World Wide Web Fights presents
WWWF GRUDGE MATCH
The WWWF investigative crew saunters into a seedy restauarant
establishment a few miles south of Tiajuana, Mexico. Our ace reporter gives
the password and 500,000 pesos (about $6.50) to the bartender and they are
escorted to the back. The bartender nods to what appears to be a mirror
and the wall buzzes. Through a hidden door (covered by a velvet
matador), our men walk into the back room. There, surrounded by scores
of screaming Mexican peasants and Oriental businessmen, is a sand-filled
pit. At one end is chained a large male rottweiler, mad as can be. At the
other end, all in a small cage, are the rottweiler's weight equivalent in
chihuahuas. The chihuahuas are covered in A-1 sauce (which they hate but
the rottweiler loves) while the rottweiler is covered in, of course, taco
sauce. All of the animals have been kept in extremely small cages over
the past 30 days and during that time they have been thumped on the forehead
with a wooden spoon at 5 minute intervals. Basically, they're all really
pissed. They've also all been starved for the past 36 hours, so they are
extremely hungry but not weak. If the rottweiler kills all the
chihuahuas and lives, he wins. If he dies and one chihuahua is left
alive, they win. Who do you place your pesos on, Steve, in this Canine
Catastrophe South of the Border?
A Rottweiler's weight in Chihuahuas
STEVE: I've given this some careful consideration, and I have to
go with the Chihuahuas on this one. Obviously, the rottweiler will be
able to maul each chihuahua with one bite. However, the chihuahuas will
simply overwhelm the rottweiler by sheer numbers. Estimating a 120 pound
rottweiler and 5 pound chihuahuas, that gives 24 sets of yap-dog teeth.
Too much for even a BBQ sauce crazed beast to handle. Wow! All those
years of engineering calculus certianly paid off for me this time.
One thing you have to remember about chihuahuas (and all yap-dogs for
that matter) is that they are mean. They are pissed at life in general
for being so small, and need a destructive outlet for their pent-up
rage. A good example of this is the only famous chihuahua I can think
of, Ren from Ren & Stimpy. He is evil and mean, with his temper flaring up
regularly at the kind-hearted Stimpy. Now imagine 24 of these critters,
thinking only of tacos. I liken this to frenzied pirhanas attacking a
helpless foe. Sure, some of them will die. But in the end, the
rottweiler will fall. I place 22.5M pesos and a bottle of tequila on the
BRIAN: What?!! True, the chihuahuas have numbers and home court
advantadge, but those won't be nearly enough. Those little rug rats
won't even be able to break the skin on that big dog! That rottweiler is
100+ pounds of yip-dog smashing muscle! Have you ever seen a REAL
chihuahua, Steve? What are they good for? All they ever do is shake and
pee on themselves. This is like saying 24 flies are a match for a
bullfrog. No way. No matter how many there are, they can't do any
damage to that canine beast. Snack time.
For just a moment I will give you the benefit of the doubt. Let's say
the chihuahuas are so crazed by the 30 days of confinement/torture that
they are actually worth something. At the start of the match, the
rottweiler mauls 5 of them. The sixth one breaks through and clamps down
on the beast's back. While not breaking the skin, he does manage to taste
the taco sauce, at which point he says "This taco sauce is terrible" (and
then gets mauled). Another chihuahua picks up the taco sauce bottle and
says "Hey! This stuff is made in New York City!" (and then gets
mauled). All the other chihuahuas yell "New York City?" and proceed to
attack the pit boss. The rottweiler wins by default as the 17 remaining
chihuahuas yip out of the ring.
I'm putting 250M pesos and a six pack of corona on the BIG DAWG!!
STEVE: Unfortunately, I have seen chihuahuas up close, and I can
enlighten you on two factors. First, I agree that their teeth have no
flesh-tearing power, but their teeth are in fact a mouthful of sharp
needles. They are certianly capable of breaking the skin and causing
puncture wounds. A little known fact is that after being bitten
repeatedly by a chihuahua, Dr. Julio Hernandez was inspired to build the
world's first -- you guessed it -- hypodermic needle. Unfortunately,
shortly after building his creation, he died from Rabies obtained from the
chihuahua. His untimely death kept the discovery out of medical circles
for 50 years. Then, in 1905, Dr. Bob M. Hypodermic rediscovered it after
reading through Dr. Hernandez's records. Dr. Hypodermic stole the idea
and selfishly named it after himself. But I digress.
