Welcome race fans to the second annual WWWF Road Rally, sponsored by Otto's School Bus Driver's School (MOTTO: 8 arrests and ZERO convictions!)! This year, the contest is a cross-country dash from Boston to San Diego with the winner taking home a cool $10 million. Of the three hundred entries, six favorites have emerged. Let's take a look:
Our first team is the brother pairing of "Joliet" Jake and Elwood Blues, with their police-issue Bluesmobile. They plan to use the prize money to buy out Sister Mary Stigma's St. Helen of the Blessed Shroud Orphanage and rename it to Our Lady of Buggery and Blues.
In lane two are Thelma Dickinson and Louise Sawyer. Louise has the wheel of the Thunderbird convertible and Thelma, as always, is packing heat. They've apparently given up fishing trips for bigger game.
Lane three holds the stalwarts of the Cannonball Run, J.J. McClure and his sidekick Victor. The zany duo has participated in the original two Runs, and are looking forward to thwarting their competitors once more.
Next up is Speed Racer in the internationally famous MACH 5. Speed and the rest of the Go Racing Team are ready for this next racing challenge, assuming they can figure out where Spritle and Chim Chim went to...
Next, standing beside their orange '69 Dodge Charger the "General Lee" are Bo and Luke Duke, the pride of Hazzard County (Motto: "We got your convenient ramp-like terrain features right here!"). The Dukes plan to use their prize money to pay off legal fees incurred defending against an NAACP lawsuit over the decorations on the General.
And finally, from the NASCAR curcuit is the infamous Dale "The Intimidator" Earnhardt. He is fingering his mustache mysteriously...
So many great competitors! I have just been passed a bulletin... To fulfill our sponsorship obligations, a checkpoint has been setup at the Springfield Town Hall in the great state of [sound of car horn]. Really? Well, that should make for an interesting route. Let's go down to trackside as the race is about to start!
So HotBranch!, engage your engine and evaluate this expeditious engineering event.
Please welcome back Vlad, Guest Commentator of Wonder for Car Chases
and Mr. Silverback as WWWF guest commentators. Because 5-way-contestant
matches are light on commentary, we felt it was necessary to let them double up.
HOTBRANCH: Six words: WE'RE ON A MISSION FROM GOD! That's all there is to it. The Blues Brothers have divine intervention to guarantee their victory. Staying out of jail isn't as certain as their win, but the Lord will make sure they reach the finish line first. The Bluesmobile has a 440 cubic inch plant, cop tires, cop suspensions, cop shocks, and speed by Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration. The only thing wrong with it is the cigarette lighter.
They even have support from the entertainment world's heaviest hitters, including Ray "deadeye" Charles riding shotgun (literally), Frank Oz and his buddy Yoda (don't forget The Force!), and even Steven Spielberg. When you team Jake and Elwood up with God and gods of entertainment, it's no wonder they escaped from a jilted Carrie Fisher, toting a machine gun AND a military-issue FM-121 M-79 flame thrower!
Face it, when you front a band that's powerful enough to turn goat piss into gasoline, you don't finish behind anyone. Ever. It's 2582 miles to San Diego, they've got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark and they're wearing sunglasses. HIT IT!
MARK: Thelma and Louise against a bunch of guys? Yeah, that's wise. Thelma and Louise have shown such patience with men in the past. I guess they did only KILL one guy, but they also blew up a truck and put a cop in a trunk. Okay, they were robbed by a man, but that was Brad Pitt--my wife says he could get away with it. However, they aren't going against Brad Pitt here, are they? Plus, a dude robbing them is only going to reduce their patience with men.
Let's not forget that the drivers have a checkpoint in Springfield. There's a stereotype out there which claims men won't ask directions. Springfield ain't on the map, so anyone trying to find it is going to have to ask for directions. If the men won't ask, then they'll be driving all over the country trying to find it.
Thelma and Louise will cruise to San Diego with a wake of confused CARcasses behind them. Remember, you can't spell Thelma Dickinson and Louise Sawyer without "We hate all men."
VLAD: J.J. and Victor will rise again, much to the dismay of the other cars. I mean, really! We're talking about guys who kidnapped Farrah Fawcett at the peak of her career! With the '80s style sexpot in their corner, they're guaranteed to clean up! And once you hear the "Buh buh baaaaa!" when Captain Chaos makes his appearance, all heck will break loose.
All you have to do is look at the competition. Although Elwood and Jake are on a mission from God, they'll be stopping at every bar on the route performing their repertoire (including Moe's, with Barney shouting for Chilly Willy). Thelma and Louise will go jumping off the first cliff they see. Speed Racer? Even Jackie Chan in a Japanese custom couldn't win the first Runs. I used to watch the Dukes of Hazzard as a kid, and seeing them in reruns on TNN doesn't exactly thrill me the way it used to. (Oh, look. They caught four feet of air. Yippee. Rah.)
Besides, have the previous runs actually made it to the finish line? There's usually a brawl before the end of the race, and with one or two DeLuise splashes from the top rope, there won't be anyone left for crawl over the finish line.
My prediction: Dom in the middle of a whole lotta gore...
PAUL: It comes down to a simple analogy:
Poobah : Rest of Commentators :: Professional : Amateur
Yes, Speed Racer is a PROFESSIONAL racer which puts him in a completely different league. Any man who wins ridiculously dangerous races (with people trying to KILL HIM no less) can beat these wannabes any day of the week. In fact, that jerk Dale Earnhardt would be the only real competition except that, ironically, he will be run off the road by a 79-year-old grandmother in a 1961 Rambler. There will be no yellow flag THIS TIME, pal.
Then there is the MACH 5, a car that makes KITT look like a Pinto with a bad sound card. Not only is it equiped with gadgets like "jump jacks" and "twin powered rotary saws" (BZZZZZ!), it is a Japanese car taking on a bunch of pre-Iacocca American junkers. Unhindered by constant repairs and having to stop for gas every 30 minutes (3 miles per gallon city, 4 on the highway!), Speed has the overwhelming edge in the vital Pit Stop Factor(tm).
While Detroit drug dealers use the General Lee's "Stars & Bars" for target practice and Captain Chaos tries to make headway on two wheels after a stop at an all-you-can-eat buffet, Speed is basking in the glory of San Diego. GO SPEED RACER GO!
