World Wide Web Fights presents

WWWF Logo by Dan Willis

The Setting

In the pre-dawn hours over the outskirts of Las Vegas, the crews are busily preparing their vehicles and making last minute changes for the start of the 1st Annual WWWF Road Rally (tm). There is a tangible tension in the air as the opponents size each other up and plan strategy for the upcoming 1000-mile Las Vegas to San Lucas endurance ordeal. The course begins on flat desert highways from Vegas to Tijuana. From Tijuana it continues south through Mexico to the southern tip of the Baja along Mexico's treacherous "roads" until it finishes in the city of San Lucas.

There are only two entries expected to provide any competition in this year's race. The first is solo driver Michael Knight at the wheel of the Knight Industries 2000 "KITT". The other entry is driver Dean Jones and his mechanic "Tennessee" (who looks surprisingly like Buddy Hackett) who will be driving a modified Volkswagen Beetle, #53 "Herbie". It is rumored that there may be several late entries to the race, including Goliath, CARR, and Mr. Thorndyke. Unfortunately several perrenial favorites such as the Duke Boys, Starsky & Hutch, and The Bandit were unable to attend this year's race due to factors beyond their control.

The race is about to begin! So Brian, which of the favorites is going to be the first to arrive in San Lucas?

KITT, Knight Rider Herbie, The Love Bug




The Commentary

BRIAN: Is it just me, or is the outcome of this race about as obvious as the ending of a Scooby-Doo episode with Sideshow Bob as the villian (...those meddling kids...)? First and foremost, KITT has microjam (tm), a device so great that it has been suggested that it could better even the mighty Death Star. That in and of itself is enough, but since I get paid by the word I will continue. KITT also has turbo boosters, an indestructable body casing, mind-boggling speed & handling, anti-lock brakes, optional sunroof or moonroof, and the cool, calculating voice (and, thus, the cool, calculating mind) of a now obscure TV doctor.

And what does Herbie have? Cheesy-movie mystique? The "can't lose" magic possessed only by those entities that have appeared on the Wonderful World of Disney? Well, that's shows been cancelled and the magic is dead. Or are you forgetting that all of the kids from Escape From Witch Mountain are currently on drug rehab with the cast of Different Strokes? And what kind of motivation does Herbie have? None! He's too easily distracted to attempt to provide laughs for the unseen audience. Herbie, if not drunk off of Buddy's Irish Coffee, will be chasing Babes from Baywatch (tm) (gee, where'd they come from?), gambling in Monte Carlo, in the middle of a pie fight with Tony Curtis and Jack Lemmon (now THAT'S obscure), or just plain Goin' Bananas (tm)! KITT in 7 hours.

STEVE: Brian, your arguments are short-sighted as usual. First of all, let's look at this Microjam (tm). You, I, and anyone with an IQ of over 60 knows that Microjam (tm) is as realistic as Ross Perot getting elected. It's really a non-factor. And all KITT's bells and whistles may work fine in the states, but when he hits those Mexican roads, you better believe that Trans-Am suspension is going to limit KITT to about 10 mph.

Now Herbie has all kinds of things going for him. First, he has race experience -- both foreign and domestic. He's tasted victory, and likes it. KITT won't even know what a race is. Second, Herbie is FAST. On the racetrack, Herbie zoomed by all manner of race cars with ease; KITT should be no exception. Third, Herbie has an onboard mechanic. IF something happens, it can be fixed instantly, if not sooner. Alas, poor Michael won't have his Knight Industries trailer around to help him out when he wrecks KITT (he does this about once a season).

Another factor is Mexico. Do you really think a Black Trans-Am is going to make it through Mexico? KITT won't make it past Tijuana before he has no tires, trim, or engine thanks to our Mexican friends. Forecast: An early lead for KITT, but he won't be finishing. Herbie in 7 hours.

BRIAN: Speaking of Ross Perot, that's exactly who you sound like, Steve. Whenever faced with a question he needs to avoid answering: "Y'know, Larry, I won't even justify that with a response. The American people don't care about that stuff." It's a dodge. Just like your "everyone knows" Microjam is unrealistic. You dismiss Microjam without justification because you don't understand Microjam. And because you fear Microjam. And because Microjam haunts you, my friend. Wherever you go. Kiev. Buenos Aires. Budapest. Do-be-do-be-doo...

And to suggest Buddy Hackett could fix Herbie "instantly if not sooner" is ignorant and foolish. IF Buddy's sober (a pretty big "if"), it still takes him forever to fix anything. How much of those Herbie movies were filmed in that garage of his? A lot! Why?! 'Cause he's drunk and slow that's why! Michael, KITT, and their superior suspension system will cruise over the Mexican off-road at 70+ mph. Definitely fast enough after the lead they get from that 250 mph burn they lay down on the US highways.

And the citizens won't be a factor here. Yeah, crime might be a problem if: 1.) KITT couldn't just drive off himself; and 2.) they ever bothered to slow down. But they won't even slow below 50 going through Tijuana. This ain't Clark W. Griswold cruising through East St. Louis! With BayWatch (tm), what would Michael need with cheap booze and women?! With KITT's advanced tracking system and great mileage, why would they stop for directions or gas? Again, your arguments are meant only to distract our readers, not to discuss the true subject at hand. KITT is parking in San Lucas just as Herbie is rescuing himself from some comical situation in the lion pavillion at the San Diego Zoo.

