"Let's hurry! We're going to miss our flight!" barks Kate McCallister as she corrals her brood of children towards the departure gate at O'Hare International Airport. "I swear, last year's Paris vacation was so awful that if we don't make this flight and have a decent winter vacation, I'm going to have an embolism!"
The gate attendant smiles as she holds out her hands to take the rushing family's tickets. "You're just in time. Have a nice flight..."
The McCallister clan settles down in their seats as the plane taxis towards the runway. Peter McCallister leans over and pats his wife on the arm. "Relax, honey. This time tomorrow, we'll be in Saskatoon, and you'll be sunning yourself by the outdoor pool and taking it easy."
As the plane takes off into the dusk, the captain's voice comes over the intercom. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you look to your left, you'll see a quite unusual phenomenon - I believe that's a comet flying directly over our fair city of Chicago." As he clicks off the internal radio, he remarks to his first officer, "That's odd. I don't recall reading anything about that in the flight forecast..."
As Kate McCallister closes her eyes, she tries to remember if she forgot anything. No... the barrels of holy water are arranged properly in the basement, as is the family's stockade of nailguns. What could she have forgotten... Her eyes bolt open.
"Braaainnss! Braaainnss!" croak hundreds of the undead, unleashed from their eternal slumber by the eldritch magic of the passing comet. They have until daybreak to complete their single mission - to consume as much human brain as possible.
Seeing this, Kevin slams the front door shut. "So, they want in this house, eh?" he says as he works fresh shells into the shotgun. He fires through the living room window, shearing off one of the zombies heads. "You guys give up yet? Or are you thirsty for more?" he yells through the hole in the window.
As if in response, hundreds of the living dead turn and shamble towards the house...
So, John, can the canny Culkin-child cloister and clout the corpses or, contrarily, could the corpses be consuming cranial cuisine?
JOHN: Not surprisingly, the key factor in this matchup, as in many others, will be Michael Jackson. Lord of the Undead and "personal friend" of Macaulay Culkin, he haunts us still. Ordinarily, the undead would be formidable foes, but tonight they're out to impress their boss, who wants more than anything to have his nine-year old "companion" himself zombified and eternally "riding the ponies" and "petting the monkeys" at the Neverland Ranch. Decide for yourself whether those are metaphors or not.
In addition to being more numerous and entertaining than Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern, the living dead will be significantly less vulnerable to McCallister's traps and devices. Lose a limb to a flying paint can - no big deal! Step on tacks and get tarred and feathered - hey, they're dead, I think they can handle a little humiliation.
I realize that the living dead lost a close match in their film appearance, but that was a long time ago. Today's living dead are more sophisticated and "with it, man" - appearing in a Dixie Chicks video, guest starring on the Simpsons, wielding positions of power and influence within the Canadian parliamentary opposition - today's undead have their diseased, bloodless, infected heads screwed on straight. Or at least stitched on tightly with string or rope. Their media savvy. Their "street cred". Their dark, brooding good looks. Face it, after a hard day at work, who amongst us doesn't envy and admire the living dead? McCallister won't be much of a match for the Zombie Nation.
Brain. It's what's for dinner.
BRIAN: Brain may be for dinner, but Michael Jackson is the Other White Meat -- he's totally irrelevant. Your comments make it clear that you are just yet another philistine that has seen Thriller but yet never truly understood it. There were no actual zombies in that video -- the entire thing was a dream sequence, as dreamed by Jackson's (snicker) girlfriend. Thus, she's the one with the zombie fantasy. So if anyone is interested in having some quasi-necrophilic fun with Kevin, it'll be her. Since Michael's just a werewolf, that's one perversion he's not into, and he might even come to Macauley's rescue.
Kevin will be much more effective against these zombies than you realize. Land some flying paint cans and irons square into some fragile rotting torsos, and you'll have a Whitman's Sampler of limbs lying around the living room. Sort of like if God left his Tinker Toys out. Plus, Kevin's extreme cuteness will allow him to endear himself to the zombies and become their ally. Remember Old Man Marley, the axe murderer that lived down the street? He was obviously a zombie, yet Kevin befriended him. Clearly, Kevin has become an expert Zombie Puppet Master.
Finally, let us not forget Kevin's multimedia attack capabilities. This time, however, instead of playing Angels With Dirty Faces, Kevin pops in a tape of the latest presidential debate. As the zombies peer into the windows, they realize why they have been awakened: to ensure the election of their undead leader, Al Gore. So off they stumble, to register as Democrats. This wouldn't be the first time dead people have voted in Chicago. They'll probably only need about 100 to rig the election, so any zombies that remain can be neutralized with some Grateful Dead tunes. Jerry Garcia and his undead roadies can hang out on the lawn, smoke some weed, and talk about "what a long strange trip it's been" until the breaking sunlight drives them back to their graves.
JOHN: Oh, so now you're an expert in interpreting Michael Jackson videos. I guess Brian got his degree in "Jacksonology" ... orrrr did you? Well, according to Steve, you never finished your courseload *, opting instead to take the easy way out and get a PhD in Chemical engineering. Oh the shame. Your protests to the contrary, I think it's clear that any scene in which Michael Jackson has a girlfriend is clearly the fantasy scene, logically making the Michael-as-undead scenes the reality-based ones. Wheels within wheels, man.
