World Wide Web Fights presents

WWWF Logo by Dan Willis

The Setting

Somewhere in the Southwest -- A black helicopter buzzes overhead, briefly casting the gatehouse in shadow. The sergeant and private on duty are arguing with a man and his camera crew.

"For the last time, Mister Wallace, this is the La Generica Army Research Facility, not your Area 51, whatever that is. That meteor shower last night came from an old Soviet satellite burning up. And I promise, cross my heart, hope to die, swear on a stack of Bibles, Korans, Bhagavad-Gitas, or whatever's politically correct these days, there isn't a single flying saucer on this base."

"That's right," the private adds. "This here's the dullest duty in the Army, and that's a fact.

Shrugging, the investigative journalist turns his car around and leaves. The guards watch, glance around, then quickly strip off their uniforms to reveal new ones beneath, with two stars glinting on each shoulder. "Fell for it again," the 'private' says.

"Fell for what?" the un-sergeant asks. "We told the truth. There isn't a single flying saucer here. It's his fault he didn't ask whether there were two." He doffs his cap. "Now, if only we could figure out how to get them flying ourselves. Or get them open. Or read that weird writing on the hulls."

"Oh, we have experts flying in later today, Sarge, er... General. Two civilian scientists named Nye and Beakman. Pretty smart fellows. My kids think the world of them. We'll give them and their assistants each a ship. One of them's bound to get them flying."

"Civilians? Nobody told me we were bringing in civilians."

"Hey, you aren't the only one here who can keep secrets. And don't get all 'plausible deniability' about having them here. We'll treat the guy who cracks it fair, send him home with some cash and a hypnotically repressed memory. The guy who doesn't ..." There is a distant explosion, and a plume of smoke rises from the horizon. "Whoa, looks like Mister Wallace has a little car trouble."

So, HotBranch!, which of these highly-developed minds will be first to solve the mystery of Area 51, or is that on a strict need-to-know basis?

Bill Nye the Science Guy Beakman, Beakman's World

Bill Nye
(the science guy)



The Commentary

WWWF's first Canadian Commentator HOTBRANCH!: This is more of a no-brainer than the historic Death Star versus Enterprise massacre. Beakman will figure this one out so fast, Nye's head will be swimming in a jar of formaldehyde before he realizes he's lost. This battle is all about firsts and, since Mr. Wizard is busy feeding the worms, that leaves Beakman as the one who will solve the Area 51 mystery FIRST.

Fact: Beakman was the first of our competitors to hit the airwaves (September 1992). Fact: Beakman was the first to win major production awards (including several Emmys). Fact: Beakman was the first person brave enough to wear a lab coat that was a color other than white. Fact: Beakman has the first Harvard-educated Shakespearean rodent lab assistant (Lester). Fact: Beakman was the first to incorporate sound effects and weird camera angles to make science more accessible and fun. What does Nye have going for him? A degree from Cornell University. BIG DEAL! WWWF Grand Poobahs (TM), Steve and Brian, got theirs from a box of CrackerJacks (TM). Where's the scientific merit in that?

The scientific method is based on the observation of facts, Shane. If I present any more facts about how superior Beakman is, your head is likely to explode. The scientific method clearly indicates that Beakman will win.

CALL ME SHANE: Well, guess who just got his Prozac prescription refilled. Yes, HotBranch!, the scientific method deals with facts: RELEVANT facts. Please, Consider The Following (TM).

After escaping -- er, graduating from Cornell, Bill Nye went to Seattle to work at Boeing. You know, planes. Things that fly. That's relevant experience to this challenge. Also, he has practice deciphering strange and unearthly forms of communication, to wit, Seattle grunge rock. His whole life has been preparation for his work in Area 51.

Beakman, for his part -- brace yourself, pal -- DOES NOT EXIST! He's an ACTOR, playing a character based on a feature in the Sunday funnies: Beakman & Jax. He may know something about method acting, but zilch about the scientific method. If this were Independence Day, he'd have a shot. In real life, he's doomed.

To humor you, let's count up his assets anyway. #1: Bad hair. #2: Annoying flunkies, Liza and Lester. (And Harvard is not a mark in anyone's favor, much less Lester's!) #3: A flatulence fixation (those sound effects that have you so hypnotized). Look those over. Is this Beakman or Howard Stern? Same result either way: Nye takes a joyride to the stars.

Thank you for joining me on...Consider The Following (TM).

HOTBRANCH!: Is that the best you can come up with, Shane? This is your big chance to shine in the spotlight of the Grudge Match, and you present me with inconsequential technicalities? For shame, Shane, FOR SHAME! First off, the time Nye spent at Boeing is vague; what was he doing? Sweeping floors? That barely qualifies him to build DC-10s; much less discover the secrets of extra-terrestrial aeronautics. Second, Nye strikes me as the kind of guy whose exposure to rock music is limited to ABBA; just because he chooses to live in rain-soaked Seattle doesn't mean he even realizes that whiny Gen-X music is leaving the city limits. When Nye looks at the writing on the ship's hull, he'll say "Hey, look at the COOL pictures!" Finally, you claim that Beakman isn't real; was Hannibal Lecter real? No. Yet, in a classic Grudge Match, he still managed to eat Jeffrey Dahmer for lunch. Reality has no bearing in the Grudge Match, stick to the topic! Where does that leave your "relevant" facts? Sitting by the side of the road, trying to hitch a ride to wherever in the hell Nye Labs has relocated to this week.

Nye may be a scientist in real life, but he sure as heck doesn't play one on TV. Each Bill Nye the Science Guy episode is filled with repeated actions, repeated actions, as well as his assistants' bloopers used for filler material. Beakman's World is slick, fast-paced, and devoid of fillers or preservatives. Beakman, Lester, Josie, Liza, and/or Phoebe attack a problem with professionalism and solve it by explaining the facts in terms that all viewers can understand. They were the first and they're still the best.

Imitation might be a form of flattery, but Nye is nothing more than a scientific thief: waiting for others to do the hard work, while he steals the idea and hogs all the glory. Nye simply copies Beakman's World ideas and claims to be the true scientist. It's kind of fitting, though, that Nye produces inferior imitations: he is a tool of the evil rodent empire: Disney productions. Disney is single-minded in their quest to dominate the world market of inferior imitation products, and televised science shows are no exception. Demand the original: Beakman's World!

