Steven Spielberg excuses himself from the meeting as the cleaning staff disposes of the remains of Steven Seagal and the paramedics load the seriously wounded Van Damme onto the gurney.
"Well that plan backfired, it'll be months before we start filming the McBain movie." Spielberg winds his way to the Dreamworks bathroom. He makes his way to the executive stall and enters, only to find his friend George Lucas already seated in what has turned out to be a well apportioned office. An office that seems to be occupied.
Brian Wright puts his besneakered feet up onto the top of his presidential desk and clamps his Bigass cigar between his teeth. Steve, a shadowy figure, lurks menacingly in the corner. Brian begins, "It seems that the time has come to make Grudge Match (The Movie) or GM. We have scoured Hollywood looking for the director most capable of making our vision a reality. You two are the finalists, but we cannot decide between you, so you are required to compete in a little 'contest.' All of your creations, your characters, your creatures, will battle it out here, in this bathroom. The survivor shall inherit the the Bigass movie contract. The loser? Well, lets just say we like closed-casket funerals here."
"But George and I are friends, why do you think we would be willing to kill one another over a mere movie contract?"
Steve steps forward holding a check. Upon the check is written a very, very large number; the "Pay To" line is blank."
"You know, George, with all of that money you spent sprucing up the special effects in the re-release of Star Wars, it's such a shame you couldn't do anything about the acting."
"Yeah, well at least I'm not continually brown-nosing the Academy with an annual 'feel good' movie written on predictable storylines. "
"We're going to settle this one Grudge Match style," says Steve, in his most sinister tone.
So, Joe, make a decision in this dicey directorial dust-up.
JOE: Oh, yeah, like this is even going to be a real match. Lucas and his army are going to walk all over Spielberg. Since it is a match between the directors and all their creations, this is going to be the biggest romp in Grudge Match history, which would certainly make a pretty good movie. I get dibs on playing the part of Chihuahua #27. Lucas made "Star Wars", a movie chock full of Jedi Knights and hot shot starfighter pilots. What could Spielberg possible put up against that? Oscar Schindler? What is he going to do? Enter the arena menacingly and valiantly save some Jewish people?
Let's face it, Spielberg is holding only two cards. The first is a bunch of war veterans from Saving Private Ryan, which is easily taken care of by thousands of Stormtroopers and those new robot things from "The Phantom Menace." The second thing that could give Team Lucasfilm any trouble would be the dinosaurs from Jurassic Park, but again, we have that covered. Lucas has Boba Fett, the baddest-ass bounty hunter in the galaxy, excluding the Predator of course...
After the Army of the Darkside walks all over Spielberg's pathetic dirt-bike mounted army of family programming (Oh no! Elliot just got his head cut off by a lightsaber!), the Big Man himself is going to get the call to come in and crush that overhyped, artsy-fartsy Academy-bribin' excuse for a director Spielberg. By the time "The Phantom Menace" hits theaters, Lucas should have enough money to buy himself a death star, which he will use to disintegrate El Spielbergo.
JEFF: The Stormtroopers? Don't make me laugh! They were defeated by an army of teddy bears for God's sake. Lets see how they stand up to an army of genetically-altered acid-resistant velociraptors. And as long as we are bringing in the armies of the dark side, I think Spielberg has done enough W.W.II movies to be able to call upon the Germans and the Japanese. Sure they may not have all of the fancy gadgets, but what they lack in technology they more than make up for in discipline and accurate marksmanship. Let's face it, if Adolph Hitler were to stick a gun to his head and pull the trigger, a Stormtrooper would still be killed in the crossfire.
As for Boba Fett, what kind of badass bounty hunter drives a flying sneaker? I'll put Indiana Jones and his dad up against Boba Fett any day. Boba Fett has all kinds of armor and gadgetry and still gets eaten by the stationary Saarlac. Jones Sr. took out a strafing Messershmidt with his umbrella. Now that's badass. Now the X-wings and Tie fighters are a bit more trouble, but big as the Dreamworks bathroom is, I doubt they will have sufficient room to maneuver at near lightspeed. Look for a big mass of smoking, twisted metal over by the urinals. Of course when the battle inevitably starts to turn against him, Lucas might try to call in his "ultimate" weapon -- the Death Star. Well the Death Star might be able to at least give Lucas a "both mangled and killed" sort of stalemate, but the Death Star has a pretty poor record (1W - 3L, if you include McClain and Enterprise). You see, it takes an awful long time to lock its weapons on target, and it tends to be susceptible to surprise attack. I see the odds better than even that a Giant Killer Asteroid, closely followed by a Space Shuttle Laden With Nuclear Weapons will manage to take out the Death Star.
And lets not for get the "T" family connection here. In this battle we will have not one, but two of the Maestro of Mayhem's relatives: E."T." and "T"-Rex. Well we have all seen ET's magical powers and superior technology and don't forget T-rex's appetite for lawyers and CEO's (and there is more than one T-rex now, too). I think a pretentious director is just the kind of snack old T-rex is looking for. Now if we can just find some fries to go with that.