Second, if you examine the evolutionary tree, you will see that chihuahuas
and rats are in fact the same animal. Now, Brian, I ask you: If it were
twenty starving rats instead of chihuahuas, wouldn't you reconsider your
BRIAN: WHAATTT??!! Are you so outmatched in this battle of wits,
Steve, that you have to make up history? Dr. Hypodermic??!! Oh, yeah,
and in 1876 Wolfgang Rottweiler sinlehandly disarmed the Prussian army.
Face it, Steve, there's no way the chihuahuas pull this off. A
rottweiler's weight in wolverines, yes. A rottweiler's weight in fire
ants, probably. Maybe even a rottweiler's weight in chinchillas, but
I'm willing to bank the entire Mexican economy or lunch at Taco Bell
(whatever is worth more) on this one.
Thanks to Toshi Mogi and Scott Clingmann for this idea.
No animals were caged, thumped, mauled, wagered on, or covered in
condiments in the making of this web page.
The Rottweiler (258)
His weight in Chihuahuas (250)
THIS JUST IN!: Shocking new
evidence which shows the chihuahuas may be tough enough to actually
win this match. Thanks to Craig R. Meyer for forwarding us this crucial
and eye-opening information. (NOTE: Video very large, approximately 1 meg.)
(NOTE #2: There are probably plenty of video files showing rottweilers
eating children, other dogs, small cars, etc. But it's still a funny
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Tell a friend about this match
You've finally managed to go beyond my idea of good taste.
The problem of dogs fighting to the death is still very real. I don't consider
it appropriate material for the WWWF.
Where was this guy during Dahmer v. Lector? - Ed.
Dogfighting is disgusting and reprehensible(there I just wanted to see if
I could spell r..)
The rottwieler would pound the little yap dogs, rotts are smarter than
you think, and unfortunately often meaner, they often will spin and use
thier paws in combat, chihuaha mostly bark. I forsee a one sided
bloodbath, after which the world will be a little better place.
Now. A rottwieler owner, V.S, his/her weight in chih. owners. That might
It's obvious that the rottweiler is going to win. First, Chiuahuas are
the scroniest beasts on the earth, and on top of that they have no will
to fight. Secondly, when you squeeze, kick or touch a chiuahua their
eyes pop out. So, the rottweiler will just have to touch each one once
and the wimpy chiuahuas eyes are dragging in the dirt. This totally
incompacitates them leaving the rottweiler with a good meal.
I feel you are going to end this fight with only one dog and that's the
rottweiler. The wimps will be digesting in it's stomache.
Its got to be the Rottweiler. I seriously doubt that even rabid
chihuahuas could be capable of anything more than an annoying bark. It
is that annoying bark which will be there downfall. Soon after the gates
are opened all the chihuahuas will come out, eyes bulging, and YAP. Not
bite, but YAP, on and on, over and over until the insanely annoyed
Rottweiler goes on a crazed, blood-filled rampage devoring their A-1
bodies in approximately 20 seconds.
- R. Lee
As a pet expert, I have worked in the pet industry for the last 3 years,
I go with the rottweiller. I have never met a Chihuahua that was aware
of its surroundings let alone tough enough to take out a rotty. Even a
starving savage chihuahua is shaking in fear too hard to even crunch a
chunk of dog kibble. You have to think of it this way, would YOU rather
fight a raging rott or 24 physically challenged chihuahuas? They really
can't help it, they were originally bred to feed the starving populations
of the many third world countries. But a kind hearted biologist in 1967
took pity on these taco fillers and set them free. His name was in fact
Hortence Chihuahua. I think, knowing their history and original purpose,
I'd be pretty damned scared too!