SHANE: Oh, and I suppose you'd disdain the Goodyear Blimp for a ride on the 'original' Hindenburg. I didn't think all Canadians were brain-damaged, but Peter Jennings should have been proof enough, eh?

First, Boeing is jam packed with Way Cool Scientists (TM). A janitor there knows more about aeronautics than Beakman, whom I suspect has alternate methods of 'flying'. Second, the music videos on "Nye" show formidable range and sophistication. The closest "Beakman's World" could come would be Lester performing "Feelings" with belches -- or worse.

Finally, you vastly underestimate the Power of the Dark Side (TM) that is Disney. This is the corporation that bought a hockey team to promote an Emilio Estevez movie series. These are the people who planted EuroDisney in the middle of the world's most culturally pretentious country. This is the movie studio that owns the "Siskel and Ebert" program! This is the 'family company' that actively encouraged Ellen DeGeneres to turn her sitcom character lesbian! There are no limits to their power! No bounds to their evil! Aaahahahahahahaa! AAAAAA-hahahahahahaa!

Nye will discover the UFO's secrets if Disney has to buy Area 51 to guarantee it. Look for these spaceships at a revamped "Star Tours" ride sometime next year.

HOTBRANCH!: You know, it's really sad when you watch someone humiliate themselves so thoroughly in a public forum. You have been brainwashed, Shane, like so many children before you. Speaking of rugrats, I hear that Kathie Lee Gifford is planning to raid Nye Labs (where the hell are they anyways?), in order to free the children that are forced to work in Nye's scientific sweatshop. Have you ever noticed that the guy has a pasty complexion and strange interactions with children; who are we really dealing with here? Bill Nye or Michael Jackson? It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see the similarities between Neverland and Nye Labs.

As for the music videos on "NyeTV", you can find more artistic and musical talent in a Roswell alien autopsy video. And the educational content of his videos contains less than 1% of the minimum Recommended Daily Allowance of intellectual nutrition found in Schoolhouse Rock clips. Beakman's World is the intellectual equivalent to 3 well-balanced meals a day.

Finally, Beakman, unlike Nye, doesn't need to have Area 51 purchased in order for him to get the saucers up and flying. Only a scientific failure would have to rely on bribery in an attempt to solve this mystery first.

SHANE: First, don't compare either of these guys to The Rock (TM). Nye and Beakman kneel before the golden idol of educational television.

No, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to compare Bill Nye to Michael Jackson. It takes a moron. Nye needs no brainwashing. His hordes of enthusiastic, willing assistants prove that in capable hands, science is cool, even Wild (TM). Beakman's only contact with his target audience is a series of blatantly forged letters written in crayon by interns in a corporate office somewhere. Pathetic, really.

Nye has versatility in his favor, too. By appearing on both public and syndicated television, he flaunts his government connections while still showing his ability to compete successfully in the marketplace. Beakman has ... yuck, Lester again. All that does is insure Beakman's defeat via Hapless Sidekick Syndrome, more commonly known as Gilliganitis. That name says it all.

With or without intervention by the Evil Mouse-Eared Empire (TM), Bill Nye will soon leave Beakman choking on his rocket exhaust ... unless the green-coated one does the unthinkable, and brings in his ultimate secret weapons: Don and Herb.

Beware of the penguins. Doo-be-doo-be-doo...

Thanks to Longtime Grudgies (TM) HotBranch! and Shane for their tireless work on this match,
as well as their volunteer work in several small African villages where young children will sing the praises of our heros forevermore.

The Results

Bill Nye (1139)


Beakman (693)

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Voter Comments


I hate to say it, fellow fight fans, but this one is nearly IM-FRIGGIN-POSSIBLE(tm) to call. Let's re-cap. Two faux-scientists from the bowels of PBS edu-sitcommery go toe-to-toe...

I... I'm sorry. I just can't do this... Can't we just tie these two guys in a leather bag with Rockapella(tm) and beat it with sticks?

- Tengu:<>

ROTW(tm) Silver Medal Winner(tm)

1. Disney: An organization filled with megalomaniacs bent on world domination.
Aliens: An organization of little green people bent on world domination.
Bill Nye works for Disney...

2. Little green men have big bug eyes.
Bill Nye has bigger bug eyes than Beakman. (Say that fast 5 times)
Bill Nye looks more like an alien.

3. Bill Nye wears a bowtie.
Mickey Mouse wears a bowtie...
Bill Nye is head of Disney Media Propaganda:Alien Conspiracy Division.

The result: Bill Nye walks into THE HANGAR and says,"Oh, these are our model 57-Q's: Pirates of the Andromeda Galaxy Shuttle-Bus Ships."

Bill will then proceed to push the letter on the side that looks like a "Q" and little aliens with Hawaiian T-shirts, baseball caps and SONY cameras will emerge, snapping pictures of Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones dragging away a confused Beakman...

- Budo ("It's a conspiracy man!!!")

ROTW(tm) Bronze Medal Winner(tm)

Neither will win. The victor will be the first scientific presenter in the history of history: Mr Lizard, from Dinosaurs.

"Mr Lizard, can you tell me how this huge spacecraft can take flight?"
"Sure. Timmy. Just stick your head in this large exhaust port and watch what happens..."
[Sounds of dilithium crystals charging, matter and anti-matter mixing]
[Blinding light, which fades to reveal a young saurian, a smoking crater where his head should be]
[Short embarrassed silence]
"Can we get another Timmy?"

- John Hunter

I have to vote for Beakman. He has taste, He has humour. Okay, so he doesn't have Josie anymore cause she upstaged him, But that doesn't make him a bad guy. (especially if Josie comes back PLEASE?)

And besides, I once saw Bill Nye on a bad local comedy show made in Seattle. He played in a skit called "Race Walker Guy" or something like that, where he did that funny racewalk kinda thing in a pair of very thin and tight nylon running shorts. I still have nightmares that include the words "Wobbly Bits"...the wrench to my psyche was awful.

- Jenni 'shoot me if I racewalk' G.

First of all, Hotbranch! is wrong. Beakman was not the first on the airwaves. Bill Nye was a regular for years on Almost Live!, the great Seattle show that produced such luminaries as Ross Schafer (aka, the guy that replaced Joan Rivers on that FOX Late Show).

