World Wide Web Fights presents
WWWF GRUDGE MATCH

The Setting

This match brings us to a seedy, dank, smoke filled bar in a bad section of New Orleans. Seated side-by-side at the bar are Mr. T and Mr. Clean. Both have been drinking steadily for several hours. It's summer in New Orleans, and the steamy heat is shortening everyone's temper, including our two contestants. Although they are aware of each other's presence, they have been ignoring each other and drowning their own personal anguishes in whiskey. Mr. T is (still) upset about the cancellation of the A-Team as well as losing to Rocky. Mr. Clean just got word that he will lose his job because those damn scrubbing-bubbles will work for less money. Tempers are running short--neither contestant has anything left to lose.

While reaching for his next drink, Mr. T accidentally spills it all over Mr. Clean. Mr. Clean jumps to his feet in anger! Mr. T, who is already primed for a fight, jumps to his feet as well. The rage glints in both of their eyes--it is clear that only one will walk out of the bar in one piece. Brian, who do you like in this traditional bar-room brawl?

[We realize this is a truly bizarre match. However, we both liked it, so that's all that really matters.]

Mr. T Mr. Clean

Mr. T

vs.

Mr. Clean

The Commentary

BRIAN: Well, the way I see, the rage is about a wash. Mr. T's mad about two things (losing A-team, losing to Rocky); Mr. Clean's mad about two things (losing out to scrubbing bubbles, getting drink spilled on him); there's an additional component involving scalp razor burn, but that's a push as well. Despite what my Uncle Olaf always used to say ("Never bet on the white guy"), I gotta go with Mr. Clean. True, all we ever see of the Clean Man is his silly smile in recently polished bathroom tile, but I saw him last week in one of those bare-fisted contests last week and he beat the crap out of that guy that guarded the plane in 'Raiders of the Lost Ark'. He might can clean grout as good as Alice, but he's got a rock solid build on him and a left that Clubber Lang wouldn't see coming.

Besides, just look at the jewelry. Mr. T has got a good 75 pounds weighing him down when he's out on the town like this (he's about to OG), while all Mr. Clean has is the one hoop earring (which, by the way, he's had since high school. That's how he learned to fight).

Moe, the bartender, calls a TKO after 90 seconds (at which point he is overhead saying "What'z da mattah, Mistah T?")

STEVE:You can take your chance on Mr. Clean, but I pity the poor fool who don't pick Mr. T. Mr. Clean is soft from his many years of leeching off innocent homemakers. Others do all the work, and he always jumps in at the last minute and takes all the credit. Kind of like Clinton.

Mr. T. is an experienced fighter. He was once the heavyweight champ, after all. He also had a lot of experience bashing in heads with his A-Team cronies. He's got the eye of the tiger back--he's certainly learned his lesson from Rocky III. The way I see it, Mr. Clean will give a clean hit to Mr. T. T turns his head to lessen the blow, and the rage builds within him. A quick one-two to Mr. Clean leaves him wobbly. T starts working Clean's stomach while the stunned Clean helplessly tries to defend himself. T finishes with an uppercut to Clean's jaw, and Clean is out before he hits the floor. T in under a minute.

BRIAN: First of all, for using the overly-obvious 'I pity the fool' reference in the first sentence of your rebuttal, you recieve a 10 minute mute penalty.

Second, I see that your week off hasn't cleared up your thinking any. O.K., let's just ignore the fact that Mr. T is weighted down with gold. Let's just ignore the fact he's half drunk (Mr. Clean is, of course, completely sober. That's how he got the name 'Mr. Clean'). I've already covered the rage thing ('eye of the tiger'), and that's a push, as I so eloquently stated previously. Oh, and if Mr. Clean never does any work, how did he get so big? Honestly, Steve, I think you need a longer vacation. (I highly recommend the Whispering Willow Breezy Pines Sancitorium for Crazy People (TM). And don't tell anyone there you think Mr. T would win, or they may not let you out.)