MISTER SILVERBACK: From what I've seen so far Paul, that analogy would be better expressed as Poobah : Rest of Commentators :: Idiot with a title : Idiots without titles. I haven't seen so many missed points since David Rappaport and Billy Barty had a slam dunk contest. Luckily, I'm here to clear things up. The key to a rally such as this is successful evasion of law enforcement. Let's look at the players:
The Blues Brothers: Refresh my memory, where were these guys when the credits rolled? It's hard to win a race when you're busy converting all your cash to the Prison Menthol Standard.
Thelma and Louise: These two brian-donors drove off a cliff to evade the cops. It's hard to win a race if you're dead, or if you're starring in Thelma and Louise II: Group Shower-A-Go-Go.
Speed Racer: Almost any reasonable route to San Diego will include hundreds of miles of highway in the Deep South. It's hard to win a race when you're discovering the exact cultural context of the English phrases "Squeal like a pig" and "What we have heah is a failyuh to communicate."
Earnhardt: Last time I checked, the only flashing blue lights at the Nascar tracks are the ones on the ambulance. It's hard to win a race when you're gettting to know your new cellmate, an outlaw biker named Edna.
J.J. and Victor: They're good, but the Dukes know their weaknesses (women for J.J., food for Victor). All they have to do is put Daisy out on the highway with a platter of Uncle Jesses Marinated Hog Jowls and Chitlins, with a side of Porkfish Casserole, and those two boys will be occupied for hours while the Dukes cruise to victory.
Sorry to break it to you guys, but those Good Ol' Boys are making their way the only way they know how, straight to victory lane. As for the other contestants, y'all hang on tight to that soap, now, y'hear?
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Therefore (I'd make the three little dots if I could): Captain Chaos (and J.J.), due to a flawless logical syllogism.
Hmm&But if Love is Blind, God is Love, and Ray Charles is therefore god; and Ray Charles helped out the Blues Brothers (who are already being helped by Gadt); then it is Order and God vs. Chaos and Godlessness. The world is heading for chaos, though, so it's still J.J. and the Captain.
With the power of the Almighty behind them, there's no way the Dukes can lose. Heavenly power will smite down Earnhardt and Speed Racer (well, Speed's car; in his mercy the Lord will probably spare Speed's life)and Dom DeLuise's obvious resemblence to Boss Hogg means the Duke's standard techniques will probably overwhelm his team without even touching their divine abilities. Thelma and Loise, as dead people, either have been condemned to the infernal realm by the Almighty or are in his service in Heaven, either option removing them as an impediment to the Lord's work. As for Jake and Elwood, the power of the Blues Brothers will obviously be harnassed for the benefit of the Duke boys thanks to Jake and Elwood's willingness to serve God; the Blue Brothers will devote themselves to clearing the path before the Lord's chosen of Nazis and police cars, while singing choruses of "Rawhide" to appease the country-loving living symbols of God's power upon Earth. This one goes to the Duke boys in a blaze of heavenly glory.
- "Mad Dog" Mike
The Blues Brothers may be on a mission from God, but they're limited by the Catholic religion. In the Exorcist, it takes the entire movie for Catholics to drive out ONE demon. In any Japanese anime, the Buddhists and Shintos are able to drive out hordes of demons in SECONDS. In fact, in Devil Hunter Yohko 2, Yohko's manager actually TIMES HER WITH A STOPWATCH when fighting a demon! Case closed.
Thelma and Louise think they're the epitomy of womanhood? Well, they obviously haven't faced the hordes of certified lesbians in Japanese animation, all of whom are armed with such weapons as magic wands, giant robots, and the ever popular Akagiyama Missiles(TM).
As for the Duke Boys, they're from GEORGIA, for crying out loud! The Duke Boys can't even spell with a 26 letter alphabet. Japanese children learn TWO Japanese alphabets, PLUS the Roman alphabet, PLUS up to 2,000 Chinese characters by the time they graduate high school!
And as for Dale Earnhardt, well, he's driving an AMERICAN car ("Amerika no kuruma", or simply "kuso", in Japanese.) Speed Racer is driving a JAPANESE CAR ("Nihon no kuruma", or "ichiban", in Japanese.) Need I say more?
I haven't mentioned Cannonball Run since I haven't seen it. However, I think that Jackie Chan is so pissed off from being given such a small role in that movie that he'll call upon the entire Hong Kong film industry to support their Asian brothers, thus all the competitors will be gunned down by Chow Yun-Fat (before The Replacement Killers) in a movie directed by John Woo (before Broken Arrow).
- The Otaking
First of all, in the series, he always won. Despite legions of wanna-be Speed killers, Speed was able to thwart their plans to ruin him and the Mach 5. With or without Racer X assisting him, he was not only able to survive high-speed crashes with only a gasp of shock from immobile lips, he was able also to keep Spritle and Chim Chim alive inside his trunk with only the most humorous bumps and bruises suffered.
Second, the group will be passing through Springfield, and the only racer who could handle the two dimensional world would be Speed (save possibly Burt Reynolds... I'll give him that he's probably the second most likely to survive in a two-dimensional universe). As Speed passes through Springfield noticing nothing dramatically different, the rest of the racers will be getting used to either going straight forward or straignt back and will easily become disoriented by passing the same tree twelve times.
Finally, should all the cars break down and all the racers be forced to get out and beat each other up until there is only one left standing, the only one who won't be beaten to a bloody pulp is the one without blood. All Speed needs to do is turn sideways and disappear.
There is no real choice, is there?
- Hurricane Andrew
if i was omnipotent and allmighty i wouldnt let a load of puny mortal moterists beat MY missionarys...
...but with the whole of creation to mess around with i might lose intrest and be somewhere else that day, AND since money is the root of all evil i might decide the prize money would spoil them and make them lose.
- i belive in god, im just not sure i trust him
One: I live in the area, so despite the fact that the city of Chicago claims the whole production still owes the city millions, I am contractually obligated to vote for Elwood and Jake.
Two: The Bluesmobile continued to drive at speeds well over one hundred MPH with a THROWN ROD! Geez, that's one tough freakin' car! As long as the keys are in the ignition, it seems that the car must run.
I predict that the Blues Brothers are the only ones to finish. The entire city of San Diego will be consumed in the fireball that ensues after Elwood takes the keys out of the ignition, however...
