Tournament Of Champions IV Responses, The Sequel

Godzilla, King Arthur, MiB, Boba Fett, Spock, and even the mighty Death have all been ruthlessly mocked by the MST3K crew during their seven year tour-de-farce. With the combigned witticism of both Joel Robinson and Mike "the destroyer of worlds" Nelson, these six grudge veterans will quickly find themselves cowering in a corner, whimpering like a lone chihuahua about to become kibble for a rotweiler.

Unfortunately, the rapier-like wit of the Satellite of Love crew just won't have any effect on a bunch of drunken soccer hooligans, better known for their ability to bend steel girders with their heads than for their sense of humor. (unless you count cracking someone's spine as a sight gag)

I give Joel about a 50/50 chance of survival, provided he doesn't swing into his "Joey the Lemur" puppet routine, but Mike will invariably show up at the stadium dressed as a sailor, Jack Perkins, or Captain Janeway-- which is automatic grounds for a very serious beat down indeed...

- Troy "guvnor" Wood

What a match-up...never before have I seen such a Gorefest since Dan Quayle misspelled the word "Potato". But seeing as how this match is so freakin huge, we will have to make a cut to see who will go on.

Godzilla is the first to go...he has appeared in over 20 films, and has lost in almost all of them (Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla, Godzilla vs. Rhodan, and all those where he fights things more evil than him being the only exceptions). Wheres Gamara when you need him?

Spock just has to leave next. Because he is logical in all things, he will see no reason behind this senseless bloodshed, and will not bother to fight. With this crew, that would be the equivilant of grabbing your ankles and spelling "run" in long and prosper indeed.

The English!!! Need I say more? In WWI, they lost more soldiers in one battle than we lost in the whole war. Learn to pronounce "Aluminum" right and call me.

Finally, the Men in Black must die. Come on people, that movie REALLY BLEW! ID4 really blew, The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air really blew, the album blew...this man sucks more than a Hoover Dust-Devil (TM). And Tommy Lee Jones isn't exaclty in fighting condition, either...the man is obviously a leper, judging by the way his skin hangs off that face of his.

And so, at the end of the first round, we have MST3K, King Arthur, Death, and Boba Fett.

The 5th to die in this battle would have to be King Arthur and his Knights. For a Knight, death in battle is a very honorable thing...the Vikings believed that dying in bed was the greatest dishonor of all. Seeing their chance to go down like real men, they all throw themselves at Death's feet.

Next on the chopping block we have Boba Fett. Yes, I know he's cool...but is it really a He? Anybody who has read "Tales of the Bounty Hunters" read about how Fett was given a night alone with Leia, and HE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT! Obviously, Fett is a woman. Though the female of the species is invariably bigger and more deadly than the male, anyone who has ever seen "The Man Show" knows that men are superior to women in every concievable way. Ms. Fett should do less brain washing and more sock washing.

As the second round of combat comes to a close, we have two combatants left in this tournament of tournaments: Death and MST3K.

I'll just say it right off: MST3K will kick death in his bony ass. Sure, Death is the one thing every single person fears, but what is death to a robot? An upgrade, thats what! A new, stronger, faster, body. The only thing that can really kill a futuristic robot is magnets, and an addiction to jacking-on (as evidenced by Bender). Last time I checked, Death carries a scythe, not a horse shoe; and certainly not a pair of D-cells. While Mike may fall to his touch, the robots stay intact, and Tom Servo, Crow, Gypsy, and Cambot tear Death to pieces. Later on, they integrate him with some left over life support equipment left behind by Mike's demise and create Deathbot, who is completely devoid of humor and sarcasm, but everybody is afraid to do anything about. Deathbot wins.

- Brian C. Strock, esq.

(You'll hAve to excuse the "A"'s in this response becAuse my %^&£$ keyboArd is Acting up)

oh God! the horror!the humAnity!the deAd ensigns!AAAAAAAAAA! *WHAP*

ThAnks, I needed thAt.

Oh, DeAth will win. At the very leAst he'll get pAid extrA for the overtime. GodzillA won't win AnywAy. He might hAve hAd A chAnce if PAmelA wAs with him(Driver side AirbAgs!) But I sAw him in thAt old movie wih MechAgodzill And King SeesAr in it...GOD! THAT WAS SOOOOO CHEESY! oh wAit, they All Are... duh.

And Bob Fett? Why thAt teApot-for-A-helmet-hArd-to-find -Action-figure-being-pretend-to-be-gArbAge-rocket-pAck -weAring-eAten-by-A-sArlAcc-JAbbA-the-hutt-lAckey- MAndoloriAn-little-rope-thingy-on-Arm-bounty-hunting bAstArd! HE'S GOT PIZZA TOPPINGS ON HIS ARMOUR FOR CHRIST"S SAKE!

All other chArActers pAle beside DEATH! He beAt the IRS!They should submit just for the GOOD he hAs done! Just sAying his nAme feels good! DEATH! SAy it! DEATH! DEATHDEATHDEATH! Yup, he mAy be only skin & bones...sorry, just bones... But he will WIN!


Another good thing About DEATH is tht he took BArney! YAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY!

I hAte you,
You hAte me,
Let's gAng up on BArney,
With A dAgger to the heArt
And A kick to the heAd,
Joy to the world 'cAuse BArney's deAd


The first thing that will happen is that the Hooligans (tm) will split up and take on all the other guys. With each supgroup of Hooligans vastly outnumbering them, the other competitors will be forced to deal with only the Hooligans (who, it turns out, comprise the only jihad that actually exists!). So the question that must be asked is this: could each of the combatants take on the Army of Manchester United/God (tm)?

Arthur and Co.: No. These guys can't attack large, castlesque buildings without having livestock catapulted at them and/or getting arrested for murdering historians. As there is an abundance of monuments that vaguely resemble fortresses in DC, the Police(tm) arrest them for their part in the murder of Ricky Martin, albeit reluctantly, before the Hooligans come close.

