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What is Grudge Match?
What is Grudge Match?

The Scenario

Dr. Laura: "Welcome back. This is Dr. Laura. I am my kid's mom. I'm joined in the studio now by a father and son who want to share their problem with us. Please welcome Mr. Evil, who is the head of an evil organization bent on world domination, and his son, Scott."

Dr. Evil: "That's DOCTOR Evil, thank you very much. And this is my son, Scott. Scott? Oh, dear. Scott, come here and put that gun down. Don't point it at daddy like that."

Scott: "Listen, you freak! I already told you I'm not going on this stupid show with that old hag over there. I'm through with you and your whacked-out ideas. I'm going to put an end to our differences right now by blowing you away!"

Dr. Laura (jumping in between them): "Now Scott, you obviously have some rage issues. But we don't solve our problems with violence. You need to disc..."

Scott: "Shut up! You're as annoying as my father. Too bad I only have one bullet, or I'd blow you away too!"

Dr. Evil: "Yes, now that sounds like a better idea. Or better yet, we could throw her into a tank full of sharks with laser beams. Wouldn't that be fun? Remember when you said in group that you wanted to do more things together as a family?"

Dr. Laura: "Now Scott, let's use our noggins. That's why we have them, right?"

Confused and angry, Scott points the gun at Dr. Laura, then back at Dr. Evil. He has only one bullet. Will Dr. Evil or Dr. Laura succeed in swaying Scott and therefore sparing themselves?

Dr. Laura Schlessinger Dr. Evil, Austin Powers

Dr. Laura vs. Dr. Evil

The Commentary

BRIAN: It's a minor miracle that Dr. Evil has lasted this long. Years of lies, neglect, and frozen absences have finally caught up to him, and he's about to meet the sweet lead justice that so many Dead Beat Dads™ deserve. Are we supposed to believe that Scott will forgive all those terrible things his dad has done in order to shoot someone who's just annoying? Not even Regis Philbin is that annoying!

Let's review the horrible things Dr. Evil has done to his son: Wanted to kill him but was talked out of it by his "Evil Associates"; Encouraged Austin Powers to kill him when Austin had a gun to his head; Embarrassed him on national TV; Wouldn't allow him to travel back in time; Endless "shush"ing; Repeatedly rebuffed him in favor of the affections of a midget mutant clone and a hairless cat. Can you say "deep psychological scarring"? One more laser-themed false promise won't undo all of that. If Scott shoots, he'll shoot his father, no doubt.

Of course, we must also consider the possibility that Scott isn't going to shoot anybody. Despite the name, he may not actually be that evil. Sure, he wanted to pop Austin Powers, but wouldn't we all if we ever met him in person? In this case, Dr. Laura will be the one that convinces Scott to drop the gun, and thus will still win the match, and perhaps gain a son in the process (*sniff*). Scott thinks (rightly) that his dad is an idiot, and won't listen to a word he has to say. Dr. Laura, however, is the motherly figure that he so badly craves. We all saw on Springer how he latched onto Frau Farbissina, who looks disturbingly like Dr. Laura.

Scott's biggest psychological issue is the lack of a parental figure in his life. Dr. Laura's biggest psychological issue is that she tries to be everyone's parent. These two are a match made in heaven. Scott weeps in her arms as Dr. Evil, bleeding or not, runs off and hides in outer space... again.

STEVE: What the hell have you been smoking? You've obviously seen Dr. Laura, and you've obviously seen Scott. And yet you imagine Scott weeping in her arms? I don't think so. Scott is an adolescent, and hates all parental types, and therefore especially your Dr. Laura: Superparent (tm). It's clear that Scott is just looking for a little normality in his life. And believe me, Dr. Laura isn't going to provide that with her suffocating guidance. Not that Dr. Evil can provide normality either, but at least there's the blood relationship. And a prospect for the future.

No, actually seeing Dr. Laura in person will trigger Scott's deep-buried hatred of her. You've seen Scott with his Walkman (tm). For all we know, he listens to Dr. Laura regularly on it. That kind of Chinese water torture can only build up over time into an inner desire to kill her at the slightest provocation. When he lays eyes on her, and then realizes he has a gun in his hands, it's like putting two and two together. Without needing to think twice, it's all over for Dr. Laura.

Not to mention that if he does kill her (which he's already inclined to do), it will actually be something that Dr. Evil and Scott will agree upon. It will be a bonding moment for them, and will set them on the road to a healthy father-son relationship. In fact, it's such a good first step for them, I'm surprised Dr. Laura herself didn't recommend it.

BRIAN: If Scott will do all of this "without needing to think twice", then why do we see such hesitation in the Scenario™? Scott's thinking about it alright, because it takes more than a brief instant for all of the horrible things his father has done to him to flash before his eyes.

And I'm afraid your Walkman argument doesn't make any sense. First of all, I doubt seriously that Scott's listening to Dr. Laura. Given what we know about him and how he dresses, he is most likely listening to Nirvana, Pearl Jam, and perhaps a bit of The Alan Parsons Project™. But if he is constantly tuned into Dr. Laura, that would only mean he's a fan, and obviously would listen to anything she had to say. He would have listened to her a lot more than he ever listened to his dad, who, BTW, only showed up recently! With no parents around, Scott was raised by pop culture, and that includes talk radio and his new mother-figure, Dr. Laura Schlessinger.

But let us once again look at our two contestants. There's a good chance someone will try something underhanded to win this match. Who will succeed? Well, Dr. Evil is more goofy than evil. He claims that he wants to blow up the world, but has yet to actually follow through on anything diabolical. (Of course, the fact that he's such a consistent failure is an entirely different story.) Dr. Laura, OTOH, champions strong parenting and discipline, advocates responsibility and accountability, and even spoke out against homosexuality. What's more evil than that? According to the 1999 Edition of The PC Manual, NOTHING! Not genocide, not building giant moon lasers, not even kitten stomping.

Dr. Laura will win this match because the end (saving Scott from a horrific family situation) justifies the means (whatever means necessary).

STEVE: Sure, Dr. Evil may be goofy, but he is very intelligent. Did he not have a time machine? Did he not have an underground nuclear missile that could blow up the world? He has a truly great mind, but he just gets bogged down in the little details. If it weren't for dotting the i's and crossing the t's, he'd be ruler of the world twice over by now. And while he's masterminding these great feats, what is Dr. Laura busy doing with her life? Posing nude for some pictures? Then going way overboard on the repentance bit and becoming the Miss Goody Two-Shoes from Hell (tm)? Believe me, Dr. Evil will win this one way or another. And you just know that there's a one-eyed Robert Wagner in the audience, ready to take care of things in order to protect his leader.

