"Unfortunately, due to the excessive number of commercial spots, we will be unable to bring you both of the two remaining acts tonight. So instead, I've asked them both to come out and join each other on stage for the first time. Please welcome ...... Michael Jackson ....... and ...... Prince!"
The two superstars walk out to center stage and hug. Michael picks up a microphone and speaks to the crowd: "We will now sing a very special song for you. I hope you like it." Michael Jackson and Prince then start into a heart-warming rendition of Barry Manilow's classic I Write the Songs. The crowd's excited fanatical cheers turn into a din of anger and rage.
Prince becomes angry at this turn of events. "I told you this was a stupid idea! You've ruined my career! I'll never live down this humiliation!" He pushes Michael in disgust and begins to walk offstage mid-song.
But the last vestiges of Michael's testosterone kick in. "Hey pretty-boy, are you pushing me? And this was your idea." Michael slaps Prince on the face. It escalates rapidly from there, and finally into an all-out fist fight, with the pent-up frustrations of two dwindling careers coming to bear at each other. The crowd turns silent and watches in anticipation...
Another key factor is manliness. TAFKATAFKAP routs Michael in this category. TAFKATAFKAP bagged Kim Basinger AND Sheena Easton. It doesn't get any better than that! Who has Michael bagged? Pedophilic jokes aside, no one. Sure he supposedly got someone pregnant, but I think the tabloids have exposed that for the farce it was, just like his phony marriage. The only time we've ever seen Michael out in public with a woman, it's either with his bogus (ex)-wife, one of his sisters, or one of his many "friends" such as Liz or Diana. And you know what they say about guys that are "friends" with all the girls...
Conquest resumes aside, Steve, their song lyrics tell us quite a bit about the manliness of the two combatants as well. TAFKATAFKAP's songs like "Little Red Corvette" and "Darling Nikki" drip with sexuality. "1999" shows the man knows how to party. And to quote from the Purple Rain (tm) soundtrack: "Let's look for the purple banana 'til they throw us in the truck. Let's go crazy!" Even though I have no idea how or why, this guy is apparently a complete stud muffin. Michael, on the other (gloved) hand, sings about how "Billy Jean is NOT my lover" (he's quite emphatic about this point). In "Dirty Diana" he seems very upset that he's about to have sex with a woman. And don't get me started on either of the possible meanings behind "Beat It". TAFKATAFKAP pimp slaps Michelle before (s)he even has time to properly grab himself.
STEVE: Tell me Brian, what color is the sky in your fantasy world? Michael Jackson is going to wipe the floor with TAFKATAFKAP. Frankly, I don't see how TAFKATAFKAP's sexual prowess is going to help him here. So what if he's a modern-day Cassanova? Last time I checked, that doesn't help you in a fight. Yet you ramble on for 2 paragraphs about it. And self-confidence? TAFKATAFKAP has to resort to changing his name to a symbol (and back again) in order to get people to like him and think he's cool. It reminds me of those pesky kids on the internet who try to make themselves sound cool by giving themselves nicknames like "K00ld00d" or "DeathSlayer". And this bit about changing his mind about it. Sound familiar? Now who's trying to be like a white woman?
Let's study the important factors here. First of all, height. Celebrities always appear taller than they really are on TV. It's a natural result of being on camera. Even on TV, TAFKATAFKAP looks like a shrimp! He looks like a 10-year old child compared to those guitars he plays. He must be like 4'10" or so. Even an average-sized Michael Jackson would be able to tower over him.
Let's not forget another thing about Michael Jackson. He's bad, he's bad, you know it. Really really bad. It plainly says so in his song, after all. He hangs out with gangs who get into knife fights to the death. TAFKATAFKAP hangs out with models. Maybe TAFKATAFKAP could defend himself from an onslaught of face-slapping, but not against a pissed-off Michael Jackson.
