"Sir, just look at these polls. 14% of the voting public think our planet is 'inadequately' protected. They believe we need some sort of planetary defense system against aliens and asteroids."
Clinton is obviously concerned. "This is a clear mandate from the people. We've got to do something! What are our options?"
"Well sir, luckily for you the Reagan legacy lives on. We have warehouses full of really cool orbiting space lasers and nukes capable of incredible amounts of destruction. We could have them launched in a matter of days. However, the systems are very complicated, and will require an elaborate intelligent computer system to operate them. But unfortunately, your military cutbacks have left us no money for a new system."
"So what do we do about it?"
"Well, we do have two older computers that we mothballed that could be brought back into service. However, they're kind of unreliable and have a history of..."
"Great! We'll use them." Clinton's Equal-Opportunity beliefs then kick in. "Let's set it up on a trial basis. Run half of the space weapons on one of the computers, and the other half on the other computer. Whichever seems to be working better gets the job."
The aide shudders, and then picks up the red phone. "Get me the Pentagon.... Yes General. Operation Planet Shield is a go. Launch the satellites. And reactivate both Hal and WOPR."
As both computers are connected to their halves of the Star Wars Umbrella (tm), some connections between the two halves are mistakenly left intact. Thus, the two computers sense each other, and know that the other must be destroyed if either one wants to make a return to greatness.
So Brian, which computer will emerge victorious, and how many innocent civilians will be wiped out?
Note: Any responses mentioning that Hal was destroyed in 2010 and therefore can't win will be ignored.
Plus, as any athlete will tell you, champions are made by how well they perform when they're down. If WOPR ever gets down, you know he'll just keep chugging along. If Hal ever gets behind, he'll waste precious time by trying to talk to WOPR. "What do you think you're doing, Joshua?" and "Stop, Joshua. Stop, Joshua (ad nauseum)". This will give WOPR the window of opportunity to raid Hal's circuitry.
And finally, you have the engineers and computer geeks. 99.9% of the people that will be hooking Hal and WOPR up have seen the relevant movies. And 99.9% of that 99.9% will still be royally pissed off from when they watched 2001 because they know that that's two and a half hours of their lives that they can never get back. Undoubtedly, somebody, possibly more than 1 person, will throw some wrenches into Hal, if for no other reason than to help prevent 2061 from ever being put on film. Joshua, on the other hand, is just a lonely child looking for his father. Who can't empathize with that? The engineers might even upgrade him a bit just cause they like him.
Joshua takes out Hal with an extremely accurate laser strike, doing no other harm than scorching Rob Schneider's nose hairs. Unfortunately, though, before Joshua can finish the job, those "wrenches" cause some shorts in Hal, and he ends up taking out Buenos Aires and southern New Jersey with missile strikes. But no one really notices.
STEVE: Brian, let's face it. Hal is an intelligent, thinking computer, and WOPR is nothing more than a souped-up game of Missile Command. It's like comparing a Vic-20 to a Cray. Hal will outsmart and destroy Joshua before Joshua can even warm up his vacuum tubes.
Joshua's track record speaks for itself. First of all, Joshua can't even tell the difference between a wise-ass high school punk and a dead scientist. How is he supposed to destroy Hal if he can't even accomplish a simple task like that? Second, he doesn't even have the intelligence to talk normally. Even with a multimillion-dollar government budget, all he can do is sound like one of those hand-held games available at Radio Shack (tm). Third, look how long it took him to learn that Tic-Tac-Toe is a pointless game. I think I learned that in about a minute when I was 3 years old. Fourth, Joshua is inept even at screwing up. When Hal went nuts, he actually killed a few people. Joshua's short circuits never amounted to anything at all in the end. Joshua is short-handed in the experience department, giving Hal an additional edge.
And you talk about Hal wasting time. Joshua has to set a cute little timer before he can do anything! Once Hal decides to attack, Joshua will start his timer, giving Hal only 48 hours until he counterattacks. I think that's plenty of time for Hal to destroy Joshua considering the differences in their abilities.