MST3K: Huh-uh. Tom's arms don't work, so he couldn't do diddly. Crow would be ogling the interns, so he's out of the picture. Mike CAN blow up planets, but it's kinda stupid to blow up a planet you're standing on. Other than this capacity for planet destruction, Nelson's just a wimp from Wisconsin, which means he's an expert on cheese (like the late French general, Roquefort Gouda). Being similar to the French ain't gonna help him here (or anywhere, for that matter).

Spock: The Hooligans will rip his Vulcan arse to pieces before he has a chance to redundanly state how illogical people act when they're "pess droonk."

These three will be dispatched in no time, with no casualties. The Hooligans engaged thus will join their compatriots. The remaining four competitors must now deal with 20,000 Hooligans each.

The Men In Black: The first Hooligan casualties occur here, with the Noisy Cricket taking out 15 or so. Unfortunately, this takes out J, as he is slammed into the A&S Museum's Star Wars exibit, knocking open a massive case of Double-Sided Lightsabers (tm), which the Hooligans proceed to pick up and use bludgeon K, a la Futurama (tm).

Boba Fett: It has been proven that the only way to defeat the bounty hunter is with a Long Metal Stick(tm) in the proximity of a Cesspool Of Near-Infinite Evil(tm). Unfortunately for Fett, by the time he meets up with the Hooligans, he is in DC's lawyer district, taking care of the Cesspool (tm) requirement, while nearby roadsigns are pulled out of the cement, taking care of the Long Metal Stick(tm) requirement. Hooligan casualties: 4 (from encounters with police horse arses)

Gozilla: In the National Mall's Reflecting Pool(tm), Gozilla has been wreaking havoc on the 20,000 Hooligans facing him. But after 13, 452 are stomped, squished, nuked, and sobered, a team of scientists comes rushing out of the Natural History Museum(tm) with stunning news: Godzilla couldn't exist on Earth. His skin isn't thick or large enough to keep in the weight of the Lizard's Innards(tm). Blasted with this information, Godzilla now struggles to stay in one peice, he almost succeeds, but then he spies the headline on the National Enquirer.

"Big Boobed Babe Back with Butt-ugly Bongo Beater"

While this has nothing to do with Pam and Tommy, the horrendous alliteration does the Lizard in. His guts are everywhere.

Death: The Reaper, who has up until this point been taking care of the casualties, meets up with the remaining 66,529 Hooligans on the tarmac of the Ronald Reagan Airport (tm). While Death Incarnate does kill anyone who touches him, this means he is soon covered in dead Hooligans, in capacitaning him. The Bowl goes to the English Soccer Hooligans, who pour several pints of Guinness and are about to have a chugging contest when the whirl of rotor blades is heard as plaid helicopter lands. All eyes are on the red-bearded man who gets out. He gets out, looks around at the carnage, and shouts out, "Yoo cahl this ah Soccer RRRiot? C'mon boys!!"

Ironically, the IRS is all that survives the ensuing mayhem brought forth by Groundskeeper Willy(tm)

- Jak the Duck With Carpal-Tunnel Syndrome

In the midst of the confusion, chaos and general apathy such a large and directionless match will cause, The Rogue ElementsTM coalesce. The Star Wars Jihad (There Is No Jihad), The MST3K Jihad (There Is No Jihad), The Star Trek Positronic Nonlinear Pseudolinguistic Collective Jihad (There is no... ah, screw it), etc. They gather, secure in their strength, proud in their bearing, and butt-ugly in their clothing. But only like fireflies before the storm, because soon they are ripped limb from limb, one terrified yell flying ahead of the waves of blood:


Thronging, massive, overwhelming in might and wittiness, the Simpsons Jihad descends upon the simpering syncophants of the competitors proper. Enraged at being excluded from the Tournament, they descend upon the ring and rend these pretenders limb from limb. Even the non-fans join them in a pre-emptive strike to save the response file from pointless Star Trek technobabble, painful Star Wars references, and [shudder] gratuitous Monty Python quoutes. Anyone trying to insert Japannime references in an effort to bolster Godzilla's strength are flayed, quartered and thrown into salt vats until they get some good taste.

Is there one among them who can stand up to Willy? Are there any here who do not fear Ralph Wiggum? Is there a weapon made that can penetrate Marge's hair? Of course not. Wit, not weapons, win Grudge Matches, and the sci-fi peanut gallery there have nary a wit between them.

And so, children, remember. Good jokes are rare, fanboys are cheap. --Rosencrantz, Disciple of Ralph Wiggum

- "Tastes like... burning."

I just want to thank the Grudgemeister's for arranging Ricky Martin's untimely demise. While you could have made it slower and more painful, I will happily settle for "La Muerta Loca."

- martinl

I : Fett VS Spock
Spock's stratagy was hurt,
When all the Red Shirts,
Saw Fett, and thought of Storm Troopers.
They were beaten before,
They were beaten once more,
And Spock had to call for some backup.
They were beaten before,
They were beaten once more,
And now Spock was left with no backup.
Though Spock had his logic,
Fett had his rockets,
And eventualy, Fett had to win.

"What's our mission?", asked J.
"To catch Mike.", replied K.
"That human has seen too much."
"And where is he?", asked J.
"Right over there.", pointed K.
Mike heard them, and started to run.
But J ran much faster,
While firing his blaster,
He shot them, and this match was won.

III : King Aurthur VS Soccer Hooligans
At first it seemed,
That soon the King,
Would be claiming his victory.
But pretty soon,
The King seemed doomed,
The Hooligans weren't stopping.
But just when it got,
To where all seemed lost,
Enter the French Army.
As the Hooligans got pounded,
The army men shouted,
"Hail and long live the King!"

