These responses were longer than most, but they made Paul laugh his tights off. As is our tradition when we can't get off the fence about which responses to include, we decided to throw open the doors to the Ritalin Reading Room (suitable for those long, ponderous moments on the toilet). People with short attention spans have left the building.
YOU have got to be kidding. I'm with Paul on this one (and not b/c we
both graduated SHU). Read this well. Wrestling IS REAL, it's just
predetemined! If you don't think it's real, ASK MICK FOLEY! That
crazy bastard took a drive of a 16 foot high steel cage, through the
Spanish announce table (which seems to have a target on it), and got
UP, and not only got up, he went back to the top of the cage where the
Undertaker chokeslammed him though it. And guess what, he still got
UP! His tooth came though his face, and he was smiling about it!
Sicne you so convieniently left out Mick Foley since then the wreslters would win in a not contest as the boxers run screaming from the arena as Foley takes 15 straight chairshots to the face and still fights on! But I digress, I'll focus on who is in this match.
First, Goldberg - he's the walking embodyment of all testosterone! He
went something like 190 - 0 before losing a match, that was over
shadowed by a certain frenchman, who I'm told went undefeated for 15
years in the business! (sorry shane, the French can win) In case you
werent paying attention, I'm refering to Andre the Giant. Anyway,
if we match him with the biggest boxer (Butterbean) he'll be pissing
butter down his pant leg after getting the spear and then a
Jackhammer(TM) (if Goldberg can Jackhammer(TM) the Giant, he can
Jackhammer(TM) Butter Bean) Leaving Goldberg to shout "Who's
Next: the Rock, THE MOST ELECTIFYING MAN IN SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT TODAY. Now the Rock is the great one, the rock is the chosen one, and together with the Millions........
...and Millions of the Rocks fan, the rock will lay the smack down on anyone's candy ass who gets infront of him. When the Rock meets with De LaHoya, it's go something like this
Rock: (To fans)FINALLY, THE ROCK HAS COME BACK TO lAS VEGAS. (to
Oscar)You dare, come into the people's ring, you want to go one on one
with the great one! You come here, and want to challege me, and you
don't even tell me your name
DeLaHoya: Well, my name is...
Rock: IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS! The Rock says this, you want to come in here and impress the Rock, well it looks like a Monkey came in here, and took a crap in the middle of the ring. So what the Rock's going to do tonight, is give you 5 seconds, and the Rock means 5 seconds, to get your monkey ass out of the ring, or i'm going to take them boxing gloves, turn them sideways and stick 'em straight up your candy ass.
And in the ensuing fight, the Rock lays the smackdown on DeLahoyas candy ass, with a Rock Bottom here, a People's elbow there, checking him into the Smack Down Hotel and the Rock is once again victorious, making one more monkey ass famous...IF YOU SMELL.....WHAT THE ROCK....IS COOKIN'
This bring us to Austin, the rattle snake, He lives by a simple rule, DTA - Don't trust anybody, and even though Mike Tyson counted the 1 2 3 for Austin's first title reign, Austin will just as soon drop him on his neck like everyone else. When Tyson goes forthe ear bite(TM), Austin will just turn him around and give him the Stone Cold Stunner(TM), give Mike the Finger, chug some Coors Light and go home. And that's all I've go to sayabout that
Now you got the oldest of the bunch, Hogan, either it be Hollywood, or Hulk or Terry or whatever. He's got the Pythn's Brother, and since you have him pictures on the nWo gear, might as well use that to our advantage, everyone knows that nWo Hogan only wins if the rest of the nWo comes out and saves his ass, so while he takes on Foreman (oldes t of the Boxers) but while Foreman is counnting the Georges in his Family (about 27 now) Hogan and the Rest of the nWo will jump him, kick his as, and then Hogan will rip off his shirt, put his ear to the crowd, turn on the nWo (5th time with month) and be victorious. and as Paul pointed out, Whatcha Gunna do, when Hulkamania and the 24 in pythons run wild on you!