Finally, Dr. Evil has an ace up his sleeve. Oh, he knows how to win Scott over in an instant. Sure, if Dr. Evil were to just shoot/nerve gas/vaporize Dr. Laura, Scott would think that was cool and they'd be buddy-buddy. But he has yet another, more clever method. Dr. Evil turns around for a moment, slips on a baseball cap with some long hair attached, and turns to face Scott. Voila! It's Wayne himself! Party on, Scott! Scott, never having seen this side of his father before, will be overcome with how similar they in fact are. He'll blow away Dr. Laura for fun, and then Scott and Dr. Evil/Wayne will walk off stage, arm-in-arm, into the sunset. Score one for Mike Myers.

The Results

Dr. Evil, Austin Powers

Dr. Evil (1517 - 66.8%)


Dr. Laura Schlessinger

Dr. Laura (755 - 33.2%)

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Voter Comments


At first, I got to thinking about Freud's theory of the Oedipus Complex, which says that every boy wants to murder his father. Then I realized that Freud himself would have shot Dr. Laura if he had the chance.

- Lou the Inscrutible

Silver Grudgie ROTW Silver Medal GrudgieTM

This is where "the vision thing" comes in. What dreams do these individuals have for the world? Dr. Evil dreams of igniting every volcano in the world simultaneously. While this idea is admittedly cool (especially if you hold a grudge against Indonesia), the doctors are not trying to appeal to Beavis & Butthead (i.e. "Fire! Fire!").

Rather, the subject is Scott, who is more of the intellectual type and hopes to become a veterinarian. Late-adolescent intellectuals tend to be idealistic. They have just emerged from the "aren't we and our country all fine-and-dandy" stage and notice all of the world's shortcomings. In response, they come up with their own visions of the utopian society and how it should be achieved - teenagers' legendary cynicism (which should not be confused with apathy) stems from their irritation that the world does not work as well as it could and should.

So, Dr. Evil espouses a philosophy of chaos, more specifically doing-whatever-he-wants. Dr. Laura, on the other hand, is Kosh to the bald man's Morden: all social interactions should be held to an ethical code so as to uphold law and order. While I have not seen Scott show religious devotion, he must admire Dr. Laura for being able to stand for something bigger than herself.

- Matt Bricker

Bronze Grudgie ROTW Bronze Medal GrudgieTM

My first thought was that Dr. Laura should die a horrible death, so the world could be free of this menace to our sanity.

But then I thought, Scott is a teen... who gets to shoot one of his parents... not to mention one crappy parent... so, Dr. Evil doesn't stand a snowball's chance in hell. Uh-oh... I have a predicament...

After thinking long and hard about this, I have thought of a few possible endings:

A. Scott shoots his father, but then grabs a chair and uses it to beat Dr. Laura to death

B. Scott shoots Dr. Laura, but then grabs a chair and uses it to beat his father to death.

C. I'm forced to listen to another hour of the Dr. Laura Show and I grab a chair and use it to beat myself to death.

- Jessie "any problem can be solved with a gun and/or a chair" Calliopa

Alright, this argument hinges on one premise: Scott Evil's intelligence. He apparently enjoys a movie channel named "Skinamax", and he was able to identify the Alan Parsons Project (who reached their peak while his age was still single digits). He obviously has some intelligence. Using this, Scott can be expected to forego his emotional desires and think about the ramifications of his actions. Let's take a little look into the future for each of Scott's options:

If he kills Dr. Laura:
- Continues living the life of posh luxury he is accustomed to while being supported by a multinational evil corporation.
- Able to continue honing his wit by making fun of his dad.
- Able to prepare for his future as either: A) An evil world dictator, OR B) A petting zoo veterinarian.
- Learn valuable business skills from the obvious business mastermind, Robert Wagner/Rob Lowe.
- And the clincher: If the past is any indication, he will get to continue hanging out with people like Vanessa Kensington, Felicity Shagwell and Alotta Fagina.

Now, let's see what he gets if he shoots Dr. Evil:
- He'll have to get a "character-building" job at Wal-mart.
- He'll get to recieve a healthy dose of the maturity advice he so obviously desires.
- He'll get to throw away all his body peircing rings, hair dye, wallet chains, baggy pants, etc.
- And best of all, he gets a mother who will tell him what to do instead of doing whatever he wants.

Yup, that's a tough call.

- Long Time Listener, First Time Caller

They'll both lose. Before Scott can make up his mind, a hoard of gays and lesbians will run into the studio and tear Dr. Laura to pieces. With her out of the way, Scott makes up his mind and plants the bullet in his father's skull faster than Austin Powers can do the Boogalo.

- Shawn

If I've learned one thing from movies, it is that by the final reel the force of evil in the film will be killed/vanquished/dissapated etc. Thus, Dr.Laura is fish food.

- Mysterio

In Austin Powers, we learn that Scott Evil is actually a CLONE of Dr. Evil, who was supposed to be raised as his son AFTER he first came out of hiding the first time. The only reason why he's here is because his number two man (Number Two) got impatient and brought Scott to life earlier than he should of. Therefore Scott, being a clone of his father, will shoot Dr. Laura instead of Dr. Evil because on a biological level he just can't shoot himself.

- Bubba "Ah did not 'ave saxual relations wit a Sarlaac Pit" Fett

Hard Decision for young Scott Evil to make. I'm going to say Doctor Laura will get shot. If you have listened to that radio even once then you'd want to kill her very badly! Even with a gun pointed at her the good Doctor would try be a real know-it-all whore, just like she is to everyone of her radio callers. Enraged by her Scott will fire a round right between her eyes, silencing her radio talkshhow and tv program forever! Dr. Evil, seeing that his son can kill someone for the good of the world, sneaks out the back while Scott further pummels the dead woman's corpse.

- Unus

Give Scott 2 bullets...................... so he can shoot Larua twice!

- Disturbed "Devin the Mental Hospital Escapee's Number 1 Fan"

A multibillionaire father with a doctorate from Evil Medical School, an endless disposal of beautiful Femme-bots and a time machine versus a homophobic know-it-all media whore with nude pics of her on the Internet at age 50? I know there are some family issues to work out, but why hasn't the trigger already been pulled?

- Charge Man

This match is what Einstien commonly reffered to as a No-Brainer (tm): Dr. Evil commands a Huge, Criminal, Evil Empire (tm). Obviously, he's done a few things right. He only blows it when it comes to the stuff that evil can never win at (despite Lord Dark Helmet's assertion that Evil always triumphs because Good is dumb) - the taking over the world Jazz. You may have noticed that Dr. Evil had no trouble executing several members of his Evil Cabinet (tm) without any adverse affects to the Evil Empire's (tm) operation, and obviously wears the Daddy Pants (tm) in his organization, bringing his number one man, Number Two, to tears. As the second most powerful individual in the Evil Empire (tm), only Number Two would be capable of truly challanging Dr. Evil, and he blows it big time, reduced to blubbering whimpers. So when faced by a pathetic agent of good like Dr. Laura, Dr. Evil will have no trouble- it's only the big shots like Austin D. Powers that give him a good old fashioned Run For His Money (tm). More than likely, he'll coax Scott into being manipulated again, and figure out some diabolical way to kill two birds with one bullet- he has kinda seemed to hate the kid since his inception....

