A house in suburban Southern California. The lights are off, the family is asleep, and Lucky has been brought in for the night.
The bike lands in the driveway. A boy brings a basket to the front door and sets it down. "I'm sorry, buddy, " Elliott says. "But one more day and Mulder & Scully would have closed in and taken you away. They'll take care of you here. They can help your kind." With that, Elliott rings the doorbell and rides away.
A tired and confused Mr. Tanner comes to the door. "What is this? ... Honey! It's another alien!"
A few weeks pass by, and, needless to say, Alf is not happy with the new member of the family. Not only is E.T. being showered with attention, leaving Alf largely ignored, but E.T. and Lucky have become close friends and Alf can't get near him. Meanwhile, E.T. has figured out that he can modify Alf's spaceship to get himself home. Late one night, E.T. sneaks into the spaceship to steal it and get home, but is shocked to find Alf waiting inside.
"Where you going, finger boy?"
"Go...home"
"You've already ruined my life here. You're not about to strand me."
E.T. does not respond. Let's just say Alf is the only thing between him and a trip home. And he really wants to get home.
So, Steve, who do you like in this extra-terrestrial fist-a-cuffs?
First, let's look at experience. As of 1996, Alf is 239 years old. At that age, he's seen it all. He's been around the block and knows how to handle himself. And yet with all this experience he's gained over these years, he's still youthful, vigorous, and spirited -- ready to take on any opposition ET might care to dole out. Alas, naive ET generally has no clue about anything on Earth -- he can't even speak in complete sentences or land on the planet for 5 minutes without the military catching up to him, much less defeat Alf.
Alf also has the powerful Muppet Mystique (tm) factor working for him. Although not a true Muppet, any of these puppeteered creatures are tough and virtually indestructible. Alf combines Miss Piggy toughness, Kermit charm, and Fozzie humor all in one package. Unbeatable! All ET has is an extendible neck and a glowing finger. Unfortunately, they won't be doing him any good. After Elliot abandons him, ET will turn a sickly pale white and disappear. He'll turn up several days later in a storm drain, after which reporters from the National Enquirer will have writing material for a few more weeks.
BRIAN: I can see you've spent a little too much time in dark caves searching for your ancient Mentos (tm) artifacts. The excessive exposure to guano fumes has apparently impaired your judgement even further (which I didn't think possible). First off, you site Alf's tremendous age as an advantage? You're starting to sound like Bob Dole. At 239 years old, Alf's knees (if he has knees) and other joints are wearing out. He just won't have the moves like he used to. Most people don't know this, but the reason Alf was cancelled was not due to low ratings, but due to Alf's dilapidation into senility and incontinence. Alf will be more concerned about adjusting his Depends (tm) or yelling at the Best Boy then fighting with E.T.
Second, Muppet Mystique? You got Alf's talents wrong, there, Steve. Alf actually combines Miss Piggy CHARM with Kermit TOUGHNESS. I'll give you the humor of Fozzie, but I wouldn't really take that as a complement. E.T., on the other hand, is not a muppet, but a person in a suit. Thus, E.T. can feed off of such great powers as the San Diego Chicken, the Philly Phanatic, and King Kong. Talk about charm, humor and toughness. Alf doesn't stand a chance. E.T.'s zipping home before Alf can even get his spectacles on.
STEVE: Are you sure about that "person in a suit" bit? I thought he was animatronic, in which case he could only feed off of the Chuck E. Cheese pizza band. If this is the case, I think you'll have to agree that ET's loss is inevitable.
Anyhow, since you failed to present any new & original ideas of your own in your entire argument (instead simply mindlessly bashing mine as you always do), I will present some more food for thought. First, ET has that glowing heart when he gets excited. This is just too obvious of a target for Alf's attack. He just has to reach into ET's chest and do a Temple of Doom move, and render ET instantly dead. Second, ET has that all-too vulnerable neck. Really, could you ask for a better neck to strangle? And those huge cutesy eyes are also an easy target. ET has stumpy legs, so he will be unable to run away. Kind of makes you wonder how something like ET ever successfully evolved. Alf will destroy ET, no doubt.
BRIAN: Am I sure about that "person in a suit" bit? Am I sure about that "person in a suit" bit? As our viewers know, I never come to the table without my facts in order, and, yes, E.T. was a person in a suit. She became a bit of a celebrity afterwards if I recall. (True, there were some scenes in the movie where they used an animatronic E.T., but that could be thought of as a "stunt double".) Regardless, the Chuck E. Cheese Mystique (tm) is nothing to sneeze at.
Oh, and you want an original and new idea of my own? I didn't want to have to point out the obvious, but here goes: E.T.'s got the Magic. If he has the power to heal, he has the power to destroy. If he can make a bike fly, he can make Alf fly. And what does Alf have going for him? Fur. That's it. Well, he could probably win a Barry Manilow look-a-like contest, but other than that, he's got nothing. And you try to play him up like some super-powerful high priest. In the words of the great contemporary poet, LL Cool J, "No, I don't think so."
When the two come face-to-face, Alf charges E.T. with that hippety-hoppety
Muppet motion. Unaffected, E.T. raises his finger and says,
"Flooooaaaat." Up goes Alf, levitating off the ground (which reveals
that despite the fact his fur stops at his waist line, he's not wearing
any clothes.
For Alf links, visit Sitcoms Online.
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- George Campbell
E.T. responds "Pity...fool...who...touch...ship...Pity...the...fool!"
Alf, who can't even take a pampered house cat in a fight, gamely puts up
his dukes, too late to protect his big nose. Using the boxing and street
fighting skills his father has instilled in him, ET starts to turn Alf
from an Alien Life Form into an Alien Throw Rug.
- Craig Denison
Naturally, with all of this activity, ALF is going to get hungry. With his
eyes still on ET, he starts groping around for any pieces of food that he
might have left stashed in the cramped quarters. Suddenly, his right hand
seizes upon a three-year old bag of Skittles, and he realizes that today
is his lucky day...
ALF, an ace bouilliabaseball pitcher back on Melmac, launches the Skittles
right at ET's head. As soon as it hits, the bag breaks open and throws the
Skittles out in a wide arc. "Reeesess Piecesss" croaks ET, mistaking the
two topologically equivalent snack foods in the subdued lighting of ALF's
spacecraft. As soon as ET drops to his knees in search of the candy, ALF
jumps him and puts ET in his patented "Shumway Sleeper". ET, realizing the
ruze, cries out in terror, then snaps his fingers...
