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Mary Poppins vs. Maria Von Trapp Responses, The Sequel

These responses ran considerably longer than most, but we could not, in good conscience, exclude them. Therefore, we decided to include them on this page because they met our requirements for humor, orginality, and because they bribed us like we were Olympic officials. People with short attention spans may want to leave now.

Maria takes the first shift, trying to sing Damien to sleep with "My Favorite Things". Damien appears soothed, but then grabs a pitchfork and rams it into her right eye. "Sing BARNEY!!!" he shrieks at her. Gushing blood profusely, Ms. Von Trapp begins to warble "I Love You, You Love Me", much to Damien's delight.

Mary takes the next shift and decides to put Damien's aggressive tendencies to good use to help him clean his room. She snaps her fingers and sends a plethora of blocks flying to the toy box. Damien glares at her bug-eyed. "The power.." he mutters. "The power of good cannot prevail..." He then snaps his fingers and sends his cannonball collection hurtling towards her. Her screams are muffled by the smack of the cannonball against her head. She lies unconscious on the ground.

Five and a half hours, two hand grenades, twelve razor blades, nine Iron Maidens, and three falling pianos later, a doorbell rings. In her full-body cast, Von Trapp glares at Poppins (complete with two broken arms, a ruptured spleen, and an ulcer the size of Mexico City), and mutters hoarsely, "Could you get that?" Poppins grins, and slides down the banister, only to slip on the grease that was put there by the hiding Damien. Poppins hoists herself up and totters to the door. She opens the door to find a flashy-dressed, slutty- looking woman with long, curly black hair.

“HI!” she said (though it seemed like a yell) in her nasally, Brooklyn voice. “I’m Fran! Sorry I’m late! I’m here for the Nanny position…”

“Rightthisway.” Mary said quickly, practically dragging Fran Fine from the doorway and up the rickety stairs to the nursery where Damien finally lay asleep in his crib, his Lucifer doll nestled under his arm.

“Aww, what a cutie!” Fran whispered. Mary looked horrifically at her. “Yeahsurewhatever.” Mary ran into the next room, threw all of her stuff into her bag, picked up her broken umbrella and ushered the busted-up Maria Von Trapp from the house. She yells up the stairs, “OK, Fran the job is yours! See you in #&^&*%^@$^!” (This is a children’s movie after all.)

Fran scratches her head puzzled. She recovers quickly (let’s face it, she’s a ditz) and wakes the baby up with a loud. “Hiiiiiiii there, Damien!” Damien wakes with a start, staring hypnotically at the woman in front of him. “That voice…” he mutters. “How alluring… how melodious… HOW SICKENING!” The last thing Mary hears as she flies Maria and herself to the hospital is the nasally high-pitched squeals of Damien’s new nanny, Fran Fine…

- Mr. Potato Head (I've got WAY too much free time on my hands!)

The Fran Drescher element conspired against ROTW, but a solid effort! - Eds.

(Opening shot: exterior, Amityville House. Damien stands by the window looking out over the front lawn as two cheery, identical women approach the house... one from below, carrying a guitar, and one from above, sailing along under an umbrella.)

Damien: You're gonna die up there.

(the thunder rolls. Cut to Maria, soaking wet on the porch, as a bone-dry Mary Poppins alights softly. They both knock on the door three times... it opens by itself)

Mary: Interesting. This is a magic place, I can feel it.

(Damien watches from the stairs, his eyes glowing blood red)

Maria: Oh, THERE's the handsome young man now! Are we going to have some FUN?
Damien: (evil grin) We sure are.

(a crucifix on the nearby wall begins spinning as Damien takes off into the air and heads for the women)

Maria: Oh, look! He's magical, just like you!
Mary: Hmmmm...

(Mary opens her umbrella at the last second and ducks, as a torrent of blood comes from nowhere and drenches Maria)

Damien: Ha! Ha ha! And ha!
Maria: Oh... my... god...
Mary: Don't worry... I've got friends.

(she snaps her fingers, clicks her heels together, and POOF! there, straight from "Touched By An Angel", are Roma Downey and Della Reese!)

Damien: Hmmm... things may get.... STICKY.

Mary: Look out!