It's also evident that Kevin won't be able to fully concentrate on the zombie threat. He's nine years old, and in the Culkin clan, that's close to marryin' age. He's probably too caught up thinking about the wedding reception and whether the age of consent is lower in neighboring Wisconsin to fully direct his attention at the marauding undead. And they'll be marauding all right, not "grateful". Who can blame them - they've been on a brain-free diet since they were buried. They're really freaking hungry for some brain. (You could say they have brain on the brain). Hell, even the drugged-up so-called grateful dead will probably be craving for some brain-related munchies later on that night.
Plus, let's face it, in Chicago, it's hard to tell the difference between the living dead and regular passers-by. One wrong shot, and Kevin won't be going to Neverland, he'll be going to Oz, a much worse fate. I imagine he'll be extra gun-shy.
Finally, Brian, where do you get off libeling the undead as being Al Gore enthusiasts? They're undead, not dumb.
* According to Steve, Brian's unfinished thesis project was entitled "Liberation and Protest: An advanced critique of the Victory Album through the Tito dialectic."
BRIAN: There are 3 basic rules in life that should never be violated: 1.) Never bet on the white guy; 2.) Never travel to a country that's name ends in "-stan"; 3.) Never believe anything Steve says, particularly when facts are involved. Having violated #3, and the fact that you're Canadian, I'm afraid your credibility is shot.
Now, if the zombies' mission is to "consume as much human brain as possible" by daybreak, why are they going after Macauley Culkin? They'll peer into the house, see a single kid that was stupid enough to think he had talent, and realize that their time would be better spent attacking an egghead-filled freshman dormitory. Now, if these were flesh-eating zombies, we might have a different story. True, Kevin doesn't have a lot of meat on him, but much like veal, a young boy's flesh will be very tender and juicy, and probably considered by many to be a delicacy, which once again brings us back to [WARNING: Michael Jackson pedophile joke limit exceeded -- censoring software activated] passed out in the hot tub.
Finally, being in the Home Alone universe gives us the dreaded John Hughes Factor. What's the worst thing that's ever happened in a John Hughes' movie? Molly Ringwald had to wait until after her sister's wedding before the jock in the Porsche drove up to sweep her off her feet. Boo freakin' hoo. Happy endings are so firmly entrenched in this universe that not even George Romero will be able to scratch the surface. So not only will the Good Son emerge victorious, but the zombies will learn a valuable lesson. Instead of eating brains, they spend the rest of the night enjoying their temporary rebirth and soaking up all the thrills that Chicago has to offer. As dawn breaks, one zombie lies down in his casket, with his hands behind his head. "Death moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it."
Having watched many zombie movies, I've noticed that the undead never look as though they've gone through a natural process of decomposition. Rather, their broken, battered, puss-oozing forms suggest they all died in horribly disfiguring accidents - most likely the sort that would get them mention in the Darwin Awards(tm). Also, zombies aren't very ethnically diverse. The only black zombies are the ones in a state of advanced putrefication. This can lead to only one logical conclusion, the undead are obviously poor white trash and the reason they are so hungry for brains is because they don't have any of their own. Luckily, the undead are only around until daybreak, sparing the American viewing public weeks of such Sally Jesse episodes as "My Husband's Too Dumb To Realize He's Dead," and "My Daughter Is Having An Affair With Her Dead Step-Father." Of course, once he's done routing these shambling rednecks, the "My Parents Keep Abandoning Me," episode can't be far behind . . .
- Don "King" Milliken
There is a magnificent trio of movies in video stores: Jacob's Ladder, the Good Son, and My Girl. They are magnificent because Macauley Culkin dies in them. Whether falling off a cliff, getting stung to death by bees, or whatever the off screen fatality that got him in Jacob's Ladder, Macauley's expirations were always the highlight of the films.
Was Richie Rich a good movie? No. How about Getting Even With Dad? No. Pagemaster? No. Why? Because at the end, Macauley Culkin still has a pulse.
To the credit of Harry and Marv in Home Alone, they tried to kill Macauley Culkin. They didn't have the smarts to ever duck or look down or even move out of the way of thrown bricks, but they knew a dead Kevin would more than make up for Gone Fishin' and Bushwhacked.
Some might aruge Animal House the greatest movie ever made, some might say Rocky III. Why is there debate? Because neither of these otherwise great films offed Macauley Culkin, the obvious necessity for cinematic staying power.
Night of the Living Dead is a magnificent movie in its own right ("the greatest movie ever filmed in Pittsburgh," according to Joe Bob Briggs), but it, like Citizen Kane and the Godfather and similar flawed movies, does not have a Culkin corpse. This was primarily because Macauley Culkin was not born during their filmings. But thanks to the Grudge Match, that fateful NOTLD comet has been bumped up a couple decades. It's just in time to end this Best Movie of All Time debate and have NOFLD be hailed as the greatest movie of all time. Made in Pittsburgh.
- Kilgore Trout
Zombies are not the unstructured, uncivilized undead minions of Evil like they lead us to believe. There're just extremely xenophobic. They let us believe that they are re-animated corpses hell bent on consuming one of our more "vital" organs. They are a deeply religious and have developed a well-ordered social structure. What we commonly refer to as "Zombies" are the worker bees of the hive -- they provide food for the rest of their tribe. Granted, they are prone to a bit of melodrama like everyone else, and although forbidden to speak to outsiders a few grumbles and ill-formed words gets by the higher-class zombies because the terror in our faces makes them laugh so damn hard. The consumption of the human brain is a deeply holy event, as is the regurgitation and subsequent feeding, birdlike, to the rest of the tribe. Pecking order is determined by "scarring", or wounds inflicted, much like some African and South American tribes, on the Zombies by each other that determine rank. The most successful brain-hunters are therefore the most in need of medical attention, by our standards.