IV : Godzilla VS Death
Though Godzilla was stronger,
It took him much longer,
To kill his opponent, he did.
But just as Death,
Seemed to breath his last breath,
He struck Godzilla with his scythe.
By taking this life,
Death was revived,
And this match, the Gream Reaper did win.

V : MIB VS Fett
"What's next?", asked J.
"Boba Fett.", replied K.
"Alien bounty hunters....", J agreed.
And just as he did,
Fett rocketed in,
And was chased by the MIB's.
J shot his Tiny Cricket,
But he missed and hit Wicket,
Who got a 14 second death sceene.
K fired at Fett,
And as he got hit,
Fett let out a mighty scream.

VI : Death VS King Aurthur
Death was quick to defeat,
Everyone but the King,
Who they defended untill the end.
Then Death eyed him and said,
"Shouldn't you be dead?"
Death raised his scythe high and he killed him.

VII : Death VS MIB
K:"So, Death, we meet again."
J:"Death's an alien?"
K:"But of coarse! Does he look human?"
J:"But he isn't a mortal."
Then Death opened a porthole,
and appeared behind both of them.
They tried to duck,
But they'd run out of luck,
And Death was a Three-Time Champion.

- Lady Mab Of DragonHood (No novels, eh?)

Godzilla- Reportedly powerless after hubby Pam had her mountains turned to molehills, Pam's thunderlizard hasn't been the same since. He's all bluff and cheap effects now (Ok, ok, maybe that hasn't changed.)

Spock- Even old age gets to the vulcans...Spock's mind is as soft and worn as an old tire, and his hands are so arthritic that his Vulcan mind meld can only do about 14.4 baud. He's in now shape to fights this match. Don't get me started on the red-shirts.

Soccer Hooligans- These violent men will be terribly destracted by their new combines chick fights, wet T-shirts, and incredibly fit girls in small shorts-Women's world cup soccer! These middle aged men will have only one no holds bared match on their minds, and I don't mean the fight.

Bobba Fett- *Current residence- Belly of nasty creature
*Current Ocupation-digestion
*Note-as dangerous as warm milk. May take out an ensign.

M.I.B- Reviewing the past record of GM's, One notices that anything that made too much money eventually fails. My vote is that Will and co will be swolowed up by a huge alien unknown to their world...a plot!

Arthur- As the movie was made before my mother was old enough to watch it, i've never had the pleasure. However, I understand that the sum of the knights were beaten by a rabbit. I rest my case.

MST3000- Powered by the eternal fire that pushes us all...the need for a toilet. That's right, theres NO toilet on the space station, and they've ALL been eatin a whole lot o popcorn and drink in the past seasons.

Death- Death has been around forever, had a major part in every war, and recently conqured the IRS. Roumer has it that someday he'll take on *gasp* Bill Gates! Anything that can do that has my vote.


- Dan "Seven swings" Rotigel

The pitch was littered with dead horses and knights, and a giant spaceship that had crashed to earth with one human and a number of makeshift robot corpses as the only inhabitants. One could faintly detect the smell of melted and disintegrated Mandalorian armor in the air at Old Trafford.

"Hey Kay," Will Smith asked as he shot and killed the rather large and well-advertised, but somehow unimpressive Godzilla, "why do I always get these Pansy-A*s(TM) little guns? I mean what is this one called anyway?"

"Why, it's the 'Annoying Overly-Hyped Action-Star-o-Matic.' It's the first in a new line from Barry Sonnenfeld. When you finish with that freak with the pointy ears, get to work on those darn Brits. I've got Death on the ropes over here."

As he struggled to persevere the punishment given by the anal black suited guy, death screamed, "You may have beaten me, but I'll see you in HELL!!" Suddenly Death threw his hands wide in a huge motion and yelled out, "Hocus-Pocus, Fingle-fruiter, Abracadabra!"

Suddenly, bidden from out of the deep recesses of soccer heaven (otherwise known as Wembley Stadium) eight apparitions rose, complaining of the weather in Germany.

"Bloody Hell mates!" yelled the hooligans leader, Bobby Charlton. "Busby's Babes! And they're pissed at those guys in the ugly black suits."

The spirits glided across the field, dribbling, passing and moaning. "Cross!" "Square!" and "Through ball!" they cried as the assaulted J and K. The sight of the ghosts playing a foreign sport was too much for the alien control officials. "I don't understand this game." Will Smith said, dumbfounded. "It's so [yawn] boring. ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzz . . ."

As the two men collapsed, the apparitions melted away into the ground, leaving nothing behind save a cool keg of Guiness. Kicking back with a pint of the newfound brew Bobby said to himself, "Hmm, a Guiness, a WWWF title and no more Fugitive movies . . .seems like another triple for Man U."

- Andy Ashcroft

I think the contest comes down to two competitors. Boba Fett and Spock. Here's why:

Godzilla: Even though he is royally pissed about being beaten by Ferris, I mean, MAthiew Broderick last time around, it just goes to show you, that this isn't really as formaidable a foe as he once was. 20 years ago, it would be a different. But the nineties are brutal to most and poor oversized nuclear beast is a fatality.

3000 guy: I'm not even going to answer that one. Who the hell is this anyway? Mystery solved, he isn't even a factor.

MIB: Besides getting rid of the annoying Ricki Martin song, would it be safe to assume that all annoying summer songs get vaped? In that case, Wil Smith is already gone due to that tune Wild Wild West. In fact, he never gets to compete because all of the angry spectators who kill him, hoping to end his onslaught of generic summer flics. Tommy Lee Jones, although snarky and sarcastic, is no match for a laser from Boba or a healthy dose of Spock logic.

The Knights (we know how to pronounce it as it should be): Let's see, a vigin, a chicken shit, a queer king (not that there's anything wrong with that), Lancelot who can't keep his pants on. Who did they defeat, the French. Whoopie. Besides, they can't even agree to reunite, let along fight together as a cohesive unit. They eliminate themselves.

