The Scenario

In a furniture store somewhere in New York City, a couch is thinking to itself.

Ah, that's better. A moment of peace. First, that one group of people was climbing all over me and wondering aloud how well I'd hide urine stains. They finally leave and ANOTHER group comes by and starts climbing all over me and wondering how well I'd hide café latte stains. Aren't there any coordinated people in New York anymore?

Rats! Here they come again! BOTH GROUPS! What did I do to deserve this?

Both groups brought their own salesperson and they seem to be arguing over who should get to buy me. I wish they both would lose, but that probably won't happen.

AAAAAHHHGGGGGGG!!! Now they seem to be playing tug-o'-war with me! They're going to tear my fabric. Help me! For the love of rec rooms, someone help me! Please!

So, Mark, which troupe of televised New Yorkers will take the couch from the torture chamber into its own purgatory?

Friends gang

vs.

Seinfeld gang

The Commentary

MARK: The Seinfeld gang would not could not beat the Friends gang.

Seinfeld gang: Jerry is a neat freak who would never dirty his hands, much less bloody them. Elaine could do some damage, but also wouldn't want to bloody herself for fear that an eligible bachelor might be right around the corner. Kramer is a planner, not a do-er--and most of his plans fail. Finally, George is too pessimistic to win. To quote Yogi Berra (and others), ninety percent of the game is half-mental. They're much more likely to run home and whine than to actually fight.

Friends gang: Monica is in shape and EXTREMELY competitive. Phoebe is a pacifist unless you get her dander up. Then she is dangerous. Rachel is a whiney wimp. Luckily, the Friends gang won't need her. Ross is also whiney, but competitive--especially when George hits on Rachel. Chandler has a sharp wit. Joey is strong; at least compared to the Seinfeld gang.

Certainly, the Friends gang has a weak link or two, but the Seinfeld gang has no strong links. The Friends will have the couch home in time for the victory party.

BRENDAN: All right Mark, I understand really I do. I know it is a scary time up there in Minnesota, what with knowing you aren't going to see the sun again for six months, so I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume it was fear induced insanity that made you pick the Friends gang, because lets face it there is no way the Seinfelders are losing this one.

Jerry's got it wired. A lifetime of reading Superman comics has prepared him for this exact moment. Also Grudge Match history is highly favorable towards middle aged men who "date" young girls.

And Elaine, that lady is mean. I don't see how any member of the Friend's bunch is going to be able to stand up to the patented Benes "Get Out" shove.

Then there's George. This guy has masterminded everything from menage-a-trois to the "accidental" death of his fiance. To say nothing of the time he spend working for George Steinbrener.

As for Kramer, he's Batman, he's got the Kevorka, and he has already triumphed in the Grudge Match once before. What is Phoebe going to be to the man who brought down the Reverand Jim Ignotowski?

Now let's look at the Friend's gang. Ross and Rachel you correctly analyzed as useless. Phoebe's just going to be out of her league when she goes up against Kramer. I've got nothing against Chandler, but lets face it, even Monica is stronger then he is so I'm pretty sure Jerry can take him. Joey-yeah he's strong but he doesn't even have the brains to play Al Pachino's butt, what's he going to do when he goes up against the evil genius of Costanza. Which just leaves Monica, and while I'll admit that she could be tough, the Infinite Improbabilty Drive that George, Jerry, and Kramer possess (which enables them to each have a different attractive women every week) will surely break her.

The Seinfeld gang is going home with a new couch, at least until Poppy's next visit.

MARK: So you don't think idiots can win, huh? Let me introduce you to Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura.

I'm quite surprised you didn't say Minnesota is in for six months of light because you seem to be in Bizzarro World (TM). By your account, the way Seinfeld & company will win is with 1) Jerry being able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, 2) Elaine being able to rapid-fire shove the entire Friends gang, 3) George getting the entire Friends gang to lick wedding invitation envelopes, and 4) Kramer having access to the batcave. Even if that were able to happen, this is WWWF Ground Zero: Kramer (Batman) would probably fight Jerry (Superman)--followed by hundreds of WWWFiacs again sending us messages about how we screwed up Steve's™ and Brian's™ web site.

What is a friend? According to Merriam Webster's Collegiate Dictionary (Tenth Edition), a friend is "one attached to another by affection or esteem" or "a favored companion." So the Friends gang, as they truly are friends, hold esteem and affection for each other. They would not let the others down. They will fight for the favored couch and for each other. Otherwise, they wouldn't be friends. If they weren't friends, they would have to change the name of the program. Probably to something like "3 Guys, 3 Girls, and a Coffee Shop" then, later, to just "3 Guys and 3 Girls." That would be silly. Therefore, the Friends gang must win.

BRENDAN: Ok, I shall revise. Idiots can occasionally win something but only if they are in a place that voted for Walter Mondale. But putting aside the unique wisdom of the Minnesota voting population for the moment, the fact still remain that the Friends group is totally out gunned.