- Squidboy of the Windy City
"It's 2582 miles to San Diego, they've got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark and they're wearing sunglasses.HIT IT!" Halfway through the race they quit the race to go to Idaho. Why Idaho? I don't know. Maybe they like potatos. They lack the commitment to win the race.
In the words of the boy in Stand by Me, "Superman is real and Mighty Mouse is a cartoon!" It takes weeks to years to animate five minutes of a cartoon. By the time they draw Speed's foot to the floor, the race will be over.
Bo and Luke Duke:
The real world doesn't have a soundtrack. Bo and Luke won't know how to drive without something fast and twangy playing in the background. Moreover, one night they left the windows open, like always, and someone stole their stereo, leaving them unable to improvise their own chase music.
Twenty-two hours into the race Dale will have gone over 50,000 miles. . .and have passed the starting line 20,000 times. Unfortunately, the checkered flag never comes and Dale starves to death while driving in circles.
J.J. McClure and Captain Chaos:
I AM VERY UPSET WITH YOU FOR PUTTING THESE GUYS IN THIS MATCH!!!! Someone could have been seriously hurt. A friend of mine was sent into two hours of convulsive laughter after seeing them in this. For two hours all we could hear from him was painful laughter and the word "Who?" The next time you put someone so obviously outmatched into one of these, please include a warning on the top of the page.
Leaving us with. . .
Why Thelma and Louise won:
Point: They drove off of a cliff at the end of their movie.
Point: They are in the race.
Quandry: How did they survive?
Possible solution #1: The Thunderbird can fly
Possible solution #2: They are indestructable
Possible solution #3: They didn't survive and are racing as spectres.
Result: Any of these solutions would give them the necessary edge to win the race. Combine their whichever power they get with the fact that, as stated above, none of the other participants will finish the race and you have a winner: The big T&L!
- Al B Tross
Thelma & Louise - Everyone knows that women can't drive! Plus, with frequent stops in truck stop diners to use the washroom for "feminine issues", they would be sure not to cross the finish line first.
As for our Cannonball Run crew, disaster strikes when Burt Reynolds loses his toupee in a ditch and has to turn around to find it. Also, Dom weighs down the right hand side of the ambulence.
Dale Earnhardt's chances are also slim. He'll take the first corner and spin out, anyway. If he manages to get his machine going again, everyone will be too far ahead for him to catch up and try his crappy smash tactics to his own advantage.
Bo and Luke Duke represent the same poor white trash as folks from Spittleville County, and everyone knows that the people of Springfield don't take too kindly to those pugnuckers anyway. Watch how chief Wiggum tosses their sorry butts in the can after his two crooked cops catch them in a threesome with country sensation Lorlinne Lumpkin under the statue of Jebahdia Springfeild.
After much rehab, Jake slips into a relaps after he snorts the lyme chalk at the starting line of the race, much to the horror and dismay of Elwood, and they never get off the starting line. Poor Jake's brain will sadly hemmorage, and he'll pass on to heaven through that big straw-way. Don't worry though, Elwood will be back with a crappy movie featuring an obnoxious fat guy and some yappy little punk kid.
That leaves speed racer as the only possible winner. Not only does his car kick, but if he happens to get in to an accident, the crappy animation is easy to redraw. Actually, just redraw him crossing the finish line in San Diego. Winner!
With Al Cowling(sp) at the wheel and O.J. threatening to kill himself, the police will close all the roads for everone but them. They'll have no problems making the cross-country run in record time (even if they average 45 MPH).
Also with a name like Simpson, and being forced to go through Springfield, I'd say that the fates are with them.
So please consider this my write-in vote for O.J. and Al.
- Weird Uncle Dave (DAT@megsinet.net)
THELMA AND LOUISE: No less of a bad*** than Carrie Fisher-- the only woman in the galaxy with the cojones to boss around a Wookie-- came after the Blues Brothers with a staggering array of weaponry, from rocket launchers to automatic weapons to flamethrowers. And guess what? Not only were Jake and Elwood unhurt-- they didn't even notice. Now you're going to tell me that Thelma and Louise and their little pistols are even going to make a dent?
THE DUKES: Sorry, but Jake and Elwood also have extensive experience in outsmarting axe-handle-toting slack-jawed country boys. Look for Bo and Luke to take a flying jump straight into the side of an overpass, all while Elwood is charming the Daisy Dukes off Daisy Duke. (It's the petty larceny. Chicks dig it.)
DALE EARNHART AND SPEED RACER: Sorry, but Mr. Intimidation is nothing compared to the steely, I'm-gonna-git-you-sucka glare of TBB's Steven Williams... and look how much good _that_ did him in the end. As for Speed Racer, gadgets and gizmos are all well and good, but anyone who's seen the movie knows the Bluesmobile is an Unstoppable Juggernaut of Destruction. (TM) Heck, Belushi would probably eat that stupid little monkey. Besides, Jake and Elwood outran the Lake County Sherriff's Office and the entire Chicago P.D. They're really, really good at outrunning people.
J.J. AND VICTOR: Let me get this straight... John Belushi and Dan Akroyd in their comedic prime... versus Burt Reynolds... and Dom DeLuise. Uh huh. I got one question for you: WHAT ON EARTH HAVE YOU BEEN SMOKING?
So there you have it. The Blues Brothers cannot be stopped (unless, of course, they make a sequel. Shudder.) Not by a mush-mouthed Japanese prettyboy with a neck scarf. Not by an ad-emblazoned circle-driver. Not by a couple of grinnin', empty-headed good ol' boys. Not by a couple of washed-up wannabes. Not even by two pistol packin' ladies.
Note to the competitors: Like Miss Aretha says, you better think about it.
- Dear Lord, I have too much time on my hands.
- Redneck NASCAR Fan
Therefore, I don't really care who wins, as long as it ain't Bo and Luke. Dammit, SOMEBODY owes me for that childhood trauma.
This means lots of cheating will occur. Cars will be diverted into malls, giant octopuses will be thrown onto the road, and the entire state of North Dakota will be blown up in one particularly flagrant attempt to flaunt the rules.
So, who among the racers can survive such wholesale cheating? Only the Blues Brothers have consistently survive such daunting driving challenges and avoided pileups of hundreds of cars. Not even the cartoon power of Speedracer is used to such mass carnage.