...and ALF finds himself at the mercy of one of ET's original "fly girls",
Drew Barrymore. Yes, it was ET, small, glowing heart ET, barely able to
master the high five, who was responsible for corrupting her, and she
still comes around whenever she needs his "healing touch". While Drew pins
ALF to the bulkhead, ET briefly debates between getting reacquainted with
Barrymore and showing ALF "The Other Finger". But time is a wastin'. He
has ALF bound and gagged in the corner before he dismisses Barrymore with
a cursory snap of his fingers, then sets to work bringing aboard HIS most
prized possessions: a year's supply of Reese's Pieces and 1200 copies of
'ET Phone Home' cartridges for the Atari 800. ET speeds away from the
Earth to rendezvous with the mother ship, parked just outside of the solar
system.
Folks, I'm afraid this round goes to "The RUMBLAH from AMBLAH-IN", ET.
Epilogue: Having rejoined his compatriots, ET hurries to the storage
locker he stuffed ALF into for the duration of the trip. After all, they
haven't gotten to try any of their 'special equipment' on any alien
abductee other than cows, the occasional FBI agent, and Richard Dreyfuss.
But ALF is gone! Having been bound with coathanger wire leftover from the
supplies ET used to fix the ship, the irrepressible ALF (a real wire
maven, just like dear old Dad back on Melmac) was able to escape by
humming the exact frequency at which the molecules in the wire were
vibrating, shattering his bonds. In his place is a note, scrawled in his
Muppetlike handwriting: "TIM 4 ROUND 2, HART BOY..."
- Dave C.
- Noel Schornhorst, Savannah College of Art and Design, Savannah, GA
- Bruin Girl
But, assuming violence does erupt, Alf's still out on top. In a
confrontation between animatronics and muppets, the deciding factor has
to be the actual people involved; ie the Tanners. And believe you me,
they'll side with Alf, no matter how much sentimental alien innocence
E.T.'s been dribbling recently. When they wake up to the sounds of a
knock-out drag-out anachronismn-named alien free-for-all, they'll turn
on the leathery-skinned freak that's turned out not to be so harmless
after all. And that's when Mr. Willie Tanner starts making calls. Ever
wonder what he was doing at the office all day? Why, he was the guy
running the operation on "Misfits of Science", of course. In a few
minutes, a blue van pulls up, and the freaks pour out. B-Man
dramatically puts on his patented shades before running around back at
lightning speed and barbequeing Spielburg's brainchild with enough
voltage to power a Mexican radio station. By this time, Alf is bloodied
from being telekinetically thrown around, but the psychic girl just
makes E.T. heal him with The Finger. And the shrinking guy doesn't get
to use his power, just like a normal episode of "Misfits of Science"!
It's Alf in a walk, even if it's a muppet-style off camera walk.
- Dave Richter
- Eric
Alternatively, Alf has no planet to go back to. He has free accomadation
and all he can eat (Lucky being the notable exception). He has a TV
show, an animated cartoon, a comic and numerous merchandizing spin-offs.
Face it, the Alien Life Form never had it so good. Any efforts he makes
in this fray will be purely for show, and "effort" was never an
over-used part of Gordon Schumway's vocabulary anyway.
- John Hunter
- Erick Beck
Alf not only has the home court advantage, but he also has the
Rage (tm). Think about it: His show hasn't been on the air,
aside from cheap-assed UHF syndication, in over five years. Even at
the zenith of his fame, he was still trapped in a fur suit; how do you
think that sort of thing looks in the middle of Spago's? Can you
imagine what it's like to get thrown at a table by the kitchen every
time while everyone else gets drooled over by hordes of photographers?
E.T.'s been living the life and getting rich as Croesus from video
royalties; so naturally, Alf will be just itching for a swing at him.
(Also, aside from Urkel, sitcoms just love the underdog.)
With these advantages on his side, Alf will reach right into his
spaceship's glove box, pull out a tallboy can of Whup-Ass, and open it
right up on E.T. Alf in one round; after which, he'll serve agents
Mulder and Scully some first-rate cassoulet de chat.
- m0therfux0r
- gktang, University of Calgary
- UnklStoax
- Michael Moon, Troy, NY
This guy watched WAAAAY too much Alf -Eds.
"Flllooooooaaaaatttt" Whoa...now that seems somehow familiar...I think
Alf's in big trouble here. But let's not forget that Alf has the home
court advantage here.
"All Lights off!!!" O.K. You can't float what you can't see...obviously
that dull thud was Alf hitting the floor. Now in the dark, who has the
advantage. We have baldy who only has one developed sense going for him:
those ridiculously huge eyes...But I don't care how big your pupils can
dilate, if there's no light, there's NO light! Two holes in his face
that I guesss serve as a nose, but obviously under grown, And he has no
ears! Now Alf on the other hand is a creature that obviously evolved to
rule the dark. A very big nose he has...the better to smell you with my
dear. and very big ears he has...the better to hear you with my dear.
So what happens next...
E.T.'s neck gets an erection, and he starts running around the ship
screaming that annoying scream...Whoops, it appears E.T. has close lined
himself on one of the sensor arrays! E.T. thinks better of running around
like an alien with his head cut off and just desides to sit and hide.
What has Alf been doing...Prowling around with the grace and stealth of a
huge jungle cat! CLANG "OH DAMN!!!" O.K. the grace and stealth of a
jungle orangutan. CLANG "OH DAMN!!!" Just then, E.T. gets a bright idea
(Pun intended) E.T.'s finger lights up so he can see...but too late, Alf
has already snuck up behind E.T. CRUNCH...GRIND...GRIND...MUNCH...MUNCH
well we knew Alf ate cats, but now we know he will eat other aliens as
well...
- Blader
1. Alf - Teeth, ET - No Teeth
2. Pro Wrestling
3. Testosterone
- John Klapp, Whitworth College, Spokane, WA
(*) Actually, now that I think about it, the movie ET ate Reeces
Pieces. Since these have peanut butter (protein) in them, I'd give
the movie ET 1.5 seconds. He's still a pencil necked geek tho.
- Martin Leuschen, Rice University
"Not bad with a little pizza sauce... Say anybody got an Alka-Seltzer?", Alf
chortled, after he finished eating E.T. the Extra Tasty appetizer. "The only
down side to eating E.T. was the heartburn afterwards..."
- Jim
P.S. I am shocked that ALF was not included in last week's poker round-up.
I'd have to give it to Alf, but don't count E.T. out so easily. The
squat little alien is a far more fearsome warrior than one might
expect. Indeed, E.T. can call upon a variety of techniques in his battle against
ALF, but ALF is a wily fur-bearing hominoid, and can counter each.
Consider... Although ET will put up a strong resistance, ALF must ultimately
triumph. Alf has been on Earth for long enough to film an ungodly number
of TV episodes, a cartoon, AND appear in comics and trademarked
merhcandise. ET only hung around long enough for a movie. Now you tell
me, which one is more skilled at evading the goons from Project Blue Book?
