World Wide Web Fights presents

WWWF Logo by Dan Willis

The Setting

Full House (tm) will return after these messages...

(Short, seedy looking, mustached agent sitting behind a desk, putting down his phone)

AGENT: Little Caesar's(tm) has this great new Talking Pizza(tm) deal. When you open the box, it tells you the toppings, Little Caesar's facts and stories, and can even tell you if you are the winner of their new million-dollar grand prize. But they need special voiceovers. YOU GUYS ARE PERFECT!

(switch to the three men standing in front of the desk)

Dick Vitale: I'm your man, BABY! I'll have 'em *SLAMMIN'* and *JAMMIN'* profits in no time.


John Moschitta Jr. (the guy who did the REALLY fast talking on the old Federal Express commercials): ItellyourightnowthatiamthemanthatyouarelookingforIcanreallybringtheminwhenit comestobringingincustomerswithareallydistinctivevoicethattellsthemwhowhatwhen whywhereandhowtoenjoylittlecaesarsevenbetterthananycompetitionincluding...

(telephone rings)

AGENT: That was the Head Cheese. Because they have a big prize, he can only afford one of you. He wants the three of you up there right away to audition. But let me warn you, this guy knows something about voiceovers, so he's gonna be hard to impress!

(The three men go upstairs and enter the Head Cheese's office. Immediately, the sucking-up begins)

Vitale: I'm your man! I got the Force right with ya, Baby! I'm your PT Pizzeria! Pick me and IT'S SHOWTIME!!


Moschitta: IreallyrespectyourworksirIlovedyouasMufasaandwhenyoudidthatsimpsonsrendition oftheravenveryprofessionalanyonewithadvancedtastesuchasyoursMisterVadermust knowadistinguishedvoicewhenhehearsone...

So, gentleman, to what does Mr. Jones award the talking pizza voiceover contract: flair, volume, or speed?

Dick Vitale Sam Kinison John Moschitta

Dick Vitale


Sam Kinison


John Moschitta

The Commentary

STEVE: Volume, volume, volume. Nothing gets someone's attention faster than an irritating loud voice. History has shown us that loud voices sell. Look at Crazy Eddie (tm) for example. He was INSANE! He yelled, he selled. Not only that, but if Sam Kinison gets to go first, the Head Cheese (tm) won't even be able to hear the other competitors. Kinison by default.

The other two just don't have what it takes. The FedEx guy can't sell. Hell, you can't even understand what he's saying. Besides, what does an ex-delivery spokesman know about a company that won't deliver? He's out of his element. Dick Vitale would be a contender if it weren't for the Annoyance Factor (tm). Unfortunately he's like nails on a chalkboard, rivaled only by Bob Saget and Jim Henson in my Annoyance Hierarchy (tm). The outcome: AAAAAHHHHHHHH! KINISON! AAAAAHHHHHH!

PAUL: Steve, Dick Vitale may annoy you but if you attended a school with a REAL college basketball program, you might notice his near godlike status in the sports world. He is a verbal superstar. With his distinctive style and coined phrases like "Diaper Dandy" and "PT Player," people gather around the television just to hear him perform. By the time he's finished, the other two competitors will be in such awe, they will forget how to speak. As Dick would say: Cupcake City, Baby!

As for the competition, Kinison is loud but how long can he keep up the constant screaming? I give him 30 seconds before he blows out his vocal chords and can't utter anything louder than a whisper. And anyway, popularity sells, not volume. Michael Jordan (tm) sells more in a week than Crazy Eddie did in a lifetime. Kinison is not even a blip on the Vitale popularity chart. And as for Moschitta, what can you say about a man whose career highlight was The Transformers? Outcome: ARE YA FEELIN' IT, DICKY V?!! IS THAT A YES?!!

Oh, and since I may never have this opportunity again, Brian you are wrong. THPPPPPPPPPPT!!!

BRIAN: As I ignore the childish barbs of the tenderfoot, I wonder how said newbie is able to assess Dick Vitale's greatness. I thought you had to go to a school with a REAL college basketball program. Seton Hall? Perhaps you're thinking of some other REAL Big East program like Georgetown or UConn. Or Miami. Take it from an alum of the school which produced The Rifleman and Charles Barkley: Dicky V. is annoying to everyone. And so is Sam Kinison. But this is irrelevant.

