A brief melody plays in step with Mr. Rogers as he walks up to the door and opens it. "Well, Hello neighbor! Look, it's our new neighbor, Captain Kangaroo. Please come on in, Captain."
Captain Kangaroo, dressed in his sharp red coat, returns the greeting and steps inside. "Fred, I wonder if I could borrow some ping pong balls."
"Of course, anything for my new neighbor. Please, have a seat while I get it." Captain Kangaroo walks into the living room to wait.
Mister Rogers screams in horror. "Your shoes! You forgot to take off your shoes! Oh dear, the carpet will be ruined!"
Captain Kangaroo, looks on as Mister Rogers frets over the carpet. Not wanting to do any more damage, he sits down. Snap! Captain Kangaroo stands back up, and turns around to see he sat on and crushed Trolley (tm). He picks up its crushed frame and walks towards Mister Rogers. "Fred, I'm terribly sorry..."
Mister Rogers sees the damage and he cracks. "You Bastard! King Friday and his Kingdom are marooned now!" His rage grows. Then his voice changes to a deep growling voice uncharacteristic of Mister Rogers. "I'm gonna kill you."
"I'm not about to be killed by a little twerp like you. Come on, show me what you got!"
The two circle and prepare to duke it out.
So, Brian, which happy host has his heiney handed to him??
Let's look at his resume: Captain Kangaroo was a U.S. Marine! Thus, unlike the fraud known as "Colonel" (snicker) Sanders, Captain Kangaroo may have actually earned his title. He probably knows 18 different ways to kill a normal person with a single finger, nevermind what he could do to this dork. Additionally, Captain is from upstate New York. That's hockey country. Mr. Rogers wears a sweater. Before the eye can blink, Kangaroo has that cardigan pulled over Rogers head and is beating him like a Red Wing beats Claude Lemieux.
Now, onto the shortcomings of Mr. Rogers. How much time do I have? Whatever it is, it's not enough. First of all, while CK is trained in death, Rogers is trained in the ministry. He's an ordained Presbyterian minister. A killing machine he is not, Steve. Second, he's an absolute wimp. I once saw him shoot some baskets and get severely winded, to the point of having trouble breathing, after only shooting six. Oh, and did I mention that he was sitting down at the time! This guy up against a Marine? No chance. Finally, notice how tenderly he talks to the children watching the show. Notice that he changes his shoes and sweater in every episode, sending the message that it's OK for children to watch a grown man getting undressed. Notice that he has a friend named Mr. "McFeely". Jeffrey Dahmer's fate has shown us what happens to perverts like this when left in closed quarters with dangerous people such as prisoners or ex-marines.
The Captain approaches Rogers. Rogers lifts his left hand to reveal... King Friday! "Halt! In the name of the King!" The forensic proctologist is never able to retrieve King Friday's crown.
STEVE: I can't believe you'd pick that bloated, walking piece of fat over Mister Rogers. Mister Rogers is a lithe, nimble fighting machine who is undoubtedly under the influence of The Rage (tm). Captain Kangaroo is an overweight butterball who is already one twinkie short of a heart attack. He probably worked up a sweat walking up to Mr. Rogers' front door. He is in no condition for any physical exertion. Within about ten seconds, he'll be clutching his chest in pain and groping for his nitroglycerin pills. The mere threat of Fred's words is likely to send him into arrhythmia.
We also must look at Captain Kangaroo's red jacket. Obviously, Captain Kangaroo must be a card-carrying communist to wear such a horrific piece of red clothing. A global theme which is an intricate part of both history and entertainment is that time and time again the communists must always lose. Rocky beat the Communist in Rocky IV. We stole the Russians' submarine in The Hunt for Red October. James Bond beat them numerous times. And the Communists lost the Cold War. I think it's clear that the Captain is doomed to fail before he even begins.
You are being very shortsighted discounting the characters from the Land of Make-Believe. This land is still a monarchy, and he's pissed off the king. Not wise. You may laugh and say that these imaginary characters are useless. But I just read Sphere (from the creator of Jurassic Park), and he assures me that imagination makes us all god-like in our abilities. With a whole land of these imaginary characters, all under control of an enraged king, Captain Kangaroo will be destroyed in seconds.
I'd like to paraphrase the prophets known as The Statler Brothers, who foresaw this match a long time ago:
...Smoking cigarettes and watching Captain Kangaroo
Now don't tell me, that he's not through
BRIAN: There is the brink of insanity, Steve, and then there is the abyss. The Statler Brothers? The Statler Brothers??!! So if the Oak Ridge Boys were to have mentioned Mr. Rogers in one of their songs, then that would also be relevant in this discussion? Oh, but of course they haven't. Because Mr. Rogers isn't even interesting enough to warrant consideration for inclusion in COUNTRY MUSIC lyrics, the same lyrics which continually focus on pick-ups, dogs, and beer. Pitiful.
