World Wide Web Fights presents
WWWF GRUDGE MATCH

WWWF Logo by Dan Willis


The Setting


The admiral has hastily directed his men to apprehend the vigilante wreaking havoc upon his brand new battlestation. "We must capture this renegade before he causes any more trouble on the Death Star. Our first target, Earth, will be in range in 24 hours. He must be stopped by then. If we fail, the Emperor will come here and punish us personally."

Behind them they hear a set of blast doors open. The admiral and his legion of storm troopers turn and see a horrifying sight. There sits Darth Vader, slumped over dead in a chair. He is wearing a Santa hat, and something is written in blood on Darth Vader's black cape. As they unfurl it, the admiral reads the message:

"Ho Ho Ho. Now I have a light saber!"

So, with Darth Vader out of the picture, and the Emperor "far, far away" (thus no Force to speak of), can John McClane stop the Death Star before it reaches Earth?

John McClane, Die Hard The Death Star, Star Wars

John McClane

vs.

Death Star


The Commentary


BRIAN: McClane in a complete no-brainer, Steve. First, look at the track records: McClane 3-0, Death Star 0-2. Second, it has been WELL established, here on The Grudge (tm) especially, that Stormtroopers are completely useless. Well, the Admiral and the other officers will be too busy planning the attack on Earth to meddle with the intruder personally, so they will just send stormtroopers. Legion after legion of DUMBASS stormtroopers! McClane successfully took out highly trained, professional German terrorists. I think he can handle the pansies in white.

McClane, a master of diversion AND hide-n-go-seek (tm) will be setting off explosions all over the death star, blowing out a computer panel here, flaming out some air ducts there. No one will have a clue what's going on...except for Mr. McClane. The way I see it, McClane runs around for about 20 hours, kills about 37,000 storm troopers, suffers injuries which, if inflicted on mere mortals, would require 450 stitches, and still gets enough free time to figure out how the Death Star works, all with the help of a twinkie-eating police officer back on Earth whom he is communicating with on a souped-up ham radio. After 20 hours, McClane figures out the same chain reaction Achilles' Heel the Jedis knew about. After a few hours work, he sets it off just as the Death Star is preparing to fire. McClane, of course, barely escapes the explosion in a hijacked TIE-fighter.

STEVE: Brian, I think you've gone over the edge this time. True, McClane has gotten out of some pretty tight jams, but he has never come close to anything like this before. The Death Star (which has been victorious in the past) is just too big for one man to take on without special abilities (like the force). Honestly, John is a NYC cop. All he knows is coffee, donuts, and booze. He has no clue about how tractor beams and reactor cores work. He could possibly figure out the light saber and blast guns, but he could kill storm troopers all day (probably will) and still not make a dent in the Death Star. As anyone who has seen Star Wars knows, the only way to stop the Death Star is to take out the reactor. Contrary to what you say, John couldn't figure this out on his own, and even if he did there's nothing he could do about it. I don't recall any spare proton torpedos laying around. Result: Earth destroyed, John McClane spends the rest of his days hiding from storm troopers in the garbage compactor until the garbage creature drags him under one day.

Also, it's important to note that all of John's coolness will be lost upon the Death Star inhabitants. He can shout "Yippekaiyay" all he wants, but it won't make a lick of difference. Normally this would alert his enemies to how powerful and cool (even approaching Mentos (tm) level coolness) he was, and make them cower in fear, and force them into doing something stupid. However, the Empire has no idea what "Yippekaiyay" is, and it's effect will be lost. John loses one of his most powerful abilities, thus ensuring his quick demise.

BRIAN: Poor, naive Steve. You set a trap for yourself. You claim that the Death Star inhabitants wouldn't know how cool McClane was because they wouldn't know what "Yippekaiyay" meant. Well, something tells me those Germans didn't know what it meant either (perhaps it was the confused look on Hans Gruber's face the first time he heard it). But the Germans still knew how cool he was. And the Empire will as well. How does this work? Because John McClane actually SURPASSES Mentos (tm) level coolness. Thus, nothing can stop him, not bad waiters, not rude drivers, not lost sporting equipment, not escalators, not moon-size implements of destruction. (DOO-WAH! (tm))

And your other arguments are irrelevant (like you expected me to say anything else). Sorry, but beating up on the Enterprise doesn't count. Secondly, who says McClane needs proton torpedoes? That's what the Jedis used, but I'm sure it isn't the only way to set off that chain reaction, especially from the inside. Here's the way I see it: McClane thinks of the perfect diversion. He hooks up with Special Agent Johnson (no, the other one) to get a space-feed to the Death Star. Within minutes, the Death Star is on-line. And before you know it, half the crew is debating over who would win between a Rottweiler and a Rottweiler's weight in Chihuahuas (whatever those are) while the other half is on usenet explaining to Trekkie fans why they'd kick The Borg's sorry butt. Thus, with free reign, McClane easily discovers the ship's layout, puts together a MacGuyver-esque (tm) time-delay explosive, and is already halfway home as the Death Star meets its maker.

STEVE: First of all, let me note that it is impossible to surpass Mentos (tm) level coolness, as that is by definition the highest level of coolness possible. It's like going faster than the speed of light -- it's an absolute barrier that can't be overcome. Frankly Brian, it's sad when you have to violate the laws of physics in order to prove your point. Second, yet again you overestimate McClane's intelligence. Sure, he can kick ass, and has good gut instincts (like any fictional NYC cop). But to even make the comparison between him and MacGuyver is sacriligeous! In Die Hard III, John was presented with all sorts of riddles and brain teasers. How many did he figure out? Zero. It's a good thing an intelligent Samuel L. Jackson was with him, or he would have been dead meat ten minutes into the movie.

One final nail in McClane's coffin is the "bureaucratic desk-driving cop" factor. He simply cannot function without his boss or some other agent telling him "That's not proper procedure" or "You're not in your jurisdiction" or that he's breaking some rule or other. This is what normally motivates him -- to do stuff in his no-nonsense kick-ass way, just like Dirty Harry, Axel Foley, and McGarnigle. Without the presence of another good-guy cop for him to piss-off, his heart just won't be in the work. Without the motivation, it's an easy victory for the Empire.


The Results


John McClane (809)

defeats

The Death Star (509)


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Voter Comments


RESPONSE OF THE WEEK (ROTW) (TM)

This is essentially a chemistry problem.

The Death Star: Tends to explode
John McClane: Tends to cause things to explode

Sort of like Drew Barrymore versus the Hindenburg, when you take a look at it.

- Marc Moskowitz


ROTW (tm) Silver Medal Winner (tm)

First of all, we have to answer the question, "How did John get on The Death Star in the first place?" The answer may surprise you.

We take you to NASA headquarters. The new experimental Mars Shuttle is en route to the red planet, and Mission Control is eagerly awaiting the results of the latest on-shuttle scientific experiment: One cop, a nerd, and a dog, all locked in a room with only a Super Nintendo and a "Battle Clash" Cartridge with the super-scope light gun to go with.

A similar experiment utilizing the same nerd, one "Dilbert," had brought forth many exciting discoveries, so this time the eggheads at NASA upped the ante, adding Dilbert's dog, Dogbert, and a grizzled New York cop named John McClane. To boot, the trio was being forced to watch episodes of various 80's television shows every other hour. Everything was going smoothly, until...

"Grand Moff Tarkin, sir?"

"Yes, Lt. Generic?"

"Well...um...begging your lordship's pardon, sir, but we're BORED. Our next target, Earth, won't be in range for at least 24 hours, and there's no rebels around to harass."

"Get to the point, Lieutenant, before I ask Lord Vader to turn your nose inside out."

"Well...sensors have picked up a small primitive craft, probably from Earth. Can we tractor beam it aboard and beat its crew up? PLEEEASE?"

At this point, you can guess what happens. The shuttle is pulled in, with the crew captured and taken to the prison block for the crew's later amusement. Fortunately for Our Heroes, the door to the test chamber was missed by the initial search party.

John peeks his head out the door of the room; after deciding it's safe, he motions for Dilbert and Dogbert to follow him. All he has with him in a dufflebag are: freeze-dried chocolate ice-cream, the super-scope light gun (useless as a weapon, but who knows...), a tool kit for Dilbert, a videotape from the VCR, and a jar of Tang.

First things first, John thinks. I need help, and I need to call Earth. With that in mind, he drags Dilbert to the nearest unattended tech-station.

Reginald VelJohnson awakes with a start as his phone rings. "MMmrph...hello? Who IS this?"

"Hey, it's me, John! How're the twinkies today?"

"John. This BETTER be good."

Frantically explaining the situation, John fails to notice Dogbert's excited reaction when the "Big Gun That Can Blow Up The Planet" is mentioned.

After another hour of searching for any sort of clue, Our Heroes crawl out of a airvent into the sleeping quarters of none other than The Boy In Black, Darth Vader. Thinking quickly, John loads the video cassette from his bag into the sleeping Sith-Lord's chest module; his person violated, Vader of course wakes with a start, but his mind REELS as six hours of "Moonlighting" is downloaded directly into his cybernetic brain. The mounting sexual tension between 'Dave' and 'Maddie' on the show becomes too much for him to bear, as he hasn't gotten any in YEARS himself, and since the episode where they finally do sleep with each other is not on the tape, Darth is denied a release, and dies in a convulsing heap on the floor.

After the body of Vader is discovered, John and Co. are on the run! John finally manages to obtain a blaster rifle after bluffing his way through a room of troopers by "covering" them with the super-scope. Once he gets a REAL gun in his hand, though...well, you've all seen John McClane work before. You know what to expect.

Dilbert, on the other hand, has been hard at work (while being guarded by John) at deciphering the Death Star's computers. He's just located The reactor core on the map (next to Housewares, 3rd room on the left, 270 levels down) when he notices that Dogbert is missing....

