For those clamoring for more...
Tournament of Champions V Responses, Da Sequel™

Hrm...I think we can pretty safely say the Tick will win, simply because my Dark Master (tm) told me so. However, I will now do a Logical (tm) Fight Analysis (tm) on the combatants involved. THEY'RE ALL HAS-BEENS!!!!!!!!!!! What? Expand on that? Oh, fine.

Darth Maul: Stop whining, ya stinkin fanboys. He's dead; D-E-A-D. (tm) In terms of fighting prowess, his Mind Tricks will be ineffectual on the vacuum between the Tick's ear-thingies. The lightsaber will be similarly useless against Tick's nigh-invulnerable hide. His acrobatic prowess might pose a problem to the Tick, but eventually he'll be caught and reduced to a pool of red goo. With bad hygiene.

Yoda: OK, he's not dead. However, while he will be in the next 2 prequels (probably) (tm) he won't be doing much. He's too much of a goody-two-shoes to use the power of the Dark Side (tm-Microsoft) on the Tick. See Darth Maul above for similar comments (tm).

Blues Brothers: Admittedly, they WERE on a mission from God. However, viewing the utter box-office collapse of Blues Brothers 2000, He has abandoned them. They get squashed beneath the Tick's Mighty blue fist. (tm)

Batman: Joel Schumacher ruined the movie franchise, and the WB (tm of my Dark Master) has stomped the cartoon version under it's jack- booted heel. I spit on him. ::ptui!:: All the Bat-Gadgets (tm) in the world won't help the Dark Knight when he meets a REAL superhero.

Q: If he was alive and allowed to bring some of his gadgets, he might stand a chance. Unfortunately, his current situation allows for neither possibility. Little Wooden Boy could layeth the Smacking of Downs (tm) on his rotting arse.

Dilbert: The cartoon version collapsed, abandoned by UPN. Remember them? They made a pact with my Dark Master's (tm) Arch-Rival (tm) Nyarlathotep, and they STILL can't get a 2% market share. I spit on them twice! ::ptui! ptui!:: The Dilbert Comic-Strip may still be powerful, but without Dilbert's gadgets, the Tick will squash the queer-tied potato-shaped engineer.

Duke Nukem: His games are collapsing. He has been reduced to scraping the bottom of the gaming barrel, with games like "Planet of the Babes." (tm) While certainly amusing, his quips, fading fan following (alliteration-tm), and arsenal all together won't scratch the Tick's nigh-invulnerable hide.

The Tick: Why do I think he'll win? Well, putting aside the Tick's nigh-invulnerability, 747-lifting-strength, and the fact that he can easily reassemble the Awesome Power (tm) of Little Wooden Boy (tm) with local materials, the Tick is the only combatant who has a new live-action series coming out soon. Yeah, you heard me. If Tick loses this, he might get his series cancelled. His Rage (tm) and Iron Will (tm) give him this match, once again. The Tick takes it with Ease. (tm) Oh, and guys? If this doesn't get printed, I'm gonna have to summon Cthulu on your sorry hides.

- Yet Another Acolyte of Cthulu

Well, Q, Batman, and Dilbert all depend on gadgets; stuck on a deserted island, that ability becomes useless. Darth Maul and Yoda are basically matter and antimatter; both will combine explosively, resulting in the destruction of both. This leaves the Blues Brothers, the Tick, and Duke Nukem. Duke Nukem won't have the firepower to do anything but tickle the Tick, and the Blues Brothers have survived worse from Carrie Fisher without breaking stride, so he'll leave in a sulk. Since the Blues Brothers obviously worship all things blues, and the Tick is the biggest blue thing around, obviously in the end we are left with the Tick triumphant (assuming he realizes it).

- "Mad Dog" Mike

All I know is, if this means we have to see Yoda naked, I'm poking my eyes out and moving to Canada.

- Vermin Boy (Why, oh, why couldn't Lara Croft have won?!)

I'm betting that the unpopular idiot asshole will win this episode of Survivor, just as in the real one, so I'm voting for Duke Nukem.

- My name is Kenny

Ok Let's look at our contestants The Blues Brothers: Great pair but only succeed if they're in a car and on a mission from God. They're out.

Q: Makes cool gadgets and stuff for 007. TOO BAD IT'S IN A LAB! Bye bye Q.

Duke Nukem: His one item? A gun. Good for hunting but after he realizes there is all guys (more or less) left, he'll leave due to the lack of babes.

Dilbert: Can't survive too long outside of his cubicle. That and Dogbert isn't there.

The Tick: Sensed that Darth Maul was evil. That night he challenged Maul. CBS(tm) sends Tick home in two coffins.

Darth Maul: Voted off for commiting Murder. (See above) ( Yes I know I'm risking death by the Dark Side Jihad (there is no Jihad))

Batman: Violated rules. Was told he was allowed to bring one item. He brought his utility belt. While he isn't the Adam West Batman, he still has LOTS of items.

Which leaves our winner:

YODA: Let's face it he's survived for 900 years and some of that was hiding on Dagobah in a SWAMP. Much worse than some Resort/Deserted Island.

Mow I must go into hiding because the Dark Side Jihad (TM) (There is no Jihad) is probably REALLY pissed at me.


Well, first of all, I never thought that Yoda would have much of a chance in a Survivor game, because he's so much of a crotchety old a- hole he'd get voted off the first hour on the island. But based on current vote totals, it looks like he's going to win, proving once again that in Grudge-land, there's nothing stronger than The Star Wars Jihad ™ (this is not the Jihad you're looking for).

