George Burns sits atop His throne in Heaven, slowly shaking His head.

"Why so glum, God?" asks John Denver, His right hand man.

"Well, as you know, France is still acting up. Not playing nice with the rest of the world... nuclear proliferation... and then there's that whole Jerry Lewis thing. I'm afraid I've got no choice but to smite Paris."

"That's a good thing, right?" asks Denver. "I thought you liked smiting."

"I used to, but it's gotten tiresome. A little repetitive, you know. A flood here, some fire and brimstone there. Plagues... I really liked the plagues... but that's been done. And I've used the Germans the last two times I've smited France. But what's left? The Swiss? Nobody will buy that."

"Hmmm... that's an interesting problem. But here's a thought: didn't you also say that you thought the United States had become too pre-occupied with their popular culture?"

"Oh, I've been saying that for decades. I even tried to appear in some of their movies to distract them away, but it just got worse."

Denver begins putting a plan together. "How about teaching both sides a lesson? Take the most powerful figures from American pop culture, and have them fight it out in Paris. Most of those figures will be eliminated, and Paris will be totally smoted. You certainly haven't done something like that before."

"Very interesting, John. That's why I called you up here: outside the box thinking! My only concern, though... what about the winner? Won't he be elevated to near god-like status by winning such a... what's the word... tournament?"

"Maybe. But he'll be so busy answering fan mail that he won't have time to bother you. And if so... you can just smite him. Turn him into a pillar of fudge or something."

"Excellent idea! Let the tournament begin!"

As dawn breaks over Paris, the contestants begin to gather.

As they did before, The Satellite of Love appears overhead, moors itself to the Eiffel Tower, and lowers a ridiculously long rope. Mike, Tom Servo and Crow, all dressed up as Musketeers, rappel safely to the ground. The MST3K crew quickly rendezvous with Joel Hodgson and his specially made Pepe le Pew Putridity Projecting Pistol.

Another spaceship follows closely thereafter, landing near Notre Dame. The Millennium Falcon opens its hatch and out comes Yoda and Chewbacca. "A nice flight we had, despite Master Solo's prior commitment." Chewbacca roars in agreement. "Walk apart we must, find positions before fighting we begin." Chewbacca again roars in agreement. Yoda heads in one direction, while Chewbacca, blasters in paw, heads in another.

A flaming biplane roars overhead, then crash lands along the Champs-Elysees. Climbing from the wreckage comes Indiana Jones, his fedora slightly singed but otherwise intact. As Chewbacca walks by, they exchange quizzical looks. Indy grabs his whip and pistols and heads to his designated starting position.

Into the heart of the city races a custom GMC van that comes screeching to a halt outside the Louvre. Mr. T gets out, armed to the teeth. Out of the back of the van hops Jackie Chan. "Thanks for the ride, Mr. T!" "No problem, Chan man. Now get outta here before I kill you, fool!" Jackie heads down a street, scanning the area for any prop-type weapons he can find.

Atop the Arc de Triomphe, a bright white light appears, which slowly transforms into the figure of Gandalf. He surveys the city, and quickly notices a group of mimes near the base of the structure. With a wave of his wand, he knocks them all into a nearby fountain.

Finally, from the outskirts of the city comes a low roar, and clouds of dust can be seen. A battalion of tanks and support infantry move towards the city, with fighter support screaming overhead. As the forces reach the edge of the city, the lead tank comes to a stop and the hatch opens. Out pops George W. Bush, goofily wearing a helmet a la Michael Dukakis and his now famous flight suit. He grabs a megaphone and announces to the city, "We have come for your freedom fries! Hand them over or face inhalation!"

John Denver looks down at the scene. "God, does that last contestant really qualify as 'pop culture'?"

"Just look at him in that helmet. Listen to how he talks. You don't think that's entertainment?"

So who wins the WWWF Tournament of Tournament of Champions Champions, an event so big that only God can stage it?

Following our Tournament of Champions tradition, we will hold off on any 8-way commentary
to allow you, the viewer, more leeway in your voting and reponses.

The Results

Yoda (1619 - 31.1%)

is All-Time WWWF Champion over

Gandalf (831 - 16.0%)

Mr. T (587 - 11.3%)

MST3K (569 - 10.9%)

U.S.A. (523 - 10.0%)

Indiana Jones (462 - 8.9%)

Jackie Chan (350 - 6.7%)

Chewbacca (264 - 5.1%)

Current Match | Related & Similar Matches
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RESPONSE OF THE WEEK GRUDGIETM

There are several ways to do this:

1. The Praise-Your-Choice-And-Badmouth-Everyone-Else way. "MST3K is a dork and some robots, Yoda is a shrivled Kermit the Frog, Gandalf is a pathetic old man, Mr. T is an Eighties hack, the U.S.A. is led by a monkey, Chewbacca is a walking rug, and Jackie Chan...uh...he just sucks. ALL HAIL INDIANA JONES, LORD AND MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE."

2. The Bring-In-As-Much-Grudge-Match-Related-Slang-As-You-Can way. "While Yoda has Mentos (TM) level coolness, Chewbacca is the living embodiment(TM) of THE RAGE(TM). They beat the crap (TM) out of everyone else (TM) until several chihuahuas (TM), directed by Wesley Crusher (TM), come in and eat (TM) them. Then Mr. T (Mr. TM) lays the smackdown (TM) on Wesley because (TM) STAR TREK CANNOT WIN (TM). Then 5 billion (TM) English Soccer Hooligans (TM) run over him. Then they die from craftily concocted (TM) French cooking (TM), featured on the Simpsons (TM). And thus (TM), everyone is mangled and killed (TM)."

3. The Connect-As-Many-Roles-As-You-Can way. "Indy IS the president of the USA, and he has Chewie under his finger. But Gandalf (Richard III) will utilize his Alternate Totalitarian 1940s English troops that look suspiciously like Nazis and invade. And then Miss Piggy, along with Chon Wang, defeat them all. And then... um... what else has Joel Hodgson been in?"

Finally, the ultimate way, the way I'm going with:

4. The Lazy way. Chewbacca, because he comes first alphebetically. Oh yeah.

- Logicus

ROTW Silver Medal GrudgieTM

Ignorant people, fat people and ignorant fat people. That is one thing the good ole’ US of A seems to be the world leader in, in fact we are over stocked. My plan for the USA win involves thousands of catapults with signs calling them the “Sizzler” or “Tilt a’ Whirl” filled with bearclaws, peach cobbler, KFC, professional wrestling and Jerry Springer tapes. Sure, Jackie Chan may be able to fight off armies if they only come at him one at a time but how is he going to deal with a ton of big boned southern belles and husky cornfed Iowa farm girls falling from the sky down like so many drops of Cubby Rain (tm). As a great man once said "Whoo Who! Look at that blubber fly."

- Milo Bloom

ROTW Bronze Medal GrudgieTM

"Sorry to say this, I don't think Yoda has been that good from the get-go; I think what we've had here is a little social concern in the WWWF. The media has been very desirous that a tiny Jedi do well, tiny Jedis and Ewoks doing well. There is a little hope invested in Yoda, and he's got a lot of credit for the performance of the Star Wars(tm) franchise that he didn't deserve. The Skywalkers carried this franchise."

- Rush Limbaugh

Would a Just God allow such a match to happen? No. It follows, then, since God is not Just, then there is no Justice If there is no Justice, then by definition, MST3K must prevail because all of the other players historically prevail on the assumption that Justice and a Just God are on their side. How's that for a counterfactual syllogism?

- Dr. Stones

- Grudge-Pops™: 'Nuff said.

And so Gandalf, Yoda, and the crew of the Satalite of Love work together for a few days and devide the world between them, making a better future for the human race. World peace is achieved, world hunger is eraticated, and racism disappears. Indeed, even dogs and cats are living together (despite the opinion of Peter Venkman, this is NOT a sign of armageddon). The world is a better place all because of Gandalf's idea, so he gets the trophy, but Yoda, Mike, Crow, and Tom Servo can all come and bask in it's glory free of charge. And they all lived happily ever after. The End. *sappy end-credits music*

- The Brain Gremlin

Jackie Chan - First of all, let me say that Jackie could definitely do some damage with a loaf of French bread. However, he is here because he won at The Running Man in a post-apocalyptic future. That’s nothing compared to Paris; a city where one wrong move could have you run over by a pie wagon or getting your head lopped off by brigands after ducking into a dark alleyway. To hide and rethink his strategy, Jackie ducks into the centuries-old sewer system. If he does not immediately die as a result of this, he will want to.

