Another note: The result is actually decided by crowd response. Vic cannot make the call as he was blinded by his own plaid jacket.
STEVE: You make some valid points, but I'm going to have to go with Gump on this one. Rain Man will suddenly get the idea that he wants to go driving (after all, he is a great driver) and refuse to fill in the multiplication table until his demands are met. Meanwhile, Forrest will dilligently count on his fingers and toes and fill in the multiplication table. Of course, the sprint is nothing to him, and he will finish with Raymond still sitting at the table, pouting and rocking back and forth in a catatonic state.
You see, Forrest has heart. You can't beat that. He may be dumb, but damn it, he gives it all he's got. Gump in 45 minutes.
BRIAN: I'm sorry, Steve, but last time I tried to multiply with my fingers and toes, I couldn't get much past 4 times 5. I got to 3 time 7 one time, but I was naked. Gump just can't pull this off in any reasonable amount of time. Not to say Gump isn't without his skills: Forrest would be great at a chocolate judging contest; for successful navigation of a reflecting pool, Gump's your man. But counting and calculating just aren't his strong points. Raymond will be able to fill in the table so quickly that he won't even realize he's missing WHEEL--OF--FOR--TUNE. (Remember how quickly he counted those toothpicks? I think my point is made.) Besides with a little coaching from brother Charlie, Raymond knows that he gets to go driving if he wins the event. End of story. (Remember that he probably didn't want to count cards either, but Charlie pulled him through.)
Yes, I agree that Forrest has heart. No one questions that. He has more heart than the 1980 U.S. Olympic Hockey Team. But he's an idiot. No matter how big his heart is, it ain't gonna make his brain any bigger. And besides, while Forrest has heart, Raymond has a more powerful weapon: rage. It will pull him through. (For those of you doubting that Rain Man has rage, I refer you to the 'Hot water hurt baby' scene. Frightening.)
STEVE: Only a fool would think that "rage" is going to allow Raymond to do math problems faster. If anything, it will slow him down and confuse him. He's just not good with emotions.
Another advantage Gump may have is the fact that 'ol Vic is judge. He probably can't multiply either, and won't know that 7x7 really isn't 13. In addition (no pun intended), I don't think Vic will have much patience with Raymond's moody nature, and will probably beat him up just for fun. Wouldn't you?
BRIAN: I think you're vastly misjudging Vic, Steve. Sure he plays a dumb oaf on TV all the time, but Vic himself is actually a pretty bright guy (let's not forget how intelligent Christopher Lloyd, John Cleese, etc. are). Plus, going by Vic's build, I'm thinking he played ball, probably offensive line. And while those wirey speedy types might impress The Bear, they really grate on the boys in the trenches. If anyone is gettin' his butt kicked, it's Gumpboy.
Also, only a fool would think I was saying that rage would make Raymond do the math problems faster. All I said is that rage will focus him to concentrate on what is at hand in the heat of battle. Raymond in 4.3 minutes.
Forrest laid his own grave: 'I'm not a smart man.' End of story.
Forrest Gump (497)
Rain Man (472)
Try out the new Virtual Reality simulation
of last week's match! (Updated 5/5/95)
(Sorry, no longer working)
Current Match |
Related & Similar Matches
History Section | Tell a friend about this match
Calling on skills honed in the jungles of Southeast Asia, Forrest "The Thump" Gump stealthfully glides in behind the hapless Rain Man. Pausing only to sniff the air for the presence of the Cong, he narrows his eyes and leaps. As Rain Man cries out, "Yeah, definitely being attacked..." the Thump drives his KABAR combat knife deep into the unprotected flank of his victim, simultaneously smothering his scream with a leather-gloved hand. Crouching to wipe his blade on the shirt of the face-down body, we hear the granite vet murmer, "Stupid is as stupid does..."
Gump finishes the biathlon in 5 minutes. Rain Man is still walking in around circles.
Carlton Miller Denver, PA
As a graduate of Auburn University, I would like to make it clear to Carlton and all others apparently not familiar with the University of Alabama that attending that school is no guarantee that you can fill in a 10x10 multiplication chart. Even if you didn't play football there. -B
After about 45 minutes, Gump completes his multiplication table, hands it to Tayback, and flies down the field. Tayback begins to suspect that Gump's answers are wrong when he notices that Gump has written "Momma" in every blank. Tayback is about to disqualify Gump when a Presidential Task Force on Outcome Based Education arrives on the scene.
