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Somewhere in space -- The air of the bar is thick with pungent haze and the clamor of innumerable alien languages. A table in the back is surrounded by women of almost a dozen different species, all transfixed on the man sitting there, wearing a yellow uniform shirt and reeling off a fantastic tale. "So there's the Enterprise, surrounded by three Romulan cruisers, and the crew thinking Spock turned traitor and killed me with the Vulcan Death Grip. But I'm really aboard one of the cruisers, alone, disguised as a Romulan. I have to sneak into the most heavily guarded compartment of the ship, steal the cloaking device, and get it back to the Enterprise, or we're finished. So I--" Kirk's tale is interrupted by derisive laughter from a nearby table. "A likely story," says the man lounging there, his boots resting on the tabletop, a sneer on his lips. "That kind of big talk may impress people where you come from, pal, but it wouldn't last ten seconds in Mos Eisley. And it's not doing so good here, either." Sensing the attentions of his companions wavering, Kirk rises to his feet. "And just who might you be, pal?" The stranger sets his feet down. "Name's Han Solo. Maybe you've heard of me. I'm pretty high up in the Rebel Alliance, and I've got the fastest ship in space. I made the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs with her." "Really?" Kirk laughs. "You can't be much of a pilot, if you don't know that a parsec measures distance, not time. I wouldn't fly with you if you had the last ship out of the Neutral Zone." Solo begins to steam. "You are insulting my piloting? Big words. You gonna back them up?" "I just might." Kirk turns to the bevy behind him. "You ladies step back. This shouldn't take long." The rest of the bar, sensing trouble, starts moving discreetly for the exits. So, Brendan, which hotshot space jockey wipes the floor with the other?
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Han Solo vs. Captain James T. Kirk |
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BRENDAN: First things first, let's deal with the 800lb elephant in the room: the "Star Trek Must Lose" rule. Whatever validity that rule might normally have, it means nothing today. Today we are talking about Jim Kirk, and that means that faster than you can say "Kobayashi Maru" the rules are going to change. For once we will have a match that will be settled on the actual merits of the combatants involved, and that of course means that Kirk will fustigate Solo. Let's just compare resumes here. Kirk routinely defeats gods, thumped the Klingon Empire so badly that a hundred years later it's being all but run by a bald Frenchman, and has scored with more women than Hugh Hefner and Wilt Chamberlain combined. By contrast, the toughest opponent Solo has ever defeated have been stormtroopers, he managed to get himself captured in every movie (including one memorable incident where he was captured by Ewoks and another where he had to be rescued by the same), and needed three movies to score with a single woman when the only competition for her was her brother. And what experience does Solo have that will help him in a barroom brawl? His only notable hand to hand win was against Boba Fett and came about due to a one in a million lucky accident. Kirk whupped Khan, mano a mano, an opponent with five times his strength. He survived a Klingon prison (and learned how to fight dirty in the process). And perhaps most important, Kirk knows how to fashion makeshift weapons from whatever's handy, and this time he's not limited to just sulfur and diamonds. With the full contents of a bar to play with, Kirk should be able to bring a virtual napalm strike down on Solo. There was a time when Solo would have known what to do when challenged to a fight. He would have just pulled out his blaster and shot Kirk. But that was a long time ago. Now we have the Special Edition Solo, the Solo that lets Greedo take the first shot, the Solo that has been Lucasfied. But it's not all bad for Solo. At least he'll be safely in intensive care by the time Kirk decides to start up with the karaoke. SHANE: Bringing out the weapons of mass destruction early, aren't we, Brendan? Sorry, but Kirk won't last long enough to become the official vocalist of the Axis of Evil™, because it's Han who'll be fustigating him (once he looks up what that means). First, bringing up George Lucas' delusions to attack Han is like insulting someone's mother: it's embarrassing, painful, maybe even true, but you're hitting the wrong target and just