So for the wresters and boxers, we have Holyfield left with Chyna, I know it looks like a mismatch, but chyna has one thing to her advantage, the ever dangerouse nutshot (tm) One well places shot to Holyfields jewels (as Holyfield states as the well done boob job), will have him in the fetal position on the mat and Chyna will have 2 words for him...
Which leaves us with the manager battles. As managers goes, Captain Lou has to be the best, He's led more tag teams to the titles than any other manager ever. What has Don King done? Stole from his champions. When the defeated boxers realze this, Captian Lou won't have to do a thing since the somewhat mangled boxers realized they were duped into this all out beating by Don King who is sitting back and watching the cash roll in for himself and none for them.
AND THAT'S THE BOTTOM LINE, CAUSE STONE COLD SAYS SO!
- --The People's Champ - Vinnie Mondaro
Joey Styles: Welcome everyone to WWWF Wrestlmanya. I'm Joey Styles, from the IGNORED ECW.
Jerry Lawler: And I'm The King. This oughtta be a-
*Lights erupt as Devin The Mental Hospital Escapee emerges.*
JS: OH MY GAWD! Devin is here!!!
*Devin takes a headset.*
Dev: Great to be here. Styles, just call the match. And Lawler...um, you're hopeless.
JL: HEY! Don't talk to a King that way!
Dev: Kings come from Memphis?
JS: ANYWAYS, it looks like the competitors have arrived while we were talking and...Rock has a microphone ALREADY?
The Rock: Listen up, you trailer-park trash boxers. The Rock sees that you can't get along, since Tyson's got himself an Holyfield Ear snack. So The Rock says this: The Rock will take that half of an ear, turn it sideways, and STICK IT STRAIGHT, UP YOUR CANDY ASS!
JS: Harsh words from Maivia, but can he back it up?
Dev: I know Rocky. He can take those six jabronis alone.
JL: HAHA! Especially since they don't have PUPPIES!!! Well, I guess Butterbean does...
JS: Lawler, that is sick.
Dev: Yeah...FIGHTING finally.
JS: Austin and Hogan are teaming up on Evander. Say, I thought he was Hulk now?
JL: He changes who he is more than the color of his beard.
Dev: OK, whatever. Evander can't take this beating. Kick after kick, punch after punch...
JS: OH MY GAWWD! He caught Austin with a roundhouse right and took his head OFF!!!
JL: I never liked Austin.
Dev: Me neither, and someone's got a good souveneir.
JS: Evander is gloating, watch out...
Dev: Chyna with an...oof...that hurt.
JL: HAHA! Evander won't have a good weekend.
JS: Evander passed out from the pain. It's 5-5.
Dev: FINALLY! The Rock has thrown De La Hoya into a corner and lands his trademark punch combo. Beat that, ya BASTICH BOXERS!!!
JL: What the? Are you The Sandman?
Dev: What do you mean?
JS: Back to the match, Hoya got some help from Foreman, who nailed Rocky from behind.
Dev: HE TORE THE ROCK'S $500 SHIRT!!!
JL: ACK! We're losing!
JS: No we aren't, King. Tyson has been tricked by Chyna. She asked him to spell "I" and he is struggling.
JL: HAHAHAHA! He wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed!
Dev: Goldberg sees a chance...
JS: SPEAR ON TYSON! OH MY GAWD!
JL: Goldberg has two moves, so next is the-
Dev: JACKHAMMER! He's not getting up soon.
JS: OH MY GAWWD! Fans, while THAT was happening, Don King impaled Chyna on his hair!
Dev: That must've hurt.
JL: Who cares? Never liked her puppies...
JS: BACK to the action, Hogan has drawn Foreman away from The Rock, who is still attempting to get up. De La Hoya continues to pound with kicks, of all things. THIS could be a bad idea.
Dev: Hogan just grabbed a burger and threw it into the Chihuahua Pit (tm) at ringside!
JL: Foreman can't be that stupid!
