Imhotep vs. Moses: Even more responses

Ah, those cooky biblical figures and their sha-nana-gins. Back in my day, when we wanted to free our people from bondage to an evil ressurected mummy brought foward in time over 3,000 years, we had to walk 15 miles in the snow to get there! No shoes! Uphill both ways! And we didn't have any of these fancy shmancy Devinely Granted Powers neither. When God gave us a heavenly mandate from upon high, we did it with nothing more than the sweat on our brow, and we liked it! Burning bush? Phooey! We were lucky to get an unusually warm weed. Stupid kids and their plauges, how am I supposed to read my paper with this consarn darkness cast across the land?! Why I outa give you a taste of the back of my hand, you youngin, Ill show you...::Shakes cane menacingly:: That'll show ya...Now what was I doing? Damn, where's my medication....

- The Telletubbie that didn't make it. (damn P.C., anti-child sacraficing network executives...):
Hell's Doorman

Imhotep than begins to laugh so hard the ground shakes than says with a smile on his face "You have no power old man, I am not as foolish as Rammes and I'm not as easily swayed into doing something I do not want to do." "Well than Imhotep, you truly are as foolish as my stepbrother than, for now you will feel a power greater than YOU fall upon you and break you" Moses said bitterly.

With that said, Moses raises his staff and says "Behold, a force greater than you." Suddenly, a lightning bolt strikes before them appears a muscular black man clad in gold chains and leather. "I PITY THE FOOL WHO MESSES WITH MOSES!"

It was Mr T, the undisputed champion of Grudge Match. "Do you relent now fool? If you don't, T's gonna throw you helluva far" T said with great anger in his voice. "Yuh yuh yuh yuh" was all Imhotep could say because he was paralyzed with fear of this warrior. "STOP YOUR GIBBER JABBERING FOOL! YOU GONNA GO BACK TO THE GRAVE OR NOT!?"

With that, Imhotep got angry and said "No, you go to the grave." With that, Imhotep transformed into a great wave of sand. At that same moment, Moses waved his staff and the wave fell back and Imhotep transformed back to his human form. "No tricks Imhotep, your gonna get thrown" Moses said with a slight smile on his face. "No, No, NOOOOOOO! NOT AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!" Imhotep yelled pleading for his life. "I pity the fool who acts like a wuss." T said and promptly picked Imhotep up and thrown him so hard that when he hit the ground, he went through the ground and back into the underworld where he forever must suffer Anubis's wrath for squandering his army and messing with Mr. T.

- Mike999

This match was rigged from the start,by voting against Moses,it would mean voting against God..thats a guy you don't want to piss off.

- Morbid-Harbinger of Doom(pissed about being posted in only 2 matches)

The Wrath of God vs the Wrath of the Mummy. Hmmmm? Lets see Ihmotep can turn into a tidal wave, Moses can part the sea. I see it as if Ihmotep does turn into a Wave Moses can just karate chop him in half. Moses wins.

- -Mengrui

Why, for God's sake WHY would they make a second "Dudly Do- Right" movie?!?!

- Rainwoman

Well, isn't that a sign of the Apocalypse? - Eds.

If you've read your Ten Commandments, you will know that God is a Jealous God (no graven images and all that jazz). You saw the two Mummy movies. You saw the hotties Imhotep was getting, both in the past and in the...current past. Yeah.

Moses is on a mission from God. Not only to free his people, but to smite the guy who is getting one too many cuties.

- Peter Smith

Moses lived to be what, ninety years old? This in a time when people were married at fifteen and dead before forty. That's more than twice the average life expectancy. It would be like someone living to 250 today. With that said, Moses must be immortal. Chances are, he's been alive all these past millenia, fitting in and waiting for another shot at adventure. Nobody is going to stop him now that he has another pharoah to pick on.

- The Voice of Reason

Actually, according to the Bible, Moses lived to 120. - Eds.

The most important thing to remember with a situation like this is the popularity factor: (basicaly) Who is more popular? Imhotep or Moses?

Sure kids may dig the bad-ass devil may care distructive attitude of Mummy Man now, but how about. . . next week? Imhotep has to smell what the Rock is cookin' now (i can't beilive i just said that). Merchandise, apperal, whatever. The Mummy probably won't return. Moses will be popular FORVEVER! He's in the Bible, Sunday school, Church, that anoying game Rod and Todd like to play. Everyone knows the old dude with the beard (no not the guitarist from ZZTop). Moses has the Pop Culture Icon status that Imhotep will possibly never attain.

Lon Chaney has already garnered that title from when he portrayed the Mummy back in 19-blah-blah-blah.

And we musn't forget the Christians and the Jews - Christians love to place importance and meaning in figures and stories (or is that the Catholics?). And Jews never forget anything, granted they have every right to be pissed off over WWII but they will drudge up anything of disrespect that the Egyptians have done to them personaly.

Plus they have the unfair advantage of Steven Spielberg, who would happily make another trite and asinine film staring a weepy eyed (non- Jew) Tom Hanks that concerned itself with matters that would bore the Hell out of God Himself. So with these two factors behind Moses - Imhotep doesn't stand a chance. ( Stevie would like to thank the Acadamy in advance: "My Canada sized ego would like to take responsibility for saving the world".)