Grand Moff Tarkin sighed. It was just going to be one of those days, wasn't it? Vader dead, the Emperor asking for hourly status reports, and now some small white dog had locked him in his bathroom, after the small creature had cornered him with what looked to be Darth's lightsaber.

Dogbert was having a giggle-fit. This was so great! After dreaming day after day about becoming Supreme Ruler of Earth, he finally had the means! All he had done was storm the bridge, wearing Vader's helmet and brandishing the lightsaber, claim to be Vader's reincarnation, and the morons BOUGHT IT! He had the world hostage, a private army of millions, and a really comfy chair with a WIDE-screen TV set in the wall! What else could a small megalomanaiacal dog need?

John and Dilbert, in the meantime, were making serious headway towards the reactor core. The body count had reached triple digits by this point, but who's surprised by that? Along the way, the pair stopped to break the shuttle crew out of jail. Unforunately for the astronauts, they fall under the category of "cannon fodder" for this evening's entertainment, and are thus all killed in a cross-fire during a breakout sequence that would have put a smile on John Woo's face. All the astronauts, save one, died a horrible lasered death. The sole survivor, now accompanying John M. and Dilbert on their quest for the reactor core, was a cute little French mathematician who kept calling John "Butch", and made numerous comments on the high quality of Dilbert's potbelly.

Meanwhile, back on Earth, Reginald VelJohnson was stuck. He had called NASA to explain what had happenned to their shuttle, and they had hung up on him after calling him a very rude name. He had tried to convince his boss at the policestation, and the Chief had responded by asking him what he was lacing his twinkies with these days, and if Reggie could send ten pounds of it to his office "at once." Then it hit him in a moment of pure, horrifying clarity. He needed to strike at the heart of the enemy, but how? How could he cause such mass chaos and confusion in the Imperial Ranks that it would ruin their plans? How indeed. Reginald VelJohnson smiled, and stepped outside to knock on his next-door neighbor's front door.

Dilbert brushed off his hands on his shirt and adjusted his tie (which of course was as about as effective as melting a glacier with a zippo). "That should do it. We have about 2 hours left to get off the station before this bomb made of a surgical glove, freese-dried ice-cream, three tablespoons of Tang, and my belly-button lint (won't the guys at work be impressed when I tell them about THIS one!) goes off, taking the station with it! Let's go!"

Dogbert smiled. Earth was in range, and he had just opened hailing frequencies with the U.N. "Attention, all you mindless morons! I am Dogbert Vader, your new supreme--" ...and that was as far as he got before the viewscreen was suddenly filled with the face of a young African-American teenager with glasses, wide eyes, and the most nasal voice known to man and dog alike. The boy looked up from the control panel he had been "only looking at" just moments before.

"Did *I* do that?"

Reggie smiled. The bane his existance, his neighbor, Urkel, was finally proving useful. He had dragged the boy to his ham radio set, told Urkel in no uncertain terms that he was to "clean the radio, but DON'T touch any buttons", closed the door, and counted to ten. Before he had reached six, Urkel had already knocked over the radio, accidently directed the transmission dish into deep space (pointed right at the D.Star), and hit the on switch. Reggie sighed happily.

Aboard the Death Star, things had rapidly gone all higgledy-piggledy. Half the crew was clutching their sides in laughter, directed at the boy on the screen (if you asked them why they were laughing, they couldn't have told you exactly why), and the other half of the crew was shooting at each other in the homicidal rage that everyone gets when they are confronted with That Which Is Really Un-Funny.

John passes by the bridge long enough to snag Dogbert (at Dilbert's request), pulling the weeping canine from his new throne. After much begging on Dogbert's part, John lets him keep the Darth Vader helmet and the lightsaber.

Finally, with only minutes before the bomb detonates in the reactor core, John spots the TIE Fighter that goes with the keys he found in Vader's room. Hitting the button on the keychain, the hatch opens with a loud "boop-beep-boop", and he clambers inside, with Dogbert, Dilbert, and the French astronaut in tow. As they settle into the padded seats, the French woman turns to John, who's starting up the engine.

"Who's spacecraft iz thiz?"

"It's not a spacecraft, baby, it's a custom TIE Fighter," John responds.

"Who's custom TIE Fighter iz thiz?"

"It's Darth's."

"Who's Darth?"

"Darth's Dead, Baby. Darth's Dead."

And off they fly, with only a firm "Bad Dog!" being audible over the explosion of the Death Star.

- Isaac Sher

[ A prime contender for ROTW, but just so very long... -Ed]


ROTW (tm) Bronze Medal Winner (tm)

This was a hard decision. On the one hand, you have Darth Vader's glowing blue ghost floating around, trying to tell everyone where McClane is hiding. However, when nobody can find him in the air shafts, Vader suffocates half the crew in a fit of RAGE (tm). Just as Vader is trying to tell the other half that McClane is down THIS air shaft instead of THAT air shaft (we all know how stupid storm troopers are), the Energizer Bunny walks by, and Vader, pissed of by that cheezy commercial, orders everyone to open fire on the Rabbit. By some undefined law of TV physics (tm), the power cells in every blaster are transformed into Supervolt (tm) batteries, guaranteed to run out of power when you need them (tm). Now Vader kills the other half of the crew for letting a pink rabbit beat them. Then Vader's Ghost gets an Idea! Why can't he kill McClane like he does storm troopers? He runs down McClane outside the main reactor control room (I wonder what this big red button does?) and tries his strangulation trick on McClane. Shit. You can't Strangle someone with a light saber from a distance, and especially not good guys! So, the enraged Vader blows an ethereal bolt and shorts out the reactor controls in his self destructive rage. McClane finds one of the Star Wars turbolifts (tm) and heads to the 3593rd floor (lingerie, sporting goods, and shuttle bays) and flies out on a captured imperial shuttle, returning to New York to be kidnapped by men in black and taken to area 59, after which the air force and the CIA will deny that the whole thing ever happened.

- Cory Davis



What does the Empire have going for it? Stormtroopers. McClane's previous dealings with Germans will take over, and he will lose focus on the true enemy, the Death Star itself. He'll run around kicking Stormtrooper butt, as the Death Star approaches ever closer to earth. In Die Hard, how many Germans did he kill? All of them. He'll be so obsessed with taking on all the stormtroopers, that Earth will follow the path of Alderaan without McClane so much as batting an eye, so immersed will he be in another of his xenophobic rampages.

Using such deception, the Death Star will "float like a butterfly, sting like a bee" and just when McClane thinks he's got the Empire on the ropes, the Death Star will deliver a knockout blow to planet Earth. With McClane's loved ones destroyed, and no more Al to help him out between twinkie breaks, John McClane will go down for the count.

- Matt Geis


John McClane would easily halt the advance of the Death Star for a number of reasons.

First, the admiralty of the Empire are complete morons. It is truly amazing that there even is an Empire besides a few Death Stars and TIE fighters floating around. For instance, why put a Death Star anywhere near Endor. The main raw material source and work force available are bunches of big trees and rabid teddy bears. A more logical tactic would have been to build the thing in the middle of the rebel fleet. Also,the only kind of confrontation the admirals can tactically overcome is the frontal assualt like when they destroyed the rebel base on Hoth. Even then, almost all the rebels managed to escape while the Empire was making crushed ice for their margueritas. They wouldn't know how to handle an insurgent.

Secondly, John McClane has an affinity for ventilation shafts. From all appearances, Death Stars are nothing but a bunch of shafts surrounded by a metal skin with a few rooms thrown in to house the stormtroopers. McClane is on his home turf. He can hide anywhere from the pansies in white becuse they can't even turn their heads due to those stupid helmets.

Lastly, you have both acknowledged the most important point while overlooking its importance! McClane will clearly survive long enough to kill a great many people, with only Stromtroopers chasing him. But why kill 37,000 white geeks? All he must do is kill three shifts of firing engineers (hampered by dorky hats), the admirals (who all stay in one conference room whining anyway), and maybe a technician or two. Do you think a STORMTROOPER would be able to fire the Big Gun? Not only does Earth survive, but once the Stormtroopers have been eliminated, the Death Star is now in the possession of Earth, ready to blow wrinkly old Palpatine right out of his galaxy.

- Dave and Scott


You've forgotten one all-important factor here. While Mclain would be deprived of the desk-driving bureaucrat motivation, the estranged wife factor would be at an all time high. Not only would he be one hell of a lot farther from her than he's ever been (NY to LA is peanuts to LA to Pluto), but he would also know that, once again, her life is in danger and that by displaying an incredible amount of physical heroism he could (once again) make her overlook the fact that he's basically an alcoholic, insensitive jerk. Maybe they could renew their wedding vows at the end.

- oriole


How can you even think that McClane has a chance ? This guy got caught with his pants down...err with his shoes off by PSEUDO european terrorists (they're tall and blond, yeah right, must be germans) at first (the rest of the movie sucked). He had to rely on the help of a fat donut eating cop who was afraid of his gun ! And then imagine all the stuff the Death Star throws at McClane...

Now to his adversaries: I'm sick and tired of everbody calling the Stormtroopers bad shots. Just because they get a little nervous when on TV/Film doesn't mean they suck. When they're on their own, they definetely kick ass ! Listen to old Obi-Wan ! (e.g. "precise gunpoints", "only Stormtroopers could..." blah blah blah). So while the unfortunate Troopers battling McCLane when he is on-screen die, they will get him in the scene when some imperial aide walks up to the commander and says: "Sir, we completed an analysis of the intruder's smell. There is a certain danger." They'll simply relax because they're off-screen and blast the shit out of McClane.

BTW: How the hell did McClane get onto the DS ? Ok, he's been at the wrong place at the right time pretty often, but you can't be THAT wrong, can you ?

