"Welcome back to the celebrity edition of Big Brother. I'm Julie Chen. We're down to the final four houseguests, and we have a very special surprise for them. Let's go talk to them live now..." [The studio monitor shows a wide shot of the living room where four women are sitting, in pairs, on the Ikea-styled couches.]
"Hello houseguests, or should I say ladies, since you banished Jim Nabors last time we spoke."
The women giggle slightly. "Hello Julie," they all respond.
"During your time in the house, you have had to endure some difficult situations. Possibly the most difficult ordeal for all of you," Julie continues "is the fact that you haven't been allowed outside and all but one of you brought only one outfit.
"This is a very special reward. We are allowing one pair of you to go shopping outside the house, using the network's corporate credit card." All four women begin fidgeting excitedly.
Julie explains: "We asked you earlier in the green room who you wanted to share a reward with, and the married women wanted to work together, as did the single girls. To win this reward, you'll be working in pairs. Hidden somewhere in the house are a credit card and the key that unlocks the front door. Find both, and your reward pair will have 6 uninterrupted hours to shop till you drop."
Both pair of women hug each other and begin shrieking.
Julie continues, "To add an element of difficulty to the challenge, we are splitting up the reward pairings into two search pairings: Wilma with Ginger and Mary Ann with Betty. We salvaged some handcuffs from the 'Chains of Love' yard sale to connect the search pairings like siamese twins. Your reward pairing must have both items to win. If you don't have it, use whatever force you must to obtain it. Please put the handcuffs on now; the challenge begins in 60 seconds."
So Brendan, can the cartoons clobber the castaways or will TV's original survivors stomp the hanna-barbarians?
In accordance with strict FCC game show rules, the handcuffs have been certified as being slip-proof when used on cartoon characters.
BRENDAN: This one is remarkably easy to forecast when you look at who the combatants are. No, this is not simply Wilma & Betty vs. Ginger & Mary Ann. Instead this is the two faces of femininity locked in mortal combat: married women vs. single woman. Once you look at it that way, it is obvious who will win.
The atom bomb is but a child's toy compared to the power of a married woman. Every single man out there knows this, because we've all lost friends to that power. We've seen what it has done to our fallen brethren: men who used to be loud, crude, obnoxious, and perpetually horny, everything a man is supposed to be, but after just six months of married life give no indication that they ever even had male genitalia. That is the power at Wilma and Betty's hands.
As for the power of single women... well based upon several viewings of episodes of Sex and the City, it appears that the only power single women have is to sit around and complain about men. The full range of emasculating powers don't come on line until they are legally bound to their vic-- husband.
So this is already a mismatch. And let's face it, Ginger and Mary Ann aren't exactly the single girl's varsity anyway. Ginger knows only one trick, trying to flirt, and she's not even any good at that. (Did she once ever get what she wanted out of Gilligan? If she can't even vamp a sailor trapped on an island with her, what possible chance does she have here?) And Mary Ann is probably going to be too stoned to care about anything other than Pink Floyd and potato chips. Besides, she's probably still holding a grudge over that "And the rest" thing and won't be willing to work with Ginger.
HOTBRANCH: You young single guys are neat to watch. Your innocence and naiveté are endearing and humiliating all at once. Let's face facts: even escaped mental hospital patients know that Betty and Wilma can't win this, for the very reasons you outlined. Do you honestly think that Ginger and Mary Ann are going to let someone else escape, while they remain prisoners? Gilligan isn't around to screw up their plan, so they will beat the india ink and paper pulp out of the cartoons to get this reward.
The seven people who watched Big Brother have all told me that the married people are the ones who have the roughest time. The married women all claim to miss their families (excuse me, I think I have a speck of dust in my eye...). Ok, I'm better now. The single gals are the ones who rock the house. Furthermore, as it's down to the final 4, you've got to figure that Ginger will want to add to her wardrobe and Mary Ann will want a few new things to impress the guys who've been watching her every farmgirlish move on the web.
Let's look at who has the real power in this match: the best Wilma and Betty can hope to do is inflict some paper cuts. Ginger and Mary Ann are honest-to-goodness flesh and blood women (really, Brendan, you should try one sometime). Who, in their more youthful days, didn't consider who was the sexier sitcom pair? We all came to the same realization that flesh and blood are more desirable than paper and ink (but I won't speak of your magazine collection any further). Wake up and smell the Channel and country air; unless you're still a fan of those alcohol/acetate copies from grade school...
BRENDAN: Ahh, yes, how could I forget. You're one of the testicularly challenged aren't you? Sorry to out you and all but consider it payback for your revealing my role in the Stack/Walsh vs. Palance/Nimoy match. At any rate, while you make some good arguments for why real women are more desirable than cartoons (though you did kinda try and duck the whole aging thing), I must have missed the part where you actually said anything that related to this match.
And to answer your question, yes I do honestly think Ginger and Mary Ann will let someone else escape while they remain prisoners. I believe that because it is what happened in every single episode of Gilligan's Island. Be it movie producers, Russian cosmonauts, or Alf, the result is always the same. Wilma and Betty will be just one more set in a long and distinguished list of wacky guest stars who have outwitted the castaways and left them stranded.
But it was always Gilligan's fault you say... ahhh but now we must consider one Dr. Pavlov and his research on conditioned behavior. Ginger and Mary Ann are used to failing. Through botched escape attempt after botched escape attempt they've gradually been conditioned to expect it. Just as Pavlov's dogs learned to start salivating whenever they heard a bell even when there was no meat around, so have Ginger and Mary Ann learned to screw up escape attempts even when they lack for a Gilligan to screw it up for them.
Wilma and Betty actually like each other (you didn't see Wilma refusing to show up for Jetsons meet the Flintstones), they have all the battle experience ten years of marriage provide, and they are fighting for the purest, strongest, most noble of motivations: good old fashioned greed. And as for the suggestion that they might miss their families, have you forgotten who they are married to? They win this one easier than a married man hitting the high note in the Star Spangled Banner.
MRS. HOTBRANCH: What the hell is going on here!? Why is my husband pouting and watching the Man Show? Did someone question his masculinity?
Quickly scanning the match and assessing the situation.