- The Avon Lady

You forget to mention the great equalizer sitting in an army vault in Washington DC waiting to be called upon by Moses in this struggle. I am of course speaking of the Ark of the Covenant. The Ark is the proverbial Steel Chair(tm) of the biblical world. Ihmotep, despite all his power, will destroy himself using the ark like the nazis before him or he will be destroyed when Moses hauls that beast into Jerusalem and lets loose the destructive power of a vindictive God.

And God would be truly vindictive. The first commandment clearly states "Thou shalt not worship any gods before me." By building temples to himself in Jerusalem, Ihmotep has probably committed the worst violations of this commandment ever to be recorded in thousands of years of bibical history. If building a temple on the Temple Mount does'nt bring the Hand of God(tm) crashing into Ihmotep's skull, then Moses is already dead.

- Spartacus

How many crappy sequels to the Bible has Moses been in? That's what I thought, and that's why he wins.

- Lavode

Here's how I see it happening, Moses quickly realizes that God is no longer on his side, seeing as how the deity frowns upon the NRA (Thou shalt not kill?, Exodus 19:13), however, Moses, fast thinking prophet that he is, quickly comes up with an alternative strategy. Pulling some strings with acquaintances in the Screen Actors Guild (namely threatening to release Planet of the Apes 6: the Quickening and/or Plan 9 from the Planet of the Apes), Moses manages to assemble the worlds foremost team of anti-paranormal-phenomena-people, the Ghostbusters. This team of Grudge match veterans will proceed to make mystical mincemeat out of Imhotep by using the tried and true method of crossing the streams

Moral of the story: Guns don?t kill mummies, nuclear-powered-ectoplasmic-obliterator doohickeys kill mummies.

- Squidman

This boils down to the power of GOD (tm) vs. the power of CGI special effects (tm). God has been around a lot longer than CGI, however, He also shot himself in the foot: see Numbers 20:12 "The Lord said to Moses and Aaron, 'Because you did not trust en me enough to honor me as holy in the sight of the Israelites, you will not bring this community into the land I give them'"

This is the problem: GOD HAS FORBIDDEN MOSES FROM ENTERING ISRAEL! So Moses will have to stand on the border of the Holy land shouting "MY Dad can beat up YOUR Dad!" to Imhotep. If Imhotep answers the challenge, he's a pile of ash in fourteen seconds (see Numbers 16:35, 49, and a lot of other parts of the Old Testament), but if he doesn't, Moses will have to send his protege, Joshua into Israel to whip Imhotep's a$$ like a red-headed stepchild.

- robbb

Imhotep came back from the dead at least twice.
Moses got lost for 40 days and 40 nights in the desert.

IF Imhotep can find his way to the land of the living from the land of the dead and Moses can't find his way from Egypt to Israel, all Imhotep has to do is take a vacation somewhere (Greece is nice this time of year) and Moses will get lost quicker than Clark Griswold in the next National Lampoon's Vacation Movie (let's hope for everyone's sake it takes place somewhere remote - like the Moon. Of Pluto.)

End result, Moses hitches a ride with Odysseus and end up paying exorbitantly once landing on Jamaica to regroup at Hedonism 2. Once there, they lose the will to travel any further.

Wouldn't you?

- Hurricane Andrew

Imhotep vs. Moses, there's no contest. First of all Moses has all the connections, being a close personal bud with 'the man' alone ensures his sucess. Imhotep couldn't even pull off the plauges in the right order, let alone finish what he started with the whole 'death of the firstborn' thing. Speaks of a pretty weak staying power as well as a lack of general cultural literacy if you ask me. Lastly all it would take was one chariot race to determine who was the best. After all, Imhotep has a pretty bad record when it comes to chariots. First there was that little midnight jaunt throught the desert to ressurect 'beloved.' That turned out real well- couple thousand years of scarab-eaten 'juicyness' wouldn't lessen the sting of that little defeat. Not to mention having your soul carted off by a demented charitoteer and taken to the nether regions for a couple more rounds of fire and brimstone. All Moses would have to do is strip off that robe revealing his nicely toned body(hey wandering in the desert carrying those tablets had to build some fine shoulders and legs,) strap on his Star of David tm. and kick some mouldy mummy ass. Who would you cheer for opressive, meglomanical god-wannabe with a bad track record or our humble homeboy Moses? After all Ben Hur put a serious slap on Messala, the finest charioteer in Rome. I'm going with the rugged man kicking ass in God's service.

- Stephanie Jeansonne

I't dosen't matter what magical powers both of them have. (as always) it all comes down to who has more mony (the most powerful superpower of them all):

Imhotep appears in a movie series that made (and will made more) almost a billion of dollars world wide. however, as a villian he must get only about 3-5% of the whole sum.

Moses is one of the main heros of the best selling book in the history, plus- he stared in at least two major movies. the guy is rolling in cash- he can buy and sell the whole army of Anubis and he'll have enough left to buy the "Mummy" franchise and cancel Imhotep for good.

- blindrhapsody

This contest comes down to one question: Whose Deity is stronger?

For help, we turn to our guest analyst and professional pain-in-the- donkey, Harlan Ellison. He provides us with the following quote:

"When belief in a god dies, the god dies."

Imhotep is a priest of the ancient Egyptian pantheon. Worship of those deities was largely rooted out by the Greek empire, the Roman empire, Christianity, and Islam. For over 2,000 years there have been only a handful of followers of the ancient deities, who have preserved the old ways only so that they could counter any revived evil priests. And they apparantly can't even do that.