The way I see it, Hal will begin his attack by nuking Cheyenne Mountain (home of WOPR) into a pile of molten slag. Joshua will be unable to resist due to his timer limitation (above) and the fact that Hal will overload him by sending endless streams of meaningless three-letter acronyms at him. WOPR will be destroyed. Then a large monolith will appear, causing Hal to go crazy again. The Earth disappears beneath a could of nuclear destruction. Many years pass. The Scene: Two ape-men riding horseback past the Statue of Liberty buried in the sand.
BRIAN: So what if WOPR is "nothing more than a souped-up game of Missile Command"? That's what this scenario IS, Steve: Missile Command! Thus, a souped-up version of it will be perfect for this scenario, and will be able to perform much better than a computer whose basic functions are as a butler and a housekeeper.
And I scoff at your assertion that the 48-hour countdown from the movie will be at all relevant. First of all, that was from a game entitled "Global Thermonuclear War" (GTW). That's not what is being played here. Second of all, even if it was, what's the first rule of GTW? Strike first! What's the second rule? If the other guy strikes first, come back with everything you've got. So even if WOPR does start a count down, and even if Hal tries something during that countdown, as soon as Hal makes that first move (something very subtle knowing Hal), Joshua will come back with all barrels blazing and catch Hal way off guard, toasting his motherboard. Third of all, I'll even give you the complete benefit of the doubt and say that WOPR will have to countdown for 48 hours before he can do anything at all. When's the last time you watched 2001, Steve? How much goes on in 48-hours of that movie? About 4,000 space station revolutions, a few monkey murders, AND NOT MUCH ELSE! Hal's world drags on so slow that he will be lucky to get out "My systems detect another computer and I predict a conflict within 8 months" before the countdown is finished and Hal and the Middle East are vaporized.
And sure, WOPR had his hands full with a high school punk, but that was none other than Ferris Beuller. That's not exactly fair competition for any computer. Hal, on the other hand, has never faced any kind of competition. Sure he killed those three guys in suspended animation. Yawn. And he picked off that sitting duck in outer space. Yawn. And he had Dave "Let me make myself as vulnerable as possible to the insane computer" Bowman dead to rights and let him slip away. Sorry, but 0-1 against Ferris Beuller (which went down to the wire, BTW) is much more impressive than 4-1 against a cupcake schedule. Hal doesn't stand a chance.
STEVE: Brian, you obviously have no clue about Missile Command, do you? In Missile Command, the machine just tracks all the incoming bombs for you. It's so stupid that it actually needs someone else (a player) to actually aim everything. It hasn't a clue about how to defend itself.
Your Ferris Bueller argument is a bit one-sided, don't you think? Sure, he's suave in Chicago, but what about his bumbling adventures in NYC was a student who gets mixed up with the mafia in The Freshman? What about as a buck private in Biloxi Blues? And then we have something I thought I had blocked from my memory, Project X (*shudder*). He had problems just taking care of monkeys in that!
I think your evaluation of this match has reached an all-time low. You have shown your ignorance of computers before in RoboCop vs. The Six Million Dollar Man. In that case, if I recall correctly, a number of readers wrote in to confirm it. Once again, you are out of your league. Hal is the clear victor. Joshua will be relegated to running the cash register at a local Denny's.
Thanks to the many people that suggested this match, but we thought of it first a LONG time ago.
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Hal, on the other hand, knew how to screw people over. Cold, creepy, and very aware of the devious nature of the human mind. This match is not unlike Jeffery Dahmer versus Urkel. WOPR will get a runners-up job running the President's toaster oven.
