World Wide Web Fights presents

WWWF Logo by Dan Willis

The Setting

From NBC News Headquarters in New York, this is NBC Nightly News (tm) with Tom Brokaw.

"The world mourns the loss of two great leaders today: former Senator Robert Dole and President William Jefferson Clinton. France's President Blacque Jacque Chirac called the act of terrorism at last night's presidential debate "inexcusable" and "tragic". Cuban terrorists, in pursuit of Ross Perot and his daughter since 1992, stormed the Toronto Civic Center during the debate and opened fire, killing the two leading candidates as well as over 50 spectators before being gunned down by secret service agents.

"The next question: what does this do for the presidential race, now just six days away? Since Perot was not allowed near the debate forum, his life was spared, making him the leading candidate. Neither of the two parties will be able to agree on a candidate in only six days, and, let's face it, Al Gore is simply too inanimate to be President. Clearly, the only possibility of someone challenging Perot would be another person with enough personal wealth to launch the massive ad campaign necessary to get that many votes in such a short time. But Bill Gates and Steve Forbes were both killed by the terrorists and Ted Turner was fatally shot by a secret service agent aiming for Turner's wife. Will anyone be able to challenge Perot? Here with his expert analysis is Al Frankin -- oh, wait...I've just been handed a bulletin...Oh, my. It appears that a new candidate has just thrown his hat into the ring. And it looks like this is going to be an interesting six days. Not to mention the next four years..."

H. Ross Perot Charles Montgomery Burns

H. Ross Perot


C. Montgomery Burns

The Commentary

STEVE: Well, this contest brings to light the truth that elections are bought; whoever spends the most money wins. In this case, there is no contest. Montgomery Burns must emerge victorious. First of all, his wealth is greater than that of Perot. While Perot may be worth only a few billion, Burns has much, much more. This is seen on numerous occasions. For instance, once Homer asked to borrow some money and Burns said he'd like to help Homer, but he couldn't afford it. At that point, his ceiling collapsed and a room full of priceless treasure fell through on top of them. It was awkward for Burns, but we see a taste of his unfathomable wealth. He owns everything in Springfield, including the nuclear power plant, which run in the billions of dollars themselves. With his superior wealth, Burns will buy every second of airtime on every station between now and the election. With a nasty one-two punch of negative ads and subliminal advertising, Burns will easily win.

Burns not only dominates in the wealth department, but the public will also like his political views. Perot's focus is balancing the budget. Burns will overplay Perot's only trump card with his own balanced budget plan: The federal debt will be eliminated in one year! Burns is such a pennypincher that he'll refuse to spend a nickel on anything. He's so greedy that he'll raise taxes through the roof (although he won't admit this beforehand). With his "Tax & Save" program, the federal debt will be history in less than a year. Of course, poverty will skyrocket, but hey, that's good for Burns too. He can get away with paying his employees lower wages. Burns '96! Burns '96!

BRIAN: You've presented me with a mightly challenge this match, Steve: which one of your glaring untruths should I point out first. Well, I'll start with your first one. Having the most money may help, but it is by no means the deciding factor. If it was, then how do you explain the super-rich Steve Forbes losing to the relatively impoverished (not to mentioned less charismatic) Bob Dole in the Republican primaries? Both of these participants have so much money that they SHOULD be able to buy anything they want, so a few billion here or there won't matter.

Note the key word there: "should". Perot knows how to spend his money. In 1992, he went from complete obscurity to a viable third party candidate in a matter of months despite several mental lapses in the middle of the election season. He almost won Alaska in a rigid two-party system! Burns, on the other hand, will screw up. First of all, if he employs the strategy you suggest, he will be ripped apart by the press and no amount of money will be able to alter his ogre-status. Second, even if he does do superbly well in the campaign, he'll get greedy. Say he's leading in the polls by 30 points on Election Eve, he'll try some huge PR stunt in an attempt to garner 100% of the vote. Similar to the "Blinky Incident" in his run for governor, his stunt plan will undoubtedly backfire, sending him into third place behind Ralph Nader. Third, we've already seen that Burns can't buy anything he wants. How much money did he spend in an attempt to win the Springfield Film Festival (tm)? Millions, if not more, and yet he failed. Then, in a desperate attempt to save face, he bought off "everyone in Hollywood" to win the Oscar with his fictional biography, only to lose to George C. Scott and "Man Getting Hit By Football". Are we supposed to believe this man can buy an election? Perot and his Electronic Town Hall (tm) in a landslide.

STEVE: I obviously have to explain things to you, since you have some naive misconceptions about how elections work. First, Steve Forbes lost because 1) He didn't dare spend nearly enough of his large fortune on campaigning and 2) His eyes are bugging out of his head. The voting public perceives this as meaning he has O.D.ed on narcotics, and therefore can't be trusted. As far as the "Blinky" incident is concerned, Burns has learned from that one. He won't be making the same mistake twice. Of course, there's always the chance that he'll forget about it, but Smithers will remind him and make sure he stays away from the Simpson family. (Burns: "Simpson, eh?" Smithers: "He's one of your drones in sector 7G. Stay away from him!" Burns: "Exxxxxcellent.")

You say Perot knows how to spend his money. Hmmm. Let's see. He spent millions of dollars in bought air time. What did he get for his money? Could it be.... NOTHING? He may have gained popularity for a short time, but it quickly reversed itself. In fact, everything Perot stood for was decimated in Washington within 2 years. The debt continued to rise, NAFTA passed, etc. Now, he is viewed upon by the public as a rich psychopathic Howard-Hughes-esque dictator. Burns, relatively unknown, will not have his history working against him like Perot will. This will be the clincher. The voting public, eternally unaware about what they are getting into, will be a sucker for the newcomer Burns.

BRIAN: Boy, Steve, you better sit down. I'm sure you're a little woozy after all that flip-flopping you just did. I point out your glaring inaccuracies about how money is the main factor, but then you put your Spin Control (tm) to work to explain away how Forbes lost out. C'mon, Steve. We all know what the biggest issue is here: The Larry King Factor (tm).

That's right. Both candidates are required by law to appear on Larry King every other night. Perot's a natural at this -- he's been on Larry King more times than Larry King. He'll woo the American public with his flow charts and his pie charts and his bar graphs. What about Burns? Well, what happened the only other time he appeared on an evening news program? He threatened the entire city of Springfield on Smartline (tm)! Once Larry brings out Burns' tyrannical side, his support will plummet, since, as we learn from the polls, America likes warm, cuddly, and slick.

Add this together with all of Burns' scandals that the press will dig up and run into the ground: He runs a nuclear power plant that breaks every EPA violation in the book; His troubles with the SPCA from this hound training practices; His "close" personal assistant with the "alternative lifestyle"; His disdain for big government ("Thank you President Ford!"); His past history as the leader of an army of the undead, etc. Once Mike Wallace gets through with him, he won't get a single vote from a non White Supremicist. The only drawback to Perot is that he's basically clueless, but heaven knows that never stopped anybody from winning an election. Perot landslides with 534 of the 538 electoral votes (with Burns taking only Idaho).

Thanks to the scores of people that suggested similar election-based and/or billionaire-based matches, but we liked this idea best.

