World Wide Web Fights presents
WWWF GRUDGE MATCH
Hazy waves of heat rise up over the Texas sand. Suddenly, through the
distortion, we see a figure slowly trudging along, his aged joints
creaking with each deliberate step. He enters a small western town and
begins to walk down the dusty main road. He sees a sign: Garlique (tm).
Suddenly flashing-back to his youth, he remembers the words of his master:
"Never forget the goodness of garlic, grasshoppah." So, into the GNC he
goes. The salesman quickly points out (in hushed voice) that Garlique has
been known to cure cancer, AIDS, and impotence. Disregarding the
comments, the man buys several boxes and consumes them in the checkout
line. And, thus, Kwai Chang Caine, hopped up on Garlique, stumbles out
into the street.
Across the street, Bob Walker exits the saloon, holding his girlfriend's
hand. In his stupor, Caine sees a man forcibly dragging a woman behind
him. To preserve his honor, he must protect her. "Please let go of this
woman." "What?" Bob says in reply. **WHAM** **SMACK** **BOOM** Down goes
Bob. The woman screams, and out of the saloon comes Bob's cousin,
Cordell. With eight shots of Jack in his belly, Cordell Walker is quick
to anger, and he isn't about to let some wierdo in a silly hat beat up his
favorite cousin. Caine, seeing another person who may threaten this
woman's purity, prepares himself.
So, Steve, who comes out standing in this western-style kung fu faceoff?
Caine, the geriatric Kung Fu fighter
Walker, the washed-up Texas Ranger
STEVE: It has to be Caine all the way -- there's no contest. To
begin with, age shouldn't affect him all that much. In the numerous
flashbacks to his training (back before he started using Rogaine (tm) as
evidenced by his ever-present baldness), you can see that his master is
fairly old. However, his master could still kick ass when he needed to.
Thus age isn't much of a detriment to Caine's type of Kung Fu -- it's very
mental and spiritual, not purely physical.
Second, whenever you see martial arts battles, the best fighters always
have robes on. It gives them freedom to move through a full range of
motion. Caine is never found without such a robe. However, Walker always
has his tight jeans and cowboy boots on. Talk about hampering movement!
He'd be lucky if he could lift his foot six inches off the ground. He's
dressed for a night of line dancing at Gilley's (tm), not Kung Fu
fighting! With his flexibility and movement nonexistent, he will be easy
prey for Caine and his Garlique (tm) enhanced vigor.
BRIAN: Oh, Walker can't even lift his leg up six inches? Well,
what is it I see him doing all the time? I think I've seen him kick well
above his waist before, usually resulting in one of those heavy boots
being implanted in some guy's face. Oh, and last time I checked,
somebody's "spirit" never put somebody else face down in the dirt. You
can talk about this voodoo mental preparation stuff all you want, but this
is all about kicking butt, and that's what Walker does. Plus, let's not
forget The Rage (tm). Caine is defending "honor" and "purity". Gimme a
break. Walker just saw his favorite relative sucker punched for no
reason, and, needless to say, he's miffed. And you know how Walker
gets when he's drunk...
But all of this, of course, is irrelevant. With Caine tripping out on
garlic juice, he won't even be able to perform up to his mediocre
standards. For the sake of argument, let's assume he stays to fight and
doesn't run to the corner Krystal's to get rid of his Garlique-enduced
munchies. What will happen if he does stay? He'll be flashing back so
bad he won't even know he's in the fight. We're talking about a guy that
goes into flashbacks at the sight of a water trough or a tumbleweed. And
he's like that sober. Imagine how bad it will be now. While
Walker is hammering down on Caine's face, Caine thinks he's still a
7-year-old frolicking on the bricks of the Great Wall. While Walker is
feeding him the sole of his boot, Caine's off feeding goldfish. Simply
put: Caine's mind just isn't in the game, and his body will pay the
STEVE: It's true that Caine is always going into flashbacks, but
you're missing an important point. The flashbacks don't take any actual
time. They're instantaneous to Caine and members of TV-land. They only
seem like they take forever for us TV viewers. A similar situation can be
seen with those AT&T and MCI commercials on TV. They actually only take
30 seconds, but they seem like they take 5 minutes apiece. That's five
minutes of pure, agonizing, wretched hell. But I digress.
Finally, I would like to give two last reasons why Walker (Norris) will
not win. Those two reasons are "Sidekicks" and "Top Dog." I've only seen
short clips of these two fairly recent movies, but believe me, it was
enough. These movies show Norris's true loser magnitude -- he is a
master. And this time Norris doesn't have the help of a whiny brat or a
police dog to get him out of trouble. His fate is sealed. Anyhow, here's
the way this match will progress: Walker walks up to Caine and attempts a
kick to Caine's head. RIIIPPP! Caine easily dodges aside as Walker's
jeans rip. *WHOOSH* Caine has a flashback of Master teaching him to rip
a piece of rice paper without making any sound. Caine screws up, begs
forgiveness. Master tells him true ripping ability comes from harmony
with nature. Flashback ends. *WHOOSH* Caine puts a square punch to
Walker's face, Walker is out cold. End of story.