STEVE: First of all, Buddy was quite a mechanic in The Love Bug. He welded Herbie's frame while sitting in the back seat in the middle of a race! What skill! Second: I don't fear what doesn't exist. Microjam be damned! Third: never, ever, underestimate what the Mexicans can do.

And now the coup de grace which will seal Herbie's victory. He doesn't have to obey the laws of physics! There's just no getting around that. He can race with himself split in two across the middle, yet neither side falls to the ground (and STILL win the race). He can race around in mine shafts, making hairpin right-angle turns in the dark at 70mph, and even go up elevator shafts. KITT is always hampered by physics: Herbie doesn't need a wimpy airfoil, KITT does. Herbie doesn't need "Turbo Boost" to go fast, KITT does. Herbie doesn't need sensors and computers, KITT does. The list goes on and on. The end result: Disney magic wins over cheesy effects and bad acting any day!

The Results

KITT (720)


Herbie (562)

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Voter Comments


Starting in Vegas, KITT becomes confused seeing Michael Knight and Mac Davis (now appearing at the MGM) side by side. He can't tell which is which until Davis begins singing. A quick slice with the laser silences Mac, and KITT and Michael finally get out of Dodge, barely ahead of the angry mob of middle-aged women.

Meanwhile, Herbie gets sidetracked in Tijuana, looking for a little piece of cheap tailpipe. Drunk on STP and flat broke (but smiling), Herbie staggers back onto the highway, wearing his girlfriend's paint job. He passes out on the shoulder.

KITT's driver, being a Knight, has to take one step sideways for every two forward moves. KITT is totally loopy by the time he crosses the Mexican border. With blurred vision, he sees a cute-looking number (53) parked on the side of the road. KITT prematurely ejects Michael and settles down for a little tete-a-tete with his new-found love.

The next morning, both autos wake up to discover the after-effects from the night before - little paint blisters all over their chassis. That's right, #53 got it from his girl and KITT from #53: it's herpes, the love bug! Halfway down the Baja, neither contender can spin another tire. A wrecker is called in to get the cars to the finish. KITT, having lost functionality in both axles, is placed on the flatbed and Herbie, having lost only one axle, is towed.

KITT by a length.

- Jeffery Fiducia

ROTW(TM) Silver Medal Winner (tm)

Herbie will win because in a long distance drive thru Mexico, any car will take some damage. And when the cars break down and need parts which is going to be easier to find? Microjam computer chips or a Volkswagon motor? Plus those Mexican federales will take one look at Kitt and Michael will end up eating cockroaches in some prison cell on trumped up charges while they confiscate KITT as drug war booty and drive it around drunk shooting into the air until the suspension gives or the tank runs dry.

- J Patrick Hester

ROTW(TM) Bronze Medal Winner (tm)

Was there ever any doubt? Saying that KITT would win would be like watching Cybill on a Sunday night at 8:00 instead of the Simpsons: It certifies you insane.

The 80s just keep coming back to haunt us don't they, and I'll bet that Michael Knight will be thinking just that when that stylish black finish starts baking in the Mexican sol. The car will keep getting hotter and hotter as the day goes by (hotter than Pamela Anderson!) until KITT finally admits to Michael that his speedy 2 mHz 6502 is melting, two bolts just expanded and popped out, and that the engine casing just burst. And let's face it, even if his car wouldn't turn into a slag heap, Michael Knight without KITT is like the Jackson 5 without Germaine: they're still cute, but the talent is gone. And of course, all during this time the light, Disney-colors that Herbie is painted in are reflecting the sun, giving Herbie a blinding glow that will distract the other racers, keep the car cool, and make Mexican peasants that it passes think that they have just seen a UFO, Jesus, or both.

And finally, there is the all essential Hero worship factor. Imagine you are a lonely Mexican peasant woman. You've slaved all your life in your small town, your only reason for living the Sunday reruns of David Hasselhoff shows on TV. You've yearned for him. You've dreamt of him. Then David Hasselhoff suddenly comes by, shirt-off hairy chested and all (for it is quite hot, as mentioned above), driving a car only the top drug dealers own in Mexico. Would you let him get out of that town without making him your prisoner, ala Kathy Bates in Misery? (and let's face it, wouldn't we all like to have seen David Hasselhoff in Misery, just to see him suffer?) Course, no one loves the driver of Herbie. What was the last #1 hit Herbie's driver had in Liberia? Is Herbie's driver bigger than Jesus, like David Hasselhoff is? I think not.

The moral of this story is: Don't mess with Disney.

- Joshua Galun

I voted for Herbie, but I wish to clear up a misunderstanding about KITT.

In your pre-race rundown you stated that KITT had never been in a race. This is incorrect, KITT participated in an "alternative fuels" race, which, if memory serves was conducted largely off-road. Needless to say, KITT won. The only reason I can remember this is that the bad guys were a couple of cable company executive who felt that a little vehicular homicide by proxy would really perk up their ratings. It is sad to think that television executives actually thought that this would make people associate pay TV with evil. Then again, the show WAS about a talking car, so maybe it wasn't that far-fetched.