Special thanks to Dale Abersold at Utah State University for publicizing this match on

The Results

Burns (1607)


Perot (522)

Current Match | Related & Similar Matches
History Section | Tell a friend about this match

Voter Comments


I can't believe anyone (outside of Idaho) would even THINK about voting for Perot. This will be such an easy contest. But nonetheless, I will count down the events that will occur from now until the vote. Since I saw President Clinton alive yesterday (November 1st) when he was down here in Northern Mexico (Las Cruces) I am assuming the marvelous accident which consumes the two candidates and a number of possible ones happened sometime between yesterday, and today (November 2nd). So here's a recap from now until then:

Day 1 (November 2nd): Mr. Burns announces his candidicy.

Smithers: Let's have an awed hush for Mr. Burns.
Crowd (holding lots of "Burns '96" signs): Gasp.
Mr. Burns: Compadres, it is imperative that we crush the freedom fighters before the start of the rainy season. And remember: a shiny new donkey for whoever brings me the head of Colonel Montoya.
Smithers: (whispers in Mr. Burns ear)
Mr. Burns: And by that I mean I am running for President of these United States.

Ross Perot: (later on at a press conference) Well, that's alrite that thar es sum udder patriatic Amarycin runnin' aginst me. It's lyk my ma always said, "You cain't scrub a goat with one hand on your pepe, and one hand on his."

Amercian Public: Oh crap.

Day 2 (November 3rd): Ross Perot campaings in 47 states in 43 hours. In each state he says, "It's lyk my ma always said, "You cain't whistle the pledge of allegience without three tongues playing alto and two licking the dirt of a donkey's ass."

Mr. Burns campaings in four states, and commands Smithers to campaign in the other forty six, the Republic of Guam, The Dominican Republic, and the North Pole.

American Public: Oh crap.

Day 3 (November 4th):

Ross Perot: Well, Amaryica, tomorrow you will decide who will be president, but it's lyk my ma always says, "You cain't mow the lawn with a diesel engine fixed by Tim Allen and you can't cut down the rain forest if you swivel your hand on your wrist so the genie can read your palms upside down with two twinkies, a garter snake, and a pit bull.

Mr. Burns: You are all a bunch of lazy slobbish jackaninnies! You lousy slobs, if you elect me President I will block out the sun and take over the world! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

American Public: I'm moving to Mexico.

Day 4 (November 5th, Election Day):

Ross Perot: Well, I see all ya little antie-people out at da polls today, electin' da new President of these here United States of America. But it's like my pa used to say, "You cain't beat your wyfe if ya got one hand on the syrup and the other hand whipping eggs for the souffle ya're baking for the festival tonight for when the cows come home."

Mr. Burns (Speaking to the Electoral College): Well, I see it's time for your bribe. You can either have the piles of money where the lovely Smithers is standing or you can trade it all in for "What's in the Box."

Electoral College: The BOX! The BOX!

Ross Perot (Speaking to Electoral College): I see it's time for your bribe.

Electoral College: Too Late, we already got bribed by Burns.

Ross Perot: Oh crap. Well, I guess it's like my pa used to say, "Ya cain't skin a rabbit if you don't take off your clothes and run around in the forest naked signing with the birds while drinking a keg of alkihol, and petting each of your kids with Mr. Happy."

American Public: I don't wanna "Rock the Vote" this year, let's play some more "Quake."

The election results come in. Mr. Burns wins all states except Idaho, who follow Ross Perot because they are the potato(e) state and potatoes have ears just like Ross Perot.

Mr. Burns: EEExxxcccellent.

Ross Perot: Oh crap. I guess I'll have to wait four more years. It's like pa used to say, "You cain't....(WHHHAAACCCKKK!!!!)" (Perot getting killed by hacker/slacker/non voter who is just plain fed up with that crap.

American Public: Wait a minute, we all voted for Alfred E. Neuman. We have to change this stupid Electoral College voting system.

- Some Dork

ROTW (tm) Silver Medal Winner (tm)

[Scene: Springfield Nuclear Power Plant. C. M. Burns watches a Perot infomercial on one of the monitors, as his assistant Waylon Smithers stands nearby]
   Burns: Smithers, who's that jug-eared buffoon on the television receiver?
Smithers: Uh, that's Ross Perot, your opponent in the election. 
   Burns: Perot, eh?  Have him killed immediately. 
Smithers: But sir, he's guarded day and night by the Secret Service.  
	  He even hired Clint Eastwood to make certain he stays alive. 
   Burns: Well, you've planned ahead, have you, my diminuitive 
	  counterpart.  But I wonder if even you can handle "Mister 
	  S."  Leave me, Smithers!  [Smithers leaves.  Burns begins 
	  chanting]  Coranon silaria, ozoo mahoke! [there is a puff 
	  of smoke...Satan (in the form of Ned Flanders) materializes]
   Satan: Well, howdily-doodly, there, Burnsaroony!  What can I do 
	  you for?
   Burns: I'm calling in one of my favors.  I want you to drag Ross 
	  Perot to Hell immediately.
   Satan: First, let me just check the ol' Franklin planner.  
	  [consults book] Oh, my stars!  It looks like I _am_ overdue 
	  to claim his soul!  Thanks for the reminder, Monty!
   Burns: That's _Mister_ Burns to you, you burlesque of diabolical 
   Satan: Sorry, Mister Burns.
   Burns: Excellent! 
And so, H. Ross Perot is toasted eternally on the fires of Hell, along with such well-known American evildoers as Richard Nixon, Lyndon Johnson, Roy Cohn, and Bing Crosby. Meanwhile, Mr. Burns is elected unanimously. He succeeds in getting the 22nd Amendment repealed, and serves as president until 2024, when he is followed in office by our first female president, Lisa Simpson.

- Geoduck

ROTW (tm) Bronze Medal Winners (tm) (tie)

Perot is a funny little man with a cartoon voice.
Burns is a funny little cartoon with a man's voice.
Burns wins in a landslide.

- Jonathan Murray

With the 2 party system of government in shambles, voters will decide to vote their conscience, as they failed to do in 1992. But the American people learn from their mista... wait a sec, who am I kidding? Burns will buy out both the Republicans and the Democrats, get his name on both sides of the ballot, and win by a landslide.

- Bill B.

Which one's the cartoon character?

- Rob

Call me a Republican, I vote for the guy that is real. Perot '96.

- Mark 'None of the Above' Buchheit (Brewster's Millions)

Burns can easily be moved into the election in [Dole's] place (we know Burns is a Republican) and there is no fear of scandal breaking because there is only a week until the election. Of course all the scandals will break after the election, but by then it won't matter, because if Clinton has taught us nothing else, he has shown us that the people don't care about what you did before the election. So that leaves us with a race between the Republican Burns and the Independent Perot and as the recent Halloween episode demonstrated, no one will vote for a third party candidate (Perot lost to Kang afterall) Therefore Burns has to win. Victory for us Republicans. And Burns is just the man to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule us like a king.

- Brendan Guy

We all know that Perot, no matter how much money he has to spend, will not be allowed to be in any of the debates that are sure to occur within the next six days. 'What does this mean?' you ask. Well, this means that Burns will get full press coverage at the debates (one-sided of course) as Perot will be defined as having no significant chance to win as a viable candidate. Hearing this, the american public will undoubtedly vote Burns in '96.

- Shawn B. from Golden, CO

You fools! The election is a farce...haven't you wondered why you've never seen Perot and Burns together, in the same room, at the same time? PEROT IS SECRETLY MONTY BURNS! (I must type quickly now... now that THEY know that I KNOW, they'll be coming after me...). Perot created the "Monty Burns" identity to live out his vicarious fantasies...culminating in become president of the ol' US of A. No matter who the ignorant foolish voters choose, Perot/Burns will win.