We, as a species, have erroneously placed ourselves at the top of the food chain. To feed our complacency as the "Masters of the Earth" we label Zombies as "monsters" or even "demons", they are far from such standards. Also, as mere coincidence, the weapons humans have developed to slaughter each other have a even more devastating effect on Zombies -- they often explode pleasingly (to some) from a simple shotgun blast. Zombie-flesh is much weaker than our own, and their bones and ligaments much stiffer. A single human could, in fact, devastate an entire colony of Zombies with the proper weapons, as is the case here. But, I implore you to not wantonly destroy such a noble race, there is much to learn from the art, history and culture of Zombies. We should embrace the diversity this planet has offered us, not lay waste and destroy whatever seeks to consume our brains.
- Akhamed -- adapted from his book "Zombies in the Mist"
This will be a tough contest, but i see it going to the Zombies. As we have seen in many zombie movies, the only way to kill a zombie is to shoot him through the head, while Kevin has that B-B gun he used in Home Alone 1, it will be useless becuase it dosen't shoot real bullets. The way i see this one going is this, Kevin will lure the horde of zombies (there's always about a bazillion zombies in zombie movies) to an abandoned house, where he will construct traps consiting of such items as whipped cream, jello, pirhanna, Newt Gingrich, and a half ton of dog crap. in the end however, Brian and Steve will appear and knock Kevin out with a baseball bat and throw him to the zombies. Brian will go on to say "we did it for the better of human kind".
- Dane "The New Prodigy"
The zombies die of starvation. Their mistake? Searching for brains in a post-1990 John Hughes movie.
- Vermin Boy
As much as I'd like to believe the mass of undead would groan, stagger and grope their way to victory, there is one factor I just cannot seem to overlook.
The undead were OUTWITTED, OUTMATCHED and OUTGUNNED against HOMER SIMPSON!!!
Given the following facts about Homer:
1. Sold his soul for a dougnut (note: not a krispy kreme).
The undead can't handle Homer, they pose no threat to kevin. Besides, if the undead get him, that would ruin seeing Kevin meet his fitting end in "Home alone on Friday the 13th: The Feast ".
Don't you think we all secretly want the Zombies to win? I mean... no matter how many standing ovations Culkin gets on broadway, who wouldn't want to see him mauled by the undead? But the real problem is what happens when the Zombies finally reach Culkin.... and discover the lack of basic zombie nutrition (i.e. Brains). In the end, they throw Culkin in the Illinois River where he is chemically shrivelled to the point of dehydration, making "Mac Jerky" the preferred snack of Zombie Truckers everywhere. Roll End Credits, Cue "Dragula"
- Hurricane Andrew
According to the words of one of God's two current incarnations, Kevin Smith (the other being this website), "Home Alone" sucks. Let me reiteradte from the classic "Dogma": BETHANY What have I seen that you've been involved with? SERENDIPITY Off the top of my head - everything. Well almost everything. For example: I'm responsible for nine of the ten top grossing films of all time. BETHANY Nine? SERENDIPITY The one about the kid, by himself in his house; burglars trying to get in and he fights them off? (Bethany nods) I had nothing to do with that one. Somebody sold their soul to Satan to get the grosses up on that piece of shit. I think I've made my point.
I voted for the Zombies. Several factors influenced my vote: 1. No pain. Sure, Kevin may be able to take out a few Zombies with his B-B gun or a well-aimed paint can, but what else? A typical, nasty Zombie would shrug off a red-hot doorknob or a nail through the foot like a normal person would shrug off a gnat bite. 2. Relentlessness. Since almost everyone else on the block is gone, the Zobies are going to find food in one place only. They wouldn't think of hitting easier targets. 3. Home Alone 2. Come on, someone has to pay for it. 4. Sheer numbers. We're not talking two cut rate bumblers- we're talking hundreds of single-minded beasties lining up for lunch. Final Verdict: A group of still hungry zombies parade out of Kevins house. Next year, Kevin himself returns from the grave to terrorize his family, who have decided to stay home this Christmas...
- James Mc.
I thought that you were going to do a Grudge Match Election special, fortuantley you've done something a whole less scary.
- Peanuts"The rebelion is at hand"Pat
With all our commentators said on the subject of Michael Jackson, they both missed the obvious -- but Kevin won't. Dragging the stereo with extra-large speakers from Megan's room to the front window, he then pops a CD into the A deck, and programs it for continuous play of "Thriller". The zombies will follow the one imperative even stronger than their craving for human brains: they will start dancing in the street, and keep dancing. The final burst of maniacal laughter from Vincent Price won't give them enough time to storm the house before the song restarts, and they go back to choreographed grooving. They will be trapped until dawn. ... except for one zombie who was deaf when he was alive, and thus is immune from this urge. He breaks in through the side window. Kevin, in panic, hits the B deck eject button hard, sending an old, forgotten disc flying chakram-like to sever the intruder's head neatly(or as neatly as possible for a walking rotted corpse). The body can still move, but shorn of its head and thus its ability to feed, it is no longer a threat. To quote our victor, "YES!" To quote his sister a few days later, "Ewww, what got on my Duran Duran CD?"
