The Setting

In his jade green unmarked Chevy Nova, he pulls into an alley. The man who killed his partner is here somewhere, it's just a matter of finding him. He comes to the first door and kicks it in. A woman and her child scream in fear. He's not there. He moves on to the next door, and the next, searching homes with his typical disrespect for warrants and other useless forms of bureaucracy.

Finally, after busting in the last door of the alley, he begins to hear the groove of a funky 70's beat, which steadily grows louder. Suddenly, at the far end of the alley, a dark shape bursts through a window onto the pavement. Harry turns to see a large man clad in a leather trenchcoat, wielding a shotgun, sweating pure coolness. John Shaft, protector of the innocent, steps in to protect his neighborhood from the tyranny of The Man(tm).

So Brian, who will win this neighborhood shootout? Who will "out-cool" the other?

Dirty Harry

vs.

Shaft

The Commentary

So, finally, the moment arises. About 90 minutes into the film, there's Shaft, armed and ready, on one side of the door, with Mr. Big's baddies and the kidnapped girl on the other side of the door. Well, Shaft busts through that door, guns ablazin', and promptly gets shot. Real impressive, Mr. Shaft. I've seen card houses that didn't go down so easily. The only reason he wasn't killed was so that he could take a message back to the Hood (tm). Face it, Steve, despite the hype, Shaft's a wuss.

Now, contrast that with Dirty Harry. The first time I watched a Dirty Harry movie, he killed 20 people in the first 5 minutes and half of those were either nuns or cops. He's got the sneer, he's got the one-liners, and he's got the most dangerous handgun in the world, able to blow a man's head cleeean off. Shaft shoots himself in the foot right before Harry blasts him into next week.

STEVE: Your mocking of Shaft's coolness only shows your ignorance of the matter. What do you know of cool? Especially 70's style cool, which Shaft defines. Back in the 70's espresso with lemon peel was the thing to do. And with his own personal theme music, he just goes off the scale.

Shaft's supremacy is clearly dictated by the lyrics of his theme song. What can we learn from it? First, he won't cop out when there's danger all about. Dirty Harry equals danger, so we can assume that Shaft will muster all his strength for this fight. Second, no one can understand him but his woman. Therefore, Dirty Harry can't understand him. He'll be too unpredictable, and will catch Harry off guard, leading to an early demise for Mr. Callahan. Finally, the most astonishing fact we can glean from the theme song is that Shaft appears to be some sort of man/cat mutant ("Who is the man...", "Who is the cat..."). What kind of mystical powers does this give him? Obviously, some sort of super-human agility and quickness would be standard for this type of mutation. This of course means instant death for Dirty Harry.

BRIAN: What, so now Shaft is really Nastassja Kinski? Can we really take the Shaft lyrics that seriously, Steve? If we took all lyrics that literally, then the three Brady girls would actually be "very lovely". Clearly, there is a stark contrast between reality and theme music.

But I can see why you make such a big issue of this. There's really nothing else to work with. Shaft has nothing, except maybe some nice trenchcoats. Dirty Harry has "I know what you're thinking... Did I fire six shots or only five?" While I might acknowledge that Shaft has a slight positive by having his own theme music, Dirty Harry has "Go ahead, make my day." And while you claim Shaft to be cool, only someone truly cool, such as Dirty Harry, could come up with the classic line "Opinions are like assholes: everybody has one." Whether we're talking about firepower, ability, or coolness, Shaft is outclassed across the board.

And besides, have you ever seen I'm Gonna Get You Sucka? Shaft and other blaxploitation heros are openly mocked in this film, yet the Wayans brothers continue to thrive and prosper. Why has no one ever made a Dirty Harry spoof? Because everyone knows what would happen to them if they did. Shaft's a washed up joke; Harry's still gotz the respect, even in the what-have-you-done-for-me-lately world of Hollywood (tm). Shaft loses count of the bullets, thinks he feels lucky, and ends up drinking espresso with Scorpio.

You don't assign him to Grudge Matches, Steve. You just turn him loose.

