The Ritalin Reading Room™

This match is decided by simply one factor-Anne Robinson. That's right, this blacked-robed spawn of Satan will decide who is the Weakest Link(tm) Has anyone besides me ever SEEN this show? Anne delivers biting, sarcastic remarks to wither the contestants. Whoever she makes to look the stupidest will be Voted Off(tm) faster than you can say "she-bitch from hell" In THIS match, Anne is surrounded by people who are actually smart. This will undoubtedly bring out the RAGE(tm) Anne has been suppressing. So let's look at the contestants. Diane Chambers. An attractive barmaid. Anne will see this little tart as serious competition for the men (not you, Malcolm) and will promptly use her immense insulting powers to mentally and physically degrade Diane, to the point where the barmaid is a quivering mass of well-educated jelly. In this match, Diane is... The Weakest Link(tm).

However, let's continue with the game, shall we? Malcolm and Dennis are next, because both have roughly the same level of annoying insultingness as Anne. She won't want to have to deal with people who might prove to be a match for her later on. These two will be eliminated with T-1000 efficiency. Next we come to Jason and Dexter. They are cartoon characters (This does not count against Lisa, because she is a Simpson(tm)). Anne has no time or tolerance for contestants who are not real. She'll verbally erase these two noncontenders from the match. We're down to three: Lisa, Ben, and Rupert. Lisa is out next, because the only reason Anne agreed to this match was so she could find a suitable mate to fertilize her egg sacs. Lisa does not fit the profile because she is a little girl. Anne is looking for a MAN, someone with real cojones, someone who can give as good as he gets. This leaves Rupert out as well (Come on, the guy is an obvious flamer. Years of working with Sarah Michelle Gellar and he's NEVER made a move on her? I think someone needs to "come out of the closet"(tm))

Anyways, this leaves Ben Stein, the only real man there. While he's not much for conversation, Anne isn't planning on talking. Shortly after being announced the Strongest Link(tm), Ben is dragged backstage where Anne makes hot monkey love to him. (I apologize for the mental picture.)

P.S. Soon we'll be seeing little game show hosts running around with no personality AND annoying British accents! *shudder*

- sPEciaL eD

Anyone who's ever watched an episode of The Weakest Link should understand that it has nothing at all to do with how smart you are. It has to do with how annoying you are. I've seen two episodes, I consider myself an expert.

First off, the contestants never pay much attention to how many questions their opponents really get right. They pay attention to how irritating they are, how cocky they are, and how much time they blow. Second, it doesn't really matter who wins. It's more about the mean things that the contestants say when they go off-stage and get grilled by the "What did you think about losing" crew. So, along those lines....

Round one - Diane Chambers - Definitely voted off first as the person who wasted the most time. That, and no one can stand her big 80s hair. Off-stage, complains that no one else understands her cultural knowledge, and drones on for a minute before getting cut off.

Round two - Malcolm - Actually, at the end of this round, it's a split decision between Malcolm and Dexter, so the strongest link, Giles, gets to decide, and he just can't stand someone as whiny as Malcolm considering what he goes through every day with high-school girls. In front of the camera off-stage, Malcolm also drones on whiningly until cut off.

Round three - Dexter - 3 pop culture questions in a row throw a wrench in Dexter's game, and he gets quickly voted off. Off-stage, gripes that the show was rigged, and that he'll finish his greatest invention to win the next one.

Round four - Lisa Simpson - Lisa's actually the strongest in the round, but the guys are scared of her. On a signal from Ben and Jason, they vote her off unanimously. Off-stage, complains that she was treated unfairly and will write a long letter to the station management.

Round five - Rupert Giles - A librarian, Giles has the advantage, which is why Ben and Dennis get together to kick him off. Off-stage, he claims that Dennis is really a vampire, and he'll be taken care of later.

Round six - Jason Fox - Being way too quiet and smart, Ben and Dennis also get together to vote him off, fearing him as a threat, and both Ben and Dennis thinking that they can easily beat the other one. Off- stage, Jason makes some very quiet remarks about not being upset, with a few good one-liner zings aimed at Dennis.

Round seven - In the one-on-one match, both Ben and Dennis bank a ton of money, playing off each other to rack up big bucks. In the final match, Dennis gets thrown by a history question, making Ben Stein the winner. Dennis' next show features a 15-minute rant about how game shows are rigged, and Ben Stein is really an ***hole.