- Saru-Kun

I believe that neither one would get killed. You are stuck in an elevator with Yanni, John Tesh, and Justin Timerlicke, with a gun with only one bullet, who do you shoot? Yourself. Scott would rather take himself out then be around either one of the two.

- FreakyFreaky, the other white meat.

Look, this is simple. Dr. Evil is a fictional character, and isn't all that good at being evil. Dr. Laura is real and is truly evil. Worse, she won't admit that she is evil, which is the mark of TRULY VILE EVIL (tm). This category includes such evils as Bill Gates, most national leaders, and Rush Limbaugh. Dr. Evil survives, and Mike Myers gets to make the next Austin Powers movie, "You're Only Evil Twice."

- The Bunyip

Lets see... some second-rate TV shrink with an '80s hairdo versus a man who struggled through Evil Medical School. Fist fight or world domination, no contest. Unfortunately, this is persuasion. Moreover, Evil starts off at a disadvantage; Scott has wanted him dead for years, and he's only just this minute fixated on Dr Laura. Dans l'autre maine (pretentious and gramatically incorrect French TM wierd Brits), blood is thicker than water (or at least, that's the excuse my brother uses), so Dr Evil may make that back up.

Rules of Grudge Match (TM) state that all participants bear the weight of all previous roles. That's ALL participants - including Scott. Okay, Dr Laura is a real person. Basic score of nought - no positive or negative roles there.

Dr Evil - Mike Myers. Shares a name with the original dead 'ard slash killer, of Halloween fame. Responsible for the glory that is Wayne's World, and the pile of crap with veins of gold running through that is Wayne's World 2. Also, the Austin Powers movies. From all this emerges the following:
1) Tia Carrere. Defines 'Asian Babe'. This alone would pretty much win him the maximum points for Babe Factor (TM), especially as he got her twice. +10. However,
2) Liz Hurley. Crap Actress. Her boyfriend cheated on her. With a hooker. In a public place. She didn't dump him. Austin Powers is her only decent role ever. Lose all those points that Tia Carrere generated, and a few more besides. -12
3) Heather Locklear (or is it Graham?). Haven't seen the film. Don't know her. give five points just for looking so bloody HOT. +5
4) Every single joke in Wayne's World (unfair advantage rule - discount all those involving Dream Woman, Donut Shop Psycho, Garth without Wayne, Garth with Wayne, Alice Cooper and Bohemian Rhapsody - credit where credit's due). Five points each for 'Oscar Clip', 'Gratuitous Sex Scene', the T-1000, and the bit with the Cantonese. +20
5)The crap, convoluted 'Waynestock' plot line is worth minus twenty on its own. This is reduced by the Kung-Fu fighting, increased by the multiple endings (first time was genius, second time was cheap), and reduced again by the scene from 'The Graduate' and by Garth's new manliness ('You didn't tell them about my pubes, did you?'). -18
6) The characters of Austin Powers; International Man of Mystery. Perfect James Bond parody. Ms Fagina alone would be twenty points if I was certain Myers was responsible. Five points for Austin, and it would be fifteen for Dr Evil if he wasn't the man under discussion. +12
7) Mini-Me. Dr Evil is responsible for this guy, no question. +20 All this gives Mr Myers thirty-seven points over Dr Laura (let's face it, I want Evil to win). There is no way Dr Laura can win over Scott.

However, he still primarily wants to kill his dad. How strong-willed is he? Seth Green is famous for, basically, two roles; Scott Evil, and the character Oz from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Unusually, he was both of these at once. Oz had no parents, and no real name while he was on the show. Conclusion? They are, logically, one and the same person. Whenever he could get away from his dad, Scott ran off to Sunnydale, California. It may involve Vampires, Demons, and short, annoying blondes who complain all the time, but his girlfriend was the most popular character on the show, and he was rapidly accepted as the coolest. Plus, he didn't have to deal with dad. Why is all this important, I hear you all cry. Simple. Oz Evil was defined by three things; he played guitar in a rock band, he turned into a gigantic, crazed, voracious hairy wolf-thing three nights of the month, and he was utterly, totally, inhumanly unflappable. He never lost his cool (except when he was a big hairy wolf-thing, when he tended to rip out peoples throats, but that's by the by); the closest he ever came was when the big bad guy was about to turn into a giant, serpentine CGI and kill everyone in town. At which point he shagged Willow (his girlfriend).

Obviously this is a better situation; he's got the gun, he's got control, and since you always film in daylight (and avoid paying overtime), he's not going to turn into a big hairy wolf-thingy. Scott 'Oz' Evil is cool. He's not going to lose it. No way anyone can change his mind. He adjusts his position juuust... so, and fires. The bullet hits Dr Laura in the eye, exits through the back of her skull, and slams into Dr Evil's chest. Both fall to the floor. Then Dr Evil gets up (insert Evil Laughter, exposition of high-tech bulletproof polyester thermal vest and much pinky-finger posing), and he and Scott head off into the sunset, he to take over the world and Scott to get a bigger gun.

- Will

As Scott tries to figure out who to shoot, he finally decided it would be better for him to shoot the dad that he feels was never around for him, Dr. Evil. HOWEVER, before he could pull the trigger, Mini-Me, who was backstage during this incident, comes in and, thanks to his bitter hatred of him, beats the hell out of Scott and grabs the gun. He then gives the gun to Dr. Evil and, while his clone continues to beat the crap out of Scott, Dr. Evil guns down Dr. Laura and has her badly burned before making his getaway on his rocketship shaped like a... Dick, look up

- Joe Klemm

The problem with the two analysises given is that they both seem to believe that Dr. Evil accually cares about Scott.
Please evaluate the following scenario. Scott stands there for a while, trying to decide who to shoot.
"Now Scott," says Dr. Laura, "you can't just jump into a decision like this, you must think it through."
"I agree," states Dr. Evil, "come, lets discuss this at my table."
Dr. Evil gives them their seats, then puts his finger to his mouth and says "Scott, please give my regards to Jimmy Hoffa."
A button is pressed and Scott falls into the furnace.
Dr. Laura, stunned, says "You did that to your own son!! You have no shame, I suppose I'll suffer the same."
"I would have, but your sitting in Scott's chair. Besides I have other plans for you............"

In the near future, Dr. Laura who appears to be wearing cybernetic implants opens her show "Today we'll be talking to a self proclaimed Sex Symbol about his eroneous views on Free-Love, Austin, are you there......."

- PantherD

Well, I'm gonna have to go with the Annoying Celebrity Factor™ on this one. It's my own invention (to quote the White Knight from "Through the Looking Glass"), and it basically states that any truly annoying celebrity doesn't stand a snowball's chance in Hell of winning a Grudge Match. We've seen it before when Dionne Warwick lost to Nostradamus, when Wesley Crusher and Barney the Dinosaur were Both Mangled and Killed™, and when Tigger lost to Hobbes (of Calvin and Hobbes™ fame). And I don't care what anyone else thinks (not that I ever did before), I think Dr. Laura is a lot more annoying that Mike Myers.