English Soccer Houligans: They're too distracted by the latest royal scandal. Spock's logic makes they're brains explode.

Death: This is a tough one, but Both Boba Fett and Spock have thwarted death one too many times to be very concerned with it. They wave around all of the valuable money to be made by keeping them alive (the books, the movies, and all the rest of the paraphenalia), the IRS takes death aside and reminds him that there will be another grudge match (TM) another day. Besides, it'l be fun to Tax George Lucas a little more. Let the Franchises live, for the love of greed!

Now we have our final two competitors left. The Problem? Both have lost the will to live.

Spock: Death is right. The longer we stay alive, the longer we have to endure being associated with more and sequels. And This playing second fiddle to William is getting really old. Maybe DeForest had the right idea...

Boba: Yeah, well, at least you're franchise doesn't have some lame-ass character named JAr-JAr Binks. For the love of all things sacred, I would vape that little piece of CGA crap in an instant!

Spock: At least you weren't in the first one.

Boba: No, but you know I will be eventually. And if I have to put up with Leonardo DiCaprio... Well, my RAGE will not be contained. But I am getting too old for this.

Spock: No, don't give up yet! The world still needs you! Only you can kill JAr JAr! Only you can kill DiCaprio! I see the need! Please, it is only logical that you win so that maybe the next two pre-quels will be worth watching if you're over the age of 13! I owe this to humanity!

Boba: I see your logic and respect your honour. This will be done quicky. Disintgrated, so this time they ccan't shoot your body into a planet and then regerate you.

Spock: Thank God. Please, proceed.

And that is how it ends, Spock out of his misery and Boba off to hopefully save Star Wars from becomming its own worst nightmare.

- LEe

Godzilla stomps on Spock and crew. Due to the Star Trek Law of Principle Character Survival(tm), Spock just happens to be standing between the big lizards toes when the foot came down, while all the ensigns become so much red-shirted jelly. Their attention drawn to the carnage, J and K recognize Spock from an arrest warrant for illegal extraterrestrial involvement in native cultural degradation (letting Shatner direct Star Trek V). But J had just finished dispatching Boba Fett and forgot to turn down the power level on his weapon. What barely scratched Mandalorian armor now explodes the Vulcan's body most heinously, leaving behind only Spock's brain.

"Ummm, that's not good, is it?" J asks. "No Slick, it's not," K replies.

Mike and Joel were the next to fall, with a touch by Death's icy finger. Death proceeded to move onto Tom Servo and Crow. But Death's casual stroke was to no avail... because robots aren't really alive! What follows is a series of heckling that shames what Bill and Ted did to the Grim Reaper:

"Like, haven't you heard of Hair Club for Men?"
"So like, if Death kills everyone he touches, does that mean he's never gotten any?"

Death, the terrible secret of his eternal virginity now revealed by two daft droids, leaves the scene with head hung low, scythe dragging the ground and leaving a dead wasteland in its wake.

Meanwhile, the MiB were trying to serve another warrant, this time on Godzilla, for possession of an internal biological nuclear reactor without the proper paperwork. Godzilla, who never gave a rat's heiney for bureacracy, smokes the MiB with barely a puff. The big "G" also rips into the MSTK3 robots, tearing off Crow's head with aplomb.

On the bluff, King Arthur and his knights watched their competition being destroyed by Godzilla, wondering how they could defeat such a monster.

"Have we got cadmium bombs?" Arthur asked. "No, but we have the Holy Hand Grenade."

"Yes of course, the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch! Brother Maynard, bring forth the Holy Hand Grenade!" Arthur holds the Holy Hand Grenade forth with bold exuberance. Pulling the pin and counting to three (not five), he lobs the projectile at the big lizard. Godzilla explodes, sending chunks of green rubber and droplets of heavy water everywhere.

Arthur and the knights behold the spectacle of the WWWF Bowl. As they bow their knees to give thanks to God for this awesome victory, a horse drops out of the sky and knocks over the English entourage.

"Hello again, you smelly eenglish pig-dog kaaaa-niggutts!" screams the nasaly French voice. "Not you again!" Arthur screams. The French start taunting the knights: "we wave our private parts in your direction you ugly Anglo-Saxons! You couldn't win a fight against your weight in chihuahuas, you hamster-borne sons of elderberries!"

Arthur and the knights make a short retreat from the taunting. "We shall attack at once!" "Yes, my liege," Bedevere said. Arthur turns and cries out, "STAND BY FOR ATTACK!!!

But it's not an army of knights that appears over the hilltop this time. Mounting the crest, "pees-droonk" and with a warcry that would shudder the wildest Celt in war-berserk, 80,000 English soccer hooligans stand poised. Trapped between enraged hooligans and taunting French, King Arthur can only mutter three words:

"oh bloody hell..."

What follows isn't pretty. Their sovereign is carelessly smashed aside and for the second time in a year, English soccer hooligans destroy the French military. To the WWWF Bowl is added another trophy: the severed head of the French taunter, on which the hooligans take turns "relieving" themselves.

The final, poignant scene in this fiasco is that of two lone figures, standing to one side. Steve and Brian cannot hold back the tears as they witness what has become of their beloved WWWF, left without commentary. They file charges of negligence and that evening Shane, HotBranch!, Some Dork, Paul and the rest are loaded into a paddy wagon.

- Chris 'Jedi' Knight wanted to see Spice Girls mangled and killed by the soccer hooligans... WAAAAAHH!!

Washington DC has seen a lot of strange things, but not so many as right now. Aliens, monsters, bounty hunters, England’s mentally disturbed, anthropomorphic personifications, satirists, more of England’s mentally disturbed , the guy who directed Three Men and a Baby, and serious men in dull suits. Okay, it’s used to the serious men in dull suits, but the rest is just too much for it. Washington is going to be destroyed.