Its all a matter of divide and conquer. The toxic envelope trick (or some other Costanzan strategem) will be used to thin out the herd (Rachel, Phoebe, and Joey are guaranteed goners). Then with the stupid having been removed, Elaine will go and pick off the weak (sic transit Ross and Chandler). And Kramer already has access to the Batcave, he just likes to call it Jerry's apartment.

Its very sweet that the Friendians are all filled with affection and esteem for one another. Esteem, affection, and 75 cents will get them a lovely greeting card from the good people at Hallmark. But its not going to get them a couch, as that is going to go to the group that is heartless, ruthless, and reckless, the Seinfelders.

And for the record, Superman easily beats Batman.

For Friends and Seinfeld links, visit Sitcoms Online.

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Voter Comments

RESPONSE OF THE WEEK GRUDGIE ™

Ross: <whining> Rachel, go out with me.
Rachel: Get the couch and I'll think about it.
Ross: <whining> But i don't want to.
Monica: Quit your whining.
Ross: <whining> Ok. Common baldy lets go.
George: He's talking to you Elaine.
Elaine: Shut up and get out there.
Chandler: What's the matter, are you bald deaf and a coward?
George: George is getting angry! AAHH!!
Ross: Help!
<biff><bam><ooh><ow>
Elaine: Wow, George is giving it to him.
Jerry: Estelle is not going to like this.
Kramer: Hey buddy, can i have a sandwhich.
Jerry: We're in the middle of a fight.
Kramer: ooh. who are you?
Phoebe: Phoebe<giggle>
Kramer: giddyup
Elaine: Jerry they're coming after us. David!
Puddy: Yeah babe.
Elaine: Kill them.
Puddy: i'm not going to hell
Elaine: Do it
Puddy: Fine
<smack><punch>
Joey: My head. he-e-e-e-ey, E=MC2
Chandler: What
Joey: Nothing, ow
<kick><ouch>For God's Sake Stop!

Seinfelder's get a new couch via the grease monkey
Moral: Don't mess with Christian mechanics

- Big Dy

ROTW ™ Silver Medal Grudgie ™

WHAT THE HELL?!

The only reason I voted at all was for the "both mangled and killed" button that I expected to come up on the next page!

WHERE IS IT?!

Now I just voted for "Freinds"! You must all DIE!

- BOB: Slayerr of the wild spams

ROTW ™ Bronze Medal Grudgie ™

1) Friends and Seinfeld are both NBC shows.

2)NBC is owned by Microsoft.

3)Microsoft tolerates no squabbling amongst its own unholy legions.

So in truth, there will be no real fight. As soon as the tugging of the couch begins, their surgically implanted Dissension Detectors^TM will alert Technopope William I of a breach of morale. Within seconds, the Dark Lord himself storms angrily into the store, his MIB bodyguards fanning out to cover the area and Neuralize^TM anyone who made the mistake of witnessing a flaw in the Empire's image of a united front. Meanwhile, the couch drops to the floor, suddenly forgotten by the would-be combatants, who are now concentrating on coming up with something to say that will keep them alive long enough to see another season.

"What is the meaning of this!?", hisses the Technopope, waving an arm at the ridiculous scene, and incidentally spilling $250,000 in assorted bills (which is quickly swept up by a nervous aide) from his sleeve, "I feed ye, clothe ye, buy ye movie roles to showcase thy meager talent, and this is how I am repaid? Are the millions in studio fees I provide for thee insufficient to buy thine own damn furniture? Is the Empire doomed to be brought to its knees by infidel Linux users because it's leader must constantly keep His minions from bickering like children!? Perhaps it is time all of you saw what happens to those who place material possessions above the good of the Empire." He points a menacing finger at Ross and says, "Make an example of him," to the MIB's.

The MIB's tackle Ross, hogtie him, and duct-tape him to the couch. They set the couch on fire and immediately grab the remaining sitcommies and force them to watch Ross as he whines his last whine, each one knowing that should this happen again, they might well be next...

- CrashPoint

- Mr. E

1. The couch-its coveted by all, like the spice melange
2. Rachel is a hottie just like Princess Irulan
3. The friends group shares a bond of loyalty, just like House Attriedies
4. The Sienfeld group are mercenary scoundrels (come on George worked for the Dark Lord of the Sith, I mean baseball) therefore, they equate to House Harkonnan.
5. Joey had godlike abilities, for example, he made Brooke Shields really beleive that he was a doctor while he was acting. Godlike abilities make Joey our Muad'dib. (besides a team with a joey on it CAN'T lose)
6. Kramer, much like Piter de Vries, creates plans within plans, but has them fall all over him.

