Kodak Theater, Hollywood, March 24th, 2002: The orchestra plays, the audience applauds, and Steve Martin walks to center stage, straightening his white suit and putting away his arrow-through-the-head.
"As I was saying before I was interrupted, it's time to present the Academy Award for Worst Picture. With a category as competitive as this one, you may wonder how we narrowed the field to five nominees. The answer is very simple." He turns to shout offstage. "Bring it in!"
Billy Crystal and Whoopi Goldberg trudge onstage, hauling a cart filled with an awesome variety of loot. Steve smiles at the dazzled audience. "Bribes. Half the producers in Hollywood were shelling out to keep their movies off the nomination list. I even had one guy and a pair of robots give me free title to something called the ‘Satellite of Love'. Sounds like something Russell Crowe might enjoy."
There is a brief commotion in the audience, as Russell Crowe tries to rush the stage, swearing furiously. Several tuxedo-clad security men riddle him with tranquilizer darts, but still have their hands full manhandling him out of the auditorium. "A beautiful mind," Steve quips, "but a filthy mouth." There is a round of edgy laughter.
"Still, there were more than enough unworthy films whose makers didn't play ball, and it is my privilege to dishonor them tonight. The nominees for Worst Picture are:
Highlander 2: The Quickening
Howard the Duck
Jaws: The Revenge
And Plan 9 From Outer Space."
"And the loser is..."
Battlefield Earth vs. Highlander 2 vs. Howard the Duck vs. Jaws: The Revenge vs. Plan 9 From Outer Space
PAUL: To realize how bad "Battlefield Earth" is, read the VHS box. The solitary critic's review is by "Joblo's Movie Emporium". I'm not kidding. "Battlefield Earth" is the worst movie of all time. Not convinced? The experts at Jabootu's Bad Movie Dimension thought it so bad that they reviewed it twice! There is no excuse for this bomb. The budget was $73 million. It starred real actors. They had decades of bad sci-fi movies to learn what to avoid. The result? Almost every camera frame is tilted at a random angle and/or is heavily tinted, forcing you to twist your neck and squint to see anything. The script is full of alien Psychlo politics which is as interesting as late night on C-SPAN. The plot contains such gems as primitive cavemen that can learn to fly Harriers in a week, gold-obsessed aliens who somehow missed Fort Knox and a planet which radiation causes to explode. And I'm just getting started. Seriously! "Battlefield Earth" strains your neck, hurts your eyes, wastes your time, insults your intelligence and ruins your faith in mankind. Other than that, it's a great movie.
Worst of all, despite "Battlefield Earth" being a critical and box office disaster, John Travolta still wants to do a sequel. Apparently, making this movie destroyed what was left of his mind. People, that sort of unparalleled hideousness deserves recognition so give it the Oscar. That way, we can plant a tracking device and call in the air strikes before they film again.
JOE: My favorite quote from Highlander.org reads: "This movie sucks, and violates everything Highlander. No real Highlander fan would ever admit it exists. If asked about this movie the proper response is 'What second movie?'." And this is from people who worship Highlander. You know a movie has hit the absolute bottom when even its fans have to ignore it so the rest of the world will make sense. None of the other movies Highlander 2: The Suckening is up against can claim that. Each have at least one redeeming quality.
Plan 9 is a classic science fiction movie. It is technically very bad and has horrid dialogue but it has a mid-20th Century Golden Age of Science Fiction thing going for it. Even if Solaronite (a bomb that can explode sunlight) is too off-the-wall to be a good science fiction theory, its still a pretty neat idea.
Battlefield Earth had a bad script, Barry Pepper was a dingus and anything with John Travolta automatically sucks. But you gotta admit the instant-genius thing that zapped all the knowledge to the hero's brain was pretty cool in a "I wish I had one so I wouldn't have to pull another goddamn all-nighter to study for a Physics final" kind of way.
Howard the Duck was based on a comic book created by Steve Gerber, who worked on some of the coolest cartoons ever, such as G.I. Joe and The Batman/Superman Adventures.
And as for Jaws, two words: Banana boat.
HOTBRANCH!: There are movies that make you laugh, think, or even cry, and still there are some that make you demand your money back. Then there's Howard the Duck, which makes you not only demand your money back, but add a wrongful confinement lawsuit for good measure.
A movie this bad embiggens the smallest man into justifiable homicide. The other nominees are absolutely cromulent, compared to this pseudo-animated piece of trash. How many of the other nominated movies can boast 6 different actors in the lead role? The "action" scenes, where Howard gets angry and defends Beverly, are actually outtakes where the actor in the duck suit is going after the director and producer, just before leaving the set in disgust.
Which leads me to the most damning evidence, ensuring an Oscar for Howard. The movie's executive producer is none other than George Lucas. In some ways, Howard the Duck was a natural progression, given that George had just completed production of Captain Eo, and he was dabbling with alien beings. But the fact remains: this is the same individual who gave us Ewoks and JAR-JAR BINKS!
Had Jar-Jar never been created, Howard the Duck could perhaps have been cast off as post-Ewok stress syndrome, a condition that appeared to plague Lucas through most of the mid-80s. Unfortunately, it seems that the prognosis is not good at Skywalker Ranch, because after Howard takes home the golden statue, it'll be used to bludgeon Lucas to prevent further outbreaks of cuteseycharacteritis.
BRIAN: Jaws: The Revenge without doubt. Jaws 4 managed to end a franchise that survived 3-D, and that puts it on par with Batman & Robin in terms of series killing ability. This is partly thanks to Mario van Peebles, the Ted McGinley of cinema, making Jaws 4 the only movie to feature a jumping shark AND shark jumping. It also features Mario's dad, Melvin van Peebles. While all the other movies remain refreshingly van-Peeble-free, Jaws 4 has a double dose of this poison.
Additionally, Jaws: The Revenge is so abjectly absurd that you can see it in the title. All the other movies, while bad, seem relatively safe going in if all you know about the movie is what's on the poster. If you don't know about Scientology or bad reviews, you have no way of knowing the movie is bad until you see it. Jaws: The Revenge, however, is clearly about a fish seeking revenge on people. "This time, it's personal!" Jaws 4 is SO bad, that someone fresh out of a lifetime in a Skinner Box would see the poster and say, "What is this piece of crap?" This puts it on par with Billy the Kid versus Dracula.
