World Wide Web Fights presents

WWWF logo by Aaron Lindgren

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away....


It is a period of intense hype.
Rebellious fans, striking from hidden
bases on the Internet, have won their first action
figures and music videos from the secretive Lucas
Empire. During the battle, spies from WWWF Ground
Zero managed to steal plans for the Ultimate Hype, a trilogy of

Star Wars-related matches capable of diverting enough fans

from movie lines to destroy an entire planet (or at least double our vote

totals). Pursued by Lucasfilm's sinister agents, Poobah Golba

races home aboard his 1973 Dodge Dart, custodian of the secret

plans that can hype his website, and bring fame to the

Save the Grudge Foundation ...

... oh, and freedom to the galaxy, too ...

The Scenario

THE FOREST MOON OF ENDOR - 3:00 PM, Friday. It's mail day in Endor, and the Ewok village is visited by the local (non-disgruntled) postman to drop off the week's residual checks from their participation in Return of the Jedi. But today, the mailman drops off a package for the Ewoks as well...

"Wicket! Wicket!" yells Cindel in the curious Ewok patois as he runs through the tree ramps with the package in tow. "Wicket! A parcel for you... from Yoda!"

Wicket turns around in the chair he was using to sharpen his arrows and squints at the young Ewok. "That can't be... Yoda is dead." He takes the package from Cindel as Malni, the warrior Ewok, strolls into the room to see what all the commotion is about. "Open it!", yells Cindel. "Open it! Let's see what it is!"

Wicket's fingers pull apart the paper surrounding an enclosed box. An attached letter from the old Jedi master falls to the floor. The title of the paper reads: "Last Will and Testament of Yoda, Jedi Knight.". Wicket bends over to pick up the paper, and the lid of the box pops open. A tiny, adorable furry creature pops his head out of the box and begins to chatter in clicks.

"Hello, Ewok young one.", says Wicket, reading aloud the note from the deceased Jedi master. "Present for you I have. But careful always must you be. For rules follow always three there be. First to shine light never on mogwai directly for it to kill might. Rule of second, never to place in water there be. For you to understand..."

"Ah to hell with it.", curses Wicket, as he crumples up the paper and throws it over his shoulder. "I wish that old bastard would have learned how to write clearly. He picks up the mogwai, shoves the leftover Kentucky Fried Chicken in its hands and stuffs it in the nearest water cooler. "There, you stupid little prick, you got food and water. Just try not to blow anything up while I go get some new stripes on my fur..."

So, John, will the Gremlins spell the end of Endor or will the Ewoks eradicate the infestation like an entire legion of the emperor's finest troops?

Gremlins Ewoks




The Commentary

JOHN: I know that people are lining up around the block to vote for the Star Wars-related characters in this Ground Zero matchup, and hence I've got my work cut out for me. Let me just say this to the Star Wars fans: I love the movie, you love the movie, but if you think for even a moment that the Ewoks will beat the Gremlins here, there is something drastically, fundamentally wrong with some of the choices you have made in your life.

The Ewoks were easily the worst thing about Jedi, which in itself was the ass of the Star Wars Trilogy. Do you remember when they first happened upon Leia et al? They were planning to eat the cool rebels, and worship C3P0! C3P0 the gay android! What kind of statement does that make? Moreover, the Ewoks animated series was designed to teach children good-for-nothing values like caring and sharing. (Gremlins, in contrast, schooled us in more important things, such as microwaving your opponents in combat, and high camp). Any true fans will save their votes for more deserving combatants from the SW universe, like Aunt Beru or Edward M. Steidele, (foley assistant for Empire).

But would the Ewoks have a chance in a fair fight? Maybe on Tatooine, where there is a dearth of abundant food and water the fight would be close, but on a forest moon this fight is as balanced as Boris Yeltsin's diet. The Gremlins will be diving into the streams and doing their asexual reproduction thing (and since they reproduce without any of the fun stuff, you know they're chock full of Rage™), and chowing down on roots, berries, nuts and the smaller Ewoks to turn into the Evil Killing Beasts Within. And since they reproduce geometrically, there is no theoretical limit to the number of Gremlins that can be created. They're like coked-up superintelligent evil tribbles with opposable thumbs!

The way I see it, you can cast your vote for a bunch of Lucasfilm-enhanced Care Bears, or you can cast your vote for a tribe of evil killers that attacked Cory Feldman. Hell, my conscience is clear.

JOE: I can't believe what I'm hearing! Gremlins? Their entire race was genocided by a couple of high school losers. The Ewoks, on the other hand, managed to destroy the Empire that was ravaging the entire galaxy in ONE day between breakfast and lunch. Oh, SURE, you COULD say that it was really because of Darth Vader killing the Emperor and Lando Calrissian destroying the Death Star, but you would be wrong. The only reason the empire got killed was because of the little flesh-eating furballs of death known to the rest of the world as the EWOKS!!!

You see, the Ewoks were only worshipping C3PO so that later on that day, after a nice dinner consisting of Han Solo and Luke Skywalker and a quick gang rape of Princess Leia, they could all take him apart and use his high-tech innards to finish building the Ultimate Ewok Death Machine, which would have blown up the Death Star and allowed them to conquer the entire universe.

Nobody realizes this, but Ewoks are actually really vicious little bastards. Did you see "Return of the Jedi"? Within ten minutes of the capture of Han and his little rebel gang the Ewoks charged in and kicked the crap out of the Emperor's best troops! This is due to the ESP (Ewoks Secretely Prepared) factor. As soon as the rebels were captured, the Ewoks suddenly and mysteriously had all kinds of traps which they used to bash AT-ST's and cave in the heads of stormtroopers with! The Ewoks must have had foreknowledge of the capture and had already prepared for it. The only answer is that the Ewoks have psychic powers.

So, you see, the Ewoks already know that the gremlin attack is coming and have already laid out hidden log traps and coconut bombs that will ultimately destroy the entire race of gremlins before dinner time. Then, after dinner, they'll hunt down Gizmo and take turns having their way with the little fuzzball.


(stunned silence)

You know, sometimes I worry about you Joe. But then I remember that New Mexico is about 2000 miles away, so there's maybe 150 million people who have much greater cause to worry about you than I do. So I'll let them fret about your increasing disconnection with reality and concern myself with dealing with your only-tangentially-related-to-the-match arguments.

Listen - the reason nobody realizes that Ewoks are vicious little bastards is because they AREN'T! So they beat up some stormtroopers - big deal! The Stormtroopers are the LA Clippers of space armies, but without the decent perimeter shooting. And this idea about the Ewok Death Machine? What is that going to be - a really big stick? Perhaps a giant arrow? The Ewoks are not a technological society, if you hadn't noticed. There's no way they could kill someone by (say) pushing them into a paper shredder a la Gremlins 2. On a similar note, setting up log and coconut traps draw more from Gilligan than MacGyver. (Earth to Gilligan: use the wood on the island to BUILD ANOTHER FRICKING BOAT!)

The gremlins, on the other hand, are much more versatile and dangerous. They are more numerous. They come in a wide variety of Gremlin flavours (standard, radiated strong dude, radiated superintelligent dude, radiated superintelligent strong dude, etc.) They have the Evil Laugh™. And, by the way, nobody out there better give me that "it only counts if they eat after midnight" rule - it's always after the previous midnight, so no matter when they eat, they'll turn into the evil gremlins (this is a simple corollary of Slash's "it's five o'clock somewhere" theorem). It is abundantly clear that in this matchup, that the Gremlins are going to put Gremlin feet-sized holes in some Ewok asses.

One last thing - at the end of G2, Gizmo had dressed up all Rambo-like and dusted off a whole crop of Gremlins with automatic fire. It is in fact he, Joe, who will be gettin' jiggy with this "bunch of muppets", as so eloquently described by Dante Hicks.