JOE: "T" Factor my ass - Boba Fett hunts T-Rex's on his days off, and I'd like to see all that superior technology of E.T.'s help him out when Darth Vader does that Dark Side of the Force Neck Squeeze thing on him. Also, Lucas won't have to worry about Indiana Jones, because he's not fighting for Spielberg, he's actually on our side. George wrote the Indiana Jones movies, Spielberg only directed them, so Indiana and his dad are technically creations of Lucas. In fact, we have Triple Harrison Ford action going on, because not only did he play Han Solo, he was also in "American Graffiti", one of Lucas' earlier films.
Calling on the Germans and Japanese isn't going to help Spielberg, either. When all the Saving Private Ryan Americans see the Schindler's List Nazi's, all hell is gonna break loose, and Spielberg will lose all his troops. His whole side is going to have to be benched due to "internal conflicts."
As if that's not enough to work over Spielberg's army, Lucas can bring out his secret weapon - slapstick comedy. Quickly bringing in the cast of "Radioland Murders" and "Howard the Duck", they begin their wacky assault on Spielberg and his army. Spielberg and his army will have no defense against this because he lost his sense of humor years ago and started directing these horribly overdramatized pieces of crap like Amistad and Schindler's List. He will be helpless to the incessantly annoying attacks from Lucas Ultimate Weapon, Brian Benben.
JEFF: I think maybe we ought to review our Hollywood Chain of Command textbook again. The chain of command goes: Director, producer, actor/actress, supporting actor/actress, union liaison, investors, hairdresser, caterer, and somewhere down with all of the grunts, writer. When posed with a choice between supporting his director and supporting the script-writer, Jones will have no second thoughts about supporting his director. With regards to the Germans and Americans fighting, remember, all it takes is one good external enemy to unite any two factions, I think the army of the Dark Emperor qualifies. Alternatively, the Lucas brigade, relying so heavily on electrified gadgets, will be hopelessly lost when the aliens from Close Encounters turn on their electricity-nullifying fields. Lets see how well the Stormtroopers function without blasters.
And Boba Fett again? I know a certain Spielberg creation that eats bounty hunters for breakfast -- Literally! Just let Boba Fett get near a toilet. You will start hearing that ominous music. Before you know it, Jaws! has leapt from the bowl and consumed the pathetic Boba Fett. And by the way, if Roy Scheider can hit a submerged oxygen canister with a rifle, he can surely take a wrist rocket and hit the "off" button on Vader's fancy suit.
As for slapstick comedy, lets not forget the smash hit (well, at least compared to Howard the Duck) 1941. John Belushi, Dan Ackroyd, and others are more than a match for a pathetic Caroline in the bathroom. Remember, Belushi defeated Princess Leia in The Blues Brothers, he can take her down here too.
Special thanks to Mosselaar's Homepage for inspiring the Star Wars "crawl" formatting
and for providing the Star Wars scripts where we could find the original "crawl" text.
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In the midst of the chaos, Lucas himself swipes a nearby blaster and dispatches Spielberg personally. He wins the Grudge Match, but more importantly, he inherits the movie franchises that Spielberg lovingly built and overhyped. So in the not-too-distant future, look forward to seeing:
Jaws Episode 1: In this prequel (hey, can't get too much of a good thing, right), the audience learns that Jaws was once a friendly dolphin until he was turned to the dark side. One new feature that might be unsettling; Jaws is now able to talk, and he is voiced by Gilbert Gottfried. Fans criticize this selection, but Lucas just shrugs and says "Eh, he was willing to work for scale".
E.T. Episode 1: In this one, audiences will be shocked to discover that E.T. is actually *Elliot's father*!!!!!!!!!!!! Gasp!! A major marketing breakthrough will occur when Taco Bell finalized arrangements for the tie-in; a Reese's Pieces Taco.
Jurassic Park Episode 3: Sadly, this sequel to Jur. Park and The Lost World will feature less screen time for everyone's favorite prehistoric lawyer-killers. This screen time will be occupied by a bunch of cute yet (kinda) dangerous, lovable yet (sort of) menacing furry dinosaurs. Kids will love them, and think of the advertising revenues!
Schindler's List Episode 2: The Jews Strike Back. Yet to be writte, but catchy title, don't you think?
Saving Private Ryan Episode 2: For this film, Lucas plans to do away such film staples as dialogue, and plot. Instead, expect a 2 1/2 hour long battle scene, with eye-popping special effects and amazing sound. But since the audience doesn't know who is fighting whom, or why, this one will only garner a handful of Academy Awards at best.
- 1/2 Nelson
*deftly dodges a Fanboy who wants to verify that she's real and not just some figment of his imagination*
Thanks, I do appreciate your reply to me last week...I can't outrun these guys, and they're beginning to get annoying.
Anyway, here's why George Lucas will win.
Agreed, Steven Spielberg has gone soft lately - I saw Saving Private Ryan, and the ending was so warm and fuzzy it made me want to vomit. Well, so did the rest of the movie, but that's just me.
However, George Lucas has also gone soft.
*trips a Fanboy who's about to argue with her*
Why? Just look at the alien character of Jar-Jar Binks. While the original alien character of Chewbacca was a 7-foot tall shag carpet with the somewhat-ominous designation as "Wookiee", Jar-Jar is a 7-foot tall frog with the somewhat-ominous designation of "Gungan" which sounds like something little kids say.
So, who's the best? To determine this, we look at one thing - Satire.