Simply put, the other four movies are only bad enough to be a mere punchline, like an MST3K Highlander 2 joke. However, Jaws 4 became an entire comedy routine: a movie so bad it insults the intelligence of your spinal cord. There's just no contest here.
SHANE: To be the champ, you have to beat the champ. "Plan 9 From Outer Space" has been history's worst movie ever since the concept was invented by the Medved brothers in "The Golden Turkey Awards". These four upstarts lack the consistent overall awfulness to wrest away the title, and they have disqualifying flashes of competence. Yes, believe it or not.
Two of these movies fail (by succeeding) in the acting department. "Jaws: The Revenge" had double-Oscar winner Michael Caine, and "Highlander 2" had Sean Connery, that guarantor of instant coolness (and another Oscar winner). Both men give their movies respectability by their mere presence. What does "Plan 9" offer in that department? A shambling Tor Johnson, a few seconds of a strung-out Bela Lugosi, and a chiropractor with a cape over his face pretending to be Bela. And they're the best actors in this movie!
The other two, "Howard the Duck" and "Battlefield Earth", disappoint bad-movie connoisseurs with their intermittently decent special effects. "Plan 9" gives us hubcap spaceships ("It was shaped like a huge cigar!"... Doh!) that suddenly turn square and blocky on the ground, cardboard tombstones that lean over when someone walks near them, scenes switching from day to night a dozen times within ninety seconds, stock footage intermixed with guys in front of blank backdrops, insane editing, aimless wandering, a spaceman dressed in short skirt and tights – named Eros – played by Dudley Manlove -- AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!
What was I saying? Oh yeah. "Plan 9". Worst Picture. Guaranteed.
The Bad Movie Review -- "A website to the detriment of good film." If a movie was a waste of celluloid, you'll find it here.
I have a simple way to solve this.
Many years ago, some friends and I were sitting around our frat house during spring break, doing the things one does in such a situation, and we formulated a theory of films.
It was based on a combination of theories each of us had already. My own was that any movie can be improved through the presence of a monkey.
(One of my associate challenged me on this one by citing "Dunston Checks In." I countered that the film would have been far worse without Dunston. He was unable to respond.)
Another friend had the theory that any movie is better if it includes aliens, somehow. A third of us believed lesbians improve everything.
With these three thoughts in mind, we began discussing the screenplay for what would obviously be the greatest movie of all time: "Planet of the Dyke Apes," an idea abandoned as soon as we all sobered up.
The moral of this story is that every movie but "Jaws 4" involves aliens - remember, in Highlander II the immortals were from what Highlander fans now refer to as "the dreaded planet Zeist." As near as I can tell, Jaws 4 lacked monkeys and lesbians as well, meaning it is clearly the worst of these four turkeys.
Easily, the winner of this little contest is going to have to be Highlander II. This is a movie which leaves a sucking void in the life of the viewer that even Sean Connery's inherent coolness can not begin to fill. To quote a friend of mine, it sucks like a shop vac.
Highlander II not only lacks the (admittedly unintentional) entertainment capacity of the others, not only lacks any consistency with the series that it is supposedly a part of, it lacks even internal consistency. It has plot holes so large that, as has been pointed out by the folks at Jabootu's Bad Movie Dimension, even the Evil Lackeys(TM) comment on them.
And the names of these guys? McCleod? Ramirez? Katana? Are these common names on planet Zeist (speaking of lousy names, how about that planet?)? What does an attendance list at one of Katana's family reunions look like? Does cousin Meat McCleaver show up and bring his wife Scyth? How about their children Switchblade, Longsword, and Tsai?
To start with, I have to say I like bad movies. I'll even watch them a second or third time. I guess I just like to pick at the scabs on my emotional scars. I have willingly watched Waterworld several times. I even like Howard the Duck. I watched Highlander II once and like everyone else I claim that it doesn't exits. I have never seen a sequel that was so different from the orginal that it didn't even deserve the same name. In Highlander II they completely ignored everything in Highlander I and made up stuff just for hell of it. I had to gnaw off the hand that I used to vote for Highlander II to keep my brain from remembering that it exists. And I'll probably have to gnaw off the other hand that is currently typing this. Good thing I'm dictating, though my secretary will be pretty annoyed with me later.
- Spamboy (I'm pink therefore I'm spam)
All of these films are well dodgy, but through the evidence of totty rating, we can deduce the worst. If you have to sit through this shite, at least have someone pretty to look at...
Battlefield Earth - John Travolta. Now he used to be rather cute, and in Saturday Night Fever he was almost hot. However, he deigns to terrify the viewer with his eyebrows, which is just not on.
Highlander II - Christopher Lambert. Very nice indeed, and this is what means the film can't be all that bad. Connor is kinda sexy in a sword-wielding, appalling accented type way. The introduction of sex appeal into the fray lets Highlander down, and therefore it cannot win the Oscar.
Howard the Duck - Come on! It's a sarcastic human-like duck! Even I couldn't find someone to lust about here! Totty count zero. Bad film, naughty film. Go to your basket.
Jaws - The Revenge - Michael Caine. He might be not to everyone's taste, but he is quite dishy in an oh my god I can't believe he is, but he is way. Not as lovely as he was in Get Carter, but we can't have everything, can we? Also, has a large rubber shark, and if I was another large rubber shark, I'd do it...
Plan 9 From Outer Space - I know, I know. Tottyless film too, but every time I see this film I just think, 'aw, bless!' You can't hate something as amateurish and fluffily silly as Plan 9. You have to give it credit for still being talked about after so long, so no! No win for this dear little film.
Therefore, Howard the Duck wins because of the lack of sexy males to take your mind off the rest of the film. However, a special award should be given to John Travolta for his utter foolishness in making a sequel. And for those eyebrows...*shudders and hides her head under a blanket because the hideousness of it all*
- Saint Sal, a small demon living in the Medieval History Department, St Andrews University.
I'm sure that either Battlefield Earth or Plan 9 From Outer Space will win, and I'm sure that most of the voters have never seen Plan 9. And that's a shame, because some of the cinematography in that movie is amazing. Really. The acting was superb, the script was crisp, the special effects dazzling, and the overall movie sparkled. Now sure, you only get that impression after snorting a kilo of cocaine, but level with me here.
- Grudge-Pops(tm): Guns don't kill people, guns kill animals.
