"Hello. This is Joan Rivers from fantastic Las Vegas reporting for E! We're here covering the fabulous opening of the only new casino dedicated to the King and I don't mean Charles. Can we talk? Of course, I mean Elvis Presley who is forever memorialized here at the Graceland Casino and Feedbag. For all of you who just tuned in, you missed a wonderful duet of 'Jailhouse Rock' by Strip Icon Wayne Newton and former Presley family member Michael Jackson. Jacko came out in a new gorgeous Armani silk and diamond-encrusted surgical mask - the pinnacle of fashion for the physically or mentally ill. But now, we come to the grand finale which has been promised to be a 'Really Big' event. OH! OH! Here's the announcer! Let's listen:"
"Ladies and gentlemen, here's what you've all been waiting for. We have gone to great lengths to bring you a spectacle that personifies Elvis: the music, the celebrity, the food, the drugs and the unsightly fat. And so we bring you Celebrity Elvis Sumo Mud Wrestling!" The star-studded crowd goes wild. "For this epic battle, the ring has been filled not with mud but with a special Elvis Stew made from the King's favorite foods: pig ears, Jello, peanut butter, bananas and amphetamines. The winner of this match will be given perpetual free rights to the Blue Suede All-You-Can-Eat Buffet. No expense has been spared!"
"In this corner, weighing over 250 pounds from Greenwich, Connecticut, the most annoying talk show host in the known universe and all around busy body, ROSIE O'DONNELL." Rosie waddles into the ring wearing a Tom Cruise bathrobe, perkily talking to the audience non-stop with a megaphone.
"And in this corner, weighing over 300 pounds, originally from the mean streets of Salt Lake City, the original domestic goddess, ROSEANNE!" She is carried to the ring in a forklift wearing a bikini and a barrel of Ultra Slim Fast.
So which fatass femme fatale will flatten her foe?
PAUL: In honor of the holiday season and the start of a new millennium full of hope and peace, let me be the first to say something nice about out contestants and bring civility to the WWWF...
O (censored) THIS! Roseanne the Fatty is going to squash Rosie with her Buttcheeks of Death!
Make no mistake about it. Roseanne is ENORMOUS. Her fat has fat. Parts of her body have been declared off limits to logging to protect endangered species. NASA is planning an emergency mission to free Fiona Apple from Roseanne's orbit. Her flatulence has been categorized as a greenhouse gas by the United Nations. She recently was forced to undergo weight reduction therapy before she swallowed the Earth. Rosie is Calista Flockhart compared to Roseanne. And her recent dieting is just going to make her more hungry and desperate. Rosie will be lucky if she isn't eaten and crapped out before the opening bell.
If that was not enough, Roseanne has the all-important nudity advantage. When women wrestle in the mud, clothing gets ripped and private parts get revealed. While either of them baring all would be enough to induce vomiting, Roseanne is preferable. Why? Because she has already appeared naked! Yes, she bared all for Gear Magazine. Trust me. It was either Roseanne or the lovechild of the Brothers Grunt and a swollen hippopotamus. So why should this be an advantage? Because we can still stop Rosie from revealing more than we ever wanted to see. The anticipation of breasts is worse than the breasts themselves. Rosie will be taken down by the crowd, forever entombing her acres of flesh in Elvis stew.
A Rosie by any other name would be just as dead.
JOE: Jeez, Paul, I don't know what happened to you as a child but I gotta tell you, if any normal person were to be wandering around the newsstand and happen to glance at a magazine that says, "Roseanne gets Naked", they don't pick it up and sneak a peak inside. Hypothetical train wreck or not, that's just wrong. Please tell me you don't have a poster of that.
Now, I can deal with all the fat jokes and the images of Roseanne baring it all (shudder), but viciously attacking the sweet and lovable Rosie by comparing her to quite possibly the lowest form of life is inexcusable. Calista Flockhart is about seven levels down the food chain from Rosie O'Donnell.
But onto the real issue, here. The fact is, no matter how annoying Roseanne is, she's too weak to even have a chance of winning. Rosie was born in Long Island and grew up on the mean streets of New York City. Roseanne: Salt Lake City. Yeah, it's gotta be tough beating up on Mormons. Also, Rosie is much smarter. She actually finished high school and attended college, which is more than I can say for the Absolutely Flabbulous Roseanne.
Let's face it, Rosie is cunning, strong and she's gonna put the biggest body slam smackdown on Roseanne this world has ever seen!
PAUL: Hey, don't knock the poster. I haven't had any cockroaches in months.
And since when has Rosie O'Donnell been "sweet"? She invited Tom Selleck on her show to promote a movie and then ambushed him about his NRA membership. She tried to censor a song from the classic musical Annie Get Your Gun. She threatened to quit her show if they did not allow her to air Barbara Streisand's political rant and then quit the show anyway. She is an irritating whining wench that alienates everyone. This is not smart when she needs all the help she can get going up against Mount Subcutaneous. Who would want to help Rosie? Babs? Even if she has not already taken the first boat to France with Alec Baldwin, Yentl is no match for the fifteen midget wrestlers that Roseanne has hidden in her infinite folds of blubber.
And you want tough? Roseanne had sexual relations with TOM ARNOLD! If she could tolerate Mr. Stupid for five years, what could Rosie possibly do to hurt her? Roseanne even gets the RAGE advantage!
At least Rosie will lose the excess pounds. The Death Diet works wonders.
JOE: Rosie isn't whiny, she's POLITICAL. This denotes intelligence. People come on her show to talk to her about whatever, not just their movies, so it's not like she "ambushed" Tom Selleck, she just tried to ask him a serious question instead of the normal boring crap the all talk show hosts do... which reminds me, how long was Roseanne's show on the air? Did it even make it through a full episode? That sounds to me like an "irritating whining wench that alienates everyone," not just standing up for what you believe in, like Ms. O'Donnell.
Rosie does not need any help to kick Roseanne's ass. Roseanne can bring all two of her friends to the fight if she wants to on the off chance that anyone else can even fit into the ring. Rosie's gonna kick their ass anyway. You think sleeping with Tom Arnold makes her tough. To me that just screams "personality disorder." Having low enough self esteem to screw Tom Arnold is about as low as you can go.