- RACHAEL AND JIM
I guess if Steve can make up history, so can our viewers - Brian
Taking nothing away from the Rottweiler, the Chihuahuas will win every
time. Here is a play by play of the event:
The Chihuahua's draw straws to decided who "The Chosen One" is. When the
battle starts the two strongest of the Chihuahuas throw "The Chosen One"
into the mouth of the Rottweiler. Unfortunately for the Rottweiler
(let's call him George) he was cheated in the evolutionary process. Upon
bitting down on "The Chosen One" his jaw locks.
At this point it gets ugly. Using techniques inspired by Gracy Ju-Jitsu,
the two quickest Chihuahuas trip George to the ground and rub thier backs
on his nose. The A-1 sauce blocks the nasal passage. George blacks out
seconds later, the life giving oxygen you and I take for granted impeded
from it's natural access to the lungs, the blood stream, and eventually
the brain. George dies second later.
Using this system it is actually possible for as little as five
Chihuahuas to take out one Rottweiler.
- John K. Lewis
Sheer brute anger. The chihuahuas will turn into a blinding
storm of BBQ-covered fur, a flurry of rat-sized death. Sure,
the rottweiler might take out a couple. But the canine pirahnas
will skeletonize him before he can take enough of them out. In
my home version, I simulated this with a brick and a bunch of
gasoline-soaked Legos. Sure, the brick crushed a lot of Legos,
but in the end, the little guys (who I could put together to
make more interesting sculptures that blow up) still won (at
least before someone took them away.) But you get the point.
- Jack Dracula
The Chihuahuas would win because they would get excited, and therefore
as mentioned earlier, begin to pee. As we know Chihuahuas are very
prolific in this area. If each one pee's 100 milliliters, then the
total pee comes to 10,000 milliliters or 10 liters (approx 2.5 gallons).
I'm sorry but the Rotweiler has drowned.......
- Robert Hamilton
I must begin by saying is the sickest match you guys have come up with
so far. But funny, yes, funny.
I'll have to go with the Rottweiller, since those little Mexican dogs
no matter how much they are conditioned will just shiver and shit,
albeit with a bad attitude. Let's face it, the Rott will just chow down
on those puppies like popcorn (though he probably won't eat his own
weight in chihauhaw, whatever they're called).
After a scintillating conversation over the essays of Sir Francis Bacon, my
wife and I decided to access WWWF because you never can get enough of a good
thing. Anyway, the mortgage AND a six of any cerveza you can name is going
on the yippers. Why? The logic is quite simple, yet persuasive. While
little lap dogs are indeed nervous and irritating, they are also quite
intelligent. Given these characteristics, it is apparent that while 23 of
the yippers are circling the Teutonic dog, one particularly bold bandito will
dive between the larger dog's front legs (with a toreador-like flourish) and
make a beeline towards said dog's gonads. The larger dog, powerless to stop
the Apache-like attack from the remainder, is so distracted that he can't
stop the chihuahua from approaching his nether regions. Once those tiny jaws
lock on the family jewels, the rottweiler is powerless. It is also a little
known fact that one of the favorite dishes of the chihuahua is German
Mountain Oysters. As the chihuahuas are famished, the sight of their
favorite dish temptingly swaying in the breeze will overcome any reluctance
they may have to dive in. The lead chihuahua starts hollering: "Hey Jorge!
Hey Carolos! Come on mi amigos! Huevos Rottweiler smothered with Salsa Del
Taco!" The rottweiler, now doodad-less, has no choice but to flee. VIVA LOS
The rottweiler would demolish the chihuahuas because he doesn't want to look
bad in front of his woman.
I figure it comes down to two things: surface area of the
rottweiler's mouth (as opposed to the s.a. of the individual dog-rat's
mouth) and gastrointestinal fortitude.
If a Rottweiler has a mouth that is, oh, say six inches by 2.5 inches
(I am doing the math slowly for you science boys and rounding to the
nearest half-inch, of course), that means that the rottweiler has 15
square inches of mouth surface. I'd say that with that kind of coverage,
every time the rottweiler makes contact with a small chihuahua body or
head (as opposed to grabbing a leg), he inflicts a mortal injury, if not
an immediately killing blow. Meanwhile, your average
rat-in-dog's-clothing has about, oh, say 2 square inches of mouth area,
which means it can't even encompass one bulging rottweiler muscle in its
wee yapper. So the rat-dogs are not even breaking the skin, but the
rottweiler just has to stay angry enough to take about twelve
bites--okay, allow about five or six extra bites for the rat-dogs he only
gets by a leg the first time. He'll have to go back and take a second
chomp once the maimed chihuahuas are down and helpless.
