Behind them they hear a set of blast doors open. The admiral and his legion of storm troopers turn and see a horrifying sight. There sits Darth Vader, slumped over dead in a chair. He is wearing a Santa hat, and something is written in blood on Darth Vader's black cape. As they unfurl it, the admiral reads the message:
"Ho Ho Ho. Now I have a light saber!"
So, with Darth Vader out of the picture, and the Emperor "far, far away" (thus no Force to speak of), can John McClane stop the Death Star before it reaches Earth?
McClane, a master of diversion AND hide-n-go-seek (tm) will be setting off explosions all over the death star, blowing out a computer panel here, flaming out some air ducts there. No one will have a clue what's going on...except for Mr. McClane. The way I see it, McClane runs around for about 20 hours, kills about 37,000 storm troopers, suffers injuries which, if inflicted on mere mortals, would require 450 stitches, and still gets enough free time to figure out how the Death Star works, all with the help of a twinkie-eating police officer back on Earth whom he is communicating with on a souped-up ham radio. After 20 hours, McClane figures out the same chain reaction Achilles' Heel the Jedis knew about. After a few hours work, he sets it off just as the Death Star is preparing to fire. McClane, of course, barely escapes the explosion in a hijacked TIE-fighter.
STEVE: Brian, I think you've gone over the edge this time. True, McClane has gotten out of some pretty tight jams, but he has never come close to anything like this before. The Death Star (which has been victorious in the past) is just too big for one man to take on without special abilities (like the force). Honestly, John is a NYC cop. All he knows is coffee, donuts, and booze. He has no clue about how tractor beams and reactor cores work. He could possibly figure out the light saber and blast guns, but he could kill storm troopers all day (probably will) and still not make a dent in the Death Star. As anyone who has seen Star Wars knows, the only way to stop the Death Star is to take out the reactor. Contrary to what you say, John couldn't figure this out on his own, and even if he did there's nothing he could do about it. I don't recall any spare proton torpedos laying around. Result: Earth destroyed, John McClane spends the rest of his days hiding from storm troopers in the garbage compactor until the garbage creature drags him under one day.
Also, it's important to note that all of John's coolness will be lost upon the Death Star inhabitants. He can shout "Yippekaiyay" all he wants, but it won't make a lick of difference. Normally this would alert his enemies to how powerful and cool (even approaching Mentos (tm) level coolness) he was, and make them cower in fear, and force them into doing something stupid. However, the Empire has no idea what "Yippekaiyay" is, and it's effect will be lost. John loses one of his most powerful abilities, thus ensuring his quick demise.
BRIAN: Poor, naive Steve. You set a trap for yourself. You claim that the Death Star inhabitants wouldn't know how cool McClane was because they wouldn't know what "Yippekaiyay" meant. Well, something tells me those Germans didn't know what it meant either (perhaps it was the confused look on Hans Gruber's face the first time he heard it). But the Germans still knew how cool he was. And the Empire will as well. How does this work? Because John McClane actually SURPASSES Mentos (tm) level coolness. Thus, nothing can stop him, not bad waiters, not rude drivers, not lost sporting equipment, not escalators, not moon-size implements of destruction. (DOO-WAH! (tm))
And your other arguments are irrelevant (like you expected me to say anything else). Sorry, but beating up on the Enterprise doesn't count. Secondly, who says McClane needs proton torpedoes? That's what the Jedis used, but I'm sure it isn't the only way to set off that chain reaction, especially from the inside. Here's the way I see it: McClane thinks of the perfect diversion. He hooks up with Special Agent Johnson (no, the other one) to get a space-feed to the Death Star. Within minutes, the Death Star is on-line. And before you know it, half the crew is debating over who would win between a Rottweiler and a Rottweiler's weight in Chihuahuas (whatever those are) while the other half is on usenet explaining to Trekkie fans why they'd kick The Borg's sorry butt. Thus, with free reign, McClane easily discovers the ship's layout, puts together a MacGuyver-esque (tm) time-delay explosive, and is already halfway home as the Death Star meets its maker.
STEVE: First of all, let me note that it is impossible to surpass Mentos (tm) level coolness, as that is by definition the highest level of coolness possible. It's like going faster than the speed of light -- it's an absolute barrier that can't be overcome. Frankly Brian, it's sad when you have to violate the laws of physics in order to prove your point. Second, yet again you overestimate McClane's intelligence. Sure, he can kick ass, and has good gut instincts (like any fictional NYC cop). But to even make the comparison between him and MacGuyver is sacriligeous! In Die Hard III, John was presented with all sorts of riddles and brain teasers. How many did he figure out? Zero. It's a good thing an intelligent Samuel L. Jackson was with him, or he would have been dead meat ten minutes into the movie.
One final nail in McClane's coffin is the "bureaucratic desk-driving cop" factor. He simply cannot function without his boss or some other agent telling him "That's not proper procedure" or "You're not in your jurisdiction" or that he's breaking some rule or other. This is what normally motivates him -- to do stuff in his no-nonsense kick-ass way, just like Dirty Harry, Axel Foley, and McGarnigle. Without the presence of another good-guy cop for him to piss-off, his heart just won't be in the work. Without the motivation, it's an easy victory for the Empire.
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The Death Star: Tends to explode
John McClane: Tends to cause things to explode
Sort of like Drew Barrymore versus the Hindenburg, when you take a look at it.
- Marc Moskowitz
We take you to NASA headquarters. The new experimental Mars Shuttle is en route to the red planet, and Mission Control is eagerly awaiting the results of the latest on-shuttle scientific experiment: One cop, a nerd, and a dog, all locked in a room with only a Super Nintendo and a "Battle Clash" Cartridge with the super-scope light gun to go with.
A similar experiment utilizing the same nerd, one "Dilbert," had brought forth many exciting discoveries, so this time the eggheads at NASA upped the ante, adding Dilbert's dog, Dogbert, and a grizzled New York cop named John McClane. To boot, the trio was being forced to watch episodes of various 80's television shows every other hour. Everything was going smoothly, until...
"Grand Moff Tarkin, sir?"
"Yes, Lt. Generic?"
"Well...um...begging your lordship's pardon, sir, but we're BORED. Our next target, Earth, won't be in range for at least 24 hours, and there's no rebels around to harass."