All Alf has to do is get the feds on the horn and alert them to the alien
menace. Like the
A-Team escaping from Col. Decker, the
fuzzy one will slip away and leave ET to a fun-filled future of invasive
experimentation and electroshock therapy.
And for ET? I don't remember seeing any "Space Marine" tatoos on him,
couldn't miss 'em if there were, right?
- Thomas D Landers
- Greenman
And remember why E.T. was trapped on Earth in the first place? He was
gathering *flowers*! What we have here is an interplanetary flower
child, and he stands about as much chance against the lean, mean chowing
machine as those hippies at Kent State did against the National Guard.
But what's really going to happen is, while they're arguing, Pete Wilson
(governor of California) is going to show up with a platoon of immigration
officers and boot them both off the planet for being illegal aliens (get
it?) and that'll be that!
- Tom
ALF--He eats cats! E.T. wouldn't even hurt a bug! Already Alf looks
tougher. Anyway, Alf has had two tv(tm) shows (I think the original one
was better), and a tv(tm) movie.
E.T.--He's had only one movie, which WAS directed by Steven
Speilberg(tm), and a kind of annoying tabloid show shares his name. So
maybe he could get Mary Hart(tm) and John Tesh(tm) to drive Alf insane
with inane chatter...perhaps not.
So I don't think E.T. stands much of a chance against a butt-kicking(tm)
POWERHOUSE(tm) like Alf!...[Afterwards] Alf will be hunted down and
destroyed by a PREDATOR(TM) that finds him to be worthy prey, after he
destroyed the PREDATOR'S(TM) most hated adversary!!!!
- MONKEYDOG!(TM)
Alf, on the other hand, has not only centuries of space-traveling
combat experience behind him, but several seasons of matching wits and
fisticuffs with the all-powerful Willie, undeniably the equivalent of AT
LEAST a dozen consecutive tours-of-duty in Vietnam. So, without a doubt,
ALF wins in one bag of tranquillized "Reece's Pieces."
Now, E.T. vs. Yoda? That's another story...
- Jason Robinson
- Brian Blovett
- Dave Nelson
- Al Nixon
First Timer and loving it.
- Chris
- Neil Kaplan
- Justin
E.T., lacking decent communication skills, mumbles out 'Room for Two', and
Alf, quite content with the other acronym's decision, goes off looking for
the cat. E.T. does in 5 minutes what Gordo couldn't do in years, and
using his MacGuyveresqe (tm) talents, the spaceship is fixed and hooked up
with some pirated cable. Alf returns moments later, coughing up
hairballs, and the two embark on the long journey for the respective
homelands. The only real possible fight situation would occur en route,
when E.T. finally learns enough English to figure out that all Alf is
saying is crap and tells him to shut up or put up. If it did turn to
fisticuffs, Alf, who is more like Gonzo than any other muppet, would find
himself incredibly outmatched. Sure E.T. only has a couple of fingers, but
if you've ever seen Roadhouse and Patrick Swayze's 'tigerclaw' (tm) you'll
know that fingers are lethal. Alf will only be able to save himself by
bribing E.T. with Reeces Pieces (tm) in return for his life, and the two
will continue on their journey. But they never will get home. You see,
quite recently many alien races have decided that Earth is the perfect
planet to conquer, and with the Death Star becoming part of the asteroid
belt, and the city destroying baddies from Independece Day already a
distant memory, the Borg think, communally, that its their turn.
Unfortunately for the furry and the not so furry rodents on route home,
they're destined to get assimilated, and no doubt kill many a red shirted
ensign in their days.
- The Edge
- John Bliss
- jdub
- The Listmeister
- Ian
You might think E.T. only uses his magical powers when he or his friends
are truly in danger (sort of a Alien Muppet Prime Directive (tm)?) But
what good did those powers do him when he was beaten (?) and left for
dead in that culvert? If his powers were so great, couldn't he have just
flown home over the heads of the humans or beasts which tore at his alien
flesh?
Some might say E.T. would win because he has the power of life -- the
power to regenerate plants, himself, and a sagging movie industry. But
remember, without Eliot there to save him, E.T. would still be clawing
away at the inside of his body bag, glowing like a LightBrite (tm). Alf
tears into E.T.'s spaghetti neck with his horrific fangs, creating a
gusher of green alien blood, and E.T. is cremated into alien potash before
he can say, "Ouch?"
- David Hyatt
As an interesting side note, the FAA is overjoyed by the results of this
battle as their radar screens become markedly clearer as small boys on
flying bicycles all drop simultaneously.
- Brian Kutner
Here's how I see it:
E.T. waddles over to Alf's spaceship, carrying a bag of Reeses
Pieces, and a six pack of Jolt Cola. (At this point, E.T. needs the Jolt
cola just to keep him alive.) He opens up the door to the spaceship and
sees Alf. E.T. cannot react too fast here, his senile mind is still
trying to gather what is going on. Alf, who kind of looks like Fabio with
that hair, muppet-hops over to E.T. and takes a swing at him. He misses,
of course, because much like Fabio, he is a wimp. His fist slams into the
spacecraft and destroys a warp-core coupling.
E.T. takes advantage of his opponent's miss to strike back. He
raises a glowing finger and says, "Floooaa..(GRMPH..HACK.COUGH..WHEEZE)"
and immediately goes into convulsions for overexerting himself. Alf sits
there and watches E.T. die from a heart attack. Alf wins the fight, but
without Geordi La Forge there to patch the warp-core reactor through the
auxiliary systems, blah blah blah (insert Star Trek lingo here) and save
the ship in 39 seconds, he is stranded here on Earth with the Tanners.
- Some Dork
- Muneer Ahmad, University of Kansas
- Tom Eastland
Against this, we have E.T. (real name unknown). Sure he's intelligent
but in a venerable, rather senile way. Let's face it, Alf may have
crashed his craft - anyone could have done that - but E.T. "just forgot"
to get back to his before it "conveniently" flew off without him.
Alf makes the first move. Fortunately for E.T., Alf's plans become, shall
we say, demomilized round about now. Attempting to strike the first blow
with a swift punch to E.T.'s solar plexus, Alf neglects to wait for the
camera to cut away, and he remains rooted to the floor. E.T., on the
other hand, is not limited by being joined at the elbows to a human being,
and he takes this opportunity to scuttle for cover.
Scuttle E.T. must do, because Alf recovers quickly from his potentially
fatal disregard for the show's budget. For Alf, always ready with a well
timed quip, also happens to be handy with a furball. He strikes E.T. with
a direct blow to the back of the head, which sends E.T. a-shivering.
