Whoopi Goldberg: And look at the Oscar! Man, what a lucky piece of (CENSORED)! His whole body is a (CENSORED)! Talk about (CENSORED)! Mother(CENSORED)! At home, I take mine and (EXTENDED CENSORED)! O (LONG STRING OF CENSORED)! That's right! (CENSORED) [Audience in a frenzy of forced laughter.]
OK, now it's time for our next (CENSORED) award. Here to present the award for "Worst Actress" is Hollywood's biggest couple, last year's winner Pamela Anderson and her fiancee Godzilla. [Applause]
Pamela Anderson: Some of you may be aware that the past year has been pretty rough for me. When times got really tough and I wasn't sure how to cope, I thought to myself: "Self, what does Julie Andrews do when she is afraid?" She whistles! [Attempts a really lame whistle, audience "awes."] And I taught Godzilla to whistle too. Godzy, why don't you show them.
[Godzilla "whistles" and "accidentally" releases his atomic breath. Tommy Lee and the rest of Motley Crue in the first row are turned into cinders. The audience laughs hysterically and then provides a standing ovation.]
Pamela Anderson: Wow, hot one. [smiling] The "Worst Actress" Oscar is awarded to the actress who does the worst job portraying her character or characters. Our nominees are:
Elizabeth Berkeley for Showgirls
(Movie clip plays: Gina Gershon looks at Elizabeth Berkley's chest and says "You have nice (CENSORED). I like nice (CENSORED)." Berkley replies "I like having nice (CENSORED).")
Cindy Crawford for Fair Game
(Movie clip plays: After just getting out of the shower, Cindy runs for her life, with Billy Baldwin leading. After a thrilling chase, Cindy feels the need for another shower.)
Madonna for Who's That Girl
(Movie clip plays: After the priest asks if there are any objections to the wedding, Madonna shouts from a wall "I do! The groom is in love with me!" Several extras "faint" when their hearing aids explode.)
Tori Spelling for Beverly Hills 90210
(Television clip plays: West Beverly High at Halloween, Tori is meekly whimpering as she engages in a valiant but ultimately futile struggle to figure out how to walk in a mermaid costume.)
and finally, Julia Sweeney for It's Pat
(Movie clip plays: Pat falls down a flight of stairs and moans "I crushed my nuts!" Julia then takes several broken walnuts from her pockets in a typical "guess again" way.)
Pamela Anderson: And the Oscar goes to...
MR. SILVERBACK: Gentlemen, I'm going to concede right from Jump Street that you all have very strong cases. Each of the ladies you're backing has been responsible for many reels of genuine celluloid root canal. But even if she wasn't the very worst of the lot (and she is), Madonna would have a lock on this one due to sheer motivation. Think about it; the singing tombstone angels in the "Oh Father" video, the romance with the religious statue in the "Like A Prayer" video, the Playboy interview where she said that crucifixes are sexy...it's clear that the woman has a fixation with religious statuary that may be sexual in nature and almost certainly involves some sort of psychosis. And what's the prize tonight? Not only a statue, not only a golden idol worshipped throughout the entertainment industry, but a statue of a muscular, naked man. Madonna's got THE RAGE from being denied the Oscar before, and she has the money, power and uhhhhh, "people skills" to back it up. Rigging the vote-counting by the boys down at Price-Waterhouse should be child's play.
But the best part is that she won't need to rig it. The bad acting in Who's that Girl alone is enough to win her the Worst Actress Oscar every year until a decade after she's dead. As for her opponents, multiple viewings of Fair Game, Showgirls, It's Pat and 90210 have indeed been proven to cause cancer in lab rats. However, the same rats commit mass suicide ten minutes into Body of Evidence. PETA got a court injunction against showing them Who's That Girl, but I think we could expect similar results if we tried it. Who won the Razzie award for bad acting eight times? Madonna. Who won the Razzie for Worst Actress of the Decade? Madonna. Who's going to take the hardware home tonight? Three guesses, folks, and Milton Berle ain't one of them.
PAUL: Milton Berle winning the Oscar is only slightly less amusing than your ridiculous belief that an amateur like Madonna would win over a professional like Julia Sweeney. Madonna has so many ways to suck: singing new music nobody likes, "performing" on stage and having the skankiest lovers ever. She is the jack of all trades and the master of, well, bating. However, acting is all that Julia Sweeney can do. It's Pat is, to date, her only leading role in a big movie. She even helped write it. This film represents Julia Sweeney's heart and soul. And this pinnacle of her career paid off in an microscopic $60,822 gross at the US box office! To be that bad is hard to do ON PURPOSE and this is the BEST she can do.
If that wasn't enough, It's Pat is the worst SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE movie ever made in a distinguished line of badness. Of all the one joke, unfunny, exhausted sketches brought to the screen, this one takes the cake. Did anyone ever really care if Pat is male or female, much less need a movie? Hell, no! And Julia didn't even have the decency to try an emotion beside "annoying" even once. To brainchild and perform something this stupid takes talent folks, and talent walks away with Oscars.
NURSE JENSEN: I would like to advise you that John (Thinkmaster General) is resting peacefully following the sudden onset of Post-Traumatic Showgirls Disorder resulting from his participation in this match. He is currently staring at the ceiling with glazed eyes, and muttering the words "Please... higher... quality... porn..." over and over again.
Despite not having watched Showgirls since late 1996, the psychological wounds associated with this anti-epic tale of an exotic dancer with lofty dreams of becoming a more highly paid exotic dancer were apparently deep and long-lasting enough to reduce John to his present state of catatonia. And who can blame him? Elizabeth Berkley's star turn here managed to cheapen even a Joe Eszterhas script. Her two-hour long protracted hissy fit evokes memories of performers fully one-eighth her age. And hello! A Showgirl should be able to dance??? There have been less wooden performances from the cast of Fireball XL-5 or Saved By the... no, wait, that's not fair.