making your real opponent mad. Besides, the Special Edition also showed us that Solo can literally walk all over Jabba the Hutt, and all Jabba has to say about it is, "Han, my boy, you're the best." Han's a man who orders around a well-armed seven-foot Wookiee and makes him like it. Han shoots carnivorous monsters while legally blind. And Han has never, ever used a stun setting. Sure, he's been captured a couple of times, but only when saddled with C-3PO, an albatross around anyone's neck as I learned. A quick count of Star Trek episodes shows that Captain Kirk has been captured no less than thirty-three times, and the Enterprise hijacked seventeen times on top of that. Kirk's been waylaid by Klingons, Romulans, Romans, Greeks, Nazis, gangsters, hippies(!), multicolored brains in a Pop-o-Matic™ bubble, and not once but twice by children! I'm surprised Kirk hasn't already been tied up by his lovely companions (but that's another matter...) Speaking of which, Kirk's never been able to hold onto a woman for more than one episode. Han, your erroneous claim notwithstanding, was getting hot and heavy with Leia in Empire -- and do you know how long it takes to travel between star systems going slower than light? He had Leia where he wanted her for months, if not years. Suuuuuure the hyperdrive wasn't working. Han is too tough, and too smooth, for Kirk to handle. BRENDAN: Sorry Shane, but you are seriously overestimating Han's cleverness. Remember that this is the man who couldn't figure out that when the Empire only sends 4 Tie fighters after you out of the thousands the Death Star carries, that they want you to escape. But let's say somehow that Han really did fake the hyperdrive not working to get some time alone with Leia. Not a bad plan necessarily, but clearly the execution was botched. Months alone in deep space (during which he somehow completely fails to notice that Boba Fett is following him), where he is literally the only man there, where he looks like Harrison Ford, and with a girl so desperate that she deep throated her own brother, and still all the chump gets is a single kiss. If Han fights as poorly as he romances then the red-shirted ensigns could take him. But what really gives this one to Kirk is pride. Kirk has it, Solo doesn't, and since they are fighting for pride, that means Kirk is going to win. Need proof? Just look at how the two treated their respective ships. Kirk blew the Enterprise up rather than let it fall to the enemy. Because he had pride! Solo handed over the keys to the Millennium Falcon to the guy who froze him in carbonite. He didn't shoot Lando, or at least sic Chewie on him if Han was too much of a wuss to take Lando himself. Rather, he let the guy have his ship, because he had no pride (which isn't surprising from a man who would have been Ewok barbecue if 3PO hadn't bailed him out.) Solo may manage to rip Kirk's shirt but when Kirk strikes back there won't be enough left of Solo to fill a carbonite ice cube. SHANE: Oh, my turn again? Sorry, I was just looking up 'fustigate': vt., to criticize severely. Oooh, I bet Han is quaking, knowing that Kirk is threatening to give him a talking-to! That may work when Kirk's arguing computers into suicide, but it's no help here. Besides, in such a dramatic moment, Kirk will be more prone than usual to those long... slow... pauses... we know... so well... giving Han more time to shoot him while muttering "Boring conversation, anyway." Now to tie up the loose ends of your other mistakes. One, Luke bailed Han out of the Ewok cookout, not 3PO. (Geez, Brendan, have you even seen any of the Star Wars films?) Two, Han got several kisses from Leia in Empire, and we only saw that little because Lucas had to keep the movie 'PG' for his young fanbase. The world wasn't ready for Star Wars pornography -- and still isn't -- but Han was more than able to deliver. (I leave it to your deviant imagination to come up with Han Solo's adult-movie name.) Lastly, Han's plainly familiar with this establishment. No doubt he's already bribed the bar band to make sure they don't play anything remotely related to Star Trek action music. Without his fighting music backing him up, we all know Kirk is helpless. (They'll probably play that flute-and-strings love theme, just to further debilitate him.) Once Han's through with him, Kirk will look like that 800-pound elephant you mentioned (and isn't that small for an elephant?) trampled him. As for his female entourage... well, I bet Han's always wanted a harem like Jabba's. Cue the wakka-chikka music! (And get the kids outta the room!)