Alf, nose engorged for the kill, is restrained by a single, glowing
finger.
While E.T. convalesces from the near terminal fever, he develops an
emotional and thought-provoking bond with Alf. Alf, grateful for company
that doesn't pause for the laugh-track during a conversation, agrees to
lend E.T. the spaceship in return for E.T.'s repair of said spaceship.
Despite Alf's offer, E.T. suggests he drive home. Yes, E.T. has won this
encounter. He gets to fulfill his long-awaited desire go home. And he's
made a friend, too.
- Alex
A few days after he dropped off ET, Elliot gets picked up outside of
Phoenix by a prostitution sting. After his bike is impounded, it's traced
back to the UFO that was detected by the USAF the previous week. Moulder
and Scully lean on poor Elliot hard, and he squeals like a piggie.
Unfortunately for our stalwart FBI heroes, Elliot was following normal
goose migratory patterns instead of major highways, so it takes Moulder
and Scully a while to locate the house. When it's finally pinpointed, a
security leak informs the INS of the situation, who promptly mobilize to
surround the parked spacecraft.
Which takes us to the face-off. As Alf reaches for his PPG and ET prepares
to flip him the fiery bird of doom, the INS demands their surrender. The
two aliens lock eyes. In an instant, an understanding is made, and the two
trained superkillers burst out of the shuttle. The INS agents are burned,
torn limb from limb, and disinegrated. Unfortunately for the local
residents, ET and Alf enter the Alien Bloodlust(tm) and proceed to level
the neighborhood.
Once they have destroyed everything within two miles of the spacecraft,
Alf offers ET a lift home. ET accepts; they take off, and ET gives Alf
directions the best he can ("Turn left...at...light" "Who taught you to
talk, John Carrodine?). But it was all a ruse: one night, Alf switches
ET's Reese's Pieces for Valium. After the overdose, ET's body is dumped
into the nearest singularity.
- Dave 0sgood
What does E.T. - a highly advanced creature that causes inanimate
objects to float, heals others at will, resurrects himself and flies
through the universe on a huge spaceship - crave above all else?
REESE'S PIECES! Though tasty, I am sure that this advanced alien
realizes that the candy has about as much nutritional value as the
plastic bag it comes in. Obviously, he doesn't use it for food. He
must be storing them for a situation just like this.
As ALF makes his move toward his foe, E.T. spits Reese's Pieces
machine gun style at his feet like watermelon pits in a Tom & Jerry
cartoon. He then releases through his ears a noxious gas made from
the artificial chemical coloring dyes that make up the candy shell.
With ALF completely stunned, E.T. takes the opportunity to grab a
handful of fur and "hair-mare" (tm, Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling) the
furball right out the door.
Of course, no bad deed goes unpunished. As E.T. reaches the edge of
our solar system, he spies some Klingons on Uranus and suddenly has
the urge to go to the bathroom. Unfortunately for E.T., he does not
realize that ALF removed and sold all the gold and platinum plumbing
years ago. As he flushes the toilet, the ship explodes with the
force of a 200 Megaton cherry bomb, sending him hurtling through
space until he lands, unhurt, on ALF's home of Melmac.
E.T. spends the next ten years as a one man freak show until ALF
accidentally lands his stolen space shuttle on his head and puts him
out of his misery. *SQUISH* HAA!
- Paul Golba
- Tom Luttkus
Certainly, it is fair to note that Leeza Gibbons will put up a game fight,
but after cutting himself open with Leonard Maltin's skull fragments to
increase his adrenaline rush, Alf will ram his hand up through Gibbons'
throat and crush her brain stem, leaving her a drooling (but still fairly
winsome) vegetable. Amazingly, she will continue to be able do her weekly
top 25 adult contemporary radio show.
All in all, just another day's work for everyone's favourite alien.
- Thinkmaster General
- Shaft
ET Advantages:
1. You know that in pro wrestling, there is a distinct advantage to haveing
a powerful, savvy manager, who in effect created you and your wrestling
style. Who created Alf? Paul Fusco (the actor who did his voice) and
Tom Patchett (Yes, I had to look this up). WHO???? Do these guys seem
to have any "managerial" skills that could make Alf a mega-champion? True,
they are actors, just like most real pro wrestling managers think they are,
but they don't have the talent that ET's creator has.
Who created ET? Why, Stephen Spielberg, who produced 5 of the top 15 of
the highest grossing movies of all time. This guy knows how to deliver a
winner. As the creator/manager of ET, he's gonna deliver a winner. He's
is the clear winner here.
2. ET has a magic connection to Elliott. What's Elliott doing now?
Slasher horror pictures! Through Elliott, he'll mangle Alf into a furry
mass of blood and alien guts. Another clear advantage here.
ET will win in 3 rounds. There will be t-shirts and action figures
galore to market, and Spielberg & ET will deliver a fiery post-match
interview that will set ratings records.
- lynnmh
Alf is a trained Melmacian Space Defense Guard (or something close).
He's been taught to kill for peace. Also, he hasn't eaten a good cat in
years, desperation driven by hunger is on his side.
ET, on the other hand, is a bona-fide pacifist. Even when the military
is ready to cut his little glowing organs out of his sickly little body,
he chooses to escape, rather than give these X-Files rejects a good
thumping. Furthermore, he's been gorging himself on Reese's Pieces.
He's fat and satisfied, and no match for the primal force that is Alf.
Now, the kicker: ET has the power of Speilbergian Special Effect
Budgets on his side, while Alf is lucky if the producers give him a
cardboard box so he can pretend its a spaceship.
My opinion: Alf will start in with a flurry of insults, and ET will
back off in his bewildered way. ET regains his footing, and tries that
finger thing, floating Alf around the interior of the spaceship,
occasionally banging into loose ship parts.
Next, the effects budget kicks in, bathing Alf in a happy blue light,
making him realize the cosmic good that is ET, as he drops to the floor.
Finally, (as it is Alf's ship) Alf pulls the secret lever that ejects
the pilot's seat out of the ship, with a roaring laughtrack to back him
up. (When comedy faces drama, I say comedy must win).
Verdict: Alf in 3 minutes
- Christopher Hull
- George
HERE KITTY KITTY KITTY
Then, while a hungry ALF goes on a kitty hunt, E.T. swipes his
home-grown gadgets, packs his Reese's Pieces, and flies home.
So simple, even a stupid furball could ALMOST figure it out (and I don't
mean ALF's dinner, either).
- Eddie
- Aaron
Reason Numero Uno:
Their respective diets. ALF ate cats, which nutritionally speaking,
are far superior to E.T.'s choice of beer and Reese's Pieces. One has
to be in training constantly, ya know.