So the race will end with Dick Dastardly being struck by a holy lighting bolt a mere hundred feet from the finish line, and be forced to suffer as the Blues Brothers win, and every other contestent crashes into Dastradly's car.
All six cars hit the Springfield town barrier simultaneously. Unbeknownst to the racers, three pounds of jagged glass sits right at the border. Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel waits behind the "Welcome to Springfield (Please boil your water)" sign with a few dozen of his children. "Chiilun, get ready to grab them hubcaps when they come a rollin' off. Daddy can trade them in for some Red Man."
Five of the cars bounce back from the border, since they're not animated. Speed Racer goes right through, blows four flats, and proptly forgets the race when he sees Mr. Sparkle walking down the street.
The other cars rev up, and plow into the barrier. Bo and Luke Duke go through, morphing into their animated images from that crappy cartoon on Saturday morning where they were racing the sheriff around the world. They blow four flats, then try to jump over Springfield gorge on foot.
Dale Earnhardt also goes through, since he was on a King of the Hill, and the KOTH/Simpsons world is shared (see that football episode). He goes into the Springfied Mystery Spot and joins Ozzie Davis in the Phantom Zone.
Thelma and Louise sorta go through, but come out as Marge and Ruth Powers. "Well, I didn't think we did a TOTAL ripoff," Marge sighs, "I mean, we also ripped off Dragnet in that same episode."
Similarly, the Cannonball Run guys sorta go through, but come out as a couple of dogs. They are then kidnapped by Fat Tony for school milk.
This leaves Jake and Elwood, who spend the next hour bouncing into the barrier and being hurtled farther and farther back. "Forget the town," Elwood says, "I hear Shelbyville's got some nice toast."
- Kilgore Trout
Mach 5 < General Lee < KITT & Hasselhoff < Tom Jones
which takes Speed and the Dukes out of the running. Who is left?
- Denis "Okay, I got inspired" Moskowitz
JJ McClure: Loni Anderson
Burt still has some unresolved ... issues ...
The Blues Brothers: Jack Nicholson
John Belushi never forgave him for Goin' South.
Thelma & Louise: Gina Davis's career
She's looked every place else.
Bo & Luke Duke: Mulder & Scully
Their kind ain't welcome in Hazzard County.
Speed Racer: a kid and a chimp
Nothing beats having a lower primate handy.
It doesn't matter how pumped and primed you are, whether the Mach 5 pogo jumps and cuts up the other drivers with buzz saws, or Space Ghost's arm bands allow him to fly unprotected and invisible in the vacuum of space and turn alien war machines into smokey ruin, you can still mess up, get captured, and get tied up by your most hateful enemy.
Make no mistake, if either Speed or Space Ghost are in the race, someone named Zartan will capture whoever's in the lead, and it's mean streets if you don't have a monkey. The monkey will still bail you out, no matter how much of a dipstick you are.
As for Dale Earnhardt, he will star as the enigmatic Racer X, and will actually assist Speed to the finish line.
- Mike Leung
The Dukes cross the finish line, take the 10 million, pay off their tickets, and eventually go back to Hazzard County to fix up the General Lee so that get them doors that open and close!
- *SHAMELESS PLUG*
#263 is a black GMC custom van with red trim. The driver, none other than the paragon of Grudgeness", the mascot of Ground Zero" himself, Mr. T"" (yes, Mr. T"" deserves two "'s).
The A-Team proceeds to run Thelma and Louise off a cliff, get the Blues Brothers" "sent to prison for a crime they didn't commit", crunch Speed Racer's itty-bitty import, nudge Dale Earndhardt down a wrong exit to Daytona, tell those has-beens J.J. and Capt. Chaos to "shut up, foo'"" and Mr. T."" gives Bo and Luke Duke some air time of their own.
Never mess with Mr. T.""
- Tristan "The Griffon Master"" Pratt - see, I get my own little " now
And Mark...a recent survey found out that men DO ask for directions more often then women do. Sorry to point out the flaw in your arguement. :-)
- Peter Smith
So me maties lets take a look at de guys.
Biner: What be your name laddy
McClure: I be...er... I J.J. and this is my friend Captain Chaos.
Biner: WHAT DID YOU SAY
McClure: Captain Chaos
(Biner quickly grabs both Mcclure and Chaos and throws them into some handy shark infested water.
Biner: Der'll be no Captain's but I. Dat Clear? and who might you 2
Thelma: I'm Thelma and dis is Louise
Biner:Dem's be wierd pirate names. dat be a nice hankee on yu head.
Louise: Thanks, but we're not pirates
(suddenly it dawn's on biner that these contestants are female)
Biner: I see. You be my wenches for tonight.
(Other pirate grabs Thelma and Louise and drags them down to the captain's quarters.)
Biner: Who be You?
Speed Racer: I'm speed racer
Biner: huh? What dat ting
Speed Racer: This is my monkey.
Biner: Is it Jewish.
Speed Racer: huh?
Biner: It's got dat funny hat.
Speed Racer: I don't know what that is.
(That monkey catches site of dat Biner's Parrot and reaches down to throw some brown substance at the parrot. The parrot falls from it's perch and angers Biner) oh crap
Biner: AAARGH, Pirates and Monkey's don't mix, cept dat on game with
da pirates and monkeys. You know what me talking about.
Speed Racer: Monkey Island?
Biner: No the other one with pirates and monkies, anywaw, wasn't me going ta kill ya?
Speed Racer: umm... no
Biner: Wrong answer (Speed Racer Dies in some grousom manner.) Who is yous
(Jake and Elwood open their mouths but spontainiously combust do the SNL curse)
Biner: Grunts, Wells sense yous be the only three left, I best gives you da pirates test now.
Funny Dukes oh hazard Voice over guy: Well looks like the duke boys got them in a bind again. As you can imagine finding a friend in another good ol' boy (Dale Earnhart) and southern accent soundalike (Biner), the foursome gave up the million dollar cannonball run and settled for raiding the carribean with dear ol cap'n biner.
By the way they got transported to Biner's ship by o let's say a ... dimensional portal. Sounds good.
P.S ARGH Me hurdey's
- The one and only Mighty Mighty Captain Biner
Moral: Don't mess with a daredevil cartoon. You could be his next roadkill.