Related links for further research
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Current Match |
Related & Similar Matches
Before you get to all the wise-ass comments about William Shatner's acting, let me point out that before Star Trek, Shatner was a highly respected actor on the Broadway stage. Not in musicals (thank god), but in a hit play called The World of Suzy Wong. I should know this because during the run of that play, a friend of my mother's confronted Shatner at the stage door and gushed: "Oh, Mr. Shatner, did you know my Mom and your Mom are in the same Hadassah group back in Montreal?" (She didn't get an autograph.) Now, Broadway was a competitive place in this era. Shatner ran a play for two years at a time when the competition included The Sound of Music, Ethel Merman in Gypsy, and that Franklin Roosevelt play that Krusty the Klown tried to revive. Harrison Ford, on the other hand, has no Broadway experience that I know of. A problem, because any conflict between an older, established hero (Kirk) and a young, cocky upstart (Han) must operate in the shadow of the original version of this conflict: Annie Get Your Gun, the story of a conflict between oldest established sharpshooter Frank Butler and young, cocky upstart Annie Oakley. You know where this is going. Kirk knows where this is going. But how will Han, er, Han-dle himself when he's required to participate in the Big Production Number(tm)? HAN: Anything you can do, I can do better,
KIRK: Any gal you can do, I can do double,
HAN: I can shoot a laser,
HAN: Anything I can do, you can do better,
So you see the importance of Broadway experience, because if only Han had been on Broadway... uh... what I mean to say is, the point of that long song parody was... er... aw, heck, can I go back and write a parody of a song from My Fair Lady instead? - Captain Corcoran
When the match is over...
31 Bottles from the bar smashed over an opponent's head. Finally seeing the Starfleet captain lose in a fistfight with a REAL competitor, WITHOUT getting his shirt torn? PRICELESS. - The Mad Josher
What the hell's the point? If Kirk kills Solo, then ILM will recreate it digitally so Solo wins. If Solo kills Kirk, then a Star Trek novel will come out a year later resurrecting him and giving him a new ship to command. It's a revisionist fanboy paradox. - Kilgore Trout
All we need to determine the winner of this match is some simple math. First, we need to define our combatants. Kirk will be designated "K" and Han, "H". Kirk is the leader of the redshirts ("R"), therefore K>R. As proven by previous Grudge Match history, the Stormtroopers ("S") defeated the Redshirts, so we can also conclude S>R. Han Solo is the enemy of the Stormtroopers, and helps to defeat them by the end of the Star Wars Trilogy, therefore H>-S (since Han is the Stormtroopers' enemy, he must carry the stipulation of an inverse relationship, hence the negative sign). So, we have the following: K>R, S>R, H>-S. By adding these equasions together, we can determine that K+S+H>R+R+-S. In order to simplify the equasion, we add S to both sides, resulting in: K+2S+H>2R. Kirk and Han cannot be on the same side in this match, so in order to simplify again, we add -K to both sides (also putting Kirk with the Redshirts, whom he commands), resulting in: 2S+H>2R+-K. Since we need to know the results of Kirk's ("K") battle, not Kirk's enemy's ("-K") battle, we multiply the right side of the equasion by - 1 and reverse the "greater than" sign, resulting in: 2S+H<-2R+K. Since we all know that the Redshirts' enemies are the Stormtroopers (once again, from Grudge Match history), the equasion can once again be re-written as: 2S+H<2S+K.
Take away the Stormtroopers from both sides of the equation, and we
result in: H
Star Wars: Sucker-punched Darth Vader ("Join in at the last second
and take credit for the victory!")
So we can see that Han's accomplishments are greatly inflated in his
own mind as well as the minds of the innumerable fanboys who will
inevitably vote him to victory.
- Canus Shamus
- Galahad
Contrast this with Star Wars. First three movies were pretty good.
Jedi was a little weak, but it had that kick-ass space battle around
the second Death Star to make up for it. Then we get the two
prequels, which reek like Tauntaun guts. Why? What's missing in
these two movies that the first had? I'll tell you: HAN SOLO. Every
other freaking character in the first three movies has either
appeared or been refered to in the prequels, except Han. Clearly,
the defining coolness of Star Wars was Han Solo.
-Mac
Come on, think about it - did Kirk really ever win against anyone
single-handedly? The only time I can remember Kirk truly going mano e mano
without his Trek posse to back him up in any way was in that cross-over flick,
where poor Malcolm McDowell had to act all scared when fat, lumbering
Shatner showed up to kick his ass. (Where's McDowell's Oscar, damn it?) And
what happened there? He died.
So I'm thinking it's not so much about Kirk winning as Solo losing, which he's
pretty good at. Most of the Star Wars films consist of him failing, whining, or
both until R2D2 bails them all out. Solo's even named after a doomed
character: Mr. Solo in Goldfinger, who gets shot and crushed by Odd-Job. So his odds ain't good.
