For those clamoring for more...
Robin Hood vs. Zorro Responses, Da Sequel
Let's see here... a Spanard/Mexican vs an Englishman. How pathetic
can this fight get? Good old Robin Hood wins this one in "a New York
Zorro's good with a sword, OK. I'll grant you that. And that's the
only weapon you see him use. But, if you've ever seen a Robin Hood
movie (or read a book on the legend), you know that Robin's good with
just about ANY weapon. And those galleons loved having cannons
aboard to shoot dolphins, if nothing else...
As Zorro and Robin face off, the Merry Band (who's been hiding in the
buildings at the dockside) start firing arrows until the sky's filled
with them. Robin, knowing this was what was going to happen, ducks
in time while Zorro gets an ass full of arrows. Not that this would
stop "the Fox"...
After the band uses up all the arrows, Robin has climbed up the
ship's mast and swinging on a convienient rope, decends on the
hapless Zorro like the Four Horsemen of the Apocolypse. Black
material flies like bullets as our boys fight, but lo and behold,
Robin, again the master of any weapon he touches, finaly reveals our
boy-- PROFESSOR ROBINSON (aka, Guy Williams)!
Major West (The 60's version) touches down in the Jupiter II and
thinking that Robinson's gone off on one of his "little side trips"
(that would make Cpatain Janeway envious) and into somehow is in some
heavy duty dementia, hauls what remains of the professor and sedates
him for the remaining portion of the trip. And, of course, you know
Dr. Smith's gonna screw THAT up somehow, but that's for another
Robin and his men take the ship back to merry England while Robin
tries to figure out how to get in (sorry, under) Marian's dress while
fighting the Sheriff of Rottingham (oops, Nottingham). About midway
into the voyage, Mel Brooks comes out from nowhere and begins to film
- The Bear
Just as the two swordsmen cross their foils, another dark figure swings down from the rigging.
"Halt!" he cries, "I'm Geoffrey Thorpe of the Sea Hawks, and I claim this ship for Her Majesty the Queen of England!" The mustachioed privateer bears a remarkable resemblance to Robin of Locksley, and the two eye each other with amazement. Zorro rocks back on his heels and draws another rapier, just in case.
Suddenly, yet another swashbuckler appears on the scene, vaulting over a bulkhead with blade in hand. "Ho there! As Captain Blood I claim this ship for the Governor and for England!" Once again, the pirate seems strangly similar to the two dashing ruffians who are admiring each other's neatly trimmed beards.
"Hold," says brave Sir Robin, "If 'tis true that all of us, save yon masked knave, are set upon the capture of this ship for England, then let there be no violence between us." "For England!" shout the swashbuckling trio, thrusting their swords skywards in salute, one for all, and all for one.
Zorro smiles quietly, certain that his late-90s style choreography will allow him to easily defeat these mirror image muchachos with their silent-era stage swordplay. He straightens his cape casually as the three lower their swords and assume hollywood fencing poses.
Suddenly, another dark figure appears on the deck, the darkest so far. Dressed all in black and carrying a guitar case, he strides across the rough-hewn planks. With his face still in shadow he stops, and addresses Zorro. "A problem, amigo mio?"
Zorro laughs scornfully; and the three privateers fidget nervously. "State thy business, sir!" shouts Captain Thorpe. There is a long, uncomfortable silence. "Dastardly desperado..." mutters Robin. "No," answers Zorro, "El Mariachi."
In a single fluid movement, the stranger drops to one knee and slams the guitar case down, flipping the lid open. For a brief moment his face can be seen and he looks... familiar. But before anyone has time to react he is firing two handguns, gangsta-style!
The British fall flatter than cardboard cutouts, and El Mariachi twirls his guns expertly, ejecting the spent magazines. "Gracias." Zorro has already sheathed his swords, and the two vanish into the shadows, leaving a few loyal supporters to truck the loot home.
Mel Brooks is my hero, and I love his Robin Hood movie, but I picked
Zorro. Why, you aks? Because from what little history I know on
Robin Hood, he was eventually killed by his love, Maid Marian. Jeez,
the guy can save the Kingdom from the King's greedy brother but he
loses to his wife?
Hmmm, I guess love doesn't conquer all.
- Dark Queen
It would take 3 Musketeers to take on either one of these "Gay"
- Hurricane Andrew
That can't be right. Did he just say the French should win? - Paul
Robin Hood will reign forever surpreme over the likes of prissy
Zorro, if only because Robin Hood had a kick-ass Disney movie made
(I mean, come on, the snake gets $hitfaced on ale at the shooting
contest. In a Disney movie!)
- Death's Evangeline
And Disney is an asset too? Where's my medication? MOO! - Paul
Robin Hood has timelessness on his side. Seriously. Fictional
characters live only as long as they are remembered. My five year old
cousin, all the kids I babysit, even the irritating illiterate brats
at my elementary school all knew and loved Robin Hood. None of them
had ever heard of Zorro until "The mask of" came out. Even I had only
the vaguest recollections of old reruns featuring a creepy guy in a
mask. Also, since they are immortal until forgotten, Robby has the
advantage of experience. The guy's been around since what, the
thirteenth century? Maybe even earlier? Anyone who's lived that long
has to have picked up something some snobby spaniard has missed.
It also strikes me that Zorro is a stuckup poser. He minces around
drawing those stupid Z's on stuff. Robin Hood doesn't mess around.
He's an assassin in green. Well known fact: only the true of
This is probably the fruitiest Grudge Match since Wrestlers vs.