Anyways, I did a little research on this La Isla Bonita place where the survivors will be dropped, and let me tell you, it sounds like hell on earth! To wit:

Tropical the island breeze (Fine)
All of nature wild and free (The entire animal kingdom, wild with rage and roaming around without restraint)
And when the samba played, the sun would rise so high (Giant fluctuations in temperature, possible lows of absolute zero?)
ring through my ears and sting my eyes (optically and sonically dangerous)

Clearly, only those possessing the strongest constitutions can expect to live for more than a few minutes after setting foot in this earth- bound circle of hell. Only the Tick, with his nigh-invulnerability, will survive to the first tribal council meeting, where he will remain waiting for the others until he starves. ("I wonder where everybody is? Hey, look - Jeff Probst-goo! Neat-o!")

- Thinkmaster General

Being this is a Survivor, there can only be one way to breakdown this match......

Outwit-Q. He has made all the Bond gadgets that kept him from dying in all those suicidal missions, you have to be smart to keep Bond alive.

Outplay-Yoda. Come on, those Invincibility Challenges would be a piece of cake for Yoda... he's fairly smart, and a powerful Jedi Master.

Outlast-"When 900 years old you reach, look as good you will not, hmm!?" Put as only Yoda can put it.

Y-O-D-A Yoda
yo yo yo yo Yooooooooooda
"Weird Al"

- Ne0 Rat

All right, folks. This is it. The Big One. Well, enough hype. Down to the Killin™'! The first two to go are the Tick and Dilbert. A prime example in brawn over brains, Tick, thinking Dilbert is actually Arthur without his moth suit, accidentally crushes him in a bear hug while shouting "Greetings, chum!" Tick will then try to drown himself in despair (and the ocean), but will get over it and leap back to the City. \

Next on the chopping block - Darth Maul and Yoda. Since Yoda was not only Cheif High Muckamuck™ of all lightside Jedi, but survived Jedicide and both trilogies, and Darth Maul was just a hotheaded apprentice with five lines and half an hour of prancing about, one can assume who the Force is stronger with. Yoda's work being done, he will be picked up by a passing star cruiser with Samuel L. Jackson riding shotgun ("Know you what a Quarter Pounder they call on Coruscant?")

Round Three: The guerre of the gadget gurus, Q and Batman. While Batman does have the Bottomless Pockets Syndrome™ (the innate ability of many an action hero/ine to pull anything out of his/her pockets) associated with his belt, Q has no need for this disease, as anything he has on his person is either explosive, or flamethrowing, or poison tipped, or self-cleansing, or nuclear, or whatever. Round Three ends with Q flying off over the scorched carcass of the Dark Knight in the ultralight that converted from his pants.

This leaves us with the final bout, Duke Nukem vs. The Blues Brothers, which can be solved by simple arimetical process: Amount of Police Force used to subdue the Blues Brothers = 9 umptijillion bullets, guns, and billy clubs = aliens Duke slaughtered While the foes seem to be matched easily at first, there is one factor that is key here: Musical Talent. Unless VH1's Save the Music has lied to me, musical talent can help make you smarter and have a better life. The Blues Brothers singlehandedly brought back the blues during the Disco Era. Duke? One monotone karaoke version of "Born to Be Wild". After God scorches the poster boy for the Hitler youth for trying to delay his disciples, the Blues Brothers fly off the island in a pirated Blackbird (Okay, it's 10,000 miles to Hawaii, we got a full tank of jet fuel, half a pack of cigarettes, it's a tropical summer, and we're wearing black wool suits." "Hit it."")

- Tracer Malone

Once there was a being named Yoda, aside from looking like a toada, he enjoyed drinkin his soda, He left his home with more then luck in hope of makin an easy buck knowing being stuck on an island would suck with him were brothers, who sang the blues and a rather large man dressed in blue, and then some guy named Q, Duke had a gun The Bat had fun Dilbert had none And in the end The Tick was scratched Duke was nuked The Bat was beat Bert was burnt Q just blew The brothers were smothered and Maul was mawled And the winner of all he stood three foot tall His Saber still hot his mind deep in thought all he said was this "The Survivor am I, yes"

- Darth's Mall

A little deduction will show there is a clear winner here. Despite the name, _Survivor_ is about politics. The struggle to survive is just a flashy show - the real struggle, the one that gets you the big bucks, is the political one that gets the competion voted off the island. Sure eating bugs is gross, but it's not really dangerous, and game shows have not been allowed to actually kill contestants since the Let's_make_a_Gun_Control_Deal_With_the_NRA Act of '63. So the real question is: Who's the master politician in this crowd? The chief weasel? The master of mudslinging? The Last of the Politicans? Machiavelli's minion? The ... you get the idea. Now let's look at the political aptitude of the contestants, shall we?

The Blues Brothers, The Tick, and Dilbert are all too fundamentally clueless to have a chance in the political arena. They are the first to go. Duke Nukem and Darth Maul are both badasses, but neither of them is especially subtle. Their superior weapons are no match for a politican's twisty intellect. They're not a real threat. That leaves Q, Michael Keaton's Batman, and Yoda. Yoda is smart, savvy, can read emotions, and has hundreds of years of experience dealing with the intrigues of the Jedi council. (Not to mention he probably *likes* eating bugs.) However, his track record is his undoing: Yoda lost the political battle to Palpatine, dooming the galaxy to a generation of Jack-Booted Depostism. He might have chosen to learn from his mistake, but instead of getting back on the horse he exiled himself to a mudball and ate bugs. This gives him an edge in surviving, but unfortunately, the show isn't actually about that. He just doesn't have that political *oomph* anymore. The muppet goes down.