Moses, OTOH, is a prophet of a deity whose primary worshippers number in the low MILLIONS. If you count the Jews and then add the Christians and Muslims (who all technically worship the same Deity), the total is in the neighborhood of a cool billion. Moses speaks for a Deity whose worship is large, and in charge.

Result: Moses in eight days. After which he tears down the statues, and renovates the Palace of Imhotep into the Third Temple.

- Cube Farm Boy

Come on Okay, can I get a hand from everyone who likes getting hit by lightning? lessee, you, you, you, you, you, annnndddd you.

Huh, just as I thought, all the people who voted for IHMOTEP not to mention the geniuses who thought he had enough of a chance to win.

Let's look at the facts shall we?

1) Moses is backed by the Head Honcho of three (count 'em, one, two, three) major religions: Christianity, Judeaism (I think I spelled that right, anyway...), and Islam. He's also got both Jesus and Mohamed( if they don't try to kill each other{"I'm goin' to HELL for that one......and you're ALL comin' with me" - Dennis Leary}), gabriel and his horn, a HUGE army of followers, and the Jehovah's Witnesses and the Mormons ( and beLIEVE me, if the U.S. Government can't get of those two cults, NO one can).

2) Ihmotep isn't even backed by any gods. Ra, the Egyptian sun god, wouldn't touch him, because he killed one god (the Egyptian Pharohs were considered gods, by the way), and tryed to kill the flunky of another( the Scorpion King, owned by Anubis), And since Ra is the Head Honcho of the Egyptian gods, none of the others would Dare insult him by siding with this god killer (come to think of it, would YOU mess with a person that would kill one your people just to cool his heated loincloth? wink wink).

3) Moses isn't exactly a pushover himself. Even in his old age, he was in better shape than most people are today( he lived to be over a hundred, afterall), besides I'm sure he still has Aaron (his brother- in-law) around to help him out with the snake staff.

4) Anck Su Namun, his bride-to-be betrade him once. Even if he's to blinded by his gonads to see that she'd do it again for her own sake I'm sure as heck not!

By the way I'll accept any responses to my response at

- Bradley " I won't be struck by a lightning bolt" Reedy

No contest! Imhotep in the first round if not sooner! Moses has crossed God one to many time and will recieve his divine punishment. He first was a slave owner for the first 16-odd years of his life, having them follow his every whim without a second thought. When he did take his head out the sand, he murdered an egyptian that was beating a slave. He ran away and knock up the daughter of a village priest. When God talk to him directly, he refused to go and free the slaves until God raised his voice and threaten him. Once the slaves were free, he proclaimed that he has the power of a God by striking a rock and letting water flow. Murder, slavery, sex outside of marriage, claiming to be God? I wouldn't be surprise if a lighting bolt strikes his ass before he enter the ring. He's not going to just die, but by the hand of Imhotep and his armies, suffer a thousand deaths. God has a lovely sense of humor!

- Johnathan Montalvo

And lo, Moses smote the ground with his staff. And the Lord opened the heavens, and a Plague of Kittens did come forth. Thus, did Imhotep turn and flee like a little girl, and neither his sorcery, nor his weapons, nor even his poorly-rendered CGI special effects did save him.

And yea, verily, all the little children did play with the kitttens. Amen.

- Phil

If it all comes down to the wire, Moses can just use his connections with the International Jewish Banking Conspiracy™ and bankrupt Imhotep's little army of the dead (Replacement bandages and bone reattachment for an army of mummies and skeletons isn't cheap!), or his connections with the Hollywood Jewish Propaganda Conspiracy™ and get Imhotep fired and replaced with Ramses II, and we all know how THAT battle goes.

- Talain, Wonder Jew Extrodinaire


Its this simple...the whole "All roles and Allies" clause.

Scene One: Imhotep's Palace.

"Let my people go..."

Imhotep sighs, "Please, we've been down this road before..."

Moses' eyes narrow, "Release them…or I make you an offer I cannot refuse."

Imhotep looks out the window...

Scene Two: The Armies

The Egyptians believed in multiple gods, the minute Imhotep started with Moses, he pissed off the entire Christian AND Jewish religion… AND the Devil, because as we all know, only HE is allowed to taunt and be Devil's Advocate(TM-Its part of his name) to the Good People of the World(TM), and he won't let anyone on his turf.

A holy unholy alliance was forged, for the first time since...never mind. Angels with flaming swords and Barrels of Ye Olde Smite Ass(TM- God) descend upon the Anubian hordes along with the Denizens of hell. Within the conference room, Moses has gotten Imhotep in a headlock inside a conveniently placed wrestling ring...when the real shock troops of Heaven and Hell arrive.

Straight from hell, its a force clad in dark suits, The IRS, on Death's Leash (I.E. the Death vs. Taxes Match), flanked by thousands of Demon Lawyers fall upon the Anubian Warriors like a plague of locusts o'er the land. They are followed by Those-Who-Shall-Not-Be- named-That-Get-Pissed-Off-At-Everything-From-Harry-Potter-To- Schoolyard-Dodge-Ball ("IT EMBARRASSES THE KIDS! they get Teased and Laughed at!" my ass).

Scene Three: Back to the Mano e Mano Duel

Moses is in trouble on the inside, Imhotep's girlfriend hit him in the back with a steel Throne, knocking him off Imhotep and onto the Ringside seats. Imhotep slams him into the dirt and throws him back into the ring, going for the pin.