This is what will happen, KITT will set off to a huge lead, perhaps with accompanying Sinister Chuckling(tm) by Mr. Hasselhof. Eventually KITT will encouter Stubborn Mules(tm), Colorful Locals(tm), Attractive Women(tm), or some such other Convienient Plot Device(tm). This will delay our duo just long enough for Herbie to cross the finish line first. No doubt balanced on his only two remaining wheels with a plastered Buddy Hackett leaning out of one window to provide balast, all the while yelling WOOAAHHH!!

Be afraid. Be VERY afraid.

- Charles

A Beetle (I had a '73 in excellent condition) has/such slow acceleration (0-60 in about 2 hours) that KITT would have such an insurrmountable lead before Herbie could even get to San Diego; Herbie has no chance. Get your facts straight, Steve; watch some Knight Rider reruns to help get them rights. KITT in 6.5.

- Brian Bauer

One factor that must not be forgotten...which of the two drivers is a better singer? David Hasselhoff? Don't make me laugh. He's popular in Germany, the country in which Kraftwerk is considered music. In which Nena is a national icon. In which Alf still enjoys unalloyed popularity.

Dean Jones, on the other hand, appeared in Stephen Sondheim's "Company," bringing to the world such classic songs as "Side by Side by Side," and "Being Alive."

Besides, while KITT is a fallible piece of Modern Technology [tm], Herbie is controlled by Mystical Forces [tm]. Mystical Forces can bring down the artifices of modern man with little problem. Ergo, Herbie wins.

- Dale Abersold, Utah State University

I can tell you that microjam (tm) is real. every time my neighbor starts up his camero, my windows 95 system crashes.

but in the final analysis, it all comes down to the babe factor (tm). now michael knight is a proud owner of a tricked out, custom camero. he's a guy with a mysterious past who works as a life guard, a private eye, and a crusader for justice. he has seen more silicon than bill gates and is, by now, totally immune. he has absolutely no more interest in women, much the same way smokers get sick of cigarettes if forced to smoke one per minute for sixty days. on the other hand, herbie's drivers own a vw bug rust bucket and are usually drunk (what else have they got to live for). a woman wouldn't look down at them to spit in their face if they were dying of thirst in the desert. all old mike has to do is call out the babewatch starlets and herbie won't move from the starting line. by the time buddy gets his tongue back in his mouth, michael knight will be sucking down a fifth of tequila and cruising for injustice to right and drowning swimmers to rescue. and maybe an alligator or two to wrestle (but no women).

- jeff

Herbie at the finish line. Why? Its Baja, baby. When was the last time you saw a Baja T/A? Beetles rule here. Its the ass-engined nazi slot car all the way.

- jeff

Let's think for a moment: Who owns these cars now?

KITT, like every jet black Trans Am, is owned by a greasey 19-year-old metalhead. He uses it to drive out into the middle of nowhere every so often and drink beer with his buddies. Mostly it just sits in his parents' driveway. The paint is flaking off and what's underneath is rusting.

Herbie, a '62 (or is it '64? or '64?) VW bug, is owned by a 40-ish car enthusiast. This is a person who keeps cars under those blanket things. Who maintains cars with his free time. Who owns DRIVING GLOVES. Surely this schmoe and his superior knowledge of road vehicles will prevail.

- Matt-a-roo

I think the outcome is obvious. Things start out normally, KITT will take a seemingly insurmountable lead, a VW Bug is no match for a Trans Am. This will be coupled with the fact that someone from Knight Industries will have tampered with Herbie's fuel line in such a way that it will not be apparent, at first look.

Michael Knight will discover some diabolical plot involving some shapely and scantily clad young hispanic ladies who are really working for some agency that is trying to acquire KITT for their own evil purposes. Michael Knight is captured and KITT is locked up, playing its usual cool, non-sentient self.

Meanwhile, Herbie is in a garage in Ensenada, where the mechanic (who is a Knight Industries agent) has Herbie's engine strewn all over the shop. Buddy and Dean return from the cantina after a few too many fifty cent tequila shots and discover Herbie in pieces. Buddy begins reassembling the engine while Dean searches for the mechanic, who Herbie has trapped in the trunk when he leaned in to remove the gas tank.

Michael has managed to escape and is working on getting KITT away from the villians, who are having a devil of a time trying to learn the secrets of KITT.

Herbie is back on the road and KITT is free, but Michael needs to break up this ring of criminals, and ends up in a wrecking yard, where KITT is tricked into entering a car crusher. The walls come closer, and Michael and KITT try to figure a way out. They finally decide that KITT's turbo boost feature should propell them out of the compacter, which it does. Michael sees the bad guys running into the depths of the wrecking yard. He runs after them on foot, instructing KITT to go finish the race, he'll be okay.

KITT quickly catches up to Herbie and overtakes him, but Michael is re-captured and KITT turns around to go help him, but not before running Herbie off the road.

San Lucas is straight ahead, Herbie is back on the road after a series of wacky, wild adventures and Michael is back with the program after thwarting the villans. They cross the finish line neck and neck, but KITT is slowed at the last second when Herbie loses a wheel which rolls under KITT, causing it to slide sideways accross the finish line, losing enough momentum that Herbie's bumper crosses the line first, which conveniently comes loose and flops forward, extending Herbie's body by the six inches needed to win.