BRIAN: Bringing filmographies into this discussion is a fatal
mistake, Steve. Sure, Norris has made some bad films, but if whoever made
the worst films is going to lose this one, David Carradine won't even know
what hit him. Not only would Norris have to top David's horrible career,
but the entire, horrid Carradine legacy. You see, it all started back
when John Carradine, the father, had a few small roles in such classics as
Stagecoach, The Grapes Of Wrath, and The Ten
Commandments. Needless to say, he did not carry Wayne, Fonda, and
Heston. But he got his name well enough known for the next 30+ years to
be able to star in such classics as Astro-Zombies, Billy the Kid
vs. Dracula, Satan's Cheerleaders (I'm not making these up,
folks), and (my personal favorite) Hillbillys in a Haunted House.
Well, like so many of his films, John spawned several sequels, each more
horrible than the previous: David, Keith, Robert, and Bruce. David, the
most "talented" of the sons, has such sparkling credentials as Safari
3000, Fast Charlie the Moonbeam Rider, and (worst of all)
Bird on a Wire. I would present you with the resume of the worst
of the Carradines, Bruce, but to gaze upon it would be to go mad.
Clearly, if we're looking to the filmographies as a clue to who the REAL
loser is, any Carradine would be pummeled by Donald Pleasance, nevermind
And for those that still don't believe, I present one of David's finest
films: Lone Wolf McQuade. Carradine plays a gun-runner who kung
fus his way to success until he meets his match: A maverick Texas
Ranger named McQuade...played by none other than Chuck Norris.
Carradine will fair no better in the rematch.
After the victory, Walker decides to go pick on some more aging Asians
and is soon beaten lifeless by a "Mr. Miyagi."
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RESPONSE OF THE WEEK (ROTW) (tm)
This one will be won easily by the grasshopper. It's all a
matter of chemistry. (And after spending approximately three hours in a
college chemistry course I am, technically, an expert.) The mixture of
Garlique and Rogaine hypes up Caine to the point where he is having
tie-dyed flashbacks of his mentor streaking Woodstock, the Woodstock
25th anniversary "We are still alive and didn't die of overdoses like
you expected" reunion, and Game 3 of the NBA finals. Here is the
chemical formula for all who are interested.
Ga R(a) Li (q)U E(u) + R(h) O Ga I N E(u) = H Y P E(u) D(y)
3 2 1 6 3 4 2 3 1 3 3 1 3 5 3 3
(All of you chemistry whizzes can check my math, but I assure you it's
correct. I AM an expert.)
Caine's new epileptic abilities will enable him to overcome the
age difference and Walker will be bleeding in 63,994 places before he
can say, "The Hero and the Terror." Then Caine will have a flashback.
Caine: Why do you always call me "grasshopper?"
Mentor: Here, take a hit of this.
Caine (takes a hit): Woah, I AM a grasshopper! and you're a
Mentor: Yes, young talking grasshopper, with hours of
meditation and plenty of this stuff you will be opened to
many universal truths.
Caine: Hey, look! Janis is on stage!
Mentor (takes off his clothes and runs away): Wheee!!!
We come back to Rogaine Caine and Walker: Texas Pansy. Walker is
stunned from being hit over 63,000 times. Chuck hasn't been hit that many
times in all movies combined. So this, combined with the fact that he has
already beat this old fart in "Lone Wolf McQuade" will be enough to give
him a heart attack. Caine of course, takes advantage of his opponent's
convulsions to gag and tie Ol' Chuckie to a chair and make him watch all
his old movies. Chuck then realizes that his best movie was "Firewalker."
He cries before he comes to grips with starring in "Top Dog," "Sidekicks,"
and "Hellbound." Then he quits showbusiness and becomes a motivational
After Caine wins, Walker's cousin, his girlfriend, Caine's old
mentor, and those guys from MTV's "Buzzkill" get high and streak the
- Some Dork
ROTW (tm) Silver Medal Winner (tm)
Walker does one of his spinning, double-back, pike, triple twist, let me
show every in the bar how bad I am kicks. He misses of course because
he's drunk and lands face down in the street. Caine has a flashback and
thinks he's fighting against Sylvester Stallone in Death Race 2000. He
steals the nearest car runs over Walker who is still lying on the ground
yelling "help, I've fallen and I can't get up". Caine writes down 50
points and rides off into the sunset, end of story.
