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Ok, I'm better now. After thinking about this in a clear, objective, Steve-style manner, I think I have to go with Wesley. The reason? Stubby Arms. Barney just can't manuver that chainsaw very well with his dinky, stubby meathooks. He may even chop himself up trying to start it. Meanwhile, Wesley will somehow manage to get his started (maybe Worf will help him pull the cord), and will eventually drag it over to Barney and slice off his kneecaps. Barney's usually cheery face will change into a one of fear, confusion, and pain. Barney will bleed to death as millions of onlookers worldwide gaze in amazement. Prediction: #1 watched sporting event of all time.
BRIAN: I'm amazed, Steve, you usually go for the big man! Of course, I usually pull for the little guy, but in this case I gotta go with Barney. True, his arms aren't the longest in the world, but they're longer than T. Rex's, that's for sure. Besides, there's no way Wesley could even lift that heavy chainsaw with enough force to do much damage. The way I see it, Wesley is cowering in the corner, asking Scotty how to get it started (Scotty, of course, replies "Give 'er all she'z got, Ens'n"). Barney sashays over and raises his mighty weapon and lops off Wesley's head a la Highlander-style taking a good portion of the corner post, ropes and Scotty's gut with it. Wesley, however, falls toward Barney in a horrible death lunge, Worf's hand still on the cord. The cord tightens, the chainsaw groans, and titanium meets purple flesh. Barney is still listed in critical condition. Prediction: #2 watched sporting event of all time behind Extreme Games (tm) street luge finals.
Side note: Again, this must be decided by crowd response as Luke Perry is horribly mangled. When he locks the cage, he forgets to get out of it first. Barney's back swing catches him in the mouth and knocks him out of the Garden. Luke Perry is seen flying over Manhattan yelling "My face! My face! My valuable face!" before landing softly in a pillow factory which is subsequently demolished.
STEVE: Brian, there is another factor here which you're overlooking. You see, there's Barney's ...ahem... weight problem. Two or three steps and he's huffin' and puffin'. He's just one twinkie short of a heart attack. The mere excitment of the match will probably send him defibrillating.
Although Wesley will be victorious, he is still in trouble. After Barney's fall, millions of dancing, screaming, obnoxious kids will storm the cage. Worf and Geordi, who are outside the cage, and thus unprotected from the onslaught, realize their only hope is to eliminate the focus of the kids' rage. Worf reaches through the bars, grabs the chainsaw, and slices up Wesley himself. And he saw that it was good.
Note: The 3-way voting program had many problems over this past week. Unfortunately, some votes were lost, and some of you might have seen strange behavior on the apres-voting page. However, public opinion was quite clear, so the results will stand as they are.
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- Michael Haller
DAS, Philadelphia, PA
At this Barney cuts loose from years of sugar poisoning and insulin injections, and with a stentorian roar calls back on the memories of his 65-million-year-dead ancestors and hacks Wesley (who was so stupid he just stood there after burying his chainsaw in Barney) into a heap of blood-spurting gore. But just as Barney rears back to apply the coup de grace, the last remnant of Wesley that had any talent, his hands, tip Wesley's chainsaw up, finishing the job of cutting Barney in half.
There is a happy ending, though. The nanites, although disgusted that anything so goofy-looking could have invented them, decide that the remains of the combatants are a perfect home/food for their kind. They declare their independance as sentient life-forms and take over the ring.
Picard and Co., in their slavish devotion to the life-form-of-the-week and the Prime Directive (or at least how they're interpreting it THIS week) recognize the claim and fend off all attempts to destroy the colony, especially those from the Will-Kill Pest Patrol ("If it flies, it dies. If if crawls, it falls.") At last, the REAL Jim Kirk pops out of a passing Nexus strand, commandeers the Enterprise-D, and wastes everyone who isn't part of his original crew or Vulcan. See, wasn't that happy?
Luke Perry judges Barney the winner and then chainsaws him for the good of mankind.
But then who chainsaws Luke Perry for the good of mankind? -Ed.
- Kirk F.
- NITEC student 20
Or it would be a steady pulse, except (with a sudden and terrifying insight) each realizes that their chainsaw has not been started for them. Barney, with the hardwired smile on his face contorted in a rictus of fear and hatred reaches across, only to discover that he can't hold onto the saw with one hand and reach the ripcord with the other. "Hello, Kids!" he chortles, translated as "Shit! my arms are too short!" but censored by the PBS police. Wesley, however, has similar problems, as he cannot muster the muscle necessary to get the thing started.
At this point, the crowd, realizing that the best they are going to see is a little bit of blood and maybe a broken bone or two as the pair swat each other with inert chainsaws, decides to take a hand in things. As one, they rise up out of the stands, tear down the chain-link barrier, and descend on the two hapless contestants, disembowelling them in an orgy of blood and purple felt. The last thing heard is the purple dinosaur screaming "Can't we all be friends?", meaning "Shit! I have no friends over the age of 5! I need a kevlar dinosaur costume!"