John is recovering slowly, but tragically he may have lost forever the ability to fantasize about Gina Gershon. Won't you please help John and others like him by recognizing the sheer awfulness of Berkley's portrayal and giving her the award she so richly deserves: Worst Actress.
BRENDAN: Come on people, this award begins and ends with Tori Spelling. Her role on 90210 as Donna: Patron Saint of Virginity singlehandedly destroyed the chastity movement in this country and has directly caused more teen pregnancies and AIDS cases than alcohol, Baywatch, and Bill Clinton combined.
Her dad is the closest thing to God in the entire television industry, and she still hasn't been able to find any other work than 90210. When you can't even use the power of nepotism to find real work, you know you're bad.
In the movie Scream, Neve Campbell makes fun of Tori. When Neve Campbell, whose acting could put a rutting ram to sleep, looks down on your acting skills, you know you're really bad.
And several years back Tori actually had a role on Saved By the Bell as Screech's girlfriend. When you are so desperate for work that you'll pretend to be hot for Screech, you know you have to be the worst actress on the planet. No one is better at being bad than Tori Spelling. Please give the girl her award.
VLAD: Okay, guys, here's where it gets tricky...
After these horrible efforts, all the other girls have performed in something else. Julia Sweeney has had success with her new monologue. Madonna has had critical acclaim with Ray of Light. Elizabeth Berkley will be getting more roles. Tori Spelling, well...she's still on TV. Cindy has only Fair Game to her credit, because all casting agents have since sworn her off because of one simple reason: The girl cannot act her way out of a paper bag.
In the first scene of Fair Game, the only part where her lines don't consist of panting either in pleasure or exhaustion (neither of which showed conviction), she informs another lawyer about his client's shady dealings. Cindy talking about legal matters is just WRONG. It's like Cindy talking about Middle East trade relations. It's like Cindy talking about anything that doesn't deal with modeling. The only thing Cindy did with acting chops was shower and dry off (a feat which happens many times during Fair Game).
Cindy will always be a celebrity, and her acting might even get better (I actually enjoyed the episode of 3rd Rock she appeared on)...But this movie displays the worst acting talents since Nancy Kerrigan appeared on Saturday Night Live.
Please, people! For models who aspire to act everywhere, just vote Cindy! Only you can stop the unholy plague of beautiful women who should stick to the silent art form of magazine photo shoots! I beg you!
This has been an announcement paid for by the Sedate Vlad organization. Contributions are welcomed in unmarked bills.
The Worst Actress winner hugs her entourage and begins walking to the stage to accept her award.
Pamela Anderson: SHE WON?! It's not fair! I deserve the Oscar much more than her! Why wasn't I nominated? It's just not fair! BOO HOO HOO! BOO HOO HOO! [Runs to Godzilla, hugs his leg and cries on his foot.]
However, the expression on Godzilla begins to change. Already annoyed because of the hassle with customs (pet quarantine, my ass) and his low lizard tolerance for bad jokes and worse speeches, the emotional trauma of the love of his life cracks any restraint that the medication could have provided. Quickly, he spots the winner and four other nominees. With a huge roar, he powers up his atomic breath to rid Hollywood of these five irritants forever.
So, WWWF fans, will these five be...
NOTE: For those of you who were wondering where this second part of the commentary was, YOU FORGOT TO VOTE! If you voted for any of the actresses, you would have been forwarded to the inaugural and first ever special second vote. Moral of story: Vote. Use it or lose it.
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Next choice was Elizabeth Berkley. She showed the most skin, and nudity is always a good way for a Bad Actress to hide her lack of talent. However, Showgirls enjoys a cult following of midnight-movie-goers across the country who hope to make it The Rocky Horror Picture Show of this generation. The Worst Actress cannot be worshipped in a positive manner.
Then there was Julia Sweeney. It's Pat was, what, only a single box-office week short of Direct-to-Video Land? But it ain't her fault. John Belushi's untimely death ensured that no movie based on an SNL sketch could ever again be successful. Sweeney's a victim.
Cindy Crawford? I didn't see Fair Game, but from what I've heard, her role mainly consisted of looking pretty and being chased by desperate men. Since that's her day-to-day routine anyhow, she didn't need to act at all. You can't be the Worst Actress if no acting was involved.
Which brings us to Tori Spelling. She may not have had much of a showing on the Big Screen, but that's only because Daddy Aaron is wisely keeping her from making a Big Fool of herself. You can't be the Worst Actress unless someone cast you in a sincere hope that you'd do a good job.
There's only one way to settle this: Six Degrees of Kevin BaconTM. A quick consultation with The Oracle of Bacon reveals that all 5 ladies are 2 links away from Kevin Bacon. Still a tie. The tiebreaker lies in just how each one is connected:
Elizabeth Berkley -- Sarah Jessica Parker (The First Wives Club-- Kevin Bacon (Footloose). She played a bimbo, which once again invokes the non-acting disqualification.
Madonna -- Tom Hanks (A League of Their Own)-- Kevin Bacon (Apollo 13). Tom Hanks. 'Nuff said.
Tori Spelling -- Dr. Joyce Brothers (Troop Beverly Hills) -- Kevin Bacon (Hero at Large). Troop Beverly Hills came out before the start of 90210, so she can't be faulted for being a Bad Actress -- nobody knew how bad she was yet.
Julia Sweeney -- Burt Reynolds (Meet Wally Sparks) -- Kevin Bacon (Starting Over). The Bandit won in Grudge Match ClassicTM.
Cindy Crawford -- Sharon Stone (Catwalk)-- Kevin Bacon (He Said, She Said). Catwalk was a documentary about modeling. Cindy's so bad that she can't even link to Kevin Bacon through a proper movie, and thus takes the Oscar.
However, all will not be Mangled and Killed, as we know how bad these 5 are, and I'd rather endure them than seeing who would take their place.
By the way. Where was Liv "The Cross-eyed Clam" Tyler for "Armageddon"? I can't believe she was snubbed. It's all politics!