Will the rat-dogs take this lying down? Only if the rottweiler just
grabs their legs on the first bite. But they *will* go for that taco
sauce. But everyone knows that chihuahuas have tender stomachs and get
sick at the drop of a hat. Even if a chihuahua gets a mouthful of taco
sauce, what's the use? It will just get sick all over the Mexican carpet,
thereby inducing all its little rat-dog buddies to begin woofing (pardon
the pun) all over the carpet too. Soon the rottweiler will have
chihuahiuas *and* dessert.....
- JM Massi
Chihuahuas are the little denizens of satan himself, the pack of land
bound pirhannas are sure to tear into the Rottweiler before he even
realizes what the cloud of dust was coming toward him. But the
rotweiler will die a happy dog with the taste of A-1 running with his
- Tabb Sullivan
Once again I must lower my intellectual standards and enter this discussion.
It is my duty as I see it. I don't know if you know the difference between a
shark and a rottweiler but one is a mean, roaming killing machine and the
other is a fish. While it is true that a yap-dog and a rat are the same
animal, this only lends credence to the proposition that the rottweiler will
kill 20-30 of the little rats in about time dt, as we engineers say.
"Ratting" used to be a sport in 19th century England (See Michael Crighten's
"The Great Train Robbery" for a full discussion. In this "sport", a bulldog
was pitted against really mean rats and could easily kill 20 in less than two
minutes. Granted, a chihuahua is meaner and nastier than a rat but a
rottweiler in really meaner and nastier than a pit-bull. The only real
question is whether the audience will get out alive once the rottweiler
realizes he's been tricked and there was nothing to take all his pent up
aggression out on.
- Ken Ackley
I have one simple arguement. Have you ever heard of a Chihuahua attack on
anybody? No, that's because they are evil, and clever enough to make sure there
are no witnesses and no evidence. They're small ferocius animals, while
rottweiler's are just plain stupid!
One of the things I remember from my physics classes is that size doesn't
always matter, but rather surface area is the key. Now 24 yip-dog mouths full
of small razor sharp teeth are going to overwhelm one Rottweiller's mouth full
of teeth by sheer virtue of surface area. The more bites the more the
Rottweiller wins. Besides, at least one of the Chihuahuas will piss on itself
in fear, making himself unsavory and therefore he will live as the Rottweiller
bleeds to death. End of story.
The key concept here in favor of the Rottweiler is: unit cohesion.
No matter how hungry the cute little beasts may be, it would be a miracle to
get the putative 24 Chihuahuas to surround the Rottweiler and make coordinated
attacks from the ground. The Big Dog also has air superiority, a big advantage
Of course, given really bad unit moral, there is nothing to stop the Little
Dogs from turning on each other like executive VPs in an IRS audit,
feasting on each other while the Rottweiler picks them off one-by-one.
- TTFN, Chris
Let's look at the numbers here: your average male Rottweiler weighs in at
about 110-120lbs; the average Chihuahua weighs about 3lbs (4 if it's fat).
Steve, I want to know where you found a 5lbs Chihuahua, it must have been
a swamp rat in a Chihuahua haloween costume. The only way a Chihuahua can
weigh 5lbs is if you have it on a special Ben Johnson steroid program.
Sorry, the yip-dogs weigh in at 3lbs. That means you have 40 Chihuahuas
against the one mighty Rottweiler. Even pressed into a Rottweiler mold,
the Chihuahuas would make for a smaller (albeit denser) package.
Rottweilers are usually highly-trained animals that will only attack when
given the command to do so. Our competing Rottie will have been given the
proper signal and will be itching to tear the yippers to shreds.