However George Lucas is really just a B-movie rip-off artist, and much
of Star Wars is stolen from Kurosawa's The Hidden Fortress, where the Han
Solo-ish character is played by Toshiro Mifune, king of the bad-asses. And a
big chunk of Solo's Empire Strikes Back dialogue is lifted from Rhett Butler.
That's two layers of teflon-coated coolness that can't freakin' lose.
He also has two weapons at his disposal (banned by the Geneva Convention,
I think) Kirk can't counter:
1. Chewie's terrifyingly ugly family ("they all mean so much to him" he tells them, and hugs them often, even though Wookies look like they smell), and
2. Freakin' Lucas can go back after the fact and digitally ruin...I mean,
enhance...it so it looks like Han won.
- Special Guest Star Bea Arthur
"What the f**ck is going on in here!?" 'she' rants, with a thundering
voice that could make a Bantha shiver.
"We... come... in... peace... (...shoot... to... kill...)" says Kirk, while
letting go a little smile.
"Huh? Do I know ya, swetie?" adds Solo with a glancing look.
"Listen, you stay outta this, muthaf**cker! You can even get a good job
on that Miami Vice rip-off! And you, Harrison, you a**hole, you can't
fight ANYONE to death! You have to stay in good shape for the part of
Uatusro Solo, Han's fat and drunk father! And, anyway, hand-to-hand
fighting is mean and wrong! If you're gonna fight, do it with
ludicrous, overrated weapons made by choppy CGI efects, and with sugar-coated comic relief companions!"
Natalie drags Han from the ear outta the bar, into that former beloved
factory of dreams now turned into a branch of hell that we once knew
as Lucasfilm LTD. Kirk wins by default.
Or not, because as he is about to be awarded the winner by judge
Buckaroo Banzai, the "Star Trek Must Always Loose" rule kicks in and a
passing meteor crashes into the cantina, squashing Kirk in the process
"Oh God! They've killed Kirkie! They've killed Kirkie! You
bastards!" says Chekov.
"Shut up! You will respect my autoritah now!" raves Spock.
- Tyler Durden(strong Lucas is with the Force,but not that strong...)
- Rainwoman
- The HeartBurn Kid, master of the Jedi Mind Fark
Solo, Defeats the greatest empire in the whole universe.
Solo, gets his ass whooped by teddy bears.
Solo, delivers great comical relief during all 3 original star wars
movies.
Solo, saves Luke from being killed who in turn blows up the death star.
so there you have it, Solo wins and Kirk loses, even if they both
had their sidekicks with them (Chewbacca and Spock) Solo and Bacca
who kick some vulcan human ass. 'nuff said.
- Brum Dawg
Unless Dr Zoidberg's national anthem is playing in the
background... 'cos Kirk always wins them occasions.
- Si (Footballius Hooliganus)
Don't you see? The girls, the slow way of speaking, the ever-growing
paunch... Kirk is obviously Jabba's brother!
"Ho... ho... ho... now... you... will... die... Solo." Kirk laughs,
pressing the button that drops Han into a pit. From its cage steps a
shambling, growling beast.
"Good boy. Play dead." Han sneers as he fires his blaster between the
creature's eyes. The monster explodes in a flurry of rubber and
helium. The gas also blows open a nearby curtain, revealing a Vulcan
controlling the wires to move the balloon.
"Do not kill the man behind the curtain!" Spock yells as he flees.
Meanwhile, Jimmy the Hutt is laughing so much that he doesn't notice
one of his groupies - the one with buns over her ears - sneaking up
behind him with a chain and wrapping it around his neck.
Kirk hams it up as he never has before, bulging his eyes and wheezing
pitifully, but even the worst acting in the world can't save him. As
his body goes limp his last words are "T... J... Hooker..."
By now Han has climbed out of the pit. He smiles, gives Leia a peck
on the cheek and stuffs a time-delay thermal detonator in Kirk's
mouth. Han makes a witty comment about the monster and Kirk
being "full of hot air", and runs out with Leia on his arm, pausing
only to toss a few credits at the bartender and shout "Sorry in
advance about the mess!"
- Oxymoron ("I Guess Lone Star Was Unavailable")
- Tracer (and by the way, Kirk's patented Two-fisted Back Hammer(tm) doesn't do squat)
- Don "King" Milliken
At first I thought maybe it was a sign to vote for Kirk, since
Shatner is the Priceline spokesperson. But then the horrible
repressed memories came flooding back, nearly driving me insane, and
I realized that I needed to vote to rid the galaxy of the man that
played Kirk once and for all! For the love of God, please, no more of
those commercials!