- "Due to my strong personal convictions, I wish to stress that this response in no way endorses a belief in the occult." -- Call me Shane
Anyone whose ever played a Resident Evil video game knows how this match will turn out. The zombies in those games can easily be killed with a knife or a handgun. I assume that Kevin has a knife in his kitchen, and his sadistic older brother Buzz probably has a gun somewhere. Even though the zombies are considerably smarter than Harry and Marv, Kevin's creative weapons will triumph. Oh, and stop making fun of Michael Jackson. He may be wierd, but his music has always kicked ass.
- Michael Brzeski, the Toon Leader
Earlier that night, Kevin's hand was bitten off by a zombie and replaced with a rusty chainsaw. The zombies were dropping like flies. Kevin took out the undead bastards without running out of gas for the saw or bullets for his shotgun. When the dust settled, he was the last man (or thing) standing. "Groovy!" But that zombie bite had an effect on him. Like the peeling of a banana, Kevin seperated into two beings. "Are you... me?" the real Kevin asked. "Are goo me? You sound so stupid! You're the GOOD Son. I'm the BAD Son. You're a little goody two shoes!" Evil Kevin proceeded to tap dance while punching Kevin. He then found himself looking down the barrel of a sawed off shotgun. *BLAM!* "Good Son. Bad Son. I'm the one with the gun." Kevin's work seemed to be done. But suddenly the wall collapsed and Tyrant from Resident Evil appeared. As he advanced to Kevin, the boy did his classic "scream while I smack my face look." Unfortunately for Kevin, he forgot he had a chainsaw for a hand. And if that's not groovy, I don't know what is.
Have you seen what Kevin looks like now??? Pink hair, smoking, looking basically trashed....he's no doubt one of 'em by now. TODAY'S LESSON, KIDS: This is your brain after 2 kiddie movies, a few too many nights with Mr(s?). "Black or White", going a few dozen rounds in court with your real parents, and marrying WAY too young.... Just say NO.
- The Genius Formerly (and Still) Known as Eddie
As much as I dislike Macaulay Culkin, I have to give this match to Kevin. Here is why: True, the living dead are more of a part of pop culture, even appearing on "The Simpsons", but it also points out their weakness. When the living dead appeared on "The Simpsons", they were defeated by the Simpsons both times. First appearance, they were done in by a shotgun-wielding Homer and eventually sent back to the grave by Bart and Lisa, and on their second appearance, Marge did them in. You have to be pretty pathetic if the Simpsons can destroy you. The living dead may have been formidable in the George Romero films, but in a cartoon world (though the "Home Alone" movies were live action, the physics in them were strictly cartoon), they are pushovers.
Another way they would fail is by being smarter than the "Wet Bandits" (Pesci's and Stern's characters). The reason the bandits constantly get into trouble is that they are so stupid they forget that there are traps. The living dead, if they are smarter than those guys, would see how booby-trapped the house is (perhaps after losing a few of their number to the traps) and decide to go in search of easier targets. This would be a forfeiture on their part and Kevin would win by default. Finally, another reason why Kevin would win is that he has experience. After all, Michael Jackson is about as close to being a member of the living dead as you can get without being a member of the Rolling Stones.
- The Demented Astronomer
I was gonna vote for the Living Dead to begin with. Really. But then John mentioned "Zombie Nation". Maybe I'm just a little lax on my pop culture, but the only "Zombie Nation" I know of was a long-forgotten NES game. Come with me if you will in the plot of Zombie Nation, to the horrible, post-apocalyptic world that is the year 1999. A harmless meteorite comes crashing into the Earth and the evil "Darc Seed" emerged. You play the hero, a disembodied fire-breathing head. Your mission, if you chose to accept it, was to save the world by blowing up as many buildings as possible. .... One of the most %$#@ed up things I've ever heard. So, this disembodied head was obviously a zombie, and feels the need to save things by destroying them, if danger arose. Ergo, when the zombies start tripping on Kevin's Micro Machines, they sense danger. They crack open their own skulls and messily gobble the pink slurpee that was once a human brain. End of the undead. Not pretty, but I'm sure it'd be pretty damn hilarious.
- Charge Man
Kevin defeated criminals. CRIMINALS. Ask anybody whether they worry more about someone taking their brain or someone taking their wallet, and you know he/she/it will answer, "wallet." Criminal weaknesses: None that can be applied to every indivdual. Zombie weaknesses: Holy water, holy spells, guns, slow of foot, IQ of -40, God....the list is very, very long. Kevin wins.
- Katrover Swatroad
The Cute Little Kid from Home Alone (TM) has one thing on his mind at the moment - sex, and the fact that he hasn't had any. Why do you think he's getting married so young? Is he really concentrating on the undead sneaking up on him through the hall while he is pre- occupied on the toilet with Playboy Magazine (TM)? I think not. The Living Dead will not be distracted by this month's gatefold centrefold. They have walked through the Valley of Death (TM), crossed the fires of hell, crossed the river Tartulus, and are not about to let themselves be beaten by some post-juvenile punk who can't handle Old Spice and is discovering the joys of his baloney pony.
- I should do some work now...
If there's one thing that playing a ridiculous amount of Resident Evil 3TM has taught me, it's that when fighting zombies, it helps if you're clever. Don't just shoot the damn things; shoot an explosive barrel, or route current through the fence they're pounding on, or get killer mutants to take 'em out for you, or something like that.
Now, Kevin McCallister is quite clever, perhaps even a match for great trapmeisters of yore such as Jerry the Mouse or... some... other... guy with traps... yeah. Anyway. He is, arguably, the metafictional reincarnation of the great Rube GoldbergTM. Will this be enough to save him? Surely not.