Chewbacca - He won a dating contest and walked off with the lovely Snow White, so Chewie likely has romance on the brain in this, the City of Lovers. Unfortunately, most French women are probably hairier than Chewie. This would definitely take the edge off of even the fiercest Wookiee’s spirit, and Chewie would likely run, moping, back to the arms of his princess, where all is right.

Mr. T - Gotta give our mascot his due, but he won by escaping the Death Star and beating up several dozen Stormtroopers. If this was “Escape From Germany”, T would win hands down, but Paris is full of cobblestone streets (then fall, mighty van) and tall buildings, meaning T can only throw anybody “helluva near”. It ends when T’s cries of “Foo!” bring the Paris Fire Brigade, who thought he was yelling “Feu!” T is doused with water and, his jewellery ruined, is left weeping on the street.

MST3K - These guys haven’t aged well, have they? How they actually won TOC IV, other than via a mass sympathy vote, is something I’ve never been able to fathom. Sure, mocking movie characters is relatively effective, but Boba Fett, King Arthur, and even Spock came from good movies, and taunts wouldn’t work on Death or the Hooligans anyway and… argh! I don’t know! And their MO of taunting won’t work against the French, who have mastered such creative epithets as “your mother was a hamster and your father reeked of elderberries!” How can Mike and the Bots beat that? They end their miserable existences by throwing themselves into the Seine.

U.S.A. - These guys won by quelling an uprising in their capital. But this time they’re far from the comforting bosom of Mother Capitalistic Hyper Militaristic Juggernaut, and thus will be looking for some form of consolation. The servicemen will find it in French hookers and eventually drop dead of diseases that are normally only found in rodents elsewhere in the world. And Dubya’s down once he finds out he can get high from smoking escargot, and becomes an ineffective leader. More ineffective, even.

Indiana Jones - He escaped the depths of HAL/Tron, which will do him no good in low-tech Paris. A strong contender, but as soon as he sees the Notre Dame Cathedral, he’ll abandon the fight and sneak inside, looking for the Toenails of John the Baptist or something. He gets dropped from the tower by an angry hunchback.

Gandalf - He won by defeating Carrot Top, who I’m sure even the French view as low comedy. But this is Sir Ian, after all, and do you think he could concentrate on a fight in the heart of “Gay Paree” for long? Gandalf falls to the same diseases that claimed the USA servicemen, and a million LOTR fans throw themselves on their own Glamdrings.

Yoda - Yoda won Survivor. Survivor takes place on a quaint little locality, that nonetheless is considered the armpit of the world at large, is crawling with all kind of exotic diseases, monstrous vermin, and people are forced to live on a diet of the most disgusting things. Just like France! Yoda will hardly be fazed by Paris, and will simply watch as the competition gets swallowed up, before making quick work of Paris with his lightsaber and funky battle moves. “Well, that was quick.”

God-George Burns says. “Now, how do we get rid of the green thing?” “I have a suggestion.” A voice from across the room says. Burns turns and sees his alter ego, Devil-George Burns. “Send Moses after him. It worked on the CBUB, which is, after all, my perversion of the Grudge Match.” Like you didn’t know it already.

- Oxymoron, the guy who spelled his name wrong in TOC I.

- Dom (Out of curiousity, I wonder how Indiana Jones would fare at landing the Millenium Falcon - scary thought, no?)

Drawing on Grudge Match rules (past characters may be used, etc etc), the U.S. government can select any number of GM champions from its considerable ranks. An army of champions could be organized to march on Paris, completely destroying the city (and any non-American competitors). Or, if they wanted it to be quick, the government could unleash a double attack of Roseanne and Carrot Top. ::cringes:: Fatalities would probably be severe on both sides.

- Scotty J. - Don't EVER make me imagine that again please

- 32_Footsteps, the Eve of Destruction

They moved through the city, destroying each opponent, and even got revenge on Gandalf for ditching them. But soon, they came upon an enemy they never expected. “So, you are the ones known as Mike, Tom Servo and Crow. You rival us in popularity.” “As do you.” Mike replied, serious in front of this enemy. Both sides charged, believing they would be the winner. Arthur waved his sword. “No other combatants are as loved as us!” That’s when they hear the Chihuahuas. you guys need some new combatants.

- Mr. Chaos (you guys need some new combatants.)

Elsewhere, in the streets of Paris, Chewbacca is momentarily stymied when meeting Indiana Jones. He looks like Han, but what’s up with the whip? Indiana’s attempt to scare off the wookie with his strap of leather proves to be the battle’s biggest blunder, as the wookie pummels him with a French poodle. While American forces are being harassed by angry Parisians, and possibly Al Queda insurgents, the real battle begins between Yoda and Gandalf. These two duke it out while the Americans approach. When George W. sees them, he naturally believes Gandalf to be the bigger threat of the two. Who can take a two-foot muppet seriously? Tired from battling Yoda, Gandalf succumbs to the full attack of the American forces. The last thing he hears is, “I pity the fool!”

Jackie and Mr. T then confront Chewbacca. Unfortunately, all three are killed by US friendly fire. With Yoda left to face the American forces, things look grim for our Jedi Master. But wait! His army of cloned storm troopers appears and sends the Americans scurrying into cafes. It’s just Yoda and George. Held by his Jedi vows to eliminate evil, Yoda moves in for the kill. George, sensing impending doom, tries to talk his way out of danger. Not having a prepared script, he buys himself a nanosecond of time. His last thoughts are that maybe he will join Anakin, Ben, and Yoda in the afterlife. Maybe later Princess Laya and her golden bikini will join them, and then it’s AWOL party-on time in paradise. Maybe not.

- Sid

Suddenly, Cylons and the Enterprise vie for supremacy in the skies above Endor! Spider-Man and the Michael Keaton Batman team up to beat back Jason Vorhees and Hannibal Lector aboard Babylon 5! A hastily-assembled strike team of boxers, wrestlers, rottweilers, acid-resistant raptors, and the T-800 are all that stands between Earth and the horrifying alliance between Dr. Evil, Khan, and the undead specter of Carrot Top! Calvin, Bart, Malcolm Wilkerson, and Jason Fox unite to ruin every slumber party they can! The Death Star brings its weapons array to bear upon an ID4 mothership while John McClane, Gary Coleman, and the Justice League watch in horror! The goal of the TINJ^TM, clearly, aided by such luminaries as Q, is nothing less than the collapse of the entire pop-culture multiverse! No longer will movies, books, video games, television shows, and comic books all exist within independent and self-sustaining universes; instead, they will all clump together into an indistinguishable polyglot, running into each other like watercolors in the rain. In this new and bizarre single universe, the only people who'll know what the hell is going on--who will be able to reconcile the threads of dizzying continuity into a cohesive whole--will be the TINJ^TM, and with the most powerful champions of pop culture occupied in a pointless bout with each other, who is left to stop them?

The TINJ^TM's downfall is, obviously, in thinking they could pull the wool over George Burns's eyes. In theory, they've tricked the only men who could stop them into eliminating each other, and by "each other" I mean "jobbing to Mr. T," until the TINJ^TM can mop up the bloodied and exhausted victor. In practice, Paris is strewn with clues to the TINJ's^TM plot, like finding candy in a pinata. As the Rage^TM swells and French buildings collapse like excuses to invade Iraq, each of the contestants will slowly become aware that something else is going on here. The Eiffel Tower falls over, showing Indiana Jones half of a mural with a mysterious code; when Jackie Chan tricks Gandalf into fireballing the Riviera, the burning buildings spell out the first syllables of a warning in a language that only Yoda knows; Mr. T will pity Chewbacca straight through a baguette shop where one of the TINJ's^TM minions has dropped his Palm Pilot. These men are not stupid. They are Grudge Match Champions^TM, and when you present them with such overwhelming evidence, they will act.