"Get to the point, Lieutenant, before I ask Lord Vader to turn your nose inside out."
"Well...sensors have picked up a small primitive craft, probably from Earth. Can we tractor beam it aboard and beat its crew up? PLEEEASE?"
At this point, you can guess what happens. The shuttle is pulled in, with the crew captured and taken to the prison block for the crew's later amusement. Fortunately for Our Heroes, the door to the test chamber was missed by the initial search party.
John peeks his head out the door of the room; after deciding it's safe, he motions for Dilbert and Dogbert to follow him. All he has with him in a dufflebag are: freeze-dried chocolate ice-cream, the super-scope light gun (useless as a weapon, but who knows...), a tool kit for Dilbert, a videotape from the VCR, and a jar of Tang.
First things first, John thinks. I need help, and I need to call Earth. With that in mind, he drags Dilbert to the nearest unattended tech-station.
Reginald VelJohnson awakes with a start as his phone rings. "MMmrph...hello? Who IS this?"
"Hey, it's me, John! How're the twinkies today?"
"John. This BETTER be good."
Frantically explaining the situation, John fails to notice Dogbert's excited reaction when the "Big Gun That Can Blow Up The Planet" is mentioned.
After another hour of searching for any sort of clue, Our Heroes crawl out of a airvent into the sleeping quarters of none other than The Boy In Black, Darth Vader. Thinking quickly, John loads the video cassette from his bag into the sleeping Sith-Lord's chest module; his person violated, Vader of course wakes with a start, but his mind REELS as six hours of "Moonlighting" is downloaded directly into his cybernetic brain. The mounting sexual tension between 'Dave' and 'Maddie' on the show becomes too much for him to bear, as he hasn't gotten any in YEARS himself, and since the episode where they finally do sleep with each other is not on the tape, Darth is denied a release, and dies in a convulsing heap on the floor.
After the body of Vader is discovered, John and Co. are on the run! John finally manages to obtain a blaster rifle after bluffing his way through a room of troopers by "covering" them with the super-scope. Once he gets a REAL gun in his hand, though...well, you've all seen John McClane work before. You know what to expect.
Dilbert, on the other hand, has been hard at work (while being guarded by John) at deciphering the Death Star's computers. He's just located The reactor core on the map (next to Housewares, 3rd room on the left, 270 levels down) when he notices that Dogbert is missing....
Grand Moff Tarkin sighed. It was just going to be one of those days, wasn't it? Vader dead, the Emperor asking for hourly status reports, and now some small white dog had locked him in his bathroom, after the small creature had cornered him with what looked to be Darth's lightsaber.
Dogbert was having a giggle-fit. This was so great! After dreaming day after day about becoming Supreme Ruler of Earth, he finally had the means! All he had done was storm the bridge, wearing Vader's helmet and brandishing the lightsaber, claim to be Vader's reincarnation, and the morons BOUGHT IT! He had the world hostage, a private army of millions, and a really comfy chair with a WIDE-screen TV set in the wall! What else could a small megalomanaiacal dog need?
John and Dilbert, in the meantime, were making serious headway towards the reactor core. The body count had reached triple digits by this point, but who's surprised by that? Along the way, the pair stopped to break the shuttle crew out of jail. Unforunately for the astronauts, they fall under the category of "cannon fodder" for this evening's entertainment, and are thus all killed in a cross-fire during a breakout sequence that would have put a smile on John Woo's face. All the astronauts, save one, died a horrible lasered death. The sole survivor, now accompanying John M. and Dilbert on their quest for the reactor core, was a cute little French mathematician who kept calling John "Butch", and made numerous comments on the high quality of Dilbert's potbelly.
Meanwhile, back on Earth, Reginald VelJohnson was stuck. He had called NASA to explain what had happenned to their shuttle, and they had hung up on him after calling him a very rude name. He had tried to convince his boss at the policestation, and the Chief had responded by asking him what he was lacing his twinkies with these days, and if Reggie could send ten pounds of it to his office "at once." Then it hit him in a moment of pure, horrifying clarity. He needed to strike at the heart of the enemy, but how? How could he cause such mass chaos and confusion in the Imperial Ranks that it would ruin their plans? How indeed. Reginald VelJohnson smiled, and stepped outside to knock on his next-door neighbor's front door.
Dilbert brushed off his hands on his shirt and adjusted his tie (which of course was as about as effective as melting a glacier with a zippo). "That should do it. We have about 2 hours left to get off the station before this bomb made of a surgical glove, freese-dried ice-cream, three tablespoons of Tang, and my belly-button lint (won't the guys at work be impressed when I tell them about THIS one!) goes off, taking the station with it! Let's go!"
Dogbert smiled. Earth was in range, and he had just opened hailing frequencies with the U.N. "Attention, all you mindless morons! I am Dogbert Vader, your new supreme--" ...and that was as far as he got before the viewscreen was suddenly filled with the face of a young African-American teenager with glasses, wide eyes, and the most nasal voice known to man and dog alike. The boy looked up from the control panel he had been "only looking at" just moments before.
"Did *I* do that?"
Reggie smiled. The bane his existance, his neighbor, Urkel, was finally proving useful. He had dragged the boy to his ham radio set, told Urkel in no uncertain terms that he was to "clean the radio, but DON'T touch any buttons", closed the door, and counted to ten. Before he had reached six, Urkel had already knocked over the radio, accidently directed the transmission dish into deep space (pointed right at the D.Star), and hit the on switch. Reggie sighed happily.
Aboard the Death Star, things had rapidly gone all higgledy-piggledy. Half the crew was clutching their sides in laughter, directed at the boy on the screen (if you asked them why they were laughing, they couldn't have told you exactly why), and the other half of the crew was shooting at each other in the homicidal rage that everyone gets when they are confronted with That Which Is Really Un-Funny.
John passes by the bridge long enough to snag Dogbert (at Dilbert's request), pulling the weeping canine from his new throne. After much begging on Dogbert's part, John lets him keep the Darth Vader helmet and the lightsaber.