Brendan. Of course, I should have known... Listen here, armadillo-breath, married men are not victims, nor are they emasculated in any way. And as much as you might joke about your lost so-called "friends", marriage is not a death sentence, you legal-beagle wannabe. Married women are very generous, and this match will prove it beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Wilma and Betty are thinking long term, much the same way they did when they got married. Ginger and Mary Ann haven't got the instinct yet, so they are looking for short term gain, which is why Wilma and Betty will tank the reward. Why wouldn't they? They're looking at the bigger picture that is the half-mill first place prize. Unlike Ginger and Mary Ann, Betty and Wilma recognize the fast-food nature of this reward, so they are saving themselves to make a run for the banquet of first place.
If that's not enough evidence of who will win the reward for you, let's consider that anthropologists have shown that homo-sapiens have grown over the centuries. That means that the stone-aged pair are considerably smaller than Ginger and Mary Ann. Bigger is better. The real women will tear those cartoons limb from limb with all the abandon of furious inklust, fueled by a desire to demonstrate that Gilligan was the albatross to their escape plans for all those years.
Finally, Brendan, as a member of the Grudge Wives Club, I can tell you that HotBranch, Brian, Mark, and Thinkmaster all get to sleep with women every night (the non-inflatable kind). Keep that in mind, the next time you reach for one of those magazines under your mattress.
I bring to this match that least coveted of commodities: Real Life Experience (tm). Despite your staggering level of bad guesses, it is clear that none of your regular staff and contributors are actually married women. I am.
I haven't been on a shopping spree since before my wedding. I will not be going on one any time in the foreseeable future. Except for groceries and gas, my last five expenditures were:
5) My husband's car registration
Since my Darling Husband (tm) works at a pay scale that is considerably higher than that of Stone Age quarry workers, it is clear that Wilma and Betty are in even worse straits than I am. The Brainless Beach Bimbos are about to learn the hard way that the only thing that gets between a desperate wife and someone else's credit card is shreds of suntanned flesh.
- Lee "I Love Him Anyway" Bridges
How are either Betty or Wilma going to search an entire house? If you've seen The Flintstones, you know that when they walk down a hall they never actually reach the end of it; they just pass by the same door, table and chair 20 times until they stop talking. (This is the scientific principle of cheapus backgroundus, the same principle that causes Wile E. Coyote's desert to consist of exactly one cactus that he keeps running past every couple of seconds.) Since you've placed one cartoon character in each search party, the searches are obviously doomed to be endless hikes in front of infinitely repeating backgrounds. And given that Wilma & Betty are used to such money-saving devices, while Ginger & Mary Ann are equally used to pointless quests that never end (like their quest to get off the island), it's doubtful that any of them will even notice that they're not getting anywhere.
The result? There is no result. Just one background, over and over and over and over and over, with the credit card and key just out of reach against a background that Hanna-Barbera's budget won't allow them to actually draw. But at least it'll be less boring than a typical episode of Big Brother.
- Captain Corcoran - Other banished houseguests included Mary & Rhoda, Alice & Trixie, Velma & Daphne, and possibly Elly May and Miss Jane
Fred and Wilma (as well as Betty and Barney) slept in separate beds for years on end. And do you even think that there was any action going on at the island? The sad thing is, even with all the sexual tension in the room coupled with two pairs of handcuffs, no one will care enough to actually WATCH an entire episode of "Big Brother".
- Charge Man
Wilma and Betty have this in the bag. How can I be so sure? They have it a lot harder than ginger and mary ann do. Oh sure, you could say, "But Mary Ann and Ginger are stuck on an island!" That may be so, but Wilma and Betty are stuck in the extreeeemely distant past. Whilst M.A and Ginger have everything they could ever need (males excluded) in a house, car, nuclear reactor, etc, all made out of coconuts, Betty and Wilma have to resort to using various animals to do their household chores. And not even dead animals either, they have to use animals that are still alive! Back when Betty and Wilma were around, we didn't have any of this fancy-shmancy stuff that M.A and Ginger have, we couldn't even kill our animals before we used 'em! And whilst M.A and Ginger never ever got what they wanted (getting off the island), Wilma and Betty are masters of their trade, even having successfully brainwashed their husbands to do their evil bidding. When Wilma and Betty are done with M.A and Ginger, the Gilligan's Island crew will be cleaning up the broken bones and bloody carcasses with a coconut-powered vacuum cleaner.
I voted the cartoons, because I prefer hentai to porno
Hmmm... Wilma and Betty vs. Gilligan's girls...
For one thing, Gilligan's Island wasn't exactly Survivor. Frankly with all the stuff cooked up by the Professer, the girls were livin' the high life when it came to being marooned on a desert island.
Wilma and Betty however... now you know there's gotta be some stored up anger inside those two. They have to put up with Barney and FRED. Now you know Wilma has to be nearly pushed to her edge, being yelled at and cooking and cleaner for Fred all the time... and Betty... or sure, *giggle-giggle*. Inside there's a killing machine- why do you think Bam-Bam came out so psycho?!
It'll be a bloody match and we're gonna see a new side to the Flintstone girls *I dont' even think I can watch*...
- Jet vega
It took Mary Ann & Ginger several season to find enough wood in a forest to patch a hole in a boat. They won't find a credit card and keys if you give them one day.
Wilma & Betty? Stone Age. All must be muscled & fit in order to SURVIVE, let alone live the comfortable life they did.
Agree with Brendan 2 weeks in a row? First time for everything.
- Devin the Mental Hospital Escapee...must form Brendan plot faster...
Ho hum... well, who shall win this little match? Who has the upper hand? The advantage? Let's examine, shall we?
A: RAGE™. Let's see: Ginger's an actress whose been around hot men for years, then gets stranded on an island with an idiot, a tub of lard, an elderly genious, and a married millionaire. No more hotties. And Mary Ann is always classified as a flat character and not the sex object of the island. Plus, Ginger's mad that Judith Baldwin clamed to be her in two TV™ movies. While not the most powerful examples of RAGE™ ever, what do Wilma and Betty have to be mad about? Advantage: G and MA.
Bonus: Both of them are mad at never being refered to by their full names, which are Ginger Grant and Mary Ann Summers.