Reason Numero Dos:
Their respective appearances. ALF is furry and could very well be a
small cousin of the famous Wookie, Chewbacca, whereas E.T. looks a
skinned cat and you should then refer to reason numero uno.
Reason Numero Tres:
Popularity. Though E.T. has had a string of comebacks in the video
market, he can't come close to ALF, who through the miracle of
syndication, has never really left. ALF is a deity in some countries
now, ya know.
Reason Numero Quatro:
Speech. ALF quickly learned the gift of gab, and was very fluent at
the end of the original series, and E.T. barely had a working grasp of
the language. If push comes to shove, ALF could just yell at E.T. and
scare the bejesus out of him.
- Matt Holl
- Jason S.
More to the point, he eats trees. He's a vegetarian. Now,
having lived on a cattle farm (no jokes please, it was a cattle farm, not a
sheep farm), I can tell you one think. Herbivores are abysmally stupid. Watch
a cow sometimes. Chew chew chew stare stare stare chew chew plop chew stare
moo. The lights may be on, but nobodys home. It doesn't take much brains to
sneak up on a cabbage.
Now Alf's food of choice is cat. Raw cat. Preferably still breathing. In my
years on the farm, after discovering how patheticly it is to sneak up on a cow
and kill it (cooking it properly is the hard part), I took to hunting smaller
game. Namely, felines. The first thing I learned is that cats are a lot
smarter than any human. They are small, and they are predators. So they can
run from big mean animals, and they can fight. Needless to say, after a long
day of hunting down a tabby, I often had to resort to senaking up on a cow,
braining it with a shovel, and digging a large barbecue pit in which to cook
it. Cats are not easy to catch. Seeing that Alf is evolved to hunt cats,
he is obviously one fast, wily motherf***er. ET may be able to heal cut
fingers, and levitate large objects, but there is one problem. If you observe
ET's powers, you'll see that they take a little while to warm up. Alf will
break ET's scrawny neck before ET's chest implanted lightbulb even starts to
glow. For informational purposes, I have also included
my recipes for cow, and the occasional cat.
- Lonny
- Jonathan Wyse
Let us look at the tale of the tape in a little more detail:
Besides, the sugar high that ET is on from the Reeses Pieces(tm) will
give him the energy burst that he needs to keep from getting arm weary
as he drops combination after combination on the furry loser.
Lastly, it must be noted that while Alf starred in a lowly CBS sitcom,
ET carried a box-office record-setting major motion picture--who do you
think has mo' skills?
- mike hudson
- Cory Davis
- Chad Watson
"Hey Noodle Neck, this is my ship! Back Off!!"
- rcoughle
If you liked this match, check out these other past
matches:
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© 1996, WWWF Grudge Match; © 2000, Dragon Hamster Productions, LLC
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Voter Comments
RESPONSE OF THE WEEK (ROTW) (tm)
Alf's a predatory animal. Every day, he's up early, chasing the cat like
Rocky jogging down the back alleys of Philly. All ET does is hide out in
Drew Barrymore's room, posed as a toy, watching her get dressed. ET's
soft. No regimen at all. Easily distracted. When did ET ever display
anything resembling a simple reflex action? He's on a slab in a giant
Ziploc bag for at least a third of the movie, kids subdue him and
cross-dress him, he puts up no fight at all. Plus Reese's pieces aren't
exactly your mega-carbo weight gain 9000 from GNC. And if I remember
correctly, ET was even seen with Michael Jackson, the other 80's
superstar alien freak. End of story.
ROTW (tm) Silver Medal Winner (tm)
Sorry folks, this is a no brainer. Genetics will win out in this case.
E.T.'s father is another famous space alien, Mister T. No son/daughter/
whatever offspring of Mister is going to be a wimp. T family tradition
will not allow it. Mister has trained his offspring since before birth to
fight, like in Rocky III. If little E was a wimp, he would not have
survived his father's training. E.T. may have big cute eyes, but those
eyes are the Eyes of the Tiger (tm).
ROTW (tm) Bronze Medal Winner (tm)
The two fiesty aliens circle each other, each looking for the perfect
opportunity to strike. Unfortunately, there isn't a lot of room in the
small craft, it having been packed with crates of unsold ALF dolls,
trading cards, and other assorted merchandise that ALF just couldn't bear
to throw out. So the circling is in fact reduced to more of a bobbing and
weaving.
Okay. Here's the deal. ALF was an orbit guardsman on Melmac. E.T. was a
botanist... got that? Now, admittedly, ALF was mostly on latrine duty,
but he's still tougher than E.T. E.T. has the magic, but he would have
already bonded with Elliot and be weakening slowly without him. On the
other hand, ALF has tons of Melmacian devices (they were in the ALF comic
book series, and yes, I am a nerd...) ALF would blast the bejeezus outta
Steven Spielberg's loveable alien with a dose of Merv Gas (makes people
act like Merv Griffin 'till they bore themselves to sleep), and ALF would
use other devices, such as his anti-gravity belt (this means ALF has flown
before and would be immune to E.T.'s "flooooaaat" attack) Anyhoo, all ALF
needs to do to finish E.T. off is a big ol' belch (which wouldn't be too
difficult, since he just finished scarfing down all the Tanner's food).
The Sonic Belch Attack (tm) would send Mr. Reese's Pieces flying through
the Ockmonek's bedroom window. That would be the most exciting thing to
happen in there for years... HA!! Lastly, the Ockmoneks would house E.T.,
keeping him safe, and ALF would get out of trouble with the Tanner's by
saying something witty and cutting to commercial.
Oh ,you guys must be joking? Do you meen to tell me you have forgotten
the Fuzzy Wuzzy Factor[tm]? Alf is Fuzzy Wuzzy Snuggle Poo[tm] making him
worthless in combat. Take the movie "Gremlins" for example. The cute
Gremlin justs sits around like a fat hampster. The Super Deformed Ugly
Villin[tm] Gremlins destroy a whole city,50 stores and 400 people over 50.
Jist look at any movie ever made, evil looking guys always win. E.T go
home in 3.1 second!
The answer seems so obvious in this match; it crys out like a beacon:
Alf! Alf! Alf! First of all, I doubt it would ever come down to
fisticuffs. Anyone who saw last year's made-for-TV movie Project: ALF
knows that he is a master manipulator; he ended up running a gambling
ring inside his extraterestrial military lockdown. He made a much
better Sgt. Bilko than Steve Martin, even better than, dare I say it,
Phil Silvers. Once the mono-syllabic E.T. steps within oration range of
this furry P.T. Barnum, he'll find his oversized head spinning in
bewilderment. He'd be eating Reeces Pieces out of Alf's palm in no
time.