Oh, and I'll humor you for a second about the Captain's red coat. Let's just say that the color of his coat proves that he is a Card-Carrying Communist (tm). While this fact would eventually doom him to failure, it does not doom him to failure in this fight. Yes, communism always fails, but it takes the likes of Rocky, James Bond, or the economic collapse resulting from a mindboggling build-up of massive intercontinental nuclear warheads combined with 3 dead leaders in 5 months to do it! The pitiful Mr. Rogers is a mere Czechoslovakia for the Red Menace (tm) that is Captain Kangaroo. The Captain will continue his reign of terror until he meets up with his own personal Rocky: a reincarnated Bob Ross.
And let me close by pointing out that the Captain clearly wasn't borrowing one ping pong ball, but enough to drop from his ceiling. He'll need a friend to help carry them all back. Thus, we cannot forget the importance of Mr. Green Jeans in this battle. I remind our readers that any fashion statement is a fashion risk. For a grown man to wear jeans that are not blue or black is simply not accepted in today's society. Clearly, this is a man unwavering in his convictions, and one not afraid to stand his ground. Plus, anyone brave enough to wear green jeans has most certainly been in his share of fights. And the simple fact that red and green are complementary colors shows the teamwork these two possess. This pair of warriors will tag team Mr. Rogers, and any possible friends he might "believe" to be real, into oblivion.
STEVE: While we're bringing others into the fray, let's not forget where we are. Yes, it's Mister Rogers Neighborhood, not Captain Kangaroo's neighborhood. Mister Rogers has lived there for like thirty years. He's a part of the good ol' boy network. As soon as word gets out, you had better believe that help is on the way. And after this fight is over, Captain K will probably continue to find flat tires on his kangaroomobile, broken windows, and maybe a dead moose or two on his front lawn.
Sometimes your comments puzzle me. Your whole Green Jeans argument is based on the premise that Captain Kangaroo needs help to carry back ping-pong balls. The last time I checked, ping-pong balls don't weigh anything. A whole crate of them would probably weight like 5 pounds or so. And you admit that Captain Kangaroo needs help carrying them? Your own argument shows how weak and decrepit the Captain has become. Yet you still think he can beat Mister Rogers. Strange.
And while we're still talking about clothing, there is another facet to the Captain's red jacket. Doesn't it bear a remarkable similarity to that of the red-shirted ensigns? (See this historic match for more info.) When up against a non-red-wearing person, he is of course doomed to failure. After mere seconds, the fight will be over. The Mister Rogers theme will begin to play. The camera will begin to pan over to Picture-picture(tm) which will show an image of Captain Kangaroo with X's for eyes. The camera will then slowly zoom out over the once-again peaceful Mister Rogers Neighborhood.
Thanks to the many people that have suggested this or a similar match. Special thanks to "Dr. Dave" for being the first.
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King Friday, Queen Sarah, and Prince Tuesday are an obvious metaphor for our own "royal" family of Bill, Hillary, and Chelsea. A benevolent dictator with an apparently passive wife whom we all KNOW has her own way behind closed doors (and well she should !). A quiet, only child who stands as almost-mute testimony to the sanctity of nuclear family and the American Dream (TM).
X the Owl and Henrietta Pussycat are a painfully obvious metaphor for East and West Germany both before and after unification. Grudgingly locked in a symbiotic relationship, they have each come to an uneasy truce with their neighbor which may, in time, d evelop into a true alliance. With the help of "King Friday" (read: Rogers), X -- a slow talking determined personality obviously fashioned after the values of the old south, has won over "Henrietta" (read: formery red commie Germany), a capricious, unsta ble personality who is hard to understand when she speaks and probably doesn't pay her bills on time. So, we see the inevitable creeping influence of Rogers and his ability to gain allies.
But there's more!!! Lady Elaine Fairchild is clearly meant to represent communist Russia. It's so obvious. She is overbearing, loud, obnoxious, and closely resembles every highly ranked Russian leader of the past decade or more. I wouldn't be surprised to find bottles of vodka hidden all over that spinning house of hers. (listen closely to the song "Won't You Be My Neighbor" played backwards. You will clearly hear Lady Elaine's strident voice declaring "we will bury you.") But we know what happened t o those guys too, don't we? Democracy wins again.
The Platypus Family represent Switzerland and are therefore perpetually neutral and above the complicated machinations of the political power structure in the Land of Make Believe. But they have more dough than King Friday (they need it to cover their h uge bills!!! guffaw! I made a funny).
Daniel Tiger! He lives in a large clock reminiscent of the Eiffel Tower if you down a few Tequila shots and squint real hard. The hell with the french and the hell with the Eiffel Tower. The hell with Daniel Tiger. He's a wuss. But his clock-home is reminiscent of our own fast approaching "Nuclear Midnight" and reminds us that we must remain ever-vigilant in the face of our detractors. But the Platypi and Tiger are, finally, ostensibly democratic influences!!
Thus, we see that Rogers has the the power of all the Allied forces (except for Italy, and we are better off without them -- heck, they elect porn stars to political office. . . On second thought. . .nevermind), plus he claims reunified Germany and a quic kly democratizing Soviet Union at his beck and call. The trolley may be out of commission briefly, but, as we have seen in countless WWII movies, other trolleys will rise to take the place of their fallen comrade-in-arms. Once the residents of the Land Of Make Belive are mustered, "Captain" Kangaroo will be vanquished, and that right quickly.