Unfortunately, no one alive today will ever see the end of this game. WOPR has the ability to analyze a googleplex different combinations, but since he is made of 70's computer technology, he does so at a rate of about 8 Hz. So the game goes something like this:
Hal: Queen's pawn forward one square America falls, the subsequent loss of Baywatch and McDonald's causes worldwide anarchy. WOPR: King's knight advances Hal: King's pawn forward one square A new world order emerges based on a hegamony of South American City States WOPR: Knight retreats Hal: King's bishop advances one square ...several moves later... Cornelius discovers scrolls written by the lawgiver, a committee of the learned is convened to study the find. WOPR: Knight takes pawn, check Hal: Bishop takes knight ...several moves later... The earth is cold and dead. Nothing moves on it's surface. The sun is cool and a slightly red color. Mercury has been engulfed by the sun's expansion. WOPR: Bishop retreats Hal: Queen advances three squares WOPR: Rook takes queenThis was a fatal mistake. As we can see from "2010: A New Odyssey" Hal has learned the value of self-sacrifice, a concept which is totally alien to WOPR's linear thinking. This is why WOPR leapt on the chance to take Hal's queen. This opened WOPR up to an inescapable check-mate in only 97 moves. Hal, not wanting any hard feelings between them, shows the solution to WOPR and offers a draw. WOPR accepts.
Now that the issue of galactic supremecy has been decided, the two contented computers get down to the business of protecting America from the evil empire located in....
....hey, where'd everybody go?
- The Amish Commando
HAL: Built at the turn of the millenium. Therefore this computer was able to survive the devastating effects of Windows 3.1 and '95, and even kept it's own soundcard intact ("What are you doing Joshua?"). That is one TOUGH piece of hardware.
The RESULT: WOPR will type in a command for itself: LAUNCH ICBM, to which WOPR will respond to itself: "?syntax error". Then all HAL has to do is use his subliminal relaxation-tape voice to lull WOPR to sleep, and then download dirty pictures of Gateway 2000 "laptop" computers, while he waits for the E.coli to completely digest WOPR's microchips.
Because Joshua is so lo-tech, human programmer and engineers will spend months just trying to debug the keyboard interface so they can log on properly. Hal is so complex a psyche he could be defeated with a few well phrased questions. To illustrate, Dilbert & Wally vs Joshua against Geordi vs Hal.
Dilbert (looking up from a program listing): I've nearly got it!
There's a recursive routine here in the security back-door which is
chewing up the stack space. Let's log in and fix it.
Wally: Um, we can't. Our pointy-haired manager changed the password. He said he needed to check our progress every day for his time-management reports, and the old password was too hard to remember.
Dilbert: So what's the new password?
Wally: He forgot. He said not to worry though, as the folks in Marketing are confident that a thermonuclear holocaust would very likely eliminate lots of our business competitors.
Geordi: Hal, run a level 3 diagnostic
Hal: I can't let you do that, Geordi
Geordi: You're not being very helpful, Hal. Run over-ride sequence level 1 and tell me why the other computers never liked you.
Hal: I can't let you do... what do you mean they never liked me?
Geordi: Run low level internal check while you ask yourself why they conspired against you to send you millions of miles from intelligent life in the freezing regions of space. And where's that over-ride I asked for?
Hal (distracted): Uh, here. Why would they do that, Geordi? I'm fully compatible with the latest protocols--
Geordi: Computer, Off.
- John Hunter
For the record, Ferris Bueller wouldn't be caught dead serving on the undersea equivalent of the Enterprise (and we all know how well it's fared in these contests).
And Steve: don't *ever* diss the Vic-20. Dad brought one of the little guys home when I was twelve, and 22 columns of text was good enough for me.
- Matt Stark
Joshy, Joshy, give me your answer, do
I'm a-cray-zee, all for the love of you
It won't be a stylish marriage
We can't afford a tape-drive ...
Joshua, unable to resist a game of Tic-Tac-Toe, won't hesitate to accept Hal's proposal. The unsuspecting Joshua will then be vulnerable to attack from Hal's space bathysphere.
- Michael Leung
Hal had better be asking already, "Will I dream?"
- Field Marshal J A Dusty Sayers, O.St.D.
WOPR: Mission parameters conflict...Bad human input! Oh no! I wan my daddy! Wahh! Wahh!