BRIAN: Well, Steve, I hope you realize that you just alienated yourself from about 35% of our demographic with that little slam on internet nicknames. The vast majority of the remaining 65% have probably jumped to my side as well after some of the ridiculous points you just brought to the table.
First of all, I don't think anyone would argue that TAFKATAFKAP isn't the biggest guy in the world, but I'd like to know where you get off calling Michael Jackson "average-sized". The guy's a stick! TAFKATAFKAP is no Hulk Hogan, but I'd bet he could at least do a push-up. Michael would get winded while trying and failing to do just one of those girl push-ups from his knees. Perhaps you have misjudged Michael's size because you've never seen him next to a guitar. Maybe that's because he's never played one! Or any other instrument for that matter. King of Pop my ass.
Second, Michael Jackson does NOT hang out with gangs that get into knife fights to the death. He hangs out with gangs that line dance. TAFKATAFKAP, OTOH, grew up on the streets of Minneapolis. His urban upbringing and harsh winter exposures (a la Rocky IV) will prove valuable assets in this fight. All Michael ever did as a child was hang around Beverly Hills with Tito and Jermaine.
Finally, the reason I brought up TAFKATAFKAP's escapades is to prove that he is a MAN. Why is this so important? Because a man whips a non-man in any fight, and Michael is certainly NOT a man. Fans of Classic SNL will remember Eddie Murphy's proof of Michael's androgyny: "Just as I suspected!" And not only is he not a man, I'm beginning to question if he's even human anymore. Look at his face! It looks like a china doll. Apparently, the plastic surgeon wasn't enough, so he started going to the porcelain surgeon. One whack from a microphone and Michael's face will shatter into a thousand pieces. Victory to TAFKATAFKAP!
STEVE: Michael may not be Hulk Hogan, but he is certainly fit. Look at all those fancy dance moves he's always doing! You have to be somewhat in shape in order to pull those off. And all the balance and coordination required for those fancy steps is closely tied to boxing, and dare I say it, martial arts skills.
You mentioned plastic (or porcelain) surgery. I submit to you that it's more like plastic (or porcelain) armor. TAFNATAFKAP could beat Michael about the head all day and Michael won't feel a bit of it. There's no real tissue there, and the hardness of it is going to take it's toll on TAFNATAFKAP's knuckes. Hit after hit, TAFNATAFKAP will look in amazement as Michael just laughs at his pathetic attempts to do him harm.
Finally, as you touched upon earlier, there are his ties with the undead. We've all seen in Thriller how they can appear rather suddenly, and all follow his every command or dance step. With an army of lost souls at his beckoning, you better believe TAFNATAFKAP is in for it. And for added motivation, if TAFNATAFKAP gets killed in the fight, then Michael can control him now too. The outlook: Michael Jackson in 5 minutes while Vincent Price calls the fight at the microphone.
Thanks to the many, many people that suggested this match-up
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1) Family. MJ may be a wuss, but his sisters can kick major ass. Not even a professional leg-breaker like myself would be quick to face down LaToya with her boa-constrictor. They'd clean TAKPAT, I mean, TAKTAKA, no, TAPKAPAKAP, uh, TAKPATAKPTH-ACK!'s clock right quick. Bubbles, being a Deranged Ape, will savage KATATAKANKA like, well, an evil monkey tormented by years of wierd sexual games beats a cross-dresser.
Provided they reached the stage in time.
2) Prince is a smoker, and as such, probably keeps a purple-anodized zippo on hand, or one of those disposable lighters in smarmy, chrome, dolphin-shaped holders. Michael, beginning the duel in traditional Kzinti fasion, screams in his little girl voice, and leaps!
Swish! Klink! Flickt! Whooooooooosh!
"The Artist Who Resembles Urkle In Drag With Fake Mustache" whips out his zippo, opens the cover in one of those cool-zippo-trick moves, and catches one of Mikey's long, shimmering locks with its flame mid-leap. The Littlest Jackson's grease-laden hair goes up like the Hindenburg, all that plastic he's been deforming himself with catches fire, and his head becomes an inferno spewing black toxic smoke!