Boxers. Stay flamboyant, guys.
- Kujan - There is no Fruity Jihad - WAIT!!!! OOOOOOOOH! LOOK AT THOSE PRETTY CURTAIN PATTERNS!!!
I'm assuming we're talking Douglass Fairbanks
Zorro and Errol
Flynn Robin Hood here. By using the Bad Guys Who Were
Defeated By Each Dude Rule (TM), we've got Robin Hood
fighting Prince John and Guy of Guisborne. Taking this one step
farther, we've got Basil Rathbone and Claude Rains. Let's
repeat that. Basil Rathbone and Claude Rains. Serious
bad-asses who've been in loads of other great movies. I mean,
Claude Rains is the semi-bad guy in Casablanca. Plus
they've got uber-British accents. And we all know that British bad
guys are the worst bad guys. We've also got Zorro fighting
Captain Juan Ramon. Captain. Not
ne, but Captain. Second lowest officer rank in the army. Played
by Robert McKim. Who? He was not in "Casablanca". Rather,
he was in "Fuss and Feathers". And if he had talked in the movie
he probably would have had a Spanish accent. Way, way
wussier than British. Way.
Taking into account the actors themselves, Errol Flynn also
played Captain Blood, William Tell, Geoffrey Thorpe (who was a
Brit who kicked Spanish butt), Fletcher Christian, and loads of others.
Douglass Fairbanks also played Dartagnan, Robin Hood (not
the definitive one, however) and loads of others. Dartagnan is good, but not as good as Captain Blood. And
then Flynn has three other kick butt characters who were good
with a sword, Fairbanks has just one, who's the weaker version
of Flynn's Robin Hood.
Plus, going from the feminine angle here, Flynn looks a hell of a
lot better in tights than Fairbanks does.
Ok, well, first off, Zorro has a cape (tm). Robin Hood has, tights
(tm)... However, Robin Hood has comedy! (tm) [Robin Hood Men In
Tights], which then made tights (tm) cool, whereas the cape (tm) has
ALWAYS been cool, since the beginning of time (tm).
My take: While Zorro is cutting a 'Z' in Robin's chest, Robin, well,
As Robin Hood and Zorro circle each other, a strange sound cuts
through the tense silence
Plink, plonk, plink, plonk, plink, plonk, plink, dum-dum-dum
Both combatants scream in horror as Elton John rises through the deck
of the galleon on a revolving turntable, seated at a white piano.
Both men turn and gasp as their trusty crews suddenly appear through
portholes, swing in from ropes and pop out of cannons, link arms and
start doing a synchronised CanCan dance routine.
"I think we did a few too many musicals, don't you?" says Robin
"I'm not going to sing"
Elton John holsters his magnum, while Eddie Izard and Graham Norton
run on from the wings to drag away the headless bodies and take their
Result : Elton John wins in the first round. Video and associated
soundtrack both get to number one, grossing $15 million. Galleon
later rescued by Lithuanian Navy, where it becomes the National
If you can call Harry Potter's win of less than 100 votes, when there
are over ten THOUSAND votes being cast, a "witch slap", then I can't
trust you guys to do a good job with Zorro vs. Robin Hood.
Where's the "grudge-match.com mangled and killed" button?
- The Bunyip
Well first off, if we think about this logically for a moment, one
person must logically win by default. Either Robin is a good six or
seven centuries dead (Robin Hood is set near the turn of the last
millineum) or Zorro isn't alive for about the same amount of time.
Now, even assuming that the both of them lived in the same time, they
most certainly would not meet like this. Robin, in most versions of
the story, was returning from the crusades, as a soldier, and had
little to no seafaring experience, while Zorro lived in an
independant Mexico, and had absolutely no love, or hate for that
matter, for the Spanish King. He also had little to no seafaring
experience. Now, beyond that, the arguments against Robin are
invalid. The man does know how to swordfight. He does so several
times in the old stories, and I repeat, fought with a sword in the
crusades. In addition to that, he is basically an english Ninja. He
and his followers practiced the art of camoflauge, traps, and various
other techniques Ninja are masters of. However, the entire grudg
match is wittled away when both people find out they are working for
the same cause, THE LIBERATION OF THE POOR AND OPPRESSED! That
discovered, the two of them double team John, slash him to iddy bitty
pieces, and head home to "Not exactly a Maid" Marian (Maid meaning an
unmarried and usually virgin woman. Marian is NEITHER) and Zorro's Ho
of the evening. Basically, people will get stabbed, but not in a fun
- Tim Dragone
California has the sixth largest economy in the world. If we were to
secede from the U.S., the U.S. would then have, instead of the
largest, the THIRD largest. We'd be a major wold power.
We'll just buy our way to victory, then take over the world. Hey,
Bill Gates AND Walt Disney live here. Don't piss us off.
This one clearly goes to Robin Hood, and here's why:
The two swordsmen are duking it out, blades clanging and shooting sparks Highlander (TM) style. For a while, Zorro seems to have the edge, but he pauses to acknowledge the superior skill of his opponent.
"You're very good, you know," he tells Robin Hood.
"As are you," acknowledges Robin. "In fact, I think you may have the better of me."
"So why are you smiling?" asks Zorro.
"Because I," Robin Hood pauses dramatically as he switches sword hands, "am not left-handed."
That's right! Robin Hood was also played by Cary Elwes, none other than the Man in Black, aka the Dread Pirate Roberts, aka Westley the farm boy, the greatest swordsman in all the land!
Robin quickly has Zorro on the ropes. "I think you may have the better of me," Zorro acknowledges.
