World Wide Web Fights presents
WWWF GRUDGE MATCH

The Setting: One Year Later...

Tattoo rushes down the hospital corridor, anxious to see his old friend. At the same time he is apprehensive, since he knows this friend will likely never be leaving the hospital alive. As Tattoo enters the room, he is greeted by a weak smile, as well as dozens of tubes, wires, and machines depserately trying to keep Webster's broken body alive. Tattoo sits by Webster's bed. "How did this happen? Who did this to you?" he asks. With a faint, raspy voice, Webster replies, "It was that wimpy small brother, the one on that sitcom..." Webster briefly fades out of consciousness for a moment, and then continues. "Tattoo, get him for me. He must pay for what he has done." Webster motions to the drawer by the bed. Tattoo reaches in, and finds Webster's brass knuckles from the fight. "Take those," Webster said faintly, "and win one for the Webster." Webster fades into unconsciousness once more, perhaps for the last time. Tattoo, now enraged, heads out the door, singleminded of purpose. He must find Webster's foe and vanquish him.

As he walks around Harlem, Tattoo finally spies his target. "There he is, the one with the sitcom," Tattoo mumbles under his breath. Tattoo, always busy on Fantasy Island, is unfortunately not up to date with his sitcoms. Tattoo storms up to whom he thinks is the culprit, Urkel. "Prepare to pay for what you have done!" Tattoo says as he brandishes the gleaming brass knuckles. Urkel, surprised yet always prepared, pulls out his own brass knuckles from under his coat. "You don't know who you're dealing with, Tattoo. I've got a hot date with Laura, and I don't plan on missing it because of you!" Urkel retorts. The two begin to circle each other as a small crowd gathers to watch the fight. Only one will walk away from this showdown.

So, Brian, who will win Street Fight II - The Wrath of Webster?

Steve Urkel, Family Matters Tattoo, Fantasy Island

Urkel

vs.

Tattoo

The Commentary

BRIAN: Well, let's assume first that Tattoo even makes it far enough to catch up with Urkel. We all know that small latino men running around Harlem tend to disappear in a hurry. But for arguments sake, I'll grant that he gets that far.

At first glance, Tattoo clearly has the RAGE (tm). Fighting for his dying blood brother, truly he will give an amazing performance. But Urkel, while probably mildly upset at the possibility of missing the date with Laura, is actually driven my a much stronger force -- the only thing more powerful than the RAGE (tm) and the BABE Factor (tm): FEAR. What is Urkel afraid of? Tattoo? Surely not. It's the fear that every childhood actor has: that of becoming a washed-up has-been for his entire adult life. Too many before him, Danny Bonaduce, Rick Schroeder, the Gold sisters, and, yes, even Gary Coleman, had gone on to lead a life of dispair, substance abuse, and pathetic public displays. Clearly, a loss as embarassing as getting beat up by Tattoo would end Urkel's career. It would be the start of a downward spiral, similar to what starring in that made-for-TV-movie about the L.A. Laker Girls did to Tina Yothers. Now while a victory over the stubby Tattoo would by no means guarantee Urkel's achieving Ron Howard Status (tm), a loss would undoubtedly send him to almost certain banishment to the talk show circuit at age 30.

How is it that rabbits can sometimes outrun the usually speedier foxes? Simply because while the foxes are running for their dinner, the rabbits are running for their lives. It's the same thing here: Tattoo is fighting for justice and vengence, but Urkel is fighting for his very existence.

STEVE: You're damn right that Urkel is fighting for his very existence. Tattoo is a powerful weapon waiting to be unleashed. On Fantasy Island, he and Mr. Rourke always worked for good, and you never saw their evil side. But when Mr. Rourke turned to evil in The Wrath of Khan, you saw how mighty he became. The same will happen for Tattoo. In fact, you can catch a glimpse of his evil side in The Man with the Golden Gun where he shows James Bond a thing or two. Urkel just doesn't realize the trouble he's wandered into.