- Alexander Dietrich


It's obvious that McClane will stop the Death Star. Let's examine his past history with public places and vehicles. Building -> Large Explosion. Plane / airport -> destroyed / large explosion. Boat in NY harbor -> destroyed / large explosion. Beginning to sense a general trend? Destruction just follows the man around. It can't be turned off. John McClane in 1hr. 40min (with time for a 5 min closing kiss from Princess Leah or available female....)

- GR


This one really isn't about the cool factor or Mentos at all. All McClane will be thinking about is pissing the Admiral off. How will he do it with no supervising cop telling him what to do by telling him what he can't do? Simple. He'll stumble onto a few people who like Earth and despise the fact that it was chosen as their first target so they will switch sides. He only needs two - one who knows the computer system on the Death Star and one who can get around without using a single public access route. For those who can't tell, I'm following the story line of Die Hard II, you know, the one where a band of Air Force renegades take over a Washington, D.C. airport and McClane recaptures it with the help of an air traffic control office, a janitor, and a fuel leak on the jumbo jet the A.F. officers were after.

The action might go something like this: He runs into the computer guru who clears the security system to allow him access to any place he may go. While John is running amuck, his computer friend is sending false alarms all over the Death Star and sending them through so many different paths that only he can figure out what is going on. In John's travels in the air handling system, he is blasting holes in everything he can keeping the stormtroopers just one step behind him all the while. One of the holes he blasts gives him no path but down into the trash pit (causing him to soil his nice, white tank style undershirt) where he has a more important foe - the trash monster. He kills the trash monster, which also pisses the Admiral off since this puts the second trash disposal out of commission which means New York City style trash piles. Once he gets away from the trash pit, he makes his way to the main reactor, sets his light saber up to overload by trying to charge it in the 220V socket coming straight off the reactor (his saber was only designed for 110V), and runs like hell for the closest flight bay. Once there, his computer friend clears him for take off in Darth Vader's Tie Fighter (we know Darth won't need it since he has already joined Ben, Yoda, and about a million stormtroopers in the great beyond) and makes it out of the bay just before the explosion which takes out another third of the mighty Death Star. Once back on Earth, John will still be unable to strike a victory in the greatest battle in his life - marital problems.

- John Hepp


Well, an interesting match up this week. However, after reading your commentary I find one point obviously absent: The death star was destroyed through the USE OF THE FORCE!. The fact that you have made a point to exclude the force from this match up makes McClane's chances about nil. By some freak of nature, should Obi Wan decide to try to communicate to McClane from the grave, McClane will likely fall into a catatonic state of delerium/schizophrenia and become totally useless.

As stated, if the force is not involved, the earth becomes space dust. So let's assume that the force is involved. If McClane survives and understands the advice from Obi Wan, he might actually have a chance. However, the force is not limited by such trivial things as space and time. The Emperor need not be present to exert the dark side of the force. He crushes McClane's puny brain long distance (only 10 cents a minute). Death Star still wins. Game. Set. Match.

Unfortunately, McClane's wife will be the only survivor of the planet wide devastation, thus leading to a sequel with so much hype that all viewers are dissapointed. Of course, this can only lead to a fox weekly series (tm).

- Vic Drover, University of Alberta


HELLO? McClane took out Darth? NO, children, I fear you have fallen for another bit of 20th Century Fox propaganda. Think about it: when they make yet another Die Hard, who's gonna see it? ("McClane's back in 'Please Die Hard': this time, they're trapped in a phone booth!") So, to drum up excitement about the new one, they decide to stage the death of another Infamous Bad Guy[TM] at McClane's hands. Who better to take out than Darth? He's the ultimate badass, and nothing short of bringing Mark Hamill back will kill the box office draw for the new Star Warses.

So, they give Darth an extended vacation in a Bacta tank in the Bahamas, and they give McClane a big publicity boost. It soon turns against them, however, as Darth learns he's rumored to have been killed by a low-life like Bruce Willis. Darth climbs out of his submerged lounge chair and books a flight to LA, where he cuts Bruce into two dozen small, cauterized pieces (and there was much rejoicing) and takes a bedazzled, widowed Demi Moore for his own.

Any further suggestions that Darth could be killed by such a miserable actor will see the suggestor sentenced to repeated viewings of 'Hudson Hawk'.

Now The Terminator maybe,
--Rosencrantz


While the possibility of an internal self-destruct being present on the Death Star is very slim, it would undoubtedly be hidden by the most advanced encryption codes avaliable. Even with Zeus along to provide more brain power the two of them do not have the brain power of a slow interrogation droid. It would take an R2 unit equal to the great R2-D2 to find out how to activate this device. I'm afraid that Maclean's attempt to stop the Death Star would result in the imperials hiring a few good bounty hunters to replace the hordes of stormtroppers slaughered by Zeus and Maclean. Eventually Boba Fett would catch up to a starved and desparate Maclean in the bowels of the Death Star, who would provide little resistance to the bounty hunter. When Maclean is tossed out an air duct every human will mourn the passing of the coolest cop ever.

- user


A tough call. Each side has it's own advantages and disadvantages. First off, the pansies in white ARE a formidable force. For example look at their entrance in STAR WARS IV: A NEW HOPE. They blast in the door (with really cool effects) and charge in after the rebel scum. Several stormtroopers are killed the other tin men just walk over them. No feelings only cold, calculating service to the Empire. On the other hand they did let a bad smuggler, a tatoinne, tatioenniene,...a guy from the desert who was in fact a naive farm boy, a walking rug, that old guy that was too much of a wus to fight, and Carrie Fisher (schwing) through their iron clad defenses. But in their defense (no pun intended) Carrie Fisher was pretty aggressive in The Blues Brothers...

John McClane on the other hand gets beat up and bleeds a lot, and whines about it during the whole movie.....storm troopers? No they get blasted and die and you don't hear a complaint from them.....

MCLANE would blow up the death star though....he would infiltrate the reactor core as the new star to the three prelude movies that Stephen Speilberg didn't film but strangely enough was working on, and blow the whole place to kingdom come.

TRAGIC POSTSCRIPT TO THIS STORY: The death star does blow into little pieces but remains relativley whole. The entire thing explodeds and doen't burn up in the atmosphere. It crashes on earth, causes a cloud to rise into the air and kills off the dinosaurs. It also leaves that really cool crater in Arizona.

- DAVID...


The only real challenge for Bruce Willis' alter ego here is whether he'll eventually run out of clothing to be shredded as he wades through the ranks of the Stormtroopers, and shoots/explodes/crashes/destroys everything in his path. Even that would be no real problem, as working sans-clothes is apparently a common family pastime in the Willis household....

Demi Moore versus the Stormtroopers - now that might be more of an even matchup....

- Jeff Langcaon


At first glance, this seems to be an open and shut case. Unfortunately, at second glance, something is very wrong here. The Death Star from ď galaxy far, far away.Ē is attacking earth. The Death Starís powerful engines couldnít possibly have brought it across the gulf betwen galaxies in anything less than a millenium. Further, we have Darth Vader dead on the first Death Star. I thought he died at the hand of the Emperor on the second Death Star years later. And I donít believe for one minute that Darth Vader, a Jedi Master, completely in tune with the Force, could possibly have been beaten and killed by a sweaty, dirty, off-duty cop with no shoes. Not to mention Vaderís body should have exploded in blue lightning when he died. Something is very, very wrong here...

There is only one possible explanation for all these impossible things. The Infinite Improbability Drive (tm)!!! Obviously the Heart of Gold (tm) is lurking about in the area. No doubt its crew is watching to see the outcome. Unfortunately, its presence makes short work of those impossible odds. With probability turned upside down, John strolls down the hallways with blaster fire raining down on him, every single shot missing. His own blaster never runs out of ammo, and every shot scores a direct hit on two troopers. Meanwhile, an R2 unit is rolling in front of him, oblivious to the mayhem, opening every door. At the precisely worst possible moment, he slips on an oil spill and tumbles into a control panel. His hand lands on a number pad and enters a top secret security code. His elbow pushes a lever as he scrambles to his feet and activates the little known self-destruct sequence (actually it never existed until now). As he rights himself, the hapless R2 unit runs into him and pushes him into an escape pod. He is jettisoned into space just as the Death Star explodes in a flash of light into a million pieces, each one shaped like Bart Simpson. The pod lands on a tropical island in the Pacific where McClane lives out the rest of his life worshipped as a god by the natives.

John McClane: 4-0 Death Star: 1-3

- Robert Lamm


McClane is obviously the winner. Brian made a very intelligent argument and I agree with everything he said....

Oh my gosh! What am I saying! I better make a doctors appointment immediately! I'm not feeling too good.

- Kenton Gidewall


How's [McClane] going to figure out a lightsaber? He's a pistol person. I figure he'll try to take out a few stormtoopers, turn around to get the ones behind him, and accidentally cut his own head off.

- Morgan Lewis


Give me a break!! John McClane vs the crew of the Death Star, _after_ McClane's taken down Vader? Not even Luke Skywalker, Jedi Master, could take him down. But John McClane did.

As far as I can tell, the only problem McClane is going to have is finding enough of an opposition to make the movie interesting. As it stands, this is like Die Hard 4: Death on the Love Boat.

- Mark Langsdorf


Well, usually there will be one mucho-macho bad guy to take out McClane as his diversion, but he has already killed Darth Vader! Who's gonna be on the macho level to take him out, huh? Not some goofy stormtrooper. So, he kills off a few and wounds another. He feels sorry for the guy he wounded, so he starts talking with him, and offers the guy a cigarette. Turns out, the guy he wounded was a Tie-fighter pilot with tons of computer training, and the blueprints to the Death Star in his back pocket. Instantly they become buddy-buddy, and so McClane is no longer alone (he never is, ya know). So, while McClane crawls through the bowels of the death star towards the reactor, his friend manages to take over the computer system (which, as everyone knows from ID4, alien OS is severely messed up), and all of the security cameras play "Sabado Gigante" and re-runs of Hee-Haw. Meanwhile McClane is still crawling, managing to fall down a few elevator shafts, and such...just to make it interesting. He finally gets to the reactor, and waiting for him is his friend in a TIE-fighter...but then again, it isn't! They were on to his plan, and they ambush him. No problem for McClane, though. He wrestles 12 TIEs to the ground, and rescues his friend in a glorifying climax. He then opens the saber, yells "yippie kayayyyy", and lobs it at the reactor. Wow. I can't wait for Die Hard 5, McClane versus the Death Star's weight in Chihuahuas.