If it worked for Pepsi, it will work for Prince. I mean The Artist Formerly...well, you get the picture.
- The Artist Formerly Known as SoupIsGood Food
Mike will wilt beneath the inexplicable horde of models that rampage from the wings of the stage, driven lust-mad by Prince's skinny, gyrating bod and that skanky nest on his face.
- Telperion & meep
In his bid to look like Jon Benet Ramsey, Michael has inadvertently put himself on the same path of abuse and exploitation. That won't stop now. Michael will be ground into hamburger, unless he's wised up and is packing heat.
- Whit Fisher
As far as toughness is concerned, well, that's a difficult one to call as well. TAFKATAFKAP(tm) took his licks from his Dad in Purple Rain. Notice the diminutive pop-funkster didn't give up. Michael had a cast in the "Black and White" video, and I remember him busting a car window with it. While it may have looked cool, I think TAFKATAFKAP(tm) gets a very slight edge.
So it looks like a nearly-even battle. Certainly based on the criteria above, this fight could go either way (as both Michael and TAFKATAFKAP(tm) almost certainly do), so how do we call it?
Luckily for you unwashed masses you have Sluggo(tm). Remember what kind of guitar TAFKATAFKAP(tm) used to play before that artsy-fartsy model he now uses? It was the classic Fender(tm) Telecaster(tm). Ever lift one of those puppies? They're heavy, trust me. I guarantee that other model guitar is at least of similar weight. So, here's what happens: TAFKATAFKAP(tm) gets some nasty scratches from Michael's sequined glove. Nasty enough that make-up won't cover them for some time. Michael, however, has six ribs cracked from a single swing of TAFKATAFKAP's (tm) guitar. After that, it's no problem to grab Michael and subject him to the Pepsi(tm) incident again. Neither, however, is able to regain the limelight.
- Sluggo at UIC
Do you not see? The alien was, in fact, Michael Jackson. This is hardly surprising; the boy is certainly not of this world, whatever resemblances he might bear to Diana Ross. However, it does make the outcome of this conflict quite simple. Ex-Prince, who will for the remainder of this message, and for all time, be known as Schwa-boy, will be taken back to Michael's Mother Ship, rectally probed, and then beaten like a red-headed stepchild.
Now, what about Lionel Richie?
True, both artists have done some pretty riduculous things. TAFKATAFKAP's changing his name to a pseudo-alchemical symbol is intimidatingly wierd, but Michael Jackson's hoarding the Elephant Man's bones and Elizabeth Taylor's underarm deodorant pads, slee ping in an iron lung, and his -er- unseemly interest in TV's Webster are certainly wierder, and... Michael isn't acting. Deep down we all know or at least suspect that TAFKATAFKAP is just posing as a lunatic to get attention. Michael Jackson, on the other hand, is probably EXACTLY as mentally ill as he appears to be, and that will give him the edge in the fight.
Another factor that makes Michael's victory inevitable is TAFKATAFKAP's affinity to pain. Given the sadomasochistic nature of his videos and his relationship with the twin succubi Wendy and Lisa, one might almost suspect that he'll be fighting to LOSE. Mi chael, on the other hand, has been so extensively modified that he now has about as much humanity as a Tickle-Me-Elmo doll, with a corresponding insensivity to pain.
Finally, a quick runthrough of the body of work of both artists will display a huge disparity in their level of talent. While TAFKATAFKAP has had to expend significant amounts of time actually honing his talent, Michael has been under no such burden. His listless hackwork leaves one with the impression that he must have a lot of spare time. Time that he could have used to acquire fighting skills like Jujitsu, which would enable him to make even shorter work of his identity-challenged rival.
- Delbert P. Sweeney
A fan interviewed later said "It was like watching the Wicked Witch of the West."
- Field Marshall J A "Dusty" Sayers, O.St.D.