The TINJ^TM ("Our Motto: Leading to Utterly Retarded Grudge Match Outcomes For Over... Half a Decade"), cackling at the success of their plan, will find the outer defenses of their base deep within the Himalayas assaulted by not only wave after wave of superheroes, but by the full force of the United States military and an angry Wookiee. Indiana Jones, Jackie Chan, Yoda, and Mr. T will sneak in while the guards are distracted, to force a showdown with the mastermind of the TINJ^TM, the diabolical supergenius who made all this possible. In the scuffle, the mastermind's mask comes off, revealing... Sam. To be continued in The Tournament of Tournament Champion Champions, Episode V: The Jihad Strikes Back!

- Thomas Wilde

MR. T: Let's see here--big, hulking belligerent brute bossed around by a geriatric quasi-know-it-all. Yep, it's Ugrik (sp?), Chieftain of the Orcs all over again. Gandalf made the Orcs' boss (Saruman) his bitch, and the rest of the army gradually fell apart.
CHEWBACCA: Another big, not-too-bright giant, Chewy reminds me quite a lot of Bjorn, the werebear from "The Hobbit". Here was a guy who had the strength and the Rage (TM) to rip apart any army single- handedly, and throughout most of the book he's playing nanny to a bunch of little people thanks to an apparent order by...yep, you guessed it... Gandalf. Next!
YODA: Buggy-eyed, lives in a swamp, speaks strangely...yep, it's Gollum. The same Gollum who Gandalf said would "play a major role in the destruction of the ring" in Book 3 and did...by falling to his doom. All Gandalf has to do is declare that Yoda will play a "major role" in turning the tide of this battle and Yoda will probably fall off the Eiffel Tower and land on somebody. Or something like that. Twisted karma.
USA: A once prospering nation now under the iron fist of an egomaniacal, bloodthirsty tyrant. Yep, it's the entire nation of Middle Earth, under Sauron's rule (or at least the threat thereof). 'Nuff said.

So Gandalf wins, but spares the destruction of France because it (way back when it was known as Gaul) was once a stronghold for his fellow Druids. Chagrined, God leans back in his easy chair and lights up another Cohiba...

- RoboGoober Version 2

- Thrillhouse

Meanwhile. The US military moves, detecting some WoMD's having gone off, gives chase toards the hangar where the Bots met their demise. Yoda, looking for some turf that he can call his own, looks for a slime-ridden mudhole, heads towards the Red-light district. Chewie heads away from Yoda, and heads into the fashion district. He's ambushed by a much of homosexual fashion designers, and despite ripping many arms out of their sockets, is overcome by many French fashion model Bodyguards (fortunately, in the Fracas Kevin Costner is dispatched), and he is then skinned of his pelt, and his head is stuffed then donated to the Jaques Cousteau strange creature museum. Exit Chewbacca. Chan heads for the Warehouse district, to be in a maze of industrial clutter, to heighten his advantage. Indy heads to the museum, and finds the Idol he lost to René Belloq. He Steals it, sets off the alarm, and gets chased out into the streets by the Gendarme.

Gandalf, Sits on top of the Arch De Truimp, as the Gendarme try to capture him, he reaches his hand out, and a fly lands on it. Thinking he can bring a large bird to escape, he trys to telepath to the fly, but the fly just answers back "Who's your Daddy? You know Who's your Daddy? I'm your daddy! You know why I'm your daddy?" (Makes humping action to the air) "'cause I did this to your mommy!". Gandalf turns around to see Jaques Cluseau stumble into him, knocking him off the Arch, and blammo! He adds to the pavement's Grey. Exit Gandalf (And Cluseau managed to survive the fall by landing on Gandalf). Mr. T, heads for the nearest french ICBM site, crashes through the fence, whereupon the mititary stationed there Surrenders to the mohawked psycho.

Noon, CESMST™: The US army plods toards the airport... French military commanders think they might loose their reputation by managing to beat the US army. George "Dubya" Bush gets out of the tank and says, "We know ya fellers have weapons of mass distruction, give them up before we blow yall to kingdome come and make oilfields out of your architecture!" The french, decided to use the true MOAB (Mother of all Bombs), and go to the French Cinema archive, and play in a continuous loop the entire filmography of Christopher Lambert's career. Mike, wakes up at this point from his stench-induced Slumber™, sees Highlander II playing, and keels over dead...Exit Mike. Bush tries to defy, but the Field commanders scoop him up and hasitly retreat. Bush tells them who is in command, and leads the army to regroup.... in the Paris Stadium... while the World Cup is going on...with England Vs. France... The tanks enter and smash the English's star goalie... upon which the hooligans attack, Bush comes out and tries to pacify the crowd, upon which the holligans attack with methalated spirits, gumming up the tank treads and rendering them useless. Meanwhile, someone throws a net over Bush, and ties him up. "We Did it old chap!" Wallace says to Grommit, "We fianlly caught Curious George. C'mon, let's find the man with the yellow hat!" Exit Bush. The rest of the army is dismanteled 10 minutes later when some of the hoooligans open up the tank hatches and spew into them. Meanwhile, MR. T, securing a tac nuke from the only ICBM without a conspicuous Intel™ Inside decal on it, heads towards the Eiffel Tower.

Sunset, CESMST™: Indy, escapes to the red-light district, and as the master of disguise he is, manages to crossdress and look like your standard, unshaven, french hooker. He runs into Yoda, who looks him over and says, "Man you are, like a bloody sheila dressed, yes..." Indy pulls out his whip..."Ahh, Dominatix you want to be, Come, lots of money to make..." Jackie Chan, tugging an arsenal of chairs, ladders, metal shrapnel, and the like, sees this exhange, and his Supercop™ tendecies kick in and try to break up that prostitution ring. Meanwhile, the french military, seeing more american icons invading, and thinking that since they did the brilliant move that defeated the American army (when, in actuality, it was the English Soccer Hooligans™), Sees Chan, Yoda, and Indy in a back-alley slugging it out, and without the particular french odor around them, knows they aren't french, and gives chase Benny Hill style towards the Eiffel tower. Mr. T, meanwhile, has affixed the Tac Nuke to the top of the Eiffel Tower, used his welding torch to cut the Eiffel Tower from it's base, and has already painted it black with a red stripe.

Midnight, CESMST™: Yoda, Chan, and Indy run straight towards the Eiffel Tower, and stop, looking at a 1982 Custom GMC Van, and stare with a deer- in-the-headlights look. The French military looks, sees what T has done to the Eiffel Tower. The Commandant, pissed at the vandalism of french architecture, gets on the megaphone and says, "Zees eez zee French Army, You, you zon of a zilly perzon, have vandalizes our precious architecteur! prepare to zurrender, si vouz plait, or ve shall taunt you again!!!" Surrender this, Sucka! The almight T says, and lifts the Eiffel tower off it's foundations, and does something unprecendented in the history of Mr. T webcomics...he doesn't throw it Helluva Far™, he throws it Helluva High! "I pity the foos that think they can taunt the T!", he saus, as he drives off Helluva Fast™, leaving the rest to stare at each other and wonder what the T just did. Just then, they all look up, and see the Eiffel Tower, which T has turned into a giant lawn-dart with a nuclear warhead on it... The gold-enhanced chest of Mr. T protects him from the fallout, as Paris is turned into a crater the size of Jerry Jones' Ego™. Exit Yoda, Indy, Chan, and what was left of the French army... Viva La Mr. T!

- Keeper of the Light...may the Iron Fist be merciful.

As for least popular, I think thats obvious when you look at the competition. Ask any average citizen; this country could go down the tubes for all we care, as long as we have our heroes of the screen to fulfill our needs of action, fantasy, and physical humor. So, W and his boys win the match, America is greatly demoralized by the loss of our beloved fictional characters, and France is reduced to a sub-iraqi state of repair. Maybe not the happiest ending, but better than the idea of the nation being run by the current lineup of California nominees. Then again, if any of this match's lineup were president, no one could touch us. The MST crew would at least be more amusing the current one. And probably as effective.