But it’s used to this; Washington gets battered more than Louis Anderson did growing up. For every threat of destruction, an equal and opposing counterattack shows up.

The MIBs see a strange circular craft landing, and a tall strong robot getting out. Neophtye J gets overanxious, and blasts it with his Noisy Cricket. Gort falls down with a porthole blown through his back, intergalactic war is declared, the earth stands still, everybody dies.

The English Soccer Hooligans, looking for something to drink and also looking to things to smash, are pulverized by the tidal wave from Deep Impact, and everyone dies.

All two dozen ensigns start coughing from the superflu from the Stand, and knock each other down like the domino-bookcases in Three O’Clock High. Spock feels their pulse, finds none, feels his own, accidentally nerve-pinches himself, and passes out.

Boba Fett charges into a fresh battle between humans and aliens, to see if there’s any bounties on the participants. He gets struck by an errant blast of Death Ray from a Martian (who are there to kill Jack Nicholson and Glenn Close).

King Arthur and his knights, seeing the jet-liner from Debt of Honor screaming down at them, begin to argue about what would happen if headlights were turned on at the speed of light, and everybody dies.

Death, already rather enthused by everything that’s happening, doesn’t look behind him and gets annihilated by the teal- colored blast from the ID4 mothership. (He shouldn’t have been prancing around in Brad Pitt’s body, but that’s what you get when you’re mortal for a day.)

Godzilla looks down at the carnage, which he hasn’t caused, and is doubly confused that there’s not a giant monster for him to fight. But the giant Abe Lincoln from that one sketch on Saturday Night Live attacks him, and impales him on the Washington Monument.

Mike, Joel and the ‘bots have safely returned to the Satellite of Love, where they watch the carnage unharmed. But here comes giant Thomas Nast political cartoon drawings of William Jennings Bryan and Boss Tweed stomping all over the Capitol Building! The crude satire is too much for them, and they die of disgust.

So everyone dies, except for immortal Strom Thurmond, who walks out of the wreckage unharmed, muttering, “Not enough gun.”

- Wubbie

Clearly, the rules of the TV/Movie universe dictate that MST3K will triumph. The combatants are each archetypical; Godzilla represents Nature, MST3K stands for Parody, King Arthur for God & State, Death as Himself, Boba for Hi-Tech Anti-Heroes, Spock for Logic, Hooligans represent Stupidity, and MIB bear the mantle of Hi-Tech Heroes.

Rule: Heroes beat Anti-Heroes (e.g. Return of the Jedi).
Ergo: MIB blasts Boba Fett
Rule: Nature beats Technology (e.g. Titanic, Force vs Death Star)
Ergo: Godzilla squishes MIB
Rule: Death beats Nature (not Love, but nobody here represents Love)
Ergo: Death reaps the lizard
Rule: God triumphs over Death (e.g. King of Kings)
Ergo: King Arthur bests the Reaper
Rule: Logic beats Religion
Ergo: Spock postulates; Arthur disappears in a puff of rationalism
Rule: Stupidity beats logic ("See how smart yez is wi'out teeth!")
Ergo: Thugs give Spock and Co a good seeing to
Rule: Humour beats Stupidity (e.g. Bugs vs Elmer Fudd)
Ergo: Mystery Science Theatre Rules!

- -- John Hunter

[After the rest of the competitors have been dispatched] The Men in Black vs. Soccer Hooligans: On the surface, it looks like the hooligans will win this by sheer force of numbers. However, the MiB have a little trick up their sleeves. It is that penlight that flashes red light. All the MiB have to do is flash that thing at the hooligans. Then the mob will forget why they are there in the first place. More importantly, they will forget they are already drunk and proceed to go and drink even more alcohol. This will push their blood-alcohol levels to the lethal range of .45 to .50 and kill the lot of them, giving Team MiB a clear victory.

- The Demented Astronomer

MST3K will take this because of the TIWAS factor, standing for The Idiots Will Always Survive. Examine the Tick, winner of the previous match- he's so idiotic NOTHING can kill him. I also point you to Stimpy and Sven Höek, CatDog, and Sam & Max: Freelance Police. These people always come out on top despite their own stupidity and/or flat- out moronic tendencies.

The only people in this contest who come close to the idiocy of the tick are the MST3K guys and King Arthur and the Kannigets, who will be promptly arrested for something they didn't do (dignitaries they may be, but diplomatic immunity always takes a back seat to silliness, wich they have in spades). Getting thrown in the pokey will most assuredly consiture elimination, therefore the MST3Kers will stay around because of sheer dumb luck, such as "Oh, look, a nickel!" Just as Death swings his scythe and ends up hitting Boba Fett instead.

- Nick "the Maniac Clown" Zachariasen

If I recall correctly, the English Soccer Hooligans managed to beat (just of course but it was still a victory) the French Army!!!Beating the French Army is no small thing because even if they're thrashed, the French never loose. The Foreign Legion was thrashed in Mexico at Cameron and it became the symbol of the Foreign Legion. WWII? France did not do very well and they were still considered as victorious occupying a part of Germany!

Regarding this fight, Godzilla is no longer here thanks to our friend Jean Reno!

Boba Fett is using a gun which of course was designed by the French army and looks like a laser FAMAS!

Men in BLACK would be beaten up by the French police for not having the right visa!

King Arthur... well, forget him, whatever people say and even if Joan of Arc was burnt by the "perfide Albion", the French won the 100 years war and William the Conqueror kicked all the Saxons'butts! Star Trek crew might have a better chance but let me remind you that French space technology with Ariane has a much better record than American spaceships therefore the Enterprise blows in the space, or wherever you want it to blow, before it can reach DC!

Regarding MST?? What a joke!! This is just a fantasy!! No one heard about them in France!!!!