Although the couch may intitally go to the harko (ahem) seinfeld group, it will eventually end up in the hands of the friends in a short scenario

Joey: There is a Costanza among you, give him a felt tip marker and let him stand forth

Salesman: If George wishes he can meet you with my pen

Joey: The Salesman's pen

After a long drawn out battle, where George fails to use THE RAGE (tm). A fat sweaty man is left on the floor of Ikea with the lone word "loser" written on his head.

Chandler: Joey no longer needs the spell checker

With the friends victorious they can now rule NYC with their retainer The Soup Nazi.

Joey's final remark-"We friends have a saying. God created naked thursdays to train new roommates, or was it God created couches so they didn't have to stand?"

- the non-prophet Joey "i've read Dune too many times" Smith

A Haggunenon!

Obviously, the poor thing was trying to get some rest by camouflaging itself as a couch in a Pier 1. After all, who really does buy furniture from them? Well, unfortunately for the Haggunenon, the Friends and Seinfeld gangs do. The tug-o-war they start with it is the last straw. Before you can say, "Eat your heart out, Galapagos Islands!", it evolves into a Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal and scarfs down both sets of self-absorbed poseurs, pausing only to dunk them in their own coffee. And, thankfully for us (well, me, anyway), it does not make the mistake of reevolving into an escape pod.

After this satisfying meal, the Haggunenon decides to nap at an art museum. After all, what quieter place could there be? Unfortunately, it chooses the 'Sensation' exhibit at the Brooklyn Museum...

- Bookworm

- RITH

So no one told life was gonna be this way
*clap clap clap clap*
Your job's a joke, you're ugly, your love life's D.O.A.
It's like you're always stuck in second gear
When it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year
Well, it's
'Cause you're on Seinfeld
Yeah, the show's really dull
'Cause you're on Seinfeld

Ok, it needs work. Gimme a break. I'm just waiting for my Rice-a- Roni to cook.

- 6 people, four apartments, two jobs? You didn't know they had superpowers?

- tuffy

Did you check behind the couch? - Eds.

- Ziek

Hello, all you Grudgies, ladies and rednecks. I interrupt this "fight" to remind you of a certain ignored one of you. Yes, it is I. You might say I'm a little bit crazy. I'm the reason you all come here, and a damn psycho man, I am Devin "Whoever voted for the boxers can take their mouse, shine it up real nice, turn that SUMBITCH sideways, and stick it straight up their candy-ass" The Mental Hospital Escapee.

Having done my best Gertner, let's recap why Friends win:

1. Brendan supports them. I hold Grudges. And believe me, he's scared. VERY scared.

2. This isn't a fight. None of these people are agressive enough to be VIOLENT! So it comes down to negotiating. Ross, despite being a total wuss, is probably the smartest, and after tricking Castanza and Kramer, takes the couch.

3. Team unity. Seindfeld's friends cost him a match with Tim Allen.

4. Brendan supports Seinfeld.

5. The Friends have no mortal enemies. Seinfeld must deal with NEWMAN!

6. BRENDAN SUPPORTS SEINFELD AND HE RUNS AWAY FROM A FIGHT WITH ME! JUST BECAUSE I AM NOW A BLACK BELT AND ALL, HE IS TOO SCARED TO FACE ME!!! I THINK HE KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT FIGHTING!!!

OK, that about wraps it up. Brendan, accept the nearly-year old challenge.

And did I mention Brendan supports Seinfeld?

- Devin, Silver & Gold Grudgie, Ritalin Room Regular(tm), Master of RAGE(tm) and Hato To Hebi Ryu Kempo Karate, Your Paragon of Virtual Reality and the Y2D Problem, Mental Hospital Escapee

Don't worry Devin, your doom is nearly at hand. As soon as I complete my transformation into a soul devouring demon (i.e. graduate from law school) I'll be coming after you. No one can stand against the powers of a Texan attorney. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! - Brendan

I know of only one piece of furniture that matches that description, and it's Chairry, from Pee-Wee's Playhouse. Somehow I suspect that Chairry has lost her playful demeanor, seeing as how she hasn't worked in a decade or so.

You ever seen the chompers on her? Something tells me that NBC should look for a new fall line up...

- GoWhalers

JERRY: We know what will happen. Just when he's about to go unconscious he'll grab the feather boa, strangle one guy with it, beat up the next with the coffee table, and just as he's about to be declared the winner Stone Cold will come in and take the title. CHANDLER: You totally suck, Jerry.

[canned laughter]

Enter NEWMAN.

JERRY: Hello, Newman.

[canned laughter]

NEWMAN: Who should I help get that seat?

NEWMAN wanders over to the MONICA-ELAINE hair pulling bout (now into it's third round) and shamelessly looks each combatant up and down.

NEWMAN: Well...

KRAMER slides across the room again, knocking over NEWMAN and slamming into RACHEL again. RACHEL squeaks, drawing NEWMAN's attention.

NEWMAN: Never say that a postman can't rescue a damsel in distress!

--

SCENE: Newspaper front page slides across a blue screen. Photo of

NEWMAN. Headline: POSTMAN GOES POSTAL.