STEVE: Dirty Harry is not as flawless as you think he is. There are quite a few bricks missing in his wall of cool. For example, there are his women problems. Several women have come on to him over the years, but A) He's blind to it, B) They get killed, or C) He's too screwed up in the head and has to go get drunk, head out to the strip club, and find a prostitute instead, a la Sudden Impact. And Shaft? No problems in that department! Shaft's coolness easily covers all of the women bases. Maybe that won't help him in a shoot-out, but if he loses, he'll at least die a happy man.

And finally, yes I have seen I'm Gonna Get You Sucka'. Sure it mocks them, but that only proves that they were good movies at the time. Have you ever seen a bad movie that was mocked? I don't recall ever seeing spoofs made of the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers Movie, Operation Dumbo Drop, or In the Army Now. Spoofs only get made from good movies. Examples include Star Wars, Top Gun, and The Silence of the Lambs. This goes to show you that maybe you don't know what a good movie is. The Box Office has spoken.

Thanks to Greg Ruhl of Georgia Tech for suggesting this match-up
after being inspired by TNT's (tm) Super 70's Week (tm).

The Results

Dirty Harry (1149)

blows away

Shaft (643)

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Voter Comments

RESPONSE OF THE WEEK (ROTW) (TM)

When I heard your site was featuring me in a fight, I couldn't pass up the chance to input my very deep thoughts on the matter. Normally you wouldn't think I had enough time to write to you (my being a HUGE star and all), but since my pitiful and shameless mockery of a blaxploitaion film, Original Gangstas, and my three-episode wonder hit UPN show Cop Story both miserably failed, I felt I would take the time out of my day of reading scripts, signing autographs, and getting Issac Hayes to stop calling me when I'm in the sauna to write. I voted for Dirty Harry for several reasons:

1. I used to be called "tha Cat that won't cop out, when there's danger all about(tm)", but since my hemmorhoid treatment in the mid 80's (after Shaft in Africa), I've been finding danger less and less, and when I'm running in the park, chasing hubcap-stealing hooligans, I can't get them back anymore. Do you know how hard it is to find Hubcaps for a '87 Olsmobile Delta 88?? Do you??

2. You'll notice that in "Shaft in Africa", when I was on the plane bound for Africa on a "secret mission", the criminals boarded before I did!! this being due to my HUGE STAR QUALITY(tm), I get recognized everywhere I go!! In a fight, I would be swarmed by love kittens, and, incapacitated by the throng, would be an easy target for Harry to take out.

3. It use to be, 
           nameless cop: "Hey, where the hell you goin' Shaft?" 
           me: "to get laid!! Ha ha ha ha!!"
   Now it's
           nameless cop: "Hey get the hell off the street ya vagrant!"
           me(with alzheimer's): "To get laid!! Ha ha ha ha!!"

5. "One bad motha-"
   "shut yo mouth"
   ----------------
   "One bald motha-"
   "keep a-talkin'"

- Rick "Badmotha" R.

ROTW (tm) Silver Medal Winner (tm)

- Jason

ROTW (tm) Bronze Medal Winner (tm)

Shaft was already pretty old (as far as action heros go) in the 70's, and it's 20 years+ later, so he'll be ancient now, but then again Harry ain't no spring chicken either.

So they face off against each other, guns coming up at the ready, but unfortunately, Shaft forgot to take his Metamucil (tm) this morning, so he's feeling a little bloated and in need of relief and his arthritis is acting up again. Lucky for him however, Harry forgot his Depends (tm) at home.

So Harry opens up the firing with a blast from his hand-cannon, blowing a fist-sized chunk out of the wall next to Shaft's ear, and Shaft retaliates with a shotgun round to the garbage can next to Harry. Both dive for cover, Harry behind a dumpster, Shaft behind a conveniently-placed-car (tm). Unfortunately, Harry falls badly and breaks his hip, a common failing in the youth-challenged. Of course, since he's Dirty Harry, a broken hip is a minor injury and he merely props himself up on the edge of the dumpster so he can still fire.