And now, one could say the big one, Death!! Well I'm sorry but what are the French renowned for (apart from their food, cheeses, wines and army and technology of course)? Their culture!!! With all their writers, philosophers, poets, scientists, singers (si, si Edith Piaf!!!), who showed they were stronger than Death, the French Army would not be afraid by this insignificant character!

If the English hooligans beat the French Army, this will be no contest for them!!!

- Champions du Monde!!!!!!

Naturally, everyone starts off by shooting at the largest target, namely Godzilla. Eventually, SOMEONE manages to kill Godzilla, after which most of the combatants are crushed by several million tons of falling lizard. Those who manage to avoid this quickly succumb to radiation leaking from Godzilla's perforated stomach. Being intangible, Death is of course immune to both crushing and radiation, and therefore wins by default.

- Joe Gottman

Spock. With 25 phasers, how can he lose. Besides, he's the only one who will logically duck.

- Steven Pratt

I think this match would have been even better if you had included Richard Simmons.

Godzilla stomps the soccer hooligans like Lucille Ball in her famous grape-squashing episode. Since there are so many slick polyester shirts and so few teeth in the resulting pulp, there's less traction than usual and Godzilla slips and falls, crushing Boba Fett. Fett's helmet flies off and shatters the skulls of 4 red-shirted ensigns.

The MST3K crew squares off against the anti-alien Men in Black, obliterating them with antimatter croutons and bac-os as they themselves are smashed into plastic shards by the "cricket gun."

Inspired by his glory years in the Dark Ages of Europe, Death quickly takes out King Arthur and his Knights, and with a deft backhand kills another ten ensigns.

This leaves Spock (plus 10 ensigns), Godzilla, and Death. Both Spock and Godzilla have died and come back to life, so Death will probably shit a brick as he watches these two slowly turn in his direction. Stumbling backwards, he trips over Ricky Martin's corpse and falls onto his own scythe, ending his eons-long reign. Ricky Martin's undead flesh twitches with unholy life, and with a sickening lurch he jumps back up on stage.

No ammo is left among the crowd, and they wail piteously for help as Ricky starts swishing his zombie ass and ay-ay-aying his hideously deranged Latin lust-call. Their pleas are answered when 11 phaser beams and one 30-foot wide blast of radioactive flame converge on Mr. Martin, converting his putrid flesh into bubbling froth within nanoseconds.

The grateful crowd swarms onto stage to thank the victors, accidentally trampling the remaining 10 ensigns. Spock does the logical thing and beams back to the Enterprise to avoid the rampaging hordes. Godzilla stomps and roasts a few citizens, and then kicks back to savor yet another victory.

- Whit

As the match starts, Spock yells to the English Soccer Hooligans that Godzilla sold them the tickets. Godzilla responds by spraying fire upon the Hooligans which they use to cook their turkey legs (now available in extra crispy!) They swarm on Godzilla like flies on poop (poop?). The kill Godzilla with a barage of bottles, beer songs, and vomit. Gozilla does manage to reduce their number to 1,000 mostly by stepping on them.

Meanwhile, Boba Fett then realizes the bounty on death would be enough set him for to buy a complete set of Beenie Babies (his secret passion). He shoots a "Don't move while I figure out what to kill you with" Stun Ray rendering him immobile.

Then Boba Fett is blow to peices by THE BIG FREAKIN' GUNtm in K's hands. "Fashion police, the helmet look went out long time ago, sucka!" says J. "You too, cloak boy", Says K in a dry tone. Then a phaser shot hits K in the back, which only burns his suit slightly, but causes immense internal damage, killing K. "Killing Death is Illogical." says Spock. "Pointy eared bastard!", says J as he unloads all three barrels on Spock. The red shirted ensigns are suprised by the fact that it wasn't one of them who died.

J turns to Death to finish the job. He takes out the NOISY CRICKETtm and blows Death to somewhere in Illinois. The recoil thows J into Sir Robin's sword, who was just tring to figure where to throw his soiled armour, which kills J instantly. "Dear God, I never meant to hurt anyone", says Sir Robin, "I never wanted to be a knight anyway. I wanted to be.....A lumberjack! Swinging from tree to tree ahhhhhh...."

King Arthur turns to see that the Red shirted ensigns have shot Sir Robin. Realizing that if the French, who suck a fighting, could take on King Arthur and win, then they could to. They shoot phasers at the Knights which don't kill them, but give them really nasty flesh wounds.

"BASTARDS!!!! I love that song!" Screams Tom Servo as he attacks the Red shirted ensigns. He hits them with his head (since his arms are all but useless) and kills 15 of them. One of them throws a rock at him (their phasers are set to actually be shot once per show) and he goes down. "Servo!!!" cries Crow as he throws a pez dispensor at the remaining Red shirted ensigns where it ricochets and kills them all. Crow, Mike and Joel go to Tom Servo. The music swells and all fighting stops as they have a touching moment.

Tom servo: "Its getting dark, where are you guys"
Crow: "Oh sorry I'm in the light"
Tom: "oh ok that's much better, please win that shiny toliet for me."
Mike:"We'll try but the English Soccor Hooligans have no weekness"
Joel:"Wait, these are the same people who watch shows like Plan 9 from Outer Space and think its real. That means we could use the secret weapon"
Crow:"No you don't mean..."
Mike:"That's strange and deranged and totally inhuman!"
Tom Servo:"You know I kinda liked it too!"
Joel:"Let's go get'em guys"

They all turn to the English Soccer Hooligans and pull out the secret weapon.....Mentos!!!! The English Soccer Hooligans freeze in their tracks, not even Drunken Stupidity can out match Mentos Coolness! They flee to where drunkeness and stupidy are not only tolerated but a well respected way of life, Any small town in Alabama.