These arguments are a moot point however, due to one distinct advantage given to Rosie in this scenario. Roseanne is a pig, and they are wrestling in Elvis Stew. The moment Roseannasaurus Rex enters the ring she's going straight to the mat to fill up on good Ol' Fashioned Home Cookin'. She'll be laying on the ground squirming in the goo, lapping up banana chunks. All Rosie is gonna have to do to win this one is climb up the mountain of flab and sit on her until the count of three.
One... Two... Queen of the Ring: Rosie, bay-be!
Thanks to the many people that suggested this match.
While I find Rosie O'Donnell a bit less obnoxious than Roseann and it might be nice to see her win, that's not what is going to happen. This match will be decided by the environment and physics.
First of all, the wrestling match will be taking place in "Elvis Stew". Since the substances that make up this material are food, both combatants will undoubtedly eat all of it before even starting to wrestle. They will be aided in this by the fact that the stew will actually be sucked into their gravitational fields.
This leads us to the physics portion and also to why no one will win this bout. Recently, much theoretical computation has gone into figuring out what would happen if two very massive objects, such as neutron stars or black holes, collide with each other. Our two combatants fit the category, and since I am the Demented Astronomer, I feel qualified to explain what will happen. If we go by just Newtonian physics, they will merge into one even more massive object in a very violent and destructive manner. If we allow for relativistic effects, things get even uglier and this situation is too complicated for even supercomputers to handle.
Either way, both combatants destroy themselves and form either a neutron star or black hole depending on their combined mass and density. The casino, the Elvis impersonators, and a good chunk of the state of Nevada are instantly destroyed. However, some good will come of this as Rosie and Roseanne will be gone forever and the astrophysicists will get to see if their new gravity wave detectors really work.
In short, they both lose while we win.
- The Demented Astronomer
There is no match here. Rosie, who admits to barricading herself in her communal condo room with a dresser to escape the vices of the other comedians living in the home, would only show up if she had been tricked, or drugged. Former prom queen and class president from Long Island who calls a hot night "a rousing game of Scrabble," finds herself face to face with a woman who embraces vice like a heroine addict embraces an AIDS tainted needle. Roseanne made her comic debut in a Denver biker bar while living in an artist colony in the rugged Rocky Mountains. Rosie made hers on Star Search with Ed McMahon. Roseanne stood in front of thousands of angry baseball fans, grabbed her crotch, and wailed out a tone def version of the Star Spangled Banner. She blew off offers from Heff to appear in Playboy in favor of spreading her wears for Gear, a low class rag from the desk of Bob Guccione Jr. son of Penthouse founder Bob Guccione.
Roseanne's mean, bitter, grizzled, with a new, slightly leaner build, and a fearless take no prisoner attitude. She openly kisses women. She isn't afraid of childbirth; liking it so much she opted for late age in vitro. While Roseanne may not be the brightest, this isn't a spelling bee; it's a grudge match. Rosie on the other hand, adopted her children, ripped material from Jerry Seinfeld, and became a star on the backs Madonna and Meg Ryan. It would be quick, and it would be ugly. Roseanne would seize Rosie's hair as she attempts to waddle her way hysterically out of the King's special mud pie. Once firmly in the She-Devil's grasp, she will have the Little Debbie Cakes summarily slapped out of her.
First and foremost, thank you ever so much for the visual of Rosie vs. Roseanne wrestling in "Elvis Stew". Your Ebola-laced thank-you card and (the horror of horrors...) fruitcake are in the mail.
Now, I'll dissect this match before the Jack Daniels'-Induced-Immunity-To-Grossiosity (TM) wears off.
Even though Roseanne is pretty damn annoying, her TV sitcom, frankly, was not all that bad. I found it watchable. In fact, I remember some of the episodes. One of which, in fact, stands out clearly ... Roseanne and her sister Jackie (who weighs, oh, about 1/3 of Roseanne) get into a fight... AND ROSEANNE LOSES. That's right. She got her butt kicked by a woman 200 lbs. lighter than her. (The studio audience laughs at the scene of Roseanne dropping her face into the couch and sobbing... doesn't say much for her popularity...) Rather disconcerting, considering that Rosie can pretty much match Roseanne pound for pound (ton for ton?).
Rosie O'Donnell has not gotten into a brawl on her talk show... however, she does mix it up in a stinkbomb called EXIT TO EDEN. (Cue sounds of a million movie watchers crying in agony, then suddenly silenced.) In it, she also goes up against a woman about 1/3 her size, Iman. Rosie proceeds to win that fight by KO.
I know what all you TV junkies are saying... "But, Todd, Jackie from Roseanne also kicked the collective butt of Dharma AND Greg! Doesn't strength of adversary mean anything? Rosie couldn't take Jackie either!"
My reply: "Know your role, and SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"(TM) I mean, let's face it, BLOSSOM could probably take out Dharma and Greg. I see this. Rosie O'Donnell knocks people out (with either her right hand or her (yawn!) talk show). Roseanne taps out to anorexics.
(Oh, no, the Jack is wearing off! And they're starting the match! My evilness, they're in bikinis!!! AAAAAGH!")
- Todd "I'M BLIND! I'M BLIND!" Evil
I can't say that I'm fond of either of these two women. Nor can I say that I see a definite advantage in the ring for either one. Nor will I ever forgive you people for putting a mental image in my head that will require three hours with a fireplace poker to remove. I have to choose a side to root for though, without a question, it's Roseanne. I choose her because one segment on one episode of her talk show contained the funniest thign I have ever seen on TV. Patrick Stewart was her guest that day. Roseanne had him do a dramatic, shakespearian-sounding, reading of the children's book, "Everyone Poops."
Alright, the first grudge match of 2001. Here we are, got my "Hotbranch 3:16" t-shirt, my air-horn, just waiting for the fight to start. And here come the- AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! OH MY GOD! SAVE ME! GET ME OUTTA HERE! AAAAAAAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
<gouges his eyes out>
Whew! Just in time.
- The Super-Intelligent One wonders why you hed to do this to him.
I took one look at this match and now I'm incapable of acheiving an erection.