(Mary, Roma, and Della hide beneath Mary's umbrella as a shower of hot glue rains down, plastering poor Maria)

Maria: Ahhhh! It burns!!
Damien: (sings while lobbing darts at Maria) Dough, a god to many men,
Ray, that shoots forth from my eyes
Me, the larval Antichrist,
"Shit!", what nuns say when they die!

(meanwhile, the angels have cooked up a plan)

Roma: Game... set... FELCH!

(Della runs behind Damien, who is now busy stoning Maria and singing "..which brings us back to dough!")

Della: Hey, Damien! Look who I've summoned!

(behold, Della stands there next to... Regan! Yes! The little girl from the Exorcist!)

Regan: Let Jesus fu-
Della: That's enough, Regan.
Roma: It's your boss, Damien... and I don't think he's pleased with you at all.
Regan: What the hell's the matter with you, boy? When I was your age I'd have half of Europe diseased by now.
Damien: You could never understand me, Dad! You're just a big, fat ASSHOLE!
Mary: I think it's working. Maria! Play something on your guitar.
Maria: (feebly, staring blankly ahead) ...Ray, what shoots forth from my eyes...
Mary: Blondie has gone bye-bye. How's the kids?
Roma: Watch.
Damien: You're never here, Dad! All the things I do to impress you, and you're never here!
Regan: Oh, son... I hate to break the news to you, but the man who made damn sure Pilate washed his hands and sealed his fate is not impressed by the torture of a chirpy blonde nanny.
Damien: But I'm trying, Dad, I really am! See, watch!

(he points at Maria; her head explodes)

Regan: Nice try son... but I'm afraid you still don't get it.
Damien: (bursts into tears) Well, how the hell am I supposed to get it, Dad?! I never had any real role models growing up... no one around here could teach me how to unleash plague upon the unwashed heathen!
Regan: You really feel this way?
Damien: (sniffles) Yeah.
Regan: I'm sorry, boy. From now on... (starts to break up and sob) I'll try to be... the father you need...
Damien: I love you, Dad!
Regan:I love you, Son!

(they embrace. Mary, Roma, and Della look on with warm smiles)

Mary: They're gonna be just fine.

Roma: It always makes me feel good to see a family back together.
Della: Let's go. These two have some catching up to do.

(Mary, Roma, and Della leave the house. Music swells up; happy, sweet melodies. In the background, the moon turns blood red, and glowing lights and maniacal laughter escape from the Amityville house, now levitating 20 feet off the ground. Roma, Mary, and Della skip away singing "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious", but before they can finish the word even once, all three are mowed down by a bus and are killed instantly. The End. Roll credits.)

- Phat Cheops

A definite contender for ROTW, but it was just too long, and editing this masterpiece would have been unfair. - Eds.