That leaves Q vs. Michael Keaton's Batman. Who's the better schemer? Well, Batman generally falls for hare-brained plans concocted by mental-hospital escapees, surviving only due to his unbelievable reflexes, impossible gadgets, and ridiculous luck. His main mental edge is the "Bat-Computer," which was built sometime before I was born. If 25+ year old computer hardware is your mental advantage, you ain't a competitor. Hell, you aren't even a burger-flipper at McGoofy's. This leaves Q as the default victor, since no one else is really prepared for a political showdown. However, even if there was real competition left (the rats, for example, are almost career politicians), Q would win in the end. Remember that Q is a veteran of British civil service office politics, a vile hive of scum and villany that makes a bar full of psychotic muppets look like a Furby convention. Even more useful is his clearly supernatural precognitive ability, the one that allows him to know that Bond will need a cigarette box full of disguised Preparation-Nitro-H on his next escapade. Clearly, he won't fail to prepare *himself* for a dangerous mission. Cowed by the awesome power of explosive suppositories, the others have no choice but to make Q the victor.

- martinl

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, A tale of this giant boat,
That sarted on this website somewhere, And asked some idiots to vote.
Some Idiots to Vote!

8 contenders were lined up that day, They came once they'd all agreed,
The commentary for this match, Would need a three hour read,
A Three Hour Read!

A huge crate of porno was found, The fighters were tossed overboard for room,
They all took aim right at the boat, and in 15 seconds it went boom.
In 15 Seconds it went Boom!

They all were found on the shore of this uncharted desert isle With Master Yoda,
(Porthole with his portrait, wearing Kosh-skin robes)
And Dilbert too,
(Ditto, only with a bloody pair of Drew Carey glasses hanging around his neck)
The Blues Brothers,
(Them standing by the Bluesmobile with obvious pictures of the Mach 5, General Lee, Dale Ernheart's NASCAR racer, the Thunderbird Convertable and Cannonball Run on the hood, all crossed out)
And Darth Maul,
(Him with Double Bladed Lightsaber and Connor MacLeod's head on his belt)
A Movie Star,
(Michael Keaton's Batman, with 3 bloody bat-masks stapled to his cape)
Duke Nukem, Q, and the Tick,
(Nukem is being massaged by his new love- slave, Nude Raider, Q wears a familair looking fedora and trenchcoat, and the Tick is using Spiderman's mask as a hand puppet)
Here on Grudge Match's big fight!

Sorry, I just felt like doing a song. Anyway, Yoda, Maul, Nukem and the Blues Brothers will be the last to be voted off. Batman Goes first because, just like on the real survivor, the one who gets everyting done is the first to go. Then Q because he's old and dead and the old guys were voted off first. Yoda isn't voted off thanks to the Jedi Mind Trick(TM). Dilbert is voted off for being a nerd, the Tick for accidentally sinking half of the island doing jumping jacks. Maul stays since everyone except Yoda is afraid to vote him off, the Blues Broters because they have some really cool music and Duke Nukem since everyone wants to keep Nude Raider around.

In the last show, in a hurry to get to the only toilet on the island, The Blues Brothers accidentally run down Duke Nukem, Freeing Lara who runs into the forest. Maul is overheard saying that he'll vote the Brother's off and walks off into the forest. He is found 2 hours later, hanging naked from a tree with L.C. carved in his chest and one blade of his lightsaber protruding from his butt. Yoda goes off to find the Wild Nude Raider, armed only with a pointed stick. He goes off into the forest when he hears a snap. He presses a button on his stick and it ignites into a very small lightsaber. Lara Emerges, still naked only now oiled up from somewhere, her pert round breasts heaving with her breath, her round butt tightened into one soft peach, her..ehrm, will you excuse me for a minute (goes to take a cold shower)

I'm fine now. Really. Anyway, she fires a beam from Duke's gun which Yoda reflects back at her. A stupid thing to do since she was firing the Giantizer. 2 weeks after leaving the Island with the Blues Brothers in the Bluesmobile (who knew that it could fly), Lara Croft notices a strange green stain on the bottom of her feet. The Brothers get the money and agree to give it to the Penguin if she'll stop hitting them with that damn ruler.(whack!) What the hell was that for?(Whack!) Aw, holy shit that hurts(Whack!)Aw Jesus! (Whack, whackity whack whack, WHACK WHACK!) This is gonna take one hell of a long time(WHACKWHACKWHACKWHACK...)

- We're on a mission from God.

Hey, first of all, thanks very much for the Bronze Medal last matchup. Really. That was way, way cool and made my day. And since y'all seem to like my stuff, and since I need a job[1], and since I live in the city where TheFunniest was created, you got my e-mail if you need a writer. Or gopher. Or somebody to monkey with the paper clips. Whatever.

[1] i.e. "...since I like money..."