- disco volante
It's a close match, close enough that, I think, other considerations than who's the biggest talent void should be considered...
There can be little doubt that this evening will end with Godzilla's bad case of indigestion, sleeping off his fury in a very large pet carrier. (After his five-course meal, Jack Palance elbowed his way out of the audience and wrestled the beast to the ground. Fortunately, Godzilla managed to devour the participants of the closing musical number before he went down.)
In any case, exactly who wins the award is moot, since they're all food anyway. Consider, for a moment, what will happen if Cindy Crawford, or Pamela Anderson-cum[ahem]-Lee wins. They'll call onstage their family, their agent, or, best case scenario, Alec Baldwin, who will all become lizard food. A benefit to humanity, sure, but a small one. Consider, now, Tori Spelling.
She will, of course, call her father on stage, and well she should since she'd have no career if not for this horrible accident of genetics. Thus we can rid ourselves of that Bane of Braincells, Aaron Spelling.
I ask you to recall a time, a few years ago. Humanity actually seemed to be getting more intelligent. "Baywatch" had been laughed off of network television not too long before. The Berlin Wall collapsed. All was right with the world. Then a Menace from the Past emerged.
Aaron Spelling, not content with his past atrocities like the Love Boat, set out to ruin this golden age. Making contracts with Evil Powers (that is, Fox network execs), he unleashed a blinding horror on the world so that the Number of the Beast was no longer 666, but 90210. Everyone took it as a joke, something too funny to be taken seriously or be successful. Just like Adolf Hitler was.
Like a plague, it spread across the land. The faces of Shannen Doherty and, yes, Tori Spelling, became household icons. The nations of the former Eastern Bloc were torn apart by civil war. Baywatch came back in syndication. Pat Buchanon ran for president. Aaron's evil, which had by now spread to Melrose Place, had won. This time, even Ricardo Montelban couldn't stop him.
To this day, the scourge remains, like a black shadow across the land. Even the blight's runted offspring have thrived: Party of Five, Dawson's Creek. I ask you, I ask us all, KILL THE EVIL AT THE SOURCE! LET THE LESSER BEAST FEED ON THE GREATER! DEATH TO AARON SPELLING! [wipes drool off keyboard]
Poster child for Flintstone's Chewable Lithium,
- Mr. Potato Head
The fine men and women of Llama Wranglers Local 117 inform us that all positions are currently full. We'll keep your application on file. - Eds.
- Denis "And YOU made me remember it! DAMN YOU!" Moskowitz
I never saw *any* of those movies, and havn't watched a single ep of 90210 since the first season, when I was young and stupid.
- King of the Hackers
- Michael Leung
Now, we all know that the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences® is the only sanctioning body that can give out an actual Academy Award®, also known as an Oscar®. AMPAS® would never sanction this particular category in a million years (dammit), but if they did, they still would never, by their own bylaws, hand one out to a bad actress in a pop video or a television show, however deserving (and disturbing) the nominee. AMPAS® only nominates and votes on motion pictures and the people who made them from each year between ceremonies.
So Madonna is out, at least for the admittedly Ghodawful videos. She also, thankfully, has not been in a major motion picture in 1998.
Tori Spelling is out in terms of 90210. She did put in a cameo in Scream 2 in 1998, but only Marlon Brando can be nominated for a cameo. Spelling should hold out for a "Worst Supporting Actress" award, not a "Worst Actress" award.
This leaves us with Berkley, Crawford, and Sweeney.
Morton Kondracke-- your opinion?
I never saw "It's Pat"; my psychological scars go much deeper. However, having seen her other comedy, I feel qualified to say that "It's Pat" sucked due to her fighting cancer at the time. AMPAS® has a history of sympathy for people with medical problems.
I have, however, seen "Fair Game." Oh, MY, did it suck. However, it ensured that Cindy Crawford would never work in feature films again, and along with Elle Macpherson's star turn(ed ankles) in "Sirens" and "Batman and Robin," guaranteed the end of bad supermodel actressing for a little while.
This leaves us with everybody's favorite good-girl-all-grown-up, Elizabeth Berkley. You know, it's a pity she can't act. Oh, sure, you could blame the terrible script, the misogynistic direction of Joe Esterhazs, and the horrible casting (Who in Hell was that "rock star," anyway? Kenny Rogers?). You'd be right. That doesn't excuse the fact that "Saved by the Bell" pretty much stretched her talent, if not her wardrobe, to the limit.
The problem with "Showgirls" rests at the feet of Elizabeth Berkley, despite the other problems with the film, simply because ANYBODY else, even the other nominees (Julia Sweeney, even... IN THE "PAT" MAKEUP!!) could have made the Blomi... err, Nomi Malone character, more believable. The movie still would have sucked, but at least the other four alleged actresses could have risen to Joe Esterhazs's VERY low standards.
So the Oscar® goes to.... (would you open the envelope please, Gojira- san? *GRAAAAAAAAAAAaAAAAAAA!!* <Whoosh> Thank you...)
Hmmm. Shoulda held the envelope higher. My hand seems to be on fire.
(Mmm. Smells a little like pork.)
- D. B. Cooper"
- Uncle Aliester Pervy
MADE PORN LOOK BAD
Her name is cursed by pimply-faced teens and depraved adults the world over for getting them in a theatre or in front of their TV on top of a beach towel and then UTTERLY destroying their sexual drives.
"Who's that Girl" had a plot of sorts...
Cindy Crawford is a moron, yes, but she's also a goddess
"It's Pat" barely made a ripple in the entertainment industry
And Tori Spelling... ok, so Tori is a contender, but nobody FANTASIZES over Tori. Nobody is let down by her in ANY way that is even remotely sexual. But to descecrate the golden world of porn. To flaunt this... this... atrocity as sexual in any way... to sully the image of the Goddess of Porndom. THAT is unforgivable. Death is too good for her. The pain she has caused runs all the way down to our collective... well you know where, and it hurts.