JOE: First of all, it wasn't just a few stormtroopers, it was an ENTIRE LEGION of the emperor's finest troops. Secondly, I can't believe you are going to sit there and tell me that the Gremlin's should win this fight because of how cool it was when they died in Gremlins 2! Ok, so the Ewoks don't have any nuclear weapons laying around, but that certainly doesn't mean an arrow straight to the heart of one of those little Ghoulies wanna-be's isn't gonna kill it.

I don't remember any radiated Gremlins. I'm pretty sure they only came in three varieties: Mogwai, Guy with Spiked Hair, and Peon-who-gets killed in a really cheesy way. Also, the Only-eating-after-midnight thing IS in effect because when the sun rises the next morning, its all over until the next midnight. This is kind of a moot point anyhow because this battle is not going to even last until the next midnight. The Ewoks will have easily taken care of their little infestation and be having a Gremlin BBQ before they even have to worry about that little scenario.

John, you are missing the fact that the Ewoks are devious, flesh- eating monsters. Do you think it was just a fluke that Mr. Jedi Knight Luke "I can feel the presence of any shoplifter in the galaxy" Skywalker managed to be captured by a net trap? No, way - the Ewoks are simply that intelligent. They knew Chewie would come along with Luke and have a hungry stomach, so they set the meat out for him. They were just about to have a Jedi Sandwich when they realized that maybe letting Luke go would be a good way to distract Darth Vader so they could get rid of that pesky Emperor that had been hanging around their nice little forest moon. They fought hard to rid their home of one infestation and they are gonna do it again. Remember that there is nothing more fearsome than an enemy who is just trying to protect his homeland.

Let's face it: The Gremlins are like U.S. soldiers walking around in the Viet Cong Jungles of Endor.

Thanks to the large number of people who suggested this match.
We would especially like to thank those that recommended it from the Orphans List.

Thanks also to Mosselaar's Homepage for inspiring the Star Wars "crawl" formatting
and for providing the Star Wars scripts where we could find the original "crawl" text.

The Results

Gremlins (751 - 59%)

have a midnight snack of

Ewoks (520 - 41%)

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Voter Comments


Gold Grudgie

I voted for the Gremlins simply because they make more menacing noises. The Ewoks just go "guantu! sunzub! whepa whepa! nub nub!" They sound like a bunch of drunken college kids on Cinco de Mayo trying to speak spanish. The Gremlins have Evil Laugh (tm). Much more intimidating. Plus they schooled Corey Feldman, who we all know was so hopped up on PCP in the 80's he could've taken out the empire on his own anyways. And did you see how scared that one fuzzy midget was when he found Princess Leia in the forest? What'd he do, poke her with a stick, run away, eat her food? I think the Gremlins would've just started right in with the gang rape without getting buddy buddy about it first.

- Matthew O. Threat

ROTW ™ Silver Medal Grudgie ™

Silver Grudgie

Gremlins are mean. Gremlins are ferocious. Gremlins reproduce faster than a redneck trailer park, but the Ewoks will win. Because of their cuteness.

Gremlins have a bad track record in life or death matches, and the victor was always someone cute, with a bit of chutzpah and technical know how. If a bunch of lowly teenagers can whip those mean Gremlins, then the Ewoks, with their diabetes-inducing cuteness and pseudo-technology would surely pile drive those mutants back to the Gremlin equivalent of the Stone Age.

The biggest enemy that the Gremlins face, however, is the Gremlins themselves. When they've got sufficient party supplies, these guys will plunge themselves into a Bacchanalian rut faster than Ted Kennedy in his prime, or for that matter, Boris Yeltsin right now. And when they're sloshed to the gills on Endorian mead, they're sitting ducks for any Ewok armed with a wooden microwave or a stone cuisinart.

- Mark Milan

ROTW ™ Bronze Medal Grudgie ™

Bronze Grudgie

This was a tough one to vote for, since at different points I've been heavily into both. So I decided to check out the statistics: the Gremlins were mean, and portrayed by puppets. The Ewoks had force potential, and were played by dwarves. So, basically, this boils down to sadistic, leathery puppets vs. psychic midgets in teddy bear costumes.

Point #1: Midgets die, puppets don't.

Then, going with the midget/puppet relation, I thought about Divine Intervention(TM). This could come down to the respective groups' patron saints: Jim Henson vs. Billy Barty. First off, Henson was a true genius, while Barty is a constantly exploited vaudeville star. Second, Henson was about three times Barty's size. But forgetting this, Henson has the powers of the afterlife, while Barty is still a small, small man.

Point #2: Jim Henson could kick Billy Barty's butt.

I then contemplated the Brains vs. Brawn factor. The Gremlins have on their side a mutated genius. The Ewoks... "Grr! Yub-yub! Aye chihuahua!" The Gremlins are manipulative little backstabbers. The Ewoks... "Celebrate the love! Yub! Yub!"

Point #3: The Ewoks, cute as they are, are mentally inferior.

So, looking over, I decided that the Gremlins will win. I still had to give the Ewoks a vote, too, because they're just so cute, dammit!

- Vermin Boy

Okay, let's look at the contestant's overall stats:

Win/Loss Record
Ewoks- 1 win, 0 losses.
Gremlins- 0 wins, 2 losses.

Ewoks- Beat a whole LEGION of Stormtroopers, complete with AT-STs.
Gremlins- Got beat by some punk kid, his girlfriend, and an annoying little fuzzy thing, TWICE!

Ewoks- Armed with long bows, enough booby traps to protect Fort Knox ten times over, and a buttload of pointy sticks.
Gremlins- Armed with readily avaliable pointy implements, and stuff of a higher technology than the Ewoks have.

I think we know the Ewoks are gonna more than make up for "Ewoks: The Battle for Endor" by clobbering the Gremlins and shipping Gizmo to Tatooine.

- Andy the Anarchist

Hmmm...essentially what we've got here is an undetermined number of bloodthirsty bipedal sharp-toothed lizards with bad attitudes versus a bunch of fuzzy midgets in loincloths. Although the Star Wars Universe (tm) has a very good track record with WWWF, I'm gonna have to go with the Gremlins on this one. First of all, the Ewoks aren't as brave as they appear. They didn't care that there were flying machines and white-armored guys running around their back yard, but when Goldenrod (tm) starts levitating they throw in the towel. Gremlins, on the other hand, only fear the sun. If they stay deep enough in the forest (where the Ewoks live anyway), they'll be fine. Second, Ewoks are way too emotional. All the gremlins would have to do is kill off two or three Ewoks, and the rest would be so busy crying that they wouldn't notice the fact that they'd be the ones on the stick over the fire. As for the "psychic Ewok" theory, come on. If they were so smart, they wouldn't have opened the package in the first place and saved us from this ridiculous GrudgeMatch.

- Bjmmn

Every once in a while, we get a Good vs. Evil-type matchup, but that is not the case here. I submit that both sides in this contest are, in fact, evil, and therefore requires some non-standard analysis.

Don't believe me? OK, here goes. As any real Star Wars fan can tell you, the original Ewoks were drawn by McQuarrie as having claws and sharp teeth. They were mean suckers, and their subsequent thrashing of the Stormtooper Legion, well, made more sense. They were twisted, however, into their well-known teddy bear form by that most evil of forces: Marketing Executives. Thus, the Ewoks became perverse, evil things at the touch of a power so mighty that not even George Lucas at the height of Star Wars mania could stay its hand.

Gremlins, too, were spawned of a similar evil. The first movie was the beginning of Speilberg's "Half-assed violent, so as to retain box office yet still cater to the family" obsession in movies, which continues unabated to this day.