You still don't believe me? Look at the similarities...same ears, same nose, same lapses in sanity. They're one and the same, I tell you. Don't go to sleep...that's when they get you...oops, sorry, wrong conspiracy.

- Mac

I have to cast my vote for Monty Burns. Burns may tend toward the tyrant, but he isn't as completely wacked out as Mr. Perot. Certifiably insane leaders went out with syphillis.

- J. Garguilo

Its pretty obvious that Mr. Burns will bungle his campaign from the start. His first 3 choices for Vice President turn out to have died over 100 years ago. Some how, Homer Simpson ends up Vice President and foils his campaign. To make matters worse, the CIA,FBI, EPA, and department of Immigration all have serious dirt on him.

Ross Perot on the other hand has a nevous break down in the middle of one of his live infomercials, ends up being commited, and drops out of the election.

Face IT NEITHER One of these two have a snowball's Chance in HELL OF BEING ELECTED.

So. Who Does....


Face it, after theese two are out of the race, Ralph's only serious competition would be Harry Brown of the Libertarians, and John Higlam of the Natuaral Law party. Come debate time, Ralph will chew theese two up and spit them out. Ralph has a billion point IQ. He knew about the harmfull effects of Second Hand Smoke, air polution, DDT, artificial Sweetener, and Beverly Hills 90210. Perot's and Burn's campaigns will crash and burn fast than a Corvair, ALL HAIL LORD NADER!!


As if Perot could win!!!

We all know that elections are fixed. The Powers-That-Be would never allow Perot to win because he cares far too much for the country and its welfare. He's opinionated and wacky, and everyone knows opinionated wacky people are hard to control.
Burns, on the other hand, would be the perfect puppet for the People Behind the Scenes. He's rich, unscrupulous, self serving, and completely without conscience...What more could They want?

- Krys Taylor

The Simpsons will inevitably cost Mr. Burns the election. In particular, as long as Homer walks the Earth, Mr. Burns doesn't have a prayer. Not only did the Simpsons cost Burns his last election, in the infamous Blinky Incident, but Homer has also caused numerous nuclear meltdowns or near-meltdowns (including one in a training reactor), vandalized Mr. Burn's office, played his head like a bongo, and sued him, to name just a few of Homer's accidental or malicious acts of destruction directed towards Mr. Burns. It seems that costing Mr. Burns the election would be a perfect way for Homer to get revenge for his lethargic sperm.

Don't forget the rest of the Simpson clan. After all, the infamous Blinky Incident was engineered by Marge, Bart and Lisa teamed up to impeach Mayor Sideshow Bob, and, most tellingly, Maggie shot Mr. Burns. The Simpson family will be Mr. Burn's downfall.

But, as Steve would ask, wouldn't Mr. Smithers remind Mr. Burns to have the Simpsons "taken care of?" We must remember that it was Mr. Smithers who brought down Mayor Sideshow Bob, who turned stoolie to Bart and Lisa because Sideshow Bob's views conflicted with Smithers' "lifestyle." Whatever his personal attractions to Mr. Burns may be, would Smithers really allow him to be president? I think not. He would just say, "That's Homer Simpson, one of the peons in Sector 7J. Don't need to worry about him," and sit back, knowing Homer would take care of the rest. Sorry, but our next President will be Perot. (Though Mr. Burns has my vote)

- Mike "What about Nader?" Myers

Burns will win for one simple reason. Both are greedy, tyranical, power hungry, charisma-less, ogres. Ross is full of crap and tries to pretend like he isn't. Burns will be seen as at least being more honest.

The other options I would haved like to have seen:

-One of the dead candidates still wins (very likely)
-Nation takes up arms and makes move back to Monarchy. Our new king? Arnold Shwarzeneger(tm).

- Gary

Perot has basically good intentions. He thinks he knows how to run the country, and he probably has some compassion for the people. After all, he was a people, once.

Burns, on the other hand, is not, and never was a people. He has no good intentions. He just wants to dominate, rule, enslave, and get the good babes.

Now, who do you think is destined to be a politician?

If I have to tell you it's Burns, then you have been dead for a long time.!

- golfchef

Ross Perot couldn't even beat ALIENS BENT ON ENSLAVING SPRINGFIELD, nay, EARTH!!! He's surely no match for the most ambitious, powerful, ruthless man in the world, Charles Montgomery Burns. Oh, sure, Perot will try to enlist the help of Tito Puente to compose another spiteful Latin Samba against Burns ("El diablo con dineiro") but Burns knows how to deal with bad P.R.

- David Nelson

The key factor here is going to be air time. Perot, with his pie charts and 30-minute infomercials, is going to be spending a lot of money buying time-slots to get his message out to the voters. Unfortunately, the voters are already sick of them and won't watch. Burns, however, already has several years' worth of air time on the Simpsons that not only did he not pay for, but which he GOT paid for. The voters already know how he stands on issues such as poverty, the environment, business regulations, etc. Unfortunately, it's all been NEGATIVE air time. The voters have been trained by TV to believe that Montgomery Burns is a cynical, greedy louse who doesn't care about anything except his own power and money. No matter how much money he spends to convince the public he's really a nice guy, he's bound to lose.

- Morgan

Monty Burns baby Burns wins. Simply put, history foretells what will come. In this case, we have a television star going against someone who has not maintained a high profile between campaigns... I note comments regarding unfortunate incidents from Montgomery's past, however Reagan was able to successfully win consecutive terms and his experience basically amounted to a bunch of "B" movies...and some California time. Burns is already high profile, appearing for countless hours on televisions daily around the U.S.

Besides, America loves its politicians old...and as Marge says, Monty's body "may not be long on this planet".

Monty for the Millenium!!!!

- The Ham (in Van. Can.)

Of course Perot would win. Those namby-pamby liberal geeks would never vote for a man who owns a nuclear power plant! In addition, what kind of decent AMERICAN would vote for a man who has had a (possibly latent but surely there) homosexual affair with his administrative assistant? C'mon! Burns has a history that is sure to offend both sides of the political spectrum. Perot is just a distasteful little geek with a bad accent. He might even be an improvement over what we've had in the past.

- A decent godfearing AMERICAN

Burns vs. Perot!? C'mon, this is an absolute give away. We're talking about a rich texan who is respected only by . . . uuuhhhh...byyyyyyyy... oh wait a minute, I forgot. Perot isn't respected by anyone other a small group of bacteria living in siberia, who are a)not voters and b)not sentient.

Burns, unlike many people, realizes that most americans are complete and total morons. Burns will explain this to the public with every chance he gets, and they, being the morons that they are, will take this as being a remarkably intelligent statement, and Burns will eventually win by a landslide. President Burns will then take the title of President/Emperor/God/Superior and turn all americans into mindless zombies working in uridium mines.

- ken-ichi

Admittedly I have little faith in the American voting public. I do credit them with enough intelligence not to vote for Perot, they will choose the cartoon character instead.

- Allan

Brian has grossly underestimated what the American people will accept, especially in conjunction with the Larry King Factor(tm). Does anyone remember a few years back, when John Brain (tm) announced his candidacy for President of the United States? He freely admitted that his ultimate goal was world-domination, and he inspired a grass-roots movement that carried him to the brink of success, only to be undone by the revelation that he, John Brain(tm), was a mouse. Montgomery Burns possesses that same straight-forward determination that the average American Slack-Jawed Troglodyte (tm) wants in an elected official.

Also, don't count out the Estate of Walt Disney Factor (tm): every attempt Ross Perot makes to appear in public will be invariably hampered by a Cease and Desist Order (tm) from the Estate, who reserve all rights regarding the display and marketing of Dumbo's Ears (tm).