"So why are you smiling? You're not left-handed, either?"
"No, because I have a machine gun in this guitar case!"
Yes, it's Antonio Banderas as Zorro, packing his guitar case from Desperado! Robin Hood, having made the fatal error of bringing a knife to a gun fight, is quickly mown down in a hail of bullets, and Zorro walks away with gold.
- Bozo the Clone
Robin Hood? A sissy? Puh-hu-hu-lease! Let's take a gander at the manful
men who've played Robin Hood:
Douglas Fairbanks (originator of ass-kickery), Cary Elwes (defeater of
Rodents of Unusual Size), Daffy Duck (can sustain shotgun blast point-blank
to the face), Frank Sinatra, on a vague technicality (Chairman of the Board),
Errol Flynn (despoiler of women who can STILL drink any man under the
table, and he's been dead for years) and my pal Sean, Sir Connery if you're
nasty (king of all that rocks). Let's discount Costner, which is fair, because
Rickman OWNED that movie. Mullet boy never had a chance.
Now, if you don't think Robin Hood can open ye olde whoop-ass, I suggest
you see "Robin and Marian"'s final fight scene in which he kicks the crap out
of Robert Shaw! There's only one other person or thing that can do that, and
that's Jaws, for crying out loud! That's right - Robin Hood's tougher than Jaws.
And Errol Flynn repeatedly messed up Basil Rathbone. That's right - he's
faster than Sherlock Holmes.
Robin's in his element: stealing back stuff Prince John has stolen. And they're
in a British dominion - home turf. Zorro will be confused and disoriented this
far from California; after months on a creaky ship rounding the horn, without
his comfy bed and spacious ranch house, he'll be a sitting duck. Come on, at
this point in history, California was full of dirt-poor psuedo-power-mongers
who, as the good citizens of Yreka, Calif. will attest, couldn't even spell. They
were easy pickings.
Robin, he's from Nottingham, meaning he's a rock hard soccer hooligan with
nothing better to do than get pissed on Bass ale and headbutt the nearest
ethnic person. The only way Robin could lose is if there's an Arsenal fan in the
- Your sword, Gisborne!
Hmmm, two swashbucklers and neither one is on a quest to find the 6-
fingered man. I guess this leaves but one way to decide this: Who
would win if Daffy Duck portrayed both characters?
We've seen Daffy as Robin Hood and as The Scarlet Pumpernickel (yeah,
it's not Zorro, but it's not a stretch to replace one lame masked
swordsman with another).
As The Scarlet Pumpernickel, he managed to save the girl as well as
almost impress studio head J.L. (until Daffy had to shoot himself)
As Robin Hood, Daffy tended to run into trees and lose his beek.
Plus his main combat style consists of "Ho! Ha-ha! Guard! Turn!
Dodge! Parry! Spin! Thrust! [WHACK]"
- Muchsarcasm, "Yikes! And awaaaaaayyyy!!! [THWAK]"
Who is the greatest swordsman who ever lived? Everyone knows this
would be Enigo Montoya. Hey wait, you say, wasnt he bested by
the Dread Pirate Roberts? This is true, but only because A) Roberts
was driven by True Love and B) Roberts was wearing a Black Mask
How is this relevant? Zorro is Spanish AND he wears a Black Mask!!
Its hard to undervalue the power of anonymity. Do you remember the
consternation the man in black caused Enigo in their great
dual? Who are you? he exclaimed, I must know!!
Zorro has learned from the great Montoya! He not only wears a Black
Mask, he wears Nothing-But-Black. (It could very well be that Zorro
IS Enigo Montoya!!) A Black Mask strikes fear into an opponent. Bat
Man, The Lone Ranger, and Jim Carrey all can attest to this fact.
The last I checked, Green Tights do nothing but get you whistled at
in San Francisco.
As a last point, I hope that nobody tries to use the English Soccer
Hooligans as precedent in this match. We all know that the English
can only prevail when acting as part of An Angry Mob. Everyone
knows that Mano E Mano is a Latin concept. Everyone also knows
that Spaniards are high falutin Latinos. Whens the last time you
heard of a great English boxer? Oh sure, lots of them box but that
just proves my point, THEY ALL SUCK. Now, great Latino boxers are
nearly cliché. If you never thought you could get your ass kicked by
a 125 lb man, go wander into a Latino boxing gym. They may not be
good politicians, but in a one on one match-up they are, I dare
Zorro: Hes got the pedigree, hes got the Mask, and soon, hell have
a goldy-locked Englishmens head on a stick.
- Ole Miss Law
Now, it was my understanding that Robin Hood robbed the rich to give
to the poor. Yet, he starts this match by claiming the treasure for
King Richard. Sadly, Robin Hood seems to be another
champion of the help-the-poor-by-throwing-money-at-the-rich mumbo-
jumbo. My guess is "Merry Men" is the olde tyme nickname for a
conservative think-tank or a Sherwood Forestry Political Action
Clearly, while Ronald Reagan and Barry Goldwater are often given
credit, Robin Hood is the Godfather of Trickle-Down Economics.
While King Richard is off making pro-multinational-lord trade
agreements--based on deregulation and serf-labor practices--his
subjects at home are suffering anon. To make matters worse, "Friar
Tuck" Limbaugh and "Little John" Robertson will use their national
town-crier campaigns to spread propaganda about the greatness of King
Richard. That will only embolden the lords use their sword skills to
slash jobs and salaries of Johnny Six-Goblets across the country.