In the end, though, no one wins the money, because Ben vehemently claims that the money should come directly out of Anne Robinson's paycheck for the show, and he gets kicked out of the studio. All in all, a rousing episode, but about as fair as a game of McDonald's Monopoly.

- ~Dingo

So let me get this straight: This time around, we're supposed to vote for the big loser (or lowest common denominator, as it were). Strange. Rather like golf, isn't it?

Anyway, here's my opinion on each of the contestants:

Lisa Simpson: Consider Springfield's stellar record of WINNING Grudge Matches. Then consider the number of times that Lisa has proven herself to be the only resident of said town with an I.Q. higher than that of your average eggplant. Clearly, she is not worthy.

Rupert: Never seen much "Buffy", but consider the following: A.) Rupert, like Ms. Anne, is an overly stuffy, intellectual Brit, and B.)"Weakest Link" is, more or less, a quiz show version of "Survivor". Anyone remember the "coup" between Richard Hatch and Rudy? If Rupert actually winds up as the strongest link, I smell a rat...

Diane: In almost every "Weakest Link" episode I've seen, the ditzy blonde makes it pretty darn far, if not winning it all.

Jason: "Fox Trot" deserves better than this.

Dexter: Waitaminnit...Red hair, glasses, long coat...Isn't it obvious that Dexter is actually Anne's long-forgotten love child? I doubt she'd let sonny-boy lose.

Dennis Miller: His off-the-wall references on "Monday Night Football" reveal a mind chock full o' useless information. And need I remind you guys what your slogan says that useless information can breed?

Ben Stein: TV's SECOND most annoying game show host. I think Anne will rig the voting just so she can see Ben blow it all in the final round.

Which leaves us with the winner, loser:

MALCOLM: Consider his theme song: "You're Not the Boss of Me." Doesn't that sound like the attitude of your typical, Dennis The Menace-like rapscallion that's always getting his ears boxed in by the local schoolmarm? This little snot is PRIME material for Ms. Richards's rapier wit.

Class, as they say, is in session...

- RoboGoober98

(I just realized that the contest is for the 'Weakest Link' not the winner. Too Bad. I already wasted over an hour of work time writing it. So there.)

Had this been Jeopardy, Win Ben Stein's Money, or any other quiz style show, this contest would go to the Person with the deepest and broadest knowledge base (Lisa Simpson). However, this is the Weakest Link (TWL). TWL requires not only knowledge, but enough strategy and cunning to appear unassuming without being a liability. Contestants who don't answer enough questions early will be voted off in favor of players who will bring more money, whereas those who are too smart won't make it through the middle-late game.

The voting, IMHO, will go like this:

Round 1:
-LISA gets ONE vote from Jason, since she is a girl and reminds him of his sister, Paige.
-BEN gets ONE vote from Malcolm, who feels threatened by Ben's air of authority (a la Ferris Bueller).
-DENNIS gets ONE voter from Ben, since Dennis is a hippy-liberal and the only one funnier than Ben
-MALCOM gets TWO Votes, ONE from Dennis and ONE from Diane. They both feel Malcolm is too young to be an asset.
-DIANE (the rounds weakest link) gets the remaining THREE votes from Lisa, Giles, and Dexter.
Loser: Diane

Round 2:
-GILES gets ONE vote from Malcom, who has changed his vote in response to the withering stare he recieved from Ben last round
-BEN gets ONE retaliatory vote from Dennis
-DENNIS gets TWO votes, one from Ben again, and the other from Giles, who takes exception to Dennis' assertion that Anne couldn't be British because all Brits have bad teeth
-MALCOLM (The Weakest Link) gets TWO votes, one from Lisa (who freaks out because she thinks he's cute, so votes against him) and one from Dexter
(The missing vote was from Jason, who mistakenly wrote Paige instead of Lisa.)

Since there is a Tie, this rounds Strongest Link (Dexter) gets to break the tie. Trusting his calculations, he votes off Malcolm.
Loser: Malcolm

Round 3:
- DENNIS, round 3's weakest, gets THREE votes from Lisa, Dexter and Giles, again voting off the weakest link
- LISA is the victim of the first strategic votes, as Dennis and Ben exchange knowing looks and vote for Lisa, whom they consider the strongest overall player. Jason started writing Paige, but crossed it out and wrote Lisa, bringing her total to THREE.