Double Bonus: After 25 years on a remote dessert island, they need to get free from this building to escape back into the world. Plus they need new clothes. Wilma and Betty aren't stimulated by this desire to get back, and on one episode of "The Flinstones" we see her closet- all the same dresses. Plural. The desire for new clothes has already won before, in the Willy Gilligan vs. Pee Wee Herman match.
B: BABE FACTOR™: As stated before, Ginger is an actress, and somewhat famous at that. She's made people drool for years, and had the entire island, except the professor and Mr. Howell, nagging at her. Mary Ann is slender and fun. Wilma is like, Hanna Barbera's Edith Bunker, optomist and with an annoying voice, and Betty is Louise Jefferson- an annoying voice from the neighbour's overweight wife. And how can a cartoon be attractive? Although since there are no guys I'm not sure this means anything, but the BABE FACTOR™ advantage goes to Gilligan's concubines. Advantage: G and MA
C: Commentors™: HotBranch!™ is a fellow Canadian. Brendan W. Guy™ will soon be extirminated by Devin™ of the Mental Hospital™. Plus HotBranch!™ has a wife, AND rooted for Gilligan in his duel with Pee Wee, and guess who won. Devin™ is also from a Mental Hospital™ obviously created, or at least connected to, Professor Roy Hinkley of the Island™. He'll just sic him at Brendan™ and prove the obvious outcome of this match. Advantage: G and MA.
D: Connections: Mary Ann appeared on "ALF"™. Unfortunatley, Ginger didn't, which lessens the power a bit, but she still appeared, and ALF of course is a former Grudge-Match™ champion against E.T. Advantage: MA and G (note I place MA before G this time).
C: Connections II: The Flintstones live in the universe that will later become the world of The Jetsons. Jean Vander Pyl, the voice of Wilma, is the voice of their Robot Maid™ Rosie. That gives her a part machine advantage, and since Rosie's job is to clean up, she may have a knack for finding stuff laying around. Advantage: W and B.
D: Whose Around Today: Tina Louise, Judith Baldwin and Dawn Wells are still alive an' actin'. Jean Vander Pyl and Bea Benaderet (the original Betty) died of Lung Cancer™ and Gerry Johnson- what ever did happen to her? Let's review the live actors: Elizabeth Perkins is appearing in Piles of Bull$#^!™ like "28 Days" and "Cats and Dogs". Rosie O'Donnell has already been Out-Wallowed™ by Roseanne. That takes care of the first movie. Kristen Johnson hasn't been in anything since "Viva Rock Vegas" and Jane Krakowski hasn't either (although she may star in an upcoming Pile of Bull$#^!™ called "The Ice Age"). Advantage: G and MA.
E: Well, Wilma does have a small dinosaur who may or may not have posed (hopefully it was just someone else in a suit) for Barney in his Legendary Match™ against Wesley Crusher, who is currently on Bloodlust™. Wait a minute- isn't Barney the name of Betty's hubby? Advantage: W and B
F: Legendary Match™: Legendary Matches™ have always meant something. Gary Coleman, after destroying Webster in an alley, sparked a series of brutal murders of Steve Urkel and Niles Crane. Mr. T's victory over Mr. Clean has made him a Grudge-Match™ Saint™. The Enterprise's loss to the Death Star started Star Trek Must Lose™. The French Army's failure to beat The English Soccer Hooligans™ showed us the quality of French fighting. And The Rotweiler's Weight in Chihuahuas™ taught us another valuable lesson about life (now what was it again?). Pee-Wee Herman vs. Gilligan is a Legendary Match™ (or at least will be soon). Advantage: G and MA
G: Companies™: Who owns Gilligan's Island™'s (tm) again? Whatever. And the Flintstones are owned by Hanna Barbera™, owners of Scooby Doo (who lost to X-Files). The X-Files deals with aliens. In the series "Gilligan's Planet", we learned Ginger and Mary Ann, as well as the other cast aways, have been to space, and may have met the Life Forms™ that were responsible for the amusement park killings and Scooby's loss. And that includes the Alien Life Form™. Mulder and Scully, I recall, took home the Extra-Terrestial™ after he was left behind when ALF™. The castaways have a major advantage. Point: G and MA
This match is Babe-A-Licious. The babes are Ginger and Mary Ann.
- Bluefire72 (who is still pissed at Tom Hanks for being a Robinson Crusoe wannabe)
Okay, I have to say it's Wilma and Betty. Definitely. I mean, these are women who use dinosaurs as household appliances! They'll probably just sic Dino on Ginger and Mary Ann, and then use their handy pterodactyl metal detectors to find the key. Also, as far as incentives go, Wilma and Betty have the ultimate one. They have never owned a different outfit for their entire lives! Even when they are shown as kids, they still have miniature versions of those same outfits. So, not only are they married (to cavemen), but they are in desperate need of new clothes.
The Bedrock ladies are gonna rock the Big Brother house, hands-down.
This one truly is more simple than Barney's poor excuse for brain matter. What it comes down to is evolution. Everyone knows the theory. Back in the day (as in millions of years ago), man was stupid, as in, would probably eat shoes before tieing them. And the age old stereotype is in effect, the dumber you are, the buffer you are (usually/or in theory.) Therefore it would only make sense that, if Fred Flinstone can manage to move a DINOSAUR named Dino off of his body with his brute strength, that Wilma and Betty would beat the living idiotic (and wannabe flirt) snot out of Ginger and Mary Ann. No contest. Things might look a little like this:
1-The sheer brute strength of Wilma and Betty is apparent by the size of their muscles.
2-Mary Ann runs away like the pansy little wench she is, leaving Ginger to fight against two physically superior beings.
3-Considering Ginger isn't any more intelligent than most plant-life on the planet, she wouldn't have a chance to even TRY outsmarting Wilma and Betty.
4-Ginger seeing no other recourse dives headlong at Wilma and lands face first on the ground. With but a flick of her wrist and sick grin, Wilma snaps Ginger's name and throws her limp body to the ground in triumph.
5- Even though the opposition is defeated, Wilma and Betty even being women (who have the uncanny ability to find ANYTHING and EVERYTHING thats ever been lost), have no chance of finding items which they don't even know. A credit card? They used rocks. Although the fight is won by the Bedrock Momma's, the overall victory is probably won by no one.