We need Ralph, the Sheriff of Naderham, to be heard. Yes, yes; the
very same Sheriff of Naderham who scribed such parchments as "Boiling
Oil: Unsafe at any Degree" and "Collision Course: The Truth about
Joust Safety." Unfortunately, the Sheriff's voice cannot be heard
until they enact "Heredity Finance Reform" laws. His reality checks
would serve well to end the treachery of pork-barrel monarchical
Until sheriffs like Ralph can heard, we will keep going back to the
same failing practices that have plagued commoners for many a
If Robin Hood were truly trying to get money to the poor, he'd do
better by flushing the loot down the King John!
- Mark Wentz
And now with the response from the Right...
First, we have Robin Hood, who "Steals from the rich to give to the
poor." He sounds depressingly like your average tax-and-spend
liberal. As a hard working guy who hates it when the government
taxes my meager income to death, you can guess how I feel.
Second, we have Zorro, who stands to protect his fellow citizens from
a tyrannical and repressive Big Government, all the while defending
the right to "keep and bear swords". And note: Zorro's trying to
give the money back to it's rightful owners!
Unless the Polital Correctness police show up to kill him for daring
to give the taxpayers back their own stinkin' money, Zorro's got this
one in the bag.
- The Phantom
And that concludes this edition of The WWWF McGrudgelin Group - Eds.
When you think of all those times Basil Rathbone must have wanted to
show Errol Flynn how to fence properly instead of waving his stick
around like a virgin on prom-night hitting everything but the target,
it makes you think that there must have been something going on for
Robin Hood & so the masked lothario that is Zorro has no chance.
On the outside, this might appear like any normal Grudge Match(tm).
Zorro versus Robin Hood: ho hum. Nothing terribly surprising here.
But if one digs deeper, one will uncover a darker, more sinister
Grudge Match(tm) being fought behind the scenes. Allow me to explain.
The reign of Richard the Lionheart is separated by several centuries
from the Spanish colonization of California. Furthermore, in Robin
Hood's time they did not have the technology to sail from England to
Barbados. It is therefore physically impossible for Robin Hood and
Zorro to encounter each, UNLESS there is outside interference.
That's right, I'm talking about time travel. And to be more specific
(and to borrow a tm phrase from "Enterprise") what we have is a
temporal cold war. Someone, or something, is attempting to change
the timeline by bringing Robin Hood forward in time, and providing
him with the advanced technology to journey to Barbados and confront
Who would go and do such a thing? Well, if this were the Antonio
Banderas Zorro versus the Kevin Costner Robin Hood, I'd be
speculating that it was the Borg, trying to sow chaos so they could
conquer Earth. Or perhaps Skynet, attempting to impoverish the land
of its enemy John Conner in order to cripple his future fighting
ability. But this is the Errol Flynn Robin Hood versus the Tyrone
Power Zorro, so we have to ignore the usual suspects and concentrate
on the black and white contemporaries. Instantly, a suspect jumps to
the top of the list: Ming the Merciless!
In order to crush Hollywood before it ever existed, and thus prevent
the humiliating stories of his defeats at the hands of Flash Gordon
from ever seeing cellulite, Ming has sent Robin Hood forward in time
to seize Californias wealth, in order to permanently cripple its
economy! Obviously, Flash will try to stop him. And since we all
know that the Flash Gordon serials were produced, its equally
obvious that Flash succeeded. Ergo Robin Hood didnt get the
treasure, ergo Zorro wins, with a temporal assist for Mr. Gordon.
- Michael Lyle
Robin will lose
because those tights that he wears gives him a weggie!
- Tr utenor
Okay, think about this: Robin Hood is stupid enough to walk into
a known trap (the ever-present "Archery Tournament(TM)") and
STILL get caught. Why? Because he sucks at disguising himself. So
how does Robin get out? Does he trick the guards with a clever
ruse? Does he pick the lock on his cell and fight his way out? NO.
His merry men have to intervene and haul his pansy-a** out of hot
Zorro on the other hand, is an expert at disguising himself -- no
one ever sees through that little mask of his to realize that he's
actually Don Diego. Zorro routinely makes fools of the Alcalde's
entire troup of guards by himself. And on the extremely rare
occasions that Zorro gets caught and needs someone to help him
escape, who comes to his aid? Exactly! Another Zorro! See?
He's entirely self-sufficient.
Not convinced Zorro is cooler? Let me ask you a question then: in
the Disney animated version of Robin Hood, what animal is Robin?
That's right, he's the FOX! Or in espanol, El Zorro!
Finally, the secret underground lair attached to Zorro's mansion,
or FoxHole(TM) if you will, is clearly a primitive version of the
BatCave(TM). This clinches the Zorro-Batman link. Robin hood wears
green, shoots arrows. Green Arrow, anyone? Now would anyone
in their right mind pick the Green Arrow over Batman? Nope. Zorro
In the movie "Shrek," however, RH (robin hood) is portrayed as being
french. during the commentary paul alreaedy pointed out that spain is
taking it from france.
Here's a point to ponder that has nothing to do with any movie
whatsoever, just wanted to throw it in: in spanish, zorro means fox.
Guess what englishmen hunt(ed) for sport?...
- Adam... err, make that Shasta...
Dr. No sits on his throne made of human bones, turning on his
computer. He logs on to the internet, and checks the latest Grudge
Match; it should be noted that the only thing keeping him from using
his Big Bastard Beam on Earth and unleashing some Bad Shit
is the Grudge Match. Which makes them saviors of humanity. But
"Hmm... what? Black and white? Minion! I told you to fix the
computer! Now you die!" Dr. No jabs a big button stylized to look
like a frowny face, and an aide in a black coat is flung out of the
fortress, aimed toward the Olsen Twin's current location. "Oh...
it's supposed to be this way... Meh. Minions are a dime a dozen, and
maybe I'll actually kill them this time. Zorro v Robin Hood, eh?