- Ted Kreutz

ps For more information on the death star, specifically the new day-care center, click here.


John, our unpolished hero, will have many advantages and will undoubtably use all of them and more. He is no MacGyver (he doesn't even carry a "Leatherman"(tm)), but he does use a good percentage of his pea brain to get him out of situations (those same situations his pea brain got him into).

One, as stated before, the intelligence (or lack of) of the Storm Troopers. John is no Einstein, but he may even kill more of them than all the Sly/Arnold/C. Norris movies combined, making him the All Time Greatest Action Hero (tm). Second, if two losers like Hans Solo and Luke Skywalker can run loose with their pet dog, uh, bear, uh, whatever and two idiot robots, and go basically wherever they want, a street smart (tm) fictional NYC cop will own the place in minutes!

Third, have you seen a Death Star? There are more places to hide on one of them than in all of Mexico! Fourth, Hollywood. Hollywood made those guys. Hans Solo was a John Wayne wannabe. They know of Earth and (since they all speak English (some with pronounced German accents, now why is that?) they have seen all the reruns beamed into space on Nick at Night (tm). Yippekaiyay Mudda @$*^$@ will work on them just fine.

And lastly, John won't need the home worlds bureaucracy to motivate him. He will have the knowledge that if the Death Star wins, the Dark Forces (another term for Bureaucracy) will be in charge. He will became just another Storm Trooper (if'n he survives). Earth might be conquered, but it would never be destroyed. The last aliens tried that and failed (see ID4). John will use all that is available to him, i.e. all his friends back home, the internet (beamed over Bill Gates low trajectory satellite network), some cool guns and light sabres, plenty of poetic license, and just plain good fun, filled with fires and explosions. Hell, he might even call up his "young" old pals, Bevis and Butthead to help him "blow stuff up" (tm).

- Kurt


John McClane IS a cop from New York, so he knows how to handle insumountable odds and freaks with guns in weird costumes. Most importantly, John McClane is an absolute master of blowing things up, Death Star not witholding, and proton torpedos be damned. If it can be blown up, John McClane can blow it up. And what's the only way to beat the Death Star, Blow it up. John McClane with undoubtedly win, slaughtering Stormtroopers right and left on the way, and getting on com links and making smart ass remarks to the admirals to boot.

- Greg Page


The vaunted and misnamed "Death" Star has a dismal track record. I'll summarize it by saying it was blown up by the Alliance, a group who essentially puttered around in the intergalactic transportation equivalent of the Yugo. Force or no force, the touted Death Star should have enough fire power to blow away some flying tin cans. This is even more inept than the vaunted Red Army of yore allowing a demented German student to plow a Cessna into Moscow's Red Square.

McClane has already slain Darth Vader, the overpowering and fearful leader of the "mighty" Death Star. What challenge is left? McClane plays games with the remaining Nazi-like commanders of the soon to be Dead Star. McClane's experience with Gruber left him well seasoned to deal with sinister Teutonic-like minds. The result is the strategic equivalent of pitting the Godfather against the KeyStone Cops.

Oh, I forgot. The Death Star has a history of victory here on the pages of the WWWF. However, consider the competition!!! These Death Star victories only indicate that McClane will have an easier time aboard the Enterprise than Bugs Bunny has with Elmer Fudd.

- Dr. Joe


First, let me say I discovered your web site in the Chicago Tribune--the article did not do you justice!

The key to McClane's success is the area within which he must work--the more area, the more successful. Starting with Nakotome towers, then an airport, then the 5 boroughs of New York City; each time he could overcome greater and greater challenges. Give him an entire Death Star to operate in and all the stormtroopers from Tatooine to the Ice Planet Hoth couldn't stop him!

	"And hey, Darth Vader, with that dark and evil mask...
	Did he scare you as much as he scared me?"
				-Bill Murray, Saturday Night Live
MacGuyver vs Death Star would be no match on the basis of all the cool gadgetry available--I've often wondered what havoc he could wreak with more resources than just chewing gum and popsicle sticks. But with McClane it is a question of motivation--he was at his best mentally when he was saving family members (and thus the need for help in the third Die Hard opus). With all of Earth on the line, I've got no choice but to believe that he takes his game to another level.

- Mike Hudson, Chicago


The most recent embodiment of "The Hollywood Factor" saved us hapless earthlings from total destruction by allowing a drunk cropduster to take out a 15 mile wide alien assault vehicle and allowed a cable instalation guy and F-18 fighter jock to fly a 30 year old alien vehicle, get inside a 500 km mother ship with absolutely no authentification, AND hook up a power-mac to a completly alien computer network, in order to plant a virus inside the ship's computer which by all odds should not even be using an operating system remotely similar to one on earth.

If "The Hollywood Factor" is able to suspend reality to the point of complete absurbity such as above, John's escapade in the Death Star should be a snap. At least the inhabitants of the Death Star speak english. Just make sure he has a power mac....

- Will and Amy Thomas


No Way, even in the worst written script, would McClane ever make a dent in the Death Star! It's simply too huge! In his previous movies, McClane has blown up what? A couple of city blocks at most. And this Was with lots of supporting actors and inefficient bad guys! In the end he would end up screaming like a certain un-named princess, and be strapped to the main laser when the Earth makes like a roman candle.

- Greedo


As to McClane's technical proficiency and difficulty in bringing the Death Star to destruction, this is the least of his worries. It has been witnessed that McClane is a magnet for the Chaos Factor (tm), which causes tremendous collateral damage to any structure or person with whom he associates for an extended period of time. Considering the damage done to buildings, airports, and subways already witnessed (in a steadily escalating progression), and the fact that this time McClane doesn't even have to worry about saving any hostages, the victory will be swift and inevitable. All he has to do is spend a good portion of his time chasing around near the reactor, killing as many stormtroopers and big-black-helmeted Death Star engineers as he can find, and the focus of Imperial wrath and destruction pointed harmlessly in his direction (due to his Die Hardness (tm), q.v.), the reactor will be obliterated by proximity.

His escape will also be effortlessly arranged by a correlative property of his Chaos Factor (tm) which works together with his Die Hardness (tm) to ensure random events will align to free him. Undoubtedly he will latch onto a fragment of the exploding Death Star which will be thrown clear of the explosion, and he will smash through a self-repairing window of a nearby luxury starcruiser, landing bruised but intact onto the bed of an appropriately buxom princess.

- OGILVYWC!OMLA1!seacatdo


Look, John's got it in spades over the Death Star, due to his fly-in-the-face-of-authority attitude, while the Death Star is merely the tool of a giant bureacracy filled with middle managers. The question I have is after John leaps from the flaming wreckage of the Imperium's greatest weapon (why steal a tie fighter, when you can slide down a really long cable or swing from a fire hose of prodigious size?), will he manage to patch things up with his wife?

- Tony Winkler, University of Michigan


Unfortunately, there are a lot of storm troopers. Even if they only hit him once out of every hundred or so shots, and each of those shots hit some non-vital place and cauderize on impact, a thing I'd assume beam weapons to do, he'd only have to face a couple of thousand storm troopers before he is turned into swiss cheese. It'll take awhile, but eventually he will go down, crunchy-on-the-outside, chewey-on-the-inside, slightly bloody, riddled with holes.

- Ben Evans


It all depends on whether Apple (tm) gives John McClane a "world saving" Powerbook as an advertising tie-in. Since he was able to make a monitor blow up a building, he should have no trouble using the "Super Burst Into Flames" (pat. pending) (tm) technology that drives the Powerbook to explode the whole Death-Star.

- J. Carl Molinari


McClane may be outclassed as far as trying to figure a way to blow the Star up. The Death Star is not a tall building to drop explosives down an elevator chute. It does not leak gas to ignite. And it has no propellers to get caught in power lines.

Besides, there are more stormtroopes than McClane has room on his arms to write down all their names. Star in a landslide.

- Greg Hoyt


John simply gerry-rigs the lightsaber with some other spare electronics he finds lying around, and hurtles it into the reactor core. The ensuing explosion sends him hurtling through space where he miraculously survives the oxygen-free environment, depressurization, reentry heat, and mind-boggling landing speed to plop down unhurt in some field back on earth, landing right behind that loser news reporter who has recently been reassigned to the home office in Kansas and just happens to be broadcasting about some recent tornado activity in the area.

- Perry Friedman, Stanford University


Very long explanation of how McClane blows up Death Star deleted

[McClane], along with a large amount of debris, atmosphere, and technicians is blown out into space by the final stages of the explosion. Just like when he ejected out of the plane in the second movie, except the explosion is bigger and has little "tinkle tinkle" effects in it. He could call it quits here, with victory achieved, but then he wouldn't be able to make any more "Die Hard" sequels, so he fights on.

Luckily for McClane, the Death Star had closed to point-blank range with Earth just prior to the explosion, and he was on the side facing the planet, so his eyes are only just starting to bug out like the people in Total Recall before he begins reentry. He is able to shield himself behind a chunk of hull plating and consequently avoid being vaporized during the initial stages of his fall.

Then he mounts the thinner -- thanks to ablating -- plate and rides it down like a surfboard, using it to slow and direct his descent as he looks frantically for a way to cushion his landing. Finally he notices a couple buildings with large crowds surrounding them and angles that way, hoping for a dramatic impact.