I know Monty Burns--he has a Chair at the University (tm)--Monty Burns is a friend of mine. You, Mr. Perot, are no Monty Burns.

- Justin Jones,

Sorry folks, but I have to go with reality here. Perot reminds most of the Tyson chicken guy "ItTakesAToughManToMakeATenderChicken!" Good, wholsome family values. Besides, Perot is firmly third-party, to a degree that would make Gingrich hug a tree or Nader kill a bunny. Montgomery Burns, on the other hand, exemplifies all that America was founded on yet hates. Pure, 80's 'greed is good.' He ALWAYS slips up... and his pact with Satan is sure to come to light.

Smithers alternative lifestyle may garner him 10% of the vote, but his refusal to admit to such will keep him from giving Burns an advantage.... America wants an honest, humble first lady!


Gentlemen, gentlemen, you neglected the political dynamic of our age: independent candidacies. With the big competition down, EVERYONE will be scrambling to get in. Each state will have its own Favorite Son(tm), swamping the big money, which scarcely has time to buy TV ads. November 6th dawns with 51 separate winners, and a juicy constitutional crisis. According to the 12th Amendment to the Constitution(C), when nobody wins an electoral majority, the House picks the winner from the top 3 finishers. Those would be the winners of the three biggest states: California, New York, and Texas.

California: The recent double-assassination triggers a wave of gun-control sentiment, carrying the Green Party's Ralph Nader to victory. Many people begin rethinking when passions cool, but too late!
New York: Realizing that money buys elections only because money buys media, Rush Limbaugh and Howard Stern begin blitzkrieg radio campaigns. Stern holds a slim lead in the polls until, like his gubernatorial run in '94, he drops out for no reason. Rush wins the state, and sweet revenge for his WWWF defeat.
Texas: it, I can't find a way around it. I give in. Ross Perot wins his home state.
(Montgomery Burns won his home state, whatever it was, but it was too little. "Drat! Smithers, find out the asking price for the Supreme Court. And don't be extravagant, I only need five of them!")

That January on Capitol Hill, Speaker Gingrich's thoughts run on two tracks. #1:"Boy, it'd be neat to have a President who actually likes me." #2:"Hey, if enough guys hate the new President, one might get lucky and plug him. I'd be halfway up the succession ladder."

January 20th, and President-elect Limbaugh stands proudly on the rostrum with VP-elect Jack Kemp. (Kemp won because he's for big, slashing tax cuts, while Al Gore is for ... well, trees.) Limbaugh couldn't be happier about the ex-quarterback. "It's the perfect team," he says. "The Rush and the Pass."

Now, is that Hillary I see in a black veil and toting an Uzi?...

- Call me Shane

I don't care how far they kept him from the campaign or how far ahead Burns was in the polls, several seasons of the Simpsons have proven two things: 1. Homer will always be involved in whatever Burns is doing and 2. He will always screw it up. Wealth, power and evil are impressive attributes, but they're no match for the idiocy of Homer. Simpson.

- Will Pfeifer

I think you have forgotten an important issue; Running Mates! This is where Burns will get his votes, he has Smithers! If ever there was a job that required floundering and ass-kissing, it's the Vice Presidency. And, if ever there was a floundering ass-kisser, it's Smithers.

- Matt

Just when I thought that I had seen the worst possible match-up of potential national leaders (Clinton vs. Dole), I am faced with the only possible worse-case. Would it be the psychotic little Yoda(tm) look-a-like from texas, or the psychotic satan look-a-like from Springfield. Well, as everyone knows, looks matter more than wealth in elections (that's the only explanation that I can come up with for Clinton's lead). Yoda all the way!

- KellyBee

A lot of people watch the Simpsons. The Simpsons are funny. They make you laugh. And Burns has a part in all this, endlessly scheming to take over something, or making Homer his patsy. Most of us know that, if elected President, Burns will treat us all to the same crazy hijinx we know and love.

- Shrike - I will be back for you, Rhadamanth.

Burns is a better choice than ANY CANDIDATE because he is a man of Caricature.

- Robert bluestein

Perot wins. Why?

1.Smithers "alternate lifestyle." Perot has tons of dirty tricksters left over from the Watergate days and as any Perot fan well knows, he's a sucker for conspiracies and cloak and dagger.

2.Perot gets the backing of Troy McClure. Perhaps you remember him from such past campaigns as "McGovern 1980" and "Gary Hart Part Two:This Time I Won't Quit."

3.Of course, somehow Bart will get into one of Smither's commercials and show his ass. Happens every time.

4.If Maggie could outfox Smithers, then one would suppose that a dwarf megalomaniacal rich paranoid from a steer and queer state could (be patient, I'm trying to figure out a religion angle and offend everybody).

- Masa Panico (

Burns will do everything in his power to win this election. This is not just the governorship of some no name state here. We're talking the leadership of the free world. If he's willing to hire ringers to play on his already undefeated softball team just to win a lousy million dollar bet ("I'll just throw it on the pile I suppose") then surely he will be willing to spend the dough to buy all the votes he needs to become president. And Ross should be prepared to get a visit from some of Burn's Hired Goons (TM) just before the election. So, whether through intimidation, cheating, or possibly even good old politics (nah) Charles Montgomery Burns will lead the United States Of America into the 21st Century. BOOOOURNS!!

- Da Bear

Gentlemen, gentlemen, you have both missed it completely. An election between Burns and Perot is not about money, it's about POWER.

FACT #1: Perot has a mental short-circuit -- he's paranoid. All Burns has to do is have a few shady looking cartoon characters follow the Little General and his family around. Perot will hold a press conference the next day... "I have been persuaded by the volunteeeers to step down."

FACT #2: Candidate Burns working with a few allies in the power biz can shut off the lights of every home in the U.S. I doubt Ross can turn on a light bulb. Intimidating isn't it?

FACT #3: Let's not forget the final trump card! Nuclear power can be deadly. "How are we doing in New York, Smithers?"
"We are 2 points behind, Sir."
"What can we do about it Smithers?"
"We could Nuke them sir".
"Most Excccellent!"

With Tim "the Toolman" Taylor as his running mate, Burns would be unstoppable. More Power, Arrr, arrr, arrr...

- J. Meyer

You're forgetting the Waylon Smithers factor. When Smithers is on the case there is no stopping him. After all, he kidnapped crooner Tom Jones didn't he? Who does Perot have as his lackey? Stockdale is too honorable to pull the dirty tricks needed to win this election.

Perot's hypno-charts will be tough to beat, but C.M. Burns will give that upstart Texan the thrashing of his life. I'm casting my vote for Monty B.!

- Locke

Burns, being Pure Evil (tm), will easily be able to lie his way into office by accusing Perot of being an alien robotic extremist Nazi who wants to starve schoolchildren and throw old people out of hospitals to die! He'll then render anything Perot can say useless by saying that he wants to keep the campaign free of "mudslinging" and "vicious personal attacks". If Perot mentions anything about Burns' "scandals", that will then hurt him more than Burns. So, since Perot has at least some inclination to be an honest, rational candidate, he'll lose big to any liar.

- Sir K

There's no way Mr. Burns can lose with the electronic Richard Simmons as his running mate. BURNS/SIMMONS 96!

- Malph

There is more here than meets the eye. What Perot has hidden from the American public is his advanced technology. Advanced technology? Yes. Ross Perot is really Quark from Deep Space Nine (look at the height, look at the ears!). Quark/Perot knows the history of the earth. He would not run unless he knew he was going to win.