Then, as suddenly as it began, all is silent. The spectators look at each other, blinking owlishly under the lights, observing what they have become. "Damn fine job," one of them finally says, spitting out one of Barney's arms. All of them not in agreement.
After a healthy round of congratulations, they return to their lives and continue to be productive members of society, now free of the depredations of Wes and the Purple Dinosaur.
- David B.
NOTE: A similar scenario was given by Daniel U. who gave the all important addition of: "The ideal result would be for Luke Perry to die as well, but we can't have everything." Good point, Daniel!
- Ed Lee
Winners: The Human Race Losers: Barney and Wesley
- Mel S.
The Outcome - Both are mangled and killed. The Reason - What happens when you combine the following factors? 1) Barney the Dinosaur 2) Wesley Crusher 3) A large cage from which escape is impossible. 4) A very large audience with a huge supply of firearms, knives, chainsaws, explosives and more raw hate than you can poke a stick at. The situation onfolds like this.... 1) Barney enters the stadium, the crowd boos. 2) Wesley enters the stadium, the crowd boos. 3) Both enter the cage, and the crowd gets ready. 4) Puke err LUKE Perry locks the cage. Pity about him still being in it. 5) The bell rings and, as one, about 750 grenades arc into the ring from the audience. It's gonna get messy. 6) With the many explosions, the gunfire begins. 7) In the ensuing firestorm, Barney, Wesley and Luke all end up being shredded by shrapnel, buggered up by bullets, fried by flame and to cap it off, Luke has a *really* bad hair day. 8) Many of the people with front row seats are also killed in the encounter, but what the heck. You can't make an omelet without breaking some eggs.
- Douglas Jackson
- Jason S.
In the meantime, Barney's flying chainsaw which had become lodged in the metal framework of the fighting cage worked itself loose, falling on the helpless reptile. Barney began to sing as his pulse slowed, "I love death, death loves me. Would somebody please bury me?" Even in death the brave little dinosaur found time to teach America's toddlers.
As I contemplated the growing pools of spittle and blood, I hoped that the WWWF clean-up crew took proper precautionary steps to avoid more needless deaths by wearing protective gear and avoiding the danger of HIV-infection.
- Leah S.
He ignores his chainsaw and starts wailing. Meanwhile Wesley has popped open the hood on his ripper and reconstructed it to unleash leathal rays of plasma in the direction of a certain purple blob.
Wesley fires up his weapon and lets loose his blast, but unfortunately, since Barney is dancing this way and that, it misses and fries Luke Perry's hair off completely. In a fit of rage, HE picks up Barney's saw and runs amok in a savage frenzy, hacking apart Barney in 2 seconds flat. Data has by this time bent the bars to the cage open and Mr. Worf knocks Luke Perry's head clean off. Wesley and friends beam out with only a reprimand from Picard chastising him for yet another stupid academy blunder.
Wesley: obscene and implausible powers over space, time, warp fields, particles-of-the-week, etc.
Barney: obscene and implausible songs which cause saccarine poinsoning to all within earshot.
So, Wesley tries to create a warp bubble around Barney using a phase-induced duodecion subspace anti-time wave, but that damn "I love you, you love me" song throws off his concentration. Both explode in a gratifying but horribly expensive warp accident -- dorky uniforms melt, purple felt explodes, everybody's dead.
- Frank M.
Once Barney and Wesley are locked into the cage, the crowd will start to chant "Blood! Blood! Blood! Blood! Blood!" Since violence is a foreign concept to Barney, he won't know what to do with the chainsaw other than to start telling some stupid story about happy lumberjacks working in happy forests. Wesley, on the other hand will decide that the weapon is completely useless and he will start to reorganize its structural subatoms. In his most contrived plan yet, he redesigns the chainsaw so it becomes a laser emitting phaser that must be bounced off twelve different satellites in geosychronous orbit above the earth before returning to earth using the back entrance of Madison Square Garden, bouncing off the scoreboard and touching nothing but net, before eventually frying Barney.
Wesley gets the chainsaw properly configured to carry out his plan but Wesley the Weasel is too weak to pull the starting cord. Barney notices Wesley's dilemma and offers to help. As soon as Barney starts to help Wesley, Luke Perry gets in close to make sure that nothing illegal is being done. Barney lectures Luke on the goodness found in helping others, so all three start to pull at the cord. After several hours of trying, Gene Roddenberry's ghost enters the ring, starts the device and Wesley, Barney and Perry are all reduced to dust. Children under 3 years of age declare a state of mourning the world over. Star Trek fans celebrate the elimination of Wesley and the kids from 90210 go shopping. Aren't happy endings wonderful?
- Nancy P.
- Susan L.
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