Anyway, begging aside, on to "Survivor," the current match-up: All right -- first impressions? This isn't exactly a panel of all-around winners. With eight contestants, the best thing to do would be to weed out the weak from the strong. Let's start with Duke Nukem. How did THIS guy get in here?! Wouldn't a better contestant have been Lara Croft? This is a woman who's braved tropical jungles and other exotic locales, lugs around heavy artillery, lounges around in bikinis, etc. She'd feel right at home on a desert island. But since you chose Duke Nukem, Duke Nukem it is. On the plus side, his game _was_ the first to feature nekkid (cartoon animated) chicks. On the negative side, he hasn't had a video game release since, oh, Eddie Murphy was funny (e.g. a very long time). AND I have it from a reliable source online that the next game has been in development for so long, chances are, the company that makes Duke is going to go belly-up. And I trust this woman when it comes to video games. She knows her video games. She tops her ladder in Quake 2. She could beat YOUR little brother in online games. If she told me that I was the biggest, most useless piece of crap to crawl the Earth, and that I should give up gaming, I would say, "Okily dokily" and throw in the towel... Where was I? Oh yes. Let's eliminate Duke Nukem.

Blues Brothers. Okay, when I was in college, during the first week of each semester, these vendors would show up with all kinds of stuff. We had incense dealers, jewelry dealers, credit card companies, telephone companies. You get the idea. Anyway, the guy with the movie posters would show up with "Stuff That College Students Like"(TM). And you could ALWAYS count on a poster of the Blues Brothers. Let me tell you right now, this poster was still there at the end of the day when I walked by. As far as I know, that poster is still there, right next to the psychedelic "Whale Jumping Over Moon with Lady in White Dress Reflected in the Ocean" and the alien quipping "Take Us to Your Weed!" The Blues Brothers are one of those things in the American pop culture landscape (along with "Survivor") which confounds me. There are film fests, and albums, and T-shirts, but nobody--and I mean NOBODY--I know has ever once said, "Hey, you know the Blues Brothers? They're cool." So based on popularity alone (and as Homer so aptly put it, is there anything more important?), we can eliminate the Blues Brothers.

There's Q. At first, I thought you meant Star Trek's Q. Well, we have a problem here with this Q. He's dead. As for his replacement, the Monty Python guy, he's funny, but good god, did you see the last film? He pretty much just made an ass of himself. Sure, he didn't write the lines, he just said them, but isn't there a car commercial or PBS pledge drive somewhere where he could find work? Really now. Survey says, *BUZZ*.

The Tick. Okay, this is what passes for hipness in the community of comic book fans, the same fans who thought the "original Turtles rocked!" That aside, this year's hipness belongs to guys with even more screwed up views on life, guys like Peter Bagge and Dan Clowes. So...since I never liked him that much to begin with, the Tick is out. "Spoon!"

Michael Keaton's Batman. "Batman Returns." 'Nuff said. Dilbert. More suited to Silicon Valley, carrying a Palm Pilot and cell phone than a desert island. Your typical fish out of water. Nix 'im.

By process of elimination, that leaves Darth Maul and Yoda. Darth Maul -- looks good, not much good in a fight. (Getting cut in half and all.) Yoda. Lives in the swamp. Eats snake slime porridge. I'd say he makes the perfect Survivor contestant, wouldn't you? "Vote against me in Tribal Council, you will not! Hmmm? Hmph! Take home a million in dead benjamins, I will!"

- Hey Jude the Obscure

Week 1: The two tribes merge, and trouble begins to brew almost immediately. The Blues Brothers, who had only brought half a pack of smokes to the island, freak out a bit. Meanwhile, The Tick, who is still laboring under the impression that he is on a Tropical resort getaway, upsets Q by repeatedly ordering him to fetch a drink - "Something with one of those cool little umbrellas!". Yoda and Darth Maul dont get along very well; they spend most of the day arguing - "The immunity challenge you cannot win, Darth." At the end of the episode, however, it is indeed the Blues Brothers who get voted off. With the likes of Ackroyd and Belushi to support, the food supply began to dwindle, so the voting clique (everyone on the island except for Batman and Darth Maul), led by Dilbert (who is no stranger to Machiavellian politics, thanks to his office job) gives the Blues Boys the boot!

Week 2: Tensions continue to mount as Batman continues to win the immunity challenges. In fact, the challenges are the only times the other contestants even see Batman. The rest of the time, millionaire Bruce Wayne is seen with the others. Only Q suspects some kind of connection, and he confides in Duke Nukem, who is going stir crazy over the island's noticeable lack of guns and women - "That big blue guy looks kinda like an alien. How about if I frag him?" "No, we need his vote." Meanwhile, Yoda and Darth Maul have resorted to using the force in order to brainwash the others in an attempt to control their votes. The Tick and Duke Nukem are the only ones dim enough for that to work, so Yoda and Darth remain in a deadlock, with 2 votes apiece. But the remaining three votes are cast against Dilbert, as Q turns the tables on the wily manipulator

Week 3: A hurricane hits the island, so no hunting or fishing can done. The Tick makes an attempt anyway. With a valiant cry of "Spoon!!!", he heads into the eye of the hurricane and emerges with an old, beaten life jacket, which he insists that Q skin and cook at once. With everyone stuck inside, Bruce Wayne has no way to change into his batsuit, and so loses the immunity challenge to Duke Nukem, as the challenge was archery - "Not as fun as a freezethrower...but it'll do!". Yoda and Darth Maul are still brooding, but they direct their votes against Batman, whom they see as the bigger threat. The Tick accidentally votes for himself (he thought it was an election for condo President) and the remaining three votes are cast against Q, who, as it turns out, has a bladder control problem and no visible source of Depends (TM).