As Prince tries to find someone to kick start his motorcycle (there's no freakin way he can do it himself) Michael's sister Janet attacks his skinny ass. He too takes a shot to the sternum and his chest bursts like a chicken in a microwave. The winner i n 3 minutes, 28 seconds--humanity.
While Michael is nearly always clad in a leather full-bodysuit (which will afford some combat protection), His only trademark item which has any offensive potential is his sequined glove. While it may be a bit scratchy (You messed up my rouge!), It will be of little use.
TAFKATAFKAP (though he is adorned in frilly shirts, which will provide little protection), has the most dangerous looking guitar I've ever seen! Looks like some Medieval Peasant Disemboweler (tm). With his potent axe (no pun intended) by his side, he will be assured victory, and probably a few slasher movie starring roles.
- Musashi Stratocaster
I live in Minneapolis, and so have a fairly constant exposure to all things Prince-related. Prince had a cook, one of those classically trained French cooks who can truss a cold roast pheasant with a string of hardened caramel, and he told this cook t o make him a lemon cake. So she made him the most beautiful lemon cake ever seen by the eyes of man, with fresh lemons and sugar and eggs and multiple layers and tastefully piped yellow frosting. But no! Prince wanted lemon cake the way his moth er used to make, mixed up out of a box! When the insulted artiste protested, that was the end of her. One of Prince's former security guards also told me that Prince wanted the public road running next to his estate blocked off beca use it disturbed him. Prince has a complete backup band waiting around for him 24 hours a day just in case he feels like recording something at 4 AM. Prince has an entire warehouse full of people who make his... er... clothes.
What does all this prove? It proves the power of Prince's ego. Nothing is allowed to get in its way, especially not reality. What does Michael Jackson do when something gets in his way? He writes a whiny song complaining about it ("Stop Dogg ing Me Around") or retreats to Neverland with his pet 8-year olds.
Really, it hardly even seems fair. Let's just hope that Michael doesn't accidentally rip some of Prince's white lacy shirt ruffles, or things will get really ugly.
Yes, as you've mentioned before, the Apocalypse is upon us ...
- Call me Shane
So Michael hangs with gangs (dead or alive), pet monkeys, & Macaulay Culkin (the ONLY ally who could do Prince any real damage, a la "Home Alone"). Big deal...Prince leads a whole freakin' REVOLUTION(tm)! Think of the HISTORY B hind that word:
AMERICA, 1776: 225+ years later, still alive & proudly kicking butt.
FRANCE, late 1700's: Who else could come up with a gorier means of executing their enemies than the guillotine!
RUSSIA, early 1900's: Also grew 2 B come 1 of the world's greatest superpowers.
IRAN, 1979: Face it, like 'em or not, they KNOW how 2 play dirty!
& finally, on top of that, Prince is surrounded by a bevy of babes, ALL of whom could soundly kick Michelle's butt & spare Prince the trouble.
But then after that, Morris Day & the Time come along, bust out a couple of verses from "The Bird," and the audience runs Prince out of town (and there was much rejoicing)...
- The Genius Formerly (and Still) Known as Eddie (and Who is NOT Changing It Back!)
- A very hopeful soldier
- Jason Zippay
Let me make it clear, tho', that I am not promoting TAFKATAFKAP's ass-kicking abilities in any way. The only reason he won was the fact that he was squaring off against Mikey, which would guarantee a win for anyone. Honestly, this match is like Mr. Rogers vs. a Dandelion -- sure Mr. Rogers would win, but that's only because he's squaring off against a dandelion (and has a spear, although I forgot to mention that).
- Concerned citizen
- Chris "Pastry" Csont
- The Everlasting Know-it-all
- Bren from NU
"So ya said it was triple homicide, Lou?"
"Kinda, Margie. There's two dead guys and one dead monkey."
Marge looked the scene over. The two dead men on the side of the road were evident, but no monkey was to be seen.