What IS relevant is Mr. Jones' decision. What is the purpose behind this Talking Pizza (tm)? The purpose is two-fold: 1.) To create a gimmick which sells pizzas; 2.) To spread information, such as who wins PRIZES. Clearly, all three contestants could meet the first requirement. Mother Teresa could meet the first requirement. Talking Pizza (tm) IS the gimmick. A Talking Pizza will sell itself (hence Steve's Crazy Eddie (tm) comments and Paul's popularity observations are meaningless). But what about the second criterion? Why would Little Caesar's want to clearly express who wins the million dollars? If Sam or Dick were the voice, the pizza would yell "You just won a million bucks!" (with a "Bay-bee" thrown in if Dick was chosen). But if John is chosen, he'll speak so fast that no one will understand him (as Steve so eloquently expressed). The million dollar winner won't know he won and won't know that he was supposed to know he won: chalk up $1,000,000 in savings for that little Roman guy. Clearly, selecting Mr. Moschitta is the smartest business decision.

The Results

Dick Vitale (329)


Sam Kinison (291)


Mr. Moschitta (232)

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Voter Comments

MESSAGE TO VIEWERS: Well, we warned you. The "but this guy is dead" argument is old and not in the true "spirit" of The Grudge (tm). It was funny, and even earned a ROTW, for Urkel v. Tattoo. It was overused for Sanders v. Redenbacher. But this time you guys went over the edge. WE KNOW SAM KINISON IS NO MORE!! But if he's auditioning in front of James Earl Jones, that obviously shows that we've suspended reality and he is ALIVE for this Grudge Match. If we can have Tarzan fighting Aquaman on an African beach, I think we can resurrect somebody. The vast majority of responses that used this argument were flung to the roadside like so many flattened armadillos. The handful of people that actually did something ORIGINAL with the concept (or only mentioned it in passing) had their responses included.

So, PLEASE: no more of the "but this guy is dead" stuff, or I will be forced to taunt you a second time. -B

Response of the Week (tm)

The deep voice speaks from the shadowed darkness of the executive chair...

Mr. Kinison, your voice certainly gets people's attention. But when the winning box is opened, it would scream so loudly that everyone within three city blocks would think HE's won. We can't have that. Once one of these yahoos gets a settlement for false advertising, he'll tell his neighbor, who'll tell HIS neighbor, and so on. Each of them will take his turn in court, and I'll have to pay the settlements out of Simba's college fund. Call it the Domino effect (heh-heh). Ahem. Sorry. We'll call you if something else turns up.

Mr. Vitale, as you know, we can't give the contract to Mr. Kinison because he's DEAD!!! We can't afford to associate our product with someone who cashed in his chips before his time. It's bad for business.

You, however, have a track record of being alive. The enthusiasm that you bring to your commercial spots is just the thing we want to be connected with. Also, I thank you kindly for the offer to join you for a season of ogling college cheerleaders. It's quite a tempting offer - if you wiggle it, they will... oh let's just move on here. I'm too old for that.

The problem is, Mr. Vitale, you are bad for business in a different way. The customer will think his pizza is topped with pepperoni, baby, onion, and baby! That's not too appetizing a thought, Dick, is it? Also, you remind me too much of Yoda. I didn't like that little bastard at all...

Mr. Moschitta, nobody can give a rundown of a pizza's toppings like you. Your disabled-space-bar monotone is perfectly suited for the fast-paced service we want our product to be identified with. And your previous employment with Federal Express means that you come with the fast-delivery image already in place. We would be honored if you would...hold on just a minute, my phone's ringing.

Yes? Yes, he is. Who? REALLY?!? Well, no, we can't stand in HIS way. Just a minute, I'll tell him.

It's for you, John. It seems that someone else is desperately seeking a fast talker. Someone who can be completely honest and completely unintelligible at the same time. Do you have a piece of paper? Good. Here's the address: 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Wash...oh, you know the rest. Good luck, sir!