I have proven to my own satisfaction (and if there's one thing modern America's taught me, it's that I'm the only person who counts) in a previous Grudge Match that Kevin McCallister knows Ferris Bueller.
This is the kind of one-two punch that should only be reserved for the most dire of circumstances. An invasion of marauding zombies fits the bill nicely.
What zombies are not defeated by a deadly gauntlet of swinging paint cans will be thrown into the yard next door, and chewed up by the neighbor's dog. Zombies will be glued to the floor, sent off on wild goose chases to Canada, confused and distracted by a singing nymphomaniacal nurse, tricked into marauding towards Charleton Heston's house ("GET YOUR FILTHY HANDS OFF ME, YOU DAMN DIRTY ZOMBIES!"), and, in general, meet the dire fates reserved for antagonists in John Hughes' movies.
At least it wasn't the kid from Baby's Day Out. Then it wouldn't even be a match.
Hee hee. What a silly misunderstanding! What happened was that Kevin is the winner of VH1's "Backyard Rolling Stones Concert" contest. It was just Mick Jagger and the boys stopping by to set up. Whoopsie! Our bad!
- Mark Wentz
Guys, I hate to be simplistic (even in a McCulkin forum), but the kid's a whiz with household widgets. Between the Turkey Baster, The garden hose, the Air compressor and the Holy Water... well I think you can fill in the blanks. McCulkin by a slimeslide.
- Night Tripper
Well, it looks like it comes down to one thing: IN NO WAY CAN MCCALLEY CAULKIN BE ALLOWED TO MAKE A COMEBACK!!!! Zombies have a yummy treat, then attack Haley Joel Osmet for dessert. Sure you can see dead people, but can you see the undead, you little a--
- The Incomparable Blue Lightning
Quite some time ago, I saw "Night of the Living Dead" in the small hours. And one thing about killing them stays with me: They can only be killed by a wound to the head.
You can Both Mangle And Kill™ them, you can swing paint cans into them, you can even electrocute them by earthing your doorknob. This is not going to be any use whatsoever. In order to neutralise their threat, you have to Take Their Heads™.
Culkin might have been able to deal with this, but he's too squeamish to watch horror films, and so he won't have access to the vital knowledge that they provide. He is dismembered by an unstoppable horde of cadavers, groaning Queen's Who wants to live forever? as they rend him limb from limb. And Grudge Match fans see it here first, instead of having to shell out thousands to watch the Pay-Per-View event of the century like suckers.
- The Nestbeschmutzer
Ok, I just voted and there were 150 votes for the kid. Am I missing something? Do we have people who actually don't regret having seen the home alone movies or anything else with Culkin's hack ass in it? Ok, we'll do this the hard but still obvious way here. The zombies want brains, so they won't go after Culkin, they won't go after the 150 people who've already voted for him (I think Culkin's on and abusing the ballot, check into it, would you guys?), they'll go after us, those who voted for the actual right choice. But, let's say that Culkin told them he had brains in the house. Going from the exterior, they beat ON the door, they don't grab the doorknob. Zombies lose that ability to open doors for some reason. Wait a minute, Culkin won't even have the doorknob hot! When the hell did he prepare? He was busy shooting kittens and rubbing himself with Michael Jackson posters while covered in Crisco! All he has is the house's walls and a shotgun? Hang on a sec, I'm going to fix this matchup with an action double... Ok, Culkin out, Samuel L. Jackson, get in there. Remember, do the panicky Culkin wussy thing once just to make it believable, a few of his cheesy lines, and beyond that I leave up to your imagination. Go kick ass! With this change, I'd like to change my vote for Samuel L. Jackson vs. the Zombies (Heaven help those poor bastards now).
- Pareeha, one who knows better than to let John Hughes direct
Since, technically, the "dead" are ... well, DEAD, then having Kevin die is "all dead and mutilated" without the button! Ah, all is right with the universe.
In the bible it states that the Apocalypse is heralded by dead walking the earth. Here, however, the dead walking the earth and killing off Culkin would in fact nulify the Apocalypse, because if anyone's the AntiChrist, it's Mac.
- Brain Food
Hmmmm my logic would lead me to believe that the crotch shots and normal pratfall type hijinks that Kevin would use to defend the house would prove useless against zombies, but I have to vote for Kevin. Being a cool kid (just barely), he would have played Resident Evil at some point in his life and realized the necessary means of defeating zombies. If all else fails, kids can outrun adults in movies, yet zombies can outrun adults in movies, yet children routinely live in horror movies therefore Kevin outruns zombies into the streets of Chicago.
- Matthew a costumed Scotsman from Cornell
One 9 year old against a horde of zombies. Easy pickings for the undead? No. In fact, quite the opposite. Kevin has this in the bag. First off, remember that the Night of the Living Dead zombies are afraid-VERY afraid-of fire. What did many of Kevin's traps involve? Fire. Half the horde will stagger next door and eat Christmas gifts (that family will be gone, since seemingly NO ONE is ever in Kevin's neighborhood.) Next up, as Brian pointed out, the zombies are fragile. THEY ARE CORPSES, FOLKS! THEY'VE BEEN DECAYING FOR YEARS! A shotgun blast could take out 10 or 20, depending on the gun's spread.