Jason, this rounds strongest, breaks the ties saying "Pai...I mean, Lisa"
Loser: Lisa

Round 4:
-DEXTER gets ONE suprise vote from Jason, as Jason fears Dex's superior scientific prowess.
-JASON gets TWO votes from Ben and Dennis, who again feel he has broader knowledge than Dexter
-DENNIS (again the weakest, but funniest link) also receives TWO votes, one from Dexter and one from Giles, who is still miffed about Dennis' ubiquitous 'Limey' comments

Dexter, as the strongest once again, is in a bind. Should he vote off Jason, the one that voted for him, or Dennis, the weakest link? Whispering a prayer to Einstein's Ghost, Dexter trusts in his calculations, which say that voting Dennis off maximizes his own chances at big money.
Loser: Dennis

Round 5:
-JASON again gets TWO votes, a repeat vote from Ben, and one from Dexter, who was ecstatic to see that his calculations indicated he should vote for the youngest Fox child.
-DEXTER also receives TWO votes, one from Jason and one from Giles

Dexter's calculations fail him this round, as Jason, the suprise strongest link, votes off his number one competition
Loser: Dexter

Round 6:
-JASON gets ONE vote from Ben, as Ben is wary of Jason's superior scientific Knowledge.
-BEN is shocked, dismayed and humbled when he gets TWO votes, not only from Jason, but also from Giles.
Loser: Ben

Round 7:
No voting this round, but Jason and Giles clean up, not missing a single question between them. They eye each other going to the final round.

Round 8:
The final round begins with a nod and smile exchanged between the fellow Brits. Jason and Giles are asked a rapid series of questions about obscure British History and the Occult, which Giles answers easily, but Jason cannot answer.

Loser: Jason

Giles, the watcher, victorious, approaches the podium as if to embrace his fellow Brit and co-conspirator. At the last moment, however, Anne Robinson screams and crumbles into ash. "No one could be that evil and still have a soul" quips Buffy Summers, stake in hand, as she emerges from behind where the slain host had once stood. Giles wipes his brow and contemplates yet another nearly fatal experience as he and the slayer go off to collect his winnings.

- Alcon

Deep in the bowels of a game show studio, light from a television plays across an aging face made haggard with evil intent. The screams of Sean Connery and Keanu Reeves echo through the adjacent hallways, while Anne Heche mumbles thanks under her breath, not conscious of what she is saying. The man is watching a rival game show, and he is outraged that he has not been invited. Beyond that, this celebrity session took away from his celebrity-themed show. Fortunately, the producers of Weakest Link had not foreseen what a volatile mix of characters they had made, let alone the volatile mixture under their stage. The shadowed form shakes softly with dark mirth as his attention is focused once more on the lighted screen.

Anne: "The first question goes to Dennis. What is the equation in physics that is commonly associated with Newton's Second Law of Motion?"

Dennis: "Anne, this question is more obvious than a flea on Al Sharpton's undershirts. I mean, come on. How could I possibly get such a machiavellian question incorrect. I mean, Sheboopy, flim- flam, wiggledy, and all that. Did you know I'm a sports announcer? I mean wowsers. Anyway, the answer to this question, which is as obvious as Bush's win over Gore in these absurd past elections, I mean, did you hear people complaining? Wow. Anyway, again, the answer is..."

Anne: "I'm sorry, you overblown windbag, but time is up."

The other players erupt in rage that Dennis Miller's ramblings have taken up all the time.

Anne: "You have managed to accrue the astounding sum of nothing. Now it is time to decide who is...the WEAKEST LINK?"

Prompted by Anne's insults, and Dennis Miller's incomprehensible responses, all the characters vault their podiums. The camera men run screaming, and all that can be seen is the floor, as screams wrack the building. Suddenly, blood starts to stream across the floor into view of the cameras, and Dennis Miller's head rolls into view. Suddenly, a wracking explosion is heard, and then flames shoot up through the floor, engulfing the bodies. Then, only hissing static as the screen goes to snow.

Back in the basement of the Jeopardy studios, Alex Trebek smiles. His only thoughts are, "One down. Next, it's your turn Regis..."

- Rob the Turkey (I voted for Miller being the first to go, because he's so annoying)

I will give you they order in which I am voting people off and why. I
know you're gonna get a million of these types of responses, and
I could spend time thinking of something of new and original
but, well, let's just say I voted for sloth.

Diane- blonde=dumb trust me, you may think different but no matter
how smart a blonde looks, they make REALLY dumb mistakes all the
time. I'd know, I have a blonde sister.