- -Da Bull
The Blues Brothers: It is true that at the end of the movie they were arrested. Note that is *the end of the movie*, and it took most of the Chicago police force and the local Army reserves to do that. Also the furthest they went from Chicago is southern Wisconsin (translation: they did not try to escape the area). Cops will not impede their way to San Diego.
Thelma and Louise: They drove off of a cliff after being chased by not nearly the force The Blues Brothers had faced. Survey says& X
J.J. McClure and Captain Chaos: It is a well known fact that J.J. McClure is indeed the Bandit, and his law evasion skills speak for themselves. Problem is he has Dom DeLuise with him, and any time they have to stop, it's going to take him ten minutes to get his ass out of and back into the car. Fortunately for them, the time can be made up on the road.
Speed Racer: Although the Mach 5 is much faster than any of his opponents' cars, Speed is a law-abiding citizen. He would never break the speed limit on the streets and will not use his weapons on his fellow racers. If he brings Trixie with him, he will never win because men and women never have to drain their bladders at the same time.
Bo and Luke Duke: The Duke Boys are veterans at escaping law enforcement. Since Hazzard County is in Georgia (check the plates on the front of the police cars), and anyone who can speed through a state that has cop cars every five miles on the highway is pretty damn good. If they stay away from inner city neighborhoods, they have a shot.
Dale Earnhardt: All he has to do is go through the South and he will be untouched, at least until he gets to New Mexico.
Any trip to San Diego must go through the desert or the mountains, so which of the remaining contestants are capable of keeping their cars running.
BB: If they kept that piece of crap car running, they know what they are doing.
McC and CC: McClure/Bandit went to Florida State, which means he has no clue about anything (technical) whatsoever. Chaos could have caused trouble for the other contestants, that is, if McClure didn't leave him at that buffet restaurant in Chattanooga, Tennessee.
Duke Boys: Bo and Luke work on that damn Charger all the time, and even made into a 4X4 once. They have the skills.
Earnhardt: Dale has a pit crew to work on his car. Even if he by chance knows what he's doing, he's got to be perfect, since the other three contests have another person with them. The odds are against "The Intimidator".
So now it's between the Blues Brothers and the Duke Boys. Who has the best backup?
BB: Jake and Elwood have a band. But where were they when the Brothers needed them most?
Dukes: Have their cousin Daisy. You know, the one with the tight shorts. The one who could make a gay man straight. Unfortunately, the Dukes are rednecks. And going 3000 miles with a hot girl in your back seat is kind of tough...
The Blues Brothers walk away with the cash.
- Sir Marcus Walker, Slayer of Morons
Oh, wait a minute. The Blues Brothers can't sneak around. Unless Minnie the Moocher was playing, then they could do it. But they'd still win.
- Tracer MAlone
The first hazard spot is of course the one in Kansas. Dale Earnhard and Speed Racer, being professionals, are of course in the lead at this point. The two are neck-and-neck with each other, periodically switching places as one passes the other at 90mph, scaring the living daylights out of the regular traffic on the road. All's going well for them until they come across this one intersection, which is not a normal cross intersection, but a traffic circle. Dale and Speed are used to going around in circles, and that's what the two of them end up doing at 80 per. (They had to slow down a bit to avoid flying off the road.) The real trouble occurs when contender #3, J.J. McClure finally gets up to the circle, fails to stop in time, and runs smack into the (probably quite dizzy) Speed Racer. The resulting pile-up takes Dale out of the race as well.
Thelma & Louise, Jake & Elwood, and Bo & Luke all zip around the accident scene, continuing in the race and doing untold damage to the Kansas corn fields. Eventually they get to Arizona, and the Grand Canyon. Thelma and Louise, unable to resist a cliff, promptly jump off to their doom as Vlad sagely predicted. But what Vlad missed was that they won't be the only ones. In a misthought attempt to beat Robbie Knieval to the punch, Bo and Luke Duke attempt to leap the General Lee over the "biggest pothole in existence." Sadly, their attempt fails and the Blues Brothers take the prize, slowed down only by the difficulty in finding out just which of the 50 Springfields in the U.S. is the one where the checkpoint is.
The Blues Brothers, Speed Racer, and the Duke Boys -- arguably the three best contenders in the lot -- have one thing against them: the Nostalgia Craze. Their cars are going to be picked apart by the human vultures known as Collectibles Dealers, eagerly licking their chops at a chance to sell, say, "the authentic homing robot from the Mach Five" at a grossly inflated price to some shambling mess of a completist (aren't they all?) at a convention.
The last concern is obviously Software Superiority. This is 1999 -- everything goes back to software. Dale Earnhardt may have a licensed video game under his belt; I don't know and I don't care. What I do know is that our Captain Chaos put out a little CD-ROM a few years back called "Cooking with Dom DeLuise". This program featured a big red button at the bottom of the screen simply labeled "DOM"; the other four of you who've played with this already know what I'm talking about. Let Dom himself explain it in an actual quote from the software:
"The Dom Button -- well you never know, what it will do."
(I like how he has to take a deep breath every three or four words these days.) Anyway, pressing the Dom Button just cuts to one of many videos showing clips from some sort of "hilarious" Full-Motion Video blooper reel. Powered by this sort of technical brilliance, Jack Horner and the Magical Talking Skateboard stick it to The Man.
- -Zartan Moloch, the International Bastard
Speed Racer: A cheesy cartoon character. Therefore, he will be vulnerable in Springfield. All that has to happen is for Homer & Bart to take a visit and look at the Mach 5. Then, after some buttons get pushed by our oafish visitors, the Mach 5 will explode. If Homer is klutzy enough to cause a reactor simulator with no radioactive material to actually meltdown, the Mach 5 is toast. The other competitors, not being cartoons, are immune. Then there is the possibility that, at the first rest stop in a city, the Mach 5 (due to its conspicuous appearance) will either be stripped or stolen and wind up in a chop shop with the fancy electronic gizmos being sold to some drug dealer.
The Blues Brothers: The winners! They are tough, their car is unstoppable, they have blues, the Queen of Soul, and even the Almighty on their side. Such a powerful combination is unbeatable. The race will end when the Bluesmobile rolls past the finish line with possibly JJ and friends as a distant second.
- The Demented Astronomer
- Rimorl James Elven
Take a number. You'll be 2,714, I think... -Eds.