As a fine upstanding average modest happy normal Canadian boy (tm), I have a rule about bad movies: Even the worst movie can be redeemed by the presence of a good-looking woman. I have merrily sat through the dreckiest pieces of cinema for the sake of the BABE factor (tm). The question, then, is which of the five movies under consideration has the lowest BABE factor (tm), because that's the worst of the worst.
Highlander 2 features Virginia Madsen, last of the hot '80s blondes. While she loses points for having appeared on several really sucky Frasier episodes (to be fair, every Frasier episode for the last four years has been really sucky), she's still enough to keep a movie from being a waste of time.
Howard the Duck: I'm not the world's biggest Lea Thompson fan, but she's easy on the eyes. Besides, she's Marty McFly's mother, so if I vote against Howard Marty and Doc will build on last week's triumph by going back in time to erase my vote. It's not worth it.
Battlefield Earth: I don't recall there being much female content in this movie -- L. Ron would not allow his slaves, er, disciples, to waste their time on such trivial matters as female companionship. However, the one woman in it, Sabine Karsenti, is good-looking enough. Plus she's Canadian, and has appeared on cruddy Canadian-made series like The Crow: Stairway To Heaven, so as a patriotic Canadian (no, that is not a contradiction in terms) I've got to give her a pass.
Plan 9 From Outer Space: We're getting closer now. The leading lady, Mona McKinnon, never appeared in anything except Ed Wood movies, and was certainly nothing special in the pulchritude department. But who could you expect Ed to feature on his budget? Ava Gardner? No, I can't vote for an Ed Wood movie. A movie by a weirdo who did the best he could with no talent and no budget is nowhere near as bad as something made by multimillionaires who could have and should have done better. So I'll give Plan 9 a pass with a little creative connecting: Joanna Lee, who played Tanna in Plan 9, went on to become a writer for Gilligan's Island and Petticoat Junction. Ergo, the villainous alien in Plan 9 can introduce me to Ginger, Mary Ann, Bobbi Jo Bradley and all 15 Billie Jo Bradleys. That's good enough for me. Oh, and Shane, did you think you were making a good point by saying that the Medved brothers dissed Ed Wood? You do realize that one of those brothers is the bad-haired, obnoxious ex-hippie-turned-Victorian-bluenose Michael Medved, right? Yeah, his opinion counts for a lot.
Jaws: The Revenge: The leading lady of this and the other Jaws movies was Lorraine Gary, an actress with nothing special to offer in terms of looks or talent. Why did she turn up in so many movies produced by Universal, and so many guest shots on TV shows produced by Universal? Well, her being married to Sidney Scheinberg, the president of MCA/Universal, might have something to do with it. For this obvious nepotism (wife-o-tism?), plus a special razz for making a "beach" movie with a distinctly below-average number of bikini-clad females (even Annette Funicello would be welcome in this context), I award the low BABE factor (tm) award to this movie, and thus, the Worst Movie award. The attendant clears the way for Jaws V: Beach Surf Shark! starring Annette, Frankie, and Don Rickles. Now that's cinematic art.
Have to go with "Battlefield Earth" here. It was like a low-budget horror movie, only without the low budget...and without the movie.
- Lee Bridges
No one knows "bad" until they've seen a midget in a feathered suit spout out every single pun known to man, but somehow involving the word "duck." The horror. The horror...
- Charge Man
Le piece of crap royale.
- They Call Me Marsh
Let's look at the films.
Plan 9 From Outer Space-
Widely voted the worst film of all time, but I really don't see that.
Sure, it's inept as humanly possible but it's has a certain charm
because of that. Plus it moves at a fairly quick pace and is short,
if nothing else, Wood didn't make a boring film so it doesn't truly
pass the Bad Movie Litmus Test. Plus it's hard to keep calling it the
worst film of all time after:
Howard the Duck- Is it possibly the worst adaption of a comic book ever? Hardly, look at Barbwire and Captain America. Is it the worst thing Lucas ever produced? Sure, but look at the rest of his films, the Star Wars series, the Indiana Jones films, American Graffitti... basically, even a merely good film would have stood out as the worst thing Lucas ever made simply because of the sheer amount of great-to-kickass films George has released. So the argument for it is specious at best, it's not a good film, but it doesn't tower over other bad 80s films like The One True Worst Film of All Time should.
Was it overblown, cheesy, and vapid? Sure, but it was the Reagan Era. What the hell did you expect?
Jaws The Revenge- Did it kill the franchise? Yes, but isn't that a good thing? Bruce was a bigass, vicious, Flipper-killing machine to be sure, but that doesn't mean his film should ever have had sequels. Plus it getting the award would inevitably reflect badly on the first film, which doesn't deserve that. Better this film be forgotten so the first film doesn't lose even more luster.
Highlander II- I direct you to Academy bylaw 723527-8308 section A: Any film with Sean Connery cannot be the worst film of all time, it can be bad or even horrible, but the mere fact it has The Sean in it pushes it above that distinction. Though, to be fair, that bylaw is under review after The Avengers was released, but you know Hollywood, it may be a decade or eight before they change the rule.
Battlefield Earth- Bad camera work, idiotic characters, conceited filmmakers (Travolta still hasn't admitted how bad this is), Scientology, ludicrous plot elements (the Psychlos are here for gold and they didn't find Fort Knox, one atom bomb burns up the entire atmosphere of their planet, "man-animals", exploding cows for fun, etc.), and some of the worst "science" ever seen in science fiction (again, a single atom bomb destroys their entire homeworld, I guess lightning or volcanoes are unknown on their world). In spite of all this, Travolta wishes to pursue his mad path towards the total destruction of all that is good and decent in film. But perhaps, he can be stopped here and now with a clear statement by the Academy, if nothing else it might drive away producers and John will have to spend his own money to make Battlefield Earth Episode V: This Film Sucks Bad.
The winner of SEVEN Razzies and, ladies and gentlemen, your (but not mine, Torgo and The Master got screwed) Academy Award Winner for Worst Picture in the History of Film: Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000.
- Ubiq. A Saga of the Year 3000. 3K... how appropriate, now it just needs the MST.
Battlefield Earth takes the gold. A few minutes later, John Travolta's bloody corpse is found backstage with a script cover for Battlefield Earth 2 tacked to his jacket. The words NEVER AGAIN are written across it.