An important factor to consider here is agility. As any street fighter knows, agility plays a big role in these matches, especially when brass knuckles are involved. While neither competitor is excessively agile, I think Tattoo has the edge here. Urkel is always constrained by those pants pulled up to his chest. This limits him to waddling around, and will hamper his lunging ability. In addition, I'm sure they are effecting tremendous pressure on his family jewels, which causes intense pain, and will surely distract him from the fight. The lapses in concentration brought on by the pants will be his downfall. One quick smack in Urkel's glass jaw will send him to the hospital next door to Webster. Webster will discover this, and will then bribe the nurse to poison him "accidentally." Tattoo wins!

BRIAN: I think you seriously underestimate the power of motivation. As Urkel and Tattoo are squaring off, measuring each other up, Urkel gets a flash. Nay! A vision! He forsees a commercial shown during a football game several years in the future..."Tonight on NBC in a World Premiere Movie (tm), witness Jaleel White in a breakthrough dramatic role..." Urkel screams: "NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" This terrifying vision sends him into an unthinking homicidal rage, very similar to one induced by PCP, where he feels no pain and kills everything in sight.

And let's just say, for the sake of argument, that motivation (and all of the other "intangibles") aren't important. What does that leave us with? That's right, the Tale of the Tape (tm). What does the Tale of the Tape (tm) tell us? Well, it tells us that Tattoo's stocky frame and short arms are ideal for a jab-led assault. But it also tells us that Urkel has a foot-and-a-half height advantadge. Along with that height advantadge comes a foot-and-a-half reach advantadge. Thus, Urkel can just use the Put-Your-Hand-On-The-Other-Guy's-Forehead-And-Let-Him-Swing-Away Defense (tm). With Tattoo's T.Rex-like arms flailing, the brass hitting nothing but air, he tires out quickly and Urkel finishes the weakened sidekick off. (This is very similar to the strategy Rocky used against Clubber Lang, except Urkel won't get a finger laid on him.) Either way, the Tattoo gets removed.

STEVE: Brian, your whole TV argument is pointless, since you assume that Urkel even has the possibility of a future if he wins this fight. You, I, and the American people all know that his career will end with Family Matters, simply because he has no talent. He will end up following in the footsteps of other greats (as you eariler mentioned) regardless of the outcome of this fight.

In addition, you are forgetting another important factor in this fight: Urkel's glasses. Tattoo doesn't subscribe to that chivalrous rule where you can't hit someone with glasses. First, Urkel will be caught off guard, not used to people actually hitting him (since he has glasses). But more important, in one hit they will shatter, leaving the hapless Urkel to flail blindly against Tattoo's vicious assault. Unfortunately for Urkel, Tattoo's hawk-like vision offers no such weakness.

Finally, there is the mysterious question of Tattoo's outfit. White suit. Very suspicious. To all outward appearances, this is the outfit of someone in the Mafia. For all we know, he actually is. After all, he'd be good for odd jobs, such as crawling through air ducts to make a hit on a heavily guarded enemy. This implies years of training and experience, which will easily overcome Urkel's youthful vigor. In addition, we all know that they look out for each other in the "family." I wouldn't be surprised if a the barrel of a gun poked out from a nearby window and ended things for Urkel if he actually started to win. At any rate, Tattoo will be the victor in this match, and will drive away unscathed in his mini-station wagon-convertible.

For Family Matters links, visit Sitcoms Online.

The Results

Tattoo (527)

pummels

Urkel (312)

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Voter Comments

RESPONSE OF THE WEEK (TM)

Tattoo, quick and simple.

Why? Simple. Tattoo, you see, was half-cool[TM]. On the other hand, any decent human being has a duty to kill Urkel on sight for the Good of Mankind(R). Tattoo has very little to do with the resolution of this fight. Erkel, you see, is under the same sort of danger as Salmon Rushdie-- too many people want him dead. When we see him here, he's in cognito ergo sum, or something. Anyway, he's disguised so he doesn't get messily slaughtered by the first person that sees him. His disguise, however, is rigged to work against normal people-- of normal height. Tattoo, on the other hand, recognized him immediately-- he can look up to see what's below the bill of that baseball cap. While Tattoo, given time, patience and his good buddy Kahn, could wipe the floor with Erkel, he's done his part. Erkel's cover is blown, and the general populace recognizes the Sitcom Kid in Their Mist, and acts accordingly. Pistols are unholstered, baseball bats are pulled out of car trunks, shotguns appear from under trench coats. Urkel quickly becomes a fine mist on the brick wall, grafitti displaying a grim reminder of what we do to sitcom kids in this part of town.