Madonna to make Parasite Eve movie?
Can anyone honestly say that her lapdance scene with Kyle McLauchlan wasn't one of the best portayals of a slut by one in a very long time. She may not be able to dance, but she's got the bump and grind down pretty good. And who didn't want to see Jessie naked?
True we didn't get to see her completely naked like we wanted, but the train scene on the hood of the car with whatever Baldwin brother it was gave me chills.
Her characters name was "Nikki" She had to act bad. It's in her contract, honest! And who didn't like seeing her run really fast in those tight shirts! Also nice to see Madonna before she came down with that dreadful English accent.
Admit it, you all want to be there to watch when she finally loses it...don't you! Yes you do! All the suffering and agony will be well worth the wait when Miss Priss finally gives it up. Daddy can't find her work, but I'll be there's an adult film in her future.
This is a little hard to justify, but I think Pat is every man and woman's fantasy. I know you watched just in case we finally did have definitive proof!
It all boils down to this. Which one would you NOT want to see naked? Hard choice...isn't it?
Pro: Got the Hired for exactly two reasons and those reasons can usually sway the minds of half the voters. Long running role on Saved By the Bell means she's well known to the fantasies of Roman Polanski and Woodie Allen. Decadent show business people may vote for her out of spite toward anyone with taste. Studio execs seem to love to aknowledge Joe Eszterhas's work no matter how awful it turns out.
Con: If the award goes to an established actress, as the acadamy often votes for careers rather than performances she's out. Most of the film's awfulness can be attributed to Verhoeven and Eszterhas diminishing the impact of her performance.
Pro: Another beautiful person and we all know how Hollywood loves those. May get the "Frank Sinatra" vote for being well known in another area before branching into films.
Con: Was in a movie with Billy Baldwin and even Pauly Shore is a brilliant actor compared to him. Again, if the acadamy decides to vote for a career she's out.
Pro: Madonna has the highest Bad Actress Index(TM) of any nominee. Acadamy may vote for Madonna to make up for ignoring Evita.
Con: They had good reason for ignoring Evita. The acadamy hates Madonna in general.
Pro: Can get the nepotism vote since all of Daddy's friends will vote for her.
Con: No one has ever won an acadamy award for a TV series since they are ineligible. Easily the ugliest of all the nominees.
Pro: Played someone who might be gay and/or handicapped. Limitted release means that many voters will just assume she was awful without ever seeing the picture and deciding. Fresh in acadamy minds from the new God Said, "Ha!". Former SNL regular and we all know how well they've done.
Con: Not as well known as the other nominees.
Well, from the fields available it's obvious that the winner will be Julia Sweeney.
- Joel Mathis, who actuall saw three of those in the theater
- Evan D.
"That's RIGHT! I'd forgotten about the bionic tits and lips I've had installed!"
She then proceeds to beat the other contestants senseless with five metric tonnes of silicone, takes the statue, and, arm and arm with Godzilla, heads of to make a torrid sex film with him that is "accidentally" released to the world, which then kills 5 million bestiality fans out of shear pleasure.
The envelope, please....
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I am referring to someone who ...
... equals Cindy Crawford's one-hit blunder status.
... has a voice more annoying than Julia Sweeney as Pat, without even trying (no, really!)
... is more coma-inducing than Elizabeth Berkley.
... is more empty-headed than Tori Spelling.
... is more insipid than the most mundane of Madonna's music.
I refer, of course, to the star of one of the worst movies ever made, "Alien from LA." This is an actress (and I use that term veeeery loosely) whose every line sets your teeth on edge, who could not convey the image of falling if she were (mercifully) thrown from a cliff, who has been banned from Hollywood for excessive shallowness and vanity.
As you have no doubt guessed, the rightful winner of this award is none other than (drum roll, please) Kathy Ireland! The scenario will probably go something like this:
The audience awaits issuance of the award (actually, they're waiting for the impending incineration of the offending actresses, but I digress). The award is given (it doesn't matter to whom). Godzilla opens his mighty maw, inhales . . . and is gulps down his own fiery breath as a squeaky, nasal, nauseating little-girl voice echoes through the amphitheatre: "That's mine, bitch! Give it back."
The audience and the nominees gaze on in shock as Kathy flounces up onto the stage, grabs her Oscar, and prepares to leave.
Fortunately, at this moment, Godzilla's swallowed breath bursts out of his reptilian belly, seething out across the stage, and incinerating all the contestants as well as Pamela Anderson Lee, who escapes with only cosmetic damage as most of her internal components are synthetic anyway.
And there was much rejoicing.
- Bozo the Clone
- Master Ariadne - I mean Mara Jade - I mean Endaira
So, one by one:
1.) Julia Sweeney. Yes, "Pat" is perhaps the most godawful annoying comic creation in the history of Lorne Michaels' evil demon-spawned SNL (well, it's demonspawned since 1982 anyway). However, let us remember this: Julia Sweeney HATES Pat. With a vengeance. Pat was originally intended to be a one-off bad joke to fill time, except a bunch of inbred potato farmers in Iowa said "hyuck! That thar's some funny stuff!" and kept their collection of Neilsen boxes plugged in 24-7 to Pat. When Julia Sweeney isn't playing Pat, she's actually a gifted comic actress and a hearty, sexy babe in the best "I'm not an anorexic stick" model. Hell, Julia Sweeney was in PULP FICTION, okay? And if you see GOD SAID 'HA!', you realize she's a very, very funny lady. So, clearly Pat is an aberration, a thing that was never meant to be. Does Julia Sweeney deserve to be tarred with the brush for something she recognizes to be horrible, and never wants to touch ever again? I think not. She is easily the most unqualified for this award.
2.) Madonna. Yes, Madonna is scanky. Yes, she's a shitty dancer. Yes, the dance remix of "Don't Cry For Me Argentina" is a bad bad idea. Yes, "Ray Of Light" causes me to break out in spasms whenever I hear it. And yes, her pathetic attempts to be "mystical" by pimping out Buddhism and Kabbalism are loathsome. But she was okay in DICK TRACY and DESPERATELY SEEKING SUSAN and tolerable in EVITA (when she wasn't singing). Madonna is mediocre, even occasionally bad, but she's not "Worst".