- Jaken

- Thought Police

MST3K will be busy making heaps of snide remarks about the Froggies. The Yanks will be busy extracting some revenge on France, by blowing up priceless culture (this is the same society who thought pouring top-dollar French wine down the drain was revenge, after all). Gandalf’s default mood is grumpy, so many French people will think he is one of them. Indiana Jones will make sure he is fighting and swinging on national landmarks because it looks flashy. This is Yoda and Chewbacca’s first visit to Earth, let alone France, so they are basically tourists and will walk around taking photos. Mr. T will no doubt tell someone to “buvez de lait, imbécile”.

After all the blows to the head he’s taken, you have to figure Jackie Chan has some memory problems.

- Mixmaster Flibble vraiment devrait effectuer son travail d'école...

- Max

Meanwhile, Jackie will be looking for his favorite opponent, a large group of armed individuals surrounded by props. The American Army, based in a Parisian art-nouveau shoppe, is such an entity. Jackie rips off his shirt, revealing pre-oiled muscles, and sets to work. Regardless of the might of the US fighting force, this battle must end as all similar battles have ended. Result: Jackie reveals, once again, that ALL art has a minimum intrinsic value proportional to its durability.

Mr. T leisurely strolls about Paris, admiring the artwork of the Louvre and taking out random GI's as he goes. He suddenly hears terrible french accents and jokes about frog legs, and sees MST3K round a corner. Confronted with a figure from a reasonably well- recognized TV franchise, the MST3K-ers opt out of the battle, leaving Mr. T with Crow's head as a new addition to his bling-bling, and choosing instead to grab exclusive rights to film the Rumble and to heckle it, making them gazillions of dollars. Result: Mystery Science Theater buys France for use as a huge prop, Mr. T is forced to put up with jibba-jabba from his necklaces.

And, drawn to each other by the power of their respective mystical energies, Yoda and Gandalf face off. Force against magic, staff against lightsaber, Star Wars fanboys versus fantasy readers everywhere, the battle rages. Lightning arcs, bodies are tossed about like rag dolls, and the power of the cosmos is unleashed. The two superior beings lock together, lightsaber against staff, neither giving way. Yoda says, "RRRRGGGgggg...fight...like...Christopher Lee...you do..." Suddenly aware of the common ground between them, Gandalf halts the struggle, and reveals that he, too, has faced Lee in a life-and-death situation. They both agree that Lee should NOT have won either battle, and that his doing so was unexcusable. They set off together to bring him to justice. Result: The parts of Saruman and Count Dooku look surprisingly CG in the next LOTR and SW movies. End results of Round One: Chewbacca down and out, Dick Cheney begins worrying about Gary Coleman in 2004, MST3K is making royalties, 45% of Paris is smashed to the ground during the battle of Force and Magic, and Christopher Lee vanishes, leaving only a smoking hairpiece and a ring behind.

ROUND TWO As Indiana makes his way toward the Louvre (big, crystal pyramid which serves as an entrance to an underground complex? Gotta be home to a religious cult.) he hears voices chuckling. He spins around, only to be confronted with empty street. "What the hell?" The voices return. "Now presenting...Raiders of the Lost Sock" He begins to run, with no real purpose in mind other than escaping the voices. "He chose poorly. Thank you for playing...The Price is Wrong!" "The Lost Ark was placed in the government warehouse, never to be seen again, just next to Jimmy Hoffa and the George W. Bush economic strategy." "Whip it, whip it good." Now in a state close to panic, Dr. Jones collapses under the Arc de Triomphe, writhing on the ground as more awful puns and references to pop culture wash over him. "J...E...H...O...V...A. Jehova. 19 points, on a double word score, thaaaat's...38. Your move." "Indy is saved from the first barrier between him and the Grail by his many years playing Dance Dance Revolution." Where? WHERE ARE THEY COMING FROM?!? Somewhere else, Crow's refitted head turns to Tom Servo. "Are we allowed to be doing this? After all, he WAS one of the semifinalists..." Tom, not looking away from the screen, states clearly, "C'mon. Just think of it as revenge for the Star Wars Holiday Special. Goddam Wookiee-hugger..." Result: Indiana Jones goes insane, and spends the rest of his days in Paris as a mime.

FINAL MATCH Jackie encounters Mr. T in a back alley. Mr. T is trying very hard to get his new pendant to shut its beak, and is unaware of Jackie jumping at him from a fire escape. As soon as his foot connects, Jackie is suddenly treated to a lesson in elementary physics. Force = mass * acceleration. After he realizes that 30 tons of gold plate have a profound effect on the mass of T, the force of Jackie's kick accelerates him through a near brick wall, into the back of a tanning salon. Mr. T's only reaction is, "I pity da kung-foo'." AND YOUR GRUDGE MATCH TOC WINNER, MISTER T!!!

- The Mad Josher

Mystery Science Theater 3000: - These three are more combat ready then many believe. Of course, they eliminate all the bad movies in our lineup, but that only takes out Jackie Chan. The rest of the crew they'll need their skills of distruction and bring them into play. Crow and Tom Servo and just generally violence devils, setting off bombs and flying fighter ships every which way. Mike himself has distroyed three planets. The crew is armed with giant mallets, photon torpedos, and many of the dangerous gadgets Joel left on board. A strong competitor.

Yoda -We all knew that Yoda was pretty powerful since the 80s, but his recent fight with Count Dooku in AOTC proved that he can kick booty too. The muppet moves like a frog and talks like child, but he's getting old. Around 60 years older then he was in AOTC. Such competitors may prove to be overwhelming for him. To add to his disadvantige, Frank Oz ain't getting any younger. His arm has gotten too tired for George Lucas to continue his puppetering, and now this CGI Yoda has lost his Muppet Mayhem(TM) edge.

Jackie Chan -Skilled in matrial arts and in improve, Jackie Chan is strong, but he's at a major disadvantage. He's fighting the U.S. It's been proven, perticuarly in his last two movies, that Jackie Chan and the U.S.A. go together like Peanut Butter and Dirt. They simply do not mix, and it's usually Jackie Chan who loses in the end.

Mr. T -Strong and mean, but a few calculations must be made. Mr. T was beaten by Rocky, who was beaten by Rambo, who is by far the worst action hero these eyes have ever seen. Sure, T beat Mr. Clean. Sure, he beat the Deathstar, but when it comes down to it, the only thing Mr. T has going for him is his connection to Conan O'Brien. His recent deep into the market that is Collect commercials doesn't help either. Connections with Carrottop? Not good.

U.S.A. -The powerhold of this match. Almost every contestant comes from the U.S.A. They beat Canada, but in truth, that's no difficult feat. MST3K also beat Canada in "The Final Sacrafice". South Park beat Canada, and they lost to the Simpsons, who are not in this compition. After that, the U.S.A. picked off littler contestants like a five-year old kid and a rather depressed robot. The U.S.A. is strong, but hasn't flexed it's muscles in a while.

Chewbacca -Lots of highly flamable fur. In truth, he's really just a large teddy bear who has yet to make with his promise of tearing someone's arm out.

Indiana Jones -Pretty smart and crafy, has a gun and a wipe, and his dad was once James Bond. Not bad stats. Unfortunatly, he's also Han Solo, so he's going to be soft when fighting other Star Wars characters. He's got no chance whatsoever against Yoda.

Gandalf -Gandalf really isn't a wizard as most people think, but a rather small god. On that note, he can't stay dead, and when he comes back, he's more powerful then before. This is the guy who fought giant fire beasts, evil warlords, and Carrotop. Give the man some space please.

Now, apply the above theories. You get the following.
1. Mr. T = Carrotop Gandalf>Carrotop Gandalf>Mr. T Mr. T is elimanted.
2. U.S.A.>Jackie Chan Jackie Chan is elimanted.
3. Indiana Jones = Han Solo Chewy+BFF(Backstabbing Friend Factor(TM))= Really mad Chewy RMC>Han Solo RMC>Indiana Jones Indiana Jones is elimanted.
4. Yoda-Muppet Factor= Crappy Special Effects Yoda. MST3K=puppets Puppets=Sort of Muppet Factor MST3K+1/2Muppets= Pretty Good Factor MST3K>Crappy Special Effects MST3K+1/2Muppets>Yoda-Muppets+Bad Effects Yoda is eliminated. In a load of hurt.
5. U.S.A.=1/6 Earth Earth=Planet MST3K>Planet MST3K>U.S.A. U.S.A. is eliminated.
6. Chewy-Han Solo=depressed Depressed=1/2 skills Gandalf=100% skills Gandalf>Chewy Chewy is eliminated.
7. Gandalf The Grey In order to break the tie, we must look at who they beat prior. Gandalf beat a Belrog, Albus Dumbledor, and Carrotop. MST3K beat: (reference to all the movies on MST3K truncated). In short, MST3K beats Gandalf. Now, excuse me while I dip my hands in Pepcide AC.