What? You're still here, Dick? Well, John's gone, and Sam's REALLY gone, so I guess you win the job by default. But I swear, if you say BABY just ONCE when you're voicing over the toppings, I'll can your sorry ass and give the job to Bill Raftery!

- Jeffery Fiducia

The major target audience for Pizza is college-age students. Dick Vitale is revered by many of them, despised by others. Whichever side you stand on, you know who he is. Popularity sells, and Dick Vitale is sure to bring the commercials right into your face. The Big Cheese only brought in the other two to bring Vitale's price tag down. Sports, Pizza, and Dick Vitale - you may not love the match, but it *is* perfect.

- Gavin

The agent asks all three men the same question: What will you bring to my product

Dick's Answer: I bring big sports recognition BABY. Let's DO it, BABY!

Agent's thoughts: Gee, can this guy be any more BORING and OLD?

Moschita (the million mile per hour talker)'s answer: icantalkreallyfastandmakeeveryonebelievethatwhatiamsayingistruealthough itisntandwhocanreallyunderstandmeanywayiwouldreallymakeagoodinsurance salesmanheykidsbuytonkaminimachinecollectiblesandlinemypocketswithdirty corporatemoney

Agent's thoughts: That MAY have worked for Tonka, will it was for the skeptical American teen? NOT!

Sam Kinison's answer:I BRING EXCITEMENT baby! I BRING VOLUME! (gratutitous attention grabbing) I BRING HUMOR!

Agent's thoughts: Damn, this boy is LOUD. Just what we need to get people involved.

Sam Kinison wins the job hands down, records the messages, and gets banned by the FCC for Violence of his Voice. They make major buckolas off the Promotion and start a vocal intonation school for the deaf-mute community. (A tribute to the now dead master of raising voices hysterically who caused much humor during his short life span)....

- jfris

1. Per Capita college age basketball fans and players eat the most pizza.
2. Vitale is THE VOICE of college basketball.
3. People who hate Vitale can rip and crush the box after eating the 
	Pizza thereby releasing their pent-up frustration.
4. Vitale=Italian, Pizza=Italian.
5. Kinison was "Road Pizza"TM...not too appetizing a thought to be 
	associated with Little Cesars product.
6. Moschitta=MO Sheeta...ugh NO THANKS!!!! 
- Jeff Garland
This is a tough call. Sam Kinison has the advantage of being DEAD! Since Little Caesar's current campaign relies on using actors whose careers are dead, the logical followup is to use one who is TRULY dead.

However, Mr. Moschitta has the advantage of being able to talk so fast that he can not only deliver the information about the toppings and history and facts, and whether or not you are a winner, but can also give the full legal disclaimer for the contest, all in the time it takes Vitale to say "OH MYYYYYYYYY!"

I think Sam's edge comes from his best line: "AAAARRRGGGHHHH!!!!!" The exact sound you make when pizza burns the roof of your mouth.

However, since the Big Cheese seems really concerned about money (being only able to afford one of them), he'll come back to who can give him the most words for the buck. Mr. Moschitta wins and they can save millions by reducing the chip size needed to store everything.

- Perry

I grant you that Messrs. Kinison and Vitale are giants in the world of Arts and Letters, but they've got nothing on my man John.

We're talking about the guy who released the all-time classic "10 Classics in 10 Minutes" (featuring "Moby Dick", "A Streetcar Named Desire" and "Oliver Twist" ... all in one minute each) and a 10 Minute University tape (including, among other things, the world's shortest Latin course and a one-minute verification of his own existence).

Moshitta's rapid-fire wit and wisdom is sure to impress a classically trained actor like Mr Jones (and will do so speedily, very important considering James' busy schedule ... after all, "King Solomon's Mines III" with Richard Chamberlain ain't gonna make itself). "Mighty Mouth" will beat out Sam and Dick in the all-important Concepts-Per-Minute (CPM) count and take home the franchise.

- Robin Shortt

Although Moss-cheetah or whoever might be able to speak 80 mph, avoid annoying one-line tags, revive familiarity with all those kids who played with Micro Machines (tm), and manage to keep the glare off his head to a somewhat less than solar radiance, the Dickster will pull out his Ace by dedicating his performance and a percentage of his earnings (albeit .000004 %) to the Jimmy V foundation and everyone will go "awwwwww." Thus Vitale might owe the ghosts in this battle, but he'll definitely come out with an "UN bah LEEE vuh bull" victory.