The newspaper riffles, as if a strong wind has blown, and ends up at the sport pages. Headline: TEAM SEINFELD DONE IN BY OWN GOAL.

--

SCENE: REPORTER on the street, breathless. This REPORTER is a Zhirrzh, complete with tail, but this is New York and the EXTRAS running past don't notice the difference. One of the EXTRAS has a set of antenna.

REPORTER: The Friends team should lose, but that stupid Newman will betray his own side, ensuring a new addition to the set of Friends.

REPORTER holds his hand to his headset.

REPORTER: What do you mean, I can't call him stupid on air? Libel? You know where you can put your libel...

- O.P.

The match itself... hmm... you do realize that Seinfeld&Co. are hardened ex-cons? Jerry, the ringleader, actually got sent to Oz, the toughest prison this side of Shawshank! Plus, you cannot forget the powerful force of NEWMAN. Even though he hates Jerry, he possesses some degree of friendship with Kramer and absolutely adores Elaine, so he will grudgingly cast his support in the Seinfeld crew's favor. These guys are ruthless(ever see "The Rye"?), they're cunning, they're unbeatable... right?

Wrong.

Friends... they're driven mainly by codes of Gen-X cool. They're that high school super-popular clique that didn't have to dirty their hands fighting because anyone stupid enough to oppose them was beaten up by the football team, the wrestling team... hell, even the chess club would throw a few pawns at the transgressor. They are Ferris Bueller TO THE SIXTH POWER. We just saw what Ferris did to ex-con Joe "Red" Clark. When the Seinfelders approach, scheme in hand, the Friends will be oblivious... Ross&Rachel, Chandler&Monica, Joey&Phoebe will be too busy making out to even care about the bitter baby boomers... their hordes of fans, however, will not. The second George *touches* Rachel's 'do(TM)... GAME OVER.

You don't mess with the Friends Jihad(Could There BE Any Less Of A Jihad?).

- Todd Evil

- Al B Tross

- daBUNKER

Oh, what bitter irony.

- Bubba

I'm sorry...Being stuck in an ATM vestibule with Jill Goodacre is nothing compared to the slammer. George, with those good lookin' hands will be every bubba's hand model, if you smell what Vlad's cookin'...

Rachel breaks up with Ross for very good reasons...Jerry is so callous, he breaks up with girls due to reasons such as having man hands, having a father who doesn't wash his hands before leaving the washroom, dating Newman, being a virgin, yadda yadda yadda...

Surely, people so depraved as the Seinfeld gang can clobber the snot out of: a Connecticut almost-bride, a coffeehouse bard, an out-of-work actor, a paleontologist and so on...

I mean, really! God! I don't know how you guys think, but the Seinfeld Four had the trial of the century, where virtually all of the character witnesses had a grievance with the quartet.

The guys are just plain evil! They could take out twentysomethings without even breaking a sweat...

- Vlad, Yadda Yadda of Wonder

- Wonka

Friends is both in reruns and making new shite, but it remains a whiney, less-than-funny waste of my half an hour.

Jerry's got himself a new couch.

- Adam B.

Friends:
Ross = somewhat normal
Joey = stupid
Chandler = somewhat normal
Rachel = somewhat normal
Monica = somewhat normal
Phoebe = kind of a flake

Seinfeld:
Jerry = nuts
George = wacko
Elaine = wacko
Kramer = KING WACKO

Even thtough they're outnumbered, never ever bet against someone who is a few sandwiches short of a picnic, much less 4 of them.

Seinfelders by a long shot.

- The Rock

- Loss Leader

So this leaves Monica. Ah, lovely Monica, with her buns of steel. But you know what? She's about to stress herself out and into a mental hospital! More than any other character, she epitomizes their complete inability to cope with even the simplest, easiest day-to-day issues that the rest of us learn how to handle by, oh, say, age 3!!

As for the Seinfeldians? One need only remember this single thing, of which Jerry reminds us, when speaking about George: "I have access to one of the most cunning, diabolical minds of our generation."

'Nuff said.

And Mark, you know how it works, don't you? Serenity now, insanity later!!!!

- Thom

- Shaft

Meanwhile, Joey happens to glance up from kicking George's ribs and notices the couple. "Oh, hey hey Chandler, look!" he says, hitting Chandler on the shoulder to get his attention. "What what what!" Chandler shoots back irritatedly with Elaine pulling on his hair. "Isn't that the guy from the AT&T commercials?" Joey says excitedly.

Chandler squints. "Oh hey, you're right! And who's that lady he's with? Kinda looks like Leelee Sobieski..."