(Hmmmm, Kangaroos are from Australia, a land entirely peopled by criminals.)
So, it is clear that Rogers CANNOT lose. Democracy and the American Way (TM) will always prevail over our opposites. Here's Rogers, sitting peacefully, going about the business of taking care of his own. CK, this gigantic upstart, forces his way into t he picture under obviously false pretenses (like he could ever, actually, run out of Ping Pong balls! Pshaw!) and forces Rogers into a confrontation. Rogers has no choice but to teach him a little respect.
And don't forget, one of CK's favorite books is "The Story About Ping". A book set where? CHINA!!! Need I say more?
This brief outline of the situation barely scratches the surface. But I think it makes the general point. Rogers must win for the world to continue in it's courses. For the Good of All: Rogers.
Mister Rogers will appear to be winning the fight with the initial left hook. But then, after delivering the first punch, he'll be in the mood for a good roundhouse kick. To do that, he'll have to pause to change into his Roundhouse Kick Cardigan (tm). While he's doing that, Captain Kangaroo will give him a good kidney punch or two, and if Rogers can even stand up after that, he won't be able to fight effectively. And even if he did deliver the intended move, he'll have to change into his Head Butt Cardigan (tm), followed by his 2-1 Combo Cardigan (tm), followed by his Groin Kneeing Sweater Vest (tm).
Furthermore, while all of this is happening, Captain Kangaroo will easily be able to tell by watching which clothing Mister Rogers chooses which punch he will throw next. But I think he's a pretty straightforward kinda guy. The second that Rogers turns toward the closet, Kangy will be all over him like, well, like French women on a Jerry Lewis centerfold.
Oh, and one other thing. I always thought the Oak Ridge Boys and the Statler Brothers were the same people. Are they? Does anyone know? And if not, who is ripping off whom?
- Turkey Volume Guessing Woman
Do you honestly think, Steve, that Mr. Rogers is capable of feeling any emotion through that thick fog of Flintstones chewable Valium? I am deeply saddened by your belief that Mr. Rogers has the Rage (TM). It was unconvincing and felt tacked on. I've seen outtakes of Mr. Rogers trying to put up a pup tent, one of life's most stressful tests of human patience. Rather than take his frustrations out on the crew filming him, he kept on trying for hours with that silly medicated smile on his face. Mr. Rogers is the antithesis of The Rage(TM).
Meanwhile, Brian's lame argument of Captain Kangaroo earning his title is proof that someone has renewed his prescription of moron pills. Four words, Brian: The Captain and Tenille! Anyone can pick up the title of Captain at the local army surplus. I, for example, am now Captain of the 197th cross-dressing cavalry (hey, it was marked down to five bucks!). Neither of these competitors would be able to draw blood, much less inflict lethal force. At worst, they would scratch each other severely.
As the two TV sissies try to work out their problem, in a non-physically violent way, an enraged Eddie Murphy kicks in the door and screams "GET YOUR BITCH ASSES OUTTA HERE! THIS IS MR. ROBINSON'S HOOD NOW!" Buoyed by a career that has recently given us Metro, The Nutty Professor, and Vampire in Brooklyn, Robinson bludgeons both Kangaroo and Rogers and gets back to teaching the youth of America about becoming Oomptepenoors.
I predict that the captain will hop all over Rogers in no time.
1. Mr. Rogers is always taking impressionable youngsters on trips to see how glass is made, or milk is bottled, or laser rifles are manufactured or some such thing. Clearly he represents the forces of Technology in modern society.
So, we have here a battle of Technology vs. Nature. Which will win? Well, what is more technological than the WWW? Out of sheer patriotism we should all vote for Mr. Rogers. But if you need more proof, witness the ignominious defeat of Poison Ivy in the latest Batman Film. And Kangaroo doesn't even have the Babe Factor.
My prediction: Captain beats Rogers senseless in a honkin' big rush of adrenaline, leaving ol' Fred in "Make-Believe Land" for a long long time.
- Chris Knight
You guys oughta be forced to watch reruns of Big Valley.
Mister Rogers will either: a. pause to give a lecture to the kiddies on the evils of fighting. Result: Captain K has a chance to get in a good punch while he's not paying attention. b. realise that what he is doing is Wrong and break into a touching rendition of "Won't you be my Neighbor" Result: Captain K has a chance to get in a good punch while he's not paying attention. or c. discover someone from The Land Of Make-Believe has stubbed his/her/its toe, and use the occasion to teach the kiddies about wonderful home remedies Result: Captain K has a chance to get in a good punch while he's not paying attention. TKO, Captain K wins. (And P.S. Stevie, your grand Mister Rogers wears red sweaters on occasion!)
IT ALL SEEMED so simple. Our good captain eviscerates Mr. Rogers via the Mr. Greenjeans factor. Mr. Greenjeans, the good. Mr. Greenjeans, the just. Mr. Greenjeans, Destroyer of Worlds. But I digress.