Finally, with only minutes before the bomb detonates in the reactor core, John spots the TIE Fighter that goes with the keys he found in Vader's room. Hitting the button on the keychain, the hatch opens with a loud "boop-beep-boop", and he clambers inside, with Dogbert, Dilbert, and the French astronaut in tow. As they settle into the padded seats, the French woman turns to John, who's starting up the engine.
"Who's spacecraft iz thiz?"
"It's not a spacecraft, baby, it's a custom TIE Fighter," John responds.
"Who's custom TIE Fighter iz thiz?"
"Darth's Dead, Baby. Darth's Dead."
And off they fly, with only a firm "Bad Dog!" being audible over the explosion of the Death Star.
- Isaac Sher
[ A prime contender for ROTW, but just so very long... -Ed]
- Cory Davis
Using such deception, the Death Star will "float like a butterfly, sting like a bee" and just when McClane thinks he's got the Empire on the ropes, the Death Star will deliver a knockout blow to planet Earth. With McClane's loved ones destroyed, and no more Al to help him out between twinkie breaks, John McClane will go down for the count.
- Matt Geis
First, the admiralty of the Empire are complete morons. It is truly amazing that there even is an Empire besides a few Death Stars and TIE fighters floating around. For instance, why put a Death Star anywhere near Endor. The main raw material source and work force available are bunches of big trees and rabid teddy bears. A more logical tactic would have been to build the thing in the middle of the rebel fleet. Also,the only kind of confrontation the admirals can tactically overcome is the frontal assualt like when they destroyed the rebel base on Hoth. Even then, almost all the rebels managed to escape while the Empire was making crushed ice for their margueritas. They wouldn't know how to handle an insurgent.
Secondly, John McClane has an affinity for ventilation shafts. From all appearances, Death Stars are nothing but a bunch of shafts surrounded by a metal skin with a few rooms thrown in to house the stormtroopers. McClane is on his home turf. He can hide anywhere from the pansies in white becuse they can't even turn their heads due to those stupid helmets.
Lastly, you have both acknowledged the most important point while overlooking its importance! McClane will clearly survive long enough to kill a great many people, with only Stromtroopers chasing him. But why kill 37,000 white geeks? All he must do is kill three shifts of firing engineers (hampered by dorky hats), the admirals (who all stay in one conference room whining anyway), and maybe a technician or two. Do you think a STORMTROOPER would be able to fire the Big Gun? Not only does Earth survive, but once the Stormtroopers have been eliminated, the Death Star is now in the possession of Earth, ready to blow wrinkly old Palpatine right out of his galaxy.
- Dave and Scott
Now to his adversaries: I'm sick and tired of everbody calling the Stormtroopers bad shots. Just because they get a little nervous when on TV/Film doesn't mean they suck. When they're on their own, they definetely kick ass ! Listen to old Obi-Wan ! (e.g. "precise gunpoints", "only Stormtroopers could..." blah blah blah). So while the unfortunate Troopers battling McCLane when he is on-screen die, they will get him in the scene when some imperial aide walks up to the commander and says: "Sir, we completed an analysis of the intruder's smell. There is a certain danger." They'll simply relax because they're off-screen and blast the shit out of McClane.
BTW: How the hell did McClane get onto the DS ? Ok, he's been at the wrong place at the right time pretty often, but you can't be THAT wrong, can you ?
- Alexander Dietrich
The action might go something like this: He runs into the computer guru who clears the security system to allow him access to any place he may go. While John is running amuck, his computer friend is sending false alarms all over the Death Star and sending them through so many different paths that only he can figure out what is going on. In John's travels in the air handling system, he is blasting holes in everything he can keeping the stormtroopers just one step behind him all the while. One of the holes he blasts gives him no path but down into the trash pit (causing him to soil his nice, white tank style undershirt) where he has a more important foe - the trash monster. He kills the trash monster, which also pisses the Admiral off since this puts the second trash disposal out of commission which means New York City style trash piles. Once he gets away from the trash pit, he makes his way to the main reactor, sets his light saber up to overload by trying to charge it in the 220V socket coming straight off the reactor (his saber was only designed for 110V), and runs like hell for the closest flight bay. Once there, his computer friend clears him for take off in Darth Vader's Tie Fighter (we know Darth won't need it since he has already joined Ben, Yoda, and about a million stormtroopers in the great beyond) and makes it out of the bay just before the explosion which takes out another third of the mighty Death Star. Once back on Earth, John will still be unable to strike a victory in the greatest battle in his life - marital problems.
- John Hepp
As stated, if the force is not involved, the earth becomes space dust. So let's assume that the force is involved. If McClane survives and understands the advice from Obi Wan, he might actually have a chance. However, the force is not limited by such trivial things as space and time. The Emperor need not be present to exert the dark side of the force. He crushes McClane's puny brain long distance (only 10 cents a minute). Death Star still wins. Game. Set. Match.
Unfortunately, McClane's wife will be the only survivor of the planet wide devastation, thus leading to a sequel with so much hype that all viewers are dissapointed. Of course, this can only lead to a fox weekly series (tm).
- Vic Drover, University of Alberta
HELLO? McClane took out Darth? NO, children, I fear you have fallen for another bit of 20th Century Fox propaganda. Think about it: when they make yet another Die Hard, who's gonna see it? ("McClane's back in 'Please Die Hard': this time, they're trapped in a phone booth!") So, to drum up excitement about the new one, they decide to stage the death of another Infamous Bad Guy[TM] at McClane's hands. Who better to take out than Darth? He's the ultimate badass, and nothing short of bringing Mark Hamill back will kill the box office draw for the new Star Warses.
So, they give Darth an extended vacation in a Bacta tank in the Bahamas, and they give McClane a big publicity boost. It soon turns against them, however, as Darth learns he's rumored to have been killed by a low-life like Bruce Willis. Darth climbs out of his submerged lounge chair and books a flight to LA, where he cuts Bruce into two dozen small, cauterized pieces (and there was much rejoicing) and takes a bedazzled, widowed Demi Moore for his own.
Any further suggestions that Darth could be killed by such a miserable actor will see the suggestor sentenced to repeated viewings of 'Hudson Hawk'.
Now The Terminator maybe,
John McClane on the other hand gets beat up and bleeds a lot, and whines about it during the whole movie.....storm troopers? No they get blasted and die and you don't hear a complaint from them.....