- Killer B... Wow!

That leaves Jackie Chan facing the wrath of two powerful alliances. He's seen AOTC and LOTR and knows that he is facing not one but TWO figures based on the Eastern Masters that taught him. He does the smart thing and gets the hell outta there! Chewie pulls the arms out of the sockets of the Bots(tm) and Mike, secretly wanting to know what it's like to be a Bot(tm), consents to be tied up and strapped to Chewie's back. Chewie and Dr. Jones just can't bring themselves to fight each other and walk away together looking for another Holy Grail: The Complete Mint Condition Death Star Playset.

That leaves Yoda and Gandalf. Yoda has stomped Kosh from Babylon 5, outwitted(tm) outlasted(tm) and outplayed(tm) everyone on La Isla Bonita, and is mentioned in no less than 43 documents in a GM Search(tm). Gandalf destroyed Carrot Top, true, but is only mentioned a paltry 6 times in a GM Search(tm). The older Gandalf will recognize that he can't win against Yoda and His Whirling Twirling Lightsaber(tm) and will gracefully bow out and save his strength for battling easier opponents like the Balrog. Wars not make one great but Yoda wins this one anyway.

- Cirrocco

I was there in 2001, but all I saw of it was the 2 blocks between the train stations. oh, yeah, the 2 stoners that where asking me if I had any weed on me. but other than that, I failed in seeing any of the City of Light. I promised myself that I would go back there, mostly cause I’m still kicking myself for not asking this Hottie that I met in line to get my train ticket out to dinner that night. just great guys, guess I could make another payment to my student loans now, and wait till they clean up Paris again. maybe they will be done by 2008, which will be in time for the next TOTOCC..... FUCK!!!! FUCK!!!! FUCK!!!! now I’m never going to get me any French Hottie at the top of my Eiffel Tower!!! FUCK!!!!!

Oh yeah, the match, Gandalf wins, because he took out the mimes as a warm up. Mimes are a form of Clown. Clowns are evil! That’s all that needs to be said!

- BIGMRG74 --man, Devin made a name for himself for attacking somebody here, why can't i damn it!!!

Indy Vs. Jackie: this match seems very even what with jackie Chans ability to stop men with guns and Indy's ability to shoot guys while they show off their martial arts skills. But, jackie chan will lose because I have a theory about him. He's not really an asian martial arts master at all. He's just really really really FRENCH!!! If Indy beat the German nazis, he can beat a french guy.

Mr T. vs. the US military: T wins in 17.45 seconds. The US missiles shot at him ricochet off his gold-plated armor and destroy their creators. This is quickly blamed on terrorists and the army retreats to the middle east where they decide to invade Iraqmenistan, or some place like it.

T vs Indy: The battle is about to begin when Indy realizes that one of T's chains is the medallion of Klem-Karadu-Kara-shama-lama- do. His archeological sense steps in and he actually dares to touch the chain in an attempt to study it. "Hands off fool! Dats my chain!" Indy loses his hand and soon his life. B.A. you've done it again. I pity those fools who messed with you.

- Old Hick Donald (never mess with a guy who drinks milk)

- The Masked Cow

This is because Gandalf is a) apparantly unkillable and b) very skilled at playing the puppet master. He spends the entire Rings trilogy egging the others on for his own ends, and masterfully too.

So as the battered and broken bodies of the other contestants lay at Mr. T's feet, the sunlight glinting off his chains, Gandalf will step to his side. "Well done, my friend. The world is safe, thanks to you."

"And the chillun? And dey youth centers?"

"Yea and verilly. Now, come, brave warrior, and journey to the West, to return when again the world needs your skill at arms."

Beats me how they'll fit a custom GMC van on one of the grey ships, though.

- The Black Snotling, goblin sympthasizer. Go Wargs!

Indiana Jones watches from around the corner. "I'm glad I'm not dressed French-Like today" he thinks to himself. Just then another squad sees him and mistaking his Fedora for a beret, unload on him like they'd "unload" on a Phillipino hooker. Chewbacca seeing this, thinks about his life debt to Han Solo, then remembers that this is Indiana Jones, so f**k him! Chewies plan is to get close to George Bush, pounce and make the kill. Unfortunately, when Chewie get close to George, he's mistaken for a rodent. "Dang, that's the biggest rat I've ever seen" thinks George "He'd look real good mounted in the oval office!" George pulls out his old 12 gauge and shoots a hole through Chewies midsection, "looks like the rat had worms" says George as his men hustle away the corpse to the taxidermists.

Mr.T meanwhile has been hanging near his van, grumbling about how old he is now and can hardly lift his chains. Yoda floats by "why the long face you have hmmmm", T responds, "I'm too old for this stuff, all this fightin' and killin', I just wanna rest". "For 700 years I have fought, judge me by my size will you, you son of a bitch!" Yoda proceeds to use the force so that Mr.T's own chains will choke him to death. As T succumbs to the loss of air he gurgles "I pity....the foo" Yoda thinks "rest now you will, you little bitch" Jackie Chan watches and remembering the free ride he got from Mr.T, goes into karate frenzy all over Yoda. He picks up things he finds lying around on the streets of Paris; needles, used condoms, Eiffel Tower commemorative statuettes, and begins pelting Yoda. Yoda of course uses the force to counter these strikes but is left weary from the onslaught. Jackie realizes that he's got no sidekick and no tuxedo, so begins to run. Gandalf, sensing an easy kill, hurls a fireball down from the Arc de whatever and immolates Chan. Fried wonton anyone?

Meanwhile GB and the good ole US Army are leveling Paris one brothel at a time. Yoda and Gandalf square off, each floating in midair and circling one another. George looking from below thinks to himself "that old guy would look like my Dad if my Dad was ever to quit getting haircuts, quit shaving, and wear a robe like that guy who kidnapped that Jessica Simpson girl, you know that chick with the gay Dad." In a moment of sentimentality, George orders his men to start firing at Yoda and after a few minutes of the onslaught, Yoda falls to the ground, disinegrates, and eventually disappears. George looks at Gandalf, says "see ya at the ranch Dad" and orders his men back on the boat, leaving Gandalf alone in the burning streets of Paris....

- Todd the Fish Guy

The people need to know and I'm the one who can tell them! You think Grudge Match was created by Steve and Brian over a discussion about Hulk Hogan vs. The Hulk? Think again! They're puppets. Puppets, I say! Just a couple of pawns for the sinister higher power.

You think I'm paranoid, don't you? But I'm not paranoid. I know that it's all been leading up to this event. No, not to see who the true champion of Grudge Match is. It's all about the ultimate climax to a rivalry that's been going on for thirty years.

It goes like this: In 1972, a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. In the 80's, still wanted by the government, they survived as soldiers of fortune. If you had a problem, if no one else could have helped, and if you could have found them, maybe you could have hired the A-Team.

The US government never could catch the A-Team. The four members were too brilliant/crazy/handsome/tough to stop. So in the 1990's, they schemed. They created a medium where the A-Team's -- mainly Mr. T's -- legacy was to be celebrated. They called it Grudge Match.

They sent Mr. Clean. He failed. They sent Governer Ventura. He failed. And even though MacGyver defeated the team once before, he failed in the TOC rematch against T. But the government wasn't finished. Oh no. You really think MST3K, Yoda, Jackie Chan, Chewbacca, Indiana Jones and Gandalf won their matches because of the vote of the people? Wake up! They were HAND PICKED! They're all in on it! The US government has them working as soldiers in their last resort to capture the elusive Mr. T! Don't you see it?!