- Phat Daddy
The Cartoons win this one, I'm sorry to say. They have a power that no human can withstsnd. It is, essentialy, similar to that which barney(tm) has, a sort of saccarine-poisoning-by-proxcimity(tm) That's right, I mean pebbles. Shudder. Have you ever eaten those? The Cocoa, (only moderatly inedible) the Fruity, (about as tasty as sewage) or, dare I say it, the Cinnamon (Less apatizing than Satan's belly-button lint) Our animated friends have, of course, smuggled these weapons of mass destruction(tm) onto the set, where they had planned to reveal them on camara, gaining valuable advertisment for what is now there only source of money. (Who the hack watches The Flintstones anymore? Who went to see Viva Rock Vegas?) Realizing the havoc they can cause with this demonic substance, Wilma and Betty fling their entire supply directly into their competion's faces which, predictably, begin crumbling and melting. It's then a simple matter to waltz out tyhe door and into that shopping spree.
But the story has a happy ending.
Ginger and Mary Ann aquire superpowers from the radioactive trace elements in the cereal, and then wreak their revenge on Cartoon Network(tm), ending forever the Horror that is Cow and Chicken, Jonny Bravo, I am Weasel, Dexter's Labratory, and all Scooby Doo reruns.
And their was much rejoicing...
- Antidisestablishmentairianism (Oh damn, I forgot about the Powerpuff Girls!)
Okay, here's how it all goes down- assume that Betty and Wilma are, for the sake of being in a 3D world- are flesh and blood, pure and simple. Even then, these stone agers are about as out of correct bodily proportions as a Barbie doll. they probably can't even stand up, let alone walk around. Ginger and Mary Ann will be dragging those has-beens all over the house and undoubtably win.
- Rusty Cooledge
I gotta go with Mary Ann and Betty. Being a man with a penis, I would obviously side with the REAL, single sex objects. Brendan, you may be right, but what man would side with married, genital-removing cartoons, when you've got BALLZ!(TM) at your disposal? DUH!!
- Mr. Floppy - yeah, I know they're not sex objects anymore, but back in the day...
If you're going to mention your penis, may we suggest a moniker other than "Mr. Floppy"? - Eds.
The primary consideration in this match-up is the handcuff element. Since enemies will be handcuffed together, the search becomes a matter of beating the person who is handcuffed to you senseless, but not allowing her to cross the threshold of consciousness. In this way, one of the pair will be able to conduct the search while the other follows in a zombie-like fashion.
Such an attack on someone who has been your roommate for some time requires a strong degree of viciousness and cruelty. Therefore, cruelty level is the chief predictor of success.
With only a cursory glance, it is already clear that Welma and Betty are capable of far greater cruelty than Ginger or Mary Ann have even dreamed of. Welma and Betty routinely restrain live animals and force them to do menial tasks such as work as can-openers. These poor creatures are subject to daily torment--to Welma and Betty, inflicting this level of pain is routine.
It is for this reason that Welma and Betty would win the shopping spree.
- Arif-ul Haq
Are you kidding me? In all the years since they made their debuit, both Wilma and Betty have maintained their fighting form. And while Mary Ann is still relatively attractive, Ginger could land the role of Mrs. Howell in the upcoming "We Promise This Is The Last Gilligan's Island Renewal" special on Fox.
- Peter Smith
What a waste - why not have these two pairs simply switch places? Wilma and Betty would have Gilligan and crew off that blasted island in ten minutes, and Fred and Barney would be happier men for the rest of their days.
- The Bunyip
Dear High and Exalted Grudge Match Poobahs (TM),
Before offering my opinion on this current match, let me first give a profuse apology for my colossal gaffe in the previous grudge match which led to my siding, however grudgingly (bad pun) with the unwashed "Star Warsies" contingent. To quote Homer Simpson: "I was unaware! I WAS UNAWARE!!!" Had I possessed ANY previous knowledge of the work of Douglas Adams, I might have voted differently. Alas and Alack (TM) I have, to date, never read "Hitchhiker's Guide". But fear not! For you gentlemen have inspired me to run...nay, to SPRINT to the nearest Barnes and Noble and pick up a copy of the book so as to prevent any further atrocities as this from occuring again. *
That said, I fortunately have more than enough info on the four contestants in this battle to cast a resounding vote for Wilma & Betty. Face it, what we are looking at here could be boiled down to a question of stamina. And while Ginger and Mary Ann have survived life in the sweltering tropics (and having to put up with that shrimp Gilligan), have they ever had a VITAMIN line made in their honor. I think not. Wilma and Betty, powered by all the Vital Nutrients Kids Need Each Day (TM), make short work of the desert debutantes.
* - (Oh yes...as a further sign of my afore-mentioned penance please accept, in true Yakuza fashion, the gift of my severed left ring finger, which should be arriving your way via U.P.S. delivery in Seven To Ten Business Days (TM). Thank you.
- RoboGoober98 (holding his Hari-Kari blade high)
"In accordance with strict FCC game show rules, the handcuffs have been certified as being slip-proof when used on cartoon characters."
This seems to imply that the handcuffs can be slipped by actual people. Thus, G and MA split up, find the prize and are happy. W and B are sent to whatever hell awaits those who fail on stupid TV shows, and are sad.
- Inspectah Mac
I just have to support the side that butchers its own brontosauri. Gentlemen, that's women.
- The Nestbeschmutzer ("Here, Dino, Dino, Dino...")
Really, to tell you the truth, I stopped paying attention after Brendan starting talking about testicles.
- Grudge-Pops: "We didn't know there were spider eggs in 'em!"
Okay, when I think of Wilma & Betty in a fight, I think of an obscure Flinstones flic, "The Man Called Flintstone". In this movie, first we find out that Fred Flintstone has a look-alike named "Rock Slag" - who is "irresistable to women"
So Wilma bagged him...but we continue...
Fred has to fill in for Rock Slag, who has his congestion taken care of as "Ali" and "Bobo" beat the snot out of him.
So, Fred flies off with Wilma, Pebbles, and Rubbles in tow.
As Fred Flintstone bumbles from Paris to Rome, he has to deal with an agent named Tanya, finally rendezvousing with her at "Papa Piccolo's Pizza Place" - and lo & behold, Wilma sees him dancing with her. She leaves in a huff.
At this point, Rock Slag, secret agent extraordinare, comes around...