This could be could all be over WHEN...


Last called in by heaven during Dogma(TM) to hunt down a pair of rouge angels, Jay and Silent Bob have arrived to kick some heathen ass.

Silent Bob flies down from the Rafters in Batman Costume ALA Mallrats (TM), slamming Imhotep into the corner of the ring as Jay pulls his Bluntsaber, Bisecting Imhotep's girlfriend. (It is said that The Rock wished to take part in the battle, but it was noted that the author did not know him well enough and did not wish to incur the wrath of the Fanboys…[Scorpion King reference])


Meanwhile, outside, Heaven and Hell's armies are in danger, the Anubis Warriors called on the power of Computer Animation ™ to form into…UberMechaAnubis WarriorThing. Smacking around Angels and Demons left and right…when low and behold, religion and SCIENCE actually agree on something (Dear GOD!!!) SOMETHING…THAT…LARGE…CANNOT…EXIST. The UMAWT collapses under the sheer power and force that is Common Sense.

As this happens, Imhotep feels the force of the until now unheard of 11th plague, the "You can take your sword, turn it sideways, and SHOVE IT UP YOU'RE A-S plague (SO the Scorpion king, pissed at losing his army DID show up…)

The victorious armies go home, and make it a point to never talk to each other again (Except when the Good/Evil power struggle is going on.) And few would acknowledge that Moses managed to win thanks to the Supreme Deity factor, despite Imhotep's Double Babe Factor ™ (BOTH MOVIES!)

Signing off, This is David, Master of Disaster who knows where his Towel is. (Elapsed Match Time: 1 hour, 30 minutes, with 3 hours Previews and 6 hours credits (That's a lot of saints n' martyrs and ahems.)

- David, Master of Disaster

We could debate _skills_ all day, but we all know the key to a real winner is their style. let's compare....

Weapons: Imhotep has a spearthingy and something that's trying to be a double-headed axe. hah. that can't even begin to compare with a staff that can turn into a snake with the help of cheesy 50's special effects.

Clothes: Imhotep has what, a loin cloth? Please! moses kicks ass in this catagory too, with his Jewish cloth made by his mommy. (awww) Then, there's the most important factor, hair: Imhotep doesn't even have any! Moses has God as his personal stylist! every time he visits the local burning bush he comes back with a crazy new due.

It's clear Moses has the charisma and the look to match. Imhitep won't be able to resist his charm, and the people'll be free in no time.

- Me

You have GOT to be kidding me. Forget Death Star v. Enterprise, forget Simpsons v. Anyone, THIS is the biggest mismatch in WWWF history. Moses is beneath such a pitiful opponent.

Why, you ask? Well, let's see his opponent. Imhotep. Hah! You know who Moses beat last time around? Ramses. That's right, Ramses, one of the greatest pharoahs of all time. Not only that, but Ramses was Moses's adopted brother. Now, take away that strong family connection (they were close-so sue me if my source is The Prince of Egypt), then strip away the military might of Ramses, and you get Imhotep.

At least he has cool parlor tricks, like the four-foot mouth. Better to swallow the plague of locusts flying in. Moses isn't gonna fight one-on-one. That's suicide and it's also not his style. Nuh-uh, Moses is gonna bring the Plagues. Thought Imhotep's scarabs were creepy? Watch as Moses brings about more fearsome plagues than before, like the Plague of Lawyers, the Plague of Joel Schumaker Films, and the Plague of Really Bad Things. Let's see your super rubber mouth beat that!

But, worst of all for the poor Pharoah, he's fighting a religious figure. Not just any religious figure-THE religious figure. Judaism, Christianity, Islam-they all three love this guy. He's a hero, a man of God/Yahweh/Allah. Now, with those three religions, you got most of the world. And they're all backing Moses. Thought the Hebrews were tough? Try them and their goyem friends, then see what "tough" is. Imhotep just wasn't thinking this through. Moses in 7 Plagues, but then the entire world wanders through Canada in search of a new Promised Land. Where, you ask? Well...that's another story.

- Devin The Mental Hospital Escapee (heck, even Devin v. Brendan would be closer...)

Of course Imhotep got defeated by that kid. His Dad is George of the Jungle - and well-meaning idiots ALWAYS win at the movies.

But that's all moot, because as soon as Moses goes to walk off, God will smite him because he travelled to the Planet of the Apes and supported Darwin's Theory of Evolution. The All-Seeing God has probably been waiting for a chance like this.

- Mixmaster Flibble - next match: Illusionist(s) of the Year Award: Penn & Teller and Jesus each get twenty minutes to strut their stuff

Moses may have the leading edge by a rod. Imhotep was actually an architect of Pharaoh who lived hundreds of years before the pyramids were built. He planned the "first" pyramid, which had several levels stacked on top of each other like pancakes. But maybe he has the leading edge, because there is proof that he lived, while Moses could just as well have been invented by some Jew in the 8th century BC. So Imhotep opens his mouth like he was a snake god of some kind and swallows the probable figment of imagination called "Moses"

- Nando Rivero

It has been argued that a character's inherent coolness can be derived from the amount of letters in their name... Thus Mr. T (One letter) is the Ultimate in cool, and should always win... Thus it looks like Moses has a clear win... but wait!!! he is backed by the one called I AM Clearly a being so increditably cool as to need NO letters in his name is the ultimate in coolness trumping even the great Mr. T!! And seince this is back when he was dropping miricles all the time, Moses sudenly not only surpassed Mentos (tm) level coolness, but Arnold Schwartezenager-level bad-assness!! Imosable you say?? Not for I AM WHO I I AM!!

