"I pity da fool wid da slo link!" World Wide Web Fights presents
WWWF GRUDGE MATCH

Wheel! Of! Fortune! Your hosts: Pat Sajak and Vanna White

The Contestants


Larry's Other Brother Darryl	Harpo Marx	Nell

The preceeding has been a Visual Bonanza (TM)

For Wheel of Fortune rules and other stuff, go to the Game $how Page.

WHEEL...OF...FORTUNE (tm)!!!! Live from the Sony Studios (tm) it's America's Favorite Game Show (tm), Wheel of Fortune (tm)! Now, here are your hosts Pat Sajak (tm) and Vanna White (tm)!

PAT: Thank you. (HAHAHAHAHAHA.) We have got some fabulous prizes out there tonight for our contestants. Let's meet our contestants! First, we've got Darryl, a woodsman from Vermont. So tell me Darryl, what exactly does a woodsman do? (Pause) O.K. That's sounds really interesting. (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.) Second, from Hollywood we have Harpo. Tell us Harpo, what do you do? "Honk!" (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.) Well, at least you sort of talk! (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.) Finally, from Backwoods, USA we have Nell. So, Nell, do you have ANYTHING to say? (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.) "Chick a pee, fay te." Well, isn't that fascinating? (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.) Well, looks like we're going to have lots of fun tonight! (HAHAHAHAHAHA.) Let's get on to our first puzzle, the highest prize on the wheel is $1000 --

[Pat Sajak cut off at this point in the interest of viewer sanity.]

The Commentary

STEVE: After much deliberation, I have to go with Darryl on this one. This is due not only to his superiority, but also the fact that his opponents have serious problems working against them. First, there is Nell. She will be very scared by all the bright lights and clapping, and will likely end up in a catatonic state, unable to do anything except stare at the rotating wheel. This works out well for Harpo, for he will be next door at Nell's podium, continually trying to put one leg around her and sit on her lap. Now that those two are occupied, that leaves Darryl to win the fabulous prizes.

Darryl may be silent, but he has a knack for other methods of communication. His brother Larry understands him flawlessly, and he is able to convey 1000-page novels with one carefully orchestrated facial expression. Darryl's rough-edged exterior belies his impressive intellect. Also, Darryl (and his brothers) possess supernatural powers which will certainly help him avoid the "Bankrupt" spot on the wheel. As an example they performed their magic ritual which caused it to snow during a dry winter in Vermont: ("Are you sure you was facing east when you were naked and pissing into that tree stump?"). Darryl will be victorious, winning every puzzle and the nation's heart.

SAM: There is only one clear winner in this "sounds of silence" challenge, Harpo. The way I see it, Harpo's only competition in this half-hour of "America's favorite gameshow" will be Darryl. Concerning the assessment of Nell, I must agree with you, Steve. I do not, however, agree that she will be calm. There is just too much stimuli for her to absorb, the lamb will never stop "screaming."

As for the Darryl, I just don't think he can perform without Larry. I know Harpo was dependent, but not in the same way. Harpo at least is flexible, he just needs a mentor, I could envision Vanna stepping up to this role. Darryl, on the other hand, needs Larry. (The first Darryl may suffice, but its a tough call.) Harpo does indeed have the best form of communication, and I'm sure after a brief learning period everyone will understand Harpo. Oh Steve, you may want to know that Darryl was directed to face east and juggle squirrels, three I think, while naked in hopes to cure a dry winter. And finally, who has more of a chance at winning America's heart, Darryl or Harpo?

Back to the contest, its a close one, but I'll stand firm with Harpo. He's no Ernest, but who is?

BRIAN: First, don't either of you realize that the Wheel of Fortune is determined by individual greatness? Look at Harpo and Darryl! Their careers were based on riding the coattails of at least 2 other brothers. Nell lived alone in the woods for years, thriving by herself, even developing her own languange. It is this type of perservence and self-reliance that will pull her through. The other two contestants will be lost without their slapstick-siblings.