Forgetting all about the fight, Joey jumps up and starts talking to Paul Buchman, trying to get a spot in a commercial. Needless to say, Paul replies with a lot of waving-of-the-hands, and Jamie gives a confused-looking Pheobe a polite smile when she happens to look their way. Also needless to say, things all wrap up in about 26 minutes, not including commercial breaks, and it all ends with some ironic twist.

well, I'm glad that's over, the couch intones to itself with a sigh. Oh wait, who's that fat, yellow, bald-headed guy coming in now? ...crappity crap crap!...

- MonkeyDog (And I'd like to know what the Seinfelder's are doing out of jail...)

- Poe "the disgruntled couch manuafacturer"

- The Masked Bastich

- Sorry. I had to say it.

The Friends gang is actively neurotic... but one of them is obsessive-compulsive.

And that's what's going to win this match. I refer you to Rule #243 in the Grudge Handbook^TM, specifically in the section devoted to the Rage^TM: "Obsessive-compulsives are running over with suppressed Rage^TM, which will probably burst free during the fight."

I refer, of course, to the simmering cauldron of twisted hate known to mere men as Monica Geller. She makes Hannibal Lecter look like Estelle Getty. Not only is she the current grand high champion of neat-freaks, but she was the fat kid in high school. She met the man of her dreams and was almost disowned for it. She managed to snag an incredible sugar daddy and then watched as his sanity slowly unraveled. She responds to even minor stress, such as wedding preparations, by embracing fascism. She's a cook. She knows how to use knives.

I shouldn't have to spell this out for you. Monica Geller is hanging on to sanity by her fingernails, and is just waiting for the right stress to cause her to explode into a bloody whirling engine of destruction.

These two gangs of roving New Yorkers will have coffee with them, because all lame-ass Must-See TV characters are heavily caffeinated. They are pushing and shoving. That coffee will spill. On the new couch.

Monica looks up from the couch, to find Elaine, the only Seinfeld character who can defend herself, tearing big chunks out of Chandler, probably with her teeth. (Elaine looks to me like the kind of woman who, in a fight situation, regresses to a primitive state. She also looks like a Yorkshire terrier. Figure it out.)

Suddenly, Elaine is smashed off of Chandler by the couch itself, which breaks in half. Monica, a box spring serving as a makeshift shiv, leaps upon Elaine, her blade flashing, and Elaine is reduced to two sides of beef and twenty pounds of sausages in seconds.

Monica stands up from the delectable, well-presented corpse of her victim, blood dripping from her hands and teeth, and probably having a flashback to when that Skeet Ulrich guy killed her cameraman. The Rage^TM has her now, and she is its loving mistress.

Jerry Seinfeld, in abject terror, summons Superman with his signal-watch, and it's a good thing he did, for Superman is the only thing that can stop the enraged Monica. By the time the Man of Steel arrives, George is cold-cuts, Kramer is rump-roast, Ross is being smoked for flavor over the burning furniture store, and Joey is boiling slowly to make soup. Seinfeld himself is cornered by the blood-streaked Monica, screaming vainly for mercy as Monica slowly debones him, starting at the pelvis.

Superman quickly disposes of Monica with a blast of super-breath, but not in time to save Seinfeld. The surviving Friends are left as the winners, being the only team with players still on the field, and emerge, wide-eyed and blinking, into the New York night.

- Thomas Wilde -- professional "Seinfeld" debunker

* * *

"So, my friends and I are at this furniture store the other day, trying to buy a couch and this other group comes along and also tries to buy it. Now, to me, haggling over furniture seems kind of petty. I mean, if this couch is going to become a part of my apartment or some strangers apartment, I really feel as if the couch should get a say in the matter."
"Couch, you'll like it at my place. No kids jumping on you, no smokers burning you accidentally..."
"Yeah, but at my place, you won't even be sat on! I see you more as of an art-deco piece"
"Listen couch, don't believe this guy. You'll really like the other guys at my apartment; the loveseat is looking for a companion, and the ottoman is a really nice guy"

"And what's the deal with ottomans, anyway? Was the Ottoman empire an entire civilization devoted to putting up your feet?..."

* * *

As the comic begins to steer his monologue in another direction, a young singer/guitar player begins her set in a coffee shop across town. Not surprisingly, her lyrics also seem inspired by recent events in her life...

* * *

"Yesterday, oh yesterday, we tried to buy a couch.
One that helps your posture, so you never slouch.
But four strange people got that couch instead.
I wish, oh how I wish, they return it for a bed.

One guy seemed quite normal, he kept making cracks
One guy was tall and clumsy; he wore vintage slacks
A girl was there as well, fighting for that sofa
The last guy was short and bald, and really quite an oaf-a...

* * *

And, as the tale goes, each of the performers soon forgot about the couch and moved on to other wacky adventures. The End.

- 1/2 Nelson

THE SOUP NAZI!!!

Yes...the Soup Nazi. With his thief friends, they will steal the couch. This time the Soup Nazi will not give it to Kramer, and the consequences happen thus...it gets a place in the kitchen, then it gets dirty with soup stains...then used as rags...both couchless and uphoulstry mangled.

