(Short, seedy looking, mustached agent sitting behind a desk, putting down his phone)
AGENT: Little Caesar's(tm) has this great new Talking Pizza(tm) deal. When you open the box, it tells you the toppings, Little Caesar's facts and stories, and can even tell you if you are the winner of their new million-dollar grand prize. But they need special voiceovers. YOU GUYS ARE PERFECT!
(switch to the three men standing in front of the desk)
Dick Vitale: I'm your man, BABY! I'll have 'em *SLAMMIN'* and *JAMMIN'* profits in no time.
Sam Kinison : NOBODY GETS MORE ATTENTION THAN ME! JUST CHECK OUT THE VOLUME!!! AAAAAUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
John Moschitta Jr. (the guy who did the REALLY fast talking on the old Federal Express commercials): ItellyourightnowthatiamthemanthatyouarelookingforIcanreallybringtheminwhenit comestobringingincustomerswithareallydistinctivevoicethattellsthemwhowhatwhen whywhereandhowtoenjoylittlecaesarsevenbetterthananycompetitionincluding...
AGENT: That was the Head Cheese. Because they have a big prize, he can only afford one of you. He wants the three of you up there right away to audition. But let me warn you, this guy knows something about voiceovers, so he's gonna be hard to impress!
(The three men go upstairs and enter the Head Cheese's office. Immediately, the sucking-up begins)
Vitale: I'm your man! I got the Force right with ya, Baby! I'm your PT Pizzeria! Pick me and IT'S SHOWTIME!!
Kinison: NO WAY! I'M THE MAN! I LOVE YOUR WORK ON CNN (tm)!!
Moschitta: IreallyrespectyourworksirIlovedyouasMufasaandwhenyoudidthatsimpsonsrendition oftheravenveryprofessionalanyonewithadvancedtastesuchasyoursMisterVadermust knowadistinguishedvoicewhenhehearsone...
So, gentleman, to what does Mr. Jones award the talking pizza voiceover contract: flair, volume, or speed?
The other two just don't have what it takes. The FedEx guy can't sell. Hell, you can't even understand what he's saying. Besides, what does an ex-delivery spokesman know about a company that won't deliver? He's out of his element. Dick Vitale would be a contender if it weren't for the Annoyance Factor (tm). Unfortunately he's like nails on a chalkboard, rivaled only by Bob Saget and Jim Henson in my Annoyance Hierarchy (tm). The outcome: AAAAAHHHHHHHH! KINISON! AAAAAHHHHHH!
PAUL: Steve, Dick Vitale may annoy you but if you attended a school with a REAL college basketball program, you might notice his near godlike status in the sports world. He is a verbal superstar. With his distinctive style and coined phrases like "Diaper Dandy" and "PT Player," people gather around the television just to hear him perform. By the time he's finished, the other two competitors will be in such awe, they will forget how to speak. As Dick would say: Cupcake City, Baby!
As for the competition, Kinison is loud but how long can he keep up the constant screaming? I give him 30 seconds before he blows out his vocal chords and can't utter anything louder than a whisper. And anyway, popularity sells, not volume. Michael Jordan (tm) sells more in a week than Crazy Eddie did in a lifetime. Kinison is not even a blip on the Vitale popularity chart. And as for Moschitta, what can you say about a man whose career highlight was The Transformers? Outcome: ARE YA FEELIN' IT, DICKY V?!! IS THAT A YES?!!
Oh, and since I may never have this opportunity again, Brian you are wrong. THPPPPPPPPPPT!!!
BRIAN: As I ignore the childish barbs of the tenderfoot, I wonder how said newbie is able to assess Dick Vitale's greatness. I thought you had to go to a school with a REAL college basketball program. Seton Hall? Perhaps you're thinking of some other REAL Big East program like Georgetown or UConn. Or Miami. Take it from an alum of the school which produced The Rifleman and Charles Barkley: Dicky V. is annoying to everyone. And so is Sam Kinison. But this is irrelevant.
What IS relevant is Mr. Jones' decision. What is the purpose behind this Talking Pizza (tm)? The purpose is two-fold: 1.) To create a gimmick which sells pizzas; 2.) To spread information, such as who wins PRIZES. Clearly, all three contestants could meet the first requirement. Mother Teresa could meet the first requirement. Talking Pizza (tm) IS the gimmick. A Talking Pizza will sell itself (hence Steve's Crazy Eddie (tm) comments and Paul's popularity observations are meaningless). But what about the second criterion? Why would Little Caesar's want to clearly express who wins the million dollars? If Sam or Dick were the voice, the pizza would yell "You just won a million bucks!" (with a "Bay-bee" thrown in if Dick was chosen). But if John is chosen, he'll speak so fast that no one will understand him (as Steve so eloquently expressed). The million dollar winner won't know he won and won't know that he was supposed to know he won: chalk up $1,000,000 in savings for that little Roman guy. Clearly, selecting Mr. Moschitta is the smartest business decision.