Meanwhile, Shaft has thrown the car in neutral and is pushing it forward so that he can get a better shot at Harry but remains behind cover. Harry hasn't lapsed into a completely senile old fart just yet however, and he hasn't been waiting idly. He has already moved to a new location without Shaft seeing him, and (despite the hip) climbed a ladder to a fire escape. And so, as Shaft rolls the car forward and jumps out with his shotgun blazing, he finds not Harry, but another garbage can waiting to take the brunt of his attack. However, Harry's heavy wheezing from his years of cigarette smoking betray his position, and Shaft has time to get behind the cover of the bulletproof-car-door (tm) (God I love Hollywood!) and miraculously avoid Harry's deadly hail of fire.

Unfortunately for Harry, this rain of bullets has cost him, for he is now out of ammo, and he has to high-tail it out of there, and convince Shaft to chase him to his secret weapon.

And so a wonderful chase scene takes place, with Harry somehow staying a step ahead of Shaft despite the broken hip, until it all culminates in The Final Battle (tm) taking place in a McDonalds. There our two heroes engage in a wonderful hand-to-hand battle such as only Hollywood movie stars can possibly survive (Shaft had to drop his shotgun when his arthritis became too painful) involving chairs, tables, garbage cans, and anything else that can possibly be picked up and swung at an opponent. The fight even moves to the kitchen, and this is Shaft's downfall. While pummeling Harry with a three-day-old Big Mac (tm) he inadvertently moves too close to the microwave while it is in operation, and his pace-maker goes into fits, until it bursts through his chest in a spray of gore!

Unfortunately, Harry doesn't get a chance to savor his victory, for he accidentally spills Hot Coffee (tm) on himself and the pain sends him into catatonic shock, and he never comes out of the coma...

- Fistandantilus of Montreal

- Shaft...sounds like a soap opera star

We got a disturbingly large number of responses like this. Clearly, knowledge of Shaft is lacking in Generation Next (tm). Please, for the good of our nation, educate yourselves -Eds.

- Jeffroy

- Paul Golba

- Brendan W. Guy

- jeff

After both contestants realize that guns are about as much use in this as when fighting Superman due to the mystical healing abilities of each character, they square off. Eastwood, oh-so-deadly with his pistol whips to the cranium, is held at bay and gets a rib cracked by the Shaft In Africa (TM) cane-fighting technique. Nevertheless, he perseveres, and after distracting the black private dick by pointing out a rack of reduced-price turtlenecks at a nearby store, Callahan is able to wrestle Shaft to the pavement, where he squares up to give the Death Blow...

All of a sudden, more funky '70s theme music is heard. Harry and Shaft look up to see, emerging from the back of a limo with six women highly trained in kung-fu, is the one and only, straight outta prison and career obscurity...Dolemite. And he's pissed-- no representative of The Man's police force is gonna brutalize a Defender of the People. Dolemite, using his Human Tornado ninja skills, easily shakes off Gene Hackman and Charlie Sheen's attempts to restrain him and delivers a devastating kick to the Solar Plexus (TM) that sends Callahan back to HQ to find co-stars that aren't so light in the ass. Shaft wins and goes off to host America's Funniest Felonies. Dolemite vanishes in a cloud of dust, headed for a house...on a hill...in Pasadena.

- Derrick

Both men are huge, iconic badasses. Both are "a sex machine to all the chicks" (Harry and Shaft are constantly getting laid in their movies). Both men carry big guns. Both were followed by a successful franchise of sequels, as well as a number of good imitations. Harry has catch phrases ("Feel lucky, punk?" and "A man's got to know his limitations." spring to mind), and Shaft has his theme song (although some would contend that the theme song from "Shaft's Big Score" is an improvement on the original, with the line "Shaft! The man's trouble...he's been to my house!"). It's a toss up. Harry and Shaft double team on Mr. Big, who is played this time around by Albert Popwell, and kick his pimpin' ass.

- "Talkin' bout" Matt Lynch

Shaft walks into the alley, followed by his background singers.

Harry: Are you the black private dick that's a sex machine to all the chicks?

Shaft: Right on. (slowly bringing the barrel of his shotgun to bear with Harry's knees.

Singers: Shaft!