STEVE: I have but one more point to make. Just look at that picture of Mr. Clean. As you are so fond of saying, "'nuff said."

Click here for a comprehensive listing of Mr. T vs. Everything.

The Results

Mr. T (402)

mops up

Mr. Clean (365)

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Voter Comments

Think about it... Ok both contestants are gargantuan in build but how did they get that way? Mr. T busted long tiring hours of training and conditioning to win the worlds strongest bouncer award, knock out every heavyweight fighter (except Balboa), and muscle his way out of countless barricaded wherehouses. Mr. Clean, however, buffs his biceps by houshold cleaning?... Yeah, maybe his scrubbing muscles could help him put a pretty mean noogie on Mr. T, but I could just imagine Mr. T grappling Clean into a headlock and clenching up his... well flexing his bicepts and popping Clean's head like the proverbial zit.

-t mogi

Mr. T. will win because of one very imporant reason: experience. Mr. Clean may have the superior physique and the intimidating looks of Yul Brynner, Mr. T has bona fide WWF credentials under his belt (and chains). Mr. T has learned the sport from the master himself, Hulk Hogan.

All in all, I predict Mr. Clean will put up a good fight with raw native strength and talent, but in the end, Mr. T will emerge victorious.

- David

Mr. T is the sure victor in almost any match imaginable. If you watched the recent Ultimate Fighting Championship 6 (David Hasselhoff was there!), Mr. T's protege Oleg Taktarov really whupped up on everyone (T taught him everything he knows). Plus he beat the Italian Stallion in Rocky III. Plus he was at a candy convention and I have a butterfinger (TM) poster autographed by The T-man himself. Plus he is probably carrying at least one pair of brass knuckles around with him. Plus he is friends with the Fat Boys and they are the coolest guys ever to grace the planet with their prescence. Plus he has not one, not two, but THREE distinct sections in his hair. Plus vinnie an I had a little talk wid him before the fight, and we made it clear that, were he to win, a very unpleasant "accident" might unfortunately occur that would leave him hospitalized for quite a while. Ha ha aha aha aha ahaahahahaha a.

-JZC

Boys, boys, boys. What about everyone else in the bar? You said this was a traditional bar-room brawl...doesn't that mean that everyone present has to get involved? So let's analyze who would come in on each side. Mr. Clean is worshipped by hordes of bored homemakers who are so lonely and desperate for human involvement that they are expected (by clever advertisers) to concoct some sort of relationship with a chrome-domed guy on their ammonia bottle. Now, either these housekeepers probably don't hang out in bars or (the possibility I personally feel to be more likely) they may not really even exist. On the other hand, Mr. T was known and loved by crowds of adolescents (remember he even had a Saturday morning cartoon show), lots of middle-class people living in Neilson homes, and the usual admiring throngs of emotionally-deprived fanboys. I suspect that a few of these types may be in the bar (unless the A-Team reruns are on at this time of the evening) and would come to the aid of their hero. Face it, before Mr. Clean can even yell for mommy, Mr T. and all his fans will be all over the poor guy. Time to mop up with Mr. Clean...

-JM Massi

T is Toast. Clean has the obvious advantage when it comes to alcohol. Clean can hold his liqour better. This job news is new for him. He just' started the binge. T has probably been drinking straight since 1989. Clean has maybe a mild buzz but no more. He learned from his tour of duty on a pirate ship that if you get too drunk you can get in trouble. T is just sloshed. But does Mr. Clean give away this advantage? Clearly not. As the Mr. Clean song goes..."Mr Clean is the man, he'll always leave a shine, IS IT WET, OR IS IT DRY?" Clean is hiding his sobriety and pretending to be drunk for the swimming Mr. T.

T will probably try to say that pity the fool line but won't even have it completed by the time Clean had hit him with the stool. This match clearly will not last 5 seconds.