Lastly, I bring up just one line in the setting that HANDS this to Kevin: "Braaainnss!™ Braaainnss!™" croak hundreds of the undead. What do those ™ symbols mean? Simple. The zombies sold the rights to the line "Braaainnss!" to some corporation. That's right. The zombies committed the ultimate sin of Selling Out™. Since selling out is the ultimate evil, the zombies are technically "Evil Dead." We know what happens to Evil Dead, don't we? In minutes, Kevin will nearly be brain food as the zombie of Coolio's Career staggers towards him...until a chainsaw slices him in two. Al Gore's Personality lumbers up, into a shotgun blast to the gut. This continues for all of ten minutes, and in the end, all that's left standing is Kevin....and Ash. "Hail to the King, baby."
- Devin the Mental Hospital Escapee
I really can't decide on this match. You see, the problem is that there are more variety of zombies than Baskin Robins has flavors and while Kevin could take down a hoard of certain kinds, others would tear through him like a chihuahua into the soft underbelly of a doberman.
Take, for example, your typical voodoo spawned zombie. They tend to fall apart with minimal effort and while Kevin would have to worry about keeping the body parts from chasing him down (I don't think he would know enough to fill the mouths with salt and stitch them shut), a spare leg hopping around isn't too threatening. Taking those same forces to the extreme, a group of zombies spawned by some kind of powerful unholy magic is going to be considerably more difficult to take down. Their loose limbs are quite threatening and they usually have only one specific and difficult to achieve method that you can use to stop them (gouging out their eyes, removing their heart, aiming the powerful McGuffin Device at them, and so on). Kevin doesn't have an expert in occult lore who will research the needed information then die dramatically at the zombies' hands before being able to use it and thus allowing the hero to get the glory, so there's no way that he'll know how to stop the hoard. He probably could stop a flock of zombies that retained most of their human intelligence if for no other reason than they'll get annoyed with trying to get him and find easier prey.
Zombies that come from secret government conspiracies will also most likely be stopped by the youngest McCallister. Your typical secret government conspiracy is incapable of churning out more than a dozen zombies a day. Thus any pack of zombies spawned from them will most likely be relatively small and incapable of replenishing their numbers, a vital trait for zombie domination. Kevin can just maim the ones that show in front of his house and not worry about the rest. Most unfortunate for the child would be Zombies spawned by a natural force or infectous zombies. When all the dead in the area rise and anyone they kill joins their ranks no human can resist being overwhelmed eventually. In this event, however, Kevin's fate would not be that much different from the rest of the world which would be overrun with the undead in a matter of days.
The description of the zombies in question in the scenario just doesn't provide enough information for me to be able to make an intelligent choice about what kind of zombies are being dealt with here and thus the end result of the match. The comet could be radiating the earth and making the corpses a little more frisky than they usually are, or it could be the sign that evil cult bent on world domination has been waiting for before they put their zombie plan into affect, or it could have been used by your typical mad scientist to power his zombie making machine, or it could just be a coincidence and the zombies are getting stirred up by low flying aircraft over the cemetary. I need more info on this one.
- Joel Mathis
As much as I'd love to see Kev go the way of his imitator in "Spy Hard", I'm going with aftershave burn poster-boy. He wins on 2 fronts: comedy & horror. a) In comedies, Little always beats Large (from the earliest Chaplin movies to the penultimate example in "Baby's Day Out"). In the only movie where McCulkin died, who killed him? Tiny little bees. b) In horror movies anyone who drinks, does drugs, or has sex has the lifespan of a mayfly. Kevin is too young to even *think* of these recreational activities. Face it, the only way things could be any *worse* for the zombies would be if they were corporate enforcers for a faceless multinational conglomerate. With European accents.
Consider, mes enfants, the Living Dead.
They smell bad.
I can sum it up in seven words: The Soccer Hooligans of the horror genre. The zombies in 3 minutes, after which they raid the McCallister pantry for SaltinesTM to share Kevin's brain out on. He never had a ghost of a chance.
- Mr. Silverback- Gettin' scarier by the day.
Well, unfortunately, Kevin will win. He was portrayed by Macauley Culkin--and Macauley Culkin's father, Kit Culkin, can kill ANYTHING.
Ahhh a match with lots of bloodshed, or at least body parts flying. The commentary had some great points. We can't ignore Michelle Jackson. He might not be able to control zombies but he sure can look like one. And with his clever disgusie he will aid Kevin and just when Kevin isn't looking..... Well if I said anything else I would violate one of the commandments of the modern world. Thou shalt not go there and thou shall not take me with thee. Anyway, while the pair is distracted the comet that started this whole mess will turn around in disgust and smash into the house destroying the horrible scene and saving the world from a possible come back (no pun intended) of the "great-sort-of-white-wonder" The Zombies win by default...well the few that survive by not watching.
- Spamboy (I'm pink therefore I'm spam)
Dear guys, Love your site, truly original and inspirational material here. Anyways, about the latest match. Let us break it down: a semi-cute, semi-charming upper-class W.A.S.P. brat vs. a veritable horde of undead horrors. Hmmmm....this could be close. I suppose it all depends on what kind of equipment Kevin has at the time. Flame and fire based weaponry would be key here, as it is the only way to truly stop one of the zombies. That means he would need alot of fuel too. And sorry Brian, but I must disagree with your theory of Kevin's cuteness winning over the zombie multitude. Remember, these zombies want one thing: brains. I am a human bio student, and i have seen a human brain up close and personal. I don't think I would describe it as cute. Brains just aren't cute. And if they were, the zombies would just eat them anyways. The zombie's brains are so rotten that they can't even handle the concept of cute anymore, so Kevin's vaunted cuteness would avail him not. Basically, I am on the fence on this one. Kevin certainly has the brains...I mean smarts to defeat the disgusting cadavres, but the question is: does he have the fire-power??? He does live in the U.S...so he can get some serious shit at K-Mart.