If you watch The Phantom Menace closely enough, you'll notice that in the Imperial Senate scene when everyone's calling for a vote of no confidence in the current Supreme Chancellor, there are 3 little E.T.'s in a pod at the lower left-hand corner.
Clearly, Lucas is poking fun at Spielberg.
*steps aside as a charging Fanboy barrels towards her*
Or, you could argue that Lucas was too wussy to create his own alien characters...
But then again, since this chunk of movie happened fully seventy years before E.T. was released, we can only conclude that E.T. really came from the Star Wars universe after all.
*blows a kiss to every Fanboy lined up and watches them fight about who it was for*
Then again, I could get used to this. :)
- Mary :)
AKA The Chick with the Calculator-Watch
Saaaaaay, those are some good moves there. It seems The Force is with you Mary, but you are not a Jedi yet. Being an engineer, I can set you up with a HP48GS, though. That'll *really* put them into a frenzy. - Jeff
What is this? What is this? A couple of idiots who can't direct a movie where less than three-quarters of the budget is spent on special effects to compensate for their own lack of talent? Gentlemen, as an old-time Grudge Match veteran, I must tell you: Brian wouldn't do this. It's obviously just a setup so that the real talent can move in and kill these two, making hollywood safe for better sci-fi direction.
As our contestants begin to summon up their armies of storm troopers, homicidal sharks, muppets and starships, they notice the bathroom door swing in to reveal: James Cameron, with an entourage of aliens, terminators and Arnold Schwarzenegger (he needs the work, his film careers gone stagnant since the Batman That Must Not Be Named). Suddenly the effectiveness of, or lack thereof, all this toy-license fanboy fodder gets thrown into stark relief. Throw in a director who understands such advanced film techniques as "cinematography" or indeed "lighting," and I'm afraid our little box-office goldenboys are headed for a shallow grave in a swamp of their choice.
"Excellent work, Jimmy," says Brian, as he pats the Director Avenged on the back. "I think I have only one thing to say to you: SNIPER ONE DROP TARGET NOW!"
A bullet zings through, in no particular order, the window, the stall partition, Cameron's frontal lobe, and the hand dryer. It seems Ridley Scott was sightseeing on the watertower across the street, waiting for both the word to proceed and the signature on the check.
And as Cameron goes through the Big Fade Out, he hears Brian's words of advice whispered in his ear: "You should never have made Titanic, Jimmy."
- --Rosencrantz, Avenger of Those Dragged to Theaters by DiCaprio-crazed girlfriends
"So, once again you see, George," Speilberg says, smarmily, "There is nothing you can posess that I cannot take away."
"You're only a master of evil, Steven," Lucas says, trying to keep his cool. "If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine."
Just then, a helicopter lands. Out steps none other than schlock mogul Roger Corman!
"I'm here to direct crappy John Agar movies and kick ass," exclaims Corman the Barbarian, "And I'm all out of crappy John Agar movies!" Corman proceeds to smack both fighters in the back of the head with a billy-club and sign the check as quickly as possible.
"Woo-hoo! Alright, the coast is clear! Jonathan Haze, you'll be playing Steve! Peter Graves will be Brian! Jack Nicholson can be Pee-Wee with glass taped to his knuckles! Where are those little bat things?!"
- Vermin Boy
- The Interdimensional Energiser Super-Bunny (IESB)
Read on... - Eds.
- Predictable Response
- Denis "Not to mention Deep Impact" Moskowitz
This particular Star Wars-realted match is between George Lucas, the creator, producer and writer of all of the, plus director of two of them, and Steven Spielberg, who's closest thing to being involved in Star Wars was that R2D2 in the model of the Close Encounters ship. There were two other directors involved, and neither one's in this bathroom. They, of course, fell victim to the succubus.
Irwin Kershner directed Empire. You'd think directing a huge sequel would boost your career. Nope. After this he did the Never Say Never Again, a still-big but not Star Wars big sequel. Technically, it's not even part of the Bond canon. And after that he did Robocop 2, which was anticipated by maybe five people related to Peter Weller. And then he did some SeaQuest episodes. Fairly obvious nose dive here.
Richard Marquard directed Jedi. Afterwards, he did Jagged Edge, and then DIED MYSTERIOUSLY. How? Would you beleive pulsating teeth marks?! (OK, he didn't die that way, but maybe the teeth marks are hidden on the bottom of the foot.)
If that's not enough evidence, here's further proof of their talent decline: one of the last appearances Irwin Kershner has had was as an actor in On Deadly Ground, the most illogical of all Seagal films. The final creative act Richard Marquand had was cowriting Nowhere to Run, the most illogical of all Van Damme movies (although it was a squeaker to get this one past Street Fighter) and certainly the one with the most unfortunate butt shots.
Much like evil Jedis have masters and apprentices, Spielberg has learned the ways of the succubus from Lucas through the Indy movies. Look at Poltergeist and Goonies. Both obvious Speilberg movies, although Tobe Hooper and Chris Columbus technically directed them.
But what has he done lately to eat power like so many Energon cubes? He's done three movies in the last two years, and all of them were him. He's gotta be exhausted. Ripe for the sucking. Plus he's got a second Oscar, which Lucas doesn't have (although he's got enough money to pour molten gold over some naked bald guy whenever it bums him out).