Rupert- I have no clue who the hell this guy is. Maybe if I knew who
Rupert Giles was I wouldn't vote him off, but, I don't.

Ben Stein- This guy has lost on his show on a couple of occasions.
Also, he gives away his own money. If that's not
dumb, nothing is.

Dennis Miller- If the questions were something like "Larry King looks
like a constipated _________" He might have a chance, but
in all my 30 seconds of watching The Weakest Link(TM) I've never
seen a question like that.

Malcolm- After Dewey swallows a marble, Reese jumps off the the
school roof to impress a girl, and Francis is caned at his military
school, Malcolm is forced to leave to visit them at the
hospital, where Malcolm is subjected to chemicals being tested
resulting in Malcolm becoming an Oreo(TM) . This results in a spinoff
aired by Fox entitled "Malcolm is the Middle"

Dexter- Just after the 6th round begins, the Simpson's Gene(TM) kicks
in, dumbining Lisa. At the end of the round, Neither Jason nor
Dexter vote her out knowing she'd be an easy target in the last
round. Lisa voted for Dexter because, and I quote "he was
creepy" Everyone else is also heard to say that they had not voted
for him because he was too short to notice he was there.

Lisa- The Simpson's Gene(TM) is still in effect in the last round,
causing Lisa to answer every question with the answer "the Emu
farms of Pennsylvania".

Jason is the winner. Mostly in part of Bill Amend's coolness when he
found out about the match. Now if Dilbert would learn.

- Spooner

Dennis Miller is a dead man, and here's why: Lisa, Jason and Dexter have an upper hand because they are cartoon characters, and as we all know, the first rule of being a cartoon character is: You do not betray fellow cartoon characters. (If you do, then Garfield and Marmaduke sit on your head to punish you.) Thus, the cartoon character alliance(tm)will destroy all opponents possible. Malcolm has a couple of allies on the team, namely Lisa and Jason. Don't forget, Malcolm once guest-starred on "The Simpsons" and Lisa fell in love with him! Lisa's smart, but her emotions will be her downfall, for she will not vote Malcolm for fear of destroying any chance of a future with her one true love. Jason, on the other hand, looks up to Malcolm like an older brother. And why not? Both are insecure, nerdy, pre-teens with vast knowledge of math and physics, but absolutely no knowledge of the opposite sex. (Or have we all forgot about Jason's problem with a certain girl named Eileen Jacobson?) So Malcolm is definitely safe from the all-powerful alliance(tm.)

Then there's Ben Stein. Ben has a shot, for he certainly has THE RAGE(tm). Think about it: First, he worked for Nixon. After you put hours of work into a man's success, and then he totally blows it, wouldn't you be upset? Then, he went through a dry spell of crappy jobs. ("Clear Eyes. Wow.") Plus, for the past six years, people have been trying to steal his money! He was even held up at gunpoint for it once. As if that's not bad enough, he had to sit through Jimmy Kimmel's jokes all the way through it! As Yoda(tm) would say : "The Rage is strong with this one." Diane has the babe factor(tm) and ALL men there, not just the pre-teens will succumb to her. (When was the last time you think Ben Stein or Giles got some?) Then there's Giles, who, using his British ways, will confuse the others until they no longer have the ability to vote for him. Then there's Dennis. Dennis is a dumbass. He will taunt and tease the other contestants (some of which are already filled with THE RAGE)so much that, not only do they vote him off, they will hone their skills together to brutally murder him. Yes, Dennis is definitely a marked man.

- Quigley the Clumsy Quarter-Jew

Diane being voted off first was a no-brainer. Every time she tried to prove her intellect in Cheers, she would crash and burn, so between that and her inability to answer any question with a short answer, getting voted off first was her destiny.

Next has got to be Dexter, though. His previous gameshow performance proves that he's a terror when it comes to science questions, but he knows nothing else that a gameshow host will ask about. He was beaten on a gameshow by DeeDee, for crying out loud! Dexter, you are the second-weakest link. Goodbye.

As much as it saddens me to say this, Rupert will be voted off next. It always takes him more time to find the answer on Buffy than he'll get from Anne. If Anne was French, his former soccer hooliganness might help him, but his complete ignorance of modern pop culture will send him off the stage and back to the library.

Malcolm will be the next one down, which will lead to a break in shooting as the entire network security force has to use stun guns and animal tranquilizers to prevent Malcolm's mom from beating Anne to a bloody pulp.