- UN023327

Vitale would win simply on the annoyance factor. They're all REALLY annoying but Vitale is slightly less so. The screaming from Kinison would cause people to NOT buy it--sure, it gets their attention, but who wants that in their home? Moschitta simply talks too fast to be understood. Mr. Jones won't be able to understand a word he says, and will declare him unqualified for the job, as the ability to communicate is a requirement for this position. This leaves only Vitale, who is really an annoying twerp, but the only option left.

- mrl

Moschitta all the way. Little kids enjoy hearing funny fast talking lunatics. They will bug their parents until they buckle under the pressure and buy, buy, BUY! No contest!

- edward l. williams

Vitale is so annoying he can even break through a mute button. Case closed.

Bryan M. Ball, University of New Hampshire

Dick could pull if off on his own... but when others are brought in, things get sticky. Bob Knight, John Thomson, Rick Pitino, Dean Smith, and Steve Fisher can't resist a chance to get rid of Vitale once and for all. Knight throws a couple chairs and a temper tantrum while the other four wrestle Vitale to the ground and drag him to a dark basement to spend the rest of his days. Upon the accomplishment, they decide that no one should be able to shout louder than them, and lock up Kinison too. Moschitta wins by default.

- King

I recognize the first four, but who the heck is Steve Fisher? -Eds.

Let us look at the simplest factor here: which talkin' celebrity is most popular among America's youth and thus the best choice as a spokesman? That's easy. Kinison. After all, he's dead, and we miss him. Who the hell is going to miss Dick Vitale? Nobody. Period. We might actually hold an annual parade in his honor, right over the grave: the "Stomp On Dick Vitale's Grave Parade". John Moschita might be slightly missed by all those kids who played with Micro Machines (tm), but Micro Machines (tm) sucked. Except for the Star Wars (tm) Micro Machines (tm).

Besides which, if Kinison doesn't win, he'll kill whoever does in a cocaine-induced rage. And we all know how important RAGE (tm) is, don't we?

- Christopher Bird

You want a guy advertising your crummy pizza who can dominate a room with his very personality - because God knows the pizza sucks. So - with all respects to John Moschitta that lets him out. He can talk fast. Big deal - all that'll do is remind every guy in the country of his ex-girlfriends and piss them off and they wouldn't buy a Little Caesar's pizza if you had a topless photo of Anna Nicole Smith (tm) on the pan. So - we gotta decide between Dick "Awesome Baby" Vitale and Sam Kinison. Vitale is good - there's no denying it. But tell me the truth - after watching the NC2A playoffs weren't all of you just about ready to shoot the bastard? Enough is enough - Big Dick Vitale gets enough exposure as it is. Let him advertise a product that needs a little life injected into it. Hey - he can replace all of those retreads hawking veterans life insurance. Sam's the obvious choice. And besides - he has experience. Remember his bit? "Maybe all you people wouldn't be starving if you'd just get up and go to where THE FUCKIN' FOOD IS! OH! OHHHHHH!"


Obviously, Kinison is the man for the job. Dick Vitale is just too damn irritating BABEEE!!!! The 70's are over, Mr. Fasttalk. Your 15 minutes (or in your case, 3.2 minutes) of fame are up. And by his girth, Mr Kinison was obviously a devout pizza lover.

And he could be put in a commercial just like John Wayne in that Miller (r) Beer commercial with the Full Metal Jacket guy. Commercials with dead guys are now in vogue.

- Ito

have to go with the italian guy [Moschitta]. besides kinnison is dead, and vitale is annoying as hell for anyone except the guy who cuts classes in march to watch the college playoffs.

- Steven DeVries

I just love John Moschitta, and would not want to see him reduced to pitching talking pizza. No, he's got an important gig--as stand-in testifier for the Clintons at a Whitewater trial. Or he could do a one-man Hamlet, playing all the characters, performing the entire play during a 20 minute PBS pledge break.