KNOCK ON THE DOOR. Who could it be? Why, if it isn't Mr. McFealy, of the speedy delivery service! Delivering his message of carnage and pain. That's right, folks; the Disgruntled Postman (© 1995) factor washes even fell Greenjeans out with the trash. And suddenly, it's anyone's game.
So, once again we are forced to ask the question, What's in a name? Lessee. Captain Kangaroo. Wait a second. That's an Aussie name or I'm a platypus. It seems one of our friends comes from the Land Down Under. Land of Mel Gibson, Foster's, and Vegemite. Our good friend the capt. probably has years of experience hunting big game in the Outback. Even more, he is a captain. Now, I ask you, what do you think is necessary to become a ranking officer in the Australian army? You probably have to kill a crocodile with your bare hands or something. Perhaps you're required to take out some national embarassment like Paul Hogan or Yahoo Serious. In any case, it's clear the man is doubly qualified for a fight.
Compare this to Mr. Rogers. The only other Rogers I can think of is Ginger Rogers. Now, while such a Rogers could certainly glide circles around our good Captain on the dance floor, I somehow believe the combat abilities would be lacking. And, let's face it. This Rogers is no Ginger.
Ergo, it seems Mr. Rogers will have new neigbors by the name of Adolf Hitler and The Brady Family in a very low pit of Hell. 'Roo, meanwhile, will take advantage of such initiative and claim Friday's kingdom as a Territ'ry of Australia.
Can you tell me how to get, how to get to sesame street,
As soon as Mr. Rogers raises his voice, Captain Kangaroo gives him a Captain Kirk Death Chop to the Neck (TM) and then sits on him, crushing his frail body and ending his pitiful life.
They must use Roo's fighting strength along with Rogers' military cunning and swear alliegence to their noble cause for the battle of a lifetime.
Dedicated, these two warriors for children's education must band together, as the ying and the yang. . .
Upon victory, Rogers will feed dried dragon meat to his fish while the Captain will don a new purple sport coat.
- Vomit Death
- Bob, Black Belt of the Roger-Fu.
While Mr. Rogers has a few weasely hand-puppets who have a VERY limited range of motion (all of whom he does the voices for, might I add), Captain Kangaroo has ACTUAL puppets who have HUGE ranges of motion ... arms, antlers, and the like. And he has OTHER people do the puppeteering and voices for them, just like on _Mystery Science Theater 3000_ or C-SPAN.
And, I think that Captain Kangaroo has more influence over the other puppets who were ever on PBS. His time-slot was so much closer to those of _Sesame Street_ and _The Letter People_ than Mister Rogers, whose time-slot was in the afternoon, when it's time for all good babies to be sleeping and not watching his show. With Big Bird(tm) and Ms. E(tm) on his side, CK would Be One with the prize. And that's not just an Obsession of mine.
- The Amazing Indeterminable Quark, Part IV
Contrast that with the amphetamine-enhanced Mister McFeely making a speedy delivery of ice cold death. Chef Brockett's lifetime of experience with knives and other less pleasant kitchen implements. Fred Rogers' "leaping puppet" kung fu. Air support from X the owl. Naval support from Fred's aquarium full of piranha. The supernatural malevolence of Lady Elaine Fairchild. The Mythical, Medieval, and Malformed Rage(tm) of Robert Troll.
And, let's not forget Fred's special episode devoted to the notion that TV isn't real. An episode which featured guest appearances from Bill Bixby and, yes, the Incredible Hulk himself, Lou Ferrigno. Throw in a cameo from a very young Michael Keaton and you'll see that even the most desperate measures won't help the Captain survive in this Kangaroo Court. Let's make some popcorn and gather ‘round Picture Picture for the instant replay. Can you say "carnage"? I knew you could.
- Dr. Dave
So either you guys are geniuses or you are flunking out. I think the latter.
Oh, about Mr. Roger: Goodness always prevails. He can always claim he was temporarily possessed by the devil, but has been reborn. It worked for Erlichman, didn't it?
Ah, but what of Karla Faye Tucker? NOW who's not doing their homework? -Eds.
Then 30 plus years of internal turmoil bubbles to the surface, and Rogers charges Kangaroo. The good Captain's reflexes being slowed by his bulk, he hardly has time to react. Rogers manages to topple Kangaroo, and his weight gives him the momentum to cr ash through the wall, into the model street.
A good old-fashioned street brawl takes place as a crowd of Rogers neighbors forms a circle around the two, pelting Kangaroo with bottles and rocks. Kangaroo manages to do his damage, but this only serves to further anger Mr. Rogers, who pounds the portl y ex-Marine to a mushy pulp.
Both of them become exhausted, Mr. Rogers because under all that Rage (tm) he's still a geek, and Kangaroo because of tons of donuts pressing down on his heart. After they both catch their breath, the battle moves back inside the house.
The two keep duking it out, until Rogers cleverly grabs Kangaroo by his hair, and forces his plump face into the fish tank. Two minutes pass, and Kangaroo stops struggling, finally subdued by the lack of air, and fish poop.