The sun was rising, the birds a-twitter
Garbage trucks had cleared off the litter -
Suddenly, from out of the sky,
Came Mary Poppins, her umbrella held high.
She checked the directions she held in her hand
Nodded and prepared herself to land.
"I’d better let them know I’ve arrived
And hope no other nanny’s made it inside."
She rang the bell and patiently stood…
Looking as pleasant as she possibly could.
The door opened up and there, in the morn,
Were Mr. And Mrs. Robert Horn.
"I’m the nanny you inquired about.
And let me say that without a doubt
You will be satisfied in ev’ry regard.
I am neither too lax, nor am I too hard.
I’ve plenty of games for Damien and I -
We can sing and dance, and if he is shy -
I’ll laugh and a smile will grace his rosy cheek.
He’ll want me to stay even after the week."
"Most impressive," Mr. Horn said.
"The last nanny we had ended up quite dead."
"Now, Robert, don’t scare the poor lady away,"
Katherine said and addressed Mary, "Good day."
"Damien is sweet and a most pleasant child.
He always behaves and never gets wild.
Except…that day we took him to church.
He started to squirm, he started to lurch."
Mary nodded and said, "Fear not.
I’ve just the cure for tempers too hot!"
So saying she sang and danced around…
Her feet all but leaving the ground.
She sang about sugars and mince-meat pies
And Dickensian urchins infested with lice.
She sang about everything under the sun -
She just knew that when she’d finished she’d won!
"Very nice," said Horn, a smile on his face.
"As of now you’ve got the run of the place."
Suddenly, down the road , sounds of marching came quick
And the footsteps pounded lickety-split.
Maria von Trapp soon came into view.
Mary scowled. "Oh (sigh) it is only *you*."
"Yes, oh yes," sang Maria quite gaily.
"And it is I who will watch Damien daily."
Both ladies faced off and each planned her attack
While those sneaky Horns ducked out the back.
Suddenly, the wind blew up in a gale
And through the trees, it began to wail.
Both ladies ran in, and shut the front door
And turned around, so they could explore.
At the top of the stairs, gripping the bannister of wood,
Crouched little Damien who slowly stood.
"Hello, Damien," Mary P. said.
"What games do you play? What dreams in your head?"
She then started singing about endless playdays.
And the wonders of life that couldn’t help but amaze.
Maria giggled - most impolite.
But she had never seen a sillier sight.
"Why, Damien’s mind journeys through the magic of books!
And there’s one recipe not made by the most famous cooks!"
Mary turned red as Maria started twirling,
Her face all aglow, her dress a-swirling.
Maria sang about the joys of good friends,
And wonderful places where the fun never ends.
She sang of the values of getting along
And solving all problems with one little song.
Damien watched, nonplussed by it all -
Then descended the stairs and came down the hall.
Then the walls began to shake,
The floorboards beneath started to quake.
Maria dove over to one side -
Mary opened her ‘shoot and went up for a ride.
"Help me, Mary!" Maria so screamed.
"Well, well - I’d never have dreamed."
Mary reached down and saved Maria’s hide
As the walls crumbled, exposing the outside.
Damien scowled and frowned a big frown -
Hoping to bring the flying Nanny down.
A lightning bolt entered the house
Mary flew aside, and the bolt fried a mouse.
"That’s some umbrella," said Maria amazed.
"All of this chaos and it is still unfazed."
"Yes," said Mary. "But I shall need help
For this is one uncontrollable whelp."
They sped up to the roof, fast as you like,
And when they returned, they carried Dick van Dyke.
"’Cor blimey! I am but a sweep!
‘Ow can I put this ‘ere brat to sleep?"
"You can do it," said Mary. "Try - you know…
Do some bits from your old TV show."
So Dick tripped over every footstool in sight
And did double-takes with all of his might.
Soon Damien screamed and backed up, afraid.
Maria said what a good choice had been made.
Dick then pretended it was all just a dream -
At this hackneyed cliche, Damien screamed.
He ran upstairs and crawled into bed,
Praying to Satan, and wishing he was dead.
Dick stood amazed, "Well, if that ain’t a sight!
Wot could’ve given that boy such a fright?"
Mary winked and thanked Dick again
And he skipped and jigged on into the den.
And if he hadn’t been playing the fool -
He would’ve seen that one last footstool.
Maria bowed and said, "Mary you won…
You’re special and magic - you watch their son."
At this point the battle came to a halt
As Mary Poppins won by default.
She straightened her hat and unwrinkled a smidge,
Then zipped off to have a raid at the fridge.
When the Horns returned after a week,
They found little Damien fast, fast asleep.
And, there on the couch, looking gentile,
Was Mary Poppins reading Danielle Steel.
"What a great job! What did you do?"
Mary smiled. "A proper British nanny *always* comes through."

- Scott Jorgenson

This is proof positive that I was not meant to be a poet/songwriter/rappa. My tiny song parody took the better part of two days to write; this would have taken me a year! - HB!

Mary: All right, Damien, we're going to have LOTS of fun today! After all, I'm practically perfect in every way™!

Maria: Feh. I'm sure that you could have EVERYONE have fun! Well, where were you when the Nazis attacked, eh, BITCH!

Mary: *gasp* You're calling ME a bitch?! Let's see how well you can curse with an UMBRELLA shoved up your ass!

*Mary charges at Maria with her umbrella. While Mary and Maria are grappling with the umbrella...*

*Lorenzo Saint Du Bois, aka LSD, wanders in through the unlocked front door*

LSD: Man, are these the auditions for Boomerang, baby?

*Mary and Maria, still involved in their fight, do not notice LSD*

Damien: No. What the hell's Boomerang?

LSD: What? Oh, forget it... anyway, I'd like to, ah, sing this song. It's about love. And hate. Psychedelically speaking, I am talking about... "The Power"...

*LSD sings*

Love power,
I'm talkin' bout love power.
The power of a sweet flower,
is gonna rule the earth;
and there'll be a great rebirth.