- Zeek 'NO SOUP FOR YOU' Silverfire

...but I'll break my tradition now to inform you why Jerry Seinfeld's bunch is going to ultimately take home the couch.

The gang on Friends are nice to each other. Ross is a big, whiny baby, incapable of harboring a mean thought toward anyone. Phoebe is too flaky to be malicious. Joey would just act mean, and even then it's not a very good imitation. Chandler comes close, but he's still a big walking doormat.

The crux of the matter is that real New Yorkers(tm) are mean. I visited NYC recently, and I know this firsthand. While walking down the street in Greenwich Village, the woman walking in front of me got the heel of her shoe caught in the sidewalk.

Now, were this Colorado (where I live), concerned passers-by would have stopped to help her out. However, since this was New York(tm), these passers-by did the only thing they could - they laughed at her.

In short, the Friends gang are nice people, far too nice to be real New Yorkers(tm). Whereas the entire cast of Seinfeld is chock-full of the Rage(tm). Jerry's mad for a million minor reasons, Kramer is angry for a reason no one can really comprehend, Elaine is upset because all the guys she meets are jerks, and George is pissed off because he's short, fat, bald, and still lives with his parents.

Oh, and his family celebrates Festivus. That's enough to get anyone angry.

The cast of Seinfeld wins the couch in approximately three minutes.

- Mary :)
AKA The Chick With The Calculator-Watch, Apprentice Jedi

- Charge Man

- "Mad Dog" Mike (vainly trying to find a "Both Mangled" button to click)

How can you claim that the Friends are stupid? They were clever and resourceful enough to fashion a very long poking device out of chopsticks to check on Ugly Naked Guy. I might add that it was Joey that came up with this idea, and if he's the dumbest, imagine what the rest of the Friends could do. What does Seinfeld have? Kramer? His best idea was a rubber bladder for the inside of oil tankers, and it was a flop. George? He's only smart when he's not thinking about sex, and I doubt he'll have anything else on his mind after he sees Phoebe, Monica, and Rachel. Elaine? This is a woman who singlehandedly ran the J. Peterman corporation into the ground, you've heard the drivel that's in that catalog it clearly isn't written by intelligent people. The fact that Elaine was unable to do this suggests her idiocy. Jerry? It's true that he's always there with the witty remarks, but look at what he has to work with. George and Kramer are walking punchlines, anyone could make fun of them. Besides, he regularly got outsmarted by Newman, anyone that has that happen to them must be an idiot.

Finally, there's physical prowess. I grant you that Rachel, Ross, and Chandler are total wusses. But I think you sell Phoebe short. I turn your attention to Romy and Michele's High School Reunion, in this movie she was run over by a limo, A LIMO!! She then got up and walked away without a scratch! That proves that she's tough. Monica and Joey by themselves could probably take out the Seinfeld cast. Speaking of which, George is afraid of Elaine (remember the Panama hat incident?), imagine what he'll do when he sees Phoebe towering over him. Once she decides that it's time for her "to kick some ass" (a la The one after the Superbowl), she'll twist George's ear and make him beg for mercy. As was mentioned before, the Friends are resourceful. They'll take their weak link (Rachel) and have her hit on Jerry, and c'mon who's going to fight over a couch when you've got Jennifer Aniston hitting on you? So that takes care of him. As for Kramer, he may be Batman, but Batman has trouble with big dumb guys (i.e. Bane), so into the picture steps Joey, and suddenly it's Elaine versus the five friends (sans Rachel who is still keeping Jerry busy). She can shove and say "Get out!" all that she wants, but keep in mind that it was her pansy co-stars that she was knocking over, not five younger and stronger friends who will attack as one (as the song goes, "I'll be there for you 'cause you're there for me too").

- King of No Media, and organizer of the Friends jihad (there is no jihad)

- Eihort

It has been many years since the Soup Nazi(tm) re-opened his joint, and Elaine, now a meek and obedient customer, has been long since forgiven. She, Jerry and George know exactly how to behave when ordering from the Soup Nazi, and Kramer can be guided with the occasional hard poke to the ribs. The Friends gang, more used to yuppie coffeeshops than fascist soup joints, are in over their heads.

Soon enough, the Seinfeld posse are triumphantly sipping their exquisitely flavored cups of soup, while the Friends smolder, collectively banned for 10 years for their smart-ass remarks and special requests. Finally, something snaps and the Friends charge, meaning to get some of that soup my any means necessary. Just when a new brawl seems inevitable, who should show up but Gotham's Finest(tm). These guys are bored stiff from going after jaywalkers and litterers, and are all too happy to cart the Friends off to the jail cells they richly deserve.

Seinfeld walks out with the couch (after all, they all hang out at his place). The rest is history, yada yada yada.