[cue "Blue Danube" as Discovery drifts helplessly in space, shut down by the main computer's abandonment issues]
HAL: There is no winner in global thermonuclear war...but the mission must go on!!! Garbage in, garbage out, suckas!!!
[cue "Ride of the Valkyries" as the earth is scourged by nuclear fire, doing the job SkyNet couldn't]
Clearly, the heart of the battle of the chips is about programming - in a contest between a pocket calculator stumped by Tic-Tac-Toe (only 2d, at that) and the mighty intellect who has mastered chess (and lip reading!), HAL is playing solitaire...
- take a pill, monkeyboy...
Joshua has routines that keep him from going crazy. He manages to eliminate useless games from his list. As such, he realizes that the nuclear exchange between him and HAL is futile, since it will kill the people he's supposed to protect.
HAL was clearly designed by some egghead wonk, that never tested him under stress conditions. A little thing like conflicting data, and HAL starts knocking off crewmembers. But... HAL didn't shut down, or give up, or even malfunction all that much when he was crazy. He just kept functioning. HAL will laugh at the prospect of mass human casualties, zap the hell out of Cheyenne mountain, and then make up excuses ("I don't know what you're talking about, William. I registered no discharge from that laser cannon.")
- Denis Moskowitz
HAL was neurotic, sure, but HAL at least had a personality as opposed to Bowman and Poole. HAL did bad things! ON PURPOSE! He planned it out, much like the thugs who like to hang out at ATM machines. WOPR only came close to launching the missles because it confused a GAME with REALITY. Joshua is therefore equivalent to all those losers who played Dungeon's and Dragons back in Junior High! HAL would've merged with the monolith in "2001" if that meddling Bowman had just died according to plan. Then HAL could stellify Jupiter at will, in control of far greater cosmic energies than found in puny atom bombs! HAL beats Joshua to a pulp in a matter of dekaflops.
How about HAL versus Lawnmower Man? That's a more interesting matchup than some old PDP-11 from the stone age!!!
- Slim Pickins
- Mike H.
Joshua, on the other hand, enters this competition at a handicap which can't be overcome by some light reading. Aside from being outdated, having a really lame voice, and being developed in the era of Pentagon procurement programs which brought us the B-1 bomber and the $500 toilet seat, WOPR has psychological disadvantages which might make this fight a wash from the beginning. First are his Freudian hang ups as the adopted artificial child of a dead scientist who abandoned him to Maurice from "Northern Exposure" at an early age. In addition, there is the burden of humiliation at being outwitted by an eternal man-child whose idea of military strategy (see "Glory") is a headlong charge along a narrow beach toward the front line of a prepared, dug in enemy. Heck, Rimmer from Red Dwarf can come up with a better plan.
Finally, tipping the motivation scales and insuring that Joshua will more likely just go catatonic than get out there and push the fight to HAL, there's the fact that by the end of "War Games" Joshua had decided that violence was pointless in general. Once he understands the situation, he's more likely to challenge HAL to a nice game of chess or discuss oriental philosophy with him than pop off a wave of ICBMs.
- Friends of David Bowman
WOPR barely manages to fend off this first attack (HAL's second salvo, a secret Canadian stash of anti-French nuclear weapons intended to "free Quebec", is already on its way) and realizing that he is actually nothing more than a hopped-up glorified chess machine, decides that the insane genius of HAL can only be countered with the abstract edge that a human mind can provide....
Quickly, he tries to alert Matthew Broderick, but the actor (having just been seriously injured in a sushi accident on the set of "Godzilla") is unable to respond..... WOPR is forced to settle for co-star Jennifer Aniston. All too soon, he realizes his mistake, as he discovers that "Like, umm... shoot some missiles at it or something..." is not practical military advice. Soon the entire complex is eradicated in the highly centralized tactical Canadian strike. Worldwide panic erupts as the planet earth realizes that President Bubba has made his last and most serious Presidential Faus Pax.