Blues Brothers: As Hotbranch pointed out, these boys have God on their side, but for some inexplicable reason he thought this would turn out in their favor. Recall that the one bunch of folks God selected as his Chosen People have become the butt of the sad joke that is human history: Diasporas, pogroms, holocausts, Mel Brooks, the list is as long as it is sad. Furthermore, the word in English for "honest christian" is "heretic," and you know how well-loved they are. Having God on your side is, in light of the evidence, just slightly less useful than having a rottweiler's weight in chihauhas with you. In any case, can you say "metaphysical liability," kids? Fortunately, since the boys also have Aretha Franklin and Ray Charles on their side, they might get out alive.
Thelma & Loise: Even if narrative convention didn't insist they go flying off a cliff 200 feet in front of the finish line, they don't have a chance. I can't think of any ballast bigger than Geena Davis' recent film career; with that in the trunk, their muffler will be scraping the ground all the way to the cliffside.
J. J. McClure & Capt. Chaos: Sorry, who the hell are they? Even with my considerable knowledge of pop culture, they don't ring a bell. We might see the only living JJ & CC fan try to stuff the ballot box, but that's about it.
Speed Racer: His theme song alone guarantees that I, personally, will be out on the road looking for him through a sniper scope. Even if I miss, any interesting parts of his race will be edited out of the American version, dooming him to failure.
Bo & Luke One word, kids: inbreeding. Despite the heroic efforts of the show's hairstylists and orthodontists, these are just two specimens of the common North American Rednecked Slack-jawed Yokel. They only display talent against one sheriff who, in all his years chasing them, never thought to jot down a license plate and arrest them at their home. No, anyone who thinks that welding the doors shut on a getaway vehicle is a good idea wouldn't last ten minutes against serious competition, and only slightly longer against this sad bunch. Send the consolation prize to their trailer park.
Dale Ernhart: A professional, and one with the RAGE. After his hospital bills and the gross shafting he recieved from the WWWF voting booth, he wants blood. He'll win the race, but only by accident. Y'see, he'll have used the last five miles just to pick up speed so he can ram the WWWF commentary booth and avenge hisself upon the Panel.
I was rooting for AutoMan m'self,
2. Speed Racer
Is Japanese. Even though he appears to be driving incredibly fast and dangerously on his show, one must realize that he is driving fast and dangerously by Japanese standards. In America (as anyone who has been stuck behind one of the 17 million Japanese-person-piloted minivans in LA traffic can tell you), this type of driving does not cut the mustard.
3. JJ McClure and Captain Chaos
Unfortunately, they are JJ McClure and Captain Chaos.
4. Thelma and Louise
Drove off a cliff. Thanks for trying, good luck next year.
Nascar is a scam. Dale Earnhardt is the mastermind behind it. Wake up people!!! While you are glued to the "racing track", guzzling your beer, Earnhardt's cronies are confiscating your mobile homes, small children, "Stone Cold Steve Austin" memorabilia, and petroleum-related products without you even knowing it! Sure, you won't notice the first couple dozen that go missing, but sooner or later, you'll figure out something's wrong...
6. Bo and Luke Duke
The only contestants left. They will win because Bo Duke's real name is John Schneider, which is my name as well, and anything associated with this name is blessed with good fortune by the heavens. If you need proof, just look at Mr Schneider's stellar post-Dukes acting career! Could any man have acheived the level of TV-movie-stardom he has attained without divine help? I think not. Still not convinced? I won the Gold Medal Grudgie this week, didn't I? Of course I did.
Anyways, after the race, the Dukes are so happy that Daisy Duke falls in love and marries me. And she wears these little white shorts to the wedding.....Oh yeah. That's the ticket... mmm baby.....
Um.... I've gotta go... check the... um...hot water im boiling. Bye.
- Trooper TK
- Alice in Mushroomland
Now, at first blush, Speed Racer has what he needs to win this. He's actually got a race car, as well as racing experience, a wide array of gadgets, a snazzy helmet, and so on.
However, since Chim-Chim and that other little bastard, what's-his-name, the kid in the red overalls with the strange fetishes for candy and monkeys, will be hiding in the trunk of the Bluesmobile, because that's what they do. Every time. Every last single stupid time, they think it's cute, and they'll put themselves into harm's way with a giggle and a laugh. Then Speed has to rescue them, because his girlfriend would be upset if they were to die, die screaming, like they fucking deserve. God damn Chim-Chim.
However, this is irrelevant.
Elwood and Jake are trying to outrun someone, you see.
The Blues Brothers are trying to win a race.
When driving through Chicago on the run from the police or brassed-off inbred rednecks, Jake and Elwood had a habit of leading their pursuit into shopping malls, off bridges, into walls, and using them to run Illinois Nazis down. All these things were as wheat before the scythe before the awesome power of the American cinematic automobile, a more perfect instrument of vengeance than any yet devised by man or God. Even when not on the run, the Blues Brothers could rest assured that Carrie Fisher would level a nearby building with a rocket launcher, flamethrower, or an unscheduled screening of Under the Rainbow, just to try to get at Jake.
Speed Racer has driven through the heart of the Amazon jungle, through the very bowels of an erupting volcano, and against some of the most ruthless racers known to man.
He doesn't have a prayer.
The Blues Brothers will sweep across America like a hurricane, destroying all to cross their path. Speed Racer will look in his rearview mirror, and see Death waiting for him in the form of two men in black suits, the Men in Black before there were Men in Black.
Finally, Speed plays his ace, unaware that there was an ace to play, and Chim-Chim climbs out of the trunk, intent upon mischief that will save Speed Racer's miserable hide, with that little candy-eating bastard in tow.
In Chicago, we don't do this stupid monkey bullshit.
Speed loses the race, and is still walking around America's heartland with a bloody corpse in his arms.
The Blues Brothers?
The band is back together.
And everyone's gonna pay.
- Claymore, Dean of the Ted Kennedy Driving School
Actually, research by the Chrysler Corp. confirmed this scientifically. Just thought you'd like to know. -Eds.
The Blues Brothers: 2NM8S (Two inmates)
Thelma and Louise: 0MN4US (Zero men for us)
Bo and Luke Duke: 4REDNX (For Rednecks!)
Dale Earnhardt: NSCRGI (NASCAR Guy)
Speed Racer: NM8D1 (Animated one)
Not bad (and harder than you think to come up with, that's fer dang shure!). But the most creative entrant, chins down, is Dom Deluise. The liscence plate on his car reads: GOTNEś (Got any pie?)