If it were up to me, both of these annoying freaks would end up as the
38th ingrediant in an Oscar Meyer hot dog.
Much as it pains me, prune-boy wins, for one reason: HomeSickness (tm).
He's got a planet to go back to and is being actively hunted, having
little to look forward to except as a guest star on the Disect a Frog
home page, or a short career as a Roswell model.
Remember that the Tanners are all away at work at school all day, leaving
ALF all alone his new play toy (and his dinner, if he can ever catch that
darn cat--ha, I kill me.) When they get home they will find ET either
hanging by the ceiling from a snare trap or sadly the victim of a stove
explosion.
E.T. may have his Magic Finger Power (tm), but that power can only run
in the presence of enough saccharine to throw an entire legion of lab
rats right into the nearest cancer ward and enough cheese to put the
entire state of Wisconson to shame. In other words, a Steven
Spielberg movie. Television, as any Republican will tell you, is a
seething, cynical, amoral pit 'o hell; E.T. will be powerless in such
an environment.
There is only one reason why Alf will win: his incredible stamina. C'mon,
after 236 years of having someone's hand up your ass, you could take
ANYTHING. Whereas, E.T. is only 14 years old and has his whole life run
by machines and midgets.
endoplasmic reticulum
ET over ALF any day, with substance abuse clearly being the deciding
factor. ALF, what, smokes cigars or something? Which will no doubt cripple
his cardio-vascular performance in a serious fight. ET, in addition to
having a simpler and less contrived acronym-as-name, has done it all -
shrooms ('cmon, whaddya think they were doing in the forest anyways?),
"M&M"s and, of course, good old fashioned Bud. Admittedly, ALF's mouth
would give him an advantage if they were in some sort of freekin'
presidential debate, but all that's gonna come out are shrieks of pain as
The Magic Finger turns muppet boy inside out, and all the while ET moans
"Groooooooooooooooo - vyyyyyy...."
First of all, let's face the fact that everyone liked ET, he made big bucks
at the box office: You've got to be good to beat out "The Godfather" and "The
Empire Strikes Back." Where's the Alf movie? He isn't even doing reruns on
FX. Hi, I lost out to "Eight Is Enough." Second, ET is obviously in touch
with his inner self (literally), which raises him to the status of Meditating
Guru. Did you see anyone start Roy Jones Junioring ET? No! Thus, I'm willing
to bet he's capable of busting out with some Giraffe Style Kung Fu and
smacking around Alf like the lint caked brown sock that he is. Alf runs, and
ET catches him with the patented Michael Myers / Jason Voorhees /Pepe LePeau
Warp Walk tm and "plays puppet" with Alf via undesired proctolgy examination.
Lastly, anyone who can make their finger glow can certainly utilize the old
"Dim Mak." ET's pounding Sam Adams Oktoberfest on his homeworld, with his new
Alf-skin-rug, in no time.
In case you did not research the movie, ET was sent to collect botanical
specimans and various forms of plant life for analasis. His species has a
highly developed science, as well as phionic abilities. More importantly,
the question of how they evolved reveals their greatest strength. ET and
his kin appear 'cute' to ANYTHING. Only humans and similarly evil
creatures can bring themselves to harm one. ALF simply is not tough
enough to hurt ET (Cats are a part of his natural diet, so the fact that
he eats them does not make him evil.) The way I see it, ET activates a
telapathic link to ALF, and experiances the distruction of ALF's homeworld
(Did you forget about that when you had ALF complain about losing his ride
home?) Remember what happened to ALF with the ants? This will be MUCH
stronger! ET goes home with some seeds from ALF's teraformation and
terrain modification pack (never opened, because it was easier to order
chinese) ALF receives one of ET's seeds from another distant world...It
grows overnight, replacing the portion of the garden that was destroyed
when the ship took off.
Let's see how it progresses:
A fight? Ya gotta be pullin my leg! ET would have no chance whatsoever.
Just review the following list of conditions:
How could ET bite? Alf would grab on to ET's misshapen head with his
Remulakian Incisors and tear the sucker right off. No cat-loving
misanthropic long-fingered, glow-in-the-dark bastard would stand a chance
against the utter nastiness of Alf.
Alf's love of TV allows him to pick up a wealth of fighting knowledge by
constantly watching wrestling. He would put ET in a Full Nelson, weakening
him until he could put the Sleeper Hold on him. When ET became unconscious,
Alf would climb to the top rope (The Mantle) and drop a flying elbow on ET,
severing his pathetic little neck.
ET is inherently a wimp, from a planet of wimps. I never detected any
genitalia, or any mention of genitalia, on the part of finger boy. Alf was
constantly concerned with his privates, showing a healthy male level of
testosterone. Has any real man everlost a fight to an eunich? I think not.
This one comes down to diet. Alf eats cats, E.T. eats M&M's.(*) While
the caffiene in the chocolate might give E.T. a bit of an edge, Alf's
tabby-based diet is high in protein, in addition to requiring exercise and
fighting ability to aquire. If any of you have ever dealt with a violent
cat, you know what I mean. To actually survive on a _diet_ of these
cuddly little monsters you'd need a tough hide, nerves of steel, a killer
instinct and incredible reflexes. To hunt M&M's requires almost no skills
at all, as recent commercials show - the little buggers are small, slow,
defenseless, and gullible. Sure, ET has magic, but he won't last long
enough to use it. Alf in 0.5 seconds.
This fight boils down to appetite. E.T. can eat a bag of of Reeses
Pieces... Alf can eat a stockyard full of animals and still be hungry...
This is no contest. ALF will begin to tell E.T. a nice warm-fuzzy story...
innocent and clueless the alien will quickly be charmed by the lovable
ALF. All the while ALF will be coating him with pizza sauce, cheese, cat
nip, and Colonels secret herbs and spices.
Definiately ALF! He was in the "Orbit Guards", sort of a Coast Guard for
outerspace. So Alf must have some military training, although light, it's
still something.
Everyone knows that ET could not fight himself out of a wet paper bag; and
that is his achilies heel. Alf will get a bag of Reeses Pieces(tm) and
lay a trail that leads into an ACME(tm) Wet Paper Bag(r) and that will be
then end of the fight.
Alright guys, I gotta go with Steve on this one. E.T. *may* have Alf
outclassed in terms of overall power, but who has the killer instinct?
After all, well all know that Alf is an alien doberman, and once his
teeth lock, he's never gonna let go. E.T. can kill him, but he's still
going to have Alf's teeth locked around his throat, and, let's face it,
he's dead meat. The best he can hope to achieve is a draw, but I think
that's pretty unlikely, since, if E.T. had any kind of real power, he
wouldn't have been nailed by those government agents.