MCLANE would blow up the death star though....he would infiltrate the reactor core as the new star to the three prelude movies that Stephen Speilberg didn't film but strangely enough was working on, and blow the whole place to kingdom come.
TRAGIC POSTSCRIPT TO THIS STORY: The death star does blow into little pieces but remains relativley whole. The entire thing explodeds and doen't burn up in the atmosphere. It crashes on earth, causes a cloud to rise into the air and kills off the dinosaurs. It also leaves that really cool crater in Arizona.
Demi Moore versus the Stormtroopers - now that might be more of an even matchup....
- Jeff Langcaon
There is only one possible explanation for all these impossible things. The Infinite Improbability Drive (tm)!!! Obviously the Heart of Gold (tm) is lurking about in the area. No doubt its crew is watching to see the outcome. Unfortunately, its presence makes short work of those impossible odds. With probability turned upside down, John strolls down the hallways with blaster fire raining down on him, every single shot missing. His own blaster never runs out of ammo, and every shot scores a direct hit on two troopers. Meanwhile, an R2 unit is rolling in front of him, oblivious to the mayhem, opening every door. At the precisely worst possible moment, he slips on an oil spill and tumbles into a control panel. His hand lands on a number pad and enters a top secret security code. His elbow pushes a lever as he scrambles to his feet and activates the little known self-destruct sequence (actually it never existed until now). As he rights himself, the hapless R2 unit runs into him and pushes him into an escape pod. He is jettisoned into space just as the Death Star explodes in a flash of light into a million pieces, each one shaped like Bart Simpson. The pod lands on a tropical island in the Pacific where McClane lives out the rest of his life worshipped as a god by the natives.
John McClane: 4-0 Death Star: 1-3
- Robert Lamm
Oh my gosh! What am I saying! I better make a doctors appointment immediately! I'm not feeling too good.
- Kenton Gidewall
- Morgan Lewis
As far as I can tell, the only problem McClane is going to have is finding enough of an opposition to make the movie interesting. As it stands, this is like Die Hard 4: Death on the Love Boat.
- Mark Langsdorf
- Ted Kreutz
ps For more information on the death star, specifically the new day-care center, click here.
One, as stated before, the intelligence (or lack of) of the Storm Troopers. John is no Einstein, but he may even kill more of them than all the Sly/Arnold/C. Norris movies combined, making him the All Time Greatest Action Hero (tm). Second, if two losers like Hans Solo and Luke Skywalker can run loose with their pet dog, uh, bear, uh, whatever and two idiot robots, and go basically wherever they want, a street smart (tm) fictional NYC cop will own the place in minutes!
Third, have you seen a Death Star? There are more places to hide on one of them than in all of Mexico! Fourth, Hollywood. Hollywood made those guys. Hans Solo was a John Wayne wannabe. They know of Earth and (since they all speak English (some with pronounced German accents, now why is that?) they have seen all the reruns beamed into space on Nick at Night (tm). Yippekaiyay Mudda @$*^$@ will work on them just fine.
And lastly, John won't need the home worlds bureaucracy to motivate him. He will have the knowledge that if the Death Star wins, the Dark Forces (another term for Bureaucracy) will be in charge. He will became just another Storm Trooper (if'n he survives). Earth might be conquered, but it would never be destroyed. The last aliens tried that and failed (see ID4). John will use all that is available to him, i.e. all his friends back home, the internet (beamed over Bill Gates low trajectory satellite network), some cool guns and light sabres, plenty of poetic license, and just plain good fun, filled with fires and explosions. Hell, he might even call up his "young" old pals, Bevis and Butthead to help him "blow stuff up" (tm).
- Greg Page
McClane has already slain Darth Vader, the overpowering and fearful leader of the "mighty" Death Star. What challenge is left? McClane plays games with the remaining Nazi-like commanders of the soon to be Dead Star. McClane's experience with Gruber left him well seasoned to deal with sinister Teutonic-like minds. The result is the strategic equivalent of pitting the Godfather against the KeyStone Cops.
Oh, I forgot. The Death Star has a history of victory here on the pages of the WWWF. However, consider the competition!!! These Death Star victories only indicate that McClane will have an easier time aboard the Enterprise than Bugs Bunny has with Elmer Fudd.
- Dr. Joe
The key to McClane's success is the area within which he must work--the more area, the more successful. Starting with Nakotome towers, then an airport, then the 5 boroughs of New York City; each time he could overcome greater and greater challenges. Give him an entire Death Star to operate in and all the stormtroopers from Tatooine to the Ice Planet Hoth couldn't stop him!
"And hey, Darth Vader, with that dark and evil mask... Did he scare you as much as he scared me?" -Bill Murray, Saturday Night LiveMacGuyver vs Death Star would be no match on the basis of all the cool gadgetry available--I've often wondered what havoc he could wreak with more resources than just chewing gum and popsicle sticks. But with McClane it is a question of motivation--he was at his best mentally when he was saving family members (and thus the need for help in the third Die Hard opus). With all of Earth on the line, I've got no choice but to believe that he takes his game to another level.
- Mike Hudson, Chicago
If "The Hollywood Factor" is able to suspend reality to the point of complete absurbity such as above, John's escapade in the Death Star should be a snap. At least the inhabitants of the Death Star speak english. Just make sure he has a power mac....
- Will and Amy Thomas
His escape will also be effortlessly arranged by a correlative property of his Chaos Factor (tm) which works together with his Die Hardness (tm) to ensure random events will align to free him. Undoubtedly he will latch onto a fragment of the exploding Death Star which will be thrown clear of the explosion, and he will smash through a self-repairing window of a nearby luxury starcruiser, landing bruised but intact onto the bed of an appropriately buxom princess.
- Tony Winkler, University of Michigan
- Ben Evans
- J. Carl Molinari
Besides, there are more stormtroopes than McClane has room on his arms to write down all their names. Star in a landslide.
- Greg Hoyt
- Perry Friedman, Stanford University
[McClane], along with a large amount of debris, atmosphere, and technicians is blown out into space by the final stages of the explosion. Just like when he ejected out of the plane in the second movie, except the explosion is bigger and has little "tinkle tinkle" effects in it. He could call it quits here, with victory achieved, but then he wouldn't be able to make any more "Die Hard" sequels, so he fights on.