They are presented the Bowl which leaves Tom Servo's acceptance speach as the ultimate fighting sound bite "Gee that was fun!"

- Shane M. Bryan who saved the world by inventing Spam!

The only ones that would be left standing are Death, Spock, who has defeated death before, and MST3K. I say MST3K, since at one point the famed three managed to turn into non-corporeal beings, including the True Essence of Chewing Satisfaction. One also became the True Essence of Love. So: With non-corporeal beings lasting longer than Spock, I'd have to say that Love conquers all. >sniff, sniff<

- 99 and 44/100 pure

After hours of painstaking analysis, I have computed the winner of this free-for-all, based on a logical progression of superiority. And by "logical", I mean "completely contrived", naturally.

That being said, this match goes to Joel Hodgson and those lovable 'bots from MST3K. Furthermore, I was able to chart out the relative success of each combatant, based on the connections below. Each connection demonstrates how one combatant is superior to the one below him/her/it/them/insert pronoun here.

MST3K- Through repeated and merciless mocking, demonstrate their superiority over bad B-movie icons such as:

Godzilla- Whose greatest ability is the frequent squashing of large, ethnic, chaotic crowds, not entirely unlike:

Eng.Soccer Hooligans- Who fanatically support the colours of their team, and are liable to beat the crap out of anyone dressed in another colour, such as:

Men in Black- Who are really little more than cosmic policemen, many ranks higher than the ordinary cops who who ran in:

King Arthur & Knights- Who, because of their massive incompetence, all should have been killed, and yet survived, thumbing their collective noses at:

Death- Who, with amazingly little difficulty if one overlooks the years of digestion in the Sarlacc Pit, claimed the life of:

Boba Fett- Who is part of a sci-fi franchise that is universally preferred to another sci-fi franchise, of which:

Spock- is a charter member.

Couldn't be simpler for MST3K. Incidentally, I was wondering how Joel eats and breathes, and other science facts. Oh well, it's just a show, I should really just shave backs. Er, I mean relax.

- 1/2 Nelson

This match is a microcosm of life- no matter who does the most killing, no matter who ends up with the trophy, Death will always have the last laugh.

And while's laughing, Godzilla will step on him.

- -Brent

You guys forgot to put in a ninth entrant, and the REAL winner of this match, no matter who comes out on top: The American People (tm, McDonald's Corp).

Since this match takes place in Washington, DC, most if not all of the city--and its corrupt political inhabitants--will be crushed/burnt/stabbed/eaten/fried, ect. And invariably, so will our beloved President (tm, NBC). So regardless of which combatant is victorious, The American People (tm) will have cause for rejoicing!

- MonkeyDog

Well here it would seem that Death would have an obvious advantage. I mean, MIB? What are they without their silly weapons? Even with them, Death has the easy victory, as Death IS Death, and Death can't take himself silly!! Same with most everyone hooligans, *pssh*. Spock, hah. And so on and so on. Death with the easy victory, right?


In order for Death to kill, the victim must have a life. Enter MST3K. 2 of the 3-Tom Servo and Crow-are ROBOTS. Robots, by definition, have no life; therefore, Death cannot kill them. Or at the very least, they can be reassembled pretty quickly, unlike your basic MIB agent. So what about Mike, you say? Recall the beginning of last week's MST3K (Hamlet), where Pearl Forrester announced she had come up with a virus that would kill half the world, and that he would be the first to die. Mike's reaction was to play 3 card monte with her to determine who got choice of movie. So he doesn't really fear death either.

-MST3K win. End of story. You lose.

- Dark Fact

It has been a long and busy day. 24 ensigns, 80,000 hooligans, two wisecracking men and their robots, two men with rayguns who discovered that they couldn't sever *one* tie to their past, a king and his knights (had to switch to the sword for that lot), and one 300-foot-tall lizard-like being that really should have bought it a while back.

I WAS BUSY, he thinks.

He looks over, spotting Boba Fett. Fett had been biding his time till the feild narrowed a bit, and was now setting his sights on a lone Vulcan, still fretting over his tricorder data. Fett wordlessly fires a blaster bolt, neatly coring Spock.

Fett whirls about as a dark mist coalesces into an anthropormorphic personification of the relentless force known as DEATH.

Fett stares coldly. "No fair. I haven't gotten to Solo yet."

Two points of distant blue light stare back from beneath an impenetrable darkness. I WAS NOT READY TO TAKE HIM. A skeletal arm lifts an hourglass, its final sands poised to fall. YOUR TIME, HOWEVER, HAS COME. A dozen IRS agents nod in agreement, thinking of the lost revenues from the bounty hunter's failure to file, ever. Boba Fett turns to make for his ship, but a scythe slides silently through his Mandalorian Armor, leaving no mark of its passage. And the mighty Boba Fett falls.

DEATH looks down on his work, almost regretfully, then turns to his aides. COME, he says, THE SPICE GIRLS AWAIT.

- ~the Stranger

I'm not sure if the carnage involved here could be accurately described by anything other than interpretive dance. But here is a quick run-down:

The ensigns are killed in the first femto-second by a passing flu bug, but Spock, of course, will last until right before the end of the battle where he will meld with a passing mime (since Deforest Kelly is gone - "Godammit, I'm a corpse not a Doctor"), and send his mind into the street preformer. He will later return to his body, but will constantly be getting trapped inside invisible boxes.

Boba Fett will be slaughtering innocents and stealing candy from babies like nobody's business, when a beer bottle erently thrown by a puking holligan hits his jetpack and he rockets off his feet. Unfortunately he lands in the passing Monica Lewinsky and is immediately sucked into to her gravity well and digested for the next millenia.

Mike, Tom Servo and Crow will have an excellent time amusing themselves with smart-alec remarks at the expense of the low budget special effects that was all G2 could afford. But they will be stepped on by Godzilla who is annomoly to them. Because as his effects got better his story got worse.