This isn't a battle. No, this, as a certain fish man would say, is a trap. There's no more running. No more eluding the government. This time it's Mr. T, the helluva tough bouncer and hero to youth centers, taking on his greatest challenge.

And as sure as the sky is blue, I can see the future. I see how it will end. France will be a smoking pile of rubble, leaving only the bronze statue of Glass Joe standing. The tossed remains of Gandalf the Grey will land in the burning hole of Mount Doom. Jackie Chan will learn that devouring excess alcohol to improve his fighting ability is nothing compared to the devouring of excess milk. After trying to replace Mr. T's gold chains with a set of bicycle chains that weigh exactly the same, Indiana Jones will find out that he may be able to out-run a boulder, but he has nothing on the GMC van.

As for Yoda and Chewbacca? Heh. Yoda and Chewbacca both speak in "jibba jabba".

Mr. T hates jibba jabba.

In the end, it will be nothing left but Mr. T, wearing the golden head of Crow T. Robot around his neck and holding George W. Bush up by one hand. And this charade known as WWWF Grudge Match will forever be tossed helluva far.

So what's my prediction for this match?

"Pain."

- Gavok

- Pulmonox (Screw boot camp, just get me in the action!)

- Lord Sephiroth

- Kai the Enchanter of Small Woodland Animals and Fish

Meanwhile, the starship Enterprise has just encountered a rag tag fleet searching for "a shining planet called Earth". The meeting between Captain Jean Luc Picard and Commander Adama is cut short when the Falcon's distress call is received. And so the Enterprise and Battlestar Galactica set course for Paris. Upon arrival the fleet sends down a scouting party in a shuttle. The Galactica's Starbuck and Enterprise's Lt. Barclay emerge. Starbuck spies Tom Servo and Crow. He mistakes them for Cylons and radios the fleet which destroys the Satellite of Love from orbit. Mr T approaches the pair from behind and slams their heads together, three stooges style. He yells "Face Man! Murdoch! Let's go!". Starbuck and Barclay look at each other, and they remember. Barclay says "I serve on a starship! Pan galactic beings are turning me into a human computer to gather information!". Mr T growls "Shut up you crazy fool! We got the US army after us!" But George Bush has seen the strike which destroyed the MST3K guys. He realizes that he likes to fight wars, but only with those who don't stand a chance. In the face of the combined might of the Enterprise and Galactica, he turns tail and flees.

Chan and Mr T strike turn to face each other for their battle. But they remember they are actually friends and bow to each other. Chan says "I think you've got it pretty well covered here" and goes to get some Chinese take out. So Mr T, Face and Murdoch turn their attention to Gandalf. The wizard removes his phony beard and hat revealing he is actually Hannibal Smith in disguise. He says "I love it when a plan comes together!" The A-Team is patting each other on the back when Mr T says "Just one thing I don't understand Hannibal. Who's responsible for setting up this fight?". Smith replies "It's a power hungry kingpin who calls himself 'God'. Lives in a little French villa he calls 'Heaven'. Get in the van and I'll tell you all about it".

So the Team piles into BA's van and they make tracks to God's villa. Murdoch rings the doorbell disguised as a pizza delivery man while the others sneak in the back door and club John Denver unconscious. By the time God realizes what's happening, he's surrounded by the well armed A-Team. Hannibal says "I'll take that, thank you", plucks the cigar from George Burns' hand, and chomps it with a smile.

- Trickster

Meanwhile, on the other side of town, Mr. T will remember that the one time he lost was when he was fighting without a sidekick. He goes back to grab Jackie Chan to use as Goofy Comedy Relief© (this time with Simulated Kung Fu Action©.) They'll run across Gandalf, and since he has Genuine Wise White Hair© (recently upgraded from Venerable Grey Hair©) they both fall into line the way they usually do. When they run across President Bush, Gandalf will use his skill at Co-opting a World Power Fighting An Evil Enemy© to gain the USA as an ally. "Come, we must assault that Dark Pointed Tower, only at the heart of evil may evil be destroyed." And the sides are drawn... When the two sides meet, the first casualties will be the MST3K team. They'll try using their Pistol of Putridity, but it will be almost unnoticeable with the piles of dog 'presents' all over Paris.

After that Jackie Chan goes down. He's so used to losing the first fight real fight that he thinks he's got to come from behind later on, so he'll run off somewhere to train. Chewbacca goes down next with a tank shell to the chest, he's a Confirmed Sidekick©, and we know what part they play in major battles. This gives Yoda and Indy a temporary boost of the RAGE©, just enough to take out the entire US Army, but leaving them gasping and spent at the end. Mr. T "Pities da poor foo'_TM who disses his Red, White and Blue" and uses Indy as a bat to knock the hell out of Yoda. Yoda parries this slash easily, and... no more Indy.

The final line is drawn, with Yoda on one side and Mr. T and Gandalf on the other... Yoda goes for a slash at Gandalf, but he forgets that Gandalf’s sword Glamdring is Maaaagic. Since he already used it in the Fellowship of the Ring© to slash the Balrog’s sword of fire in half i'm sure that a sword of light will be nothing to him. Now that there are only two left, instead of fighting Gandalf goes to his old trick of Finding Some Wonderful Noble Fellow Of An Ancient Family© to Put On The Throne Of A Recently Spent World Power©. Mr. T goes along with this because of the previously mentioned Genuine Wise White Hair© and they both live happily ever after, with Gandalf getting to go home, happy in the assurance that he has gotten a good ruler on the throne of the World's Greatest Power©

- Thomas the Kingmaker

- Dave C

- Theodore Kurita (anyone who gets the allusion is awesome)

- The Wanderer In The Void Who Forges The Enchanted Jock-Straps

- Stretchy

- BAMF!

- Dapper Dan Burton

- TB Tabby

- Tequila Mockingbird

Yoda - Old, crippled, wise in the ways of the force. But heck, he's dying as it is without even fighting. Besides, he doesn't WANT to fight. He's out.
Indiana Jones - Sure, he's cool. But as Hans Solo he's not even a match for Yoda. Also, he has no Amazing Powers(TM) to help him out. He's just a man on his own.
Chewbacca - He looks like a Bigfoot on steroids. Easy pickings for the wit of MST3K. And his bowcaster can't compete with the chaos of Rednecks with Heavy Artillery(TM).
U.S.A - Come on, the last time people listened to a Bush (Exodus Chapter 3, Bible), they ended up wandering in a desert for 40 years. Besides, Mr.T threw them helluva far once, and he can do it again.
Jackie Chan - The master of the Art of Whatever Works. But even he can't compete with Gandalf and Mr.T. He gets turned into a toad and then get's killed, fool!
Mr.T - The mentor of grudge match... but he is short in power to Gandalf. Knowing this he'll be defeated, but not before ass whooping...
MST3K - Sure, they are witty. They tear movies down. But not even they can break Lord of the Rings! While they are gaping in shock at the amazing effects and awesome plot, Mr.T uses his last bit of amazing strength to throw them helluva far!

Thus Gandalf must be the winner. He's easily more powerful than any other contestant, and if someone manages to kill him he'll just come back even stronger. He would have had more of a match in Bugs Bunny...

- Kryptonite

Jackie Chan will just end up wandering the streets of France, killing Mimes. I have a feeling he'd rather do that then fight. Yoda might join in on the fun, but he'd probably be killing French people after he learned they ate frogs.....Yoda being a close relative to anphibians. Thus we come to the final fight between Mr. T and Mystery Science Theater. On one side, we have... well... Mr. T. On the other, we have two robots and a guy named Joel... who have lived through movies that make Carrot Top's Phone Commercials seem like a little slice of Heaven. If Mystery Science theater can survive those kind of movies, they can survive Mr. T, who is way over his prime anyway. The robots and Joel smoke the T., and then make fun of France. The End

- Zombie Master

- ohwellyourpants

- Rosscoe

- BIGMRG74 - the dullest member of Middle Earth

The most important thing to remember when fighting Indy is that the more impressive and/or intimidating your moves are, the more likely he is to shoot you dead in a suitably ironic fashion. In other words, if you spend considerable time showing off your madd skillz (like the guy in Raiders of the Lost Ark), you don't have a prayer. However, if you and your buddies jump from behind some rocks with knives (as in Temple of Doom, Indy will be out of bullets. Assuming he has 6 bullets in his revolver, Indy should take out the six most impressive opponents easily.