- Nobody (fan of minimal letter names)

It depends. Is this the Imhotep from the movie or the cartoon?

If it's the cartoon one, then he has it in a bag. Not only does he have the allegience of at least something from every known mythology, but he has the voice of the narrator from pokemon. Scary.

If it's the movie one, then his only asset is the ability to over-use special effects.

- Antidisestablishmentairianism

Guys, your point is moot. By the time Imhotep actually gets around to world domination, he'd be dead in Egypt. How? Egyptian cuisine.

Seeing as how the Egyptian pound (Egyptian currency, boys 'n' girls) is as healthy as a leukemia patient, I bet that the cash with Ol' Mummy is about as useful as sugar to a diabetic. If he feels hungey, he'll have to walk into a local snack stall in downtown Cairo. And the food will kill him.

I have an arab friend of Egyptian origin, who invited me once to traditional Egyptian food. I thought we were going to have shish-kebabs. Shish-kebabs are a turkish invention, as I learned to my deepest regret. The food I DID get was something my Americanized stomach couldn't handle.

My friends, there's bad food, there's bad Indian food, and then there's Egyptian food. There are dishes of mashed BROILED broad bean with a John Goodman-sized dose of garlic, a side dish pickled eggplants, and God knows what else. Seeing how imhotep was a nobleman in the times of the Pharoahs (probably imported his food), I don't think his stomach is up to it...

On the other hand, Moses, who led his people in the wilderness, is probably used to roots and shrubs, as well as whatever non-poisonous mushrooms he could find. By the time both get filled in anticipation of the match, Imhotep's stomach contents destroys him in an atomic mushroom cloud, or otherwise incapacitates him with the torturous pain. Moses, with a little sour wine to wash it all down...

- The Colonel

Alright, the key to deciding who wins between Moses and Imothep is the plagues. Whoever controls the plagues has got the edge, which mean moses has got to pick up the win.

Showing my extraordinarily high level of geekocity, I have to point out that Imothep only had control of the plagues when he was resurected by the book of the dead, in fulfillment of the original curse placed on him after suffering the hung di. After being resurected the second time, he was still powerful, but the power to use the plagues had been lost to him.

Moses on the other hand, as the originator of the plagues never lost the power to use them, since they were bestowed on him by the almighty Lord, and because he kicks ass.

Even the army of anubis isn't going to be able to withstand all of the plagues. The locusts are going to give them enough of a hard time. Have you ever had a bunch of locusts on you scratching away? Not cool man, not cool.

- the baron

Brendan Fraser has one of those "is he cute enough to make up for wooden acting or not?" vibes going on, but that's neither here nor there.

My first instinct is to vote for Moses, but Paul's delerious ramblings are a definite turn-off. I'll have to figure this one out for myself with... the Anagram Exam!

Out of MOSES comes: E MOSS. This, like e-mail, is an improvement on the original. It is the integration of human technology with the power of the natural world (thus creating an unstoppable juggernaut).

Out of IMHOTEP comes: MOTH PIE. Ewww.

If I remember my Bible rightly (and I don't), the Israelites chow down on locusts and honey. Outcome: Moses eats Imhotep for breakfast. Go Yahweh!

- bobbe

Disregarding the whole plagues thing. I mean, they can both summon plagues, right? So what can one do that the other can't?

Imhotep: Can turn himself into sand.

Well, this explains his aversion to cats. We all know that cats dig fresh earth. This power is one step up from being able to turn yourself into cat litter. The ability to get into sandwiches and ruin picnics the world over is not that great an advantage.

Moses: Can turn his rod into a snake.

When the Pharaoh's magicians do the same, his rod eats all theirs and grows bigger. Do we really Freud to be make sense of this for us?

The battle will be long and indescive, it is swayed when Osama bin Laden takes the opportunity to destroy yet another American landmark. Unfortunatly he over-judges the ammount of C6 needed and propels the stucture into orbit. Minutes later it crashes down onto Temple Mount. Imothep is entombed beneath it. Moses escapes to gaze in wonderment at the Statue of Liberty.

Moses on a technicality.

- Wilphe

The key to this Match is the relationships between the Champions and their Gods. Is this a showdown between deities using quasi-mortal pawns? Is this the earthly incarnation of a heavenly battle already fought? Or do the Gods have anything at all to do with this?

The premise is that Imhotep, heading the Army of Anubis, has conquered Israel. What does this tell us? First and foremost, that he has militarily defeated the Israeli armed forces. Despite their arsenal of state-of-the-art armor, air power, and arms, despite their excellent training and motivation, despite even their nuclear stockpile, the Israelis have gone down to a bunch of jackal-headed man-beasts wielding axes. Why?

Possibly because Imhotep is backed and funded by the pantheon of Egyptian Gods. Their divine powers are the source of Imhotep's own, and make possible the animation of so much black sand into an invincible army. But why would they do this? Certainly they can't be too fond of Imhotep. Not only is he a thrice-trounced loser, he has manipulated the magic of the Egyptian Gods for millennia for selfish ends, and defied the laws of life and death integral to Egyptian religion. Even Osiris himself, when killed for the second time, respected the these laws and stayed dead. Furthermore, the only times we've witnessed what may be the Egyptian Gods' powers with respect to Imhotep, they've been hampering his efforts: stripping away his powers as he faces the Scorpion King, hauling him off to the Land of the Dead, etc.