Second, The Science Guy has the aid of the great Billy Kwan who, if he had fought Chuck Norris and David Carradine, would have kicked their collective bippies six ways from Tuesday. The Science Guy would just have to tell him that Beakman was being impolite. (Fool! Billy will squash you like a bug!)

He's also assisted by the great Pat Cashman. Never underestimate the power of the Force...or a really cool deep voice.

Here's what would happen, in any case. As Beakman approached the facility, he would be passed up by the Science Guy in the guise of...SPEED WALKER! Thus, he will win before Beakman even gets there (while still conforming to the rules of the International Speed Walking Federation. Heel, toe. Heel, toe!)

- Dale "Geoduck" Abersold

Although I voted for Bill Nye (my little brother tapes every episode), it galls me that another noted scientist was not invited to this gathering, especially since this scientist was the originator of many of Beakman's little quirks. I speak of none other than...

DR. CLAYTON FORRESTER! (Push the button, Frank)

Forrester hit the airwaves several years before Beakman's 1992 premiere...where do you think Beakman got the idea for the green coat and the bad hair, hmmmm?

Wait a second... it's just been brought to my attention that although Beakman didn't air until 1992, the strip he's based on (Beakman & Jax) may well predate MST3K. Hrm.

Heck with it. Forrester is EVIL! EEEEVIL! Who cares who came up with some stupid motif first?! Forrester would march right into Area 51 (with TV's Frank in tow), strap both Beakman and Bill Nye into Sense-O-matic film appreciation chairs, and force them to watch BOTH '"Manos": The Hands of Fate', AND 'Lost Continent' in one sitting. And as any MSTie can tell you, it takes stern stuff to handle *that*.

With those two posers thoroughly waxed and out of the way, Dr. Clayton Forrester plunders the two flying saucers of their secrets in a matter of hours. Finally, he will have in his grasp the tools he needs to take over the WORLD! NYA-HA-HA! (ahem.)

Besides, I'd be willing to bet that Dr. Forrester and his long run on Mystery Science Theatre 3000 have done more to educate the world's children on what's REALLY important than Beakman and Nye put together.

So there. Nyeah.

- Isaac Sher - Starving Actor

I decided to do a little web research since I have no idea who either of these guys are. So I looked at their respective web pages, and compared the two "top scientists"

1: Bow tie vs Bad hair- scientists with bow ties are really geeky looking and are always collecting bugs and naming fungus. Scientists with bad hair are always making Radium Powered Death-Rays, and Atomic Zombie armies to take over the world. Clearly the "Bad hair" scientists have a better grasp of science.
Beakman-1 Nye-0

2: Actual science credentials- as stated by Mr. Shane and Mr. Branch, these guys have quite different backgrounds; Nye graduated from Cornell (That could be a plus in his favor as long as it wasn't from the school of hotel managment) and worked at Boeing (so he might actually know some science). Beakman is an actor. According to Hollywood, Keanu Reeves can invent "cold fusion" (the movie Chain reaction) Now that's funny.
Beakman-1 Nye-1

3:Tie breaker- while looking at the Bill Nye home page, I came across the standard Disney disclaimer... Four screens of legal spew about how they are not responsible for anything at all, and how everything that they touch becomes the instant propery of mickey mouse and Michael Eisner... AMEN! The instant Bill sets foot in Nevada, he wont be able to move because of all the lawyers wearing the little mouseketer's hats. He won't be able to pick his nose let alone look at a space ship with out an entire forest's worth of legal dung. Beakman, although slower, will have no such restrictions.

Beakman:2 Nye:1 in sudden death overtime

- Dr. Zed (med school drop out)

This one's a no-brainer. Bill was not only first, he's on public TV. Have you ever seen anything on CBS that was more intellectually engaging than _anything_ on public TV? Hell, have you ever seen anything on CBS that was more intellectually engaging than pocket lint? (Three words, pal-- Walker: Texas Ranger.) Beakman is nothing but a tiny-brained Bill Nye ripoff, and that big-haired wannabe would never have the imagination to do something as cool as base a song about static electricity on the Vapours' classic 80's song "Turning Japanese," much less figure out the spaceship. A Harvard-educated rat, huh? Well, that's what four years at that place does to a potentially bright human student...

- Emerald

YAWN!!! While you two cerebral giants (not) argue the vagueries of the philosophical impossible, I will present the answer to your question.

Guys, this is a trick question. Mr.'s Nye and Beakman are just simply too anal to be able to discover the cryptic secrets of the extra-terrestial universe. The ideal earth bound entity to be able to accomplish this would have to have all the characteristics of a life long practitionner of the Buhdist faith, the extreme imagination of an Issac Asminov, the steel nerves of a Bob Dole, and the confident swagger of the Honky Tonk Man. There is just no such person!

But, there is hope... . When a challenge appears too great for any mere mortal, it's time to call for ... Inspector Gadget. His bumbling ineptitude will have those saucers opened and hovering over a nations capital in no time.

In the interest of intellectual advance I hereby request that you retract the defense of your respective wannabees and join me in requesting that Inspector Gadget's name appears for vote submission. If you do not agree, I can only ask, what are ya, CHICKEN? Brrrrok, brrrok, brrok, brok!

- Muldoon

This is a hard one to call. I find both equally entertaining since they are basically the same (with Nye being a little more hygenically conscious (tm)). Since I don't have the resources to discover all the details of their lives and their shows (Cornell, Disney, Boeing, obscure Sunday comics) I have no choice but to make my decision based on completely insignificant facts.

Fact: Beakman has Don King's (tm) hair. Frightening.

Fact: Nye has Paul Simon's (the politician) bow tie. A definite minus.

Fact: Beakman hangs out with a sewer rat. I can smell him through my TV screen, but strangely, I keep watching.

Fact: Nye seems to have no friends at all. But, he is a nerdy scientist. They're not supposed to have friends.

Fact: I can't remember anything in particular that I've seen on Beakman's show. However, I do remember a really cool part of one the Bill Nye's shows where he made a scaled down representation of the solar system on a soccer field with the sun at one end and Pluto at the other, then he got in a car and drove 5 hours away to show where the nearest star would be. THAT'S COOL!!!!

I have no choice but to give the nod to Bill Nye the Science Guy. Besides he has a catchier name.