Jason is doomed to be voted off at this point, as his near-total ignorance of any form of pop culture that doesn't involve Klingons, mutants or Jedis will prove his undoing. Paige's constantly taunting him with "You are the weakest link... Goodbye!" whenever he leaves the room will drive him over the edge, leading to a junior-high school massacre that will end with him fleeing the police in OJ Simpson's white Bronco, but I digress.

Speaking of Simpsons, Lisa's moral outrage at Anne's ridicule of the contestants will come to a head, leading her to ignore whatever question she is asked. Like most of Lisa's impassioned speeches it will be extremely well thought-out and eloquent, but will backfire horribly. She'll be off the stage faster than Carrot Top on Amateur Night at the Apollo.

So now it comes down to the endgame. Both Miller and Stein are smart, but Miller has the edge when it comes to sheer sarcasm. Between that and the staggering number of obscure references Miller injects into his answers, Stein will be too busy trying to figure out what the hell Miller is talking about in the final round to stand a chance. Dennis Miller will be the one walking off with a cool million bucks, part of which he'll use to buy enough snacks that he no longer has to worry about going hungry during the longer Monday Night Football matchups.

But that's just my opinion; I could be wrong.

- Bowie Hawkins

Weakest Link, eh? Well, first let's clear up one little fact: The Weakest Link players ALWAYS vote off the Strongest Link in the last few rounds. However, since these people are all Strong Links, they'll want the competition. Why? Smart People are dumb.

So, how goes the rounds? Like this:

ROUND ONE: Vote off Diane Chambers. Why? Well...look who surrounds her. In this case, she's the dumb one. Dumb people don't win the Weakest Link, mediocre people do. Goodbye.

ROUND TWO: Vote off Rupert Giles. While a vast array of vampire and occult knowledge is excellent, it does not increase your odds of knowing who ended the Hippie Era. (Stones concert w/ Hell's Angels security, btw) Useless knowledge is a mandatory qualification to succeed on the Weakest Link. Goodbye.

ROUND THREE: Vote off Anne Robinson. She annoys the contestants, they all vote Anne. Goodbye, and Rupert is now the host.

ROUND FOUR: Vote off Malcolm Wilkerson. He's a "cute" kid, smart, and has a hilarious TV show. But this is the cream of the crop now, see. No chance for you. Just not smart enough. Goodbye.

ROUND FIVE: Vote off Lisa Simpson. Hey, yeah, I'm a Simpson Fan. But...Lisa just isn't on par with Jason, Dennis, Dexter, and Ben. Heck, they'd all be the Strongest Link...on another edition of the show. Goodbye.

ROUND SIX: Vote off Dennis Miller. Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but seeing as we have less time to answer questions than the Confederates had in Richmond, I just don't think Dennis can control the cataract of facts flowing from his mouth in time for his fellow contestants to answer too. Goodbye.

ROUND SEVEN: Vote off Dexter. Yes, he's smart. But he's smart in an inventive, evil way. Not a "Who discovered the number of moles in one gram?" or "Who won last year's Super Bowl?" smart. Ben and Jason always struck me as those kind of guys. Goodbye.

ROUND EIGHT: Ben vs. Jason. Jason, sorry bro, but you CANNOT BEAT BEN STEIN AT TRIVIA! NO! NO! NO! Did you know that when Ben loses in the booths, he calls up the producer and says that he can't handle it anymore? He's that dedicated! He doesn't HAVE the Eye of the Tiger(c), HE IS THE TIGER! One million, five hundred thousand dollars (didn't you ever wonder what would happen if they exceeded the number of correctly answered questions are answered?) are handed to Mr. Stein. He then bows to his fellow competitors, walks off, and beats Jimmy Kimmel senseless. What a happy ending.

- Devin the Mental Hospital Escapee

Curses, I just realized I wouldn't be able to rely on a bizarre reference of Whose Line is it Anyway to get my 'insights' posted! I must resort to my Hammer of Absurd Logic to do the job this time... Basically, Weakest Link is a popularity contest, albeit one where the host (ess?) loses every time. Because the contestants don't really know each other beforehand, they must use only what they can observe during the game show: how much each individual contestant insults/pisses off/annoys The Vile One(tm). While many of the contestants are known irritants, few have the capacity to really piss of the Streisand-like Hostile Host-ite(tm) as does Jason Fox. Most of the contestants are generally good-natured; Jason does things for the sole purpose of annoying his sister. Due to the fact that his sister is also an evil demon sent from hell, SuperBitch(tm) can't be that much different. Teamed up with his iguana, he will easily torment Satan's Evil Ball-and-Chain(tm). Which means, he will have to go up against one of the other contestants in a battle of wits; of which, none could present a challenge, and here's why:

LISA SIMPSON: Someone who actually thought (if only temporarily) that 'dumbening' was a word can't pose a challenge; even if she did, Homer would mess it up (akin to the 'Goofy Sidekick Syndrome' (tm)) The gregarious goofy girl is gone; good (crap, I've written myself into a corner) grittance. (SHUT UP! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT! LALALALA, I CAN'T HEAR YOU)

BEN STIEN: He works with Jimmy Kimmel. Jimmy Kimmel ran his BattleBot(tm) Ginsu into a wall six times. G.S.S.(tm) rears its ugly head yet again. The brainy behemoth bows below the boiling blasts of the Bitch's banter.

DENNIS: Who the hell is this guy? Looks at commentary... What the hell? 'Sex Appeal(tm)'? I've never even heard of this guy, and it seems neither has Joe. Oh well, yadda yadda yadda, G.S.S.(tm), and he... um... Suddenly surrenders so She-Deamon's surreal, surly slaves stop his screaming so she can snack in silence.

MALCOLM: Wicked Witch(tm), indeed. One look at this tasty, Hansel-and- Gretel sequel candidate, and Malcolm finds himself in the middle of two slices of bread. (The pun is vengeance for the 'Sex Appeal(tm)' string! Mwa hahahaha...). Also, Dewey messes up everything for him so G.S.S.(tm) appears, and Malcolm is... er... (Damn these are hard!)... chomped cow-like coolly by the crusty cro-magnon ... ... screw it. I never liked Malcolm in the Middle anyhow.

ROBERT: His 'specialized training' would definitely help against Kyle's Mom Mk. II(tm), but he won't be given a chance. She will devour him while he lacks the crucial aid provided by his tools, and the (er... this part again... um... that's it, I'll do the letter 'u') ubiquitous unknown undead unmaker is unborn by the Überbitch(tm). Oh, and I'm sure that someone would cause G.S.S.(tm).

DEXTER: So... lazy... erg... Here goes... Deedee. G.S.S.(tm). Deedee approaches The Dead Whore. "What does this button do?" Bang. Dexter's death doled dutifully due to dark destruction device.

Fingers... numb... aaaggghhhh..................

- Dr. No

You have to understand, this match is going to last much longer than a standard "Weakest Link" episode. Mainly because of the presence of uber-geeks, know-it-alls, and just plain smart people. Little doubt whoever wins this will be walking away with the million. But I see the voting off that's so reminiscient of "Survivor" will go something like this:

Dennis is gone. He'll probably cost the group seconds when he starts going off into a rant involving the answers to a question. That, his annoyance factor(tm), and the fact that he's pretty much the only one with sex appeal makes him the biggest threat to the money. He's probably first to go. He goes on and rants about how the nerd society are a bunch of petty weirdos and ends up with his best rant yet.

Malcolm won't be a great asset. He suffers from similar problems that Dennis suffers, namely the rant (tm). By some twist of fate, he'll be the one to earn the spot for the final question of the round, to get the 250'000$, which will involve the human reproductive system. Being in such a pressure spot, as well as having to deal with a queasy subject, he'll snap and go into one of his asides, without realizing that the clock's still on. Fortunately, he catches himself and answers in the nick of time, but the others get an insight into Malcolm that they'd rather not have seen. Malcolm off in the second or third round. Malcolm ends up getting ganged up on by his family for failing so miserably, he grows up even more scarred for life, becomes a multi-billionaire by the age of 22 and has his family systematically "removed".

Dave points out that compared to Anne Robinson, Diane Chambers is downright sexy. However, he fails to realize that these young remaining geeks are pre-pubescent and therefore more or less immune to the lures of the "attractive" female. There may be Ben and Giles left (on the off chance Lisa as well, but a: she's a pre-pubescent child and b: I don't think she goes that way), but they are probably not interested in her, and even so, they probably have enough common sense to keep their libidos in check. Also, I don't know who she is, which is why I'm guessing she's off by the third round (I really don't care what the results are so far.) She ends up hunting me down and forces me to listen to Backstreet Boys music as revenge for giving her the brush off in this match.