Now, on to the cast of Full House.

Where's my ax,
--Rosencrantz.

ROTW (TM) Silver Medal Winner (TM)

Simple. TATTOO IS DEAD -- he isn't fighting anyone. However Urkel is so much of a wimp that maybe tattoo's ghost could give him a good beating, but I doubt it. After Urkel digs him up he will win a grueling 5 hour fight with the corpse.

- Chris Opocensky

ROTW (TM) Bronze Medal Winner (TM)

Nothing beats Urkel when it comes to pound for pound destruction. Considering what he has done on "Family Matters," it's amazing that the Winslows' house still stands. Every time that nerd comes over, he breaks something. With a pair of brass knuckles, he's unstoppable.

Urkel takes a swing at Tattoo and misses completely, spins out of control and hits the nearby building at its structural weak point. A huge crack forms in the wall, causing the building to collapse into the street, snapping power wires and shutting off electricity to the rest of the city. The street, unable to handle the pressure, crumbles, cutting water mains, natural gas lines and the sanitary sewer system. With the escape of the gas, explosions and the resulting fires gut the area while the fire department is rendered helpless without water pressure. As raw sewage runs through the streets, unparalleled panic breaks out complete with riots, one-hundred car pileups and looting. This stress on the Earth's crust forces a massive earthquake, followed by mudslides and sinkholes. Those that survive will be abducted by UFOs as hostile aliens use the perfect cover to gather specimens.

Meanwhile back at the Grudge Match(tm), Tattoo shouts "O #$%&! Da Plane! Da Plane!" just before he is crushed by a crash-landing 747 that collided with a pigeon while waiting for the air-traffic control systems to regain power.

"DID I DO THAT?" Tattoo would have been better off facing Godzilla.

- Paul Golba

Tattoo's squat frame paces an imaginary circle opposite the lanky scientific powerhouse, Steve Urkel. Though the fire of vengeful rage burns within him, and a glint of as-yet barely-tapped evil shines in his cold eyes, Tattoo is cognizent of his opponent's fear-inducing reach and raw intellectual power. His hands open and close, balling into tight fists around the cold, hard brass knuckles.

Almost without warning, Urkel swoops in with a sudden, carefully calculated swipe. Tattoo, unable to duck, attempts to leap away from the whistling arms of death. His stubby legs propel him only so far, though, and his shirt front is sliced open, leaving a James T. Kirk - style gash across his rippling pecs.

Then he sees his chance. Urkel's long arms, weighted down by the unwieldy brass, continue their fearsome swing, out of control. They begin to wrap around his bean-pole frame.

Picking himself up off the blood-spattered pavement, Tattoo moves in with lightning speed, issuing powerful spear-like jabs to Urkel's flabby midsection. Urkel, arms still tightly ensnaring him, doubles over in pain, giving Tattoo his window of vengeance. Brass-encrusted meathooks of wrath pound into Urkel's pain-twisted face, embedding coke-bottle lens fragments deep into his eyes and skull. Blow after compact blow crashes upon Urkel. No movement is wasted by Tattoo, the fighting machine. He vents his rage upon Urkel's ravaged frame until his opponent falls.

Screaming in bloodlust, Tattoo raises his fists high into the air, his animalistic, tortured bellow shattering windows in buildings unfortunate enough to be in the vicinity. Years of pent-up rage from being the picked-upon sidekick floods out of his tiny body. Alas, his small frame is unable to contain the waves of wrath and grief that pour forth in torrential flow, and he explodes, sending angry bits of himself across an entire neighborhood.

The 6-o'clock news reports the occurrence with a sad commentary on the futility of vengeance, and a weary nation grows just a bit wiser.

- Denes F. House (Tick Boy)

You have got to be kidding. In all the years I watched Fantasy Island I never saw Tattoo do a damn thing except deliver the pathetically written lines. Hell, the poor bastard could barely even run. Urkel has speed and ingenuity, in other words, his character was developed, not ignored by the idiots who programmed TGIF. Urkel wins, Tattoo loses, and Ricardo whats-his-name gets his butt kicked by Lt. Frank Drebin again.