Also, Burns has a real drawback. As anyone who has ever seen Roger Rabbit knows, Burns is a toon! Quark/Perot will expose Burns as a toon using holodeck technology. People will probably trust a space alien before they trust a toon.

- Craig Denison

Monty Burns will take a commanding lead in the early polls due to his limitless wealth and his basic evil nature which will allow him to spend on unscrupulous yet effective anti-Perot advertising. Ross Perot, being merely rich and eccentric will be sorely outgunned.

However, Burns' downfall will come when he is forced to select a running mate. Montgomery Burns, in his infinite greed will look to capture the remaining 5% of the electorate who are still backing Perot. With this in mind, he will seek to balance his ticket with some "easily manipulated boob who will appeal to the common man."

As any fan of the Simpsons knows, the obvious choice will be Homer Simpson for Vice President.

Then on election eve, with a Burns landslide all but assured, the Homergate scandal will emerge. A special report on Smartline (tm) will reveal that Homer has invested large sums of campaign money in Whitewater, thinking that he was buying an extra-foamy brand of beer for the victory party.

The voting public, having thought that they had heard the last of Whitewater, will turn away in disgust from the Burns/Simpson ticket in droves, resulting in a landslide victory for Ross Perot.

- Jeff Langcaon

This match is a bit of a joke. Perot, who isn't a viable candidate (he's actually a smokescreen Republican vote-deflector for Clinton), and Monty Burns, who's a character on The Simpsons and therefore can't win anything.

Due to the cynical nature of the American voting public, everyone stays home, doesn't vote, and we spend the next four years without a president. Strangely enough, this prompts unheard-of economic recovery, rising stock market rates, and eventually America metamorphoses into the first true Marxist state.

- Thomas Wilde

Perot wins due to the "Well known sleaze factor". Perot's money has bought him one thing, name recognition. That his name is recoginized as one of the premire psychotic, unstable, and generally annoying people in public life won't matter. The masses will vote for the only name that they have heard sooo many times, Ross "Rich Boy" Perot.

- Brian W.

At first the public is receptive, flip-flopping between candidates as each propoganda blitz hits, like the typical voter: Homer Simpson. He sees Perot on TV with some "pretty charts" and decides to vote for him. Then a Burns ad tells him that if Perot wins, Homer will be out of a job. Homer's head bounces between the campaigns like a ping pong ball - empty and wacked. Eventually he gets bored and goes to see if Bart has any Butter Fingers bars he can eat. Bart and Lisa are surfing the internet and Homer notices a picture of Harry Browne ( and asks who that guy is. Lisa explains that Harry is the Libertarian Party ( candidate for president and that he promises to end the tax, shrink government and balance the budget in his first year. Homer says "that's silly - this is a two party system". Meanwhile his brain thinks "but wait - if I didn't have to pay income tax, I'd be able to afford more donuts!". So Homer goes out and votes Libertarian. So do millions of others. There is a huge upset and HARRY BROWNE is elected president!!

Meanwhile Burns and Perot have both spent their entire fortune trying to buy the vote. They try to collect welfare but find out the Libertarians have ended the days of government handouts. Both former candidates end up panhandling on the street corner. Nelson walks by and laughs: "HAAA haaa!"


We had one response that was omitted due to its length, but which contained one line which spoke volumes and was too good not to include:

PEROT: "Can I finish? Can I finish? Can I finish? Can I finish?"

- The Listmeister

Burns wins hands (or should I say, claws) down. Burns has no conscience to speak of. He has the United States Army germ warfare division under his control. His only weakness is his teddy bear, which is probably orbiting Venus at this very moment. Perot stands no chance.

- Eric

Mr. Burns is the easy choice as Leader of the Free World. Why?

1. He's a Stonecutter. Candidates with ties to fraternal organizations usually get the nod. Bob Dole's a Mason, but if he's out of the picture...
2. The presidential candidate with largest facial features (Carter's teeth, Dukakis' eyebrows, Bush's forehead) will lose. Proportion-wise, Perot's ears beat Burns's nose eight ways to Sunday.
3. Burns can out-Perot Perot. You want paranoid? Who was afraid of germs, wearing Kleenex boxes on his feet? Burns. You want short? Who goes to great lengths to stay hunched over by tucking his shirt in deep? Monty Burns. You want crazy? Who exposed himself to a housewife? Burns. Burns. Burns.
4. The Clincher. The Larry King Factor! The Larry King Factor? Who gives a rip how well you do on Larry's show when Larry King makes a guest appearance on your show. I never saw or heard Larry King on one of Perot's infomercials...

- Greg S.

Burns will lose to Perot, who will in turn lose to some write in candidate because, as we all know, politics is a popularity game, and people with ears that large cannot be popular (i.e. Prince Charles).

- Lord Jeremy, ruler of all Southern AZ

I voted for Mr. Burns because I want to be on his good side when he wins.

- Mark Silverman

I've voted for Mr. Burns because I believe that he will represent my views on destroying the sun.

- Kelvin


1. He almost won the Governors position but blame Marge for his losing
2. It is the 90's and Smithers' "life-style" will show the public that he is not predjudice. (Also you may remember that Smithers started out with a dark skin tone and that could help with the ethnic vote)
3. You cant say that George C Scott getting hit by a football wouldn't win!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
4. Finally with all of the B.S. that the american people have gotten from real people, maybe it's time to break through another racial barrier and have an animated president.

- Burn's Supporter

I didn't vote for Perot four years ago, I didn't vote for him yesterday, and I won't vote for him for something much more important...the World Wide Web Grudge Match. Regardless, we need a president who is willing to step on toes. Even if someone else does the stepping "Smithers, would you please beat Newt senseless".

- Jon Wyse

Well, this is the best contest since Gilligan vrs Pee Wee Herman! I want Burns because he is a wolf in wolf's clothing, and these days that's a breath of fresh air!

- Terry SMITH - not SMITHERS !

Why the hell is the AMERICAN presidential debate in Toronto Canada??

- Icculus

Glad to see SOMEONE is paying attention - Eds.

True, Mr. Burns has the same sort of charmingly evil charisma we've seen before (Hitler, Satan, Bill Gates, etc.). It's also true that he's got enough money to make all Perot's assets look like chump change. However, as we've seen in various Simpsons episodes in the past, Burns was essentially born with a silver spoon in his mouth. Perot, by contrast, had to work (well, more or less....c'mon, stay with me here) for his gains. True, most of them came from raping and pillaging his own company, but I digress...

As American history shows, the people love the underdog. (Yes, I have some balls saying this after the election, but...) Perot's humble, Gump-like, American-dreamy background will work in his favor. Burns, on the other hand, will come off like the arrogant rich old fart he is the first time you get him on "Larry King Live." (But that's why we love him so much!) Also, as soon as the locusts -- er, news media -- descend on him for in-depth interviews, the editorials will go after his "association" with Smithers (but we're not touching that one with a 10-foot cattle prod, boys and girls) like Janis Joplin after the last bottle of Southern Comfort.

Perot won't even have to say anything at the debates; Burns will rapidly talk himself into a hole ("Ethnic cleansing? Exxxxcelent."), resulting in an election that strangely resembles the matchup between Bambi and Godzilla.

- Paul

I would try a write-in vote. I would support MARGE SIMPSON for President! She has the decency, compassion, and intelligence to do the job. She's also a lower-middle class soccer mom, so she understands what the "average American" goes through.