George is hungry, and madder than the Committe to Eliminate Gungan Slapstick. He wants gold. And as we know from the Emperor/Vader relationship, the mentor can screw over the student whenever it's convenient. So without a doubt, Steven's going down. Although he'll probably direct the second and third prequels in the process.
- Kilgore Trout
Unfortunately for Spielberg, Lucas has with his latest movie finally made an ally tough enough to handle the kind of carnage Spielberg can dish out. I refer of course to Samuel L. Jackson, AKA Mace Windu. Obviously skilled in the arts of brutallity thanks to roles in such films as Pulp Fiction, his powers of violence are now boosted with the power of the Force to create an unstoppable warrior. With a few swipes of his new lightsaber ("When you absolutely, positively got to kill every motherf**ker in the room, accept no substitutes!") he will casually cut his way through the massed forces of Spielberg's minions, with the occasional complaint about how hard it is to clean up skull being his only reaction to gore that would turn the stomach of any other Lucas character. So Lucas pulls out of this one with a narrow victory thanks to a fortunate hire, but he should feel damn lucky about this victory.
- "Mad Dog" Mike
Spielberg's armies are pretty damn scary. The Nazis may have lost but at least they understood the rudiments of a fortified defense, intelligence gathering, and a covered offense. And Danny Glover was ten times scarier in The Color Purple than James Earl Jones will ever be in those phone book commercials.
I say, so long as Herr Schindler doesn't stop for a drink and someone keeps a muzzle on Jeff Goldblum, Spielberg wins in a walk.
- Loss Leader
"Tracer...TRACER!...You will vote for Lucas."
Huh? Who said that...?
"You will vote for Lucas, Tracer. It is your destiny!"
No...NO!! That's not true! That's impossible!!
"Search your feelings, you know it to be true!"
- Tracer "turned to the dark side" Malone
- THERE ARE NO DOLPHINS IN THE NORTH ATLANTIC.
He's now over 6 feet tall and also in the entertainment business; he knows his way around Hollywood. Since you were nice to him, he will be only too glad to sway the contest. Lastly, remember that super-conman, the one who talked his way into the film production program at Cornell?
He's now a producer of (ugh) B-Movies. At least his mother is proud of him. You want Spielberg to win? Talk to them, baby, it's a done deal.
- Jeff's Dad
Unfortunatly, a massive ad campaign was set up by Pizza Hut, Taco Bell, KFC, Wal-Mart, Tampax, and Trojan Condoms(complete with keen stunts and special effects!). It was announced that George Lucas and all of the Star Wars characters would be in the Men's Room, signing autographs.
The door is thrown off its hinges, and hordes of screaming, pimply faced, unshaven louts stampede into the room. If you want RAGE, look no further than a bunch of sexually frustrated Fan-Boys looking for some action. The Star Wars cult rips all over the Lucas-Army, ripping everything apart that looks collectible. By the time the massacre is over, the men's room resembles a slaughterhouse. Both armies have been destroyed. Even the soapcakes that Chewbacca may or may not have pissed on are being sold in the streets for 20 bucks apiece.
Two great movie creators and their marvelous creations destroyed by legions of merchandise-hungry fans. The Irony is sickening.
Speilberg wins, simply because he wasn't the one who subjects us to this mayhem.
- Very Bitter Young Man
On George Lucas' side, the Death Star.
On Steven SpielBurg's side, Jaws.
Jaws eats boats. A boat is a small ship. The Death Star is a ship. Jaws will eat the Death Star.
"Sir, we're picking up a large Ithichioid in the waste disposal recepticle..." - Nameless Lt. #39
- Paul "Evil Canadian #2" Martin
Not my two favorates pitted against one another...
I cant decide.. one has beautiful Darth Maul and the Star Wars people..
The other has my beautiful Velociraptors and Tyrannosaurs..
I can't decide... this.. this is just.. wrong.
Here's what I see happening: Lucas and Spielberg size each other up. And just when they're about to strike...a reporter asks Lucas for yet another interview about his stupid movie. Lucas turns and Spielberg starts clubbing him with his Best Director Oscar. Just when it seems Lucas is finished he's saved by the most vile of all his creations. That's right, a group of obsessed Star Wars fans, worried that if Lucas is injured there won't be Episodes 2 and 3 (and, God help us, 7,8, and 9) attack Spielberg from behind and beat him to a pulp with their just purchased Phantom Menace action figures. So, Lucas wins, but at what cost?
- King of No Media
The results weren't pretty...
- Nicky Lewer
- Matt Bricker
Joe, this is God...What the heck were you thinking? Even after your humiliating defeat last week, you persist in supporting the Star Wars side...And you mentioned "Howard the Duck" as a good thing...
Let me explain something to you. Speilburg will win because I want him to. That right Divine Intervention(tm) the Ulatamate Force(tm). Do you know why I'm going to intervine? Because Steven respects me, and Georege doesn't.
All of Steve's films have nice Judeo-Christian messages. Killing Jews (Schindler's List) BAD! Desecrating holy artifacts (Indiana Jones) BAD!