- Infraggable Krunk
Roseanne "THE Bitch" vs. Rosie "Tickle-Me-Elmo" Odonnald? Something must be out of whack here. It's just too one-sided. Rosie Odannald was never used in a grudge match (Data vs. Spock) as a threat from an omnipotent being! THERE MUST BE SOMETHING WRONG HERE!!! Some variable must enter the equasion to even the odds!!! What could it possibly be? Well, let us analyze the 5 Elements of Grudge...
THE RAGE(tm): Nope. Roseanne's got it in mass quantities. She even kept a hand-grenade on the set of her sitcom!
MENTOS COOLNESS(tm): I don't think this Grudge Element applies to this match. Oh well.
MR. T(tm): Maybe...if Rosie somehow were to get Mr. T on her side, she might be a winner in this match...CONSULT THE KEVIN BACON RECORDS! (Shuffle shuffle) Sorry, Mr. T has no impact on this one.
THE IRON FIST(tm): Possibly. If there were a great number of stupid comments about either of the two, then the other would be forced to win through sheer force of annoyance. But I doubt that we can find much to say about either of them.
FANBOYS(tm): Yes! This must be the key! We have eliminated all other factors!!!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Devin, can I have the number for your last point of residence?
Oh, yeah, Roseanne eats Rosie before you can say Richard Simmons.
- The Mad Josher
The match is literally over before it starts. Roseanne sings the ceremonial National Anthem, and like she did the last time, draws boos and deafens aall within a mile-radius of her speakers. Roseanne by TKO.
- The Earl of Hardcore
I tried, but I couldn't get past the pictures. They made me retch!
- Old Skin
On the surface, Rosie and Roseanne are so similar...would we ever even KNOW which one had won?
Instead of arguing the pointless, I'd like to use a small analogy;
Who here is familiar with "Dragonball Z"? Okay, now who's familiar with the character of Majin Buu?
Let me enlighten those of you who are not anime fans: Majin Buu is a big pink lardo fatass villain who acts goofy and likes to eat. In order to become more powerful, he splits himself into a big, fat, goofy good version, and a big, fat, goofy evil version. The evil version then defeats and devours the good version, gaining the full powers of both.
I don't really think anymore needs to be said, except the necessity of figuring out whether Rosie or Roseanne is the EVIL half.
- Insomnus, Archfiend and Chief Tormentor of Beekeepers
Is there a chance that they would be eaten by a hungry Calista Flockhart after the match?
P.S. There a grudge match between two talk show hosts eariler, is there a pattern immigiring?
P.S.S. Notice that I made a comment about the match, without any fat jokes.
P.S.S. Hopefully the crowd will lay the smakedown on Joan Rivers after the match.
- Jamie McBain 2001: The Spaced Oddity
My mother is the Guru of old (re: Pre-1996) sitcoms. When asked for her input on the winner, she said: "Roseanne. She's angrier."
The Rage, eh? However, this can only get you so far.
Ayone else remember the old Ellen Ripley vs. Sarah Connor match? Paul Golba noted that "Maternal Instincts" trump everything else. Rosie's got these in spades. And yes, Sarah Connor was indeed the victor. However, she also had the Babe Factor. This then canceles out the Maternal Instincts clause for Rosie.
Ah. One for Roseanne, none for Rosie. But wait!
Rosie grew up in NYC. She's got the street smarts that can only come from marching along, while carrying a young child, with no bodyguards, and no forms of protection.
Clearly, these two fat femme fatales are at equal odds. (Hey! It's snowing in Las Vegas! Hell froze over! What are the odds?!) :)
So, I'm going to give this to another overworked, angry mother...
Thank you and good night.
I read the opening, and then I screamed. When I was done, I screamed some more.
Christ, I'm never going to get hard again. You guys are just plain mean. Don't you know pure evil has gone out of fashion?
- Mike Hanning - oh, the humanity!!
I voted for Rosie O'Donnel because I like saying Koosh (TM). It's almost as fun to say as Huggbee's.
Big bags of blubber beating the barf out of their blob-like, bitchy blisters-in-the-form-of-human beings? Bah, this bulls**t ain't worth commenting on.
- Burnt-out (and now quite sick due to your twisted Ids) Fool
Ever wonder what happened to the Blob after the movie ended? With all the global warming that's happening, here's my theory: The blob split into two pieces and reformed as two humongous "women" (I am using this term very loosely here)who have for the last few decades grown even larger as they ate everything in site. When these two "women" (Roseanne and Rosie) meet here in this fight, what do you idiots think is going to happen? They'll merge, that's what's going to happen, and that's what's going to herald the end of the earth, not four horsemen, not nuclear winter, just one huge blob of blubber and lard eating the entire earth and anything else it comes into contact with.
- Barely Fed
I say they're Both Mangled And Killed by the Fat Chicks In Party Hats.
The only loser here will be Pay-Per-View, charging $59.95 per hour to watch the least-watched event in human history. Even the contestants will be forced to avert their eyes from one another.
- The Nestbeschmutzer, Revealer of Truth to North America
(So I hear Roseanne has her own TV Talk show, eh?)
First we get Springer versus Geraldo and now this !@#%ing "Smudge"-Match (my own TM).
Forget the "Both Mangled and Killed Button". I vote for the "Voter Suicide" Button, as do hundreds of other disgruntled and insane voters......
- Tahna Los, armed with a Razor Blade and a bottle of Prozacs
I voted for Roseanne on this one but I think the best result that could come out this would be a Nuclear Warhead going off over Las Vegas during this match. If that happened then the general population would win. Especially if Rosie brought Babs. Think about it, Michael Jackson, Wayne Newton, Rosie and Roseanne all gone in an instant...
- One Nuke can brighten your day...
Rosie Vs. Roseanne
Rosie is for Gun Control. NRA is against it.
Roseanne isn't for gun control. She posed naked.
Either way the NRA is going to kill everyone as Heston shouts"You DARN DIRTY APES!!!"
Now excuse me as I read my Gear magazin....AHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh God! I just got over a stomach virus. Why do you insist on sending me back to the bathroom?