3.) Tori Spelling. I think she sucks a whole lot. That having been said, she wasn't half bad in THE HOUSE OF YES (which surprised me), and it's a little-known fact that she got her 90210 job *without her dad knowing about it*. (Even Shannen Doherty has admitted this, and Shannen thinks Tori is a cheap whore.) Which means that somebody in Hollywood apparently thinks she has talent. It's not that she's not deserving of a "worst" statuette, but we've still got two worse actresses to go, so...
4.) Elizabeth Berkley. Okay, I admit I have to reach for anything with her in it that's entertaining. Uh...hmmm...she wasn't half bad in THE FIRST WIVES CLUB (as a cheap slut. Go fig). And, uh...I think she might have been tolerable in one or two episodes of "Saved By The Bell"...well, no, not really. But at least she was slightly entertaining once, which is better than...
5.) Cindy Crawford. Fuck, do I hate Cindy Crawford. I mean, everybody else on this list is sexy in their own way too, so there's Freak Cindy's only entertainment value matched off right there. And that's MASS opinion. I think Cindy Crawford is gross, with her stick-thin body and icky hair and that gross mole (MOLE. Not "beauty mark", MOLE). And she compounds this by NEVER having been entertaining, not once. FAIR GAME sucked ass, yes, but think for a second...Cindy Crawford has failed to be funny in goddamned PEPSI COMMERCIALS. A thirty-second spot designed by genius marketers to be amusing, and Cindy gets as many laughs as Studs Terkel naked. For that matter, everything else Cindy endorses gets an unfunny, boring commercial: Lay's "potato crisps" (why am I not surprised that Cindy would advertise a styrofoam potato chip substitute?), blue jeans, Richard Gere's ass, etc. Cindy Crawford is horrible AND she makes tons of teenage girls feel like crap about themselves, so giving her a Worst Actress trophy directly up her ass strikes me as proper karmic payback. Go to hell, Cindy!
- Mighty God-King
The question is not of actual acting ability (which none of these so called actresses have), it is one of politics. Maddonna has young teens eating out of her hand since the girlie tour she did. Cindy, well with a body like that all you have to do is take a shower for a movie. I believe that showgirls is a movie that is best forgotten.
Now we come to the two finalists, Julia Sweeny and Tori Spelling. Also take note that these are also the least atractive of the contestents. Agian there is no way to decide whos a worse actress because to put it plainly THEY BOTH SUCK!!!!!!!
So all things being equal, odd man (or sucky actress) out. And that is Tori "I can only get a job by trying to look good and crying to my daddy" Spelling. Even her Father won't spend money for her to be in a movie. She has only been on the worse TV show, with a bit part in Saved by the bell. She can't even get a sucky part in actual movie. So she placed a moronic spoiled rich girl who lives with other rich people. Not much of a strech her. At least Sweeny was able to convince that a movie based on yet another pointless SNL skit about a pathetic person who could be a man or a woman, was a good idea. Tori can't even convince her extremely wealthy father to produce a movie for her.
I'm sorry but all the other contestents have some sort of use or ability. Maddonna for her... sex book. Cindy for the swimsuit issue. Berkly for... uh... Maybe she'll make better porn in the future? Sweeny for, well, she can make up for pat. BUt Tori is worthless. Since the award is for the worse actress, since she essentially plays herself, she is not really an actress.
On the Goddzilla note: He kills all of the contestents except for Cindy. He's been trying to convince Pamala to do a threesome.
- Cindy Crawford's illigitamite son by Goddzilla
Berkley: Her small role in Point Break failed to ruin that film, though arguably because Keanu Reeves and Patrick Swayze beat her to it. She was also in The First Wives Club, which all the female members of my family loved. A real Worst Actress should be able to wreck any film for anybody. Berkley fails that acid test, though she shows considerable promise.
Crawford: Too short a career to have "paid her dues". Besides, she does do an adequate job in Fair Game of convincing us that she's a heterosexual. (Well, that cover of Vanity Fair with her shaving k. d. lang kinda gave that secret away.) Besides, the Academy members--both sexes--will all want future opportunities of having her sleep with them to get the award. Many future opportunities.
Madonna: Very impressive résumé, but enough blots on it to leave her second-best. When called upon to play herself, either as vamp(Dick Tracy) or tramp(A League of Their Own) or hollow shell of self-promotion(Evita), she's just too convincing. A Worst Actress needs a broad credibility gap, and Madonna is too good at being Madonna.
Spelling: Received dismayingly good reviews for the incest/Jackie-Onassis-obsession 'comedy' The House of Yes. Plausibly portrayed herself playing Neve Campbell in Scream 2. The kicker, though, is a recent birthday party she threw for herself, to which she invited her entire Beverly Hills High class--except one. That one was Monica Lewinsky. This made Monica cry.
I'm sorry, but I cannot publicly dishonor Tori. I have come to respect her too much. (How's that for words you never thought you'd hear?) So finally, we have ...
Julia Sweeney: Let's look at the stinkers she's been in. It's Pat speaks, or mumbles incoherently, for itself, but what about:
and finally, her one-woman show God Said "Ha!". It may be the only laugh she's ever gotten.
Look for Julia Sweeney on-stage, clutching her statuette, eyes streaming, saying "You hate me. You really, really hate me!"
- Call me Shane
We can't give this coveted award to someone with a one (or even 4 or 5) movie record of badness. This is more of a lifetime achievement award for badness. Spelling seems to have a Coleman Francis-esque facination with crap. For those of you who haven't heard of cinematic gems such as "This Island Earth", "Red Zone Cuba", or even *shudder* "The Skydivers", count yourselves lucky.
