While reaching for his next drink, Mr. T accidentally spills it all over Mr. Clean. Mr. Clean jumps to his feet in anger! Mr. T, who is already primed for a fight, jumps to his feet as well. The rage glints in both of their eyes--it is clear that only one will walk out of the bar in one piece. Brian, who do you like in this traditional bar-room brawl?
[We realize this is a truly bizarre match. However, we both liked it, so that's all that really matters.]
Besides, just look at the jewelry. Mr. T has got a good 75 pounds weighing him down when he's out on the town like this (he's about to OG), while all Mr. Clean has is the one hoop earring (which, by the way, he's had since high school. That's how he learned to fight).
Moe, the bartender, calls a TKO after 90 seconds (at which point he is overhead saying "What'z da mattah, Mistah T?")
STEVE:You can take your chance on Mr. Clean, but I pity the poor fool who don't pick Mr. T. Mr. Clean is soft from his many years of leeching off innocent homemakers. Others do all the work, and he always jumps in at the last minute and takes all the credit. Kind of like Clinton.
Mr. T. is an experienced fighter. He was once the heavyweight champ, after all. He also had a lot of experience bashing in heads with his A-Team cronies. He's got the eye of the tiger back--he's certainly learned his lesson from Rocky III. The way I see it, Mr. Clean will give a clean hit to Mr. T. T turns his head to lessen the blow, and the rage builds within him. A quick one-two to Mr. Clean leaves him wobbly. T starts working Clean's stomach while the stunned Clean helplessly tries to defend himself. T finishes with an uppercut to Clean's jaw, and Clean is out before he hits the floor. T in under a minute.
BRIAN: First of all, for using the overly-obvious 'I pity the fool' reference in the first sentence of your rebuttal, you recieve a 10 minute mute penalty.
Second, I see that your week off hasn't cleared up your thinking any. O.K., let's just ignore the fact that Mr. T is weighted down with gold. Let's just ignore the fact he's half drunk (Mr. Clean is, of course, completely sober. That's how he got the name 'Mr. Clean'). I've already covered the rage thing ('eye of the tiger'), and that's a push, as I so eloquently stated previously. Oh, and if Mr. Clean never does any work, how did he get so big? Honestly, Steve, I think you need a longer vacation. (I highly recommend the Whispering Willow Breezy Pines Sancitorium for Crazy People (TM). And don't tell anyone there you think Mr. T would win, or they may not let you out.)
STEVE: I have but one more point to make. Just look at that picture of Mr. Clean. As you are so fond of saying, "'nuff said."
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All in all, I predict Mr. Clean will put up a good fight with raw native strength and talent, but in the end, Mr. T will emerge victorious.
T will probably try to say that pity the fool line but won't even have it completed by the time Clean had hit him with the stool. This match clearly will not last 5 seconds.
Homer was cleaning the basement once when the fumes got to him. Mr. Clean as well as the scrubbing bubbles and other cleaning mascots jumped out of the bottles and attacked Homer. Mr. Clean kicked the crap out of that fat waste.
Mr. T appeared as a member of a secret society that Homer belonged to. When everyone in the club got sick of Homer, and they couldn't kick him out, Mr. T's only solution was to quit the club and make a new one. This worthless coward couldn't even stand up to Homer J. Simpson, and for that, I give him no respect.
The result, Mr. Clean in under 5 minutes, and then BAM, right out the door and off to Bourbon Street and a bunch of cheap women.
Both of these guys are in the business of saving those who can't save themselves: As part of the A-Team, Mr. T took on any fool who'd dare mess with innocent, clean living people; Mr. Clean has been helping homeowners get tough on dirt on a daily basis.
Both have faced hardship: Mr. T has had his ups (A-Team, cartoon show, movie and WWF contracts), and downs (career down the drain, losing to Rocky); Mr. Clean has basically been on 24 hour call to bust dirt every day of his entire life.
Both are in their element: I believe Mr. T started out as a bouncer at a bar, while the spilled beer and dark-and-dirty atmosphere of the bar itself might just put Mr. Clean into a berzerker rage.