- Andy the Anarchist

Let's not forget that Scott mentioned in the first movie that he had a gun in his room. If he had planned on killing his evil pops he would have done so long before this. Scott is not evil, so he can't kill his dad in cold-blood, but killing the pure inter-demonsional evil known as Dr. Laura would net him a spot on MTV news and the chance to meet his favorite stars.


Okay, obviously, despite all of the (in)sane arguments offered on both sides, the battle to see who lives and who dies will be determined by... The Force (TM) As seen by the summer previews for Austin Powers 2: The Spy who Shagged me (and the latter part of that movie), Dr. Evil appears to be a rough equivalent to Darth Vader (wierd breathing, funky voice in a space suit, etc). As we all know from the Star Wars movies, Luke inherited the ability to use the Force from his father. So, by contemplating "striking down his father" or, "killing someone in a fit of anger," Scott is in the threshold of entering the "Dark Side of the Force"(TM). But, the obvious problem here, is that Luke almost struck down his father and could have become the (mechanical) right hand man of the Emperor. So where's the Emperor? However, since Dr. Evil is in charge of his Own Damned Empire O' Evil (TM), this kicks his status up to "Emperor." This would move "Mini- Me" (too short to be noticed by the commentators or the camera, apparently) up to Apprentice, making him the new equivalent of Darth Vader. So, logically, the scene should carry out like this...

Dr. Evil: Scott... Strike her down, and we will rule the world side by side!!
Dr. Laura: Now Scott, let's talk about your anger...
Scott: Whatever, I thought I wasn't evil enough for you dad!! Besides, we all know that there can only be two.... A master, and an Apprentice. (looks at Mini-Me).
Dr.Evil (Thinking quickly): Ah, I see... Go ahead, shoot the little bastard, I don't care. Together we shall rull the world... Together.
Mini-Me: (Hurt Expression)
Dr. Evil: Sorry Mini-Me, but all of your merchanise finally stopped selling, and I can't afford the workman's comp for all of the people you've been biting anymore.
Scott: Bitchin'! (Shoots Mini-Me).

So, in the end, the Master and Son try to rule the world, fail, and put together a band called "Evil Petting Zoo." Dr. Laura, after being recruited to join the Evil Empire (TM), is soon after dumped in Dr. Evil's firepit after being annoying and useless. Dr. Evil Easily.

- Shadowknight

I know that Dr. Evil is going to win, just because the majority of the voters are undersexed teenage males with too many hormones and not enough brains to govern them (because the Austin Powers movies were little more than 007 ripoffs with not enough Bond-style world- saving and too much innuendo and 1/10 away from total nudity).

But I voted for Dr. Laura because Dr. Evil's nude pictures were never put on the internet.

Damn! I sounded just like an undersexed teenage male by saying that!

- D-kun, who can't get clean after hearing the line "Dr. Evil's nude pictures"

*BLAM!!!* The shot rings out of the gun. When the smoke clears, the one on the ground is... Dr. Laura! Dr. Evil is ecstatic! "Come now, my son, soon we shall have the ONE MEEEELION DOLLAR! bounty GLAAD secretly put on Dr. Laura's head!" "What makes you think you're getting off so easy, 'Daddy'?" Scott asks sarcastically, as he hastily forms the headphone cord from his Walkman into a garotte...

- The HeartBurn Kid

Remember, Dr. Evil and Austin Powers are the SAME PERSON (both played by Mike Myers). Scott kills two birds with one .44 bullet.

- ScreamoSpider

I am going to have to side with Dr. Evil on this one. He offers Scott one thing that Dr. Laura could never offer - being in movies! No one would make a movie about Scott (actually, lots of movies these days are made about teens like Scott, but none starring Scott on his own). But, by being the son of Dr. Evil, he appeared in that Austin Powers movie. If he shoots Dr. Evil, that would mean no more Austin Powers movies, no more movie appearances, and no more fame. On the other hand, all Dr. Laura has is a radio talk show and a TV talk show that is sinking into obscurity and cancellation as surely as the Titanic sank beneath the Atlantic in 1912. Soon, perhaps before the end of 2001, Dr. Laura will be an old forgotten has-been. If Scott hears any show biz news on his Walkman or watches "Entertainment Tonight", he will know this. So, in addition to his dislike of Dr. Laura's philosophy, we can add the desire to put her out of her misery to the list of reasons why he would shoot her. (Though I find the idea of the sharks far more appealing.)

Finally, there is the matter of allies, usually of some importance in Grudge Match bouts. Since Dr. Laura is on the fast train to obscurity, she has no allies of any consequence. However, Dr. Evil has his henchmen and henchwomen (some of those henchwomen could be persuasive to an adolescent like Scott). But, as far as the Grudge Match is concerned, he also has Mini-Me who is played by Vern Troyer. And who did Vern Troyer do a Playstation ad with? None other than Grudge Match hero and mascot Mr. T. Need I say more. So, Scott will bring about the demise of Dr. Laura, ridding us of an obnoxious talk show host and (by sparing Dr. Evil) ensuring the future of the Austin Powers movie franchise.

- The Demented Astronomer

At first glance, the Fight Card sounds redundant...Dr. Laura vs Dr. Evil...isn't that two of the same thing. Anyway, Dr Evil is gonna take this one hands down, NOT because of the Mighty "Shoosh" that could stop James Earl Jones and Orson Wells in the middle of an oratory, NOT because of the invincible aura that surrounds all cheesy villians that makes them absolutely impervious to fatal injury or final death, and most definetly NOT because Austin Powers is going to say anything about it (indeed, I dont think even his mojo could stand up to that whretched harpy).

Nay people...Dr. Evil is going to win this for the same reason Tattoo flattened Urkel in an earlier Grudge Match.

incognito ergo sum

Dr. Evil, you see, is pretty cool when you think about it... He is to Villian Wannabees what Batman is to Hero Wannabees, a symbol that no matter how bumbling and idiotic you are... you too can break into the world of supervillany. Quite simply...he is the everyman. Dr. Laura on the other hand... good lord... this might turn out to be the bloodiest match since Freedy vs Jason. Who HASN'T this big mouthed busybody pissed off...shes slandered Blacks, Whites, Native Americans, Jews, Christians, Nazis, KKK Members, Big corporations, little corporations, mom and pop stores, gay people, straight people, hermaphordites, cyborgs, mutants, morlocks, symbiotes, and it would probably be a safe bet to say everyone who's ever participated on Grudge Match AND CBUB AND fan-made fight pages around the web. Let me assure you thats a shitload of people.