If Rosie was skinnier, she might actually look decent. In Roseanne's case, well... dieting don't fix ugly.
Rosie is going to win for one reason, she is clearly All-American. She was a star baseball player (A League of Their Own), which proves that she is fast, athletic, strong, and has good hand-eye coordination, and she is friends with Madonna and Gina Davis. She also has experience on her side, having been alive since the stone age. Of course, she was known as Betty Ruble back then, but she could still lift rocks with the best of them, which just goes to prove that it isn't fat, it's muscle.
Roseanne, on the other hand, can't even sing the National Anthem without offending everyone in the country. Other than that, in all of the episodes from her show, she never got off her couch at home except to go to the kitchen or to bed, and she is clearly out of shape.
Roseanne will find herself flattened (for a change) by a clearly superior opponent.
Well, now you've gone and done it, fellas. You've forced me to unleash my secret weapon. Something I call the Fetish Factor, which states that any Grudge Match involving female participants can be broken down into a metaphor for Kinky Sex of some kind. Now, with such broad broads as Las Dos Rositas being the contestants, some people are probably thinking "Who the hell would want to see a catfight between these two?" Well, my friends, I happen to know for a *fact* there is a clandestine order of People Who are Into This Sort of Thing on the Internet. They're called "fat admirers", or FAs for short.
Yes, it may sound weird, frightening, even freakin' bizzare, but there *are* men who are physically attracted (Nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more) to women like Rosie and Roseanne. Or they would be if Roseanne weren't suddenly shrinking (can you really call her "fat" anymore?) and Rosie weren't so saccharine and euphamistic about the whole fat acceptance thing. I say Camryn Maneheim (from "The Practice", and a real big bad momma!) comes along and beats the snot out of these pretenders for the crown of TV BBW (Big Beautiful Woman) Queen. Now excuse me, I'm going to go prepare for the deluge of flames and insults I'm going to get from this...
- Andy the Anarchist- Grudge Match Resident FA and Damn Proud of It
You gotta be kiddin me?
Rosie Vs. Roseanne?
Rosie is just a peice of flab that popped offa Roseannes Elaphant- Like hide and took on a life of it's own.
Hell Mass alone Roseanne is what keeps half of Southern California from sinking into the pacific.
When you hear about tornados you know thats the day Roseanne ate a bean burrito.
Yeah Roseanne could knock Rosie over with one of her farts and then finish her off by sitting on her head. Roseannes Giant AssCheeks are the only thing that can fill up Rosies relentlessly flapping gums.
I predict Roseanne winner.
Either way I just want them both to shut the Hell up!
- Kenneth E. Carper
Where's an "All-Killed-Chopped-Up-And-Shipped-To-Pakistan-To-Feed-The-Starving-Ch ildren-And-Finally-Save-Us-The-Commercials-For-Feed-The-Children-At-2- In-The-Morning" button?
- Ne0 Rat, Out of Breath
I'm gonna have to go with Rosseanne on this one. The one factor that ill give her the win: The National Anthem factor!
I'm sure most of you guys remember the infamous incident when Rosseanne sand the National Anthem, so let's just envision the battle shall we:
Rosie stands prepared to fight, but as she goes to hit Rosseanne, Rosseanne starts to sing the National Anthem. within seconds, Rosie has her hands to her ears, tears in her face shouting: "My god, make her stop! make her stop!" Finally, out of desperation, Rosie shoots herself with a gun. unfortunatly, Rosseanne will not be able to enjoy her victory for long as John Goodman rushes in to beat the crap out of her for all of the years he had to put up with her on the "Rosseanne" TV show
- Dane "The New Prodigy"
The outcome of this match relies entirely upon the outside influence of one person: Dr. Laura. As soon as the two overweight Maybe- Lesbians begin to roll around in Elvis Stew, Dr. Laura's Biological- Error-Radar(TM) will start having conniptions. In the time it takes her to say "I'm my kid's Mom", the doctor will be in town, with hundreds of insane housewife soccer moms from the square states close behind her. The ensuing melee, fracas and brouhaha will be so gruesome, so terrifying, so hideous, that this biological error would rather not think about it.
- Goatboy, "I am NOT a biological error!"
Oh my g*d. If I accidentally wander by this match, please please kill me. Quickly. Preferable with something that blinds me.
- The Amazing Wonder Jew
Please don't let this match go ahead!!
Didn't you guys pay attention when you had Mr T around to explain the rules of a fight?
Look, it's very simple. We have two big fat chicks fighting each other. As per Act IV, Section XXV, Paragraph 32 of the "Scrag Fight" handbook, if two fat chicks fight, one of the following will result:
1) Clothes will be ripped off
So please, call this match off and replace it with "Hugh Hefner vs Common Decency" or "Religion vs Science: Who really killed the dinosaurs?"
P.S I voted for Rosie because at least she's never gotten naked
- Rory "I have no friends and thus no nick-name" Campbell
Oh please. The collective amount of fat from the contestants and probably the audience will cause enough of a gravitational pull to attract a nearby comet and they'll all go down in a fiery blaze of cellulite... that is, unless the comet gets crushed by A: The intense gratitational pull itself, or B: They all fart and destroy the comet with the intensely dangerous gas collectively produced. But in any of these, they'll all die, either through fire, comet, or gravity.
Where's the "Both have a heart attack on the can" option?
- Tracer "Don't eat the ham sandwich" Malone
<sarcasm>Well, thank you very much, Grudge Match Commentators.</sarcasm> With all these wonderful mental images you've conjured up, you've sobered half of us and forced the rest to drink themselves into a stupor.
The third half, by the way, are drunk enough to be a little turned-on.
Rosie helped promote the Tickle Me Elmo Doll to the public, and therefore deserves to have her skin torn off, hung, set on fire, then put out, then set on fire again, then shot.
- Bri Rob the Caveman
Roseanne will win, because she's a Domestic Goddess, and, as we all know, goddesses are immortal. Rosie's only weapon is flinging Koosh Balls (ooh, I'm scared.) This match is over in 2 seconds.
- Jonah Falcon (yes, THE Jonah Falcon)
JOE: Rosie isn't whiny, she's POLITICAL. This denotes intelligence.