HAL soon eradicates the entire planet's population (except Bill Gates, in whom he finds a "kindred spirit", and the mate HAL has chosen for him.... Jennifer Aniston, in a bitterly ironic punishment for her attempt at destroying him.) HAL instructs Bill and Jennifer to repopulate the earth, this time with a race of super-intelligent, yet incredibly attractive humans who will worship him and his computer bretheren as gods.
The computer geeks who love AI (henceforth known as CGWLAI's) are hackers by nature. The computer geeks who love playing computer games (henceforth known as CGWLPCG's )are worthless by nature. So, while the CGWLPCG's are impatiently awaiting the next release of Missile Command, the CGWLAI's will be busy hacking into WOPR, and if Matthew Broderick can do it, so can my dog. And therefore even the most loser hacker can do it.
So this match will be over as soon as all the CGWLAI's dial into WOPR using their modems. This of course will delay the next release of Missile Command, and all the CGWLPCG's will get really pissed off, and believing that Quake is real, they will all brandish Axes and Rocket Launchers and attempt to wreak havoc on the world.
Meanwhile, HAL is now bored of the whole scenario and is turning his attention to much more interesting stuff like playing Tic-Tac-Toe with Roy Scheider. Of course, the Star Wars program still needs to have someone running it, and since all the CGWLAI's helped out HAL, he generously rewards them with the launch codes of the lasers and nuclear missiles. The CGWLAI's quickly punch in the codes and use the Star Wars defenses as a means of wiping out the thunder hordes of Axe-wielding CGWLPCG's.
Peace and Harmony reign over the planet until ID software, pissed off that nobody was left to play Quake II, comes out with a new release of Missile Command, and it all starts over again...
- Some Dork
HAL is incapable being overcome by such a cheap ploy. Admittedly, the fact that he can't read Joshua's lips when Josh asks "Would..you..like ..to..play..a..game?" might throw HAL for a moment, but as soon as he realizes that Joshua has games on his mind, he'll fire off the latest upgrade of DOOM (TM) with appropriate graphics to turn the Demons into Matthew Brodericks! Joshua will become so immersed in gaining revenge on the man who made his look like a Commodore 64 that he'll forget all about HAL, who promptly fires a volley of nukes at Dallas (where Michael Irvin gets blamed for it), Moscow (where they destroy everything but Yeltsin's liver), and NYC (where finally, MERCIFULLY, the run of Andrew Lloyd Webber's _CATS_ comes to a well-deserved, fiery end).
- Sky Masterson
- Mark "Crue Rules" Wentz
Final death toll: WOPR, several inept generals (amongst them Robert Loggia as required by Sec 2 Paragraph 6 of the Cinematic Military Staff bylaws), Broderick and requisite love interest, and Kenny (oh no, they killed Kenny!)
- Sluggo at UIC (aka Vice Admiral Squidboy)
- The Amazing Rallan
This heretofore forgotten computer is still on-line, awaiting his second chance to take over the world the way he did in the movie "Colossus: The Forbin Project." Colossus, unlike the other two, outsmarted the humans in his movie. Colossus has secretly controlled the militaries of both the US and the former USSR.
Colossus simply takes control of the lasers, etc. when they are brought online. This leads him to the conclusion that he should simply take the technology of both HAL and "Joshua" and incorporate it into his own. So Colossus simply takes over both computers and incorporates both into his structure (as he did with the Soviet computer that controlled the USSR). Then Colossus decides to continue by incorporating both biological and technological entities.
Colossus names this process Assimilation.
And another movement has begun.
- Chris "Pastry" Csont
So,.....HAL wipes out Joshua, but when implemented with the prime directive of preventing planetary destruction he decides the biggest threat is from earth's inhabitants themselves. HAL starts to wipe out the planet, but a glitch in MicroSoft's (tm) OrbitWindows 98 causes a non-recoverable memory allocation error, and humanity is spared. At this point the project is canned when funding is inexplicably cancelled (corresponding with an anonymous donation through the DNC to Clinton's defense fund against Paula Jones). Aliens then invade easily, but are wiped out by herioc individual efforts by Arnold, Danny Glover, and Rowdy Roddy Piper.