Spelling is strongly entrenched in this murky basement of badness. Works like this should never be brought to light, ever, yet they seem to be. We seem to have a train-wreck facination with terrible cinema. (Train-wreck facination... so _that's_ why Titanic was so popular!)
It's people like Spelling that make directors such as Ed Wood (Plan 9 from Outer Space) look like canidates for Best Actor/Director. Even people like Leonardo DiCaprio, who can be out acted by a lump of moldy cheese, are better than this woman.
She also hasn't limited herself to bad TV, no! She was in such masterpieces as "Troop Beverly Hills" and "The House of Yes". Simply being on a terrible TV show wasn't enough to satisfy her hunger for badness.
Unfortunately for her, she has become popular. She doesn't have the kind of dark underground, cult following that Ed Wood or Coleman Francis do. This can add character to badness, the same way that age and mold adds character to blue cheese.
Spelling is in the spotlight, she doesn't have the luxury of being in the basement that some of her contemporaries do.
Like Godzilla films, she is destined for fame.
- The Bit Poet
- A Crusader for Nutmeg
--The "Worst Actress"(tm) award is publicity.
--In Hollywood, any and all publicity is a good thing.
--Good publicity for Cindy Crawford and any movie she might be in will lead to more movies.
--Cindy Crawford is a model and therfore partial to taking off her clothes in movies.
--I (and many others i'm sure) like to see Cindy Crawford naked.
I vote for cindy Crawford. She wins the best actress award, gets publicity and more movie deals and appears naked more often.
As for the whole Godzilla-frying-everyone-into-crispy-bits(tm) portion of this ballot, I doubt the actresses have much to worry about. The amount of plastic in Pamela Anderson alone is enough to thwart the "Crisping(tm)" efforts of her "Godzy." If anything, melting might occur.
KILL'EM ALL!!! Let God sort'em out.
- The Colonel
You Win... NOTHING! We told you that this gambit would never work again. Anyway, you forgot to say "COW." -Eds.
1) Madonna is horrible in "Who's That Girl". However, she is a talented(albeit unoriginal) singer. Plus she was the lead in "Evita". Cross her off.
2) Elizabeth Berkley was in "Showgirls". However, "Showgirls" had absolutely NO plot. She's suffered enough.
3) Julia Sweeney certainly is a bad actress. And, out of the four movies that are up for nominations, hers had the worst ratings. However, we can also go by the Oscar Standard of Not Suffering Enough" (a key reason why Tom Cruise didn't win Best Actor for Jerry Maguire). The antipode of this is the Oscar Standard of Suffering Too Much", as most of the SNL gang are confined to.
The two leftovers are Cindy Crawford and Tori Spelling. With the others out of the way, let's see how they stack up.
Cindy Crawford: Supermodel. As MAD TV has noted, closely resembles a sea otter. Has to shave mole, or else she'd grow whiskers.
Tori Spelling: Spoiled little girl. Daughter of Aaron Spelling. Only has a job BECAUSE of Aaron Spelling, or else she'd be flipping hamburgers.
From a judge's point of view, I'd say it's high time that Tori Spelling go down. But one must realize that neither actress would be affected by this award. So the judges make a VERY good decision.
Judge: What should the punishment be for a supermodel pretending she has talent?
Cindy: Oh, she should be dragged about naked in a barrel lined with spikes for twenty miles or so.
Judge: And Tori, what do you think should be the punishment for a spoiled rich girl avoiding a life-time of McDonald's service by getting her daddy to hire her?
Tori: Hmm... I'm going with the burning at the stake.
And, lo and behold, just like in the fairy-tale classic "The Goose Girl", each of our "lovely heroines(and I use the term VERY loosely)" now has to suffer the fate THEY THEMSELVES suggested. And who says stories are just for kids?
- Colonel Zippo Kanaza
And everybody lived happily ever after... - Vlad
Oh my gosh DONNA, We can't leave her out of this list, Mind you I think she's also in the categories for Worst Hair and Worst Made for T.V. Movie, but I digress anyone who can prophet off a show that is created and directed by "DADDY" should get a life, he's the only one who sees her talent and I'm assuming he is just blinded because she is his daughter. Point in question don't all parents tell their kids they are beautiful even if the kid is scarier than Freddy?? But she still pales in comparison to the queen of reading cue cards CINDY CRAWFORD. This is a real brainteaser because cue cards are not really used in movies!! It's sad to say but Jean Claude Van Damme could remember simple sentences better than her and he doesn't even speak english well!!! So she tries to get through the movie with oneliners and really bad sex scenes (if you remember the scene on the train, she looked like she was having as much fun as a little boy does in Michael Jackson's Play World!!) So I submit for you the case of the really good model who assumes because she is photogenic that she can carry off a film. Wrong and please stop this madness. Thank-you!!
- The Life of the Party
I read the scenario for this match and did a double take. Surely this isn't a competition for *Worst* Actress?? I sincerely think that all of these babes ought to have been considered for the Best Actress Award in each of their respective works.
What's that you say? Best Actress? 1/2 Nelson, have been playing in the medicine cabinet again? No, I say! I'll try to explain...
I was first in line at my local theatre to see Showgirls. Now, I knew damn well I wasn't gonna get a lesson in the finer points of cinematic drama. I'll spell it out for you. I...wanted...to...see...the...naked...body...of...Elizabeth..Berkeley. Period. Simple as that. And I got what I wanted, plus the added bonus of seeing Gina Gershon, and an assortment of other really hot looking women naked as well. I'm kinda twisted, not to mention cheap as hell, so Showgirls was a godsend. As close as you can get to porn for under 10 bucks! So, forgive me if you don't get the logic, but why not reward Elizabeth Berkeley for showin' us the goodies? Maybe that would prompt a Showgirls 2, in which there would likely be even more full frontal nudity. So what if I'm not erudite, or sophistamacated, but I would gladly pass by each of the 100 so-called "Best Films" ever to see 5 minutes of Elizabeth Berekely's nekkid bod. The same can be said about Madonna, Tori Spelling, and Cindy Crawford. But Berkeley fuelled my fantasies for a good month after I saw the film, so I voted for her. Yep, it was just me, Liz, and and a bottle of Tequila stranded on that tropical island. And several spare sets of lingerie for her. And a cucumber. And a bottle of super-glue. But I digress.