Mr. Rogers plucks the corpulent Captain's corpse from the water, and his massive bulk keeps him upright, like some inflatable bop bag.
Then, to Rogers surprise, a stream of water gushes from Kangaroo's mouth, hitting him in the eye. Kangaroo's eyes flick open, with just as much Rage (tm) shining in them as Rogers. He used some ancient Hindu trick that he learned during his Marine days to temporarily stop his heart. He then thunders towards Rogers, prepared to rend him limb from skinny limb.
Just when all seems lost for our normally mild-mannered next-door neighbor, Michael Crichton appears at the doorway.
"I'm here to help," he says to Rogers, "Steve asked me to come here. I owed him after he plugged my book, Sphere (now a major motion picture)."
Sitting down at a typewriter, Crichton punches the keys rapidly. Suddenly, a 30 foot orb with strange markings looms in the background. As Kangaroo stares in awe, a giant, bio-luminescent squid appears in the fish tank. Two long feeding tentacles, term inating in diamond shaped pads with toothy suction cups grab Kangaroo's head, enveloping it entirely. They drag him into the tank, with his screams muffled by muscular flesh. Before the tentacles pull him into the squid's beaked maw, hundreds of jellyfi sh swarm him, stinging his plentiful skin.
[Cue music and end credits]
I was just sticking to the ORIGINAL question... "So, Brian, which happy host has his heiney handed to him??"
- WVU Chuck
- Evan Stokley
Captain Kangaroo will do like a baby kangaroo vs. Sylvestar the cat. And don't forget the ol' SCTV sketch "Battle of the PBS stars" in which Mr. Rogers gets his scrawny behind thrown around the ring by a rough and ready Julia Childs.
Rogers has only gotten older since then, while Kangaroo has gotten fatter.
- Daniel Frey
- Tom Fairlie
We know for one that Farley can fight when angered enough. Have any of you seen Beverly Hill's Ninja? He has got to be the best 400 pound ninja ever on the face of the planet. Smoking Man on the other hand can't be in much better shape than Mister Rogers. For one, he smokes constantly, stopping only to heighten the mood. He even dresses much like Mister Rogers, nice clothes, tie, parted hair. Farley would have no trouble kicking the shit out of a wiener like him. All Smoking Man can do is start a conspiracy.
So, using the above as grounds for my descision, Kangaroo makes Rogers say Uncle and cry to the King for help. The Cap., being a forgiving person, offers to buy Mister Rogers a new Trolley and clean his carpet (what a nice guy). Mister Rogers is still filled with rage though and Captain Kangaroo is forced to kill him with a ton of ping-pong balls (hey, a ton of anything is heavy).
This story in loving memory of Chris Farley.
Captain Kangaroo vs. Mr. Rogers? Geez, what a tough matchup. The Captain's older than sin, and Mr. Rogers is, to put it mildly, meek. This battle's sort of like Jesse Helms vs. Richard Simmons when you think about it.
But the real key is hidden allies. The Captain is trying to finish bitch-slapping Fred around the house before his heart gives out when the door bursts open and representatives of the New Captain Kangaroo Hour swarm in. They don't want the title sullied by an unseemly fight (just as the new show is starting to take off, too!), so they sedate the old Captain and wheel him off to a rest home on the outskirts of Paducah, KY. Mr. Rogers by TKO.
"That's it, Fred! Take your licks like the dog you are!"
"Sorry, Mr. Kangaroo. Even your friend Mr. Bunny will be in no mood to help you out this time."
"My fist is going to go so far up Make-Believe Land...Say, do you hear something?"
"Sounds something like rumbling in the distance. Kids, can you say seismograph? I knew you could!"
The house is flattened a la Monty Python's opening credits by a brownish-green boot.
Yes, folks, direct from the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation, who brought you Mr. Dressup and Fred Penner's Place, comes the man who went medieval way before anyone else:
The Friendly Giant
Friendly, rid of two American mainstays, heads back to his castle, where he celebrates with Jerome Giraffe, Rusty Rooster and the orchestra of raccoons. And all in a 15 minute timeslot...
- Vlad, from the REAL hockey country (tm)
- -=Mark G=- Contact the Commander
- Flash Swenning
Unbeknownst to Captain Kangaroo, Bunny Rabbit has stowed himself away in his coat pocket, and picks this moment to peek out, a small carrot in hand. "Aww," Mister Rogers coos, "isn't your little friend adorable?"
Kangaroo looks down. "Bunny Rabbit, what are you doing with that carrot?"
What Bunny is doing is Gettin' Medieval(tm). Like an expert javelin hurler, he flings the carrot at Rogers, poking him in the eye. Rogers reels backward, bumping his fishtank and dunking his hand inside. Viewers aren't aware that Rogers keeps piranhas, since Rogers's mere presence is usually enough to keep them pacified and content to nibble on fish flakes. The sudden agitation, however, momentarily snaps them out of their hypnotized state.