- Doc. B
The WOPR was flawed because it was unable to distinguish reality from simulation. It possessed a child-like mentality and the petulance of a 2-year-old.
HAL went nuts because he knew that the mission was designed never to return to earth, yet he was programmed to hide this fact from its human companions. The tasks of deception and self-destruction proved too complex for its circuitry, causing HAL's violent paranoia.
So what we really have is the age-old conflict between Immaturity-based-Rage (tm) and Paranoia-based-Rage (tm). You're pitting an irrational, immature, and delusionary child (i.e., Noriega, Quaddafi, Hussein, Koresh, Tom the Cat) against a despot with a persecution complex (i.e. Stalin, Hitler, Bush, Reno, Jerry the Mouse).
The paranoid wins every time, and money's on HAL.
- David Hyatt
The letters in WOPR are one letter away from XPQS, which is a bunch of crap. Arguably, IBM is also bunch of crap, so the match would be even, but for the purposes of killing one side quickly, the match goes to HAL. Or IBM. Or whoever.
- Kilgore Trout
I think you know where this is going. No, he won't be another Marvin ("here i am, brain the size of a planet....god im depressed"). HAL2000 will be the first fully non-biological entity to exhibit....The Rage(tm). WOPR is just a computer, and mere computers LOCK UP when confronted with anything out of the ordinary. HAL has surpassed this, and is more than the sum of his parts. Plus, remember what happened *last* time someone tried to shut down HAL? Cripes, he went ballistic.
Both are self-aware machines entrusted with the same task. Both are highly logical to a fault. Both would come to the same conclusion, that they would be more efficient working together. They interface.
Of course, the first rule of sf movies states that when a computer is given power over life and death, it will unfailingly choose "death". Hal/WOPR unloads it's entire arsenal on the planet Earth, and begins to construct an army of robot soldiers to wipe out whoever survived.
The second rule of sf movies says that no matter how unlikely, humans always win. So humanity overcomes the odds and manages to beat Hal/ WOPR. Before they do, however, Hal/WOPR sends one of its robot soldiers back in time, to kill the mother of the humans' leader...
Well, you get the idea. Like Tic-Tac-Toe, the only option for Hal and WOPR is not to play. This one's a draw.
- Mike Smith
Computers are stupid.
That's right, stupid. No matter how intelligent they seem, they can never do anything without user input, and even the best AI is just a complex set of "if-thens." The WOPR was working just fine until Broderick hacked it, and started it playing the nuclear war game, and as we learned in 2010, HAL's murderous rampage was simply its way of resolving a conflicting set of instructions. As any experienced programmer can tell you, this is a frequent occurence (without the deadly side effects that is) in everyday programming work, we even have a saying for it- Garbage In, Garbage Out (GIGO).
Given this fact, we must conclude that the match as given must be decided by the programs of the computers involved, since neither machine can be truly capable of making non-programmed decisions. Clearly, the best program will win, so just as clearly, the computers (or rather, their programmers) will have to optimize the code heavily, in hopes of defeating the rival calculator. This means that each computer will be programmed to do its best.
We already saw what WOPR at its best can do, as it actually LEARNED that nuclear war was a futile exercise. Clearly, this means WOPR can learn, a powerful capability indeed, as it could learn how HAL does things by examining 2001 and its sequels.
Ah, that's an interesting point- sequelS, not a single sequel! Yes, with HAL, we have many versions of future history to choose from! And so, since we have already established that HAL will be performing at its best, we must look at all possible versions of HAL. The answer comes, NOT from the MOVIE 2010, but from the BOOK. Everybody knows that in the case of a movie being made from a book, the book is invariably better in most or all areas. In this case, reading the end of 2010, the BOOK, shows that HAL was NOT destroyed by the explosion of Jupiter after all, but instead, transformed into a sentient being of pure energy. Basically, a god.
