of his head as he takes in the alluring sight of Bugs in drag. Unfortunately for him, Daisy Duck will be approaching at that moment and promptly beat the feathers off of Donald in a fit of jealous rage.
- Kilgore Trout
I admit that Donald's obvious military experience did make me hesitate for a moment, but then I remembered that he's wearing a "sailor suit" rather than, say, a Marine uniform. Clearly, that isn't a factor.
Daffy is in better fighting trim than Donald (clearly, someone has been fattening sailor boy up for a date with the roasting pan).
There is also some evidence that Daffy possesses superpowers as well as access to futuristic technology. Who can forget his memorable role as Superduck or as Duck Dodgers in the 24th-and-a-half Century. What has Donald done that can rival that? Nothing!
As pointed out, Daffy is a Warner brothers character which means violence and mayhem come naturally to him. Donald is a Disney character which means he is naturally non-violent. Daffy has shown a willingness to kill. When he keeps screaming "rabbit season" he is effectively putting out a contract for murder on Bugs' head. Donald doesn't have that kind of bloodlust.
Finally, while I hesitate to mention this, hasn't anyone noticed that Daffy is black? Not only is he black, he's VERY black (and proud of it too). Donald, on the other hand, is pasty white. Now, while I would prefer not to have to bring race into this, this fact certainly bodes well for Daffy. How often do we see albinos beating out brothers? Not too often. In anything but a Rocky movie, a white guy has about as much chance against a black guy as a two-timing lesbian has on the Jerry Springer show.
Daffy, hands down.
- Alan Ross
Negotiations begin immediately, yet drag on for months. Daffy is backed by Time Warner, who own a HUGE media outlet, and a great deal of experience in the Pay-Per-View industry. They hire the entire staff of World Championship Wrestling (the REAL reason that they bought out Turner) to train Daffy. Next, they have the drones (excuse me, EDITORS) of Time and other "news" magazines write sympathetic stories for their bird.
Disney retaliates in their more underhanded, insidious tradition. Long experienced at manipulating children, they direct ABC to air pro- Donald programming. They annex every proposed venue for the fight (did you know that the states of California and Florida granted the power of *Eminent Domain* to the Disney Parks in their respective areas?) Things are looking to be ugly.
The night of the fight ("Duck Off"--only $999.95 on PPV, domestic markets only), Daffy looks primed. The sentimental favorite, he stalks Donald. Don throws that wild punch that always misses and spins him around as he falls, yet it connects! Daffy falls, and is counted out. He then hops right up and sticks his tongue out! He took a dive!
In retrospect, everyone should have seen it coming. Daffy has shown his willingness to sell out in previous commercial endorsements. Disney is always willing to assimilate others' ideas into its own collective. Faster than you can say "But the Lion King was a Japanese childrens' story," Daffy has jumped the fence.
Both companies then turn the attentions of their "Intellectual Property" departments on Ground Zero, who had the Nerve (tm) to post pictures of their ducks without paying big $$$ for licensing first...
Next up...Mickey Mouse vs. Mighty Mouse.
- The Man Tristan
- Caliam Halveric esq.
- -- jeff
With an evil grin, Daffy takes a step sideways and disappears from sight. He pushes the $3.50-an-hour animator out of his chair and takes up eraser and pen as horns grow on his head. He applies the eraser to Donald's blue suit and replaces it with leopard skin speedos. As Donald covers himself, his head dissappears to be replaced with a potted daisy. Eyes blink in fear and confusion from the center of the flower. He can no longer vent his anger since the flower has no mouth so he jumps up and down in frustration. The tuft of white tail becomes a chicken drumstick and his feet disappear into enormous clown shoes. Just as his rage builds to a peak, the front door is transformed into a train tunnel and the Fireball Express comes barreling out of it with the Roadrunner at the helm. Donald tries to run but he trips over the clown shoes, and gets the business end of the train in the rear end.
As little locomotives circle Donald's head(flower), a new background drops in behind him. The lunar landscape is a lovely place to visit, but without a suit, Donald expands and explodes in a spray of white feathers. A yellow beak falls to the ground. "How humiliating," it croaks just as an 800lb anvil falls out of the sky on top of it. Bd bd bd bd, th-that's all folks.
- Robert Lamm
What did I learn from this? Ducks are stupid when it comes to cars. And if Daffy had been thinking, he would have considered that since he needs just one more sale to get them all to Cancun, he already has enough money for any three of them. And do you think they want to spend their vacation with such a pompous, annoying, idiot duck who has doublecrossed them on numerous occasions and probably has plans to steal the money anyway? I wouldn't. And he left them (and the money, I assume) IN THE CAR! Bugs starts the engine. Daffy, being the brilliant duck he is, reacts by running in front of the car to make them stop. *BAM!*
On the positive side, Donald likes his new throw rug...
- Paul G.
Killer : Duck Dodger of the 24th and a 1/2 Century
Place : Conservatory
Weapon : Acme (tm) Disintegration Ray
If you liked this match, check out these other past
Cinderella v. Snow White
Tasmanian Devil v. Paul Bunyan
Microsoft v. Disney
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© 1998, WWWF Ground Zero; © 2000, Dragon Hamster Productions, LLC