- Dale Lewis
ROTW (tm) Bronze Medal Winner (tm)
Quite simply put, Caine has a mental advantage over Walker, Texas
Stranger. Even as he sizes up his opponent, Walker will be overcome by a
wave of confusion. Is this guy Oriental or not? Kwai Chang sounds
Oriental, but Caine is decidedly Anglo. Further, his appearance borders on
being Oriental but still leaves enough room for uncertainty. Kind of like
Michael Jackson, but I digress. As Walker is trying to sort through all
this uncertainty to develop a plan of attack, Caine lands a patented "Boot
to the Head". As you may know, the "Boot to the head" technique was
popularized by the Canadian comedy group "The Frantics', as they explored
the martial arts discipline of "Tai Kwan Leep". The Frantics, who reside
in Toronto, would gladly share their secrets with Carradine, er, Caine, as
Kung Fu: The Legend Continues is also filmed in the Greater Toronto Area.
After the initial "Boot to the Head" is delivered, things continue to go
Caine's way. The "garlique" that he is tripping on causes Caine to break
with convential fighting ettiquette, and he throws a handful of sand into
Walker's face and then summarily bludgeons him into submission with his
flute. Not a pretty victory, but a victory nonetheless.
- David Nelson
Ok, let's be realistic for just one minute (tic tic). Chuck Norris is a
REAL karate Champion. David Carradine, although a REAL karate expert, is no
champion. He can kick the dents out of garbage cans, but would never enter
the ring with an Olympic gold medalist.
Now that we're done being serious ... Jack Daniel's (tm) will off set
Rage (tm). That will also even out the whole unconscious brother vs damsel
in distress syndrome (besides, the slut is secretly doing Chuck behind the
woodshed) (His name is Cordell? CORDell? What about Wood Chuck or Woodchuck
Walker throws the first blow. A grand John Wayne styled (tm) punch,
pulled all the way back and let fly all the way through Caine's breast box.
Caine let's out a "woosh". The garlic blinding Walker and sending him into
a coughing fit only time or Vicks Formula 44 (tm) will cure. Meanwhile
Caine is kicking the shit out of Walker. Soon. Walker seems to have had
enough. Caine, being the good guy and Karate Monk he is offers his hand to
help his defeated foe up, with the intention of brushing him off and sending
him packing ... when BOOM! Walker, being the Texan he is, kicks him in
the "not so mentionable in prime time" place. Doubled over and wheezing,
Caine flashes back to when his Master told him that being a monk meant
"NEVER HAVING SEX"!!! and he passes out from a combination of pain and built
up sexual frustrations. Walker gets the girl and heads for the a fore
mentioned woodshed with another bottle of Jack.
Caine will destroy Walker before the first minute is over. Caine has
the backing of "the Ancient", but who does Walker have? A big pick up
truck? Even if Walker manages to smash Caine's face in (unlikely),
Caine will feel nothing. His careful regimen of PCP over the years
(along w. the kids from Escape From Witch Mountain) has numbed his
nerves so that he feels no pain. Caine will quickly hook up with the
Ancient in some sort of dream state and vaporize Walker's soul.
I'm from Texas, and I know there's no place like Garlique... ...even Kwai
Chang Caine(?) knows not to buy stuff from New York City (or wherever they
squeeze the snot out of those little cloves of garlic) so this whole fight
would never happen.
Walker, Texas Ranger (tm), (r), (c) ... will stomp the "tar" out of Mr.
Carradine's alter ego. After all, "One Riot, One Ranger". Why, even that
fake ex-Cowboy that Walker lugs around could beat up on Caine; he's old,
slow, and barefoot. One stomp from a boot and Caine's doing the Miyagi
Crane Hop without the concentration.
I mean, come on, did you ever see anybody try to kick Caine with a cowboy
boot? There were a few attempted "stompin's", but those were by big ugly
irishmen and germans. A Ranger will just apply leather to Caine's nose
and that'll be all she wrote!
I'd go on, but since Walker's coming on and my VCR is taping the new
adventures of Xena, Warrior Princess i've gotta go...
The only way that Caine could beat Walker nowadays is if the fight were in
slo-mo. Caine couldn't block a punch from China O'Brien (watch those
fight scenes closely to see the film sped up!), let alone a Texan with an
attitude. Walker, Texas Ranger is suppose to be the most violent show on
the tube. Can the peace-loving Caine compete against that?
- Bryan M. Ball, University of New Hampshire
Simply put, Walker will cower before power of Caine, backed by the
strength of the United White Guys who Play Asian Roles, the well-known
trade union headed up by Carradine and Lee Van Cleef of "The Master."
- Matt Geis
-- Now, to be honest, as a Kung-Fu(tm) fighter myself, i would side with
carradine any day, but there are real reasons for this decision. I have
seen Walker: Texas Ranger only a few times, and, even though he wins, he
always gets hit a lot. You see, since he is the good guy, he would have
to win. In real life, he would fall to the ground bleeding profusely.