Week 4: Only five contestants left. Darth Maul makes an attempt on Yoda's life, only to be thwarted at the last minute by Batman. The Tick takes in the scene, thinking its part of the resort's tropical show. Duke Nukem also makes overtures about hunting down Yoda, but after Yoda levitates him over the island sewage pit, he rethinks his violent ways. Darth Maul wins the immunity challenge (bobbing for apples...a skill every Sith Lord needs), and so Yoda once again votes for Batman. Batman, having figured out what Yoda and Maul are up to, votes for Darth in return. Darth Maul votes for the Tick (The Tick had been asking Darth Maul to send up some more towels all week). The Tick votes for Duke Nukem ("Your violent ways are like woodpeckers of brutality on the olive branch of peace, my friend"). Duke Nukem casts the deciding vote in favor of Darth Maul, banishing him from the island. He doesn't go quietly, though, and disembowels the host before heading off.

Week 5: We're down to the Tick, Duke Nukem, Batman, and Yoda. The immunity challenge is really close, but Batman sneaks through. The Tick finally realizes the nature of the show that he's on, and hides under his bed, fearing what may happen - "Volcanoes, earthquakes, typhoons...we're just asking Mother Nature to give us a spanking!". Nukem, pleased with Darth Maul's banishment, goes on a tapioca hunt and finds the batsuit hidden behind a tree. He finally puts two and two together and realizes that Batman is none other than...Yoda! Naturally, Bruce Wayne does nothing to disabuse him of this notion, leaving Yoda spluttering in disbeleif - "A total moron you are!". The Tick, having been informed that this is in fact a game show, foregoes voting and tries to buy a vowel - "I hear E's are nice!" Figuring he's too much of a threat as Batman, Nukem votes for Yoda. Yoda, in retaliation, votes for Duke Nukem. And Bruce Wayne, fearing Nukem might stumble onto the truth, casts another vote for him, sending Duke on his way.

Week 6: Down to just the Tick, Yoda, and Batman. All three try to avoid each other as much as possible. Yoda, thinking he is in a prime position to win, tries to use a mind control to get the Tick to vote for Batman. But Batman just offers him "...a magic piece of tree bark" in exchange for his vote. Exit Yoda.

Final decision: It's now down to Batman and the Tick. The contestants voted off still havent pieced together the Batman/Bruce Wayne connection, in spite of the fact that The Tick is seen with both of them. The Tick, to his credit, tries to introduce the two of them - "You should meet this guy, Brucie. He's got the coolest cape!". The final vote is cast. The contestants already voted off the island all come to the conclusion that they can't possibly lose to someone as dim as the Tick. So, in a rout, the caped crusader takes home the win. The million dollars is just another ivory backscratcher to Bruce Wayne, but the The Grudge Bowl, a fine treasure, is donated to the Gotham City Museum. Until a week later, when it's stolen by the Penguin, whose latest crime spree has some kind of toilet theme.

- 1/2 Nelson

In following with true Survivor[TM] Tradition, the remaining 8 contestants will undergo various Challenges[TM] to see who wins Immunity[TM] and who leaves the island, either by getting Voted Off[TM] or returning to civilization in a Body Bag[TM].

Day 279 Challenge[TM]: Math Trivia. Solve 96 / 6 * 12 + 3. Commentary[TM]: Dilbert, Q, Yoda, and Batman all answer 195 at the same time. Because of this, they all win immunity. The Blues Brothers, Darth Maul, and Duke Nukem soon are able to figure the answer out, but The Tick is left there mumbling "duhhhh..... uhh..... five?" (Bzzzzzzttttt......) Winner: Dilbert, Q, Yoda, and Batman. Voted Off: The Tick.

Day 282 Challenge[TM]: Several Predators[TM] have landed on the island. Simply put, kill them before they kill you. Commentary[TM]: Dilbert and Q team up together to invent some cool gadgets to trap the Predators. Suddenly, the duo are ambushed by the bloodthirsty beings and Dilbert bolts for it. Q is not so lucky, he suffers a heart attack by the sudden ambush and falls to the ground. What happens next is too gruesome to describe. Meanwhile, Darth Maul and Batman are able to round up the Predators, allowing Duke Nukem to let loose with his shrink ray and stomp them all into oblivion. Winner: Duke Nukem.

Day 285 Challenge[TM]: The Great Britney Spears Hunt[TM]. Commentary[TM]: Duke Nukem, all pumped up for some shaggin' fun[TM] is able to intercept Britney Spears very easily. Unfortunately for him, his Hormones[TM] get the better of him ("Mmmmmm..... Shake it baby"), and instead of getting laid, he gets a knee in the sack (ouch). Ms. Spears manages to escape and stumbles into Dilbert. Thinking "gosh, he's really cute", she ALLOWS herself to be apprehended by Dilbert. Dilbert and Ms. Spears promptly "dissappear" for the next three days. Winner: Dilbert. Voted Off: Duke Nukem. Due to circumstances beyond his control, Dilbert was unable to attend the Tribal Council (lucky chump).