Luckily for McClane, the Death Star had closed to point-blank range with Earth just prior to the explosion, and he was on the side facing the planet, so his eyes are only just starting to bug out like the people in Total Recall before he begins reentry. He is able to shield himself behind a chunk of hull plating and consequently avoid being vaporized during the initial stages of his fall.
Then he mounts the thinner -- thanks to ablating -- plate and rides it down like a surfboard, using it to slow and direct his descent as he looks frantically for a way to cushion his landing. Finally he notices a couple buildings with large crowds surrounding them and angles that way, hoping for a dramatic impact.
Amazingly, he crashes through the roof of one building, totally destroying it but somehow shedding velocity slowly enough to avoid death or even meaningful injury, although his shirt is totally torn away. He staggers outside, issues his famous "Yippekaiyay" phrase, and nimbly sidesteps the "Hard Rock Cafe" sign as it crashes to the ground beside him. Pushing his way through the adoring crowd, John heads to the Planet Hollywood across the street for a drink. It's Miller time. (TM)
- R. Scott Bailey
- Nick Hall
Yep, John McClane could do it and get out in time. The only problem seems to be how LONG it might take him to complete his mission. After all, the Death Star is BIG! Would people really stay and watch this match for the (let's say) fourteen or fifteen hours it might run? Of course, there will be those who will say that he would do it in 90 minutes flat with rising crescendos and fade to black. Who's to say?
- Exar Kun
Certainly John would be able to get ahold of some stormtrooper armor and walk around easily, and of course there is the conveniently-placed dissident scientist in the holding cells aboard the Death Star who knows much about the inner workings of the station, including how to disable the tractor beam, set a timer to blow the station apart, and how to die as he and McClane are about to commandeer an Imperial shuttlecraft to escape within seconds of the explosion.
- Matthew Davis
Second of all, you claim that Mentos level coolness can not be surpassed (using your mistaken belief in the speed of light as support.) I have two words that flatly refute your belief. James Bond. Nothing more need be said on that matter.
Now, McClane would realize he is up against far superior numbers, so a bit of strategy would be in order. He's seen Star Wars, and learned a useful technique in avoiding Stormtroopers. Simply hide in a room, and lock the door. (I actually watched Star Wars this morning on USA [I think]). When Storm Troopers are searching, they don't look behind locked doors -- it's true, watch the film if you don't believe me. That's what he would do. Stealthily, John would move from room to room, locking doors as he go. He wouldn't be found, and would have time to overload the reactor, steal a ship, and escape unscathed.
- Christopher (Back, after two years away..)
- John Hunter
Using his ally's extensive connections, McClane sets up radio, television and internet feeds to the rest of the space station, providing America's finest entertainment. Tens of thousands of bored, lonely, sexually frustrated Imperials are simply unable to resist. Thousands gather around public viewscreens and are turned into couch potatoes by Seinfeld, David Letterman, The X-Files, MTV, Monday Night Football, ESPN's Sportscenter, Melrose Place, Baywatch and The Home Shopping Channel. Meanwhile, even more satisfy their long frustrated desires in secret with the Playboy Channel, Spice and gifs of Jenny McCarthy and Pamela Lee. While the Detention Center and the Fighter Wings face off in Duke Nukem Dukematches and the main gunners are busy in chat rooms, the command structure is neutralized by unauthorized Solitaire games. Only the Admiral, who fears a long-distance choke hold by the Emperor, tries to keep order but is unable to stop the shouts of "STERN RULES!" and "Megadittos!" that occasionally can be heard over the blasting Rock'n'Roll. All John has to do is sit back, relax and protect the Communications Room from the occasional unlucky intruder.
Then, as the virus is almost fully loaded, McClane lowers the boom. The radio starts playing the "Milli Vanilli/ Yoko Ono/ 2 Live Crew/ Bee Gees/ Vanilla Ice/ New Kids on the Block/ Osmonds/ Abba/ Barry Manilow" Marathon. The TV gets only four stations: Comedy Central, HBO in the middle of "Police Academy 6", PBS during "Barney & Friends" and ABC during "America's Funniest Home Videos." Meanwhile, all the computers begin emulating Commodore 64s. The entire crew is made helpless while suffering through major "quality entertainment" withdraw symptoms, except for those that died of embarrassment when they discovered they were fantasizing to Dr. Katz. McClane coolly walks to a waiting shuttle, hums a few bars of "It's The End of the World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)" and flies away.
Seconds before the virus takes effect, the Admiral finally climbs over the comatose bodies and gets to Communications. He reaches the computer just in time to scream "WHAT THE *^%& IS WINDOWS 95?!" before the entire Death Star suffers a General Protection Fault and explodes.
From the safety of his shuttle, McClane pushes a few buttons and activates the communications array. "You know, you would make a good cop, Mr. Gates." "Just call me 'Bill'."
- Paul Golba
- Kris Newton
- Rameet Kohli
- Stephen Frazier
The Death Star is also at its strongest when it fights against BIG things (Alderaan, the Enterprise) but is extremely vulnerable to small things (X-wing fighters, Ewoks.) So in our contest, we will have a small thing very good at fighting BIG things against a BIG thing that has been twice blown up by very small things.
No contest. For McClane, it'll be just like blasting womp-rats in Beggar's Canyon back home.
- Allen Carlson
Simply put, this hard-bitten NY cop has been the star of three films, while the Death Star appeared in one film as an obstacle to be overcome, a PLOT DEVICE, fergoodnessakes. Get over it.
Prediction: John McClane in 89 minutes. (Director's Cut: 93 minutes)
- Sandy McMurray (Mr.)
- Dad (tm)
- Edward L. Williams
- DanGauldin, st. louis
John won't be alone for long. Just like the Afghanni Freedom Fighters, he will be joined by rebels, defectors, and other insurgent-types on the Inside. When faced with a Coolness Quotient the size of John's, do you really think there wouldn't be Empire defector's? Who's side would you be on: the man who removed Darth, or the remnants of Darthdom?
The Empire defectors hook John up, tell him how to destroy the Death Star, and help him escape to another sequel.