Amazingly, he crashes through the roof of one building, totally destroying it but somehow shedding velocity slowly enough to avoid death or even meaningful injury, although his shirt is totally torn away. He staggers outside, issues his famous "Yippekaiyay" phrase, and nimbly sidesteps the "Hard Rock Cafe" sign as it crashes to the ground beside him. Pushing his way through the adoring crowd, John heads to the Planet Hollywood across the street for a drink. It's Miller time. (TM)

- R. Scott Bailey


The Death Star should win! All the imperials have to do is close every door. Do you have any idea how big the Death Star is? How many METAL doors he would have to break through? And any way, how would he destroy the thing any way? Its not like in Space Balls where there was a self destruct button. At best, it would end up a draw with McClane having killed everyone aboard and the Death Star zooming through space McClane not knowing where the heck he was supposed to go to turn the damn thing off. Next time lets see you pit Zaphod Beeblebrox from the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy against the erotic vampires in tales from the crypt presents Bordello of Blood (BOB). I havn't seen this movie, but heard Dennis Miller talking about it on Letterman.

- Nick Hall


Things would be handily placed for John's voyage to the bowel's of the Empire's Dreadnought. Guards conveniently looking the wrong way, oblivious to John's stealthy approach. Thermal grenades found at crucial moments. Etc. And as for John need a superior to report to... who could be better than Obi-Wan Kenobi? Popping in, here and there as it were, helping like and such.

Yep, John McClane could do it and get out in time. The only problem seems to be how LONG it might take him to complete his mission. After all, the Death Star is BIG! Would people really stay and watch this match for the (let's say) fourteen or fifteen hours it might run? Of course, there will be those who will say that he would do it in 90 minutes flat with rising crescendos and fade to black. Who's to say?

- Exar Kun


For someone who has taken on terrorists in a Los Angeles skyscraper, Washington National Airport, and Manhattan Island, dealing with The Death Star is just another challenge for John McClane.

Certainly John would be able to get ahold of some stormtrooper armor and walk around easily, and of course there is the conveniently-placed dissident scientist in the holding cells aboard the Death Star who knows much about the inner workings of the station, including how to disable the tractor beam, set a timer to blow the station apart, and how to die as he and McClane are about to commandeer an Imperial shuttlecraft to escape within seconds of the explosion.

- Matthew Davis


I simply have to go with McClane. Consider this: In the first Die Hard movie, he used some red gift tape to conceal an additional gun. Well, on the Death Star, there's bound to be some duct tape somewhere. It is a well-known fact that with duct tape, anything is possible. With his cop intuition, he's bound to figure out a way using the duct tape to best any Empire attempt to stop him.

- J.


First off Steve, I want to point out how wrong you are on so many levels.. The speed of light can be overcome -- it is NOT an absolute barrier. Sure it's fast, but its speed is not infinite. (Now, you wanna talk about fast, I've got a souped-up Gremlin that'll smoke anything on the street, but that's neither here nor there...)

Second of all, you claim that Mentos level coolness can not be surpassed (using your mistaken belief in the speed of light as support.) I have two words that flatly refute your belief. James Bond. Nothing more need be said on that matter.

Now, McClane would realize he is up against far superior numbers, so a bit of strategy would be in order. He's seen Star Wars, and learned a useful technique in avoiding Stormtroopers. Simply hide in a room, and lock the door. (I actually watched Star Wars this morning on USA [I think]). When Storm Troopers are searching, they don't look behind locked doors -- it's true, watch the film if you don't believe me. That's what he would do. Stealthily, John would move from room to room, locking doors as he go. He wouldn't be found, and would have time to overload the reactor, steal a ship, and escape unscathed.

- Christopher (Back, after two years away..)


McClane has the recuperative power of Rocky: in fact, I suspect that he has a mutant gene which converts physical damage to endurance and luck. McClane could probably save the Earth by taking a direct hit from the Death Star in its stead. And luck! What are the chances of wandering into your home and blowing away the assasin sent to whack you with HIS OWN GUN? About as likely as escaping from a flash-flood by being geysered up a drain at the exact time that killers are driving past. Chalk up another tax write-off for the Empire.

- John Hunter


All he has to do is give the stormtroopers the biggest bomb of 1996 -- Striptease. After watching the movie, the stormtroopers will blow up the Death Star themselves.

- JML1969


24 hours to stop a bomber in a large city, sure. 24 hours to travel to the center of a moon sized structure of alien origin and figure out how to destroy it? Not even Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith could pull this one off.

- Goldeneye


After happily blowing away stormtroopers for a couple of hours, McClane realizes that this just is not going to stop the Death Star before it gets to Earth. So, in dramatic fashion, he commandeers the Communications Center and sends a message down to Earth asking for help. Only one person responds to his hail but after a short explanation of the situation, John's contact comes up with a computer virus that will end the threat once and for all. Unfortunately, it is going to take about twenty hours to install so McClane will have to create a major diversion to keep the enemy from discovering the plan. But John has just the thing.

Using his ally's extensive connections, McClane sets up radio, television and internet feeds to the rest of the space station, providing America's finest entertainment. Tens of thousands of bored, lonely, sexually frustrated Imperials are simply unable to resist. Thousands gather around public viewscreens and are turned into couch potatoes by Seinfeld, David Letterman, The X-Files, MTV, Monday Night Football, ESPN's Sportscenter, Melrose Place, Baywatch and The Home Shopping Channel. Meanwhile, even more satisfy their long frustrated desires in secret with the Playboy Channel, Spice and gifs of Jenny McCarthy and Pamela Lee. While the Detention Center and the Fighter Wings face off in Duke Nukem Dukematches and the main gunners are busy in chat rooms, the command structure is neutralized by unauthorized Solitaire games. Only the Admiral, who fears a long-distance choke hold by the Emperor, tries to keep order but is unable to stop the shouts of "STERN RULES!" and "Megadittos!" that occasionally can be heard over the blasting Rock'n'Roll. All John has to do is sit back, relax and protect the Communications Room from the occasional unlucky intruder.

Then, as the virus is almost fully loaded, McClane lowers the boom. The radio starts playing the "Milli Vanilli/ Yoko Ono/ 2 Live Crew/ Bee Gees/ Vanilla Ice/ New Kids on the Block/ Osmonds/ Abba/ Barry Manilow" Marathon. The TV gets only four stations: Comedy Central, HBO in the middle of "Police Academy 6", PBS during "Barney & Friends" and ABC during "America's Funniest Home Videos." Meanwhile, all the computers begin emulating Commodore 64s. The entire crew is made helpless while suffering through major "quality entertainment" withdraw symptoms, except for those that died of embarrassment when they discovered they were fantasizing to Dr. Katz. McClane coolly walks to a waiting shuttle, hums a few bars of "It's The End of the World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)" and flies away.

Seconds before the virus takes effect, the Admiral finally climbs over the comatose bodies and gets to Communications. He reaches the computer just in time to scream "WHAT THE *^%& IS WINDOWS 95?!" before the entire Death Star suffers a General Protection Fault and explodes.

From the safety of his shuttle, McClane pushes a few buttons and activates the communications array. "You know, you would make a good cop, Mr. Gates." "Just call me 'Bill'."

PG-13 (tm)

- Paul Golba


I'm afraid I'm going to have to go with John Mclane,despite my original inclination.I probably would have went with the death star until Return of the Jedi,but despite never seeing a Die Hard movie, I can only assume that John is normal height and has some kind of gun.This puts him a good two points over the Ewoks,and as everyone knows,they managed to kick the empire's sorry butt. Two qualifiers:I assume that John manages to get *on* the death star (don't ask me how),and that even if earth is destroyed,John can still be considered the winner.

- Kris Newton


John McClane is just to good to be stopped. I mean if some fuzzy Ewoks stopped the Empire then you know that John boy can.

- Rameet Kohli


John finds a officer and asks him about any weaknesses in the station{at gunpoint of corse!}. he tells him where the reactor is.Then john kills the officer and goes to the reactor. He plants a thermal detonator set in the reactor to explode in 10 minutes.Then stormtroopers come bursting through the door.He takes his uzi and kills 5.he than runs back to the elevator folowed by laser fire.he makes it to the elevator and takes it to the hangar.He puts on a pilots mask and gets in a tie fighter.he presses the launch button and it flys out of the hanger.He puts it on top speed and gets away just as the death star blows up. He saved the day,but on flying back to the rebel base they see his Tie fighter and and think it is a patrol who has discovered their base.15 X-wings fly out and blast him to Kingdom Come.

- Stephen Frazier


When the relative strengths of the combatants are compared, McClane wins hands down. McClane (like most action heroes) is at his strongest when his opponents are BIG things (buildings, planes, aircraft carriers, Central American countries.) He can get into trouble when he's working against small things like annoyingly smug German terrorists played by British actors. This principle is exemplified by the pawn shop scene in Pulp Fiction (not McClane of course, but still a character played by Demi Moore's husband.) He can't take out one wimpy pawn shop owner with a shotgun, but force him to fight against Zed and the Gimp as well, and he kicks butt.

The Death Star is also at its strongest when it fights against BIG things (Alderaan, the Enterprise) but is extremely vulnerable to small things (X-wing fighters, Ewoks.) So in our contest, we will have a small thing very good at fighting BIG things against a BIG thing that has been twice blown up by very small things.

No contest. For McClane, it'll be just like blasting womp-rats in Beggar's Canyon back home.