"But wait," you may say. "Those acts were impartial - the Gods were responding to the call of magic through whoever held the Book of the Dead." Indeed it does seem that the "Gods" hand out magical effects like candy to whomever chants the right verse. Which leads me to believe that Imhotep is not backed by Egypt's Gods, but simply wields vast magical powers through mastery of a long-lost art. We have no real evidence of the existence of these Gods, so Ocham's Razor dictates we assume they do not exist.

What about Moses then? Does Yahweh exist, or does Moses simply command some power of his own? One could argue that the Bible is not reliable proof of His existence, that it was composed by Moses and his cronies in the Old Boys Club of the ruling Jewish Patriarchy to keep their people in line. One could argue that Moses commanded magic almost identical to that of Imhotep, causing massive weather disturbances, calling swarms of animals to his bidding ... that he was simply an heir to these magical traditions. But why, then, did the escape from Egypt turn into such a horrible debacle? Why did it take them forty years to walk what T.E. Lawrence covered in just a few days? Obviously, whatever had been behind their success abandoned them.

It was the Hand of God, ushering them out of Egypt, only to subject them to new miseries. Yahweh is self-admittedly a jealous God, and clearly didn't want anyone inflicting harm on the Jewish people other than himself. For whatever reason, despite naming Jews his chosen people, God seems to have it in for them. The Roman-induced Diaspora, centuries of scattering and persecution, pogroms, the Holocaust, the evil that is Manishevitz ... maybe He is into abusive relationships, or maybe He just wants to continually test them. Who knows? The bottom line here is that a modern state of Israel was not according to His plan, so He let Imhotep smash it.

However, He can't very well allow the Mummy to live forever and rule mankind. It would threaten to undermine His base of believers. So He has sent Moses to defeat Imhotep and "free" His people. Which is bad news for everyone except the Palestinians. Moses is going to channel God's wrath and smash Imhotep and the Army of Anubis, then promptly lead the Jews to freedom. Considering past performances, no doubt God will see to it that this entails a convoy of SUV's perpetually stuck in traffic on the Los Angeles highway system.

Summary: Moses defeats Imhotep - Israel renamed Palestine - 43% of Israelis move to Utah and convert to the Church of Jesus Christ and Latter Day Saints.

- Joel the Gosarian


- Fish

"So," you're probably saying, "if this big-shot award-nominated writer's so good, he ought to have a really brilliant response for this match." Of course I do.

Recognizing the great importance of writing{preen}, I sought to judge the winner by who has the better writers. Imhotep has a small phalanx of Hollywood hacks re-writing each other, the typical movie arrangement these days. One would assume that Moses has better writers--it is the Bible, after all--but how many versions and translations of the Bible have there been throughout the millennia? Just like Hollywood. Egad. We must look elsewhere for enlightenment.

Who has better weapons at his disposal? Imhotep has sandstorms, tidal waves, zillions of scarabs, that big-mouthed scream he loves to do, not to mention various big, sharp, and nasty weapons. Moses has those famous ten plagues(though a few, like the plague of the firstborn, are unsuited for close combat), that parting ability to clear a path through the scarabs, plus a staff that turns into a snake, which would probably be even cooler with modern CGI effects. And he could just brain Imhotep with one of his tablets. An edge to Moses, but it's within the statistical margin of error. Too close to call.

Age, maybe? Nope, they're both over 3000 years old. What's a couple of centuries either way?

Okay, one more try. Let's look at their accustomed opponents. Moses is used to facing--and beating--who? A bronze-skinned Egyptian potentate partial to golden idols, with a shaved head and a paramour whom he thinks is helping him, but who ends up being more trouble than she's worth. Sounds to me like Moses is in his element.

And who is Imhotep's usual foe? Brendan Fraser--whom I would like to thank for donating so many IQ points to the rest of the gene pool, so that millions of others could be just a little bit smarter. And he lost to this guy. Twice! Imhotep may be powerful, but he is a serious underachiever, and he is in for a Royal Smiting™.

Go down, Moses, and kick his butt.

- Call me Shane

Im going to have to go with moses in this one. The man wandered the desert for 4 decades. This is a man whos in it for the distance. Hes a fighter. As for the army of anubis of course no modern army could stop them. Look at who took them out in the movie, An ancient army. What surviving race is older that the hebrews? Plus the fact that centuries of ritual circumsision in the genetic memory has taught these people how to make a blade do exactly and only what they want. I can not make that clear enough, ONLY what they want.

- ex agent

If you're all trying to attone for the last grudge by voting for Moses you better line up Joseph, Abraham, and Jesus cause you aren't done yet

- evrwrldBB


Ihmotep faces his bristly opponent. As they begin to circle one another, Moses smiles to himself. Flinging his staff at Ihmotep it suddenly transforms into a monstous cobra! Ihmotep dodges and then dispatches the cobra as every good egyptian child knows how. He throws the limp body back at Moses taunting "is that the best you can do?"