Gosh, give us a hard one.
- Paul Jones
First lets consider all these Stormtroopers. With all those cold-blooded killers running around you would think that they would kill anyone the caught that didn't belong. But then people who think theat didn't bother to consider that Stormtroopers are the bad guys version of a Star Trek security officer, only dressed in white instead of red; and as any intelligent person know, Star Trek security officers always buy the big one at some point. Also, McClane has a perfect track record against cold-blooded killers. With Darth Vader dead (the only real driving force behind the Stormtroopers) there will effectively be no real opposition for John to face. Oh, I admit that they might delay him a bit, but in the end it'll just bring the whole situation to the same type climax that he works best in.
Now lets consider the Death Star itself. Yup, it sure is big. Of course so was the Skyscraper in Die Hard and more importantly, New York State in Die Hard With A Vengeance. The only part of the Death Star that John McClane will really need to concern himself with is the Reactor or Control Room. Here is where we get the twist that always occur in the Die Hard Movies: John McClane will crash the Death Star into the Moon! Oh, anyone can get into the reactor and set off a chain reaction, but that would just not be exciting enough. What will actually happen is that McClane will break into the Control Room, kill all the pilots, then destroy the controls. At this point, the Death Star will be just seconds away from firing the main gun. Suddenly the gravity will give out and the Death Star will begin the list and veer off course. McClane, having already learned the location of the docking bay because in the course of learning about the whole plot, he has traveled the entire length of the Death Star, will then backtrack and steal the obligatory tie-fighter. To help him fly home, McClane will have rescued a prisoner from the detention center who will know how to pilot one.
And now for the real surprise. Why was the Death Star out to destroy the Earth?? Because The Emporer is really... Hans Gruber's Father!!! He wants to destroy the Earth in a futile attempt to get revenge on john McClane, and as we already know, it will be doomed to failure.
- Delos E. Rifenburgh, IV
With Vader out of the picture, all John has to fight are stormtroopers. Stormtroopers who can't shoot a stationary target, much less a moving target. John just needs to jam a few doors, jump a few access tunnels, and suddenly we'll find the stormtroopers playing with the garbage beast.
The 'no extra powers' edge was mentioned. The Lightsaber I believe makes up for this. We know it can redirect blaster fire and cut through anything (such as a reactor core). So, John finds the access duct, turns the saber on, tosses it into the duct, and speeds off in a hotwired TIE fighter as the saber slices open the core.
I thought that you might be amused to see the tremendous amount of debate that this particular grudge match engendered over the e-mail system here at work. Here are our best efforts...
Subject: Re: grudge match Author: Donna Peronace Date: 8/20/96 4:05 PM Ah, I was trying to address this earlier today after reading the set up, unfortunately, the system crashed in the middle of my comments. I was fascinated by the fact that Mentos is the yardstick of coolness (a.k.a. freshness) even on The Grudge (tm). Also, the references to previous matches was hysterical. However, I totally agree with Brian, McClane will win. Without the Emperor and Vader the storm troopers will be running around like chickens with their heads cut off. McClane is nervy and smart, especially about how to destroy things. You can be sure that there is a way to blow the reactor with something less than a proton torpedo and McClane will find it. Also, you can't discount the coolness factor. I've read more than once that all of Earth's TV transmissions are perpetually beaming out into space and if you could get far enough away you could pick up first run episodes of I Love Lucy (tm), etc. I contend that the Empire is quite familiar with Earth's television programming and, in fact, that is why they want to destroy our Water Planet (tm - jyc). Therefore, I believe the Imperial troops will be quite in awe of McClane's command of the medium. Frankly, I think Steve has some personal prejudices affecting his choice. Note the way he disrespectfully refers to McClane by the familiar "John." I'm surprised he didn't go for something more minimizing like "Johnny." My only question is whether McClane will escape the Death Star's destruction himself since I have never heard that he has any piloting experience. However, like all Heroes (tm), he is a self-sacrificing guy and will go down with the ship if necessary to save Holly, the kids, and the rest of the planet. Still, I feel its likely that he'll figure out something. Once Vader's gone there are sure to be a few defectors on the Imperial side and if all else fails there's always hijacking a pilot along with the TIE-fighter. ______________________________ Forward Header Subject: Re: grudge match Author: Michele Liguori Date: 8/20/96 4:38 PM Well, y'all already know how I voted, but to give a little more insight: I mean, come on, he already defeated Darth Vader for chrissake! If he is capable of cacking Tall, Dark, and Wheezy (tm) there's no way the !@#$in' stormtroopers are going to be able to stop him! They will serve their usual purpose: fodder. He'll wrap a bunch of dynamite around a chair and a video monitor and drop it down some access shaft which will just happen to intersect with the exhaust vent and WHAMMO! Actually, he'll figure out something better than that. He'll figure out a way to do that *and* be in another, safer location when the Death Star shuffles off its mortal coil... ______________________________ Reply Separator Subject: Re: grudge match Author: Jennifer Jumper Date: 8/20/96 4:30 PM Yeah, but how can you dismiss the *size* of the death star?? McClane will be so wiped out from running around with cut bare feet trying to find where things are and the right elevator that he'll probably just fall asleep in the prison room with princess Leia. He won't have R2D2 around to show him precise diagrams of the death star floor plans, all 2,345 of them. Floors, that is. Unless, of course, McClane has taken a Win95 class recently. Then he should have no problem hacking into the death star's computers, because everyone knows that all lifeforms in the galaxy use Win95. ______________________________ Reply Separator Subject: Re: grudge match Author: Donna Peronace Date: 8/20/96 4:35 PM Exactly! That's why McClane will win! Look, the first Death Star was destroyed by a snot-nosed kid from Tatooine who'd never flown anything bigger than a speeder before. The second one was destroyed by Lando Calrissian who had to be getting a bit soft in his "administrative" duties in the cloud city. He hadn't even flown the Falcon in years for one thing and while I love the Milennium Falcon its recent reputation had been a bit shaky for taking on that job -- but they were still victorious! McClane's a professional whose taken on pros before and besides, like the rebel forces before him, he's on the "right" side.