Joe, if you think that being politically active is a sign of intelligence, I suggest you take another look at elected officials around America. Or Canada. Or Mexico. Or...
Sorry, I got sidetracked. Anyway, trust me; I have a degree in Political Science, and I can say with professional certainity that we're ALL idiots. Rosie is a political groupie, which puts her at the bottom of the poseur hierarchy. Roseanne, on the other hand, stays true to her white trash roots. Who would be more at home in The Grudge--trailer trash, or Ms. Anti-Violence Wannabe?
Let's compare notes, shall we?
VOCAL INTIMIDATION (aka Trash Talking)
VOCAL ALTER-EGOS (aka Voice Over)
Yes, Roseanne could invoke the John Travolta factor and the
but then Rosie would just invoke the Disney Factor cited
(as I bow in obeisance before the Imperial Mouse) and easily take
seven at one blow.
THE RAGE FACTOR
With a score of 3-1-1 in favor of Rosie, it's all over shortly after a lot of people can no longer bear the horror.
Frankly, I was looking for "both crushed underneath a flailing stampede of terror-stricken spectators instantaneously blinded by the dual images of heinous obesity unbound."
- Obscured Underlord, aghast at the imagery...
As long as Joan Rivers gets caught in the crossfire, we're all winners.
(Sighing deeply.) How did Grudge Match wander so far from its roots? When did it lose sight of its purpose? Have you people no sense of right and wrong? To use the words of Vito Corleone from the endlessly quoted The Godfather: "How did things ever get so far? I don't know. It was so...unfortunate, so unnecessary."
On the one hand, you have Rosie O'whatsit, who's so far out of touch from what's "cool" that she's probably going to feature this match on her god-forsaken show. Her one claim to fame during her stratospheric rise to mediocrity was that people mistook her for one of the daughters on the 80's sitcom Gimme a Break!.
She's the cause of frat boys all over the country reaching down, deep down, and coming up with wells of cleverness they never expected, all just to express in various clever metaphors how unlikely they would know her in the Biblical sense.
Rosie is our national personification of fingernails on the chalkboard. We, as Americans, have never expressed sorrow for stealing the land of the aboriginal people. Various wars with European powers, Canada's settlers, and the Mexicans were merely part of our national policy. Apologize? We laugh at you, and make us toil some more in our sweatshops! (Rolls head back and laughs.) Slavery? Jim Crow? What, me worry? Dropping da bomb on Japan? They deserved it for Pearl Harbor--right?
But Rosie. Oh, Rosie. We owe the world a great, big, huge I-swear-I-can-change type apology followed by tears, hugs, diamond rings and two dozen long-stem roses. "Words cannot begin to express our sorrow" and all the rest.
As for Roseanne Barr/Arnold or whatever she's calling herself these days: here's a woman who was married to a guy so lame, comedians can barely spend the time or energy trying to come up with jokes to make fun of him. And I swear, I SWEAR, that if she makes it into the pages of "Playboy," I'll...I'll...I'll call Hugh Hefner a big, smelly meanie and swear never to masturbate to his magazine again so long as I live! So there!
The WWWF: Next match--Some more guys featured in Jay Leno's nightly monologue! Stay tuned!
- Tim Buck II
I'm sorry, but Roseanne mud-wrestling in a bikini? Doesn't matter who wins, because, after seeing that, we're all losers.
- Mr. Potato Head
This match is dangerous. The combined weight of these lardasses could reach critical mass and create a black hole, sucking the Earth to its destruction!
Trust me. "Suck" and "destruction" cover pretty much anything involving these two.
- don Jaime del Resfriado
Lemme get this straight... you want mud wrestling? With who?
You guys make me sick. This is enough to drive one to drink. I'm gonna go curl up with a bottle of Jack Daniels... wake me when it's over.
Roseanne wins though: remember her horrible rendition of "The Star-Spangled Banner" before that baseball game in '90? She'll launch into it again here, making Rosie sure *wish* she had a gun, if only to end her own pain as Roseanne launches into it again. As it is, the crooning shatters the sanity of Rosie, Rivers, and just about every other semi-conscious being in the quadrant.
- Chris 'Jedi' Knight sez "I came back from hiatus for this?"
I actually like both comediennes. I think they're both pretty funny. However, this is a Sumo wrestling match and we must look at it objectively and..... aw, who the hell cares! Rosie O'Donnell had Muppets on her show. That garners my vote instantly. The Muppet association factor added with the fact she had Hillary Rodham Clinton chat it up with Oscar the Grouch gets her the win and Roseanne a facefull of Koosh balls.
- Noel Schornhorst
Well off course Rosie is going to win. I mean, come on lets think about this. She jumps into the middle of the ring and starts talking and she just keeps babbling on. Just when Roseanne is about to jump her with her incredibel fat, Rosie pulls out a couple of Playstation 2's and gives one to Roseanne as well as the audience. Since she is so damn rich and able to afford anything, eceryone is happy and Rosie wins the match.
- Codneame: Jack
This is clearly a game of one half, and of just one move. Roseanne has the all-important Bulk advantage; One slap of her huge Thunder Thighs (tm) will cause a tidal wave to drench Rosie from head to toe, thus blinding her. And as we know from Karate Kid Part 3, a man can't fight if he can't see. This applies equally to (if you will excuse the term) the fairer sex, leaving Roseanne victorious.
- Lord Of Cunning
After the several minutes it take both "women" to slither to the middle of the ring, they finally get there. They both notice the various machetes, pitchforks, and shovels (a.k.a. their eating utensils) and reach down for them. Unfortunely, because of their whale blubber, neither one can reach them. So they commence to belly- to-belly fighting, their arms being far too short to be of any use. After several movements by those combined guts that physics insist is impossible, Roseanne gets a slight advantage. She tries to drown Rosie in the Elvis Slop, but Rosie merely inhales all of it. Roseanne now flops on Rosie trying to squish her. But Rosie, now on a major trip from the amphetamines, sees Roseanne as a HUGE steak. As she moves toward Roseanne, Rosie legs, no longer able to support her, pulls a Joe Theismann. Roseanne, hearing the snap, drags Rosie to the corner and delivers the most gruesome move ever invented, the STINKFACE. The force of those massive buttcheeks pressing together smashes Rosie's face like Gallager hitting a watermelon, while the smell melts the flesh until nothing is left of Rosie but a steaming puddle of blubber. So the winner is Roseanne.