The snake turns back into a staff and Moses strikes the ground, causing water to shoot from the stone floors of the temple. However, the bad guys faced water in the Mummy Returns, so of course the method will fail.

Ihmotep begins wading through the water, frustrated that his new drapes are ruined. Moses again calls on the Miraculous(tm) and parts the waters...oops. Given a free path Ihmotep delivers a quick one- two combo from his obvious martial arts(tm) knowledge. Moses, hip broken and with a concussion lays on the floor, groaning. Ihmotep drags the remains of this once great religious hero to his throne/alter. Pulling Moses to his feet, he prepare to Eat-His-Head (as he had planned but unfortunately failed to do to Brendon Frasier) when Moses plays the last trump: PRAYER, and the knowledge that The Guy Upstairs is listening.

LIGHTNING-FROM-HEAVAN strikes down. Ihmotep, being of a later era than Moses as well as not showing his age nearly as badly, is inevitably taller. Physics dictates he will recieve the brunt of the assault, while Moses' Beard(tm) and Robes(tm) absord the rest.

Dusting himself off Moses hears from above,"Will you people ever learn to just ASK!?!?"

GOD, and therfore Moses, in the sudden death lightning round.

- Lee "I got the Funk"

I give this match to Imhotep. Why? Because as any WWF fan knows, bald guys are the best wrestlers. Look at Austin. Look at Hulk Hogan. Look at Keiji Mutoh. Bald men are better at wrestling, and wrestling is the guy's ballet of life, and I'm a guy. No way Moses can compare with that logic.

- Notum

Moses has this one in the bag, and here's why:

It has already been proven that Moses can block out the sun for a city (We here at the Mountain Fortress believe this is evidince that Moses, not Mr. Burns, was the inventor of the sun blocker). One look at Imhotep's picture will show you that his power comes from the solar cell he calls a head; remove his energy source, and he shuts down like the competitors' products from those goddamn Energizer commercials.

Just in case Imhotep has a flashlight to keep himself going, Moses has one more trick up his sleeve. If you look at his picture, you see him executing it: the awe-inspiring "look over there!" manuever. When Imhotep is distracted, Moses yoinks the flashlight and rewrites the commandmants 11-15 on his decayed corpse.

- Dr. No

I mean, COME ON IT'S CHARLTON HESTON! Whn combining his expert knowledge of firepower, his ability to call in legions of backwoods, swamp-wading Zeks, Jeds, and Jebediahs (being the head of NRA n' all), and just being the quintessence of power that Charlton freakin' Heston is, it should be clear. AND HE HAS GOD. I mean, the man took on Egypt in it's prime. And when a nearly invincible undead deity that can create thunderstorms and continental enema-sized tidal waves lets a thawed-out Neanderthal kick his ass, you can assume you've found the missing Stooge.

- Jollypoorman, a.k.a. impcflanky

Given the nature of the combatants, let us begin with a bit of scripture:
So Moses, servant of the Lord, died there in the land of Moab as the Lord had said.4 34:6 He5 buried him in the land of Moab near Beth Peor

Deut 34:5

Now, what does this make our competitor? Could he merely resemble Moses? No, for you see:
No prophet ever again arose in Israel like Moses

Deut 34:10

So it must be the real one. Now, this offers two possibilities: resurection and time travel.

Now, resurection is strictly a divine power, and (as has been observed) G-d would have no difficulty eliminating Imhotep, so in this case, Moses wins easily. Time travel is a more varied power, but it exposes Imhotep's traditional weakness: he can be harmed before he resureccts his army! Anyone capable of bringing Moses into the present day can also go back and strike Imhotep three weeks before.

So Moses wins either way. Is anyone really surprised?

- --Deut 35:1

old testament poem

1:1 Imhotep came to Egypt, put the people in a bind.
1:2 Unfortunately the Israeli's drove him out of his mind
1:3 Moses came along and brought his buddy "plague"
1:4 When Moses came his demands were very vague
1:5 "Let my people goeth or else u will feeleth my wrath"
1:6 Imhotep just snarled and created a sand storm in Moses' path
1:7 But that was the end of Imhotep as his head was blown away
1:8 The day was saved by Moses' gun, dont underestimate the NRA

- denial (sounds like the river)

"Let my people go!"

"You are rash to come here alone and give such orders."

"I do not come here alone. With me," Moses gestures towards Aaron and Miriam, "are my brother and sister. Leave this land, for our God can destroy you utterly."

The familial support does not impress Imhotep, who stands and thunders a response to the ridiculous threats: "I will accept no bull from your house!" (Psalms 50:9). Now, while the guards deal with you, I must continue researching my 'Thundercats' video archives for my next confrontation. Mumm-ra must have some weakness!"

At this point Yahweh becomes not the X-Factor, but the Only Factor. Without God, Moses is just a grumpy old man with a snake up his sleeve in dire need of Toastmasters (Ex 4:10). I mean, look at him. Are we to believe he can part the Red Sea by himself? He can't even part his hair! Does he have the support of a deity who tried to murder him in his sleep? (Ex 4:21-6)

While I am uneasy about challenging God's messengers (classic Far Side cartoon: "Now, wait just a minute. How do we know you're the real Angel of Death?"), my initial reaction is doubt. God told Moses he'd never visit Canaan after the rock-fountain incident, so the three Levites would be standing alone. Further, one method God uses to punish His Chosen People for transgressions (such as electing a war criminal as Premier)is to send in foreign invaders like the Assyrians or Babylonians. If recent Israeli actions have angered God, or even Moses, this is why Imhotep is there as proxy.