You shoulda saved this one for the 3rd tournament of Champions. The only battle here is gonna be when everyone finds out that Dr. Laura is in the Grudge Match ring WITHOUT her demonic bodyguards (all of the Devil's concubines get of charge) and comes stampedeing through the front gate to rip her limb from limb. And there aint gonna be a thing that Shane, Hotbranch, or nay...even Devin the Mental Hospital Escapee can do to stop it. Try to imagine what would happen if Timothy McVeigh were suddenly seen in the middle of Disneyland...and you might have some semblance of the horror that is about to unfold. With people from every genre of entertainment, political figures of all kind, and every WWWF/CBUB Participant EVER decenting into the ring...Dr. Laura will be dead in under 2 seconds...leaving Dr. Evil "The Last Man Standing"

- Providing a valuable service...ridding the world of sucky ass heroes...

Dr. Evil will win the fight, why? He single handledly fought off a crowd on Jerry Springer, and judging by the last fight that Jerry fought, if Dr. Evil can knock out Jerry Springer, then she is no match for Dr. Evil. If anything, she will make the mistake of calling Scott, a snot nose, putrid punk, who needs to be spanked badly. Even though his love is for Mini Me, he still loves Scott, or he would had Mini Me kill him (or one of his henchmen) a long time ago. P.S. Once she's gone there be one less obnoxious daytime talk show to deal with... up next Rosie O'Donnell!!

- Jamie "Not a biological evil" McBain 2001

Well, in one of the trailers for Austin Powers last year we kind of got the suggestion that Dr. Evil was sort of like Darth Vader, which means that Scott is like Luke. Luke tried really hard not to kill his father so his only choice would be to kill Dr. Laura. But seeing how is sort of like Luke then he will only graze her in the arm thus not killing either of them.

- The Star Wars Factor

There are four major factors that come into play here.

1. Personal Politics: Dr. Laura is a racist, homophobic, Social Darwinist. Scott is obviously a Unitarian. She is the living embodiment of everything he hates.

2. The Free Lunch: Scott is the living embodiment of the angst- ridden Gen X slacker. If anyone knows the respective benefits of being a parasite, he does. He’s smart enough to know not to blow away his one and only meal ticket. Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.

3. The Porno factor: In his night-life, Scott has been fighting vampires, demons, and a various assortment of Hell’s minions with Sarah Michelle Gellar. The only place on the internet that the names Sarah Michelle Gellar and Dr. Laura Schlessinger can be found together is Nude Celebrity sites. Yes, that’s right. People actually own, distribute and look at pictures of Dr. Laura, NAKED. Nobody should be subjected to that, and Scott will not pass up the opportunity to spare the world from any more of these sickening photographic visages.

4. Nancy Reagan: Nancy is always a wild card. It may at first seem that she would side with Dr. Laura, having served on the Childhelp USA National Advisor Board together. Unfortunately for Dr. Laura, Nancy’s husband starred in Bedtime for Bonzo, which is about teaching morals to a chimpanzee. Recognizing this film as Dr. Laura’s inspiration for her life’s work, Nancy will take the gun from Scott and shoot Schlessinger herself in disgust.

- bandgasm

Dr. Evil: Or maby we could just use the ill-tempered mutant seabass Scott or .......

Dr. Laura: Put that gun right down you miscreant. This is another example of how kids these days are being mislead by pop groups and how American youth is going straight down the d....


Scott: Gee, I'm sorry Dad... can we still desecrate the corpse together?

Dr. Evil: Of course son, of course.


"So help me God, I don't know which one to kill!" Scott shouted as he pointed the gun back and forth.
"Kill him!" Dr. Laura told him in desperation.
"Yes Scott. Kill me." Dr. Evil suprisingly told his son.
"WHAT?!" Everyone in the room exclaimed.
"Yes. You heard me. Do I stutter? Do I have a speech impediment? Do I tawk wike Ewmer Fudd? Shoot me Scott."
"I... I can't. You're my dad. I just can't do it."
"Check under your chair Scott. I have a present for you." the bald villain grinned in excitement while touching his lip with his pinky. Scott found a box under his chair which he slowly, and cautiously openned.
"No... NO!" Scott found the decapitated head of Number 2. "NO!"
"If I can interrupt for a second," Dr. Laura butted in, "but we have a caller."
"Scott," the voice said, "this is Morgan Freeman! Don't shoot him! If you shoot him, Laura wins!"

Scott stood there and screamed in hatred as he unloaded his one bullet at his father. Dr. Evil suprised his son yet again by actually catching the bullet (that's why he always made that hand motion when he'd "Shush" Scott. Dr. Evil was just waiting to show that he can catch bullets). With the bullet inbetween his fingers he flicked it at Dr. Laura, leaving a hole in her chest.

"You tried to kill me. You tried to kill me! Me! Your father! You truly are my son!" Dr. Evil stood up and extended his arms.
The two hugged for a minute when they were interrupted by Dr. Laura.
"Excuse me... I'm still alive... I'm... in a lot of pain."
"What are we going to do about her, dad?"
Dr. Evil looked down at Dr. Laura with his pinky at his lip. "What now? Well let me tell you what now. I am going to call a couple pipe- hitting henchmen, who'll go to work on Laura here with a pair of pliers and a blow torch. Hear me talking Schlessinger? I'm not through with you by a long shot. I am going to get Medieval on your ass."
"That's cool and all, but why did you have to kill Number 2? He was gonna buy me a Playstation 2!"

"I was going to fire him anyway, Scott. I'd like you to meet his replacement." Dr. Evil reached towards the ground and pulled out a pale man dressed in black and hair as dark as the heart of Satan. "Scott meet Man-Servant Hecubus. Hecubus meet my son Scott." Scott extended his hand to shake but Hecubus shook his head and put his hand behind his back. "Yes Scott. He's very evil."

- Gavok

Let's engage in a little reasoning here.

1.) Dr. Evil is clearly gay. This is not open for debate, folks. Yes, I'm sure trying to take over the world doesn't leave much time for fostering intimate relations, but that's really just a pathetic excuse. Dr. Laura thinks gays are unnatural. Thus, while Dr. Laura is convicing Scott to shoot his dear, queer dad, all the the good(?) doctor can do is try denying his own homosexuality. Advantage: Dr. Laura.

2.) Scott's a teenager. Teenagers, as well all know, don't really respond to the first time you tell them something. Dr. Laura is Jewish, and thus possesses world-class nagging skills. After one minute of constant "Scott, I told you to shoot your father. Now, are you going to get around to it sometime this century?" he'll empty the chamber in no time. Of course, since he's being nagged, it's hard to say who gets the bullet. Advantage: neither.

3.) Dr. Evil has appeared in not one, but two hugely successful films. (Can you say 'highest grossing comedy of all time'?) Dr. Laura has appeared in one daytime talkshow that tanked and got cancelled, and has a radio talk show that airs only on AM radio in most markets. Double advantage to Dr. Evil for success, and cool points.

4.) There is nothing more annoying in all creation that anyone other than 'Austin Powers' saying "Do I make you horney, baby?" Dr. Evil opposes that persona, and all the cheesy catchphrases it stands for. Dr. Laura has no catchphrase, and opposes homosexuals feeling good about their lifestyle. Advantage: Dr. Evil.