- Steve Smith
1) John McClane is superhuman. Not only did he slice open his foot and not bleed to death, but he got shot in the arm and continued to fist fight, jumped onto the wing of a moving airplane, and surfed some sort of sewage water wave back to the land of the living. I don't know of any humans who have accomplished any of those feats.
2) John McClane is lucky. He barely missed being run over by plane. He jumped off of a burning high rise in LA and he stood on a street corner in the Bronx(I think!) with a sign saying: I hate n***ers.
Anyone with that combination of superhuman skills and luck could beat the Death Star, hands down.
But then there's the stormtrooper ineffectiveness factor. Certainly they're not the greatest shots and they can die by the hundreds without hitting anything, but like ants they're fated to win against a single foe by sheer force of numbers. Even Luke and Han were forced to withdraw when faced with the staggering masses of white-clad cannon-fodder. ("Run Luke, run!" think about it, won't you?)
So, while John is bound to take out plenty of stormtroopers in his attack on the Death Star, the lack of aid and props will be his eventual undoing. He's got nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, no convenient bombs to drop on his opponents. Finally, the universe will have it's revenge for Hudson Hawk, muhahahahahaha!
First, in both ANH and ROJ it took the firepower of a spacefighter to exploit the Achilles Heel style Reactor Core. McLane has what, a stolen blaster and Vader's LightSabre??
Second, keep in mind that in ANH it took the combined efforts of droids and human analysts to discover the weakness hidden in the labyrinth of schematics. If McLane has the brainpower to make any sense out of the plans (or even break into the computer to get them!), then what is he doing as a NY cop?!? As you've already said, Die Hard III gave planty of evidence for McLane's lack of mental might.
Third, McLane just isn't enough by himself. Perhaps if Samuel L. Jackson was along for this one as well it might work. How can one person get to the tractor beam controls, sneak into the fighter bays, figure out how to fly a TIE Bomber, and blow up the Death Star, all while being hunted by legions of StormTroopers? Remember, this is a guy who can't go for more than 10 minutes without having something around him blow up! It's not like he'll be able to pull an Obi-Wan invisibility trick or anything.
Finally, the Death Star is the size of a moon. Despite it's embarassing track record, it has never been taken out from the inside. If that was possible, don't you think Obi-Wan and Co would have done it in the first place in ANH?
After wasting hours trying to figure out how to work the nearest computer terminal, McLane gets swarmed by the 'Troopers, and manages to blow most of them away before backing himself into a corner. Disarmed and thrown into the Detention Cells, he awaits his execution. When some officers come into the room with the Interrogation Droid, McLane manages to overpower them and use some of the parts from droid to fix Vader's lightsaber (which was previously busted by a stray blaster shot). Rearmed, he escapes down the garbage chute. As he stands there planning his next move, he doesn't notice the tentacle creeping up to his right leg... A few hours later, the Death Star blasts Earth into smithereens (much more dramatic that bombs in NY) and sets a course for Venus...
- Scott Trigg, Lawrence University
- Vincent Mondaro
- Tom Luttkus
- Nancy Barry
- Jennifer Kangas
So, once again we see the Storm Troopers dying in mass. While it happens often, it never gets boring.
So anyway I came to the conclusion that The Death Star would definately beat up on that other dude....no reason just one of those things I suppose.
McClean, with 99% of his body covered in blood by the time the movie ends, but his wife will still slip him some tounge before the credits roll up the screen.
Five Borg Cubes surround the Death Star. The leader, a borged form of Ripley, informs the Death Star crew the the Borg will not allow the Death Star to take Earth before they do. The Death Star responds by vaporizing one of their ships, after which the Borg start firing into the main part of the hull.
Borg start appearing in the main control areas, and Storm Troopers set themselves up to defend the primary firing equipment. However they notice that the borg intruders are in fact... the Red Shirted Ensigns the Stormtroopers defeated in the previous gang war, given a second chance and out for revenge. The Storm Troopers are routed.
The Ensigns blast their way to the main control station and are about to assimilate it when a shadowy figure slices them to ribbons, then decloaks to reveal... Predator. The Death Star destroys another Borg Cube as the Predator stalks out the remaining borg and destroys them. Suddenly, Ripley appears on screen, her implants melting into an image of the T100 that worked it's way into the Borg system.
Of course, the old fashioned T800 makes a spectacular entrance bye nuking several sublevels and a trench or two. The Predator notices his telltale explosions and bolts onto the Millenium Falcon, which promptly crashes on the Death Star surface. Han Solo runs for it, but bumps into Indiana Jones on the way. The two of them adjust their hair to look properly scruffy, then take off for parts unkown. T800 blasts his way onto the surface, only to be swarmed by Ripley's Aliens and neutralized.
Meanwhile, John makes his way to the Core Reactor but is thwarted from setting a charge by the T100, now disguised as Keanu Reaves on a speeding bus. John jumps for cover, that is, somewhere other than the reactor core, and hides from the Aliens swarming a cargo hold. Suddenly, Ian Malcolm appears in the hold and discusses how all these crazy events are covered the the chaos theory, brutally killing the Aliens with a special addendum on separate iterations.
John is promptly beamed out of the cargo hold by the Enterprise B, crew still nursing a grudge over it's loss to the Death Star earlier. Shortly after, the Death Star explodes, leaving John the winner by default. Confused, he walks up to Kirk, who is immediately killed and devoured by the Tyrannosaurus Rex and Rancor being kept as pets.
Even more baffled, John asks "How did this happen, anyway?"
Will Smith rotates his navigational chair, chomps on a cigar, and replies, "42. That's all there is to it."
- Rosalind King
I also agree that the storm troopers are utterly worthless. Vader himself is worth 37,000 storm troopers by himself, and McClane took him out. I mean PLEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAASE as if! Besides he's a fictional hero. They always win, they have to, otherwise there's no sequel, and nobody makes any money. Besides Bruce probably already has another Die Hard movie coming up. He can't die! He's just like the energizer Bunny he just keeps going....Speaking of which, you ought to put the energizer bunny in one of these, I can see him as quite a formidable opponent.