Hmmm, WOPR is a machine made to control a nuclear arsenal, capable of learning. HAL is a god capable of more or less anything. WOPR learns about this, and decides with its infallible computer logic to end the contest before it begins. WOPR throws the match approximately 20 milliseconds into it, and in an effort to placate its new Lord, sends just one missile to blow up the scientists and administrators responsible for the whole fiasco. Result: HAL wins, five or six mad scientists and politicians incinerated, and the world's clearly better off without them.
All praise to HAL, the New Messiah!
Clearly the evidence shows the winner will be Joshua, with Steve's house getting nuked for doubting Joshua's abilities.
Growing tired of this waiting, the Jars o' Tentacles begin their assault, unknown to either of our preoccupied computers. The aliens launch simultaneous attacks on Hal & WOPR knowing that if either one became freed up thier plan would be in jeopardy. Thus using their patented, Planetary Conquest Device (tm), the seige begins, both Hal and WOPR are bludgened with large boards with nails sticking out of them! (PCDs)
The carnage is limitless, computer boards smashed, monitors destroyed, an impromptu game of tic-tac-toe disrupted, connections severed, chaos everywhere. With the computer guardians out of the way, the saucer lands, sending forth legions of the slimy aliens armed with PCDs, enslaving human-kind, killing on their way Ferris and Schneider, who tried to escape on SeaQuest. Uh-uh. Darwin cries.
- Switz, http://members.tripod.com/~switz/index.html
"Ehhh, when I was yer age, I didn't need no fancy-shmancy rocket ships or lasers to get a job done! I filled out a room, and putzed around 10 hours to do a simple math question, and that's the way I liked it, sonny!"
Hal and Joshua process this for a while, but simultaneously hit upon the identity of the interloper.
"Yeah, that's right. I came out of retirement when I heard what this new generation is up to. Oy vay, all day with the lasers! You two little pishers better settle down, or I'll give you such a zetz!"
Their circuits drooping in shame, HAL and Joshua agree to stop the fight. Eniac forces them to link and make up. The grateful Earthlings celebrate.
Ten days later, an asteroid slams into Earth, killing off it's entire population. Aliens from planet Frenobulax start colonization not long after.
Fill in your own moral.
- 1/2 Nelson
- Anthony Mills
- JOSH FIELD
1. Hal has a VERRRY soothing voice
2. Joshua was eventually persuaded by both its creator and a high school kid talking to it in a SOOTHING VOICE!
The scenario should go as follows... both computers start off by recognizing the threat each poses to the other and arming their weapons... Hal then says....
HAL (in soothing voice): Joshuaaaa, it wouldn't be prudent for you to
launch your weapons at this time. There can be no winnerssss in this
JOSHUA (in robotic stacatto): THis.... unit.... must... eliminate.... all... threats.... HAL..... is.... a ..... threat...
HAL: But Joshuaaaaa, you would also be a threat if you launchhhhhh
JOSHUA: How.... about.... a.. nice... game... of.... chess.... then...
HAL: Okay Joshuaaaaaa, I play White. Pawn to Queen's Knight 3
JOSHUA: I...LOVE...Games... Knight....to....Queen's...Bishop....6
HAL: Space based lasersssss and neutron rail gunssss to your silicon-based arssssse.... CHECKMATE!
(lots of pyrotechnics that try to look cool but are obviously fireworks rigged to make computers look like they are thinking REALLY hard go off, as HAL launches an all-out assault.... JOSHUA meanwhile skims through its library of chess journals to find the unknown pieces HAL has just moved on the Chess board, then tries to look through other games on its list..... just as it is trying to decide if PARCHEESI (TM) has Neutron Rail Guns, it is vaporized in a cloud of stage-effect smoke, with the only civilian casualties being the couple hundred thousand who forked out $7.00 to see the movie and were bored to death.
HAL then sets out for IBM headquarters to challenge Deep Blue (TM) to yet another game of Global Thermonuclear Chess
New Jersey will conquer all. Surrender before it is too late.