Mr T may be weighed down by all that jewellery, but you forget the side effects: T has built in knuckle dusters and an armoured torso. Clean will go for a quick shot to the diaphragm and break his knucles on a gigantic pendant in the shape of Africa. T, feeling no pain due to large amounts of alcohol, will punch Clean once, leaving a T shaped welt on Clean's forehead, Clean is now staggering. Mr T then uses his favourite A-Team tactic and lifts Clean above his head before throwing him down the length of the bar. In doing so, he spills everyone else's drinks. Just as the angry crowd are about to lynch the big guy, Hannibal (Smith, not Lector) bursts in and sprays the bar with automatic weapons fire. In the best A-Team tradition, only bottles are broken and nobody is even scratched. Smith and T make their getaway (Face and Murdoch are in outer space, on the Galactica and the Enterprise respectively). Unfortunately, George Peppard has fallen off the wagon and is as drunk as Mr T, so whoever drives the van is put away for drunk driving...

- Marcus

I don't know if any of you are Simpsons fans, but the answer to this fight lies in the life of Homer Simpson. Both Mr. T and Mr. Clean have appeared on the Simpsons and from that we will see that Mr. Clean will kick Mr. T's ass.

Homer was cleaning the basement once when the fumes got to him. Mr. Clean as well as the scrubbing bubbles and other cleaning mascots jumped out of the bottles and attacked Homer. Mr. Clean kicked the crap out of that fat waste.

Mr. T appeared as a member of a secret society that Homer belonged to. When everyone in the club got sick of Homer, and they couldn't kick him out, Mr. T's only solution was to quit the club and make a new one. This worthless coward couldn't even stand up to Homer J. Simpson, and for that, I give him no respect.

The result, Mr. Clean in under 5 minutes, and then BAM, right out the door and off to Bourbon Street and a bunch of cheap women.

- Jon-o

Mr. Clean, by a mile! You try spending your life with your face in a toilet and see if you "ain't da tuff guy". Sure Mr. T is tough, but his time hsa been spent polishing his gold, while Mr. Clean is polishing the porcelin. No contest.

- golfchef

We've all seen Mr. T get whooped by a greasy white boy. Do you think Rocky could beat Mr. Clean? No way. Also, the Dude of Life sang a song about Mr. Clean being a tough guy. It's just common knowledge. Ok, in this song, Cap'n Crunch is putting the moves on the Swiss Miss girl, and Mr. Clean came to the rescue. The song is called "trials and tribulations" and its on the CD "The Dude of Life and PHiSH". Soon you'll realize Mr. T is a chump.

- Furfle

This is a tough one to call.

Both of these guys are in the business of saving those who can't save themselves: As part of the A-Team, Mr. T took on any fool who'd dare mess with innocent, clean living people; Mr. Clean has been helping homeowners get tough on dirt on a daily basis.

Both have faced hardship: Mr. T has had his ups (A-Team, cartoon show, movie and WWF contracts), and downs (career down the drain, losing to Rocky); Mr. Clean has basically been on 24 hour call to bust dirt every day of his entire life.

Both are in their element: I believe Mr. T started out as a bouncer at a bar, while the spilled beer and dark-and-dirty atmosphere of the bar itself might just put Mr. Clean into a berzerker rage.

Both have choice hairstyles: Mohawk vs. Shaved Pate.

Both are huge: Mr T. huge, enhanced by huge gold chains; Mr. Clean huge and buff with muscles on display for all too see.

Let's face it, they're very evenly matched, and they're basically good guys who've been down on their luck and turned to drink. And we all know what happens when two huge good guys fight; they knock each other around just enough so that they're both damaged. Then, they suddenly both realize that they shouldn't be fighting each other, they should go back to taking on dirt and grime, back to tossing seedy looking villains through windows and into tables, back to saving the innocent from both dirt AND treachery.