Harry is distracted for a moment and looks at the singers, wondering if it would be a good career move to have his own singers. Suddenly *BANG* Shaft blows out Harry's knees.

Harry: (in pain) You're a real mean mutha!

Singers: Shut yo mouth!

Harry: But I'm talking about Shaft!

Singers: I can dig it.

Shaft looks in confusion at his singers, wondering exactly what they meant by that. Harry takes advantage of the situation and blows out Shaft's knees. Both of the combatants lie on the ground, writhing in pain when the singers realize an opportunity for escape from Shaft's employ. Stealing the firearms of both men, they trample them to death and toss the bodies into hefty bags(tm).

Singer 1: We need to bury them somewhere.

Singer 2: Dig a hole!

Singer 3: I can dig it!

- P.B.

But if I had a gun to my head (what are the odds of THAT with Dirty Harry and Shaft together?), I would simply have to say that Shaft wins for one reason: Charlie Sheen. The fact that Clint Eastwood appeared in a movie with Charlie immediately damages his coolness. Shaft wins by a lemon peel.

- The Anti-sheen.

- Scott G.

1. The clothes. Much to my dismay and horror, 70's clothes are coming back into style. And this being on the cutting-edge(TM) of fashion will help him in the Coolness(TM) factor.

2. His fighting tactics, as pointed out by Steve, seem to be mostly Mr.T(TM) style punch-and-duck cat-like, whereas, "Dirty" Harry(TM) uses guns, which will make him unpopular with the anti-NRA groups.

3. He's a brother(TM), which auto-matically makes him Cooler(TM).

And if he starts jumping...

- MonkeyDog!

Here is where we separate the wheat from the chaff. Because, you see, Harry pulls that stunt on two-bit thugs all the time...but Shaft is no two-bit thug. He's a complicated man (or man-cat creature), and most assuredly can count to six. Even in all the excitement, John Shaft can stay cool and collected under fire and not lose track, for he is a smooth mutha. Harry will tell him he knows what he's thinking, and Shaft will promptly show why actions speak louder than The Man's words.

- Jim Smith

What has John Shaft done lately? Well, his theme song made it onto the "Instrumental Magic" collection (two cassettes, 8-tracks, or compact disks, just $19.95 plus shipping and handling, sorry no C.O.D.'s, call now to order!).

So, if you think Shaft is one bad mother--"Shut yo' mouth!"

- Telecommuting...can you tell?

Besides, you should always bet on the black guy. What did you guys learn in school, anyway?

- Dale "Geoduck" Abersold

Dirty Harry will be overwhelmed; he has never faced a criminal who has one half of the panache or the elan of Shaft. I can see a hundred million people writing in now and jabbering on about Dirty Harry's Rage(TM) at the death of his partner, but in this case, Shaft's cool will easily overcome Harry's blind misguided Rage.

- Paco Picopiedra

- The Bunyip

Here's how the fight runs:

"I've killed just about everything that walks or crawls at one time or another, and now I'm here to kill you Shaft, on account of what happened to my partner."

With that Munny, draws on Shaft and a ferocious gun-battle ensues, in which several thugs lose their lives. Finally, Munny shoots Shaft in the stomach. As Munny reloads, he grabs Shaft's Shotgun. The nosy reporter in the alley quickly runs away, as Munny stands over Shaft. Shaft gasps out how he doesn't deserve to die. "Deserve's got nothing to do with it," and with that Harry finishes off Shaft and rides off into the rain. A few yokels (this is near Berekely) watch as he disapears, but none dare to challenge him.

- The Schofield Kid

- Joseph I. Valenzuela

- Yak

- Lorna Reid, Ottawa, Canada

Shaft = Action + Badass Talk
Dirty Harry = Action
Badass Talk = Hesitation
Hesitation = Opportunity to get shot

With Dirty Harry in the equation, this simplifies to the following:

Dirty Harry = Shaft + a bullet in the head

Simply put, Dirty Harry wins this one.

- Matt Geis

- Shannon T.

- Call me Shane

- Mark M

- John

- Dave 1/2 Nelson

- Crazy Matt--Mad, Bad, and Dangerous to Know