Love is a flower that is fine,
when I'm walkin' with my darlin',
and we're holding hands,
and life is fine,
cause she understands.

A'walking down the sunny street,
givin' pretty flowers to the people,
that we meet.

And I give a flower to the big fat cop,
he takes his club and he beats me up.
I give a flower to the garbage man,
he stuffs my girl in the garbage can.
And I give it to the landlord,
when the rent comes round.
He throws it in the toilet
and he flush it down.
It goes into the sewer with the yuck runnin through her,
And it runs into the river that we drink.
Hey world, you stink!
Oh, ugh, man it's later than you think.
Girl you got just one more chance,
C'mon baby while I dance.

Love, love power
I'm talkin' bout love power.
The power of a ittle flower,

You don't think 'bout no little flowers,
Oh, no, all you think about is guns.
If everybody in the world today had a flower instead of a gun,
there would be no wars.
There would be one big smell-in.
Just the flowers.
Hey man, a flower.
A flower.
What you do to my flower, man?
You hurt it, like everything else.
Everything else.

Damien: Wow, you sing pretty good...

*LSD pulls out a joint*

LSD: Really, man? Wow. Hey, wanna share?

Damien: OK...

*LSD lights the joint and they smoke it*

*two weeks later...*

Mrs. Horn: We're back!

*Mrs. Horn gasps as she finds Mary and Maria, bruised up, on the sofa, half-conscious, and her son experimenting with acid with a strange young man*

Mrs. Horn: My goodness... Damien, have you made your decision?

Damien: Yeah, my friend here. *he points at LSD* He sings real good.

Mr. Horn: All right, who the hell are you?

LSD: Oh, oh, oh GEEZ, baby! I can't remember. Um... uh... Lorenzo! Lorenzo Saint Du Bois! My friends call me LSD.

Mr. Horn: Oh no! We are NOT hiring someone who has trouble remembering his own NAME!

Mrs. Horn: Well... if Damien chose him, we really have no choice...

Mr. Horn: All right. You're hired.

Mary: This is so bloody humiliating...

Maria: You're the one who started it.

Mary: Oh shut up!

*LSD passes out on the floor*

- Colonel Zippo Kanaza, a HUGE Mel Brooks fan

In the battle of the singing nannies here is what I see happening:

1. Poppins, and Maria start off cooperating, but soon tire of one another, apparently they don't harmonize well with each other.

2. Both bicker with one another to the point where they decide to settle it the old fashioned way.

3. They decide to fight it out in a nearby abandoned warehouse the next night.

4. Maria, being insecure decides to make some phone calls for back up. Poppins finds out about this development and calls her cousin and a local chimneysweep/sidewalk artist.

5. The next night, after Damien is sound asleep both Maria, and Poppins head to the warehouse.

6. As the two stare across the building from one another mentally preparing for a grizzly battle Maria's friends enter, a horde of nuns, each armed with a deadly ruler.

7. As Maria taunts Poppins about how she cannot defeat her and the ruler laiden nuns in comes a chimney sweep bearing sidewalk chalk, and an umbrella toting pointy nosed figure in a tuxedo, Poppins' cousin, the Penguin.

8. Poppins immediatly has the chimneysweep begin a work on the warehouse floor, she and the Penguin advance towards the bloodthirsty nuns.

9. The nuns work themselves into a frenzy and charge at their foes. Just as the nuns are about to engage the Poppins, Penguin duo, Poppins raises and opens her umbrella and flies away from the melee.

10. The Penguin manages to take out a few nuns with his trick flame thrower umbrella but is almost immediatly enveloped with nuns, and killed by multiple ruler blows, as the nuns chant, "bad, you've been very bad!"

11. As Poppins decends gracefully from her flight she levels her umbrella at Maria and shoots her in the neck with a ridalin laced dart. Maria not being a hyperactive child passes out from the large amount of the powerful drug.

12. Landing behind the sidewalk art, and lures the rabid nuns over towards the work of art. As each nun passes over the art they are teleported to a cartoon carnival world pictured on the concrete.

13. Victorious Poppins strolls over to the passed out form of Maria and leaves the book "How to be a compent nannie" by Mary Poppins, along with a note detailing the plight of one Sherri Bobbins, describing the problems one encounters if they do not heed the advice in the book.

Poppins wins.

- A. Virgin

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