Her staff should be as follows:

VICE PRESIDENT OF THE U.S.		Ned Flanders (Despite kow-towing 		
							to the Christian Coalition.)

SECRETARY OF STATE			"Diamond" Joe Quimby
CHIEF OF STAFF				Homer J. Simpson  (Of course!)

SURGEON GENERAL				Dr. Hibbert (Yes!!)

AMBASSADOR TO FRANCE			Groundskeeper Willie
AMBASSADOR TO U.K.			Lisa Simpson


FBI CHIEF					Chief Wiggum


They would run the country into the ground in two days, but who cares?

- Andy Ho

We at WWWF would like to express our disapproval at the choice of Dr. Hibbert as Surgeon General (tm). Everyone knows it should be Dr. Nick Rivera! "Hi, everybody!" - Eds.

Burns is a crafty, evil, lying individual who will do anything to get on top. Perot has the common sense of a melon. Burns makes regular appearances on the hit show The Simpsons. Perot makes regular appearances in infomercials designed primarily as a cure for insomnia. Burns has survived a severe gunshot wound and eight long years of Homer Simpson. Perot survived the 60's without once getting laid.

- King

Brian & Steve, you have made one of the classic blunders! The first is "never get involved in a land war in Asia," but only slightly less well known is this: "never ignore the dead, especially around Halloween." HAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHA! HA!
Seriously, a couple of years ago here in New Jersey, a candidate who had been DEAD for about a week WON a political election for a local post. Recently, another dead person ran for office in a New Jersey election. So, you see, being deceased is not a barrier to public office. (And considering some of the voters in New Jersey, being brain dead is not a barrier to voting either, but that is another story).

Anyway, considering the opposition in this election, I am sure that most Americans would rather vote for the blank stare, no signs of life, zombielike, emotionless candidate than the likes of these two. The election day headlines clearly reflect this mandate of the people:


It should be a quiet four years...

- Paul Golba (with apologies to "The Princess Bride")

I voted for Monty Burns because:

1. He has Smithers as his trusty assistant. Every President has a trusty assistant with skeletons in the closet--which Smithers has, along with a huge Malibu Stacy [tm] doll collection. Who is Perot's assistant????
2. We've seen Mr. Burns in the nude, when Marge painted his picture. We all survived that, so we could survive his administration. Would anyone want to see Perot naked?
3. He loved his Teddy Bear BoBo. He can be bought by the Toy Industry.

- lynnmh

Burns will be enjoying a double-digit lead until the last day when tabloids carry copies of the dreaded nude painting of him done by Marge. Perot in a landslide.

- Rick

When I voted Burns was winning 1103 to 371. Perot can't get votes ANYWHERE!!!

- Dan W.

First off, as the fateful U.S. Presidential debate was held in Toronto, it must logically follow that the city has become American territory. On behalf of all Canadians living in the rest of Canada, let me extend my warmest thanks to the citizens of the United States for ridding us of Hogtown. We owe you one. Any favour you guys want - just ask for it.

Quick math. Burns is 104 years old. That's 1.4 Bob Doles worth of campaigning! So Burns captures over 58% (42% * 1.4) of the vote compared to Perot's tally of 8%. Burns wins everywhere save the 52nd state in the union, Toronto, and strategic parts of Mexico, which Perot bought to increase his vote count.

On the downside, at the inauguration, Burns is accidentaly crushed by the Bible he was to take to oath of office on.

- Thinkmaster General

Clearly only one person in this world is rich enough to win this auction... er, election: Scrooge McDuck! This is a man who gets his exercise by swimming in his vaults filled with gold coins. Burns may have a roomful of treasures and Perot may have a few billion stashed behind his ears, but their combined fortunes wouldn't fill the pool at their local country club, much less a Swimming Vault (tm).

Scrooge managed to buy the election by bribing the electoral college with a "Jumbo Keg" (tm). These are, after all, college kids; they understand beer more than financial kickbacks. McDuck gets all but 12 of the electoral college votes. The 12 E.C. nerds voted for Perot and his fiscal policies (each college has its share of losers). Burns, meanwhile, having failed in his second attempt at public office, decides to have a "Gorby Tattoo" imprinted on his scalp, to appeal to the voters next time.

McDuck's victory speech is televised from his estate in Duckberg, with Darkwing Duck heading up the security detail. McDuck promises sweeping changes to the government, whereby large companies, presided over by rodents, will get preferential treatment. A surprised nation, then stands for the singing of the proposed new US National Anthem: "It's a small world".

Unfortunately, President-elect McDuck never gets to do any official business in the Oval Office, as he is savagely gunned down by a confused gunman. The asassin, Elmer Fudd, is acquited because someone in the government forgot that duck hunting season coincided with inaguration day.

Dan Quail is immediately sworn into office and names Donald Duck as Secretary of State. Within two days, a third world war breaks out, when the world's foreign nations are miffed by Donald's speech impediment and notoriously short temper during a speech at the United Nations. Most Americans decide to escape the insanity by emigrating to Canada and joining the Royal Canadian Moose Mounties, led by Brigadeer General, Dudley DoRight.

- HotBranch!

Without going into (much) detail, it is obvious to me that Perot would win.

Number one, sabatoge. You cannot look me in the eyes and tell me that Bart Simpson, knowing that Mr. Burns would run for president, would actually let it pass and continue mooning people. No, Bart Simpson stands for something, and he would do anything within his power to stop Mr. Burns from taking over. What? You can't look me in the face because this is a letter? Well, tell all the lame excuses you want, but I know better.

You may wonder how Bart could sabatoge a presidential election. Well, that's where number two comes into play. Remember when Bart defended Krusty in court? That made him a national hero. The kids love him, the parents love him, anybody he endorses is in office. Of course, Mr. Burns would try to take advantage of this by telling Bart what to say on television. Far from his former, less-than subtle self, the current somewhat sneaky Bart would agree(demanding the money beforehand), then say "Can I have my $5.00 now, sir?" as if he had been innocently taken advantage of on national television. This does not bode well for Mr. Burns.

The final nail in Mr. Burn's coffin will be natural suspicion of a non-platonic relationship with Smithers, losing him the important Idaho electoral vote.

Perot by a landslide, though Smithers wil carry some of the California vote...

- A loyal Mystic Agent

You guys needed to have had a third candidate. As we all know, Perot HAS to come in third.

- Susan "Help! I'm being sucked into the WWWF world" Wright

Would you vote for someone who has recently tried to have someone killed? No. If it is in the distant past (like 3 months) then maybe they could claim they are reformed now. Anyway this is what it comes down to: Mr Burns is, as we all know, very rich but he is also a miser. It would be much cheaper to hire an expert and trained killer capable of getting past SS gaurds (say Side Show Bob) than to beat Perot at advertising. The only problem with this is that Perot is paranoid. If the plot fails then the whole thing will be recorded on the secret video cameras that Perot had installed in and connect to a secret room under his mechanical bull. He had installed these so that each day before he left his locked room he could check the house for reporters who might ambush him and surprise him into giving a comprehensible answer to a question of policy.