Ben Stein. His past as a game show host will give him valuable insights into Anne Robinson. He knows when she's going to give them an absolute stumper by the way her breathing changes, her eyes light up, or how she emits odours that reek of excitement. He'll signal the others when he sees such behaviour. However, the child prodigies that frequent this episode will quickly pick up on the patterns, and he'll no longer be of any use, because he will lack insight into some of the questions although he'll bank quite nicely. Ben's gone around the fourth or fifth. For him, life goes on as normal.

Giles ain't lasting. He'll be more or less lucky because his questions will involve mythologies of all kinds (Willow's in the crowd doing some mental hijinx on Anna Robinson every time she comes to Giles. Unfortunately, the repeated presence in Robinson's mind, even for brief periods, will have her burn out midway.) He'll come across a question involving modern references, and be stumped. Luckily, it will be a multiple choice question, and he gets it, but the brief pause shows a type of weakness that the others will quickly pounce on. Fortunately for him, he was not in it for the money. He was just there to confirm a theory, though he admits that the money would have been nice. Giles is gone around the same time Ben is. Giles fades to the background.

Now for the battle of the cartoons. We have Dexter vs Jason vs Lisa. Jason here will be the biggest threat to the others because he has a greater connection to the outside world. Though he'll get his questions faster (in this round, the weakest and strongest links will be determined by the average number of seconds one takes to answer, rather than the most or least wrong). Dexter and Lisa will gang up on Jason and remove him. Jason is annoyed and consoles himself by harassing Paige for the next month.

Finally, we have Dexter vs Lisa. Two child geniuses duking it out. They end up answering 257 (The standard number of questions asked in the final round is usually 5 or less) questions before Anna Robinson finally wigs out and reveals her true self: a hideous hell-spawn demon that was bitten by Barbara Streisand. She attacks the two simultaneously, before getting staked, bolted, blasted, axed, sworded, stabbed, etc. by Buffy and co's entire arsenal. Giles smiles, knowing he did the world a favour. Unfortunately, no one gets the money, because Ms Robinson, in her death throes, lost bowel control over the money.

Lisa goes home less than concerned, for this wasn't the first time she almost became a millionaire, while Dexter takes a scenic detour and winds up meeting his future girlfriend to be: Blossum.

*Hey, I said little doubt at the beginning*

- I am that is

Lisa is likely to have this in the bag. Most of the other characters have connections to those who underestimated the Simpson factor and lost.

The Simpsons vs. Win Ben Stein's Money: Lisa Simpson vs. Ben Stein
Did the Simpsons win on a previous game show? Yes.
On "The Newlyweds Game", Lisa's parents, Marge and Homer, beat the Bunkers and the Bundys. Simpson victory over "All in the Family" and "Married...with Children". Game show experience for Lisa, she can win (what would've been) Ben Stein's Money.

The Simpsons vs. Cheers: Lisa Simpson vs. Diane Chambers
Did the Simpsons beat Cheers? Yes.
Lisa's father, Homer Simpson, involved in another match, had a one- sided victory over another "Cheers" character, Norm Peterson. Simpsons already beat Cheers. Lisa's already beat Diane.

The Simpsons vs. the FoxTrot comic strip: Lisa Simpson vs. Jason Fox
Did the Simpsons beat another supposedly popular comic strip? Yes.
Lisa's big brother, Bart Simpson, in what is most likely their most monumental victory thus far, single-handedly took out Calvin, of "Calvin and Hobbes". (I'd vote Bart, Bill Watterson seems to have an awfully bad attitude towards his own strip's popularity. And until I start seeing "Calvin and Hobbes" again...) Jason has no chance. Lisa can out-"fox" Jason.

The Simpsons vs. Malcolm in the Middle: Lisa Simpson vs. Malcolm Wilkerson
Did the Simpsons beat another popular sit-com? Um...
Well, the "Newlyweds" victory has two, but I can't double up. Unfortunately, this is where the Simpsons' first loss came in (Itchy and Scratchy notwithstanding). Lisa's neighbor, Ned Flanders, had the Ark beat out of him by Wilson of "Home Improvement". (But we saw that coming, right?) That's probably acceptable. Malcolm would have a chance.

The Simpsons vs. Dexter's Labratory: Lisa Simpson vs. Dexter
Did the Simpsons beat another supposedly witty, if poorly animated, cartoon? Yes.
Remember, Lisa was part of the team that iced South Park. Alongside her brother Bart, the South Park kids would be shivering in their skates, considering Bart's incredible previous victory. Advantage: Lisa Simpson (Dexter doesn't even have a last name.)