Now lets look at George. In Phantom Menace, he has the gaul to give Anikan an emaculate conception. Nuh-uh. Thats my turf pal. And your giving this to Anakin aka Darth Vader, aka Evil Incarnate. George, watch out for stray lightning bolts, alright.
PS I,ve mad an eleventh comandment"
"THOU SALT NOT PISS ME OFF"
- God...I told you that earlier, weren't you listening?
Come to think of it, that would have been more fun to watch than the cloying Ewok scenes from Return of the Jedi. "Watch, as the fanatical Ewok soldiers, driven to a homicidal frenzy by their god C3PO, conduct a mass frontal assualt on the Stormtrooper positions. Thousands of Ewoks are martyred in horrible fashion, but they distract the Stormtroopers long enough for Han and the gang to sneak into the bunker and blow up the shields."
Hey, it's better than "Cute Ewoks defeat crack interstellar troops with logs and rocks," which was the best Lucas could come up with.
The battle will rage on, but without the directors or their assailants. Vader leaves to meet with Rupert Murdoch to renegotiate his contract, while Belushi wings off to bomb Dan Aykroyd's house in reprisal for Blues Brothers 2000.
- Call me Shane
Brian: Gentlemen, Lets get ready to rumble!!
As hordes of historical and otherworldly characters clash, the spacious bathroom is filled with the cries and explosions of battle. The death toll quickly mounts, including several studio temp-workers who picked this most unfortunate time to enter.
Brian: Enough fighting everyone, we have all the
Brian: Really, do you think we would spend that kind of money on this film if we could get all the violence and action we needed for free?
Steve: We're doing this entire movie as a hidden camera thing. Your fight today will make an excellent climactic battle...
Spielberg and Lucas are now both quivering with The
unearthly light envelopes the two. Their forms merge
they fuse into a single super-entity: Steorge
Brian: Ummm...I trust you two,er,one, will take this little joke with gentle good humor.
The various minions summoned by Lucas and Spielberg now begin to fuse as well. Stormtroopers fuse with raptors. E.T. fuses with Yoda. The rancor fuses with the T-rex. "Encounters" aliens fuse with Jawas.EWOKS FUSE WITH NAZIS.R2-D2 FUSES WITH A GERMAN TANK!!!
Steve: Oh dear...
Several minutes later the bathroom is eerily silent, filled with smoke and bodies. Steve stands victorious, atop the smoking hulk of "R-tank-D2". The sound of a cracking skull echos throughout the chamber as Brian dispatches of one final "stormraptor".
Steve: These foes were powerful, but they were no
match for us.
Brian: Too bad we had to destroy their physical bodies. Luckily their essences have been returned to the "Grudge Dimension". Ground Zero can still summon them for future matches.
Steve: Speaking of which, who won this match anyway.
Brian: Geez, your right. We'll have to do another match. (thinks for a moment)...How about H.P. Lovecraft vs. Jane Austen?
- Exar Kun, disembodied sithlord
Whose side is Harrison Ford going to be on, anyway?
- Jeff the stupid question man
Hmm, well...this question was left a bit unresolved, we had best consult the experts - Eds.]
Spielberg is the one wearing the "Indiana Jones and the somethingsomething" hat. So, clearly, he must be the one that controls Indiana and his father, Illinois.
Wrong! Why would the controller bother wearing a hat? The controller owns all, so why bother with a freakin' souvenir? Fat slob fans and bench warming players are the ones that wear the sports teams hats -- not the owners, who after the game hop into their ferrari featuring the team colors and logo.
No, Lucas clearly controls Indiana Jones. Spielberg is apparently the movie business equivalent of your friend's 5-year-old nephew. "Look! I got a hat!" The reason these two are pictured together is because Spielberg is probably hitting him up for an autograph. "Yeah... it's for my daughter." Lucas in a rout.
- Brian (tm)
Well, there you have it... - Eds.
- Shaft (Strong am I with the force... but not that strong. -Yoda)
But no problem there - an even better director is waiting in the wings! I refer, of course, to the director of "Round About Tomkins County", the cable-access show on which Steve and Brian appeared. I mean, I'm not even sure what the name of this young talent is, but the way (s)he focussed in on the nonagenarian host while she was trying to hack up a lung was sheer dramatic genius.
Man, we should see if we can get some RealVideo of that up here, eh, Hotbranch?
- Thinkmaster General
Want to know more? Well, you'd better go wait in line for tickets to the long-awaited release of Grudge Match: the Movie!!!
- ~the Stranger
We can assume that Jedi mind tricks don't work on velociraptors, but enough heavy weaponry does that they're effectively neutralized unless a bloody chunk of stormtrooper hits someone in the head. Indiana Jones has worked for both of them, so he has to sit this one out.
Leaving them out, what does Lucas have left? Howard the Duck, the punk teenagers from American Graffitie, left over Ewoks from the TWO additional Ewok TV movies he made (he should loose just for that), and the people from Willow who would be the only effective group he has left.
Who does Speilburg have? Everyone! The aliens in Close Encounters of the Third Kind (who were really the ID4 alien scouts), the aforementioned World War 2 veterins from all sides, Peter Pan and Captain Hook (with the added bonus that Peter Pan is Robin Williams who isn't allowed to loose according to his contract), E.T. (who also has the Force), Gremlins (who just ate Lucas's Ewoks anyways), the ghosts from Poltergeist, more dinosaurs from The Land Before Time, and of course Bruce the Shark (who will probably just have to wait until someone stumbles into his mouth).