Punching the names up on his computer, Dr. No sees the
Robin Hood: "Men in Tights", "Robbing Hood"
Zorro: "The Gay Blade", "The Poke of Zorro"
"*Sigh*, it seems that Robin Hood is doomed, as Zorro can be
connected to the Simpsons; the feeble opposing Wizard of Id refrence
can't hope to stand against that kind of Jihad (there is no Jihad)
power... Still, I must make my stand for Robin Hood. I can't, in good
concience, vote for the man who protected the culture that caused me
the hell of Spanish I and II. Besides, just what in the hell does he
think that mask is going to do, stop someone from recognizing his
- Dr. No
Okay, I came from the worst high-school known to man-kind (this story
has a point I promise). Our school sucked so much, that our sports
teams were "The Archerists," with the prissiest Robin Hood ever as
It really isn't something that would inspire the supposed fear of God
towards the other teams like it was supposed to. Besides that, no one
could pronounce it right, so we'd end up either being called
something obscene or apolitical. This wouldn't be so bad, if we
weren't expected to go wild because of it ever other week at our
a-school mandated pep rallies.
That plus Kevin Costner takes Robin Hood right out of the running.
However I cannot give my support to Zorro either. While Zorro has the
evil that is Walt Disney on his side, I recall an amusing
expierience, where 3 kids in my 4th grade class dressed as Zorro for
Halloween, and promptly a brawl broke out for no apparent reason. We
didn't even get candy. Damn 4th graders.
That plus Antonio Banderas means that Zorro doesn't deserve my
So, put me down for Vizzini, Inigo, and Fezzik to come over, loot the
ship, throw Mr. Hood and Mr... Ro into some handy shark-infested
waters and go off to kidnap Buttercup.
- Peanuts"Whaddup, Whaddup"Pat
Since incarnations of Robin Hood include Sean
Connery in Robin and
in Time Bandits it's plain sailing for Robin.
Therefore Robin will combine the fighting skills and near Menthos
TMof James Bond with the technical gadgetry of R. Zorro may
be really classy at fencing but then he has never faced a sword with
micro rocket launcher.
So Robin defeats Zorro with ease and gets the girl due to
Bond factorTM .
Theyre evenly matched as swordsmen. They fight for a bit, and break apart to catch a breath, and to exchange taunts.
You fight very well for a dog of an Englishman!
Rather! More than a match for any bloody Spaniard, I should think!
A moment, Senor. I want to show you something. A toy you might
find helpful in your quest to help the poor.
I say, odd little whatsit, that. What dyer call it?
A pistol, Senor. <BANG!> <whump>
Remember, Zorro is about 500 years more technologically advanced than
Robin. He may like flashy swordwork more than guns, but hes not
- 6 of 24
I have to with Robin Hood since he actually defeated his arch-
nemesis. Sure Zorro has single handedly rescued the Californian
tailor guild with all the uniformse he carves Z's into, but at the
end of the day the people still labor under the tyranny of el
Commandante or whatever his name is. Robin Hood on the other hand
actually wound up in charge of Nottingham under King Richard.
To make matters worse for the masked man Robin Hood has his whole
band of Merry Men(tm) to help him out. Zorro might be able to handle
hordes of incompetent soldiers or the occasional competent mercenar
that comes along, but I suspect he'll have trouble with both at once,
especially since many of the Merry Men are not just the equivalent of
Red Shirted Ensigns(tm), but have their own stories and have operated
succesfully independently of Robin Hood. However, since Robin Hood
is merciful he'll probably treat Zorro to a nice feast, relieve him
of his gold, his sword, and his mask and send him back to California
Gotta go with Zorro on this one, even if he does look like he's been
getting off on Madonna's Erotica video a bit too much. In
fact, it is Zorro's apparent infatuation with the Material Brit that
decided this match for me. He bags her as Evita Peron, and then
there's the aforementioned mask fetish they've got going on. Granted,
Madonna ain't much to look at (and believe me, she's given us all
plenty of opportunities to get a good look at her), but at least
Zorro goes for women. (BTW, he definitely traded up by hitting it off
with Catherine Zeta-Jones -- yum.)
OTOH, we have Robin Hood, who flits about Sherwood Forest in panty
hose. Has a movie called Men in Tights. Hel-loooo, can we
spell Tinkerbell? And don't even try that tired old excuse
played by (yawn) Kevin Costner. He didn't even bother speaking with
an English accent!!!! The only cool character in that movie was Alan
Rickman as the villainous Sheriff of Nottingham. At least ye olde
Sheriff had a twisted sense of humor -- especially when it comes to
his wenches ("You -- 10:30! You -- 10:45! And bring a friend!).
Something else about the Sheriff with which Zorro shares in common --
they both wore black. Black as in Darth Vader black. Black = cool.
Robin wears green leotards that make him look like an oversized,
flaming Kermit the Frog. (And he talks like Kermie, too!)
Viva Zorro! Ay caramba!