AND GETS THE SHIT KICKED OUT OF HIM BY WILMA AND BETTY
Wilma + Betty > Secret Agent
Gee, who does this go to? My vote goes for the animated ones.
- A Man Called Tristan
Two words: Fred Flintstone (TM by Hanna-Barbara)
In the early episodes of "Flintstones," when Barney had a less dopey voice and Dino was blue instead of purple, Fred was quite the single male (despite being married). He was rude, obnoxious, and would go on his annoying money making schemes. I remember one episode where Wilma actually threatened to leave him, and move back to her mother's. Ow!
This wasn't kid's material.
But she didn't leave him, as we all know. She perservered, gave birth to Pebbles, and eventually made Fred into a more G-rated man. If she can withstand Early Fred, then the two no-name snooks from a forgotten sitcom are pushovers.
What about Betty Um........I forgot all about her. Oh well, Wilma alone can handle this Grudge Match.
- Remember those PG-rated MGM cartoons? With the horny wolf?
Let's look at both sets within their respective groups...
Fred, Wilma, Betty, and Barney: Wilma and Betty are the brains of this outfit, and can always seem to do whatever the hell they feel like. They get away with anything, and always have to get their husbands out of trouble. They're obviously smart enough to find the prize.
Gilligan, the Skipper, the Professor, Mr. and Mrs. Howell (the Millionaire and his wife), Ginger, and Mary Ann...they've come so far... Here on Gilligan's Isle! (or was it Island? I can't remember): Okay, this is a very large and mixed group, but the obvious brains of the operation is the Professor. He did everything! He made a radio out of a coconut, for Christ's sake! And still he couldn't fix a hole in the side of a boat... He's an idiot savante... Not too bright. And don't get me started on Mary Ann or Ginger. Their jobs were basically to stand there and look pretty. No brains at all.
So on the merits of how intelligent each is, I'm going to say Betty and Wilma find the prize in the bedroom while Mary Ann and Ginger look for three hours, and then get stuck in the bathtub for the remainder of the show, then get stuck in reruns for the rest of eternity.
Oh yeah, you can't let this match go by without asking the age-old question... Who is hotter, Mary Ann or Ginger?
- Rob the Turkey
Yes, Mary Ann and Ginger have been around Giligan for awhile and may be used to failing, but they've also been around the Proffesor. Within minutes Mary Ann and Ginger fashion a crude nuclear reactor out of doorknobs and dinner plates. Using these nuclear reactors, matress springs, coconuts, a candle and a britney Spears CD, make super powered roller skates. In fiften minutes they've found the credit card and the key and are heading out the door. But then, the results of hanging around Giligan and trip over a floor mounted camera. Wilma and Betty Grab the key and card and walk straight out the door. Also, in the next few days, the house floats out to sea where it becomes the the hit T.V. show. "Mary Ann's Island".
After wrestling pointy things away from bam-bam who, although it was never mentioned on the show, is the love child of Betty and a certain Clark Kent and carrying a very inebriated Fred home from his club meeting, the eternally youthful Wilma and Betty are in the best shape of their life.
While the sexually frustrated, idiotic (come-on who couldn't tell that Gilligan was gay?) ginger and Mary Ann are wasting away to nothing on their diet of water and coconuts.
Wilma and Betty tear through them like The Hulk through a prostitute.
- -Ender Wiggin & Michael Clark
I posed the scenario to my fiancee, and she said that married women must shop in order to alleviate the stress and burden of their oafish husbands. Besides, didn't anyone see "Clan of the Cave Bear"?
- The Genie
Sadly, neither pair of women will get the much-needed chance to shop till they drop!
As our two teams search frantically for the reward items, the television monitors in the head studio for whatever the heck station it is that carries Big Brother (I don't know or care, myself) become staticy, and a series of oddly-shaped shadowy images appear on them. Suddenly, a monotone-sounding voice echoes from the screens.
"Greetings, citizens of Earth, it is I, the Brain, your future world leader--" voices are heard murmering in the background "--yes, yes... and er... a few of my... comrades... who have joined together with me for a greater good."
The screens' images become clear to reveal a bald-headed short guy in a silver jumpsuit, a small white mouse with an enormous cranium, a teenage girl with light brown hair and a mechanical arm, and a short green boy with rectangular pupils and zipper-like teeth.
"This fffffilthy 'GAME show' of yours is destroying the minds of this planet!" barks the little boy, bulging his eyes out like veiny baseballs. The bald guy adds his two cents while sticking his pinky toward his mouth. "If this phenomenon continues for much longer, the entire civilization of Earth will have a lower collective IQ than a jar of marmalade!" "And no self-respecting mad scientist," states the girl plainly, "would feel good about conquering a world of idiots!"
The owner, manager, boss, thing of the network stands up, glaring hatefully at the screens. "You fools!" he shouts, "your pirate broadcast is being shown on the airwaves even as we speak! What do you WANT anyway?"
"Our mission is SIMPLE, huuuuuman!" hisses the green child, "Cease the airing of this empty-headed drivel or we'll be forced to take drastic actions!"
"NEVER!" shrieks the station manager.
"Have it your way." sighs Baldy, as the mouse steps calmly on a red button and the girl pulls on a lever. Instantly, America is treated to the sight of the Big Brother house bursting into flames as the four TV legends are inside, screaming in agony. Over the heart- stopping image, the cackling laughter of the four terrorists is heard.
"I'm sorry it had to come to that," mutters the large-headed rodent, "however, we will not hesitate to do the same with many of your other beloved television broadcasts if you do not make any attempts to raise the intelligence of the populace."
The screen then shuts off and the four anti-heroes congratulate each other. They then go on to eradicate the existance of such television abominations as Survivor, Mtv, and the Man Show. Along the way, they also destroy people such as Brenden for fabricating the lie that men are worthless, drooling fools. After all of this, they engage in a heated battle over who shall rule the world, but that's another Grudge Match altogether...
(personally, my vote would go for either Invader Zim or Jordan Kennedy -visit exploitationnow.com if you don't know who that is- but that's me...)
- The Amazing Servo-Crowation Man!!!
First the fact that W&B are mainly cartoons is irrelevant. There have been two live action flintstones movies.
To reiterate in it's most basic terms. Wilma shares a body that used to be a playmate.