And besides, you know that art he made up, what was the name of it
again....i think it was Cock Suk Do ("The Universal Way") (Yes, i know
that he did some Tang Soo Do a long time ago, which is half Kung Fu
anyway, but that is beside the point). i mean, come on!
Walker gets my vote. He's on a big time TV network, while Caine is
relegated to syndication. And let us not forget that Mr. Norris has his
own brand of jeans designed real special-like for the boot-wearin',
line-dancin' kung fu bumpkin, so all Steve's s peechifying about Walker's
pants ripping is a crock. Back in his heyday, Caine hung out with mellow
buddhists. Meanwhile Walker appeared in films such as Good Guys Wear
Black, doing flying kicks through the windshields of speeding cars. There
really is no contest here.
Walker will pull out both his six guns and fill Caine with holes, but OH
NO! it's just a flashback Caine. So Walker will resort to his fists and
feet and stomp all over Caine again, but OH NO! it's yet another flashback
Caine. So Walker will summon his last burst of strength and wrestle his
opponent to the ground and SNAP goes the neck. But we've cut to
commercial and Walker has actually snapped Candace Bergen's neck. (A
victory for us all, yes, but alas not the one Walker needs.) When the
real Caine finally arrives, Walker will be spent and Caine will have no
trouble with the tired Texas Ranger.
Thought I'd get my 10 cents in.
- Stuart Baum
Our combatants first take each other's mettle. Walker hits Caine with a
spinning kick, only to find the old man suddenly gone, and a pair of
outstretched thumbs plummeting toward his eyes, nails glistening with the
faint imagination of blood and "eyeball juice" (tm). Walker throws
himself into a highly implausible backward dodge, his jeans not ripping,
but flying away from his body, unable to contain such sudden movement.
Seeing Norris, pantless, all the urge to fight goes out of Caine (like it
would with most people seeing anyone wearing, as Norris is, his official
Joe Namath Netted Slingshot Briefs (TM)). Norris has an extra throw him
another pair of jeans, his weathered features examining the old man, who
is obviously fighting down the urge to vomit, Zenlike detachment or not...
- Thomas Wilde
Granted, if Chuck Norris and David Carradine were to fight, Norris
would win. Norris is bigger, younger and has more experience in
non-Hollywood fighting. However, your hypothetical question was not about
Chuck and Dave. You asked whether an aging, half-drunk, Texas hick could
top an aging, sober, shoalin monk. Both are getting pretty old so I will
leave the age issue out. I believe Caine would kick Walker's
Wrangler-clad can for two reasons.
First, Walker just had more than a few whiskeys. This may lead Walker
to believe he's indestructable, but in reality, he has become a slow, cockey,
idiot. Sure, Caine just got jacked on a little bit of garlic, but I don't
think a pesky little boner would do much to distract him.
Second, Texas Ranger or no, some loser cop with a little martial arts
training under his belt is no match for a Shaolin master trained under the
harshest circumstances from childhood.
- Russell Miller
I think this a fairly simple quandry to solve.
Both fighters utilize some flavor of Martial Arts (TM), which have been
developed in Asia. Since Caine is suppose to be from China or Tibet or
somewhere where it is acceptable to make young boys shave their heads
and wear robes, he has the cultural advantage.
Another disadvantage to Walker is his whole Texas Ranger Schitk (sp? &
TM). All he wants to do is free the west, chew tobacco and watch Nascar
Racing (TM). His mind will not be on the battle at hand and he will get
his ass kicked for him.
Come on! When has Caine EVER used a gun? He's never even touched
one, except to kick it out of some thugs hand. On the other had, Walker
relies on his gun all the time, only resorting to hand to hand combat
when he loses his gun. Besides, Caine is a monk. They're ALWAYS
smoking, inhaling, or injecting some wierd drug or herb into their
bodies. For all we know he's pumped on garlic juice constantly. It'll
go something like this...... <"Kung-Fu" Flash-back noise>
Walker, being the gun master that he is, will draw his gun with
amazing speed for a drunken derelect. Caine, moving slowly and
with simple grace will kick the gun, breaking several of Walkers fingers
in the bargain. Walker slips into his "I'm a martial arts guy" pose,
and kicks dust into Caine's face. Caine recalls a story told to him by
his old blind master, about fighting in a dark cave on a moonless night,
and that sight is the deciever of the senses. Then, a blinded Caine
proceeds to rip Walker into pieces in slow motion.
After that, he dances away, off into the sunset. The fair maid is
so impressed, she drops the Walker boys who can barely do the Electric
Slide, even though that requires only a drunken stupor, and follows
Caine, another "Kung-Fu" Groupie.
- Aaron Petry, Ohio State University
Walker will win because of four little words: Chuck Norris action
jeans. They're the ones made with some percentage of spandex.
- Darlene Windsor
Regarding Caine's age. How old is Carradine now, 5000? He's so old that
UPN(tm) made an incredibly terrible remake of his "classic" show, Kung
Fu. He's so feeble i find it hard to believe he can even hit the toilet
when he pisses in the morning.