YODA: His swordplay is so amazing, that it almost made Episode II worth seeing. That, my friends, is damn impressive. No chance.

GANDALF: He took out a freakin' Balrog singlehandedly AND got a better wardrobe in the process. He's dead meat (but will return afterwards as Gandalf the Mauve).

JACKIE CHAN: All of Jackie's movies are little more than excuses for him to show off. He gets a bullet through his spleen (but not before fighting off a squad of Navy SEALS with a stale baguette).

CHEWBACCA: Now it gets difficult, as the IMPRESSIVE! factor becomes less obvious. However, as a Wookie, Chewbacca can "pull people's arms off if he loses." I'm impressed. Lucky for Indy, Chewie can't pull his arms off if he's dead.

MR. T: Mr. T is so badass that he doesn't have to do squat to be intimidating. However, his badassness him makes him too cool to die from a bullet wound. To avoid a universe-ending paradox, God makes Mr. T pass out, despite having only a superficial leg wound.

USA: As a patriotic American, Indy won't use his final bullet to kill his country's leader (besides, do you really want Dick Cheney as the President?). Instead, he fires it into the air, attracting Dubya's attention. Indy then gives Dubya some a large order of freedom fries from a nearby cafe. Since that's the only reason the USA is here, they go home.

MST3K: Two guys and two robots with no fighting skills. How they even managed to win their tournament still escapes my reasoning. However, when Indy draws his gun, there are (surprise!) no more bullets. Indy seems doomed, when he suddenly has an idea, and in the first known use of Common Sense (tm) in a Grudge Match, beats the snot out of the humans, and tosses the robots into a dumpster, because after all, that stuff about impressiveness only applies when Indy is firing his gun. Indy wins!

- Jak the Duck

MST3K: Mercilessly mocked "The Touch of Satan," a movie about devil worship. It may not be much, but keep in mind that even God has a sense of humor. Just look at the platypus.
Yoda: All it takes for evil to thrive is for the good to do nothing. I'm *pretty* sure that hiding in a swamp while your entire brotherhood is genocided qualifies.
Jackie Chan: Doesn't Christianity preach nonviolence? Last I checked Ghandi is His ethnic Easterner of choice (here's hoping for that Ghandi vs. Martin Luther King match).
Mr. T: While patron saint of the grudge is much better than being a regular martyr, I doubt God's interested in a muscle-bound Apostle. Look for him to be appointed to Cultural Ambassador to Frace once the dust settles (what kind of a name is Tureaud anyway?).
U.S.A.: Yeah, like God would support the nation that struck down Moses in the seventh TOC. Besides, the U.S. is primarily PROTESTANT. America wouldn't stand a snowball's chance in hell (something that He would have personal knowledge of).
Chewbacca: No. Even God knows John McClane was robbed.
Indiana Jones: He's definitely built up some brownie points with the Almighty, what with destroying a pagan cult in India and protecting two of his three holy artifacts from the Nazis (the third being the Original Magic 8-Ball). However, there's one champion who's just slightly more qualified:

Gandalf: Known far and wide, gathers followers, rises from his grave as a figure clad in white, set to rid the world of evil. Come on, if he were any more like JC even God couldn't tell the difference. Looks like the second coming will be heralded by elves instead of angels.

- Canus Shamus

In about five minutes, Bush can get UN approval to take over France for humanitarian reasons: Half the country went to the Riviera this summer and left their elderly parents sitting around in 105 degree heat with no air conditioning. Tres brilliant! Add in socialized medicine and a government bureaucracy 6x10⁷ layers deep, and you’ve got about 15,000 dead old people. Dubya could win the Nobel Peace Prize for putting a stop to the geezer roast. Plus, Germany just came back to the U.S. side the other day and can join in. Why is the Champs-Elysee lined with trees? Germans like to march in the shade.

Even Mike, Joel, Crow and Tom Servo lose their cool when they stop for a bite at a sidewalk café (the food on the SOL is pretty horrible) and end up getting served loogie-burgers. They will have to go to hand-to-hand early; Joel’s stink gun will have no effect on people who live in a nation where no one bathes.

You think Yoda and Gandalf fought the evil of Tyranus and Saruman with gusto? Wait until they run into Jacque “Saddam has been a close family friend since the mid-Seventies and I tried to give him a weapons grade breeder reactor” Chirac.

Jackie Chan owes his fame and riches mainly to American audiences. What have the French ever done for him? Probably whine that he’s not enough like Jerry Lewis, or worse, call him something like “Ze Jerry Lewis of ze martial arts.” Look for him to be sneaking around whomping French troops with whatever household items might be at hand.

Lastly, Indiana Jones will have a flashback to his fights with Rene Belloq, and next thing you know he’s whipping French derriere- literally!

Chewbacca barely managed to restrain himself from ripping C-3PO’s head off for three straight movies. What do you think will happen when he runs into some mimes? He’s going to haul them out of their imaginary boxes and rip their heads off, that’s what. And don’t expect him to stop there: Most Frenchmen dress like mimes without whiteface, and Chewie might be too filled with bloodlust to notice the difference.

And really, do you even have to ask about Mr. T? Like the A-Team won’t get recalled to active duty. Look out, Surrender Monkeys, I think a plan is about to come together.

France falls in 30 minutes. I pity the fool who gets in the way of the U.S. of A.

- Mr. Silverback- You want freedom fries with that?

- Muhahahahahahahaha

- Albatross

--Joel Hodgson, creator of MST3K was Al's first pick to play Philo in UHF. (UHF DVD, Audio commentary)
--UHF began with an homage to Indiana Jones, an Homage which Al has personally described as his favorite part of the film (Ibid)
--The Wookie translation for Chewbacca's line just before the credits roll in Star wars episode four can be roughly translated as "Put down that Chainsaw and listen to me," an obvious reference to the first line of "Dare to Be Stupid," One of Al's greatest works. Al rewards his faithful fans. (Common Knowledge)

But one factor has not yet been taken into account: This is happening in France. And France has recently had a great deal of ugly history with Al. At first, all seemed well. Al had nothing but positive things to say because-- "Nevertheless, and in spite of the evidence, I am still widely considered to be a Genius in France, Genius in France, Genius in France!" ("Genius in France", Poodle Hat) Al reports that they even began to put up his statue by the Eiffel Tower. (Ibid) He even went so far as to say "I'm never never never never goin' back home again!" (Ibid) But back home he did go. I know. For lo, I did see him at three concerts where he was definately NOT in France. And now, he has announced his first ever overseas tour--to Australia. Al has been silent as to exactly what the Frogs did to lose his favor, but surely the Spatula of his wrath hangs over their land. They must be punished for their transgressions.

My guess is Al will favor whoever will punish them the most. The USA, of course, hates the French with a passion. Mr. T is Patron of Grudge-Match, where it has been stated that "The French suck at everything but cooking." Gandalf was created by an Englishman, so of course he hates the French. I can't speak for Jackie Chan, but my guess is he hates the French too (I mean, come on. Who doesn't?). The contestants will join forces under Al's banner, march into the city of Paris, and punish the French for whatever insult they have laid at Al's feet. They must know and feel the wrath of that Polka-Playing Paragon of Pop Parody. And in their wails of pain and misery, we will hear the dulcet tones of "Party at the Leper Colony" heralding a new and brighter age for us all. Long Live Al! Long Live Al!

- Weird Mark

Gandalf - His incredible magic, his hobbit friends, dwarves, men, elves, his trusty sword and staff, and the fact that not even a Balorg from the depths of Hell can kill him.
Indiana Jones - His gun, his whip, his skills, his knowledge, his friends like Marcus, Sal'ah and dad, and, of course, God's blessing from drinking from the grail.
Chewbacca - His crossbow laser gun, his incredible strength to tear arms out, and the Wookie Consoul, still lurking out there for that "Wookster" comment.
U.S.A. - Their weapons and army, which is the largest in the world, not to mention in nuclear weapons. Plus, we have "Weird Al" Yankovic!
Mr. T - His mass collection of firearms, the A-Team, his van, and the ability to throw helluva far!
Jackie Chan - His incredible martial arts and ability to endure pain, the medallions from his show, and his wide collection of allies: Chris Tucker, Owen Wilson, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jade Chan, Tohru, and Uncle.
Yoda - A master of the Force and the Lightsaber. He's also 900 years old, so he knows his way around.
MST3K - Joel's inventions, Crow and Servo's way of creating mayhem, Mike's way of mass destruction, defying Death, the RAGE (tm) from being cancelled twice, and, the most cruel weapons ever, "Manos" - The Hands of Fate, and Red Zone Cuba.

