For those clamoring for more...
Kevin McCallister vs. The Living Dead Responses, Part Deux
To figure out who's going to win this, we need to know the combatants:
Macaulay Culkin - A review of Yahoo! TM revealed this 10/22/00 article:
"Macaulay Culkin earned three curtain calls on his return to acting on
Wednesday night, starring in the play "Madame Melville" on the West End
stage in London. Culkin performed to a packed house, which included many
celebrities. Most felt Culkin was back on the road to success. One person
said: "He could really do it. I enjoyed it. But he hasn't changed as much
as I thought he would considering as he's gone through puberty." A theatre
critic said, "This is one of those rare evenings when you become suddenly
aware of being in the presence of something rare and special," he said." OK
forget the "rare and special" crap. This proves the one thing I wanted to
know more than anything else, Culkin is still alive. Of course, if he were
dead, he'd be a zombie and there would be no Grudge Match since he's one of
them, but that's a moot point now. Also, he seems to be handling his "lack
of fame" TM much better than the cast of "Different Strokes."
Zombies - A review of Yahoo! TM revealed this fact. We are not dealing with
hundreds of zombies. There are only seven. "Rod Argent (b. 14 June 1945),
Colin Blunstone (b. 24 June 1945), Paul Atkinson (b. 19 March 1946), Paul
Arnold (bass) and Hugh Grundy (b. 6 March 1945) formed the Zombies in 1963,
although Chris White (b. 7 March 1943) replaced Arnold within weeks of
their inception. This St. Albans-based quintet won the local Herts Beat
competition, the prize for which was a recording deal with Decca Records.
The Zombies' debut single, 'She's Not There', rose to number 12 in the UK,
but proved more popular still in America, where it reached number 2. 'Tell
Her No' was another US Top 10 entrant. Eventually, bassist Jim Rodford (b.
7 July 1941) and Rick Birkett (guitar) also joined. The group broke up in
1967 on completion of the album, Odessey & Oracle. It's closing track,
'Time Of The Season', became a massive US hit, but despite several
overtures, the original line-up steadfastly refused to reunite."
Now it would seem the advantage goes to Culkin since he (as Kevin
McAllister) still has the mind that invented all those traps plus is an
adult now. Albeit, he's still built like a skinny twerp, he should still be
able to take on seven over-the-hill, ex-mop top, rejects from an Austin
Powers movie. Plus how can a band that cannot even reunite take on Culkin?
Think about it. They "steadfastly refuse" to do a reunion tour. As proven
by bands like The Who and KISS (who are on their 7th Annual Farewell Tour),
a reunion is extremely easy even if you hate the other band members' guts.
Normally, this would prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that Culkin would
win. However, since I hate Culkin and those damn stupid movies, the Zombies
need reinforcements. Unfortunately, the only other musician who looks like
a member of the living dead is Keith Richards. Once again, great musician
but not much good in a fight.
Then further Yahoo (once again, TM) research revealed this solution: "The
longtime frontman for schlock-metal superstars White Zombie, Rob Zombie was
born Robert Cummings on January 12, 1966. He subsequently worked as a bike
messenger, porn magazine art director and production assistant for the
classic children's TV series Pee-wee's Playhouse, concurrently leading
White Zombie through a series of cult-favorite indie releases; the success
of their 1992 major label debut La Sexorcisto: Devil Music Vol. 1 launched
Zombie to new prominence within the music industry. In mid-1998 Zombie made
his solo debut with the album Hellbilly Deluxe; when it sold more copies in
its first week of release than any White Zombie record before it, he
disbanded the group to forge ahead as a full-time solo act, issuing
American Made Music to Strip By in the fall of 1999." The best part about
this bio is I didn't make anything up. He actually was a porn magazine
editor and worked on Pee-Wee's Playhouse. If Rob can get around Pee-Wee's
Playhouse, then none of the traps Culkin sets in his house can stop Rob
Zombie. Plus check out those album titles! This guy has The Rage TM in
spades (no TM).