5.) Dr. Laura is a talk-show host with a producer and a call- screener. Dr. Evil is a criminal mastermind with musclebound lackies and a clone. Scott only has one bullet. Two thugs are going to be more successful at 'influencing' Scotts choice of a target than some tired old broad yapping away. Advantage: Dr. Evil.

So after looking at the relevant factors here (gay versus jewish, teenager versus nagging, an army of thugs verus reason, and "Do I make you horney, baby?") I'd say the outcome is Doctor Laura, with a bullet.

- the doktor

My heart really believes and aches for Dr. Evil because I really want him to win, but the odds are just insurmountable. True that after many years of losing to a spazz like Austin Powers give him the power of THE RAGE. However, THE RAGE cowers before Dr. Laura's specialty THE MENOPAUSE. Even if Scott does shoot at her (who can blame him, she's a raving b----) she has enough hot air coming out of her to make the bullet ricochet into Dr. Evil.

- jondogg

Scott, despite his bitterness and hatred, has repeatedly shown that he is, in fact, smarter than his father. While he may not have it in him to build a time machine, cloning device, or lunar shuttle, he's got the "street smarts" to beat out his father's "book smarts." He's a child of this era, and knows how to work within it. With that in mind, Scott, and any other sensible American, would--no, Must--shoot Dr. Laura Schlessinger.

Dr. Evil is an honest madman. He wants the world's money, love, and power. He's refreshingly open about his goals. Dr. Laura may preach all she likes about responsibility, common sense, and blatant homophobia, but... there's something off about her. Something... wrong. Whenever she talks, don't you get the faintest whiff of brimstone? When she talks to callers on her show and berates them for real or perceived stupidity, in a way that would make any real psychologist get their license revoked, doesn't the temperature rise a bit around the radio? If you listen to her broadcasts just right, don't you hear long silences, where her producers have had to blank out long periods where her eyes roll back and she grunts gutturally in Enochian, ancient Hebrew, Aramaic, and Sumerian? Dr. Evil is evil. Dr. Laura is the devil herself. Strike now, Scott, for the future of humanity.

- Thomas Wilde

Let's get one thing straight, shall we?


He has gone on record, in The Onion no less, that the only person he could take in a fight is Warwick Davis.

He even fears Gary Coleman! How can we reasonably expect him to do his moral duty of shooting Dr. Laura if he can only beat Willow up by throwing him down a flight of stairs?

And why didn't we use the Sedate Vlad fund to replenish our stockpile of weapons? Couldn't we have supplied Scott with a hair-trigger AK-47, or even the prototype BFG that Thinkmaster's been working on? A handgun with a single bullet... God we're becoming sad.

- HotBranch!

Is this a joke? No, really, is it? Dr. Laura has a knack for yelling at her listeners. They argue with her, she yells at them and hangs up. Dr. Evil, when under gunpoint, can out-negotiate his captor. Both Number 2 and Austin have had him in that situation-and been thwarted. Scott shoots Dr. Laura after she calls him a repressed & over- depressed teen loser who whines too much. He then takes over the world...with his dad's help. Now everyone, help me find some sharks and lasers to.....remodel Brendan's pool...

- Dr. Devin, Mental Hospital Escapee & Overall Evillish Guy

Well, first of all, I'm shocked at the blasphemous notion that either of these two miscreants would be referred to as doctors by the ever entertaining Brian and Steve. The term doctor is usually associated with someone who is smart, and often times, diabolically evil. It has been amply proven by both arguments that neither Laura, nor Evil can be descibed in this manner. But both Steve and Brian forgot the most important factor in this match. The Masses(TM). As we all know, America in general hates Laura with a passion. Therefore, armed with the knowledge that the audience will be made up of many Angry Americans(TM) armed with both shotguns and the Rage(TM), Scott will undoubtedly shoot his father, trusting America to clean up the mess known as Dr. Laura.

- Jyro, a.k.a. The Boy Wonder

Just so you know, both Steve and Brian are doctors. Any effects that has on the worthiness of the title is left as an exercise to the reader. - Eds.

You know, in retrospect I probably should've picked Dr Laura. Darth Vader didn't seem to have too much luck convincing Luke to go dark side in Empire Strikes Back, did he? I mean, how can you convince kids these days to join your evil empire(tm) when you cut his hand off and drop him down a deep chasm? Scott's gotta be facing a similar situation with his evil dad(tm). On one hand, he's got a dad who breeded him in a test tube, he loses out to a midget for his dad's affection, and Scott has to suffer through rebuff after rebuff from his father when he comes up with evil ideas that would actually do what they were intended to do. With all that going against him, if Scott has'nt been thoroughly seduced by the Dark Side by now, he never would be. On the other hand, you've got the mildly obnoxious Dr. Laura, whom Scott could easily ignore by turning off the "on" switch of the TV. I think it's no question that Scott has been thoroughly seduced by the Dark Side, has an incredible amount of the Rage(tm) pending, and is incredibly eager to cap his dear old dad. Dr Laura won't even have to persuade Scott to deep six pops. For Scott is the one thing Dr. Evil never was when it comes to personal vengance killing: Efficient.

- Jeff

I'm surprised ANYONE'S voting for Dr. Laura...

- Mr. Potato Head

It's like the election. Who is the lesser evil? Dr. Evil. Sure, he's annoying, but he's extremely ambitious, plus, who likes Dr Laura? Exactly. Go anywhere, and interview the people. Dr. Evil will be much more popular. And since Scott is raised on pop culture, he will be forced to spare the more popular. My guess is that Scott will shoot Dr. Laura, then will proceed to beat her corpse down with the butt of the gun. After which he will go insane, and become The Fat Bastard's adopted son.

- OverLoad

Dr. Evil in 2-3 minutes. Everyone has heard Dr. Laura, they know someone who is a fan and hears it every once in a while. She will start out by asking Scott about his feelings. If that alone doesn't get him to kill her (and it will if he's an ordinary teenager), she'll eventually get pissed off at him for repeating things in the story. Then she'll go on one of her wild rants bitching about something. If that doesn't get him to waste her, he should turn the gun on himself and get rid of another Dr. Laura fan. It's not like she's a real Doctor.

- Joel "heard Dr. Laura one too many times" Bennett

Dr. Evil. The guy escapes by a stroke of luck. Austin Powers(TM), comes in and attemps to judo chop Scott. Scott uses the bullet on Austin, but he misses by a mile, and instead shoots a pipe, which in turn, shoots out a jet of steam. Dr. Evil, taking the opprotunity to run and call for help, immedietly summons Mike Myers's(TM) third International Man Of Mystery Persona(TM), Fat Bastard(TM), who keeps down Scott with his imense weight. Dr. Evil remotely activates a pair of Fembots(TM), who immediettly hop on the good foot and do the bad thing with each other to purposely distract Austin and Dr. Laura. Dr. Laura: THAT IS DISGUSTING! Austin Powers: *Tries to get into the action* Dr. Evil then uses a laser sattilite to decapitate The "Good" Doctor Laura(TM). He then quickly leaves with the sudden desire to cyroginicaly freeze himself and send himself into space, leaving Austin and the Fembots alone. Austin: Well what did we stop for? *Continues*

- El Chimpo

"Now, Scott, let's all try to relax here," Dr. Laura says in a soothing voice. "Think of something calming, gentle. Imagine yourself sitting in a nice peaceful grove of willow trees..."