- Jeff


Let's face it--stormtroopers may not be intelligent, but when the halls are crawling with 'em, that doesn't matter. Also, as to setting off the chain reaction from the inside, I would like to point out that the death star is too huge for anybody to figure out (why do you think there's that dent with six lasers around it? answer--the builders were making it up as they went along, and when the six foremen got near the place where they were supposed to meet, each looked and said "oh, I guess the superlaser should go here somewhere" and each one built it). Come on, it takes a roomful of gunners just to FIRE the thing, and that was its primary function (on a fighter, for example, you make the joystick bigger than the self-destruct button)! The reason--no one knew how it worked, so when Tarkin said "Fire", they all just pressed all the buttons at once and hoped one of them was the right one. If the death star wasn't too big to figure out, Han would have done it already when they! ! were rescuing the Princess, anyway.

- Allen Carlson


It's a no-brainer -- even if he suffers 3rd degree laser burns to 90% of his body, John McClane will destroy the Death Star in fewer than 90 minutes of on-screen time.

Simply put, this hard-bitten NY cop has been the star of three films, while the Death Star appeared in one film as an obstacle to be overcome, a PLOT DEVICE, fergoodnessakes. Get over it.

Prediction: John McClane in 89 minutes. (Director's Cut: 93 minutes)

- Sandy McMurray (Mr.)


It all balances on who wrote the script, if George Lucas wrote it-McClane woudl get in, rescue some Jedis from the brig and generally kick ass, and the death star would crash into the moon. If some sicko college kid wrote it no one would win, they would all live happily ever after. If I wrote it McClane would barely make it out alive, earth would blowup and he would lead a fleet to detsroy the death star, and claim a new planet as earth.

- Casey


Steve I had to go with Brian this time. The guy wont give up and does not play by the rules and mixing truth and fiction....beihg married to Demi would make any one want to kill.

- Dad (tm)


John McClane would take out the death star any day. For one thing he always has things lucky happen to him. He hardly ever got shot in the movies, and Imperial Stormtroopers have only had success in shooting down Rebel troops defending Princess Leia's Corellian Corvette. That removes the possible interference of them. Secondly, Luke Skywalker is the only other person to defeat the awesome power of the Dark Lord of the Sith, Darth Vader. Luke was one of the greatest heroes ever. John killed Vader with style. How is the Empire supposed to compete with that? John's supreme luck factor could make him actually destroy the Death Star on accident. Who can possibly stand in his way?

- Edward L. Williams


McClane would win because, as you said, he'd figure out how the Star works. He'd rig it so all the computer monitors would be running a network game of DOOM. Now we all know ho much a zombie DOOM can make someone, so those controllers who make the Death Star's laser go off would be preoccupied by all those darn imps. So, earth would never be destroyed, and McClane would have all the time he needs to dismantle the entire Death Star reactor piece by piece.

- DanGauldin, st. louis


We saw what happened to the Evil Empire in the Real World (no, not the MTV abberation), now we get to watch the Evil Empire go down hard in the Not So Real World (much similar to the MTV abberation).

John won't be alone for long. Just like the Afghanni Freedom Fighters, he will be joined by rebels, defectors, and other insurgent-types on the Inside. When faced with a Coolness Quotient the size of John's, do you really think there wouldn't be Empire defector's? Who's side would you be on: the man who removed Darth, or the remnants of Darthdom?

Easy choice.

The Empire defectors hook John up, tell him how to destroy the Death Star, and help him escape to another sequel.

Gosh, give us a hard one.

- Paul Jones


I must say that at first glance this looks a little one-sided. I mean, one lone man against something the size of a small moon and filled with thousand upon thousands of white-suited, neo-nazis?!? One might be tempted to say that John McClane did not stand a chance. BUT... then you have to consider a few very important fact.

First lets consider all these Stormtroopers. With all those cold-blooded killers running around you would think that they would kill anyone the caught that didn't belong. But then people who think theat didn't bother to consider that Stormtroopers are the bad guys version of a Star Trek security officer, only dressed in white instead of red; and as any intelligent person know, Star Trek security officers always buy the big one at some point. Also, McClane has a perfect track record against cold-blooded killers. With Darth Vader dead (the only real driving force behind the Stormtroopers) there will effectively be no real opposition for John to face. Oh, I admit that they might delay him a bit, but in the end it'll just bring the whole situation to the same type climax that he works best in.

Now lets consider the Death Star itself. Yup, it sure is big. Of course so was the Skyscraper in Die Hard and more importantly, New York State in Die Hard With A Vengeance. The only part of the Death Star that John McClane will really need to concern himself with is the Reactor or Control Room. Here is where we get the twist that always occur in the Die Hard Movies: John McClane will crash the Death Star into the Moon! Oh, anyone can get into the reactor and set off a chain reaction, but that would just not be exciting enough. What will actually happen is that McClane will break into the Control Room, kill all the pilots, then destroy the controls. At this point, the Death Star will be just seconds away from firing the main gun. Suddenly the gravity will give out and the Death Star will begin the list and veer off course. McClane, having already learned the location of the docking bay because in the course of learning about the whole plot, he has traveled the entire length of the Death Star, will then backtrack and steal the obligatory tie-fighter. To help him fly home, McClane will have rescued a prisoner from the detention center who will know how to pilot one.

And now for the real surprise. Why was the Death Star out to destroy the Earth?? Because The Emporer is really... Hans Gruber's Father!!! He wants to destroy the Earth in a futile attempt to get revenge on john McClane, and as we already know, it will be doomed to failure.

- Delos E. Rifenburgh, IV


I'm surprised that the two main points why McClane will win out weren't pointed out: 1) Vader's dead, and 2) John has Vader's lightsaber.

With Vader out of the picture, all John has to fight are stormtroopers. Stormtroopers who can't shoot a stationary target, much less a moving target. John just needs to jam a few doors, jump a few access tunnels, and suddenly we'll find the stormtroopers playing with the garbage beast.

The 'no extra powers' edge was mentioned. The Lightsaber I believe makes up for this. We know it can redirect blaster fire and cut through anything (such as a reactor core). So, John finds the access duct, turns the saber on, tosses it into the duct, and speeds off in a hotwired TIE fighter as the saber slices open the core.

- BoB


Hello, Steve and Brian.

I thought that you might be amused to see the tremendous amount of debate that this particular grudge match engendered over the e-mail system here at work. Here are our best efforts...

Subject: Re[5]: grudge match
Author:  Donna Peronace
Date:    8/20/96 4:05 PM


Ah, I was trying to address this earlier today after reading the set up,
unfortunately, the system crashed in the middle of my comments.  

I was fascinated by the fact that Mentos is the yardstick of coolness 
(a.k.a. freshness) even on The Grudge (tm).  Also, the references to 
previous matches was hysterical.  However, I totally agree with Brian,
McClane will win.  Without the Emperor and Vader the storm troopers will 
be running around like chickens with their heads cut off.  McClane is 
nervy and smart, especially about how to destroy things.  You can be sure
that there is a way to blow the reactor with something less than a proton
torpedo and McClane will find it.  Also, you can't discount the coolness 
factor.  I've read more than once that all of Earth's TV transmissions 
are perpetually beaming out into space and if you could get far enough 
away you could pick up first run episodes of I Love Lucy (tm), etc.  
I contend that the Empire is quite familiar with Earth's television 
programming and, in fact, that is why they want to destroy our Water 
Planet (tm - jyc).  Therefore, I believe the Imperial troops will 
be quite in awe of McClane's command of the medium.  Frankly, I think 
Steve has some personal prejudices affecting his choice.  Note the way
he disrespectfully refers to McClane by the familiar "John."  I'm 
surprised he didn't go for something more minimizing like "Johnny."  
My only question is whether McClane will escape the Death Star's 
destruction himself since I have never heard that he has any piloting
experience.  However, like all Heroes (tm), he is a self-sacrificing guy 
and will go down with the ship if necessary to save Holly, the kids, and
the rest of the planet.  Still, I feel its likely that he'll figure out 
something.  Once Vader's gone there are sure to be a few defectors on the
Imperial side and if all else fails there's always hijacking a pilot along
with the TIE-fighter.


______________________________ Forward Header
Subject: Re[6]: grudge match
Author:  Michele Liguori
Date:    8/20/96 4:38 PM


Well, y'all already know how I voted, but to give a little more insight:

I mean, come on, he already defeated Darth Vader for chrissake!  If he is
capable of cacking Tall, Dark, and Wheezy (tm) there's no way the !@#$in' 
stormtroopers are going to be able to stop him!  They will serve their 
usual purpose:  fodder.  He'll wrap a bunch of dynamite around a chair and
a video monitor and drop it down some access shaft which will just happen 
to intersect with the exhaust vent and WHAMMO!  

Actually, he'll figure out something better than that.  He'll figure out
a way to do that *and* be in another, safer location when the Death 
Star shuffles off its mortal coil...  



______________________________ Reply Separator  
Subject: Re[6]: grudge match
Author:  Jennifer Jumper
Date:    8/20/96 4:30 PM


Yeah, but how can you dismiss the *size* of the death star??  McClane
will be so wiped out from running around with cut bare feet trying to
find where things are and the right elevator that he'll probably 
just fall asleep in the prison room with princess Leia.  He won't have 
R2D2 around to show him precise diagrams of the death star floor plans,
all 2,345 of them.  Floors, that is.  Unless, of course, McClane has
taken a Win95 class recently.  Then he should have no problem hacking
into the death star's computers, because everyone knows that all 
lifeforms in the galaxy use Win95.


______________________________ Reply Separator 
Subject: Re[6]: grudge match
Author:  Donna Peronace
Date:    8/20/96 4:35 PM


Exactly!  That's why McClane will win!  Look, the first Death Star 
was destroyed by a snot-nosed kid from Tatooine who'd never flown 
anything bigger than a speeder before.  The second one was destroyed 
by Lando Calrissian who had to be getting a bit soft in his "administrative"
duties in the cloud city.  He hadn't even flown the Falcon in years for 
one thing and while I love the Milennium Falcon its recent reputation 
had been a bit shaky for taking on that job -- but they were still 
victorious!  McClane's a professional whose taken on pros before 
and besides, like the rebel forces before him, he's on the "right" side.  