So, when evil faces evil, who wins? Well, pretty much any major religion will tell you that True Evil will adopt many guises, adapt, and endure. I don't think that is the Gremlins. Their most famous champion is Tony Randall, and, well, the possibility of another Gremilins sequel is even less likely than Ground Zero's posting a new match on time (read: never).

The Ewoks, on the other hand, live on. In addition to that annoying cartoon and even more annoying TV movie, the Ewoks have a true champion: Warwick Davis. This guy went on to play the Leprechaun, an incredibly evil character. Did you see any of those movies (go on, admit that you did; the popular excuse is that Jennifer Aniston was in the first one)? The guy is one magical Can of Whoopass (TM)! And, if rumor is to be believed, he recently lost the part of Frodo in the Lord of the Rings movies. Any guy who's Too Evil for Tolkien (TM by me, in case that becomes a wrestling catchphrase) HAS to represent the worst of the worst.

Therefore, the Ewoks trimuph, and you can actually hear the Seals breaking...

True Evil (or is it True Love?) never dies.

- Phil

It's a shame that someone even has to say this, but as of this moment there are at least 35 people who need serious help, so here we go:


Ewoks are cute and fuzzy and I love 'em, but if you're expecting them to beat the Gremlins-well, let's just say that it's far more likely that I am really Luke Skywalker in disguise.

See? The outcome of this match is obvious that I don't even need to bother thinking up good jokes about it. Now, if this were the Ewoks versus Gizmo, THEN we might have some kind of contest. But there's no way a bunch of furry midgets with round tummies are going to beat the slimy, nasty, snarling, mayhem-inducing Gremlins.

The Ewoks killed some Stormtroopers. Well whoop-de-doo. I could kill Stormtroopers. Naked. With my bare hands. All you have to do is slap them in the helmet a couple times to kill their three or four brain cells, and you've got 'em. The Gremlins, however, terrorized an entire town.

Get a clue, you little Ewokphiles. The Ewoks won't win-even if you all join hands and wish really hard.

- Blue

I've got a coupla criteria for this lovely match up (btw, must fall upon my knees and worship ya for keeping this thing going...)

#1- the standard, wussy cop-out of good vs. bad. not even an issue, move on.

#2- In terms of absolute cuteness, we have the Ewoks- even izmo the Mogwai was an ugly little critter. but that, in all honesty, is a girly rationale, with all due respect to the female readers. next criteria.

#3- The Scientific reasoning- The Gremlins are, yes, a predatory species with malevolence and hella huge teeth ( did I say hella? ) and claws, BUT they're pretty stupid. The Ewoks, on the other hand have built entire cities (however primitive) on TREES. These people built a 7 year old's DREAM Fortress in the Trees. How increadibly badass is that!?! Plus, they've gotten the concept of simple tools, blah-blah-blah. C'mon, if they could build such a kick ass city, that's enough.

#4- Now, the humors aspects. Simple facts? Wicket is a badass. Also, he's got motivation- as I recall, Wicket had a woman on his show. >;) The only female Gremlin I've ever seen was that one in G2, and, well... let's just say I don't think a Gremlin with a BAC of 90% would lower himself to fighting for that bag. Additional pluses for the Ewoks? THEY SPEAK TAGALOG!!! The Gremlins, on the other hand, can barely mutter complete English phrases, and would much rather be putting pots in microwaves than bother planning any strategy.

In case my previous arguments have confused the readers, allow me to restate- Ewoks vs Gremlins = lots of dead Gremlins. ^_^ It's the Ewoks.

- D@t@-Kun

If the Ewoks don't win, I fear the Grudge Match (TM) Offices will be overrun by a bunch of large, unwashed Star Wars (TM) fans who have left their places in line to buy tickets in order to avenge the Ewoks' loss.

But how many rabid Star Wars (TM) fans will there be?

Let's presume that there are approximately one hundred movie theaters per state - California can make up for gimpy states like Rhode Island and Vermont. Let's also presume that, for each movie theater, there are fifty die-hard fans who will do anything for a Star Wars (TM) movie ticket.

Fifty times one hundred times fifty...

(punches buttons on her calculator watch)

Looks like you guys are going to have 250,000 visitors.

Have you ever been in a room with that many guys? I've been in rooms with 250 guys, and they created a funk all their own. If you multiply that by a thousand...

All I can say is, ThinkMaster's Chihuahuas had better get themselves a gas mask.

So that's why the Ewoks have to win. For the continued survival of the hallowed Grudge Match (TM).

- Mary :)

Uh, Mary... 250,000 Star Wars fanboys will no doubt be distracted by a chick with a calculator watch. We'll hold them off for as long as we can, but you'd better run like hell! - TG

Oh come on. Really evil looking laytex puppets with some really sick guys with their hands in their asses, vs. Midgets in bear suits....

Plus Gremlins are full blown alchoholics. Nothing like hundreds of drunken reptilian psychopaths to put five pounds of fudge in your shorts.
-Disco Volante

- Spydormonkey & Disco Volante

Endor/ 3:10 pm

Cindle: Hey, Wicket, What happened to that furry thingimaggiger that Yoda sent you?

Wicket: *buurrrp*

- Master Cono

Ewoks die messily. And by chainsaws (don't ask me how, but the Gremluins always seem to find some). And by some leftover Empirial lasers and blasters. And *etc etc etc*...

- The Colonel

I believe that we must begin by asking ourselves one simple question...
"Why would an all-knowing, all-seeing Jedi Master like Yoda ever give away a Mogwai to a fuzz-for-brains creature like Wicket?"
The simple answer? He wouldn't.

Thus, I took it upon myself to investigate further...and after countless hours of light-saber induced mania from watching too much Star Wars and a slightly less number of countless hours of hydrophobia from watching too much Gremlins ("No Mommy! Water bad!"), I have come to a conclusion...the entire thing is a set up.
What's that I hear you say? A set up? Who could perpetrate such a horrendous and fiendish plot? Well, the answer didn't come easy at first for me, either...until I realized that only one person stands to benefit from this species warfare...and that is...none other than...

Yes, that's right, I'm talking about the bald holographic doctor from Star Trek: Voyager...Mr. "I'm one of the few actors still on a Trek show that's still running" himself. Why would he do such a fiendish thing? Let us examine the motives...
Motive #1: Greed
Motive #2: Fear

Yes indeed...Mr. Picardo is one of the few actors still on a Trek show that is still in production, as I casually mentioned earlier, and he has all the motivation he needs to act. Fearing for his livelihood in the face of a resurgence of Star Wars mania, he has taken it upon himself to commit Genocide against the "lovable", and more importantly, marketable Ewoks, by delivering to them the most danger bio-engineered creature ever created...the Mogwai.

You see, Mr. Picardo, years before his role on Star Trek, played a role in an altogether different movie...a movie by the name of "Gremlins 2: The new batch." In this movie, he played a Middle-management Scumbag© by the name of "Mr. Forster." Many will remember him as the ruthless corporate weasel that fired employees for his own amusement and wound by being the boytoy of the sole female Gremlin in the Executive Washroom. (If you don't remember right away, don't worry...he had hair at the time.). In any case, in the years that followed that traumatic experience, he tried to forget about those nasty little critters...then, just recently, his current dilemma arose.
He noticed that Star Trek fanboys were beginning to encroach on the numbers of the Star Trek Fanboys at conventions. His program's numbers were being eclipsed by specials on "The making of Star Wars: The Phantom Menace". His head was beginning to blind his children with the reflected glare of the ceiling lights. This last offense was the straw that broke the camel's back...he immediately called upon his Gremlin mistress (they kept in touch over the years), who was now one of the HollyWood underground's most popular Matrons, and ordered her to send him...a Mogwai. (She's had Gizmo chained up in her basement for the last 9 years...he seems to enjoy it.)
A few days later, the package arrived, and he quickly forged a note in Yoda's name (Ewoks are stupid, what, you think they have handwriting experts?) and sent the both of them to Studio 72, where Lucas rents out a massive soundstage to them, as well as to the Jawas during the summer.