- The Grand Poobah

Herbie's advantage can be summed up in one word: FLUBBER (tm)

Kitt's turbo boost just cannot compare to a decent supply of flubber. Herbie "Soars" to victory.

- Pete B.

What is Herbie? Herbie is an imp, a playful friend, content to bend the laws of physics and engage in all manner of Audio-animatronic(TM) horseplay(i.e. grabbing people by the ass with his trunk) while stopping the bad guys and winning the race. But he is destined to live out his life in the occasional re-make or TV rerun, performing the same old gags year after year. His entry in this race is really just a favor to him, a chance to break out of the Disney(tm) mold for a few short hours before he has to go back to Eisner(tm)'s garage.

KITT, on the other hand, is nothing but cold hard steel and digital circuitry. He's got rocket engines, security features, Microjam(tm) and Super Pursuit Mode(tm). KITT just knows one thing and that is how to kick ass. Furthermore, he's been flame-tested against OTHER intelligent cars, like the prototype CARR. Clearly, KITT's will-o-steel(tm) gives him a strong advantage, especially when faced with the endless expanse of road and scorching desert sun. And based on the Kight Rider 2000 storyline, his basic kickass capabilities even survive placement inside the body of a hugemongous 50's sportster. To paraphrase the Bard, "a KITT in any other car still takes names" Can we say the same of Herbie? I don't think so. Herbie is some twisted embodiment of the principle of Fahrvergnugen that cannot survive outside of a Beetle's chassis.

As for local flavor, let's not forget that Herbie is a EUROPEAN car, which combined with the signing of NAFTA opens the way for KITT to be a symbol of pride for both US and Mexican citizens to rally around.

Ok, and finally, let's bring in the driver factor. We all know that Michael Knight is dedicated to the principle that one man can make a difference - and here is his chance to prove it.

KITT in 6.5 hours (with Super Pursuit Mode(tm)), KITT in 9 hours (w/o Super Pursuit Mode(tm))

- Dave

Listen I respect Kitt and his faithful driver Micheal Knight a.k.a. David Hasselhoff(international singing sensation) as much as the guys next door*.Author's note: I live next to a grouphome for mentally challenged adults.Kitt's about as high-tech(tm) as you get with Plush seats,a classy paint job, and I'm sure one truly boss stereo. But as far as this so called Microjam(tm). It's not a factor. Oh sure, Buddy Hacket won't be able to listen to his 8tracks or any mexican radio talk-shows. But for the most part Herbie's uneffected.

You see, there used to be a time when the world produced cars that had one purpose,to drive from point A to point B. They didn't care about trivial things like celluar phones, intermittent wipers, and controlled emissions(ha!). This was ,No, Is Herbie's World!A time when people took pride in their work. Herbie's not made up of a bunch of rejected Radio-Shack(tm) parts. He's made of PRIDE.

The way I see this race playing out Kitt takes off to an early lead only to be called away to save the Board of Directors for Dow Chemicals, (Makers of Pamela Anderson's implants) from a radical terrorist's backwoods compound(tm) in Kentucky. One thing I've learned: no matter how "high-tech" your car is, everyone gets lost in Kentucky. Kitt overheats and is forced to use local mechanic "Cooter". "It'll be ready sometime next week".

Herbie,on the other hand, runs into all kinds of madcap situations. And after a hillarious evening in a Tijuana hotel,an early morning rise and off to the finish line.


We liked Kitt because he is a car and he can talk and he can do everything.

- Will, age 7

There is, of course, one reason that Herbie will dominate the race: THEME MUSIC. Have you heard the music that accompanies "Knight Driver"? Feh! Pathetic! And Herbie's peppy theme will serve to: A. bolster Dean Jones and Buddy Hackett's spirits, and B. drive everyone else berserk. In a rage of music-loathing, KITT and the greasy guy that drives it will quickly find a crowd of innocent onlookers to mow down.

- The Claw

Why the HELL wasn't Dangermouse invited to this thing? Well without real threat of competition from DM it has to be KITT hands down. Two big reasons - (1) no gassing up for KITT and (2) even if he did stop and have to deal with the less than desirable locals once out of the states, Michael has a mean spin-kick. And if that didn't work he could pop a Mentos.

- Benjamin Bretz

Herbie emerges vicotorious from the Mexican dust thanks to that Independent Rear Suspension and by dint of the fact that any VW can be fixed with a roll of duct tape and some chicken wire.

- Dixon

Assuming the original drivers are the drivers here, as it sounds like they are, Michael is much younger, stronger and able to fight off fatigue, illness, injury, and mexicans.

- Adam Lippman

It's simple, really. It comes down to which car has the right attitude for the man driving it.

Herbie is the kind of easy-going, party-loving, won't-mind-if-you-puke-in-the-back-seat car that would buy you (the driver) another round -- and then ask if you would add a little of that "good stuff" to his tank as well. (That is, so long as the Disney lawyers and P.R. people weren't looking.)