Now Consider the relative powers.
Wilma; Manages to keep an intact house in the face of a primordial uber-male who would make Tim Taylor hand in his tool kit. This primordial hulk was also backed up by the ancestrial guild to the freemasons and the first alien contact, in other words the Illumaniti. She has managed to cook brontosaurus burgers larger than tables on basic fire stoves within a day and lift them. She's matha stewart on steroids.
Betty; A bit weaker than wilma since barney isn't as much of a challenge but still capable of doing a supermarket trip in a world where dinosaurs run free. For comparison look at jurassic park where more 'modern' people get eaten just going down to the boats.
Now the competiton
Ginger; Hollywood starlet. The only known ability of this type is to be vacous and hope for their agent to find them a break. She was stuck on an island with a multimillionaire and didn't make a move on him suggesting she wasn't even a good starlet. This leaves at odds of two to one
Mary ann; Nice innocent girl from next door.
Final word; Club/rolling pins. The ultimate weapon
Wilma and Betty are bound to win for a very simple reason - sex drive. Being married they will have abstained from engaging in any nefarious sexual activities within the house. Now desperate for relief, and offered a chance to escape to make love to the only people they legally can, Wilma and Betty will be spurred on to a suprisingly fast victory. Leaving the house, they will no doubt bundle their husbands into the nearest alleyway and go to it like rutting pigs.
Ginger and Mary Ann however have no such desperation. They will have been 'experimenting' inside the house to relieve themselves of boredom. Now they are changed together, and being in such exciting circumstances, the two will probably find themselves in the bathroom, 'looking' for the cards etc. Allow me to demonstrate...
In the bathroom...
Ginger - They're not here!
Camera pans to outside bathroom. Moans and cries are heard from inside. The Big Brother producer wishes they had installed bathroom cameras...
- Shadow Judge
Mary Ann and Ginger all the way, and I'm not even a guy.
Two reasons are all that's needed. First, as demonstrated by the latest "Bedazzled" movie and Hillary Clinton, Satan is a woman. Stereotypical women apparently can't pass up an oppurtunity to shop (and you just don't get much more stereotypical than the sweet farm girl next door and the Movie Star, two extremes of existential femininity). As demonstrated by the Exorcist, the devil likes to take on the form of a sweet young naive girl. Mary Ann would be perfect. Or the devil can take on the form of a famous international celebrity, i.e. Barbara Streisand. Ginger would be easy pickings. So: Satan is a woman, women can't stay away from an oppurtunity to shop, and the devil wouldn't be caught dead in Wilma's hairdo or Betty's dress. Ginger and Mary Ann have the stamina, which brings me to point two: any female who can stay on a deserted island for eight thousand years with a lecherous old man and three bachelors - two of whom are Navy boys - and come away not pregnant are obviously forces not to be tampered with.
- The Spokeswoman
Having no choice in wardrobe for decades in syndication, I would imagine Ginger and Mary Ann are probably more desperate for a new wardrobe than Joan and Melissa Rivers in a Wal-Mart right now.
Please, is this about desireability? No, this is about finding stuff. On one hand we have a farm girl and a movie star and on the other, a tolerant wife and...well...a tolerant wife. Who do you call in to get the job done? Honey, I can't find my keys.
By the way, I'm not married.
I could find more Wilma/Betty porn then Ginger/Mary Ann porn on the web so I voted for Wilma/Betty. Just promise me no more Ted Kennedy versus Boris Yeltsen type contests and more of these types of matches.
This is sooooo wrong. Wilma & Betty in bondage gear fighting Ginger & Mary Ann in bondage gear?
That's just plain wrong.
Who gives a damn about them wearing more clothing? Let's get these chicks stripped down and wrestling in a vat of tapioca. That's about the only way your getting me to watch Big Brother.
- The Other White Meat (VooDooPork)
My idiot brother, who shall remain nameless as I don't want anybody to know we're actually related, wrote "Hotbranch 3:16" in the dirt in the side of my car a few weeks ago, and when I got pulled over for doing 60 in a 45, the cop let me off with a warning, specifically because of my having "Hotbranch 3:16" written on the side of my car.
So this isn't really a vote for Mary Ann and Ginger, more a vote for Hotbranch, since he got me out of a speeding ticket.
- My name is Tiny, but don't let that fool you, because in real life, I'm very big
So how the hell am I supposed to get out of a speeding ticket? - HB!
Remember 'Who Framed Roger Rabbit'? Cartoons kick butt. Remember 'Encino Man'? Stone-age people kick butt. Stone-age cartoons? What dp you think...
p.s. sorry for the 'Encino Man' reference. I usually avoid any and all comments that may arouse thought about Paulie Shore.
- The People vs. Crappy Ealry Nineties Comedians
Thinkmaster has set up a Royal Commission on findiing a suitable punishment for your heinous error. For now, please strap yourself to a chair and watch the Phantom Menace DVD's Jar-Jar Binks outakes for the next 48 hours. - Eds. (we're cruel, but not fair)
This match is as unfair as Calista Flockhart vs. a strong gust of wind. Wilma and Betty all the way.
- Mixmaster Flibble
Wait...who's Ginger and Mary Ann?
- The Younger Generation (If ya ask me, we need to be smacked.)
This is an extremely tough match because the teams have a number of similarities:
Both appeared on popular cult TV programs in the 1960's.
Both have appeared in lame films based on their respective series (those dreadful Flintstone live-action theatrical films and those dreadful made-for-TV "Gilligan's Island" movies.
Both have had plans on their respective shows frustrated by the dumb men they are surrounded by.
About the only advantage that Team Bedrock has is that, since they are cartoon characters, they are indestructible by conventional weapons. However, this advantage is largely cancelled out by the fact that the women on Team Gilligan have been on that island for years and look none the worse for wear. To understand that achievement, consider what happened with Tom Hanks' character in "Cast Away". After four years on that island, he looked like death warmed over. So, even the seeming advantage of being a cartoon is neutralized.
However, there is one factor that will decide this match. Best of all, it has lots of real world examples to back it up. The members of Team Flintstone are from a stone-age culture. True, it resembles our culture to some degree, but it can be considered stone-age. On the other hand Team Gilligan hails from our modern culture. Anyone who remembers anything from history class in school knows that, when two cultures meet, the primitive stone age culture usually succumbs to diseases introduced by the modern culture.