- Otis Lee
The living dead, but only barely.
Kevin may only be a child, but he is also the single most destructive force known to mankind. When zombies start pouring into his otherwize vacant house they will be faced with a plentitude of deadly traps.
But in his movies, the Wet/Sticky Bandits(TM)managed to survive seemingly fatal traps, so why will the undead be worse off?
Because its a sequel....The simplest lesson in modern cinimatography is "if you wanna sell a sequel, make it exponetially more violent".
The first group of 7-10 zombies will shatter the front windows only to see an orange blur. That orange blur will be Kevin's cleaver "Pumpkins full of ball bearings launched from a complicated system of bungie chords"(TM). The pumpkins will be like civil war canistar, sheering limbs and heads from what is left of the dead-un-dead torsos. A sturdy mixed-media barrier will fall into place, fortifieing the living room.
The wanna-be-alive corpses who try to flank around to the backyard will be skewered as they try to pass through the gate by Kevin's thouroughly disturbing "Spring-loaded Pallisade"(TM), fabricated from duct tape, bungie cords and a variety of broken broom handles, hockey sticks, and fishing poles. The pallisade now clogged with zombie bits will prevent any further acsess to the backyard through the gate.
Having witnessed the terrible carnage Kevin is delighted and filled with self-confidence, he thinks he's gonna win--he has The Kill Frenzy (TM).
Unfortuantly for Kevin, the Kill Frenzy(TM) can be counter-productive against multiple opponents as it clouds one's judgement in the pursuit of more bloodshed. Kevin grabs the family SPAS-12 combat shotgun and smashes out an upstairs window. From his high pearch Kevin rains double-ought 12gauge down onto the fifty or so remaining zombies (the ones that didn't find the "Firework and aresol-can Landmines"(TM) or the mean-spirited "Shattered mirror/picture frame glass/broken bottle bungie chord traps"(TM)). But Kev aint happy with the only moderiatly-mutilateing effects of the shotgun from that distance, so he decends to the main floor which the remaining zombies have just penetrated. "YEAH, THATS MORE LIKE IT" hollers an elated Kevin as he blows limbs and heads away "Soldier of Fortune style"(TM) repainting his house in putrid zombie blood.
Kevin, up to his waist in the very-dead fragments of the now-dead-again trespassers, pats himself on the back and decides its time to shave again, but, on his way up the stairway, a large lead pipe on a nylon rope shatters the kid's skull.
The "killed in custody" zombies of Joe Pecsi and that other guy high five and dig in for some fresh, young brain--conviniantly unwrapped by one of Kevin's favorite booby-traps.
- Nathan "The Master of Styles" Rowen
Given the current state of Macauly Culkin's career, I fear he may technically qualify as a member of `the living dead', which creates the dreaded Grudge Match Paradox of one entity fighting against itself. (See Rocky vs. Rambo). So, I will assume that we are dealing with the adorable little moppet who won our hearts with his acts of gross bodily harm against Daniel Stern, rather than the embittered, has-been-at-17-years-old, future Danny Bonaduce. Of course, harming Daniel Stern would endear just about anybody to me. If Jar-Jar had a scene where he, say, conked Daniel Stern with a toilet plunger, I could have forgiven George Lucas. But as it is, Macauly Culkin was the lucky one. I have to think that the zombies don't stand much of a chance. Think about it for a second. Of all the movie monsters that have ever graced the silver screen, are there any as pathetic as zombies? They shuffle along at approximately the speed of a drunken, 104-year-old blind man. They have the intelligence and forethought of a slab of cement. Granted, they are persistent, but whenever anyone (ie South Park, The Simpsons) offers the zombies a little offensive tactics, we're usually left with a massive pile of assorted arms, legs, and torsos. The zombies stay out indefinately, Macauly Culkin celebrates by scalding Daniel Stern with boiling oil. Oh happy day
- 1/2 Nelson
First, let's look at the motivation of each side.
Kevin is fighting for his house and life. The zombies are fighting for an infintesimal amount of disgusting tasting child-actor brain. They can go lunch on bigger, juicier brains elsewhere if Kevin proves to be too much trouble to take down.
And because it's Halloween, let's look at the terror factor.
I saw most of the zombie movies that were made. And enjoyed them. They had a slam bang idea that gave me nightmares days afterward.
After years of therapy, however, the thought of "Home Alone" still makes me break out into hives and run screaming.
And so, the incredibly irritating Culkin will triumph over the zombies, no matter how much we want to see the zombies rid of us of the boy.
As per Brian's commentary, the zombies show up to the polls and shuffle mindlessly (well, okie, like most voters) to cast their votes, cutting the line and being generally rude undead when suddenly a voice calls out from the line: "What you think dis is, de Chicago city elections?!" The zombies look at each other in confusion, pondering this, and then point up to the sign "Chicago city elections". Mr T walks up to the pack of Zombies from the line. "Well, okay, but you foo's are dead! Why you want to vote in the elections?" The zombies shuffle aimlessly, saying "Gore... more gore.... Al Gore...." Mr. T Ponders this, and finally says, "I pity the fool that stuff da ballot box. When punks start hasslin' decent voting systems, I make it my bid'ness. You best get outta here 'fo I put my fist through you and your jibber-jabberin' zombie friends! You got that, Sucka!" The Zombies look at each other, not comprehending, shrug and head for the polls anyway. Let's just say I don't like their chances.....