- Lindsay Rogers AKA Mustang
After an hour of McClane wasting stormtroopers and imperial guards, Boba Fett arrives on the station and finds McClane in the elevator shaft. Each fire off 48,317 shots and take one hit. McClane gets a flesh wound in the leg, which would require most people to have upwards of two hours of surgery, but he will be able to fix himself up later in the bathroom. Boba Fett gets a dent in his armor. McClane, using New York City cockroach level intelligence, blasts a hole in the wall and jumps in.
He ends up in the trash compacter with a garbage monster. "Al!" shouts John when he discovers the garbage monster is his twinkie eating buddy from the first two movies. Al and John head to the communications room and attempt to radio Earth and warn them, but they get some jerk-off on the line telling them this particular channel is for Global Disasters only. McClane says, "No fucking shit lady, does it sound like I'm ordering a pizza?"
They leave, and after another 37,573 stormtrooper casualties, Boba Fett finds McClane and beats the living shit out of him, then takes off John's head with a blaster. When John wakes up he sees Death from Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey, who was played by the same guy who was the bad guy in Die Hard 2. Death says, "If you wish to go back, you may challenge me to a contest." John proceeds to beat Death at twister, battleship, clue, mah-jongg, chutes and ladders, crazy eights, risk, pictionary, and three out of five karaoke songs.
McClane goes back to the Death Star and meets up with Al the garbage monster again. They blast their way through 4,652,981 stormtroopers before reaching Admiral Gruber's quarters. They bust down the door and find him playing charades with Boba Fett, Holly M. Gennero-Vader, and Jabba the Hut. Jabba is winning. 2.7 seconds later Holly and Jabba are dead. Al the garbage monster eats them. Boba Fett removes his helmet, revealing he is actually Karl from Die Hard 1. John ignites the lightsaber he got from Darth and takes off Karl's head. John, using near-Mentos level coolness, says, "Yippie-Ki-Yay, Mother Fucker" in such a way that it doesn't sound stupid after saying it in all three previous movies and having no apparent significance in the second one. Then he cuts up Admiral gruber into twelve thousand little pieces.
McClane then finds a long shaft and drops a chewing-gum size wad of plastic explosive down it. The Death Star explodes in a fiery ball. McClane watches the flames come up the shaft before running to the edge of the Death Star and jumping off of it, attached to a 2,000,000,007 foot rope made solely out of shower curtains, and lands back on Earth, the blow cushioned by the remnants of Al the garbage monster that landed there just seconds before. McClane 4-0, Death Star 0-3.
"The Death Star was destroyed today when one of New York's finest accidently ignited a pale of oily rags. Officer John McClane was sneaking around in Sector J when he tossed a Marlboro butt into what he believed to be an ashtray. When approached later, McClane stated, "Get outta my face scumbag, I need smokes".
Darth Vader could not be reached for comment.
- Dick Thraves
Admiral Tarkin found himself pinned to the wall, with the LightSaber an inch from his throat.
"British? They sent a British wanker to do a German's job? Yippie-Kai-Yay motherfucker!"
With that, the ex admiral's corpse slunk to the floor. After tossing the explosive down the convenient Bottomless Pit (tm) (which leads to the main reactor), McClane hightailed it out of there on a conveniently located Tie (tm), just moments before the Death Star (tm) blew itself into a billion pieces.
- Nicholas C. Weaver
- Tim Shannon
The Empire wouldn't have it any other way.
Meanwhile, back in space ...
An exhausted John McClane, his t-shirt torn and grimy, his muscled arms covered with blood and scars, awaits his own personal doom. The blast doors are locked, but cutting lasers are starting to burn their way through. Soon the Stormtroopers will break back into their control center, in numbers he can't hope to defeat.
He'd come so close in twenty three and three-quarter hours, fighting through dozens of miles of corridors, slaughering hundreds of Imperial Clay Pigeons in White. He'd made it to the nerve center of the Death Star, only to have a Stormtrooper's laser go wide as always, and blow out the reactor control panel before he could set it to overload. He'd wrecked everything else he could find himself in a spasm of rage, hoping the main gun was still vulnerable. The countdown ringing through the speakers told him otherwise.
His collected lasers empty, the batteries in Vader's light sabre dead (Supervolt, D**N!), McClane is out of hardware, ideas, and time. He sags against a bulkhead. "Geez, what a way to go!" he chuckles mordantly. "Beam me up, Scotty!"
There's a crackle of static. McClane's comlink, with which he'd been taunting the Imperials, comes to life. "Ah thought ye'd never ask, lad. Energizing now." McClane reels off a witty 'What the f-' before he dematerializes.
The U.S.S. Enterprise screams toward the surface of the Death Star, unmolested by the shields and lasers which McClane has knocked out in his own assault. It sends a pair of photon torpedoes through the exhaust vent with millimeters to spare. (Spock figured out that one weakness without taking his brain out of first gear.) With a burst of warp speed, they outrun the titanic blast that follows.
Enterprise wins sweet revenge, as a harmony of New York and Aberdeen voices strikes up. "Oh, the weather outside is frightful ..."
- Call Me Shane
McClane just doesn't have what it takes to wipe out the death star. In fact, I don't see how he could possibly even make it off alive.
Historically, the most important factor in escaping from the Death Star has been Luke Skywalker. Only two escapes have ever been made, and he was present every time. McClane, without the help of The Force, doesn't stand a chance. Most likely, he'll try the screaming-in-the-ejector-seat (tm) escape, and will then learn about the cold realities of the vacuum of space.
So, if McClane can't blow up and escape from the Death Star, who can?
Maybe he caught Vader in a rubber room (no telekinesis) with some brand new SuperVolt (tm) batteries in the old light sabre. I don't know, but I can't wait for _that_ Grudge Match "Prequal".
But the movies are all about suspending disbelief...
Since the SuperVolts (tm) render the light sabre useless, MacLean really doesn't have any firepower at his disposal. Even if his primitive mind could grasp the concepts behind the Ass Kickin' Planet Bustin' Death Ray (the Amodium Pu38 Explosive Space Modulator) without The Force (tm), he has no means to disable it.
No, I fear Earth will have to do far better than John MacLean if it is to save itself. Perhaps the Fresh Prince could steal a Tie Fighter...
- Eric Klinker
If you liked this match, check out these other past
Death Star v. Enterprise
Other Star Wars based Grudge Matches
Grudge Match goes to the Movies
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