- Jagrmeister

Okay so Tattoo rushes Urkel and Urkel pulls of the Hand to the head trick. Now Brian would have us believe that Tattoo will now wear himself down throwing meaningless punches. Noway, Tattoo is too sly for that. You must remember all of the times he was in the right place at the right time on Fantasy Island. This take intelligence and skill. So now just as Urkel thinks he's safe Tattoo will pull off the Johnny Cage split punch to the groinal area. Oh but wait, there's a miss calculation on Tattoo's part Urkel has no sensation in that area since he has never had any need for that area, hence the reason he can stand having his pants around his nipples. Now though Urkel being the superior cretin he is though looks down and smiles at Tattoo just as he is about to bash his head in with his brass knuckles. Tattoo pulls off his final trick and points and yells, 'Da Plane, Da Plane'. Urkel of course being the nerd that he is is compelled to look even though he knows that there isn't a plane coming. When Urkel's head is turned Tattoo balls his fist and throws everything he has into a shot to the bread-basket shattering Urkel's sternum.

So there you have it. Tattoo in an intensly fought battle.

- Kent

Let's take a look at this from a purely OBJECTIVE standpoint. Given that Tattoo, having the advantage of agility and position, he nevertheless has to face the power of Network America. One man, from a cancelled TV show, vs. ABC's last stand against "Must See TV", cannot handle the fight alone. Network hitmen and Roseanne will tear Tattoo to bits.

However, Tattoo is NOT alone! Bear in mind "Fantasy Island" starred Ricardo Montelban! Yes, when ABC - "The Man", so to speak, attacks, well then the hispanic anti-defamation leagues come into play! Led into battle by Caesar Romero, tastefully dressed as the Joker, millions upon millions of Latinos, disgruntled that they are not properly represented by Network America, will attack ABC; Network America is thus held in check.

(Note that African-American leagues will not support Urkel, because Tattoo is fighting for Webster, who is also black, yet MUCH more appealing to the public.)

Now it's Urkel vs. Tattoo: One shall stand. One shall fall. But how can Tattoo win? The secret; Herve Villechaise is DEAD! Experience and B-movies show that it is IMPOSSIBLE to kill walking cadavers, even short ones. So Urkel shall run, taking off his high heels in every scene (sorry, Kids in The Hall reference) while Tattoo, using the power of How A Zombie Can Keep Up With You Despite The Fact That They Never Run (patent pending), DESTROYS Urkel. The power of HAZCKUWYDTFTTNR (Patent Pending), also cancels out the "Tattoo can't run" ideology.

So Urkel is cornered by the preternaturally animated Tattoo. Will Tattoo, guardian of good, spare Urkel? NO! The answer is simple:

"Alas, where in the world have there been greater follies than with the compassionate? And what in the world has caused more suffering than the follies of the compassionate?" "Woe to all lovers who cannot surmount pity!" "Thus spoke the Devil to me once: Even God has his Hell; it is his love for man." "And I lately heard him say these words: God is dead; God has died of his pity for man." - Nietzsche

Tattoo HAS no pity! He is the "Uber-shorty", and using the glare from his white suit, focused through the glass of his pinky ring, INCINERATES Urkel.

Ha! Ha! Ha!

- Mike Farahbakhshian, Disco Lord of Tulsa (TM)

It's about damn time we got a Nietzsche reference! -Eds

Urkle goes to my school (UCLA). One time I was in the local video store and Urkle came in and wanted to rent THE MAC. Of course his friends (some big shot basketball players) wouldn't let him, but trying to rent THE MAC shows balls. This is an absolutely true story.

- Noah Klein

Let me put it this way: I am a proud USC student. One of my friends who went to UCLA was a few doors down from Jaleel White's room. While we have Joey Lawrence, he at least is moderately less annoying. UCLA deserves Urkel. Having the quadruple strikes of 1) no gadgets to help him, 2) going to UCLA, and 3) dragging down Reginald VelJohnson's (whom I liked in Die Hard) career, and 4) being damn, DAMN annoying, I must go with Tattoo, who has much motivation, and is at least somewhat debonaire. And besides, I agree: white suits hide secrets!