With that creativity and their disposal, J.J. and Captain Chaos ought to be able to come up with a scheme. Maybe they'll spill molasses onto the road in order to tie up the other cars. On the other hand, any plan involving food is perhaps not so likely to work, for obvious reasons.
- 1/2 Nelson
Don't mess with the rednecks....
- The Griffon Master
- Marc Moskowitz
Burt and Dom soon pull into the lead, which only lasts until their arrival in the fabled Springfield. A gratuitous fistfight breaks out while restocking at the Kwik-E-Mart, featuring plenty of well-known celebrity voices and images. Captain Chaos makes his appearance, but since Dom's been bloating up lately -- probably due to that creepy 'doctor' giving him daily injections of salad dressing -- he promptly bursts his tights and is arrested by Chief Wiggum for indecent exposure. Burt tries to intervene, but a hilarious straight right from cameo-specialist Troy McClure ends his race.
Thelma and Louise are right behind, but promptly lose the lead when they take a plunge into Springfield Gorge. Luckily, in keeping with their original screenplay, they hit bottom and keep driving. They do have difficulty climbing out, and when a passing Otto chuckles and says, "Chicks can't drive sticks, man," they promptly chase him all the way back to Boston, guns blazing. They do get their man, but are out of contention.
The Blues Brothers are able to pull ahead, using shifts to drive around the clock. Things get hairy, though, when a swing through Minnesota gets them involved in a car chase through the Mall of America. As big and labyrinthine as it is, they can't find their way back out for nine hours. Despite leaving several dozen smoking police cars in their wake, they're hundreds of miles behind.
The race is down to Earnhardt and Speed Racer, who stay even all the way through southern Nevada, until Dale decides to get some room on the road. While swerving in for a bump, though, a banana peel thrown out Speed's window by Chim-Chim gets under his tire. Dale flips 387 times before coming to a stop. Dale is unhurt, but the resultant amputation of part of his left mustache leaves it uncertain whether he will ever drive again.
Taking the checkered flag, that demon on wheels, Speed Racer!
- Call me Shane
Because of this, it would seem that one can win this race which it seems will last forever with no one ever reaching the checkpoint. But I intend to show that the Duke Boys still can win. The key here is that Springfield does not really exist. It only exists in the fictional world. This is the key to why the Duke Boys will win. Hazzard County does not really exist either. It as well is a fictional land. This means that the Duke Boys are the only team with a chance to find Springfield, because they are familiar with Fictional Land.
Now, to discuss Paul's blunder that Speed Racer and Earnhardt are the only professional racers in the group. It's just not true. The Dukes spent a whole year on the NASCAR circuit. They too are professionals. Not only that, but their lives are put in danger while they drive really fast in every episode. Clearly they have what it takes.
- Cletus, in loving memory of Uncle Boss
It is now down to the Duke's and the Blues Brothers. It's going to go down to the wire at the finish line where the two cars are neck and neck and stalled just inches from the finish line when some car from nowhere jumps onto the track and rams into both of them. Since the Bluesmobile is longer than the General the Blues Brothers will win, (but they will give whatever remains of the prize money after helping the orphanage to the Dukes, and then proceed to do the first ever blues, country jam)
- Clueless Sage
The ambulance team gets carried away in an ambulance after Pops Racer takes a wrench to both of them (and yes, he could easily defeat Capt. Chaos, he was a wrestling champion, as he likes to recall) before they even get underway.
The Duke Boys are easily duped by Sparky, who in a cunning reverse psychology manuever, convinces Cooter to put the mysterious G-3 engine into the General Lee ("I warned 'em! That engine is just too powerful!). After going so fast without having the necessary antidote, they crash and burn. Boss Hog has a BBQ for their deaths. Flash chews on their bones.
Dale Ernhardt is actually Racer X, who is actually Rex Racer, who left home many years ago. Midway through the race, after defeating the Monster Car and the Car Acrobatic team, right when he's reaching the finish line, Dale stops and unmasks himself, declaring he wishes to leave racing and become a full time spy.
This, of course, leaves Speed, who has an easy glide to victory (after spinning the car around several times). They are all proud of his accomplishments, and Inspector Detector rewards Spritel and Chim- Chim with sweets after finding out that all four members in the Blues Brother mobile were felons. Spritel says he never wants to eat sweets again, and they all laugh heartily.
It's dark, it's 106 light years to Regulus, and they're wearing MiB sunglasses. Hit it.
- Nick "Maniac Clown" Zachariasen
(e-mail me at email@example.com, all you Devinaholics!)
- Devin The Bronze-Winning Mental Hospital Escapee
Whatcha gonna do when the Poobah and his Bucket-Full-O-RAGE(tm) comes crashing down on you?! -Paul
So why did I vote for a bunch of animated geeks from a country that has about six miles of highway, all of which are filled with traffic at all times?
Anime Physics. The other five contestants have to at least deal with some approximation of Newton's Laws; they may bend them over until they squeal like a Hogg in some cases but they admit their existence. Anime doesn't even speak the same language. Giant flying robots? Sure! Guys with swords dodging mushroom clouds? Sounds plausible. Swordfighting twenty feet off the ground, supported only by speed lines? I don't see a problem here. All the other teams are TOAST.
And that's without taking the monkey factor into account. C'mon, when was the last time the side with the monkey lost ANYTHING? Fay Wray, 1933, on a technicality. Tarzan? Wonder twins? Phylo Beddoe? Simba? Monkey = victory.
It breaks my heart, but I gotta give this one to Speed Racer.
- Shallow Blue
But he's still in the race.
This can only mean that he's been brought back as a ghost by God to finish one more holy mission.
In an nutshell, as anyone who's ever seen "Poltergist" knows, the undead are bad mo'fo's. Expect to see Thelma and Louise (and Luke and Bo) go for one more "high" jump off the side of the mountain.
Dale Earnhardt? His car pulls a "Christine" and winds up hitting a brick wall head-on at 135 miles an hour.
Speed Racer? Due to a little "Divine Intervention" on Jake's part as a ghost, he suffers the terrible irony of HIS car going up in a thermonuclear fireball for once (ironic, since before this had only ever happened to the competition, who happened to use the "Official Speed Racer Phosphorus Based Fuel (TM)".)