No, the man you want here is Dick Vitale. The guy's voice makes the fillings in my teeth hurt, it's true, but he's got so much enthusiasm, when he's dead, it'll take five years for his mouth to catch up with his rigor-mortis filled body. (It wouldn't even matter if his brain is dead, too...Dick hasn' been using it during his commentary anyway.) Besides, he's the only Italian stereotype here, to make you think of Italy and pizza and guys in togas. John Moschitta might be Italian, but he doesn't talk with his hands. As a matter of fact, when he talks, only his mouth moves--no other part of his body. Dick Vitale talks so that you can hear his hand gestures off- camera. You can hear the expression on his face as he launches into another colorful diatribe.

You know, the Head Cheese himself might not be too bad for this job himself, saving the company some dough in the promotional budget. If his were the talking pizza voice, it would make you eat the pizza with reverence, not starving hyena abandon.

- lynnmh

Sam Kinison is dead. I don't think people would want Sam to haunt their pizza. Another point is that Dick Vitale is popular enough that he might want to be paid more than your average has-been. Also, Little Caeser's does deliver now.

Mr. Moschitta is
(a)  alive
(b)  cheap
(c)  experienced in the delivery game. 
The logical choice is Moschitta.

- Daniel A. Ritchey, Drexel University

Why Dick Vitale? Since a lot of people will think Dick Vitale's voice is really Ray Charles' ("You got the right one baybee") you get the added benefit of double recognizibility.

- Zoe M. Eisenman, University of Chicago

The best decision for Mr. Jones would be to give up the talking pizza. From the choices he has, the first time anyone opens up a box of their hot, fresh, delivered (I don't know where Steve lives, but in Clemson, SC, Little Caesars does deliver) pizza, they'll lose their appetite. Dickie V does it almost instinctively. His words are better than Dexatrim (tm). Sam Kinison isn't much better. A regular box of pizza would probably say something like, "EAT THE F**KING PIZZA, YOU F**KING LOSER!!!!" On the other hand, a million dollar box of pizza would contain a similar, and not much more positive message. As for the MicroMachines (tm) spokesman, Moschitta is just not as much a household name, so while cheaper to hire, no one would want to hear him.

The reason for dropping the idea completely would boil down to having to open the box. Everytime someone grabs a piece, they're going to have to hear one of these three guys. It would get old fast. Perhaps even worse would be in the morning (or afternoon, as the case may be), when someone tries to grab breakfast being only half awake and in the clutches of a hangover. Kinison or Vitale could cause heart attacks, or at least severe shock.

What about the "Pizza Pizza" guy himself (who graduated from Clemson University)? He's already on the payroll. I also hear that Crazy Eddie needs work after being busted for tax evasion (notice how his commercials abruptly disappeared from WWOR?). Of course, what can you expect from a guy who advertises on the New York Mess's channel?

- Christopher B. Nixon, Clemson, SC

As Sam stated so often... HE WAS MARRIED AND DIVORCED TWICE!!!!!! There is nothing that anyone (including Satan) could do to frighten the man. Period. With an Iron Will like that, even Dick Vitale's Hair Piece Baby has no chance against him.

- Scott Ricketts

Vitale and moschita (or whatever his name is) confuse each other and fall silent, Kinison starts yelling unintentionally slamming the others heads on the table in a confused rage. Kinison discovers that the room is now empty and the person doing the judging is gone. Being a comedian Kinison only acts before crowds and he falls silent. They look outside and see a croud gathered around little ceaser who is using his fighting skills he gained in the roman legion to defeat the noid. He leads the crowd inside and the croud chants "We claim this pizza contest for ceaser!" And the pizza boxes do talk, they say "PIZZA, PIZZA." as Ceaser conquers the fast food agency which he claims as part of the Roman empire.

- Don Jarvis

It's obvious that the "Head Cheese", as you call him (we call him Mike Illitch here in Michigan) will pick Dicky V. Illitch is a sports nut. He owns Little Ceaser's pizza (tm), the Detroit Red Wings(tm), as well as the Detroit Tigers(tm) (I still have yet to figure out why he made that move). Being the sports fan that he is, Dicky V. is the only choice. I think Illitch would go with a bigger name. Just look at the last series of commercials. Who doesn't know J.J. Walker, Eddie Munster, and Eval Kaneval (sp?) ????????