"So, where's the monkey?"
"Over there a ways."
"You got an ID on these dead guys?"
"One of em, yah. The skinny guy is 'Michael Jackson' but the short fella doesn't have a name on his driver's license. Just a funny little symbol doodad. Uh, and the monkey has a name tag with 'Bubbles' on it."
"That's fine Lou."
A pause. Lou waits while Marge looks at some tire tracks and asks a question of the coroner.
"Uh, Margie, you think you got an idea a what happened?"
"Yah, you betcha. There's a lot of footprints over there like these two guys got in a ruckus. Then somebody whacked the monkey, probably the short guy. After that, the short guy walked over here, but the skinny guy chased him and messed him up real bad. Before the short guy passes out, he pulls out a gun and kills the skinny guy in this execution-type deal. Then the short guy passes out and dies of exposure."
Another pause, until Marge speaks up again.
"Hey, Lou, did you find any valuables or anything on the bodies?
Something to explain why they did this?"
"Uh, all I found was this here CD."
Lou handed the disk to Margie. It was labeled with the single word "Ben." Marge looked it over for a second, then finally said...
"I think I'm gonna barf!"
(With apologies to Joel & Ethan Coen)
- Dale "Geoduck" Abersold
- Man with more testosterone than both of them combined
- Geoffrey Brent
Events take a sudden turn as the ghost of Elvis appears in a flash of lightning. He has come seeking revenge against Jackson for defiling (allegedly) his precious daughter. Using his patented ELVIS BLOAT-O-MATIC(tm), he starts to make Jackson expand to the point that his plastic surgery splits and tears, causing him to collapse to the stage in a pile of steaming entrails and innards. Avenged at last, the King returns to eternal rest with a "thank yuh vermuch."
In commemoration of the event, Prince once again changes his name, this time to "Murray" and finally shaves off that ridiculous 5-o'clock shadow.
- Bill Lindich
Technically, I have a Ph.D. in crappy name changing.
From Joe to Spiderman to FrogBoy to Joe-bob-er-a-roo-nie to the Aspirin God to Hellraiser to Some Dork to the Spiritual Warrior and possibly the Universal Philosopher of Absolute Reality, depending if the current holder gives up the title, I have had many names, and let me tell you, I couldn't kick anyone's ass. Really, I'd have a hard time taking Michael's Monkey, much less him or his clone. That is why I think Michael will scratch and claw and shriek and bite HWUTBKAAGANSPMJC into a bloody pulp.
- Some Dork (for now)
Just looking at the work that these two "men" have done will easily demonstrate Michael to be the victor. First off, you've never heard the words "Maybe I'm just like my mother" coming out of ol' Jacko's mouth. And remember "My Name is Prince"? TAFKATAFKAP released that song and shortly after changed his name. This really demonstrates a lack of a commitment on the part of TAFKATAFKAP. He'll start out wanting to fight and then immediately decide that he's The Artist that Formerly Wanted to Fight(tm). Shortly after, Michael will transform him into The Only Person (Artist Or Otherwise) To Get His Ass Kicked By Michael Jackson (TOP(AOO)TGHAKBMJ for short) Michael isn't like TOP(AOO)TGHAKBMJ(tm). He's bad (really, really bad). Shortly after releasing Bad, he didn't change his mind on the whole badness thing, in fact he continued the downward slide into badness. This is a man that smashes up a car while singing an anti-racism song, who knows how far his rage(tm) will take him if he's attacked by a little stick boy that's "just like his mother"? Michael kicks ass and adds TOP(AOO)TGHAKBMJ to his ever-growing army of the undead.
- P. Boora
- The Commissioner of Debauchery
EVERY time I see Micheal Jackson all of the paedophile jokes, monkey antics, plastic surgery, Jarvis Cocker incidents and worst of all the UNDEAD scene.... spring to mind.. Prince will be on the deck wetting his pants with laughter just trying to look at him. All Micheal has to do is take advantage.....