- Nakazawa

Unknown to some, Jaleel White had a cameo appearance in The Fresh Prince of Bel Air (sp?), as Ashley's longtime friend and almost sex partner. He didn't look like Urkel at all. This, to me, is a forebearance of Jaleel's already failing career. His career was born in to the toilet and will stay there, swirling around till our wonderful waste management system swallows him up. He knows this, and therefore has nothing to fight for. Besides, I recall an episode of Family Matters, when Laura was being terrorized by some bullies. Needless to say, Urkel handled the situation in a less-than-streetfighterly-manner. Tattoo no doubt has studied his opponent's fighting style, and will use this to his advantage. I believe yet another of Urkel's weaknesses has been overlooked. His suspenders. This provides a handle with which Tattoo can grab his opponent and subdue him, either tying him to a nearby post or using them in a straightjacket-like manner. Besides, while Urkel is young, Tattoo has a lifetime of experience. For all of these reasons, Urkel will lose in what promises to be a zany, crazy match to the death. See you in the Sunday-night movie Jaleel!

- Chris Foster

Urkel sounds like something the cat threw up, but Tattoo sounds like a rough biker-gang brutal type of a killer. Tattoo won`t even have to lift his feet to walk over Urkel when the fight is over.

- M. Wangel

While the commentary was on the mark as usual, I think an important factor in Tattoo's favor has been, through no fault of your own, overlooked. Yes, Tattoo has shown his mean streak before, but it was comical (after all, he ended up in a suitcase, and he only had to face Roger Moore, who, as we saw, couldn't even make a decent showing in the Cannonball Run!). No, what really makes me sure of the fight's outcome is my certainty that Tattoo has wallowed in the darker side of the film genre before... He has starred in a porno. Surely a man with such a dark secret, who can, at one moment, be laughing it up as Mr. Rourke's stoolie, but the next, be plotting world domination or exploiting his body for profit, has a dark fire burning in his soul, a fire that will consume the frail pathetic Urkel like so much tinder.

Let's look at Urkel, after all. The man, besides his obvious fashion problems, and his Wesley Crusher like weakness, is a transvestite. While some transvestites a have been known to kick butt (Patrick Swayze ripped a man's throat out before he went on a mission with fellow MurderDeathKiller Wesley Snipes in drag), Urkel couldn't lick a postage stamp. When he dresses as a woman, his accent is even more annoying. Tattoo, with his columbian drug connections, has likely murdered many men with his bare hands. The Brass knuckles will surely only seal Urkel's fate, and leave Tattoo to show Laura pleasures she could never before have imagined (which, thankfully, the WWWF will not televise).

This is all assuming Urkel has no ready supply of Bruce Lee juice, as he has relied upon in the past to bolster his pathetic fighting abilities (likely Linda Lee decided he should no longer have access to any Bruce Body Fluids).

- Reflex

Victory goes to 'Good'. It is the way of drama.

The comment was made that the victory should be Tattoo's because he is innately good on the show Fantasy Island�, but yet it was also said that he showed an evil quality in his confrentation with James Bond.. 007. Yet he is also driven by another evil quality one scene in this dramatic depiction of pride, love, and "family"; and that of course is pure unadulturated revenge. Yes, I said revenge.

The plots of our characters' TV shows would try to reflect that revenge was never a solution to their problems, and hence they would either fail in their quest, or resolve the conflict within themselves to overcome their henderence.

So is Tattoo's revenge for his comrade an adequate excuse to achieve the moral quality of 'Good'? And is this his strongest vice in this unbounded conflict? I really do mean unbounded.

Through understanding of the TV World philosophy I am sure people could deduce their own outcome. There is only one victorious fighter in this battle and that is Tattoo though both parties display a certain quality and quanity of 'Evil' there is a purer intention on Tatto's part to win this fight. TV world has always carried the underdogs to the winner's circle. Tattoo is the perfect example of the 'underdog' label (ie short, stubby, and walks/runs at an unfortunate pace), but that is who he is.

- Brian Monroe

It's the height thing. Short men are vindictive, mean, bitter and aggressive when backed into a corner. Urkel doesn't have that angst upon which to draw.