- Master Yoda

Beakman clearly has Einstein Hair. A clear benefit. All my Physics profs in college had Einstein Hair, even the really good philosophy profs. Yes, Einstein Hair is an advantage. The crucial advantage.

Besides, I like Beakman better.

- don

Now, now, Hotbranch!... You're basing this on Bill Nye the Science Guy show. But before that, there was Almost Live, with a bit featuring Bill Nye the Science Guy, which had none of the annoying repeats, annoying repeats, annoying...

Besides, Nye's got the Rage (TM). Not only is he a geek with absolutely no resemblence to Eraserhead, but he's esca... er, graduated from Cornell. As an engineer. And as the well-informed know, engineering at Cornell is a scary thing, resulting in (among other things) gibbering Applied and Engineering Physics grad students gibbering in the basement, talking to stuffed Winnie-the-Pooh bears, and attempting to build small range tactical nukes to use on Dragon Day. And let's not even get into the CS majors...

- Ragnorak

First of all, there is no way that a true scientist can possibly lose this match with an actor whose charactor is so obviously a complete rip off of a Muppet(TM). You wanna talk about Gilliganitis, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew's poor sidekick Beaker is the embodiment of the condition. On the other hand, have you forgotten, or are you just unaware that Bill Nye was Almost Live (TM) in the early nineties? The High-Fivin' White Guys (TM) will surely distract Beakman with all there hootin' and a-hollering, while the Innefectual Middle Management Suck-Ups (TM) infultrate and foil Beakman's entire operation. Once inside, the Suck-Ups will reduce Beakman's productivity to a standstill while he is forced to fill out requesitions, time sheets, and all other sorts of non-productive tasks. Meanwhile, Bill Nye will be unincumbered by such beaurocratic procedures and will solve the mystery in no time. Of course, if that doesn't work, he can always call his pals at the DeadHead Travel Agency(TM) and fly through space another way. ( 'Can't afford a ticket? Just lick this little square and kick back...')

- Cosmic Charlie

Hotbranch you ignorant slut...umm sorry, I was having a flashback to the 'pre-Hoover' days of Saturday night live. Beakman spends his show reading letters and waving his fingers while Lester ( 'blaaat!' ) attempts to clear out the studio with gaseous expulsions. Nye may work for the evil empire, but he's his own man. Nye once threw a tv off of a roof to demonstrate gravity.

Who's mug was displayed on the about to be smashed boob tube? That's right, Michael Eisner, the $300 million man. If Disney ( 'What kind of Mickey Mouse outfit calls a team the Ducks?' ) is the evil empire, then Eisner is Stalin, or at least Lenin...and if Kathie Lee is raiding Nye labs, methinks it's because her version of revenge for Frank's wandering unit is a little weird science. Would she dare do that with Beakman?? Although it might fix his hair, I think she'd be afraid of Lester joining in.

What will happen?!? Beakman's finger waving sets off the intruder detector in the first saucer, and he and Lester are flown off to Alpha Centauri for assimilation by the Borg, while Nye and Kathie Lee honeymoon through the Milky Way. Nye will also train the 'PU36 explosive space modulator' on Eisner and disintegrate him for good.

- goalie scott

Nye's victory is a foregone conclusion for one simple reason, Cornell. Do not mock this quasi-ivy league institution, for it was once the hangout of the legendary turtleneck-clad science guy Carl Sagan. The late Dr. Sagan would no doubt lend his assistance to his fellow Cornellian science popularizer even from the halls of Valhalla. How can Nye lose with the ghosty, Obi-Wan Kenobi-like visage of Carl Sagan giving him cryptic but relevant tips and pointers as he grapples with the innards of his alien craft.

"Bill....Use the 3/8" spanner Bill..."

- Tim R.

Hotbranch! convinced me here. As a resident of the Frozen Tundra [tm] myself, I understand just how tough and stubborn something has to be to survive these temperatures. Even as disgusting as it is up here, Antarctica makes it look like the Caribbean; ergo, the penguin has to be the Schwartzeneggar of the bird kingdom. Seeing as Beakman obviously draws ratings down there, while Nye has nil, the penguins will come up with some way to let their hero win the day.

Nye will have finally figured out how to open the spaceship and fly it, only to discover that someone's made off with the battery. By the time he can recover it from the frigid ocean floor, Beakman will be in low Earth orbit.

- The Unknown Surfer

Bill Nye, the science guy, will win. How? He will be uninterrupted in his quest for UFO travel. Beakman has a problem. He's being monitored by alien beings. At the beginning of every episode we see the two beings, Don and Herb, engaging in pre-surveillance small talk and wise-cracking. Then they get down to business. "Turn on Beakman, Herb," or something to that effect. Then, later, we see the two end their surveillance. "Turn off Beakman, Herb," or something to that effect.

Plus, penguins by their very nature seem alien. My guess is that some alien race wanted a way to have surveyors mingle with us without being conspicuous.
"Birds! They like birds. Small, non-threatening, cute. Let's build a bird."
"Okay, but they also like to dress sharp. Let's put the bird in a tuxedo."
"Right! But they don't like flying things. I think earthlings are afraid of things that might get caught or poop in their hair. We have to make the bird flightless."

So the aliens thought they could put one over on us. They created a non-flying bird that looks like it's wearing a tuxedo. And we're not going to notice how strange this is? Oh, that's right, we didn't notice. Boy, are we ever dumb.

Anyway, these two penguins have Beakman under surveillance. The minute Beakman shows signs of understanding the flying saucer, Don and Herb will alert their superiors and an attack will be launched on our favorite planet (That'd be Earth).

Of course, Beakman won't have a lot of time to work on the project anyway—what with keeping an eye on Lester and Josie/Liza/Phoebe and all.
"Yes, your beakness?"
"What are you doing running around staring at the sky?"
"Well, this a flying saucer, right?"
"Yes, Lester, it is a flying saucer. So?"
"Well, where there's a giant saucer, there's a giant cup of coffee. And where there's a giant cup of coffee, a giant doughnut can't be far behind. C'MON, BABY!"

- Mark Wentz

Beakman wins so handidly, it's not even worthy of one squirt of his Hair Spray (TM). Beakman has always been a trendsetter, tried new things and challenged the old laws of science with fresh new ideas. Hell, he had the Kramer (TM) haircut before Kramer!