Now, if by some miracly Speilburg's mighty army is, say, turned into pigs, it's still not over because Speilburg can bring into play the ultimate weapon, though it would surely destroy them all. For when Speilburg brings forth Oprah, her legions of fans will storm the building shredding any creature that dares get into their path. Yes, it will be a hollow victory should he have to call upon that almighty destructive force, but it would be a victory.
- Joel Mathis
Add to this the style of the two great men. Spielberg tells great stories from life, or in science fiction. Lucas, on the other hand, tells stories in the tradition of legend... fairy tales, if you will.
Nothing is so greatly ingrained into the human psyche as fairy tales. Greek legend, Aesop's Fables, The Brothers Grimm, Hans Christian Andersson... these stories have the power of collective human conciousness behind them.
And Lucas is their mouthpiece for our generation. Speilberg hasn't a hope.
Ok here's how I see it. Both directors assemble their armies into the bathroom, and just as they are about to give the order to attack they both get the same idea.
George: Hey Seve you thinking what I'm thinking?
Steve: (Evil Grin) Probably.
Without another word the two titans order their armies to attack the CEO and his goons. After the dust has cleared George and Steve stand together holding the check for absurd amounts of money and use it and the already assembled armies to shoot the greatest film of all time making them both rich... err well richer than they already are.
- Zaphod Beeblebrox
Lucas: Total amateur that hides it by playing up to the audience. He just kisses the audiences ass a lot, and apparently they like it...
So just to preface it: I hate both these guys. With an undying passion. One produced Star Wars. Which, in of itself is not a bad thing, but has spawned the most feared an annoying creation in the galaxy: The fanboy. Oh yeah, you know what I'm talking about. The fanboy. Typical characteristics include having lots of pimples, no dates, and seeing the sub-par(tm) Phantom Menace 38573957 times in a two day time span. And I take it back, the fan boy is not feared, just irksome. Kind of like the whole Ricky Martin thing when you think about it.
Okay, and Speilberg? Thanks to him, I'm now automatically
racist if I
A. A black
B. A Jew
C. A self-righteous bastard.
I'm glad that he made those movies. Because now, even though I am NOT white, I am a racist. And Jurassic Park 2? Kiss my ass Speilberg.
Okay, now that I've bored you to tears with why I hate these two guys, I'd have to (and did) give Lucas the win. Why?
He's got a fucking STAR empire at his disposal. Granted, WW2 is cool and all, and give the Nazis updated weapons and training and it might be different, but REALLY....gimme a break.
Remember: I HATE STAR WARS (despite knowing as much as most fanboys about it). That beings said Bobba Fett could wipe the Floor (tm) with ET, the T-REX, and those Close Encounter wierdos all at the SAME TIME. Probably while wiping his ass at the same time. The you've got the Death Star, the Empire, Indina Jones, need I go on? And come ON.....is Bobba Fett really gonna go near a toilet and have JAWS pop out? I mean, what the fuck?
So basically Lucas' cronies take it in about three seconds after the Death Star blasts earth back into the Jurassic era....and then bad movies and crappy "cute" characters (*cough*cough*JARJAR*cough*) take over what's left of the galaxy........
- The Undertaker
TarantinoOkay, Chubby, when you mess up George's hair, that'll be his signal to lie down.
The bell rings, and both shirtless, middle-aged directors waddle into the ring. Spielberg takes his glove and rubs the top of Lucas's head, messing up his hair.
LucasYou messed up my hair! That makes me mad!
Lucas's fists start whirling like a combine. Spielberg covers his face, but Lucas pokes him in the stomach. Spielberg covers his stomach, but Lucas pokes him in the face. Lucas then starts windmilling his right hand, only to knock Spielberg out with a left jab.
Spielberg wakes up bound and gagged in a dank cellar, blood clotting on the tape covering his mouth.
TarantinoSteven, I'm working on the sequel to Pulp Fiction, and I've decided to give a face to the Gimp.
SpielbergER ER ER!
Tarantine picks up a single-edged razor from a table.
TarantinoI like to work to music. I hope you don't mind if I turn on my favorite radio station.
Camera pans left.
SpielbergER ER ER!
Fade to black.
- Mike Leung
The only real powerful combatants in the LucasFilm camp are the Star Wars characters. However, they will not prevail. Spielberg will send the combined forces of the aliens from ET and Close Encounters. Their main purpose will be to distract the enemy with a fancy light show and disable their weapon systems (by using that UFO power that stops all manner of engines and electrical equipment). Plus the ET race can use their strange psychical powers to disrupt the Force.
With the Star Wars ships adrift and the Death Star's systems offline, Spielberg sends in his real weapon - a Texas-sized mountain of pure destructive energy otherwise known as the asteroid from Armageddon. With the Death Star inactivated, it is powerless to stop the asteroid. Don't doubt for a minute the power of the asteroid. According to an article in Sky & Telescope, such an asteroid would, on impact, unleash an explosion the likes of which have not been seen since the final stages of planetary formation nearly four billion years ago. This would not have to hit an exhaust port to destroy the Death Star.