- Michele


McClane has taken out Darth Vader. Nobody, with or without the force, has been able to do that. What is a Death Star to McClane after this monumental feat. Can you imagine the fear in the Imperial Forces after they learn of the powerful being who has taken down their Sith Lord. They won't even be able to find the fire button as they will be too busy shaking in their boots! Go McClane Go!!

- Steve Smith


I think Brian has a point. Let's take a look at the facts here:

1) John McClane is superhuman. Not only did he slice open his foot and not bleed to death, but he got shot in the arm and continued to fist fight, jumped onto the wing of a moving airplane, and surfed some sort of sewage water wave back to the land of the living. I don't know of any humans who have accomplished any of those feats.

2) John McClane is lucky. He barely missed being run over by plane. He jumped off of a burning high rise in LA and he stood on a street corner in the Bronx(I think!) with a sign saying: I hate n***ers.

Anyone with that combination of superhuman skills and luck could beat the Death Star, hands down.

- 25025


Sorry folks, but it's got to be the Death Star on this one. You see, John requires lots of plot-specific props in order to be victorious against overwhelming odds. The problem with the Death Star is that it's almost completely devoid of furniture/bombs/gun racks/conveniently placed air shafts/etc. etc. etc. And since we've never actually seen John do anything useful without such items, it can be assumed that his effectiveness will be drastically reduced.

But then there's the stormtrooper ineffectiveness factor. Certainly they're not the greatest shots and they can die by the hundreds without hitting anything, but like ants they're fated to win against a single foe by sheer force of numbers. Even Luke and Han were forced to withdraw when faced with the staggering masses of white-clad cannon-fodder. ("Run Luke, run!" think about it, won't you?)

So, while John is bound to take out plenty of stormtroopers in his attack on the Death Star, the lack of aid and props will be his eventual undoing. He's got nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, no convenient bombs to drop on his opponents. Finally, the universe will have it's revenge for Hudson Hawk, muhahahahahaha!

- tuffy


Even minus Vader and the Emperor, the Death Star would never fall to the likes of John McLane, and here's why...

First, in both ANH and ROJ it took the firepower of a spacefighter to exploit the Achilles Heel style Reactor Core. McLane has what, a stolen blaster and Vader's LightSabre??

Second, keep in mind that in ANH it took the combined efforts of droids and human analysts to discover the weakness hidden in the labyrinth of schematics. If McLane has the brainpower to make any sense out of the plans (or even break into the computer to get them!), then what is he doing as a NY cop?!? As you've already said, Die Hard III gave planty of evidence for McLane's lack of mental might.

Third, McLane just isn't enough by himself. Perhaps if Samuel L. Jackson was along for this one as well it might work. How can one person get to the tractor beam controls, sneak into the fighter bays, figure out how to fly a TIE Bomber, and blow up the Death Star, all while being hunted by legions of StormTroopers? Remember, this is a guy who can't go for more than 10 minutes without having something around him blow up! It's not like he'll be able to pull an Obi-Wan invisibility trick or anything.

Finally, the Death Star is the size of a moon. Despite it's embarassing track record, it has never been taken out from the inside. If that was possible, don't you think Obi-Wan and Co would have done it in the first place in ANH?

After wasting hours trying to figure out how to work the nearest computer terminal, McLane gets swarmed by the 'Troopers, and manages to blow most of them away before backing himself into a corner. Disarmed and thrown into the Detention Cells, he awaits his execution. When some officers come into the room with the Interrogation Droid, McLane manages to overpower them and use some of the parts from droid to fix Vader's lightsaber (which was previously busted by a stray blaster shot). Rearmed, he escapes down the garbage chute. As he stands there planning his next move, he doesn't notice the tentacle creeping up to his right leg... A few hours later, the Death Star blasts Earth into smithereens (much more dramatic that bombs in NY) and sets a course for Venus...

- Scott Trigg, Lawrence University


There is NO question here, McClane is the absolute winner. With Darth Vader outta the way (God only knows how McClane killed Vader), he should have no trouble getting rid of the rest of the crew. Stormtroopers, may have beaten the Red Shirts, but John McClane IS one of New York's finest. and seems to survive all kinds of otherwise lethal instances i.e. large title wave of water in a relatively small tunnel, and being on the rail of a ship that blows up from under him, I think he can beat a Storm Trooper, or a million. After he makes short work of a Storm Trooper malitia and gathering man man laser rifles in the process, the Officers should be short order, giving McClane total control of the war machine, and maybe even the world!!!!!

- Vincent Mondaro


This one is so one sided it's almost too easy, McClane 37,281 Death Star -149. As stated Stormtroopers couldn't hit the broad side of a barn even if they were standing in it, while John on the other hand is the typical movie cop who could shoot the wings of a fly at a hundred yards. Picture this: John is doing his usual hit and run routine taking out thousands of the brainless idiots chewing stale Twinkies(tm) and drinking that weird blue milk from the Lars moisture farm. In one seemingless empty corridor as he is snacking away he is jumped by several stormtroopers. Quickly he tosses his Twinkie(tm) down a hole and starts to open fire. Narrowly escaping and regretting that he lost his meal he manages to sneak on board a Tyderian shuttle, overwhelm the pilots, and takes off towards Earth. The Grand Moff, in a fit of rage, orders the gunners to target him with the Superlaser. Unbeknowest to anyone the forgotten Twinkie(tm) has fallen into the reactor core. As the laser is about to fire a freak chemical reaction occurs and causes said Twinkie to go nova (after all it was past its due date). The Death Star explodes in a bright fireball and our hero radios Earth, trying once again to make up with his wife Holly, who has seperated from him yet again.

- Brian


McClane will be under pressure from Bob Dole to keep the carnage down to an acceptable family level - fatal error.

- Tom Luttkus


Here's the way I see it. McClane may be able to kill german soldiers, but since he is a cop, he can be foiled like so: Take a jelly donut. Glue it to one of those little box-like RC things, and let him see it. Then you make it run off one of those cliffs. -Poof-! A splattery mess!

- Nancy Barry


Because Bruce Willis is SOOOO much better looking than any one thing on the Death Star, and it's not *how* you do it, it is how you *look* doing it that counts!!!

- Jennifer Kangas


Even though you have violated the precepts of my religion by mentioning Mentos (TM) in a derogatory manner, I must say McClane.

- @acad.nwmissouri.edu


I'm going to have to say that John would kick the Empire's ass, especially if he now has a Light Saber. Consider his swordsmanship, albeit not a John McClane, in Pulp Fiction. That alone spells massive carnage aboard the Death Star. He also tends to be very good at taking the bad guy's stuff and using it against them. I am quite sure that the Death Star is full of goodies that he can take advantage of. (i.e. Thermal Detenators, Blasters, truth serum weilding droids, and of course the Light Saber he already has.)

So, once again we see the Storm Troopers dying in mass. While it happens often, it never gets boring.

-Matt


Well it all started with this dream I had about some Melrose Place characters and and exploding can of mouse. In the dream I asked myself "Well if the Death Star and that Dude from Diehard were here who would kick who's ass?" It wasn't only a secondary question however, because what I really wanted to know was which one could do Jane in. I mean who doesn't want to see here bite it?

So anyway I came to the conclusion that The Death Star would definately beat up on that other dude....no reason just one of those things I suppose.

- Spooky42


My my my, you gentlemen have always seemed quite astute to me. But this time, you have completely overlooked the true deciding factor in this contest. And this factor is McLeans wife. In his own washed up, drunken way, McLean loves his wife more than Romeo loved Juliette, more than Bonnie loved Clyde, more than Uncle Jessy loved Daisy Duke. He would go to the grave for her. She was his motivation in Die Hard 1 and 2. And you gotta admit it, 3 sucked. Suddenly the cops are on McClean's side? His wife's not in danger? Surfing on a garbage truck? I don't think so. But with the Death Star preparing to fire on Earth, Mrs. McClean is in danger once again. And for John, this means one thing. It's killin time. You will see RAGE (tm) like you've never seen it before. We're talking mangled Stormtroopers, exploding toilets, and a really nasty scene where McClean switches the sugar and the salt in all the Death Star's caffeterias. This one ain't gonna be pretty.

McClean, with 99% of his body covered in blood by the time the movie ends, but his wife will still slip him some tounge before the credits roll up the screen.

- Lonny


To start, John rigs heavy explosives in a landing bay and triggers them from a safe distance just as a command shuttle is landing. Naturally, all the attention is diverted and John managed to sabotage the main computer core. However, before he can do away with the core, and unexpected visitor shows up. The Borg. En Masse.

Five Borg Cubes surround the Death Star. The leader, a borged form of Ripley, informs the Death Star crew the the Borg will not allow the Death Star to take Earth before they do. The Death Star responds by vaporizing one of their ships, after which the Borg start firing into the main part of the hull.

Borg start appearing in the main control areas, and Storm Troopers set themselves up to defend the primary firing equipment. However they notice that the borg intruders are in fact... the Red Shirted Ensigns the Stormtroopers defeated in the previous gang war, given a second chance and out for revenge. The Storm Troopers are routed.

The Ensigns blast their way to the main control station and are about to assimilate it when a shadowy figure slices them to ribbons, then decloaks to reveal... Predator. The Death Star destroys another Borg Cube as the Predator stalks out the remaining borg and destroys them. Suddenly, Ripley appears on screen, her implants melting into an image of the T100 that worked it's way into the Borg system.

Of course, the old fashioned T800 makes a spectacular entrance bye nuking several sublevels and a trench or two. The Predator notices his telltale explosions and bolts onto the Millenium Falcon, which promptly crashes on the Death Star surface. Han Solo runs for it, but bumps into Indiana Jones on the way. The two of them adjust their hair to look properly scruffy, then take off for parts unkown. T800 blasts his way onto the surface, only to be swarmed by Ripley's Aliens and neutralized.