- Penteren
20) Han Solo has never had a successful attempt to sneak up on
someone. Kirk? Standard Starfleet Procedure.
- Tahna Los
All the women I asked (six plus me) agreed; we would sleep with Han
Solo, but we'd rather be tortured by Ewoks then go on a date with
Kirk. Han in a landslide.
- Jen
...
Ah screw it! Solo beats Kirk like a red-shirted, red-headed
stepchild.
- Simon'sDad
- Antidisestablishmentairianism
And what upsets these heroes is who has the cooler ship? PLEASE.
- The Nestbeschmutzer, burning Barney's creator in effigy so that nobody's left out.
In a fluid motion the Corellian draws and squeezes off two blasts. Kirk drops onto the floor beneath a table. The second shot hits a Red Shirt ensign who had just re-entered the
room after stepping out to relieve himself. With a look of shock and
horror he crumples to the ground dead.
"My god, he's killed Kenny!" Shout three other Red Shirts running to their fallen comrade.
"Sorry, about that," says Solo. "I warned him." Striding over to bar
he throws a few coins to the barman. "Here's for the mess."
As Solo exits the bar a sudden double fisted hammer blow blind sides
him. He drops to the floor his world reeling. Looking up he sees Kirk
standing over him. Only the edge of Kirk's tunic bears witness to
Solo's blaster shot.
Kirk hunches over and strangly starts speak. "We... thepeople...
oftheUnitedStatesofAmerica,... inOrdertoform.. a... more...
perfectUnion... establishJustice. These... aremorethanjust... words"
Recovering from the surprise attack Solo pulls Kirk's feet out from
under him and they start a rolling tumbling brawl. Somewhere in the
struggle Kirk's phaser is kicked. Caught on a splinter it sets itself
on overload.
Kirk and Solo stop as their fight is interupped by a sudden warning
wail. With a look of horror they lunge for the phaser. But it is too
late it overloads and vaporizes the whole building. There's nothing
left but a smoking crater.
The wailing continues in the swirling smokey darkness.
A light penetrates the darkness. Rubbing the sleep out of his eyes
Commander Adama reaches over and turns off the alarm clock. He leans
back and smiles. That's one of his favorite dreams.
- Ford
- Plain, simple Garak
KIRK: You . . . Star Wars . . . people . . . think you're . . . so
tough! I've . . . been waiting . . . a . . . long . . . time . . .
for . . . this!
SOLO: Yeah, I bet you have.
Exit SOLO with a dozen sexy green-skinned babes.
- DarthCovenant
Whose universe does the fight occur in? If it's Kirk's, he'll end up
with a torn shirt, a trickle of blood at the corner of his mouth, and
the win. If it's Han's, the Wookiee will storm in before too much
damage is done and open up a two-by-four of Whup Ass(TM), with similar
results for Kirk (but without the win.)
The set up tells us Kirk is sitting in the space bar without any Trek
buddies - alone (except for the requisite alien beauties). I can't
remember ever seeing such a thing happen in the Star Trek
episodes/movies I've watched, therefore Kirk must have travelled out
of the Trek world. Thus, it follows logically that the fight occurs
in the Star Wars' inertial frame of reference. I imagine Han was only
sitting alone while Chewie gets drinks or visits the can, so...
I give Kirk the same odds as I give Brendan, now that Devin the Mental
Hospital Escapee has "graduated".
- Alter Ego Helen Jones
Scenario 1:
Scenario 2:
Scenario 3)
Scenario 4)
Scenario 5:
- Dave C
Kirk(tm):I will defeat you, Solo(tm). Come, Spock(tm)!
- Blimpie
- Monkeydog,
{You mean you never heard Elaan ask Kirk about "This Earth custom called spanking", or Marlena from the Mirror Universe purr about "Oiling my traps, darling"? Boy, where have you been -- Shane}
- Panache
But let's just assume that the Star Trek curse is unbreakable.
Kirk can still win! How many Kirks are there? Besides normal Kirk,
there's android Kirk, alternate universe Kirk, Kirk's evil half, Iman
disguised as Kirk, the Kirk clones in the Game Boy game, and that's
just off the top of my head. Except for the "real" Kirk, the James T.