Before long, Mister Rogers is being carried away in Mister McFeeley's Speedy Delivery Ambulance (hey, it's a small neighborhood; he's gotta moonlight), as Captain Kangaroo waves a shaming finger. "Naughty Bunny. No ping-pong balls for you."
That's what he thinks, as a shower of them descends from the ceiling, soon filling the house knee-deep as a catchy jazz theme takes us out...
This match was brought to you by the Children's Television Workshop(tm).
- Call me Shane
P.S. I really am going to be gargling battery acid in Purgatory thanks to you guys. *sigh* Where do I go to get my innocence back?
I'm thinkin' that Rogers is down with the homies in his 'hood; the Roge (tm) has undoubtedly used his easygoing nature and religious standing to good effect. Kangaroo's not on his home turf, and even he's smart enough to know you don't bring your posse onto somebody else's turf 'less you mean to be startin' somethin'. Big mistake, 'Roo-man.
Captain Kangaroo walks into the Roge's crib and starts Talkin' Smack (tm) to the Roge, to say nothin' of wreckin' the place up, all the Roge has to do is give a shout out and the local boys will be on Kangaroo with jimmybats and switchblades.
- Thomas Wilde
Why won't Fred know? DRUGS. Obviously, he's been dropping a few tabs of LSD here and there. "Land of Make-Believe"? What kind of psychedelic chemical has Mr. Rogers been using? When he realizes he's doomed, he'll probably be talking to those damn puppets and asking them if they had a good day floating in the ether of null-space! He won't even be able to create intellignet sentences, much less be able to set up a proper counter-sniper defense.
As you guys like to say: QED(tm) Veterans, one. Peace-loving hippies, ZERO.
Mr. Rogers will open the battle with the brilliant move of making believe he is pounding the hell out of the Captain. The Captain has demonstated again and again that he is incapable of initiating agression (why else would he put up with rabbit for more than ten seconds?) and will instead roll his eyes.
Of course, the brave Captain actually made a stunning tactical error by saying "ping-pong balls" and so throughout the fight he suffers disadvantage of being continuously pelted from above by the small white spheres. Normally this would only be a distrac tion, but as everyone knows ping-pong balls immobilize Captain Kangroo so he can't take the one step sideways needed to avoid the shower.
Now, of course, with Mr. Rogers making believe he is thrashing the Captain's butt he will probably pull that annoying third wall trick in which he does a three-sixty of the studio while on camera and while staying in character. This was enough to warp the minds of many children, imagine what it would do to a man who gets tricked out of carrots by a rabbit every friggen' week!
Captain Kangaroo's head explodes and Mr. Rogers claims the victory.
- Warren Von
Stunned by Fred Rogers' rejection of his silent plea for a way out of this pathetic situation, Captain Kangaroo lets the floodgates of RAGE open, and uses his deadly Marine hand-to-hand tactics to tie Rogers into a bloody, whimpering, knotted mess of carn age. He is about to administer the coup-de-grace when the front door is kicked in. Kangaroo turns to meet the threat, but can only let out a snarling, animal-like growl before fire from 10 assault rifles turns him into Swiss kiddy show host. "Special deli very, you pathetic moose-lovin' tub o' lard" snarls Mr. McFeely, hawking a loogie and adding insult to Captain Kangaroos multiple lethal organ-exposing injuries by spitting it onto the remains of his spleen. Soon McFeely and his colleagues from the local Post Office (backed up by celebrity guests Newman and Cliff Claven) have gathered up the groaning sheepshank knot that is Fred Rogers and loaded him into an ambulance. Police later arrive at the Kangaroo set to find that Moose and Rabbit are gone, and Mr. Green Jeans is duct-taped to Grandfather Clock. This is all a mere moral victory for Rogers and his Postal buddies. By the time he has returned to work, the International Committee of Guys in White-trimmed Red Suits (Co-chaired by Santa Claus and Marvel Comics' Daredevil) has called for a boycott of "Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood". Forced to choose between Fred and going on the Lump-of-Coal Sanction List at the North Pole (as well as a possible butt-whupping' from everybody's favorite blind superhero), Americ a's children move out of the Neighborhood as fast as their pudgy little legs can carry them. The only participant in this sad saga who is ever heard from again is Mr. Moose, who pounds Chretien at the polls and becomes Prime Minister of Canada.
- Silverback- Air Force Crew Chiefs never mess with moose genes
Don't forget also that Communism is an expanding and crusading ideology. Though it may be Mr. Rogers' Neighbourhood now, how long before Comrade Kangaroo and his cronies annex it?
- Brett Ross
- Lewis Himelhoch
I thought PBS had already been taken over by the Communists. -B
- Major HUAH!
"I’ve been mastering ping pong ball throwing since before you were born, Jaggie!" the Captain proclaims. Then, with a fluid motion, he throws a second ping pong ball. As if by remote control, it goes in one of Jagr’s eyes and out the other. "Well, ‘neighbor,’ that’s two down and you to go!" he says to Rogers. He then picks up another ping pong ball and starts aiming.