Nerd, er, Nye looks like Bill Gates. He has about as much style as Bill Gates, only he's not smart enough to have as much money. With so many similarities to Borg, er, Bill, it's obvious that he has no creative thought, since all Bill ever does is COPY Macintosh OS. Creative thought is required to decipher and figure out unknown devices, so unless Macintosh already has a cool, smart spaceship out, Nye/Bill is screwed.

Beakman by a hairdoo!

- Viking502

Bill Nye is everyone's high school chem/physics teacher - the one who was a dork when he was in high school, and was obviously going way too far out of his way to be one of those "cool" teachers - the kind that the teachers think students like - until Mr. Zilinski and Mr. Reality collide head on in the soul-crushing "protractor incident" and he resigns himself to accepting what all the cantankerous forty-year old chain-smokers in the faculty lounge have known all along: that only cantankerous forty-year old chain-smokers can control a class of 30 teenagers.

Beakman is a freakin' lunatic. He's the kind of teacher that kids respect - not out of actual respect - but for fear that if they step out of line, it won't be a fetal pig being dissected next lab. Beakman wouldn't snap like Nye would, he would just go on mixing up different acids and bases with his victim's body parts with parts from the victim's car and pieces of their dog because in his heart he would believe that it is the right thing to do. And that's what makes him so dangerous. The most frightening serial killers and pedophiles are the ones who don't think they're doing anything wrong (i.e. Dahmer, Manson, Hitler, that old guy across the back alley, Bundy, Beakman).

Beakman would melt Nye's flesh with Hydrochloric acid in the name of science, not out of anger. Beakman wouldn't flinch before killing. Nye would try to reach some sort of nice little happy compromise, "Hailing frequencies open, Captain Nye".

Beakman is original Trek. Nye is Next Generation. Nye dies.

- Dwayne Martineau

Bill Nye would kick the living crap out of Beakman.

Bill's an Engineer. And not just any engineer, he's a Cornell Engineer. He survived four years in a Frozen Over Hell (Yes, it exists) with a minimal amount of sleep, crappy food, without going cordless bungee jumping. I can respect any person who survives.

Beakman is an actor. He hasn't paid his dues, given his blood, his sweat, his life. Sure, he's had a show for longer, but what was he doing before that? Waiting tables, flipping burgers, whatever actor and English majors do after college. Besides, just because a show has been on for a while, doesn't mean it's any good. Example: Murder She Wrote.

- Jeff the Intern of Science

... As for the existing matchup, Beakman wins hands down. Nye, like all other respectable non-fictional scientists, will claim it's a hoax: "the UFO is made out of foam rubber," he'll say, or "something of its size and shape can physically never propel itself into space." Beakman, unconstrained by the shackles of reality, will have the thing airborne in no time. After all, statistics show that scientists who have large talking rats as their assistants have a 75% better chance of flying a UFO than their non-giant-rodent-aided counterparts.

- Freshmaker

Beakman all the way, baby!

Why? The aforementioned comic strip. Yes, Beakman is based on "You Can with Beakman and Jax." But "Beakman and Jax" is amazingly cool! They recieved the question "How does the Internet work" and they answered it correctly, including a packet diagram! Correctly explaining the internet is something that no mainstream media has been able to do (see Time, Newsweek, your local paper), but "B and J" was able to do it in the Sunday funnies! Truly amazing, so Beakman must win this bout.

- Denis Moskowitz

Have to go with Nye here. Beakman's just a freak with a complex because he probably didn't take many science courses in school. And what the hell does flatulence have to do with it? Maybe it's some secret rocket fuel, and he'll light a blue angel to get his ship off the ground. :P

Bill is THE MAN!

- Canadaboy

The key fact to consider, I think, is their work experience, and what it has made them proficient in. Let's consider the careers of these two:

Bill Nye, S.G.: Works for PBS, known for documentaries on the Civil War, Basaball, and countless other things... they're so boring they must be educational. Also known for unintelligible British shows (ex. Are you being bored out of your mind?, Dr. Who the Hell is Starring in the Show Now?), which are far harder to understand than any alien TrueType[TM]. The guy's had many a year of practice on PrettyBoringStuff

Beakman: Works for Disney, known for such ingenius works as Operation Dumbo Drop, Pocahontas, and turning trajedies such as Hunchback of Notre Dame into musical comedies ("Coming next summer! Walt Disney's feel-good musical Oedipus Rex!"). I'm afraid this man hasn't had much mental stimulation in many moon.

Prof. Nye with ease, but Disney will steal the ship and turn it into a ride at Epcot. (This is, in fact, the way that big ball got there).

Waiting to be sued by Disney,


[Actually, Bill Nye works for Disney, not Beakman. Still, great to have you back. -- Ed.]

Being English, I've never heard of either of these two weirdos, so I voted for the one with the best hair. Beakman.

By using this system I also predicted losses for Worf vs Chewbacca and Picard vs Anyone.

- Napoleon the unenlightened

It all comes down to support. Beakman was a bunch of second rate actors. Bill Nye has the resources of one of the most powerful corporate conglomerates in the world. I think it would go something like this:

Beakman races around in a zany series of poorly photographed sequences.

Bill Nye types up a memo and faxes it to Burbank, then kicks back and skims through his Stephen Hawking's "A Brief History of Time".

Beakman races on in cartoon like antics, and finally opens up the space ship. He begins to try to hotwire it leading to lots of wacky electricution special effects.

Bill Nye calmy signs for a package, pulls out it's contents, opens the ship, hops in ,fires it up and and flies off towards southern California.

As the guards prepare to "debrief" Beakman, he scrambles for the empty package. He sees return address to The Walt Disney Companies coporate headquarters. As the guns go off and Beakmans world fades to black he notices a note in the package:
"Bill, The keys should help. Please bring the ship over ASAP. I have to be at the alien homeworld tomorrow afternoon to sign the land agreement for Disneyplanet. -Michael Eisner"

Never doubt a company that can buy TV Networks like most people buy shoes.

- Gary

Beakman -- Redeeming qualities:
Comic releif in the form of a guy in a rat suit who *knows* he's just a two-bit actor.
A lab assistant who's kinda cute in demure sort of way
Two very sarcastic and introspective penguins.