- love, Melanie
Travolta deserves a pat on the back for getting Battlefield Earth made. Well, maybe a kick in the ass.
- Austin Ross
Here is why Highlander II is the worst than:
Battlefield Earth - Because even Quentin Tarantino cannot resurrect Christopher Lambert's career after this movie.
Howard the Duck - Christopher Lambert lost Mentos Level Coolness (TM) and was therefore beaten by Darth Maul, a creation of none other than George Lucas.
Jaws: The Revenge - In Highlander III , working with Mario Van Peebles was a step up for Christopher Lambert.
Plan 9 From Outer Space - Ed Wood was later portrayed by Johnny Depp in a Tim Burton movie (notice, the maker of the good Batman movies), and Johnny Depp was later in Blow, where he scored with Penelope Cruz.
Clearly, everyone has some measure of respectability compared to Christopher Lambert now. For God's sake man! He was killed by the creators of Highlander in Highlander: End Game!!! He was ruining the franchise!!! At this point, I doubt that Christopher Lambert would win against the Power Puff Girls.
- Wise Ass
Billy Crystal: well folks, here we go....i just want to point out how glad i am that "Mr.Satuday Night" wasn't nominated for this award...anyway, the winner is..Plan 9 from outer space!
*cut to Ed Wood grinning and non chalantley going up to the podium. he grabs the award and shoves Billy off stage.*
Ed: Well, I'm certainly not surprised that i won this award...hell, I made Orgy of the Dead, and that sucked too...anyway, I want to thank...noone. No sir, I only thank myself for winning this award, so all of you can kiss my keister!
*the crowd boos and hisses as Ed smirks and walks to the back, only to be met up by a very irate Howard the Duck, Jaws, John Travolts, and Duncan Mccloud. the following convo ensues:
Ed: Look...I don't want any trouble from you guys..i won fair and square, deal with it.
Howard: Dammit Wood! you know it and i know it that my movie sucked much worse...hell, I'm a damn midget in a duck costume and i lost?!?!
John: Boy, I sure am glad i lost, i mean, all of my movies rock! I can't beleive Battlefield Earth was called one of the worst pictures
*he runs off sobbing*
Duncan McCloud and Jaws offer nothing inteligent, as Jaws can't talk and Duncan can only mutter something in Gaelic. Finally, Billy Crystal, mad about being shoved down, gets a posse with Whoopi, Steve, Brian, and Robin Williams to stick his award where the sun doesn't shine.
- Dane "The New Prodigy"
It has to be Howard the Duck for the simple and highly embarassing fact that this film used to scare the living crap out of me when i was young. So please people for my own sanity and your own please please please vote for Howard the Duck. That way i can re-claim SOME pride and simply say it was the fact the movie was so bad that scared me and not me just being a pansy.
- The Murph - London
No pride for you! -- Eds.
Look, you've got to have a Grudge Match where everybody knows the contestants, and if they do not, well, at least a contestant in which information can be freely available.
So I go into the nearest video store, some local, family-run video store. I then ask them if they have the five videos mentioned:
Battlefield Earth: No, we no have that movie. Hear it is baaad, real baaad. Baaad for business.
Highlander II: Highlander? *speaks in chinese to female ownder* We no have that movie.
Howard the Duck: You mean Donald Duck. We plenty of those. *I correct him, asking for Howard the Duck.* No, you mean Donald Duck. *Correct him again* No, Donald Duck. *Exchange drones out for about 10 minutes*
Jaws 4- The Revenge: The only movie they actually had.
Plan 9 from Outer Space: The Chinese owner there looks at me with a strange look.
Given that the search was fruitless, I then checked out the local Rogers Video Store.
Battlefield Earth: Yeah, cool movie, gotta love the effects, but my manager doesn't want that video in our store for some reason.
Highlander II: We have Highlander: Endgame. No? That's not what you want?
Howard the Duck: You've got to be speaking of Daffy Duck. *corrects him, asking for Howard the Duck* No, you're asking for Daffy Duck, right *corrects him* Here's a Daffy Duck video. You can go to the checkout counter now.
Jaws 4: The Revenge: We did have it, but some VCR happened to chew the tape into bits. Not like the Manager Cares though.
Plan 9 from Outer Space: Uhhhh.....
Another Fruitless Search. I decide to head to my Local Blockbuster. Hopefully more luck there. At the counter is a very nice cutie.
Battlefield Earth: One copy. The Assistant nearby gives me a strange look as I scan the cover of the movie.
Highlander II: The only copy they have is on sale in the "Previewed Movies" bin for about 10 bucks. Says the Assistant- "We've been trying to get rid of this movie for the last 3 months now. I told the manager to reduce the price, but he apparently thinks that is the best movie ever made.
Howard the Duck: You mean Darkwing Duck? I refuse to get involved in this conversation.
Jaws 4- The Revenge: Someone has rented that movie out, and it has been overdue for the last month. Frankly, the Manager doesn't care. Not for THAT movie, though.
Plan 9 from Outer Space: What?
Well, if there is anything I learned today is that 1) this Grudge Match is completely useless if we cannot actually SEE the nominees, and 2) I've got to get the number of the cutie in the Blockbuster Store.
- Tahna Los
"In the future, future events will affect our future selves to do futuristic things in the future." Ed Wood, the mastermind behind Plan 9, arrives on the scene one night, the sun shining brightly off of his white sedan. He steps out of his black minivan, ready for his showdown with the Church of Scientology. John Travolta swears as he trips over a cardboard tombstone. He brushes dust off his suit and continues through the cemetary, occasionally ducking a flying cigar- shaped hubcap. Samuel L. Jackson, at his side, makes a comment about dirty animals. James Bond tells them their gym clothes make them look like dorks as they approach Ed Wood. Lea Thompson appears alongside Marty McFly in a flying DeLorean. Stock Footage of a large shark being disembowled is run for thirty seconds. Bond kills Travolta, and is then shot to death by Jackson. Lea and Marty tag-team Wood, and feathers fly. The whole thing is over in seconds, and Dracula stands victorious. But wait! he seems to be dead, too! The true victor? Peter Murphy, because Bela Lugosi's Dead.
- Safety Swami Pippin
There are only TWO ways to mess up a movie about natures most pefect biological bandsaw.
1. Have such a stupid idea about giving a fish the ability to reason and seek revenge from the grave without answering the question "Where the hell did these giant sharks suddenly appear from anyway?", and...