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So, PLEASE: no more of the "but this guy is dead" stuff, or I will be forced to taunt you a second time. -B
Mr. Kinison, your voice certainly gets people's attention. But when the winning box is opened, it would scream so loudly that everyone within three city blocks would think HE's won. We can't have that. Once one of these yahoos gets a settlement for false advertising, he'll tell his neighbor, who'll tell HIS neighbor, and so on. Each of them will take his turn in court, and I'll have to pay the settlements out of Simba's college fund. Call it the Domino effect (heh-heh). Ahem. Sorry. We'll call you if something else turns up.
Mr. Vitale, as you know, we can't give the contract to Mr. Kinison because he's DEAD!!! We can't afford to associate our product with someone who cashed in his chips before his time. It's bad for business.
You, however, have a track record of being alive. The enthusiasm that you bring to your commercial spots is just the thing we want to be connected with. Also, I thank you kindly for the offer to join you for a season of ogling college cheerleaders. It's quite a tempting offer - if you wiggle it, they will... oh let's just move on here. I'm too old for that.
The problem is, Mr. Vitale, you are bad for business in a different way. The customer will think his pizza is topped with pepperoni, baby, onion, and baby! That's not too appetizing a thought, Dick, is it? Also, you remind me too much of Yoda. I didn't like that little bastard at all...
Mr. Moschitta, nobody can give a rundown of a pizza's toppings like you. Your disabled-space-bar monotone is perfectly suited for the fast-paced service we want our product to be identified with. And your previous employment with Federal Express means that you come with the fast-delivery image already in place. We would be honored if you would...hold on just a minute, my phone's ringing.
Yes? Yes, he is. Who? REALLY?!? Well, no, we can't stand in HIS way. Just a minute, I'll tell him.
It's for you, John. It seems that someone else is desperately seeking a fast talker. Someone who can be completely honest and completely unintelligible at the same time. Do you have a piece of paper? Good. Here's the address: 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Wash...oh, you know the rest. Good luck, sir!
What? You're still here, Dick? Well, John's gone, and Sam's REALLY gone, so I guess you win the job by default. But I swear, if you say BABY just ONCE when you're voicing over the toppings, I'll can your sorry ass and give the job to Bill Raftery!
- Jeffery Fiducia
Dick's Answer: I bring big sports recognition BABY. Let's DO it, BABY!
Agent's thoughts: Gee, can this guy be any more BORING and OLD?
Moschita (the million mile per hour talker)'s answer: icantalkreallyfastandmakeeveryonebelievethatwhatiamsayingistruealthough itisntandwhocanreallyunderstandmeanywayiwouldreallymakeagoodinsurance salesmanheykidsbuytonkaminimachinecollectiblesandlinemypocketswithdirty corporatemoney
Agent's thoughts: That MAY have worked for Tonka, will it was for the skeptical American teen? NOT!
Sam Kinison's answer:I BRING EXCITEMENT baby! I BRING VOLUME! (gratutitous attention grabbing) I BRING HUMOR!
Agent's thoughts: Damn, this boy is LOUD. Just what we need to get people involved.
Sam Kinison wins the job hands down, records the messages, and gets banned by the FCC for Violence of his Voice. They make major buckolas off the Promotion and start a vocal intonation school for the deaf-mute community. (A tribute to the now dead master of raising voices hysterically who caused much humor during his short life span)....
1. Per Capita college age basketball fans and players eat the most pizza. 2. Vitale is THE VOICE of college basketball. 3. People who hate Vitale can rip and crush the box after eating the Pizza thereby releasing their pent-up frustration. 4. Vitale=Italian, Pizza=Italian. 5. Kinison was "Road Pizza"TM...not too appetizing a thought to be associated with Little Cesars product. 6. Moschitta=MO Sheeta...ugh NO THANKS!!!!- Jeff Garland
However, Mr. Moschitta has the advantage of being able to talk so fast that he can not only deliver the information about the toppings and history and facts, and whether or not you are a winner, but can also give the full legal disclaimer for the contest, all in the time it takes Vitale to say "OH MYYYYYYYYY!"