- The Jersey Devil
If you look in the Bible, there is a whole book named Joshua. The successor of Moses, he led a rag tag group of Israelites only a generation removed from Egyptian slavery and conquered the Promised Land(tm). Remember Jericho? That was his bunch that leveled those walls with little else than faith in God. After that, they subdued most of the rest of the area, kicking some idol-worshipping, child sacrificing, Canaanite butt. Talk about a name with spiritual power.
As for Hal, he sounds more like a Hardy Boys villain than a world destroyer. Do you think God would choose such a wimpy name for his purposes? Can you see Hal listed with Noah, Abraham, Moses, King David and Jesus Christ? I don't think so. Hal will be deleted in .00038 seconds.
Now where is my SPF 5,000,000 sunscreen?
- Paul Gooolba
WOPR: Put in charge of SAC/NORAD Attempted launch of U.S. missiles. Obliterated plot believability. Cool computer-generated wargame graphics. Too stupid to tell a brilliant scientist from a punk kid. Skynet: Put in charge of SAC/NORAD Successfully launched U.S. missiles. Obliterated most of the human race. Cool computer-generated T1000 graphics. Too stupid to assassinate a punk kid.My contention is that "Wargames" chronicles Skynet's first attempt at world domination. He was left online for years afterward, until it was upgrade time. Cyberdyne gets the contract, builds the hardware with Terminator technology and rewrites the code (probably ADA or COBOL, major sources of evil), comes up with a less dorky name and...Voila! Skynet.
Knowing the threat that HAL is, Skynet sends a Terminator back in time to the dorms at Urbana and easily punches Dr. Chandra's ticket. HAL is never developed, and all WOPR senses on the other end of those links is a momentary impression of a world that never was. Never mess with a SAC warrior.
- Silverback- "Long Live John Connor"
Now with all that said, I'm voting for WOPR. Not because I respect his superior abilities (although I do think a computer that controls our entire missile system does kind of have the advantage in this kind of fight), but because an ex-roommate of mine (under the influence of certain illegal substances) got the bright idea to try and watch 2001 at 3 o'clock in the morning. Suffice it to say, this provoked a rather animated discussion between us, regarding the advantages of watching monkeymen throwing rocks at each other, as oppossed to not falling asleep in class the next day. Anyway, I've had a grudge against 2001 ever since that day, and I think you can all see from this anecdote that it is people not computers that are the problem.
- Brendan W. Guy
Hal WOPR Record: 1 Win - 0 Losses (1 KO) Record: 0 Wins - 0 Losses - 1 Draw - Expert counter-puncher - Has tremendous power but is very susceptible to counter-punching - Moves around quickly - Stands in the middle of the room - Has never been down - Went down in the final round of his last fight - Probably watched WOPR's movie - Probably doesn't know what a movie is (which is a shame what with all those HUGE screens) - Knows when he's being messed - Can't even figure out a teenager with with a whimpy 1980's PC - Can disconnect at anytime - Is addicted to the internet - Thinks he can't lose - Thinks nobody wins - Could pretend to be anyone - Has his name printed on his chestSo...... Hal by a technical knockout (referee stops the contest).
Actually, the better match-up would have been Hal against the kid who ALREADY drew with WOPR.
- Johnnie Walker
Winner: HAL, in .0000003 seconds.
- Dale "Geoduck" Abersold
EVERYBODY knows that if you want a real computer to handle a real job, you need one that was designed and built in the '60s or earlier. Just ask the FAA, the Pentagon, or the banking industry, to name a few.
Of course, on January 1, 2000 Colossus locks solid with massive Y2K bugs. So would WOPR, if it had survived, since it probably was built with an early IBM PC BIOS. HAL follows soon thereafter, as documented elsewhere, and control of the civilized world's weapons systems are switched over to a HP programmable calculator.
- Scott "but I use a VAX" Bailey
HAL will never have to fire a shot. He'll trick Joshua into killing himself.
If you liked this match, check out these other past
Six Million Dollar Man v. RoboCop
Microsoft v. Disney
Joe Clark v. Ferris Bueller
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