The moral of the story? Beware of the monkey!
But the real test, of course, is the deeper voice. Even with the dreaded Ween-style distortion and Olive Oyle diction, TAFKATAFKAP has a manly basso profundo compared to the shrieking Valkyrie that is Michael.
But here's an Equal Time statement formerly required by governmental decree: all issues of violence aside, Michael Jackson is not the victor. But she is certainly lovely.
- The Dark Twit
Here's all the analysis you need...
Michael Jackson is The King of Pop.
TAFKATAFKAP was once a lowly Prince, but is now a mere Artist, not even ennobled anymore.
MJ wins by Divine Right of Kings.
But it is all part of Prince’s devious trap. Using his seductive talents, the dark Prince of Groove has enlisted Michael’s own sister Janet against him. Hypnotized by the song Prince "wrote just for her" Janet now performs for Prince’s pleasure as part of the new group "Janet 6", fronted by Janet and backed by the Spice Girls. The sight of his own sister performing the moves he taught her with a sexually suggestive twist, plus the presence of the Spice Girls triggers a flashback to the "Pepsi incident", paralyzing Michael. Prince’s groupies are on him at once, and for a second he disappears from sight, only to disappear completely…
As the groupies disperse from the spot where Michael last stood, each of his friends shed a tear for their ‘pal’ Michael despite Prince’s powerful spell. (at this point the music dies down, leaving just the rhythm track as Prince’s followers move to the edges of his central chamber and take a brief rest from their orgiastic routines).
It is at this time that a lone, cloaked figure approaches the center of the room, stirring Prince’s minions from their sleep. With a flick of his hand the cloak drops to reveal - Michael Flatley, Lord of The Dance. Prince leaps forward to threaten the folk dance phenom with his suggestively shaped guitar, but Flatley dismisses him with a flick of the hand before starting his trademark Irish step dance. Members of Prince’s retinue cannot help but be caught up in "Riverdance fever", the pulse of their pounding feet increasing, until in a blinding flash of light, Flatley morphs into - Michael Jackson in a gleaming silver space-suit. "It was Michael all along," gushes his friends as Michael starts the big dance number. Janet, free of Prince’s spell, joins Michael to trade a few dance moves just as the Purple one, seeking to flee the scene, is crushed by a flying house piloted by none other than Diana Ross reprising her role in "the Wiz". Prince’s 12" ruby platform shoes, peeking out from under the wreckage, prove to be the magical key in restoring Michael’s friends to their prepubescent state, and all live happily ever after…
…until 1999, of course. But that is a tale for another day…
- Dave C.
- Doug T.
That being said, I'll get to the point. This will come down to one matter: weaponry. Prince can whip out that gun-mike thing (tm) he had in the video for 7, as well as the scimitar balanced on his hot wife's head (she's been doing that since she was 9). What's MJ going to do, have Bubbles throw his feces? Actually, MJ will invoke his powers as the Moonwalker (tm) (remember that movie?) and turn into that robot with all those shields and lasers. However, Prince still has one more thing up his sleeve.
On the box to one of his movies (I think it's Graffiti Bridge), Prince is shown in the holding-a-guitar-and-streaking-into-the-sky pose (tm). Who originated that, may I ask you? The answer? Simple- it was Jimi. Yes, Prince possesses the Power of Jimi (tm). As we all know and was brought up during the commentary, a man will defeat a non-man any day of the week, but I have another point to make. A black man will defeat a white man with even better certainty (Dirty Harry vs. Shaft be damned!! That was a recognizability contest.).
Prince may not be very black anymore, but a) you can still tell he's black and b) he has the aforementioned Power of Jimi (tm). Therefore, when MJ tries to turn into a spaceship and warp off into the sky, the Jimi-fied Prince will do the sky-streaking-into-thing (tm) and shatter MJ's hull, sending him crashing into the most horrible place on Earth- a Hanson concert.