But wait, the smell of the Elvis Slop has brought out the ultimate fatass, Sally Struthers. Driven into a feeding frenzy by having gone 5 minutes without eating food marked for Ethiopia, looks ravenously at Roseanne. Like a snake, Sally Struthers seems to have Roseanne hyponotized as her bottom jaw detaches and she swallows Roseanne whole. Then Sally Struthers is poked and prodded by her trainers back into her cage and shipped back out. So the real winner, all of us.
- Samuel J. Warren, Professor of Asswhoopology, Stone Cold University
I don't know who won, but I'm pretty sure that the losers were all the people who had to watch this match ringside...
I voted for O'Donnell. Why? Because she at least makes an attempt to look presentable. She tries to hide disgustingness. Roseanne, on the other hand, wollows in her own filth. That kind of thing is just unacceptable.
- The Animator.
I couldn't bring myself to click on either of these "Rosie"s... I kept getting that slimy feeling and felt the need to compusively wash the mouse every time I got the pointer close to either of their faces. Think about this match like this, which would you rather be subject to for an eternity (and suicide is not an option):
1) Show Tunes
Who could possibly pick one torture over the other?
These Rosies by any other name would still stink.
- Hurricane Andrew
The two hideously enormous combatants size each other up, and then without warning, both simultaneously lunge themselves forward. They collide, tackle each other, and fall down. They pick themselves up and then suddenly, both of the grotesquely rotund women have fatal heart attacks and die.
Then Siegfried and Roy's tiger takes a couple bites out of them.
The building then collapses on top of them.
The ruins are bombed by the Chinese.
There is an earthquake and the entire site is sucked into the bowels of the Earth.
The Chinese bomb them again.
Now, if you would include a damn "All Mangled and Killed" option, I wouldn't have had to type all that out. Get with the program, people!
- My name is Kenny
I don't care who wins this fight, I just want to be there for the weigh-in. I need a good laugh.
Rosie 'Odennel is irevocably connected with the high pitched, obnoxious, fatheaded, grammatically inept Muppet From Hell,(tm) ELMO!
Elmo has a goldfish named Borphie, or something like that.
The only other famous goldfish I can think of (Barring Pokemon) is Fluffy, who as we all know, is the epitome of sloth, clumsiness, spupidity, weakness, helplessness, flatulence, spontaneous epilepsy, and general incompetence that all true gruedgies revile.
Rosie will be drowned/poisoned when Roseanne sits down suddenly. Tragically, must of the audience suffers the same fate.
- Antidisestablishmentairianism (Serves 'em right, too!)
Blahhhhhhhhh (drip drop drip)
*wipes mouth, apologizes to commentators and promises to buy them new shoes*
Ohhh, too much visualization, I'll have to scrub my eye balls with a wire brush just to feel clean again. Huhh---ump
*eyes buldge, cheeks inflate, commentators step back*
- Nathan (must kill self, end mental pictures)
These two portly divas must be even matched in terms of body weight. But what about about head weight, an often-overlooked quality that can be vital to Elvis-stew-wrestling.
Roseanne may be a big fatso, but at least the size of her head is relatively proportional to the size of her body. Whereas Rosie's noggin has it's own gravity well. Seriously, ol' Pumpkinhead will have trouble keeping her balance in the hunka hunka burnin' stew.
Furthermore just look at the way Roseanne mercilessly....
...Ah the hell with it. I'm not finishing this commentary. I'm far too nauseated by the whole premise. But save me some stew, will ya? Mmmmmm....
- 1/2 Nelson
Waitwaitwait... You're telling me you took the two FATTEST, UGLIEST, MOST GROTESQUE WOMEN on TV, put them in BIKINIS, and had them WRESTLE IN MUD???!
Tell me something, how will you know who won this? Everyone in the building, and everyone watching at home, will have gouged their own eyes out before this match ends.
- The HeartBurn Kid
I'm voting for Rosie. I don't know who she is, but she's not Roseanne. Ain't that reason enough?
Besides, always bet on the underdog, and looking at the pictures and the weights, Rosie is that literally.
Incidentally, did you know that Gerald Durrell wrote a book about a character named Rosie... an alcoholic elephant.
"Thank you, Frasier, for coming to my office and assisting me with evaluating these patients."
"I'm glad to assist you, Niles. A psychiatrist should not take the drastic step of lobotomizing a patient without a second opinion."
"Excellent. Now remember, if there's any problems, we merely push the red button on the desk and the orderlies will come in with straitjackets and cattle prods to handle the patients."
"Really, Niles, is that necessary?"
"Well you never can tell." Niles pushes the intercom button. "Send in the patients, please." Paul and Joe enter the office dressed in hospital gowns and take their seats. Niles asks, "Do you gentlemen know why you're here?"
Joe says, "Well, we were the commentators on the Grudge Match of Roseanne versus Rosie O'Donnell and all I said was Rosie was sweet-"
"Excuse me," Frasier asks with blank shock on his face, "did you say Rosie O'Donnell was 'sweet'?"
"Yes," says Joe, "and she isn't whinny, she's political."
"Ah!" say Frasier and Niles as they look at each other and simultaneously press the red button. After the orderlies have beaten Joe and shocked him with the cattle prods, they place him in a straitjacket and drag him from the office.
Niles says, "Well, anyone who takes the opposite of Joe's argument must be sane so I guess you're free to go, Paul."
"Thanks, Doc. I can't believe they put me here with that lunatic just because I have a poster of Roseanne naked."
Frasier and Niles crawl over each other to press the red button first.
As the orderlies drag Paul out, Niles asks Frasier, "Lobotomies?"
Frasier says, "See if their HMOs will let us stick Cuisinarts up their noses and set it for Frappe."
- The Admiral - Joe and Paul don't deserve lobotomies but you guys have got to install a "Both Killed and Mutilated" button.
Rosie has got this one for sure. And for several reasons, too.