2. Making a movie about Greg Norman.
The other three movies were basically bad alien flicks, and there have been many, many of those to digest over the years, all competing to be the worst, and softening us up for the blow. How many bad Shark flicks have you ever seen?
Jaws 4 stands number one in a field of one. There was no warning, no blow softening, and no apology. The movie hit you out of left field like... well, like a shark to a scuba diver.
Jaws 4 takes the award... It just has to.
- Hyper Intelligent Fish ("Beware the white death that strikes from below like a bloodthirsty chainsaw!" Murray Ball)
BBBAAARRRFFF!!! (hey, I don't remember eating french fries) Well, I really must thank you guys for dragging up such painful memories! The only way I could even think about these "Certified Piles of Sh*t" was to light up every bag of hash in the state. But through the cloud of smoke I can see a vision of what is to happen...whoa...colors...
...Unknown to the crowd Mr T was quietly waiting on the catwalk high above the stage. Such acts of evil as these "movies" could not go unpunished. The Spirits of Mentos were angry and the great saint was here to put things right.
With his patented battle cry, "I'll throw you helluva far!", Mr T leapt from the shadows and drove his fist right through Howard the Duck's head. The dead duck's skull exploded just like a watermelon filled with fire crackers (Gallagher would be proud). Mr T rounded on the rest of those who had gathered for this horror show, they tried to escape but the doors were locked. The great one produced a stout length of rubber hose and began to beat Travolta, Connery, and Lambert like bald step-children with speech impediments while lecturing them for even daring to make these f*ckin movies! Satisfied, he walked past the cast of Planet as they were unworthy of his attention. In the confusion, his last two targets had escaped but he would have them soon enough...
...Later that night Mr T would be seen leaving Sea World at about the same time the cast and crew of Jaws 4 were found to have mysterously fallen in the shark tank (the original Jaws was mint level mentos and so a simple beating would not suffice). The great one would later be seen draggin Lucas by the collar while leading an angry mob of parents through downtown Hollywood. Lucas would be burned at the stake in order to purge the world of his sickly sweeet puppets, there would be no more of the likes of Jar-Jar or Ewoks...EVER!!!
...The Spirits of Mentos would be pleased...
- Follower of the Way of Mentos
Guys, you had five buttons and only four movies. What was supposed to come between BE and HtD?
Battlefield Earth, for the very obvious fact that Scientologists won't acknowledge how big of a stinker it is.
Think about it; you don't see Highlander fans enthusiastically argue about how great Highlander 2 was. There aren't mobs of Howard the Duck comic book geeks who loved the movie. And even the most devout Jaws fans will readily admit that Jaws: The Revenge is a cinematic turkey. And Plan 9 gets a break because it's by Ed Wood, Master of Chintz(tm)(R).
But Battlefield Earth? Venture into a Church of Scientology center, shout "Battlefield Earth was great!", and you'll suddenly be flocked by hordes of mindless, movie-tasteless Scientologists. These are the same folks who went to see Battlefield Earth repeatedly -- just because it's based on Hubbard's book! These people think John Travolta's platform shoes, whiplash makeup, and snivering laugh were great things in the movie! For that level of devotion, Battlefield Earth must get the Worst Movie Oscar, just to slam the point home that this movie sucks.
Of course, a rampaging herd of Scientologists will probably storm the Kodak Theater after the announcement is made, but that gives the LAPD an excuse to break out the riot gear. And that's a good thing, folks.
In science the most lasting breakthroughs are usually the result of accident rather than planning. Think of the discover of antibiotics, or gravity. "Highlander: The Quickening" is the Penicillin of bad movies. "Highlander" is itself one of the worst movies ever made. Everything about it reeks of disquality, from its insipid script to its incoherent editing to its poorly mixed sound to the wooden performance of its French star. Note here: An essential ingredient of any champion loser is the presence of French leadership. Here we have a French actor in the leading role. Yet, like a biologist leaving his culture dish exposed to the open air overnight, the powers behind "Highlander" happened upon a formula for an even worse movie than their stunningly bad original. "Highlander: the Quckening" is so bad that "Highlander" fans, who clearly have a nearly superhuman tolerance for aesthetic pain, cannot bear it. And, unlike "Battlefield Earth," these self-same fans hoped for something better. No viewer of "Battlefield Earth" had any reason to expect anything better than the festival of excreta they saw.
- Darth Dustry
I don't judge bad movies by any pretense of artistic merit. I simply judge them by how much I enjoy them, even if the only enjoyment I get is from mocking and belittling the movie. Now, consider this:
I laughed my head off at Jabootu.com's analyses of Battlefield Earth.
I laughed my head off at the same website's commentary of Highlander II.
I laughed my head off at Roger Ebert's review of Jaws: the Revenge.
I laughed my head off at almost anything anybody has ever written about the great Plan 9 From Outer Space.
But Howard the Duck hasn't amused me in the least. All it does is prove is that ducks aren't inherently funny and George Lucas can't slap his name on just any picture and make it a success.
- Oxymoron; reminding you that if a schmuck like me can get a ROTW, anybody can.
I find it mildly amusing how serious and heated some people get about these thingies. I sure hope I'm not like that when I'm older - *shudders* Furthermore, how they all try to impress people with their "deep insight" and thier eloquent use of the English language. Me, I say that Battlefeild Earth was just . . . doubleplusbad. It got the Mooney-Prongs Seal of Approval for the worst movie ever made, and trust me - we've seen both "Wizards of the Lost Kingdom" movies.
- ~* Minnie Lockhart *~
This was one of the most difficult to judge. All the movies are so terrible, I just want to crawl into a corner and dig my eyes out for having seen them. In order to make a fair judgement however, the movies(if you can call them that) must be broken down into what they intended to do, and what they accomplished.
Howard the Duck - right from the get go, this movie was intended to be something you could hang your brain at the door to watch. If you wanted to see a great movie you wouldn't go to something called Howard the Duck. It was meant to be silly, and silly it was. I was ten when I saw it, and I think that was about the age group it was targeted at. It was stupid, but there is always a market for stupid. (see Dude Where's My Car? for modern refference.)