Both have choice hairstyles: Mohawk vs. Shaved Pate.
Both are huge: Mr T. huge, enhanced by huge gold chains; Mr. Clean huge and buff with muscles on display for all too see.
Let's face it, they're very evenly matched, and they're basically good guys who've been down on their luck and turned to drink. And we all know what happens when two huge good guys fight; they knock each other around just enough so that they're both damaged. Then, they suddenly both realize that they shouldn't be fighting each other, they should go back to taking on dirt and grime, back to tossing seedy looking villains through windows and into tables, back to saving the innocent from both dirt AND treachery.
It is at this point that they will look around the bar. Dirt and grime are everywhere. And the patrons - seedy villains up to no good. For the next ten minutes T and Clean take on everyone else, mopping up the bar (or what's left of it after they're done fighting each other) and then heading off to do good elsewhere. In the ensuing carnage, we get to see all of the standard big guy versus many little guy/barroom fight cliches - getting hit by a chair from behind then turning around and smacking the guy, throwing guys onto the bar so they slide through some drinks, chucking someone into the mirror and saying something about 7 years bad luck. In a surprise reversal of roles, Mr. T will grab a mop and bust some dirt, while Mr. Clean takes a page from T's book and starts grabbing bad guys in groups of three and throwing them through the windows and into tables. The battle over, they go on their way, having been reaffirmed.
I vote for both Mr. T AND Mr. Clean.
[We prefer "Captain Toke" to "seth." Just a *few* brain cells gone from this boy... -Ed]
Mr. Clean makes the first move and Mr. T avoids Clean's first parry by ducking to the side. Norm and Cliff start making bets on who will win. Cliff starts blowing wind about what a superior physical being Mr. Clean is and Vera proceeds to sucker punch Cliff, forcing him to shut up for the first time in the history of Cheers; the crowd goes wild. Mr. T and Mr. Clean exchange a few jabs and the noise in the bar raises some more when it is discovered that Cliff would have to have his jaw wired shut.
Mr. T gets in a right-left-right combination that has Clean staggering backwards. When Mr. Clean shakes it off, he starts a run at Mr. T's midsection. Mr. Clean misses as T dodges the bald projectile; Clean ends up running past Mr. T who grabs at Clean's earring and pulls it clean off, causing Clean's earlobe to tear. Mr. T is now slightly more crazed than usual because he sees some of his victim's blood. Clean stops running and stands up, touching his hand to his bleeding ear. As Mr. Clean realizes what has happened, he drops to his knees and starts scrubbing at the stains he has left. That is the fight-ending mistake. T, wanting desperately to win a fight, starts kicking at Mr. Clean in brutal LAPD fashion. The crowd, sensing the end is near, starts making still more noise.
The increased noise in the bar forces the 90210 kids to leave the Peach Pit (which is conveniently next door to the action) and complain. The cast of Cheers sees the new arrivals and they attack without warning in merciless badger-like fashion (Sam is especially brutal with previous Grudge Match loser Luke Perry). When the smoke finally clears, Mr. Clean is listed in critical condition in ICU at Chicago Hope (where they reattached the wrong ear), Mr. T is signed to a multi-million dollar contract with Don King, the plastic surgeons of Beverly Hills are deluged with requests to do emergency housecalls, and doctors forget to remove the wire from Cliff's jaw. Aren't happy endings wonderful?
Clean returns with a mop and some of his merchandise, and starts cleaning the floor. T sneaks up and lays a swift punch to Clean's back, who jabs T in the stomach with the end of the mop. T retches violently on the nearest table, inciting a gasp from Clean. Clean rushes over and begins cleaning the table. T wastes no time and picks up the mop. He rushes over, and hits Clean on the head, breaking the handle. He strikes again, jamming the broken end into Clean's stomach, causing gallons of undigested alchohol and several pints of blood to seek escape. Mr. Clean's last words are, "No, not on the carpet!"
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