The task force explains that Gump cannot be disqualified since the rules of the contest state that each contestant must fill out a multiplication table, but do not state that the table must be filled out correctly. A representative from the ACLU points out that it would be discrimination to disqualify Gump merely because he is cerebrally differentially-abled and has chosen to expand his horizons beyond the traditional Western concepts of mathematics.
Tayback gives in and declares Gump the winner. Unfortunately, no one told Gump to stop running so he has now disappeared into the distance never to be seen again. I love a happy ending.
- Dr. Dave
- John Hogg
It's the Web's feelgood hit of the year!
So, mini-Ditka in 3.42 femtoseconds Gump in 6 minutes Rain Man dead (sees car, wants to drive, gets run over)
- Peter Waxman
Nope, Gump's only chance is if some passing stranger shoots Rain Man, or runs him over. Knowing Gump's incredibly good luck, this is bound to happen, but, even if he's horribly mutilated and wounded, Rain Man's going to keep stumbling along muttering away and cursing his bad fortune, and he's certainly not the sort of chap who'd drop dead *before* he crosses the finish line, so he'll win even if it kills him.
End Of Story.
Gump by six ping-pong balls and a chewy caramel.
- Scott Mandel
- Chris Gannon
-George E. Nicholas Benedictine College
The contest starts at Vic Tayback's (aka Mel) signal. Rain Man will take one look at the 10x10 table and will say all the answers so fast he will appear to be speaking in tounges. Forrest, meanwhile, will calmly grab his Peach-colored Crayola (tm) and begin to fill in the squares, one at a time. This is where the seconds come in: Cruise will tell Raymond that he must write down the answers and not shout them out. Raymond will grudginly oblige and be done in about 67.4 seconds. Mel will take a good long look at Rain Man's answers and let him proceed to the next event.
Meanwhile, in Gumpy's corner, momma Field will calmly tell Forrest that he can't color the boxes, he must fill them in with the right answer. Such complex instructions will be received with a patented Gump-stare (tm). Forrest will try to submit his first attempt and Mel will say: "One times one does not equal chocolate, you dingy! You're worse than Vera at the diner." Field will try to curry Mel's favors by offering herself to him and shouting; "You want me! You really, really want me!". To no avail, Mel's heart will always belong to Alice; Forrest must complete the math.
Once away from the table, Rain Man will start wandering in all directions, except the one that leads to the finsih line. Cruise will try everything to direct Raymond in the right direction; to no avail. Raymond wants to do some driving and the damn Porshe is in the shop because it fell into the lake when Lestat was driving in his underwear and sunglasses. In desperation Cruise tries to lure Rain Man to the finish line by telling him there are chocolate-covered shrimp at the finish line. Gump's head snaps up and he dashes to the finish line in 2.68 seconds (knocking over everyone on the Field - who was already lying down), looking for the reward. Since he left the table without completing the math portion of the event, Mel has no choice but to disqualify Gump and declare Rain Man the winner by default. Nobody said it was going to be pretty.
Weeks later Gump, devastated by his disqualification, is arrested on the White House lawn allegedly looking for a place to pee. As the winner of the competition, Rain Man gets to meet Vanna White in Hollywood. They fall madly in love and escape to Sesame Street, where they live happily ever after.
one: he can walk a straight line, it's his head that is off kilter. two: he can do the multiplication tables in about two seconds. disclaimer: just don't ask him to write it down. three: Gump will never, NEVER finish that multiplication table. Instead, he will end up daydreaming about something, wondering why these multiplication tables are so hard and why can't everyone do them as fast as Rain Man. Next thing is, naturally to make a system that does that. And thus Windows was born.-chris moore
Forrest would be distracted by the strange bulge on the sequinned-starlett dress round Rain(wo)man's nether regions, be forced by a moronic scriptwriter to quote some facetious Gumpism, such as "Life is like a dog turd sandwich etc etc...", and by the time the drawling Forrest had finished that sentence the hero of the day Rain Man could have staggered to Poland and back in his high heels.
[This person is truly disturbed. He fits in well here. - Ed]
If you liked this match, check out these other past
Colonel Blake v. Colonel Klink
Homer v. Norm
Grudge Match Goes to the Movies
Awards | Commentators | Real Life | Fun Stuff | Studio Store
© 1995, WWWF Grudge Match; © 2000, Dragon Hamster Productions, LLC