Chihuahuas, on the other hand, are evil incarnate in the form of a rat
disguised as a dog. Chihuahuas have also been publicly ridiculed by Les
Nessman who mispronounced their name as Chi-hoo-a-hoo-a; our 40 miniature
combatants want nothing more than to rip through the Rottweiler to get to
that nerdy news guy. Since the Chihuahuas will have an ultimate goal, they
will use their cunning to defeat the Rottweiler. Ren, the leader, will
have collected enough of Stimpy's hairballs to knit 10 red sweaters for
the "lead" Chihuahuas (aka ensign Chihuahua). The expendable Chihuahuas
will keep the Rottweiler busy for at least 30 seconds which is all the
time Commander Ren and his sidekick "Bones" (the skinny Chihuahua) need to
sneak up behind the Rottweiler and administer a "Mexican Tracheotomy" (a
distant relative to the "Colombian Necktie"). All 10 ensign Chihuahuas
will have been killed but no more yip-lives will be lost. The mighty
Rottweiler will have been felled by a lesser being like so many Klingons
As the lifeblood and precious air escape from the hole in the Rottweiler's
throat, Commander Ren looks down on his victim and says: "You eeeeediot!
You are...nothing more than...a bloated sack of...canine protoplasm. You
are unworthy of...challenging...my colleagues and...I." Later that same
day, Les Nessman is found dead, an apparent victim of a freak moped
accident. When questioned by the police, all 20 remaining Chihuahuas had
the same thing to say: "Nessman? We don't know no esteeenking Nessman..."
What the hell kind of election is it when the ballot box can't be stuffed?
I bet you people are the progeny/spawn of Republicans who still think that
Mayor Daley (the REAL Mayor Daley not the kid) stole the 1960 presidential
election from tricky dick. That was sour grapes: everyone knows that the
republicans were upset becasue they didn't stuff as many downstate ballot
boxes as "The Machine" did in Chicago.
- Paul J. Galanti
Hey, I don't really have any funny comments regarding the
match, I just wanted to say that I was having a lousy day at
work (my full-time job seems to be reinstalling Windows 95 on
my PC...) UNTIL I read the latest Match. Thanks for letting me
finish my day in tears of joy vs. frustration...
Please keep up the good work.
I had to go with the rottweiler on this one just because I equate the
power of chihuahuas in packs to that of small children climbing over
fenced in areas where the rabid beasts sit awaiting their prey. Have you
ever heard of a child having to be destroyed because it bit a
rottweiler? Of course not. That is because it never gets the chance. The
rottweiler is fierce, aggressive and dangerous. The child is mauled
before it ever gets the chance. The chihauhau is much like a child. It
is small, defenseless and is annoying as hell. The chihuahua is just the
provider of the meat products for the good people at the many Taco Bell
restaurants in this great country, the rottweiler is a killer and a hero
to us all.
I have a Jack Russel Terrier, so I support the terminator-ness of small
- Early Stephens
I choose the BIG DOG. While I think that the little yip-dogs are
undoubtedly nasty and have sharp teeth, this all goes back to a favorite
factor in past Grudge matches - Godzilla. Let me explain...
You see, those Japanese soldiers were tough, persistent, inventive
and dangerous, just like our friends the chihuahuas. Unfortunately, no
matter what they did, they were destined to be stomped (in the end) by
Godzilla. (In every movie except the first--we'll ignore that.) Whatever
inventive and desperate plans they hatched always seemed on the verge of
succeeding -- then boom, Tokyo was down for the count again, and Godzilla
was swimming away into the sunset.
So, just as it seems like the Rottweiler is down for the count, it
will rise up with RAGE in its eyes (of course, the RAGE edge to the
swallow the Chihuahuas like so many liv-a-snaps. Then, just for good
measure, it will proceed to attack all of the spectators (just like
Godzilla!) At the end, the Rottweiler will swim off in victory! (just like
While this may seem far-fetched, you could always stage this one
It is a little known fact that the chihuahas many moons ago, back in
of the Incas, were highly feared. They were basically LAND PIRAHNAS,
the country side in gigantic packs that would raise up a tremendous
dust, often obscuring the sun.
Chihuahas still remember those glory days of yesteryear, and
that is why
are collectively pissed. Memories, misty water-colored memories of the
they were, drive those furry little balls of attitude to shred that
in 2.2 seconds.
End of story.
If you liked this match, check out these other past
Tarzan v. Aquaman
Flipper v. Jaws
Midgets v. Centenarians
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