Bill Nye-Redeeming qualities:
Um, frequent cameos by the stars of "Blossom" and "Full House"
Annoying, MTV-like quick cuts from the editing booth
Association with Lord Walt.

Beakman will be hovering over Washington D.C. while Nye is still trying to compose the words to his newest parody, "Smells Like Alien Spirit".

Ba-da bing, ba-da boom, ba-da *BEATEN*!

- 1/2 Nelson

Scientifically, they're equally adept, and, all other things being equal, they'd both finish very quickly, tying this race. However, one major factor is being overlooked here.

Bill Nye has a secret identity, revealed a few years ago on one of those short-lived TV sketch comedy shows. He is, in reality, Speed Walker, the superhero who uses Speed Walking to save the day. A side effect of this is that he can use his speed walking in ways I wouldn't deign to predict here to give him the edge in this race. "Remember, Heel-toe, Heel-toe, Heel-toe!"

Also, if the Speed-Walking itself weren't enough to grant him the edge in this contest of the minds, he could always call his cousin, Speed Racer, with his car, the Mach 5. He's a top mechanic and those two together would constitute the greatest UFO Pit Crew that the world has ever seen! They'd have it up and running in 45 seconds flat.

- shabby

Let's nail this match down to the lowest common demoninator...Beakman and Nye are both entertaining science shows, but I know where my heart lies.

It boils down to one thing: Attention Deficit Disorder. Quite simply, Nye chooses a topic for the entire half-hour show. Beakman, fictional as he may be, takes scientific principles and compacts them into fact nuggets.

While Nye's still trying to decrypt the first alien's ship, Beakman has already got his government check, stolen the alien prototype for his set, and has informed kids on why the toilet flushes clockwise in the Northern Hemisphere, and answered REAL viewer mail...ZALOOM!

- Vlad, Canadian journalist and bass extraordinaire

It is a hot night in the desert as both Beakman and Nye are inserted into their respective (Officially) Unidentified Not Yet Flying Objects

Beakman's is the first to take off, and faster than you can sell Independance Day Two to a studio executive, it takes a dive and crashes into the desert. In the shadows two penguins hold among themselves a mess of wires and giggle (come on, when have Don and Herb done anything nice for Beakman. And, in the Pinky and the Brain (tm)/Dogbert (tm) corollary (patent pending): any animals with the ability of speech are secretly plotting to take over the world. Look at the Mouse, brought up previously... but I digress.)

After Beakman's firey doom (registered trademark: Towering Inferno), the second (O)UNYFO smoothly takes off and heads for the mountains of Colorado.

The two generals start to call for pursuit when they hear: "Federal agent. Freeze!"

They turn around to see Special Agent Dana Scully pointing a gun at them, with an FBI SWAT van (so that's where it went) for backup. "Impersonation is a federal offense, gentlemen."

Of course, the generals and their forces get away, by the law of the Uncatchability of Powerful Evil Government Types (copyrighted, all rights reserved: X-Files). A battered Scully pulls out her cell phone outside of the gates and dials a number.

"Mulder? Are you okay?"

Inside the second (Officially) Unidentified Now-Flying Object (now heading straight for Canada), "Nye" pulls off his Really Realistic Looking Rubber Mask (tm: Mission Impossible) to reveal Fox ("I got better!" tm: Monty Python) Mulder. "Just fine, Scully" he says. "You should try this sometime."

The truth, my friends, is out there.

- Candy Cigarette Smoking Man

Nye is an actual scientist. Beakman is an actor. Nye uses his show to discuss relevant scienitific principles. Beakman shows irrelevant things like "How does soap work?" Nye has Way Cool Scientists. (TM) Beakman has Lester.


- Nathan of Borg

Bill Nye doesn't believe in UFOs and is in fact vehemently opposed to the concept of their existence. He is a memeber of CSICOP, the Committee for the Scientific Investigation of Claims of the Paranormal (AKA the Committee for the Overindulgent Kissing of Carl Sagan's Ass), and is the first ever winner of their award for popularizing science and kissing Carl Sagan's ass. If you don't believe me see the CSICOP website. Nye is a super-skeptic and will waste valuable time trying to prove that the whole thing is a hoax, and probably brand it as such. If Nye does brand it a hoax, then Beakman will win by default despite the fact he is a moron with no real scientific acomplishments aside from a simplistic TV show on science. If Nye actually were to admit to the reality of UFOs then Beakman would most likely get his ass whipped despite the time delay. My bet is that Nye will most likely brand it a hoax or fail to make the paradigm shift, have a nervous breakdown and lapse into a state of chronic and perpetual masturabation (in both cases Beakman wins).

- Anton "Church of Satan" LaVey

I would like to point out the Beakman has a competitive time slot on a broadcast station.
Nye is on PBS.
Y'all ain't stupid figure it out.

- Lucas

I live in Africa. It's not noted for it's share of tele-science facilitators. Crocodiles, yes. Elephants, maybe. Tele-science- facilitators, no. Because of this, I have no idea who the competitors are.

But I still demand that my voice be heared! Therefore, I vote for Beakman. My logic is compelling:-
1) Beakman has a hairstyle which looks sentient in itself. Face it, the man's had practice in this sort of thing already.
2) The guy's currently losing. In every american movie or TV show I've seen, the hero looks defeated right up until the last moment, when, surprise surprise, victory rears it's triumphant head. Why shouldn't his happen now?
3) This sentence isn't a reason, but I need at least three points to sound compelling.

On this principle, I go for the hairy guy with the globe.

Thank you.

- Whatever

I would give this to Nye by a hair, as he is the more legitimate scientist. However, it really won't matter after Mr. Wizard comes on the scene and kicks BOTH their asses, showing 'em how it's really done!

- Philip Blaiklock

We all expect Bill Nye the Science Guy to fall behind quickly because of his habit of pausing to explain every step of what he does in e-x-c-r-u-c-i-a-t-i-n-g detail. He does, in fact, seem to take forever, but it's Beakman who falls behind. Beakman seems unexpectedly completely confused by the task and his "technospeak" is incoherent - a transparent bluff.

After several hours of this, a lieutenant sneaks off to the head to "consider the following". He opens a stall door and out falls...Beakman?...stripped to his skivvies, and bound and gagged! The officer frees Beakman and they race back to the UFO bay. When "Beakman" sees Beakman, he bolts for the exit.