Jaws The Revenge - Okay it capitalized on all the other big fish eats small man movies. It was made as something you could take your girlfriend to and make out for a couple of hours, without worrying you'd miss too much plot. All I remember about this particular movie experience was that she was wearing bublegum perfume, and my feet stuck to the floor, when she nearly jumped in my lap, cause the music startled her.(I can forgive any movie that puts a pretty girl in my lap.-- waddayawant I was fifteen!)
Plan Nine From Outer Space - Being too young ( not born)when it first came out, I saw this little jem only a couple of years ago. I laughed my ass off. I still don't know if Ed Wood had the worst sense of drama in the world, or the wickedest sense of humour. I choose the latter, and I love the movie. At the very least, it had Bella Legosi in the flick, and you have to love seeing that.
Highlander 2 The Quickening - This movie tried to be a big budget Sci- Fi Drama, meant to cash in on its predeccesor( one of my all time favorite movies, Highlander.) It not only failed big time, but offended the lovers of the first movie. Once I got over the fact that this movie had almost nothing to do with the first movie, I enjoyed it. After all, Michael Ironsides was fantastic as the villain, Sean Connery got some great lines, and people got decapitated. It was pure camp, but it surely isn't the worst movie ever made.
Battlefield Earth - This movie promised the stars and delivered the sewer. It was meant to be the vehicle to expose L.Ron Hubbard's vision of morality to the world. Instead, it may have inadvertantly turned many Scientoligists back to more mainstream religions. Lovers of big action and big story came away feeling cheated and insulted. The entire story is paper thin, the acting is painful to watch, and the special effects failed to take your mind off the dismal plot. It was in every way, a waste of celluloid.
Battlefield Earth will be the clear loser(winner?) of this sick little spectacle. It is the only movie that had no redeeming qualities whatsoever. I am sorry to say I saw all the entrants at one time or another, and despite them all being terrible, Battlefield Earth is the only movie I ever walked out on.
- Joseph (D.O.P.) Kayne
Plan 9 from Outer Space was the first one to go. It's longstanding place at the top has turned this movie into a cultural icon of sorts. If it makes sense, this movie was SO bad, it became good. So much for that movie.
Jaws: The Revenge died a quick death on this list. By simple virtue of it's connection to the movie that inspired my lifelong fear of open waters (I was 3 when the first one came out), this movie lost the right to the Oscar.
Battlefield Earth. A friend of mine and I rented the DVD, and came away disappointed. This movie didn't NEARLY live down to the hype about it. Yes, it used all of the classic bad camera tricks. Yes, it had plot holes you could drive a truck through. But the movie was laughably bad. It became a comedy through it's sheer ineptness. Too good for the Oscar.
Highlander 2. Even the renegade version sucked. Bad as Highlander 4 was, it removed 2 from existence in the Highlander storyline, which caused me to rejoice. Plus, it at least had good special effects and actors (Connery, Ironsides). No Oscar.
Howard the Duck. WE HAVE A WINNER!!! This film brought a new definition to the term "sucked". Some of the crappiest special effects you can find - BAD claymation. Pathetic acting. A story that should have been round-filed. It wasn't even comedicly bad - it was just BAD. Hands down, the winner.
- Ulkesh Naranek
Let's assume that all of these movies, no matter how pathetically made, were still produced with the purpose of making money. As long as this is true, all the contestants will actually be fighting for the little gold man, simply to boost sales once one emerges victorious.
I see it progressing as follows:
Steve: And the loser is...
There is a sudden rush from the side of the stage as Chris Lambert charges at Steve and slashes his tux, causing his pants to fall to the floor. He grabs the statuette.
Christopher: THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE! MUAHAHAHA!!! (Begins to jog off with the award)
John Travolta pops out from a trapdoor in the stage, aims carefully, and vaporizes the Highlander, causing his sword and stolen Oscar to clatter to the ground
John: He should have accelerated his central mass more rapidly. (Picks up Oscar) Now, maybe SOMEONE will do a sequel with me!
Suddenly, a coil of rope drops in front of the Dreadlocked Travolta, and a small white figure rappels down from the rafters quickly and quietly among the general panic that has taken hold of the audience. He deftly plucks the small gold figure from Travolta's claws while he is distracted by Ian McKellen's sudden pyrotechnic display in protest of not recieving an award. (TAKE ME NOT FOR SOME CONJURER OF CHEAP TRICKS! was a warning...)
Howard: I'll take that, thank you!
Howard the Duck drops to the floor and jets for the nearest exit. Whoopi Goldberg, now dressed as a security guard, is busy making riot jokes. Steve has his pants up again, and runs around waving his arms randomly. Suddenly, the ground rumbles, and, straight from the sewer that the Kodak was built on, Jaws crunches through the floor with incredible CGI effects. He catches Howard's leg, and Howard screams in a duck-like way as the Oscar flies out of his grip.
Heavy Scottish Voice from Curtains: I'll take that!!!
Sean Connery, in ancient Scottish dress, quick-steps out from the curtains and catches the award magnificently. He smiles smugly and shines it with a cuff, when suddenly the room grows quiet. Sean senses something wrong and looks at the audience, which is staring across the stage from him. He slowly turns his gaze, and, with a startled gasp, he recognizes the 3 somber figures staring at him with eyes of fire.
Brain in a Jar from The Brain That Wouldn't Die: We'll be taking that, Mr. Connery.
Connery, entranced by the brain's hypnotic voice, drops the Oscar to the ground, where it lands with a dead thump. He looks pained and tortured.
Connery: But...BUT WHY?
Torgo from Manos, the Hands of Fate: B-b-because, you have attempted to reach for something that is not yours.
Connery: What do you mean?!?
Eros from Plan 9: You mortals tried to harness the power of the B-Movie, and you FAILED! You cannot possibly comprehend the forces you were tampering with! You think that a bad plot, worse acting, and even worse editing can bring you within the realm of the B-Lords?!?
Connery falls to his knees
Connery: We...we never...
Brain in a Jar: SILENCE!
Connery cries like a baby. The trio pick up the fallen award and storm out of the theater, leaving the shocked and speechless audience in their silence.
NEVER MESS WITH A CLASSIC!!!
- -The Mad Josher
Hey, guys! I'm back! I'm a bit rusty, so I'll go on life experience here...
Highlander II is the only movie ever made that my friend Perry refuses to acknowledge.
"Highlander II was never made!" Perry would say. "For some unknown reason, they went from Highlander to Highlander III!"
So, due to the stubbornness of Perry, Highlander II wins the Oscar.