And so, each member is equally powerful. They are all going to rock the world! ...Wait, did you think I meant for them to use these skills and weapons against each other? Why would they do that?! All this power and potential is for FRANCE! That's what we all want, not our heroes killing each other! By the end of the day, France lies in ruins. Only the Eiffel Tower stands tall, and on the top are "Weird Al" Yankovic and Crow T. Robot singing "Genius In France" at the top.

- Groucho "Genius In France" Magmarx

- B-R-A-N-D-O-N

- Twin Bob (It's what's for dinner)

However, as with the Corleones vs. Cartwrights match, the vital factor is the identity of the field commander. In this case, the scenario has President George W. Bush leading in person, and this time with no Dick Cheney, Karl Rowe, Condoleeza Rice, or any other foreign-policy expert or advisor on hand to guide him. He shouldn't expect much navigational help from the C.I.A., either. In fact, not to "mis-underestimate" our commander-in-chief, but if Dubya's task force even finds its way to Paris, it will be Paris, Texas.

As for the winners, the MST3K crew has built up a resistance to bafflingly odd movies. All they'll need to win are a dozen IMAX-size screens showing random clips of interminable French films and their abstract dialogue (e.g. "I am in misery from the Sad Clown of Life..."). Indy may don a French beret again and try to blend in with the population, but he and all the other foreigners will go into mental overload, trying to digest/ignore the excessive metaphor exposure as best they can.

Yoda: "Hmmmm. Consistency the analogy lacks."
Mr. T.: "'Sad Clown of Life'? What the hell's that supposta mean?!!"
Chewbacca: "Rrrrrrraaauuuuurrr!!!" ["I could really go for a steak!"]

All these reactions will both identify the foreign combatants and immobilize them. The MST3Kers won't even have to lift their "Leonard Maltin Movie & Video Guides" to pummell the Philistines, as Francophiles defending the honor of native cinema will be all too glad to teach these English pig-dogs a lesson.

- Matt Bricker

Chewbacca, torn between wanting to assist Yoda and being unable to attack a man with two robot companions, is paralyzed with indecision. Suddenly, a soft breeze wafts the sweet scent of meat to his nostrils. The butcher shop on the corner is decimated by a hungry furry cyclone.

Jackie Chan taunts Mr. T into chasing him through the streets of Paris, eventually luring him to the Eiffel Tower, where he engages him in a lethal game of catch-me-if-you-can among the struts. T lacks the agility to keep up, loses his balance, and plummets to his death.

MST3K try to attack Gandalf’s weak spot (the Rankin-Bass and Bakshi ‘70s animated movies), but Gandalf is protected by global geek love and the undying gratitude of the New Zealand Tourist Board. The hapless trio, and a city block, are blown apart by a well-place volley of wizard fireworks.

The USA, worked into a Francophobic frenzy by the media, thinks that they’re finally at war with France. They invade. The French army surrenders. The USA then begins searching for weapons of mass destruction, and are butchered in the crossfire of the other contenders’ battles.

Jackie Chan threatens Indy with a whirling baguette. Indy shoots him.

Chewbacca returns from the butcher shop, finds himself unable to attack Indy due to his uncanny resemblance to Han Solo, and attacks Gandalf instead. Gandalf, finding Chewy adorable compared to the evil denizens of Middle Earth, and far less annoying than those chatty little hobbits, places a domestication spell on Chewy and puts him on a leash. Indy, convinced that Gandalf’s new pet is a variety of Yeti, and excited by the prospect of using the creature to lead him to the fabled Yeti city in the Himalayan mountains, attempts to steal Chewy. Gandalf is angered and attacks. However, Gandalf’s total lack of experience dodging or blocking bullets proves sadly fatal. Winner: Indiana Jones

- Jennine

At an outdoor cafe near the Louvre, Jackie Chan makes his move against Indiana Jones. He employs chairs, tables, cutlery, trays, tablecloths, waiters' aprons, dog leashes, and rolls of euros from a cash register in a dizzying, balletic attack. Unimpressed, Indy pulls his gun and shoots Chan. Jackie dies beautiflly, though, flying fifteen feet in the air and through a plate-glass window.

Chewbacca runs through the streets, having seen this part of the fight in the distance and finally gotten the idea that his partner Han is in trouble. He forgets to look both ways, though, and is flattened by a tank that's broken through the swarm of Frenchmen. The driver is unaware of having finished off a contestant, thinking he just ran over an unshaven French woman.

Mr. T. advances toward the Eiffel Tower. "Okay, you jibber-jabberin' jump-suited punks, show me what you got!" What the MST3K gang has, unfortunately for him, are clear memories of T.'s role in D.C. Cab, directed by that master of Deep Hurting™, Joel Schumacher. The breakthrough of repressed memories, followed up by a few squirts from the Putridity Pistols, send Mr. T. running away and plunging into the Seine, to try to wash the stink out of his career.

All the while, an epic battle of fantastic powers has waged between Yoda and Gandalf. The principle of transitivity wins out here in the end. Gandalf suffered a butt-whipping at the hands of Christopher Lee, the baddest octogenarian in the world, whereas Yoda battled him to a draw, clearly putting him ahead of Gandalf. The wizard ends up plummeting from the top of the Arc de Triomphe, falling through a crack in the pavement opened up during their battle, and into the Paris sewers. He would eventually rise from this doom, but too late to affect the tournament's outcome.

Wearied from his exertions, Yoda turns to find a tank advancing on him, with President Bush visible through the open hatch. "Ohhh, great warrior," Yoda says with a laugh. "Wars not make one great."

"Neither does co-starring with Jar Jar Binks. FIRE!"

Yoda's light-sabre is up in a flash, but he has reckoned without primitive American weaponry. When you parry a laser bolt a foot from your head with a light-sabre, it ricochets harmlessly. When you do the same with a contact-fuzed high-explosive tank shell, you have a high-explosive tank shell exploding a foot from your head. The result is a large puff of green mist.

The advance of the MSTie gang toward the sound of tank guns is interrupted by the sight of a fedora-topped silhouette in the smoke now filling Paris. "Harrison Ford!" Joel shouts. "Oh, poopie! Quick, someone think of a really bad movie he's done." But they have no such power to wield. Indy quickly dispatches them(with just time enough for a "Mike, you are so whipped sometimes" comment by Servo before he's disassembled).

Indy walks toward the tank rolling up the street toward him. "Halt!" shouts a flight-jacketed figure visible in the haze. "We've defeated your fellow Axis members. Surrender now, and we'll show you magnaminity."

Indiana Jones looks at the strands of brown fur and smears of green clinging to the tank, and his stomach lurches. "What Axis? Why are you doing this?" "It's our secret mission, the real reason we're here: to prevent the cinematographying of Episode Three. Now, you're either with us, or you're with George Lucas."

After a moment contemplating his own culpability, Indy drops his guns and whip to the ground. "Okay, you win." He turns and trudges away, the sounds of celebration rising behind him. "Overrated directors," he mutters to himself. "I hate those guys."

- Call me Shane

THE FINAL WORD...

Hey, just think! Only 72 more years before the Tournament of Tournament of Tournament of Champions Champions Champions is held in 2075! And then in the year 2795, we can have the Tournament of Tournament of Tournament of Tournament of Champions Champions Champions Champions! And THEN in the year 8395....

- Affy

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

WWWF Tournament Of Champions IV: Rumble in D.C.
WWWF Tournament Of Champions I: Escape from the Death Star
WWWF Second Chance Tournament: Rollerball

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Next Match: Damn dirty apes
ETA: Monday, October 6th, 2003