KITT would criticize you for marring his rich Corithian leather interior, would admonish you for drinking and driving (never mind the fact that IT can drive for you), and (having a background personality mirrored after an obscure TV doctor) would advise you to seek counseling at some rehab.

It's not that KITT would outmuscle Herbie, but KITT's driver would probably aim the no-fun car off a cliff (a trick done to the prototype super car before KITT) to a satisfying crunchy death.

- KS

I have found out some inside info on why KITT will win. After hearing the news that THE GENERAL LEE would not be in the race, Michael went to the Duke Boys for help. There wasn't much time so they couldn't teach him how to really drive, but they gave him a secret weapon. Yes, that's right KITT is now equipped with the Dixie horn. How could he lose with that horn? The simple answer is he can't.

- Brent

Jimmy Carter is no longer the worst president this country has had.

My take on this matchup boils down to the possibility of repairs during the race. It is quite obvious that a drunken Buddy Hackett with a cheap socket set is no match for that big black tractor trailer that used to appear on the highway for Kitt to drive into for a quick fix. If there are no mechanical failures I think Herbie may keep it close until the rough terrain of the Baja kicks in. Michael will just hit Kitt's turbo boosters and jump his way through the potholes and ditches while Hebie's VW shocks and struts will just wreak havoc on a hungover Buddy forcing many unscheduled vomit stops. Kitt wins a laugher!

- Michael A. Young

Well Steve, I'm afraid your fondness for those adorable Disney characters have clouded your judgement. Granted, Herbie has a much better personality. If this were a Mr. Congeniality contest, Herbie would win hands down. But we're not talking personalities, we're talking HORSEPOWER!

First, you stated that Herbie is fast. This, my friend, is a relative term. Perhaps you forgot the time that the bad guys kidnapped the lady and flew her to Las Vegas? KITT missed them in LA just as they were taking off in their lear jet. Fade to Vegas... Who's sitting on the tarmac waiting for them?? You guessed it: KITT. Nowhere have we seen Herbie capable of travelling at the 400+ KTS required to outrun a lear jet. Given the design of the VW bug, the "g's" alone would tear the little guy apart, not to mention turn his occupants into pa'te.

Second, you admitted Herbie's inability to win by himself by implying his victory would be at the hands of Mexican car thieves. Now we all know that the ONLY time Mexicans move that fast is when they're travelling NORTH. This race, me amigo, wanders SOUTH. No self-respecting buritto eater would chase a ride BACK INTO Mexico, regardless on how high-tech it is, when there are plenty of pickings "Norte de la Rio' Grande"

Now you might bring up the Tortoise and the Hare analogy, but let me remind you that KITT is a computer. He has no pride to stumble over. He follows his programming to the tee. No compassion, No remorse, No fear.

In fact, the only weakness KITT has is that muscle-headed David Hassledork, who makes Herbie's team look like a bunch of Nobel prize winners. But, thankfully, that's what "Auto-Cruise" is for.

Now we all know who's more charming. Herbie has Chutzpah, Herbie has "guts". But lest we forget the words of that "likable" cop in SPEED who ends up "likable" and DEAD! "Guts will only get you so far, then they will get you killed." So while Herbie and his chums are eternally likable, in this race, they will be likable losers.

- William and Amy Thomas

The problem here is that both of these competitors are good guys - and to boot, are the stars of series. However, since Herbie is a Disney Good Guy(tm) with a movie series, he has to win because of the Disney Winners Clause (tm) in his Goofy Contractoid (tm) that states that: "Disney (tm) Good Guys are the official and universal representatives of Good, Clean, Shiny and Squeaky fun in the whole Donald Duckin' (tm) Universe and, as such, are required by the known laws of the Disney (brandname) Universe to come out on top in the requisite time limit: 4 minutes for short subjects, 99 minutes for film-length animation and 120 minutes for live-action films. Failure to win within the time limit violates Mickey Evil/Good Parity Law (tm) and would result in destruction of the sensory universe." Since KITT is the star of a TV action-drama-comedy-hyphenated-series, he is bound by no such clause and can wreck, get beat up, and generally lose at any time as he did for the length of time from the last show of the series until KITT 2000 - what, twenty years? Since Herbie losing would violate natural law and everyone knows that Disney Lawgoons (tm) are the most vicious (if not viscous) predatory species not extinct, I predict that Herbie will win - by a nose, in a backwards spin, with Dean and Potato-nose hanging out the rear windows and someone's clothesline, with clothes flapping, wrapped around it.

- Xxact, Inc.

Personally i was leaning toward kitt. What switched me to Herbie was the compelling untrustability of the Mexicans. I've been to tijuana, and I know what its like. KITT wouldn't last 10 minutes.

- fx153373

>in the middle of a pie fight with Tony Curtis and Jack Lemmon (now THAT'S obscure)

"Push the button, Max!" $10 on Professor Fate for me.

- Dan Danknick

No contest. Herbie by a landslide. Why? Herbie has character, style, charisma, perserverance. KITT has David Hasselhoff, previous winner of "the world's worst actor(TM)" and the star of the "most popular show on earth (TM)," Babewatch. Ever notice how Michael Knight shared KITT's secret with every woman on Knight Rider that he wanted to sleep with? Nothing will be different here. KITT will jump out to an early lead, but as soon as Michael sees an attractive woman, he'll stop and flirt, "Hey baby, wanna see my car?"