However, I then looked a little deeper. The Pentateuch describes seven separate instances in which disobedient Israelites infuriate Yahweh so much that He threatens to whoop one member, a faction, or the entire nation with snakes, quakes, plague, fire, etc., but stops when Moses intervenes and appeals to God's mercy. In four of those cases, the celestial smiting is already in progress. So, it seems safe to assume that the prophet was able to commute Israel's sentence yet again, and The Great Popeye (Ex 3:14-5) has now sent him to end it. Any mummies who stand in the way will have their pyramids TPed with their own burial wrappings.

- Matt Bricker ("Much study is a weariness of the flesh." (Eccl 12:12))

Imhotep was not the Pharoh, just the court wizard (Jafar). Moses was a poor peasant (Aladdin) with a powerful force (Genie) helping him. Both of them struggled against the ruler of the land (the Sultan), and were in love with the ruler's property (Jasmine). In the end, Moses triumphed with help from his staff (Abu and Carpet), while Imhotep was imprisoned in a dark tomb (lamp).

Therefore, either Moses (Aladdin) wins and grudge-match gets sued by the Disney Corporation (Evil). Or Imhotep (Jafar) wins and Israel (Movie-going children) are dissapointed (Plot changed enough that Disney can't sue).

Given grudge-match's history of integrety (Rainman vs. Forrest Gump / Ray Charles vs. Stevie Wonder) I'm guessing the mummy wins.

- Ann O'Neamus

I have heard that you can judge the strength of a man by the calibre of his enemies. So when I look at these two combatants, I ask myself "Which one pissed off a bigger guy with their crap-ass film?" One one hand, Imhotep was the star of "The Mummy" which must have had Boris Karloff rolling over in his coffin screaming, "Doesn't 'copyright infringement' mean anything these days?" and gouging out his eyes and ears so that he doesn't have to comprehend Brendan Fraser or Arlo Vosloo acting.

On the other hand, Moses of "The Ten Commandments" has managed to piss off the almighty God with his "biblical spectacular". Somewhere in the heavens, The Alpha and the Omega is looking down and bitterly swallowing the fact that his holy book is being represented by the head of the NRA, not to mention Edward G. Robinson (who the hell made that casting call?!?)

Bigger enemy: Karloff or God? I'm going to have to give the "Ballsyness Award" and the win to Moses.

- Kairo

Well, I know most people are probably thinking, "Hey, Moses is good and Imhotep is bad. Therefore, I think I shall vote for Moses" Unfortunatly, if you interpret the events of the bible in a specific manner, you come to unprecidented conclusion that Moses was actually a terrorist!

Now, hear me out.

We know that Moses appeared and demanded the freedom of the Israelites, who at the time, were an oppresed and enslaved people. Of course the one fact that is frequently left out of this tale is that, apparently, the Israelites themselves were slave owners. So this in of itself adds a new perspective to the whole story.

More to the point, what exactly did Moses accomplish? He destroyed the crops and livestock of Egypt( the various insect and animal plageus, as well as killing all the fish), he poisoned the water supply(turned them into blood), spreada hamrful biological agent (the plague that gae the people of Egypt boils and sores) and slaughtered innocent children (killing all the first borns of Egypt)! And what do we think of when we think of Moses? We think of him as a hero, and a true servent of God.

Of course another aspect of Moses' life that is often left out is the fact that he disobeyed God's own commandments. Remember the one about "Thou Shalt not kill"? Well, after bringing the commandments down from the mountain, Moses actually did kill several people. I believe it was for not accepting the word of God, however precise details as to his motivation escape me at the moment.

So there you have it. As bad as Imhotep is, Moses may have been even worse!

Of course if there is a God, then I am probably going to hell for this. Oh well.

- Anonymous

Guys, for your info, I'm a moslem. Yes, I belong to that religious group that is so often and unfairly badmouthed. Let me get a few facts straight:

1. While Jihad, or Holy War, is obligatory when self-defense is necessary, we (i.e. 97% of moslems) do not - under any circumstances advocate blowing up 9-to-5'ers in buildings with 747's. My gravest sympathies about the WTC attack.

We hope such events never happen again. Unfortunaetly, we have a few crazed zealots bent on trying to prove their viewpoints by force. (Guys, we're not the only religion with such problems. As I recall, the KKK are Protestants).

2. People say we have 10+ wives each. Hell no. While Polygamy is allowed, let's say it's more of a burden than just having a harem. Look at it this way: if you Americans have problems with monogamy, imagine the poor schmucks here who have to deal with two or three! And besides, while the maximum allowed is four, most of us (again, 99%) are content with only one spouse. It's those goddamn oil emirs who're giving us a bad rep! (I guess you guys know how I feel, considering some of your own unsavory countrymen).

3. We believe in ALL three Prohphets: Moses, Jesus, AND Mohammed. We just have minor differences in doctrine, as in how and when to pray, what to eat, etc...

There, I hope I've made my point. My vote! Moses all the way! That Imhotep is an insult to history!

- The Saint


This match isn't as much about Moses and Imhotep as it's about the deities backing up each contestant. Wouldn't a better title be "God vs. His weight in Egyptian gods"?

- The Amazing Rando~!

Return to the Imhotep vs. Moses match

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