And as for Julia Sweeney? Well, she's not much to look at, but anyone who would catch the eye of the ultra-cool Winston Wolf from Pulp Fiction must have something going on.
And it goes without saying that they shouldn't be all killed and mutilated. What a waste of God-given cleavage that would be!
- 1/2 Nelson
1. Gene Siskel has recently died, of a mysterious brain
2. As a movie critic, he gets to see movies and the like a week or two before their general releases.
3. A week or two after Gene's death, this contest comes out.
The obvious answer here is that this contest killed Gene Siskel. Something about picking just one from the five oh-so-worthy contestants sends the brain into an unresponsive state, and subsequent death. It's the neurological equivelant of a computer virus, as theorized in Neal Stephenson's fine book Snow Crash. Each of the five choices is so hideously deserving, it's impossible to pick one without your brain defenstrating itself in an explosive squeeze through your nasal passages. Altering the normal binary choice of two to an unfamiliar five was the key to ruining all our brains, not to mention the monitors our brains are going to splatter on.
You bastards. Your plan all along was to crap out our brains, hitting them from the most unexpected sides, their love of seeing celebrities bleed.
Well, you're not going to get me, ya bastids. I ain't thinking about this one iota. I'm just getting my five sided coin out, flipping it ... uh, it landed arms up. So that's um, Pat.
There. I should be safe. Hmm, feel a sneeze coming on. Big one, two. Strange detacting feeling from my brain stem ... aw cripes. Get the Windex.
- Kilgore Trout
All four of the actress are not really bad(ok maybe they are but they are not EVIL tm) .. they just have no business being in the genre thier in. Madonna gave a good preformance in the drama evita(ok ok she gave a preformance that whouldn't cause most people to openly snicker at), Tori Spelling was actually fairly good(horrors of horros) playing a bland and dull girl in the comedy, house of yes, Julia Sweeny was fairly good(No mel zetz but still) in the one man show its me god, And Elizabeth Berkley.... Well she at least.. was a ble to stand thier in the real blonde
Where does this leave us oh ignimious ones..oh carriers of the sacred evil of the otter death, and depravity...
plus she maried richard gere
we might have a "wiener!"
My deepest apologies to all concerned.
- Mark Wentz
- Nicky Lewer
I am in love with Gina Gershon. However, here is my dilemma. I am absolutely terrified of seeing Showgirls, because I don't want the experience of seeing Gina naked ruined by a 90's version of Rocky Horror. Elizabeth Berkley is the star of Showgirls, and by all accounts is a major reason for the alleged suckiness of the film.
So since she's denying me Naked Gershon, Elizabeth Berkley gets the award by default.
As a short postscript, I'd like to note that the horniest guy I have ever known was disappointed at Showgirls, because he "only got a woody twice the whole time." That in itself should speak for Berkley's incredible lack of talent. She can't even be naked right!
- Uncle Badass
But since you didn't include her, my vote had to favor(?) Madonna, having viewed Body of Evidence during a party I threw a few years back. A party which I called Bad-Movie-Fest (like a bad beer party, but with movies). Madonna's movie nearly won (as worst), only to be beaten by Barney and Ilsa the Wicked Warden.
So, Madonna, here is your statue. Don't choke on it (if you know what I mean and I think you do).
- Weird Uncle Dave
- Nick "the Maniac Clown" Zachariasen
We must go back in time almost a decade, to a packed Major League Baseball park in June, 1990. At this stadium (name withheld, or at least not to my knowledge) Roseanne was commissioned to sing the national anthem before the game on a celebrity appearance. She was probably told to "pour your lungs out on this one", and she took that a little too seriously. It was the worst rendition of the national anthem to anyone's knowledge. From the first notes, people reportedly went deaf in an instant. The speakers almost blew a fuse because Roseanne was singing, or maybe shouting out, the song so loudly and unarticulately. No one could stand it anymore, and by the time she was finished, many people tried to leave in disgust. Luckily (and hopefully) she won't go near the microphone in ballparks anymore.
Madonna's aforementioned performance in Who's That Girl bears so much of a striking resemblance to Roseanne 'belching' out of the Star-Spangled Banner on that fateful day (hearing aids falling out, people 'fainting') that Madonna deserves the dubious Worst Actress award, hands down.
P.S.: Hope we have a "Worst Movie of all Time" Grudge Match soon, and hope to see Brendan blast that all-RAGED-out Mental Hospital Escapee out of the warden in another Grudge Match sometime. Come on, you know we want to see it....
- -Da Bull
- Girl that should have been kissing Alec in Fair Game
They're not going to vote for Julia Sweeney. I mean, come on, she was in a COMEDY. "Never Vote for a Comedy" is Academy rule number 1.
They're not going to vote for Cindy Crawford. "Never Vote for a Pretty Face" is Academy Rule number 2.
We can probably eliminate Madonna on the grounds that she's a Pop star singer. "Never Vote for a Singer Unless It's Frank Sinatra" is Academy Rule number 3.
Which leaves Elizabeth "Used to be on Saved by the Bell" Berkley and Tori "My Daddy's the Producer" Spelling. Tori gets the award because of the Legacy Factor, i.e. the aforementioned Producer/Daddy. "In case of a tie, vote for the Legacy" is Academy Rule number 12. (Rules 4-11 don't apply in this case.)
So at the Awards Ceremony, Tori is heard to say "I'd like to thank Darryl Hannah for not releasing a movie this year." Then Godzilla eats her because he thinks Pamela should have won.