Second, sorry, but I must play the BABE (tm) card. Remember this IS Jodi Foster were talking about, and this IS Pat Sajak (Pat = pervert). Jodi will give Pat the old wink, Pat will suddenly feel like shooting a president, and the rest, as they say, is history. Just to drive the point home, after Pat awards her the first puzzle, Nell will craftily select the pinball machine (right before, of course, the ceramic dalmation). We all know about Jodi and pinball machines.

Finally, Nell will have the rage. Look, she lived alone in the woods, with no human contact for 20-some years, and who's the first person she sees? Liam Neeson! If that doesn't piss somebody off, what would?! Nell will see winning W-of-F (by whatever means necessary) as a method of ditching Liam and moving on to some real men. Pat, of course, will be quickly used, abused, and thrown away.

For Newhart links, visit Sitcoms Online.

The Results

Harpo (170)

outspins

Darryl (157)

and

Nell (128)

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Voter Comments

First, if you consider that Harpo is dead and Nell has most likely returned to the wilderness, Darryl wins by default. Assuming, everyone is present for competition, we can note that some (controversial) sociologists assert that women and minorities (Harpo is Jewish) tend to perform better on mental criterion tests. I don't subscribe to this bell curve nonsense, so that is not my reason. My vote for Darryl is derived from the structure of the game itself. This game is based around money, and the savvy players know that buying vowels is the key to victory. If you recall the first episode of Newhart where Larry and the Darryls appeared, they had their own company "Anything for a buck" in which they were contracted to remove a dead body from a basement. Indeed, the brothers demonstrated their entrepreneur spirit as brother Larry went on to pitch A&W commercials. Alas for Nell, money has no meaning and if she has any economic system (with animals, I guess), it is certainly a barter system. If every dollar amount on the wheel were replaced with objects (pretty leaves, acorns, etc.), perhaps she could win. As for Harpo: Entrepreneurial Spirit? He plays the harp!!! Also as a true Marxist, obtaining money without really earning it probably strikes him the wrong way. Darryl, definitely Darryl.

- Nobody at University of Iowa

Darryl will win because:

A) He's the strong but silent type. Vanna will go nuts over him. B) He has Larry and Darryl in the audience to help him out and cheer him on. Harpo's brothers are busy chatting up the ladies, having forgotten about poor old Harp, and the anthropologists will be too busy trying to get a court injunction to cheer on Nell. C) Even if Nell whizzes through the first round, the court injunction kicks in, and she gets dragged away and loses. D) Harpo's horn can't articulate the difference between a vowel and a consenant. E) Darryl was on Newhart. Newhart is good.

- Christopher Bird

Unfortunately, I forsee a big zero-zero-zero overtime situation, going on for DAYS, until Nell accidentally stumbles on the right answer. At some point everybody on the show will simply agree that her saying "Pick a Tee" really is "Pittsburg Steelers", so they can all go home.

- Chris

I thought saying "Pittsburgh Steelers" gets you thrown off of game shows.

.... a quandary.

I believe we have overlooked a key point in the proceedings: Vanna. Yeah, she's got letter-turning down pat, but her acting career never materialized as expected. With nothing but a two-bit game show left until her looks give out, she'll gaurd her position as chief babe/male audience attractor like a mother grizzly guarding her cub.

Up until now, her position has never been challenged (not a lot of supermodels go on WOF), but suddenly in waltzes Jodi and suddenly the Secret Service has to step up Clinton's security contingent tenfold. Vanna, angry that Ms. Movie Big-shot is intruding on her turf, gets ugly mean. With her razor-sharp, two-inch long Lee Press-on Nails Of Death[TM, available at your local Fays Drugs], she'll maul poor Nell so bad that only her DNA specialist will recognize her (Ick a nucleotide, ay la). Vanna's got Patty S. so whipped that the only thing he does is break to a commercial.

Meanwhile, Harpo's chivalric streak kicks in and he charges to the aid of Nell, while she still has a pulse. However, Harpos horn and props are no match for a rabid cohostess; Harpo's going home in a box (a moment of silence, please). Too late, the cops arrive and put Vanna down with enough tranquilizer darts to make a whale dream. She's quickly taken to the vet (game show hosts/hostesses are not, technically, human) where they put her to sleep for good and bury her in a shoebox. Pat, realizing that no one will tune in to watch him alone, retires to a Tibettan Monastery with Richard Dawson, never to be seen in syndication again.