"WILLOW! That SLUT! She dumped me for a girl! A GIRL!!!". Scott Evil hurls down the pistol with a growl and seconds latter a rampaging werewolf rips Dr. Laura to shreds.

"Now, son, let's not be too hasty here," Dr. Evil says as Scott "Oz" Evil turns his eyes towards his father next and canine fangs gleamed in the studio lights. "C'mon, people, somebody throw him a bone here!" he hisses to his henchmen, but upon checking he found himself alone save for his ever-present kitten companion Mr. Bigglesworth. Quickly his diabolical genius hatched an evil plan. With a quick press of a button, a convenient hatch to Flaming Doom opened nearby.

"See the pretty kitty, Scotty?", Dr. Evil said, waving Mr. Bigglesworth. "Go chase the pretty kitty!". The cat hurls down the pit with a feline wail, followed closely by a barking Scott Evil.

"Whew!" thought Dr. Evil as he made his way to the door. Behind him, from the hatch echoed "Uh, hello? Can, like, anybody help me down here? I'm badly burned, but I'm still alive..."

- "Mad Dog" Mike

Come on, can anybody out there justifiably vote for Dr. Laura? I think not. I would much rather deal with the threat of Giant Moon Lasers (TM), Drills that deposit bombs in the Earth's core (TM), and other Evil-trademarked schemes than the crap that Dr. Laura, aka Dr. Idiot, spews out. This no-talent, intolerant, pose-for-Playboy-even- though-I-have-skanky-body, so-called feminist hypocrite deserves a fate worse than death. Besides which, she's at war with former Grudge Match champion Howard Stern. For the sake of the universe, I hope Dr. Evil gives Dr. Laura to fat Bastard as his gold-bikini love slave, like Jabba and Leia.

- 1/2 Nelson - Also, her last name is too damn hard to pronounce

There they are facing off, Scott with the gun, his father aking him to "Get on with it!", and Dr. Laura pissing her pants. Then, the infamous Doctor makes her final attempt to defuse the situation.
"Come on, Scott. Put down the gun. Don't act like a little queer."
Scott cocks the gun and points it at her, saying but four words. "I'm already queer, bitch!"
As she falls to the floor dying, she reaches out to him. "I thought you were good, Scott."
He blows the smoke away from the pistol. "Good, Evil, I'm the one with the gun."
As Dr. Laura dies, Dr. Evil turns to his son. "Oh, that was a good ploy, Scott. You may be a mastermind yet."
Scott turns to his father. "What ploy?"

Dr. Evil immediately suffers a heart attack from the shock of discovery his son's sexuality. He dies hours later at the hospital after a botched-up quadruple by-pass. Dr. Evil wins by virtue of surviving Dr. Laura by a mere few hours.

- JaimeBlue

No matter who gets shot, the other one will wish it was them. Have you ever tried raising a disgruntled teenage boy?

- Rainwoman

At least Dr. Evil managed to fail at destroying the world. All Dr. Laura has managed to fail at was syndicating her show on TV and suing the guy who posted naked pictures of her on the internet. Scott will blow Dr. Laura away, making his dad #1 with a bullet.

- Bowie Hawkins

That bullet has Schlessinger written all over it. In really tiny letters.

- Todd "Bullets to deadbeats" Evil

Dr. Evil is protected by the Law of Crappy Sequels (TM held by Sylvester Stallone), which states that a major character in a continuing series of movies must always be kept alive for the next Crappy Sequel (TM). Dr. Evil must therefore be spared so he can live to make a movie even worse than "The Spy Who Rehashed All the Good Jokes From the First Film." Dr. Laura, on the other hand, is a real person. Well, sort of real, anyway. As such, she has no Movieland laws protecting her and can be killed at any time, any place. Just another reason why real life is better than the movies.

- Captain Corcoran

Well, why don't we take it on a factor-by-factor basis:

While it's easy to look solely at Dr. Evil's past failures, you can't deny his successes either. He has his own international evil corporation, he has thousands of loyal lackeys under his control, and he has his own time machine. What can Dr. Laura say she's done? Gotten her own radio talk show? Pfff. You can get those in cereal boxes.
Advantage: Dr. Evil

On the other hand, when Dr. Evil fails, he fails BIG. He makes such amazingly boneheaded mistakes it's almost as if he wants to fail. Sure, Dr. Laura has some grand errors, like her TV show, or those nasty sasquatch pics of her naked, but that's not nearly as bad as Dr. Evil.
Advantage: Dr. Laura

Clearly, Scott is going to shoot the most annoying of the two. And while Dr. Evil may be pretty funny for us spectators, actually interacting with him has to be frustrating. On the other hand, if Scott has listened to just half a session with Dr. Laura, she is DONE. If he has just once listened to Dr. Laura tell a caller that they are a screwup and hang up on them without actually dispensing any advice, Scott will blast her faster than the human eye can follow.
Advantage: Dr. Evil

Physical Appearance:
The mere looks of the two might tip the scale of who Scott shoots. And while Dr. Evil is pretty ugly, he at least doesn't make me want to puke.
Advantage: Dr. Evil

Emotional Bonding:
Scott has had plenty of opportunities to take action against his father, but he has not done one single thing against him, murder or otherwise. Deep down, he loves his father. Dr. Laura on the other hand, he has no bond with her.

Let's face it, Dr. Laura is going to be given a new flow-through ventilation system.

- Infraggable Krunk

Dr. Evil usually gets beaten by people whose choice of clothing and hairstyle are thirty years out of time. Dr. Laura in a landslide.

- De Zwits

In an effort to understand what was driving Dr. Evil's big lead, I "borrowed" Brian's key ring (Hey, that's what he gets for leaving his pants laying around his office like that) and went looking for the Grudge MatchTM server farm. Not surprisingly, it was a pair of Commodore VIC 20'sTM located in the handicapped stall (more room in there) of the Executive WashroomTM. I was then able to send email queries to some of the Dr. Evil voters. Below I present some of the replies I recieved as a representative sample:

"If there's an Austin Powers III, they might have Carrie Fisher come back and avenge the 'liquidation' of her therapy group, and she might be wearing that metal bikini from ROTJ. No Dr. Evil, no metal bikini. What part did you not understand?"

"Dr. Evil bought Bill and I the nicest set of copper pots for the house in Georgetown."

"Why would I vote for him to be killed when I just pardoned him last month? And anyway, he bought Hillary and I a great set of copper pots for the house in Georgetown."