- The Listmeister
- "*" the artist formerly known as "the Animator"
5. Julia Sweeney. Not a bad actress, just a bad role.
4. Cindy Crawford. Hey, she's a good model. Movement isn't a problem here, just talking.
3. Elizabeth Berkley. Horrible actress, but she was taught how to act on Saved By The Bell. What do you expect?
2. Tori Spelling. I can barely stand her, but her daddy won't allow the Oscars to let her get an award for Worst Actress. Plus, BRENDAN picked her...
1. Madonna. Let's see, bad actor, bad music, bad concerts... When it comes to suckiness, she's the Jack-of-all-Trades. Also, I'm a huge fan of Mr. Silverback, and support ANYTHING that earns him a commentator spot.
Now Brendan, you won't fight me here, so I'll give you a new challenge. The CBUB has a great new sister site, the FPL. Create a character on it, and you can face my character in a deathmatch. How about it?
- Devin The Mental Hospital Escapee
Now THAT'S entertainment!
- Captain Freedom
So on to the next, more important, question. This awards ceremony must be held in a paralell dimension becaus there is the only way that these actresses would be nominated for ANY award. (Even if is for worst actress. So as I figure it the rest of the evening comes out like this:
Godzilla lets loose his breath on the five irritants. But wait that's not "It's Pat" that got fried! It's Richard Simmons (an equally unisex character). So where is Julia Sweeny? She's in the hallway making a very important phone call.....
The two double doors at the back of the room open, slamming against the wall. The room is silent except for a bearly audible "Oh my god they killed kenny" as the bloody remains slip under the door.
"YO SUCKA" the figure shouts and Godzilla turns around to see the enraged body of Mr T.
Mr. T hosted Saturday Night Live Along with Hulk Hogan (he beat up Eddie Murphey so that gives him the bonus Pts.) so he's probably willing to help an SNLer out. And with Pamela Anderson involved who wouldn't?
Godzilla = T-rex + Bad acting. Bad acting = David Hasselhoff therfore Godzilla = T-rex + David Hasselhoff. Both of which Mr. T has defeated in Mr. T. Comics.
The fight is short and swift and as the microphone gets turned on we here this exchange:
"Here, I'll put you closer so you can see the Fight better"
"I don't think that, that is a good idea Mr. Hands"
(Godzilla's carcass falls over)
Mr T. (The ultimate Masculine figure) gets Pamela Anderson. Sweeny gets the OScar: Changing it to WOdeRfullST ACTRESS. And Six irritants are destroyed. A Happy ending by all.
Anyway, right after Marlon Brando won a best supporting actor for his moving portrayl as The Human Ton in the live action The Tick film, came the holocaust that was the Showgirls clip, followed by Godzilla killing almost everybody. Seems he took offense at the fact Pam hadn't even been nominated for Barbwire, so he flambed half of the audience, taking special care to incinerate Dean Devlin and Roland Emmerich as well, growled something that was later translated by Ms. Anderson to be "radioactive breath is impossible my ass!"
It was this point the his old nemesis OldaBattara (aka "Joan Rivers") revealed her true form, the resulting battle destroyed most of the Western seaboard. Godzilla eventually roasted her to the delight of everybody who has ever heard her voice.
The name on the card by the way was Elizabeth Berkeley. I don't care how bad those other films are, none of the other "actresses" has ever tried to show anger by squeezing a bottle of ketchup really hard.
"Hello everybody, I'm Mary Fart"
"And I'm Knob Going. Our lead story tonight exposes the seedy underbelly of the Academy Awards. ET&A's own Julie Moron reports on the fight for the gold statue."
"Thanks, Knob and Mary. Who speaks for the lesser lights of Hollywood, the actors and actresses who do their best at being their worst? ET&A has learned that a select commitee was given the task of awarding the worst actress Oscar. As expected, Tori Spelling won the award, but not without some serious competition from fellow nominees: Elizabeth Berkley, Cindy Crawford, Julia Sweeney, and Madonna. The lobbying often resembled a catfight and only ET&A can take you behind the scenes to meet these desperate individuals."
"Mr. Silverback was the driving force behind Madonna's grab at the gold for the movie 'Who's that girl'. He is best known for attempting to prove that Leonardo de Caprio is a woman, by trying to remove Leo's smarmy boy-mask. He was released for Happydale sanitarium, but his support of Madonna is expected to land him back in his padded room."
"A deranged individual known only as 'Thinkmaster General' was backing Elizabeth Berkley's nomination for her role in Showgirls. People who claim to know him, but refused on-camera interviews, said that he wasn't what one could call a 'Thinkmaster of his own domain' when it came to Berkley. His mental imbalance is believed to be due to the fact that he is Canadian."
"Vlad, the wonder hamster, is another clinically insane Canadian member of the academy, who supported Cindy Crawford's 'Fair Game' nomination. He is now in protective custody, receiving badly needed electroshock therapy."
"A strange little Texan, by the name of Brendan, succesfully lobbied for Worst Actress winner, Tori Spelling. Daily Variety is reporting that Brendan will be co-starring with Tori Spelling in Aaron Spelling's new FOX series 'Ithaca 14850', slated to start next fall."
"The most dangerous individual backing a worst actress nominee, is Paul Golba, the self-proclaimed Grand Poobah of the WWWF Ground Zero website. He spared no expense to back Julia Sweeney's 'It's Pat' performance. The FBI have placed him on the most wanted list of criminally insane nutbars, and consider him extremely dangerous. His obsession with the Pat character exceeds Waylan Smithers' enthusiasm for the Malibu Stacy doll. He is believed to be holed up in a Iowa compound with big screen TVs showing Pat sketches 24 hours a day. You can clearly see that being an Oscar nominee lobbyist is difficult work. "
"Up next: Remember Aunt Bea from the Andy Griffith Show? She bared all for Hustler magazine, and we have all the newly discovered uncensored pictures coming up on ET&A."
I think that sums it up nicely. - Eds.
If you liked this match, check out these other past
Worst Actor Academy Award
Worst Director Academy Award
Grudge Match Goes To The Movies
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