"Not so fast, ya big tub of goo!" a voice yells from outside. The two combatants turn to the door and see a figure in full goalie gear. "’Tis I, Tom Barrasso, goalie for the Penguins, prepared to protect my pal from the peltings of this ping-pong-pitching punk!" Barrasso stands between Rogers and Captain Kangaroo, ready to do battle. Captain Kangaroo accepts the challenge and starts a-hurlin’ ping pong balls.
*foosh* *PING* Barrasso saves the shot with his stick.
*foosh* *PONG* The second throw ricochets off Barrasso’s stick.
"Give up?" the goalie asks.
"Never! I still have my special pitch." The Captain rears back and throws. The ball bounces off the floor and into Barrasso’s groin. The goalie falls to the floor, incapacitated.
"Now, there is no one to stop me, Sweater Boy!" Once again, the Captain prepares to toss the ping pong ball o’ death. As he winds up, Fred Rogers makes a plea for his life.
"Please! Take Picture-Picture! Take the traffic signal! Take the house! Just let me live!"
Suddenly, the two hear a ringing from outside. As the two turn, Mr. McFeely comes crashing through the window on his States Blue Pearl 1997 Harley Davidson Electra Glide Ultra Classic (equipped with bicycle bell and basket), landing on Captain Kangaroo. While officially saddened by the untimely death of Captain Kangaroo, PBS executives are pleased that this had happened during Pledge Week. Money pours in from viewers all over the world, prompting a change in the program’s format.
"On the next Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood: ‘My Wife Ran Off With her Gigolo’s Sister!’"
- Mark and Stephanie Wentz
- Andy K
- Shadow Darling
Sorry Captain, but you are dealing with a general ASS-WHUPPING(tm) here!
After years of directionless living and widespread marsupial-on- marsupial crime, the Kangaroo Court(tm) convenes and decides it is time to elect a leader who will put an end to the decline of the Kangaroo. A search committee is formed and based on a rousing speech on leaf eating, Bob Keeshan is elected and assumes the title Captain Kangaroo. Under his reign, kangaroos learn how to spar with people, use their pouch in ways once thought impossible, and develop a childrens' show that captures the imagination of youngsters everywhere. A revived Kangaroo population is indebted to their Captain forever and pledges their assistance on any matter.
Fast forward to Mr. Rogers house:
After being suprised by the ferocity of Mr. Rogers initial attack, the Captain summons his marsupial minions to the scene. The cold, caluculating kangaroos slice Mr. Rogers to pieces with the sharp edges of the shattered trolley.
The Captain wins with a little help from his friends.
- the paper
Anyway... Kangroo attemps to grab Rodgers, but Fred has already grabed the large pair of sissors on the table and shoves them into the captain's neck! Rodgers then procedes to grab Kangroo's head and shove into into the fish tank. The captain trashes for a bit, and the falls limp. Fred pulls Kangroo's dead body out of the tank, drops it to the floor, turns to the camara and asks "Do you think it's a good idea to f--- with Mr. Rodgers?" A piano cord gives out a negtive answer. Rodgers says "That's good, No w I'll show you how to dispose of a body..."
- 'Lord' Rev. Dr. Paul Soth
Fred Rogers has the distinct advantage of being in his home "arena" if you will. While the terrain of Mister Rogers domicile really doesn't favor either combatant, he does hold one key bit of knowledge that helps him take out the ogre that is 'Roo. It's gotta be the shoes!
While most think that Fred Rogers only has some walking shoes and a pair of loafers in that closet, Fred knows otherwise. The man has steel toed construction boots, cowboy boots with spurs, some wooden shoes he brought back from the Netherlands, and killer pair of red pumps that Lady Elane just happened to leave at the house (at least that is what ol' Mister Rogers wants us to believe).
Mister Rogers will evade the batter-dipped fish smelling Captain quite easily and make his way to the closet. Shoes are hurled by Fred towards Captain Kangaroo (whose name is ironic considering his lack of ability to jump over a piece of paper) and strike the porpose looking man in the left hip and right shoulder. Hobbled, the Captain is defenseless when Mister Rogers whips out the high heels and plants the heel in Captain Kangaroo's forehead ala Single White Female.
The inhabitants of The Land of Make Believe then help wrap the Captain in a mass of sweaters and give him a proper burial at sea. A sad day for all who love children's television, but a pretty good day for the producers of "The NEW Captain Kangaroo" who stand to save a bundle in royalties.
- The Great Gonzo
Consider what REAL anger looks like. One look into his eyes and Captain Kangaroo will be trying to decide whether he should make a run for it or just end it quickly and shoot himself. By then, just like a doomed deer staring into the headlights of the oncoming sports utility vehicle, it will be too late. Captain Kangaroo is road kill. O the humanity!
- Paul G.
Then I considered the x factor known as King Friday. Once he sees the unstoppable killing machine that is Captain Kangaroo tearing apart his man Rogers, the King will spring into action. If you've ever seen the movie "Puppetmaster III: Toulon's Revenge" you know that a trained soldier is no match for an angry puppet. King Friday and the other puppets overwhelm the Captain, Mr. Moose, and whatever other paltry forces that they can muster. However, Mr. Rogers succombs to his injuries a few days later and PBS begins running episodes of "Are You Being Served?" further warping today's youth.