It's at that moment that Nye, in a "Try This " segment, attempts the old "Shoot the Soda Can of Science " experiment. The bullet ricochets off of the UFO's shield and nails the imposter, sending him sprawling to the deck with a *very* suspiciously breathy "O-O-O-U-C-H".

Beakman and the security detail reach the imposter and remove his mask to reveal...ET! Then, hearing a *very* suspiciously obnoxious laugh behind them, they turn just in time to see "Nye", remove the last of *his* disguise to reveal...ALF!

"I *told* you I'd be the first off of this dump, you Imus-necked geek!" Alf gloats. He taps a few glyphs on the UFO, enters, and zooms into the great beyond.

Just like last time, I vote for ALF.

- Jeffery Fiducia

Bloody hell! Bring back Steve and Brian! At least most of the time they brought us matches between combatants who were actually known outside the North American continent... though I still haven't forgiven them for Pop'n'Fresh vs Mr Peanut. Grudge Match? You want a Grudge Match? Let me at all those people who think American culture (ha!) is all there is in this world!

Or is this site just another one of those endless attempts to homogenise the world into the "American ideal"...? This isn't a parody of culture at all, is it?! It's a flagrant promotion!!! You're sick... all of you... I mean, there's even an Anti-Canada web site, but where are all the Anti-USA sites, huh? Brian and Steve are probably out there right now hunting them down and destroying them! In fact, the more I think about it, the more obvious it becomes!

Just look at the Grudge Matches where an American went up against a non-American: Colonel Blake vs Colonel Klink. Close outcome decided by a handful of genuine votes? I think not! Jeannie (Persian) vs Samantha. Another close one, but of course Samantha just happens to triumph! Leona Helmsley vs Imelda Marcos. Not content to pip a mere third-world personality, you have to give her a drubbing! Boris Yeltsin vs Teddy Kennedy. Oh, okay, Yeltsin won, but cripes, it was a flaming drinking contest... not exactly your standard method of choosing who is morally superior. James Bond vs Indiana Jones! Before you so cleverly removed the voter comments for publication in your subversive book, it was clear that you had set them up overwhelmingly to vote for Indy "because he's American"!!! No other reason! Charm, sophistication and wit just don't cut it for you Americans, do they?!?!

I don't even know why I bother. But who did I vote for? Easy... Bill Nye. At least it's a normal sounding name, not some weird American construct like "Beak-man".

PS. I hope your capitalist American pig-dog CGI chokes on this message.

- DM

We're pretty sure that this guy is kidding. At least we HOPE he's kidding. Anyway, it emphasizes an important point raised by many non-Americans: some of our matches do not have international appeal. Well, as we've told several people, it has nothing to do with bias or preference or anything like that. It's a simple matter of the fact that Steve & Brian (tm) are American, so their knowledge consists mostly of Americana (tm). Thus, internationals may be at a bit of a disadvantage if the certain aspects of Americana we focus on for a given match have not yet escaped our borders. It appears that most of the stuff we present is mostly universal (since so much of it is so old), but in the event that we have a match in which you do not know the combatants, please accept our apolgies. And then try to have fun with it (like several people did during this match). -Eds. P.S.: We saved all your asses in WWII, and don't you forget it.

[Ed. Note -- The last three responses are quite long, but we could not cut or exclude them in good conscience. Those with Short Attention Spans(tm) are advised to leave now.]

As you might expect, once the two groups enter their UFOs, they're trapped. In the traditional Twilight Zone/Star Trek/X-Files plot, the alien intelligence forces them to explain that one human idea it does not understand: Death! Whoever can better explain it in their own way goes free. The loser(s) die. Due to time constraints, here are some highlights:


BEAKMAN: You say 'em, I'll slay 'em, let's Monster Mash!
LIZA: Billy of Tombstone, Arizona, wants to know "Why do people die?"
LESTER: Well, Billy, some people just want to know if blondes really do have more fun.
LIZA: Not that kind of "dye," Lester. He's talking about something completely different - "passing on, kicking the bucket, pushing up the daisies, meeting the maker"...
BEAKMAN: Thank you, Liza. Now, Billy, think of a human body as a car, like we do every week. A car has parts that allow it to function. Blah, blah, blah; blah, blah BLAH. In a human "machine," those parts are called organs. When the key organs of the heart or the brain cease to function permanently, the person is dead.
LIZA: With the possible exception of Lester! His brain hasn't worked in years! HA!
LESTER: Not true! My three brain cells are functioning perfect, thank you very much. By the way, I saw the Dead in concert. The music was great but it sure was cloudy.
LIZA: Not any cloudier than inbetween those ears of yours...


Bill Nye is brought to you by the Cigarette Council, proudly providing death for over a century.
"Death is the end of life. All living things on Earth eventually die. It is part of the cycle of life. Creatures are born, they live, they have children and, finally, they die and become food for other organisms. So if you look at it, every single human being eventually ends up as [pause] FECES! No matter what we do in life, the best we humans can hope for is to become a LOAD OF CRAP! Of course, that all assumes that humanity doesn't wipe itself out in a nuclear war and we don't even get the chance to be TURDS! Look at this! Pollution... "


"We're in a morgue. We're here to talk to Jim 'Grim' Reaper, a coroner. A coroner studies the bodies to help identify the cause of death. So what secrets of death can you share with us?"
"Well, did you know that a dead body in capable of an erection for as long as three hours?!"
"Of course, you have to stimulate the body...


It's time for the BEAKMAN CHALLENGE (already in progress)

BEAKMAN: What you're gonna need are:
- An AK-47 assault rifle
- A clip of armor-piercing, "cop-killer" bullets...
[Bill Nye is pushed out on stage tied to a pole with a bullseye on his chest]
NYE: HEY! This isn't fair!
BEAKMAN: ...AND, most important, an expendable "volunteer." Now, you see, if I shoot him a vital organ, like the heart or brain, death should be instantaneous. BA DA BING, BA DA BOOM, BA DA *BLAM!* *BLAM!* *BLAM!*
LIZA: But Beakman, you didn't answer the question! Billy wants to know WHY do people die!
BEAKMAN: Well, Billy boy of Tombstone, Arizona, some people just need killing. Talking about needing killing, where is Lester?