That only leaves Dennis Miller, Malcolm Winkerson and Rupert Giles in the running. But as I write this, Dennis and Malcolm are out. Against only Rupert Giles, of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer", hmm...

In action movies, Bart once told Milhouse, "If you want a great action movie, you've got to attend the Schwarzeneggers, the Stallones, or, to a lesser extent, the Van Dammes." But he said nothing about "the Seagals". Jean-Claude Van Damme beat Steven Seagal.

The Simpson factor will overcome.

- sf

It was a normal day sneaking into the head offices of NBC and digging in the file cabinet of "Sure-Fire hits", and getting a paper cut on "The Brady Movie 5: A Very Brady Moonwalk", it was while spilling the contents of "Law & Order: Parking Violations Unit" when I discovered something very relevant and disturbing...

While searching for the lost documents of Nostradamus, for my employer, The National Inquirer, I had stumbled on the "non-prewritten hashed out skeleton outline" (Coughs "NBC hack off!") of this episode. After taking it home that night, and flicking on the tube, I saw a horror just as great as the realization that I had not heated the TV dinner I had eaten more than half of... I stared in horror at a dawning reality, predicted more than two seasons of Grudge-Matches ago....

Ancient Document:
The blind fire haired Buscatchra* overlooks the doomed brethren of eight.

*can only be translated as "Overgrown Chihuaua on Speed who didn't take its Prozac" (TM)

Actual Show:
Anne: Welcome to the Weakest Link you sorry excuses for life who prove all of Darwin's theories wrong....
*the eight contestants shiver in fear*

Ancient Document:
The trial would take the breath of life away from the one who speaks the ancient words of Blah-Blah-Blah-ese.

Actual Show:
Anne: Round one! Start the clock!
Insert crappy techno music here
*after failing to get any questions correct, everyone votes for Dennis*

Dennis: Insert horrid joke about some ancient thing that no one understands and fake laughter here.
Anne: (Takes out a 9mm and puts us out our misery)

Insert Handel's "Hallelujah" here

The Buscatchra snarls and brutishly assaults her victims...

Anne: Insert bad 'short-coming' joke here
*Anne looks down at her multiple choice insult list available for $9.95 at any good Barnes and Noble*
Who's a tequila short of their neighbor's bedroom?
Who's thoughts usually die of isolation?
Who's a zit short of a 13-year old?

Malcolm: Hey! Who the f-
Anne: Shut it squeaky! (KA-BLAM!)

Then the evil seems to twist her own rules...

Anne: Diane, your hairdo looks like my favorite chew toy!
Diane: That's not a question!
Anne: Well that's not an answer!
*pulls a string and a gullotine blade slices her in half with a sickening thud*

Soon, there are but three left. Strangely, all have four fingers... They turn on the Buscatchra with sheer cunning.

Anne: Who would have more touble at bowling than just holding the ball? One of you is about to have their soul put in an 'outplacement program'... It's time to reveal who YOU think is the weakest link, although in the end you'll all die miserable deaths anyway, in the only way we can salvage our ratings... So, who did you wretches vote for?

Dexter/Jason/Lisa (revealing their screens): Anne!

Anne: Well, with three votes, you- HEY! Wait a minute you two- dimensional spawns of satan! This isn't a democracy, this is a dictatorship! I am ANNE ROBINSON! Judge Dread in an Armani trouser suit!

Then lightning and screeches cause pain and torture!

*lights flash tormentedly and techno music rises to a climax. Instantly, all oriental people in the audience have epiliptec seizures*

Then, with fiery finesse, the Buscatchra destroys the contestants and becomes ruler of the world with an iron fist, destroying all who stand in her way...

*Commercial break*

Well, you know what? Any interpretation of this would be only speculation, bu-ut....

*The monarchy rules totally, and Queen Anne the Horrid sits on her throne.*

Anne: Welcome to Leaders of the World Weakest Link! With five votes, George W.- you are the weakest link, Goodbye!
George: That's Unconstitutionary!

*Transmission cuts...*

Now, all I have to do is bow to the Queen, and get my stomach pumped as I try to find out what Nostradamus meant by:

"And then the glowing page that could be seen across the world pitted a war among the stars against the captain of a star voyage. And the captain's fate was even worse than the victims of the Buscatchra."

- Peter Tutham "Who's one LOL short of a chat room?"

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