Day 288 Challenge[TM]: Dancing and Singing Competition. Commentary[TM]: Darth Maul executes a few acrobatic flips and jumps as part of his routine. Yoda does his own rendition of "Everyone's Free (To Use Sunscreen) - Jedi Version"[TM]. Dilbert is able to do some dance moves he learned during his "fling" with Ms. Spears while Batman does his Bat-Dance[TM]. The Blues Brothers are the last to take the stage and do their 80's moves. But the rest of the camp are not impressed by their "outdated" and "horrid" dancing techniques that they start to boo and hiss the duo. Just as they are about to bring the Dreaded Gong[TM], several remaining Kids of Springfield (those who remained to continue their "orgy of cannabalism[TM]"charge the stage. It appears that some of the Kids are fans of Britney Spears as they kidnap Elwood and Jake Blues. The Brothers are never seen again, much to the relief of the rest of the camp. Says Batman, who is crowned the eventual winner: "If this kept up, we'd have to vote OURSEVLES off this island." Winner: Batman

Day 291 Challenge[TM]: Scavenger Hunt, search for the missing bodies of Elwood and Jake Blues. Commentary[TM]: Batman begins to conduct a search for the missing Blues Brothers using his Bat-Scanner[TM] he brought with him. Unfortunately, just as he is about to pinpoint the location of the missing brothers, the screen on his Bat-Scanner[TM] goes blank and the following message appears, "This program has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down." "Dammit," Batman thinks, "I knew I should have updated to the newest version of Bat-Windows[TM] and Bat-Office[TM] before I came to this island!" Yoda, meanwhile, is able to use The Force[TM] to determine the location of the missing Blues Brothers, only to discover their skeletal remains instead. Winner: Yoda Voted Off: Batman

Day 294 Challenge[TM]: Lightsabre Fight. Commentary[TM]: Darth Maul activates his double-bladed Lightsabre, and Dilbert activates his own, created from parts from an unknown source. They duke it out, but it is clear that Maul has the upper hand. Just as he is about to decapitate Dilbert, his lightsabre goes dead. Darth Maul checks the power supply, only to discover that his Super-Duper-Extra-Power-Heavy-Duty-Plus[TM] Energizer[TM] Batteries have been replaced by Low Power, ordinary "Supervolt" Batteries. Dilbert then says "I borrowed a few parts from your lightsabre. Hope you didn't mind....." Darth Maul then goes on THE RAGE[TM] after discovering that he was beaten by an engineering geek. Yoda and Dilbert promptly dive for cover. Winner: Dilbert Voted Off: Both Yoda and Dilbert were unable to cast their vote, being to afraid to come out. Darth Maul, however, votes himself off the island, grabs Dilbert's Lightsabre, and lops his own head off.

Day 297 Challenge[TM]: Obstacle Course. Commentary[TM]: Given that Yoda is a short, pudgy man, he begins to seriously lag behind Dilbert, who is already off and running. But as Dilbert is about to approach the finish line, he is suddenly stopped by a man with a pointy haircut. Manager: "Dilbert, I need you to fix the cup holder on my Computer." Dilbert: "WHAT cup holder? And can this wait, I'm about to win a million dollars...." Manager: "The cup holder has an inscription marked '24X' on it" Dilbert: "That's your CD-ROM!!! And no, I can't fix it" Manager: "It also gives me a message calling me Bad and an Invalid" Dilbert: "That's only an ERROR MESSAGE!!!!......" and so on.... and so on..... By the time Dilbert is through, Yoda is only mere inches from the finish line. Dilbert tries to catch up, but he is too late. Winner: Yoda is voted the Final Survivor, but Dilbert wins the consolation prize, a night with Britney Spears. See? Not all winners get the girl in the end.... (lucky Chump)

- Tahna Los

Well, one thing's for sure...this sure as hell ain't no "Kumbaya"- singin' match. Now, I did a preliminary vote-check, and, sure enough, the Star Wars population has, once again, circumvented all reality, ganged up on us, and has further subjected everyone to the "Star Wars Superiority Complex"(tm). (Then again...reality has a place HERE??!! I'm inclined to SERIOUSLY doubt that).

Now, to begin with, this is a deserted island. Deserted islands usually mean no civilization, which usually means no technology, (unless you're the Professor, making cell phones out of coconuts...and I personally think that, because of that, the Professor is MacGyver...but I'll touch on that later), which means no instruments...which means that, as the Blues Brothers can't play to a crowd, much less talk about having "half a tank of gas", they won't be able to survive more than two seconds without going crazy in a double suicide fit. All it'd take on this island is a mention of both kinds of music...yep, that's right..."Country AND Western!" BLAM-BLAM! One...or, in this case, two...down.

The Tick: Easy Prey. After having to deal with a VERY annoying bug- man-creature, Q, in his Brit stuffiness, would have to bring out the "SprayPen-O-Instant-Tick-Killer". Owie. Coughing and gagging goes the Tick, into the ocean, to be floating with the seaweed.

Then, there's Duke...c'mon, you call him a "Champion"? For killing off Laura Croft? Someone who'd be, if she were a REAL woman, tripped up by her own milk-producers? C'mon! But, anyway, since, once again, this is PureFiction, we'll assume that all this is real history. With Laura being a computer-generated GoddessImage created by Dilbert, Duke's already got a very natural enemy in his midst. Little does he realize that Dilbert's brought along his fave toy...that of the DigitallyMasteredDukeDestroyer! One blast of this thing makes Duke's puny 9mm Berettas look like a spitball shooter...since that's all he's ever carrying in his Public Image shots. As the DigiBlast hits, Duke suddenly has a DigiHole in his DigiChest. That, my friends, makes a great big DigiOwie.