Nature by Nature
"R.I.P." (To O.P.P.)
Soundtracks in Science
Not So Bad Records

Come on, come on, Bill Nye just found out what it's all about.
When it comes down, the Beakman found winning easy in a rout.
Brains and hearts stop in the RIP establishment;
You best be careful or then someone might just do you in!
Exciting isn't it, the Science Guy Experience,
He's now the butt boy of a phony RIP scientist.
If he could hear us, he'd have to admit it;
When RIP comes, damn - icky, we're worm shit!

You down with RIP (Beakman: Yeah, you know me)
You down with RIP (Liza: Yeah, you know me)
You down with RIP (Lester: Yeah, you know me)
You down with RIP (C'est la vie)


With Beakman and company as the only survivor, they win.

NOTE: No Science Guys were harmed in the making of this Grudge Match.

- Paul Golba

"Vader, I sense a threat to our Empire."
" *wheeze* What is it, my master?"
"It is the one known as Eisner. Young Skywalker pales in comparison to his threat to my power. Imagine one even more in touch with the Dark Side than I- possibly the very embodiment of it."
" *wheeze* Such a being would indeed be a great danger to us, my Lord. What shall we do?"
"We shall travel to his home planet of Earth to eliminate him before he has caught a glimpse of his true level of evil."
" *wheeze* I shall ready the Star Destoyers at once, Emperor."

entire conversation (TM)

It is obvious that Beakman wil win this contest not only because he is the superior scientific mind, but because the entire Star Wars universe itself would be against Nye, who, as pointed out, is a simple tool of the Evil Empire (TM) that is Disney. The Emperor, smart as he is, would instruct Vader to strike an alliance with the Rebels, who would very eagerly fight alongside even this crew of easily-shot-despite-their-seemingly-thick-armor Storm Troopers to eliminate a force even more powerful than the Palpatine Empire. They, as our little reference humor universe allows, would ignore the laws of time and space to arrive at Earth a little late due to a pit stop at Mos Eisley and Vader's manly unwillingness to ask directions when the massive fleet gets lost somewhere in the Delta Quadrant (oops; wrong sci-fi universe).

They arrive at Earth over Orlando, Florida at the site of Disney world after contacting their spies at Universal Studios (who are far superior, I'm sure (despite my never having been there) to strike at the heart of the Evil Empire. Vader uses his psychic strangle (TM) on Simba's father for doing a bad impression of his voice and Chewie rends Goofy limb from limb. All the tourists have fled by now, so it's safe for Leia (disguised as Boushh the bounty hunter) to off a thermal detonator and blow the whole place to The Land Before Time (TM), with the exception of Epcot Center, which the Empire spray paints to look like the Death Star, but in a mocking sort of way. They do the same thing in California, but don't bother with EuroDisney because a) it's not enough of a revenue generator to worry about as far as crippling Disney and b)nobody wants to put up with the smell.

It is then time for our rough-and-tumble, ragtag crew of misfits (TM) to invade the very heart of Disney's global empire of world domination- the corporate headquarters. The Evil One's (TM) secretary says "I'm sorry, but you can't go in there- he's in a meeting.", but Boba Fett puts her aboard Slave 1 to give to Jabba for another Woman of the Golden Thong (TM) and they get into the board room otherwise unhindered. The Empire takes the Lord of All Evil, Great and Small (TM) aboard their head star destroyer for the purposes of seeing to his total annihilation, making sure he isn't cryogenically frozen and later brought back to life, thereby renewing the threat to the Empire and creating the need for another such ridiculously contrived excursion.

Without the financial backing of the Disney corporation, Bill Nye the Science Feeb is Dazed and Confused (TM) and has no idea what to do. Meanwhile, Lester tries to figure out whether or not that stuff coming out of his ears is supposed to be green. Winner: Beakman.

- Nick Zachariasen, Yankton, SD

Hyperwave Transmission--
Galactic Coordinates
Gamma 35782974-Mark 22984621
To: Sector Command, His Imperial Majesty, Govenor MEKLOSS 7
Your Imperial Majesty:

As you know, our plans concerning infiltration of the backwater planet "Earth" have run into a number of problems recently. One of the local squabbling nations, the "UNITED STATES OF AMERICA" has captured a number of functional star vessels, and now seeks to use two of our deep agents as aids in operating these vehicles. Their singling out of these agents strongly inplies a breach of security on the part of Sector Intelligence.

The United States usage of Replicants Lambda-B (Beakman) and Lambda-N (Nye)to unlock the secrets of our crashed intra-system cargo ferries cannot be allowed to continue. The humans' duplication of our memory tricorders are effective enough to allow the full control and reprogramming of the Lambda units. As per his factory specifications, UNIT NYE is more than capable of cracking the psionic seals of cargo ferry STILGOSS, and piloting the ship. The memory banks of the STILGOSS do contain enough information on the Stellar Infestation to seriously compromise our efforts in this Sector.

Although the Humans' eventual termination of prototype Lambda-B Beakman can be considered an acceptable loss, their Mind Wipe of the Mark II unit Nye presents a clear and present danger to the secrecy of our colonization project. As per the Sector General's edicts, no quarter must be given to primitive species in the face of the Star Hiver threat.

However, it should be noted that Science Officer Eldross recommended preservation of the primitives for further study. Her fascination with a naturally occurring CARBON BASED lifeform is commendable, and I have allowed her to obtain some samples. Since only a small number of primitives have been allowed access to our crashed ships, I have decided to undertake only a Class-IV extermination.

Standard procedures will commence in 7 Earth Days, followed by the extraction of units Beakman and Nye for reprogramming. Science Officer Eldross is allowed 5 cryogenic suspensions for further study and dissection in our labs on Planet Palnu. By the time this communique reaches your claws, the Cruiser VELAXUS, fully cloaked, will perform the extractions and disintegrate the primitive military base.

Science Officer Eldross will then dissolve the components of the inferior prototype Lambda-B Beakman, and use the genetic material to convert the superior Lambda-N Nye into a replicant of the Lizard People on Altair 7.

Your Loyal Servant,
NUERN HIRATH, CO, Observation Post Gamma, Reticula B System

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Waldo v. Carmen Sandiego
Captain Kangaroo v. Mister Rogers
Borg v. ID4 Mothership

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