Well, I've done my part...oh, and the Gremlins will be torching the Ewok villages in 2.4 hours for 3 simple reasons.
#1: Ewoks are furry, and fur catches fire more easily than slimy skin.
#2: Gremlins don't mourn their dead, they use them as appetizers.
#3: Gremlins not only have claws and fangs...they have a sense of humor!

The Lucas Thugs® will be arriving at Picardo's house soon, I give 30-1 odds on the Thugs.

- Paul, leader of the Pro-Gremlin/Anti-Picardo Jihad.

Besides the sticks and rocks and hang gliders, the Ewoks have a deady weapon, one can can defeat even Gremlins: a dead Ewok. When that one guy died, the entire film ground to a halt. Children burst into tears, the three women in the theater clutched their boyfriends' arms, one guy in the back yelled "Yeah, you dead now, dude!" It was the second most dreaded moment in the rerelease (the most dreaded being, of course, Luke and Leia kissing in Empire).

Gremlins get bumped off plenty, and none evoke any sort of emotional response besides an occasional "How can a mammal turn into a reptile?" There's no pity here. Cripes, even Godzilla could get an "Aww" from an audience.

The Ewoks are smart (they've mastered flight and treetop architecture, although speech, metalworking, gunpowder and not hitting themselves with their rocks are beyond them) so they use this to their advantage. One Ewok takes one for the team, lets himself be killed, and everything stops for five minutes. The Gremlins check their watches, miffed. When the Aww time expires, they move in for the attack. Another Ewok steps up to be killed. He is. Another five minute pause. This continues until sunrise.

- Kilgore Trout

You know what will really piss off the Gremlins on the forest moon of Endor?

No machines!

Nothing to tinker with and fix. That is, unless, they find an old AT-ST or two left over by the Stormtroopers, and at that point them damn Ewoks will really have something to worry about. Remembering that Gremlins don't care (and sometimes laugh with sadistic glee) when their cohorts die and that Ewoks will stop IN THE MIDDLE OF BATTLE to mourn a fallen comrade... remembering the exponential growth potential of Gremlins... even remembering that though they may get behind in the battle, they can always find an Imperial Shuttlecraft and figure out how to fly away until they can spawn more evil Gremlins would make this a clear victory for the Gremlins. Let's see what the Ewoks do after the Gremlins have collected enough pieces of the Death Star to blast Endor to Kingdom Come (tm).

- Hurricane Andrew

A low rumbling is heard in the distant jungles. The Ewoks look up to see trees crashing to the ground in the wake of some horrible, unseen terror plowing its way through the forrests to their little village.

Paploo climbs up into a lookout post and starts shouting frantically. What does he see? Throngs of screaming little kids and their parents!

They invade the Ewok Village (which, strangely enough, is a lot like the little sticks-and-stones clubhouse from Robin Hood: Prince of Theives) and swarm around the box that Yoda sent. See, they had heard that the Ewoks were in posession of the most prized collectible in the galaxy, something even Bobba Fett, Bossk, and the Empire's legion of loyal troopers couldn't get their hands on: A Furby!

As they dogpile around it, kicking and screaming and biting and fighting to get a grab at the prize, one of the kids toward the outside of the crowd gives a yell. "Hey, look at that mommy! A BIG Furby!!!!! I want it!"

The Ewoks' beady little eyes grow to the size of baseballs, and they say in a squeaky cry, "ppphhlllttt-b'pooie!" (translated: "oh, crap...")

The entire clan of Ewoks is set upon by the seething, mouth-frothing crowd of kids and parents. The ones which aren't torn to shreds in the ensuing fights between the parents or trampled underfoot, are stunned by rocks to the head and taken home in the back of a minivan.

The moral of the story? Collectibles are bad. I mean, remember pogs?...

- MonkeyDog, who wishes he hadn't spent so much money of Pog crap.

::Scene 1::

Gremlin 1 grabs Ewok 1 and snickers malevolently. He looks around for a paper shredder and sees none.

Gremlin 2 looks to Ewok 3 and yells: "Microwave. . . MIKE ROW WAVE!"

Ewok 2 cocks his head and gives Gremlin 2 a confused look: "miek ro waav?"

Gremlin 1 realizes that they are helpless without kitchen/office appliances and asks Ewok 1: "Yuu come hir offen?"

Ewok 1 gives Gremlin 1 a coy smile.

::Fade to Scene 2::

Gremlin 1 lights his cigarette and looks over at Ewok 1 who is dreaming peacefully about about that night with C3PO. With The Rage (tm) abated, he doesn't need to kill anymore. Maybe he can finally get around to writing that novel. . .

::Fade to Black::

- Al B Tross

Could you possibly pick a *more* lopsied affair?

After this match, the second rule will have to updated. "Don't feed them Ewoks after midnight"

The only things the Gremilins will have to worry about is choking on hairballs, and the high fatty content of those damn muppets.

- Great Bob

The GREMLINS versus the EWOKS? Pardon me while I laugh.

<falls out of her chair laughing, climbs back into her chair and clears her throat>

Joe, my friend, I hate to tell you this. The Ewoks suck. <ducks all the blaster fire aimed at her by rabid Star Wars fans>

You can't possibly tell me that those wanna-be-but-too-big-to-be-Mogwai Ewoks are any match for the lithe reptilian forms of the Gremlins. To even consider this idea is just plain insanity.

Forget the wonderful arguments John made on behalf of the Gremlins. There is a simple mathematical formula which proves my point. Gentlemen, I present to you, the Juliebuggish Theorem.

Gremlins + Billy Peltzer = Dead As proven in Gremlins and Gremlins 2: The New Batch.

Gremlins - Billy Peltzer = Alive As proven in the nightmares I experienced as a child after watching Gremlins and Gremlins 2: The New Batch.

Since there was no mention at all of Billy Peltzer in The Scenario(tm), one must assume that he is conveniently absent. This leaves the Gremlins free to open a few hundred cans of whoop-ass and then find a way to rid themselves of the corpses of those stupid little Ewok twerps. You know, I hear Ewok meat is an Imperial delicacy...

- Julie "Juliebug" Martin

Ouch. The word 'Gremlins' has brought back memories I thought were repressed..but on with business.

1. Ewoks - When I saw them in ROTJ (first screening - I'm an Original fan) I thought they were cute. Look, I was a kid at the time, OK? :-) In hindsight I see that at times they were sickly-sweet cute but they also had the Rage (tm) when they attacked the Emperor's troops.

2. Gremlins - After I saw that film years ago I swore never to see it again. In hindsight I see that all of those creatures should've been put in a microwave and the setting set to NUKE. If any tape comes my way I will gladly hack it into its component parts.

So my vote goes to the Ewoks. Gremlins, be afraid. Very afraid.

- Nicky Lewer

Star Wars mania really frightens me sometimes. Lemme see this no-brainer:

Best known for: Pissing off everyone they come into contact with, by being so cuddly wuddly.
Scary sound effect: Cute little Lassie (TM) whimpers
Killing record: storm troopers, the most pathetic 'army' ever amassed.

Best known for: Killing everything in sight.
Scary Sound effect: Evil beast growls of DOOM (TM).
Killing Record: Annoying suburbanites and whiny yuppies (TM).

Gee, maybe that doesn't prove anything. Alright how about this? Gremlins have the sharp teeth. Ewoks are basically Koalas; but more annoying. Gremlins like to kill. Ewoks like to dance. Gremlins can speak and make intelligent battle strategies (see part 2). Ewoks worship a homosexual piece of tin. There ya go.

Gremlins in 2 hours of overruning the entire moon with thier rabbit like reproduction......