- The Genius Formerly (and Still) Known as Eddie
I believe that neither will win. It will all start out as a battle
to the death between Zorro and Robin Hood, but about halfway through,
it will go awry. RH and Big Z will be going at it when, in true
Hollywood style, Hood will drop his saber, and "the fox" will kick
it out of reach, at which point, Robin will give Zorro one of
looks. While R and Z are glaring at one another (it would never
occur to any one of the swashbucklers to actually END the bout) one
of the many sailors aboard the ship will us the discarded weapon to
slice apart his\her bonds and set about releasing the other
captives. 30-some very angry and very aware sailors vs. 2 men in
high heeledboots on an unfamiliar ship. You do the math. I'm
betting that the ship will continue on its set course and arrive just
a little behind shedule with two unexpected passengers.
Robin Hood is definitely the victor in this match. The key,
as in any swordfight, is in the quality of the swords. While Zorro
has a wimpy little fencing foil, Robin has a good ol' fashioned
medieval broadsword. Zorro's sword will snap like a chicken bone as
soon as the real fighting begins.
TWO WORDS- CLOSE COMBAT
Quite simply, if these two men fight at any closer than 25 feet,
Robin Hood's little wussy bow and arrow has no purpose.
TWO MORE WORDS- BLACK MASK
Zorro's black mask is much cooler than Robin Hood's gay hat with a
feather in it... i mean seriously, he looks like the green
THE LAST TWO WORDS- MALE TIGHTS
Other than Brian Boitano and the occasional curious teenager, Robin
Hood and Peter Pan have to be the only two males to EVER wear tights.
and guess what happened to Peter Pan, he's now a brand of peanut
butter. Look for Hood's Raspberry Preserves in your supermarket in
the coming months...
- Burnsy Michigan City, IN
Zorro is the Spanish colonial equivalent to Batman. He is rich and
lives in a mansion in California. Robin is penniless, as the king
has seized all his lands and holdings, and he lives in a tent at
best. Who's getting more? (You know what I mean)
Also, any man who can sneak around in all black in the dark of night
and not get hit by a horse carriage can easily avoid the paltry blows
of a would be English bandit. Plus Zorro works solo and Robin has a
bunch of Thugs at his beck and call. (Read doing his work for him)
Robin has a love interest. OK Ill give you that, bully for Hood.
This does not give him an advantage but rather a disadvantage. Love
interest=monogamy. I think that is monogamy is wonderful; I'm a
married man. But Heroes go soft and stupid when in a serious
relationship. (Spidey, Superman, Flash (Barry Allen) perfect
examples.) Even Batman (really pushing the Bats-Zorro thing here) the
hard-a$$ of comics is guilty. What happens when he falls in Love with
Ra's al Ghul's daughter Talia? He reveals his Identity to her and
Nearly gets the JLA killed that's what.
With no specific woman in his life Zorro has no one to worry about
living for, thereby allowing him the advantage of attack from the
onset and avoiding stupid mistakes. Its just him and his sword.
Robin must be on the defensive from the start for fear of losing his
life with Marian. The only way Robin has an advantage in this is if
he uses a bow and not a sword. But with Zorro's stealth abilities
that ain't happening!
Zorro hands down!
- John Smith (not an alias)
Judging by the pictures, we're far more likely to see a rendition of
the entire score of HMS Pinafore than a swordfight.
And if that's the case, my money's on Robin.
- Plain Vanilla Lisa
Only Robin Hood was cool enough to be adapted as a musical for Frank
Sinatra. So Robin Hood has the protection of the Mob.
Nest time Zorro jumps off a cliff to land on his horse before
galloping heroically off, he finds just the horse's head and a violin
player at the bottom.
- The Nestbeschmutzer
The fight is to take control of a BOAT.
The best person for this kind of job is a PIRATE.
Zorro is a dead ringer for the DREAD PIRATE ROBERTS.
The Dread Pirate Roberts is the third greatest pirate ever... right
behind BLACKBEARD and WILLIE STARGELL.
The closest Robin Hood can get to a pirate is YELLOWBEARD
(via an obscure Monty Python sketch from one of the German
Flying Circus episodes where Graham Chapman played a
Robin Hood with piss-poor aim).
Yellowbeard versus The Dread Pirate Roberts? Like there's any
Well, remember that Robin Hood lived some 500 years before Zorro.
This means either:
A) Zorro has mastered the art of time travel, meaning he is currently
naked and armed with an ancient weapon (shades of Terminator vs.
Headless Horseman), and Robin thinks he is mad, talking about this
B) Robin Hood is 500 years old, which must make him a Jedi Master,
and his blade is a lightsabre. I guess nobody's told him that King
Richard is dead.
Either way, Robin will win, as in the "A" situation, Zorro will be
confused, disoriented, and unable to handle these old weapons (back
when swords were SWORDS!); or in the "B" situation, Robi Hood-Kenobi
will use the powers of the Force to punish the Spanish pansy.
P.S. And if worst comes to worst, remember this: Robin has the weapon
of bad Bryan Adams music, which no human being can withstand.
- Oxymoron "Brave Sir Robin Won't Run From THIS Fight."
"Ty Powers [Zorro] could fence Errol Flynn [Robin Hood] into a
cocked hat" -- Basil Rathbone, aka Captain Pasquale in The Mark
of Zorro and Sir Guy of Gisbourne in The Adventures of Robin
"Ho!" "Ha!" Guard! Turn! Parry! Dodge! Spin! "Ha!" Thrust!
The battle between Robin Hood and Zorro was fast and furious.
Blades flashing and feet flying, the two men fought as never before.