However, if the Zombies get reinforcements, then Culkin should get some
too. Obviously, he gets Michael Jackson due to the music references in this
response but he gets someone else. He will be joined by Alex D. Linz. Now,
you might be asking, "Who the hell is Alex D. Linz?" He is the actor who
starred in Home Alone 3. His character was named Alex Pruitt. Therefore, we
avoid the confusion of two actors playing Kevin McAllister. The Actual
Combat - The seven members of the Zombies gather on the front lawn while
the annoying Culkin and Linz peep through the upstairs window and snicker
about the queer little traps they set up in the house. Instead of charging
into the house, the Zombies start to argue about unpaid album royalties,
over-the-hill groupies who don't remember them, and whether it's better to
drink Geritol or Ensure. They do this until Keith Richards shows up with a
Trash Bag Full of Drugs (TM held by Keith Richards) and they all get
stoned. Rob Zombie pulls up in his Hell Hearse from the Dragula video (if
you haven't seen the video, it's hysterical). Seeing that everyone else is
lying around on the lawn essentially worthless, he guns the Hell Hearse
through the front wall of the house, basically taking out the entire ground
floor and collapsing most of the second floor as well. The house is barely
standing at this point and could collapse any second. Rob Zombie gets out
of the Hell Hearse, now in what's left of the dining room. Suddenly, a
bucket of red paint spills all over him. Sarcastically, Zombie says,
"Ooowww! Red Paint! Whatever shall I do? I used more red paint as blood in
my last video, mothaf&%kers!" Zombie goes up the main staircase while
Culkin and Linz plan their attack.
Culkin tells Linz to stand at the top of
the stairs to lure Zombie up the steps. However when Linz does that, Culkin
pulls the rug lying on the hard wood floor out from under Linz's feet. The
kid goes tumbling down the steps ala Joe Pesce. Culkin screams, "Take that!
It's my film series! It should've always been mine! So what if I was
shaving when Home Alone 3 was made!!!!" Clearly, Culkin has more Rage TM
over losing the Home Alone series than over his current life and death
situation. Rob Zombie, who stands about 6'4", catches the little creep as
he rolls towards him. "F%&k off, loser! It's the real star of this crap
series I wanna kill!!!" He hurls the kid down the steps where he bounces
out the hole where the front door use to be. Culkin dances with glee at the
top of the stairs then hears a rush of air behind him. He turns and catches
a full can of paint right in the face and flies down the steps in a Daniel
Sternesque way. Linz planned to betray Culkin as well. Also, Culkin is an
adult now and no longer safe the way kids are in John Hughes' films. Zombie
turns around after throwing Linz and sees Culkin flying towards him. "Ah,
sh#$!" Zombie says, ducking at the same time. However, at 6'4", he can't
duck in time and Culkin smashes into him sending them both down the steps.
"Now I've got ya, ya little f%$ker!", Zombie screams as he starts beating
the hell out of Culkin at the bottom of the stairs.
"STOP!" screams a
highly effeminate voice. "I've come to rescue you, Macaulay!" It is, of
course, His Weirdness, Michael Jackson. Unfortunately, the chimpanzee
raping musician is as useless in a brawl as the stoned British Invasion
band on the front lawn. Unable to fight, he merely dances and grabs his
crotch. Culkin and Zombie both stare in amazement. Culkin says, "You know,
he's even more Caucasian now then when I last saw him." Zombie says, "Even
by my standards, that's one sick puppy." Zombie realizes he has only one
weapon to use against the Weird One, namely Culkin. He grabs the twerp by
the ankles and smashes Jackson square in the face. Jackson face cracks open
in a Phantom of the Opera mask removing type scene, revealing the hideous
features of George W. Bush under all the cosmetic surgery. "Damn you all!
You know my secret now!" screams the Republican Nominee as he picks up
Culkin and runs away into the night. Linz wakes up on the front lawn just
in time to see George W. Bush (dressed as Michael Jackson carrying Culkin
over his shoulder) come running out of the house. The bizarre Bush /
Jackson creature stops when he see Linz and says, "Ooh, another little boy
to be, uh, friends with." Suddenly, the Hell Hearse comes roaring out of
the house. Culkin and Bush scream as they're run over at 80 miles an hour.
Linz rolls to the side just in time.
As he gets up and runs, he trips over Keith Richards. "About bloody time."