The resulting explosion will destroy all of the LucasFilm characters. Unfortunately, Team Spielberg will not enjoy their victory as they too will be incinerated in the blast. With LucasFilm and Team Spielberg out of the way, the Grudge Match movie will be handed over to James Cameron. He will, of course, be eternally grateful for the job since he will definitely need the money once Linda Hamilton cleans him out in the divorce.
- The Demented Astronomer
The door to the restroom slams open. James Cameron stalks in followed closely by The Terminator, Ripley, Jamie Lee Curtis, and Leo DiCapprio. "Why the hell wasnt I told of this," he yells, "This movie should go to ME!"
The battle starts again. Ripley rips the head off of C3PO, while Jamie Lee Curtis gets a hookshot into Leia. Suddenly the crowd hears someone yell, "I'M THE KING OF THE WORLD!". They all look over and see lovely Leo standing over a dead Ewok. The crowd is stunned. Of course there is the obligatory 5 minutes of teary sadness over the dead furball. Leo (trying to look tough with his Jennifer Aniston looks) stands there wondering why everyone is looking at him with shear loathing. After all he IS Leo DiCapprio, obsession of 9 year old girls everywhere. Finally, The Terminator, Luke Skywalker and Private Ryan break ranks, band together, and rip poor Leo limb from limb, leaving a bloody mess on the floor. The crowd cheers. (And the readers cheer as well)
The battle starts again. This time more bloody and violent than before. Steve and Brian sit on their urinals laughing with maniacal glee at what they have wrought. Everyone is so busy fighting, that nobody notices the window slowly sliding open. Wooody Allen slips in quietly, followed by all of his whiny self-obsessed characters. He directs the movie, Starring himself, Diane Keaton, and Alan Alda. The Critics love it! They give it the best reviews of the year. But as any movie goes knows: if the critics love it, it probably sucks. Therefore, Grudgematch the Movie goes on to be the biggest box office bomb of all time. Steve and Brian remain on their urinals forever wondering how their great idea had gone so horribly wrong.
Guess who will win an Oscar ?
First, take both the Death Stars. First Have Han Solo, Chewie and Luke fly one. You see, Luke was the only thing that was able to destroy it. Now that he has the force, he has the power to control it. On the other one, let the emperor and Darth Vader control it. With this a duel mission is accomplished. One Vanquished ET's homeworld, and the other vanquishes Earth. The usage of the Force will be enough to get rid of any meteor that will come near them. This gets rid of all the problems that you have with Jurrasic Park, Jaws and stuff like that. Also if in someway Lucas does end up on the losing side, their is one other factor to remember. Cloning. The Clone Wars are what decimated the Jedi. They still have the technology, and can clone more. If it's desperate, Just clone a bunch of Jedi, or better yet a bunch of irate Wookies.
However, this is not 2 weeks ago. Having seen Episode I, I will now give the win to Lucas. That movie is chock full of USEFUl combatants! Heck, Qui-Gonn, Obi Wan and Darth Maul could take the whole spielberg army by themselves while Luke sits in the corner and whines about it! And the battle droids are not only decent shots (compared to stormtroopers), but I doubt the M1 garand rifle is gonna do anything but scratch their paint. AND they bring along theor cousins, the destroyer droids.
Of course, they do have the misfortune of having Jar Jar on their side...
They are in a bathroom. That rules out a lot of the competition. No dinosaurs, no starfighters or close encounter spaceships, no death star, you get the idea. That leaves people. Okay, Speilberg has lots of soldiers at his disposal, but Lucas has all the stormtroopers. I gotta go with soldiers on this one, but it will be close.
The Jedi will easily handle whatever is left. They are perfect for bathroom combat, I can just see the guy with the rife in the stall standing on the toilet trying to line up a shot over the wall that just gets deflected by a lightsaber anyway. Then, another lightsaber comes through the door and lops his leg off.
Also, how many Jedi have died that were not killed by
Jedi must be killed by other Jedi, something I'm afraid that Speilberg can't touch. So basically, the Jedi are the only threats to each other, and you're putting them on the same team!
Sorry Speilberg, The Force(TM) is not with you.
Steven Spielburg is indeed poweful, but you're forgetting ONE thing... George Lucas has made millions, nay, BILLIONS from selling the same plot over and over and over again. Star Wars, Phantom Menace, Willow, it's all the same. All have frighteningly similar plots... Young Person Saves All From Evil. Ooh, how original...
As I have proven that much, I can delve further into an evil, mystic force. One that few utilize and even fewer comprehend: the Vortex of Shitty Sequels. Since Lucas is selling the same movie over and over again, one thing is frighteningly clear: Lucas is the Dark Lord of the Vortex of Shitty Sequels.
With this great, evil power, Lucas crushes Spielburg like that trash compactor should've crushed Luke, Han, Leia, and Chewie... Spielburg is left for dead. Then he starts a new life in Mexico as Bart Sanchez. The end. Or not.
- Colonel Zippo Kanaza
Stormtroopers vs Red-Shirted Ensigns (it's fun imagining all those pitiful fools blowing each other to the next galaxy over; gives a new depth to the phrase "cannon fodder". Grudgement Day? This. Guys, you have dishonerably betrayed the Grudge Match and all it stands for; you made it into a cheap commercial stunt. Shame on you.