- Vlad, Prodigal Son of Wonder
I was going to vote for Battlefield Earth, but then I remembered an old story that made me change my mind...
In 1994, John Travolta met a wicked old witch. John was sad, because all his film roles were drying up, and he was afraid no-one would like him anymore. So the witch made him a deal: He would get a great role, but it would later come back to haunt him via a really crappy one.
Of course, he soon became Vincent Vega in Pulp Fiction, and even got to star with Samuel L. Jackson, pumping his Badass rating to a new high... well, as high someone that was on "Welcome Back Kotter" can achieve, but anyway...
In this hype, he soon forgot about his deal with the wicked old witch. He let his guard drop. He made some bad films, but his ego had finally broken his mind. Battlefield Earth was made, and the wicked old witches cruelty had come full circle.
So don't punish this poor man anymore. I award the Worst Picture Academy Award to Howard the Duck, because George Lucas really should have taken this story and its tragic moral aboard when he made Episode I. He needs to be punished somehow, and if this is what it'll take to snap him out of his madness, so be it.
- Mixmaster Flibble
Admitidly I haven't seen all the movies in question. Truthfully, I've only seen one.
That movie is Battlefield Earth.
I read the book and got kind of excited about the movie. Ignored the reviews because what do critics know anyway? Paid my $8.50 to see the show and then after 5 minutes in I knew it was going to suck, it was going to suck worse than Spawn. The director did more wipes than a bum on a NYC street corner. I kept thinking that the projectioner was tilted but it wasn't! Books could still be read, Jets were still armed and fueled. FORT KNOX HAD GOLD INSIDE! I want that 90 minutes of my life back.
- Mike "So this is what an anuerism feels like" Grote
Well I voted for Highlander 2, because to paraphrase the worlds of Bartholomew Simpson, it both sucks and blows. But it is not the worst movie of all time..... not by far. All of these movies are at least amusingly bad.... they aren't even in the league of "Batman and Robin" (cost more and sucked more than Battlefield Earth). I went to a free screening when it came out, and i still felt ripped off. My roomate threw his shoe at the screen(there's your answer Mr. Powers, I know who throws a shoe, my roomate, thats who) Even free popcorn and M&Ms could wash the wreched taste out of my mouth. You know what the english did to William Wallace in Braveheart? Well thats too good for Joel Schumacher....... oh, sorry, I was ranting..... I haven't seen that maggot infested piece of tripe of a movie in about 5 years, and it still pisses me off. Definitely the worst movie ever.
- Amish Commando
First off, I would like to thank you so much for having a redo of the Best Pictures award! I still can't believe "A Beautiful Mind" won.
That Oscar should have gone to Lord of the Rings! Pfft, schizophrenic mathemeticians, bah! If you really want mental disorders, take a look at Gol-
Wait, this isn't a redo of the Best Picture??
*looks at the contestants* The Worst Picture? Uummmm...Highlander II. That movie sucked monkey ass. Period. Now where was I? Oh yes, pshycotic Hobbits gone bad...
- Catie, Bastard Daughter of the Knights Who Say "NI!"
Highlander 2 broke the cardinal rule of the series:
There can be only one.
- R.W. Mead
Man, the Academy must have cash up to their earlobes now, if Warner Bros. came up with a big enough bribe to keep Batman and Robin off the list of nominees. But back to the issue at hand, the winner should be obvious if you look back at Grudge Match history:
Battlefield Earth featured John Travolta, who, as part of the
Pulp Fiction team, lost his Grudge Match.
- Infraggable Krunk
How is Batman and Robin not a choice here? Did the bat-nipples remind you of motherhood? Or the bat-credit card of the stinging social commentary from movies unrelated to Batman? Perhaps the acres and acres of neon tubing convinved you that a movie with so much noble gas couldn't just be a irredeemable fart? I'll have Jaws 4 or Howard the Duck tattooed on my eyelids before watching Batman and Robin again.
But then again, the Batman franchise ended after Batman Returns. I don't remember the existence of a fourth (or third) Batman. Just the two on video shelves, next to the solitary Highlander movie.
- Kilgore Trout
There can be only one...bag of crap as bad as Highlander II.
FACT: Highlander II is the single film on this list whose makers added "The Making of" footage to explain why it sucked so badly.
FACT: According to the above-mentioned footage, this film was made by...Brace yourself...AN INSURANCE COMPANY!! (See the IMDB Trivia entry if you doubt me). Explains a lot, doesn't it?
FACT: Fortunately, Braveheart has more than balanced the hell-born Scottish-Bad-Movie-Mojo brought into being by the Highlander sequels.
FACT: Battlefield Earth actually did some good: If it hadn't blown a big hole in Travolta's career he might have enough money by now to buy some real airpower to supplement his private jets...like, say a B-2. Sure wasn't good the last time he got ahold of one of those...
- Mr. Silverback- Hold the haggis! For the love of God hold the haggis!
"Jaws: The Revenge." Why? Anyone who is being followed by a Great White Shark should have enough brains to move to Nebraska.
Without a doubt, Highlander II: The Sickening, is the worst film of all time. The celluloid it's printed on can't show itself at film festivals for the shame that such trash brings to it.
As anyone who has survived watching it knows, it completely contradicts everything in the rest of Highlander canon. Christopher Lambert, Sean Connery, and Michael Ironside probably don't list it among their film credits. Everything about it sucks big bat brass cannonballs.
You know how they say "There can be only one?" Well, there can be only one, and that's the original Highlander; the other three films are poor, but the Barfening outperforms them all in terms of suckiness. Russel Mulcahy, the director, probably denies having ever even touched that concept, and the writers, Greg Wilden and Brian Clemens, should never be allowed near a word processor, typewriter, or even pen and paper for as long as they live if they ever turn out anything resembling the Pukening ever again.
Highlander II: the Projectile Vomiting easily takes this Worst Film award in a landslide. The Academy hated it, hands down!
- D-kun, who wants to get "a head" in life
Howard the Duck must get the award and I'll tell you why. It goes deeper than revenge and is more horrible than a Veitnam POW Camp (TM). It comes from Real-Life (TM).
It was the month of March. A friend and I had gone to a card tournament. Not just any card tournament mind you, in the tradition of Magic:The Gathering(TM) this was a CCG(TM) tournament, but not just any CCG(TM), it was Lord of the Rings(TM)!!