I think Sam's edge comes from his best line: "AAAARRRGGGHHHH!!!!!" The exact sound you make when pizza burns the roof of your mouth.
However, since the Big Cheese seems really concerned about money (being only able to afford one of them), he'll come back to who can give him the most words for the buck. Mr. Moschitta wins and they can save millions by reducing the chip size needed to store everything.
We're talking about the guy who released the all-time classic "10 Classics in 10 Minutes" (featuring "Moby Dick", "A Streetcar Named Desire" and "Oliver Twist" ... all in one minute each) and a 10 Minute University tape (including, among other things, the world's shortest Latin course and a one-minute verification of his own existence).
Moshitta's rapid-fire wit and wisdom is sure to impress a classically trained actor like Mr Jones (and will do so speedily, very important considering James' busy schedule ... after all, "King Solomon's Mines III" with Richard Chamberlain ain't gonna make itself). "Mighty Mouth" will beat out Sam and Dick in the all-important Concepts-Per-Minute (CPM) count and take home the franchise.
- Robin Shortt
- edward l. williams
Bryan M. Ball, University of New Hampshire
I recognize the first four, but who the heck is Steve Fisher? -Eds.
Besides which, if Kinison doesn't win, he'll kill whoever does in a cocaine-induced rage. And we all know how important RAGE (tm) is, don't we?
- Christopher Bird
And he could be put in a commercial just like John Wayne in that Miller (r) Beer commercial with the Full Metal Jacket guy. Commercials with dead guys are now in vogue.
- Steven DeVries
No, the man you want here is Dick Vitale. The guy's voice makes the fillings in my teeth hurt, it's true, but he's got so much enthusiasm, when he's dead, it'll take five years for his mouth to catch up with his rigor-mortis filled body. (It wouldn't even matter if his brain is dead, too...Dick hasn' been using it during his commentary anyway.) Besides, he's the only Italian stereotype here, to make you think of Italy and pizza and guys in togas. John Moschitta might be Italian, but he doesn't talk with his hands. As a matter of fact, when he talks, only his mouth moves--no other part of his body. Dick Vitale talks so that you can hear his hand gestures off- camera. You can hear the expression on his face as he launches into another colorful diatribe.
You know, the Head Cheese himself might not be too bad for this job himself, saving the company some dough in the promotional budget. If his were the talking pizza voice, it would make you eat the pizza with reverence, not starving hyena abandon.
Mr. Moschitta is (a) alive (b) cheap (c) experienced in the delivery game.The logical choice is Moschitta.
- Daniel A. Ritchey, Drexel University
- Zoe M. Eisenman, University of Chicago
The reason for dropping the idea completely would boil down to having to open the box. Everytime someone grabs a piece, they're going to have to hear one of these three guys. It would get old fast. Perhaps even worse would be in the morning (or afternoon, as the case may be), when someone tries to grab breakfast being only half awake and in the clutches of a hangover. Kinison or Vitale could cause heart attacks, or at least severe shock.
What about the "Pizza Pizza" guy himself (who graduated from Clemson University)? He's already on the payroll. I also hear that Crazy Eddie needs work after being busted for tax evasion (notice how his commercials abruptly disappeared from WWOR?). Of course, what can you expect from a guy who advertises on the New York Mess's channel?
- Christopher B. Nixon, Clemson, SC
- Scott Ricketts
- Don Jarvis
- Silent Bob, Grand Wizzard, Humanitarian, Great Dancer!
This match's outcome is so easy to see--John Moschitta will win for one simple reason: With a match like this one, with 3 egos like this going against each other--some type of verbal warfare will ensue & Moschitta, do to the blazing speed of his vocabulary will win.
He'll bury Kinnison because 7 out of every 10 of the words he says are George Carlin's patented "7 words you can't say on TV (TM)" & little Caesars doesn't want their new slogan to be "PIZZA F&%^#IN PIZZA!!". Vitale will lose because of the sheer fact that he went to Seton Hall. Take it from someone who goes there--it's no harvard--Moschitta will say like a billion words in a second, and Vitale (with his great Seton Hall education) will be left drooling, trying to understand this, just mumbling the words "uh, baby, yeah, etc..."
Clearly, with his one of his opponents reduced to a drooling vegetable, and the other left unusable for a number of reasons, Moschitta is the clear choice for the new spokesman!!
(seton hall's not really that bad)
- tom chansky
- Mike Rojas
- Big Mike
- Benjamin Bretz
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