Herbie keeps chugging along as KITT nags "Michael my sensors show that insect has a sizable lead on us." By the time the cheesy 70s music stops and Michael gets back in the saddle, so to speak, it's too late. Just like the tortoise and the hare, substance beats flash and style.

- Mike Lorenz

If you have ever watched KITT in action, you realize that his ground clearance is about eight inches. As soon as they hit the backroads in Baja, KITT finds himself high and dry, stuck on a twelve inch rock. His tires spin and he just sits there and bakes in the hot mexican sun. If he is lucky, a cylon (tm) from the Battlestar Galactica series (tm) will spot him before his radiator goes dry. Of course the downside of the rescue is that it turns into a shotgun wedding.

Result: Herbie wins and KITT takes a honeymoon in Acapulco.

- Edwin Duerr

"...Fresh goes better (Mentos Freshness), Fresh goes better with Mentos - Fresh and Full of Life!"

ANNOUNCER: Welcome back to the First Annual WWWF Road Rally! We're entering the final miles of the Rally, only four contenders remaining in the race: Michael Knight (at the wheel of the Knight Industries 2000), suave super-secret agent James Bond (in the Q Division Aston Martin), computerised crimefighter Automan (having recently upgraded his car to a Windows model) and Herbie, the Love Bug, Dean Jones driving. Let's just take a look back at the highlights of this spectacular endurance test:

(Music: "Who Put The Bomp (in the Bomp, Bomp, Bomp)" by Barry Mann).


ANNOUNCER: ... and that helicopter crash could have been a lot worse were it not for the sterling job done by our pilot, "Mad Dog" Murdoch from the A Team.

We've got an update on the Rally: only two competitors remain in the contest! Apparently Automan's car suffered a General Protection Fault and exploded instantly, and they're still looking for James Bond after the Outdoor Wedding Reception (tm) he drove through turned out to be for the daughter of Vito Corleone. As we cross LIVE to the finishing line, here's our guest announcer Marv Allen:

ALLEN: Uh ... uh ... uh ... JORDAN FOR THREE! YES!

ANNOUNCER: Looks like we'll have to wing it. Here come KITT and Herbie now, with Herbie in the lead! But Herbie's in trouble. He's overloaded! Looks like the combined weight of all the Adorable Mexican Urchins (tm) he was obliged to pick up during the race, not to mention the Unknown Stash of Diamonds (tm) he was already carrying, has slowed him to a crawl. Not even ditching Buddy Hackett for Don Knotts a few miles back has made the necessary difference. He's stalling! He's stopped, only inches from the finish line! KITT speeds past and wins! Michael Knight takes the trophy! A bunch of Mexicans take KITT's hubcaps! And Disney executives take Dean Jones out the back of the feed store and hang him from a tree!

- Robin Shortt

KITT								Herbie

extremely fast car			   slow-plodding hunk of metal
AI							  lack thereof
sensors and other various 				   good shocks
	gear designed to
	help it find the
	best course and
	how to avoid the
	worst scenarios
built low to the ground			       built low to the ground
excellent maneuverability				  lack thereof
Michael Knight						the other guys
overdrive						    underdrive
that red thing going back and forth		    moronic headlights

Considering these, who would logically win?
- R. Brian Clardy
"Michael, you told me to let you know when we were 5 minutes from the Mexican border."

"Good job, KITT, what's our situation?"

"We are one hundred and sixty-two miles ahead of that annoying Volkswagon, and I am detecting a large group of at least three hundred individuals just past the border. They seem to be wielding tools of all varieties."

"The Mexican repair crew, eh? Turbo boost on my mark KITT....NOW!"

The black Trans-Am rockets over the crowd, reducing most of them to chunky salsa with the resulting shockwave.

"We've cleared most of the spectators, Michael, but the road conditions here are simply horrid! Do you realize what this will do to my suspension?...if I don't get a new suspension out of this, me and my Microjam (TM) will see to it that you never get HBO or the Playboy channel ever again."...

[Later:] "Oh, it might interest you [Michael] to know that our friend Herbie went into a serious skid at the border. It seems that there was a lot of blood on the road. We should be safe to slow down a bit."

Result: KITT crosses the finish line shortly before the car in third place spots what's left of Herbie in a dark Mexican alley half a mile inside the border.

- Brian Blovett

This contest is quite obviously a continuation of a most ancient conflict, that of Science verse Magic. Mexico will indeed make the difference, but it will not be due to the questionable morals of the mexican people. No, the answer is in the general state of the country. Mexico, although certainly not "Backward" is definatly more at home with 70's magic as opposed to 90's science. If you doubt it just taste the water and then attempt to find a Modern restroom. You are more likely to magicly sprint back home to relieve any unwanted, shall we say Baggage. Herbie and Magic prevail.

- vtuccillo

Easy... KITT. Why? I got to sit in him at Universal Studios. He speaks 7 languages, and knows lots of dirty jokes in French and German. With that kind of power, who needs to ignore physics?

- It's Woody!