Well! This is going to be a good one; the mighty cat-eatin', furry, I-
don't-know-what-else-he-can-do Alf, Vs. the wierd lookin' bug-eyed E.T.
Let's examine the competitors:
I mean, sure, E.T. does have those spiffy powers and the all-powerful
nite-light finger, but there's absolutely no indication that he would EVER
use them for anything but good. Even when those "X-Files" goons were after
him with their dissection kits at the end of the movie, he didn't start
blowing up heads ala "Scanners" (though he may have been able), but
instead turned tail and floated away as fast as he could to his "Mother"
ship. Heck, he even ran screaming when he first met 6-year old Drew
Barrymore (although, now, no one could really blame him...).
True, E.T. can fly, but it takes him some time to use it. Without it,
Eliott's little friend has almost no maneuvering ability whatsoever. Alf
just runs over and snaps that extending neck right off. And don't forget
what ALF stands for: Awesome Little Fighter.
The deciding factor in this match will be corporate sponsorship. We can't
forget that the M&M Candy people paid E.T. $1,000,000 to use their product
in the movie. What has Alf ever done? Been on Hollywood Squares a number
of times. Obviously,the M&M corporation would not let anything hurt ther
million dollar investment. Who's going to protect Alf? John Davidson?
Granted, his hair is a formidable weapon, but we all know it's hopeless to
go against the power of corporations (see Microsoft vs. Disney).
I would have to disagree with the argument that having the power to heal
means E.T. has the power to destroy. The two do not go necessarily go hand
in hand especially since they are on opposite sides of whatever spectrum
they belong. As well, even if E.T. had the power to destroy, he wouldn't
have the heart. He's too soft and kind-hearted.
Physics dictates that a low centre of gravity will provide for better
manuverability and cornering and although ET's C of G is absurdly low,
there is no way on God's Green Earth (tm) that ET would even be able to
out run Alf in the event of an all out retreat.
While E.T.'s busy entertaining with party tricks to amuse two dim witted
kids, Alf is eating cats for breakfast - yes, actually eating cats -
though they never showed it on channel three for fear of a frontal,
politically correct, house-wife attack. E.T. is supposed to be cute and
harmless, and he's persecuted because of it - Alf, on the other hand, is a
beer drinking, oxygen breathing, fully liscenced terrerian, and if he
could get out more he'd be riding down route 66, two chicks on the back of
his harley-hog, dragging E.T. atrophied limbs up and down the curb.
Alf's accumulated personality would overwhelm ET faster then you could say
"Ha, I kill me!"
Wow! After reading this one, it is apparent that you two were both
sniffing guano in the basement, because you're missing 'the big picture'
(tm). This is a win-win situation, atleast at first, because there is
nothing stopping the both of them from getting off the planet. Here's
exactly how it would go down.
Foul temper beats love any day of the week.
Lit finger beats bad humor every time!
E.T. has an affinity for all living things. Including the Tanner's cat.
He just brings it into Alf's field of view, and this is sufficient to not
only distract him but it also lures him away from his ship, right into the
angry face of Mr. Tanner. Before Alf can say "What cat?" E.T. is off
through the stratosphere, phoning home to say that he'll be back in time
for supper.
If ALF could survive his own Atari 2600 game, I might give him a little
credit, but he never even made it to Nintendo.
Sure, E.T. has the magical powers to make things float and heal and all
that other crap But what good were those powers on that mysterious night
when E.T. wound up lying face down in a ditch?
No doubt several seasons of battle with some of the deadliest creatures on
earth (read: network executives) has toughened Alfie for this throw-down.
When Alf accidentally mistakes E.T. as a threat to his "Icecapades: Aliens
Are Awesome!" comeback tour, he reverts to old form and goes for the
proverbial jugular.
True, Alf is 239 years old, but it's not like he's a grandfather
or anything. At 239 years, Alf is in his PRIME. He's ready for this
fight. He's ready and able to beat up E.T.. E.T., on the other hand is
an old fart. In the movie, he was there for what, a week or two? Then he
started going pale and weak. Everybody thought it was because he was
sick, but does anybody else realize these are also the symptoms of AGE?
After just week, he was READY TO DIE. George Burns looked better than
E.T. three weeks AFTER he died. And in this scenario, E.T. has been there
a couple of months. Alf is gonna beat the crap out of E.T.'s crippled
ass.
The reason ALF will win is simple. He has the hunger! He needs to get to
New Melmac to be with Rhonda.
I should point out though, that the age/experience argument goes down the
gurgler when we take into account that ET is supposed to be around 900
years old. Don't ask me how I know, I just do.
Alf may have forward-parked into the Tanner's garage, but I would guess
from his accent that he may have had a brief stop in New York and
"interacted" with some of the "locals". Then again, he may just watch
too much T.V.
Guys, you're being too narrow-minded. You're too focused on what's going
on in the house, but did you consider what was happening outside?
Despite my brother's arguments to the contrary and my Mom's
insistence that E.T. was the worst movie she ever saw, I have
to go with E.T. on this one.
Alf's head to toe body hair precludes his closer-to-mammalia killer
instincts. This one will have to be included on a Time-Life slaughter
tape.
It should be quite obvious that Gordon Shumway of Melmac will end up beating
the holy hell out of ET. ET is still in disarray after the departure of John
Tesh and is nowhere near in peak fighting form. To think that they remain a
cohesive unit capable of co-ordinated actions is stretching it; the notion
that they could take on and best Alf is absurd in the extreme. Soon after
the fight begins, Alf's fists will be lesioning flesh and bone from the
dying remains of Bob Goen and beating Mary Hart into a pasty mess with the
artificial hip of Mark Steines. (It should be noted that damaging Julie
Moran is not possible as she is in actual fact a holographic image).
Alf by a mile, easy. Come now, four feat of fur-covered cat-killikg power,
versus some wimpy crane-necked subject of an Atari 2600 game? Really...Drew
Barrymore coulda kicked ET's ass, even hopped up on Reese's Pieces.
"Floooaaattt", you say? That just means an airborne, frenzied furball comin'
for ET's ass.
At first glance, it would appear that Alf has the advantage, with his
bulk, furry body, and nasty attitude. But after thinking about what
advantages ET has, I knew we have to look beyond what seems to be
obvious and go with ET.
This match seems, at first, to be a no-brainer:
The winner of this one is very simple and quick. While Alf is busy
making sitcom-type jokes about what he will do to his opponent, E.T.
will simple light up his Electric Finger of Death (TM) and in that sweet
little voice he has, utter one word: "BURRRRRRRN!" Alf let's out a
blood-curdling scream as his body lights up in a bright orange fireball.