Also, I would like to point out as a side note that the Red Factor™ will not come into play in this matchup, as Fred will not be able to see the color of Capt. Kangaroo's jacket- he's color blind. Therefore, he will not be able to realize that he must harness the Power of the Free World™ to stop Kangaroo. The marsupially-named one in 5 minutes, and that's because of him toying with Rogers for 4 1/2 minutes.
- Nick Zachariasen
At the beginning of Mr. Rogers, the camera pans across a little model town, finaly settling on a tiny replica meant to represent fred's house. thing is *this isn't a model* -- it's actually fred's house. the guy's an inch and a half tall and rides to work on an HO scale train. Not a lot of people know this about him.
ATTIRE MR. ROGERS: Smelly, unwashed sweaters, changed daily CAPTAIN K: Sweaty, polyester jacket, constantly Advantage: Captain K, the smell must be overwhelming, like a stale, packed disco on a Saturday Night Score: 0-1 HYGIENE MR. ROGERS: Changes shoes daily, on-air, always washes hands before handling food. CAPTAIN K: Hangs around with a moose Advantage: Rogers, for obvious reasons Score: 1-1 NAME FACTOR MR. ROGERS: Shares name with Roy Rogers, Rogers & Hammerstein, Buck Rogers, Roger Moore, and Roger Ebert CAPTAIN K: Captain Kirk, Captain Bligh, Captain America, Captain Morgan, the Kangaroo Kid. (There are many captains, but only one Kangaroo!) Advantage: Moot point, both have some loser namesakes. Score: 1-1 FOOT GEAR MR. ROGERS: Loafers, old tennis shoes which never show any wear, indicating a complete lack of physical activity CAPTAIN K: Kangaroos, the fun shoe with a pocket! Advantage: Need I say more? Score: 1-2 FACIAL HAIR MR. ROGERS: Clean shaven, like Caesar, Alexander, Lord Nelson, Napoleon, and Macho Man on old Nintendo's Punch Out CAPTAIN K: Mustache, like Der Fuhrer, Stalin, Genghis Khan, Custer, and Bald Bull on old Nintendo's Punch Out Advantage: Rogers, by the Tyson's Punch Out Factor (TM) Score: 2-2 HAIRSTYLE MR. ROGERS: 50s conservative comb-over. Provides comfort, stability. Impervious to wind. CAPTAIN K: 70s shag. Provides excuse for women to turn him down. Impervious to Ping-Pong balls. Advantage: Mr. Rogers, for inherent Brokaw Factor.(TM) Score: 3-2 UNDEAD FACTOR MR. ROGERS: Never ages, probably vampire, like Al Gore, Kasey Kasem, Tom Cruise, Bob Barker, Robert Redford, and Dick Clark. CAPTAIN K: Ages right before your eyes, probably mummy, like Boris Yeltsin, Ronald Reagan, Janet Reno, and Donovan from Indiana Jones: The Last Crusade. Advantage: Mr. Rogers. Vampires always control mummies in movies. Score: 4-2There you have it folks, you just can't argue with the numbers.
- Der Kaiser Pablo
I would say Mr. Rogers in ten minutes, but after all the crap he's had to deal with these days, he's spoiling for vengence, too bad Captain Kangaroo showed up and messed with the big R's turf.
Kangaroo: Neighbor THIS, you little asshole! (head-butts Rogers)
Rogers: Get out of my house, you fat fuck! (puts Kangaroo in a patented "Pugsley Hold"[tm], Kangaroo screams like a girl)
Kangaroo: Pedophile! (goes for Rogers' floating rib)
Rogers: Fat-ass! (kicks Kangaroo in the nuts--Kangaroo slumps to the floor as Rogers prepares to administer the coup-de-grace by stuffing a loafer down his windpipe--Kangaroo begins turning blue)
Just as things look worst for the Captain, in bursts Green Jeans, holding the severed head of Mr. McFeely. Tossing the head aside, Green Jeans comes to the rescue of the weight-challenged Captain by pinning Rogers to the closet door with a pitchfork. Kangaroo and Green Jeans further indulge their battlerage by smashing Picture-Picture and setting fire to the house on the way out the front door. When last seen they had left a crime-spree trail of liquor store robbery and murder across three states in a search for Barney the Dinosaur.
On the other hand, I believe the characters in the Land of Make Believe are truly insane and will inflict terrible vengeance upon him. Mister Rogers barely kept them in check by being the most passive person alive and placating their violent, fragmented psyches by being so nice all the time. Once they are provoked they will be stunningly dangerous. Should anyone repair that trolley and restore their link to Earth, they will see to it that Captain K. is punished for murdering their companion. The last words he hears will be "Meow meow die muthafucka meow meow."
If you liked this match, check out these other past
Pee-Wee Herman v. Gilligan
Barney v. Wesley
Orville Redenbacher v. Colonel Sanders
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