Kirks are all villains- and everyone knows that "Star Trek must lose"
does not apply to bad guys (see Khan, the Borg). Given that there
probably dozens of fake Kirks, and only one real one, the odds are
pretty slim that the good Kirk is the one in the scenario. Han Solo's
going to go down faster than the Alien Chick of the Week (TM) on the
Kirkmeister.
- The Amazing Rando~!
And now we see a similar set-up. Now, Kirk may not be the best
actor in the world, but if there's anything Star Trek taught us, it's
that Kirk can't be beaten in a fistfight by anyone. I even saw him
take on a knife-wielding Orion pirate and win even though the pirate
had surprised him.
Hey, how about we pit Luke and his one X-Wing fighter against
every ship in the Federation just so we can see another mismatch lost
to lying fanboys?
- Trekker that can beat any SW fanboy
Kirk (and everything Star Trek) sees everything as Social Commentary.
So, I see the fight going like this:
Kirk: Insult me?
I could go on and point out that Kirk is too insecure to win, as
evidenced by his constant worry over his ship (like the Enterprise is
made out of bone china, or something), or his constant chasing and
dumping of women, and his complete dependence on the Fed's rules to
bale him out at the first sign of trouble, MEANWHILE, Solo's
confidence is strong enough to chase one strong-headed troublesome
female across the galaxy and back, under enemy fire no less, and have
confidence in his ship to pilot it through asteroid belts and around
the edges of black holes while being fired upon, BUT . . .
Kirk is dead (both in this story and in his, regardless of what
Shatner writes)
so the point is moot.
- GibsonGirl
That old git, Kirk, vs. the man who practically single-handedly
took on the Death Star's complement of stormtroopers? Methinks not!
Sure, the guy had help, but from whom? A nineteen-year-old brat with
too many daydreams to realize he's being shot at, his twin sister who
winds up sending them down to nearly get crushed and/or eating in a
garbage pit, and a cowardly Wookiee who runs off at some ugly eyeball
making roaring noises. Just LOOK at the kind of hired help he uses!
Yet he still manages to hold off a platoon of the Empire's lethal
symbols of power with nothing but an E-11 blaster rifle. Pretty
impressive stuff, I'd say.
But little ol' Kirky can't even touch down on a planet without
dragging along an away team of red-shirt fodder, his excessively-
logical pointy eared nincompoop, and the doctor who is apparently
around to treat Kirk's senility, since he has to keep REMINDING the
good captain that he's a doctor, not a whatever.
So who's better alone in a fight? Our dear General Solo has
proven himself time and again against the Empire's elite in both land
and air. Kirk is down in zero seconds flat.
And if we were to suppose that the two foes DID have their
respective companions backing one another up, well, I'd pit Chewie,
the furry epitome of rage and ferocity against Spock, the elflike
personification of logical solution, any day.
- Mark Lord of the Sith
{Shane sez: Hey, you forget one of us is a sci-fi writer. I can call Ann if I want the lowdown. (And yes, I like showing off.) But just in case anyone else needs an explanation ...}
Oh god, I've become a fanboy. Shoot me.
- kramertim
- IronRose
Most adult males spend the majority of their waking hours thinking
about sex. Some scientists believe that the average male thinks
about sex once every four minutes. This figure may hold true for the
average Buddhist monk, but for most males the figure is much higher.
Given this fact, we can speculate that if a man were left on a planet
where any wish you had came true, they would immediately conjure up a
bevy of scantily clad, nubile vixens to spend time with.
Not so with Captain Kirk. In the "Shore Leave" episode Kirk was on
just such a planet, and the fantasy he lived out was beating the ever-
living crap out of Finnegan, his arch-nemesis from Starfleet
Academy. That's right - when given a choice between sex and
fighting, Kirk chose a knock-down, drag-out bare-knuckles brawl that
lasted most of the episode.
We could speculate that this choice is a result of the fact that Kirk
has no sexual fantasies whatsoever because he has lived them all out
already. Kirk has made it with at least one member of every species
in the galaxy that has a female orifice, including one woman who was
blue. The space once reserved for sex has instead been replaced by
the other primal urge, beating the ever-living crap out of your
fellow human being.