- Jeff

1. GEORGE- although unlucky with anything female, he has one of the most devious, evil minds on TV. He manages to move from job to job without actually ever working, fakes being handicapped to et his own office and bathroom, and can find a way out of almost everything except giving his ATM password. Ross is probably the smartest of all the Friends, but he will prove no match for evil George.

2. ELAINE- she is not afraid of anything, except maybe breaking up with Puddy. She took on George's father and even a Soup Nazi and won, so she has proven she can go toe to toe with the best. None of the Friends gang has the fierceness that an angry Elaine can create.

3. KRAMER- what can I say about Kramer. He is both smart and dumb at the same time, which, going up against Friends, can actually help. He has invented things(the Bro, or Manzierre, as well as perfume that smells like the beach), and has proven that he can go crazy on the drop of a dime. Against Joey or Pheobe, the edge goes to Kramer.

JERRY- well, actually Jerry is kind of a wimp, if you ask me. He whines a lot, is too picky about everything, and caves in to his friends wishes a lot. He almost sounds like..MONICA. so the two will balance each other out.

5 Friends vs. 3 Seinfelds-----edge to Seinfeld.... Enjoy!!!!

- BuckNaked, Seinfeld Worshipper

Plus, how do you think Jerry, George and Kramer will be after doing some hard time? Mad as hell. After fighting off convicts in the shower and bench-pressing some prison yard weight, they'll mop up Manhattan with the three mary-boys on Friends.

- the ring-a-ding kid

- Joseph Arnaud (Not a big fan of televised NYers of any ilk)

- Quentin Trelane

Friends vs. Seinfield over a couch.

Who wins?

The couch.

For behold, mortals, the couragus CAPTAIN COUCH(TM) shall swoop down and whisk the sofa away from it's imminent danger, and bring it to couchland, where it shall either live in peace or join the GREAT FURNATURE ARMY and prepare, with all the rest of the liberated furnature soldiers, to take over our realm.

Tremble, puny humans...

For the age of the couch is upon you!

- Flee before the might of PADRAIG THE IRISH DRAGON!!!

- Why can't they take that bloody show off the air?

- Mr. Potato Head

No matter who buys the couch, they'll be mugged, savagely beaten, and urinated on when they leave the store.

Oh, and the couch will be stolen too. So there.

- Istanbul

- The Black Goat

Furniture has been sit on, lain on, stepped on, jumped on by little brats(TM) and had stuff spilled on it since time began. Millienia of oppression here folks. WERE TALKING THOUSANDS OF YEARS OF DEGRADATION HERE. Furniture, ALL furniture has THE RAGE(TM)!!!!!!!!!!! Yes thats right. You may think thats a not an agruement but your quite wrong, remember anything can be proven to have the rage. I am just the first to realize inaminate objects are no different. The couch will become possessed by RAGE upon seeing it oppressors and roaring with unholy anger will convert into a maneating couch that will devour them all. After this ends it will lead furniturisim, when the civil rights movement for furniture is crushed by trigger happy national guard things will get really bloody. Thats when all inanimate objects will rise up in wrath and destroy the human race. Hell hath no fury like the couch. SUBMIT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OR BE CONSUMED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We are all damned.

- Captain Demento. Humanity is finished and I'd be a damn fool to go down with it.

- Marc Moskowitz

- El Weirdo

Everyone starts shlepping around the couch for the first round. Music stops, everyone grabs a seat but Phoebe, who continues running around the couch touching people's heads. "Duck, duck duck, goose!" she screams. "Oh, I was playing the wrong game."

Phoebe grabs a guitar and does the music for the rest of them. Next one off the couch is Jerry, who was too discusted by the quantity of asses revolving around the couch to attempt sitting on it. Monica gasps, dumps a bucket of Lysol on the couch, and breathes a sigh of relief.

Eight people walking. Chandler gets bumped off next, but balances half a cheek on a corner of Joey's chair. He falls off, but grabs Joey with him as revenge for not giving up a chair from three years ago. "Chair city! Population: not you!" he screams.

Six left. Rachel gets pushed off next, with a strategic "Get out!" shove from Elaine. She runs off shopping to feel better.

Five to go. Kramer gets a burst of recognition when he finally begins listening to Phoebe's music. "Hey, Bob Sacamano had a smelly cat! It had gonorrhea!" Jerry advises that it might be fungus, Kramer says fungi, and by then the round's over and he's still standing.

Four on the hot seat. George throws Ross out of the coffeehouse in a fit of rage, because Ross has a full head of hair and that's what he does with it. Ross mopes to wherever Rachel went shopping.

Three left. Monica and Elaine start a cat fight over the spot not occupied by George, until they decide to just throw him on his considerable ass and sit for themselves. George walks to the bathroom, amazed that he didn't think of saying someone else's name at the wedding to get out of it.

Just Monica and Elaine now. They walk around, pacing the now-chair-sized couch. Phoebe's lyrics become annoyingly shrill and just about the color of her socks. All the men look on in eager anticipation of another cat fight.