My prediction is that Side Show Bob will enter the grounds and be discovered by a patroling sercet service man. The alarm will be sounded and a bloody melee will ensue. Bob will be victorious but will be badly wounded and will have expanded all of his ammo (the guns of the SS are similiarly out). Dizzy from lack of blood Side Show Bob will enter Perot's bedroom. As Bob's hands touch his neck Perot will awake, see the mad look in Bob's eyes and start to say "Don't kill me" but will only get as far "don't" before he will slip into "HHHaaaa" as Bob begins to chock him and head butt him in the mouth. They will both pass out, Bob from lack of blood, and Perot from lack of air. They will both come too at at about the same time but Bob will be too dizzy to do anything and Perot will spit out a tooth with a "Vu" sound and with try to escape only to find the door to have swelled shut from all the blood Bob splattered on it. Perot will then try to think of a way to kill Bob and save his own life. After a moment his Texan spirit will inspire him to try a charge "like a herd of stampeding cattle". In his beleagued state he will psyche himself up as he makes sure of his footing. Panting he will utter the fatal word..." Hah Hah(this is panting) Cow". Bob's dizzy state will cause him to think that Perot said "don't have a cow". (To reveiw "Don't HHHHaaa vu HAH cow"). This will cause Perot to blur in Bob's mind with the hated image of Bart and Bob will gain the RAGE (tm) factor and quickly finish Perot off in a flurry of flying flesh(soon to be TM).

- Dragon

While Burns may have the greater wealth and the support of his nonexistent political history, the simple fact remains that he is an inanimate series of frames in a cartoon series. Of course, so is Perot. Perot, however, is more animated and cartoonish, and will carry the election for his sheer huggability.

- An Indifferent Citizen

Well, it's pretty obvious, isn't it? Burns is evil. Perot is just loony. America loves a winner. Burns takes every state but Massachusetts.

- -Jason-

Easy one.. Assassination. Mr. Smithers will take out Perot with a candlestick in the conservatory.

- Shawn "CyberVILLAIN" Clark

Oh sure! Everyone loves to think a cartoon character can do anything. But take a look at those eyes!!! If Forbes lost because of HIS buggy eyes Burns doesn't have a hope. Besides Perot looks like he could really be E.T.(tm) and he lost to Alf in a previous contest and if he really IS from another planet (he could be from another planet, you know) he wouldn't take kindly to losing twice and could squash some cheezy old cartoon character with both hands (paws?) tied behind his back. Besides, the one choice which would have won by a landslide wasn't included..... WHO CARES?!?!?!

- Jaques Perot

The last time I saw someone with ears that big it was an elephant named Dumbo, and he learned to FLY!! Burns can't even WALK fast w/out keeling over from exhaustion!! (of course, neither can Homer, but that's not the point ...) The point is .... The point is. The point. A flying president, right, yes, THAT was my point. And now I've made it. Thank you for rambling to my listenings.

- Dave

I voted for Burns because We all know where he stands on the issues. For example I'm pretty sure he's for gay rights (Mr. Smithers), And the war on drugs and crime we be solved with a few simple words "Release the hounds".


Perot Wins!

The scenario you give is the only way Perot could ever win the presidency, but win he will. Here's why:

1. Perot already has an established base of supporters (few though they are.) His name is on the ballot in every state in the union, I believe. Therefore, he is already at a he is already at a great advantage.

2. Burns will of course use his fortune to try to buy the election in the last few days. His propaganda machine will backfire, however, as Bart and Lisa find a way to humiliate him during a live, internationally-broadcast speech the night before the election. (Perhaps Marge's painting of Mr. Burns in the buff will mysteriously appear on the stage behind him..)

Incidentally, Burns will carry just one state: the one where Springfield is located. It seems that at the Springfield polling station there will be approximately 50 million votes for Burns. Go figure.

- Dominic Bartek

Here is an interseting match-up. An old drooling vegetable that eats apple sauce through a straw against an old drooling vegetable that eats Jello(tm) through a straw. The answer is simple. They both die from pace-maker failures and in the confusion Bill Gates' reincanated spirit takes the presidency.He then transforms America into a stock pile for cheap software. I rest my case. (Smithers, release the hounds.)

- Jester How Ujest

Done in Perot vocale, See, let me tell you why I'd kick Monty's ass. First, I'm the one who should have won the election anyway before Clinton and Dole were assasinated. Second, I was followed and my family harassed by some of the most fierce people you will ever see......the Cubans, Vietnamese, those crazy coooks from the 3rd rock from the sun, and most importantly those two big headed aliens from the Simpson's. Now if they can come down once and twice a year and nearly take over Springfield and the earth without Monty Burns doin' a damn thing he is no match for me. They came and abducted me on their way to earth capital, gave me the rectal probe and the severe beatings but I withstood it all only to turn around and kick their martian ass because I said " You can come down here to earth and take over the rest of the world but I'll be a cricket's cousin if I let you come and take over the greatest country in the world, the land where any rich person like myself and Steve Forbes can give it our all to become President." So to conclude if I can save the earth from alien domination I can kick the shit out of some wrinkly old man and his queer assistant. Now take me to earth capital and let me rule!!!!

- Apu Mahapsapeelapettlan

We have seen the future . . . and it is Burns. The relentless nature of both candidates would surely tear apart the fragile bindings of our government, but only one will obtain the presidency. Setting: All 3( or is it 4 or 5 now) major networks during the Prime Time hours. Perot has bought the next few hours of air time and is now dredging up a chart about the budget, when suddenly the TV image begins to waver. With a BLIP, Perot's image is replaced with the stalwart Mr. Burns.

Mr. B: Good Evening Ladies and Gentlemen. I now control every channel. If you ever wish to see any of your beloved shows again, you will vote for me. I will be the only image you see from this day forth until I am elected. HA HA HA HA HA HA. Good Night. {Mr. B then pushes a button and turns to Smithers} That aught to keep those slack jawed lakers in line. The very thought of me visiting the scum of the . . . {Smithers leans over and whispers something in Mr. B's ear}. Oh the BLUE button. Well, son of a . . . And with that, a large glowering image of Mr. B envelopes the screen. This image is on every channel and remains there until election day, when the largest voter turnout in history (nearly 99.9%) eagerly elect Mr. B as their new president.

This is based upon the "Bo Bo" Episode of the Simpsons as well as countless other evil plots by Mr. Burns.

- Henry Dunn

There are two simple facts you both seem to be overlooking.

The first is the often critical choice of a running mate. Since this decision will have to be made relatively quickly, Ross Perot will have nowhere to go except to reaffirm his confidence in the blundering Admiral Stockdale. Meanwhile, Charles Montgomery Burns will emphasize that he has a name better suited for the U.S. Presidency and proudly bring forth Smithers as his running mate. While Burns and Perot buy citizens' votes, Smithers and Stockdale will engage in unlively debate, with Smithers easily crushing any hopes for the Reform candidates V.P. choice. Smithers will also double-talk his way into the hearts of the American middle class, not to mention those of "different" sexual orientations.

The second overlooked fact is that 7 % of all registered voters will turnout for this election. Since Burns employs this many people, his puppets will be the only ones to voice their... "opinions."

The result, Burns wins 48 states, led by Illinois and Massachusetts with unanimous votes in their Springfields. Perot decides to hang it up regarding politics after carrying only West Virginia and Texas.

By the way, Burns looks like a better leader than Perot, too.


Although animated, I believe Burns to be less greedy than "Big Ears". A benefit of being animated, the American people can build him into what ever form we want. He can be be redrawn, after spending time in some miracle fountain, and be reborn as the tall, dark/handsom, and witty "All American" that we know the world expects from the U.S.

Its true, however, that this image would also involve hords of women, each "stack to the hilt" (as all Disney women are drawn), but this is also an all American trait that needs to resurface.

In the end, if Burns were to get out of hand, we could shoot the cartoonist responsible, thereby allowing the Vice Pres (Bart Simpson) to rule the world.