Han Solo, on the other hand, spends most of his fantasy time thinking
about Princess Leia. In fact, I think most of it is spent thinking
of her in the gold bikini from Return of the Jedi, but I'm probably
revealing more about myself with that little nugget of information
than about Han...
In sum, Han Solo spends most of his waking hours thinking about Leia,
while Kirk spends most of his waking hours thinking about beating the
crap out of fellow human beings. The choice as to who would win such
a fight is obvious, though, like Finnegan, it would probably take
Kirk about 45 minutes to finish off Han.
- "JustRob" Carter
- Thrillhouse
While a good pilot, Han Solo is notoriously weak when it comes to
dealing with villains without the aid of his ship. He only defeated
Jabba's henchman in "Star Wars" by a surprise shooting in the bar at
Mos Eisley. In "The Empire Strikes Back", Solo is outwitted,
betrayed, outmaneuvered, and captured by Boba Fett. In "Return of
the Jedi" he is too blinded from being in carbonite to do much
fighting on Jabba's barge, though he manages a rescue.
Kirk, on the other hand, has ample practice in hand-to-hand
fighting. On a large fraction of the original series episodes, Kirk
gets into fights with aliens, often larger and/or stronger than he
was. He gets pretty disheveled, but in most cases, his opponent is
defeated. And if that isn't enough, Kirk could always burst into
song. His singing is so hideous that Solo would have no choice but
to cover his ears with his hands and leave himself defenseless.
As for Chewbacca (after all, one would figure that a wookie would
make a splendid ally in a fight), he won't help in this case. The
reason is the man beneath the fur. Years ago, Peter Mayhew used to
date Marina Sirtis (Deanna Troi on "Star Trek: The Next
Generation"). Then, they broke up under angry terms and took to
hurling insults at each other on talk shows and the tabloids. Not
wanting to dredge up memories of this episode, Chewbacca will stay
well away from anything Trek. So, he will probably be ripping the
arms off hapless holo-chess players while the fight is going on.
Kirk's crew, knowing from past experience, will also stay out of the
fight. McCoy and Scotty will be at the bar getting drunk while Spock
will try to tell them how illogical it is.
So, what will happen is that Kirk will beat the stuffings out of
Solo, but Kirk's shirt will be ripped to shreds anyway. Then, as per
the "no shirt, no service" rule in the bar, Kirk will be ejected from
the premises at about the time the ambulance arrives to pick Solo.
- The Demented Astronomer
- Mr. Silverback- Still wants a recount of Q vs. Emperor Palpatine.
- They Call Me Marsh
- A member of the Fence Post Nipples, the best band in all the land
Why, you may ask. Well, have you ever seen Arena, the episode
where Kirk had to fight against an alien on a derelict desert planet?
There is a scene where the monstrous alien tries to hit Kirk with a
knife, and where Kirk defends himself by putting a rock between
himself and the knife. However, as we very well see, this proves to be
unnecessary: as the alien hits the rock with his knife, we can clearly
see that Kirk's charisma has turned the weapon to harmless rubber.
So, even if Han Solo does fire first, he'll be surprised to see
that his laser bullets have turned into pink fluorescent light, which
will only cause Kirk to laugh before he hurls in to the final kill.
- The Great Ize
If he delivers a punch like he delivers a line, James T. Kirk would
seem to be at a disadvantage. His ... dramatic ... pauses ... would ... be ...
the ... end ...of ... him. Solo would have plenty of time to get a couple
punches in.
On the other hand, if Solo flies a fist like he flies the Millennium
Falcon, Han Solo would be at the disadvantage. Kirk, even with his
paused delivery, would have plenty of time to land punches when Solo
uses several scans to make sure there are no objects between his
shoulder and Kirk's face before sending his fist into hyperdrive.
It's too close to call, so I'll go to the sidekicks.
Mr. Spock would deem the entire fight illogical.
However, the match is over after Chewbacca notices the pelt of one of
his offspring on Kirk's head.
- Mark Wentz
- Anonymous
- Good God.
- Spoo Monkey
Which brings me to an examination of Han Solo's and Jim Kirk's
willpower. Han Solo leaves his first movie or three, he's fighting
Nazis, he's fighting the IRA, he's the gunning down Kazakhs in a 777,
he's making zillions of dollars, he's on an island rocking Ellen's
woman like a hurricane (who reacts by actually ceasing to be a
lesbian), still cut and trim and hungry for more.