Now some cruel, insane soul (it must have been a Nazgul(TM) for no human could be this heartless) decided to play Howard the Duck (I will not dignify it with a TM) on the TV in the store. After I won my first game, I made a grevious blunder in looking up at the set and seeing this horrid movie. Like a car-crash(TM) I knew i should look away but every few minutes I was drawn back to the insanity. As a result I lost the following three games!! My deck and strategy was flawless, truly the only way I could have loss was to be infected by that "so-called-movie". The stench-that-is-Howard-the-Duck hung so thick over the store that someone had to put in a bootlegged copy of Lord of the Rings(TM). Yet 3 hrs of this awesome movie (plus even the Mentos-level of Coolness(TM)-fact that it's not technically out on video) wasn't enough to clense the air. Clearly this isn't a movie but a threat-to-Mankind(TM). Please, PLEASE grant me my revenge and paint a dynamite stick oscar-gold(TM) so everyone involved in that movie can be mercilessly removed from our gene pool!!
Ah, you have forgotten one major factor that applies to any movie of immense suckitude:
All movies made with the blessing of the Baptist Church will suck more than an apostle misinterpreting the "consume the body of Christ" reference.
And Plan Nine From Outer Space was one of them.
Look at their track record:
Left Behind: The Movie: Kirk Cameron as porn-star named "Buck Williams" tries to take out a Russian accented Satan, who seems to be more apt on world peace than 500 Bonos combined. Any flick with "The Movie" in it's title will automatically suck. Plus they released in on video, before it got to the theaters. Man.
Apocolypse IV: Some chick is put on trial for "hating the human race." Mr. T is in the movie, yet somehow it's entertainment value falls somewhere between watching paint dry and the average Carrot Top 1-800-Call-ATT commercial
and Revelation which delivers that classic line "Do you really have to smoke those things?" "Look, sis, any dope can quit smoking, it takes a real man to deal with lung cancer."
The only thing that can come close is Battlefield Earth's blessing from Scientology, but scientology blessing was also given to the Muppet Babies and Dungeon and Dragons cartoon series. Everyone loves Skeeter and Gonzo, so it just can't work.
Ed Wood taking funding from a Baptist church to make it seals Plan Nine taking it in a blaze of Jesusy goodness
- Peanuts"I'm adding thousands of centuries to my time in Purgatory with this" Pat
Fact is, any time the public (whether they be magazine readers, TV watchers, or net denizins) are asked to vote on a best movie, there can only be 2 possibilites.
a) Star Wars
It's similar for Worst movie. Since The Phantom Menace isn't in the runnings here, Battlefield Earth takes it.
I don't watch movies anymore, i've seen too many bad ones. none of these are among the one's i've seen. so, i've once again had to turn to my special brand of flawed logic, or flogic.
way I see it, it's between Highlander II and Jaws 4, because sequels are always bad. so, it's gotta be jaws 4, because highlander used roman numerals. roman numerals=cool.
voice of reason appears "What about Rocky V? Rocky V had roman
numerals, and that was crap."
due to forces beyond my control, I am placing my vote for Rocky VII for the Worst Movie Oscar.
I have to be thankful for my countries notorious censorship board. They may be innanely stupid, like rating Shaft R(A) because of a single scene where the chick flashes her tits, and other similiarly non-sex related movies R(A), but at least they have the decency to NOT let us see such bad movies as Howard, Jaws 4, Plan 9 (ok, they actually showed it for a week, but no one watched it, save for the film reviewers, and even then they did it under duress), and Highlander II (I heard that the police had to forcibly remove the only reel of it from some highlander junkie who wanted to set fire to it in a public place).
Unfortunately, they didn't screen out Battlefield Earth. And my parents thought that it would be a good movie because, hey, it had JOHN TRAVOLTA! And honestly, so did I. I had never been so wrong in my entire god-forsaken life. The grudge-match review of it was incredibly accurate. The movie was so obnoxiously stupid that it had decided to regularly include captions like 'mankind is dying' or something to that effect. And of course, the Hero (who isn't Travolta, thank god)screams in agony when his horse dies, just like how he screamed when his father died. Oh, and his scream is a long, undulating one, perfect for hiding from guards.
However, I foresee that once Battlefield Earth wins this Grudge-match competition, Travolta will just see it as 'Battlefield Earth has won a prize!', and so he will make a sequel, fuelled by his delusional visions of granduer for his movie (which also had, in true star-trek style, wierd alien chicks) Based on this, I picked all other categories OTHER than BE (Mr. T hadn't caught onto the fact that chicago citizens can use a fake moustache to vote, therefore bypassing him)
- god help me....
And the Oscar goes to... suddenly the drum rolls cuts out and the sound of a badly tuned 60's electric organ rolls out from the speakers of the Kodak Theater. do-do-dee-do-do-do-dee-do... and out of the side curtain slowly walks a short scragly bearded man wearing a fishing hat and gray dirty suit. He carries a black walking stick, his face ticks and twitches, and he has the most horrific monster feature of all time... BIG KNEES! It's Torgo, last seen with hand aflame, running into the darkness of Manos(hands) the Hands of Fate. Directed by Hal Warren (director and fertilizer salesman extraordianre.) This film was so bad it drove three of it's cast members to suicide shortly after its release, including Torgo: John Reynolds, but he is back to accept the award for Mr. Warren for worst film of all time!
Stepping past The 2nd unit Gaffer for the proclaimed winning film Battlefield Earth, Torgo speaks! "I-I-I...w-would like to thank the members of the acad-acad...those people for this great honor. I take care of the place while the Master is Away...I like to fondle women in trances" quiet laughter from third row center "I would like to gi-give a shout out to my main man God-Allah, and all my peeps." *a single tear rolls down Torgo's "Chainsaw sculpted" TM cheek* "If not for the love of my Ma-Master this moment would no-not be possible...and now I would like to recite from Sa-Samuel Taylor Colleridge's Rhime of-of the A-a-a-a-ncient Ma-mariner"
Screams of horror are heard throughout the audience, and a single shot is fired killing Torgo...again. "Thanks folks," says the 2nd unit gaffer as he accepts the award, and slinks off stage.
Plan 9 was bad because it was in black and white. Battlefield Earth is worse because it's in blue and purple.
- Vito "El Kabong" Stromaglia
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