- The Undertaker

Hello? Hello? There is no possible way the Ewoks can win this one, for two very simple reasons. First, every reasonably intelligent being in the known universe hates ewoks. Even if, by some miracle, the gremlins couldn't turn'em into pelts themselves, they'd have every other being in the universe cleaning his shotgun-equivalent and heading to Endor for a little creative extinction. This, however, is moot, because of the second reason: The Ewoks are already dead.

Picture the scene: it's after the battle of Endor. The entire high-level brass of the Empire's command structure has been obliterated. There are, however, still several hundred Star Destroyers around with no one to command them but a bunch of second-tier commanders. Be afraid, kids; the largest military force ever built is now in the hands of middle management. The ascendency of an Intergalactic Pointy-Haired Boss will make Darth Vader look like Gerald Ford. But in the meantime, we've got a bunch of military bereaucrats holding policy discussions and drafting mission statements to figure out what the hell they should do now that Bob Palpatine isn't there to kick'em around. The first thing this sort of organization looks for is a scapegoat, someone to lay the blame of the whole Death Star/Executor snafu upon, ideally one too weak to fight back. Their choices are:

  1. Each Other: No good. Any one of them commands at least a dozen star destroyers, as well a small army of secretaries, Information Technology wireheads, and stock options. They're too strong to pick on.
  2. The Rebels: Seemingly obvious, but still no good. Picking on a Mon Calamari cruiser is never a good idea, as anyone who's played Tie Fighter knows. Also, they've got that little sissy-boy who nevertheless seems to know those Force tricks that Darth always played on them when they screwed up. If nothing else, the Rebels made lots of friends when they blew the Death Star, and it's never a good idea to pick on someone with a lot of friends.
  3. The Ewoks: Now we're cooking with gas. Bunch of annoying little rat-boys whose singing ruined the end of the movie, have no money, no ships, and no corporate connections. Sure, they managed to beat up some Storm Troopers, but who haven't? I doubt the little bastards will be able sling together a shield against orbital bombardment out of their rocks and twigs. If nothing else, the Assembled Management could use the remnants of the Empire's economic controls to drive the price of Ewok pelts through the roof, and then let private poachers do the rest of the work. Either way, the last slide on Vice Moff Wally's Powerpoint presentation to the Assembled Management Team will show an ewok, a gun, and a population graph dropping through the floor.

(Anybody trying to bring any Timothy Zahn novels into the conversation will be volunteered for airlock testing duty.)

Now, let's talk jawas,

- --Rosencrantz

Gremlins are the real 'toons' out of the two races. Sure, the Ewoks was actually a Cartoon format, but they 'really would die' if they fell off a cliff. Take this example, if we drop a Gremlin and an Ewok of a cliff, who chews our arm off as we let go? Which leaves a hole in the ground? which leaves a bloody and furry patch.

Gremlins have the RAGE!(tm) because they hate small furry things (Mowgali sp?)

The Gremlins have the 'hilarious evil psychotic' vote for them. Sure they loose against two teenagers, but on the other hand you can see that the director regards the Gremlins as more real than the rest of the 2d cast, they even escape the movie and attack the cinema staff. If the movie had been made by the Python team, or any other group sheltered from the small minded 'good guys win' situation, then the Gremilns would have gone on causing chaos and violence. They are the Sir Falstaffs (shakespearean reference), the lords of missrule, the Wednesday and Pugsly addams of the evil movie monster world.

Ultimately, take real life. Humans, the most succesful life form on this planet, are we more like Gremlins or like Ewoks?

Anyway, the Gremlins all have to die in an ammusing and individual manner, and like the storm troopers in 'Storm Troopers Vs Red-suited ensigns' the Ewoks can only do one or two types of death. Sure we would loose huge numbers of Gremlins to booby traps, but do you think thats going to worry the Gremlins, to them thats entertainment.

'what we are strvyying for, is what we are awwwll stryyving faw. Culture. Theyre's brawdway,were gowyng to have to fiynd ouwt how to buy tickets, and there's street crime, but I belive we can watch that for free.'

Not to mention the way the Gremlins 'flock' For every one (who ultimately dies) there is it's partner, who exists soley to do something to the murderer of his partner. Look at it this way, wicket is stabbing a Gremlin through the heart with a spear, the Gremlin is dying in an overly theatric way, spining round etc. Behind him is the obligatory partner who is setting light to Wickets Fur.

- Seb 'Gremlin' Rabit

As much as I would love to have voted for the Ewoks, who had their own movie, you'll recall, I just can't. They're CUTE. And while Gizmo also has an incredible Cuteness Factor, at least he could theoretically become a Rampaging Death Monster. The Ewoks are just plain adorable. They even have little baby Ewoks running all over Endor hugging people and smiling. Evenly matched in battle they may be (Ewoks - smart but not-so-fierce; Gremlins - fierce but not-so-smart) the fact remains that I named my hamster after an Ewok, not a Gremlin. Nasty kicks cute in the ass any day.

- Hated those kids in the Ewok movie

Simple - The Gremlins did all of their killing through kitchen appliances/power tools. The Ewoks are the technological equivolent of Jeff Goldblum (Come on. The guy thinks IMacs are cool). Since the Gremlins have no way to kill the Ewoks, they will fall to the power of pointy sticks and sharp rocks.

Summary - Ewoks, in the kitchen, with the lead pipe.

- Fallout Boy

Well, I gotta give the Ewoks some credit. They do have that Jekyll/Hyde thing going on. All nice and cuddly until you piss them off. Plus, they're underdeveloped in the technology department, and everybody knows that Gremlins are most dangerous around things like life support systems, environmental controls, and automated weapons systems.

Which the Ewoks have none of. A Gremlin is going to be hard pressed to muck up any of the Ewoks natural toys. Which is going to knock the Gremlins down a few points in the spread. Put them on the Death Star...they'd destroy it faster than John McClane...but in a jungle? And unless they find some DNA altering fungus, they don't have any natural weaponry. So it's a pretty even fight so far.

But let's take a look at motivation. The Gremlins are simply the point where you wonder if they're related to my ex-girlfriend's mother. To them, destruction, mayhem, and death are like breathing...kind of like my ex's mother. But, just like my ex's mother, unless you give them something mechanical, there's little chance they can do any damage.

The Ewoks? Sorry, but there's something missing from the equation. The Babe Factor. These creatures have been oppressed and probably hunted for their pelts by the Empire. It wasn't until Leia shows up (and perhaps showed them that gold bikini Jabba gave her), that they were able to tap into the Rage(TM) which built up within them.

Remember the Ewok's reaction when Leia took off the helmet. He was shocked there was a woman under there. And he must have talked to his friends, told them that when you got the helmets off there were babes inside. The Ewoks were not trying to save the galaxy...they thought they were chasing chicks.

So since there are no babes within 2.2 parsecs, there's nothing that will incite the Ewoks.

So, it sounds like it would be a pretty lame-o fight. Until you consider one thing: the terrain. The entire Ewok civilization is built hundreds of feet in the air. If you were a Gremlin, would you be able to resist cutting the cords that hold their village up?

The Gremlins have it once they get their hands on a single knife...

- Simple Simon

The Ewoks are gonna get WOK-Ked. Why? It's simple. Wicket dropped the Grelmin in a water cooler with a Leftover piece of KFC. Combining the natural curosity and savageness of the Gremlins with the awesome LSD- mind blending power of the Colonel (Who popped the great Orville Redenbacher, may his popcorn always be buttered), will create the first-ever Jedi GREMLINS!!! Turning promptly to the Dark side, The Jedis will practise Croquet on the poor little Wickets, before dying (with style) to Luke and the boys..

(p.s. Nevertheless, Joe, you da Man. Steve and Brian would be proud of you for THAT opening argument.)