It's a no-brainer. Even if KITT does use his wonderful microjam, so what? Herbie is a VW Beetle, there's nothing there to jam! Where are all of the components to be electronically fouled up --- they don't exist! Everybody knows that the only thing anyone needs to keep a Beetle running is a roll of duct tape and a screwdriver. This also takes care of the drunken mechanic theory, anyone can keep a bug running if they have any mechanical skills what so ever.

So, the arguement comes down to Knight Industries vs. the Disney empire. Now, if Disney can keep Walt's head fully functional (if somewhat frozen) for all these years, it should be child's play to counteract any little gimmicks that Bonnie & company whip up for the race.

Herbie over KITT with ease, generating $65 million at the box office, and paying Walt's electric bills far into the future.

- Mark Coleman

No one has considered the "suicide factor". Herbie will win by default. For the last ten years, KITT has been locked up in a garage somewhere in the boonies while David Hasselhoff (AKA Michael Knight) has gone on to have a sucky singing and acting career. KITT has been going through some major depressing times. Now they drag him out to race a Volkswagon Bug to further boost Hasselhoff's worthless career while KITT will head back to the garage after the contest. KITT takes a wrong turn, locks the doors, turbo boosts into the middle of the Grand Canyon and bursts into a humongous ball of fire in a murder/suicide. Without the star, Baywatch is cancelled and the world is forced to live without watching Pamela Anderson Lee every week. And the world is a better place for it.

- JAMES GOLBA !!!!!!!!

Those that do not learn from the mistakes of the past are doomed to repeat them. This is exactly why Herbie is going to win this race.

When Knight Rider first appeared on television, KITT was featured in a commercial in a head-to-head matchup with the General Lee from The Dukes of Hazzard. You could even send away for a report on how KITT was faster, stronger, cooler and all-around superior. But this early Grudge Match(tm) was silly. KITT cost millions of dollars and was the cutting edge of automotive technology. The General was an abandoned car modified by two "good ole boys" from rural Georgia and both Bo and Luke were on probation, still lived at home and apparently did not have real paying jobs. THERE WAS NOTHING TO PROVE! KITT was and should have been better. But the creators were so unsure of themselves that they had embarrass themselves in self-promotion.

KITT's handlers will be compelled to do this again. Using the Las Vegas background, there will be an entire promotional campaign, complete with road demonstrations, Hollywood interviews of Michael and KITT, infomercials, web sites, etc., to prove once and for all that their state-of-the-art muscle machine is better than a Volkswagon Beetle. They'll probably even hire Brian to promote the powers of microjam(tm), whatever that is. Meanwhile, no one will notice that the race has already begun. By the time they do realize it, Herbie will be three quarters of the way to San Lucas. With Herbie's Mexican relatives running interference (Mexico is the only place in the world where they still build Volkswagon Beetles), Herbie cruises to an easy victory.

- Paul Golba

Kitt will win because the voice of KITT is William Daniels, who also played John Adams (our second president incase you were alseep in history class) in the movie and on stage of the musical 1776 and if the man can create a country, he can definitely go flying past Herbie the Dumb Bug. Nothing was ever done in the face of greater odds, so this should be a breeze. Besides, Herbie is a volkswagon with unacceptable exhaust standards. It's never be allowed back into the US (even thought the race is the other way) so he'd be afraid to ever leave in the first place and would never finish the race.

- Tartan guys forgot the biggest strength each side has going for it:

KITT: Super-Pursuit Mode

Herbie: Ability to change mild-mannered, easy-going, 'normal' Volkswagon Bugs into quasi-intelligent Herbie-clones, the only purpose on their mind: to assist Herbie in whatever is the current problem...

So...on the highways of the United States, KITT and Herbie run neck and neck, until Knight uses the Microwave Jammer to screw up Herbie's perceptions of time and space, then, taking advantage while Herbie is disoriented, jams KITT into SPM and flies away, gaining a 200 mile lead in approximately an hour...

Herbie, now disheartened, sends out a distress call to all VW bugs in the area, which crowd into KITT's path...

Two words: Turbo Boost

-Brent Bourgoine

Herbie. Why? German engineering. While Dean Jones is demonstrating the real meaning of 'Pharfegnugen', KITT will be busy searching the 'net for a German/English dictionary. In a race this gruelling, with roads this bad, the indestructability of a VW Beetle will outlast _anything_ GM can throw out, especially a Pontiac.

True, KITT has been enhanced: better, faster, more fun at parties (where's Oscar when you need him?) but techno-nifty bells and whistles like Microjam (which, BTW, *does* exist--see RFC 4095) aren't going to be effective against a car that has magical, not electrical, systems.

- packy

Look its like this, Herbie was a little car with a big heart. Besides any guy who is in so much control of baywatch and doesn't get the writers to produce a story line where he gets to snog Pammy or Yasmin deserves all he gets.

- M.Ingram, United Kingdom

Not to mention that K.I.T.T. can listen in on Buddy Hackett's plans and foil them by spreading firefighting foam everywhere. Buddy will slip and fall on the foam. He *must* slip and fall on the foam. DisneyPhysics(tm) *require* that he slip and fall on the foam. As he flounders in slapstickish delight, K.I.T.T. will be leaving tracks into the sunset.