Several past matches have hinged on ranged attacks and the ability to project damage long distances. Examples include Godzilla's win over King Kong (Thermonuclear breath[TM]), Death Star over the Enterprise (Superlaser[TM] and turbolasers[TM] and TIEs[TM] versus wussy bug zapper and shuttlecraft), almost any Star Wars victory over Star Trek and such(cool blasters, starfighters, and the Force[TM] versus phasers which have a level 15 thermonuclear blast but are only put on stun), and so forth. Examining the opponent's ranged attacks, we find that Roseanne does have her infamous grating voice[TM], capable of flattening many buildings(akin to Godzilla's Screech of Death[TM], but more annoying). Also, I find it likely that Roseanne could launch pieces of food that she finds hidden in her folds of flab, but she would most likely eat them first. Rosie, on the other hand, has some baseballs she kept from her movie A League Of Their Own. These are not likely to affect Roseanne if they hit her in the torso, the layers of fat acting like so much armor plating. However, Rosie would unleash her most devastating ranged weapon: the diabolical Koosh Slingshot[TM]. With her keen aim and the actually REALLY PAINFUL punch of the Koosh[TM], she could nail the Flabulous one right between the eyes multiple times, really putting her at the advantage.
Another advantage for Rosie is having LESS weight than Roseanne. True, in a head-to-head full-on collision, Roseanne would send Rosie into orbit. BUT as we all know, in sumo[TM], lighter fighters know to dodge heavier opponents and then kick the crap out of them once the momentum of their initial charge is spent. Rosie could also dodge anything Roseanne throws at her. Once the two are at close range, Roseanne is totally unable to do any kind of fighting. Too much flab. But Rosie, being a veritable sprite next to Roseanne, can still pull off some martial arts and stuff.
Third, and possibly most important, Rosie will have the RAGE[TM][TM], which has decided many a Grudgematch. Rosie will not be happy at all in being included in this fight because she is, ahem, large, nor at being called fat. She has made a career on being a cool person and a good actress. Roseanne, on the other hand, has made a career on being FAT. No RAGE[TM] motivation. All she might be motivated by is the RAGE's[TM] cousin, the HUNGER[TM], but we all know the latter is much weaker. Also, Roseanne will likely spoil her HUNGER[TM] by eating the swill on the floor.
Here's how the fight will go:
Roseanne and Rosie face off at opposite corners. The crowd cheers loudly, "FAT! FAT! FAT!" Roseanne throws the crowd a kiss, but Rosie gets royally pissed off, and enters THE RAGE[TM]! Opening up with her Koosh Slingshot[TM], she nails Roseanne repeatedly in her relatively unfatty (and thus unarmored) head. Roseanne attempts to enter the RAGE [TM], but only manages to achieve the weaker HISSY FIT[TM].
Screeching wildly, she charges Rosie, but Rosie sidesteps at the last moment, sending Roseanne into the slop. While Roseanne satisfies her momentary hunger, Rosie prepares for the finish. As Roseanne gets up, Rosie launches into a martial arts routine, finishing up with the most supreme and undefeatable attack in the known universe, the Tranny-Kanny-Fanny-Whammer[TM]. Roseanne slumps to the ground, unconscious and lighter by a couple hundred pounds (a result of the last attack, which completely removed her buttocks). Rosie is the victor, but instead of accepting the prize, she gives it to her friend Elvis Presley, who has been hiding on the set of her show until it was safe for him to reenter the world. Now, with an endless supply of food and enough Elvis look-alikes to keep him safe from assasination, he can. After double-teaming Michael Jackson and reducing him to his constituent atoms, the pair live happily ever after doing talk shows and made-for-TV movies. All in 5 minutes.
- Robert (aka Kannyn, Trandoshan Jedi and the Master of the Tranny-Kanny-Fanny-Whammer[TM]!)
Roseanne all the way! Aas paul mentioned, Roseanne has appeared nude in a magazine, so of course she won't be self conscious about exposing herself in public. That being said, the match should go as follows: The contestants enter the ring, Roseanne wearing oh-so tight clothing, Rosie having eaten a seventy-five gallon tub of Ben and Jerry's Baked Bean O-Rama (TM). Roseanne enters a fighting stance and...
The aforementioned tight clothes tear apart, a tidal wave of blubber escaping through the gaping hole. Rosie O-Donnel stares in horror as the fat rolls towards her. And in an instant, this daytime talk- show menace is swallowed up by the countless layers of lard, never to be seen again. *snif* I just love a gratuitous, disgusting ending
This a a no-brainer, sure Rosie has the atitude but then again so does Roseanne. It's as simple as Rosie moves in for a hit and Roseanne rolls over. Oops! There goes Rosie. . . the only force that i think could stand against Roseanne is Roseanne's weight in Chuihuahuas. . . Now there is a force to be reckoned with.
- Baron of Darkness
Dear God! This match is a product of the new Grudge Match Scared Straight Program, isn't it?
- Charge Man - "Why are you laughing? Those are FAT women in skimpy clothes!"
I think Rosie will pound the crap out of Roseanne, because Rosie is full of energy while Roseanne can hardly move. Roseanne had to get a breast reduction because she had so much weight it kept her from moving. Joe Frasier was smaller than most of his opponents yet he beat most of them up, sure Foreman and Ali beat him but they had the ability to move, not like Roseanne who can hardly get off the couch. While Rosie could dance in a broadway version of Grease. And could play a lively character such as Betty Rubble. So Roseanne will stand there looking stupid while Rosie will deliver blow after blow until the fight is over.
- Mr. Silverback- I assure you, there is no All Mangled And/Or Killed Jihad.
AAAHHHHHH!!!!!!! Please Tell me this match isn't happening!!!!!! Oh God, Where is Richard Simmons when we need him!!!! This is a Andrew "Dice" Clay nightmare (those chicks, those fat chicks. You haven't lived unless you have been hogging) Oh the humanity, the humanity.....
The real winner in this match is the caterer.