- Little Mac

Sure, the Gremlins are a bunch of fun-loving, maniacs. But come on John, you're forgetting that Gizmo HATES his little self-producing buddies. If anything, he's going to join the Ewoks and help them kick those Gremlins off of Endor.

- Icetor

We need to look a bit deeper into the Star Wars saga for this one. Chewbacca is not an entity of his own. I believe a bunch of Ewoks were smooshed together to form a bigger, more powerful entity--namely Chewbacca--not unlike the cartoon Voltron. In fact, those vocal sounds he makes are not speech; they are merely grunts and groans from Ewoks being trod upon by other Ewoks (possibly with cold bony feet).

When threatened, Ewoks will group together and form more Wookies. Therefore, as the threat from the Gremlins heightens, you'll see fewer Ewoks and more Wookies.

So, to be accurate, this is not a match of Ewoks against Gremlins. No, this is really several matches of a Wookie vs. a Wookie's weight in Gremlins. Using Classic Grudge Match's Rottweiler vs a Rottweiler's weight in Chihuahuas result as a precedent, each Wookie should just barely beat each Wookie's weight in Gremlins.

Not only would this justify voting for the Ewoks/Wookies, it also debunks Cochrane's "Chewbacca Defense" on South Park. It does make sense that Chewbacca would be on Endor with Ewoks. Not only is Chewbacca "one of them," Ol' Chewy is 8 to 12 of them. Therefore, "Stinky Britches" must be Chef's song.

- Mark Wentz

Unfortunately for the Gremlins (and everybody else around), the Ewoks are no doubt acting even more annoying than usual at this time in order to prevent the loss of their title of "Most Annoying Star Wars Characters" to Jar Jar Binks and his funky speaking Gungan buddies in the new movie. After a few hours witnessing the horror resulting from these efforts, I figure the Gremlins will be begging for a nice sun bath, and who can blame them?

- "Mad Dog" Mike

MY G-D! The most evil, sinister, diabolical midgets (sorry, vertically challenged) in movie history versus WHO?!

Oh yeah, versus the Gremlins.

Obviously the Ewoks are going to win this, because no mogwai-spawned Gremlin can compete with those !#@$# EWOKS STUPID LITTLE TEDDY BEARS $#%#ED UP ROTJ NO ONE EVER TOOK STAR WARS SERIOUSLY AFTERWARD WHAT'S UP WITH THIS JAR JAR BINKS CRAP WHY LUCAS WHY WHY WHY WHY????

Glad to get THAT out of my system.

- - Antares435

Here we have the Ewoks, representing the pinnacle of Star Wars commercialism in all its glory. And we have the Gremlins, a physical representation of the evils of commercialism. In effect, the Gremlins were made solely to crush Ewoks and all their brethren. Thus, they will win.

Besides, Star Wars fans despise the Ewoks and won't rush to their aid this time.

- tuffy

Ewoks all the way.

Mowgli are in reality really small ewoks. You see, the main reason that the Ewoks wanted to eat the people in Empire, is so that they car become really big mean Gremlins.

The Ewoks know about the gremlins, since they are a rejected breed of Ewoks anyhow. Also, Gizmo is going to help the Ewoks anyhow, he always helps out those who fight the Gremlins. By chance while walking around the forest, he is going to find a lightsabre that some by chance happens to have left around. Gizmo with a light sabre, just think of the commercialization! The action figures, the cartoon, the posters, trading cards, the . . .

- Nutrini

The Gremlins are gonna carry this one away, kids. Simple fact of life: no one stuffs ballot boxes like fanatical Star Wars fans. And fanatical Star Wars fans hate the Ewoks.

- -Zartan Moloch, the International Bastard

To whom it may concern:

Regrettably, my son will be unable to send in commentary for this week's match-up. He's been in line all week to be the first to buy tickets for that new movie, A Midsummer Night's Dream. I can certainly understand what all the fuss is about; that Stanley Tucci has a cute tushie.

- 1/2 Nelson's Mom

The question was, "Will the Gremlins spell the end of Endor or will the Ewoks eradicate the infestation like an entire legion of the emperor's finest troops?" The answer is, "Neither!" The author of this scenario seems to treat the Gremlins as an organized military force.

In actuality, the Gremlins are not interested in conquest or a maximum body-count, they're interested in having a wild time, any resulting deaths of the targets or bystanders being incidental. They're not evil personified, they're the id personified, following their impulses with little regard for the destructive consequences. For readers unfamiliar with psychoanalytical terms, don't put the Gremlins in the same category as the Empire or even the Viet Cong. Instead, picture a stereotypical, drunken-jock fraternity on Homecoming Night.

As for the Ewoks, their previous battle was 1) commenced only after instigation by human outsiders, and 2) against enemies who a) were obligated to defend a fixed-installation target (the shield-generator), b) were so out-of-their-element and/or arrogant that they wore brightly-colored clothing instead of camoflague, and c) were heavily outnumbered. ('Remind anyone else of the Revolutionary War?) None of those apply here, and the Gremlins rank among the most adaptive people I've ever seen. They're from Tibet, but they had phenomenally little trouble learning and using the objects, concepts, and enviros of Norman-Rockwell-ville or of a copy of the Trump Tower. Further, assuming Endor's vegetation somehow survived all the radioactive fallout from the orbiting Death Star's explosion, not much direct sunlight would get through the canopy to ground-level. The Ewoks' situation would be like when the North Vietnamese drove out the U.S. imperialists via guerilla attrition, then got on the receiving end of their own tactics in their subsequent Cambodia invasion/misadventure.

Expect the Gremlins to integrate themselves into the ecosystem and become a chronic annoyance, much like the Ewoks themselves.

- Matt Bricker

Since you brought it up, here's an update on Endor's current ecological situation. As is so brilliantly demonstrated at the Star Wars Technical Commentaries site, Endor did not survive the destruction of the second Death Star. The Ewoks are no more. Can I hear a "Hallelujah", brothers and sisters! - Shane

Gremlins, all the way. Do not forget that the Mogwai is, in essence, that most evil, twisted and deptaved of creations, a Furby . Consider the evidence:

1) After a few days of ownership, the average Furby develops a penchant for saying "Big light up!" c.f. "Bright light! Bright light!"

2) Observe, if you will, some quotes from the instruction manual.

"Do not let your Furby get wet."
"Never feed your Furby REAL food."

3) Furbies sing irritating songs when they are bored.

Do we sense a recurring theme here? Furbies and Mogwai are ONE AND THE SAME. So, Furbies vs. Ewoks:

4) Furbies outsold ewok toys last Christmas.

5) It has long been known that the Furby is in fact a secret mind control experiment conducted by the worldwide intelligence community (MKULTRA? Don't make me laugh).

6) Furbies are obviously evil, all powerful demonic entities that are only nominally under the control of their CIA/MI6 masters and actually have their own Machiavellian plan to rule the universe etc. etc.


- Duc de Nevers (No shit I'm paranoid)

Yoda lived on Dagobah, a swamp planet. Jedi Master or not, Yoda could not have kept that little furball dry for very long. The damp air would have been enough to shoot out two or three others. So I con to this conclusion... the Mogwi (a.k.a. the thing I just tried to spell) was defective. With that said, even if Wicket did feed the little drain clog after midnight only one gremlin would evolve.

Let's not forget that the Ewoks not only helped defeat the Empire but can also learn and adapt very quickly to new situations. For example those two Ewoks learned to run the ST-AT in under 20 seconds. Not bad for a bunch of midgets in fur. I believe that the Ewoks could adapt to the little bit of mischief that the lone gremlin would unleash on the unsuspecting Ewok population.

In conclusion Billy Peltzer defeated the gremlins pretty much single handedly (okay so Spike pretty much kicked his ass). Has anyone seen the guy who played him, Billy, in anything else? I mean they had to make sequels just so this kid could have a career. My point is that if he could defeat the can't be that hard.