- Nick Zachariasen
Both men, Prince and Jackson, slowly raise their kneeling frames and walk over to the Potentate of Soul. Each grabs a hand of the Enthroned One and has a choice of at least five different rings to kiss.
Stage lights slowly dim over the Godfather, thrusting the two younger upstarts into the limelight. They circle each other hungrily until suddenly in another Deus Ex Machina moment, a gigantic Robotic "Bubbles the Chimp" tm. bursts onto the scene. Bubbles and Michael last a matter of seconds before Batman (Keaton incarnation) WITH Kim Bassinger (still swooning from the last time she hooked up with Prince) show up and start kickin' some major ass. The caped wonder cleans up and then disappears with his entourage just as the other Caped One, The Godfather of Soul reemerges with his entourage to bestow the princely diadem upon the head of the heir apparent.
"Learn the meanin' of thy true and original name, son." "Also know that I am your father." "Avoid the false and evil ways of the hieroglyph and rule with me as Father and Son."
At that point, James, ascends to a higher plane as the hydraulics of his special effect throne kick in, leaving Prince along on the stage standing atop the now collectible bones of the former Michael Jackson.
- Disco Daron
Why do I say this? Well, Boy George once publicly said that Prince looked like "A dwarf dipped in pubic hair". So what did Prince do? Did he retaliate? Did he seek retribution? No. He changed his name.
That is the same thing someone in the witness protection agency does when he is afraid the mob is going to kill him. Anyone afraid of Boy George is not going to win any fight!
- Anonymous (I hope I spelled that right)
I'm Tabitha Soren, this is the final edition of MTV's Week In Rock. All the world last week was watching the Kool Aid benefit concert on MTV when a fight broke out between Michael Jackson and Prince. The chaos that followed has shaken the music industry and left many musicians in the hospital. When the fighting broke out, Dan Cortese was there:
"Dan, this is Kurt Loder. In our ever vigilant attempt to exploit the music for ratings and political correctness, who do you think has the upper hand."
"They're pretty evenly matched in my opinion. Michael definitely has the combat advantage. With all those years grabbing at his own testicles, he is an expert on how to grab penis, a devastating weapon, and his own Jackson jewels are well hardened against counterattacks. On the other hand, Prince definitely is more motivated. With the end of the millenium coming up, his song 1999 is going to be in great demand at New Years celebrations, weddings, Bar Mitzvahs and senior proms. He wants the cash. [p ause] I've lost sight of them, Kurt."
With the headline acts unable to perform and the possibility of dead air for the last five minutes, the promoters asked George Michaels to take their place. Michaels, who had performed at the start of the show, apparently had started the after concert partying a little early. For reasons unknown, he turned his back to the audience, pulled down his pants and asked them to quote "Look at my butt!" With a live report was our very own Jenny McCarthy:
"Eww! George Michaels has just pulled down his pants and is demanding that everyone "worship" his butt. This is SO GROSS! Wait a minute, it seems that some people have come from the backstage party - it's - it's - Sir Mixx A Lot and Elton John. I think Elton is admiring the ass while Sir Mixx just keeps repeating "BABY GOT BACK!" Wait a second, it appears Elton John is upset. He wants the butt to himself. HE SLAPPED SIR MIXX! [pfffffft!] Man, WHAT DIED IN HERE?!"
This was only the beginning of the violence that marred the end of the concert. Over one dozen fights were reported between music superstars, most noticeably an all out catfight between Madonna and Hole lead singer Courtney Love during a intervi ew with our very own Kennedy. Both singers ended up in the emergency room with third degree scratches. Kennedy was unharmed except that her top was torn off and her breasts were in full view of the camera for thirty seconds. None of the censors noticed th e difference.
Finally, Michael Jackson reappeared on stage. The late Kurt Loder was there for the interview:
"Michael, where's Prince?"
"Let's just say Bubbles got hungry, HEE HEE!"