JS: OH MY GAWWD! Foreman dove in HEAD FIRST!!!!
Dev: He loved his hamburgers, but never thought of the consequences. Remember kids, cholesterol doesn't kill you, diving into a Chihuahua Pit(tm) for a hamburger does.
JS: Back to the action, The Rock has been playing possum. He just got up out of nowhere and planted De La Hoya with the backspin DDT.
JL: Hoya's back up....ACK! THE ROCK BOTTOM!!!
Dev: There goes the elbow pad, we all know what's next, the most ELECTRIFYING move in sports entertainment...
JS: OH MY GAWWD!!! THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW!!! Hoya's heartbeat has stopped, due to the elbow going THROUGH the chest.
Dev: Quit laughing, Lawler.
JS: It's Butterbean and Don King versus The Rock, Goldberg, and Captain Lou Albano.
Dev: Goldberg, turn around! Butterbean's right...
JL: ACK! Goldberg got nailed!
JS: That's a left hook, King. Either way, Goldberg's out.
Dev: OK, odds are even.
JL: Why does Albano have on red overalls and a hat?
Dev: On TV, he WAS Mario...
JS: OH MY GAWWD!
Dev: STOP saying that.
JS: Erm, right. Albano jumped on 'Bean's head! Bean is hurt!
JL: And Albano gets a coin! HAHA!
Dev: NO! DON'T JUMP ON DON'S...
JS:...head. I think Albano's done.
Dev: Yep. Hey, The Rock is speaking!
The Rock: Listen up, large haired jabroni. The Rock decided you need a haircut.
JS: The Rock has some scissors? Where'd he get those?
JL: HE CUT OFF DON'S HAIR! HAHAHA!
Dev: Those scissors must be titanium, not much else could do that.
JS: He takes the hair...
JL: ...turns it sideways...
Dev: AND STICKS IT STRAIGHT...UP HIS CANDY ASS!
JS: OH MY GA-
JS: Uh, oh yeah. Don is done for. I never thought The Rock could LITERALLY do that.
JL: THis isn't WCW, you can't use "literally."
Dev: Well, it's one-on-one, and...why are the lights out?
JS: That's KANE'S music!
JL: *hears explosion* ACK! Hide me!
Dev: Universal rule: Wrestlers always get other wrestlers to help.
JS: And it's gonna hurt Butterbean. Kane just chokeslammed him into a corner...
Dev: At which time X-Pac came out to do the Bronco Buster.
JL: ACK!! This isn't fair!
JS: If Rock loses, YOU lose your job.
JS: Back to the fighting....uh-oh....
Dev: YES! RVD 4:20! Finally ECW can prove itself!
JL: Butterbean got a chair thrown to him...
JS: VAN DAMINATOR! Butterbean is out...
Dev: It's not over yet. The Dudleyz are out with 3 tables and a ladder.
JL: That can't be good...
JS: D-Von is stacking the tables on the outside...ALL THREE!
Dev: Buh-Buh just put up the ladder mid-ring...I think I see this coming...
JL: ACK!! They put Butterbean up on top of the ladder with the Dudleyz! How can it stand?
JS: Oh no, they won't...
Dev: THE 3D! 3D FROM THE LADDER TO THE OUTSIDE THROUGH ALL THREE TABLES! THIS IS HOW WRESTLING SHOULD BE!!!
JS: Wow. D-Von seems fine after that spill, but Butterbean's going home in a bodybag.
Dev: Well, it's obvious who the winners are. Wrestling beats boxing. The moral of this story is that wrestlers can call in back-up and a boxer can't. This has been Wrestlemanya V, so long and good night!
- Devin The Mental Hospital Escapee who wonders why ECW was overlooked...
JR: Good evening folks, Jim Ross here along with Jerry "The King" Lawler, and our two guest commentators from the WCW, Larry "The Living Legend" Zybysko and Bobby "The Brain" Heenan.
(the show follows the WWF format because there are 3 wrestlers from WWF and only two from WCW.)