- Chamberlain

In the words of Dark Helmet, 'Evil will always triumph, because Good is dumb.'

While the Gremlins are not the sharpest razors in the pack, and they are most definatly a few french fries short of a happy meal, I think they have the upper hand here. With their dark black, green, and brown coloring, they will easily blend in with the forests of Endor. They also have the size advantage (sometimes smaller can be better). The ewoks are very skilled at setting traps for people twice their size,(who dress in BRIGHT WHITE in a FOREST, nonetheless) but I have my doubts as to how well their traps will work for creatures smaller than they are. Even if the ewoks do somehow manage to set traps that the gremlins fall to, the gremlins will have the advantage of numbers in no time. Endor is a forest moon, and forests tend to have streams, lakes, or shallow pools; regardless of the form, there is going to be some water nearby. The ewoks are a simple, non-technological society. Logic tells us that their homes would be built near a water supply. Even if there is no water, the forest would most likely be dewy at night; rolling in the grass could do the job just as well. Before long, the Gremlins will be feasting on toasted teddy bear in their new treetop condos.

- Virdilak

THE EMPEROR'S FINEST???? BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!! c'mon, storm troopers have the life expectancy of a red shirted ensign! they got their collective butts handed to them by retarded little bears in hoods! here's how i see the scene. Wicket puts the mogwai into the water cooler and feeds him. it multiplies instantaneously (wow, 6 sylables there, Joe. think you can pronounce that?), and transform in to about 5 gremlins, each of which turn into another 5 gremlins, which turn into more, ad infinitum. Stripe, the original mogwai, grabs Wicket and microwaves the little freak. the gremlins then proceed to shave the ewoks bald.

- Bri Rob the Caveman

Good guys always win
I'm sorry to say, but it's a sad, sad fact. In every televison show and movie, the bad guy never, ever wins (with the exception of those shows that make the bad guy always win ie Outer Limits etc).
Of cousrse the ewoks would win, at the verge of their grisly defeat, the ghost of yoda would step in, do some special force stuff compliments of Industrial Light and Magic (TM)
But before that happens, the gremlins would kick a lot of furry ewok ass, proving to be quite an entertaining and profitable spectacle for George Lucas.
As you can recall in the Gremlins(TM) movies, those horny, ravenous slimy green bastards wreaked havoc, destruction and all out carnage upon the town/city they were in (I forgot the names but they aren't important)
Sure some may say that a aouple of pathetic high school losers and a furry wussy assed, television addicted piece of ^&*% were able to defeat the hordes of the Gremlins (TM), but as I mentioned above, the good guys always win.
And now for what really happens....
twas the night before tomorrow and all through the huts,
two creatures were stirring, it was Leia and Han
the two were bunking, togething in bed, and Han was asking Leia for H**D
Just as she was ready there rose such a clatter..
And on her face she felt a spatter..
Goddamit Han! She was about to exclaim,
"It only happened this time!!" well, it happpened again
She rose from the bed, about to swear...
When a glob of that stuff landed into her hair
She turned around, bent down to get dressed...
And saw something weird coming out of his chest
Half clothed and half drunk she bent over (gratuitous shot here) to look
And saw in his chest was a long metal hook.
She looked at her hair, and examined the spatter...
Instead of sweet stuff, it was covered with guts
Half clothed still and scared, she began to shiver, and now her whole body was beginning to quiver.
Her body was cold, like she got out of a pool...
As she turned to flee, she was covered with drool
She slowly looked up, and and was thrown to the ground
When she woke up, they were all around
Now she was naked, tied up to the cot
And now those small bastards wanted watch
They took out some knives and took out some sticks
And started to nibble upon her smooth hips
Her screams were not heard as into her face
Something foul and dirty was stuck there in case
At dawn when young Luke came to take a quick peek,
All that he saw was guts on a sheet
Around to the huts he went to raise fort
But in those huts were a few grisly corpse
The ewoks were massacred, Han never got there, poor Leia defiled and Luke was not there...
When out of the shadows, there emerged a grand figure,
Who muttered a word and restored everything
Yelled George Lucas, the god of the Land
And with a wave of his hand there were Leia and Han
He used his mighty power to shut down Warner (tm)
And with THX sound he would earn millions
The moral here is good guys always win
Except for poor Han, who's alone in the can
So don't mess with Lucas, he can be a real bitch
Star Wars(TM) is his movie
He gets to do what he wants
And anyone who displeases him,
Gets his ass crushed

Ok, that had almost nothing to do with gremlins, just a lot of adult content, but the gremlins did do some killing, maily Han's mood but it was still a pretty cool poem eh?

the gremlins went about and kicked a lot of ass in the town after finishing with Leia and then killed everyone except Luke with gory carnage like in their movies
Lucas shot it all on film and released in theaters with Episode One (TM) And made millions!!! Lucas Win!!! And since he owns the ewoks(TM) They win too

THE END (till next week)

- Kamikaze

So, here I come back after my self-imposed exile (actually, more like a sabbatical to ponder some things, not the least of which was to re-charge the ol' neurons to bring them back up to WWWF standards), only to find my beloved Ground Zero has sunk to the shameless levels of current hype and crass commercialism... HAVE YOU BOYS NO SHAME??!

And not only that, but as a 13-hour overnight veteran of a Line Of Star Wars Fanatics Camped Out For Tickets To The Phantom Menace(tm), I am especially overcome by the savage, brutal imagery of envisioning a whole new mob of people lined outside a movie theater to see "Ewoks vs. Gremlins"... not just Star Wars Fanatics mind you, but horde upon horde of Lifeless Fanboys Who Can't Get Enough Of Phoebe Cates (Never Mind That She Hasn't Had A Career Since Drop Dead Fred)(tm). Is this ANY way to return from a sabbatical... to find one's creative centers of the brain subjected to a psionic-Hellraiser?!?

Anyway, as a ranking expert on all things Star Wars in this forum, I am compelled to come out and break silence, and say in my humble opinion... Gremlins win in an utter rout of the Ewoks.

Y'see, this match is taking place on Endor. Which like all locales in the Star Wars universe is plagued with exactly one kind of climate... that being what we would consider on Earth to be California decidious forest(tm). And forests tend to have a very distinct structure when viewed vertically, such that at the top level there is a dense forest canopy that filters out approximately 90% of the sunlight that could be hitting the forest floor, were it not for the vegetation. There's very little direct sunlight... which if you remember Gremlins, Stripe was in subdued sunlight for a good part of the last fight in the store, but it was direct sunlight which turned him into bubbling goo. In other words, unless this matchup is taking place at tree-top level, Gremlins will have no sunlight-imposed limiting factor.

Second, there must be ample moisture as this is a forest moon. Look at that holograph that Admiral Akbar projects in Return of the Jedi... there's even some seas on this moon. Probably a good lake or two also. If you think a YMCA swimming pool will satiate a Gremlin's procreative lust, imagine what a whole honkin' ocean will do for him/her/it!

There is an ample food supply... I offer Chewbacca's falling for the Ewok trap as proof of this. Gremlins will have no compunctions over killing and then eating forest prey, again unaffected by sunlight and with more than enough water to produce more Gremlins.

It takes approximately 24-48 hours for a Mogwai to cocoon and become a Gremlin. Wicket throws the Mogwai into the cooler and leaves him... probably forgets all about him. First the Mogwai reproduces proportionate to the amount of water (which I'm guessing will produce 300-400 other Mogwai). Those Mogwai go into the forest consuming, either Ewok-stored food or eating slain vermin. As an untamed Mogwai will have no compunction about eating after midnight, we could expect 400 slimy cocoons throughout a relatively limited geographical area (this is a conservative estimate, assuming those Mogwai do not go on to produce more via water).