Richards says. If you believe the rumors (and in the world of Grudge Match,
all rumors are true), it's time for Richards to get his full blood
transfusion from a young Swedish boy to clean all the drugs out of his
body. Richards sucks all the blood out of Linz and proves that he's a great
musician who turned out to be pretty good in a fight after all. Summary:
The Zombies win but are too wasted to realize it. Keith Richards is
rejuvenated with fresh blood and takes the Stones on their 18th Annual "See
Them Before They Die" Tour. Rob Zombie receives the Congressional Medal of
Honor from President Gore for ridding the world of cocaine user Bush and
pedophile Jackson. Unfortunately, First Lady Tipper picks up where she left
off in the 1980s and bans offensive albums, namely Rob Zombie's. Out of
work, Rob Zombie reluctantly becomes the new Spice Girl, replacing Ginger
- The Admiral - No, I don't own a copy of American Made Music to Strip By
Hot Damn! Finally, the Demonicuss has come back to the Grudge! Did'ja miss
Now on to the match. First off, John, you're a moron. Look at your rants
about how much Macaulay Culkin sucks and will be zombie bait. Hey
'genious', take a look at who's fighting! Kevin McCallister, not Macaulay
Culkin. All Anti-Mac hatred is moot, 'cuz Mac is not fighting. Rather, it
is perhaps the only good character he played, Kevin McCallister. Who here
laughed their head off the first time they saw Home Alone?
Now, the zombies. Zombies fall into a grey area, because there have been so
many different incarnations of the Basic Movie Zombie. Here is a list..
Voodoo Zombie: The first movie zombie portrayed, a Voodoo Zombie is a
reanimated corpse created mainly for cheap labor. Sure, if the master
commanded a V.Z. to kill, it would. It wouldn't eat the victim, but it sure
would kill it.
However, Kevin won't be dealing with V.Z's, since the setup have the
zombies craving brains. So, now we go the the heart of the matter..
Romero-Lawed Zombies: Yep, George's little Opus created the popular concept
of the zombie. R-L'd Z's follow these laws as dictated in the Living Dead
films (hense Romero's Laws):
1. A zombie has a top speed of two-four miles an hour. They can be
2. A zombie is non-intelligent, only possessing basic motor functions, such
as walking and eating.
3. A zombie will feed in human flesh, and any living thing in general.
4. A zombie can be killed by destroying the brain.
If Kevin was up against a horde of Romero-Lawed Zombies, he could keep them
at bay within his trap-infested house. Then, if they overran it, he could
simply use a escape trick (a'la the rope run in HA1) to get to open ground
and run off to safety.
Now that I think about it, I don't think Kevin's dealing with Romero-Lawed
zombies here. Think about it, all these hungry zombies, in the middle of
Chicago, all attacking ONE HOUSE! Nope, these zombies would scatter over a
wide an area as possible to find prey. I'm afraid that Kevin is dealing
with the third category of zombie...
Non-Romero-Lawed Zombies: These zombies don't follow any or all of Romero's
Laws. A movie featuring NRL'd Z's is Return of the Living Dead. Those
zombies were able to run, possessed brain function (remember, "Send more
paramedics!"), were immune to the brain destroyed trick, and only craved
brains. However, the setup had these nightwalkers as being able to be slain
by the bullet to the brain. It is zombies of this category that Kevin faces
However, Kevin will survive the night. How? Remember that John Hughes
Factor™ is in effect. And in the Home Alone films, one of the main rules is
that of the Ouside Stranger Savior. Whenever Kevin is in serious danger
(i.e. caught by the Wet Bandits), the strange person will appear, save
Kevin, and put some serious pain on the baddies (Snow-Shovel Man in 1, Bird
Woman in 2). So, logic dictates that if Kevin gets cornered by
Brain-Craving Zombies™, somebody will pop up and simultaneously protect
Kevin and kill the zombies. Who will the Stranger be? Gee, a shitload of
Zombies out running amok, who'd you think would be the premier zombie
slayer would be?
The Piano Teacher
Yep, the weird piano teacher with the metal hand that Kevin meets in the
middle of the film. Who, upon seeing that nasty zombies are going apeshit
and are ready to munch on a kid he befriended, decides to take action. So,
as he removes the Metal Hand and straps on the Sacred Chainsaw™, we cut to
the zombie horde as they shamble ever closer to a cornered Kevin. Just as
the lead zombie is about to take a bite outta Kev's head, a loud BLAST!
fills the air and the ghoul's head becomes bloody vapor.
As the zombies turn to look at the speaker, Kevin is surprised to see the
Weird Piano Teacher, sawed-off shotgun in hand, a Chainsaw attached to his
other, buzzing loudly. The zombies become afraid. They know this one! Tho
one man who had waded through the blood of their falled Zombie bretheren,
the One Man who had stared Hell in the face and spat back. This
battle-scarred warrior, known by one simple name.
"Come get some!"