JR: We're all glad you could join us here tonight. We're all set up for one hell of a slobberknocker as the wrestlers prepare to come back from the locker room for the second half of this long-awaited match and-
BH: Why didn't they just stay out here and fight?
JR: Whadya mean, Brain?
BH: Well, why do they have to go all the way back to the locker room and come out again?
LZ: Back in my day we didn't pull stunts like that, it was just "come out and fight the guy".(Takes off his headset and stands up to acknowledge the "Larry" chants in the background.)
JL: I don't know how you do things in (clears throat) WCW but here in the WWF we give people what they want to see.
BH: And that would be?
JL: Puppies! (starts whistling)
JR: Well, ladies and gentlemen, here come the first two wrestlers of this long-awaited match, Stone Cold and Goldberg-
BH: The Man!
JL: Hey, Braino, haven't you ever noticed how these two look alike?
BH: What do you mean, King?
JL: We all know Goldberg is just a rip-off of Stone Cold! Admit it, you WCW guys got jealous and made up a Stone Cold lookalike!
LZ: Just because they wear the same color trunks, and just because they both have a pad on their knee, and just because they're both shaved bald, doesn't mean we ripped off Stone Cold.
BH: And even if we did, look what you guys did with Gillberg!
JL: Hey, we here in WWF don't stand for that kinda thing! (He rips off his headset and starts attacking the Brain. The Legend jumps in and he and the King start brawling into the crowd. The Brain stumbles back to the announce table and fixes his hair.)
JR: Ladies and gentlemen, it's just chaos out here at the announce position - and look what's going on in the ring! Goldberg just speared Austin!
BH: He musta heard what the King was saying about him being a ripoff, you just don't say that kind of thing about The Man!
JR: The referee's trying to maintain control, but you're just not going to keep these two apart! Goldberg and Austin just spilled to the outside...and here come the next two wrestlers, Hulk Hogan and The Rock!
BH: They seem to be getting along well enough, JR. (lowers voice) Maybe 'cause you guys didn't make Rock a Hogan ripoff...
JR: Uh-oh, Rock's got the microphone...
(Rock stands on the second rope and raises the People's Eyebrow while Hogan listens to the crowd)
ROCK: Finally, The Rock has come back to Las Vegas!
(This match is taking place in Vegas, right? All the best matches are the ones in Vegas.)
ROCK: The Rock says, he's going to take Evander Holyfield's ear, rip it off his size 33 head, turn it sideways, and stick it straight up Mike Tyson's candy ass!
HOGAN: Enough talking, brother, let's just "lay the smack down" on these no-good boxers!
ROCK: (The Great One raises The People's Eyebrow) Don't you ever! And the Rock means...
ROCK: ...steal the Rock's phrases ever again!
HOGAN: Oh yeah? What are ya gonna do about it, brother? What are you gonna do when Hulkamania runs wild on you?
JR: Rock and Hogan are going at it now! This is total chaos!
BH: Hey, where's the last wrestler? That big black-haired girl should have been out here by now.
JR: Let's get a camera out back there, and see what's going on...
(The boxers are gathered around a TV watching the wrestlers from the two different promotions attack each other. Suddenly, a snow shovel connects with the back of Mike Tyson's head! Low blows drop Oscar de la Hoya and Butterbean, while Holyfield succumbs to a brutal hit with a sledgehammer. Foreman tries to run but a chair hits him in the head and he crumples to the ground.)
JR: It's Chyna, Triple H and Shane McMahon!
CHYNA: (flexing her fingers) Those guys sure don't have much down there, do they?
HHH: I'd almost forgotten how much fun it is to beat people with a sledgehammer. Now let's go find that sonofabitch Mankind!
SHANE: Nah, he's already fighting with Bam Bam Bigelow. I saw Eric Bischoff around here a few minutes ago, and I can't wait to take care of him... (runs off waving his chair)
- The Black Shadow - can ya smell what the Shadow is cookin?
(Rock, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it, no, not the People's Elbow! AAAH!)
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