- ita anderson

Come now. Urkel doesn't stand ANY chance. Yes, he has a reach advantage. Yes, he has a weight advantage. There are a few things againt him, however. First, he's Urkel. (Black and white cannot carry the sheer disgust in that word.) In a fight between Urkel and Scratchy, I'd have to go with Scratchy. 'Nuff said. Second, this is Tattoo's faaaaaantasy. Meester Rourke will help his faithful little friend. In this fight to the death, Tattoo will be a whirling Tornado of Death (tm). All of his punches will strike painful, but not deadly, places. After all, he wants to see Urkel suffer (and who really doesn't?). Urkel's strikes, meanwhile, will be unable to hit his amazing foe. Slowly but surely, Urkel is reduced to a bleeding wreck. As Tattoo strikes the final blow, driving bits of bone out the back of his foe's skull, he thinks "My work is done." He then gets a complimentary lei and one of those drinks with an unbrella in it.

- Lord Axe

Tattoo has Spent year after year whiling away his life in a carefree tropical paradise, while Steve has grown up on the mean streets of Chicago... Okay, so Urkel IS the Biggest wimp on the mean streets of Chicago, but that's better than being the biggest wimp on the beaches of Fantasy Island. Nevermind the fact that no matter how goofy Steves Chestpants(TM) and suspenders outfit may be, he's nowhere Near as ridiculous looking as a Differently sized person(ie Midget/dwarf/little person) in a hideous white suit.

- Don

All that talk of Urkel's rage and fear of becoming a washed up actor is a mute point. Tattoo IS a washed up actor. And apparently all he does is hang around other washed up actors and wallow in their collective miserey. Urkel still has a show in prime-time. And all that talk of getting back to "family values" is undoubtedly a good sign for his career. Even with the rocketship-like rise in popularity of midgets, Tattoo has been largely ignored. He is a bitter, old man. And I'll take experience, wisdom, and a good sucker punch over youth, enthusiasm, and morals any day.

When Tattoo does track him down, he will drop down from a fire escape, like a panther. They will wrestle around for a bit until Urkel breaks free and rises to his feet. "Hey, hey ,hey! Now you stop it! I'm a lover, not a fighter! You'll skuff my suit that I bought from K-mart special, for my beloved Laura!" Urkel will cry. Then, with a tear in his eye for America's swetheart, Tattoo will reply "Love, love? You dare speak to me of love! Your foolish school-boy crush is nothing compared to the feelings I have for that man, trapped in the body of a young black boy! My stomach burns with all the fires of hell, knowing what you have done to him!" And then ... Whammo!

- Daric 'Bobcat' Morris

Both of you in your debate have neglected the factor that will decide this match. Not RAGE(tm), not FEAR(tm), not the BABE FACTOR(tm). It all comes down to one simple word:

ANNOYANCE(tm).

Urkel is the most annoying character ever to grace a TV screen (yes, even outclassing those little snots from Full House and blasphemy blasphemy curse blasphemy BUD BUNDY himself!) This, and this alone, will decide the match.

"Did I do that?" he nasally whines. While the spectators writhe in agony on the ground from the repercussions of this psychic blow, Tattoo reels in pain, totally discombobulated and slack jawed with sheer Irritation Overload (tm). Urkel then can finish Tattoo off at his leisure, stomping him into the ground and leaving Webster sadly unavenged.

- Robin Shortt

Of course Urkel will leave Tattoo broken, bloody, and defeated. First, Tattoo's power is entirely dependent on Mr. Rourke, and once off Fantasy Island, Tatto is out of Mr Rourke's power and protection. Additionally, while Tattoo may be deeply involved with the Fantasy Island cosa nostra, don't forget the title of Urkel's show: FAMILY Matters. With ties to crooked Chicago cops (everybody knows that Carl is on the take) and the Chicago mob, Urkel is not one to be toyed with. Connected with organized crime since kindergarten, Urkel has the brains and connections to take on anyone. It's another Valentine's day massacre as Urkel leaves Tattoo bleeding in the street as a warning to any others who might transgress.

- tmajor

This is one to ponder. Urkel, the total geek with a successful 90's TV series versus Tattoo, the total geek with a successful 80's series.

Forget them, lets look at the backup they bring into the equation.