BTW, about that Harrison Ford action, my guess is that Indy Jones shoots himself by accident. Let's face it, both lose in this scenario. If either the "Graffiti" ford or Han Solo get killed, Indy is canceled due to a time anomaly as Ford is erased from existance. Due to the inavailability of Ford (if he gets killed as Solo), Spielberg has his reputation ruined by some no-talent overweight hack pretending to be Indy Jones, and (if he gets killed as the "Graffiti" guy), Han Solo sucked so much, Star Wars never left the ground, and people wouldn't ever watch a sci-fi movie ever again. Before SW4, most sci-fi flicks were failures. Wow, that's kinda scary. Imagine a "Dirty Harry" movie being the only type in fashion!
- The Colonel
Sure, Spielberg has directed Tom Hanks, Dustin Hoffman, Sean Connery, and Harrison Ford. Lucas, to his credit, has directed Ron Howard, Richard Dreyfuss, Sir Alec Guinness, and Harrison Ford.
BUT, neither Lucas nor Spielberg has directed either of the two elite members of the acting fraternity: Chris Elliot and Bill Murray.
You don't get into the Baseball Hall-of-Fame without winning the World Series, you don't get on Springer without being in a dysfunctional family, and you shouldn't get to direct the Grudge Match movie without having directed "A"-list actors.
By choosing two incompetent directors, Steve(TM) and Brian(TM) have lowered the bar for all of us trying to follow in their WWWF footsteps.
- Mark Wentz
1) Assuming all the good guys will work with their
creators, and they only use their good guys; Jedi vs WW2
Vets. Now I
have huge respect for the WWII vets, but mystically powerful
can lift spaceships with the very concentration of their
could certainly make tanks and airplanes drop on their
are no battle tactics that could counter that, despite ET's
attempt at making one of the tanks hover.
2) Even if the good guys were evenly matched, which director
best keep their "bad guys" focused on their enemy. Here's
things really break down. Lucas has the dark side of the
tangle with. Formidable forces for sure, but if Lucas can
badass with the voice of James Earl Jones and decide that
just a pasty white guy in a suit, you know who's calling the
there. Typical Spielberg enemies are Nazis. Indiana Jones,
Schindler's List and Private Ryan all employed Nazis as the
baddy. Here's the thing, though: Spielberg's Jewish. Does
honestly think a bunch of Nazi Germans are ever gonna follow
Jewish guy? Okay maybe it's possible that Hitler WAS part
one point, but... Let's just say that there will probably be
For the sheer invention of Jar Jar Binks, Lucas will lose this one. As Jar Jar tries to do his best Rasta-Roger Rabbit impression, the Warner Brothers (and sister) will be piling Bologna down his slacks at the same time Buster, Babs and the gang are tying his ears together and Pinky and the Brain take over the Gungan villiage.
Advantage: Spielberg. However, while the cartoon kiddos are still goofing off for the camera, the battle will have already been lost.
In the end, through the meelee of the battle, noone will have noticed that the statue of Scorsese that the GoodFeathers were sitting on was actually Scorsese himself. Whomsoever was in the lead as the battle wears down subsequently has the dynamic duo of Pesci and Deniro popping a cap in their skull.
The real winner: Martin Scorsese (and who could ask for a more violent director for "Grudge Match the Movie"?)
- Hurricane Andrew
- Duc de Nevers
- Queen Amidala
"I need this contract, Francis. You know I can do it. But no one cares for independent films anymore... they want hacks like Spielberg. They want special effects instead of story. But this Grudge Match movie, it's ALL story, and I'm the only one who should make it. But the critics, the studios... they don't care! If I don't get this movie contract.... what am I going to do, what am I going to do?? WAAAAAHHHH!!!!"
"Godfather" Coppola jumps from behind his desk and screams at his former protege. "YOU CAN START ACTING LIKE A MAN!! A MAN!! What's with this cryin', boo-hoo- hoo... have I taught you nothing?" Coppola slaps Lucas across the face. "START ACTING LIKE A MAN! Never come into this office crying like a baby again!"
Brought low, Lucas quickly dries up. "I need your help, Francis."
"You were right to bring this matter to your
Now give me a day, I'll
have my men talk to Spielberg and your problem will be
"What are you going to do, Francis?"
"I'm gonna make 'im an offer he can't refuse."
The next morning, at dawn... Steven Spielberg sleeps in his multi-million dollar compound. He slowly comes awake and feels the familiar shape of Kate Capshaw next to him under the covers. Then he notices he smell... and the curious red stain on his sheets. Then he remembers: Kate was gone for the week. But what was tha...
Spielberg sees that he's covered in blood. He reaches over and pulls away the sheets, only to discover that "Kate" is the severed, bloody head of E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial
AAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHHH!!!! WWWAAAAAARRRGGGGGHHHH!!!! AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Later that day, Lucas accepts the contract by default, as Spielberg has left the country.
- Chris 'Jedi' Knight Capo de Tuti Capi of the Sith Mafia(tm)
There's no Porn on this page, what the hell am I doing here?
If you liked this match, check out these other past
James Bond v. Indiana Jones
Worst Director Academy Award
Other Star Wars based Grudge Matches
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