And Darth Maul thought his Supervolt batteries couldn't be recharged...p'shaw!!! As the freefloating electrons from Duke DeadDigiBody gravitate towards the DarkSideOfTheForce's BadassJackieChan(tm), his dual lightsaber suddenly springs to life. Well, since the Light and the Dark sides of the Force have basically sworn to kill each other, and can sense each others presence, (except for the time when the future damn EMPEROR stood in the middle of the entire Jedi Council and no one noticed!!!), Mr. Maul goes after the MasterMidget Yoda. Kicking and Force-throwing coconuts everywhere, he's looking a might-bit mean. Yoda, however, just stands there. "Merely trying, you are," says the Master. "Do, or do not. There is no try." With all the experience of 800 years of kicking the Dark Side's ASS, Yoda simply waves his cane and undoes the shoddy SuperGlue work that pasted his two halves together again by some back alley surgeon. "Hard to kick it is when one whole you do not have, hmmmm?" And with his evil little cackle that makes you wonder just WHICH side he REALLY belongs to, Maul is Mauled, SplitBodied once again.

"You know, old chap...and I do mean OLD chap," Q says with dry wit, (if you can call that wit), pulls out his arsenal of QToys and QTips, (sorry...I had to pull that one out of the BadQuipDictionary), Q makes Quick work on the Quaint little Quack. He hits Yoda in his weak point...his strings. Nope...even a Muppet can't survive unless his connection to the puppeteer is in existance. No strings, no Master.

So, now...we're down to Batman and Q. Q has his two kills under his belt on this island...but Batman has his killstuff under his belt, too. Recognizing this, Q pulls out all the stops...and grabs the QTazer, the QGun, and the QBazooka...all encased in separate pens, of course. One, Two, Three times in succession, all are fired at the seemingly hapless Batman. But, y'know...Batman's just too damn unstoppable. Shot? NOT! That armor stops bullets cold. Electrocted? NO WAY! That same armor's got some insular properties, too. Blown away? NOT A CHANCE! With a quick whip of some BatDevice from under his belt, Batman shoots a hook into a nearby tree, gets pulled upward, then once the bazooka round passes by his former position, drops back down onto the hapless Q's neck, snapping it like the weak-ass twig that it is.

After seeing this display, Dilbert figures enough is enough, pulls out a previously unseen TransporterLikeDevice, and zaps himself right back to CubicleLand. Batman's the Sole Survivor! Out of nowhere, the million dollars has arrived...compliments of Regis Philbin. "Batman, my friend...YOU...have proven that YOU want's to be...a MILLIONAIAH!!!" Already completely irritated by this loathesome man's voice, Batman pulls off his mask...*GASP!* It's Bruce Wayne! "You know something, Regis? I already AM a Millionaire!" Bruce then proceeds to slam Philbin against a tree trunk and give him a Matrix-style series of FasterThanTheEyeCanSeeBodyBlows(tm). Once done, he says something into a small mike... ...suddenly, the BatJet appears. Bruce takes his cool Mil, and flys off... ...only to call OnStar for directions, and crash ten minutes into his flight. After all...Dilbert's a HackerGenious with RAGE(tm). Who says you can't burn your bat and get revenge, too?

- TazmanianHawk, otherwise known as Taz

Deep on the Island a Alliance is formed, enrobed in the Shadows Batman, The Tick, Darth Maul and Q talk about their enemies...

Batman: Yoda, has to go, he sits on his ass all day and whenever you ask him to do work he tells you a F@#%ed up riddle and you end up doing his work.
Q: Or he bitches about how he is 900 years old and can't be bothered to do hard labour and that we are lucky to have him.
Tick: He is so cool, he has taught me so much I like him alot...Sorry what were we talking about?.
Maul: Soon we will reveal ourself to the Yoda, At last we will have revenge.
Batman: I can't take anymore of that Message from God crap, those stupid Blues Brothers have been doing nothing on the Island but sing, and frankly I am not the Musical type.
Q: I designed a Weapon we could use against the host and they took it and converted it to a Guitar. What about the time they won that challenge and got to jam with James Brown, that was horrendous.
Maul: Soon we will reveal ourselves to the Blues Brothers, soon we will have revenge.
Batman: What are you talking about? Look we invited you here to be an active part of the group not to repeat cliche'd lines!
Tick: I don't see any Blue on the Blues Brothers, I hate people who think that they are something their not. That's why I have gathered you here to lead you to glory.
Q:(whispering), I thought Batman gathered us, Tick just followed us into the woods, because he was practicing his shadow technique.
Batman: Let him have his 15 seconds of fame. What about Duke, he spends all his time threating people and saying "It's time to kick ass and chew bubble gum, and I'm all out of gum". The guy has seen one too many Schwarzenegger films.
Q: Whenever I am working he hangs around and asks how many Asses can be blown away with it. I hate him but I don't hate him as much as Dilbert, he spends all his time making plans and organizing group involvment activites. I am 80 bloody years old - I have people Skills, I just choose not to use them.
Tick: Dilbert is cool, I am seriously thinking about replacing Arthur with an undergrad with a degree in Managment. Dilbert says my approval rating would go through the roof and my books would be balanced. As for Duke, he's a little crusty round the edges but inside he is a teddy bear...A teddy bear who sleeps with 12 guns, but a teddy bear none the less.
Maul: At last we will reveal...(interrupted)
Batman: Stop saying that, I have had it, everytime you open your mouth it's at last blah blah blah.
Q: Batman, wait
Batman: No, everytime..Like yesterday Darth would you like some more rice, same answer. Or what about the time that Jake was bitten in the Left Testy by a Jelly Fish, I asked if the force could help but all I got was At last. Yoda eventually got off his green ass and used the force to heal him, and then he gave us the bill. If Dilbert Hadn't arranged a Finance Plan, we would be forever in debt.
Darth Maul breaks down in tears.. "You think it's easy to be a 1 dimensional Character with 3 lines in a legacy. I had to be in the Crappiest movie of the Holy Series. Even my name is dumb. I got killed and that attrocity Jar Jar gets to be in the next sequel. It's just not fair, It's just not Fair..
Batman: Well we have done enough plotting lets get back to camp.