- the C-Man

Okay this one is simple. Everyone knows by now that the winner of any election is the candidate who can best play up to the media. And what does the media like better than anything else? I'll tell you. The media loves a person who is articulate, motivated, and full of motion. In short they love a candidate who is animated. Now who's the more animated of the two. Yeah I know it's a tough call but it's definately our good friend Mr. Burns. Okay I hear all of you out there arguing, "But Perot looks just like Mickey Mouse!" While that may be true, that's his only redeeming feature. He hardly ever moves, he's got that silly accent, (Sorry Texans. Please don't kill me!), and well the media is just getting plain tired of him flashing his money. Mr. Burns on the other hand is always moving around (granted very slowly), always plotting something, and well he has that really neat yellow blotchy skin. Plain and simple the media ignores Perot completely so the people think Burns is the only candidate left. As a bonus, Burns guarantees employment for his 'esteemed' opponent, White House accountant.

- Peter Heltzer -- No One of Consequence

"Smithers, who is this corpse?"

"Homer Simpson, Sir, he is, err, was one of your drones from Sector 7G."

"Simpson, ehh, never heard of him."

"He foiled your campaign for governor, you adopted his son, ran over his son, nearly married his mother-in-law, and was shot by his infant daughter. Since he has caused so much trouble in the past, I've had him and his family executed two days before the election. I thought you might like to spit on his body."

"Excellent. Now nothing will stand in my way!"

"Yes sir, Mister President"

- Nicholas Weaver

I think that there's absolutely no question about it, Burns would win.

Burns not only has enough money to BUY the election, he also has the deviousness to pull it off. Afterall, he DID try to take candy from a baby, did he not? (As if shutting off the sun in Springfield wasn't enough...)

Burns could go about this one of two ways. He could either buy off the general populace to vote for him ("I'll give you each a shiny, new, quarter if you'll vote for me."), or he could buy off the Electoral College. It doesn't matter what the people vote, it matters what THEY vote.

But I honestly don't think Burns would run for an office. It would involve too many rules and media hounds. I think he would probably prefer to buy his own country (how about Germany? "Ooooh....I'm so SCARED of the Germans...") and become the Dictator for Life.

- Wildfire

It's really very simple. Burns always loses. Always. Even if Maggie Simpson has to shoot him, Burns will find a way to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. This isn't so much voting for Perot as it is admitting that Burns is at heart completely incompetent, just like everyone else in Springfield. What happens: three days before the election, immediately after the debates (in which, Burns won all three, leaving Perot in the dust to mutter "gridlock" to himself) his election strategists tell him he needs to "warm up a little". So, somehow the Simpson family manages to louse things up for Mr. Burns (who else would do it? Milhouse? C'mon) and his campaign goes spiraling down in flames. Of course, Perot doesn't win by a landslide; he narrowly beats Lyndon LaRouche for the Big Chair. But Perot still wins. Burns makes vague threats to Homer, but they never get followed up on and anyway, Lisa Simpson helps save Mr. Burns' plant in the next season, so everything is all right.

- Chris Bird

The final debate, Perot begs the voters with his anal voice and big ears, while from the other side of the platform...."Smithers..."

"Yes Mr. Burns?"

"Beat the crap out of him."

"Yes Mr. Burns."

Smithers leaps across the platform and tackles Perot. His blind fervor scares Burns into having a heart attack and he dies. Smithers and Perot go head over heals down the stairs on the side of the platform. The roll along the ground until the slam into a speaker stand, knocking the two heavy speakers down on them. Because Smithers is a toon, and can take the punishment of having all that weight knocked down on him, The winner of the election is Smithers as the only candidate left to vote for.

- Super Secret Agent Man

The heartfelt choice here is Burns because he has demonstrated an occasional sense of humor and even rare tenderness amidst his barrages of cruelty, whereas Perot is simply a lunatic without a shard of humanity. However, Perot will win because of some last minute shenanigans that turn the race upside down:

One week before the election Perot goes on Larry King, plunks his ass down on the stack of phone books reserved for him, and announces that he is dropping Choate from the ticket. His new choice is Phyllis Diller, which bridges the Gender Gap (tm) while garnering him the coveted AARP (tm) endorsement and bringing millions of Hollywood Squares (tm) fans into the Perot fold, not to mention all the folks who confuse Phyllis Diller with Minnie Pearle or Madame from Waylan and Madame.

Burns, realizing that the only way to soften his image as evil corporate overlord is to choose--as Perot did--a washed-up 70s TV nutcase as running mate, ejects Smithers from the ticket, losing both the Gay Vote (tm) and the heretofore underreported sycophant vote. Burns' advisors make overtures to Larry Storch, who is holed up in a Vegas cathouse and hasn't seen the light of day since obtaining the entire library of Bob Crane's porno tapes from Richard Dawson. An Enquirer (tm) reporter digs up Storch's expired NAMBLA membership card, and the offer is quickly withdrawn.

In last-minute desperation, Burns calls Rip Taylor personally and offers him the second spot on the ticket. Taylor accepts on the condition that he gets an hour-long variety show with Krusty as lead- in and 200 metric tons of confetti. The bold move once again attracts the Gay Vote (tm), but no one can really figure out whether Taylor is or isn't, so half of the Gay Vote (tm) goes back to Perot because Phyllis Diller reminds them of a drag queen anyway.

The night before the election it is revealed that Phyllis Diller and Madame are in fact one and the same: a ventriloquist's dummy. Pundits rush to condemn the choice of a wooden puppet as a running mate, but then recant when they realize the very same tactic worked quite well for Clinton in '92. The final tally: Perot/Diller - 48%; Burns/Taylor - 39%; and surprise write-in McLean Stevenson with 8% in a last-minute grassroots surge of the rabid Hello, Larry (tm) fan club.

- -brent buford

Both candidates would run the country into the ground, but Burns will win because of one reason: the Springfield Factor (TM). The race would be an extremely close one, since voters would be extremely apathetic, and turnout would be low. But in close races, small advantages would push one candidate over the top. And for Burns, the Springfield Factor would do it. The springfield factor is that Burns is from Springfield. Springfield where? Well, that is the question. Virtually every state in this country has a Sprinfield, and the American public, being essentially a bunch of idiots, will instanty consider Burns a hometown boy, and vote for the Springfields most respected 104 year old citizen. Perot will win only Texas, and Burns will carry the rest of the country.

- Tony

Well, while Burns will come close, he will lose for one, and only one reason: he will pick Homer Simpson as a running mate. :)

'Balanced Buget?? Ooo...Donuts!"

- Sir Crash

Something that Steve and Brian seem to be forgetting is the Evil factor. Burn's Good/Evil switch is permanently soldered to the evil position. Since Burns has learned that buying off judges doesn't nessesarily work, he will resort to more devious devices. If direct threats to Perot don't work, Burns won't hesitate to "destroy him" tactics. This will be quite easy since Perot's head of security is Lyle Hutz. You may know him from such films as "Me and the Banjo Kid", "Sam the Samurai goes to College", and "Pardon Me, I Seem to have Forgoten my Pants." Burns rules the world by 2000.

- Big Red

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Boris Yeltsin v. Ted Kennedy
Imelda Marcos v. Leona Helmsley
Other Simpsons based Grudge Matches

Home | History | Suggestions | FAQ | Stats | Links
Awards | Commentators | Real Life | Fun Stuff | Studio Store

© 1996, WWWF Grudge Match; © 2000, Dragon Hamster Productions, LLC