- Jason

I'm gonna have to go with sam kinison on this one. My main criteria is the simple fact that he is DEAD!!!!!!! Everyone is always more popular once they have died, except that guy from blind melon and the Gin Blossom that doesn't blossom anymore!

- Silent Bob, Grand Wizzard, Humanitarian, Great Dancer!

Hey guys! long time watcher, first time writer:

This match's outcome is so easy to see--John Moschitta will win for one simple reason: With a match like this one, with 3 egos like this going against each other--some type of verbal warfare will ensue & Moschitta, do to the blazing speed of his vocabulary will win.

He'll bury Kinnison because 7 out of every 10 of the words he says are George Carlin's patented "7 words you can't say on TV (TM)" & little Caesars doesn't want their new slogan to be "PIZZA F&%^#IN PIZZA!!". Vitale will lose because of the sheer fact that he went to Seton Hall. Take it from someone who goes there--it's no harvard--Moschitta will say like a billion words in a second, and Vitale (with his great Seton Hall education) will be left drooling, trying to understand this, just mumbling the words "uh, baby, yeah, etc..."

Clearly, with his one of his opponents reduced to a drooling vegetable, and the other left unusable for a number of reasons, Moschitta is the clear choice for the new spokesman!!

(seton hall's not really that bad)

- tom chansky

So of course, despite the lingering fear that the pizza will startle them in midbite with a zealous "OH BABY! YOU'RE GONNA ENJOY THIS! BANG ZOOM ZIP SHE-BANG, GREAT TASTE AT A SUPER-DUNK PRICE, BAY-BEE!" leading to the consumer biting his or her tongue....Despite this fear, the people trust Dick Vitale more than either the rotting corpse of a stand up comic or a man who has no marketable skill other than speaking so fast that he's unintelligble, something usually considered a hindrance to functioning in society. Oh baby, indeed.

- ceckert

There really is no question that Kinison is the man for this commercial. Let's look at their track record and what kind of spokespersons they have had in the past to understand why. 1. Obnoxious older people: clearly Kinison style humor, we have people near death dancing and fighting over a slice of pizza. Anyone who is hip to Sam's material would know that this is so close to plaguerism it is silly. 2. Evil Kanevil, JJ, Eddie(from the Munsters): All truely obnoxios has-beens that should have stayed in retirement. Fortunately for LC however, this combination of stupid loud behavior works for them. It is also the formula Kinison used in his comedy making him the next obvious choice in this progression of bad spokespeople. Lastly, I own a restaurant in direct competition with LC and just the fact that they were able to bring ole Sam back from the dead to do this commercial for them would be enough for me to want to at least try their product once.

- Don(DJ1)


- Mike Rojas

You gotta pick Dicky V. in this situation, baby, for three reasons. Number one, Sam Kinison would probably scare every elderly person and people with heart conditions to death with his AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! screaming and also scare the living daylights out of every child who idolizes that Little Caesar's character (all 3 of them, and they each weigh 350 pounds). Number two, Mr. Moschitta would confuse everyone with his mumbledspeechthatisimpossibletounderstand,eventothebestears. Most people wouldn't have the foggiest clue what was going on if they had Mr. Moschitta tell them about their pizza. Number 3, Dick Vitale is loved by everyone, baby!!! He's a PTP'er. He has an attitude with a capital A. Oh, baby, this pizza will be a dipsy doo dunkeroo for Little Caesar's. Obvious choice in this situation is take Dicky V. and run to the bank, BABEE!!!!!

- Big Mike

I voted for Dick Vitale because there's a man with a knife to my throat riiiight now. Call the police.

- Benjamin Bretz

Personally, I beleive that if I were to open up a pizza box and hear that incredibly annoying voice scream, "You win Baby!!!!!!" , I would drop the pizza on my lap in suprise, giving myself third degree burns! Then, of course the only logical thing would be to sue Little Caesar's for all they had. Now, does that sound like something that Little Caeser's would jump at? I think not!!

- Hamptons

Dick Vitale pic by LudFritter


If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Michael Jordan v. Tiger Woods
Grudge Match, Da Sports Edition™
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