- KEN FAIR, U. Chicago Law

KItt will definitely win this race. Herbie is The Love Bug; his heart won't be on the race. He'll backtrack to the garage to check up on his woman of whose affections he has become insanely jealous. KITT, unhampered by frail emotions and inferior design will, like the proverbial well-oiled machine, embarrass Herbie by not only finishing the race in record time, but also by returning to the starting point of the race to make mid-sized car's with Herbie's lady.

- Remora

Herbie will win because he is the best. Have you seen his movies? He can do the coolest things. Kitt will be thrown in a pond or other body of water and drown. David Hasslehauf will come from Baywatch and try to retrive his ill-fated car. Herbie will then do something too graphic to say here, thus the demise of Kitt and David, once again saving the world from utter heck!

- Bill Cecil

To consider Herbie has a chance is naive as Greg Brady. Kitt defies physics on plenty of occasions and travels on roads not suitable to mules. If I could make a suggestion, the contest should be spiced up by including speed racer and Frankenstein from Death Race 2000. Frankenstein wouldn't be slowed down by the m moral ramifications of pedestrain deaths, and would ultimately be able to take every available shortcut. Such as through orphanages and homeless shelters. Morality would not be a hinderance. All of the other contestents would be sdelayed conciderably through the crowded Mexican streets, while Frankenstein could plow through the masses like Mr. Plow enroute to a Duncan Doughnuts. Plus, Frankenstein would get laid in the process.

- Mark Kirschner

I found myself at loss in this one. I, being of Generation X (tm), have absolutly no idea who KITT or Herbie is. I was therefore (and unfortuetly) forced to actually listen to what Brian and Steve had to say. (for once) This time, KITT will be the winner. Why? Because even if Steve says Herbie doesn't need all the nifty-difty stuff that KITT has. So what? It doesn't HAVE to be even always! So, this is how I see it...

1. KITT gains early lead (without Microjam, to quote Steve, Microjam be damned!) because of flat speed and suspension, and on-board computer gives fastes route along Mexican highways. Herbie 0, KITT 1

2. Herbie then regains lead because Michael does quick repair job (for once) because Mexico has ordered temporary prohibition and all alcoholic drinx are outlawed, so Mike isn't the drunk fool that Brian claims him to be. KITT slowed by Mexican vandalists and the occasional stray dog that runs out into the road, forcing KITT to have its windshield and bumper constantly replaced. Herbie 1, KITT 1

3. KITT's crew then hires up local bootlegger to conviently place two cases of American Brewsky (beer) in the middle of the road. Mike, being the beer-craved idiot that he is, orders Herbie to temporarily stop and pick up the drinks. During this, KITT has been running over dogs and stealing gas from local gas stations without stopping until the race is neck and neck (or bumper to bumper). KITT then throws out obscene pictures and words from a, a certain unnamed magazine that-might-sue-me-if-I-mention-names, anyway, Michael, reading these things, destroys any and all Diznee magic that makes ole' Herbie run, forcing a early withdrawl and a total failure for Herbie, proving once again, now one can win without a cool name (unless your name is Clinton, but that's another story).

- Jon Marsh aka Darth Waiter

Vegas: the temple of excess. What better place to celebrate the glory that is American know-how and technological overkill. I was there for the start of the race, loaded up on JD and valium so I could focus clearly through all the smoke and exhaust fumes. From the start, KITT was ahead of the pack like the space shuttle in a model rocket race. The noise was glorious. My chopper pilot had nerves of steel. Not even all of the peruvian flake blowing around the cockpit fazed him. We headed to Tijuana on pace with that black bat out of Hell and even got a bit ahead to pick up some local color on the ground. I had to ditch the pilot at a titty bar - he was weak, and could handle neither liquor nor the feisty senoritas. I careened across the desert to the finish line, desperate to get the end for the story. Flight experience be damned! Without it, my editors might not look to kindly on an expense account already topheavy on narcotics.

Bless the saguaro cactus. It's resiliancy saved my ass from a flaming wreckage on the godforsaken Mexican soil. Stumbling to the finish line, I saw the crowd frothing at the mouth. Gringos, the lot of them. There were a lot of lifeguard uniforms there, filled out with equal parts silicone and vacant expression. The suit and tie weasels behind them kept them facing the right way, and administered powder as needed. I quelled the itch in the back of my skull with a nice handful of peyote and settled back to observe. Within moments, KITT came roaring into view, and screeched to a halt before one particularly lush bit of fluff. As she leaned in, her magaurita splashed the dash. Blue smoke began erupted. I lept to my feet and thrust the bimbo aside, but the damage was done. Screaming at the bozo behind the wheel, I throttled the schmuck. A desperation came upon me, and I tried to forcibly remove him. Again, I was too late. The windows began to roll up, and I heard an ominous monotone from the control panel. "This is highly irregular, Dave". The car titled back, shot flame, and was rising high in the air. I threw myself to the ground and screeched at cruel fate, pounding the sand. The last thing I recall was hearing the sound of that stoic German sound of Fahrvegnugen from afar.

-As told by Hunter S Thompson to the labrat

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Bandit v. CHiPs
The 2nd Annual WWWF Road Rally
Microsoft v. Disney

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