Although the English Holigans have the advantage of numbers they will never be able to stage an attack because of the Offside rule (the dumbest rule in sports this side of Cricket). And besides, it's not like they're fighting the French here.

The MIB, although a favorite after their victory against the mastermind Mork, will be decimated. Without Linda Flourinetino, they are nothing but the Fresh Prince and Ty Cobb.

Godzilla will, obviously, choke to death on King Arthur's knights. If I have to explain this one to you, then you haven't watched "Quest for the Holy Grail" and "Godzilla Vs. MechaGodzilla" at the same time in a bright pink room while hepped up on goofballs.

Death comes for all. (But afterwards he will stop by the Nudie bar and enjoy a quick show.)

- CompleteFool

I would like to include a write-in vote for "None of the above".

Death is the first to go, because he's closest. While he may have defeated Taxes, he is no match for the third inevitability of life: Puberty. The writers cleanly dispatched of the dreaded Ricky Martin, but they failed to accurately depict what was left behind: approximately 1.5 million screaming teen and pre-teen girls who have just been robbed of the gyrating pelvis they held so dear. "The crowd goes wild." Indeed.

Spock goes next. The battle record of ensigns is well established, and Spock's hands would cramp up after the first hundred or so neck pinches. Those MST3K posers are quickly made into a new coat of paint on the Washington Monument. Anybody that does nothing but watch movies and hang out with robots isn't going to know much about how to handle women. King Arthur and Co. are the final pretenders to exit early. Being afraid of rabbits, they will surely collapse in horror at the sight of a rushing wall of estrogen. A few manage to survive as they have the good sense to "run away".

The remaining four at least have a shot, but it only delays the inevitable. Boba Fett manages to fry his fair share of femmes, but he is simply overcome by numbers. People think Fett is some kind of super bad-ass, but when you think about it, he went down pretty easy in ROTJ -- in silly Three Stooges-esque (tm) fashion no less. The Soccer Hooligans are a true threat, since drunks feel no pain. But the sight of the first wave of your buds being turned into goo is enough to sober anybody up. Most are smart enough to leave the scene and head off to the nearest federal prison in search of an easier fight.

We now witness the valiant stand by the MIBs -- the only ones there with enough fire power to win. Unfortunately, they aren't allowed to turn their weapons on civilians. So they whip out those "Flashy Thingys" (tm) and try to make the girls' forget Ricky Martin ever existed. Yeah, right. My mother-in-law still gets mushy when you mention Ricky Nelson, and he's been an extra-crispy crack addict for over a decade. Some memories can't be erased. They go down hard.

That leaves Godzilla, although his fate is already sealed. Anyone who thinks a massive crowd of enraged females couldn't take out Godzilla apparently haven't seen that famous time-lapsed footage of army ants skeletonizing a cow in 30 minutes. Make it a flame-spewing cow and it might last 45 minutes, but it's a skeleton nonetheless. At least the Museum of Natural History doesn't have to travel far for it's new lobby centerpiece.

Their bloodlust hardly satiated, the 1.2 million remaining girls then move on to the next logical targets: those responsible for putting on the show which ended Ricky. Sorry, guys. Looks like Steve (tm) and I need to put another ad in the paper.

- Brian (tm)

Sorry, Brian™, but it’s documented fact that teenaged girls have no interest in us whatsoever, positive or negative. You’ll have to come up with a better scheme for taking control back. Muhahaha. - Eds

Okay. Let's get one thing straight here. We're talking about Death. Spell it with me, D-E-A-T-H. He comes to everybody, and, he's already dead. Seen Meet Joe Black? All one of you that did, remember that Death took the form of a guy that was already dead. Try killin' a zombie. Not very easy, since, again, they're already dead.

Now, I know he got whooped on in Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey. But keep in mind, that was Twister and Battleship. Death doesn't play those games that often. But pure, nothin-else-like-it ass-whoopin', that's Death's forte. Nobody's gonna beat Death in that one.

Furthermore, when you're sitting around for all eternity, and your one goal in life is to collect the dead souls, you are a candidate for a major case of the RAGE (tm). Stuck in an entry-level position for eternity with no chance of promotion? Your boss is an omnipotent God? It's like a career at McDonald's, without the benefits and bad food. You tell me who's the best suited for this match.

Godzilla? Has to die sometime.
MIB? Have to die sometime.
MST3K? Have to die sometime.
King Arthur and the Knights? You get the picture.

Death? Never dies, is eternal, and comes to all.

'Nuff said.

- The courteous Kopper Golyathe

"Elaborate, but please, no novels"? Well what are we supposed to do with 8 competitors? Transmit telepathic messages? Microdots, perhaps. Guys - this was a good idea but hey, so was Vietnam. The moral is engage brain before keyboard. A moral that would work so well with many Americans.

BTW- The Phantom Menace just hit England today (Thursday). I started queuing at 7 for the 11:15 performance. I needn't have bothered: the cinema was only about a fifth full. This just annoyed me soooo much i thought i'd bitch to you about it.

Regards to Mary, a.k.a. the chick with the calculator watch... Now i wan't one too... Hey, we could start a trend...

- Guildenstern

Only two things are certain--DEATH and taxes, anyone who gets top billing over taxes has got to be the Supreme Lord of Ass Kicking.

- Claymore

Congratulation's on being the first people in the world to diss Rocky Martin! Your award will behere in 5-10 buisness days!

- You dissed rocky Martin? YAY!!!!!!

The only things certain are death and taxes.

The power of death belongs to death of course.

The power of taxes belongs to the English Soccer Hooligans that live their life on the dole.

There are more Hooligans.

I think we know who wins.

- zoomzip

What's this? Nobody's weight in chihuahuas?

- Budo (25 Chihuahuas)

To view the first page of responses, click here.
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They are perfect for an extended visit to the bathroom...

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