"Hey, want to piss everyone off?" Elaine whispers.

"Yeah, why not? None of them capped my markers correctly."

"Grab the couch and run!" They each grab an end and run out the door. Elaine has plenty of "Get Out" experience to build her muscles, and Monica is already freakishly strong, so they go no sweat.

Phoebe runs after them. "Girls' club! I wanna join!"

The guys are left standing there, no couch. George comes back from the bathroom with no shirt. "Hey, let's go to my place. I got a couch I don

- Kilgore Trout

- Charge Man

- The Almighty Scott

Dear Yuppie Scum,

I'm very happy to hear you all got time in the joint, and I really hope that you are all the favorite little kewpie dolls of some career offender. I've got the couch, and I'm going to think of you whiny little pantywaists every time I sit down to watch a Browns game on it, and every time I sit down on the toilet to take a dump.

So Long Suckers,
Drew Carey
CEO, Buzz Beer Enterprises
Cleveland, Ohio

P.S. If it's any consolation for Jerry, I made this purchase with my American Express Card.

Dejected, both groups head off to their respective hangouts, little knowing that the diner, the Central Perk and the Soup Nazi's restaurant have all been bought out and converted into BuzzBar Java Flavored Beer Shops, featuring Haf-Caf Latte Lager and a fine Hazelnut-Kona Longneckachino. "NO BEER FOR YOU!!!"

- Mr. Silverback- Hey, it was either that, or give the couch to Paul & Jamie Buchman, and nobody wants that.

- Phoebe

I owe a great deal to television, but this is where I draw the line, dammit! No matter what television has thrown my way, I consumed it. Willingly. But Friends and Seinfeld proved to be the one serving I couldn't suppress the gag reflex on. Hell, I've watched, and for the most part, been a fan of everything from "Adam Adamant Lives!" to "Zoom". But Seinfeld and Friends cross the line of bad taste and stupidity that Flo and Saturday Night Live didn't dare go past.

The fact that these shows lasted longer than their first episode is a sad indictment of the television viewing public. WE USED TO HAVE STANDARDS, PEOPLE! I guess I missed the warning signs (the earth didn't implode when The Famous Teddy Z first aired), but still... Has the human brain devolved to the point where nothingness is considered funny? I'm beginning to think that I might just have to take over the airwaves (and cable) to remind everyone what quality TV is all about. Funny is Carol Burnett, as Scarlett O'Hara, wearing a curtain rod. Funny is Bugs Bunny doing just about anything. Quality television requires good writing and likeable characters, not whiny losers who pull a muscle when trying to affect a cute pose after a joke goes horribly awry. Seinfeld and Friends AIN'T QUALITY TV IN THIS OR ANY OTHER LIFETIME.

Let's band together and bring some decency back to television. At the very least, let's get the women from these shows to strip down naked and fight, gladiator style, with giant Q-tips. C'mon! Toss the viewing public a frickin' bone, willya?

- HotBranch!
Everything I needed to know, I learned from a RadiationVision™ black and white set...

Unfortunately for Rachel, the three terrors weigh only 2.3 grams.
Combined.

The three waifs slowly float to the ground like feathers, only to regain altitude when Kramer gets the sudden obsession to break the world record for keeping an object in the air with his breath. Alas, the record proved elusive as an errant sneeze carried the TWITS out of Bill's Discount Furniture and into Jersey. Their impact was felt for millimeters from the center of impact. Several gnats were reported slightly injured.

As for the rest of the friends, they met their demise near Yankee Stadium at the business end of a taxi-powered flying toaster.

- Paul G.

Oh, the pain. The pain.

So I held my nose and dove into the murk of my memory. You see, I did watch Seinfeld for parts of two seasons. I learned all about mastery of one's domain, the potent properties of mangoes, the puffy shirt, and Teri Hatcher's breasts. (Well, not all about them ...)

And while I watched, it insinuated into me seeds of snideness and cynicism and obsession with meaningless trifles, the very characteristics that define this show.

Not that there's anything wrong with th--

No! NO! Do you see how it's taken root in my very soul? I used to be a sweet, sincere young man, respectful and kind, the boy next door. And what's become of me now? I've turned mocking, calloused, inured to the crudeness and cruelty of the world. I spend my spare time writing for a website that pits people in death-matches for amusement's sake. What has become of me? Who did this to me?

But you know the answer. Seinfeld did this to me.

Maybe Friends is even worse, but I've never watched, so I've never suffered from it. They have my vote ... and I might even double-dip for th--

No! Not again! I'M POSSEESSED! KILL ME BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!

- Call me Sha--<BANG!> <thud>

THE FINAL WORD...™

Let's put the couch where we all want it when those shows come on.
Through the T.V.

- drewdroid

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Cliff Clavin v. Newman
Rev. Jim Ignatowski v. Cosmo Kramer
Mayhem on the Family Feud Set

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