Don't believe me? Consider that within fifty years of the discovery of the New World, large fractions of the native populations of the Caribbean, Mexico, and Peru were dead from diseases brought by the Spanish conquerors. In some cases, whole tribes were wiped out.
Since Team Bedrock is from a primitive culture and they are in close proximity to Team Gilligan (from our culture), Wilma and Betty will be bombarded by diseases that they have no resistance to. While the producers of "Big Brother" won't let them die, they will be too sick to continue the search and spend the rest of the time in the hospital while Ginger and Mary Ann have the whole contest to themselves.
Now all that has to be done is to somehow rescue Julie Chen from having to do commentary for "Big Brother"...
- The Demented Astronomer
What can Ginger do? Put on makeup and flirt with guys, what can Mary Ann do? Bake Pies. When danger is around what do they do? Panic.The Professor had to solve the problems and he's not in this match up without him they are lost.
On the Flinestones Fred and Barney always got into trouble and who came to there rescue? Wilma and Betty. Wilma punched out a dinosaur that was chasing Fred and say beat it buster, and he did. Two punches from her and it's bye bye Ginger and Mary Ann. Betty had a son BamBam who could toss around Fred Flinestone, so if she can handle him Ginger and Mary Ann would be easy.
Consider the lifestyle of the modern Stone Age family. Bio-based labor-saving devices all over the house. Afternoons and/or nights spent in front of the boob tube (boob boulder?) watching soaps, prize fights, variety shows and The Late, Late, Late Show. No hunting or gathering for the citzens of Bedrock; every food you could want is either neatly packaged at the local grocer or delivered right to your door. Sure, they have to use foot-power to move their cars, but in the case of Betty & Wilma, this motive power is provided through the courtesy of Fred's two feet. These people make Hotbranch's goldfish Fluffy look like an aerobics instructor.
Meanwhile, the life of a castaway may be simple, but it is by no means easy. They want something, they have to find it or make it. The struggle to keep body and soul together, get off the island and suppress the overwhelming urge to eviscerate Gilligan has made these women disciplined and ultra-tough.
No matter where the key and credit card are or who finds them, the result will be the same. The castaway member of each duo will slap her animated "partner" silly and drag her as necessary until the contest is won. Not only will they win, but Ginger and Mary Ann might just drive the network into bankruptcy with that credit card. Their wardrobes are about 35 years out of date and with all those folks voted out there's a lot of empty closet space in the Big Brother house. Given that, 6 hours is like an eternity.
- Mr. Silverback- Laboring on Labor Day to bring you a fresh bowl of hot steaming Grudgeness.
This match is just plain sick. I don't think either paring will survive. Should somebody let loose the fact that the girls have already missed the labor day blowout sales that most stores have, that somebody should be tried for homicide. Last year when my ex- girlfriend missed a Labor Day sale, she was despondant for a month.
I only shudder in horror when I think of the potential impact that information would have upon the psyches of the women involved. This match can only end in tears (and alot of blood) for both sides.
- That guy, who did that one thing at that party somewhere.
Two Words: Babe Factor(tm)
Well, ok, a few more words.
Ginger and Mary Ann: Unmarried, and attainable. Lets face it, what guy hasn't wanted to be trapped on an island with them? Ginger and Mary Ann have but to snap their fingers and 150,000,000 American Men (patent pending) will rush the Big Brother house and shred Wilma and Betty like paper. ...wait a sec, they are paper.
Wilma and Betty: Married, and therefore unatainable. Oh, and just in case no one noticed, they are badly drawn cartoons and no one wants to have them anyway.
- The Phantom
It has been theorized that the entire Gilligan's Island(TM) Show was nothing more than a front for the Seven Deadly Sins(TM). For those who don't know (or shouldn't know if they haven't watched Seven), the seven Deadly Sins are "Gluttony", "Greed", "Pride", "Wrath", "Sloth", "Lust", and "Envy".
In the original "Seven Sins Of Gilligan's Island" theory(TM), Ginger was labelled as the "Lust" incarnate (I know that HotBranch would like to spend a wonderful night with her(TM)) , while Mary- Ann was labelled as "Envy" (given the fact that she's always jealous of Ginger's dashing looks). But with the absense of the rest of the Gilligan's Island(TM) cast, the four competitors must share the five remaining sins.
Certainly we can connect "Gluttony" to Betty for one reason and two words: Rosie O'Donnell (TM).
"Greed" is given to Wilma as her husband was once made Vice-President of Industrial Procurement (whatever that means), a position with a salary that would pay off my bills and debts for the next 100 years. Don't forget that good ol' Wilma also gorged from the proceeds of that feast as well while poor Betty suffered.
For those who did see the actual Seven Movie, the "Pride" sin revolved around a woman who always loved her good looks but had an awful personality inside. Who, among the four competitors also had a lot of Pride in her looks? Easy, Ginger does. (Yet another reason why HotBranch would like to spend a wonderful night with her (TM).) "Pride" is given to Ginger Grant.
"Sloth" is difficult to connect. Ginger and Mary Ann did alot of the work on the Island compared to their male counterparts. Wilma is always seen as the busy Housewife to Fred, who fits the "Sloth" bill nicely, but unfortunately, he is not the competitor in this match. After careful consideration, I have decided that "Sloth" will go to Betty. Besides, I don't recall seeing Betty doing serious housework in ANY episode of the Flintstones. All I ever see her do is do the ol' "CHAAAARGE IT!!!"(TM) dance in the Bedrock Shopping Mall(TM).
As for good ol' Fred Flintstone, he has witnessed one too many times a Wife Scorned. Wilma is also the daughter of the dreaded and feared "Mother-In-Law" (once played by "The Dreaded Monster formerly known as Elizabeth Taylor"(TM)). By the rules of Fact and Inheritance, Wilma gets "Wrath".
(For those who did not witness the "Mother-In-Law" in action in both the Movie and Cartoon, WHERE THE !#@$#$%@!!! HAVE YOU BEEN????!!!?!?!??)