Meanwhile, John makes his way to the Core Reactor but is thwarted from setting a charge by the T100, now disguised as Keanu Reaves on a speeding bus. John jumps for cover, that is, somewhere other than the reactor core, and hides from the Aliens swarming a cargo hold. Suddenly, Ian Malcolm appears in the hold and discusses how all these crazy events are covered the the chaos theory, brutally killing the Aliens with a special addendum on separate iterations.

John is promptly beamed out of the cargo hold by the Enterprise B, crew still nursing a grudge over it's loss to the Death Star earlier. Shortly after, the Death Star explodes, leaving John the winner by default. Confused, he walks up to Kirk, who is immediately killed and devoured by the Tyrannosaurus Rex and Rancor being kept as pets.

Even more baffled, John asks "How did this happen, anyway?"

Will Smith rotates his navigational chair, chomps on a cigar, and replies, "42. That's all there is to it."

- Rosalind King


First of all I would like to state that I am truly offended that you couild Possibly compare McClane to MacGyver, and spelled his name wrong to boot! I mean sure they may both have Scottish last names, but the a between the MC alone makes Macgyver superior...sorry I just happen to be MacGyver's number one fan, but even though McClane is inferior to MacGyver, I think he could take on the Death Star hands down. For one thing, He's already taken out Vader, where's the challenge? Besides, all of Vader's followers would be in complete upheaval without him that complete anarchy would ensue as to who would take his place. Without a leader it would be like a chicken with its head cut off. Everyone would be preoccupied with Vader's demise that McClane could sneak in no problem and take out anything he wants.

I also agree that the storm troopers are utterly worthless. Vader himself is worth 37,000 storm troopers by himself, and McClane took him out. I mean PLEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAASE as if! Besides he's a fictional hero. They always win, they have to, otherwise there's no sequel, and nobody makes any money. Besides Bruce probably already has another Die Hard movie coming up. He can't die! He's just like the energizer Bunny he just keeps going....Speaking of which, you ought to put the energizer bunny in one of these, I can see him as quite a formidable opponent.

- Lindsay Rogers AKA Mustang


The Admiral, Franz Gruber, discovers the body. Realizing McClane is on the Death Star, he calls for reinforcements. He knows his dumbass stormtroopers are no match for McClane, so he calls up some bounty hunters, namely Boba Fett.

After an hour of McClane wasting stormtroopers and imperial guards, Boba Fett arrives on the station and finds McClane in the elevator shaft. Each fire off 48,317 shots and take one hit. McClane gets a flesh wound in the leg, which would require most people to have upwards of two hours of surgery, but he will be able to fix himself up later in the bathroom. Boba Fett gets a dent in his armor. McClane, using New York City cockroach level intelligence, blasts a hole in the wall and jumps in.

He ends up in the trash compacter with a garbage monster. "Al!" shouts John when he discovers the garbage monster is his twinkie eating buddy from the first two movies. Al and John head to the communications room and attempt to radio Earth and warn them, but they get some jerk-off on the line telling them this particular channel is for Global Disasters only. McClane says, "No fucking shit lady, does it sound like I'm ordering a pizza?"

They leave, and after another 37,573 stormtrooper casualties, Boba Fett finds McClane and beats the living shit out of him, then takes off John's head with a blaster. When John wakes up he sees Death from Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey, who was played by the same guy who was the bad guy in Die Hard 2. Death says, "If you wish to go back, you may challenge me to a contest." John proceeds to beat Death at twister, battleship, clue, mah-jongg, chutes and ladders, crazy eights, risk, pictionary, and three out of five karaoke songs.

McClane goes back to the Death Star and meets up with Al the garbage monster again. They blast their way through 4,652,981 stormtroopers before reaching Admiral Gruber's quarters. They bust down the door and find him playing charades with Boba Fett, Holly M. Gennero-Vader, and Jabba the Hut. Jabba is winning. 2.7 seconds later Holly and Jabba are dead. Al the garbage monster eats them. Boba Fett removes his helmet, revealing he is actually Karl from Die Hard 1. John ignites the lightsaber he got from Darth and takes off Karl's head. John, using near-Mentos level coolness, says, "Yippie-Ki-Yay, Mother Fucker" in such a way that it doesn't sound stupid after saying it in all three previous movies and having no apparent significance in the second one. Then he cuts up Admiral gruber into twelve thousand little pieces.

McClane then finds a long shaft and drops a chewing-gum size wad of plastic explosive down it. The Death Star explodes in a fiery ball. McClane watches the flames come up the shaft before running to the edge of the Death Star and jumping off of it, attached to a 2,000,000,007 foot rope made solely out of shower curtains, and lands back on Earth, the blow cushioned by the remnants of Al the garbage monster that landed there just seconds before. McClane 4-0, Death Star 0-3.

-Some Dork


Date line- Death Star

"The Death Star was destroyed today when one of New York's finest accidently ignited a pale of oily rags. Officer John McClane was sneaking around in Sector J when he tossed a Marlboro butt into what he believed to be an ashtray. When approached later, McClane stated, "Get outta my face scumbag, I need smokes".

Darth Vader could not be reached for comment.

- Dick Thraves


John McClane, stolen Cool Vader Blue (tm) LightSaber (tm) in one hand, Imperial Blaster-Rifle (tm) in the other, and several pounds of conveniently available High Explosive (tm) in a neet bandolier, burst into the Death Star (tm) command center and Very Tender Spot (tm).

Admiral Tarkin found himself pinned to the wall, with the LightSaber an inch from his throat.

"British? They sent a British wanker to do a German's job? Yippie-Kai-Yay motherfucker!"

With that, the ex admiral's corpse slunk to the floor. After tossing the explosive down the convenient Bottomless Pit (tm) (which leads to the main reactor), McClane hightailed it out of there on a conveniently located Tie (tm), just moments before the Death Star (tm) blew itself into a billion pieces.

- Nicholas C. Weaver


I think the answer to this one is pretty obvious. Think about it this way--would Han Solo or Luke Skywalker, even working together, be able even raise McClane's pulse rate? Yet these wimps were able to trash the Death Star. If those guys could take the Death Star, McClane will be able to do it even after 6 shots of Jack Daniels. Put it another way--can you imagine Bruce Willis in "Regarding Henry"? I rest my case.

- Tim Shannon


A second moon rises in the night sky of Earth. Millions throng the streets, crowd the rooftops, staring and pointing. Of all the emotions swirling through the multitudes, one surmounts all others: fear.

The Empire wouldn't have it any other way.

Meanwhile, back in space ...

An exhausted John McClane, his t-shirt torn and grimy, his muscled arms covered with blood and scars, awaits his own personal doom. The blast doors are locked, but cutting lasers are starting to burn their way through. Soon the Stormtroopers will break back into their control center, in numbers he can't hope to defeat.

He'd come so close in twenty three and three-quarter hours, fighting through dozens of miles of corridors, slaughering hundreds of Imperial Clay Pigeons in White. He'd made it to the nerve center of the Death Star, only to have a Stormtrooper's laser go wide as always, and blow out the reactor control panel before he could set it to overload. He'd wrecked everything else he could find himself in a spasm of rage, hoping the main gun was still vulnerable. The countdown ringing through the speakers told him otherwise.

His collected lasers empty, the batteries in Vader's light sabre dead (Supervolt, D**N!), McClane is out of hardware, ideas, and time. He sags against a bulkhead. "Geez, what a way to go!" he chuckles mordantly. "Beam me up, Scotty!"

There's a crackle of static. McClane's comlink, with which he'd been taunting the Imperials, comes to life. "Ah thought ye'd never ask, lad. Energizing now." McClane reels off a witty 'What the f-' before he dematerializes.

The U.S.S. Enterprise screams toward the surface of the Death Star, unmolested by the shields and lasers which McClane has knocked out in his own assault. It sends a pair of photon torpedoes through the exhaust vent with millimeters to spare. (Spock figured out that one weakness without taking his brain out of first gear.) With a burst of warp speed, they outrun the titanic blast that follows.

Enterprise wins sweet revenge, as a harmony of New York and Aberdeen voices strikes up. "Oh, the weather outside is frightful ..."

- Call Me Shane


McClane just doesn't have what it takes to wipe out the death star. In fact, I don't see how he could possibly even make it off alive.

Historically, the most important factor in escaping from the Death Star has been Luke Skywalker. Only two escapes have ever been made, and he was present every time. McClane, without the help of The Force, doesn't stand a chance. Most likely, he'll try the screaming-in-the-ejector-seat (tm) escape, and will then learn about the cold realities of the vacuum of space.

So, if McClane can't blow up and escape from the Death Star, who can?

DUKE NUKEM!

-Slepyhed


Wait just one minute! How in the HELL did John MacLean defeat Lord Vader? I mean, the guy doesn't have an ounce of The Force (tm) in him... Darth Vader kicked more total ass in one movie than MacLean did in all three Die Hards!

Maybe he caught Vader in a rubber room (no telekinesis) with some brand new SuperVolt (tm) batteries in the old light sabre. I don't know, but I can't wait for _that_ Grudge Match "Prequal".

But the movies are all about suspending disbelief...

Since the SuperVolts (tm) render the light sabre useless, MacLean really doesn't have any firepower at his disposal. Even if his primitive mind could grasp the concepts behind the Ass Kickin' Planet Bustin' Death Ray (the Amodium Pu38 Explosive Space Modulator) without The Force (tm), he has no means to disable it.

No, I fear Earth will have to do far better than John MacLean if it is to save itself. Perhaps the Fresh Prince could steal a Tie Fighter...

- Eric Klinker


If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Death Star v. Enterprise
Other Star Wars based Grudge Matches
Grudge Match goes to the Movies

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