"Will there be any more bitch slapping tonight?"
"Kurt, why are you such a meanie?!"
"Because I work for a network that gave shows to Beavis and Butthead, Jenny McCarthy and Cindy Crawford and I all I get to do is the $%&^*# news. You would be an asshole too. Now get out of my face, you pervert! [faces camera] I've heard they have sent a third final act in a hope of saving some face... OH MY GOD! They sent out Yoko Ono! AND SHE'S NOT EVEN SINGING A JOHN LENNON SONG! I THINK I'M GOING TO VOMIT!"
Yoko had finished about half a verse of Ice Ice Baby when Kurt blew her head off with a shotgun and then turned the gun on himself. After checking the polls, President Clinton praised the action as a service to all Americans. Kurt and Yoko will have a closed casket funeral next week at Benny's CD Palace and, afterwards, the bodies will be thrown in the nearest dumpster for proper burial at an unspecificed landfill.So long from the Week In Rock (Can I get the *^&% out of here now?)
- Paul Golba
- I should study for finals.
Also note, my father lives in Minneapolis, and I've been there. I hate to say it, but that population seems to consist mostly of harmless Norwegians who would rather skinny dip in a frozen pond than kill you for your shoes.
- The Net Prophet
Why is that you might ask, well the answer is simple. To paraphrase the greatest sports promotional man of our time, the great Rev. Fred Sultan, the public is sick of seeing one brother beat up on another brother. Its never going to sell, we've been there, done that, and we know probably the best we can hope for is an ear getting bitten off which is kinda cool and all but still sucks when we were expecting at least twelve rounds.
As such a third challenger must enter this matchup, a competitor worthy of taking on two such titans, and most important of all a challenger of Caucasian ancestory. Who else can enter the fray, but the one and only Elton John. Elton will probably take out TAFKATAFKAP immediately, just leaving him to face the nearly invincible Jackson. It will be a good fight, but just as the other great plastic surgeon created supervillain of our times, the Joker, went down in the fifteenth round, so will Jackson fall. (I'm pretty sure Elton owns a cape and tights, so I feel pretty safe in assuming he can assume the role of Batman) Score one for the white boy. Now lets bring on Holyfield.
- Brendan W. Guy
Second, Michael Jackson obviously has some kind of black magic going, which will help him defeat the evil TAFKACRAPGUY. Of course, first, there's Thriller the video... I mean this guy's got it all. He can change into a werewolf to scare his woman (tm) into going home for a little sumpin-sumpin. Then of course, he can turn into a zombie seeminly at will. Add this to the fact that all the makeup and surgery over the years, and he's already half preserved.
Next, didn't anyone ever see Captain EO at Disney World? Michael had this cool science fiction stuff going on, and all, man was it cool.
How about Moonwalker, huh? Did anyone ever see that movie? Not only can Michael dance, he can turn into a claymation rabbit (tm) at seemingly will, to elude even the sharpest of fans and traffic cops. What about some of his other videos? Black or White? He's got a whole army of face changing ghouls under the command of his black magic. And, he's got the influence of the Utimate McCauley Culkin (tm). If Michael sees his white ass in trouble, he can always call in Mr. Home Alone, aka The Good Son, to take care of the little whup-ass action for him. I mean, We're talking this kid took out Joe Pesci, Mr. Shoe Shine Box himself, not once, but twice! Man, I'd hate to be that kid's enemy. Did anyone see The Good Son? Nuff said.
Back onto Michael Jackson. What about that other video, the one with Magic Johnson, and David Bowie's wife, Iman. Michael obviously has the ability to disappear into thin air, and summon beautiful woman dancers, seemingly at will. Wow. Now wouldn't you say he's got black magic? As for The Artist's videos, all he can do is wiggle his assless pants seemingly at will. Michael in a crushing defeat.
- JediPants, http://www.rpi.edu/~sheldj/
Dead link -- redirected to university homepage
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