One more "sad movie" note: It was David's brother, Robert Carradine, who
played Louis in Revenge of the nerds 1 and 2, along with the straight to
Fox classic, Nerds:the next generation. If david isn't shamed into
submission by that excuse for a career, then maybe he really can win. But
it doesn't matter, because Norris is still somewhat young and has an
incredibly promising career in front of him. He's about 50 now and he has
his own action show. I don't see Caine doing any acting at all, despite
how obviously poor it would be.
- Cory "Norris kicks ass" Strand
Walker sees that Caine is in one of his flash backs and decides to take a
roundhouse cowboy boot kick at Caine's head and misses. However, the
momentum pulls him into Caines flashback. Dizzied, Walker shakes it off
and finds himself standing in the Master's flowerbed.
Though the Master is spiritual and not usually one to anger, he's already
miffed because Caine won't leave him alone, popping in on him without even
calling first (and he's gotten a little grouchy in his old age!). Seeing
Walker in his prized flowers pushes him over the edge. The Master
commences to beat Walker to a living pulp with his pinky and his big toe.
Caine, seeing this, takes the opportunity to give Walker a couple of good
bare feet to the worn side of Walker's jeans (if you know what I mean).
Beaten to submission, Walker begs to leave the flash back, but Master
won't let him leave unless he can pluck a stone from his hand. Master
asks "Grasshopah" what lesson has he learned from this to which he
replies, "Sitting in lotus position much betta than standing in Master's
lotus field." "No!," says Master! "Tip-toe through my tulips and your
two lips will taste my big toe!"
Caine comes out of his flashback and is the winner by default.
The fight goes to Kung-Fu, in about thirteen seconds when Walker tries to
execute a double spin leg high (akeru toru auchh) kick and splits in half
from the balls upward.
- Carlo Dezerega
When Caine bows to his opponent in respect, Walker meets the gesture with
a cowboy boot to the head, followed by a brutal beating usually seen only
in the much prayed for last few minutes of an episode. Caine responds in
his typical manner, i.e. falling into a flashback seizure. The meat of
the fifteen minutes oriental bull is the wonders of a candle's flame.
Caine, inspired by his master's wisdom, takes out his handy Bic and
incinerates Walker whisky soaked clothes. While Walker writhes in agony,
the Grasshopper philosophizes on the great mystery of life, namely that
both of these hacks got their own shows. Ultimately he decides that
"Walker, Texas Ranger" is the type of sludge that USA just loves to
syndicate, and so he he puts Walker out of his misery.
- Chris Bisbee, Cal Tech
Caine, using his mystical Kung-Fu shit, kicks Walker's ass. Now, if Caine
were Vietnamese, we'd have a different story...
- Constantino Tobio, Jr, Columbia University
Caine will win. Any white guy that can fake being a Shaolin priest and his
own great grand son can't possibly lose. I mean, even the first Caine
could kick the ass of any 12 Texas Rangers at a time (and often did).
Caine's caning will put Walker in a walker.
- J Patrick Hester
Originally Bruce Lee was going to be Caine. Thus Caine has the martial
abilities of Bruce Lee, not those of David Carridine. So we now see that
Caine, even while garliced out, is three or four times as fast as Walker
ever was. If there is any doubt of the outcome, Lee destroyed Norris in
"Return of the Dragon" and Caine, fighting for honor and not revenge,
would easily emerge victorious!
- Craig Denison
Caine is out of his league on this. I can't recall any instance of Caine
fighting a cowboy who knows how to use kung-fu. He always fights some fat,
overweight slob. His flashbacks, a help when fighting such opponents, will
hinder him against Walker. Walker,(Norris),on the other hand, has fought
the best. He got his ass kicked by Bruce Lee in a duel in the Roman
Colosseum, but Lee was the best.
While Caine is flashing back to the blind master, (who would truly be a
more formidable opponent for Walker), Walker would plant a cowboy boot
heel to his forehead. Caine would continue his flashback, but now in a
state of unconsciousness, without having struck a blow.
- john duncan
Oh you can tell these guys are old... I mean look at the names...(a)
Caine versus (a) Walker... Sounds like they both just broke their hips
Walker squirts ben gay in Caine's face as a distraction, but Caine fights
back as he hurls his Calaustomy bag [So I can't spell] at Walker. Walker
taken about by the disgusting act falls to the ground and lies there
yelling... I've fallen and I can't get up.
Walker and Caine square off and start circling. Then they both notice
another drunk old man walking toward them. The man notices Walker's badge
and pulls a gun. "I was promised a pardon. Now I'm gonna get it or you're
REALLY gonna get it!" he yells. That's right. It's that old man that
claimed to be Billy the Kid (I can't remember his name, so sue me) As
Walker backs away in a fighting stance, the old man yells "You're all
alike" and fires his aging gun. Walker takes six shots in the gut. As
his opponent lays squirming in his own blood, the old man holsters his gun
"I guess I'm not shooting blanks any more!"