With the muppet-wannabe now out of the picture, E.T. finishes his
modifications to the ship and returns home. His people, who monitored
the fight, give E.T. a hero's welcome and dub him "E.T.-Destroyer of
All".
E.T. easily wins. Given his penchant for learning foreign languages, all
he has to do is learn four simple little words:
Okay, let's take this apart piece by piece. First of all, ALF crashed
here, he didn't have a choice in the matter, but he's still really
steamed that he can't find a Ronco-Matic Freem Drive (TM) so that he can
get home. E.T. on the other hand is a hopeless goob from somewhere out
past Uranus. E.T. is such a goob that he was marooned here by his
"buddies". Yup, they said, "Hey! Here's our chance, lets ditch old
Extendo-Neck (TM) here and take the car for a spin."
Now, E.T. may be pissed off, but he exists on a diet of Reeses Pieces (TM)
and that suger buzz will wear off five seconds into the match, whereas
ALF, having just had a meal of the Tanner's next door neighbours cat Lucky
will be full charged on his diet of fur and feline and E. T. wouldn't
stand a chance!
Okay, guys, here's my reasoning for why ALF royally whooped E.T.'s
scrawny ass:
Anyone without a brain could figure this one out. You are matching up a
guy (errr...life form) who eats cats against a skinny, worthless, boney
fingered alien with a big head. Alf may have stubby arms but when he
gets close enough to E.T., he can put a lot of weight into his punch.
The best thing E.T. has going for him is a light bulb in his finger. If
this "magic finger" did anything, E.T. would have used it to get back
home or shipped the military soldiers to Antartica. E.T. obviously
hasn't got a chance against Alf. Besides, your forgetting that Alf has
home field advantage. It's his spacecraft and house isn't it? He
probably knows where every lead pipe and hand gernade is on the
property. I give E.T. 10 seconds and he's out.
Is there any question?
ET is gonna be fertilizer for one of his happy
little trees.
End of story. How to cook a cow.
Dig a firepit.
Build a fire, and allow the coals to burn down to a dull
red.
Pad with green grass, or damp straw.
Add 1 cow (dead)
cover
corpse with excess dirt.
Come back in 24 hours, dig up the cow, and
eat.
(serves 37) How to cook a cat.
Remove fur (if the cat is
a longhair, this could take a while.
Eat the cat.
(serves 1.5)
As soon as the finger starts to glow a very Miss Piggy like scream
echoes through the night.
"Hiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!"
ET goes sailing across the garage and lands badly on his head. All of a
sudden ET's whole body begins to glow a very eerie red/yellow. Just as
ET releases the powerful blast of energy aimed at killing Alf there is a
blue/red streak and Superman The Last Son of Krypton arrives and
absorbes the blast.
The man of steel looks at the other two aliens, and shakes his head.
"This is no way for fellow aliens to act."
"He was going to steel my ship," complains Alf.
"Were you?" asks Superman.
"Go....Home," replies ET stupidly.
"Answer the question," replies the man of steel impatiently.
This continues for several minutes with Superman getting more and more
impatient.
"For the last time were you going to steal Alf's ship" demands Superman.
"Go...Home," is all ET can reply.
This is all the man of steel can take. He grabs ET in an iron grip and
hurles him through the garage and the house. Realizing what he was
about to do, Superman apologizes and flies off to prevent a major
catastrophy. Alf, seizing the obvious advantage, stands over ET's
rapidly whitening body.
"This will take a lot of heat off of me," Alf sneers.
In a rampage that is not suitable for prime-time television Alf hacks
and mutilates ET's pathetic body, and in a flash of brilliance he moves
the hacked and mangled form to the neighbors house knowing that it will
take the attention off his Earth family.
Only the overwhelming response for Alf could provoke me to write--the
idea of over 1000 idiots voting for him makes me reach for the motion
sickness bag!
1. Reach: ET has a decisive edge here. Alf's little stumps caused
him enough trouble with everyday tasks, much less tangling with the
long-armed ET. The green guy stays outside and throws the jab.
2. Waist: Why waist, you ask? Because Alf has gotten fat raiding the
Tanner fridge all these years. He's soft, and he has lost all
motivation to be anything but a couch potato who can't even catch the
cats he covets. ET has been chased by the elite forces in the
government's service and outwitted them at every turn.
Don't let E.T.'s size fool you. Remember Yoda? "Judge *me* by my size,
would you? And well you should *not*!" Do we see something in common
here? Both are short, English impaired aliens who can lift things by
the power of their mine! That's right. E.T.'s got the FORCE! Sure,
you say. E.T.'s a good guy. Well, ALF's standing between him and his
ride home. He's pissed. He has the RAGE(tm). He's ready to *LET THE
HATE FLOW*! ALF moves in kicking and punching. E.T.'s finger starts to
glow, and ALF is soon on the business end of a set of hedge clippers.
By the time ALF looks like a poodle, E.T.'s blood thirst has just been
whetted. Before you can "say diiiieeeeee", the Tanner's riding
lawnmower has been disassembled and twin blades of death are hurling
after the whimpering and cringing ALF. Soon all that remains of the
alien furball is a bloody spot on the floor. E.T. takes the ship, and
on the way out of the atmosphere lobbs a nuke at the PBS studio where
Barney is produced. In a few weeks, E.T. comes back with an invinceable
army and takes over the world.
Alf is always misbehaving and mischievous, old enough to have seen and
done it all. ET is like a little kid lost in a shopping mall. Alf would
simply pretend that he was going to let ET use his ship, knock him in
the head with a wrench and then head home himself, leaving a young sad
alien with a Flinstone lump on his head the size and colour of that
glowing finger of his. The Tanners, having enough of all the alien
hijinks would boot him out on his wrinkly brown bottom.
The way I see it's like this. All those years back on his planet E.T.
has been gorging himself on Reese's pieces and is a bloated hamhock.
Adding into the that Gertie turned into a promiscuous former junkie, he
also went back to trying beer. In the end E.T. is left as an overweight
couch potato, with the help of the Tanner family of course. Alf on the
other hand has been given so many chores by the Tanner family to clean
up his messes, and chasing his food all day(Lucky the cat) that he is
probally in peak form. So this is how it goes.
"E.T. go home?"
"Not on my ticket Bub!"
Alf leaps on the bewildered being with a wild fury of punches. E.T.
starts pointing his little finger at Alf and Alf just bites it of and
keeps it as a pen light. In the end E.T. in slumped on the floor with
his speak and spell shoved someplace nasty and Alf is taking pictures
for the national inquirer to make some quick cash.
Gary Coleman v. Webster
Ewoks v. Gremlins
Men in Black v. Mork
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