- Green Armadillo
Well, let's take another look at the situation here. Assuming that this comet has awoken all of the corpses that have enough meat left to move and given that he's in Chicago, we're dealing with a very large number of zombies. Add to that the fact that each human who's killed becomes another recruit for the zombie forces and you're dealing with massive devistation. I think it's safe to say that any outside forces would be far too busy battling their own zombie problems to help poor Kevin out, so therefore any "cuteness" advantage held by Kevin is definitely a non-factor.
The second major factor here is defense, or rather Kevin's complete lack of it. Since Kevin was too busy shaving and playing pin the buckshot on the cat to pay attention to current events, the zombie attack has come as a complete surprise to him. Therefore, he's neither had time to conjure up his usual assortment of booby-traps nor to board up the house and wait it out until dawn, and there's no way he could make use of the nailguns or the holy water that quickly. This leaves him with the shotgun, and any idiot knows that you can't hold off a hungry mob of brain eating zombies with that as your only weapon.
For arguement's sake, however, let's assume that Kevin did have time to build his traps. This would still be a useless gesture. While inflicting pain and humiliation may be a good strategy for survival when the would be assailants are two idiot burglars, it's an ineffective strategy for dealing with a hoarde of beings that do not have a sense of pain and do not care about anything but eating your brain. At most he might take out a couple of the more decomposed zombies with the paint cans, but the rest of them would relieve poor Kevin of his grey matter with enough time left over to shoot a music video before daybreak.
You will never publish this so I don't know why I bother. Is it because I am a smelly hotmail user? You people make me sick with your discrimination. You all hate me, don't you!! (takes yellow and red pill and finally settles down) There is one reason that neither side will win, Pinky and the Brain (OK, two reasons). You see, just as the kid (cannot be named for legal reasons) is about to loose his grey matter we begin to hear the faint strains of a conversation coming from the hamsters cage. Pinky and the Brain have temporarily taken over said cage as a temporary HQ. pinky: So what are we doing tonight BRAIN? (Immediately we hear a crunching noise as the zombies break their necks from turning their heads too fast towards the cage) brain: The same thing we do every night Pinky. Try to take over the world? P: But how are we going to do it? B: By using the immense power of my BRAIN?
By now the zombies have started to approach the cage, Brain senses the danger posed by these flesh tearing, grey matter gourmets on his weak fragile bodies that he desperately seeks a saviour. He frantically looks around the cage and he spies his salvation. He runs over to the hamster's salt lick and starts to grind salt, sea salt, over his head. The zombies are now repulsed by the sea salt, but yet attracted to the culinary experience that the Brain could provide. Now the brain will try to use the zombies to take over the world, probably by going to the white-house in order to zombify the president but gives when he either realises that he is too late and Al Gore has already turned Clinton's brain into stew, or when pinky decides that some freshly ground pepper would be better on Brains' head which leads to all sort of pyrotechnics involving grey limbs and green blood. Anyway, I don't care if you don't print this because last night I got to see The Offspring for free and got to meet the band afterwards, thank you Mr Dexter Holland and Noodles esq. for the autographs.
- Fun For All
Kevin McCallister is growing nastier as he grows older.
Look at the movies: In the first one, he was hitting the bad guys with paint cans. In the second it was 50-pound lead pipes. In the first one was icing the steps. In the second he greasing the second-story fire escape and making them fall three stories into cement. In the first one he used a welding torch. In the second he had found the joy of kerosene. In the first one he was tarring and feathering them. In the second it was electrocution.
Clearly, Kevin McCallister is a complete and utter sadist. You can probably find the bodies of tortured cats in the McCallister's garbage. Now, the original burglars were not exactly Einsteins, or even John Cleeses, but they still had some degree of intelligence, thus making Kevin have to trick them into getting injured. But these are airheaded mindless zombies. Kevin doesn't even have to bother with the traps; he can just let loose.
I predict not only the death of the zombies, but also half the population of Chicago.
- Infraggable Krunk
Hey, I voted for the zombies. Mostly it was because of the fact that child actor survival after puberty is next to nil. Also, those undead have it pretty bad; a few individuals always give them a bad reputation. Someone needs to stand up for them. I mean, they're our future.
Zombies? In Chicago? You must be talking about the Chicago Bears. Have you seen that offense lately?
- Capital J
I hate to say it...but McCallister can't lose. Kids dont die in horror movies. Former grudgematch contestants such as Jason, Freddy, Aliens, and Cujo can all testify to that. But then again, if McCallister enacts his real life activities such as drugs, under-aged sex, and discracing his parents- all bets are off.
This is classic battle of good versus evil and good always wins. That's why I voted for the Zombies.
I have no particular interest in seeing Kevin win, but it just seems like the Dead should be enjoying a buyer's market at this time. I heard that over half of all the people who ever lived are alive right now. Plus, Kevin has all that combat training from going to public school. Jesus, I mean, can't today's Dead afford to be pickier in choosing the next brain?
- Can we do something other than orange text on black next Hollowe'en?
To read a handful of longer responses, turn to Page 2
Candidate #1: Is called "Junior" and reads at the fifth grade level.
Next Match: Sonny & Cheryl
Next Match: Sonny & Cheryl
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