So Ginger and Mary Ann share three sins between them whereas Wilma and Betty share four. One would think that the Babes from Gilligan's Island(TM) would win by attrition. But Consider, who is the mysterious party who trapped (and psychologically tortured) these four women here for so long? Who was the one who came up with the idea for a Contest which would likely end up in Cartoon/Non-Cartoon Blood(TM) and Cartoon/Non-Cartoon Gore(TM)? The Network Producers Of This Show(TM)?
Nice Try, but the Network Producers(TM) are basically nothing more than an instrument of a Higher Power(TM) bent on brainwashing the inhabitants of the Internet with this blood, guts, and gore. The same Higher Power(TM) who actually penned the idea for this contest.
Grudge-Match(TM) is Satan(TM). Think about it(TM).
- The Ever-Paranoid Tahna Los
wilma is a flintstone and betty is a rubble what more need be said well they work with captain caveman as the original angels who casper and hairy scairey work with somewhere in the future
- the fight that made the bedrock
Since Ginger just stands around looking glamorous and Mary Ann will probably bake a pie, Wilma and Betty win this match. But the fun starts after Wilma and Betty win.
The Flintstones are rated G. How many stores carrying leopard prints are going to family oriented? Not many. It will take Wilma and Betty 3 hours just to find a store that does carrying leopard prints but does not carry...um...bedroom accessories for adults.
Typically, Wilma and Betty wear pelts. Imagine the fun they'll have trying to get to into the store. They'll have to get past the "fur is murder"-sign-wielding protestors first.
Even when they do find a store, they're in for a rude awaking.
Ginger and Mary Ann are single. If they had won, they would know how to shop without men. Wilma and Betty are married and will have difficulty buying things without men around. With their victory, shopping will be fun to watch.
Wilma: "Oh, I've got to try this on. Fred, can you hold my purse?
Oops. He's not here."
Oh, what a vengefully glorious sight it will be to see Wilma and Betty return from the fitting room only to see an empty bench rather than the usual seeing two bored blokes sitting there hanging onto their purses.
I can picture their expressions when they realize the disappearance of the guys they found to hold their belongings. They'll learn one of life's hard lessons: Not every man is as stupid and gullible as your husband.
Being wives give the key-finding advantage to Wilma and Betty. Their reliance on having whipped husbands to help with the shopping gives the entertainment advantage to us spectators.
- Mark -- What? Are they too good to buy Grudge Match apparel via the web?
This contest may be merely for a shopping parole, but it may well provide the edge in morale needed to endure the rest of the show(I mean being on it, though watching it is hard enough). In their minds, therefore, they are playing to win the whole ball of wax. Now, what does winning entail? Staying in the house the longest. Who has the greatest motivation to stay? Presumably, those who would be returning to the worse situation when they leave.
When Ginger and Mary Ann go, they head back to their deserted island.
When Wilma and Betty leave, they head back to their households, complete with infant children.
Anyone who has had, seen, or been a baby will tell you that Wilma and Betty will do anything not to go back home. HotBranch! should have realized this, having a young one in his house(hereafter referred to on this site as HotTwig!), but apparently his zombie-like matrimonial state took his memory as well as, er, other things.
(Incidentally, Betty outlasts Wilma at the end. What did you expect: her baby swings a club, for Pete's sake.)
- Call me Shane
My brain is overloading with the image of Betty and Mary Ann chained together, so bear with me, this response may come out a bit garbled.
The first thing we have to consider is which pair knows better how to locate items . Wilma and Betty, despite their prehistoric environment, are pretty domesticated. Ginger and Mary Ann, on the other hand, have lived pretty much as gatherers for their little tribe for years. Unless Wilma and Betty have luck on their side, they're not going to get the key or the credit card first.
That may be a moot point, however, since they're both attached by the handcuffs... the really kinky handcuffs... that... inalterably bind the two pairs of hot chicks together... ghghghghghghgh... *drool*
No! Bad brain! Stop that! Anyway, their stuck together with the, the handcuffs, which means that unless one of them manages to obtain one of the items without the other noticing, which is rather unlikely, they're going to fight each other. Punching, kicking, scratching, tearing clothes... and... and... An-anyway, there's gonna be a fight. Now, I imagine baby elephants weigh more than modern vacuum cleaners, and that cars must be hard to drive with your feet, but despite this, Wilma and Betty are still housewives. They've got animals to help them do their work. Ginger and Mary Ann have been living on an island with no modern stone-age conveniences. You build your own hut, you start to get some real muscle tone. Face it, unless Wilma has some secret knowledge of fighting while handcuffed, the island girls have it.
Wilma handcuffed... *droooool...*
- Infraggable Krunk
I don't know if you noticed, but Ginger is a full-fledged movie star. From various cameos on the Flintstones from such stars as Stoney Curtis, both Wilma and Betty go BERSERK from just being near a celebrity. Stars in their eyes and everything. With both Wilma and Betty neutralized (they'll give up the key for an autograph), this really isn't a contest at all.
- My name is Kenny
I am pleased to say that I have never seen a complete U.S. episode of "Big Brother." (I watched part of its first episode because it came after "Survivor", but Julie Chen was way too perky to stomach.) Thus, my commentary must be based upon my five months overseas when I saw the Portuguese version. Now, Europe is much more lax about certain things, such that the Lisbon rendition (which is the only one I'm familiar with) showed full-frontal nudity. Since "Big Brother" has had perennial disappointments with the Nielsens in the U.S., and the producers have been desperate enough to put in cartoon celebrities, it's a safe guess that all four participants will somehow lose their clothes at some point in the process. This would be initially disturbing for Wilma & Betty, being from an earlier time, but they would soon recover (they're sketchy '60s animated drawings, for goodness' sake, so there's not much to show) and proceed with the race. Movie-actress Ginger would have few compunctions at all about competing in the buff, but girl-next-door Mary Ann would be absolutely mortified, even without her exposure being broadcast to millions (well, okay, thousands) of viewers. As a result, the straight-laced Kansan's top priority would be getting and staying covered up, and Ginger can't win hauling that dead weight. So, this one ends as a (pre-)historic win for the Hanna-Barbera team. (And I could put in an R-rated pun about "Bedrockers" here, but I won't.)
- Matt Bricker
A coconut radio's cool and all, but my money's on the chicks with the velociraptor trash compactor.
- Plain Vanilla Lisa
© 2001, Dragon Hamster Productions, LLC