Cain is so distracted by the carnage of his opponent that he doesn't see
a masked figure in yellow and black step out of the cloud of smoke from
the pistol's discharge. The figure only utters three words "GET OVER
HERE!" Caine splutters as a sharp pointed object sprouts from his
chest. After pulling the washed up warrior closer, the masked figure
removes his mask and incinerates Caine.
After the smoke clears and the blood drips into the storm drain, Bob
Walker picks himself up off the ground and leaves with his date.
- Cory Davis
I'm with Walker as long as Cain's son doesn't show up and ruin everything
like he always does in that terrible TV show Kung Fu.
- jesse abraham
An old martial artist myself (and marital one, too), I must say that the
more artful way of beating someone senseless is with the force of their
own blows. Kung-Fu dudes can do this. They can actually re-direct a
punch back at the loser who threw it before the poor fool even knows it's
coming. It's like getting a letter from the bank: you never know what it
is, but you're pretty sure you're not gonna like it.
Karate guys, on the other hand, simply like to kick the ever-living crap
out of people, without much thought for strategy. This is why Walker is
toast: He's mad. Mad people don't think. People who don't think
typically make BIG mistakes. Caine isn't mad, he's simply hopped up on
Garlique (TM). He also started the whole thing, which pretty much tells
me he has a plan. People with plans have strategies. Strategies are
typically designed by people who think. If you have a thinker versus a
non-thinker, the thinker will win every time.
So, while Walker is "walking" (sorry, couldn't resist) into this battle
in a blind rage, Caine (and let's face it: have you ever seen Caine
really MAD?) is calmly contemplating which bone to break first, and
which way would require the least amount of effort.
Caine. Hands down. Walker: buh-bye!
OK, i did vote but it was tough picking who was the bigger loser of the
two. I went with Carradine only because i have managed to stomach some of
"Kung-Fu" and none of "Walker Texas Ranger." Personally i think that if
these two met in a match they would both die of systemic heart failure
before they could properly do injury to each other.
- Quinn Barreth, University of Alberta
It's not a matter of which style of martial art is better. Pan-Craze has
shown us that any style can kick butt when used by the right person.
Walker may have Rage(tm), but Caine has Breathe(P.U.). Walker won't be
planning on Caine to be tripping on Garlique. At the quantity he
consumed, no living being can stand up to the "grasshopper." With Caine's
first breath, Walker will be sobered into the horror of what he's facing.
As he attempts to flee, Caine slurs out, "I hate those LSD flashbacks,"
and knocks Walker out cold with the stench (as well as several
by-standers). As the sun sets, we see Caine walking on the side of the
road, understandably alone again!
It'll be Caine by a burp!
This is a non-contest. Caine specilizes in making western hicks look like
fools. Walker _is_ a western hick. Walker will have a face full of
manure with in 15 seconds.
"Walker" is the stiffest actor I've ever seen. He can't even play himself
convincingly. I don't know why bad acting means he should get his butt
kicked, but it feels good to tell someone how bad Chuck really is. In
real life, Norris would kick all the Carradines' asses at the same time.
Maybe that wouldn't be all bad.
I must in good conscience side with Brian on the outcome. Walker
would eventually pulverize Caine. For my decision I needed to define a
critical parameter which would make the match considerably less lopsided.
Although Caine is much older since he first set foot in the desert, he
isn'’t the Caine portrayed in the recent TV series. Else he would have the
magical powers endowed by UPN due to low ratings. He could have defeated
Walker using any number of transdimensional mind powers.
Both combatants are shocked immensely at the abilities of their
opponents. But they don'’t display this emotion. But Walker does come
close to an emotional display when he lands a multiple kick slap that he
loves to perform. Instead of Caine buckling under the force, he backflips
away. Walker shakes his head in disbelief. Caine is tougher than the dude
in ‘Silent Rage’ In ‘Silent Rage’, at least the opponent died a couple of
seconds before coming back.
Caine has a flashback - “Remember Grasshoppar, to go for the
jewels is to be without honor.” Caine hesitates with indecision. Waler
sees his opportunity and he plants a cowboy boot in the back of Caine’s
bewildered mouth. The spur catches on Caine’s wisdom teeth. He passes out
with visions of a sunlit waterfall and a voice, “You still suck
Grasshoppar. We should'’ve never let a half breed into the monaster.
"The ox is srow, but the earth is patient." Crear-ry, Caine is most
thoughtfur of plesent day kung fu mastas. His moves are consistent and
without mistake. He has comprete glasp of both snake and wandeling camer
(defensive) technique and is the betta wallia. Texas langa must rook for
success somewha otha than fighting Caine.