Absolutely no contest. Roseanne kicks Rosie's ass. Here are the reasons:
Roseanne doesn't pretend to be anything. She knew she was a bad singer before she did the national anthem, she knew Tom Arnold was a prick and married him anyway, and she played the bitchy mamma to a hilt on her HIT T.V. show, "Roseanne." Meanwhile, Rosie professes to be a great singer, which subjects the minimal viewers to her FLOP show to off-key renditions of forgettable Broadway tunes. She wants to be known as a thoughtful, caring mommy while at the same time threatening to cancel her FLOP show because no one wanted Barbra Streisand on it. And she thinks she's an adult, while she cries like a baby.
At least Rosie has the pleasure of getting the complete mud bath. Maybe she'll look a little better after letting that gunk set on her for a few hours...then again, maybe not...
How will the ring manage to fit these two anyway?
- Boba Foot
While both contestans thinks that the world revolves around themselves, Roseanne has the mass to give weight to her arguement. When these whales sumo into each other it will be like Happy Fun Ball meets the Blob. Either Rosie will never be seen again (the tattoo on Roseannes ass reads "Abandon all hope ye who enter" for a good reason), or she will bounce into the audience of awaiting NRA members (aka disgruntled postal workers). Either way, Roseanne will gulp down her swimming pool of stew and proclaim: "I'm the BELCHQueen of the Stie!" while grabbing her crotch.
NOTE: There is no truth to the rumer that Tom Arnolds dissapearance from showbuissness is due to him geting too close to Roseanne's bucket during feeding time. He is alive and well working his dream job at Burger Beefy's All You Can Eat Grill.
---20 bucks on Roseanne
I want to join the chorus. I want to be one of the thousands shouting in unison, "Both Mangled and Killed!" As one of the Grudgefellas, though, I know better. I lobbied, I cajoled, I urged, and I was ignored.
I was ready to boycott the match in outrage, but a more charitable spirit came over me. The glass isn't half empty, it is half full. It isn't that one of these broads(term used advisedly) is going to live, it's that one of them is going to die. Once I realized this, I could respond, if not with glee, at least with equanimity.
So, we have one woman who's a jerk but casts herself as the nicest woman on TV, and another woman who's a jerk and glories in the role. Obviously, the reluctant jerk will hesitate to fight with the committed dirtiness it will take to win this match. Roseanne will end up sitting on Rosie's head, pressing it face-down into the layer of gravy at the bottom of the battle-tank until the twitching stops. (The grin on Roseanne's face during the twitching phase will revolt all but the most jaded hard-porn addicts.)
But there's a corollary to this scenario. There will be a sizable portion of the audience who have fallen for the nice-Rosie disguise, and will be incensed at Roseanne's callous dispatching of their sweetie. They will come charging into the pit like a herd of chihuahuas, and while some of them will get eaten like chihuahuas, the rest will have their revenge on Ms. Moby.
Wow. I've surprised myself. Technically there's a winner, but both contestants end up dead. My feverishly desired best-case scenario came true after all.
... almost. There's still Joan Rivers to handle. Any suggestions?
- Call me Shane
You both missed the most important part of all. Rosie has the megaphone. Once one of them starts talking they NEVER shut up. Rosie waddles over to put the Casino buffet out of business after making Rosane bleed dissolved brainmatter out of her ears.
- THE IRONMONKEY
On one episode of "ALF," the title character sneaks into a tabloid's photography storage to destroy evidence of himself. While there, he comes across the negatives of nude photos of Roseanne, much to his disgust. Think about it: when we go overseas, all of the natives look pretty much alike to us, so that tendency must be even more pronounced for when we go to other planets. So, if tiny nude photographs of Ms. Barr are enough to unnerve even an extraterrestrial, think of the effect of a live close-up appearance to Rosie, who is paid to be observant and is of Roseanne's same country, same race, same gender, everything.
Ms. O'Donnell win? Fat chance!
- Matt Bricker
No contest here folks. I think it's fairly safe to assume that Roseanne posesses The Rage (tm). Rosie still has a show that is seen by millions. Roseanne's talk show is only seen by insomniacs and Pakistani royalty. Rosie's grown soft in the limelight, and Roseanne has been hardened by the bitter reality of being on TV at 4 AM.
Today for Khazan News, Iam T-1000. In local news, the Red Shirted Ensigns have been identified as the cause behind a horrible drive by shooting against the White Storm Troopers. However, no casualities have yet been confirmed. However, our top story tonight, talk show host Rosie and Tv star Roseanne where seen fighting in Grudge Match square. Apparently it began as a simple conflict between the two stars and eventually escalted into name calling and fighting. The fighting however was brought to an end when a series of armed individual appeared. The leader presented a badge on the scene indicating his memebership of the dreaded Weight Watchers Watchers. Apparently, the entire thing was a dragged-net Operation in order for the Weight Watchers to nab the two bloated stars. They were seen kicking and screaming all the way back to Weight Watchers central. Although we have no indication of what exactly is happening to the two celebrities, informed sources are quoted as saying that they have heard incredible screams of pain coming from the building. We will have more facts as the news continues to pour in. And now for sports.
Mud wrestling ... you bastards ... have you even SEEN any mud wrestling? Do you not realize than invariably, clothing becomes REMOVED during mud wrestling? A terrible thought in itself, but then a greater HORROR becomes evident. You see, Rosie O'Donnell is quite attracted to the ladies, one would say she even LOVES them, and she wouldn't be the woman she is today if she could overcome any of her baser animal instincts. Great. Every man's fantasy shot directly through the colon of hell because of this ... this travesty. Roseanne's signature finisher "Head Scissors from Hades" becomes completely ineffectual and big R gets a whole lot more than she bargained for when she clamps down on the ex-VJ. Tom Arnold couldn't resist, and neither will O'Donnell once she gets a whiff of the funk. I'll never look at girl-girl love the same way again. Looks like a Ny-Quil night for me now, thanks "guys".
- Akhamed -- selling copies of "Bound" at a premium
I'm only voting for Roseanne because here in England, no one has heard of this Rosie woman.
- Jack O'Brien
Anyone interested in moving to England, please contact the Grudge Match Travel Agency
The REAL winners? Guys who like fat chicks covered in food.
Next Match: An international incident.
Next Match: An international incident.
© 2001, Dragon Hamster Productions, LLC