Meanwhile at camp
"Yoda have you seen my toast?"
"Toast not, Do or do not there is not Toast"
"So you ate it?"
"900 years old am I, toast get you will not"
"That's it you little worm, time for Duke to Nuke your Jedi Ass"
"Come on, guys we can get through this...we are a team"
"Shut up Dilbert, you make me sick"
" Knowledgeable you are not"
"How you got a TV series is beyond me"

The QBATICKAL alliance Comes out of the bush and survey's the situtation
Batman: Everything alright?
Dilbert: Fine, couldn't be better

- Canadian Highlander

Ah, it seems that our Tournament of Champions has been taken over by Survivor (Half-wit, Half-assed, Half-baked). Since this is the grudge match, I suppose the mysterious corpse of Jeff Anal-Probst will be found impaled on a extinguished Tribal Torch ($11.99 suggested retail price). However the powers-that-be at the grudgematch have made a revealing mistake! By taking the chantings at the beginning of each episode (oy- cha- twa-chi-pa-toon-ag-gar-down-dooby-down-dooby-doo-down-down-comma- comma) converting it into super ASCII, adding "Essence of Vlad" finger- paints, then throwing it all in a blender, you get a photo of the final four Grudge Match Survivors (

The unusual grouping of Q, Batman, Dilbert, and Yoda suggests that Duke was voted off when it was revealed that he was the one who kept Lara Croft off the island, and that early favorite Darth Maul, mysteriously got his hands cut off in a bizarre dual-lightsaber competition (detail's are sketchy, If you recognize a man,wearing a red shirt, answering to the name of "Gilligan" Please contact 1-900- GMTOC-QZ, calls are $39.50 a minute.) Also, According to the cBS Early show ("Hey, we had a lady flash us on national TV. Watch, it might happen again!") the Blues Brother's dead bodies were found immediately after the anticipated "Beat Carson Daly To Death With Metal Chairs Reward Challenge." The Tick has been brought up on charges for this "accidental" tragedy.

It's not Survivor without alliances though, the grouping once again suggests that Q (after winning episode seven's "Viagra Challenge") created a "Nerd" alliance with Dilbert to stay in the game, as well as a un-dead alliance with Yoda, and the Blues Brothers. However it's down to the final four, and things don't look good for the "Did you actually pay attention to your teammates, although the audience didn't?" challenge. Yoda pulls it off with using the force to trick Jeff ("Answered correctly, I have just done") The two alliances that have been formed get "Lord Of the Flies" on Batman's ass, and out he goes. The fire-walking to the idol is next, and Dilbert takes it, easy. The living dead in general have a natural aversion to heat, and Dilbert is known to wear Asbestos lined socks and underwear. So all he has to do is touch the idol and *BAM* it's his.

Dilbert takes Alliance-mate Q, to the final tribal council, where usually the last 7 voted off the island would vote for the winner, Unfortunately 4 of the contestants are either in custody, dead (again), sans hands, or lost at sea. So it's down to Jeff Probst (you can tell it's a last resort), Duke, Batman, Yoda, 2 camera-persons, and by a clerical error, a chick with the calculator watch.

Duke: Although thinking is not a strong trait, he probably can remember it's computer nerd who created him, and computer nerds that can destroy him. Dilbert:1 Q:0
Yoda: Will probably keep with alliance-mate Q, a well as trying to eliminate Dilbert for eliminating him. Think of him as the "Rudy" of the TOC. Dilbert:1 Q:1
Batman: Sees Yoda, as the person who got him voted off. Wants to take out his aggression on alliance Q. Plus he has signed a contract with Dilbert for all sorts of new inventions. Also is a cartoon character Dilbert:2 Q:1
Jeff Probst: Realizes that since this is a Grudge Match, there is no way he can make it out alive. Even if he does, the only thing he has to look forward to in his career is Survivor II: Australian Outback ("This Time It's Personal"), then Survivor III: Des Moines, finally Survivor IV: The "Big Brother" version. After writing a quick will, he grabs a snuffed out torch, as impales himself. Dilbert:2 Q:1 "I leave everything to NBC":1
Camera Man 1: After stealing the corpse's wallet, he feels an obligation to Q for giving him the machine gun camera case that he was going to use on both Probst and the shows creator Mark Burnett ("You get a cushy office and tons of money, while I have to spend 40 days on a damn island! Your number is up Burnett") Dilbert:2 Q:2 Human Race: 2 (Burnett and Probst)
Camera Man 2: After stealing the corpse's Ferrari keys, he takes out his paper he was given, spits his gum into it and just leaves it at that. Dilbert: Q:2 Human Race: 2 Gum:1
So it all comes down to the chick with the calculator watch. Dilbert has been known to wear a calculator watch, so I'm guessing of the two she'll vote for Dilbert out of professional courtesy.

Final Score -- Dilbert:3, Q:2, Human Race: Survived, Gum: Gets Nike commercial. So Dilbert wins the Grudge Match Toilet Bowl, or at least he should, but the Star Wars Jihads of the world won't allow that, so hey.

- Peanuts"Thanks to,"Pat

Return to Tournament of Champions V

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