- John Burton
This one is so simple it is stupid. Caine beat out Bruce Lee for the show
'Kung fu', probably catching Bruce on a bad day or something. Bruce,
however, killed old Walker there in 'Return of the Dragon' at about the
same time. Object lesson, if one guy managed to put one over on Bruce,
and the other tried and was left with a broken neck...I think we know who
is going to win.
Caine in under a minute off camera, or in a prolonged 20 minute fight
- Nic Morgan
The reason for Caine's victory is simple, really. Those flashbacks
aren't just seen by TV land loving folks and Caine himself, but by his
enemies. That's why he always wins, his foes are, like most "Kung Fu,
the Legend Continues" viewers, groggy and drowsy. So, it happens like
this: Walker strides up in his hip, tight jeans and 20 foot boots and
ridiculous hat. Suddenly, he sees 24 bald kids eating beans, and
learning how the bean is to the oak tree as the stick is to the rock.
While Walker tries to shake off the dizzies, Caine tears him into
pieces before going to work of Walkers horse.
- Sam(uelsson) Russo
I am not much of a Walker: Texas Ranger fan, but I do know what Caine can
do. At first, the cliche bar fight breaks out and Caine defends himself
without really hurting anyone. Through the dust he sees Walker and
flashes back to his childhood. He is in a meadow with his brother. They
are trying to catch a butterly. He sees a familier glint in his eye and
remembers that this man that stands before him is his long lost brother!
Walker notices this and is too taken aback to fight... That's where he
goes wrong. You see, as a young boy, Walker allways made fun of his
brother and some say he even touched him behind the woodshed. Caine has
not forgotten and does not want this to get out. While Walker trys to hug
Caine, Caine kills him quickly with his Dragon Suprise (Pantent Pending)
END OF STORY, Short and sweet.
- Gary Greenberg
Does anybody actually watch these shows?
It all comes down to experience, fellow grudgers. Caine was wiping the
floor with human punching bags when Walker was fighting to get out of his
diaper. It doesn't matter who stronger, better, or faster. Caine knows
every trick in the book. Hell, he wrote the book and left the best moves
out so losers like Walker wouldn't hurt themselves trying to learn them.
Caine in 3 rounds. (His honor prevents him from simply pulling out
Walker's heart in front of the lady.)
- Robert Lamm
There is but one simple reason that Caine would defeat Walker. Caine
spent two or three television seasons filming his series. The evil empire
of Hollywood couldn't defeat him and niether could any evil old west
scum-bab (tm), so why could we even fathom the thought of a U.S. Marshall
doing the same. Remember, this is a man who defeated a gatling gun twice,
broke into a fortified fort and brought men to justice for stealing the
chalice of a holy man. God is on Caine's side even though he is a
buddest. Caine has karma, while Walker well.....well his hair is nice.
- Eric K. Goodnight
Why Caine? you ask. Because the guy is immortal. KUNG FU was
originally set in the late nineteenth century or some damn thing, and
now he runs around modern-day America, still kicking ass and selling Tai
As for Walker, Texas Ranger, stop for a moment and think about what he
has to deal with: drunk rednecks in Texas! I'd like to see him step
off the bus in New York, where Caine lives (OK, it's actually Toronto or
Vancouver, but let's play along): Texas would look like a model of gun
control in comparison. He wouldn't make it out of Grand Central Station
in that "Midnight Cowboy" hat!
- Scott M.
Walker hands down. When was the last time Caine actually hit anybody?
All he does is slow motion tai-chi. Caine is so doddering and pathetic
he has to fight spirits since flesh and blood foes would kick the snot
out of him. Well Walker doesn't deal with etheric figures or vanishing
wizards.. he beats the crap out of real, live evil-doers.
Come on !!!! How can you believe for a second that an old hippie can beat a
old TEXAS. Everyone knows that TEXAS is the best state in the union. They
were their own damn country !!! Walker (TEXAS RANGER) could kick the butt of
any garlic-eatin, grasshopper-callin, no-beard-growin hippie. Oh yes, and
dont let me forget to mention, that Chuck was a actual kick boxer champion.
Not like ole grasshopper, who just played one on TV. Even if ole
Grasshopper got him in a bind, the crowd would yell "DONT FORGET THE ALAMO
!!!!" or "DONT MESS WITH TEXAS !!!" or "IF YOU LOSE, ANN RICHARDS WILL BE
GOVERNOR AGAIN !!!" or another rousing campaign slogan, and Chuck (who would
be spitting out tobacco at that time) would open his can of "Ass Whoopin" !!
Logically we all know that the one who gets beaten up worst in the first
5 minutes of the fight will be the eventual winner.
I beleive that the Garlique will bother Caine a lot more than whisky
would ever bother Walker, so Caine will lose at first, but after the
Garlique has been beaten out of him and into 2 or 3 flashbacks Caine
will become supreme, besides I have watched more episodes of Kungfu
(proper and pathetic versions) than I have ever seen of Walker.