Robin's blade sliced through the edge of Zorro's cape. A thrust of
Zorro's rapier knocked off Robin's feathered cap. But still they
fought on. Sensing that his opponent was tiring, Zorro's blade
became a singing net of steel, forcing Robin to back up step by
step. But just as Robin was about to trod on his hat, a resounding
laugh sounded across the deck of the Fortuna Loca, causing the
duelists to stop in their tracks.
A tall, dour looking man stood on the poop deck, wearing a plaid
deerstalker cap and a caped greatcoat and holding a pipe. "Ay,
Dios! Captain Pasquale, you villain!" cried Zorro. "Zounds! It's
that devil Sir Guy of Gisbourne!" exclaimed Robin.
"On the contrary, my name is Holmes," explained the detective,
pulling a revolver from his pocket to cover the two
swashbucklers. "My powers of deduction led me to believe that this
treasure was in danger of being stolen. After following the strange
disappearances of peasants near Sherwood Forest, I determined that
you, Sir Robert of Locksley, were putting together a group of 'merry
men' intent on confiscating this treasure for your own ends."
"This treasure must go to free King Richard!" cried Robin,
starting forward. "Careful, my friend," cautioned Zorro, stopping
him, "He holds in his hand a pistol of some sort." At Robin's
confused look, he explained, "It's like a tiny bow and arrow, only
far more deadly."
"And you, Señor Zorro," continued Holmes. "I deduced
that you would also be on board from the smoke signals I detected.
The smoke was a color that only the redwoods of California produce.
d your hacienda has a fine stand of redwoods on it, does it
not, Don Diego de la Vega?"
"How do you know my name?" gasped Zorro. "No one knows my
"Unfortunately, I do not have time to explain it to you," sighed
Sherlock, cocking his pistol and levelling it at Zorro's heart. "It's
a pity, because it really is quite el--"
Bang! The crack of a gun sounded loudly in the night air. Robin
and Zorro stared in amazement as Holmes' body pitched forward onto
"Elementary?" cried a shrill voice. "Were you going to say 'it
was quite elementary, my dear Watson?'" A short, roundish man stood
there, staring at Holmes' corpse and twitching
nervously. "Condescending so and so!" He suddenly seemed to
realized the presence of the two swordsmen. "Ah, hello there. I
have to be going now." Watson turned and scuttled off the ship,
leaving the heroes to split the treasure and live happily ever
- Angie L.
Ok. First George Hamilton is one of the Coolest, and Tannest, man in
HISTORY. His Zorro the Gay Blade was much funnier then Robin Hood: Men
in Tights, even if the later was by Mel Brooks. Proving that even Mel
Brooks can't make Robin Hood funny... because he's a dork.
Second, if Black Adder/ Mr Bean can beat up on Robin Hood, in Black
Adder's Back and Forth, anyone can. I mean Black Adder NEVER wins, but
he was able to steal Maid Marion. So there goes that agruement.
Zorro Wins. and the English poof goes back to the forest to drink his
horrid british ale.
There is one sizable factor that has been left out here:
Robin-a-bobbin is a generalist, skilled in a variety of weapons-- and
what he's noted for is the bow. At various times he uses a variety of
weapons, and I can think of at least three that he uses
significantly: the bow, the sword, and the quarter staff.
Zorro, on the other hand, wields one weapon to the exception of most,
if not all, others: the sword. Always. His signature is made with a
sword slash, for goodness sake.
There's also the matter of sword style. If he's doing this for King
Richard, Robin's using a heavy, clunky, poorly balanced English
broadsword (or a longsword, at best). Either one is essentially a
heavy club with an edge (which is lost by the end of a typical
battle, in the broadsword's case). The picture of him for the match
bears this out.
Zorro wields a light, quick, well-balanced rapier, a weapon with
which he can easily outmaneuver the heavier blade.
So, we've got Robin, the generalist who vaguely specializes in the
bow, fighting with a clumsy sword against Zorro, who specializes in
the rapier and is fighting with, well, a rapier.
Zorro in twenty seconds, and that's only because this is a movie
Have you ever been to a "baile latino" (Latino dance)? Latin
ballroom dance is not a sissy sport. It takes a lot of strength and
endurance, as well as a good sense of timing, rythm, and finesse, to
do it well. These qualities, when transferred to swordplay clearly
gives Zorro an advantage, as he demonstrated that he can dance as
well as fight. Robin 'o th' Hood, on the other hand, did have a good
soundtrack to fence to (written by Erich Korngold, one of the
mentors, I believe, of John Williams).
Poor Robin Hood. He doesn't have a chance. If this match were
taking place in 1964, he'd probably win, but it's three decades and
several takes on the legend later. The poor guy has suffered
countless remakes of his story, he's been demoralized. Tell me, how
would you feel if Disney made an animated musical out of YOUR life?
How would YOU feel knowing there was a cartoon dog playing you,
singing and dancing during the musical numbers? Or even better, how
would you like seeing YOUR name up on the marquee in lights, except
it says "Donald H. Stein: Men in Tights"?
How would YOU feel, knowing that your opponent was played by Antonio
Banderas, while you were played by Kevin Costner?
At this point in time, Zorro has the Mentos-level coolness,
especially compared with Robin Hood, who can barely muster himself up
to the level of Tic-Tacs. And I'm not talking about the orange ones
either, I mean the nasty cinnamon ones. All Zorro has to do is
go "*cough*MelBrooks*cough*" and Robin will drop his sword and fall
to his knees weeping, reading to have his brains spread across the
floor and marked with a "Z."
- Infraggable Krunk
Those of you have seen Shrek, you have proof Robin Hood isn't gay.
He sung the song with the merry men that went like this:
"Well I prefer a saucy maid"
"What he's basically saying is he likes to get..."