J.J. McClure and Captain Chaos? Respecting that these guys managed to kidnap a hot looking chick like Farrah Faucett, Jake's ghost lets them off easy by merely ripping their fuel lines, destroying their tires, and burning out their fuses.
Elwood? For letting the Blues Brother's names be tarnished by letting Hollywood making a crap movie like "Blues Brothers 2000," Jake uses his new ghost powers to teleport Elwood from behind the steering wheel to directly under the tires of his speeding car.
The winner? Jake, driving the car across finish line with ghost power alone, and manages to give the prize money to charity before the Ghost Busters arrive to put him away for speeding and driving without a corporeal body. (Strangely enough, one of them looks like a "square" version of the now also deceased Elwood")
This will be a True Test Of Endurance(TM).
Sadly the first to drop out will be Speed Racer. All the other contestants are racing in American Cars - normally this would be a severe disadvantage, but at least they can get them serviced at any gas station. With the five month waiting period while specialised parts are shipped from Japan, SR will be held back for months. A shame, I really wanted him to win...
The Dukes have powerful backup, in the form of ace mechanic and pilot Cid Highwind from Final Fantasy VII. A popular cliche in FF7 fanfics is to have Cid obsessed with the Dukes, so Cid would (Dragoon) jump at the chance to ride with them. However, where any FF7 character goes, hordes of fans follow, and to compound their luck the rest of the party will probably ask to come as well. The fanboys will add so much weight to the General Lee that it will slow to a crawl and barely be able to get an inch of air, and before long (in South Dakota) Cait Sith, fed up with the fanboys insulting him, will use Slots to get rid of them and wind up on Joker Doom, causing the Dukes to explode in a greasefire. Thankfully the explosion will also crispy fry 400 PSX owners who couldn't tell you who Cecil is if they tried... (grumble grumble, hate PSX owners, blah, blah) where was I?
The Blues Brothers... always win because they are On A Mission From God(TM).
Or are they?
If I read that intro correctly, they intend to buy the orphanage and rename it Buggery and Blues. Doesn't sound very Christian to me, especially if you look up "buggery" in a dictionary. After looking up "buggery" in a dictionary, God(TM) will be so soundly pissed off that he will discreetly open up a hole in the road and allow his former paladins to just drive into hell.
Thelma and Louise... little is it known that, true to their thrill- seeking nature, T&L had a parachute on the back of their car at the end of the film, which opened halfway down the cliff (that other car was a cop with faulty brakes, the film's pretty confusingly cut...) This is why they're still alive to take part in this race, instead of dying in a (non-Slots induced) greasefire. At the first canyon they reach they decide to take a jump for a laugh, and drive off the edge. There is a river in the canyon.
Swept out to sea, Thelma and Louise drift helplessly for several days, until they are picked up by an oil sultan's private yacht. Foolishly the Sultan sees their cool car-parachute and declares "I want them for my wives!"
Radio contact with the yacht is lost three minuites later, and the wreckage is never found. As for J.J.McClure and Captain Chaos, I haven't seen any Cannonball Run movies in ages, and consider this a Very Good Thing. Thus, there is no way I can vote for them.
Which leaves this Earnhardt guy. I have no idea who he is, but process of elimination decrees that he must be the winner, so... (click, click) eh? Left turn, left turn, left turn... oh yeah. Oh well. (Clicks "Back") Hmm, no "All Mangled and Killed"... Aggh! None of the candidateas can win! Who to vote for... who to vote for??? I know!
Blues Brothers will win, because at the time of writing the Blues have 496 votes and their closest rival (Speed Racer) has about half that (247). Such a lead cannot be beaten in a day, no matter what God could do! Go Jake! Go Elwood! Bugger off Dan from Roseanne!
- Mark Wentz
Not only does he suffer the worst showing ever in WWWF history, now he quotes, of all things, GOLF!? Having a bad week, Mark? -Eds.
Other racers may have signifigant powers, but none are on the scale of UJ, and UJ will obviously be interested in the outcome of this race.
However, the Duke Bouys won't win this one. Thelma&Louise are blatant damsels in distress, misunderstood and hunted by the law. The Dukes will be forced (and assisted) by their Uncle to help out these poor waifs: teach them to trust people again, clear them with the law, and lose to them in the race. T&J will then join with Daisy to form an all-woman stock car racing team, and painful sequels will follow.
- better than studying for calc
First of all, we have Thelma and Louise. They won't even participate in the race, because they're too busy tracking down and killing the people behind Boys on the Side. But that's another match for another time.
Then we have J.J. Mclure and Captain Chaos. They could have been a threat, but it took three hours just for them to cram Captain Chaos' fat ass into the front seat. Finally they just tied him to the roof, but his previously mentioned large ass weighs the car down They get roughly 1/2 a mile to the gallon, and go from 0-60 in about three hours.
Next, Dale Earnhart. First off, Dale is a legitamate racer, and thus has no business racing in a Grudge Match event. Secondly, his only experience is driving around and around in a circle staring at Jeff Gordon's tailpipe. He gets confused at the starting line, and starts cutting a massive donut.
The Duke Boys notice Dale Earnhart driving around in a circle, and sit down in the grass to watch him. Commenting on what kind of tires he has, and whether or not he can make that crucial pit stop. They end up paying $10 for a Dixie Cup of warm beer and forgetting about the whole race.
Finally, Speed Racer. He was going to be the Brother Blues' worst threat. However, he is a Japanese Animation character. Therefore he is badly dubbed, and edited down to the point where he has lost all of his former skill. He ends up standing next to the car for three days, trying to say "I must win the race" clearly.
So you see, the Blues Brothers are the only ones who start the race, and cruise through Springfield to the finish, picking up Lisa Simpson along the way to play backup sax.
- El Cid
The Ritalin Reading Room: The Neverending Response
Apparently, three of our regulars got together and collaborated on a
very, very, very, (breath),very, very, very, (breath), very, very, very (oxygen)
long response. We could not in good conscience cut that kind of effort.
- Mr. Potato Head ("It's 106 miles to San Diego. We've gat a half a tank of gas, a half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark and we're wearing sunglasses." "Hit it!")
If you liked this match, check out these other past
KITT v. Herbie
Revenge of the Nerds v. Animal House
WWWF Tournament Of Champions IV: Rumble in D.C.
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