This is a no-brainer...
Has anyone ever seen Chuck Norris's very young, very blonde wife?
If Walker has the same stamina as Chuck Norris in real life, Caine's
deep-thinking butt will be kicked before Walker breaks a sweat.
-Milton C. Johns
Caine would win by a landslide. First of all, he has generations of highly
trained focused thought. Secondly, he truly follows and respects his
martial art heritage.
Walker hardly respects his training or body. He's lucky he hasn't already
punched his own ticket with his self-inflicted physical abuse.
Also, Walker (AKA Chuck Norris) brutally lost to another Kung Fu master,
Bruce Lee, in the move "Enter the Dragon." Perhaps he can only hold his
own against drunken brawlers with no martial art skill.
Even if the battle tipped in favor of Walker, Caine has his son deeply
nested in the police force. Walker, on the other hand, has made no honest
effort to gain the respect or friendship of his fellow or commanding
officers. If Caine drops to the floor, Walker would be sprayed by police
bullets from both sides.
Caine would be peacefully meditating over the day's events later that
night. Walker would be soaking his woulds at the local tavern and wishing
the day had only been a bad dream.
Carradine is a loathsome, egomaniacal kung-fu flunky. At least Norris is
playing with a full deck of 52 who knows his rightful place in this world.
o Carradine was the bok-gwai who displaced Bruce Lee in "Kung Fu". OK, so he
was a starving actor (not a kung-fu master) looking for a break, however...
o Carradine "starred" in "Circle of Iron", a rip-off of Bruce's never completed
"The Silent Flute". To add insult to injury...
o Carradine proclaimed "when Bruce died, his spirit went into me. I'm
o Norris was pounded by Bruce in "The Return of the Dragon".
Egomania does not serve one well in a martial arts battle. Carradine deserves
and will receive utter humiliation. With any luck, the kung-fu masters will
"enter" Norris and end this tiresome Carradine charade with a "vibrating palm".
I believe it inevitible that these two Masters of Spiritual
Combat join forces and vow to defend the backlots of the world. For
me, thier best works are Death Race 2000 and Missing in Action
II...the realism is scary.
But if the battle went to the death, my money would be on Cain.
If David were to harness, or even to tame the Power of the Garlic
for a split second, who knows what dimension Chuck would sublimate
into. I hope we never find out
You're kidding, right? Everyone knows Carradine doesn't really know
any martial arts...IT'S FAKE! How else do you explain the fact that
he's actually able to connect with one of those pathetically slow kicks
of his? The closest he's come to martial arts is playing a few rounds
of Street Fighter 2 Deluxe Championship Special Repackaged Edition.
Norris, on the other hand, is an undefeated karate champ, who, if you'll
remember from "Return of The Dragon" went one on one with Bruce Lee.
Caine will wind up with one of his slo-mo kicks. Walker, having a good
minute to minute and a half before it lands, goes back inside, finishes
his whiskey, then comes back out to deliver a spinning roundhouse to
the decrepit Caine, shattering the vast majority of Caine's skeletal
structure and connective tissue. Caine then lapses into a flashback
of Master Po smacking him silly for eating egg rolls in his room.
Walker wins in 1 minute, 31 seconds.
- John J. McCulloch
Walker's jeans won't rip, because about 10 years ago, in Black Belt
magazine, Chuck Norris was the spokesman for these new karate-style
jeans that allow you to do high kicks without ripping.
As for the outcome, I used simple logic:
1. Bruce Lee beat Chuck Norris in "Return of the Dragon"
2. David Carradine beat Bruce Lee for the "Kung Fu" series.
3. David carradine beats Chuck Norris.
OR, we could use theme music logic(tm): If it's country, Walker
If it's that Chinese wing-wang crap, Caine wins.
OR, if we use WWWF Logic (tm), the outcome is more like this:
Caine:" You should know, I studied under the great Shambala masters
Walker:"Well, I studied under only 2 masters:SMITH & WESSON!!!"
Walker loses by association. As any baseball fan could tell you, the
Texas Rangers have a long history of looking good, starting the
season out strong and challenging for the American League West
championship, only to suffer a couple of key injuries and the
traditional late season collapse. It won't be any different this
time. Walker starts with an impressive display of martial arts
prowess, putting garlic boy on the ropes. But just as he goes for
the kill with the "Remember the Alamo" Kick - *AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!*
- the Texas Ranger pulls his groin and passes out from the pain. Mr.
Walker wakes up the next day in the hospital with a bag of "get well"
fortune cookies, a massive hangover and eight games behind the
- Paul Golba
If you liked this match, check out these other past
Jean Claude Van Damme v. Steven Seagal
Pee-Wee Herman v. Gilligan (in a bloodsport)
Orville Redenbacher v. Colonel Sanders
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