It is at this point that they will look around the bar. Dirt and grime are everywhere. And the patrons - seedy villains up to no good. For the next ten minutes T and Clean take on everyone else, mopping up the bar (or what's left of it after they're done fighting each other) and then heading off to do good elsewhere. In the ensuing carnage, we get to see all of the standard big guy versus many little guy/barroom fight cliches - getting hit by a chair from behind then turning around and smacking the guy, throwing guys onto the bar so they slide through some drinks, chucking someone into the mirror and saying something about 7 years bad luck. In a surprise reversal of roles, Mr. T will grab a mop and bust some dirt, while Mr. Clean takes a page from T's book and starts grabbing bad guys in groups of three and throwing them through the windows and into tables. The battle over, they go on their way, having been reaffirmed.

I vote for both Mr. T AND Mr. Clean.

- Dave

i thought about this one for a few minutess then after i got really high i decided to vote for mr. T he is one mad mother. i wouldn';t wana mess with him. but then on the other hand, i don't even like yathzee' best wishes and congrats on the new baby.

- seth

[We prefer "Captain Toke" to "seth." Just a *few* brain cells gone from this boy... -Ed]

This is fistfight of gargantuan proportions, the likes of which hasn't been seen since the NHL ended its season. Both fighters take time to measure each other out; they assume the fighting stance and start shuffling slowly in a circle. It is during this time that some schmendrick in the back starts a bad Howard Cosell imitation that earns him the beating of a lifetime from a fellow bar patron (sadly, nobody sees it because of the two muscular behemoths lining each other up).

Mr. Clean makes the first move and Mr. T avoids Clean's first parry by ducking to the side. Norm and Cliff start making bets on who will win. Cliff starts blowing wind about what a superior physical being Mr. Clean is and Vera proceeds to sucker punch Cliff, forcing him to shut up for the first time in the history of Cheers; the crowd goes wild. Mr. T and Mr. Clean exchange a few jabs and the noise in the bar raises some more when it is discovered that Cliff would have to have his jaw wired shut.

Mr. T gets in a right-left-right combination that has Clean staggering backwards. When Mr. Clean shakes it off, he starts a run at Mr. T's midsection. Mr. Clean misses as T dodges the bald projectile; Clean ends up running past Mr. T who grabs at Clean's earring and pulls it clean off, causing Clean's earlobe to tear. Mr. T is now slightly more crazed than usual because he sees some of his victim's blood. Clean stops running and stands up, touching his hand to his bleeding ear. As Mr. Clean realizes what has happened, he drops to his knees and starts scrubbing at the stains he has left. That is the fight-ending mistake. T, wanting desperately to win a fight, starts kicking at Mr. Clean in brutal LAPD fashion. The crowd, sensing the end is near, starts making still more noise.

The increased noise in the bar forces the 90210 kids to leave the Peach Pit (which is conveniently next door to the action) and complain. The cast of Cheers sees the new arrivals and they attack without warning in merciless badger-like fashion (Sam is especially brutal with previous Grudge Match loser Luke Perry). When the smoke finally clears, Mr. Clean is listed in critical condition in ICU at Chicago Hope (where they reattached the wrong ear), Mr. T is signed to a multi-million dollar contract with Don King, the plastic surgeons of Beverly Hills are deluged with requests to do emergency housecalls, and doctors forget to remove the wire from Cliff's jaw. Aren't happy endings wonderful?

-HotBranch!

Don't forget where the match is being held. Mr. T begins by quickly pointing out a stain on the bar, and hits clean upside the head. Mr. Clean, being a good deal taller than Mr. T, holds his hand to T's face, preventing any retaliatory action while he scrubs out the bar. T takes several ineffectual swings, then resorts to mentioning the blood Clean is dripping on the floor. Clean pushes off of T, and dashes for the janitor's closet.

Clean returns with a mop and some of his merchandise, and starts cleaning the floor. T sneaks up and lays a swift punch to Clean's back, who jabs T in the stomach with the end of the mop. T retches violently on the nearest table, inciting a gasp from Clean. Clean rushes over and begins cleaning the table. T wastes no time and picks up the mop. He rushes over, and hits Clean on the head, breaking the handle. He strikes again, jamming the broken end into Clean's stomach, causing gallons of undigested alchohol and several pints of blood to seek escape. Mr. Clean's last words are, "No, not on the carpet!"

- King

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