URKEL-The entire Chicago police force (Carl, Steve's "father" figure is a cop, an angry one that Urkel has stolen his limelight, but a cop nonetheless) and his dreaded Urkelbot, which always goes haywire. Plus, the Fresh Princess's cousin, who we all see he bagged on a recent episode. Very impressive.

TATTOO-Scaramanga and his Golden Gun, the best killer on Earth...and Mr. Rourke, who has immense illusion and reality bending powers. As we saw, Fantasy Island had dinosaurs, civil war soldiers, and tons of over the hill and relatively known 70's and 80's stars all controlled by one man...Rourke! Also, in the pilot episode, several of the guest of Fantasy Island died...the network didn't think that the show should be downbeat...so for all these years, Rourke has had the RAGE TO KILL tm inside him, seething at every Joey Bishop and Charo that soiled his beautiful island. Its time for payback and not even the entire TGIF line up can stop him (now if Full House hadn't been cancelled, there would have been a chance).

TATTOO (with Mr. Rourke) is on the ropes, but Rourke unleashes his mighty illusion of letting URKEL think he is actually already on the date with Laura and at the moment of the little death (as the oh so interesting French call an orgasm and lets for the moment assume since this is URKEL's fantasy he gets lucky) here comes Tattoo and Scaramanga with THE BIG DEATH: a Dodge Celica right through the heart! URKEL's remains are displayed to the eager and overjoyed public to earn enough money to reopen FANTASY ISLAND, where washed up stars can come to have fun and get a scale paycheck.

- Marcadv

Tattoo would clearly level Erkle, the reason; the Tat is a middle aged midget on a divine mission to open a can o' woop ass on the annoying Erkle. Even though it is a case of mistaken idenity, and Erkle could miss his only chance to score he is only in his late teens or early twentys. Tat is an old weathered man. And Erk's a little rail, Tat's a small brick house.

Erk may have the reach but,Tat's about the right height to use Erk's scrotum as a puinching bag. If Tat rushes him, one well placed shot would drop Erk to an equal level with Tat. Then its just a simple quick jab to bust Erk's big nose, leaving him wide open to the wrath of the Tat unleashed. It's just no contest after that.

- Jason R.

Did anyone ever see the two episodes of Family Matters where Urkel had this stuff called "BRUCE JUICE" which transformed him into Bruce Lee? Now, he'd probably have some on him at the time where Tattoo the Terrible jumps him, since he was on his way to visit Laura. So, he swallows the "BRUCE JUICE", which transforms him into one gigantic can of WUP-ASS(tm). Urkel becomes a live-wire of martial arts action! He caves in Tattoo's skull with one well placed boot-to-the-head(tm)! I say Urkel in 18 sec. (long enough for him to drink the juice, cave in Tattoo's skull, and utter the dreaded "Did I do that?")

- Jonathon Maness

I don't think anyone **truly** understands the power of Urkel. Of course, he puts on the believable facade as your friendly neighborhood chutzpah, but do we really know what evils lurk in his psyche? Take for example the story of Pee Wee Herman. Who would have known that behind his "wacky" Saturday morining persona hid the mind of a porn addicted hand exerciser? I think we have overlooked an important factor here. Do we really believe that Urkel's suspenders are worn just as a clothing aid? My theory is that his pants fit fine, but rather the suspenders are worn as a weapon, sort of like a gun belt. In an emergency, he just needs to clip them off for a powerful ninja style whipping weapon. This surprise attack will completely bewilder Tattoo and will spell his demise!

- Alan

There is one advantage that Tattoo has over Urkel, in fact it has been considered as a disadvantage in the commentaries. That advatnage is that he's shorter. He will go for what he sees first - Urkel's nads. The two spherical shapes which will hang right before his face and promise a fast and an effortless victory, will most definitely tempt him to bite them.

Tattoo is going to ruin Urkel's family stones while the latter will produce strange sounds of frequencies only known to extraterrestrial beings. After the sudden realization of his sterility, Urkel's need for Laura will naturally dissappear, and realizing that he has nothing left to fight for, he will forfeit the match and spend the rest of his life in tv movies with Macaulay Culkin. Tattoo in 20 seconds.

- Hecubus

WWWF Celebrates One Year Online!

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