Meanwhile, The Other Darryl is still standing in the middle of a darkened, abandoned studio. He's so confused that a blinking question mark manifests itself out of the ether over his head, the winner by default.

- Rosencrantz

Well this is a toughy. None can talk, and all are dependant on some sort translator for their highly individualist language. What then sets them apart? Is it flannel, a horn, or raccoon friends? No. Frankly it is anatomy.

We can observe that both Daryl and Harpo appear to be men. Without closer examination, and I am not willing to be the one to look, we must go on this. If we assume that either of them are not men I think it is safe to assume that they are not women either.

Nell has the outward appearances of a woman, and one could assume the anatomical characteristics are consistant. Again, I am not willing to do more that speculate, but I do have a cousin who has interesting collection of photos who say Nell is a she. This then becomes a distinctive and unique characteristic.

This FEMALE characteristic is, in fact, the single most important feature of any of the contestants. We all know from past observations that the Woman always wins Wheel of Fortune.

This is neither the place, nor is their the space for an adequate explanation that encompasses the psychologic, antropologic, phsiological, or socioloic reasons for this phenomenon. Missing explanations aside, the truth is that there can only be one winner, Nell.

- Fred

Harpo wins. for one, Harpo always is flittering with the ladies, so, he will soon be in the lap of Vanna and Nell. Nell,being the socially withdrawn person that she has become will cower in a corner and hide, leaving Vanna to be the center of Harpo's attentions. This of course flatters Vanna and she "helps" Harpo along as the contest continues. And at least Harpo can make some noise while Darryl is quiet. So while Darryl stands there Harpo will make guestures to Vanna who will interpret them and turn the right squares in order to ensure Harpo's win. Therfore,Harpo wins all four puzzles and then wins the grand Prize in record time. Of course, Vanna runs off with him afterwards, leaving Pat by himself. (Who cares?).

- Paul Pasarilla

Well, my vote went to Harpo, partly out of fan loyalty but largely because in some of the latter Marx Brothers films (A Day at the Races and onward) Harpo did display an ability to communicate through mime. For example, if he wished to guess the letter "T" he might pull a cup of tea from his pocket.

Ultimately, the more interesting issue is what will happen to Pat and Vanna. Will Pat be dumbfounded at meeting Darryl, a human being even duller than himself? Surely Harpo will chase Vanna all over the studio; What would he do if he caught her? Will Nell sense the obvious sexual tension between Pat and Vanna and use her backwoods wiles to draw them together? If they did marry, what would their children's hair look like?

These are the question you should be asking!

- Flapjack

Nell wins by the "Infinite Monkeys with Infinite Typewriters Theory (tm)". The theory states that if you give an infinite number of monkeys and give them all a typewriter, eventually they will write all the great novels of the world. This happens because eventually, by complete chance, some monkeys will type a meaningful word. Then, also by complete chance, some of those monkeys will write complete meaningful sentences. If you continue the argument, some of the monkeys will write, word for word, Tale of Two Cities, Moby Dick, the Bible, 1984, etc. Of course, many will type gibberish and other will write a complete Moby Dick except it will start with "Call me Ftang Ftang Ole Biscuit Barrell", but one of those monkeys will have written it WORD FOR WORD. It may take 50 gazillion years but IT WILL HAPPEN.

Nell may speak gibberish but, eventually, she will come up with a word in English. By the laws of probability, if she is given enough time, she will solve the puzzle . Of course, she probably won't place any letters but she will win the minimum $250 or whatever. That will still beat Darryl who will just stand there for the 30 second time limit and lose his turn. Harpo won't be able to solve any puzzle except "HONK" so he's no threat either. Nell wins by default!

- Campus Info

Harpo has got his horn right? If Harpo's got a horn he can't fail. He'll honk his way to victory. Even if he doesn't have the horn , he could squeeze Nell and get her to make some noise. go harpo go!

- me

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