Jim Kirk leaves his first series and he's living out of the back of
his pickup and doing _Pippin_ at the Paper Mill Playhouse in New
Jersey. He records albums and doesn't manage to sing. He phones in
every other movie with his franchise, barely bothers to show up for
his last, and is so huge that his ass is airbrushed heavily in
several of them. He steals his toupee rather than purchasing it.
His Iron Chef USA episodes come out at excessively lazy, 9-month
intervals. He has not been seen with a green woman in decades,
presumably not out of lack of interest, but because of a shameful
lack of anything resembling effort.
The fact of the matter is that Han wants it more, so he finds a way
to win the fight. He's always wanted it more, in everything in life,
from day one, whereas Kirk is too damn lazy to call the airline in
order to buy tickets. Kirk gives up halfway through, gets rabbit
punched, and simply resigns himself to death.
- Peter Fenzel
After all, Han never has time to discuss these things in a committee.
- Joel the Gosarian
Judging from Han's comments, it's not the bar on the Mos Eisley
spaceport. So Han probably doesn't have the giant rat, Walrus man or Bea Arthur to help him out (which begs the
question of whether they'd even take his side). True, he does have a
figurative 800lb elephant (any bigger & it wouldn't fit in the corner
booth, Shane) with a proven record fighting against Star Trek. But
that elephant is just a metaphor for the "Star Trek MUST lose" rule,
& we all know how good Kirk is at breaking rules.
I couldn't help noticing that in the picture Han has a bloodlessly
pale, disembodied hand on his arm. To my limited knowledge, the only
bar in space that employs such a hand is The Old Pink Dog Bar from
So Long, And Thanks for All The Fish (funny, it seemed
bigger & more threatening in the book). It doesn't seem to be
restraining him (at this point, anyway), but rather seems to be
resting there in an encouraging fashion, as if it's siding with him.
Why would the establishment of this particular "wretched hive of scum
& villainy" support Solo over Kirk? Because James T. Kirk is from
the Star Trek universe, where, in the United Federation of Planets
utopia, they don't use any money. I don't mean the "Republic
credits" sort of non-money; I mean no money at all - No cash,
travelers' checks, credit cards, food stamps, direct deposits, ...not
even nice shiny pebbles. While Han may not be good at paying back
his creditors (Jabba, for instance), there's a least an outside
chance he'll pay his bar tab, which is more than can be said for
those freeloading Federation types. Even if he has Spock & Sulu (the
only members of the original Enterprise crew who were anything
approaching useful in a fight), Kirk will be unable to prevail
against the combined might of Solo, the unattached hand, the throat-
ripping, contract killer advertising bird (per the book, another bar
employee) & popular opinion (The universes' finest form of
entertainment, i.e. the Grudge Match, reaches even to this neck of
the woods...so any other bar patrons tempted to pick a side will know
the "Star Trek" rule... & if they don't know it, I'm sure that Dumbo
will be happy to pause in between knocking back drinks to enlighten
them). Way to go, Han, you Wookiee hugging fool!
- Estrella - Special Thanks to Safety Monkey's canon rant
- the flying lizard
Kirk is a wussy captain who wears polyester, would stand out in a
disco for chameleons on hard drugs, wields a weapon that looks like a
futuristic vibrator, and has a negative score on the mentos level
coolness.
Solo has Chewbacca for a companion, a huge, hairy alien whom Han
can't have sex with, even if he were gay (which he ain't). All that
time cooped up in space with an oversized teddy bear for
companionship takes its toll on a man, and so he has THE RAGE(tm).
Kirk gets laid in almost every episode. He ain't an angry man,
nosireebobbo.
And finally, if this is a bar fight, EVERYONE gets involved (like Mr
T vs Mr Clean). Solo has most smugglers rooting for him, and Kirk has
most off-duty Starfleet personnel to back him up. Which means that
Solo has ex-mercenaries, and Kirk has red-shirts. Hmm, I wonder who
will win...
honestly, this match is so lopsided, that you might as well pit
Gabrielle against Tasha Yar... that might be marginally more
interesting.
- whut?
In the afterlife, the Arabian swordsman from Raiders of the Lost Ark
meets Kirk and says "that sunuvabitch shot you too?"
- Mike
If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:
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