2 days after Wicket throws the Mogwai into the cooler, the Gremlins emerge and encounter the Ewoks. Some are lost to Ewok weaponry but as we learned from the Gremlins movies, Gremlins know complicated machinery by instinct and can also improvise. In the ensuing melee, the Ewoks are defeated but not killed... they are to be fodder for the Gremlins toyish pleasures. Meanwhile, the Gremlins, whose growth has gone unchecked, swarm out all over Endor, reproducing all the while. This formula best describes what will happen:

Gt=(Gi(W^F) )Limit S

where Gt is total Gremlins deriving from the initial Mogwai/Gremlin (Gi), W is water available to the power of F (food supply) limited by sunlight (S)

Within a week, all of Endor is covered by Gremlins. There is one tiny enclave of Ewoks left... those that are being held captive (and little Cindel, but she doesn't count since the Ewoks TV movies aren't canon anyway). Obviously, this presents a potential risk to the rest of the New Republic, since even one escaped Gremlin could wipe out a whole world.

Meanwhile, on the Alliance Headquarters ShipHome One...

"Ackbar here, Mon Mothma."

"Admiral, we have no choice. Endor is a lost cause. You may fire when ready."

Just beyond the moon's orbit is the hastily-constructed Death Star III, built with the secret plans inside R2-D2. A Calamarian crewman whispers "damn Ewoks" and pulls the trigger. The Forest Moon of Endor explodes into a trillion pulsing-hot slabs of rock.

And the audience goes wild. Although this should essentially count as a "Both Mangled and Killed", Gremlins are the clear victor.

(and besides, my mom thought Ewoks were really cute. A year later she leaves the theater halfway through Gremlins. I pick whatever grossed out Momma anyday!)

- Chris 'Jedi' Knight: yes, I'm back... and see my Darth Maul costume here!!

Shame? What is this thing you call "shame"? - Eds.

There will be no Gremlins. As soon as that Mogwai takes one bite of the Kentucy Fried Chicken (which is already siding with Star Wars, mind you), his little arteries will be unable to stand the grease, which can be enough to kill a fully-grown human. Dead Mogwai= no asexually reproductive furballs. The battle is won before it's begun.

- Nick "Maniac Clown" Zachariasen

The Gremlins will overwhelm the Ewoks like Hans Gruber and Co. at a Japanese Corp. Christmas party. Christmas as defined by my favorite book of fiction (you know...A Christmas Carol) is a time of peace and joy with family and friends and other nice stuff. It is celebrated by all the great civilizations here on Earth in many ways: Whether you are Mrs. Hogget dreaming of slicing up "Babe" for a pork roast or the "good" Grinch carving up the Roast Beast (Christmas is not for Vegetarians). Other races, creeds, nationalities, etc residing on Spaceship Earth celebrate Christmas only they call it by other names (Chanukah, Kwanzaa, Winter Solstice, even Ramadan every 12 years or so). But Christmas is not only a Earth holiday, it transcends space. The 1964 documentary "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians" revealed how the Martian leader, Kimar, made a clumsy attempt to kidnap ole St. Nick back to Mars (this bungled affair ranks only second to Jack Skellington's miserable attempt). Thanks to Billy, Betty, and Dropo's uncanny portrayal as the jolly red-suited-one, Christmas was saved. Now Christmas is celebrated every Septober (thats around December in Earth's Solar Calendar)on Mars. But wait it also transcends time. Recall Picard's trip to the Nexus or Kirk's drunken sexual advances to one of McCoy's science technicians at one of the Enterprise's Christmas Parties (see Daggers of the Mind). So now that space and time is brought into the picture, Christmas is celebrated in far away galaxies a long,long time ago. Remember the "Ewoks Christmas" on t.v. (Please, I am not insane, I actually saw this though none of my friends (both of them) believe me.)This demonstrates that even the Ewoks celebrate it (Peace on the forested Moon of Endor and Goodwill to Ewok) And to further belabor my point, a young Anakin Skywalker's desire for a "Turbo Man" generated Sinbad's finest performance to date on the Silver Screen. Now recall when the Gremlins did all their Christmas! This lack of respect for this great holiday and an obvious slap to the face on the East Coast Syndicate that runs the racket (thank you Lucy Van Pelt for your honesty) proves the Gremlins are merciless beings. In summary, the Gremlins will make a "Silent Night, Deadly Night" of the Ewoks.

- Robby H

We all know what bears do in the woods. Considering that the Ewoks don't appear to have bathrooms in their forest homes and that the surrounding trees grow incredibly huge, it doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure out that all the waste is going over the side. Once that Gremlin escapes, it needs only fall down to the forest floor to land in a virtual pool of dung and urine, creating a massive unstoppable army. True, this will be the first ever batch of yellow and brown Gremlins, but Gremlins nonetheless. Yes, it looks bad for our heroes the Ewoks.

But, if I have learned anything from Star Wars, the rules of reality just don't apply. Just consider the following:

1) THX Surround-Sound in the vacuum of space.
2) Full-terrain, expensive, armored vehicles, designed to take tremendous abuse from laser fire, explosives and various other forms of weaponry, are crushed like discarded beer cups by a couple of logs.
3) Advanced medicine that can create fully integrated artificial body parts but can't provide Darth Vader with a breathing apparatus that doesn't sound an asthma patient having a seizure inside a rusty iron lung.

But even this silliness is nothing compared to the masterpiece of Star Wars silliness: EWOK TECHNOLOGY. What era of development are the Ewoks in exactly? Their main armament is a Stone Age spear and they live in trees. Clearly Ewoks are primitives, which is what Lucas wanted. But they have the catapult which is an invention that humans didn't develop until Roman times several thousand years later. They also have a glider which is something humanity didn't develop until the late 19th century! And not only just a glider, but a glider that drops rocks on unsuspecting victims and, beyond any logic whatsoever, accurately hits a moving target with precision accuracy. Folks, we have a word for that sort of weapons system - it's called a STRATEGIC BOMBER. Clearly, the Ewoks can develop any advanced technology at will, regardless of the fact that they dont even have a written language!

I fully expect that as the Gremlins corner the surviving Ewoks into their last stand, the shaman will solemnly raise his arms, chant some incantations and reveal his brand new organic miniature artificial sun made from mud and sticks. The Gremlins are toast. Literally.

- Paul G.

Hmmmm... so evenly matched! Almost as close as Care Bears vs. Raptors! This match is just sad. Poor, annoying Ewoks against the embodiment of RAGE(tm) called GREMLINS!!!! But the fact is, the Gremlins are managed...BY ME! Yes, that's right, I have created a loyal Gremlin army to serve me, and I now am pitting it agaist Ewoks. And THERE WILL BE NO CHANCE OF EWOK VICTORY! For I am Devin The Mental Hospital Escapee. I own the Gremlins. I own Elmer and his bus.(see FPL) And now I will own the moon of Endor and a new Ewok Death Machine for killing Brendan and Tristian Pratt, his loyal minion.

Be afraid

Be very afraid.


- Devin The All-Powerful Mental Hospital Escapee

At first it seemed like an easy win for the Ewoks because the setting iss outdooors and the whole sunlight thing, then I realized its the RAIN FOREST moon. Think about it-triple canopy jungle to block out the sun and plenty of water. Now factor in the fact they worshiped C3PO because he seemed to fly, imagine what they will do the first time they see a gremlin get wet.

They will immediately start building an alter and go looking for some wuss like Luke to sacrafice to the almighty self-replicating gremlin. The gremlins wil use their status as gods to enslave the ewoks and then go after their comon enemy--those little friggin blue commie bastards, the smurfs!

- Claymore


The Final Word

Ewoks will win because their cereal tasted better.

- Aspen

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Alf v. E.T.
Raptors v. Aliens
Other Star Wars™ based Grudge Matches™

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