And the zombies, forgetting the boy, rush at Ash as he readies the Sacred
Chainsaw™. Although the dread John Hughes Factor™ is in effect, so too is
the Law of Zombie Film Gore™. In every zombie film, there must be metric
tons of blood and gore. Which Ash delivers in a massive slaughterthon as
heads are lopped off, bodies are blasted to oblivion, and gore is
"Let's get the Hell outta here, kid."
And that is how Kevin McCallister can survive the onslaught of mad Zombies.
Blood is shed, evil is vanquished, and a lesson is learned by all.
- Demonicuss -- Horror Film Afficianado
Ouch, that hurts, being called a "moron" by such a "genious"! -John
OK, the real question here is NOT whether Kevin can best the living dead.
Uh-uh. Cute, nerdy, smart kid, on home turf, against any number of stupid
bad guys, the math always comes out in his favor. The REAL question here
is: Can Kevin escape the millions upon millions of people who hate his
cheek-slapping guts enough to rip him apart, chew him up, spit him out,
jump up and down on him, then take him to take an active part in a Marilyn
Manson concert?!? The way I see it, the match will go like this:
zombies all fall for the various pit traps, nails poking out of walls,
grease on the floor and flying irons. Kevin is having a great time, as
usual, and is setting them on fire so they don't come back after being
hacked to peices by his new, improved Salad Shooter/Zombie Remover. He goes
to the edge of the stairs and prepares to roll about 100,000 marbles down
them, when suddenly, he hears a slightly disturbing sound. He strains for a
few seconds, listening to the rhythmic pounding, then shrugs and dumps the
marbles under the zombie's feet. Suddenly, a jetpack flares, and Boba Fett,
the coolest creature in 3 galaxies, shoots up over the railing and lands
with grace, pointing a blaster at the kid star's head. "You've caused the
galaxy enough grief that I should be able to get a handsome price for your
head." "Oh yeah? Suck on THAT!" Kevin whips out a heavily modified dart
gun, aims, and fires before Boba Fett can chuckle amusedly. The dart hits
him in the helmet, square between the eyes, and catapults him through the
hallway and out the window, into a tree, where he hits his head on a wall
of Kevin's treehouse covered by a "Star Wars: Episode II" poster. Kevin
snickers, and blows on the tip of his dart gun.
Once again, a distant noise
is heard. Kevin is curious, but is suddenly distracted by a form rounding
the corner. Heavy, mechanical breathing drowns out the rhythmic beating,
and a lightsaber hisses from its sheath. "You have grown strong in the dark
powers, young one. But you are not a Sith Lord yet." Vader takes a stance
with his saber, and Kevin is impressed, but not impressed enough not to
take a string of christmas lights and plug one end into Vader's breathing
unit and the other end into the wall. Sparks fly, and Vader's athsma get
the better of him, making him collapse onto the new rug in the hallway and
As his lightsaber quietly turns itself off, the pounding starts once
again, only louder. A silent laser beam moves over the wall next to Kevin,
but his dumb luck prevails, and he bends over to tie his shoe before the
bullet flies. He looks up, startled to see Ah-nold running at him, holding
a sawed-off shotgun in one hand and a barbarian sword in the other, his
cybernetic eye gleaming with a meanacing light. "My Guhl was such a stoopid
movie, evun by my standards! You shall die da death of a cowad!" The
musclebound madman drives Kevin back with a combination of medival weaponry
and shotgun slugs, until he's in the doorway. Suddenly, Kevin pulls a
string on the doorway, which drops a sledgehammer onto Ah-nold's head,
sending him to la-la-land.
Kevin, no longer fearing the zombies, goes to
the window to survey the situation. The undead are all waiting under the
window, drooling profusely and clawing at the wall. The little bastard
speaks up, and says, "You all ARE really stupid, aren't you?!? Don't you
know you can't win?!? Why don't you save yourselves the trouble and go
home?!?" Kevin laughs the most irritating laugh any living (or undead)
being could utter, when all of a sudden... Kevin is hit from behind and
falls out the window! The zombies, joined by the English Soccer Hooligans
(easily mistaken for one another) bear their prize off to who knows what
grizly torment. Two lone soles remain at the windowsill. One's 500 lbs.
gold chains glint in the moonlight, the other's pink fur shines with an
eerie light. Mr. T and The Energizer Bunny look at each other and nod
knowingly, both understanding that they have done what needed to be done.
- The Mad Josher
Return to Kevin McCallister vs. The Living Dead
Real Life |
Fun Stuff |