"She was just so nasty to me when I called in and asked if it was OK to let my 13 year old daughter go to Burning Man with her Phys Ed teacher."

"Too bad I only could come by the site once to vote against this woman and the nasty homphobic rhetoric filling our nation's airwaves. Managing Eminem's career keeps me really busy."

"I'm a Japanese-American theater major and I voted against Dr. Laura because I heard she is critical of Asian Thespians. I mean, what did we ever do to her?"

Unfortunately, I can't include the other responses because of space restrictions, but suffice to say that most were from Floridians who thought that Evil Knievel finally got his PhD.

- Mr. Silverback- I liked Grudge MatchTM so much, I bought part of the company.

FYI, we know all about the real sneaking around you did with this match. - The all-knowing eds.

Either way Mike Meyers dies. Dr. Laura is really Mike Meyers. Change "her" wig from the blond one to a black one and "she" becomes Mike Meyer's portrayal of his mother-in-law Linda Rondale. Remove the wig, powder her face, add a bald cap and add a fake scar, and "Dr. Laura" becomes Dr. Evil. When he dies, it will be a sad day for comedy, but a good day for NBC. They will have a guaranteed 25% share for Saturday Night Live even though they are airing a clip show of Mike while he was still on it.

- Paul

"The cloning machine appears to be working properly, Dr. Evil. We've created many clones of you superior to Mini-Me, ranging from Mark McKinney's version of you in 'Brain Candy' to Lorne Michaels himself. And don't forget the millions of mental clones who have starting aping your, uh, distinguishing behavior."

"(sigh) Fine. But what about frickin' Dr. Laura?"

Number Two smiles in that cavalier way of his. "No one can stay up late enough to watch her show."

- Wubbie

I knew it! I knew it!

These daytime talk show guests are phonies!

Did anyone besides me notice that "Dr. Evil" looks suspiciously like "Charlie" from Jenny Jones' "I Married an Axe Murderer" episode last week?

Bah! Phonies!

- Mark Wentz

Here's a frightening possibility: What if Dr. Laura is Dr. Evil?

- CaptSheridan

Two violently incompatible dynamics are at work here, both ordained by immutable law of movie series formula, seemingly making a choice impossible, but actually pointing to an inevitable winner.

A) Doctor Evil cannot triumph. Unless it is some transitory victory, like capturing Austin Powers only to have him escape and foil his nefarious plans, Doctor Evil cannot come out ahead.

B) Doctor Evil cannot be wholly defeated. He must always live to plot, scheme and fail another day.

In this sense, Doctor Evil most closely resembles Wile E. Coyote (and the cartoonish action of the movies strengthens the similarity). This would make Doctor Laura the Road Runner, and I must admit there is some resemblance in her general stringiness. (I make no assumptions about her consumption of birdseed.) This means Doctor Laura must win, and defeat Doctor Evil in a rather silly way. My bet is that Scott takes his shot at her, but the bullet ricochets off her hair(her hairspray provider probably takes its motto from the almond growers: "A can a week is all we ask.") and after a comic 'zing!' or two across the studio winds up puncturing Doctor Evil's posterior.

Father ends up dragging son out of the studio by a twisted ear, walking more strangely than usual. "I'm cutting your allowance in half, young man--and no bullets for two weeks!" he scolds, as Doctor Laura cheers on this salutary act of parental discipline. Activist groups boycott her program for its on-air violence--but what else is new?

- Call me Shane

Here’s a little comparison that you may find enlightening:

LARRY FLYNT: He publishes the hard-porn magazine "Hustler". Having unfortunately perused a copy of this "magazine", I can personally attest that he gives pornography’s bad name a bad name. After viewing the gross cartoons, the penis puppet show and some of the skankiest women I have ever seen, I seriously considered a life of celibacy. He is a sleaze of the highest power.

For his efforts, he is now a hero of the First Amendment. They made a movie about his life called "The People vs. Larry Flynt" that portrayed him as an All-American hero. It even managed to turn Woody Harrelson into an Oscar nominee and Courtney Love into an actor. Larry has continued his championship of free speech by trying to shut up politicians he doesn’t like by publicly blackmailing them.

FLAG BURNERS: As a form of protest, they burn the American flag. The message apparently is that they hate America and what it stands for, including ironically their right to protest, speak and burn the American flag. Of course, they also expect the authorities to protect them from those that would also ignore the Constitution and kick the crap out of them.

For their actions, whenever someone wants to discuss the importance of the First Amendment and the need for the Freedoms of Speech, Assembly and Protest, these people are the first mentioned. In some circles, they also get high marks for their responsible fire suppression actions when they urinate on burning flags.

2 LIVE CREW: A bunch of no talent rappers that could take singing lessons from Vanilla Ice, they were condemned and arrested for expletive-ridden and sexually explicit lyrics in their music (and I use that term in the same way that Yoko Ono makes music). They were very proud to announce they were protecting children by recording both a "clean" and "dirty" versions of their music, which is great since any radio trying to play the dirty version would sound like the heart monitor of a flatliner (***BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP***).

Again, this group was praised for their battle against censorship. For their efforts, they sold millions of records which is millions more than they should have. Even today as people came to their senses and 2 Live Crew fell into the obscurity and bankruptcy they rightly deserved, MTV VJs and other music critics still praise them as music pioneers and rap innovators.

DR. LAURA: An irritating but legitimately popular radio personality, she has been on record making comments (take your pick) that greatly offended some people.

So you would expect people to come to her aid, right? Wrong! Some of those same people who came to the defense of the other three have learned the phrase "I don't believe in censorship but..." or, against all odds, have learned to shut their mouths and be quiet. Her opponents have actually convinced the Canadian government to censor her radio program so that nothing "offensive" emanates from her show with the government determining what is offensive. There have been several movements in the United States to take her off the air.

Dr. Laura can’t win. Or, to put it another way, when you put her together with Larry Flynt or 2 Live Crew, Dr. Laura gets screwed.


Yes, I didn't need that image in my head either. But it sure beats the naked Roseanne photo...

- Paul G.

Lets see. Do I vote for who gets shot or for doesn't? Does it mean the winner isn't shot or is it who is shot?! AH!!! I voted for Buchanan!!

- Inda Past

Considering the rock star attention the patricidal Menendez brothers have gotten in terms of marriage proposals from single women, I'd have to say the one bullet is reserved for Dad. The kind of attention in prison Scott would get by killing the homophobic Dr. Laura... well, let's just say it wouldn't be the same, and leave it at that.

- Mike Leung


How 'bout he makes Dr. Laura stand in front of his dad and shoots REALLY HARD?

- My name is Kenny

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

James Bond v. Indiana Jones
Bob Hartley v. Frasier Crane
Rush Limbaugh v. Howard Stern

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Next Match: Do you want to touch my monkey?
ETA: Monday, February 12th, 2001

© 2001, Dragon Hamster Productions, LLC