So therefore he is not gay because he tries to take Princess Fiona
away and rape her.
Later in the movie he sings the YMCA song, and the merry men are
dancing in a gay way. Notice that Robin Hood isn't. He is just
dancing along, like a normal staright guy.
The gay one is Zorro- my point is he tried to save the Californians,
but he never said anything about the hot girls there. Even the Beach
Boys, who are 100% full-fledged gay, notcied that Calirfonia girls
are hot as hell. But Zorro didn't.
- Chris Drew, 13 year old PUNK
A few years ago, it came up in a news article that Mexico's elite
police force known as ZORRO was caught torturing its victims. As far
a I know no britian police force named after Robin Hood has come
anywhere near this. Thus I am forced to to conclude that ZORROW would
be the winner here.
I'd like to give this one to Zorro. Really, I would. His movie was the
inspiration for "Batman" both within and without the storyline (that's
right, the Waynes had seen "The Mark of Zorro" before heading down the
dark alley) as well as a particularly enjoyable Duracell commercial.
In contrast, every time I think of Robin Hood I have to spend five
minutes driving the theme song by Bryan "Canada Apologizes" Adams out
of my skull.
However, my personal bias cannot change the fact that Robin Hood's
weapon has a far longer range. If the scourge of Nottingham can reach
a high position such as a crow's nest, he can pick off anything on the
deck that moves. What's the Gay Blade going to do with his sword, try
to chop down the mast? And what kind of idiot brings a sword to a
bowfight, anyway? Taunting with "Have you seen this one?" and other
_pointed_ remarks, Robin Hood will turn Zorro into a pin-cushion.
- Matt Bricker
Let's look at it this way:
Robin Hood is English, and when you get down to it, British.
Zorro is Spanish.
Zorro's love interest was played by Catherine Zeta-Jones, who is
Welsh, and when you get down to it, British.
Therefore, there is a precedent of Zorro falling to the British.
Zorro will be defeated at the hands of Robin Hood.
- Balthazar the Blue
My vote's for whoever thought of doing this match without Kevin
Costner or Antonio Banderas appearing.
- Kilgore Trout
Got to go with Zorro on this one. It's one thing to be able to use a
sword to run your enemies through, it's another to use it to only cut
clothing and not draw blood. Zorro will give Robin a lesson before
pushing him into the sea.
I will open with one nit-picking rank, Zorro is NOT the greatest
swordsman who ever lived that would either be: D'Artagnan or Miyamoto
Mushashi, probably the latter, he got the Baddest Battleship of All
Time (TM) named after him.
In the scenario as laid out here it looks like it will come down
to a straight swordfight, Zorro would probably win that, but for the
MISCELLANEOUS OTHER FACTORS (TM), herinafter reffered to as MOF.
MOF 1: Errol Flynn spent most of his carear playing people who
beat the crud out of the Dons, he did it as Captain Blood, he did it
as The Seahawk. This experience will count.
MOF 2: What the hell back up has Zorro got? A huge priest with
a fat gut, that's what, Robin has a Huge Priest With A Fat Gut Who
Kicks Arse (TM). Robin also has, or has had depending on version - a
Token Black Guy (TM) with an Unhistorical Ability To Make Gunpowder
(TM), various blokes who can play the lute (Will Scarlet, Alan a
Dale), hordes of forelock tugging peasents, a real huge bloke (Little
MOF 2A: Errol has Bugs Bunny as well, trump that you poodle
MOF 3: Cool people who have played Zorro but not Hood: Tyrone
Power. Cool people who have played Hood but not Zorro: Sean Connery.
Which would your first choice be?
MOF 3a: Cool people who have played Hood's Enemies but not
Zorro's: Alan Rickman; I cannot think of anybody cool who's been
Zorro's enemy but not Hood's.
MOF 4: Hood always has a plan, he would not take on Zorro
unless he thinks he can win, or unless his entire band has longbows
trained on him, or unless he plans to lose, be captured and escape.
Even if he loses then Zorro will end up joining his band just like
Little John did.
MOF 5: Catherine Zeta Jones is not nearly as hot as Olivia de
MOF 6: Robin Hood has been subject to a Mel Brooks paraody
(that it sucked more than Monica Lewinsky is irelevent).
MOF 7,8,9,10 and all the rest:
Robin Hood is the orignal and best of Aristocrats who take
up arms on behalf of the opressed, Zorro is just a feeble rip off who
will spend the next 20 years in therapy after having his feeble
Californian derrier wupped.
However despite deserving to win Hood will lose because: Most
Web Users are Yanks, and there has been a more recent Zorro film than
a Hood one.
First, I just want to warn both Paul & Joe not to mouth off about the true love interests of either Robin Hood or Zorro, lest you run into a squadron of merry men and/or gay blades. True Story: I worked with a New Yorker (Vincent) once, and he said that when he and a friend were walking in Times Square once, they spotted some transvestites. Vinnie's friend said, "Hey, look at the queens" a little too loudly, forgetting, as Vinnie put it, that guys in women's clothes are still guys. Who can hit. Hard. Vinnie and his friend couldn't even defend themselves; they were too busy laughing too at the fact that they were getting their butts kicked by said "queens". So I'd be very cautious when leaving the security of the Grudge Match building if I were you guys.
- Estrella - I voted for Robin Hood, because somebody has to pay for that awful Queen of Swords show.
I'd like to see Robin Hood just TRY and undress a woman with a bow and arrow. Go Zorro.
- My name is Kenny
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